Chapter 31: The Incredibly Awkward Journey to The Garden of Olives

By the time I was done with my work, Twilight had on a redone version of her gala dress that fit her alicorn form perfectly, and worked in a purple star here and there to match her cutie mark. On top of which, the normal stars had a bit of reflective/holographic surface to them, making the things seem to sparkle when the light hit them just right. Then we braided her mane in a way that had her highlight stay to the outside all the way around. It took about five seconds. Good God, styling magic was awesome.

Rainbow got an ensemble that probably would have been impossible to make without magic. I put her in a multilayered gown of thin fabrics that were a little on the transparent side, with each of the four layers being a slightly different color than the first. Added to the fact her coat and tail also added color to the whole thing, and Dash ended up like she was wearing a real rainbow that changed colors depending on the angle someone saw it from. A pair of earrings served as her cutie mark reminder, and gave her a new golden laurel headpiece to go with her sandal-ish shoes that were also in the twenty-four-carat range. We also managed to comb out her hair to something Twilight considered presentable, but not anything Rainbow thought was too frilly.

I ended up going with a white dress since it was probably the only color that would work with my odd hair and coat combination, then added some emeralds around the lower part of the gown. After that, Twilight decided my hair was just too long, and put it up in some…head dress configuration thing that reminded me of the mess Rarity put Cadence’s into one time before. A few purple gems gave my hairball a bit of color as well that ended up making the whole thing look fabulous.

And I blame Rarity to no end for that.

Of course when we were done with our ensemble, I also needed to make a carriage to take us there so our clothes wouldn’t be destroyed on the way there, which had to be a sky carriage thanks to the fact I ended up making us run a little late after a few extra feats of prestidigitation. But, Tia did need flowers, and since conjured food really sucked, I ended up going with a one of a kind Princess Celestia collectable vinyl action figure, along with a plushie based on Sunbutt.

And then I remembered with Fall right around the corner, Sunset would need some warmer clothes and sheets. Not to mention silverware that was meant for her hands instead of the stuff she’d been getting by with. On top of which, I got her a few more skirts, three pairs of boots, as well as a guitar that she asked for before Twilight threw a fit over the fact Tia’s figure actually kind of looked like her while the others were too anatomically incorrect and got the whole creation binge thing out of my system.

Then it was off to Canterlot to meet Tia.

Twilight was the first out the door when the pair of pegasus-changelings parked our ride on one of the castles many balconies that were large enough to…well, land a flying coach on. And of course, only one pony would need a place that big to park her ass when she wanted to look out over Equestria…

“Princess Celestia, we’re here,” Twilight called out in a worried voice as she came through the balcony door and walked into the goddess private chambers while our ride took off. I thought it better they be gone before it could get a ticket for parking. “I’m sorry if we’re late, and that we had to come in this way, and that we didn’t bring you any chocolates. But if you want chocolates, we can go get you some. You want chocolates, don’t you? I knew I should have brought chocolates!”

Still outside the door, me and Rainbow looked around the semi-ornate room that was the main living space for Princess Celestia while Twilight ran around and talked to the doors that led to her main bedroom and other places one would need in any living quarters, probably hoping Tia was behind one of them.

As always, I was a little put off by how normal everything was. Oh, Celestia had finally crafted tables with too much cloth on top of them, and a really immaculate fireplace with a tingle of magic around it that apparently removed the smoke without the need for a chimney, and a lot of other high quality stuff. But, there were no ego trip paintings, gaudy decorations that were just around to show off the fact Tia had money to burn, or other things that you’d expect a ruler of a nation to have in their house just because they could.

Celestia’s personal living space was high-class without being gaudy. Impressive without being showy. Of good taste without being fattening. And books, lots of books. Just inside the living room she had five bookshelves that were filled to the brim, and a small pile on a coffee table that all had to deal with single parenting. Considering how ponies tended to...ignore single parent ponies, they were probably the only ten books in all of Equestria dealing with the subject.

However, the apartment did seem to be missing something important: the pony who lived there.

“Hey Twilight,” Rainbow spoke up as we came in, the bag of collectible vinyl figures making her speech just a little off. “Celestia’s not here.”

Twilight paled. “Oh no!” she wailed before whirling around to face us. Her face told me she was a few seconds away from a panic attack. “I told you we were going to be late! What if Princess Celestia decided that if we couldn’t arrive on time, then we weren’t worth her time? What if she thinks we stood her up? What if, in her heartbroken state, she decided to just run into the forelegs of whatever pony was closest, and now she’s in Las Pegasus, getting married to some bum she met on the street because she’s afraid of being left abandoned and alone for the rest of time!”

