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The Critique

by spideremblembrony

Chapter 46: Mykanuary: My Little Unicorn Season 2 Part 1

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The Critique

The Critique

by spideremblembrony

Chapters

The First Chapter

The morning sun shined in through the window, disturbing the lonely, pathetic soul that hid under the covers, desperately trying to sleep the day away. As the lights hit his eyes, they twitched as he rolled over, now half awakened from his pleasant dreams. The birds began chirping their melodies as if to welcome the day with smile. Something that the earth pony buried under the sheets was unable to imitate.

“Hell…” he grumbled to himself as he rolled to the wall away from the western window. The dogs in the next yard over were already restless, barking and howling at seemingly nothing. He had once thought about shoving a fork up their nose, but dismissed the thought for fear of lawsuit. He already had enough trouble on his hooves maintaining his library. He didn’t need to anymore unnecessary problems.

The sun was merciless as it continued to pummel him as if to push him out of bed. He placed his head on his pillow trying to block out the sun and the noise, but to almost no avail. All he wanted to do was lay in bed for the rest of the day, for getting out of bed meant work. And work, was something he both enjoyed and dreaded.

A computerized female voice then came over him. “Sir, are you not going to get up today?”

“Leave me alone, Computer,” he grumbled under the pillow, causing his voice to be muffled. “I’m sleeping in today.”

“Sir, it is 10:25 A.M,” Computer pointed out. “The library was supposed to be open 25 minutes ago.”

He pulled his head out from under his pillow and looked to the ceiling above him, as if there was somepony there. “Nopony reads books anyway. It’s all about the internet now.”

The voice seemed to come from nowhere, but the sound vibrated all around him. “Regardless, it is your responsibility to maintain this library as was foretold by your ancestor.”

He rolled his eyes as he laid his head flat on his pillow. “Yeah, I get to maintain a library nopony ever comes to.” He placed his face on top of his pillow muffling his voice again. “Woopty freaking doo!”

His ancestor foretold that their family would watch over this library for all of eternity. He didn’t understand why or what was so special about this library to his family. Or even why he got stuck with it, when his two brothers were left to run their lives as they pleased. At the very least, he had Computer to back him up. He couldn’t even make his own meal, let alone run the place, without her.

After a few minutes of cursing under his breath, he finally pulled himself out of his bed. He rubbed his eyes in exhaustion, letting out a deep yawn. He looked towards his nightstand and picked out his glasses. He placed the black framed spectacles over his face, with his once blurry eye sight clearing. He looked down the small flight of stairs to see the library below him. It once belonged to a very famous pony, and now it was his. And he hated it.

He hated every waking moment he spent in the library. There was always a book that just ticked him off and made him angry at how poorly it was written. He had spent years trying to perfect his writing only for him to be ignored or completely disregarded. He couldn’t even get a damn publisher. And yet, for every book he tried to publish, another author, one who clearly lacked the basic concept of grammar, was being published, even though millions of spelling errors existed.

He eventually gave up his writing days and focused on maintaining the library. It was a rather boring existence. Save for his Computer, he didn’t have any friends he could share his stories with, or even vent to. He made his way to the dresser and pulled out a long purple scarf from the first drawer. He didn’t own many clothes and even if he did, he didn’t care to wear them. He only cared about the scarf his grandmother made him. He wrapped it around his neck, just loose enough to keep it from chocking him.

He made his way down the staircase and into the small kitchen to his right.

A little breakfast might get me to think straight, he thought as he slunk to the kitchen. As he poked his head inside, he noticed the book he had left on the table from the night before. It was a horribly written book and the plot was not much better. The grammar was all over the place and the spelling ranged from decent to utter crap. Overall, the story was far from entertaining. In fact, he’d go as far as to say it was the worst thing he had ever read.  

He glanced up to the ceiling. “Computer?”

“Yes, sir?”

He looked down at the book in front of him. “Is there anything important on my agenda today?”

“None at the moment. You are simply to maintain the library for the remainder of the day.”

He smiled as he picked up the book in one of his hooves. “Then I guess I’ll have to give myself something to do.” He made his way back to the living room, completely forgoing his breakfast. He placed the book on the ground and sat himself in front of it. “Computer, make notes of my review, please.”

“As always, sir,” Computer replied as a camera appeared from the ceiling and pointed itself straight at the earth pony.

He smiled as if the camera was already on. He had been waiting to dig into this book for a while now. He just hadn’t had the will yet. Now, he was ready. He opened the book in front of him and looked to the camera. As he saw the green light flash on, he gave a big smile.

“Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.”

Exile of Daimon

Author’s Note: Before we begin, I’ve been meaning to mention my new Skype account. I have no idea how to work the thing and frankly I don’t really spend a lot of time on it, but it is a really fast and convenient way to get in touch with me if you need to, since I don’t really spend that much time on FIMFiction for one reason or another. The name is, of course, Fireemblemspider and if you want to invite me as a friend, feel free to do so. Or if you’d rather ignore this part of the text, that’s fine too.

Warning: This review contains vulgar language. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And welcome to another edition of my reviews. The reason why you are all here is because you want to hear me rant and rave about a new story in my library. And boy, do I have a special surprise for you all. This one travels around with a human character and his journey to Equestria. Again, this is a human going to Equestria story. I give you permission to roll your eyes and groan now, although some of you have probably already done so.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with these kinds of stories. I am under the belief that any story can work well if the right pony is writing it or coming up with ideas. The problem with most of these stories is that the wrong pony is writing it and this pony, whether on purpose or not, does not know what makes a solid, three dimensional character.

And creating new characters that appeal to so many can be difficult sometimes. I myself have struggled in this department. As of yet, I have heard of no wrongs with my own characters, but that could be just because the right author hasn’t come around to tell me otherwise. But I’m not here to talk about my piece of shit stories, just everypony else’s… Does that seem hypocritical to you?

Anyway, the story we are here to talk about is called The Exile of Daimon by Dillena Monger

It’s a story about redemption and how Daimon (yes, it is our main character, I’ll be getting to him in a minute) achieves it. The story of redemption is nothing new. Main character either has a troubled past or has made some past mistakes that he was not proud of that either had immediate consciences or something that came back to bite him in the ass.

However, the redemption part of the story can be undermined if the character isn’t relatable or is just downright unlikable.

Yes, much like that terrible Adam Sandler movie I hate… Although that’s not saying much since I hate all Adam Sandler movies.

Anyway, if the character is too unlikeable, it is hard to sympathize with the character and if the audience doesn’t care about the character, the final redemption at the end doesn’t work. But will Daimon have better luck than Sandler? Well, let’s dig into Exile of Daimon and find out.

Again, if there are those of you want to read this before reading this review, there are spoilers. So I urge you to turn back. As for the rest of you…

The story starts with the glorification of Daimon. He is described to us as a smart, athletic, and perfect skinned boy, who can make any girl faun over him with but a thought. Yep, in the first sentence the author made us aware this is a Mary-Sue like character. Not a good way to start your story.

However, he is said to have flaws as a person, being a prankster on some people or just beating somebody up for no good reason.

He ‘accidently’, as the story puts it, kicks a kid in the back of the head during class. And the kid says nothing.

If they are in a classroom, then why the hell doesn’t one to of the students shout out that Daimon is being an asshole again and standing up on a chair?! Last I checked, teachers didn’t allow kids to stand up on their chairs for two reasons:

1: It’s called being a mature adult! If this kid is as old as the author says he is, there is no reason why he is standing up in his chair, other than to be immature.

2: There is a safety issue! What if Daimon were to fall and crack his head open? (Other than shorting this story) The school would most likely be sued because the teacher failed to take responsibility for the child. Is that fair? No, but it’s what most likely would happen!

Furthermore, he’s kicking a kid in the back of the head! Does the faculty of this school just not care or something?! They must have been getting how to run your school lessons from Flutterhulk.

Anyway, his friend asks him what he is doing after school. When Daimon doesn’t respond, his friend gives him a couple of suggestions.

“There are two very good options. First is this new arcade that opened just down the street,” said one of the three boys surrounding Daimon’s chair. “The other is… this new guy on the other class. He claims to be at our grade, but he likes those girly shows you said made you sick.”

1: “on” the other class? What the hell does that mean? I assume you mean ‘in the other class’, but that doesn’t make much sense either.

2: I don’t think a T.V show can make you sick just by watching it.

Oh, god… I don’t feel so good… I think I just got the flu just from that image…

Daimon then kicks the same kid in the back of the head. Seriously, why are the teachers at schools in these kinds of stories idiots?! Daimon then asks him if it is true that males watch My Little Pony.

The boy replies that he’s heard rumors about it and Daimon flips out that he is starting to be familiar with the characters, thanks to his sister watching the show.

“Maybe it’s time for him to see that they’re nothing more than horses at a girly show…”

Horses “at” a girly show? What is it with you and the word “in”? Did the word “in” kill your parents or something?

And why does this line make me think of this?

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Isn’t it nice when a reviewer reminds you that you could be watching another, better, more talented reviewer?

So after class, Daimon and his gang follow the kid who is rumored to like My Little Pony. The gang surrounds the kid and tells him that My Little Pony is just a girly show.

The kid replies…

“It has a proper history, with adventures and battles of its own way!”

What is with the poor literacy in this story?! “Of” its own way?! There is nothing wrong with the word “in”! Try using it of a sentence sometime! … Oh, shit! Now, he’s got me doing it!

So Daimon starts punching the kid repeatedly and tells him that he’s going to keep punching him until his arm get tired. Or you know, you send him to the hospital? This character’s actions are totally justified and completely relatable, wouldn’t you agree?

Yeah, me neither.

The victim (who is so unimportant that he isn’t even given a name) tells Daimon that he is just like Luna in the show.

Wrong. Try again.

The victim says that Daimon is just like Luna’s Nightmare Moon and that he can be saved like she was.

Still wrong. You want to know why? Here’s why. Daimon is being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole! There is no deep, dark hurt that Daimon is going through, other than the fact that is just a selfish, violent bully that has nothing to sympathize with.

Luna felt underappreciated and felt that she didn’t belong. With her sister hogging the spotlight, Luna felt that she was losing a special connection to her best friend and tried to compensate that loss with something else! She was facing the fear that she might never be loved like her sister and that dragged her into a depression that caused her to become Nightmare Moon.

There is no mentioning of Daimon being physically, psychologically, mentally, or spiritually tortured! The only thing that he is “tortured” from is the fact that his little sister watches My Little Pony! Other than that, he doesn’t get in trouble for the shit he does in school or outside it! There are no consequences to his actions!

Daimon knocks the kid out and then leaves him. Can you say lawsuit?

Daimon heads home and finds his little sister, Elisa, on his computer, watching My Little Pony.  He yells at his sister, but his mother asks him to let his little sister watch it. He agrees provided that his little sister wears headphones.

I’ll give this much to Daimon… He’s following what Mr. T said.

Anyway, later that night, Daimon gets a dream… (Seriously, how is it that every time a character goes to Equestria, it’s always in a dream first?) Anyway, in the dream, two alicorns appear. It’s never mentioned who they are and no, it’s not Celestia or Luna.

The two alicorns tell him about how they heard the cries of the boy he beat up and that they’ve come to answer the boy’s call. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s comforting to the fans of the show that living in poverty or in a dangerous part of the world. I understand that being beat up by someone is a big deal, but doesn’t that seem like a job for your parents or I don’t know, the police! Why do two freaking alicorns have to come to this kid when there are other kids who are probably in a lot worse shape than this guy?! I got beat up several times in school and no alicorns came to save my ass!

The alicorn then shoots the kid in the chest with a ball of light. Damn…  What happened to love and tolerance?

When you’re hurt in a dream you wake up, right?

“Most of times, yes,” said the mare that had hit him.

There are no quotation marks, so I have to assume that the alicorns can read minds. Anyway, the alicorns warn him that if he dies in this dream world, he dies in reality. Daimon, of course, doesn’t believe them. And what does this serve to the plot? I have no fucking idea, since he’s going to wake up and be in Equestria anyway!

The alicorns respond.

“No. I really don’t believe that you wanna to be proven wrong.”

“Wanna?” That’s grade A writing for ya.

So apparently the malevolent alicorns want to punish Daimon and teleport him to the world of Equestria, where he will stay until he learns …

“that his feelings shouldn’t be imposed into others”

What about all the other bad stuff he’s done before that?! They never even mention it! It’s like all the bad stuff he does means nothing, but the second he messes with bronies, he’s a criminal!

Kicking a kid in the back of the head?

Making fun of Luna?

Tormenting someone into doing your homework for you?

Forcing your opinion of a show you’ve only seen a few moments of onto another person?

Priorities? Yours are fucked up!

So he wakes up in a hospital room and the nurse tells him that Luna found him and brought him here.

Daimon freaks out and threatens the nurse with a club he made from a table leg. … Wait what? Since when did he become the freaking Hulk? Did his travel to another world suddenly give him super strength? I know he’s athletic, but I really have a hard time believing this!

Just as he is about to make his escape, Celestia arrives and disarms him. And what is the punishment for his acts of terrorism?

Well, according to that one random kid, he’s just like Luna, so that would make sense.

Anyway, Twilight Sparkle then appears explaining that Daimon has a strange magical force within him. He can conjure magic through each of his appendages, much like a unicorn can with theirs.

… Wait, what?!

How the hell would be he able to use magic?! There was no mention of it prior to this point?! Did traveling to Equestria not only give him super strength, but the abilities of magic as well?! This seems like a really stupid punishment! What’s to stop him from just taking over or just destroying Equestria, since Luna, in her infinite wisdom, decided to give him these powers?! Oh and just til you find out what these “magical powers” lead up to!

God, we are not even done with the first fucking chapter yet!

Anyway, Luna explains that magic doesn’t work in the human world and that’s why his magical powers haven’t arisen yet. … Okay, Luna. What makes Equestria different from Earth that he wouldn’t have access to his magical powers? … No answer. Well, then I’m calling bullshit on this!

Daimon starts yelling at the three, demanding that they send him home. However, Celestia and Luna refuse, saying that they want him to learn the lessons of friendship. Again, there are probably people that are starving to death in the human world and you want to waste time with this asshole! Great plan!

Luna charges Twilight with the responsibility of forcing the change on Daimon. Wait… They just berated him because he was forcing a change on somebody else! And now their plan is to force a change on him?!

Double standards are fun!

Daimon and Twilight were in a train directed to Canterlot. The human sat at the window and watched the scenery roll by. Twilight sat in front of him and seemed quite exited.

Exited? How does one seem exited?! God, get a proofreader!

Anyway, Twilight tries to start a conversation with him, but Daimon says that he’s not interested in friendship with this stupid line.

“Listen here, you,” he turned to face the lavender pony in the eye. “I’m not here to enjoy this ride. I’m not a guy of many friends and I like being myself just the way I am. If you dare to change that, I’ll be sure that your horn stays in somewhere else in no time. Got it?”

First off, you are the most handsome, athletic and smartest kid in school! There is no reason for you not to be popular because of those things, despite you being an asshole! Maybe the author was going for the fact that because you aren’t a good person, you won’t have many friends and that’s fine… But, the last chapter tells us that he could get any girl he wanted with just a flex of his muscles! Not to mention that, nobody acknowledges the bad stuff he does!

Secondly, we are supposed to relate to this guy?! How?! There is nothing there that justifies that him being an asshole! Yeah, he’s trapped in a show that he doesn’t like, but that’s not enough justification to act like a dick!

Third, is it really wise to upset somepony, who is your only chance home?!

Taken aback by the sudden assault at her, Twilight opened her wings as if preparing to fly, but haven’t took off.

God, I really need to stop cutting back to the narration, but it just proves how poorly written this is! I mean, seriously, “haven’t took off”?! Really?!

Twilight tells Daimon that their plan isn’t to change him, but to show him what true friendship is.

That’s not what was said in the last chapter! According to Princess Celestia, you and Fluttershy are to initiate a change onto him! Jesus, its only chapter two and this story is already starting to fall apart! Oh and forget about Fluttershy helping out, she doesn’t even appear in this story, making this completely pointless.

“Friendship… Wanna know what friendship is? It’s only a fancy and beautiful way to say ‘I will support you for the time being so I can have something in return in the long term’,”

How the hell does that translate into what we saw in previous scenes?! In the previous scene, your “supporters” followed you into beating up a kid! They never asked for anything from you and never stabbed you in the back and there was never anything to bring up bad experiences with your friendships! If there had been some sign that this was even brought up, it would be plausible, but there’s nothing to make the audience believe that this is justified other than, “I’m the author and you better believe what I say!”

Stories do not work that way!

Twilight wisely asks why Daimon believes that and Daimon explains that his mother is a very generous woman and that her friends take advantage of that. He says that after his father’s death, he and his little sister tried to take care of their mother.

Daimon says that rainbows and sunshine are just things that appear to mask the terrors of the world at large. And I call bull crap on this. While I do understand that there are ponies who will take advantage of other pony’s kindness, hell, it’s even happened to me, once or twice, that doesn’t make it wrong to help out a person. Yes, I realize that sometimes ponies will take advantage of others, but that doesn’t mean the friendship doesn’t exist! It means that you made friends with the wrong ponies and that is the problem! It’s not “the sunlight isn’t real”! It’s about knowing who to trust and knowing what kind of ponies you can benefit yourself from!

Furthermore, wouldn’t this have been better if Daimon had dealt with this personally rather than his mother. We relate better to the mother because this was something that affected her. Not Daimon. As far as we know, Daimon never had this problem prior to this point.

“I will make the friends you so much want. I learned to accept the consequences to each of my actions.

Except for the fact that there are no consequences for his actions!

Daimon then points out that Luna basically kidnapped him and doomed his family to be destroyed financially. Way to go, Luna. No wonder Celestia gets more love then you.

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Jesus, I get the point. Don’t fuck with the princess of the night.

So anyway, Twilight and Daimon arrive in Ponyville and Daimon asks Twilight to tell him about her friends. She starts to list off their names and Daimon tells Twilight that the names aren’t enough, that he needs to know more about them in the hopes of finding common ground so he can begin his friendship with them.

Well, it’s a good thing Daimon is here to explain everything about friendship and what it means. It’s not like Twilight spent a lot of her time learning about how friendship works and writing reports on what she’s learn to Celestia, detailing her discoveries. I’m glad this story is about Twilight learning about friendship.

The story completely stops to have Twilight explaining who all her friends are and what they do, with Daimon occasionally groaning in misery. You know, you could have actually shown us the characters interacting with Daimon and shown us who they are and their personalities and shown us how they will affect Daimon, but nope, you just have to tell us about it. I’m sure that will lead us to believing you. And for those of you who are saying “We already know who these characters are.”

That’s not the point! What’s the point? Here’s the point! The point is that when writing a story, you should be showing us things, not telling us things! Telling us things makes the story boring us hell! Show us why we should believe anything you tell us! If you can’t show your audience what your characters are doing and why they are the way they are, I won’t believe it!

No, Naruto! No! I will not believe it! Stay out of this!

She then goes on to explain what the Elements of Harmony are. God and I thought this chapter was boring before…

She represents the Element of Loyalty, which I guess says tons about her.”

Actually, it doesn’t. In fact, nothing you say about the characters gives any insight to their personalities. Also, Twilight seems to be confused since she is referring to every character as a person instead of a pony. I thought Daimon was the only human here. Maybe there are other humans in this world and that’s why nobody is freaking out about this kid being here. With as much stupid that gets thrown as us, it wouldn’t surprise me.

After the long winded introductions to every character, Daimon tells us that he doesn’t have any friends, just followers that are afraid of him. Yeah, because they were just shaking in their boots when they started laughing and joking with you about how you were going to beat up that brony. Hell, even the brony didn’t seem that terrified of you, since he basically called you the Princess of the Night.

… Except you don’t deserve to be called the Princess of the Night! You aren’t nearly cool enough!

Anyway, they get off the train and Rainbow Dash literally crashes into him. She must be getting into the poison joke again since that’s the only way this scene makes sense.

Instead, we get this explanation…

“Well… I was trying to make a ground-side version of a Sonic Rainboom, so I got the Crusaders to help me get this high speed rotation and…”

… Wait what?!

