From the daily journal of Steven Ambrose, Entry Number One

Where do I start? How do I start? I've never been one to talk ab out myself… Well, I guess it all starts after landing in this place, Equestria. Magical, pastel colored, and anthropomorphic ponies saved my life, kept me alive, even accepted me for the shlemiel that I am. Good thing, too, because I was holding the end of my rope. One of these days, either by my own carelessness or by complete apathy to my physical condition, I was gonna buy a farm.

Anyway, the last few months have been good to me. Forget the weight loss; I've dropped from 352 lbs. to a svelte 165 lbs. I've got a girlfriend. Back home I didn't have the looks, the money, or the time for a steady relationship. Now I do. SUCK IT UP YOUR ASS, TODD WHITFIELD! … Sorry, I digress… Back on topic, I've got a mission from the local convening authority here, one Princess Celestia. My LEAST favorite pony *coughcoughSparklebuttcoughcough* and my very special pony, Flutters, are coming with to this Castle of the Sisters.

From what Sparky's told me, this place used to be base-of-operations for Equestria before some bad shit happened. Something about a nightmare and the moon…? In any case, the mountain side chamber in Canterlot Palace says that something leftover from the Terran Empire is there, but we've been tasked with checking it out. Sparkle says it lies deep in the Everfree, which doesn't sound so inviting. Flutters has warned plenty of times about the forest; the place is said to be "unnatural" although from the description my special somepony gave me, it sounds like a regular forest to me. We have the rest of the week to get sorted; I've already informed Twilight of our party's addition and she seems to approve.

It seems Flutters is quite versed in the forest, even if she shivers at the mention of it. Supposedly, there's another that has intimate knowledge of the Everfree. She's known as "Secora" or something like that; she's supposed to to be a zebra. She actually lives deep in the Everfree; it's Sparkle's hope that we'll meet her in our travels and she can help us out. Apparently, the Zebras have a long association with the Terran Empire, but no one knows what it is. I would be hearing it from the horses mouth, so to speak, but I guess I need to wait until we find her. I am not looking forward to this trek; every fiber of my being tells me that we're gonna meet a sticky end out there. … It's just one of the joys of being me.

Fluttershy and I spent the rest of the week just hanging out. We didn't make love again because we agreed that moving to fast was going to destroy the relationship. That, and without a proper left leg, my techniques are rather limited. Either way, we got to know each other fairly well. (Also, when Fluttershy sneezes, she makes the most ADORABLE sound! I had to stop myself from giggling aloud…) More often than not, I went back to my flat in Sweet Apple Acres and she returned to her cottage. One or twice, though, I didn't get back home until well past dawn. (Yes, I had to do The Walk of Shame.)

Once the week was over, Fluttershy, Twilight, and myself are gathered on a road leading into the Everfree. Never in my life have I wanted to turn tail and run like I do now. Albeit, I don't think I'm getting many answers hanging around Ponyville. I may have gotten used to the quiet, pastoral life, but these dreams of mine are starting to drive me apeshit. For once, I'd like it if they would just let me sleep peacefully. The last time one of those dreams come on, I damn near shattered Flutters bed! (Fixing that was no small task, I tell you what.)

"So, are we ready?" Twilight calls.

"If I were any LESS ready, I could march past the Rubicon, battle standard in hand."

Twilight gives me a reproachful look.

"It's from my world; don't knock it."

"I-I-I'm r-ready." squeaks Fluttershy.

Twilight nods, "Okay, let's go."

"Are we there yet?"

"No." Twilight growls.

We've been on the march since early morning and now it's well into the afternoon. No sight of our quarry but what bare rock can tell and no sign of our friend, the zebra, either. I shouldn't be surprised, should I?

"Are we there yet?" I moan.

"NO." Twilight says forcefully.

Should I keep pushing…?

"Are WE there YET?"

"NO!" Twilight spits, "We'll get there WHEN WE GET THERE!"

"Stevie, maybe you shouldn't tease Twilight like that."

"Maybe you're right, Flutters, but that mare needs to chill."

"Still," Flutters retorts, "she is a princess. Even if you don't have greatest friendship, she deserves some respect."

"Okay, Flutters, you win." I say.

"It's about time." Twilight calls back.

Although…

"Twilight, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, Steven! What's on your mi-"

"Are we there yet?"

Twilight growls while I stifle a giggle. It's almost worth seeing Flutters and Sparklebutt cross with me; I have a lot of growing up to do. We trudge on (well, the ponies trudge, and I hobble) for another hour or so. It's possible we marched on for longer, the Everfree has a way of distorting things like time. By what little light pierces the canopy of the forest, I can tell daylight is waning. Hey, is that a clearing?

"Finally!" Twilight exclaims.

