Day Three of Seven

You know your day isn't going to go well when you wake to a massive migraine. Wouldn't you know, that is EXACTLY how this day started out. I've contemplated sending Princess Celestia a letter asking her to not shine her sun in my general vicinity. All that light is making things worse… Worse, there's this God-awful racket going on outside. What in the Hell is going on out there? Is Applejack getting rutted by a wood chipper?! What I would give for a bottle of Excedrin right now…

Well, I might as well grab a shower. That should at least wake me up some. If I still drank coffee, this would the point in my day where I consume a cup. Or ten. Whatever. My head is pounding. Hm, maybe I could scam a soda off of Pinks. Last I saw, she's got a whole refrigerator full of 'em. That could help my aching skull, yeah. First, though, shower.

I'm kinda glad AyJay and Apple Bloom put in a covered walkway to my little outhouse. This way I know I won't get Rainbow Bombed while trying to go #2. It's bad enough when she strafes me in the streets. I can only imagine- No, actually, I don't. That is the LAST THING I wanna imagine. Here's hoping there's some hot water left. As cool as Biggie is, he uses up most of the hot water in the mornings. It's a wonder Granny Smith hasn't gotten on his case about it.

AGGGHHHHHH! Fuck-me-Freddy! The water ice fucking COLD! Damn it, Big Mac! Save some for the rest of us! Okay, I'm awake now. I'm awake and I have a migraine the size and general shape of Texas. I'm afraid to ask if this day could get any worse. … Actually, I just got a crazy idea. I need to see Twilight for a minute. I got just the thing to make this headache go away…

Well, the good news is, the weather is mighty fine this morning. The sun is warm, the wind is cool, and the air is crisp with morning dew. If only my head would stop throbbing, I might actually enjoy this day. This is why I'm heading to Golden Oak Library. My most immediate plans have something to do with what Twilight has on her hooves. I'm hoping she still has it.

Ah, here we are! Man, I can never get over the fact that this giant oak tree is a library. I wonder if Twilight is in. I could just walk in the through the door, because it's a public library. But it's also the Princess' home, so maybe I should knock. Yeah, I'm gonna knock. I'd like it known that I do have some manners.

*KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!*

"Twilight?"

Ah, good the door is opening- Oh, it's Spike.

"Hey, Spike, wassup?"

The drake answers me, "Hey, Steve. Come to check out a book?"

"Nah," I answer back, "my written Equestrian isn't too good. Actually, I came here to see if Twilight was in. I think she has something I need."

"Wanna come in?" Spike asks, "I made some nachos for Twilight and myself but she left on some errand for the Crown. She might not be back for a few days."

"And she left you here on your own?"

"It's okay. It's happened before." Spike replies.

"Hmm," I muse, "well then, maybe you can help me."

"Oh! What with?"

"I left something here the other day," I tell him, "it's made of metal, fits in a palm."

"Your gun," Spike says darkly, "why do you want that?"

"I'm running an experiment of my own," I say, "I wanted to see if Twilight could use the pistol and determine if I was the only who could fire it."

"Why?" Spike questions.

"It's- hard to explain," I answer, "I'm trying to see if my running hypothesis is correct."

"And what's that?" the young drake ask me.

"That I cancel out pony magic."

Spike thinks on this for a bit. His taloned hand scratches his chin. I can tell he's debating whether to I'm making sense or if I'm talking out of my ass.

"How do you figure that?" he asks.

"Well, it's been a few things I noticed," I answer, "when I was over at Rarity's the other day, she was trying to take in my pants and every time she got a needle close to me, she lost her magical grip on it. She later told me that she was able to use her magic without any trouble whatsoever after I left. She didn't know why, but I think I do. I need to run some tests to be sure."

"Okay," Spike says, "I think I know where it is. Twilight hid it to make sure nopony got hurt with it."

"Good plan," I muse, "don't want anyone accidentally discharging the thing now."

Spike led me upstairs into his and Twilight's room. I wouldn't have known it was a bedroom if not for the bed in one corner of the room. The place is piled to the rafters with books, papers, maps, and other academic finery. I don't know how Sparklebutt sleeps in a place like this. I mean, I've done something similar when I had a large cache of graphic novels, but not on this order. Twilight Sparkle, you dirty, dirty bibliophile…

"Hand me that step ladder, Steve."

Handing the drake an oaken ladder, I say, "It's in here?"

"Yeah," Spike answers, "Twilight wanted to keep an eye on it."

"Was she afraid it was gonna explode or something?" I laugh.

That one went a little too far. Spike is fixing me with a stare that could send daggers. I need to recover from that one. That was the lamest joke I've ever said.

"So, uh, how is Twilight? Keeping busy, I suppose?"

"Oh, yeah," Spike confirms, "between her royal duties and keeping the upkeep of this library, she's been up to her horn in busy work. Then you come along-"

"-complicating things." I finish.

Spike nods, "Did you know she's spent the last month or so studying up on humans?"

I shake my head.

"See that pile over there?" Spike points a claw at a tottering tower of books next to Twilight's bed.