Not only is that incredibly stupid, but that’s incredibly reckless! You know how much damage a normal Sonic Rainboom can do! And that’s probably thousands of feet in the air! And you want to create one that is closer to the ground in a highly populated area?!

What the hell happened to the audition to the Wonderbolts with Lightning Dust?! I thought Lightning Dust was the reckless one, not Rainbow Dash?! Did I miss something?!

After a small pause, Daimon looked at her, “And you decided to release your grip and be shot at three hundred kilometers per hour and straight in my belly.”

Wait, what?! And you survived?! He survived that people!

Based on the math I did, he basically got hit by a car going about 40 to 50 mph! Human ribs cannot withstand that much force delivered that quickly! I know we ponies have cartoon physics, so that makes us indestructible, but come on! This is a human being! There is no way the amount of force he took would not be able to break his ribs or kill him! I guess, now he has invulnerability, since he can survive it! Thanks for giving this kid superpowers, Luna!

“Daimon eh? You seem pretty tough,”

No, shit! Didn’t I just get through explaining that?!

Daimon introduces himself and tries to make everyone else feel sorry for him by telling them how bad he is. This is just like Human of a Pony all over again. I’m going to need to find Al for this.

Daimon starts to follow Twilight to her library when he accidently bumps into his future love interest… Oh, sorry spoilers… A pony named Romantic Lily.

Really? Really? That’s the route we’re going with? That’s how he redeems himself?! This?! This completely forced, straight out of nowhere romantic interest?! I thought he was here to learn about friendship, not learning how to have pony sex?! I realize that romance starts with friendship, but… This is the most cliché thing you could possibly do in this story! You have a chance to make something interesting and original! Something that nobody else has seen and you botch it with this?! Way to go, rookie! Everyone give a round of applause for the absolute failure that is this story!

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So anyway Daimon goes to Twilight’s house, where the others gather around and Daimon reveals his sally sob story to us, telling us that he became a bully as a defense mechanism for not having any friends.  Get a blog!

The main six try convincing him that friendship is a wonderful thing, but Daimon doesn’t take any of it, whining that “People are just out to get you. That’s the reason I don’t have friends! You can’t count on anyone!”

Daimon then walks out of the room, feeling sorry for himself. I’m feeling sorry for myself for reading this stupid thing.

Twilight and the others discuss what to do about Daimon and Rainbow Dash suggests a “who is the toughest in Ponyville contest” between Daimon and Big McIntosh. I’m not sure why feeding his psychosis would be a good thing, but whatever.

The next day, Daimon doesn’t take the news about the challenge with Big McIntosh well, stating that he would most likely lose. Again, you have super strength, magical powers and invulnerability! Where do you not have the advantage?!

Rainbow Dash then explains that this is his chance to be the toughest human in Ponyville, which makes me think that there are more humans in Equestria, though they have yet to be mentioned or seen. Otherwise, he would already be the toughest human in Ponyville, making what Rainbow Dash said completely stupid.

Twilight then reminds Daimon that his punishment is to learn about friendship and that rivals can be good examples of friends. Except in Pokemon’s case, usually you just want to beat the shit out of them.

“There’s no way I’m talking myself out of this, there is?” he asked looking at the duo.

… I didn’t know Daimon was also Yoda?

Neither can I, Master Yoda.

Twilight pulls out a mattress for him just across from her. Daimon wonders why Twilight would trust him, stating that he might attempt something. Because that’s what I was missing from this story, a sexual pervert joke.  Twilight, of course, assures him that Spike would be keeping an eye on him.

Um… Twilight, if you don’t trust him not to do anything and you are asking Spike to watch him, why don’t you make him sleep downstairs?!  I mean, it’s not like you are keeping a secret from him! You are literally telling him that Spike will keep an eye on him! That already tells him that you don’t trust him! If you had kept it a secret as a method of gaining his trust, yeah, I could see that! But you fucking told him what your plan was, showing what little faith you have in him! You know for somepony who is supposed to be smart, you’re actually really stupid!

Anyway, Daimon takes a quick shower and realizes he has no other clean clothes, meaning that he has to travel around in his underwear. And what was the purpose of this… Why a stupid penis joke of course…

After a breakfast, Daimon prepared himself mentally for the tests the following day.

… I’m not even going to acknowledge what is wrong with this sentence. I’m hoping that if I stop accepting that they exist, maybe they will just go away, much like the insanity I am delving into by reading this.

So, Applejack makes her way to Twilight’s house, at least I think that’s where they are, the narration doesn’t make it clear. Applejack tells Daimon that she is going to challenge him instead of Big McIntosh. … So, wait? Daimon is not super strong enough to go up against McIntosh, but Applejack is okay to completely trounce. I think the author did this switch because he hates Applejack. Wouldn’t surprise me?! Every story I’ve read has some kind of Applejack hate!

Oh, good, now you made Baby Applejack cry, you son of a bitch! Way to fucking go, dude! Way to fucking go!

Anyway, they go over some rules that they both agree to. Both sides get to pick a challenge with Twilight picking the final challenge. The activities would be productive and that both can use all their skills to win.

So, does Daimon’s magic count as a skill?

They start with a game of horseshoes… Which doesn’t seem productive at all. Neither does this story for that matter.

And Applejack ends up winning that competition. Daimon’s challenge is a race with obstacles… still not seeing where this is productive, but who cares, Daimon tells everyone to build a track for him because… He has… authority? I’m adding to the list of powers he now has.

1: Super Strength

2: Magic Limbs of Impossibility

3: Invulnerability

4: Authority beyond even Princess Twilight.

Applejack chuckled at that. “So ya will fight muh skill at last challenge with one ya had skills?”

This just convinces you of hating on Applejack even more. Oh, shit, I acknowledged it! Last time, I promise… Unless I feel the need to point one out again.

Anyway, the ponies build a track and lead the others to it where they can race. Twilight explains the track. See if you can make sense of it.

“It’s pretty simple,” Twilight said with a smile. “Pinkie Pie marked the checkpoints with candy canes. Every candy cane is at sight line with the next. The start line has also two candy canes, so you will have to pick the first there, hold it until the next and give to the pony on the next check point, grab the next candy cane and so on. There is a total of two checkpoints plus the finish line. The first to get to the finish line and finish off his candy cane wins. Any question?”

Yeah, um… What?!

So they go through the race and it turns out that Daimon barely wins. And the final challenge is whether or not they can both get up and do it again… Wait what?! That’s the best that Twilight can come up with! That is the single dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life! It’s like the author couldn’t come up with another challenge, so he just forced them to do it again!

So Daimon gets his second wind and beats Applejack.

After the competition, they gather at the Apple’s barn to celebrate. Daimon is still grieving over his family’s problems, but Twilight assures him that Princess Celestia has sent somepony over to help them…

What the hell?! Does Princess Celestia have contacts in the human world that help her deal with this?! Is she sending money to them?! Is she actually going over herself and scaring the shit out of the family with reality that she is real?! What the hell?!

So anyway, Twilight and Daimon asks Rarity to makes some clothes for him. And after a few minutes, Daimon comes out with a brand new outfit that makes him look charming. Fun note: Rarity made those clothes so fast because they were made out of rocks. Fuck designers, we got rocks!

So as he shows off his new clothes, Twilight and Rarity grow unnaturally attractive to him. I know in the story it mentioned that he could woo any woman with just a flex of his muscles, but… They’re fucking ponies, dude! They are not even the same genus! And yet, somehow he is more attractive than stallions to these two! I’m adding that as a superpower.

5: Illogically attractive to separate species.

So, they start to party and Applejack even gets Daimon to make a speech in front of everyone. Why? I don’t know. It’s never explained and it makes as much sense as everything else we’ve seen. Also, the speech is just skipped over with him just telling us that Daimon was nervous while presenting. My god, could the writing in this story be getting worse as the chapters go on? It wouldn’t surprise me!

So we see that Daimon is taking a break from the party. Rainbow Dash comes to him and Daimon starts to hear the music being played for the party. Daimon admits that ponies have such great music.

Of course… How could I have not seen it before? Ponies! Ponies are indeed the greatest musical composers ever conceived!  It’s all so clear now! Obviously stupid humans could never make such beautiful pieces of music in their lives. Some people may say that Beethoven was one of the greatest composers in the world, stating that he made classical music what it is today. Fuck Beethoven!

Others will say that Mozart was the inspiration of many musicians and composers and continues to be one of the greatest composers of all time, who’s talent and inspiration was never truly duplicated. Fuck Mozart!

Or Johann Bach! Richard Wagner! Or George Handel! Fuck them all to hell! The greatest composer of music in the world is a pony!

Truly this magnificent creature of God’s creations is truly destined to write the greatest music any one has ever heard in their entire life! Human, as a species, could not fathom the creativity of this magically creature that is able to string together chords, notes and rhythms into such a way that would take us to the highest of cultures beyond anything we have ever heard before! This wonderful being is truly the greatest musical composer that human beings could not hope to challenge its artistic beauty! And they shall all burn in hell for their sins of listening to this thing they call “music” when we are truly God’s messengers of melody!

…

…

…

So, anyway…

Daimon then gets approached by the love of his life… Oh, sorry spoilers… Romantic Lily.

Romantic tells Daimon that’s she’s been down on her luck with her writing. However, Daimon tells her to never give up and to keep trending her path if it is something she really wants.

Too bad I can’t say the same for you.

Okay, maybe I went a little far… I’m not taking it back though.

So, Daimon tells her to continue writing if that what she really wants to do. Romantic thanks him for his kindness and mentions that he doesn’t seem like the advice giving type. To which Daimon responds,

“Because I’m not,” Daimon answered. “However, in order to return home, I have to fulfill some tasks, let’s say. I’m just trying to do that.”

Okay… really dude? Really? You’ve treated everypony with respect up until this point and even then, he still treats her with respect. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing, but this is supposed to be a story about redemption. As far as I’m concerned, there is no redemption to this story! It is already made clear that Daimon knows how to treat people with respect and kindness, so why the hell does he have to learn something he already knows?! If he had been acting like a selfish ass to her and everyone else, that would make more sense, but this doesn’t work because the characters are trying to teach him something that he already knows how to do! So why the hell does this story even exist?!

So Romantic Lily goes out and gets some fresh air in the hopes of getting new ideas for her story. And just when you thought we’d have a romantic interest that didn’t strictly play the role of damsel in distress, a group of Timberwolves surround the barn, attacking Romantic.

Daimon goes out to find her and meets up with Zecora. Daimon explains that he needs to find Romantic before the Timberwolves do and Zecora tells him to head into the Everfree forest. And what was the point of having Zecora in this story?

Absolutely fucking nothing!

Daimon finds Romantic fighting off the Timberwolves as he tries to intervene. This only results in him getting his ass kicked. I guess wood is his kryptonite.

Yes, there was even a time when Green Lantern was defeated by a wooden window.

Just as the Timberwolves are about to devour his flesh, Romantic ends up saving him and they flee from the wolves. Damn girl. You may be a writer, but you kick ass.

The two make their way to a where they become trapped between a cliff and the wolves. However, Daimon sees Rainbow Dash and Twilight hovering above them, waiting for them to rescue Daimon and Lily. Daimon looks at Lily and tells her to trust him.

And what’s wrong with this scene? THERE IS NO SUSPENSE!

You already know what is going to happen! Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle are going to save them before they hit the fucking ground! Why the hell would you mention that Rainbow Dash and Twilight are right above them?! It kills the fucking suspense and if there is no suspense, there is no reason for the audience to keep reading!

And another thing, the scene plays out exactly like Twilight’s dilemma when she first took on Nightmare Moon. In said dilemma, Twilight is dangling off a cliff, with only Applejack holding onto her. Applejack tells Twilight to simply trust her and allow herself to fall, with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy ready to catch her.

However, I have a problem with this scene. Why the hell doesn’t Applejack just tell Twilight that she will be rescued by Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy? It’s not like they have a time table! It could have taken the same amount of time to tell Twilight about the two pegasi flying just below her as if would have to comforted her enough to trust her.  And for those of you who think “It’s to show the Element of Honesty”. That is still a really stupid way to introduce that! The other elements are introduced so very well, and it upsets me that this was introduced the way it was. But I will give that event credit; at least it kept us in suspense!

Oh, come on, Applejack. It’s not your fault… It’s the author’s fault… Come on, don’t cry… Don’t… shit… Look what you ponies have done to her?! Why do you hate her so?! She just wants to be loved! Is that so wrong?!

So after taking a drunken Twilight and a sleeping Spike home… Don’t ask. … Lily and Daimon have a little romantic moment. And when I say little, I mean, half a sentence. Yeah, you are going to see a lot of pointlessness in this story.

“Aw… I hate when Pinkie Pie spice my drinks… I almost always end up with a hangover…” Twilight said.

Twilight, I don’t think Pinkie Pie spices your drinks! I think she ‘spikes’ it!

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Okay, I’ll let this one slide, but I’m docking points from other misspellings.

So, Daimon goes to the mayor’s offices and gets himself hired as the town’s troubleshooter, doing any odd jobs that the town needs. At least, it’s more masculine than town helper.

Anyway as he is traveling around town, he runs into Lily again, who happens to be nude, like all ponies. Is there a point to him stating that she was nude? Not really. I think that he just likes typing the word nude. Maybe that’s how he gets his jollies if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Daimon asks Lily how he would send a letter to Princess Celestia and Lily asks him to talk to Twilight about it since she was Celestia’s protégé. Lily asks him to respect the princesses a little bit, saying that it might upset somepony that he isn’t intimidated by them.

… Don’t let her see me. She doesn’t like it when I make fun of her… She’ll banish me to the moon, she will! (Yes, I already used this joke in this review.)

“She was just a rumble student not too long ago. Princess Twilight Sparkle is the newest princess in all Equestria, and is still getting used to all of her position.”

Hey, Lily turned into Scooby Doo! Let me try!

Ris rory really rucks!

“Good to know that,” Daimon said with a grin. “And thank you. I’ll keep that in mind when I need to treat them as such, or unless they ask me to.”

Daimon, you’re stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Okay, I really need to move on, because every line of dialogue is just trash and this review is already too long.

Anyway, Daimon goes over to Lily’s house and Lily shows him her books. One such story is about a pony who is changing his ways to become a better pony. The ironic thing is that this story is far superior to the one I’m reading now.

So Daimon starts to go over his backstory again, and boy is it a train wreck. He mentions that his mother was a terrific athlete and that she also has a memory issue. His father was a business man who died while on a business trip… Damn… And I thought the train wreck thing was just a joke… I feel kind of bad now…

Anyway, that’s when the “friends” appeared and started to take money from Daimon’s family. The story goes on as Daimon explains how he became the man of the house, making sure the finances were settled. However, some new kinds of friends started to come into their lives who encouraged Daimon’s mom to send her children off to full-time school so they could manipulate money out of her.

What the fucking hell?! Is everyone in the human world just assholes?! Remind me never to go there!

Anyway, Daimon reminds his mother about their father’s saying about family coming first and she sends the friends away. And what was the point of that? Who fucking knows! As far as I’m concern, that was utterly pointless!

So, he says that he built a tough guy persona to make sure he could protect his mother. And while I do find that admirable, why the hell does he act like an asshole?! There is a distinct different between the two! The tough guy is somebody who isn’t afraid to fight back, but always has the compassion to help others and to do what is right.

An asshole is the exact opposite! An asshole doesn’t care about the feelings of others and doesn’t care who gets in his way! His only focus is on what he wants!

Daimon is not a tough guy! He is an asshole! He bullies other kids, simply because he can. A real tough guy would have defended the kid getting kicked in the back of the head! A real tough guy would have stopped the bullies from beating up the brony! And the tough guy would have let his little sister watch her show, without harassing her! Tough does not translate into being a jerk!

Oh, and then he explains that when he roughed up some kids, he apologized and told them why he did what he did! Yes, because my broken ribs are not as important as your image! I’ll be sure to tell the insurance company what happened when I get out of the hospital! They’ll totally go along with it! The more I dig into this backstory, the more I hate this character!

So after Daimon wraps up his backstory, we can move on to… another freaking backstory?! Are you kidding me?! Are you FUCKING kidding me?!

So, Lily explains that her mother was harsh on her, wanting her to have a good future as a doctor or lawyer or something like that. She then explains that during one of her classes the teacher explains about how to come up with creative worlds and that’s how she earned her cutie mark. However, she realizes that her mother would never approve of her being a writer, which leads to this…

Those damn sloths don’t earn decent money, stay day after day doing nothing useful, wasting paper to write books that nopony reads twice’

Oh, my god. That’s this story! That’s this story in a nutshell! I was looking for the right words to describe this story, but now I don’t have to! It’s literally is in the story itself! Thank you story! Thank you for giving me the words I needed for the ending of my review! That almost makes up for the stupid things that happened in the past five minutes! Almost!

So Lily continues saying that she ran away from home and that she lived all over the place taking odd jobs since her writing wasn’t very successful. There’s a metaphor here somewhere, but at the moment it’s eluding me.

So, anyway, she reveals that her parents are coming to Ponyville to visit her and that she is moving away before they get here. She then asks Daimon to help her move since he is the town troubleshooter. Sure, why not? Daimon agrees, but only if Lily faces her parents and tells them how it is. I’m so glad that Daimon is here and can solve everypony’s problem for them. I’m so glad that Twilight and her friends are incapable of helping their friends when they need them or are able to solve their problems! It’s a good thing Daimon is in this story!

Thank God, we are at the halfway point. I don’t know how much more stupid I can take.

Daimon then goes back to Twilight’s house to send his letter to Princess Celestia. He finds Spike and asks him to help him with the sending of his letter. Spike sends it in the usual fashion, which makes Daimon think Spike burned the letter to ashes. And Daimon starts freaking out.

I’ve always wondered how Spike is magically able to send letters to Princess Celestia. Do all dragons have the ability to send postage with their breath? That would sure save on shipping costs.

Anyway, Twilight comes and explains that Spike has the ability to send letters to Celestia via breath and then they talk about Luna and Celestia raising the sun and moon. What does this have to do with the plot? Absolutely nothing.

Anyway, after dinner, Daimon receives Celestia’s reply via Spike. Wait, while I’m thinking about it, how does Princess Celestia transfer mail to Spike? Is there some kind of spell or something that she casts? I don’t know, maybe it’s explained in season 4.

So Celestia’s reply tells him that his family is safe, but that she can’t discuss it in the letter. Why the hell not? And says that she will be in Ponyville six days from now.

Twilight hears about this and starts to freak out wanting everything to be perfect before Celestia arrives.

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So, Daimon goes out to give Twilight some space and bumps into Rarity. They have a conversation about how boys are expected to one thing in the human world and girls are expected to do another. I would say that this is incredibly sexist, but the author doesn’t care anymore, so why should I? After all, you should see the grammar and spelling for this chapter!

Rarity then tells him about the events of Twilight’s birthday and how she almost blew off Twilight’s party all so she could impress some snobs. She even gives some sound advice…

“I learned that day that a lot more important of the image you bring to yourself is the image your friends have of you,” Rarity finally said. “As you said, you paint yourself as a monster to everyone. But you must remember that your true friends can see through it and see that you’re an angel in fact. They will just ask why you’re playing the monster and, probably, help you to be even more convincing.”

Wait, so your friends want to help you be an asshole? Is that what you’re saying?! Because that’s what I get from this! Your real friends want you to assure everyone thinks you’re an asshole! That’s the stupidest advice I’ve ever heard! Rarity, you are stupid!

Rarity then describes the event leading to the defeat of Nightmare Moon. This tells me that the author has no time or effort to put into story, so instead he just describe events that most of us have seen from My Little Pony! I told you he’s not trying anymore!

So anyway, the day finally arrives for Lily’s parents to come visit. Let’s just get this over with.

So they talk to the parent’s, who are, of course, closed minded dumbasses. Daimon, of course, defends her the entire time and doesn’t let Lily defend herself and grow on her own! This seems pretty damn counter-productive! I understand you being there for your friend, but there is a difference between supporting them and fighting their battles for them! If this was just Daimon being a silent pillar of strength that would be one thing, but he’s arguing against the parents for her! That doesn’t make Daimon look strong, it makes Lily look lazy and defenseless, needing someone to come rescue her.

And then Daimon says that he would marry Lily on the spot.

Wait, you mean to tell me that Lily this whole time was… The romantic interest?!

