From the Daily Journal of Steven Ambrose, Entry Number 40:

I don't care in which dimension you find yourself in or what world you suddenly inhabit, but whether they're human or pony, the media is a pack of jackals! It hasn't even been forty-eight hours since the Grand Galloping Gala has ended, and the vultures with quill and notepad are out for blood. It seems their current obsession is for an entity they've labeled, “The Intelligent Orangutan.” I'll give you three guesses who that might be. Their zeal to get the heart of this story has them descending onto Ponyville and haranguing the citizens here. It's gotten bad enough in the last few hours that Princess Sparkle has issued an edict preventing the journalists from hounding everyday ponies. She's even printed a statement about yours truly to stifle the frenzy; it hasn't really helped.

Just a bit ago, I got cornered by some Pegasus reporter asking me about the Gala. Some of the questions the mare fired at me were rather- personal. I answered only what I choose to answer, but this didn't stop Little Miss Nosy from pestering me further. I have no idea where they got the idea that I'm linked, in whatever fashion, to royalty. Well, I do know Princess Twilight, but that's by proxy of Fluttershy and Applejack. Then the nosy mare hits me with one hell of a loop: Am I in a relationship with either of the Cosmic Sisters? I had to have that question clarified. This mare, whose name I understood to be Harsh Whisper, explained that rumors were abound in Canterlot, saying I was dating either Princess Celestia or Princess Luna.

I gotta say, I've never been more surprised in my life! Me, dating a princess, one of the Alacorn Princesses? Perish the thought! I'll be the first to admit that the Sisters are pretty. Celestia carries herself rather regally for an equine entity. She is as radiant as the star it's professed she controls. Luna is lovely, too, even if she acts more imperious. Given what I found out about her at The Gala, I can't blame her for acting that way. She's been separated from Equestrian society for nigh unto a millennium. The attitudes and customs of that era are still with her, even if they died out centuries prior. She's pretty much “time and tempest tossed.”

I- don't honestly think either one of them would date me, especially Celestia. During our dance, she made it pretty clear she doesn't trust me. She's of the mind that all humans are bastards. From what memories and information I've gathered, her grudge against humanity is warranted, if now a little out of date. I know for a fact that the Proletariat were responsible for the bomb that killed the Equestrian queen and king. I know that, still suffering from grief, Celestia staged a one filly war against The Terran Empire. And I know that she issued an order to purge her kingdom of the “scourge that is humanity.” Twilight might balk at the thought, but she engages in that tactic, “neutralizing” human threats wherever she sees them. She damn near put Homo Sapiens on the endangered species list here! I'm probably the first human she's hasn't been able to “cleanse” from her world in well over five centuries!!

My- well, memories of the Terran Empire show me the results of her sorrow. As an act of retaliation against the Empire, she razed the Imperial capital city of Pivot. Her memory, and grief, must be long to still be carrying that grievance. In any case, I need to be careful around her in future dealings…

In other news, Hand That Mourns has returned to active service. I didn't even know she was offline. According to my pneuma ex machina, she was busy trawling within The Ecumene, whatever that is. She said she was searching for some data that might help me with my duties as the Archmage. I asked her why it took her so long to look up this information and she replied that she took so long because she searched the entirety of The Ecumene; she unfortunately came up empty. Any mentions of The Imperial Archmage were either missing or heavily redacted. She didn't have the clearance necessary to read the unaltered files. Worse still, some of the files she looked for where in places where she could gain no access whatsoever. “By the Hand of the Matron,” they were labeled. Hand assumes that either House Majesty or House Proletariat classified those documents.

What that means is, I'm back to square one. I'm totally in the dark when it comes to how this Archmage business means. I'm also clueless about The Voice In My Head or now more accurately Voices In My Head. There are now more than one, and each seems to bring some kernel or nugget of knowledge about the office of The Archmage. It doesn't help that they come in like auditory hallucinations. I know for sure that Twilight thinks I've lost all sanity. Truth be told, I'm beginning to feel the same way…

My morning is greeted by the sun peeking through the curtains in my bedroom, just it has done everyday for last four months. I know I’ve said it before, but I am not a morning person. The fact that I'm romantically involved with two of the earliest risers in Ponyville has not changed my disposition on mornings. Methinks they are The Devil! In any case, I know I went to bed last night with a pair of warm bodies keeping me comfortable; as dawn breaks this day, I find those two lovely mares missing from my mattress. Oh, well.

Owing that I'm now wide awake, I may as well grab a shower. After a shower I may just get some breakfast. If in the interim I happen to come across My Apple Blossom or My Butterfly, I'll give them a kiss, maybe a small token of my affection and if they're up to it, an afternoon quickie. Jackie isn't one for having sex in the midday, but I have never known Fluttershy to shy about a roll in the hay. It's one of the few things she isn't painfully awkward about. Well, may as well get out of bed.

“Hey, there!” Comes a voice from the kitchen.

“Hullo,” I reply, looking toward my kitchen at the mare seated at my dining table, “what brings you here, AJ? I thought you were supposed to be tending the fields.”

“Oh, Ah am,” Applejack says, “just figured ya might want some breakfast first. Cain't go wrong with corn flakes and apple slices!”

