From the daily journal of Steven Ambrose, Entry Number Nine:

Sleep didn't happen for me last night. I was in bed around ten o'clock, much earlier than I usually do, and after about three hours of staring at my darkened ceiling, I gave up completely. I've fits of insomnia before, but never to this degree. Last time this happened, I woke up in the middle of the night, went to the bathroom for a little relief and spent the next three hours before dawn in a state of total awareness. I wasn't really asleep, neither was I fully awake. I was just kinda there; when morning sun broke, I was half past dead.

Last night- Man, it was torture. I kept seeing those people I cut down. (Hand That Mourns here. For your information, neuropathy weapons do not "cut" organic flesh. They sever connectivity between major nerves in the body, i.e.: the spinal cord and the brain stem. This typically causes the heart to fail and the brain to die from lack of oxygen.) Thanks, Hand, I didn't think anyone really wanted to know that. (You are welcome. (Not HELPING!)) Stupid holographic ghost… Can't even recognize sarcasm when she reads it…

(Hand again. I recognize your particular brand of sarcasm rather well. I choose to ignore it and play up my archived social niceties. It is far less aggravating than dealing with your cultural kudzu.)

Thank you, Hand! Anyway, because the arcade was wrecked half to shit, I'm getting a few days off. Also, I'm pretty sure my boss, Midway, is scared shitless of me right now. He could have used my hands to make the repairs go a lot faster, but I think he wants to be sure I don't go on another homicidal rampage. He should consider it lucky that I didn't get my hands back on the Siggie. If I had, there would have been a lot more blood…

Man, it is too early in the morning for this shit. I need a large can of Monster now. Hey, Hand, any chance of getting some of the molecular replication tech to make me sixty-four ounces of caffeinated goodness? (It is possible, but I would need the formula for such a beverage.) Yeah, sorry, the last time I had a Monster was back home. I didn't exactly save the can. (Maybe I can replicate some old Imperial Brew and see if that is to your taste?) Yeah, okay. Gonna grab a shower now. Maybe that will keep me awake…

Argh! God… This Imperial Brew is all kinds of wrong! It tastes a little like strained gym socks mixed with flop sweat and urine. I am NEVER drinking this slop again. I definitely don't need to regurgitate my breakfast for the last week… Might be better if I get some hot cocoa from Sugarcube Corner. Who knows, maybe Pinkie is on station again?

The town is looking pretty good considering that the there was a riot not two days ago. Most of the damage has been repaired, the roads are even again,a nd ot a sign of human markings anywhere! Those idiots kept painting the Proletariat tag everywhere they went. (And more than a few of them decided to defecate and/or urinate on public AND private property!) I'm still getting some dire looks from ponies around town, but that should ease off eventually. (Hopefully…) Hmm, I can smell the cinnamon and peppermint coming from Sugarcube! My stomach is all rumbly now… (Heh-heh, I worked in a Winnie The Pooh reference there.)

And there it is, my second home! The gingerbread and cupcake decorated shop where the majority of my foodstuffs come from! (Yes, I'm sugar addict. No, I couldn't care less what you think. And no, I don't need help, thankyouverymuch.) Already I can tell that Mr. and Mrs. Cake are busy bees, even this early in the morning. Let's just see how busy…

Through the door, over the threshold, and WHOA, WHAT IN THE FUCK?! Was that Pinkie Pie? Holy shit, was she moving! It's wonder she doesn't compete and ArDee more often. Whoa… (Obligatory Matrix reference here.) This place is packed! I can hardly move in here, what with all the ponies packed in this place. I can barely stand in the S.C.C. as it is, but today, I can barely move. I swear, just by stepping in the door, I've almost knocked over three mares and six stallions waiting in line.