I was unable to stop myself from rolling my eyes, although Rainbow was starting to get a little worried. “Uh…Twilight?”

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” Twilight shouted as she spun around to face me with an accusing hoof. “If you hadn’t burned your dress, or made less stuff, or…or…had faster changelings-”

The door behind Twilight opened, cutting her off before she could probably do something we’d both regret, and Tia walked in. “Oh, there the three of you are,” the goddess said before she walked inside. “I’m sorry if I kept you waiting, court ran a bit long today, and now I need to freshen up, and change, and get dressed.”

I fought to keep a straight face as Tia put part one of her plan into motion. She knew that Twilight was a punctual freak, so she had set things up to make sure that she arrived later than us. Considering the fact it was Twilight, and she was already wound a little too tightly, Celestia didn’t even need to be late enough to lose our reservation at whatever fancy shmancy eatery she planned on getting us ejected from before dragging Twilight to the most hellish bar in Canterlot.

You know, the kind that served their beer in a dirty glass.

Twilight waved a hoof. “Late? Princess, I didn’t even notice,” she replied in a giddy tone. Then, the alicorn seemed to remember the set of flowers floating next to her head. “Oh! Princess, these are for you!”

As the little goddess shoved the objects into the bigger one’s face, Celestia looked at the bouquet of yellow roses, and took a bite out of one of them. Almost immediately, her face turned a sickening green before she turned her head to the side and spit the flower out.

Me and Dash winced.

Twilight screamed. “Princess I’m sorry! I didn’t think-”

“Conjured flowers?” she asked with a raised eyebrow before looking over to me. “And I can feel the small tingle of dark magic in them as well. And your clothes.”

I let out a little sigh. “Yeah, I kind of held us up with a problem, and then needed to take a shortcut, it’s not Twilight’s fault.” I also knew there was no way in hell Tia gave a shit about us being late, but it would hopefully take some of the pressure off Twilight was putting on herself. We wanted to make Celestia look bad, not cause Chernobyl in Equestria. “Sorry about all that.”

“It’s alright,” Tia assured us. “Although, you might want to put a warning sign on them next time. Now, what do the rest of you have for me, hmm?” It was a little odd to see her asking for presents but…maybe that was the usual Canterlot elite thing to do when dating. Or it was just a douche move to make.

Judging by her Scent, Rainbow got a little put off by the question, and then reached into her bag to retrieve the figurine. “So uh, Fae remembered how you said some stuff about where was yours, and I kind of had her make this for you. Since you know, we couldn’t make food.”

Definitely a douche move then, I told myself before holding up the plushie Celestia as well for the goddess to take in her magic.

“Let me just go put these up, and then I’ll go get changed,” Tia told us before she opened the door to her bedroom and went inside.

As soon as the door shut, Rainbow’s expression turned down to match her emotions. “Well, that was kind of rude,” she mumbled.

Almost immediately, Twilight looked over to the pegasus. “Oh come on Rainbow. It’s Princess Celestia! She probably gets a dozen gifts life this a day from ponies trying to suck up to her. It’s just…negative association. Bringing up bad memories of ponies she doesn’t like, that sort of thing.” The hoofwave at the end really sold the blow off of her friend’s concerns.

“And the flowers?” Rainbow asked with a raised eyebrow.

“That was um…testing!” Twilight declared. “She was probably just testing to see if they had been conjured, or maybe that was the way things worked back when Princess Celestia was dating! Oh, I knew I should have bought some chocolates!”

It took me a second to get what they were talking about. Back when I kind of proved I knew nothing about pony social customs and all that, Twilight decided to give me some boring as hell lectures in order to teach me the information. However, she did manage to get a few things across. Like when you brought another pony flowers on a date, it was considered pretty bad manners to eat them. It wasn’t just rude, it also tended to spoil ones appetite.

A second later, Rainbow’s disbelieving glare disappeared as Tia was coming back into the room. But unlike before, she was wearing…absolutely nothing. Gone were her regal regalia, she simply stood there in her birthday suit. “Rainbow, would you stand still for a moment please? This should only take a second.”

Confusion probably had Rainbow obeying faster than anything else as Tia’s horn lit up to zap the pegasus. “W-What the hay?”

“It’s the species copy spell,” Twilight explained after a few seconds of pointing her horn at the magic.

There was a bright flash a second later, and we looked over to see Tia…was no longer Tia. Hell, she wasn’t even a pegasus version of Sunny Skies.