I seat myself, taking of the proffered foodstuffs from my marefriend and take a big whiff, “A better start than I had planned. Thanks, Jackie!”

“Yer welcome, Steve,” AJ replies, then she adds, “Steve, I know ya know Ah'm the Element of Honesty, right?”

I swallow a bite of cereal and sliced apples and say, “I do. Aside from from your lovely smile, it's the best part of you. Why so doth thou ask?”

“Well,” the farm mare answers, digging a hoof into the floor, “It seems that we got us some reporters from Canterlot wanting an interview with ya. Cain't rightly say why. I've been keepin' held back, well away from ya, but soon'r or later, ya'll gonna need to speak with 'em.”

“Great,” I moan, “the bottom feeders are upon us. Well, thank you Jackie; I got plenty on my plate already, as you know-”

AJ nods, “As yer mare, it's mah duty to keep ya safe from harm and whatnot. If'n ya want, I can send 'em packin', though Ah'm pr'bably gonna do that ennyways.”

“I'll talk to 'em,” I shrug, “best to give 'em something so they can back off. I know they ain't gonna stop until they've trampled over every tree in the orchard to find me. Might as well head 'em off.”

Jackie gives me a smile and nod, which fades quickly into a grimace, “Ah got some other news that Ah think don't think yer gonna like.”

I've swallowed a good size bite of my breakfast before I reply, though I recognize the awful fidgeting AJ is prone to when she has to tell an uncomfortable truth, “What kind of truth?”

“Well” Jackie begins, “Ah know ya'll cain’t read the paper, seein' as yer written Equestrian is kind a weak- Well, I saw somethin' in the Ponyville Express that, well, it ain't pretty.”

“Whatcha mean?” I ask.

“Here,” Jackie tells me, “Ah read fer ya.

“Ahem! 'It has recently come to my attention that the Regents of our fair land are ponies, after all. Given their sheer magical might, they are still mares with feelings as acute as even the simplest of ponies. While this nominally would not phase me, I have encountered a scenario that appalls me to no end.

'Very recently, Equestria has become host to a creature, for lack of a better word, that has the capacity for thought and speech. This creature has been granted every protection of the Crowns while it resides in our fair kingdom. It is purported to have an occupation within the small hamlet he calls his home. This would not usually be my concern, but recent events have come to light that suggest that this creature is attempting to woo the hoof of one my aunts.

'Let it be known that I, for one, do not approve of such a liaison, no matter how diplomatic it may seem. In my humble opinion, this creature, this hoo-man, has no place in pony society and any pony that associates with this foul being is trespassing on treason. Under no circumstances should this hoo-man be allowed to interact or influence our standing regents.

'It is my proposal, on this day of grace, one thousand and three years after Night Mare Moon, that we Equestrians move to isolate this threat from our society, lest he corrupt lonely mares or worse, defile either of the Ruling Diarchs. I propose this, not for my own benefit, but for the benefit of all Equestria.'”

“Who,” I growl, “in the flying fuck wrote that garbage?!”

“The article ain't signed or nothin',” AJ answers, “but Ah gotts funny feelin' Ah know who dun wrote it.”

“Some Canterlot noble snob?” I say.

AJ shakes her head, “Nope. Ah'm purty sure it's Prince Blueblood. This is just the kinda thing he'd do.”

I sigh, venting a small bit of frustration before saying, “I need to see Spike. I've got write a letter.”

It doesn’t take me long to get a shower in, and I’m dressed within ten minutes, so very little time is wasted. I tear through town on my way to Golden Oak, hoping to have a word with Spike. As I haul ass, I hear words of encouragement from my fellow villagers. Most likely, they’ve read the Express this morning, too, and are inclined to disagree with Blueblood. I’ve actually grown to appreciate that about this town. Once they got ever the initial shock, they seem to get along with just about everybody and anypony. It’s the kind of support I could never back home.

Once I finally have the library in my sights, I double time it. I’m at the door in seconds, knocking lightly. After a moment or two, Sunset open the door. Her face goes from expectant to crestfallen in the time it takes for her to register my presence.

“Oh, it’s you,” the unicorn moans.

“Who were you expecting, Shirley Temple?” I ask.

“Never mind,” Sunset moans, “can I help you?”

I answer, “If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to speak with Princess Twilight or better still, Spike, if at all possible.”

Sunset levitates a notepad towards her, keeping it far enough away from me so that my nullification effect is prevented and reads through the list. She hems and haws her way through this schedule, presumedly to confirm what she knows of the Princess’ day.

“The Princess is otherwise occupied,” Sunset proclaimed, “she is not to be disturbed. She was given a last minute history project by Princess Celestia. It could take all day to complete.”

I was about to turn away when Sunset added, “But young Master Spike is off, today. I believe he said he going to catch up on his Power Pony comics today. As such, he should be free.”

“Excellent,” I say, “I’ll only really need to speak with him for about ten minutes or so, at most.”

Sunset sweeps a pastern into the library; I take this as my cue to enter. The Golden Oak is like it always is: books, scrolls, ink, and dust. I seem to have caught Sunset in the midst of dusting off the shelves. I see a feather duster laying on the center table and looks like it was recently used.