The crowd is hardly moving. Traffic inside of the Ess See See is so dense, it's wonder the heat gradient hasn't gone up. Then again, ponies are smaller than humans, and even smaller than terrestrial ponies, so I bet the warm won't get so high as to be intolerable. At least not until twice the current number storm the shop… Maybe I should wait until the place is less busy. (If I can stay awake that long.) Of course, it would help if I could move more than two feet. It is so crowded in here…

"Oh, hi there, Steve!"

I know that voice anywhere… "Hey there, Pinks!"

"Kinda busy this morning, isn't it?" Pinkie asks.

"More like hectic," I answer, "never seen the shop so popular before. What is going on?"

"Didn't you see the sign outside?" Pinkie akss.

There was a sign, but my Written Equestrian is still questionable.

"There was a sign, but not in English, Pinks."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot! You can't read Equestrian yet." Pinkie grouses, "Anyways, there's a two for one sale on all specialty cakes, cupcakes, brownies, and swets. I guess everypony wants theres before we run out."

"Fat chance of that happening, though, right?" I say, "Between you and Mr. Cake, this shop will have baked goods until Sol dies out!"

Pinkie giggles, "Of course, silly! So, are you gonna get something?"

"I was hoping Mr. Cake had any lemon treacles today," I answer, "and maybe a large cup of hot cocoa to go."

"Yeah, caffeine!" Pinkie ejaculates, "Caffeine is the best! Are you sure you don't want any coffee?"

"Nah," I tell her, "A.) I haven't had coffee in years, B.) it's against my religion and C.) judging by how fast you've rushing around, I bet the coffee you serve is gonna give me nervous jitters for days on end."

"Oh, I don't drink the coffee," Pinkie says, "that's just me!"

"Then I'd hate to see what you'd be like on coffee," I reply, "I wonder who I gotta kill to get a table."

That was an unfortunate choice of words for around here just now. Every single pony, including the Cakes, stop dead. There are now no less than sixty pairs of eyes staring at me. Awkward! I better say something quick before panic sets out…

"Sorry, everypony," I announce, "noponies dyin' today. Just a figure of expression."

A collective sigh of relief and things return to [relative] normal.

"Note to self," I muse," ponies take everything literally. Must stop to think about what I'm saying before saying it."

"I'm ALWAYS doing that," Pinkie says, "I have so many mental notes, that it takes up a whole filing cabinet in my mental office."

"Always with the non sequitur, eh, Pinkie?"

The Pink Party Pony shrugs and bounces away to greet more customers as the cue I'm standing in files further up. I don't think I can blame her on the nonsense she sometimes spews. I've worked my share of retail jobs, with misleading job titles to match, and the only way to stay relatively sane in those professions is to be a little crazy yourself. And Pinkie is crazy by half! Ah, finally, I'm at the front of the cue.

"Hey there, Steve!" greets Mr. Cake, "Got a hankerin' for somethin'?"

"Oh, yeah, I do!" I rejoinder, "One half dozen of your lemon treacle tarts and a large cup of hot cocoa, if you please."

"You must be psychic," Mr. Cake says in reply, "I only got six of them left!"

"Psychic or lucky," I say, "in either case, gimme!"

Mr. Cake is quick in getting my treacle in a box, and Mrs. Cake is just as fast in getting a cardboard cup filled tot he brim with cocoa goodness. I'm practically drooling over here…

"That'll be fifteen bits," Mr. Cake says, "No discount for you."

"Don't worry," I tell him, as I dig in my pockets and find my last fifteen bits, "I got 'em."

Once my bits are in his hooves, the earth pony throws in them in a till and with a jingling bell, the transaction is done.

"Have a good day!" he calls out.

"Don't you mean, 'ya'll come back now, ya here?'"

Both of the Cakes laugh at my joke. I'm now jostling for position at a table. Jesus, it's crowded in here! For every step I take, at least three new ponies arrive to take up what little room remains of the Ess See See floor. Oh, this is ridiculous! There aren't any empty tables! It's not even seven in the morning yet!! I haven't nearly enough caffeine for this shit… Oh, wait, there's a table! Oops, spoke too soon.

