Our next episode sees Sweet Apple Arces where Buddy Rose is helping Applejack gets apples. How is he helping?

Buddy Rose nodded and flew high over the orchards. “LEAF SWARM!” He sent swarms of razor-leafs at the trees, skillfully cutting all the apples off at once and landing them in the baskets, and with his super speed and others helping out, whole orchards of trees would be stripped of their apples within minutes.

THAT’S IT! I’M OUT! SEE YA! NOPE! WE ARE DONE, STORY! WE ARE DONE! I AM BREAKING UP WITH YOU! THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN’T WORTH MY FUCKING SANITY!

I mean, what the fucking hell?! I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before that the Grand Ruler forbids his unicorns from using magic to make their lives better and can only use magic to heal others or in combat, but I’m saying it now!

Buddy Rose, one of the dumbass unicorns from Unicrapacopia, uses his magic to get apples from trees! This would not bother me if the story had not already established that the unicorns are forbidden to do that! I wouldn’t even mind so much if there was something clarifying that the Grand Ruler realized that it was incredibly stupid of him! But no, he says that ponies are stronger without magic in their daily lives! So, why the fuck would Buddy Rose use his magic to make his and Applejack’s life easier?! Unless, this comes back to bite Buddy in the ass, I’m going to be angry from this point on!

If the rest of the story didn’t already have that effect on me!

Apple Bloom and Daphne show up and are depressed when the concert they wanted to go see was cancelled.

The group goes about their day as usual, when suddenly the country singer that Apple Bloom and Daphne wanted to see arrives at their doorstep in bad shape. The Apple family takes him in and he explains that his heart just wasn’t in it.

The singer spends a few days at the barn and the group finally gets him to open up about his feelings. He explains that he’d been looking for love during his course to fame, but only ended up finding mares who wanted him for his fame and fortune. Sounds like Hollywood to me.

He then sings a song about it. But I don’t care, so I’m going to put up my own country song for this situation.

The group explains to him that true fans will support him through his troubles if he lets them in. So, they decide to put together a charity concert for everypony. The singer becomes a huge success, finds an a wife that loves him for who he is, and this character will never appear in the story again. Another story that is, in the end, entirely pointless!

So our next is promised to include…

In our next episode, Lightning and Starla are court martialed and are having to answer to charges of recent reckless actions from a previous involvement, including an almost falling out in their relationship, which nearly caused a lot of massive trouble for the entire kingdom.

Oh… this is going to be one of those episodes…

Just start the episode…

Starla and Lightning were both in big trouble and being court martialed!

Oh, public execution? Please! Have mercy on me and kill the fuckers!

Celestia and the Grand Ruler demand answer and Starla and Lightning explain. Okay, let them explain, while I go sharpen my axe.

So, it turns out that Starla hasn’t been getting enough exercise and her legs are… too skinny? What, do unicorns have a regulation of how fat their legs have to be?! What the hell?! Starla, I guess, is ashamed of this and asks Lightning to not tell anypony about her legs being ‘as skinny as pancakes.’

Who the fuck says…? You know what, I don’t care.

The next day, Lightning is in a conversation with Pinkie Pie and the racist brothers and says…

“They were skinny as pancakes. Can you believe what she said to me after that?” and everyone shared a soft laugh, but Starla, she felt tears coming to her eyes and her heart aching.

Ha, ha, ha. He was talking about actual pancakes.

So, yeah, Starla is pissed off and confronts Lightning about it. Starla overreacts and breaks up with Lightning. Smartest move any of these characters have done, ever.

Of course, this is all the woman’s fault. It couldn’t be the male’s fault. The male’s stupidity! No, it has to be the female’s fault! Because as we all know, women are stupid!

JESUS, FUCK! I hate this story… I really hate this story…

“Women…!” he growled.

I know right?!

Wait, WAIT.

I’ll do it myself.

“So you felt that Lightning had betrayed you.” said Celestia.

“What happened after that?” asked Grand Ruler.

Lightning and Starla explained that it was most certain that Chrysalis had been observing them…

How could they possibly know that?!

But, yeah, Chrysalis sees their breakup as an opportunity for an attack. So, the captain sends ONE CHANGELING?!

WHY ARE YOU SENIDNG ONE CHANGELING?! IT HASN’T WORKED THUS FAR! IT WON’T WORK NOW!

I’ve always pictured Chrysalis as having some diabolical plan, like the Secret Invasion from Marvel Comics. In said storyline, a shapeshifting race known as the Skrulls infiltrate Earth posing as different superheroes and villains.

Why doesn’t Chrysalis do something like that?!

“Because they can’t shapeshift.”

THEY HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE OVER PONIES BODIES! THEY DON’T NEED TO SHAPESHIFT!

This plan could still work! Even more so, since you wouldn’t have to store or dispose of bodies that you replace! You could just possess them and go on with their lives normal, while at the same time gathering information about new Equestria and turning them against one another subtly! But no, we have to go with Rita from Power Rangers tactic that involves throwing ONE MONSTER AT A TIME, INSTEAD OF BUILDING A FREAKING ARMY AND SENDING THEM ALL AT ONCE!

Urgh! So, a changeling takes control of Mrs. Cake and she attacks the town. Also, one thing I’ve noticed. All the ponies the changelings possess are female.

WAIT, WAIT! Story isn’t over yet! There still might be a chance!

Huff… dodged a bullet there.

They manage to get the changeling out of Mrs. Cake’s body, rather abruptly I must say, but because Starla is being a bitch, the creature gets away!

You do not get to hit me with your shovel! I’ve already been hit once because of this bitch! I don’t need another!