“Spike in his room,” Sunset informs me, “Twilight is in her lab. Please don’t make too much noise. The Princess is under enough stress as is.”

“I’ll be a churchmouse,” I quip, “won’t be hearing anything out of me.”

Sunset gives me an inscrutable look, but says nothing further. I’m more than familiar with where Spike’s room is. Getting up those tiny stairs, on the other hand, is a challenge. Big enough for a pony’s hoof is a third of the length of my clod stompers. I still get upstairs, but I nearly tumble once or twice. Once I’m on the landing to the shared living space claimed by the Princess and her dragon, I search out for my scaly buddy.

He’s not that hard to find, sitting amidst several towers of comics laid out around his basket-bed. To get to him, I can do one of three things. The first is to navigate the stairs. The second is to call out to him. The third is to swing myself up to the upper level, which is actually pretty easy as the lip of that floor I can easily reach. Clambering up there might be a bother, but I can manage it. Fuck it, let’s do this the easy way.

“Spike, you busy, bub?” I call.

“Steve?” Spike squeaks, and I see him lose his grip on the latest issue of Power Ponies.

“Yep,” I answer, “I didn’t startle you or anything?”

“Nah,” Spike assures me, “just really engrossed in my comic. Why are you here?”

“I was hoping you can help me with something,” I tell the drake.

“You aren’t trying to get Rarity in your herd again, are ya?” He growls, “Rarity is mine, ya hear!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I backtrack, “slow your roll, big guy! The whole herd thing was not my idea. Even though it’s working for me now, I hadn’t really considered Rares a prospect, capiche?”

“You mean it?” Spike asks.

I nod, “Bros before hoes, you know?”

Spike gives a quizzical look to me, but he doesn’t refuse the fist bump I offer. After said bump, he then looks apologetic.

“I’m sorry I got angry at you,” Spike sniffles, “it gets kinda frustrating when you can speak to her more easily than me.”

“I guess it helps that I don’t harbor any romantic feelings for the mare,” I reply, “so all’s forgiven.”

Spike gives me a smile and then hugs me. I return the favor because he’s my friend. When we break away, I can see some tears in his eyes, but he’s holding it together pretty well.

“So, Steve, what can I help you with?” The young drake asks.

“I need a letter written,” I tell him, “in Equuish, preferably. I’m hoping to hit the Canterlot Sunrise Daily before the presses shut down this evening. Can you help?”

“You bet!” Spike exclaims, “let me get a scroll and a quill.”

I leave the Golden Oak in ten minutes time, having spoken with Spike about dictating a letter. He wrote it up and sent it, so I can only suppose that it should show up in The Sunrise Daily in the next few days. There was no way I was going to let that blowhard Blue Balls hand me a new one. My retort should wrangle his fetlocks, for sure.

In summary, I explained that, as a sapient being, I have intelligence, maturity, and judgement to know when I’m overstepping my bounds. While Blueblood never mentioned neither Lady Luna or myself by name, I knew who he was referring to. (I mean, come on, the tallest of the ponies measures just shy of five feet and I stand an even six feet all. Even Celestia has to look up to face me, though not by much.) Even so, I let it be known, in no uncertain terms, that the Princess has every right to have discussions of either a public or private matter with whomever she chooses. Her bratty nephew has no real say in it.

I’m glad I got that off my chest. It’s not often I vent my sizable spleen like that, but Blue Balls has earned my ire in the worst way. I’m more than certain that Lady Luna is capable of making her own decisions. She is a full grown mare, for Faust’s sake! From all I’ve gathered of the errant prince, he’s lucky he can find his crown most mornings. The debauchery he gets up to are legendary by Equestrian standards. What gall the little prince has telling his much older aunt who she can befriend. I thought the whole idea of her joining in with modern society was she wouldn’t get lonely or jealous of her sister.

While I don’t think a single letter is gonna change Blue Balls’ mind, I’m hoping it gives him some pause. He is not the executor of either Princess Celestia’s or Luna’s estates, so he don’t have any vote on what they do when they do it. That said, I fear that Celestia has made up her mind about me. She was ambivalent before, but now she’s certain I’m trouble. Maybe she sees my engagement to Fluttershy and Applejack as a ruse? That’s a fine trick! If I wasn’t sincere in my affection for either of them, why would they be in my herd unless- Oh, shit that does make sense. She thinks I’m trying to weasel my way into Equestrian Society.

It’s not a bad idea, per se, but it’s not the plan I’m running with right now. I like it here; there’s more going on positively here in Ponyville than I got in thirty-five years back home! Why would I want to leave? Hell, why would I want to ruin it all? Maybe that’s what Celestia is thinking. I’m a double agent of a sort… Mind you, I’d slaughter every single member of House Proletariat just to get some peace from them. Why in the name of all things bright would I work for them? A problem for another day. Oh, look, here comes Fluttershy!