Sidling into the benches of the lone empty table are Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom. I haven't met the Cutie Mark Crusaders as a whole. I've seen Apple Bloom around Ess Ay Ay from time to time. Sweetie Belle is at the Carousel every time I've been to see Rarity about some new outfit. Scootaloo… She's occasionally with Ar Dee, but I've been actively avoided the prismatic weather Pegasus for some time now. Now that Flutters and I have hooked up, it just makes it harder to get away from Ar Dee with my ass on straight. Well, might as well bite the bullet…

I stroll, as evenly as I can with the throng milling about, towards the See Em See. They haven't noticed me yet, so I make a big an attempt at clearing my throat as possible. Given the din, it's a wonder that they can hear me. Scoots does, but when she turns to face me, she gives me look most dour. If I didn't know any better, I'd see she loathes my presence.

"Hello, girls," I say, trying to sound pleasant, "can I cop a seat?"

Apple Bloom answers much to Scootaloo's protesting glare, "Sure, Steve, set a spell."

Bloom has been more or less enamored by me since I complimented her on the job with my flat. That notwithstanding, I sidle into the booth. I barely fit, even though I've gotten slim as a rail. Thankfully, the three fillies in the booth with me are small enough that I don't crush them with my bipedal form.

"So, what are you up to, today?" I query.

"We're doing some crusading today," Sweetie Belle answers, "we haven't tried spe-lunk-ing before, so we're heading out to the White Tail Woods to explore. There's a cave there that looks interesting!"

"Imma tellin' ya, Sweetie, caves ain't the best ider." Bloom chides.

"Oh, please, Bloom," Scootaloo retorts, "you go through one frightening cave and it sets against them for life! Come on!! The cave in White Tail isn't very deep from what I heard; we can be in and out of it by this afternoon!"

Apple Bloom visibly lightens, telling me that she is dead set against this idea. Wonder what's got her so scared? From what I know of Apple Bloom, she's hardly afraid of anything, not unlike her big sister.

"Trust me, Scoots," Bloom fires back, "you weren't there. We're talkin' about the SCARIEST CAVE IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA. They donna call it that for nothin'."

"Who da wha now?" I say, nonplussed.

"Well…" Bloom starts, but ti's Sweetie Belle who finishes, "It seems Pinkie Pie may be related to Applejack. In order to prove it, The Apple Family went on a road trip, with Pinkie in tow, and during their travels, they inadvertin- inad- accidentally went into a very scary cave."

Apple Bloom corrects her friend, "The Scariest Cave in All of Equestria!"

"Okay, okay, we get!" Scootaloo interjects, "Scary cave, Bloom is a scaredy pony. Can we get a move on please?"

"I am NOT a scaredy pony!" Bloom shoots back.

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"ARE NOT!!"

I gotta quell this argument before it gets out of control.

"Ladies, ladies, LADIES!" I interrupt, "Bickering like this is no good for anypony. Trust me, everyone I've ever known is scared of something."

"Oh, yeah?" Scootaloo challenges, "What are YOU afraid of?"

I reply, "Heights; I am deathly afraid of getting higher than three feet off the ground."

Scootaloo tries to hide a snicker, but Sweetie belle nudges the orange coated filly with a fetlock. Scoots laughter is quelled immediately.

"Don't laugh," Sweetie warns, "not everypony can be fearless like you."

Scoots scoffs, but I rejoinder Sweetie's statement.

"Anyone who claims to be absolutely fearless is both a braggart and a liar. True words."

Bloom and Sweetie nod, but Scootaloo looks mutinous. What bee's in her bonnet?

"ANYWAY, I thought you fillies had school today?"

"We did, but it was canceled," answers Sweetie, "the hoomans wrecked the schoolhouse. It's gonna be a few days before it's fully repaired."

Taking a sip of my hot cocoa, I nod.