"You mean the leaning tower of paper over there?"

"Yup," Spike says, "that's all the books, magazine's and scientific articles she could find in the Canterlot Archives about humans."

"Dag, yo!" I exclaim, "She dedicated like you read about."

Spike nods in confirmation, "Most of what she's found are rumors and opinions. She told me there's not much empirical evidence to make your claims true."

"Girl needs to get a life. And maybe a set of spectacles."

"Yeah, well, I keep trying to tell her, humans have been gone for eight hundred years, there's no real data about them anymore."

"Well, she can at least sort fact from fiction now."

"Ah, I found it!"

Spike pulls the P226 from a shelf lined with massively heavy tomes. I'm surprised it could fit in there, there's little to no headspace. He hands me the pistol like it's a diseased thing. Not sure I blame him.

"Thanks, Spike. Now I need some place to shoot this away from Ponyville. Don't wanna startle the natives…"

"I getcha," Spike fires back, "there might someplace out by Zecora's hut… No, that won't do… Oh, wait, I know!"

"What's your story, morning glory?"

"I know just the place for your- experiment. Follow me!"

"Are we gonna take the nachos with us? Spike, nachos? Dude, come on!"

"How did I not know this place existed?" I ask Spike.

"Well, it's kinda outta the way, so maybe you wouldn't have found it on your own." Spike says.

"I can imagine that."

The clearing Spike has led me to is- well, it's gorgeous. A waterfall fills a pool of the clearest water I've ever seen, there's a meadow here that stretches on forever, and it's well past the Ponyville city limits.

"Anway," continues Spike, "this is a pretty good spot. The falls overhead will keep ponies from hearing whatever you plan to do and there's lot's of space to move around. Twilight and I found it when she was conducting some of her more explosive magical experiments."

"Thanks, Spike!"

Hmm, if Twilight isn't around…

"Hey Spike, hold up a sec."

The drake turns around just before he enters the underbrush that encloses the clearing, "Yeah?"

"You wanna help me out here? I'll let you try out the pistol."

"What?" Spike questions, "You want me- to help you shoot that- thing?"

I nod, "I wanna see if dragons have the ability to use human artifice. Besides, if you get it to work, you might have a little fun. Just don't shoot me, okay?"

"Okay!" Spike alights.

That was easier than I thought. Spike waddles over to me and I show as much as I know about proper pistol operation. On the way out here, I had the sense to engage the safety. Now I'm showing Spike how to disengage it, rack the slide, and take aim.

"Now, you don't want to pull the trigger," I advise, "you wanna squeeze it. In fact, if you wanna, think of the trigger as one of Rarity's flanks."

Drool forms from the corner of Spike's mouth as he soundlessly forms the words, "Rarity's flank."

*BLAM!*

"HOLY- Spike, you just fired the pistol!"

"I did?" Spike asks.

"You did!" I exclaim, "By all things bright, you just put cap in- where did you shoot? oh, into that tree trunk's derriere!"

"Wow," Spike says, amazed, "I wanna do it again!"

"Be my guest." I reply.

*BLAM! BLAM!*

"Wow," Spike says, awestruck, "I could conquer all of a Equestria with this thing…"

"Hey there, Junior," I say, "don't be countin' chickens when you only got some eggs."

"But that was so cool!"

"True," I remark, "but you need save a few rounds for me, eh. This is my experiment, you know?"

Spike hands my the Siggie reluctantly. Now I wonder if my aim will be any better than it was during the sky marshal incident.

"One for the money," I begin, "two for the show, three to get ready, four to blow…"

*BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Click!*

"Huh?"

"What was that?" Spike asks.

"I think the clip is empty?"

Where was the magazine release? Oh, there, by the trigger guard…

"Huh, these holes in the clip… Oh, that's what they refer to as 'witness holes.' Okay, well… According to this, there's still a few rounds in the magazine. There's supposed to be fifteen rounds in this. Hmm… Two plus the three you fired, the three I fired… That should be eight. Maybe we got a faulty ejection?"

I take a look at the ejection port and sure enough, there's a case caught between the slide and the port. Great…

"Well, that puts an end to our fun for the day."

"What happened?"

"There's a casing stuck in the ejection port." I explain, "I don't know enough about pistols to tear this one down and repair it. Sorry, dude."

"Aww…" Spike laments, "Well, that was still pretty cool. Maybe you can ask Twilight to fix it when she gets back?"

"I'll think about it." I reply, "If Twilight was nervous enough to hide this thing, then I bet she's gonna be ballistic when she finds you helped me find it and shoot it."

Spike adds, blushing, "Oh."

"You know, you're pretty cool for being a little bookworm," I tell the drake, "we should hang out sometime."

"Oh, cool!" Spike exclaims, "I'd like that! I've never had a human friend."

I say, "I've never had a dragon as a friend, either."

"Hey, let's say we get an ice cream from the new malt shop on Mane Street?"

The puns, they're going to kill me, "Sure, Spike. All this excitement has killed my headache and I feel some celebration is in order!"

Yes, the pun is intended.
Also, the link goes to a video. The reference is found at 1:45.