“A great day this is turning out to be.” he grumbled. “And women-- They’re just as fickle as space! Peaceful one minute, fighting like crazy the next.”

Lightning Dawn, everypony! As sexist as his author! Why can’t everypony hit him with the shovel instead of me? … In fact!

Ah... much better.

And then we get… the changeling’s point of view?

How are they telling Celestia and the Grand Ruler about the Changelings when they weren’t there?! They didn’t see the conversation! They don’t know the Changeling’s point of view because they weren’t there! How could they be telling them things that they themselves do not know?!

The captain of the changelings forges a letter from the queen and tells the changeling to wait for her to fight alongside them. The Changeling is confused since the queen would want to be at full strength before fighting them. Even though before Chrysalis was able to defeat Celestia with just Cadance’s and Shining Armor’s love, but whatever.

I just stopped caring.

The captain of the Changelings tells Chrysalis that she is needed immediately and Chrysalis follows the captain, her patience growing thin. However, it turn out that the Changeling was setting a trap for Chrysalis so that Starfleet could catch her.

Starfleet battles Chrysalis, but despite her weakened state, easily overpowers them.

During the course of the fight, Starla finds out that it was all just a big misunderstanding! Oh, boy! I’m glad that was worked out…

Oh, wait! NO, I’M NOT!

And Chrysalis gets away after they kiss and make up and we end up where we started. Lightning and Starla on trial.

The Grand Ruler and Celestia come up with some bullshit about listening to one another or something like that. And then they are sentenced.

Oh, I’m ready.

Let the beheading commence!

As punishment, Lightning and Starla were sentenced to one-hundred hours of community service each, and one full week of extra hard training.

… That’s it? … No execution? …

I’m so ronrey. So ronrey.

So ronrey and sadry arone.

The next episodes are called the Goddess of Gold and it’s a two parter about Rarity basically becoming the pony equivalent of King Midas.

If you have no idea what that is, basically she becomes a greedy bitch who has the power to turn everything she touches into gold. Hey, don’t be praising it yet. You ever try to wipe your ass with a golden tissue?!

Hurts like shit!

The episode starts with a mare walking into Rarity’s shop and basically calling her a commoner.

Well, hey… That’s kind of what she is. I don’t see you doing anything special. Who the fuck do you think you are madam?

That’s right! Her da fuck da ya tink ya R?!

What gets me about this character who comes the fuck out of nowhere is, she literally comes the fuck out of nowhere. No backstory, no identity, we don’t even learn her name and yet this brings Rarity to depression. Look, I know words are harsh, but the character doesn’t even get a name! That’s how important she is! Who is she to tell you how to feel, Rarity?! Where’s the Rarity I know who would never let a bitch like that get away with nothing?!

There she is. That’s the Rarity I know and love.

See, I’m not always an insensitive prick! See that Equestria?! I ain’t such a heartless bastard now, ain’t I?

“Why can’t the rich ever except others for who they are instead of being so pompous?”

Because of stereotypes.

So, Rarity, being distraught by what a random pony told her, yeah, sounds like half the people on Fimfiction, decides to look up a book on treasure hunting.

Okay, ignoring the fact that Rarity has a gemstone locater on her forehead and the fact that apparently magic can be used outside of battle and for nonmedical issues, as demonstrated by our friend, Buddy Rose, why the hell is she looking up treasure maps?!

If there were treasure maps in a library, you honestly think that nopony would be looking for them! Really?! Do you think Equestria is full of idiots?!

Oh, wait. Dumb question. Of course you do.

However, they fail to find anything in Twilight’s library. Oh, look! We found common sense in this story!  Now, don’t you go running away again!

So, they get to Zecora’s hut where she starts speaking her rhymes.

“To find da treasure dat you seek,

Listen to da spirits as dey speak

Open your mind, open it well

And hear what da spirits have to tell.”

It’s funny, as soon as Zecora starts talking, she doesn’t bother me. Whereas Rhymey has the opposite effect. Why is that? Because … well… Rhymey’s an asshole. Screw you, I can not like him without a reason if I want.

Actually, the biggest reason is the why of Rhymey’s rhyming. There’s no logic to it. He just does it because… he does. With Zecora, maybe that’s just a normal speech pattern for a zebra or the whole country in general.

So, Zecora summons the disembodied head of a human… Yeah, I don’t get it either and asks the spirit to help them find a treasure.

The disembodied head, who I am going to name Brad, tells the group that if they decide to go on this treasure hunt, than misfortune will fall upon them.

Fuck Miss Fortune. Her ult gets me every fucking time!

Anyway, Rarity says that nopony will love her if she doesn’t do this, even though every pony tries to talk her out of it.

So, since they fail to talk Rarity out of it, they decide to join her. Oh, and here I was hoping that maybe, MAYBE, we could go one episode without your dumbass unicorns! But no, Lightning apparently goes with Twilight, Spike and Rarity! Well, whoopity-do-da! Because it’s not like he has any other responsibilities like PROTECTING NEW EQUESTRIA FROM A CHANGELING INVASION THAT APPARENTLY NEEDS TO HAVE MARSHAL LAW ENFORCED BECAUSE IT’S SUCH A BIG PROBLEM!

I’m sick of using all caps for everything! Would you please try with this?! Please?!

So, the group follows a white line that I guess the spirit drew for them at some point and make their way across the land.

Oh and they run into some Diamond Dog, the ironically named kind.

You know, in case you were wondering what happened on their trip. Oh, you want to see the whole scene? I don’t know, guys. There is still a lot to this story I have to get through.

…

Well, okay. But don’t say I don’t ever give you what you want.