"Good thing ya took care o' 'em, huh, Steve?" Bloom- blooms.

"Guess so," I reply, "if I hadn't, who knows what they would have done."

"Would they've…" begins Sweetie Belle, but I already know what she planned on asking.

"Given a halfway decent chance, yeah, I think could've."

Three bodies shiver at the thought.

"So, no classes today, eh? Kinda like a snow day?" I inquire.

"Kinda," Scoots replies.

"I wonder what a cutie mark in spe-lunk-ing looks like?" Sweetie belle ponders.

"Probably a hard hat and flashlight," I answer flippantly, "by the way, why exactly are these 'cutie marks' so important."

I just had to ask. The trio of fillies start at once, filling me in one of the biggest of mysteries in all of Equestria. I'm informed of what a cutie mark is for, why everypony has one and why they need theirs, as soon as possible. I AM OVERWHELMED.

"Wow," I stammer, "they must be the single most important thing to acquire for a young pony."

I get three nods from my filly companions.

"How could you not know what cutie marks are?" Scootaloo asks.

"Humans don't get 'cutie marks.' Unless you count tattoos and getting one of those is painful, from what I've heard."

"Do you really think that you can get a cutie mark for doing risky, painful, and possibly dangerous stunts?"

"Why couldn't we?" Scootaloo answers.

I think on this for a minute, nursing my now lukewarm cocoa.

"Okay, tell me something," I ask, "just what are you fillies good at?"

All I get are bank stares, like the question is impossible to answer.

"Come on now," I say, "there's gotta be something each of you can do that is better than anyone else at school, no?"

"Well…" Sweetie belle starts.

"I've been doin' these potion with Zecora," Bloom states, "I'm gettin' pretty good."

"Okay, that's a start." I say.

"I can really fly with my scooter." Scootaloo enjoins.

I reply, "That's not really what I was talking about."

"Oh," Scootaloo replies, dejectedly, "Uh, well, I can- uh- I can dance, a little."

"That's better," I reply, "what about you, Sweets?"

Sweetie stammers, "I- I, uh-"

"Come on, Sweetie belle, you must be able to do something…" I encourage.

"Yeah, besides mass carnage in your sisters work room!"

"Scootaloo!" seethes Bloom.

"Pay no attention to the winged idiot," I say, "what is that you are really good at, Sweets?"

"I- I- I-, uh-"

I nod, letting her know nothing she says will be embarrassing. It's not Sweetie that answers me, though.

"She can sing," Bloom interjects, "she's gotta awesome voice. Done know why she doesn't use it more often."

"Because it's mortifying!" Sweetie Belle whispers vehemently, "pay the farm pony no mind-"

"Okay, now you got my curiosity piqued," I tell them "I would definitely love to see what you all can do."

The See Em See is less than thrilled about this prospect; I can see it in their forlorn faces. Oh, I got an idea!

"I'll tell you what," I say, "meet me at your clubhouse in an hour. I got a plan that is way better than anything you guys have got."

"Sure of that, are we?" Scootaloo challenges again.

"Two hundred and fifty percent sure." I reply.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse sits in a tree at the far end of Sweet Apple Acres. The tree isn't all that big, but the clubhouse itself is too small for me to enter. In order for me to look inside, I have to stand at a window. I'm the first to arrive, though, so I can ponder the furnishing inside the little tree house with abandon. The tree house comes with all the standard accoutrements of childhood. There's a recliner inside, several maps and illustrations adorn the walls, there are curtains on the windows, and I see a corner of the clubhouse dedicated to every reasonably intelligent beings sport, thinking. (Some thinking spots I've seen include a toilet or commode… appropriately furnished with lewd magazines or periodicals of the day.) Ah, here they come! Even better, Scootaloo has brought with her a little red wagon! Perfect for what I have in store for them all.

"Yer here!" Apple Bloom exclaims.