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The parents want to discuss their daughter’s problems with Princess Celestia. Yeah, because I’m sure the ruler of Equestria would want to get involved with a private family matter. Daimon, being the ever loving idiot that he is, invites the parents to a meeting with Celestia, who will be arriving in Ponyville tomorrow.

Daimon goes home after finishing his job and comes to the smell of meat that Spike is cooking.

His nose quickly filled with the scent from the kitchen and he smiled. “So long I haven’t felt this smell

How do you feel smell?! Daimon, you are an idiot!

So Spike gives Daimon the meat that he had been cooking, and he even asks Spike to try some, which he seems to enjoy.

It’s only a matter of time now before Spike starts to discover how juicy pony meat is. It all started with this…

That night, Daimon gets a visit from Luna and they talk about what Daimon has learned about friendship.

“Ponyville has been showing me that sometimes friendship is useful, I admit.”

You’re a dick!

And then Luna describes what happened during her first return to Nightmare Night and how Twilight helped her make friends. I didn’t know this story was about the characters telling us what they did in My Little Pony. I’m sure glad our time was spent on this instead of developing our story and our plot, since at this point; the story is boring as hell!

But it turns out that Luna does have a point in being here. She tells Daimon that Lily’s parents are starting to have nightmares about him attacking and torturing them. That is the single dumbest thing ever! I hate this story!

So Daimon decides to explain the situation to Luna. Every single nerve pinching, ear bleeding, head scratching, ball punching, eye poking, butt waxing moment that lead up this in full detail, even though anyone who had actually given a shit about this story already knows what the fuck is going on! I HATE THIS STORY!

And then Luna starts to … explain what happened to cause her to become Nightmare Moon?!

…

I’m fine… I’m fine… I just… am going a bit crazy… but I’m fine…

So … anyway…

Luna and Daimon start discussing what would happen if Celestia were to turn evil and what her name would be. Yeah, because I’m sure that will play out really well in our plot.

Luna reveals that she never suspected him of wrong doing and she states that ponies have even started to fall in love with him. Sure, why not? It makes as much sense as everything else in this stupid piece of shit so far.

So, the day finally comes for Celestia to arrive to talk to Daimon. Twilight is, as always, freaking out. Daimon ends up comforting her by… kissing her? … You know what? I don’t care, let’s just finish this up!

Celestia then arrives and Daimon says the dumbest thing he’s possibly said in this story and believe me that is not an easy feat.

“Do unto others only what you would like them do to you. For example, I hate being addressed formally, so I avoid doing so with others as often as I can.”

So, let me get this straight… Because you beat up a kid half your size to a bloody pulp, I can do the same to you? Okay then!

He’s going to keep doing that til his arm gets tired. DO UNTO OTHERS, FUCKER!

So, they invite Celestia to breakfast when they are interrupted by Romantic Lily. Romantic says she wants to be there to support him when he speaks to Celestia, just like he was there for her when she spoke with her parents. Which means that she will fight his battles for him or some bull crap like that, I don’t know, let’s just finish this stupid thing.

Celestia then reveals that the person looking after Daimon’s family is actually the brony he knocked unconscious… Wait, what?

Why is he taking care of this guy’s family?

Celestia answered. “His name is Karl Fox and he is actually taking care of your family and is particularly friendly with your sister for some reason I don’t understand.”

Well, I’m sure there is nothing wrong with Fox going into his sister’s room and sitting… in a chair with her … in the dark…just the two of them… watching a show about… Oh, god! Somebody call the police! We’ve got a minor with a possible pedophile! Celestia, how could you do this to a little girl?!

Anyway, Celestia reveals that Daimon wasn’t brought here to be taught the magic of friendship. Daimon is confused by this and so am I since the whole fucking plot has been about Daimon’s redemption. But it turns out that Celestia brought Daimon here because Luna is once again slowly becoming Nightmare Moon!

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… Wait, what?!

Are you fucking serious?! Are you fucking serious, right now?! We are seriously going that route! We are seriously going to do this! Are you high?! Are you stupid?! What in your right mind told you that this would suffice for a plot?! We are at the final two chapters of the story and now you want to change the premise of the story on us?! That is the single dumbest decision you have made in this story! You are fired from writing! Ever!

So, Luna arrives and the gang is all here to discuss what Daimon has learned about friendship and the events that helped lead him to learning about them.

“Applejack is an athletic mare, that’s no doubt. Strong and agile, she’s also very smart and thinks quickly,” Luna nodded.

“But I’m better,” Daimon said with a chuckle.

Suck my fucking cock, Daimon! You are a piece of fucking shit compared to Applejack! No! I’m sorry! I shouldn’t insult a piece of shit like that! You are worse than shit! You are… indescribably worse than shit! You are… Super Sayian 3 shit! The shit Gods of the universe worship how much of a piece of shit that you are, claiming that you will someday lead your people into making the world a worse place to live by how much of a piece of shit that you are!

So he goes through the long list of lessons that he learned, shoving them down our throats for the hundredth time. I’m thinking about unfriending several people on Facebook just to even this shit out!

So, Celestia says that she will send Daimon home tomorrow stating that he’s learned his lesson. Because he learned that his feelings shouldn’t be imposed onto others, right?

Lily and Daimon make this speech about not forgetting each other and I so wish this story was over, but no, we have two more chapters to go. And for anyone who is actually reading this piece of shit, I apologize.

So, anyway, Daimon goes home after wishing the ponies farewell. Karl comes up to the door and is glad to see that he has returned and Daimon gives him a hug… Aw, that’s so… Not cute at all.

Daimon asks why Karl was helping out Daimon’s family and Karl doesn’t really give him a straight answer. So, I’ll invent my own…

Daimon: Why are you helping my family?

Karl: Well, I wanted to see your little sister’s magic.

Daimon: Wait, huh?

Karl: Had to make myself a unicorn, if you know what I mean.

Daimon: What the hell?

Karl: The Elements of Harmony were shining that day.

Daimon: You son of a bitch! I’ll kill you!

Yeah, I think that works…

So it turns out that Karl hasn’t been the only unicorn around, with Karl’s father dating Daimon’s mom. This is… really awkward.

So his sister Angela… Wait… (looks back at the first chapter) Oh, sweet merciful crap! The little sister’s name is Elisa! Why the hell did you change her name?! Is this some alternate universe and Daimon is too stupid to realize it?! Does the author just not care anymore?! Oh, screw it!

He tells his sister, whoever the fuck she’s supposed to be, about his adventures in Equestria. Oh, good, because this story could not be long enough…

As the days go on, he longs to be with the mare he loves, Romantic Lily and wants to go back to Equestria. He begins to practice his magic… that’s right, he’s practicing magic in the human world. Even though in the first chapter it was established that he couldn’t use magic in the human world and his magical abilities were never mentioned before this point in any of the chapters, but hey, the author threw up their hands and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

And to show how much more the author doesn’t care, they throw this shit at us.

Maybe humans have their versions of the three kinds? The “earth humans”, the “magic humans” and the “flying humans” were after all a part of human society. The ones that love the earth above everything else, those that decide to take the sky and, of course, the magicians… maybe some of those shows I saw in the past weren’t just illusions after all…”

Pfft, science! Pfft, history! I scoff at the idea!

So Daimon’s mom gets married, he learns to practice magic and this story just keep going! This is longer than the fucking Lord of the Rings epilogue.

Oh, and he gives us this bullshit about how he can use magic in the human world.

“Maybe something happened to me in Ponyville that changed me and allowed me to do so…” Daimon chuckled. “Or maybe we always could, but we forgot how to do so…”

I am the great and powerful, Mary –Sue… I mean, Daimon! I know all and see all! I can do whatever the fuck I want! Fuck logic!

So, Luna visits him and says that they will take him back to Equestria and Daimon says that he never wants to come back to the human world. There is some other stuff here, but frankly, it’s too painful to read.

So, he gets back to Ponyville, but finds out the Romantic Lily is not where they said she was. But enough about that, Daimon wants to be a pony. Sure, why the hell not? Luna and Celestia promise to give him a transformation spell that can transform him into one, but he must find Romantic first. Not sure what she has to do with it, but hey, I don’t care.

He goes to Niagara Fall and finds Lily with almost no issue. And nopony knew where she was because why?

And so our story ends with Lily telling Daimon about the new story she wrote the Exile of Daimon…

Ha, ha, ha! I get it, because that is the title of this story! This… poorly written, unentertaining, uninteresting, uninvesting, ill-conceived piece of utter trash!

This story is incredibly bad! The story goes nowhere fast! The poor grammar and spelling distract you to the point of exhaustion. The characters are not written very well, with Daimon leading the charge. I cannot believe how bad this character is! He’s a jackass that thinks him being a jackass is justified and for that matter so does everyone else! He doesn’t learn his lessons and as far as I’m concerned undermines the entire redemption process!

There are several plot points that are brought up throughout the story that are never explored upon! What about the Nightmare Moon plot?! That didn’t fucking go anywhere! Or what about Evil Celestia?! Nope, not connected to anything! What about the sudden attractiveness that mares have for Daimon?! No answers here!

The plot is stupid, makes no sense and overall is just a waste of time! This story could have ended at chapter 3 with it being a bad, but not horrible story. But the author had to just drag it on and on and it was so fucking boring! After chapter 3, nothing fucking happens! There is no investment into Daimon’s trial, because he isn’t struggling! Because it isn’t difficult for him and if things come so easily for him, why the flying Dutchman of a fuck should I even give a crap about him?!

This story is just painful to sit through and I am really glad that a sequel will never be made.

And, by the way, yes. I am working on a sequel to this. However, the burst of inspiration is gone, and I'm kinda struggling to finish the first chapter off. Be a bit more patient, please?

Not on my watch, you won’t! If you’ll excuse me

I’ve got a human in Equestria to hunt down. Have a great day guys!

The Poncho Chronicles I: The Beans

Warning: This review contains vulgar language and gory images. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

Sometimes there are groups of ponies that can give you ideas on where to begin your search for crappy stories. After having a discussion with another young writer, I’ve found a new story that I can rip into and dear lord is it awful. This one is a special kind of awful with unlikable characters, a plot that doesn’t make a lick of sense and plot holes King Kong could fit through.

But let’s not waste any more time, let’s dig into The Poncho Chronicles 1: The Beans by BRyeMC

On a relaxing day in August,

Bored already…

So, apparently the main character Poncho and his friends are on a bus ride back home from a football game in … Seaddle? Is that pronounced Sea Dull? Is it a play on word of saddle and Seattle? I am assuming so, since the football team is named the Seacawks. … The Seacawks? The Seacawks?! Really?! You just gave ponies an easy way for them to make fun of your story as immature as it may be! And keep in mind, I’m not even done with the first paragraph yet!

We then get some information about Poncho and learn that he is a good friend and a comical one. (Which is funny because he has not one funny line in this whole damn thing, so that was utterly pointless). Also, his cutie mark seems to be a couch with a game controller and a bag of chips. So I guess that makes his special talent looking like this guy…

So I guess he’s good friends with Twilight Sparkle and the group, although it is never explained why, it just kind of is. The group says that they are in Seaddle to do research for Twilight. What kind of research you ask? Well, it’s… um… I have no idea. The story doesn’t make that clear to us and we have no idea why Twilight and the others are there. Oh, right. Now I remember why they are there, because the author wants them to be there. Yeah, stories don’t work that way.

Also, a spell was casted on everypony that made their wings and horns completely useless and their personalities shifted in case the author messed up their personalities… Wait what?!

Are you fucking serious?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! We are not even 500 words in and already I hate this story! That’s a record dude! I think this is a brand spanking new record about how stupid this story already is! Congratulations! I didn’t think it was possible, but you did it! I mean, why would you actually explain how the hell this would have happened and the fact that the wings of a Pegasus couldn’t work! A unicorn I could at least understand! In the story where they first meet Zecora, Twilight’s horn was poisoned so that it couldn’t work! It probably interrupted her magic, but what about Pegasi wings?!

They’re not like a spell that somepony casts, it’s a fucking limb! That would be like casting a spell to make your arm or leg or even mouth stop working! It makes no fucking sense! What? Did you decide that making this spooky slasher story with characters that can use wings was too hard, so you had to make up some bull shit about this?!

And the personality thing?! What the fuck is up with that?! Did you decide that you weren’t going to watch the show so you made up this bull shit about their personalities mysteriously being changed to suit your needs?! Your vision of how you perceive them! Well, I’ve got to tell you?! You failed! You failed miserably! All hail to the king of fail!

I should just stop the review right there! First 500 words and already I want to strangle a puppy! Pray for Armageddon everypony, we still have 22000 words of this shit!

So, the bus drives along and everypony on it is surprisingly bitchy. With Spike being the absolute worst I’ve ever seen him portrayed in a story. Just look at this dialogue.

“I’ve got the fucking munchies, so we’re stopping,” said Twilight’s dragon friend, Spike.

“Spike, that’s not n—” began Applejack.

“Shut up. No one cares Applejack,” retorted Spike

What is with the Applejack hatred everypony?! This is completely unjustified and comes the fuck out of nowhere?! Yes, there is supposed to be some magic that changes the character’s personality, but makes this scene even more stupid!

They come across a town which is comprised of drug dealers, hookers and gangsters. Yeah, because that’s a great place to bring a gathering of kids. Anyway ,the bus driver tells them to be back in thirty minutes or they are leaving them behind.

We then get introduced to Clyde who is the group’s “true point guard”. They say he’s a friend who is always there for pony, except for the fact that he agrees with the bus driver about leaving ponies behind if they don’t make it back to the bus in time. Leaving me to think he’s a liar, liar, and his pants are on fire.

The group splits up, traveling in pairs with Poncho going off on his own, which the narration points out is pretty damn stupid. Hey, narrator, pointing out stupid things ponies do is my thing! If I let you do it, then I’d be out of a job! Which at this point wouldn’t be so bad.

Rainbow Dash and another pony named Tyrone go to a convenient store in the hopes of finding some food.

Rainbow Dash, what choo gettin’?”

Gesundheit… What? Sometimes I have to reach for the jokes…

We then get introduced to Tyrone, who is apparently a carbon copy of Clyde. Thanks for the clone. That was really necessary. Rainbow Dash races to the restroom with Tyrone shouting…

“Sheeeeeeiiit...” Tyrone said, as he watched her walk away.

…The hell was that?! …

Sheeeeeiiitt…”

Why the hell would you talk like this?! No wonder I can never understand what kids say now a days.

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Anyway, we then get introduced to another character named Wahlburn. Seriously, this guy jams more characters into his story than King Mykan did. And that’s a feat in itself.

It turns out that Wahlburn is heavily addicted to weed and offers Spike some, which oddly enough he takes. God, you kept no part of how the characters normally act, did you? This is going to make this thing a nightmare to read.

Wahlburn is described as a heavy smoker, drinker and pretty much a druggy. I’m sure he feels right at home. He and Spike are commenting on the creepy old man they saw as they entered the town.

Wahlburn theorizes that he is a serial killer and Spike says this…

“If he is, I hope he kills Applejack and not me,” said Spike with a tint of pleasure.

Spike, you are a fucking piece of worthless shit and Wahlburn is even more insignificant!

We then get introduced to Jed, another character who everyone hates simply because he is gay. Yes, because being gay is a justifiable reason to hate someone! Getting to know someone before you judge them?! What a stupid concept!

We then have the gang gather at the bus and we are introduced to another character by the name of Cannon. Look, I was just kidding about the King Mykan thing, but Jesus he really does introduce more pointless characters than him! Here I was hoping I was done with that stupidity! It is revealed that Cannon is a Nazi, that somehow has no ill will towards Jews or other minorities, but as soon as you mention gays, he follows Himmler’s solution.

If you will excuse me, I am going to bang my head against this story in the hopes that some of my intellect will make it into this story, and make it less stupid!

So, it turns out that Poncho is still missing from the group, but as they stated, the group decides to leave him behind with Rainbow Dash deciding to break character (according to the magic fairy dust of “I’m the author and what I say goes, even if it makes no fucking sense”) and they leave Poncho alone in the town.

Yes, let’s leave our best friend in the city full of psychos, killers, rapist, druggies and muggers, I’m sure that will go over well…

THE FIRST FUCKING CHAPTER AND I ALREADY HATE THIS STORY!

We cut back to Poncho who discovers that he has been left behind by his friends. Dude, you seriously need some new friends, allow me to introduce you to these wonderful ponies that would love to help you…

Oh… wait. They’re a bunch of assholes in this story. Never mind.

Poncho goes into one of the stores to use a phone, when he is knocked unconscious by a man with a mask shaped like a bean. I have no idea how nobody manage to stop this masked man, considering Poncho was AT THE FREAKING BAR, WHILE THE OTHER GUY WAS AT THE FREAKING DOOR, SEVERAL FEET AWAY! SECOND CHAPTER GUYS! AND I’M ALREADY USING CAPS LOCK!

Anyway, when Poncho wakes up, he meets a strange man named Xarlin, who manage to scare off the criminal with his “Remmington 870”. That is a shotgun for those of us who don’t know, making me wonder why he didn’t just call it a freaking shotgun! Also, Remington is spelled wrong. Wonderful, you can’t even get the name of the gun right!

The author seems to be going back and forth between stating who ponies are and who people are. Is this another human in Equestria story? Aw, screw it!

Poncho tries again to contact his friends, though I use the term friends lightly, in hopes that they will come back for him. Xarlin shows him the phone and Poncho calls another one of his friends, who we are just being introduced to, Patel.

Great, more characters I don’t give a shit about.

He is able to get in contact with Patel and Patel says that they are a mile down the road and that the bus has broken down. Poncho asks if they are going to be a while and Patel tells him that they could be there for a long time, telling Poncho to walk to them.

Or you know, Poncho could call the police and have them pick them up or help them out! Or call a repairman to help fix the bus! Or again, call the freaking police to have them deal with the criminals that attacked you!

So, Patel finishes his conversation by telling Poncho that they are all (even the main 6 apparently) are going to get high off weed. I can’t tell if the author is trying to be funny or if he is serious. Either way, it’s painful. Poncho hangs up and passes out.

He then appears… back on the bus? What the fuck?! The bus then crashes and erupts into a ball of fire, killing all of his friends.

And then he wakes up back in the convenient store. …

I don’t get it either…

So Poncho leaves the town and travels back up the road in the hopes of finding his friends.

We cut back to Poncho’s friends where the bus has broken down and after some needlessly mean-spirited making fun of the gay character… You know what? These characters are so bland, I’m not even going to bother remembering names. From now on I refer to these characters as thusly…

Poncho – The Dumbass

Wahlburn – The Druggie

Jeb – The Gay Pony

Everyone else – Stupids 1-6

(Honestly, everypony else is interchangeable)

So the characters do what they have done so far, get high and make fun of characters for being themselves. And it is as painful as you could imagine.

Meanwhile, the driver, who has a name, but frankly I don’t care, goes to check why the bus has broken down. I think maybe the bus committed suicide because it knew it was in a piece of shit story.

So we then get introduced to ANOTHER character, though by this point, you’re probably hoping this is a slasher fic, and all of them get to die soon. Really soon.

After that, they then drift to sleep. And what has this story done for us so far?

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Took the words right out of my mouth.

Anyway, morning comes and they look for the bus driver, who has mysteriously vanished. The Dumbass is peer pressured by his friends to go out and find him. We then get introduced to another character… Good fucking god, there is a trail of blood on the bus! And you want to stop all that for a character, who isn’t even worthy of telling us about in the first chapter! There is fucking blood on the fucking bus, you idiot! Show us that! Don’t tell us about another character! We have enough idiots running around without another one!

After being introduced to Stupid 8, Dumbass finally decides to go look for him. (And now you know why his name is Dumbass). After a few minutes, he finds a house with a spot of blood on the door.

They go inside and find that the house has been abandoned for years. They travel to the basement where they find the bus driver’s body.

He killed the best character in the story, within the first few chapters… Be very, very quiet. I’m hunting metaphors. It’s around here somewhere.

So, the group finds a shotgun on the body of the dead bus driver and notices that it is the same gun that Xaldir was wielding.

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever.