They ran into some Diamond Dogs on the way. The big brutes were prepared to bust them all them all good for trespassing on their turf, but Lightning made quick works out of them and gave them quite the beatings they deserved. Rarity also knocked some of them unconscious too. Her Starfleet training was starting to show its colors.

Wow… A whole paragraph.

That’s… that’s the most action. The most action.

I mean, really? There’s just not caring and then … there’s this. I don’t even know what to call it at this point. Going through the motions? Or should I just calling it ‘sleep writing’ or ‘writing subconsciously’ because there was no thought put into this part whatsoever. It was just, ‘Stuff needs to happen! Throw some shit in there’.

I mean, oh my god! I haven’t read something this bad since… last week. Yeah, I got nothing.

So after looking around a bit, with no sense of time or how far they’ve traveled, they end up finding the treasure. Yeah, I bet you thought it was going to be hard or challenging! Ha, ha, ha! Take me with you!

She puts on what appears to be an old collar that they find, hoping it would reveal some kind of treasure, which at first, it doesn’t.

However, after touching a flower, Rarity discovers she has the power to turn anything she touches into gold.

Now, this is stupid for a reason. In the original myth, Midas was giving the power of the golden touch. There was no artifact involved in it and that’s was what the major issue with it was.

In this story, Rarity has an artifact that can help her transform things into gold.

The big difference, you might be asking?

Well, in King Midas’s case, he has no way of removing such power from his body without help. So, he can’t eat food. Drink wine. Or hug his daughter.

Rarity? All she needs to do is take the fucker off. Problem solved.

It takes away from any conflict this story might have with a simple removing of the collar and therefore hurting the moral of the original story.

But hey, maybe this is a way that Mykan thought of that works and I just haven’t seen it yet. So, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.

Because that has proven to be not disappointing in the slightest.

I don’t need your sass right now, Computer!

Rarity returns to the other, sitting down for lunch I guess… Back in Ponyville?

So, Rarity shows off her magic powers and Twilight doesn’t seem that impressed.

Twilight was amazed too. She never found any magic that could do things like this before. “Well, I do think it’s nice, Rarity, but I prefer my paper plates the way they are.”

Are you kidding? Every single paper plate has got to be about 5 ounces worth of gold!

We’re talking money coming out of my ears! I’m talking Scrooge McDuck kind of wealth!

Yo, Rarity! I can take Twilight’s share!

However, Rarity quickly discovers that she can’t eat or drink. So she decides to take the ring off.

“Something’s wrong. I can’t seem to find the catch.” she cried. “Help me!”

Oh, so, there is no way to take it off.

Rarity couldn’t get the ring off, and everything she touched would to turn to platinum. Everything! She wouldn’t be able to eat either, and if she couldn’t eat… she’d die! She was Rarity, the mare with the platinum touch.

As long as I don’t have to read any more about her in this story, I’m okay with arranging her funeral!

So, the group ends up trying a number of things to get the metallic ring off Rarity, but end up finding nothing. Rarity, ashamed of what she has caused, runs off on her own.

But not before going to Spike and Twilight, standing outside their door and wishing them goodbye. And, oh, if you thought that sentence by itself was stupid, take a gander at this…

“Rarity…! Rarity, please don’t go!” cried Spike as he tried to follow her, but Twilight held him back, and they both watched until Rarity had gone completely out of sight.

Spike began to cry softly, and Twilight hugged him warmly, with her own tears falling.

Follow her?

…

…

Follow her?!

…

…

FOLLOW HER YOU ASS… Whatever…

So, the next day a search party begins to look for Rarity. EVEN THOUGH…

Anywoot, while that’s going on, the Diamond Dogs… Hey, remember them? Remember them in the last chapter? Remember what they did in the last chapter?

HUH?! BECAUSE I SURE AS FUCK DON’T!

They attack the city of Ponyville with an army! Yeah, you … you just keep doing your thing story. You just keep flopping around… Like a fish… a live fish… on a table.. Just… flopping… Gasping for air.

The fight starts going badly for our Starfleet Warriors. May I remind you it is fucking Diamond Dogs they are fighting?! And I’m not saying that Diamond Dogs are stupid creatures. They just aren’t very smart if Rarity was able to outwit them with her whining. … Actually, now that I say it out loud that is totally what I am saying.

DIAMOND DOGS ARE STUPID and you’re saying that an army of them is too much to handle?! This makes it even more confusing why Chrysalis just doesn’t send a whole fucking army and take over Equestria?!

*Diamond Dog watches Critique’s bigotry*

Spike manages to get out of the city and tries to convince Rarity to come back home. However, Rarity accidently turns Spike into a golden statue. Shit, where is the mask that the Tinman has when you really need it?

We cut back to our heroes, who are about to be beaten by Diamond Dogs. This would have been really embarrassing. And yet, very satisfying.

However, Rarity shows up, being okay with Spike being a statue now for some reason, and shows off her power!

Yeah, now that would be awesome!

She threatens the Diamond Dogs with the powers of the golden touch and the Diamond Dogs run off. Well, at least they were competent villains for a few seconds.

But… Oh, no. What’s his name is still a statue!

However, thanks to the spirit of the treasure, who for some reason is there now.

I’m not questioning it, why should you?

Brad asks if Rarity understands what greed can do to a pony and Rarity replies that she does. So, Brad gives Spike a free get out of death free card and everypony is happier. Except for me of course. I’m only on chapter 12.

Our next episode shows the Grand Ruler and Celestia inviting Lightning and Twilight to the ballet as part of their … cultural training?

Yeah, just like I play video games as part of my tactical training! Fire Emblem, Super Mario, even Duck Hunt are the master strategists of life!