"But of course," I tell her, ruffling her mane as walks near, "why wouldn't I?"

"Maybe you have something ELSE that needs attending?" barbs Scootaloo.

"Nothing at the present," I tell her, "so you're stuck with me for the now."

"So," Sweetie belle starts nervously, "what exactly are we doing?"

"I think you're gonna like thi-"

"Well, well, what do you have here?" says a condescending voice.

"Was is das?" I muse.

From behind a copse of trees saunter two fillies. Both have cutie marks on their flanks and the one closest to us is pale magenta with a two toned mane of light violet and white; her cutie mark is a tiara. The silver filly behind her bears a silver spoon as a cutie mark, which matches her coat, and the mane on this one is grey and blue-grey. She also has a string of pearls around her neck and a pair of hipster glasses across the bridge of her muzzle. Both wear leary grins and I feel malice coming from both.

"I say we have a trio of losers," says the spoony brat, "and an ugly monkey thing."

"Monkey? Seriosuly? That's the best you can come up with?" I pepper.

Both fillies looked alarmed by my ability for speech.

"Rgghh," growls Apple Bloom, "Whadda you want, Diamond Tiara?"

"Oh, I was in the neighborhood," Tiara states nonchalantly, "when I just so happen to see this thing leaning on your, eh-heh, 'clubhouse.'"

The silvery filly besides Tiara nods.

Diamond Tiara continues, "I though, 'What is that hideous thing doing there? Is he going to try to eat those blank-flanks? I wonder if I could sell tickets for an event like that…'"

"Pretty self assured of yourself, ain't ya?" I growl.

The circlet wearing filly ignores me, "So I dropped by hoping to see something interesting. I guess I asking for too much…"

"Out of our way, you two," Scootaloo demands, "we have some crusading to do!"

"Oh, please," the silver filly speaks, "like anything you three are doing can really get you your cutie marks."

"Hold on now," I utter, "what is ya'll's problem, anyway?I don;t think I've heard of these three ever giving a hassle."

"Oh," Diamond muses, "it's not what problem they have with us. It's more like, they have a problem being proper ponies."

Okay, that tears it.

"Oh, really," I say, "so, for want of a cutie mark, these three upstanding fillies deserve your ire?"

"Well, duh," Diamond says, "you aren't really a pony until you get your cutie mark."

"Okay, then," I challenge, crouching down so I'm near eye level with the two bullying fillies, "first thing you should know: I don't like bullies. Second thing you should know: I'm a hella lot smarter than you. The third thing you should know: if you bully me friends, you will get hurt!"

I see both fillies cringe back in fear. Some of my exploits during the flash mob are still on their minds… I stand up, letting them see just how big I really am.

I continue, "Fourth thing you should know: I'm bigger and stronger than you. Fifth thing you should know: if you plan on being a bully, be prepared to face bigger and badder bullies."

"W-what does that m-matter?" Diamond stammers.

"It matters," I say, "because fools like you don't know when to stop. This is your first, and final, warning: leave these three fillies alone, or I will make your lives a living hell. I'm not talking Tartarus or whatever; I'm talking stringing ya up, beating you to within an inch of your life, and then spraying you down with a salt-and-lemon-juice to add insult and injury."

Oh, the look in Diamond's and Silver's eyes! Priceless…

Before setting out for the See Em See's clubhouse, I asked Hand That Mourns for a quick favor. After a brief transport to the Royal Sister's Castle and setting up some things, I transported back to my flat. The gear I requested was like nothing Hand had seen before, but well within the manufacturing capabilities of her replicators.

The first one was a camo-wall. Think it like a deer blind: it's a wall that you can hide behind. The difference between that and some of the camouflage I've seen back home is that the camo wall bends light to make the it invisible or reflect the local environment adjacent. Think of it as Predator-flague. The second one is something I didn't think was humanly possible, but it was the catalog that Hand showed me: sensory stimulus blockers. These are like a portable sensory deprivation chamber. The major difference is that you can tailor it to what senses you want diminished. (I could have used one of these that one time my friends dragged me to the Republican National Convention. Wouldn't have minded not being to see, hear, or smell the convention.)

