I bid Celestia farewell and  go over to meet the rest of my group. Shining Armor is saying goodbye to his wife and sister. I go over to Twilight. “Did he tell you about the time I beat him in a one-on-one match?” I smirk, folding my arms.

Twilight laughs, and shakes her head. “He’s only really a good barrier mage, he’s not too good if you can get around him. I used to have so much fun once I learned to teleport.” She chuckles.

I look over, and see Shining get glomped by his wife and given a large amount of Public Affection, to a point that the guards and I are looking pretty much anywhere but at the two of them. Man that is quite the kiss. I think my cheeks are on fire from looking at it.

“So, are we going, or do I need to get a crowbar?”

Cadence finally lets Shining go, and he falls bonelessly to the floor, a look of utter, happy stupefaction on his face. It also looks like he’s barely breathing, and Cadence sure looks winded. She smiles and looks around. “Alright, yeah, I’m ready to go!” She giggles and bounces into the room containing the Wunderland Lookinglass Gate. I’m expecting, from the measurements given in the textbook Twilight was quoting about them, that the Gate would only be about four feet tall.

A sheet of shimmering, rippling quicksilver is attached to the far wall of the room, surrounded by a frame of simple copper, the frame shrouded in verdigris. As I step in, a sheathed blade is slapped to my chest, and I grab it on reflex. I look down, and see a handle of steel, inset with ivory whorls, swirls, and filigree shapes of varying kinds. The sheath is barely as long as my forearm, but looks to be about the right size to strap to my leg. Some kind of short machete?

“Uh, this is a... soup spoon?” I have no idea, so I figure I should give a weird one.

The guard who gave it to me, built like a house and covered in muscles and scars, glares at me. “It’s a Vorpal Blade. That’s an eighty-thousand bit investment, so don’t lose it. Also, don’t draw it unless you’re attackin’ something, or it’ll go after you.”

“Fine, fine. So I take it you’ll be joining us with the rest of the redshirts?”

“Redshirts? I’m an armorer. Now git, you’re stalling the line.” I turn, and see that the guards behind me are patiently waiting for me to move.

“Oh very well then. Alright everybody, walk this way!” I say, taking large, over dramatized steps, and moving my arms about. I turn back to them as I keep going. “Get it, because I said walk this way, as in walk like thi-” Suddenly I’m through the portal.

A feeling like falling, but up and sideways at once, with a strange feeling like being on a  corkscrew rollercoaster, but in reverse, fills me. Stretching and pulling sensations seem to grab my limbs, threatening to tear my arms out of their sockets.

All at once, I’m not falling, turning, or anything, merely standing in a large clearing in a fairly normal-looking jungle, a wooden palisade surrounding ti and buildings set up in all directions.

I feel the overwhelming urge to grab the nearest person and yell about how awesome that ride was. It just so happened that the nearest to me was Twilight.

After my outburst, she looks a little rattled, but rallies pretty easily. As she recovers, I see that she’s in a full suit of nearly-modern looking combat armor, complete with a salad-bowl shaped helmet over her head, her cutie-mark painted onto the side of the uniform and on her helmet.

“Man, what a rush. I think I almost threw up! Oh man I hope that happens on the way back, too!”

Twilight shakes her head. “Well, maybe if y-” She’s cut off by Pinkie flying out of the portal behind us at a fair clip, shouting ‘Whee!’ and slamming into me and Twilight.

I look up at her, and see she’s nestled quite snugly over me and Twilight, and is hugging us both while we’re here.

“See, that’s the kind of thing I’d expect from most people after a ride like that! Where’s Cadence?”

“She’s getting her body armor on! Isn’t this stuff awesomazing?” Pinkie hops intot he air, landing in a heroic pose more suited to Dash, in order to show off the armor. She’s got saddlebags on each side, her body has contoured armor plates covering vitals. The least protective armor piece is the helmet, which looks like someone painted a salad bowl in matte camo, put her cutie-mark on it, and slapped it on her head, much like Twilight’s. Pinkie’s flanks had her cutie-marks painted on as well.

“Yeah, I suppose. That might even stop a bullet for you. Looks pretty good.”

Pinkie pronks in a circle as Twilight sits back up, rubbing her head for a moment. Then, she notices her helmet fell off. Pinkie is currently juggling it, her own helmet, and a few others.

“Heh, yeah Pinkie totally comes from Wunderland...”

“Ooh! I wonder if mister Tuffles is still around! He’s such a good bird.” Pinkie smiles wistfully, then looks thunderstruck. “Omigosh, I gotta go say hi to my Granny Pie! Anthony, you wanna come with?” I’m about to say yes as Cadence comes through the portal, stumbling and walking sideways for a second. Her eyes spin in their sockets, but her armor is easily a decade or six better than Twilight’s and Pinkie’s, and has her cutie-mark on the chestplate. She’s also got holes for her wings, and I can see metal covers on the front of the leading primaries, covered in the swirling designs that adorn my own Vorpal Blade. Her wings flutter to balance herself.