Either Tia had tweaked the spell to put a bit more Rainbow into her looks, or her Sunny Skies disguise was just a bit more than a simple transformation spell using another species as a template; or maybe it was the spell she had just cast that had some extra pizzazz on it to give her a few extra alterations. Either way, the pony standing in front of the three of us looked nothing like Celestia’s fake unicorn form.

While her face was mostly the same except for a shorter muzzle, Tia was a light pink pony on equal height with Rainbow, with a multicolored mane that matched her old hues as Celestia, but it was just normal hair instead of the magically infused mess the goddess usually sported. If anything, it was the same waterfall of greens, pinks and other bright colors I saw on her in dreamland. Although, her mane was still long enough to go down to her knees. There was also one other thing off about her as well…

“P-Princess Celestia!” Twilight cried out as she pointed to the changed pony. “Your horn!”

The pseudo-pegasus gave Twilight a confused look, then reached up to tap her hair. Hoof clacked against…something, and then Tia looked back at us. “Oh no, it’s still there,” she said before using her wings to hold her aloft, before she separated her hair enough to show us a tiny nub of a horn. “I know it’s not exactly perfect, but the unicorn who designed this spell would have looked pretty silly if he wasn’t able to change himself back afterwards.”

Rainbow cocked her head to the side. “Uh…why did you…”

Celestia gave the ‘other’ pegasus a smile. “Well, I can’t exactly go into a restaurant, even a high class one, looking like me, can I?” she said with a little smile. “It would cause too much of a fuss. Which reminds me, the two of you need to do something to hide your wings. I trust you still remember your misdirection spell Twilight?”

Twilight just stood there.

“Twilight?” Tia asked again. “Is something wrong?”

The now slightly larger alicorn gave a bit of a jump. “What? Oh! Princess…right, misdirection spell! Right…um…but, what about your dress?”

Tia looked down at herself. “Right, my dress. “I’ll go get it on. You two just put on your spells so nopony noticed your wings, and we’ll get going.”

As Tia disappeared back into her bedroom, I looked over to the purple alicorn with a smirk. I knew I really shouldn’t press Twilight’s buttons, seeing as how Tia hadn’t even really gotten started beyond some social faux pause involving flowers, but…I couldn’t resist. “What’s wrong Twilight? Tia not sexy enough for you anymore?”

“W-What?” she stuttered as she looked over to me in suprise.

Rainbow got up into the air and tapped her chin. “Gotta admit, those wings, and that plot…not really the same. Still pretty hot though.”

“RAINBOW!” Twilight exclaimed as she focused on the pegasus, surprise starting to give way to anger. Apparently, Twilight didn’t like someone calling her waifu anything but rod-stiffeningly perfect. “It’s still Princess Celestia! I can’t believe you’d just-just…say something like that!”

The pegasus shrugged in midair. “Hey, just calling it like I see it Twilight.”

I had to agree with Rainbow’s assessment of Tia’s ass. Bigger was better. Shallow, but true.

Thankfully, before some kind of argument could breakout, Tia opened her door, but only stuck her head out. “Did somepony call my name?”

Once again, Twilight froze, and even Rainbow landed back on the ground, a little tense. I…took advantage of the situation, and maybe help this whole stupid thing along. “Oh we were just talking about how your rear and wings look way better when you’re all tall and fat.”

And for a second, I actually thought I crossed the line with that comment. I mean, even Rainbow let out a gasp. But of course Tia just laughed, and looked over to the alicorn in the room. “And you Twilight?” she asked as she focused on the now-bigger alicorn. “Do you prefer me big and beautiful, or slim and trim?”

“I…um…it…you’re beautiful, whatever you look like!” Twilight told her before she broke into a nervous smile. I couldn’t really fault her all that much for the Saturday morning cartoon moral of a response. Even if it was forced.

But Tia apparently did. I caught a bit of disappointment from her, and then the alicorn with the hidden horn disappeared back into her room. Five minutes later, the door opened back up and…I cringed at the sight.

“So, what do you think?” Celestia asked as she walked out into the main room of her royal apartment where we were waiting.

“Uh…” Rainbow managed to say. I was pretty sure if she had been in the air, Tia’s new new appearance would have knocked her on her ass. Whatever she was going to say was quickly stopped, because Rainbow had to hold her mouth closed with her hooves to keep from laughing.

Even Twilight seemed to be at a loss for words. “That’s very…um…”

Annoyance filled her Scent, but Celestia just gave them both a confused look with a tiled head. Thanks to her dress and hairstyling, I had to join Rainbow in the snickering.