After dispatching the Gruesome Twosome, as I like to think of them, I gathered the three fillies into Scootaloo's wagon. I had each of them put on a stim-blocker, telling them it is was something like a blindfold. It wasn't entirely the truth, but it was true in some regards. With their senses totally blocked, I gathered them into the wagon and carted them to town. They couldn't see where I was going which was part of my plan. I was going to use the camo wall to block out the view of where we really were and hope that by demonstrating the special skills in public, they might earn their cutie marks at last. With my target in sight, I stopped the wagon, set up the wall, and deactivated certain of the fillies senses.

For Scootaloo, I unlocked her sense of touch, her sense of balance (yes, the stim blockers can block that), and her sense of hearing. For Sweetie Belle, I reactivated her sense of hearing, touch, and sight. (I didn't want her to smell or taste whatever scents were in the air.) Applebloom had all her senses but limited her sight to a tunnel vision version of it's former glory. With that all established, I set the girls to task.

I tweaked Scoots hearing a tad so she could my voice fine, but all others as music. When I told her about "this great new song" that was playing, she immediately started to dance to it. I know these fillies are cute as the Dickens, but when Scoots starting getting into the rhythm, damn! Sweetie hearing was similarly tweaked, but all other voices but mine were of a symphony playing. I let her know that I took her to a nearby concert hall and the sounds she was hearing were of the musicians music piped into a private, sound proof room just offstage. She took off with a song right quick; I was I awe of just how beautiful her young voice sounded. Applebloom's settings, save her sight, were untouched. I showed her to make gunpowder, from what limited knowledge I posses of the chemical, and she set right to work. Not only did she make the gunpowder flawlessly, I'm pretty sure the rocket went sent high over Ponyville got it's fair share of adulation.

None of the fillies were aware of where they were and the camo wall kept them blissfully unaware that they were no longer at Sweet Apple Acres. I eventually dropped the camo wall, so as to allow the crowd gathering a preview of what they could only guess it. Gradually, I dropped the blockers power, letting the three fillies regain the totally of the their senses. Oh, what did you know, they were so caught up in their own thing, they hardly noticed the crowd as they began clapping.

That is until Sweetie Belle stopped singing to admire the glowing, heart shaped, quarter note brand that magically appeared on her flank. Scoots stopped dancing to notice her unicorn friend's surprise before she, too, noticed her feathery cutie mark on here flank. Applebloom was the most shocked, and her her surprise highly audible, when the blooming apple flower appeared on her flank. They might have been pissed at me for deceiving them like I did, but it worked out well for all parties.

I got tackled by three cute fillies, smiles miles wide on their faces, as they thanked my for the assistance. Scootaloo, who told me in the confidence of the moment, that she was mad at me for rebuffing her adopted sister Ar Dee, was now highly forgiving for choosing another Pegasus instead of her mentor. I bet when these fillies get home, their families are gonna celebrating their daughters coming of age. I know I will!

Steve gets a playdate with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Not every one of them thinks he's cool. But after a certain crusade actually goes well, that certain filly may have to reconsider the way she thinks about our wayward human. By the by, this chapter happens shortly after Flight to the Finish (SE4, EP5) but before Power Ponies (SE4, EP6). I make a reference to THE SCARIEST CAVE IN EQUESTRIA, which you can assume means that Pinkie Apple Pie (SE4, EP9) happened between FttF and PP. BY the way, anyone who has a thing for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon might wanna avoid this chapter. (Oh, does Steve let Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon have it!) In large part, I'm taking some liberties with the storyline for Season Four, but if you ask me, S4 should have been the season the CMC got their cutie marks.

How I think the CMC's cutie marks should look like: