Guess who just blew into town. While RD is giving the griffin a brush off (pun intended), the rest of Ponyville is willing to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, Gilda sets her sights on a certain hobbled human. Run, Steve, Run!

Day Four of Seven (Late Afternoon)

Spike and I were enjoying a lazy breeze while we ate gelato on a park bench. Ponyville Park was usually quite this time of day. I know, because I come here when I get off work sometimes and just watch the ponies play. (Much to the concern of several mothers, unfortunately.) I'll sometimes find a table, break out some pencils and paper, and draw until my brain is mush. Or sometimes I'll just lie in the grass, my crutches propped against a tree and watch the clouds roll by. Although, with ArDee on weather patrol, that sometimes takes some doing.

Today, Dash was enjoying some well deserved time off. You would want some time off, too, if you smashed head first into thick glass wall. I overheard Pinkie Pie say that Dash suffered a moderate concussion. The docs are keeping her in the head trauma ward just to make sure there are no lasting effects. I bet she's yukking it up, with a healthy stack of Daring Do books at her bedside. Good thing, too. I'd rather not think that Rainbows inattentiveness may have been the result of me popping her anal cherry. Not that she complained about it…

Truesbob, I'm still mulling over whether I should be dating Fluttershy or not. As much as it pains me to say, she's the only mare in town I would consider attractive. Rarity, though pretty, is too high maintenance for my ass. I'm pretty sure Spike would roast me if I try to put moves on "his mare." (I can tell that the little guy is more than infatuated with the seamstress; he's in full on adoration mode. It borders on obsession but I'd never tell him that. I'm quietly surprised he hasn't venerated the very ground she walks on.) There are a few candidates I had considered, but those mares are currently in relationships and I am not one to cock-block.

I dunno… With Flutters, I feel a kindred spirit. I was never an extrovert. I spent my weekends at home, reading a good book or watching Grimm. Sometimes I'd pop in a Blue-Ray disc of Lucky Star, Working, or even Suzumiya Haruhi no Yûutsu when I was feeling especially bored. I didn't have many friends outside of work and for all intents, purposes, and species, I wasn't one to hang out in bars or go clubbing. That's not to say I didn't know how to have fun. (I'm a surprisingly good dancer!) I just never really felt comfortable in large crowds. (Likely, I have a mild case of Agoraphobia. I should have started seeing a psychiatrist after graduating high school, but could never afford to.)

Anyway, Flutters and I make a match, on paper. The Prophet was quick to point out in one General Conference that opposites attract for a reason. So far, though, I haven't met an opposite to me. Unless you count Rainbow Dash and I generally try not to. Hmm, now that I think about it, most of my pony friends reflect different aspects of my own personality. I can be brave like ArDee, honest like AyJay, charitable like Rares, comedic like Pinks, considerate like Flutters, and Twilight and I have something in that we have a lust for learning. (Albeit, I like to learn things that interest me, whereas Twilight learns just to learn, it seems.)

"Hey, Steve," Spike calls, "do you think we can fire your gun again anytime soon?"

"I dunno," I tell the drake, "I need help in fixing the thing and the only pony I know who could do so is probably gonna say no."

"Yeah, I don't think Twilight is gonna want to fix up something so dangerous." Spike lamented.

I reply, "It's only dangerous in the wrong hands- hooves, whatever. If what I theorize is correct, no pony in town or beyond should be able to use it properly."

"Except for me." Spike adds.

"Except for you," I confirm, "methinks a body would have need of an opposable thumb."

"Well, that still leaves a few creatures on Terra that could do it…" Spike muses.

"Yeah, I gue- Wait, what?"

"Oh, you know," Spike explains, "Minotaurs, griffons, other dragons…"

"In other words, we should keep that pistol well away from those- creatures." I say.

Spike nods, "Besides, I think the Minotaurs would have harsh things to say if discovered that a human wound it's way to our world."

"Uh," I start, "why- why would that be?"

"Well… I think it has something to do with a myth they have about the creation of the world. Something about a war between gods or something?" Spike answered.

"Okay, I think that's all I wanna hear about this subject," I say, "so, any plans for the Lady Rarity?"

Spike is- Spike is looking at something off on the horizon. What could he-?

I ask, "Spike, you okay there buddy?"

He continues to stare at something…

"Spike? Spike! Earth to Spike!"

"… Gilda?" the drake says at last.

"Gilda?" I wonder, "What is a Gil-"

"HEADS UP, GEEKS!"

DUDE! That was fucking close! What was that streak of brown, white, and yellow? And why do I get an impression of feathers-?

"Yes! Gilda makes another spectacular landing!"

Okay, now I've seen it all. Standing proud in front of Spike and I is a beast out of Greek legend. Part eagle, part lion, all attitude, it prances in place as my young drake companion and I watch. And, oh, what a time for those phantom limb pains to strike! I'm getting this burning sensation where my left foot once was; it's begging me to scratch it.

"What are you dweebs staring at? Haven't you two ever seen awesomeness on a stick?" says the strange figure before us.

"I have," I say, smirking, "but Robert Downey Junior, you are not."

The creature, which I guess must be a griffon, gives me a sour look, "Wat chu talkn' about, pasty?"

Spike giggles a little, uttering, "Pasty!" sotto voce.

"I'm saying," I rejoinder, "that you are not awesome. Reckless, a showboat, significantly egotistical, but in no way awesome."

"Who are you," the griffon growls, "to question my cred?"

"The name Amborse, Steven Ambrose, license to ill."

The griffon looks affronted, "The name is Gilda, Pasty, and you just got on my bad side."

"Is that the side were you got splashed with pastel green?" I jeer, "Because that is DEFINITELY not a good look for you."

"ARGGGHHHH!" Gilda bellows and she takes to wing, aiming right for me. I duck, which is a whole harder with a missing calf, and just manage to dodge her charge.

"Come 'ere, Pasty! I wanna give you a handshake!"

"No thanks," I quip, "I haven't had my Tetanus shot this decade."

Gilda lets loose with a war cry as I position myself near the tree whose shade Spike and I were enjoying. Gilda soars in, pitching and yawing just right to hit me full force. I have to time this just right- Any second now- almost- NOW!

*THWACK!*

"Oh, that has to hurt!" Spike comments.

"Yep," I say, "she's gonna be pickin' up her teeth for a week."

"This isn't isn't over," Gilda says, her voice muffled by the amount of trunk her beak punctured upon crashing, "gonna see you soon."

"Don't count on it," I tell her, "I got more skills than you can imagine!"

"You really made her mad!" Spike laughed.

"I know!" I chortled, "Have you ever seen anybody so foolish?!"

Spike and I were going back to the Golden Oak and we haven't stop laughing since. Gilda's enraged tirades against yours truly put anything George Carlin had to shame! As horrible as it is to make merry about someone else's misery, I couldn't help it with that griffon. She kept walking into them!

"D'ya think she'll get over ramming beak-first into that old birch tree?" I ask.

"Probably not," Spike admits, "but it serves her right!"

"Something tells me there's some bad blood here."

Spike nods, "There sure is! Last time Gilda was here, she snapped at everypony after falling for Rainbow Dash's every prank."

"So no love lost there, eh?" I question.

Spike shakes his head.

I have ask this, or it's gonna drive me ape shit, "By the by, am I really that pasty looking?"

"Well…" Spike starts, "I don't really know. Humans are sorta mythical around here. Nopony has any basis to compare, really."

"That's what I was afraid of." I lament.

"Hey, don't worry," Spike reassures me, "Gilda has always been a bit brash. It's kinda her thing."

"If that's the case, methinks she has found a contender for her crown," I say, "and she doesn't know me yet."

"HEADS UP, LOSERS!"

It seems our griffon friend has recovered from her embarrassment.

"Steve, look out!" Spike exclaims.

I may not be able to see her coming, I can sure hear her. If I time this right, she's gonna a beakful of cobble stones for her trouble. Any second now… That's it, that's it… follow the birdie…

*CRASH!*

Gilda has just smashed head first into a building. She also bowled over several ponies in her flight path. They're dazed but certainly none the worse for wear. Gilda, on the other hand, is bruised, bleeding, and pissed. I'm trying hard to suppress a laugh.

"That wasn't funny, Pasty!" the griffon yells.

"You're right," I chortle, "THAT WAS HILARIOUS!"

"YOU…!" Gilda growls.

In a second, she's off her tail feathers and rushing right towards me. Part of me is tempted to break out a red cape and taunt her like a bull. The other part of me wants to karate chop the back of her head.

"Olé!" I beam as Gilda blows past me. I don't how a cape ended up in my hands, but I'm none too concerned about it right now.