That makes no sense, sir.

Hey, if you get into a situation where a Gooma is coming at you, how would you know what to do without Mario?! Huh?! If a dog is laughing at you for not hitting those ducks, how to get him to stop laughing?! If a man summons a meteor to destroy the planet so that he can merge with it to satisfy his mother, how will you equip yourself with the materia you need to whip his ass?!

I rest my case.

We cut to Starla and Twilight and you might as well hit me now because I’m sure there is a sexist joke somewhere in this scene.

Ha! Came prepared this time! Still stings though…

Starla, after double-clicked her insignia, changed into her favorite ball gown which was pink, with ruffled shoulders, and long white gloves. Half of her beautiful long mane was piled on her in a beautiful bun, and a few threads dangled out front softly draping over her shoulders.

That’s adorable… That’s fucking adorable… Story, you’re cute, man. It’s cute how you think you’re trying. No. It’s cute.

Jesus Christ, I could just see a scene where the Grand Ruler is talking to the manufacturer of the suit he commissioned.

Manufacturer: Grand Ruler, this says that you want a setting on your suits to give you the power to make a dress appear in place of the armor?

Grand Ruler: Yes, we shall need it! You never know when one of my unicorns will need to play the role of Princess Peach.

Manufacturer: And it says you want it to be a… unisex suit?

Grand Ruler: Don’t question me, damn you! If Luigi can dress up as Princess Peach, so can we! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a dress for Queen Elizabeth I on top of Big Ben in a helicopter, after I call her on my cellphone.

Meanwhile, the Changelings are building… another robot?

Okay, if this gets us into another philosophical debate about whether killing the bad guys is right or not, I’m going to vomit!

They meet Rhymey and Fluttershy at the ballet and Rhymey says…

Rhymey nodded and said…

“The ballet is such a poetic place,

It brings a smile right to my face.

The music plays, and dancers go on

It’s poetry in motion, and ever so on.”

Okay, another reason why Zecora’s rhyming doesn’t bother and Rhymey’s does. Zecora, while still a bit racist, doesn’t rhyme the same fucking words like Rhymey does! Seriously, this is the second time I’ve show this! First it was rhyming ‘me’ with ‘me’ and then he rhymes ‘on’ and ‘on’!

Is the author just trying to make me hate Rhymey even more?! If that’s the case… Good job.

They could see everything, except Spike, if he wasn’t sitting on Twilight’s head. “Just don’t mess up my mane.” she said.

Well, glad to see that Twilight is fully in character. I mean, at least from Mykan’s viewpoint.

You know, this is a little unbearable for me as a fan of Twilight Sparkle. So I’m going to give this character a new name. I thought about ’Lightning’s Bitch’, but that title belongs to Starla. So, instead I’m going to call her ‘Dimwit Daisy’.

Daisy and the group watch the ballet and…

It’s the Grand Ruler’s origin story?!

Okay, it doesn’t actually say that, but for how similar it is, it might as well be! Even the story agrees with me! Look!

Celestia and Grand Ruler took an immediate shine to the story. It was almost exactly identical to their past lives. Celestia had tears in her eyes at some of the sad parts. Her husband passed her a hankie.

Nope! You can’t make me, story! I won’t do it! I won’t! I will not!

So, anyway, the robot attacks the ballet and Starfleet attacks them while the Grand Ruler makes his moves on Celestia.

Um… I’ll just stay here out of the way.” Fluttershy whimpered, but she was grabbed by Starla forced to join them on stage. “How do you expect to make the force cowering like this?” she scolded.

I’m starting to think Fluttershy was drafted.

I should be madder at this, but I think this story has broken my mad button.

The group ends up outwitting the thing by… dancing?

Lightning went after the robot next, by himself, and decided to show off a little foot work of his own. “Master!” he called up. Grand Ruler nodded, and his golden horns began to glow, extreme music filled the air giving Lightning a feel for dancing.

Lightning began to dance, twirl, flip, and kick his legs skillfully which helped him dodge the robot, and gave him the opening to strike it hard, rendering it weaker and weaker, and finally damaging its legs, and exposing the energy core in its backside.

I’m sorry, everypony. I need a minute…

*Several months later*

Okay… I’m back…

You were gone for a minute and 35 seconds. Take off the fake beard.

Party pooper?!

So, they defeat the robot and we cut to the Changelings where the captain plays dumb when asked by Chrysalis what is going on. You know, it’s just occurred to me that as evil as Chrysalis is ‘supposed’ to be. She really hasn’t done anything.

Another day in New Ponyville

Another chapter to kill more brain cells.

Daisy, Rainbow Dash and Lightning do some training when suddenly, Krysta’s husband.

Don’t ask. Just go with it.

Krysta’s husband arrives with her snotty brat, Twink.

“But Dad…” Twink tried to argue, but his mother wouldn’t hear of it. “Twink, you’re still very young.”

“I was talking to Dad if you don’t mind.” snapped Twink

You know, I like this kid. He treats Krysta the way she deserves to be treated. With contempt.

The group tells Twink that they all had troubles before and then we get a flashback to when Daisy and the others first signed up for Starfleet. Oh, joy of joys. This is going to hurt.

So, we go through a military montage with the main six looking like idiots. Again, not getting mad here because this is something I’d expect from someone who hates the show. So, getting mad at him showing off that he knows nothing about the show, cares nothing for the characters and has no respect for the fans would be pretty much moot at this point.

But don’t you worry everypony. There is so much more I can rage about.

Like the dialogue.

“Yes, Rainbow you were fast.” said Grand Ruler “But you must learn to excel even beyond your built in limitations. Move with purpose and clear direction. Cockiness is the key step towards blundering.”