After a few simple errands, I return home. I did manage a little bit of work at Midway’s place, so the day wasn’t a total loss. The light workload still gave me a decent sweat so a shower was order, again. Well, to be honest, the shower came after entertaining Fluttershy for the afternoon. More on that later…

A little while after setting up dinner to cook did a knock come at my door. This would be Derpy, delivering the mail. She has the early evening run while Blossomforth handles the midmorning run. It’s not that unusual for Derpy to turn up just as dinner is started, although she seems to be running early today. Gotta wonder what that’s about.

I open the door, barechested, and to no surprise there’s Derpy.

“Hey, Steve,” Derpy chirps brightly, “got your mail!”

“Thanks, Derpster,” I reply, “a little early for the evening run, ain’t it?”

“A little,” Derpy answers, “but this was a special delivery. Look at the sender.”

I do as Derpy suggests and my eyes water a little at the script on the envelope. I can scarcely read it, it’s so messy. It’s no handwriting I’ve ever seen, save for the untidy scrawl of an elementary student. Amidst the loops and whirls of the signature, I see a shape that looks vaguely familiar. During all this time I’m examining the envelope, Derpy wears her brightest smile.

“Derpy, is this letter from Princess Luna?” I ask.

The mailmare nods, “Yes it is! I promised Her Highness I’d deliver to you in pony, and I did!”

“And you can read this?” I ask, pointing at the childish scrawl on the envelope.

“Yes, I can,” Derpy says, pointing a hoof to her eyes.

“Oh, right, walleyes,” I moan, “sorry Derpy. I didn’t mean to insult.”

“It’s okay,” Derpy says, “I’m not even mad.”

“Next time,” I continue, “I’ll try not to sound surprised and/or appalled. I’ll try for amazed.”

“Okay,” Derpy chirps, “be sure to read that, huh? You wouldn’t wanna upset Princess Luna now.”

“You got it,” I stammer, “Thanks, Derpy! Is there anything else in your mailbag for me?”

“Nope,” Derpy says, “that was it. Well, I better get going. I may be early now, but who knows what else might slow me down?”

“Too true,” I say, waving my friend goodbye, “later on, Ditzy!”

I watch Derpy take flight over the canopy of trees and soar towards Ponyville. Once she’s nothing more than a pinprick in Celestia’s setting sun, I turn and close the door. I tear into the letter, pulling out several sheafs of parchment. One of the pages was written in a now familiar script that I associate with the Sun Goddess. The other pages in the envelope were filled with a tight script I didn’t recognize. At the beginning of the missive, the writer seemed to have trouble putting all the words together; later on, they started to grasp how certain letters could combine to make a word and then chain those words to make sentences.

“Who was at the door, Stevie,” Fluttershy asked, emerging from the bedroom, “you don’t usually get mail this late, do you?”

“Not usually,” I explain, “but Derpy said this was a special delivery. Part of this looks like it was written by Lady Celestia, the other parts- I have no clue. I suppose it was written by Princess Luna.”

“Why don’t you read it,” Fluttershy engendered, “we can puzzle out who wrote what.”

“Okay,” I agree, “let’s see… This is definitely the sun princess. Listen to this:

‘To Ambassador Steven Ambrose of the Terran Empire,

‘No doubt you have have read an opinion article singling you out on an imaginary topic. I have no doubt about the writer of that opinion piece; unfortunately, I do not have the power to reprimand the author or rescind the article in question. Nevertheless, what was printed on the page was the opinion of a ne’er-do-well and braggart. The author is less educated about your position and intelligence that any of the nobles in Canterlot. It is my advice that you not rise to his bait. Seeking a confrontation with such an individual may result in your defeat. They may bring you down to their level and beat you with their expertise. I ask that you stay above the fray; the opinion of a single author is not worthy of your valuable time.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia, Herald of the Sun, Regent of Equestria, Daughter of Queen Astraeus and King Eos.’”

“Oh,” My Butterfly whispered, “that isn’t so bad. It seems like Princess Celestia wants you to forget whoever wrote that nasty article.”

“Seems so,” I reply, “now, let’s see if this is indeed, a missive from Princess Luna. Let’s see if I can read this…

‘Dearest Sir Steven,’

“Well, that’s a little unexpected.

‘I write this letter today in a number of conflicting states. As it may have been pointed out to you, a certain writer to the Canterlot Sunrise Daily has expressed an opinion that- To be honest, is most unflattering of you. If you have not read or had it read to you, I pray that you would refrain from doing so. If perchance I am too late, then I beg your forgiveness. I could not stop my nephew from authoring such- offal. it burdens my heart that Prince Blueblood would take such an offense of you when you have no quarrel with him at all.

‘That said, I would ask that you not take this lying down, as it were. The Prince may be politically powerful, but that power is not absolute. I believe the modern phrase for this situation is, the ball is now in your court. I pray that you are able to volley it back, right into Prince Blueblood’s muzzle! He is an ignorant toerag and while mine sister has not seen fit to reign him in, it would be a fine piece of poetic justice he gets his just desserts form you, Sir Steven.

‘I have said my piece on this matter; nothing more can said from me. Instead, I would like take this time to write a note thanks for your bravery and congeniality in speaking with the other night. My ponies rarely seek audience from me; even the renewed Night Court harbors a rather sparse attendance. Yet, the words you spoke, even as obtuse as they seemed at the time, have now fully resonated within me. I understand fully what you spoke of. I must do what I can to make myself happy. Only then will my subjects be happy with me.