High and holy FUCK! You have got to be kidding me! This place- it's a dump! It's nothing like the dump Wreck-It Ralph inhabits, no. This place is dilapidated, with large chunks of balustrade, battlements and crenelates lay strewn on the ground. The wind whips past us through the holes in the wall. I smell decay in the air and mildew. What frightens me most, though, is the plank bridge leading to the castle's remains. My acrophobia is acting up on me…

"Come on, it's gonna be dark soon." Twilight calls, "we don't want to be here after dark."

"Fuck and you, Twilight Sparkle," I bark, "Nobody ever told me about a bridge!"

Growling, Twilight turns back from halfway along the bridge, "What are you talking about?"

"HELLO! I am HOBBLED HERE! How am I supposed to cross THAT on one-and-a-half legs?!"

"We don't have time for this-" Twilight moans.

Flutters interjects, "Wait, Twilight, I can carry him."

"Say what, Flutters?" I ask.

"I can carry you across." Flutters repeats, "Of course, you are heavier than a bunny, but I think I can manage."

I ruffle her mane affectionately. Methinks she's the only one who notices my less obvious issues with this.

"FINE," Twilight groans, "but I don't hear any more complaining from you, Mister Man!"

I nod then turn to Fluttershy, "Ready when you- *GULP!* are."

Flutters does what she does best: she floats up to my chest, places her hooves under my armpits, and gently lifts me from the ground. Then we're flying across the titanic gorge that surrounds the castle. During the flight, I have to chant the same mantra over and over to avoid absolute panic: You must now look up. You must not look up. You must not look up.

"What are you doing, Stevie?" Flutters inquires.

"Trying not to freak out," I answer, "I'm really, REALLY, afraid of heights!"

"I know," Flutters says, "I figured that when you started a cold sweat. You didn't tell me you were afraid of heights."

"Sorry, slipped my mind," I say, "I've been acrophobic since I was five. Fell off a high dive platform at a local pool, nearly died. Couldn't get any higher than a step stool allowed afterward."

"So what does the chant do?"

I reply, "Reverse psychology. I keep telling myself not to look up and then I'll look up and I won't find out how high off the ground I am. Doesn't always work."

"It seems to have worked this time, Stevie. We're across."

I can sense that we're descending and my right foot touches solid ground. As soon as Flutters releases her grip on me, I turn about and kiss her. As far as public displays of affection are concerned, it's not the biggest. Doesn't have to be though, because even the simplest act seems to set Flutters off into a sort of romantic fugue. The blush on her face is beyond adorable. Of course, Twilight has to ruin the moment with a throat clearing.

"Are you done?" she rasps.

"Yes," Flutters replies when I release her, "we're done."

"Then let's go," Twilight barks, "I'd rather not be here when Luna's Moon rises."

Good CHRIST, is this place all kinds of spooky! Flutters told me that she and her friends have been renovating this place but this place is still as creepy as fuck. First it was the hidden passageways, then that Hall of Hooves, and the paintings that almost look alive- I gonna have a panic attack if this keeps up. We still haven't found the source of that ping. The Terran Imperial map showed it to be here, but we haven't seen hide nor hair of it. Wild goose chase anyone?

"Twilight, we've been walking for hours in here. Don't you think we should go home?" worries Fluttershy.

"While I'd like to, Fluttershy, Princess Celestia is counting on me to find this place." Twilight responds.

"Not only you," I add, "even if you DID find it, I don't think you could activate or even understand whatever is supposedly buried here."

Twilight moans, and not for the first time. Our search of some secret human chamber has been fruitless thus far.

"Even so," Twilight says forcefully, "we are on task. We should give it our entire effort."

"The only thing I'd like to do," I groan, "is find a seat. Oh, look over here!"

A decidedly unpony chair is nestled along a far wall in the antechamber we've been exploring. It's the only chair of it's kind in the whole caste. It's rather simple, really, nothing more than a stool with a back to it. I gingerly place myself atop it. Despite it's utilitarian design, it's actually really comfortable.

"Ah, relief!" I moan.

"We have been on our hooves all day, Twilight," Flutters concedes, "maybe a rest would help?"

Twilight relents, "You're right, Fluttershy. Even us alicorns get tired sometimes."

"Hear hear!" I exclaim, "let's all sit back, relax, and rest a spell."

I lean back on the stool I'm on. Whoa, wait- What in the Hell?! Where'd the wall go-?!

"OOMPH!"

"Oh no!" Flutters cries, "Stevie, are you okay?"

"I reckon," I pronounce as Flutters lifts me off the floor, "the only thing really hurt is my pride. What the fuck was that?"

"Steven," Twilight whispers, "you need to see this."