Um… she did have a clear purpose and direction. It was to get from one end of the track to the other. Direction? Yes. Purpose? To test ones limit in a speed test.

So, purpose and clear direction make no sense here! Our great hero everypony! Were your eyes just closed when you tested Rainbow Dash or something?!

Fluttershy already felt nervous to the point of wanting to quit and run, but her friends wouldn’t hear of it and dragged her back each time.

Ah-ha! I was right! She was drafted! … So, is this desertion? Isn’t that punishable by death?

So, Fluttershy gets the death penalty?

Please? For her sake and mine?

Rarity was easily the worst student who had the hardest time fitting in. Not a single session went by that she hadn’t complained about having to get dirty or do things without the aid of her magic, such as heavy lifting or performing tasks, dodging things like paint blobs as if they were projectiles and getting splatted every time…

Geez, it’s almost like Rarity wouldn’t want to be a soldier, roughing it everywhere she went! See, I’m not as stupid as I look?

...

Don’t you say a word?!

And then we get this stupid line…

Even when it came to a steaming-tank, it wouldn’t be good on her. At first, she felt excited about getting a good steam session. “A good steaming shall help me recover from all these hard endures I have been through.”

But Lightning smirked at her, and waited until she got inside and he locked her in to tell her. “You won’t be thinking that in a moment. This is no ordinary steaming tank. These steam jets can burn through solid steel in a matter of seconds.”

Yeah… I’m going to let this one sink in for a moment… Take it all in… Just take it all…

Good. Okay. Now, I’m going to give the story a chance to justify this moment. Okay, story. Hit me with your best shot.

“THIS IS UTTERLY INSANE!” she squealed, but all Lightning did was stare at her amusingly with his arms folded and said “How do you think we fighters got to be so tough?”

So… the idea of this steam chamber is to toughen ponies by introducing them to elements that can burn them alive without any kind of protection? Yeah. That makes sense. I mean, I’m sure this is how they do it in the military. They shoot their guys! Yeah, that makes perfect sense! To make sure that our guys don’t die in battle, they shoot them, let them recover and by theory, they shoot them again, until one day they can take bullets in battle like fucking Superman!

Yep! You got it, story! You really got it this time!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

So, after that… I don’t even know what…  Lightning decides to show everypony up by going through the most dangerous obstacle course known to man!

He demonstrated by going through one of the hard courses, which he had gone through many times. It was a simple spread divided into four parts. The objective was to hop along a series of tall small pillars overlooking a deep fall, while at the same time small, harmless darts, cannon balls, and spiked logs would come at him to try to trip him up.

We get a youtube video about Lightning’s amazing skill he uses to overcome the obstacle course. Let me show you, it’s rather fascinating.

So… the most difficult obstacle course of all time… can be completed… by a simple game… of hopscotch?!

Okay. Mykan. Buddy. Friend. I want to ask you a question. No sarcasm, no bullshit, none of that. Just straight up man to man conversation.

In all honesty.

What did you really think was going to happen? What was your thought pattern? Was this really your best foot forward? Did you really think that years and years and years later ponies would be analyzing this scene and saying “Hopscotch. The next tactical mind of our time.” “How did he do it?” “So many layers in which is works.”

We should be holding it up to the other tactical geniuses of the world.

George S. Patton

Erwin Rommel

Alexander the Great

Guy who invented Hopscotch.

Of course. I mean, I think I saw that on the History Channel one time when they were discussing Sun Tzu’s book, the Art of War.

What? It makes about as much sense as the timeline in Brother of the Corpse Bride did.

So… In case any of you are still… remotely interested in what happens next, we then get another montage of training where they practice shooting at targets. And if you guys thought I was mean to Rainbow Dash… well, I am, but let’s see how this story treats her.

She hit every single target that came at her-- every… single… one! She had hit all the evil creatures, but because she was careless and didn’t take the time to think, she shot innocent creatures-- colts walking to school… old mares on a bench… even a stallion that was being held hostage.

“I don’t get it. I mean, they’re just cardboard.” Rainbow said.

… Okay. What the hell? Rainbow Dash has never shown herself to care so little about innocent, DON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE MARE DO WELL EPISODE!

Even then, she still helped other ponies before claiming praise!

You know what? Never mind. I don’t know what I was thinking of accomplishing with this.

Or what about Daisy?

Grand Ruler gazed down at her. “You need to take the time to use your head before you ever use magic, or a weapon.”

Twilight tried to protest that she hit every target, but all Grand Ruler rebuffed her and said “That does mean anything. All you did was use your magic. What you did in there was reckless, and completely irresponsible.”

You starting to get a feel of how completely bullshit this whole training segment is? It just goes on and on like this, demeaning the characters without any real context to them. Okay, Rainbow Dash accidently shooting innocents. Something to get upset about. Doesn’t seem realistic, but hey, whatever.

But what about the rest of the failures? What is even the context of the training? Yes, Daisy used her magic, but according to your own damn law, she could use magic in battle! And it never says that it was to be anything, but “TRAINING”! It doesn’t say what kind of training, what she is supposed to focus on, the rules, what to do versus what not to do, instincts. Nothing. It has nothing to offer us except, “This is my training and I can make up what I want.”

And for those of you who are saying “Oh, you’re just upset that the main six is looking like idiots!”

Yes, but that’s not the problem with this scene! Even if you replace every single one of the main six with a different character, the problem is the same! The failures have no context in them because it is never clear what the characters are supposed to focus on! He’s just making up the rules as he goes! There has to be some kind of logic to this kind of thing, man! A plan? A goal? And maybe the means of which to execute that goal?!