The multi-colored mane of the pony goddess had been done up in a mess of miniature braids that went this way and that. There were about fifteen of them in all. On top of which, her dress…well…it was a plain sheet of a thing that looked liked a rainbow had thrown up on it. Several days of working with Rarity gave me plenty enough experience to see that it was made from the lowest quality of fabrics.

The thing was crap. Pure D- crap.

It…it was even worse than the crap that the girls had Rarity make for them that one time, and I actually saw those things. Rarity kept them in her basement on a wall of shame. Although personally, I didn’t think Twilight’s garish gala was all that bad, had a bit of a wizard robe thing going for it once you got rid of the bows and headpieces.

“Where in the hay did you get that thing?” I asked in confusion. My best guess was either dumpster, or landfill.

Tia actually brightened at the question. The emotion was fake of course. “Do you like it?” she asked before spinning around to show it off. “After our first get together, I decided to try my hand at designing a new dress like I used to back in the day! Isn’t it lovely Twilight?” I could almost hear the BE HONEST command at the end.

As the question seemed to work her way through Twilight’s brain, I watched her entire body jerk. “Urk!” she got out before her mouth ever so slowly worked its way up into a smile. “You…made…that?”

“Lovely, isn’t it?” Tia asked as she spun around and showed it off again. “I was a bit worried that it wouldn’t go with my mane, but after a little bit of styling, it all just went perfectly together, don’t you agree Twilight?”

The alicorn gulped. “Right,” she said with a strained voice. Surprisingly, the strength of her asskissing lie didn’t strip Twilight of her alicornhood that she got from embodying all facets of friendship right then and there. “Um…so…we’re…eating…where now?”

The little pink Celestia let out a long breath through her nose. “I…might have abused my title a little to pull some strings to get reservations at the Garden for my current disguise.”

Twilight tensed.

Rainbow frowned. “The what?”

“It’s…” Twilight paused and took a breath. “The Olive Garden. It’s the most exclusive restaurant in Canterlot, maybe even in all of Equestria.”

Oh God, I thought to myself before hoof met face. I still did it a little too fast but…it was worth it. However, I had yet to find a Starbucks, so…Equestria was still a viable place to live.

At least until the CMC decided to open an Apple B’s to try and get their copyright infringement cutie marks.

“Omnifarious? Is something wrong?” Tia asked.

Before I could say a single word about anything, my vision was blocked by a purple wing, and the area around my mouth became tightly held by magic. “Nope! Absolutely nothing,” my captor told Celestia before she spun around and glared at me with a stare that was one step short of a capital S. “Tell her about the dress, and I…I’ll…I’ll…just don’t tell her about the dress!” she ended in a plea.

Twilight’s…mutated threat made it so I had to work not to laugh as her frown became a wide-eyed puppy dog look before the magic holding my mouth closed dissipated. “Okay,” I promised. “But um…some pony on the street might say something before we even get to…The Olive Garden.” That one took some effort to say with a straight face too. And I had just gotten used to The Hayburger.

She didn’t take that too well either. After blanching, the alicorn looked over to Princess Celestia, and let out a little whine.

Then, Twilight ran up to the mare that could quite possibly double for a moving piece of modern art. “Princess Celestia, stay right here! I’ll go have the guard get us a carriage! We wouldn’t want uh...somepony to… I’ll get a carriage!” A few seconds later, and Twilight was out the door as fast as her little alicorn legs could carry her.

With the three of us alone in Tia’s apartment, the disguised goddess turned to the pegasus. “So Rainbow, what do you think of my dress and manestyle?” Celestia asked.

Rainbow tensed. “Uh…listen…Celestia,” the pegasus said as she braced herself to be turned into a toad or something. “I know you’re proud of the way you look and everything, and that’s cool and all! But…that’s the lamest mane and dress I’ve ever seen, if anypony sees you like that…I’m going to have to beat them up, because they’re gonna laugh at you, and I’m gonna have to stop them.”

The goddess looked across the room at the nervous pegasus.

The nervous pegasus was suddenly engulfed in a bright light, and disappeared.

…

And landed in front of Tia a second later for the mini-horn alicorn to give her a hug. “Thank you for being honest with me Rainbow Dash,” Celestia said before she pushed the other pony to legs length. “But no bucking any of my other little ponies over me, okay? There’s a reason I decided to look like this.”

Then, we told Rainbow about the whole thing.

By the time she was done, the pegasus had her face scrunched up. “So uh…why not just talk to her?” my favorite pony asked, proving once again that despite her…Rainbow Dashness, she could still manage some common sense every now and then.