I'm looking- at a passage. A secret passage, obviously missed by the ponies during their renovation of this place. Halfway down the corridor, which is taller than even the biggest pony, is a set of stairs, human sized stairs. For whatever reason, Robert Frost comes to mind.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

"Say what again?" Twilight questions.

"Old poem," is my reply, "even older than me. Come on, this secret ain't gonna explore itself!"

We march down this newly unearthed corridor, knowing little of what to expect. My pony companions have a slip of trouble navigating the stairs. Fluttershy decides to float down them, but Twilight isn't an experienced flyer, so she has to stumble down the staircase. I have my own difficulties: with half a leg missing, my descent is much more hazardous. It's a good thing Flutters is here to steady me when I stumble; I doubt I have the necessary agility to stop myself from falling let alone breaking my neck. We seem to be going very far underground; the air is getting a definite chill to it. This path was not made by ponies, I can tell. the walls are smooth and near geometrically perfect. The architect in me is astounded.

At last, the bottom of the stairs! By the hands of the nailed up Christ…! The mountainside chamber in Canterlot is TINY compared to this place. The air is rank and stale; the room is so large, I can't even see the far end of it. Same goes for the ceiling and at least the eastern wall. The room makes me think of Grand Central Station in New York, but nowhere near as grand. There's a hum in the air, a buzzing sound that vibrates in my bones. Along the only visible wall, I see what appears to be workstations spaced at intervals. Whatever was going on here must have been important AND secretive. Twilight lights up her horn in an effort to cut back the gloom; it's only partially effective.

"Steven," Twilight calls, pointing a hoof at vaguely familiar seat, "isn't this a seat similar to the one in Canterlot?"

I stride over to the chair in question, "It does. There's a thick layer of dust, though. Something or someone used this place regularly."

"Can you activate it?" Twilight says.

"Let's see." I reply.

I lower myself in the chair and- nothing. Not a thing happens.

"Well that was exciting!" I declaim, sarcastically.

"I don't understand," Twilight muses, "the last time you did that, everything came on at once. Could it be broken?"

I shake my head, "I get the feeling this isn't the seat of power in this room. Let's go further; I gotta good feeling about this."

"I wish I could say the same." Fluttershy mumbles.

We continue onward. This place is definitely different from the Canterlot site. For one, there are more workstations here, not just along the walls, but also spaced amongst the floor. Secondly, there are etched signs on the floor, indicating direction as well as what I assume are departments. The text in these inscriptions is similar to what I saw in the Canterlot chamber.

"Look!" Twilight exclaims.

Well now, what is this? There's something like a throne here. The light from Twilight's horn glints on gold and silver, dully reflecting off other materials as well, like velvet and satin. On the back of the throne is a expertly, hand sown sigil: a phoenix wrapped around a globe, with two four-point stars twinkling adjacent. I'm getting a sense of déjà vu; I could swear I've seen that emblem before…

"What do you make of it, Steve?" Twilight inquires.

"Methinks it's a command seat," I respond, "or maybe a regent's throne?"

"I don't think we should be here," Fluttershy announces, "can we go now?"

"Not yet, Flutters," I say, "I'm gonna try something."

"What are you doing?" Twilight asks.

"Gonna take a seat," I tell her Sparkleyness, "I'm next door to dead."

Ah, more stairs! At least these aren't as big as the ones coming down. Now I just gotta turn around… There, that's it. Now let's plant my fat, pimply, white ass on this thing… Oh, yeah, that's the ticket! Now this place is alive. Any minute now I'm go- HHHHRRRRRKKKKKKK!

"Stevie? STEVIE?!"

Oh, my fucking grandmother! Oh, why in the Hell is my leg hurting so much? And what the Hell is that noise?! Can a guy get some peace around here or what?

"Stevie! Stevie, wake up! Stevie, you have to wake up! Please, Stevie, don't die on me! I love you!"

"*GASP!* *COUGH! COUGH!* Flutters?! *COUGH!* What happened!" I'm sputtering. What the Hell happened to me?!

Twilight answers, "When you set down on the throne, this whole place came to life. Then this beam of light came down… You were thrashing- a-and s-s-creaming, screaming. We- We thought, you were going to die!"

"Ain't dead yet, huh?" I gasp, because Fluttershy is wrapped very tightly about my neck, "I'm like Jason Vorhees that way."

"[Indeed, thou art.]" says a disembodied voice.

"Was is-?"

"Steven, what was that?" Twilight asks, a tremor in her voice.

"Your guess is as good as mine," I reply, "Flutters, ease up, you're starting to choke me…"

"[It is well that one of ours has returned. We did not expect anyone from the other houses to make it back here.]"

"Oy!" I bellow, "Where you?! Who are you, eh?! Speak English!"