So, they fail their tests and Celestia has a plan to set up a ‘mock mission’ for them. Yes, I’m spoiling it for you since it was so incredibly subtle.

Celestia did think they were, perhaps, a little harsh on them, but her husband assured her it okay. “She’ll learn, trust me. She will come round. I have faith in her, just as you do. Besides, I have an idea.”

You want to know what the mock test is? You really want to know? You really really want to know?

Okay. Here it goes.

A fire breaks out in a home and the Grand Ruler and Celestia send Daisy and her group to fix it. Daisy sees a family inside and tries to help them. However, the Grand Ruler orders Daisy to worry about the fire first.

So, since Dimwit Daisy is a dimwit, she follows the orders of the Grand Ruler and puts out the fire, sacrificing the innocent lives in the building.

The Grand Ruler, our hero.

It turns out that Daisy had not seen there was a box of gunpowder that if she had not quenched would have exploded injuring a lot of ponies.

So, the big lesson is, don’t try to save everyone. Don’t even try. If some ponies are going to die, let them die. It doesn’t matter if they are innocent or not, don’t even try.

I fucking hate this story.

And so yeah, apparently that story is what causes Twink to stop being a brat.

This story is too hard to get through and I need a break. Here’s a cute video of a cat while I try to clear my head.

Come on, everypony, smile, smile, smile. Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine…

Oh… Um… Let’s continue.

So, our next episode begins with a prison break

What?

And Daisy and her friends are being sent to investigate. It turns out that many of the prisoners are caught trying to escape. So, it’s not really that much of a prison break.

And our group meets the warden of the prison.

The message was sent by the chief warden, Major Cerise Wonder. She was a pink alicorn who bared a strong resemblance to Princess Cadance, only her mane was all violet with no extra streaks, and she also had a golden horn, just like Lightning did, which meant she was capable of using the uniforce! It was part of helped her secure her job, as most of the prisoners feared her because of it.

YEH! OTAY! DATS GOOD! NA, DATS GOOD! IT’S TOTALLY FINE! I’M FINE! ARE YOU FINE?! IS EVERYPONY FUCKING FINE?! BECAUSE I’M FUCKING NINE! I’M RHYME! I’M SO TIME THAT I’M LIME!

So, they get to the planet of the prison, don’t ask, don’t care and they discover that the warden has been taken over by a changeling.

… What?

You know guys, if you are going to have a high security prison, shouldn’t the warden be able to withstand the Changeling possessing their bodies?! Or for that matter, how about some researching into defense techniques or abilities to help in this?! Oh, I forgot! This is the Grand Ruler’s kingdom! The one that couldn’t even defeat the stupid Diamond Dogs!

So, the main six and Cadance (who went with them for some reason) get captured easily by the changelings. Sure, why not?

But fortunately, Lightning is there to save the day!

Oh, Lightning, thank you so much for saving us poor, helpless girls!

… Jesus FUCK!

Lightning however battles the changeling, only to end up getting his ass kicked. You know, I’m starting to like where this story is going.

So, the changelings hook up Cadance to the machine and begin their countdown to doomsday.

I could only be so lucky.

Lightning and Daisy come up with the idea and convince the other prisoners that Chrysalis will betray them in the end. And yet, these are the ponies that put you in prison to begin with. Lesser of two evils?

But no. Rather than help Chrysalis, they decide to let Daisy and her friends go without any logical reason of why they would!

I’m not saying that what they did was wrong, but I’m saying I don’t know how or why they came to that conclusion!

They have a huge brawl, which is so poorly written I can’t tell what the fuck is going on, but who cares they stop the gun from destroying a planet or something, and they all go home. Jesus, we’re actually finally at the halfway mark!

And if you think it gets better after this… You weren’t the only one.

The next episode shows the Cutie Mark Crusaders gathering at Sweet Apple Acres for a big party. Inviting the entire team of Starfleet. Applejack spends all day in the kitchen.

Huff… I hate this story…

Making a big feast for everypony. The Cutie Mark Crusaders arrive late and find a bag of cookies that the Applejack was saving for later. Without asking permission, they decide to help themselves to it.

Still more accurate than Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners! No, I will not let it go!

But, uh oh! It turns out that those cookies were specially made for Celestia and the Grand Ruler! And everypony starts panicking!

Oh, no! If Celestia doesn’t get her cookies, well… She’s been known to do things…

Rhymey spoke severely to the girls…

“It’s all your fault, you’re all to blame.

These cookies weren’t yours, For Shame, For Shame!”

RHYMEY, THEY ARE FUCKING COOKIES! SUCK MY COCK, ASSHOLE!

Lightning felt it was partially his fault. “If only I had delivered the cookies when I knew I should have, none of this would’ve happened.”

My only hope is that this moment will make Lightning so depressed that the next scene will be him cutting his wrists.

So, our Cutie Mark Crusaders go out and buy boxes of cookies as an apology to Princess Celestia and the Grand Ruler. There, problem solved. We sure needed to dedicate an ENTIRE episode to this lesson!

Our next episode sees…

Chrysalis was in big trouble!

Oh my god! Chrysalis is in trouble! … Wait, isn’t she supposed to be the villain? … Why would we care at this point?

Over the past weeks she had sent a whole swarm of changelings to United Equestria to attack it all at once, but each and everyone one of them had been defeated and captured by Starfleet.

At this point I can’t tell who’s more a threat to the changelings. Starfleet, who defeats them, or Chrysalis, who send them off one at a time with no backup and no end goal.