“Well I guess we should wait for the guards... nah. You two just tell them where we went. Come on Pinkie, lead the way!”

Pinkie giggles, and begins to pronk along. In spite of the slow, bouncy movement, she seems to cover more than twice the distance she travels. She’s heading towards one of the wooden buildings in the established camp. Somehow, she’s going at least twice as fast as me.

“You think you’re fast?” I Spark up and rush forward, coming up next to her, Or, at least, I try. Moments later, I find myself at the Lookinglass Gate instead, the complete opposite direction of Pinkie. What the- ? Oh, right. Wunderland, the biggest middle finger to physics in history. I turn back to where I wanted to go, and I follow the same path, this time walking at a normal pace.

In refreshingly little time, I’m in front of a small, wooden cabin near the palisade, next to Pinkie. She smiles broadly, and knocks on the door three times.

“Who’s there?” a voice says from within the cabin.

“It’s-a me! Pinkie!” She flounces the word. I’m not sure how, but it happens.

“I ask again, who goes there?” the voice calls out.

I’m feeling a little funny in the head, and I give a reply. “It’s the Spanish Inquisition, you probably weren’t expecting us!”

Pinkie turns to me, and I can feel the confused look from whoever the voice belonged to.

“Wh- what? That’s not how it goes!” the voice called, sounding both confused and angry.

“Sorry, didn’t know if you even knew the joke in the first place. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! There, better?”

Several moments of silence pass. “I live in Wunderland, and I can tell you, objectively, that makes no sense, whatsoever.” The door suddenly frowns at me, and I have to quash a sudden urge to flee.

“Well pardon me, it’s not my fault I’m the only one who gets my jokes.”

The door rolls its knot-eyes at me. “Sure, that’s what all the failed comedians say.” Pinkie face-hoofs beside me.

“Yeah, yeah. So do we need to say ‘open sesame’ or what?”

The door harrumphs. “Fine, no sense of tradition I see. Your grandmother will be most disappointed, Pinkamena.” The door swings open.

“I don’t even know most of the traditions around here outside of Wunderland. Wait, Pinkamena? That’s what Pinkie is short for?” I give Pinkie an odd look. “What kinda name is that?”

“Idunno, but everypony in my family has a long first name, a short middle name, and ‘Pie’ for their last name!” Pinkie smiles up at me, and begins to bounce into the small, one-story cabin.

I just follow her in, not really knowing what to expect.

It’s a cozy, nice place. The whole place has a rustic, simple charm to it, and feels very lived-in. There’s a fireplace, unlit, and a few shelves with books on them. A grandfather clock stands against one wall, a slightly shorter one next to it, and more than a dozen egg timers all over the floor and desk nearby.

Pinkie is standing near the middle of the room, where another pony stands, looking about the same age as Pinkie. Except, that’s where the normality ends.

The pony hugging Pinkie has her mane tied back, and it’s zig-zagged in blue and green, and a black-and-white checkerboard pattern covers the front half of her coat. Her hindquarters are a riot of colors and shapes, angles and curves making a tough-to-look-at ‘pattern’ of indescribable complexity.

“Granny Pie, I presume?” I say, announcing myself, trying to step over and around the various eggtimers. The mare looks young but, hey, Wunderland. My guess was as good as any, I figured.

The mare chuckles. “Why yes, I am! Most folks guess me to be crosswise older than I seem, and even my cranky grump of a cat thinks I should look older. Contrariwise, I’m no older than I don’t look, but only if you’re looking for how old I’m not.”

I’m starting to get into the hang of the whole Wunderland deal, even if it makes the scientist part of my brain want to feed my legs into a woodchipper along with a bag of salt. “So Pinkie mentions you, but doesn’t say much. How’s about I get to know you?”

Granny Pie smiles widely and puts a hoof to her chest. “Why, young mister, I do believe we’ve only met! Maybe we should leave that off ‘til the second or third date.” She winks and grins at me.

“Hah, sorry to disappoint, but I’m not gonna try anything. This man right here is reserved for humanoids only.”

Granny Pie takes two steps towards me, somewhere in that time becoming a fully-fleshed woman, clad in a simple set of clothing matching her previous colors. Her hair is still zig-zagged in blue and green. “Now now, don’t be giving me challenges if you don’t really wanna participate.” She smiles wider, reaching out to boop me on the nose.

“Yep, you’re definitely related to Pinkie, even if she doesn’t make as many dirty jokes.” I boop her back. She scoffs. “But honestly, nah, not that interested.”

“hmph, well, I take offense to your calling my jokes ‘dirty’, I keep them washed often and well, and soap behind their ears. I could do no less, after all, they serve me quite well. I am a queen, you know.”

“Well, I apologize for my slang, your highness.” I give a little bow, barely missing stepping on a timer. “Is there a particular purpose for all of these?”