The group decides to wait around the bus in the hopes of waiting out the killer. Um… Are you people fucking stupid?! This wouldn’t have happened if you had called a repairman! This wouldn’t have happened if you had called the police! And for that matter, Stupid number 3 has a fucking phone! He could call someone to come get them! Or he could call the police right now! He has service since Dumbass was able to call him back at the town! There is no reason why 9-1-1 wouldn’t work!

Oh, and I haven’t even begun to describe the terrible formatting for the story! This story is painful to read, with every paragraph smashed into each other.

Like this, see how difficult it is to read when the paragraphs are crunched together like this!

Sure makes it difficult to read, huh? Right now I’m just rambling so that I can prove a point and hopefully makes these paragraphs a little longer!

Have I proven my point yet?!

Then Rainbow Dash brings in the only logical thing this story has said so far.

“Why are we waiting in a bus when there’s a killer in the house fifty feet from us?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Hey, she’s got a point. Fortunately, for the characters, they agree with her and decide to pack up their things and rough it in the forest. They travel down the road, again, we’re ignoring the fact that they clearly had reception in that area before, unless the satellites hate these characters as much as I do.

So they decide to stop after Twilight sees a pattern in one of her books that matches one of the patterns seen in the house.

Convenient or Contrived, take your pick.

Twilight said she had seen them before… even though in the previous chapter Twilight didn’t mention them or even brought it up, but hey, I’ve given up at this point. Twilight reveals that the markings represent a cult called Phaselus Civilis. The legend says that if they run into one of these members then bad luck will follow you.

The others ask if any of them ran into one of these members, but nopony knows anything. Twilight then finds an envelope that contains a photo of… Oh, my god! The murderer killing the bus driver! … Who we already knew was already dead… Why is this shocking again?

The photo however does reveal that there was a masked man within it and that Dumbass had seen one of them before. Just as he is about to explain, they are attack by the cult. They get away but find out that several of their friends are missing, including Applejack, the Gay one and Stupids 2 and 4. I don’t care if you don’t know who Stupids 2 and 4 are, they don’t matter.

And if you don’t believe me, the author himself says that none of the other characters feel sorry that the characters are missing, including Applejack. Good fucking Christ! I know she’s not the most interesting character to you guys, but that’s no reason to absolutely hate her! It’s not like she goes around killing ponies and treats others like shit! Except in these kinds of stories apparently!

Finally, Twilight manages to talk some sense into the others and they agree to split up letting six of them hunt down the missing characters, while the others go and try to find help. So Stupid 3, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Dumbass agree to go look for their missing friends. And why the hell is Rarity not going with them, since Applejack is her friend?

Oh, yeah! I forgot! This author doesn’t respect the character’s personalities in the show and doesn’t think they should be a portrayed as six friends, who together are a near unstoppable force based on trust and love for one another!

Not that kind of love!

So, I guess that the group looks around for the others (its written so poorly it’s hard to make out) but to no avail and make their way back to their old camp where Stupid 1 is waiting for them. However, the other members of his group are missing as they went ahead after he sprained his hoof.

Rainbow Dash volunteers to stay with Stupid 1, while the others go off to look for the others still missing, I think. I don’t know it’s very rushed pacing.

The others wander through the forest and find Stupid 3 impaled on a tree. They discover that the killer is, of course, the cult, whatever its name is. I just don’t care. I’m just waiting for them all to die so I can stop reading this.

They go back to Stupid 1 and Rainbow Dash and tell them about the death of their friend. Stupid 1 doesn’t take the news well about his best friend dying. Oh, yes. Truly you two were the best of friends. In honor of him, let us take the time to reflect on all the times you two spent together…

…

Wow, those were great times.

They hear some screeches and decide to get out of the area; because the dead body wasn’t a good enough reason, I guess. Leaving Stupid 1 behind, which just makes me hate this story more as the cult apparently kills him too. Gee, that was sure quick. I didn’t even get to know his name or anything about him. This is precisely the problem!

I don’t know who these characters are! I don’t care who these characters are! There is nothing any of them have said or done to make me invested in the characters! And if I’m not invested in the characters, then I’m not exactly sad when they die!  And if I don’t care about them, then why should I be reading about them?!

Seriously, I cared more about the bus that committed suicide then I do any of these characters!

We then cut to the secondary group where Spike and Druggie are arguing, as the author puts it, pointless and irrelevant

Great words to describe this story!

Stupid 6 goes to find firewood when he is followed by Rarity. There’s some other stuff here, but frankly I don’t give a crap. Rarity reveals to Stupid 6 that she doesn’t want to hang around with a group of guys that she doesn’t know and do drugs.

Then why the hell did you decided to go with Druggie’s group and not with Twilight?! I’m thinking about naming you Stupid 9, Rarity.

So Stupid 6 puts his sweater on Rarity to protect her from the cold air. Five bucks says they have pony sex by the end of this. They start to carry on a romantic conversation, which goes by so fast you could barely tell they had it. Thanks for telling us all about their conversation, instead of actually showing us it!

They return to camp with the others passed out on weed and Rarity and Stupid 6 deciding to do the same.

We then cut back to our main group who are discussing what to do around a campfire.  And what does this scene do for us? I have no fucking idea. We aren’t developing our characters or our plot, so that makes this scene completely pointless.

We then cut back to our secondary group (seriously I’ve seen tennis games that go back and forth less than this) where Druggie and Spike, big shocker here, are getting high again. Is getting high their only personality trait? Because that is weak, weak, weak writing!

Druggie and Stupid 5 get into an argument, with Stupid 5 saying that he actually wants to make something of himself. And what exactly is that?

“Well then fuck you, you chickenfucker!”

Hey, that’s not nice to say that about Scootaloo!

Oh, come on. I have to at least make one Scootaloo chicken joke in my career! Even though they aren’t funny.

So, the argument goes back and forth with the f bomb being dropped every other word, making me look like a saint by comparison. We then find out that Druggie was cheated on by the mare he loved. This would be a shocking and heartfelt revelation, if I actually gave a crap!

So the argument just … kind of stops, and Druggie and Spike go back to smoking weed. Gee, I wonder if Druggie’s past love will actually matter in the long term. I sure hope so. Otherwise, this scene would have been completely pointless!

Anyway, the main group finally meets up with the secondary group and everyone who the author actually gives a shit about is all here. And there is not a single one of them that I actually care about! Seriously, it’s pretty sad when standing next to the six main characters of the show, the bus is my favorite character, because it did the only thing smart in this story! Getting the fuck out of it!

They explain what happened to Stupid 3 and 1 and how they were still unable to find Applejack and the others.

“Shieeettt, now I’m da only brotha out here...” said Tyrone, “tha dude was fly.”

What hell is that?! That isn’t even spelt the same as the last time you wrote it!

Spike stays completely in character with this line,

Let’s be frank, do we even really care about them?” said Spike, “I mean, what have they done that’s so important for us to save them?”

Yeah, Applejack never did anything for you, Spike. Not a single thing. She never saved you or helped you in any kind of way that you might owe her your life or something that proves she is a true friend and deeply cares about your wellbeing. Nope, not a single fucking thing. … By the way, explain this?

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Yeah, how fucking dare she try to save your ass and put her own life in jeopardy?! How fucking dare she distract those beasts to chase after her so you can run for safety?! How fucking dare she show of how great she is by nearly dying, just so she could save your sorry excuse for a life?! How fucking dare her?! Clearly, Applejack is truly shit! She is truly the worst kind of pony that could ever exist in the history of existing ponies! Saving someone else?! Fuck that shit! Protecting those you care about?! What a stupid concept! Actually showing concern when someone needs your help?! Pfft, I scoff at the idea!

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So, Twilight asks what the secondary group has done since they departed.

Absolutely nothing,” said Cannon

That’s an understatement.

Stupid 6 then explains to Twilight that Rarity was upset because the girls left her to find Applejack.

They volunteered, Rarity! They decided that they wanted to risk their lives to find their friend, you idiot! And they’re the villains?! What the fucking hell?! You know what? I am no longer referring to you as Rarity! From now on, you are Stupid 9, since you act nothing like the Rarity I love!

Just before they are about to turn in for the night, the cult attacks them.

Finally, the half-way point. Yes, this story has been shorter than others, but god does it feel like I’ve been reading this for years.

The group decides the best thing to do is to run away, but Twilight discovers that Stupid 9 isn’t with them. Stupid 6 tells Twilight that he will go get her, since he is her friend. Stupid 9 has been friends with Twilight for at least three seasons! And all of a sudden, this stallion, who she has known for all of 5 minutes, is suddenly more important to her than Twilight and the others!

And even if I were to buy that bullshit, they are being attacked by psychopaths that want to kill them! I think Stupid 9 would be willing to put aside her hatred against Twilight considering the circumstances!

And if you say that “Twilight might be trying to trick her” That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in the long list of stupid things I’ve heard!

So, Stupid 6 decides to let Stupid 9 sleep on his back while they run from the psychopaths…

This is it, everypony. This is the point where the author threw his hooves in the air and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

So, they start to retreat with Spike and Druggie running at the speed of an Olympic Sprinter due to their weed. Sure, I’ll believe whatever you want, if it ends this story quicker.

We then cut to the gay one and Applejack. Yes, they are still in this story… Lord knows they haven’t contributed anything so far. I think the author just found them as an excuse for more horrific death.  Applejack convinces the gay one to help her find the group. And the scene ends… Why was there a point to that scene again?

We cut back to the main group where we find that Dumbass has been shot in the leg. Stupid 6 comes over… Oh, wait sorry, “The strong, brave, heroic Stupid 6” as the story puts it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the author was trying to make the audience like Stupid 6, by telling us how “he is the greatest and he is the strongest, and kindest pony in the whole world”! While describing everypony else as, “Stupid, crybabies and retards”!

Because you told us how your character is SO much better than everypony else, it must be true! After all, you are the author and I HATE THIS STORY SO FUCKING MUCH!

The group is about to be attacked by the others when Applejack leaps out of the forest and disarms several of their pursuers.

Applejack gets blindsided by one of them as he points his gun for the killing blow. But the gay one runs in the middle of the shot, taking the bullet for Applejack.

Wow… That scene… So much emotion… So powerful… Jeb… Since you deserve your name… We will never forget your sacrifice that you made for Applejack. I never thought I’d say this about this story, but... That was actually kind of emotional. I mean, my god. Here is the story about a hidden friendship that nopony thought would ever happen. Only in death do they realize the true meaning of friendship. The potential character development that Applejack could possibly go though, it might actually be enough to keep this story a float! You did it! You actually got me interested in what will happen… Jeb, do you have any final words to your friend, who you sacrificed yourself to save?

"Bitch, are you kidding me,” said Jeb, coughing up blood. “I was just trying to run past you and get to the rest of the group. I was leaving you to die!" he shouted.

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YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! You did it! You fucking did it! You managed to take the only scene that I actually gave a shit about and you destroyed it! You destroyed it so badly that it wasn’t able to be recognized! You burned with acid and made sure that this scene rotted in hell for all of eternity! You stole any respect I had for this scene and your abilities of storytelling! Somebody kill me! Please, somebody kill me! End the madness! End the fucking madness!

So, Applejack regroups with the gathering of insensitive assholes and asks what has happened since they were separated.

“Nothing really,” said Cannon.

Dude! Like five ponies have died! And you call that nothing?!

They explain what happened to the others and travel along the road, impossibly finding themselves back at the house where the bus driver died. Were they just wondering in circles the entire time? I know they were in a forest and that they were being chased by psychopaths, but really?

“You have to be fucking kidding me!!!” yelled Wahlburn, “looks like we are all going to die after all.”

We can only hope.

They find a mysterious message on the wall and Twilight picks a seemingly random book off the shelf and starts reading it, instantly finding the words she needs to translate it. Seriously, how is it that in a room with hundreds of books, Twilight has the power to instantly know what book she needs to read to get her answers?

Instead of getting out of the house of the people that are trying to kill them, they continue to investigate, hoping to find some clues. They find a map which reveals a series of underground tunnels when they are suddenly spotted by Xaldin.

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever.

He says that he was the one that killed the bus driver and that his members have taken the lives of the others. He captures the group and says that he is going to take them to his king.

The druggie tries to attack them, but it turns out they are illusions… Sure, why not? Makes about as much sense as the personality changing spell.

So, as I said before, Xavier.

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever. Captures the group and says that he is going to take them to his king. Anyone else getting Deja vu?

The cult takes them into the tunnels and leads them to the king. The king who demands respect in his throne room! The king who murdered at least five ponies to achieve his end game! The pony named… Charles?... Seriously? Charles? Why don’t you just name him Bob or George? Those would be more intimidating names than fucking Charles?! Even your own minions laugh at your name!

“Sir,” said Xarlin, “wouldn’t it be better to actually use your official name? You know, to scare them off a bit? I mean Fabalis Rex sounds a lot more intimidating than...Charles.”

Thank you, Xuperman.

You’re not even trying anymore.

Computer, the author hasn’t tried for the past six chapter, why should I?

So, Charles tells them about the offer to join his group and when Xingledorf tells them that they are his prisoners, Charles acts thusly…

Damnit, Xarlin! You told me these were your friends, not enemies! Why would you do such a thing! I’m trying to make us look proper and intelligent, but you have to capture them? Well, I ought to banish you from our cult!” Xarlin put his head down in embarrassment. Charles looked back to the others and smiled, “Just kidding.

This story just took a bizarre 180 turn on me. Did I skip a chapter or something?

So, Druggie, being the ever loving genius that he is, insults Charles and Charles unleashes his son, who looks like an executioner from the dark ages. He even has a double bladed ax like one.  And it turns out the executioner is Charles’s son and he is named… Janice?

Pfft… seriously?! I know it’s immature but…

Janice flung his axe straight through the center of Walburn’s skull, leaving symmetrical halves of his brain lying on the extravagantly tiled floor of the throne room.

Holy shit!

Okay… um… I take back every hurtful thing I’ve said in this review. And not because there is a psycho who will kill me if I don’t.

So, I guess Druggie is dead and Charles decides to give them all a room to stay in. Oh, yeah. Let’s stay with the guy who is clearly a murdering psychopath! I don’t foresee anything going wrong there!

… Lead the way…

So, it turns out the rooms are actually prison cells. So… I guess they are prisoners, even though that Charles, clearly said they weren’t.

So the group decides to turn in for the night, feeling that whatever plan that Charles has for them, they won’t be able to deal with it until morning.

“Sheeeeiit...,” began Tyrone, “I wanted the bed.”

What is that?! What the freaking hell is that?! Why can’t you just say ‘Shit’?! Why can’t you talk like a normal person?! Why am I still reading this … SHEEEEIIIT?!

Poncho reveals that the dream he had. You know, the one dream that was completely forgotten up until now, actually revealed the order in which his friends died in. I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but whatever.

Stupid 6 and Stupid 9 get in a cell together and they start making lovey to each other. Who beat against them? Cough up the money!

The next morning the guards come in and yell at our heroes, though I use the term heroes lightly.

“King Charles wants to see you and your friends, ASAP.”

No, hurry though! Take your time! We are in no hurry! Take as long as you need! Just whenever possible!

So, Charles inspects the group and tells Stupid 6 and Stupid 5 that they will be both used as special gladiators. Sure, whatever.

Charles says that he expects them both to fight to the death, but Stupid 6 isn’t having any of it. Fortunately, Stupid 5 stops him from getting himself killed. Or is it unfortunately? I can’t tell at this point.

Stupid 5 and Stupid 6 gather weapons and head for the ring. Why don’t they just use those weapons to take down the guards? Now, you know why they are all appropriately named Stupid.

They battle a liger, which I admit to being kind of a cool battle. They manage to kill the creature and are approved to live. Oh, glorious…

A week passes by with the two doing the same thing. I thought this was a horror-slasher story! When did this become Gladiator! Seriously, did I skip a chapter?

Seriously, why are you changing the genre on us?! You had set up a slasher story and had stuck with that for the majority of the story and now you are throwing in this ancient Rome style storytelling. Was the slasher part of your story too boring so you had to make up this new crap to try and entertain us? Just stick with one genre and go with it! That was established in the first 2/3s of the story! And now you want to change the entire premise?!

Meanwhile, Dumbass and the other two Stupids (with the exception of Rarity’s stupid clone) work in the mines as they are too weak to fight in the arena. Though it would be sort of entertaining to watch them get torn apart by some rapid beast… What?! I need something to entertain me over this story!

What happens to Twilight and the other girls, you ask? … Yeah, that isn’t made very clear. I’m guessing it has something to do with him sexually assaulting them (given this story it wouldn’t exactly surprise me), but that isn’t made clear. The most we get is,

Clyde asked Rarity one night if Charles had hurt her, or the others, and she replied that there was no harm to them on any accord.

So, I guess over the span of a couple of weeks Stupid 6 and Stupid 9 have become very close. And how have they become so close? The author said so that’s why! The author skipped over anything that might resemble them attempting to have a conversation! Thanks for showing us how they got so close to each other!

So the day comes for the final battle against the champion, Janice. Charles says that Stupid 5 and Stupid 6 don’t stand a chance, since Janice is immortal. Yeah, we’ll see.

Remember how much respect I had for the last fight scene? There is none to be had for this one, especially not after this stupid line.

Janice was yelling at the top of his lungs the greatest battle cry anyone there had ever heard.

How exactly was it the greatest battle cry I’ve ever heard? Was it like a thunderclap echoing in the distance? Did the earth shake beneath your feet as his booming voice roared throughout the stadium? Did it sound like this?!

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So they fight for a while, with Janice finally getting the upper hoof. We are then described that the two Stupids were always good at setting up basketball alleyoops back home. Wow, I’m so glad we established that so early in the story. What was that like Chapter 1? And now 10 chapters later, it finally has a purpose? Well, it’s a good thing anyone who was actually reading didn’t forget that plot point that came up for… half a sentence? I mean, it was the thing that tied the story together! Without it, this story surely would have fallen apart! Surely this story could not have survived without that crucial element! I’m so glad that piece of plot came together at the end!

So Stupid 5 and 6 do their “special alleyoop move” and defeat Janice, killing him. What was that about immortal again? Why would you even bring that up if he wasn’t fucking immortal?! Was it to build tension?! You could have done that another way! Why not just say, “He has massacred armies that are more experienced than you!” Or “He single-hoofly tore off a dragon’s head!” That would have worked instead of killing something that you clearly established was immortal!

So, Charles is upset that his son is dead and he does his dramatic twist, I guess. How dramatic is this? You all saw this one coming. They have to fight each other to the death… I’m not doing the DUN DUN DUN video. It’s so obvious that I have no need for it. Hell, even the characters in the story knew this twist was coming.

Stupid 5 refuses to kill his friend, but Charles says he has no choice. Stupid 5 still refuses to fight and Charles says that he will kill his friends if he doesn’t. And then Stupid 7 is killed. Only a few more to go and I can move on with my life.

Stupid 5 says that he doesn’t know what to do, but Stupid 6, who had been unconscious up to this point, kills himself to save his friends.

I would say this was completely emotional, but this story already ruined it for me the last time it tried this, so you’ll forgive me if I’m not shedding any tears.

Tyrone walked up to the platform. “Sheeeit...

SHUT UP!

Anyway, the group says their goodbyes to Stupid 6 and we only have three Little Indian boys left… Sorry, little Agotha Christie there. Check it out, 10 Little Indian Boys or And Then There Were None. It’s a great read.

So, the characters decide that with Janice dead, they finally have a chance to attack and escape. Apparently, they are able to sneak past the guards, who are stupid enough to not be keeping a close eye on the guy who killed their former champion, but who cares?! The story is almost over!

But it turns out that it was all a trap! Wait what? You already had them in your mitts, you idiot! You let them out of your trap, just so you could trap them again! Who the fuck does that?!

Anyway, Xladamir, the third, attacks the heroes and stabs Stupid 5 in the gut. But, Stupid 5 has enough strength to stab his opponent in the gut as well. What is the point of all this? Well, it turns out that Stupid 5 has a master plan…

“My plan all along was to get him to stab me so I can hold him in place while you guys go after Charles. Now, if either of us move, the dagger will go in deeper...We are both going to, slowly, bleed to death.”