‘To that end, I would ask a personal favor of you. I- I will admit that I not the most stable of ponies. I am as mercurial as My Moon and more besides. My friendships aside from the Element Bearers and mine sister are all that I have at current. I have been seeking out others to join me in companionship, but too few ponies are willing to spend time with one who was seen as a villain for a millennia. As such, I know of very few of my subjects willing to spend time with me.

‘I know that my temperament is often at odds with my subjects. I am more prone to violent outbursts than even the soldiers that protect my person. Far more, if I am being honest. I fear that my nature has become so abrasive that most ponies would have nothing to do with me. That is why I must ask this favor of you, Sir Steven. If it is not too much trouble, would you be my friend? Given the kind words you shared with me, I feel that you are best suited for this small service.

‘I have- I have not, in recent memory, felt more relaxed than I when I was in your company. Methinks it is because you are neither afraid of me nor do you harbor any of the suspicions and biases my ponies still have. You also have an uncanny knack about how to deal with the nobility. I am sorely vexed by those awful sycophants that I often dismiss the Night Court just to keep myself from listening to their petty concerns. Very few of Canterlot’s elite come to me for legitimate grievances. It is my belief that I can learn as much from you as you could learn from me.

‘I plead now, do this boon for me! I have so few companions who share my love of the night. I do put so much work into painting the night sky. I have heard from a legitimate source that you are an artist. I would love your input into my work, as well. We could trade secrets of artistic merit and I would be delighted to hear how your homeworld’s moon works. Somepony told me that your people have already visited it. I find that fascinating and would love to hear more.

‘I do wish I could put to parchment all that I feel at this moment. I am anxious for your reply, but I fear what may be in your reply. I do hope there is little delay from the time you receive this and the time I hold your correspondence in my hooves. Please send your response with the valiant Ms. Derpy Hooves. She will know how to reach me effectively. May light and love shine on you, Sir Steven. I shall wait.

‘Ever always yours,

‘Princess Luna, Herald of the Moon, Regent of Equestria, Daughter of Queen Astraeus and King Eos.

P.S.: I am quite fond of of a very old bourbon brand, Starkiller Bourbon. Mayhaps you have heard of it?’”

“Starkiller Bourbon?” I ask Fluttershy, because she just gave a very loud, for her anyway, gasp of recognition.

“That is really old bourbon,” she explains, “most of it was made prior to Unification! It’s ancient.”

“Well, Lady Luna is pretty darn old,” I comment, “not that she looks it. I wonder why she mentioned it.”

“Who knows,” Flutters said, “maybe it was a hint for something?”

“Oh, man,” I exclaim, “I wonder if she’s gone all Dumbledore on me! She may have just given me a password for someplace she likes to go to.”

“Oh,” My Butterfly says, “that is interesting. Wherever could she have such a place?”

“Don’t know,” I answer, “but it’s worth sending her a letter just to ask. I just hope she doesn’t think I can get a bottle of the stuff. I’m pretty sure neither Berryshine or her sister, Cherryberry, have any of that stuff around.”

“I would hope not,” Fluttershy tells me, “that is some really strong alcohol. I think it was banned in most Earth pony cities because it would knock out more ponies than a street brawl! I don’t even think many Pegasi today could drink without serious consequences. It’s more alcohol than anything that exists right now!”

“Whoa,” I murmur, “so, there’s a good chance Berryshine doesn’t have it. Good to know.”

My letter to the editor found it’s way in the pages of every newspaper in Equestria three days after a wrote. In the two weeks since, I’ve been trading barbs with my ink-and-paper opponent in the op-ed pages. If this is Prince Blueblood, then I can assume he’s using his considerable wealth to keep his views alive and well in the court of public opinion. Mind you, it hasn’t help him much.

Shortly before the back-and-forth diatribes started, I held a press conference at the Ponyville city hall. I had every major news organization in Equestria out there and I explained who I was, how I got here, and what I was doing or planned to do. I made it very clear that I while I was in a relationship with some residents of Ponyville, it was likely that Fluttershy and Applejack (neither of which I mentioned by name) were the only mares to enter my herd and would likely stay that way.

Oh, Lady Luna and I are friends now, I should really mention that. I wrote her back almost immediately after I got her letter. I sent back with Derpy when next I saw her. I think the happy rebel yell I heard that day was Moon Princess’ shout of joy. In any case, we’ve been writing letters back and forth. It’s the first time in a long while that I’ve had a pen pal; I never thought I’d have a leader of a nation writing me, but I’m not complaining. We share some rather ribald jokes at the expense of the Canterlot Elite!

My bit of public relations genius threw whatever plan Blue Balls had out the window. He did his best to salvage it, but by then it was already too late. During our exchanges, he resorted to smearing my name and ran rampant with all manner of libel against me. This didn’t work out well for him; there were a number of ponies present during the Riot of Ponyville that thought fondly of me while I handled the human horde. Very few ponies gave anything resembling negative comments about me.