“Do you think I haven’t?” she asked with a roll of the eyes. “I’ve told her we’re equals about every time we’ve seen each other since she became an alicorn, but she still bows and calls me Princess,” she mimicked in a very childish voice on the last word. “So I throw away my crown and offer to be her friend, I even show her my fears, faults and tears, and…it works for a little bit. But an hour later, I’m back to being Princess Celestia the Perfect in Twilight’s eyes, and even I can have a moment of weakness without messing it up apparently.”

All of a sudden, I started to get a sinking feeling.

“So…what I’m getting is…”

Mostly because Rainbow’s expression had become this dark, gleeful smile.

“…you're pranking her…”

Oh dear Lord in Heaven no, I thought to myself.

“…into thinking you’re not super awesome.”

Celestia’s mouth curved upwards. “Well, it’d be more accurate to say I want to convince Twilight that I’m not perfect by showing her a few moments of me acting in a…slightly exaggerated way. But basically, yes.”

“You want some help?”

“Well I do have a plan, but it’s more of a basic framework than anything else so…” The smile on Tia’s face became an evil grin. “What did you have in mind?”

And then I could only groan and try very unsuccessfully to curb the evil plot of what were two of the top three pranksters in Equestria away from something that would cause the pony apocalypse.

You know those old people that think they know everything because they’ve been around for eighty years? The ones you can’t talk out of anything? The ones that think they’re always right? Even when you explain something and manage to change their minds, they’re right back to being the old them ten seconds later? Yeah, those people.

Imagine those people, then multiply their...old peopleness by one hundred, and you might come close to Celestia. She likes to teach instead of talk and make things happen when she wants them to instead of having everything go at its own pace. Just look at the cutie mark screw job she had Twilight pull on her friends, if Twilight was meant to become an alicorn, she wouldn’t have needed Tia to shove a book under her nose and it would have eventually happened thanks to Twilight living in Equestria.

But Tia wanted it right then and there, so she got it, and actually left RD emotionally scared in the process.

On the other hand, I kind of understood why she did it. She was immortal. While a lot of people probably figured that would make someone lethargic since there would always be a tomorrow, for Celestia it tended to do the exact opposite. After all, she was the immortal one, but everyone else wasn’t. They would pass on, and all she would have of them were memories. So, she would make as many memories as possible with the time that she was given.

Which was probably why the second we got into the private carriage that Twilight got for us after walking down a few hallways that were so suspiciously empty of guards I would have been fearing someone was getting ready to try and assassinate Princess Celestia, Tia reached over and copped a feel on Rainbow’s ass so hard the Dash’s eyes went wide.

Me and Twilight had pretty much the same reaction as the pegasus, and could only sit there silently in upright doggystyle position as the pseudo-pegasus with the aurora mane leaned over in our four pony carriage to practically pin her prey against the side of the little moving room.

“Oh my little Dashie, you really are an athlete, aren’t you?” the goddess in mortal form asked in a seductive tone before licking her lips. “That plot of yours…I could bounce a bit it you’ve made it so firm. That toned body, that dedication to your dream, you have no idea how sexy it is.”

A big purple wing blocked my view, and my ears were full of Twilight’s attempts to speak when Tia moved in for a kiss. “P-Princes, w-we’re in a carriage!”

With the absence of a loud smack of lips detaching, I guess Tia let Twilight get to her before she could get her mack on with Rainbow. As I managed to push the Twilight’s wing back down, I noticed Tia was giving Twilight a rather…lustful smile. “And what a lovely idea it was for you to fetch one for us Twilight. Now, even in the middle of the street we can have some private time for a little-”

“D-Discourse!” the pretty purple pony princess proclaimed in a panic.

Personally, I think Tia had a different prefix for the second half of that word in mind.

While Tia gave a little giggle as her Scent gave off a wave of mirth with only the hint of affectionate lust that she was displaying, I could Smell Twilight’s own desires rising up from the depths of her embarrassment, while Rainbow’s sadness…completely knocked me out of my teasing mood and made me look over to the pegasus in concern.

“Rainbow, are you okay?” I asked empathetically.

I hoped she wasn’t just sad over not getting to make out with Celestia, which I seriously doubted judging by what I was getting from her. She had even been expecting it after all. Still, I had seen Tia when Equestria went dark and...she was a pretty naughty princess. I wouldn’t put it past the goddess to get some enjoyment out of the deal.