Chrysalis and the captain had been rounding up every last changeling they could find from, but alas, even with the fortress guards, the gang was so small they didn’t even fill up a third of the throne room in the fortress.

Yeah, martial law really needed to be declared when they have maybe a couple of hundred of Changelings when Daisy and her friends could normally take on an entire army of them by themselves, but why would we want anything in this story to make sense?

Meanwhile, the captain of the Changelings decides to build another robot. Okay, how does he get the finances for ‘giant robot parts’ and cover them up?! I think they would have a treasury he’d have to go through to get them!

The robot then appears in New Ponyville. Well, that sure didn’t take long. Maybe the story is trying to end it as fast as it can.

I’m not even kidding. The story cuts from the captain building the robot to the robot attacks. My god, the pacing in this story is atrocious.

The robot, it turns out, actually can predict his enemy’s moves before they make them.

The heroes try to figure out how to stop it and we hear the story of an army of these robots that once attack Equestria and nearly defeated Celestia’s force. However, one pony (Mykan) stood up and defeated them. However, he has long since disappeared.

I have several questions.

One, how the hell did the changeling captain acquire them? Two, how the hell did he know how to put them back together? Three, where the hell did these things come from in the first place? Four, why is Daisy keeping information from the group that could save lives?

Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention that part? Daisy has more information on who the pony might be, but refuses to share it.

Twilight actually knew a little more of the story of that particular pony, but she kept all hints of it to herself as a promise she made to her brother and Cadance.

Why? What’s the point? You are always going on and on about how Daisy wants to save lives and suddenly she doesn’t care anymore! Oh, god! It’s the brainwashing of the Grand Ruler taking effect! FIGHT IT, DAISY!

So, they trick the robot underground where it’s completely dark an manage to defeat it by attack its blind spots.

So, why did we even mention the pony legend if… aw, screw it.

So, it turns out that the captain of the Changelings was a giant robot the entire time and he’d been using the changelings to his advantage.

Since he has all the information on Lightning and his friends he needs, he no longer needs to disguise himself from her and leaves. But not after beating the shit out of Chrysalis.

Well, thank you very much. I wanted a great villain to be defeat by a stupid one. Though with how Chrysalis has been acting this entire story, maybe she’s just as stupid.

So, it’s Fluttershy’s birthday. An episode staring Fluttershy? SOLD!

“What’s a… birthday?” Goldwin asked.

It’s a day where we celebrate your birth on the day of your birth… This episode is about you, isn’t it?

Tinman: Yes.

FUCK!

Yeah, this episode is about the Tinman getting a birthday. Oh, good. I’m sure glad the character who has appeared in all of THREE EPISODES AND HAS CONTRIBUTED NOTHING TO THE OVERALL STORY, HAD A BIRTHDAY! I was worried that concern would keep me up all fucking night!

And of course, Daisy is a dimwit.

It was the same story everywhere. Twilight wasn’t very pleased with what she found…!

At the Cake’s bakery, she found only simple treats were made, and Pinkie Pie, again, was sampling them, even though it was at Applejack’s request to see if they tasted good. She also didn’t approve of the berries Buddy Rose had brought from his garden to decorate some of the cakes, saying they were decent at best, but not shining which were classified the best.

The entertainment didn’t meet her standards either. Rhymey wrote a poem for Goldwin. Fluttershy was training her animal friends to do acrobatics, and others were all doing just simple things. What really got on Twilight’s nerves was that no one else had thought of any presents to give Goldwin.

By this time, everyone was getting fed up with Twilight’s bossiness and all decided to head off to lunch.

Oh, yeah. Thanks Daisy. I’m glad the happiness of a friend is more important than your happiness! Screw you, Daisy.

But of course, this is just more fuel to the fire of the ever extending hatred of Princess Twilight, which doesn’t make a lot of sense, since his least favorite character and the reason he hates the show so much is actually Princess Cadance.

Yeah, in a video that he made, he admitted that Princess Cadance was the reason he hated the show as much as he does. So, it really doesn’t make a lot of sense that he’s chosen Twilight as a punching bag.

But whatever, Daisy’s friends storm off.

“Can you blame them?” Lightning asked “I think I’m going to go join them. You’ve got some serious thinking to do, Princess!”

Well, excuse me, asshole!

So, they have the birthday party, Dimwit Daisy learns a lesson that nopony will remember, and we move on to the next episode that is a two part-er called Back from the Dead.

I don’t know why it would be called that. No one has yet died, despite the fact that killing in this universe seems to be okay.

The episode starts with Chrysalis discovering her entire army has been captured by Starfleet. You’d think she would have noticed the dwindling about of troops she has! Does she have nopony to manage her soldiers and supplies?! No wonder she’s losing as bad as she is! The fucking Diamond Dogs are a bigger threat than she is! And she’s supposed to be the main fucking villain!

We then cut to Cadance who is not in a happy mood because it turns out it’s her deceased brother’s birthday.

Gee, I sure hope this character comes back from the dead as a corpse who falls in love with Celestia and has a battle with the Grand Ruler in which both of them die. … Don’t know how that would work with a corpse though? Ah, I’m sure I could think of something. After all, if the author of this story doesn’t care, why should I?

The robots end up attacking the group and the bad guy, I don’t even know if he gets a name in this, explains his backstory for us.

That’s something else I’ve noticed about the writing in this story. Rather than have a flowing narrative where it take prioritizing time and place to explain certain elements in the story, he fucking cuts the action by explaining the character’s backstory.

It was the same thing with Titan and the Serpent Tyrant from the last story! And it fucking ruins the action because it interrupts it for a backstory that could have been told sooner or later! This wouldn’t be as bothersome if the backstory was told flowingly throughout the course of the battle. But no, it doesn’t do that either!