Some of the more outlandish rumors he started where immediately debunked by honest reporters. I thank The Maker Equestria hasn’t developed the Internet yet; maintaining a pleasant reputation in the Interwebs is like putting lightning in a bottle and twice as hard besides. Even so, Blue Balls opened up with the first salvo and he should know by now that calling me out like that was a declaration of war. And of course, with a friend like Lady Luna backing me up, it was only a matter time before he either backed down or crossed a line.

Well, he crossed that line one Monday morning. He showed up, at the Wolf Den, full guard (not the Solar guard Lady Celestia has; they appeared to be mercenaries) and a smattering of photojournalists were on hand as he challenged me. At first, I thought he was planning on dueling me, because that seemed like the Prince’s style. Instead, he dared me to play him in a game of poker. I’ve said before that I’m not the best gambler in the Universe and I was sure Blue Balls would have the odds stacked in his favor. Still, I accepted his challenge with no reservations.

He listed some terms and conditions for the game: first and foremost, the match would be held in Canterlot Casino. I was good with that point. Then he made it clear that we were having this little tournament a week from now. I guess he figured that I wouldn’t be ready in a week. I agreed, but I made myself sound more nervous than I really was. Lastly, he put in a stipulation about pot limit or a lack thereof. Now that one had me generally concerned. I agree to it, although I knew he could utterly bankrupt me on a single hand.

In the week before the game, I spent a good lot of time with Ponyville’s resident poker champs. There were quite a few actually, including Big Mac. He showed some tricks to pull in a heated round of betting, showed how to pull a perfect poker face (the stallion has that mastered, which I found strange coming from the brother of the Element of Honesty) and helped me learn how the Equestrian version of Texas Hold ‘Em works. I was gonna need a lot of work to match or beat Blue Balls. Twilight informed me he is the top cardsharp in Canterlot, so besting him is about skill as much as luck.

Even with Blueblood’s home field advantage, I did have one ace up my sleeve. During my training sessions with Big Mac, The Voices in My Head told me about a spell that channel Fortune for me. Called Equity, the spell would alter the Balance in my favor. Knowing what I do about my magic and the kind practiced by unicorns, I’m pretty sure Blue Balls wouldn't know this spell was in effect until it was too late. Given my magic trumps Equestrian Magic, I don’t think any security measures he had in place would notice it. He already had the deck stacked against me, so I saw it as only fair to disabuse him of the notion.

Since the game was happening in Canterlot, I figured I should make a showing there and inspect the premises. Canterlot Casino was on the ritzy side of town, a part of the city I had never been to. Sure enough, when AJ, Flutters, and myself arrive at the Casino, it’s about the most unabashed tribute to privilege and excess I can imagine. We walk in and are given the grand tour by the floor boss and owner, Aces High. She tells us about the grand history of the place, shows us the floor, gives complimentary drinks (I ask for something non-alcoholic), and we get shown the changing tables, where various currencies from nations all about are turned into chips backed by bits.

The next day, Fluttershy and I toured parts of Canterlot we haven’t seen yet. Applejack had to return home to oversee the farm work. She trusted Big Mac to do his, but Apple Bloom was another story. Even so, I took a lot of photo’s with my phone so Jackie could see what she missed. We even got some passes to an auction, courtesy of Lady Luna. We didn't get anything, but it was kinda fun to see all these hoity toity types getting one more ridiculous thing after another. We ended up staying in a private suite in Canterlot’s answer to the Hilton, Canterlot Inn.

The day of tournament finally arrived and I was nervous as fuck! This was supposed to be a friendly game, but when have Blueblood and I ever been really friends? Still, I had Fluttershy with me, I had Equity ready to go. All I needed now was a fat stack of cash. I didn’t know if Blue Balls would stake me any; I highly doubt he would. So imagine my surprise when no less than Princess Luna arrives to greet us at the foyer of the Canterlot Inn!

“Sir Steven, Ms. Fluttershy, huzzah!” The Lunar Princess greets, “how wonderful to see you here!”

“Lady Luna,” I bow, “a pleasant surprise to see you here and in the daylight no less.”

“What daylight remains, that is,” the Night Princess reminded me, “there’s only four more hours before My Moon rises again.”

“Too true,” I reply, “so, what we do owe the pleasure of your company?”

“I came here to support my friend,” Lady Luna answers, “especially in matters of finance. I know My Nephew well enough to see that he would draw you here. I also know that he is a high stakes gambler. I have seen him play; not only is he good, but he is used to playing in multimillion bit pots. You will need a sizable stake just play against him.”

“I kinda figured that,” I say, “in a way he’s like the character Hatchet Harry; he plays for high stakes and is good at making sure his game is tilted to the house. I wouldn’t worry, Lady Luna, I got his number good.”

“I am unsure of this ‘Hatchet Harry’ you speak of,” the Night Princess replies, “but I do find that blueblood does favor much manipulation whilst he plays. I would expect him to raise the stakes until you are utterly broke before he brings the hammer down. I suspect he intends to drive you out of Equestria.”

“That he has,” Fluttershy confirms, “he wants Stevie gone! Oh, Stevie, I can’t imagine what will happen to you if you get sent to the Dragon Pridelands or are sent packing to The Griffon Kingdoms.”