So, your big plan… is to die? Basically… your plan was to get him to stab you… so that you could bleed out and die? That is… the single dumbest plan I’ve ever heard! You were hoping that he would stab you?! You were hoping that you would have enough strength to raise your own weapon?! You were hoping that none of his men were able to get up and stab you in the back while you were defenseless?! What kind of a plan is that?! That’s more like a Leeroy Jenkins than an actually plan!

So, the two die as the others run off to fight Charles. They find him in a hidden room behind the throne room and discover that he is in the middle of a ritual. He reveals a magical staff that Twilight seems to know all about. Even though it was never mentioned in the story up to this point!

this staff is known as the Staff of Renascentia. With it, and the drainage of ALL my magical power, I can simply resurrect any being I want. With enough ponies, I can resurrect the same amount of dead beings as ritual participants. I should also mention that the being that gets resurrected will retain all memories, that is if the pony responsible of reviving that specific being remembers their last moment, words, or thoughts. They will have either a scar or pain in the area that killed them, but other than that effect, it’s basically a free resurrection.”

Wait… so, there is a staff that can raise the dead? And it is so unimportant that you couldn’t even mention it or hint at it before now?  Why does he have a staff that brings beings back from the dead? How does he know that it does that? If he has used it in the past, how does he still have his magical powers? What is he planning to sacrifice in order to resurrect his son if he has no magical powers to drain? Why are you going into full detail about the staff to the heroes? Why the hell were you crying and bitching about your son being dead if you knew that the staff was going to just bring him back to life?

These questions and more Twilight so curiously starts asking and we get this half-assed explanation.

“Ah. A very keen detail you noticed. I also forgot to mention another detail about this staff. When the ritual is complete, the participant, chooses the exact place and time to go back to before the being’s death. Basically, you go back in time and before you talk about paradoxes, only the participant will remember what happened. For example, if the ritual would take place now, only you all and myself would remember and all other beings that died, such as my good friend Xarlin, will remain dead. Now are there anymore questions?”

So, it’s not really a staff of resurrection, it’s more a staff of time travel. That still doesn’t explain how you are able to use it multiple times! If it drains all your magical energy, then when you catch up to the present you would still have no magical powers left, unless you sent the one from the past into the future, but that would mean any magical powers you had prior to the present would be nonexistent!  And why would it take away your magical powers, if it was just going to give them back to you?! This is the stupidest staff in existence!

So, Stupid 8, through the magic of who cares, steals a gun from one of the guards and shoots and kills Charles. Wow, that was underwhelming… Anyway, they get the staff and decide to use its confusing ass powers to bring somepony they care about back to life.

Please, let it be the bus! Please, let it be the bus!

So after touching the staff, they travel back to the bus, sending them back in time, essentially bringing everypony back to life and wasting my time!

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Everyone cheers and laughs. The audience cries, but not for the reasons the author intended. And look even the bus driver manages to come back to life!

So they drive off into the forest hoping to find their way home, however they manage to get to a beach house somewhere. And our story ends with the bus driver looking at his GPS, saying that it took them to South Beach.

And … that’s it. The story just kind of ends. I don’t know if this was supposed to hook us in on the rest of the series, but it doesn’t. It just kind of stops without anything to hook us. Maybe South Beach is a famous place or something, but to me, that just means it’s a beach in Miami. And if that’s all I get from this, why should I read the next story?

Hell, why should I have read this story in the first place?! I’m not familiar with the slasher film formula, but is everyone that dies in a slasher movie so damn unlikable? Is that common? Are you always rooting for the monster to eat everyone or the killer to murder the main characters?

This story kind of starts off as this slasher story, but then it takes a weird ass turn into a gladiator fate of the world story, instead of just a survival horror story. And neither one of them is very good. The majority of the characters are so mean-spirited that it makes it hard to connect and sympathize with them. I felt no emotion over the death of these characters, because we were never given enough time to know them.

Other than Druggie, I don’t know anything about them! Why? Because they were not important enough for me to give a crap about! You have to make your audience sympathize and care about your characters! If you can’t do that, then the story falls apart.

And for a story called the Poncho Chronicles, Poncho doesn’t do anything! Poncho wasn’t the one who fought in the gladiator tournaments! He wasn’t the one who discovered the cult! He wasn’t the one who fell in love with Rarity and he wasn’t the one who defeated the villain! He didn’t do anything, but whine about his life being so miserable! He’s the title character! That’s like calling a book Harry Potter, but having Neville Longbottom do all the work!

And furthermore, what was the villain’s goal here? He was just so damn one dimensional! The villain didn’t seem to be interested in anything or have any goals or anything he wanted to do. He just seemed to be evil just… well, because. There is no backstory about the character, no greed, no misguided sense of justice, no reason he is after this group of ponies, and no reason for this character to even exist, making him completely forgettable!

The plot is all over the place. It has no idea if it wants to be a slasher or an adventure and ultimately, it fails on both accounts. This story had potential. The idea was a solid one. The main six and some others are in the middle of the woods with a killer after them. But it was completely undermined by the terrible characters, the mean-spirited tone, and the fact that there was some never fully explained bullshit about their personalities and abilities that ruined the entire thing! The ending is a rushed mess and it’s just so uninvesting.

There is only one word that can properly describe this story.

Sheeeeeeiiit...

That’d be the one. Have a great day guys.

One Winged Pony

Warning: This review contains course language. View Discretion is advised.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

One of my favorite gaming franchises of all time is Final Fantasy. It’s fun gameplay, interesting characters and story, catchy music and just overall fun to be had is what I enjoy the most. While I do have my personal opinions on the best Fantasy *cough* Final Fantasy 6 is the best. *cough*, some would feel that the best Final Fantasy to date is number 7.

And I can see why. With compelling characters, a great customization as far as the battle system, an intriguing story with plenty of twists and turns that keep you guessing and a fantastic score by Nobuo Uematsu, who is the genius behind creating the majority of the game’s greatest music. (Although a pony could have probably done it better. After all, we are God’s messengers of melody)

But there is one character of all the great characters in the story that stands out above the rest and that is the One Winged Angel himself, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth is the main villain of Final Fantasy 7 and arguably the most popular of all the villains in the series. His dark persona, threatening presence, long white hair and even longer deadly blade make him an easily recognizable villain.

He is a ruthless killer who seeks to create a new utopia in the world by destroying the world that already exists and become a god in the process. He plans to feed off the energy that will be released by dead beings that inhabit the world called the Lifestream. To accomplish this, he summons a powerful meteor that will annihilate all life on the planet and cause a large part of the planet to be damaged. The Lifestream energy would then gather in hopes of keeping the planet alive so that life could one day begin again, where Sephiroth would consume the Lifestream, leaving the world a dying husk with Sephiroth free to create whatever life he wanted.

However, Cloud, the hero of said story, and his allies are able to stop his plans from destroying their world.

So, let me ask you this? Does a psychopathic killer who is bent on destroying all life, so that he can become a god, sound like he would be threatened by a world with multi-colored ponies?

… That was not the reaction I was expecting… Anyway, I’m not opposed to crossovers. In fact, some of my stories are crossovers…. I didn’t say they were good crossovers.

But, I’ve wasted enough of your time. Let’s dig into One Winged Pony by Syeekoh

Again, there are spoilers for this story. If you have not read it yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you.

So our story begins with Celestia calling the main 6 to deal with a catastrophe. Just a normal day in the land of Equestria.

Rainbow Dash mentions it being an unruly dark cloud… Wait, what?

When does Rainbow Dash say unruly?

"This is about the unruly black cloud over Ponyville, right?" Rainbow Dash piped up, her demeanor as eager as ever.

I admire her extension into her vocabulary, but that line needed to be about… yeah, you all know where I’m going with this. Don’t pretend like you don’t.

So, the others express what problems the black cloud has been causing, from nearly ruining the Zap Apple Harvest to mildly inconveniencing Rarity by blacking out her windows. Which Rarity takes about as well as you could expect.

Twilight tells the others that she discovered, thanks to her time with a cult, that she was able to figure out that this was… Wait, a cult? What cult? We never saw a cult! Why is she in a cult?! That doesn’t make any sense! When did she join a cult?! It’s the first fucking chapter, dude! When the freaking heck did you establish that she was in some sort of cult?!

Twilight’s friends are as shocked as we are to find out that Twilight is in a cult, except for Fluttershy, who we find out is also in a cult. Again, I refer you to the freak out I had when Twilight said the same damn thing!

So, it turns out that Fluttershy’s cult was worshiping the color Blue. I am not making this up, guys. I’m sure this will be relevant to the plot later.

So after that bit of filler, even to which Princess Celestia has to facehoof herself, Twilight explains that a religious group called the Qlappalists had been attempting to bring a powerful being into their world by the name of Etz Khayyim.  (By the way, the Qlappalists. Yeah, they’re totally pointless. Just like a lot of things in this story, but I’ll get to that later)

Celestia exposits that Etz Khayyim is the Hebrew word for “Tree of Life”. However, after looking up the word we find out that Etz Khayyim is spelled wrong. I don’t know if there are flexible spellings for this word, but from what I found Etz Hayim or sometimes Etz Chaim is the correct spelling.

And what does the tree of life have to do with Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7? There was no tree of life in the game. I don’t know, maybe it was in the seven billion expansions to the game.

So, Celestia explains that, while in heaven, she was able to breathe life into the earth… I think. This story is incredibly difficult to read. There is not much describing going on, so I can’t tell what the freaking heck is going on or even who is talking at the moment!

Twilight blinked. "What do you mean, 'send their minds?' How does that even...wait, we're getting off track. What does Etz Khayyim have to do with the black cloud over Ponyville and why are we dreaming about it overlaid with-what is the"

What is the… the what? Are you going to finish that sentence, Twilight? There is no punctuation, so I am assuming you are still talking. Twilight? Twilight? Aw, screw it.

"A sword." Celestia replied matter-of-factly.

Everypony stared at her.

"A greatsword, actually, wielded once by a renowned warrior who fused with the planet in an attempt to destroy it."

Rainbow Dash said, "What now? This is a metatarsal or something, right?"

"Do you mean perhaps 'metaphor'? A metatarsal is a wingtip bone-"

"So-o-o-ry, Miss Know-it-all Twilight. I'm not a walking dictionary like you-"

Wait, if Celestia is supposed to be the one talking, why the hell are you yelling at Twilight, Rainbow Dash? And if Twilight is talking, how is the reader supposed to know that?! There are at least seven characters in the room! If there was just two characters talking back and forth, yeah that would be one thing, but there are seven characters who have dialogue. Help us keep track of them!

So, Celestia reveals that Sephiroth was a being that infected the planet and that Celestia used her powers to keep him at bay. Wait… he just made the My Little Pony world, the same world that Final Fantasy 7 takes place in…

"Sephiroth is the name of the infection upon this planet-"

"You mean how Nightmare Moon infected Luna?"

"Y-yes, Pinkie I suppose that to be an apt similarity to draw. His return would cause chaos-"

How the hell are we supposed to know who the hell is talking?! I know you said the names of the characters, but you keep doing that throughout the entire story! People do not talk that way! I do not say someone’s name when I am talking directly to them! This is worse than talking head syndrome! At least, I could see the heads of the characters I know are talking!

For those of you who don’t know, talking head syndrome is when a group of characters are in a long line of dialogue with no action being taken by either party. It’s just line of dialogue after line of dialogue, making the audience think that is it just two or more severed heads delivering their lines. This is not a play! We can’t see the actors in front of us! You have to bring the show to life by making them move with your words!

So after Celestia explains how important it is to defeat Sephiroth, Twilight and the others begin their journey.

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Oh, god, I wish.

The characters attempt to stop the dark cloud, but prove unable to. Rarity suggests using Vinyl Scratch’s subsonic sound projector… Wait what?

So they use the subsonic sound projector, which Vinyl explains that is how she cleans her dishes, which makes no sense mind you, to attack the dark cloud.

The attack proves ineffective, as is the pacing of the story. It’s way rushed and you’re not allowed anytime to get a sense of what is going on. Everything is kind of thrown at you really fast, without given a chance to catch your breath.

And again, we see a lot more of the talking head syndrome. There needs to be action going on in this story! This is a battle against a dark cloud hovering above Ponyville! There needs to be some kind of action going on! All your characters are doing are telling us what is happening instead of showing us what is happening!

So it turns out that the music doesn’t affect the evil cloud and it just keeps growing in mass. We then get this pointless scene in an attempt to add some humor to the story, but all it does it make me roll my eyes.

"What is it, girls? Is there something on my face?"

They shook their heads.

Fluttershy brushed her hooves through her mane, "Is there something on my mane?"

They shook their heads.

"Oh no, is there something on my face AND my mane?"

They shook their heads in unison.

"Then what is it?"

Rainbow Dash lifted a hoof to point behind Fluttershy. Fluttershy turned her head back and caught sight of the cloud. "Oh, that's just a giant scary cloud-" she did a double take and screamed at the top of her lungs, "THAT'S A GIANT SCARY CLOUD OF EVIL OVER THE EVERFREE FOREST!!" and shot behind her friends, shivering in fear.

And I thought my jokes were terrible, especially since, we established that the dark cloud was still around!

So finally, the heroes decide to use the Elements of Harmony to solve their problem. Why didn’t they just start with that? At least with Discord and Chrysalis, it made sense why they couldn’t.

So, Twilight comes up with a plan to throw the dark cloud in an alternate dimension.

Wait a second, last chapter their plan was to use the Elements of Harmony to defeat it! And now, they are using this dimensional plan, which by the way makes no sense! Unless they are planning to use the mirror from the Crystal Empire, how in the hell is Twilight going to be able to send the dark cloud to another dimension?!

Oh, and here’s a load of crap for you. Twilight says that she’s going to toss the cloud into another dimension, making it that dimension’s problem! Rarity then states that the dimension that Twilight sends it to would most likely not have any life, since Luna and Celestia are the ones who created life.

That is the stupidest thing ever!

1: Are you saying that Celestia created all life in the world?! That she is basically a god?! Why doesn’t she just wiggle her nose and fix the problem?! Why the hell does she need Twilight to beat this dark cloud when she could probably do it with her hooves tied behind her back?!

2: There are equal number of dimensions that have life that don’t have life! There are literally infinite possibilities and you want to throw a cloud in another dimension, making it their problem! What if you send it to a dimension that doesn’t have a way to counteract it?! You would damn them to oblivion! The mirror from the Crystal Empire proves that there are just as many dimensions with life as there are without! And Twilight would never do that!

3: What about the worlds that didn’t need Celestia and Luna to sustain or create life?! Are Luna and Celestia just omnipresent in all dimensions?!

So, Twilight, somehow, tears a rift in the space-time continuum, with Rarity’s help… As she sings a song. … What the fuck? And pulls a pony out of the black cloud.

Rarity, it turns out know this song because she is a Soosi. So… what is a Soosi?

"I know that was hard for you, Rarity. I'm proud of you...if that's ok with you, I mean," Fluttershy said softly.

Wait, what is a Soosi?

Rainbow started, "Is it true that all Sooses have horns, even the non-unicorns?"

Applejack went on, "Is it true that ya use Celestian foal's blood in yer holiday crackers, and that ya control tha media?"

What the fucking hell is a Soosi?

Pinkie shot in with, "Is true you have a holiday called Ponykah where you have not one day of presents, but eight crazy nights!?"

WHAT THE FUCK IS A SOOSI?!

We then get an author’s note explaining the Soosi.

The word "Soosi"  comes from the Hebrew for "horse", and the myths she debunks are Jews having horns, a very volitiale myth concerning Jews using the blood of Catholic children in their matzah in the middle ages, and an inflammatory false treatise called "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion"

While I do commend you for actually telling us what a Soosi is, why the fuck didn’t you explain it in the story?! Why is this so unimportant that this couldn’t be explored upon in the actual story?! If it is so unimportant that you resort to an author’s note explaining it, why the fuck did you even bring it up in the first place?! That is not good story telling! If you bring up something, make it relevant! If you don’t know how to make it relevant, cut it from the final draft! It’s called editing! If something doesn’t work or doesn’t have any purpose to the story, cut it out! It has no place in the story if it doesn’t help build the plot or the characters! It’s just wasting our time!

So they look for the pony Twilight dragged from the dimensional prison and find that he is a pony with a horn and a dark wing and a white wing. Hmm… I don’t remember Sephiroth having two wings in the original game.

Hm... I’m going to have to dock points for inaccuracies.

Our heroes take Sephiroth to a hospital to be treated for his injuries.

So you say you found him unconscious in the Everfree?" Doctor Caramel asked irritatedly. "What in Tartarus was an unidentified alicorn doing in the Everfree? And why didn't you bring him to Canterlot? They have much better facilities for treating alicorns!

Hey, this is my job, pal! If you want to point out the plot holes in this story, you’ll have to fight me for it!

So, yeah, they never really explain why they couldn’t just take Sephiroth to Canterlot. It’s not like it was a life or death situation. And even if it was, it was never explained in the story. So, how the hell are we supposed to know if it is a life or death situation without us even knowing how badly injured he is?!

So they go to his room and wake him up. Sephiroth is in shock to see world of talking ponies…

His voice eked out, "You're all...you're all...HORSES!"

He made Sephiroth… one of the most bad ass villains in all of Final Fantasy… screech like a 5 year old girl…

"fuck! Shit! Fuck, this isn't happening!" he swore as he stumbled out of bed onto his back hooves, slowly losing his balance as he fell down onto his front hooves.

And he made him a potty mouth… Well, at least this story can’t get much worse…

I know! He made up new words!" Pinkie exclaimed, "and I like them! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shitty shitty fuck fuck, shitty shitty fuck!"

AND YOUR STORY SHOULD ROT IN HELL BECAUSE THAT IS HOW STUPID IT IS! AND THAT IS PUTTING IT MILDLY!

So, Sephiroth reveals his name to be Safer. Ha, ha, I get it, because the last enemy in the game is called Safer-Sephiroth. Ha, ha, ha. And for the rest of you who didn’t play the game, he just alienated you. How does that make you feel?

There, there… just let it all out.

"And I'm the P to the inkie, to the P-R-I-T-E, and come on Mister Safer, WON'T YOU PLEASE MAKE FRIENDS WITH ME??!!??" Pinkie wailed as she dove into the alicorn who could barely get a hoof up before she barreled him over onto the ground. "I'm Pinkalicious!" She said with a wink.

Ha, ha, ha. Again, that is a popular meme from the Friendship is Magic series. If you have not seen the videos, you are feeling alienated again, aren’t you?

Stop alienating your audience! You’ve already narrowed your story down to people who can actually stomach this crap and now you want to throw in jokes with people who are not familiar with the source material?!

Yes, there is the crossover tag, but how the hell is anyone supposed to know what the crossover is to? And if you say, “It’s in the title.” It’s not in the fucking title! One Winged Angel is the song that was created as the final fight against Sephiroth. The reason for the title of the song was because Sephiroth had one wing on his back… (And like 6 beneath his torso, but apparently those don’t count) However, if someone was unfamiliar with that, they would not make the connection of One Winged Angel to Final Fantasy 7! All it would have taken is for you to say, “This is a Final Fantasy 7 crossover with MLP” and that would have dismissed confusion and you wouldn’t have people missing the references. (Well, you would, but at least they’d know where to go to get answers!)

So, Sephiroth, again a murdering psychopath with absolutely no mercy and a complete and total badass, tricks Twilight and her friends into helping him, by pretending to be a nice pony. Yes, apparently, Twilight and her friends are going to trust this stranger who they found in the middle of a DARK CLOUD THAT WAS TRYING TO KILL THEM!

Rarity then takes a liking to Sephiroth and offers to make him a complete ensemble. Sure why not? Pinkie Pie then sings her new friend a song… That I cannot hear! There is no reason for a song in this story! What the fucking hell?!

So after that pointless scene, in which Sephiroth gets a dark cloak and still, nopony notices that he is clearly evil! We get Twilight reading her latest letter, that she is going to send to Celestia, to Sephiroth. Why? I don’t know. Something has to motivate Sephiroth to go after Celestia. He couldn’t just look into the sky one morning before the sun rises and see her raising the sun and him wanting to know more about her that way. Nope, Twilight just has to exposited in front of him. I’m sure this won’t come back to bite her in the ass!

So, Sephiroth sends a letter to Celestia, revealing that he is here and if she doesn’t do exactly what he tells her to do, Sephiroth will kill Twilight.