A noise, a whir, and then, "I apologize, Child of Terra, I had assumed that you were taught in our tongue. Alas, no, you have it not, save for in its most bastardized form."

"I still still don't know who, what, or where you are!" I call out.

The ghostly image of a beautiful but austere woman emerges from the floor. She wears what I can only describe as a catsuit; she is petite, boasting an ample bosom, with auburn hair streaked with golden threads. I- I think I dreamed about her before…

"I shall answer your inquiries, for that is my role.

I am, or was once, called Valeria. Now, I am The Hand That Mourns. My body died several millennium before you were born. As to what I am, I am now memory made light, an ancillary construct, meant to instruct any of our descendants should they make their way back here. As to where, I am now nowhere; my body is now dust, but my code remains here, as it did when Equestrian and Terran once did war ended. While I lived, I was of the House of Anthro, the home of historians and record keepers. It was our solemn duty to record the daily activities of the Terran Empire and it's citizens. Those records were kept elsewhere until my nation fell. After the exodus to the second Earth, our Final Hope, I, as Valeria, remained behind to archive all that knowledge. Now that one of us has been beckoned back home, it is my duty to inform them the history they may have lost."

"It's too bad you couldn't the same for my leg…" I growl.

"Oh, that?" Hand says, "child's play. I am surprised you haven't noticed. Genetic replication and nano-mechanical reconstruction have repaired your damaged limb. Look!"

Oh, damn, she's right! My left foot, it's back!

"I CAN WEAR BOOTS AGAIN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I whoop it up for a bit, a scared Fluttershy still hanging on my neck. Twilight, she looks aghast. I don;t think she's taken all this information in stride. Hand, either way, is smiling, and I can see in her holographic eyes both pride and curiosity. I guess she hasn't sized up who I am yet.

"Inquiry," Hand says when I finally collapse from too much elation, "are these Equines your pets? Slaves?"

"Wait, what?!" Twilight screams.

"Hold on," I admonish at Twilight, "I don't think Ms. Hand here has had a lot of relative information about what's been happening for- How long have you been waiting for me again?"

Hand replies, "Twenty four thousand, nine hundred and seventy-six years, three months, ten days, four hours, fifty-one minutes, and seventy-three seconds. To be precise."

"W-w-w-w-? Did- Did- Did you s- 25,000 years?!"

Hand nods, "It has been a long wait. Now, if you would mind-?"

I see she's pointing to my pony friends, "Well, they aren't my masters, and they sure as hell ain't slaves. These ponies are my friends." For added effect, I squeeze tightly onto Fluttershy.

"I see," Hand replies, "Most interesting."

"Why so?" Twilight demands.

"Well, you see, Your Majesty, if your 'friend' knew of what transpired here twenty-five millennium ago, I do not believe you and he would remain 'friends.'"

"That's rather ominous," I add, "just what are you trying to tell me, Ms. Hand?"

Hand smiles, a gentle, knowledgeable thing, and says, "First, would you tell me what you are called, Child?"

I swallow some spit, hoping that I'm not making it appear that I'm nervous and answer, "Steven Ambrose."

Hand's holographic head tilts, "Hmm, how interesting. You do look like him. Most peculiar…"

"More cryptic talk," I moan, "listen, I know you got some agenda you gotta push, and I'm still fresh off the boat, so how 'bout we get some things straightened out here. Where are we?"

Hand replies, "We are currently in the Central Citadel of the Terran Empire; specifically, in the uppermost throne room of the Imperial Matron. We built it in the place where first contact between the Equestrians and the Terran race took place, dead center in the Bedlam Woods."

"Bedlam Woods? Not Everfree?" Twilight inquires, "So this isn't a war room?"

"Oh, yes, it is" Hand answers, "at least, it was when the war started. Poor Ambrose, he would curse the fools who turned this majestic residence into a military complex. Alas, he was assassinated long before those changes, and the war in general, took place."

"Okay," I muse, "who was Ambrose, besides a name?"

"Ambrose was a member of House Intelligentsia, the home of thinkers, artisans, musicians and artists, but he transferred into House Praetorian, wherein dwell the defenders of the Empire. It was he who made First Contact. It was his dream for Equestrians and Terrans to live in harmony."

"But the war-?" I ask, "He was assassinated before the war, Ambrose? What happened to his dream?"

Hand closes her eyes, and hisses, "House Proletariat, a snake pit of politicians and lawyers. They saw the Equestrians as non-entities, until they proved with an alacorn foal that they were not to be trifled with. Then they sought the extermination of the whole race, down to the last mare, stallion, and foal."

"How awful," whispers Fluttershy, "Why?"

I concur, "Good questions Ms. Hand, why?"

"Because, Steven, descendant of Ambrose, House Proletariat is evil."

Fuck me…

Who knew?