“So, Mrs. Cake is it? I’m afraid you were too paralyzed to give me your name earlier.”

“Well, you aren’t exactly the most common sight.”

“I agree completely, after all, I am quite stunning to look at.”

“I suppose that’s one way to see it.”

“So, who’s Mr. Cake? Let me guess, he’s got a giant cherry for a hat.”

“Um, no. I suppose he should meet you before the party starts though.”

She disappears into the back room once more. After a few moments, a skinny yellow pony comes out. Given the look he has on his face when he sees me, I think he’s going to pull an ostrich and bury his head in the ground. He shifts in place, leaning his head toward Pinkie. “C- can it speak?”

I decide to reply for Pinkie. I rest my folded arms on the counter. “Why, yes I can. Is there any particular topic you’d like me to address, horseface?”

“Uh. No, not really...”

After a while, the party is set up, and thanks to my height, we got all sorts of banners and such put up rather quickly. In fact, it was still ten minutes before anyone was supposed to show up, but Pinkie assured me that when she throws a party, lots of ponies show up early. As we were chilling in the back with a plate of chocolate cupcakes, the bell above the door rang, signifying someone’s presence. I learn that Mrs. Cake wouldn’t be the only pony I’d meet again at this little gathering. It’s that purple-whatever mare I dropped the brats on earlier.

“Hey look, it’s fishface.” I call out, waving to her.

This mare is special. When she sees me, all she does is do a double-take. She walks up to me and holds her hoof up. “I’m afraid we didn’t get properly introduced, Mr...”

“Anthony” I take her hoof and shake it.

“I’m Cheerilee, the schoolteacher.”

“Those brats seemed to know you.”

“Yes, they were some of my students.”

“Maybe you should teach them that if they see something sleeping, that they shouldn’t poke it with a stick.”

“Oh my, I’m sorry. Please understand that they’re just curious, you are quite... interesting.”

“I suppose.” Cheerilee sat down with us and Pinkie turned to me.

“Wow Anthony, how many other ponies do you know?”

“Other than the rest of your friends, none. I only met these two today.” Speaking of her friends, Rainbow Dash and Applejack walk in. I look at the two. “Well, this is interesting, I wouldn’t expect the proud Rainbow Dash to come to my welcome party.”

“I’m here ‘cause Pinkie’s throwing it.”

“It seems that a lot of ponies like Pinkie’s parties.”

“Think of this as your Ponyville Initiation Ritual.”

“Initiation?”

“Yeah! I do this for everypony who visits Ponyville for the first time! Then you can meet all sorts of ponies and they can all meet you! Isn’t it great!?”

"Yeah. So where’s Twilight? I’m sure she’s finally woken up by now.”

Rainbow answered my question. “Eh, Twi doesn’t show up early. She always arrives right on time, even though she knows she doesn’t have to. Same with Rarity.”

“And Fluttershy?”

“She’ll probably show up, but don’t expect it to be in a large crowd.”

“Lives up to her name, huh?”

“Since we met at flight camp.”

The party has started, and each new pony spent their first two minutes staring at me like I was going to eat them. Here comes one now. A blue unicorn with a blue and white mane. Pinkie does her usual introduction. “Minuette, this is Anthony! This party is for him!” Minuette stares at me like everypony else. I decide to spice her day up a little more.

“Rawr.” I bare my teeth, making sure she can see my canines. I swear, she almost screamed. These ponies are way too easy it’s not even fun. “Pinkie, can I go back to the library now?”

“Why? There’s so many ponies that need to meet you!”

“Exactly.”

“Aww come on, they just need to get used to you!”

I stopped caring about their names, and now I just mentally refer to them as the tattoos on their rears.

There’s iTunes, Save-the-Dolphins, Candy-ass, Grandpa’s Watch, Fruit Salad, First Aid... geez there are a lot of these damn horses.

I’m struck by an idea. “Hey Pinkie, how about I introduce myself to everyone at once?”

“GASP That’s a great idea! But how do we do it?”

“Easy.” I stand up and walk outside, and grow until I’m twice as tall as Sugarcube Corner.

Now that my huge form blocks out the sun, I get everyone’s attention rather quick.”Hi, I’m Anthony, and I’m a human. This party is for me. Moderately pleasant to meet you all. Bye.”