The only consolation my conscience provided was that the two of them had quickly gone over the basic outline of everything the goddess was planning while Twilight had been away, and one of Tia’s controls on her actions was that any activity between the two of them would involve ninety percent of the effort on her part, and ten to Rainbow. If Dash didn’t want something to happen, she wouldn’t bridge the one inch gap that Celestia put between them. Celestia had even stressed that everything they were to do was Rainbow’s choice.

Otherwise, she just would have used me, and with Tia being a super adorkable pony at the moment I wouldn’t have been able to say no. So, I owed Rainbow big.

Really big.

Personal slave for life big.

…which I kind of already was, so…yeah.

With the attention of three sort-of alicorns on her, the pegasus closed in on herself and gave a nervous laugh. “Y-Yeah, just um…bad memories.”

I reviewed the conversation for a second, focusing on how Tia went just yakked on and on about Rainbow’s ass and sighed. “Is this about your looks again?”

“What?” both Twilight and Tia asked at the same time.

Judging by Rainbow’s flinch, it was.

Celestia’s playful mood died in an instant, and was replaced by one hundred percent genuine concern before she looked at me and Twilight. “Alright, I missed something. What’s going on?”

Rainbow tensed, but I wasn’t about to let her off. She had two of the people/ponies that cared about her most in the world in front of her, and I was pretty damn sure Celestia liked her a lot more than just as a piece of tail to chase. So I decided to fill them in. “Rainbow’s got some issues with her looks. Don’t ask me why.”

Celestia looked over to Rainbow.

Twilight looked over to me. “What do you mean issues?”

Rainbow looked around like she wanted to be anywhere else than where she was right now. I half expected to see her try dashing out the window but...it was pretty small and...two divine beings in the room kind of made any escape attempts pointless.

“Do you want us to drop it?” Celestia asked the pegasus before Rainbow looked over to her. “Because we will, after this. I know how important your image is to you Rainbow Dash, I know how a good deal of your self worth is derived from the eyes of others. So let me tell you now, I have lived for longer than Equestria has existed, and I have never seen a pegasus as beautiful as you.”

And then Tia extended her wing and drew the other pony into a hug before she kissed Rainbow on top of her head as she ran her hoof across the other pony’s back. It was a sign of pure affection, absent of the lust that been there a moment before.

We continued on in silence, as least insofar as the interior of the carriage was concerned. Outside was the usual Equestrian background noise you’d expect to find in a city like Canterlot. Horseshoes on streets, kids crying out ‘extra extra’ the occasional hawker at a fruit stand or something, and a few noises I couldn’t identify. The sound kept my mind busy until Dash spoke up.

“I never really had a coltfriend before,” Rainbow began. “Everypony always went after Fluttershy. I didn’t really mind it for awhile you know, it um…everypony I met would have only slowed me down.

“Then I um…met Soarin,” she said before I caught a whiff of sadness and Tia tightened her embrace. “First time, it was just that meet and everything at the Best Young Fliers. First time I saw the Wonderbolts up close when they weren’t signing autographs and I had to get out of the way for another pony wanting a hoof print or signature. I got to eat lunch with all of them, and…he was the youngest and kinda cute.

“So um…when I saw him at the wedding, I asked him to dance, and we did. It was awesome...sort of,” she said. “Probably thought he owed me for helping to save Equestria so many times, you know? Then I asked him to…” She took in a deep breath. When Rainbow started again, her voice lacked even the hint of emotion it had before. “I asked him if he wanted to go out on a date, nothing ya know, major. Just the two of us.”

When she paused to take another deep breath, Twilight spoke. “R-Rainbow, you don’t have to-”

But Rainbow kept talking before the little goddess was even done. “He said I was a fun dance, but there’s no way he’d ever b-be interested in a flat-flanked filly with stallion wings l-like m-me,” she said with tears in her eyes. “S-So I know you don’t really-I mean, I know you’re just being nice Princess. You don’t...you can...um…”

I had to take a deep breath to help me hold in my anger. My right pony-arm trembled at the sight of Rainbow fixing to cry, and I nearly jumped when I felt Twilight wrap her fetlock around mine in a pony handhold before she spoke.

“Princess Celestia not being nice Rainbow,” the purple pony princess spoke up. “In fact, she’s not lying to make you feel better at all.”

“I’m not Rainbow, truly,” Celestia added.

