How long has it been since the House Warming Incident? A week? Two weeks? Feels longer than that. Anyway, I've been making some excellent progress living in this sugar bowl delusion, with some minor exceptions. Twilight has been doing some experiments with me, more often than not leaving me seriously injured afterward. (You should have seen Flutters after the last test. She just about lost her shit when I wound up neck deep in the river instead of standing outside Sugarcube Corner.) I think it's safe to safe to say the pony magic and humans don't mix well.

This also got me thinking some. With every test, every experiment, I lose weight. Not like Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" kinda weight loss; I mean liposuction like weight loss. Applejack has a scale she uses to measure apple bushels and the first time I was on it, I dressed up 285 pounds. I was on it just yesterday, and found I was now at a svelte 175 pounds. Most of the clothes Rarity made for me are falling off me. She's had to take them in at three times.

"Ugh!" cries the fashionista.

"Another needle drop, Rares?"

"Yes!" Rarity admits, "That's the fifth drop today! I just don't understand it!"

"Well, what's going on?" I ask, "Are you getting distracted? Did Sweetie Belle do something to rise your ire?"

"It's nothing like that, dahling." Rarity says, "It's just- every time I raise a needle to sew, I lose my grip on it!"

"Hold for twenty… Rarity, are using your magic to hold the needle?"

"Uh, yes. Why?" Rares replies.

♪"I've got a theory!"♫

The seamstress inquires, "Did you just- sing, a little?"

"Uh, yeah, I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, the common wisdom dictates that humans- can't really carry a tune." she informs me.

"Well, that's- Nevermind. Rares, maybe it'd be best you finish this without me here."

"Why would I do that, darling?" Rarity implores, "Don't you want to make sure I give the best possible fit?"

"I do, but my theory is that, as a human, I somehow- negate Equestrian magic."

Clearly confused, Rarity just says, "Huh?"

"Ask Twilight, she knows more."

Rarity starts, "Darling if I may-"

I'm halfway done stripping off the pattern Rarity had me wear. "Yeah?"

"How were you standing up during all of this?"

"How do you mean?" I ask.

"Your crutches- they were on the far wall. They are now in your hands! How did-" Rarity

Huh, how about that. I do remember setting them by the door, now they're here in my palms. Curious, this…

"Uh, Jedi Mind Trick? Anyway, talk with Twilight. She and I have a running hypothesis about why magic fails around me."

---

"Morning, Steven!" calls a friendly stallion.

"Mornin' Mr. Cake!" I reply.

Mr. Cake kindly asks, "Can I offer you a muffin?"

"Got any blueberry?"

"Sorry, Steve." the baker says, "I do happen to have some of these, though."

Deep whiff… Oh, fuck, those smell good! "Lemon?"

"Heck yeah!" Mr. Cake says.

"Mmmmmm, lemon… I'll take a dozen!"

"Put it on your tab?" Mr. Cake says.

"Naw, Carrot, I have some bits today. What's it come to?"

Mr. Cake looks surprised but says, "Five bits. Lemon isn't a flavor most ponies appreciate."

"Good thing I'm not." I chirp.

Five of my hard earned bits fall into Mr. Cakes money tin. Yay, I have lemony tasties! Mmmm, they are so good! Is that lemon rind? I DON'T CARE! LEMONS!!

"I hope enjoy 'em!" Mr. Cake calls out. I give him a wave and smile as I hobble away. I was halfway home when- *THWACK!* I tumble to the ground with another pony tangled in my limbs.

"Oh, what in the flying fuck-?! Watch where you're goin', ya sunuvabitch!" I growl.

"Not the son, but the bitch herself!"

Aw, fuck…

"Dash, been a while. How you holdin' up?"

"Oh, I'm fine-" ArDee leers.

I don't like the look she's giving me.

"But I think I could be better…"

Why in- Christ, when did a pony's backside look so inviting?

"I thought I said that could never happen."

"You said that I couldn't 'service' you again." ArDee teases, "You didn't say anything about whether is was 'full service.'"

"Dash! When I said that, it was my express intent that we never do anything remotely sexual. EVER. AGAIN. Besides, you asked me not to breathe a word of our encounter to your friends. The way you're going, people are going talk."

"Ah, let those ponies talk!" the racing mare dismisses.

Looking for a distraction, I blurt out, "Oh, hey, Scootaloo!"

"Squirt?"

Dash turns around to empty air. Exit, stage right!

"Hey, I don't see Scootaloo! So, what are y- Huh? Where did he go?"

---

"So, the name is Lyra?"

"Yeessss!" croons the aquamarine mare at my arm.

"Okay, cool. Thanks for the save back there. Dash is- Well, she is acting mighty peculiar and I rather not deal with that drama llama."

"Oh! Well, you're welcome! Hhhaaaaannnnnddddds!" Lyra says.

"Uh, Lyra?"

"Can I lick your fingers?" the unicorn requests.

EVERYBODY IN THIS TOWN IS CRAZY!

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