I shrink back down and walk through the crowd of fish-mouthed horses. There’s so many I have to push a few away. Eventually I get to the library and sit down to read. Something seems off. When I look out the window, almost all the ponies in town are standing outside talking to each other. Damnit. With a sigh I get up and head out the door. “What do you rubberneckers want?”

Suddenly they are all talking at once. I can’t tell what any of them are saying. “Shut uuuuuup!”

Oh sweet silence, I love you. “Alright, I’ll answer five questions, if a question is too similar to a previous one, I’ll ignore it and you lose your chance. You have ten minutes to decide what you want to ask me.”

Sounds of agreement spread throughout the crowd and I leave them to their debate. Suddenly, Twilight is in front of me, having teleported inside. “Why is the majority of the town outside the library?”

“Take a guess, genius.”

“Okay, point taken, but what is going on?”

“Ask them.”

“Fine, I will.” She comes back out a few moments later. “What’s this about questions?”

“I said I’ll answer five questions, and that they must agree on what to ask me.” I look at a clock. “They have five minutes.”

“And why did you say you’d eat anypony who asked a stupid question?”

“I didn’t. They’re freaking out.”

“Well, tell them that!”

“I don’t care what they think. You do it.” Twilight sighs, but surprisingly, stays inside. Once the ten minutes are up I open the door and stand in front of the mass of equine annoyances. “Alright, what do you want to ask?”

A hoof is raised. “Yes, the orange one with the carrots on her butt?”

“What did you say!?”

“I said you’re orange and have a lame tattoo. Four more questions.”

The crowd groans. No more hooves, just voices. “What are you?”

“A human, I told you earlier. Three left.”

“What do you eat?”

“Anything I consider food. Two questions.”

“Why are you here?”

“I have no idea. One question left, choose well.”

I was not prepared for the next question. I couldn’t be.

“What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?”

I burst out laughing. Oh god, that was absolutely priceless! At this point I’m on the floor, holding my stomach, laughing like a madman.

Eventually I stand back up, still panting and chuckling. “Heh... heh... o- okay. I’ll do it. Anyone can chop beef...”

The same pony who asked the question replies at the top of her lungs. “But nopony can pee soup!”

I run out into the crowd and find the pony, and give the little filly a high five. Well, for me, it’s more of a low five, but the effect is the same.

I pick up the tiny pony, a small light-orange filly with purple eyes, and a mane a shade darker than her coat.

“What’s your name little girl?”

“Noi!”

“Aren’t you just adorable?” I hold her in my arm and tickle her. That laugh is totally addictive. I hold her above my head like that one scene from Lion King and make my first public declaration. “Noi is best pony!”

She is laughing again. I place her on my head and run off, she is now chanting for me to “Go faster!”

The rest of the town just stares at me. Suddenly, I hear the call of the wild Killjoy. “Noi, young mare, get back here now!”

“Five more minutes, mom!”

“Now! Don’t make me start counting!”

“Awwww...”

I set Noi down on the ground, and she runs off to her mother. “Bye Anthony!”

That was the best thing ever. Too bad she doesn’t know my real name, but I’m not too sure I should reveal that bit of info to anyone just yet.

“Are you insane!?” Twilight yelled at me as soon as I got back inside the library.

“Most likely.”

“Well you... what?”

“I agreed with you. I sure ain’t normal.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“Yep.” I pat Twilight on the head and sit back down with my book.

“And... and what do you call what happened out there?”

“Hmmm... Fun, I think I’ll call it fun.”

“Spike, take a letter!” Spike ran into the room, already armed with a quill and parchment. Twilight proceeded to dictate her message. “Dear Princess Celestia, please find a way to get rid of this stupid monkey as soon as you can, I fear my sanity and that of Ponyville may be on the line. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” When Spike is finished, he rolls up the parchment and ignites it with green fire breath.

“Riveting story.”

“Bite me.”

I bare my teeth. “Where do you want it?”

She doesn’t respond, at least that’s what I think. She walks up to me and turns around. “What, you want me to bite your ass? Kink-Ooooooooohohohohohooooo”

I fall on the ground, my legs not able to hold me up. So much pain... I gingerly hold my “vulnerables” as Twilight just steps over me. “Spike, I’m going to make some tea, would you like to join me?”

Spike just gives me an apologetic look and calls back. “Uh, no... I’m good.”

“Suit yourself. Anthony?”

“Y- yes...?” I swear my voice is an octave higher.

“Don’t fuck with me.”

“Understood...”

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