Rainbow gulped down like she was literally swallowing her emotion. “Oh come on, I-”

A glow of purple magic closed Rainbow’s mouth a second before Twilight began to speak in a controlled voice that I had come to know as her ‘lecture’ tone. It was kind of even and dull, but it was also something she could easily control and not allow emotion into. “Princess Celestia pre-dates Equestria by twenty some years. During this time, the pegasi were the main protectors of all three tribes. What they valued most of all was the ability to fly and fight, how much padding you had on your plot, or whether or not your mane reached your hooves didn’t matter at all to them. Not At All! Once Equestria was founded and the princesses could protect everypony, the pegasi started adapting earth and unicorn customs, and definitions of beauty.

“But Princess Celestia grew up before that,” Twilight went on. “Her formative years were when pegasi with fit flanks, strong legs, and super muscular wings were the epitome of pegasi physical perfection. So the princess saying you’re the prettiest pegasus pony she’s possibly ever puckered up to is not a platitude. It’s pure fact.”

I put a wing around Twilight and pulled her in to kiss my girl on the nose to help calm her down. I knew when Twilight went into alteration mode, it meant she was a pretty pissed purple pony princess. And judging by the amount of Ps being passed around, I would have put her at…sixty five percent of the way to purely pissed off.

Twilight leaned in to nuzzle me fiercely before whispering in my ear. “I can’t believe that…plothole Soarin said something like that to her!”

I could only nod. If not, I probably would have spoken my thoughts out loud. Note to self, KILL SOARIN, and then Tiger Woods his image with a changeling double just to add insult to injury.

Or maybe I could just toss him into Tartarus. If I knew where it was. I’d have to ask Twilight, or maybe Celestia. Of course I’d need to make sure it was a suitable hell for the monster that hurt my Dashie first...and not tip my hand before meting out punishment somehow. Hmm, that’s a thought, I wonder if I can talk Tia into a field trip for next week’s class.

“Oh and Princess Celestia,” Twilight spoke up with a much happier tone and Scent than she had a moment ago. Even her adoration seemed to have gone up from what it had been a moment before. “Fae and I have kissed Rainbow an average of ten times a day so far, not counting sexual situations. So if you’re going to make out with her on what’s left of our trip, you need to get at least five in before we get to the Garden.”

The announcement kind of threw me for a loop, but…well, Twilight had mentioned keeping score plenty of times in our relationship, so I didn’t get put out of action by my surprise for too long. On the other hand...did Twilight just tell Tia to make out with Rainbow?

The oddity of Twilight’s words seemed to confuse Dash out of her funk, and she suddenly sat up. “Um…what?”

Celestia’s mouth curved into a semi-Cheshire smile, and she licked her lips. There was a little bump in the road as Tia shifted her weight, and second later, Rainbow was laying underneath the goddess that reeked of lust. “Well now, shall we pick up where we left off, my lovely little Rainbow? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it.”

I had to hold in a laugh as Rainbow went red. “Um…well…”

“Oh come on Rainbow,” Twilight encouraged her. “I promise I won’t get flustered this time. Now kiss!”

When the pegasus went wide eyed, Celestia smiled down at her. “Rainbow, it’s okay if you-mmph!” was as far as the apparent pegasus got before the real one covered Celestia’s mouth with her mortal lips. It didn’t take the goddess long to recover, and a second later, Tia was feeling Dash’s flank up again.

Their lips smacked...

Twilight just melted into me, and put so much of her weight I had to scoot over to the side of the carriage to prop myself up. Then she shifted around, and put her head on my shoulders. “I love you Fae.”

...and their tongues danced, With Tia’s dragging Rainbow’s out of her mouth as she came up for air.

It was a pretty weird reaction to the goings on in front of us, but…I’d take the reminder. Still… “What happened to that little bit of jealously I was getting from you a second ago?” I whispered into her ear.

Then Tia went down on Rainbow again.

A tiny blush crept up onto Twilight’s cheeks, and she shook it off with a minor move of her head. “The two mares I love most in this world are finding happiness with each other. This…this is all going to work out. Why should that cause me any jealousy?”

Thankfully, or unfortunately, all depending on if you’re into clop or not, we only got about a two minute show from the randy couple of our quad before the carriage reached its destination. Twilight and Rainbow agreed to get the thing parked, and the pull team off to a slightly less ritzy eatery across the street...

“So how was she at kissing?” Twilight asked the other feathered pony.

Rainbow let out a little giggle. “Let’s just say, experience really counts for something.”

…while Tia and I waited by the building.

For some reason, every unicorn that passed us, which seemed to be the only foot traffic in the part of town we had come to, gave us either a dirty look, or a grimace. Considering the clown suit Tia was in, I couldn’t blame them.

“Well, that didn’t exactly go as planned,” I mumbled to the apparent pegasus.