"You are dead, Pasty!" Gilda seethes as rushes toward me again.

"I thought I was already dead…" I quip. Gilda's charge is even clumsier than the first; I easy side step it, even in crutches.

But Gilda hasn't given up yet. She takes a turn from off a tree and puts on a burst of speed. I have little time to dodge it. My only option: curl up into a ball as best I can and hope I deflect a greater deal of the attack away from vital organs.

"NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!" I scream.

Gilda's charge- It should have connected. She was moving faster than I could counter and yet- I'm still here. <Was is das?>

"S-Steve…" stammers Spike.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"How-How did y-you- do that?"

"Do what, Spike?"

The drake pulls one of my arms from over my head and I see what shouldn't really be possible if I wasn't unicorn. Gilda is sprawled out against a solid yet translucent barrier. I can see a shimmer and distortion around where Gilda has face planted. I have to see… As I stand up, I take a look around, taking into account the presence of unicorns or even an alicorn. No dice. Whoever or whatever put this field is nowhere to be seen. As far as I know, I'm not magical.

"Huh," I muse, "whodda thunk it?"

"Steve, is there something you're not telling me?" Spike asks.

"Not that I know of," I tell Spike, "but Ponyville's always been kinda weird, right?"

Spike shrugs.

"I don't know about you, but I feel like some ice cream." I say, non sequitor.

"Didn't we just have gelato?" Spike says.

"Yeah, we did," I answer, "but don't tell me you would say no to ice cream?"

Spike's face lights up in a grin. I bet he's thinking of sprinkles and whipped cream right now.

"I- jus- wanid- tasee- Rainbo- Dast-"

Gilda voice comes out muffled because she's still plastered to the invisible screen.

"If'n you're lookin' for her," I say, "you might wanna try Ponyville General. She's-" I DO NOT want to say what Dash and I were up to this morning, especially since A.) Spike is here and B.) I'm not particularly proud of it myself, "had a rather traumatic morning, especially after she flew into a glass wall."

"T'anks." the griffon says.

I reply, "Don't mention it."

"Ya know-" Gilda calls out, "you ain't half bad, Pasty."

"I'll try to remember that for later," I say, then turn to Spike again, "Ice cream?"

"ICE CREAM!" Spike beams.

Ah, early evening in Ponyville! So quiet, so cool, so comfortable. Although the town is significantly smaller than Laredo is, Ponyville is a lot more peaceful at this hour. I like it, lots. Celestia's sun is setting, causing the sky to light up in a palette worth of warm colors and Luna's moon is slowly rising. It looks to a be a waning moon; part of the surface is in a crescent-shaped shadow. No breeze tonight, either. I guess the weather team is keeping things calm tonight. I'm still getting over the idea that the weather is controlled here.

As far back as I can remember, I've witnessed thunderstorms, lighting storms, hail storms, and slept part way through at least one tornado. Humans haven't figured out how to control the clime…Which makes it even crazier that these ponies can do it. If what they has is magic, and if they have such control over it all, then I wonder what else they can do with it? I just hope they don't turn it against me. The last time Twilight set a spell on me, I wound up with blood pouring out of my ears. Not a very pleasant day, believe you me.

That begs, still, another question: why does their magic hurt me so? It's almost as if I have such a high level of resistance to their mana or something. Tffft! Listen to me now! Pulling out all that Dungeons & Dragons stuff! Next thing you'll know, I'll using Final Fantasy terms for basic enchantments or something!! I do have to wonder if maybe, just maybe, there is something to the dreams I've been having of late. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I've been seeing- No, I'm not gonna go there. Too much pain, too much misery, way too much death. This "Empire of Terra" stuff is gonna drive me mad! Or at least madder than I already am.

It wouldn't be so bad if the dreams were once every fortnight or something. That's how it all started out. Now they seem to happen every other night. The last one was particularly disturbing because I witnessed a pony army raze a human settlement to the ground. I wonder if there are historical records from way back when? I bet nothing like this has been mentioned in current Equestrian history books. Just how would you explain the extermination of millions of humans to a peaceful Equestria? I'm betting that would be a sociopolitical nightmare… Who even knows if Princesses Celestia and Luna even have memories of that day an age? I have to think two nigh-immortal beings such as those would have a recollection of those events, even if it isn't clear. Man, why am I even bothering to think about this shit?! They're only dreams…

I think tonight would a good time to break out the hammock.