“It’s not gonna come to that,” I assure My butterfly, “Blueblood doesn’t know who he’s dealing with.”

“That is good to know,” Lady Luna tells us, “which is why I will personally watch for any skullduggery on the part of mine nephew. I will also vouch for you, Sir Steven the sum of ten million bits to play.”

I am stunned, “Ten- ten m-m-million bits?! Are you serious?!”

Lady Luna nods, “You are my friend, Sir Steven. if mine nephew were to send you away- I-I would be lonely, again.”

“Okay,” I murmur, “then I can’t possibly lose.”

A smile graces Fluttershy and Lady Luna’s muzzles. My Butterfly wraps my in a hug; she doesn’t brush away the Night Princess when she joins in. The hug breaks up with a few sniffed back tears. Luna then directs us to a carriage drawn by several of her Night Guards. It’s about the only time I’ve ever really seen them, so the sight of them is kinda unnerving.

“I would not worry about my ‘ledrfladdr’ corps,” Luna assures me, “they may look fearsome, but they are kind hearted. I can assure they do not bite. Much.”

“You’re kidding, right?” I ask.

“Of course,” Luna laughs, “they are herbivores, like unto myself, although that is in the absence of their preferred prey. They naturally insectivores.”

“Oh, like bats,” I reply, earning a nod from the Night Princess.

I look to Fluttershy and see she has no reservations about these bat ponies. That actually helps ease me into trusting them. Even despite the fanged smile I get from them as I step into the carriage, I feel strangely at ease with these ponies. Luna gives the word and instead flying in the air towards the casino, we’re flying to the streets.

“Ms. Shywing informs me,” Luna explains, “that you are an acrophobe. She told me your last flight to Canterlot really did a number on you. Trust me, Sir Steven, the only flying we shall be doing is via speed.”

I nod, not trusting myself to speak at the velocity we’re traveling now. Given how quickly these ledrfladdr run, it doesn’t take us much time to get to the casino. I’m surprised we haven’t broken to Mach 4, given that these bat ponies are amazingly fast. They’d give Rainbow Dash a run for her money! Luna is the first to disembark, then Fluttershy, and myself. The casino is as large as ever, but the crowd is new. There are plenty of reporters, cameras, and leading the pack of jackals, Prince Blueblood, surrounded by cronies plus assorted hangers-on. What I find strange about this scene is a pony I recognize from Ponyville, Red Tape. He’s a stallion working for Mayor Mare and very officious bureaucrat if I ever saw one. Wonder what he’s doing here?

“Ah, yes, IT has arrived,” Blue Balls drawls, “so nice of you to- Aunty Luna, what are you doing here?”

“Mine nephew,” Luna says with a slight growl, “We- I am here as moral and financial support for mine friend.”

“Financial support?” Blueblood asks, “You mean to tell me that you’re backing The Orangutan?!”

“Yea, verily,” Lady Luna proudly declares, “I am.”

“Fine,” Blue Balls huffs, then with a sneer he says, “we’re in the back room. It’s where the really high stakes games are played.”

Along the way, Blueblood explains the rules. It’s just like the Texas Hold ‘Em I played at home, but because we’re dealing with Equestrian playing cards, the names of cards, and only the cards, are different. He makes it abundantly clear that I lose at any point in the night, I’m to pack my bags and leave Equestria, permanently. He then asks what he’s to do if I win. I don’t bother to answer; no doubt, he’ll think it’s an outrageous condition and not play. And I want him to play!

We get seated in one of the backrooms of The Canterlot Casino. It’s very posh, if the ivory and pink marble game table is any indication. Fluttershy and Lady Luna get seats behind mine; Luna asks for the stake she set aside from me in a low whisper to Aces High. She disappears for a few moments before coming back with a rollaway topped with a veritable mountain of bits. Everypony save Blueblood and one other stallion was slack jawed at the fortune laid aside for me. I did find it curious that Red Tape was seated behind Blueblood. The little bureaucrat was speaking to him in low whispers. Yeah, this can’t be good.

“For all in attendance,” Blueblood announces, “my good friend, Red Tape here, will be keeping official tabs on the nights proceedings. Just like my Catch Them spell will ensure fair play, Red Tape is well versed in all the rules of poker and will be enforcing them, with prejudice.”

Our friendly game starts out in earnest. A few hands pass between myself and Bluebloods hoof picked syncophants. I cast Equity just as the game began and it seems to be working. Blueblood had made a special notice about how he had cast a cheat detection spell around the table, so cards up sleeves and spells were supposed to be out of play. All of the other players at the table were unicorns, so I would assume some of these fine stallions had some rather nifty poker-based spells they could cast, judging by their cutie marks. Thus far, I don’t think it’s picked up my own little cheat; time will tell if it does.

The first twenty hands or so were decidedly friendly. I hadn’t lost but neither did I win anything big. I’d take a few decent pots and I would never lose anything significant. Equity was telling me the odds that an opponent had of certain hands; it was working like gangbusters. I would fold when it told me that the other players hands were too good and I would play out any hand I knew was enough to take somepony down. I never lost, which as part of the house rules for this game were concerned, was enough to keep me not only in the game but in Equestria.