“They, like my dearest Pinkie here,” Granny Pie begins, shifting back to a pony in the moment I wasn’t paying attention, “Are visiting their grandparents.” She gestures at the two grandf- oh. I should’ve seen that coming...

“I see, well I apologize if I crashed this little family reunion.” At this point, I’ve just given up questioning things. Who cares, anyway?

Granny Pie grabs me in a bear hug. Well, grabs me in a hug, as an extremely flamboyantly furred bear. “Not at all! And you’re just in time for tea! I have presents for you both, you know. Did you know, Pinkamena’s grandfather was a hat-maker? Oh, that’s what first brought me to him, you know.” She set me down in a chair, a feeling of being railroaded pervading my mind.

“Of course, I stayed because he was a unicorn, and chained me to a wall with words.” she sighed theatrically and wistfully. “It’s wonderful, to be understood.”

“I agree completely. Though when others don’t understand, it just makes it more fun to confuse them. I wonder if Twilight and Cadence will be joining us.”

“I doubt they wouldn’t not choose to stay away or come. There’s no reason to avoid coming to someplace you haven’t been if you’re already there.” I have the sneaking suspicion she’s going in circles on purpose now.

“Anyhow, I heard you had gifts for us. Are we allowed to guess what they might be?”

“Oh, of course! But be sure not to guess wrong, that’d be most tragic. After all, this is a true banquet! And we’ll have to eat our words later.” Granny Pie shuffled into what I assume is the kitchen humming some tune under her breath.

Pinkie turns her head, grinning wider than I’ve ever seen her grin before. “Oh, wow, isn’t my Granny Pie great?” She looks at me, eyes bright and twinkling.

“She’s fantastic! In multiple meanings of the word.” I ruffle Pinkie’s mane and follow Granny Pie, again avoiding the egg timers. I think for a moment. Would she mean we eat the literal words we spoke, or does she mean we will eat whatever we say? Or both? Hmmm...

I step into the kitchen and see that there’s only half of many of the appliances. Sitting on what I think is a wood stove, made of wood, is a cat, silver in color with pale green pinstripes running along its body. It’s completely asleep, but grinning to itself.

I decide to choose a word of a dessert that tastes good, but the letters aren’t too blocky. Suddenly, a dessert I haven’t had in ages pops into my head and I guess it before I can think not to, my memory of it so delicious.

“Is my gift tiramisu?”

Granny Pie turns her owl head over her shoulder, grasping a set of utensils in her wings. “No, but that’s a good guess, if guesses could make their own decisions. I suppose morality doesn’t have much to do with guesses, but it could if he put mind to it.” Wait, is morality the word, or a person? Hell, I’m just gonna say it’s both.

“So, Pinkie, you wanna guess what your gift is?” I call out to the main room.

“I hope it’s something I want, but don’t have!” she calls back. I can’t help but chuckle.

Granny Pie turns around, seamlessly shifting back into a human again, carrying a bowl full of red-orange goop. “Now that is a good idea. I suppose I should put it in for later.” she remarks, opening up the half-an-oven and putting the dish in it, opening a valve from the wooden wood stove to the oven. “Now, if you don’t mind, let’s go back to the main room. I believe your friends have wandered over here.” Granny Pie shifts again, this time into a massive cat of some kind, still striped and zig-zagged, and patterned however.

I do as I’m asked and head back to the main room, sitting down next to Pinkie.

She leans towards me, being as warm and snuggly as ever. Granny Pie smiles at the action, laughing quietly. “Well, I do wish that was a thing that hadn’t already not happened. There’s too little of too much of what you two almost had to not do. Hmm, that was a weird way to say things!” I couldn’t agree more.

Granny Pie tilts her head, looking at the clocks. “Ah, perfect! Right on time they failed to be! Almost an hour past the minute, in fact.” At exactly that moment, I hear a knocking on the door.

“Who is it?” Granny Pie asks, grinning widely, as the cat from the kitchen walks into the room, sniffing at Pinkie.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle!”

Granny Pie nods. “I ask again, who goes there?” She winks at me.

“I am Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight’s sounding a bit upset.

“Once more I ask, who knocks?”

“I am Twilight Sparkle, damnit!” Granny Pie pauses for a moment.

“Now just a minute, I thought you said you were just Twilight Sparkle?”

“I am!”

“That’s entirely up for debate.”

I hold back my laughter, Pinkie and Granny Pie doing the same as I hear Twilight growling and snarling outside in frustration. I can also hear Cadence laughing, through the door. Before Twilight can do anything more, the door swings open, and I can see her scowling face sweep the room. She growls again before entering.

I walk over and, holding back a laugh, I greet her. “Twilight! What a surprise!”

She gives me a look that, if looks could kill, would have vaporized me and the surrounding landscape. She glances around, before her eyes settle on Granny Pie, currently a pony again, though this time looking like a pegasus.

Twilight’s eyes go wide, and she clings to me. “Aaah! Anthony, that’s a Boojum!”

Next Chapter: Chapter 74 Estimated time remaining: 25 Hours, 2 Minutes