Are you sure this is the same Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7? Last I checked, Sephiroth wasn’t exactly subtle about any of his plans! He burned down and murdered an entire town all because he was pissed off at him being experimented on! He’s not some grand schemer that needs to hide behind a nice face! He manipulated the entire world to chase him and gather all his enemies in one spot in an effort to destroy them all at once. He manipulated his mother into doing his work for him, posing as this unstoppable evil that spread terror and death where ever he went! He didn’t need to make friends, he was a one man army!

Hell, what is his plan anyway?! As far as we know, Equestria does not follow the same rules as Sephiroth’s world, since Celestia recreated the world with the Tree of Life! So merging with the Lifestream is impossible! And even if it was, Sephiroth was only able to nearly destroy his world with an item called the ‘Black Materia’, a powerful gemstone that could summon a meteor that could end all life on their world! He doesn’t have access to it! There is no mention of it! So, what the hell is his plan?! It can’t to become an alicorn, he’s already one!

Logically, his plan would involve attacking the Tree of Life and attempting to steal it’s power, but that’s never mentioned! He makes no attempt to attack it or even find out what it is! Instead, he wastes his and our time by trying to trick Twilight and her friends into thinking he is some kind of nice guy! What the hell is stopping him from getting a knife and threatening Spike or some pony Twilight holds dear and demanding the location of the Tree of Life?!

Okay, I’m not getting anywhere like this and I’m more than halfway there, so let’s just end this.

So, Celestia wakes up … covered in blueberries? What the hell?

Apparently, Discord has captured both Celestia and Luna, even though it was clearly established that he was a good guy in the last chapter, but what do I know about consistency?

Discord threatens Celestia with… a banana?

Okay, this is officially the point where the author threw up his hooves and said “Screw it, I don’t care.” Don’t believe me, he’s just using jokes from the brony community that were popular for all of 2 seconds instead of actually putting thoughts into his jokes and trying to make them funny and relevant! And this just comes the fuck out of nowhere?! Why the hell does Celestia and Luna need to be trapped in blueberries for Discord to have a conversation about Sephiroth?!

I mean, what kind of person would just come up with random memes and use them as part of his story? What a stupid concept!

… … Oh, hello there kettle. I didn’t see you there.

Oh and the pointless banana joke. Don’t worry about that one. I’ll be getting back to that one later.

So, Celestia, Luna and Discord start to converse about what to do about Sephiroth. Why the hell did this warrant them referring to stupid memes?! Aw, fuck it! Let’s just get this over with!

"Safer Sephiroth...sounds like a video game villain to me. All Blam and no pizzaz," Discord spat out.

Get it… because he is a video game character… But if you’ve never heard of him, you wouldn’t know that… So that joke was not only stupid… it was pointless…

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Then Luna says this line…

Dost he dare deceive Twilight Sparkle into ripping open the dimensional prison

How the hell was he able to generate a dark cloud over Equestria from a dimensional prison?! And yet have no access to his god like abilities when he is freed?! How did he even know that Twilight would free him by attempting to send the dark cloud to another dimension, instead of doing the sensible thing and actually DEAL WITH IT THEMSELVES?!

So, it is revealed that Sephiroth needs to destroy the planet due to an uncontrollable reflex of the being cloned from Jenova.

Sephiroth was not a clone of Jenova. He had Jenova cells injected into him while he was still in his mother’s womb. This caused him to be incredibly powerful! He was not cloned from another being! True, he was experimented on to become a super soldier and does have a severe God-complex, but he’s not a biological duplicate!

However, because he was injected with Jenova cells, believed himself to be a being Jenova’s son, as that is what he was told his mother’s name was.

And what is Jenova you ask? Jenova is an alien life form that came to Earth thousands of years before the events of the game. Jenova is a creature that spreads itself like a virus, infecting those it touches, turning them into monsters! It has the power to create illusions or create psychic links with those that it infects.

And why am I going into detail with this? Because the author botches this part of the story, by explaining that Jenova was manipulating Sephiroth to do evil deeds. That is not true. Jenova is simply an instinctive being, like an animal! It just does what it does because that’s what it is! Sephiroth is a human being with goals and ambitions! Sephiroth was manipulating Jenova to do his bidding, not the other way around.

So, Celestia, Luna and Discord (after butchering the backstory of Sephiroth) finally decided to talk about how to defeat him. However, it is revealed that they cannot simply kill Sephiroth as he is somehow connected to Equestria. If Sephiroth dies then Equestria dies.

How the hell is Sephiroth connected to Equestria?! Luna and Celestia were the ones to create all life on it! Did they make a deal with Sephiroth that they got to create all life, but if Sephiroth dies, the world ends?! That is really, really stupid!

They finally come up with the plan to banish him to the moon.

I wonder if that is how Celestia and Luna solve all their problems.

Pollution? Banish it to the moon!

Terrorists? Banish it to the moon!

Jealous sisters? Banish it to the moon!

Horribly written stories? Banish it to the moon!

We then cut to Applejack, who is showing Sephiroth all of the products the Apple Family makes. I don’t think they make products to sell. I think they sell apples to make products, but again, what do I know?

Applejack then shows Sephiroth her favorite “apple” product.

No, no. Not those kinds of apple products.

Get it? Because her name is Applejack… Ha, ha, ha…

Yeah, let me show you what Applejack’s favorite apple product is.

Youtube Video

Baby Applejack is so adorable… I mean… um… Monster trucks and … other manly … stuff….

So, Applejack, Big McIntosh and Sephiroth start getting drunk. And now he’s turn Sephiroth into a drinker… God, I hate this story…

And then Applejack tells about the time she made out with her cousin, Braeburn. Oh, insensitive stereotypes, it’s a good thing we have you around. What else could cause a person to have zero respect for a poorly written story so quickly? Thank you, insensitive stereotypes, you’re the best!

We then cut to Rainbow Dash who is teaching Sephiroth how to fly. Even though, he could clearly fly with only one wing. I don’t see how two wings would be a problem.

During his lessons, Sephiroth explains that he was a soldier in a PMC and that’s why he has military training. He starts to ask questions about the defenses Equestria offers and Rainbow Dash of course tells him. (This will serve no purpose in the story later. Trust me.)

Celestia then arrives to greet Sephiroth with the most subtle way she can.

"Well, Sir Sefer, I give visits to all foreign dignitaries, and having one from a different dimension would be my delight!" almost growling out that last word. "My friends here in Ponyville have had nothing but nice things to say about you. I would like to confirm these things for myself. Would any of your new friends like to come along?" Celestia queried.

Okay, one, with that kind of subtly, you might as well hold up a big sign that says, “Safer is Evil!”. That would have been more subtle.

Two, why the hell are you endangering one of the ponies you care about by asking them to travel with a dangerous psychopath, who is holding your friends hostage?!

Get him alone and kick his ass, Celestia! What’s wrong with you?!

So, Sephiroth suggests that Fluttershy come with them, since he hasn’t had a chance to threaten her yet. Oh, wait that’s the real Sephiroth. Let me try that again… Since he hasn’t had a chance to befriend her yet. There we go. That’s far more accurate.

So, Sephiroth asks what Fluttershy does in the town and Fluttershy explains her passion.

"Well I have kitties and seals and otters, falcons, eagles, toucans and bats and flamingos, and a v-very cute flying squirrel." Fluttershy said, "but my favorite is my Angel bunny."

"Angelbunny?"

"Oh, no, no, no...his name is Angel, and he's a bunny. He's very much alive."

I don’t think that Sephiroth was thinking that Angel was a dead bunny. But considering the stupidity of this Sephiroth, maybe he did.

Anyway, they arrive in Canterlot and Discord does the only thing smart that the characters have done so far. He actually gets Fluttershy away from Sephiroth, so she is out of harm’s way. And why the hell couldn’t Celestia have done that?!

Whatever, the story is almost over.

So Discord disappears with Fluttershy, leaving just Sephiroth and Celestia.

Celestia let out a breath. "Now...Sephiroth."

"El," Safer Sephiroth replied, "or is it Adonai Elohim, or Adonai Eloheinu or Kadosh Barukh Hu? Perhaps El Shaddai-"

What is with the nicknames?! Why are they important?! Why does Celestia have them?! What do they serve to the fucking story?! Explain it! Explain it to me!

So, Celestia and Sephiroth start fighting, though I use that term loosely since the fight is so hard to follow, because it isn’t described very well.

How DARE you attempt to usurp the name of Israel for yourself!

How is Israel even involved in this?! You are in freaking Equestria! What does Israel have to do with anything?!

Luna, Discord and Fluttershy overhear the battle and proceed to just stand there and watch. You know Luna, you’re the little sister of Celestia. You are probably almost as powerful as her. You could probably help her out. And Discord, you are a god of chaos. You can control reality! You could probably help out too!

… You two are going to leave it to Celestia, aren’t you? Not going to help her at all? Okay then.

We cut to the main heroes where they are preparing a welcome to Equestria for Sephiroth. However, Luna arrives to tell them the truth about him.

We then get an author’s note explaining the religious references…

"Zion" is the legendary city on a hill from scripture,

The names that are used by Sephiroth translated are as follows:God, the Lord God, Lord our God, Holy One Blessed Be He, and God the Mighty. The name Celestia uses is God the Merciful.

Celestia refers to Israel because Jacob received the name Israel after wrestling with an angel in a dream, and pinning him successfully.

I am not a religious expert by any stretch of the imagination, so I can’t say what is right or wrong in this case. What I can say that it is stupid to include it when it serves no purpose to the overall story! It’s like you just put it in there just so that you could claim its deep, when really you’re just wasting our time! It’s not deep, it’s not clever and it’s making the story unnecessarily longer than it needs to be! You waste our time with this, when you could be developing the characters and the plot! If it doesn’t serve the story in anyway, don’t use it!

So, they set up the Super Sonic Sound Projector from earlier and they suggest the song from earlier to power the machine, instead of the Elements of Harmony. I would say how stupid this is, but I just want to get this story over with as quickly as possible.

However, Rarity says that she doesn’t know the song, but Sweetie Belle comes out of nowhere and claims that she does. Look, I like Sweetie Belle as much as the next pony, but where the fuck did she come from?! She hasn’t appeared once in this story and now she just pops out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason!

We then find out that Lyra, Silver Spoon, Cheerilee, and Derpy are also Soosi. And then Rainbow Dash and Applejack say probably the most offensive things I’ve ever seen.

"Ah thought Sooses're supposed ta be quick as whips. The othas ah understand-but Derpy...hoo-wee, ain't that somethin'!"

"Maybe the horn grew into her brain..." Rainbow mused.

So, they ready the sound projector to fire at Sephiroth, there some other stuff here, but frankly it’s pretty pointless to the story.

We cut back to the battle against Sephiroth, where Sephiroth hears the voices of the singers making their last effort to defeat him. He rushes to the source of the voice with Celestia not far behind.

We then get this scene…

"HEY SEPHIROTH, DO YOU LIKE BANANAS!?" Celestia bellowed out across the expanse.

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO WITH ANYTHING...LOOK, I DON'T KNOW, ALRIGHT?" Sephiroth shouted from behind the ball of energy.

"SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU LIKE BANANAS, HUH?" Celestia bellowed out, winking at Luna.

Luna piped up, a ball of energy collecting between the three beings, "THOU ART A CUR WHO DOST NOT KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THOU LIKEST BANANAS!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" Sephiroth yelled out.

Discord shouted out, "FORGIVE LUNA, SHE'S A LITTLE OLD FASHIONED. WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY WAS 'YOU'RE A BITCH THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER ON NOT HE LIKES BANANAS!'"

"YES, THAT'S RIGHT! THOU ART A, YOU ARE A BITCH THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU LIKE BANANAS!"

"YOU DARE MOCK ME!?" Sephiroth screamed out beyond the din of the flowing energy.

"SO YOU DON'T DENY BEING A BITCH THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT HE LIKES BANANAS?" Celestia shouted.

"I DENY YOU, FOUL MISTRESS OF HEAVEN!" Sephiroth yelled out as his black energy ball crackled, arcs of lightning shooting around it.

So, they finally send Sephiroth off to the moon and everypony starts rejoicing. Vinyl Scratch is even offered to be a knight in Canterlot and given all the perks.

And now you know the point of this story. This story was just a big love letter to Vinyl Scratch. I like Vinyl as much as any pony else, but she wasn’t even in the story to begin with! She wasn’t the main focus of the story and didn’t contribute anything, other than her equipment!

And before you all say, “Without the equipment, they would have lost”, I will give you that. But what about Cheerilee, Derpy, Sweetie Belle and Lyra?! In the story, the song starts to fail with just Rarity and Sweetie Belle, it is only after Lyra, Cheerilee and Derpy join in that Sephiroth is actually defeated! And hell, Sweetie Belle knew the song they needed to sing when Rarity didn’t!

Why aren’t they honored as well?!

This story isn’t nearly as bad as some others I’ve reviewed, but dear lord does it have serious problems!

The premise doesn’t make any sense! Why would you want Sephiroth to be in Equestria?! It doesn’t make any sense! For that matter, was this even Sephiroth to begin with?! Because it wasn’t the Sephiroth that I remember from the game! The real Sephiroth would have most likely burn down Ponyville as he would have play the nicety game. He’s a psychopath with no sympathy towards others and no remorse towards his actions.

Was he supposed to be an original villain, but you decided to use a popular villain instead? That would make this even more stupid! Why ruin a perfectly awesome villain by making him so cliché?!

The religious references were unnecessary since they at the end do not fit within the realms of either franchise! Neither the game, Final Fantasy, nor My Little Pony have anything to do with the religious references you mention, so they feel completely out of place here. And because they have no relevance to the plot or characters that couldn’t be found another way, they are pointless!

There is way too much talking head syndrome in this story! Characters aren’t given any actions or any feel to them! They are just floating heads that read their dialogue like a script instead of giving us actually movement to them, like an actually character.

This could have been done a million different ways, but at the end, the way it was done just doesn’t work because both franchises play backseat to the religious stuff that has no place in this kind of story. Have a great day guys.

Gainbow Dash

He moved from his kitchen carrying a plate of darkened brown bread. It steamed as he sat at his favorite spot. His stomach growled at him as he began his day. I know, I know, he thought to himself, as if his hunger was a living entity that needed to be appeased.  

Appearing from the wall behind him, through what appeared to be a portal, was a long robotic arm, carrying a glass of orange liquid.

“Your juice, sir,” Computer stated, as her robotic arm appeared before him, holding out the glass.

He raised his hoof and lifted the glass from its resting place. “Thank you, Computer.” He tipped the glass up to his mouth as the liquid slithered down his throat. The drink tangy flavor filled his taste buds as he continued to swallow it down, only to be replaced not a second later. When the contents were drained, he moved the glass away from his mouth and gave a satisfied sigh.

He placed the glass back on the robotic arm, allowing it to slither back into the confines of the house. He often wondered where the mechanical arms went after they were done assisting him. She had once explained to him that it was dimensional transcendent. She tried to explain about a geometric shape, the Tesseract, but he could barely follow any of it.

It didn’t seem to matter to him, as long as Computer knew what she was doing. He reached over and grabbed a piece of toast from his plate. His comps bit into it as small loose crumbs start to fall on the book below him. He gave a quick glance at the title, unable to help himself. His heart sank as he looked upon it. He snarled under his breath.  He diverted his eyes to the ceiling. “So, is the next story ready for reviewing?”

“Yes, sir,” Computer’s voice came from the ceiling. “I am preparing it now. You may begin when ready.”

He placed his hoof on his forehead releasing a grunt of discomfort. “Well, might as well get started,” he stated as he looked to the camera in front of him. He then gave his usual sly smirk.

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Warning: This review contains crude language and disturbing sexual imagery. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

I am open to different languages being spoken by all types of people. Hell, I’m open to differently languages being written by all types of people. However, if you are unfamiliar with the grammar or writing styles of a particular language, then you should not be writing in it!

Now you may think that Google translator would be a great substitute for it. The truth is… it isn’t, as we will see in today’s story. Not only is this story written exceptionally bad, but the fact that this person doesn’t know the proper rules and grammar for English makes it even worse. Now, I understand that English is a difficult language to learn. We have a lot of rules.

All the more reason why you should not be writing in a language you aren’t familiar with. But let’s not dwell on it for too long. Let’s just dig into Gainbow Dash by jbond and see why you should follow my advice. On everything.

Again, there are spoilers for this story. If you haven’t read it yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you.

In Equestria was perfect weather.

Bored already. And by the way, thanks for describing that perfect weather. Where I come from perfect weather means less than 2 inches of snow.

Rainbow pony engaged workouts for about an hour, and then went downstairs.

Wait, are we not outside? How exactly is Rainbow Dash training? Is she lifting weights or something? Is she flying inside a big gym? Like I said, this story is terribly written and the fact that it had clearly gone through a translator just makes it worse.

So, I guess Scootaloo is watching Rainbow Dash train, thinking about how cool she is.

She could not believe how cool was Rainbow Dash.

And that is how cool Rainbow Dash apparently is in this story; she is so cool that she can’t even be described how cool she is. I would say “Show, don’t tell” here, but I have a feeling it will fall on deaf ears.

"Well, baby, grow up - and you just can."

… Wow, that was motivational! I feel like I can do fucking anything! I feel like I could climb Mount Everest. I feel like I actually one day might be an aspiring writer and all because of this one inspirational piece of literature! All those speeches about believing in yourself and dreaming and working towards one’s desires!

Fuck them! They are truly shit compared to this little sentence that draws so much thought and wisdom. How did he do it? How did he manage to create such a wondrous speech with only a few words?! How did he manage to say so much with so little? So many different ways this can be interpreted! Like… um… grow up… and you’ll be able to do whatever you want… and …. That’s it…

I’m interpreting this to be more than it actually is, aren’t I?

I hope!

There are no quotation marks here so I’m assuming that the author is saying this. He hopes what? Hello? Author? Are you there? You hope what?

Fuck it, I’ll make up some hopes!

I hope that Rainbow Dash and Applejack get together! (Writes a story about it)

I hope that people all over the world get to talk about my story (Posts it on the internet)

I hope that my story is a huge hit. (…)

I hope that a stupid pony doesn’t come along and reviews my story. (Enter the Critique)

So, Rainbow Dash has a meeting with the Wonderbolts and Scootaloo manages to convince Rainbow Dash to let her come with.

The next evening, Rainbow Dash meets with the Wonderbolts.

"So what? You claim to be steep enough to Wonderbolts?"

Oh, my god. Is this more gangsta slang?

Be pumping them jacks all moon light with yam bitches! Hood scratch all around, pumping my breath with jokes! Me and my B, we steep the back door with the princess of the night.

Luna be pimping, yo dog! Google translator, win for the, beeches!

Dash was struggling to impress Wonderbolts team. She performed loops, rolls and other stunts tents.

Uh… I don’t want to know what kind of stunts you do in a tent. Unless it’s a circus tent, but that’s never explained and I don’t see how you could fly a great distance in a circus tent. By the way, this is a clop fic. And I’ll let your imagination do the rest.

Struggling, it still fulfilled its entire programm. Soarin and Spitfire, looked at her and said,

"Not enough to cool."

Not enough to cool what exactly? Are you saying you want some ice or something?  Are you beginning to see the problem with using a Google translator?

"Come on, rainbow, piss!

What kind of bizarre, weird ass-shit try out is this?! First, you have her perform stunt tents, whatever the fuck those are and now you want her to pee in front of you guys?! What the hell is wrong with you ponies?! If this is what it takes to become a Wonderbolt, I’m glad I’m an earth pony!

"I'm sorry Dash. I'm a little delayed in school."

Hello, a little delayed in school, who happens to look a lot like Scootaloo. Nice to meet you.

A little delayed in school asks the Wonderbolts to let her try out and the Wonderbolts agree, saying to come back when it’s dark.

Well, I don’t really foresee anything going wrong with this. I mean, it’s just a young girl. A young defenseless girl… going to see some strangers… alone… possibly to make her do stunt tents… and make her piss in front of them… with nopony else around… Oh, my god!

Somebody call the police! We have a minor with possible pedophiles posing at Wonderbolts! Send help immediately!

So, a little delayed in school arrives and the Wonderbolts ask her if she is ready to become one of them.