So, after the unimportant backstory is told, which is so pointless it makes me wonder why it was even written, the captain of the robots… God damnit! Give him a fucking name! Here’s his name! Mr. Roboto!

Mr. Roboto attacks with his army of robots and overpowers the group.

The army of New Canterlot tries to help, but they prove ineffective. Clearly the robots are using Diamond Dog technology and tactics.

I know I won’t let it go, but if it wasn’t so stupid, I wouldn’t be harping on it as much!

The captain was just ruthless as his men. Twilight and Lightning had suffered many beatings from him.

Huh… What? Oh… I’m sorry, I fell asleep during your ‘spectacular’ fight scene. No, continue. I promise I’ll pay attention this time.

Twilight tried as much of her magic as she could, but it had no effect on his magic-resistant armor and just slicked right off of him like water.

Mr. Roboto manages to back Starfleet into a corner and nearly defeats them. But thanks to the magic of contrivances, this scene happens.

“Activate… auto-destruct!” groaned the captain and all his robots did as they were told and destroyed themselves, much to everyone’s extreme confusion. Then the captain begged everyone “Please… destroy me! I can’t hold it back!”

What the hell?! This comes the fuck out of nowhere! We learn later that this guy is actually Cadance’s deceased brother (spoilers by the way) and that he actually cares about her! But here’s the thing, Cadance is in Canterlot, not fucking Ponyville! If she had shown up, yeah, that’d be one thing! But she’s never in this scene! So, there is no reason why he should have restrained himself, other than ‘I need a way to get my heroes out of this, because they aren’t clever enough. And quite frankly, neither am I.’

And yeah, Cadance showing up would have been pretty damn contrived too, but it would have made more sense!

The armor falls off and it is discovered that Mr. Roboto is a pony.

The captain had taken a huge beating. His armor as scratched, he sparked a little bit and a couple of wires were sticking out of him. Yet he just stood there, quivering softly while angrily glaring at them all. “This is our chance.” Lightning said “Everyone ready?”

The two teams and the army of guards stood ready, and began to power up for the kill.

We don’t kill Changelings, but give us a pony and we’ll fire the fuck out of him! Even though he might be an innocent victim and we shouldn’t even try to help him!

Celestia and Cadance manage to get to get a message to Daisy and the others, via psychic powers, I don’t know, and stop them from killing off an innocent victim. Mr. Roboto uses their hesitation to get away.

When our ‘heroes’ get back to the palace, they have some choice words to say to Celestia and Cadance.

Even Twilight was cross and baffled with her teacher and sister-in-law. “Now he has a chance to repair himself. And he’ll be back and even stronger than ever.”

“No puedo creer esto! What’s wrong with you two!” growled Dyno.

“Never would I ever be ashamed of my own queen and a princess.” snarled Myte. All the friends started to extend their anger towards Celestia and Cadance.

How about all of you piss the fuck off?!

“QUIET!!!” Grand Ruler shouted, and the whole room feel silent with everyone gazing at him.

Okay. One point to the Grand Ruler. I feel sick about doing so.

So, yeah, we find out that this guy is Cadance’s brother.

Wonderful, another original character I could give less of a shit about.

So, Celestia explains the backstory of Cadance’s brother and what better way to do that than in song.

Just replace Twilight with Cadance and Shining with Mr. Roboto and that’s basically it.

However, the robots show up from earlier and Celestia and Cadance see that Mr. Roboto had been possessed by the robots and he had begged them to kill him.

They didn’t of course. So, it’s not really coming back from the dead as it is faking his death. Whatever, I don’t care.

Of course this raises some questions, like WHY THE HELL DIDN’T MR. ROBOTO JUST TAKE OVER EQUESTRIA BACK THEN?!

It’s not like he was badly beaten! Nopony could defeat him! Nothing could stand in his way! Why the fuck did he retreat WHEN HE WAS WINNING?! Dear lord, this story is stupid!

The Grand Ruler orders the destruction of the creature and everyone, of course, agrees to it.

“A real life is at stake.” Starla said.

Yeah, that didn’t seem to stop you before, bitch.

Meanwhile, Chrysalis devours what little magical energy she was able to save and transforms into Super Chrysalis. Yeah, apparently, that’s a thing in this story.

Chrysalis attacks the city and the Starfleet heroes go to confront her. Before they leave however, the Grand Ruler, spur of the moment, gives our heroes new armor and weapons. … WHY DIDN’T HE DO THAT BEFORE?!

IF HE HAD MORE ADVANCED WEAPONS AND ARMOR FOR THEM TO USE, WHY THE FUCKING HELL DID HE WAIT SO LONG TO GIVE IT TO THEM?!

GRRR… Anyway, they fight Chrysalis and starts kicking their asses. WHY THE HELL DID CHRYSALIS WAIT SO FUCKING LONG TO ATTACK THEM IF SHE’S POWERFUL ENOUGH TO… Forget it, I don’t care.

Buddy Rose went first with his whip, which could now extend at his command, “VINE WHIP, EXTEND!”

Dude, Buddy! I do not want to know about your ‘vine whip’!

After the battle, Chrysalis escapes and our heroes rejoice. They say that there are only two major threats left in the cosmos, just Chrysalis and Mr. Roboto.

And of course, me, since I am officially declaring war on New Canterlot. My evil plan is to send one monster at a time to destroy a group of heroes who struggle against said one monster, but manage to defeat it just barely. And I will do this until I run out of monsters and just do it myself, but they will be so powerful that I will end up losing in the end.

What, I’m sure Titan and Chrysalis would agree that…

Continued in Part 3