Of course the original plan had been to embarrass the hell out of Twilight with some overly-friendly caressing by Tia that I had been on the receiving end more than once in my dreams, followed by a few small kisses that Dash had the option of backing out of and simply faking with a few angle tricks.

Instead, Twilight was treated to soft core pony porn, and apparently…she liked it. She liked it alot. Not just aroused liked it either. Real happiness inducing liked.

“Perhaps not but…I was glad we were able to help Rainbow,” Celestia said with a little smile. “How a mare like that can’t see her own beauty…” The goddess lowered her head and shook it. “I just don’t understand.”

I didn’t either but…Tia gave me the definition of pony sexiness I had, so it really wasn’t something I could judge. Plus, there were other things we needed to talk about away from the other girls. I didn’t want it hanging over the date.

And teenage human angst wouldn’t wait for anyone. “Is there something wrong with Sunset?” I asked before gritting my teeth and groaning at the stupid question. I knew she had some kind of problem going on, but didn’t want to tell me for some reason. “I mean, what’s wrong with Sunset?”

Tia tensed, and looked over to me out of the corner of her eye. “She asked me not to tell you.”

Since it was ’asked’ instead of told, I knew I had already won that little coming argument. “Tia. Please, I’m worried about her.” After the mess of emotions I had picked up in the morning...I knew something had to be up.

“She got reminded that she wasn’t a pony,” Celestia said. Then, at my questioning glance Tia let out a sigh. “The breezie briefing, remember? Sunset…first ponies thought she was some exotic pet, then everypony looking at her oddly and then…well, the result being, she’s been reminded about her lack of four legs again.”

I winced at that one. With the Crystal Empire incident shaking Sunset like it did, and what she said after coming home…maybe bringing her out of Ponyville, or to anyplace that didn’t include trained military men that knew to keep their damn mouths shut when it came to shit like talking to the human was a bad idea. “I’m sorry about that. She was giving me help with learning magic. If-if she had only told me-”

Tia put a hoof on my shoulder, and I was treated to one of her empathetic looks that just reminded me why I put up with all her teasing every few nights. Despite how annoying she could be, Celestia was the kindest creature I knew. And hot. One could never understate a hot chick’s ability to get away with anything.

“This is exactly why she doesn’t tell you,” the goddess with the god awful hair. “She thinks you worry about her too much already.”

That got a snort from me. “More like I don’t worry enough.” I mumbled to myself. Honestly, I should have figured something out along those lines even back at the breezie convention. I was the fucking human, I was supposed to be able to read her body language better than the ponies. The second she started feeling sad, I should have seen it.

But no, I got too fucking reliant on my sense of Smell. I knew what ponies were feeling as good as they did, so I stopped prodding and went with a wait and see scenario that seemed to work well enough when we got home the first time. I decided that Twilight’s little freak outs over nothing but the size of her alicorn ass were more important than really talking to a girl that had potentially been shattered in more ways than one.

I was such a fucking idiot.

Hell, I even bet she knew what was going on with that whole cure idea was me just blowing smoke out my ass to give her a false hope. She was a magical genius after all.

I looked back up to the fake pegasus. “Tia…” Nothing more would come out. I tried to tell her the truth about Sunset’s chances of me fixing things but…I couldn’t.

I just…needed to buy time. Just because I didn’t have a solution now didn’t mean I wasn’t going to find one...eventually.

…right?

“Hey girls, ready to go?”

I nearly jumped out of my skin and the coat on top of it at Dash’s words, and looked back to see her behind us, with Twilight still a little ways off. It really wasn’t fair that even though I was with a whole race of creatures that made clopping sounds everywhere they walked in a town of nothing but stone walkways, I probably had the one pony who could still sneak up on me.

Tia giggled at…something while she looked at me, and turned her head to Rainbow, her fifteen little pigtails just kind of shaking as she moved. “Well the castle and the ride here didn’t seem to work.”

“No kidding,” I grumbled. Judging how Twilight Smelled after Tia and Rainbow started making out in front of us…the deepness of her affection….

Yeah, I think it was safe to say Celestia might have turned her into a voyeur or something. Next time two of us to got frisky, I was a little afraid of Twilight literally sitting the whole thing out somewhere off to the side while she watched and took notes.

“So we will have to move ahead with the third phase of our plan,” the metamorphosed goddess with the pink coat and mess of multi-colored hair said.

Rainbow put a foreleg around Tia and smiled. “Just follow my lead Princess. No way she’s going to think you’re all…prissy by the time I’m done.”

More than likely though, Twilight wouldn’t want anything to do with Celestia ever again.