Spitfire said,

"So, all you need - is to take in his little mouth his dick."

Bad touch! Bad touch! Police, get over to the Wonderbolt arena right now! The Wonderbolts are asking a little girl to let them put his dick inside … himself? … I think… Just hurry!

So, a little delayed in school runs off after learning what the Wonderbolts wanted her to do and flies over to Rainbow Dash’s house. Rainbow Dash learns about it and rather than going and confronting them, like any responsible adult, she decides to whine about it.

"Thank God - calmed down and sighed rainbow pony."

I’m assuming Rainbow Dash is talking. If she is, she is speaking in third person. The Critique decides that he will do the same.

A little delayed in school asks why Rainbow Dash doesn’t just do what they asked her to do and Rainbow Dash says this…

"I only like the grasshopper."

Scootaloo very surprised. No! She was shocked, it turned out that her favorite pony - a lesbian.

How the hell does grasshopper translate into vagina?! Google translator, you can suck my Big Bad Beetleborg!

The next day Rainbow Dash goes to visit Twilight to discuss her problem.

"I do not want to take a Wonderbolts!"

I don’t know. Spitfire is still available. So is Fleetfoot. Maybe it turns out that one of them is lesbian.

Rainbow Dash explains to Twilight about what the Wonderbolts would force them to do and when Twilight says how perverted and disgusting that is (rightfully so), Rainbow Dash says this.

"Yeah, that's not it. I just prefer sex with a mare."

Okay, I’m not going to get into a discussion about my opinions on same sex marriages. I will, however, say that THE WONDERBOLTS WERE TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH A MINOR! Why the fuck is nopony taking that seriously?!

Twilight explains that Rainbow Dash needs to change her entire lifestyle and find a stallion for Rainbow Dash.

Twilight with Dash ran the train to Canterlot. Dash wanted to know where they were going, but Twilight was silent.

She just said that they were going to Canterlot, you idiot! What do you mean you don’t know where you are going?! Also, are they driving the train? I guess when you’re a princess that automatically makes you capable of doing anything.

They arrive at Canterlot, in the hopes of finding a stallion for Rainbow Dash.

They went into one of the houses. When they went into it, Dash saw her friend's horse.

Wait, Twilight owns a horse? Huh… I guess slavery isn’t abolished in Equestria. I’m going to have to look into that.

Twilight comes to the house of Shining Armor, even though by this point in the series it is established that Shining Armor lives in the Crystal Empire, but whatever. And Twilight asks…

"I want to help his girlfriend fall in love with horses."

Wait, isn’t Cadence his wife? And for that matter why would Twilight be asking Shining Armor to help Cadence fall in love with a horse when she is already married to one?!

Sir, I believe that the author is trying to indicate that Twilight Sparkle is asking Shining Armor to help Rainbow Dash obtain a boyfriend.

Are you a reviewer of stories?

I am not.

Then, let the professionals handle this, baby. Now, where was I?

Shining Armor response

"I do with it?"

I don’t know what he’s supposed to be doing with what, but I’m pretty sure I’d be asking the same question.

Dash obeyed and did what I told her friend. She held in her hooves, trying to pull, but it was useless and the plant is the only Shining.

Okay, what? So, Shining Armor is a plant now? Ugh, this is making my brain hurt. Also, I didn’t know penis’s had hooves. Apparently, in this story they do. I wonder how long it will be before they start talking to the characters. Considering this story, would anyone be surprised if they went that route?

Also, Rainbow Dash seems to be trying to rip it off Shining’s body. And Shining Armor doesn’t have any kind of reaction? Not even an ow? What is Cadence doing to him that he would have no feeling down there?

So, Cadence walks in and Twilight freaks out that Shining didn’t tell her about his wife.

You were his best mare, you idiot! How could you not remember your own brother’s wedding to the mare that took care of you when you were little and was literally your only best friend for many years?! Why the hell does everybody hate Cadence?!

So, after they failed to make Rainbow Dash fall in love with Shining Armor, one of the stupidest ideas I’ve ever heard, they decide to go to Pinkie Pie for advice. Wait, why the hell would they go to Pinkie Pie? Whatever.

So they go to Pinkie Pie for help and… Pinkie Pie sticks a lollipop up her… vagina?

Good fucking god!

So… after … that… They decided to go and seek Applejack for help. Applejack… puts honey on her brother’s… oh, dear lord. How much longer is this story?!

Rainbow Dash does it, but says she prefers to be with Applejack.

She tried to make her mouth nice Macintosh, but, apparently, it is not a factory.

What the fuck does that even mean?! Are we still in Gainbow Dash or have we switch to Rainbow Factory?! At this point, I can’t tell which!

Applejack looked at her and said,

"Hold your pony, Sally. You have to love the horse."

"I can not! I used to love the fillies."

Oh, my god! Rainbow Dash has been molesting Scootaloo! Officers arrest that pervert for sexually assaulting a minor!

They go to Rarity’s for the same damn thing and Rainbow Dash sucks on her horn… Ewww…

It has already been satisfied, and there is no Dash.

Apparently, Dash is no more. Now there is only… Um… Gainbow Dash? I don’t know, it makes about as much sense as everything else.

"Twilight! Suck horn

Oh, that’s my new insult now!

SUCK HORN, EVIL DOER!

So, the two go home where Twilight comes up with another idea…

In the house it came to Fluttershy.

It came to her, watching her as she shivered in her bed. She attempted to scream, but found throat was paralyzed as somepony was choking her. She could see the darkened shape in the shadows, but could barely make out any part of its body. Only two yellow eyes that pierced the darkness as they glared at her.

… What? I got bored.

"She's tough, she does not like horses."

"Maybe it will help the little animals?"

Fluttershy, are you saying that Rainbow Dash should have intercourse with animals?! Holy hell, you are one sick bastard!

Oh… Fluttershy… I didn’t mean it… It’s this story… It’s making us all look bad… Don’t cry… I didn’t mean it…

God damnit… This is why I don’t have any friends.

So Fluttershy exits the scene after Rainbow Dash and Twilight send her away. I guess, Fluttershy knew this piece of shit was going nowhere and decided to bail while she still had the chance.

And then… Lord Jesus Christ, this piece of shitstorm is not over yet! Anyway, Twilight and Rainbow Dash start banging each other, although lord knows why we should be surprised at this point sense every scene in this damn thing has been the same damn thing!

And then a mysterious stranger appears out of nowhere… Okay… You want to explain who this person is? How he or she got there? Why they are there? What they want? Where they came from?

Aw, fuck it. Let’s just get this over with.

But unknown filly was busy and enjoyable to answer but could not.

Okay… I’m going to try and be as tact and professional as I can… Um… You have a small, tiny, minuscule, little, itty-bitty, microscopic, YOU ARE FUCKING HAVING SEX WITH A MINOR, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

I don’t know the laws in Russia about having sex with minors, but that’s not exactly a comforting image! And it’s all throughout the entirety of the freaking story!

So apparently this new character named Rainy. God dear lord… Rainbow Dash chooses her to be her lifelong mate. This pony who comes straight the fuck out of nowhere, with no rhyme or reason and Rainbow Dash has known for all of 1 minute! One fucking minute!

Youtube Video

Bull shit!

While Dash was talking to a new friend, the bar broke Spitfire.

Holy shit! I was not expect that! But I’ll take it! At least, somepony is being punished for what you did to a little delayed from school!

So Spitfire finds out that Rainbow Dash is a lesbian and says this…

"Tomorrow, I'll let you know about this Princess Celestia!"

Is she talking to Princess Celestia in the same room? They are at a fucking gay bar! If Princess Celestia is there, then she is obviously gay too! I don’t think she’s going to care if Rainbow Dash is gay or not! Oh, thank God, we’re almost to the end.

So it is revealed that a little delayed from school revealed the location of the gay bar to the Wonderbolts and Rainbow Dash takes it pretty damn well.

"I was watching behind your flight and clop, but you did not notice."

Wait, a little delayed from school was watching Rainbow Dash having sex with others?! Kid, get some help! Seriously?! THAT IS FUCKING MESSED UP!

When they opened my eyes, I noticed that they were not at home.

Wait, this whole story was in third person … and now it suddenly switches to first person? Consistency! You suck at it!

So apparently during the night Rainbow Dash was abducted by the Wonderbolts and taken to a cell where they force a little delayed from school to… Oh, dear lord. Is there no lows that this author will not sink to?!

And after that… they just let them go… Okay… Let the ponies go that could probably tell Princess Celestia about how you are forcing minors to have sex with older ponies. Yeah, I’m sure that will go over well.

But it’s okay, cause it turns out that Spitfire is also a lesbian and just needs to be pleasured by Rainbow Dash… Woopty fucking doo!

We then get this…

Dash felt that if someone loves you for who you are, then that's fine. She will always remember that there are those who always loves you, how or what you were not, or was not.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

That is your half-ass lesson at the end of the story! Are you fucking kidding me?! Was this supposed to be for little kids or something?! Are you out of your fucking mind?!

This isn’t for little kids! This isn’t even for humanity! This could never be considered literature!

Do I even need to explain what is wrong with this story? Not really. It’s pretty self-explanatory. The characters are just sex objects and act nothing like their counterparts. The plot is incredibly stupid and cliché even by fan fiction standards. The random character at the end of the story has no fucking purpose, other than to be the author’s sexual desires for Rainbow Dash. The sex takes up way too much of the story for me to give a shit about it.

Am I forgetting anything? Oh, yes. How could I forget? THE FUCKING GRAMMAR FOR THIS!

It is some of the worst I have ever seen. Period. I cannot believe how un-fucking-readable it is. God, I have seen 3 year olds with a better concept of sentence structure than this! If you take anything from this, take this, Google Translator does not equal the perfect or even a good, reliable translator. If you do, you will end up with this hunk of shit!

Have a great day guys. As for me? I need a shower.

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The monitor flashed in front of the three horned unicorn as he stared at the lone earth pony speaking of the shower he needed after his recent review. The three horned unicorn glared at the unsuspecting pony who continued to go about his day as if nothing was wrong.

“Master,” a voice came from behind him. The three horned unicorn turned to see a winged unicorn bowing to him. His brown eyes looked up to him. “Are you sure this is the one that threatens us?”

The three horned unicorn gazed back at the screen as the pony started to complain and whine about his shower being too hot or cold. The three horned unicorn shook his head and cringed at the mere sight of such an insignificant creature. A creature that should not be considered a threat. And yet… “Yes, my apprentice,” he snarled. “He is a very severe threat.”

The apprentice rose from his spot on the floor and made his way beside his master. “I do not understand, master.” He raised his eyebrow and gave his master a look of disbelief. “How can someone as stupid as this-“ he pointed to the screen “-be a threat to our plans?”

The three horned unicorn turned to him and gave a heavy sigh. “Because he can identify us. And that makes him very dangerous.”

A third voice appeared from the shadows. “Yeah, can’t have him ratting us out, now can we?” A blue Pegasus appeared out of the darkness of the room.

“Show your respect, Thunder Ice!” the apprentice snapped as his eyes met with the Pegasus. “You stand before the Grand Ruler himself!”

Thunder Ice chuckled. “Chill, Lightning.” He laughed, if only for a moment. “If you’ll pardon the pun. I’m respectful, I just do it in my own way.” He trotted up with a sly smile on his face.

Lightning’s only response was a baneful glare towards the slightly smaller stallion before him.

“So, this is the guy we want to kill, huh?” Thunder Ice asked, leaning against the wall just across from the monitor.

The Grand Ruler turned towards Thunder and nodded. “Yes and I am sending you, Lightning, to deal with him.” He said as he turned towards his young apprentice.

Thunder stood straight quickly as his jaw dropped. “Woah, big guy! You want to send this loser to take first dibs?!”

Lightning growled at those words. He took a step towards Thunder, glaring at him. “I’m strong enough to take you down!”

Thunder chortled. “Yeah, right. You don’t even have any powers!”

Lightning stood up proudly and posed his chest straight out. “I have the power of the Uniforce and the Rainbow Rod!”

Thunder shook his head. “Yeah, but what good do those do you when you aren’t facing a creature of darkness?” A jolt of electricity flew through the air and into Thunder’s body. His eyes started to glow bright white. “I have the power of real lightning, Lightning!” More bolts shot from Thunder’s hooves as he took a step forward glaring at his taller opponent.

“Enough!” the Grand Ruler’s booming voice roared over them, echoing throughout the tiny room. The bolts of lightning dissipated into Thunder’s body, leaving the room as dark as it was before, save for the monitor that illuminated enough of the room to make out the shapes within.

He turned towards them. “Lightning is more than trained enough to handle this simpleton.” He smiled towards Lightning. “After all, you are my star pupil.”

Lightning took to a knee and lowered his head, closing his eyes. “I’m your only pupil, master.”

He could hear Thunder mockingly mimicking him under his breath, but out of respect for his Grand Ruler, he chose to ignore it.

“Good,” the Grand Ruler stated. “Now, prepare for your task.”

Lightning got up from the floor and made his way to the exit without another word.

The Grand Ruler retook his spot in front of the monitor, carefully watching the reviewer as he continued to complain about his monotonous life. Do not worry, my young friend. Soon your monotonous life will be over.

Big Brother, Best Friend... Forever?

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

Siblings. Whether you love them or not, they are always there in your life. Again, whether you want them to be or not. I myself have two brothers… Which I keep my distance from… But that’s a story for another time.

The main six are not short of family members and siblings. Twilight Sparkle has her brother, Shining Armor and her sister-in-law, Cadence. Applejack has Big MacIntosh and Apple Bloom and so on and so forth.

The thing I probably love the most about the show is how it teaches younger siblings and older siblings to get along, but teaching them that sometimes siblings will disagree. I felt that was one of the strongest aspects of the stories themselves and I feel like the story today is not any different in this approach.

It’s a highly popular story and not usually one I do. But after the utter crap I had to sit through last week, it was nice to dig into something positive for a change. So let’s review Big Brother, Best Friend… Forever? by Karrakaz

As you can probably tell, there are spoilers for this story, if you haven’t read it yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you…

We start the story in first person, something rare among these types of stories, as a narrator describes to us how difficult his life is.

Some ponies say work is the hardest thing you’ll do in life. I would like to say that they’re completely wrong. Tuesdays on their own are grueling enough. They’re not quite like Monday where you’re still rested from the weekend;

I’m afraid Garfield has differing opinions on that.

The narrator mentions having to come home to a wife and two children after a grueling day of work. And if any of you are working parents out there, you know that this is the toughest position to ever be in. You come home from an 8 hour shift at work, only to be put back into work, trying to take care of your family and I admire anyone who does this.

Then why do you not have a wife or children of your own?

Shut up!

He comes home from work and notices his daughter, Twilight, is upset about something.

For a brief moment I thought of letting it go. If it was important, she would talk to me, wouldn’t she?

Not necessarily the best thought process when raising a child. If something is bothering them, you need to ask them questions. Perhaps they don’t feel comfortable discussing it and maybe they need a gentle hand (or hoof in this case) to say, “You can talk to me about anything.” That way, it’s up to the child to make that decision, but at least you made an effort to allow them to talk about it.

Fortunately the mother seems to be on the level as he recalls a conversation with her.

“Night,” she’d said, “Twilight isn’t an extrovert like Shining. She’ll keep everything inside if you don’t talk to her.”

He goes to Twilight’s side and asks her is if anything was wrong.

“Miss Goodall doesn’t want me to raise my hoof when she asks a question of the class anymore.”

That bitch! They are trying to put her down! Well, I’ll show them not to mess with filly Twilight!

The father senses that wasn’t what was really bothering her and so he digs deeper and finally Twilight opens up.

And what Twilight asks is a bit of a surprise to him.

“Daddy?” She asked timidly. “Does Shiny hate me?”

… Damn, I was not expecting that. And frankly, neither was the father.

After comforting little Twilight, the father asks why she could think such a thing. Twilight responses…

“T-this afternoon, a-at school. I wanted to give him a hug when he came to get me, b-but he... he...” She didn’t finish her sentence, instead choosing to stifle a cry against my chest.

“What did he do, Twilight?”

“H-he pushed me away and said that I was embarrassing him,” she said, crying even harder.

That insensitive asshole! I know he’s in his rebellious teenage angst driven years, but seriously?! That is a rotten thing to do to your little sister! Your teenage rebellious years do not excuse you from loving your family, even if it’s “Not good for your image.” My god, Shining Armor, at least for now, you’re an idiot!

And yes, I probably shouldn’t be so hard on him. After all, maybe he doesn’t realize how much it hurt Twilight. Maybe he doesn’t realize that he is acting this way and that his actions are hurting those he cares for. But, after the relationship they have together, it still pisses me off that he would do that!

Okay, moving on.

The father tries to comfort her, by explaining that Shining will think that she is embarrassing her. Yeah, way to make her even more upset. He then explains that ponies around his age don’t like to show affection to their families and that in order to fit in, Shining would have to do the same.

Twilight tells her father that she doesn’t care about what the other ponies would think of her and that she will hug anypony she wants to.

Awww, she is so cute. I just want to hug her and…  I mean… um… Monster Trucks and… guns… and other manly…stuff…

Her father says that he couldn’t be more proud of her.

Shining then walks into the room and starts to apologize to Twilight, but Twilight says it’s okay. They reconnect and the story ends with the father feeling better about his day seeing his two children love each other.

This story…

Is adorable. It captures everything I love about the show and captures how to treat your siblings by giving us things that siblings go through. And while I did rant about Shining was pretty much an asshole, I understand that he’s just a young teenager and doesn’t know any better. Hell, about 85% of us were probably like that with our siblings at one point, especially if you have much younger siblings. So, while I did disagree with Shining Armor at the time, it still didn’t seem too out of character for me.

The father was a realistic father. He wasn’t some great “I know all” stallion. He was real and felt that he actually screwed up most of the time. That made him relatable as he wasn’t always able to Twilight the answers she wanted. He always felt like there could be something more he could do to help Twilight through this and I bet every single parent that ever cared about their child had thought this. But regardless, he not incompetent nor stupid. You does makes some good decisions and you can tell he’s trying his best. He still loves his children and would do anything for them.

And filly Twilight. She is absolutely adorable. Every line of dialogue, every movement she made just made want to pick her up and hug her. That is the power of a great story teller, when you feel the character leap off the page and come to life. That is what this author did with only a thousand words. The author created a believable child character, who is full of life, but has questions about the world and has a wide eyed curiosity.

There is a reason why this story is so highly praised. And that is because it’s pretty damn good. The story is written very well, the first person view is a nice change of pace, the characters are relatable to downright loveable and overall, it just gives you that sense of satisfaction that I get from the sibling episodes. If you haven’t checked it out yet, go and click on the link above and read it. You won’t regret it.

As for the rest of you, here’s some more adorable Twilight. Have a great day guys.

Mare of Steel Part 1

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Let’s talk about one of the most popular superheroes all time, Superman.

Now, if any of you know me, Superman isn’t exactly one of my favorite superheroes of all time. In fact, he’s not even in my top 10 favorite superheroes list. But despite that, even I can’t deny that there is something to be admired and looked up to within the Man of Steel.

He’s kind, strong, always does the right thing and is an inspiration for many aspiring superheroes and people in general. With a strong moral center, he has been the pinnacle of what people should aspire to be.

And even some of the stories that are told with this character are pretty damn good. Such as All-Star Superman, Superman: What’s so funny about truth, justice and the American way?, and Superman: Red Son, just to name a few being among my favorites. And if you are a fan of the high flying alien from Krypton and want to read a few comics about him, those are the ones I would recommend picking up.

I also grew up on the Superman: Animated Series and Justice League series.

I didn’t include the Death of Superman on this list, simply because even though it was a big deal when it first occurred, it wasn’t so much of a story as it was just an event, if you know what I mean. Basically, everything that happens afterward is more of the story than anything.

So, what is this all leading up to? Why my next review, of course. Mare of Steel by Iowaforever

Now, don’t get the wrong idea. Despite its name, this has very little to do with the recent film. This is a standalone story that was written before the theatrical release, so if you are expecting a parody of this movie, you won’t get it.

Instead, you get something better. I’m sorry for those of you who loved that movie, but I hated that movie. I hated the acting, the plot, the contrivances, the neck breaking scene with no consequences. There were some good to come from it, like the action scenes, but they can only carry it so far.