One by one, the other players at the table dwindled until it was just Blueblood and myself. The pots had been steadily increasing over the course of the night. Luna had since risen the moon; according to her, it was now well past midnight. Both Blue Balls and myself had a sizable amount of chips on our sides of the table. Just by the look of him, The Prince was out for blood. I was really hoping he would, so I can show him just far he had to fall.

Aces gathered up the cards for one last hand. She shuffled them and dealt our hole cards. She then dealt out the flop and took the first round of betting. We batted calls and raises back and forth for nearly an hour. Blueblood wanted me to be completely destitute by the time this hand was over. I think he might be surprised by how things were going to turn out. My whole cards were a Princess and Knight in Hearts; there was a Harlequin of Hearts in the flop and Equity was telling me Blueblood best hand was a full house.

We had bet most of our current holdings when Aces called for the end of betting. She burnt the top card on her deck and dealt the River. Again, my hand was stronger; Equity told me so. The River was Knave of Hearts. All I needed now was the Twelve of Hearts for a straight flush. Mind you, Equestrian poker has more colors than human poker. While human cards where in red and black, Equestrian decks have Salmon, Leaf, Sapphire, and Gamboge. If I were to get one more Salmon colored heart card, I declare an honest flush. If said card was the Twelve of Hearts in Salmon- I wasn’t going to jinx it. That would just make things worse.

Another round of betting, with Blueblood and I pouring the entirety of our winnings into the pot. Another burn card and Aces dropped the Turn. My heart stopped. I had it, a royal flush! Princess, Knight, Knave, Harlequin, and the Twelve of Hearts in Salmon. Equity reported that Blue Balls had a four of a kind now, Deuces in all four colors. (A rainbow array, in Equestrian Poker parlance.) I had the Prince by the balls, just one last round of bets to place.

“I raise,” the Prince sneered, “against everything you have, hooman.”

“I call,” I sneered back, “are you declaring?”

“Of course,” my pony opponent said smugly, “read them and weep!”

The crowd around the table gasped at Rainbow Array Four of a Kind. It was considered an unbeatable hand. Big Mac told me that some of the largest pots in all of Equestria were won on such a hand. It wasn’t the strongest hand in that mode; if he had all of single hue, he might be able to put up a challenge. The smarmy grin on his face grew as he watched me, the horror struck look I put in place masking my own triumph.

“You are beaten,” Blueblood pronounced, “I expect to you leave in forty-eight hours. Now, if you’ll indulge my curiosity, what would you have me do if you had won?”

“I would have you donate the entirety of your personal fortune to various charities across the kingdom,” I announce, “Lord only knows I don’t need that kinda cash.”

Blueblood nods, his sneer never leaving his face, “Well played. I would never have come if those were the stakes I had to contend with. Now declare your cards!”

I declared them alright…! Aces High called them out as I dropped my whole cards on the table.

“Oh my Faust!” She gasped, “Princess, Knight, Knave, Harlequin, and Twelve of Hearts… In Salmon!”

The crowd had gone breathless and Prince Blueblood lost all color in his cheeks. Given that he wore an alabaster coat, it was kinda hard to tell, but his pupils turning to pinpricks was indication enough. He stammered over words that were not forthcoming.

“Read ‘em and weep, boy,” I declaimed, “Royal. Fucking. Flush.”

And then Blueblood passed right out.

News gets around fast in Equestria. Within a day of Blueblood’s most devastating defeat, the news rags had his mug and his embarrassing fall from grace in print. When I recount the story later to my Ponyville friends, they all laugh at his reaction. He did exactly what I thought he’d do, although he didn’t have a heart attack like Hatchet Harry did. I don’t honestly wish any harm on him, but the schmuck needed an attitude adjustment; I was just the stallion to take him down a peg.

Of course, the disgraced and now penniless fool tried to declare the results of the match void. He declared I was cheating in some way. He was right, mind you. I told him myself what I’d done. Even after a thorough examination of the room and the table as well as the players (including myself) the Canterlot games commission couldn’t find anything. When I confided in Princess Luna about this, she snickered. Maybe she had a vested interest in seeing Blue Balls lose, too. In any case, I didn't leave him completely destitute. Of the quarter billion bits I won off his hooves, I gave him back a thousand.

I was told that was all the money Stinkin’ Rich had on him when he founded Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. I’m more than sure Blue Balls will be able to make something from that. Fluttershy was just happy I didn’t have to leave Equestria. Applejack, on the other hand, wasn’t too enthused about my cheat. She was a little proud that I told Blue Balls about what I did but she isn’t very enthused about me swindling him like that. The only comfort for her was that I didn’t keep the noble’s money. Some very precocious orphans are going to have a very good Hearth’s Warming Eve this year.

In this chapter, Prince Blueblood and Steve have a falling out. Which leads to a card game. And somepony is going home with just the clothes on their back, if they're lucky…

The inspiration for Prince blueblood as cardsharp comes from Dreams of Flying and Dreams of Falling, both by Llyander. The character of Red Tape comes from the story Applejack's bar written by Alaborn. I hope you all enjoy!