If you liked this movie, I have nothing against you. It is yours to enjoy, just please keep it away from me. Let’s put our differences aside and agree to disagree, what do you say?

Yeah, I figured that would be your reactions… So, let’s just start the review.

If you haven’t notice, there are spoilers for this story. If you haven’t read it yet, I would highly recommending turning back. As for the rest of you…

So our story starts at night in Ponyville, where Rainbow Dash and Twilight are waiting for the meteor shower to start and as always, Rainbow Dash grows impatient with waiting.

One of the things I’ve noticed from the story is how much dialogue is in it. Now, don’t get me wrong dialogue isn’t a bad thing, but I feel like I’m watching two heads talking back and forth, with very little movement. I know they are supposed to be watching the stars, but I would have really liked to have seen a little more movement.

So the shower starts and after a few minutes, Rainbow Dash decides to turn in for the night, stating that she has a large storm coming in within the week.

When she arrives home, she finds a mysterious glowing rock. She instantly thinks it’s a meteor and with excitement, Rainbow Dash insists on keeping it. However, as she grasps it, the stone starts to make her feel weak and sick, causing her to lose consciousness.

We cut to Fluttershy going to Rainbow Dash’s house to check up on her after she missed their “Pet Play Date”. Fluttershy then finds Rainbow Dash passed out on the floor, her body drained of most of her color.

Oh, my god! She’s turning into Jerkbow Dash again! Everypony run for your lives! Discord is at it again!

No, it turns how that Rainbow Dash is really sick and Fluttershy manages to carry her to a hospital and for those of you that questioning how she was able to carry her, it should be pointed out that Fluttershy has super strength when her friends are in danger.

So the doctor manages to tell the other members of the six, who are arriving at the hospital to check on their friend, that Rainbow Dash is recovering from what he states is radiation poisoning.

Twilight and the others wonder how Rainbow Dash could have been affected by radiation. Some more theories go around to what could have possibly occurred to make Rainbow Dash so sick, ranging from drinking to overeating.

Yes, apparently a show with ponies that are subjected to mostly 5 to 11 year old girls have the main cast drinking every now and then. Of course, if they have access to FIMFiction and read half the stories I’ve read, it’s no surprise they turned to alcohol.

Fluttershy then mentions the strange rock that they found at her house and the doctor says that he will send somepony to bring it by so he can look into it.

The doctor then reveals that Rainbow Dash had never been sick a day in her life and had never had any injuries or reasons to go to a hospital. While it does mention the episode where Rainbow Dash actually was in a hospital, I still have to scratch my head and ask; if she is supposed to be invulnerable, how did she get that injury in the first place?

So the six are allowed to visit Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash explains what happened before she passed out, stating that a meteorite appeared in her home and shortly after that she started to feel weak.

The six leave Rainbow Dash to allow her time to rest.

Meanwhile, the meteorite is picked up by a hazard team sent by the hospital for study.

We are going to see what kind of scientific masterpieces we can build from this rock! We can build teleportation devices! We can build giant fighting robots! We can build an entire home fully equipped with a security system and has a hologram projector room that can make illusions of anything we want!

… What do you mean that’s stupid?

A couple days later, Rainbow Dash is released from the hospital and is told to take it easy for the next few days. After being visited by nearly everypony in Ponyville to make sure she is alright, Rainbow Dash heads out to Sweet Apple Arches to help Applejack with the apple harvest.

Applejack has her start on the southern fields while she goes to get more buckets to gather the apples. Rainbow Dash starts apple bucking when suddenly she smashes the tree into splinters.

Rainbow Dash starts to freak out, though I don’t know why this would surprise her since she can do this with her body.

Applejack comes back wondering what they hay happened to her tree.

“Rainbow Dash, What the hay happened to my tree?!”

I just said that!

Rainbow Dash tries to convince Applejack that the tree seemingly exploded for no reason, but Applejack doesn’t believe her. I do question why Applejack wouldn’t believe her since I don’t think that she would believe Rainbow Dash would wreak her property without cause. But if Twilight Sparkle was able to believe that, then I guess I shouldn’t question it.

So, Rainbow Dash goes back to apple bucking, constantly monitoring herself in order to not repeat the accident.

Later, she goes to Twilight’s house in order to find out what happened. She starts to freak out that Twilight is studying the rock, due to the dangers that it could pose to her. However, Twilight assures her that she has conjured mystical barriers to protect everypony around it.

So apparently, the hospital doesn’t have the right equipment to study the glowing rock, so they gave it to Twilight to study.

We find out that Twilight has been studying the effects of certain minerals on ponies and says that they may increase the strength and speed of a pony. She explains that this may be the reason why Rainbow Dash suddenly has super strength. However, Twilight says that if the magical energies are too potent, the pony may die.

Rainbow Dash starts to freak out (rightfully so), but Twilight assures her that she will be alright and that her inner magical energies will return to normal within a few days.

After a nap, Rainbow Dash decides to go and try to clear her head by talking to Fluttershy and Rarity. However, as she flies off (her speed increasing thanks to her magical energy being enhanced) she runs into Scootaloo. Rainbow Dash decides spending time with Scootaloo would be better since she could die at any moment and decides to hang out with her for the day.

As they approach Sugarcube Corner, they find Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Rainbow Dash sees a notebook in Diamond Tiara’s saddle bag and figures it belongs to Cheerilee. … And how exactly does Rainbow Dash know its Cheerilee’s notebook? There’s no mention of any indication that it was her notebook. Does it have her name on it or something? A picture of herself on it? Does Rainbow Dash have the power to read minds?

So, Rainbow Dash grabs Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara and drags them off to see Cheerilee. Does this count as child abuse? There are so many laws about that it are hard to distinguish. I know in the show they are not very well liked characters, but they are still minors. I don’t think dragging a couple of kids around, with them screaming at the top of their lungs would look good for Rainbow Dash’s image.

Rainbow Dash takes the girls to Cheerilee’s house and we find out that the notebook had Cheerilee’s cutie mark on it and that’s why it was hers.  Or she really likes Cheerilee. That’s no reason to jump to conclusions. However, it turns out it really is Cheerilee’s.

Rainbow Dash realizes that she was able to look through the bag even when the bag was covered. She starts to freak out at this new found power and leaves Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon with Cheerilee.

Rainbow Dash goes to Princess Celestia carrying the strange glowing rock. She asks the guard to see her, but the guard tells her that Celestia is busy at the moment and will have to wait until she is done.

I wonder if Celestia has days were she just wants to do this?

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Rainbow Dash sits and waits. However, Prince Blueblood appears and demands to speak to the Princess. However, the guard refuses to let him through. He’s a prince and the princess’s nephew. Wouldn’t he have special perks that way? I guess Celestia knows how poorly he treated Rarity at the Grand Galloping Gala.

Prick…

So, right before Rainbow Dash can go Sonic Rainboom on Blueblood’s well deserving ass, the guard tells her that she may see Celestia.

Rainbow Dash explains what has happened and Celestia starts to magically probe her.

Rainbow Dash: Princess, what does your horn say about my magic level?

Celestia: IT'S OVER 9000!

She discovers that Rainbow Dash has a large amount of magical energies repressed within her and that could be potentially why she has sudden burst of strength and speed. Celestia then explains that Rainbow Dash wasn’t born an Equestrian!

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That just seems weird when Rainbow Dash does it.

It turns out that Rainbow Dash was actually a Kryptonian. I would question this except that several animals escaped Krypton as well, such as a dog named Krypto.

So I guess, there was a Noah’s Ark kind of thing on Krypton. I guess that makes Superman Noah. Thought I would question how all the animals would fit in that tiny spaceship, but maybe they used the Phantom Zone.

Anyway, back to the story, Rainbow Dash starts to freak out over this and doesn’t believe Celestia. Celestia tries to calm her down, but Rainbow Dash isn’t hearing any of it and rushes out.

I wonder how Blueblood would have taken his meeting with Celestia after seeing Rainbow Dash burst out in tears?

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

We then get an author’s note about the emotions that Rainbow Dash is going through.

Personally, I don't think I'm very good at emotions like these, but hey, I'm willing to improve. Also, I imagine that if someone came to me and said that not only was I adopted, but not even the same species, I'd probably have a similar reaction... maybe, I'll think on that.

Now, I don’t know if anyone has covered this, so I am going to. The descriptions are kind of mixed. When the story start describing things, it does pretty well I feel. However, when it start getting into dialogue that’s when the descriptions kind of die down. Personally, I felt that there could have been more trauma going on through Rainbow Dash’s mind. Her questioning Celestia’s word and why she would lie to her. Her constantly questioning what is real and what isn’t. What is a lie and what is fact. I would have loved to have seen more of that in the story and I would have loved to have seen it go deeper into her mind.

Like I said, the story does well when the characters aren’t talking, but as soon as they start up, it tends to forget that things can go through their minds and the characters do move while they are having a conversation. They move their bodies or express themselves with facial or slight gestures. This not only adds depth to the characters, but makes them feel real and more than a talking dismembered head.

Anyway back to the story, Rainbow Dash arrives at the Wonderbolts’ training arena and demands to see Firefly. When Rainbow Dash confronts Firefly, who turns out to be Rainbow Dash’s mom, she takes it pretty freaking well that she was an adopted alien from another planet. In fact, she goes on a conversation about what happening in Ponyville before it is even brought up.

I seem to recall her in the last scene doing a lot of this…

She must get over life changing traumatic moments that change your entire perspective on reality causing you to question what is real or not, really easily. I sure wish I could.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash finally reveals that she knows about her being Kryptonian and asks why her mother didn’t tell her. Firefly explains that she didn’t tell her for fear of the guards would take her away. Rainbow Dash starts to wonder what is to become of her, but Firefly explains that she is going to be alright. Firefly then explains how they found Rainbow Dash.

We get some insight into some intriguing characters in Rainbow Dash’s father named Thunderhead and Firefly as they are dealing with a broken down cart. They then hear a loud boom in the distance and decide to investigate. So they find a little filly and decide to adopt it.

They take the filly back to the carriage where they discover that the filly has super strength and can lift the carriage with ease.

We then cut back to the present where Firefly explains that Rainbow Dash’s sudden burst of strength started to diminish over the years. How is that exactly?

Rainbow Dash says she wants to feel like a normal pony and Firefly says that she was never a normal pony and that she knew that even when she was young.

We then cut to another flashback, wait… didn’t we just get done with one? Anyway, we get the flashback of Thunderhead talking about Rainbow Dash’s choices in life.

“That’s true, but you’re not just anypony,” Thunderhead turned Rainbow Dash towards him “One day, you’re going to have to make a choice. You’re going to have to decide what kind of mare you want to grow up to be. Whoever that mare is, good character or bad, she’s going to change the world.”

Oh, come on. You were all thinking it.

Rainbow Dash asks what her father meant and Firefly admits she doesn’t know… Wait what? You lived with him for twenty years and you still don’t know what his thought process is?! You were his freaking wife! You mean to tell me that you never discussed what he meant with you?! That’s bad communication if I ever saw it!

Firefly then gives Rainbow Dash a strange green stone and says that she found it at the wreckage where they found her. She reveals they’ve never figured out what it is, but that maybe Rainbow Dash can.

We then cut to the main six who are at their Pet Play Date, but are worried about Rainbow Dash when she doesn’t show up. A letter arrives via air turtle

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Whatever.

And says that Rainbow Dash is leaving Ponyville for a few days to clear her head.

Since Thunderhead is a Pa Kent expy, we can kind of figure out what happened to him...

An unwritten law of fiction, if you are a good parent, you’re going to die.

We then cut to Rainbow Dash coming to Seaddle. (God, I hate that word.) Anyway, she comes across a pony named Honey Dew at a hotel, who Rainbow Dash seems to remember. They share a brief chat about Rainbow Dash’s parents and Honey Dew offers Rainbow to stay at one of the rooms.

As Rainbow Dash drifts to sleep, she enters a dream where she meets up with a stallion and a mare, who merely say that she is ready. And then she wakes up… Weird…

We then get a scene where Rainbow Dash meets up with Honeysuckle, Honey Dew’s daughter… and then Rainbow Dash falls asleep again. That was a tad rushed to me. It feels like there isn’t any particular focus on this part of the story, it’s just scenes thrown together. They’re written well, but they just don’t feel like they’re going anywhere.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash wakes up (for the umpteenth time this chapter alone) and finds herself alone with Honeysuckle standing over her.

Why does this look uncomfortably creepy to me?

Rainbow Dash enters the kitchen and starts to practice using her powers to see through solid objects, just as she had with Diamond Tiara. However, instead she accidently fires two beams of energy from her eyes and causes the pot she was staring at to explode.

When Honeysuckle enters to room, she asks what had happened and you would think that Rainbow Dash would come up with a good lie, but instead she tells her the truth.

And Honeysuckle replies thusly…

Huh… I guess Applejack was right. Honesty is the best policy.

So a few days pass by and Rainbow Dash is trying to settle in her new living space. She constantly helps around the hotel while still trying to get use to her powers. Honeysuckle starts taking a liking to Rainbow Dash (doesn’t everypony) and starts to follow her around everywhere.

Rainbow Dash and Honeysuckle get into a conversation about comicbooks, since that was the only form of entertainment Rainbow Dash had in the hotel and Honeysuckle explains why she loves comicbooks.

“Well... when I was really little, some mean ponies came and... they hurt my dad. I mean really hurt him. He couldn’t fly for days... Mom cried a lot, and I didn’t really know what was wrong, so I got sad and cried too... The guards tried to be helpful, but nothing really happened. But if there was a superhero, then nopony would have gotten hurt. Everypony would have been fine...”

I couldn’t have said it any better myself, kid.

I loved this dialogue, but I would have really loved to have seen the inside of Rainbow Dash’s mind here. There is just more dialogue without Rainbow Dash having any mental reaction to what the kid is saying. I would have loved to have seen what the workings of her mind would have been. After all, in the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well, Rainbow Dash really thought she was doing good. And to be honest, she was doing good. But maybe her seeing how she could do more to affect or change the world warrants a reaction.

I hate to beat a dead horse, but I feel the weakest part of the story is describing what the characters are going through while in dialogue.

Okay, back to the story, the next day Rainbow Dash takes Honeysuckle flying around Seaddle. However, as Rainbow Dash looks down to the ground she sees an old face that causes a little bit of anger in her.

Trixie!

Okay… I’m good now…

So, Trixie does her thing where she tries to show off to everypony, but Rainbow Dash intervenes and tells everypony the truth.

Trixie doesn’t take it well and attacks her! Damn, girl, calm down! What the hell happened to events of Magic Duel?

Sir, the Episode was aired on December 1 of 2012. This chapter was posted on October 12, 2012

Oh, so… this chapter was written before that episode aired. Okay, maybe this is why she turned to the Alicorn Amulet.

So, after trying to murder Rainbow Dash and everypony else around her, Trixie finally calms down and runs away.

Oh, wait… That hasn’t happened yet…

Moving on…

After that, Rainbow Dash reveals the crystal she has to Honeysuckle. Honeysuckle asks what it is supposed to do, but Rainbow Dash still doesn’t have any clues. She strikes the crystal in frustration and then the crystal reveals a frozen wasteland for her to travel to.

We then cut to Trixie who is drowning in angst over her defeat at the hooves of Rainbow Dash. A mysterious voice comes to her and tells her how she can get revenge on her.  And we get a line that I think is supposed to reveal the villain.

“Kneel.”

Where have I heard that before?

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Why does that sound so familiar?

Rainbow Dash travels far north and stumbles upon a fortress made entirely of ice. As she enters the fortress, that even Elsa would be jealous of, she finds a hologram of a unicorn that claims to be her father from Krypton named Jor-El.

We then learn that Rainbow Dash’s name on Krypton was once Kara Jor-El and that her parent’s died more than a thousand years ago.

For those of you who don’t know, this is a combination of Supergirl’s Kryptonian identity with the Jor-El name, the family that Superman’s Kryptonian identity belonged to.

Jor-El then explains to Rainbow Dash what happened when they were destroyed. He says that his planet was dying and that he was the only one who seemed to foresee it. He tried to convince the people of Krypton to evacuate the planet, but nopony else seemed to believe him. He sent his only daughter to Equestria, knowing that she would be safe and a few minutes after that the planet exploded.

So, Rainbow Dash asks her father to teach her how to control her powers and as the lessons go on, Rainbow Dash asks why Jor-El sent her to Equestria and not somewhere else.

Jor-El explains that he was able to contact planets in a future time… Wait what? If he was able to contact planets from the future, why didn’t he just contact a planet in the future that likely had the technology to save Krypton? Or hell, why doesn’t he just contact someone from the future and ask them to convince everyone on Krypton that their planet is going to blow up?! I think them saying, “Yeah, there is going to be a vacancy where your planet is in about an hour or so” would get their attention! I mean, you have a freaking time window, if not a time machine, and you don’t use it! I’m beginning to see why no one believed you, Jor-El.

Anyway instead of using the time machine to save his world, he contacts Twilight Sparkle’s mother and asks her if she will raise Rainbow Dash when she arrives in Equestria.

We then get the classic Superman speech from Jor-El.

“But there is another reason I sent you here. These ponies mean well, but they can become distracted. They have the capacity to become great, but what they lack is a light to show them the way.”

Why do I hear the voice of Marlon Brando at this point?

We then cut a year and a half later with Rainbow Dash taught in the ways of her powers (something I really would have liked to have seen, but whatever). She is then shown the suit she is going to wear to protect others.

“No mask... Won’t everypony know it’s me if there’s no mask?”

“If you do not wish a pony to see your true face, they will not.”

Well, it works with Sailor Moon so I guess I can’t really say anything. I mean, seriously look at this.

How can no one tell that’s the same fucking person?!

Well, at least in this story, there is an explanation. As she wears the suit, the image of her face changes and her voice deepens. And only powerful magic could break the illusion or if she desires to break the illusion herself.

Anyway, enough of that, Rainbow Dash hears a disturbance as she scans Equestria and darts off to confront it.

We cut to Twilight, who is reviewing the notes she took for the brief time she was studying Rainbow Dash’s meteorite. Pinkie Pie then barges in and declares that her Pinkie Sense says that something bad will happen to Ponyville!

It will be invaded by humans whose lives are terrible and come to Ponyville to make a change in their lives and fall in love with one of the main characters!

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Twilight and Pinkie Pie gather to the Everfree Forest where they find a…

“Giant... robot... dragon...” was all Twilight could say.

I think Twilight’s as confused as I am…

So the robot dragon attacks the city and manages to find the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who are trying to outrun the thing. However, the dragon corners them and it looks like all hope is lost.

When suddenly… Computer, cue Superman theme song.

Which one, sir?

The one from the animated series. That was gets me pumped up.

What about the John Williams version?

I’m saving that one…

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When suddenly, Rainbow Dash swoops in to save the day and beats back the robotic dragon and sends it out of the city.

Scootaloo, impressed by this newcomer (remember the magic suit helps protect Rainbow Dash’s secret identity), that she decides to go after her.

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom try to stop her, but they are confronted by Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie warns them that it is dangerous to follow the mechanical dragon, but after mentioning Scootaloo, Pinkie Pie rushes off to gather the others.

“Don’t be silly; there’s always crowds when big mean robots get beat up and they never get hurt.”

Somepony’s been breaking the fourth wall again. That or she’s been reading too many comicbooks.

Rainbow Dash battles the thing and gives it a chance to surrender saying that she doesn’t want to hurt it.

It’s a freaking robot! It has no emotion! It has no feelings! It’s not alive! It doesn’t-

Ahem…

What?...

…

…

…

Oh! … Right… Moving on…

So, Rainbow Dash tears the machine apart and pulls out the Flim Flam brothers from the wreckage. I wonder how long it will be before they start singing about their Super Beastly Dragon Thingy 6000?

So the Flim Flam brothers leap up and try to take out Rainbow Dash. Yes, they try to take out the pony who ripped apart their giant dragon robot to pieces. I’ll give the Flim Flam brothers this much… they have some serious balls.

“If your plan was to try and overpower the mare who just tore your robot to pieces,” she said, reaching in and grabbing the two other ponies by their shirts “I’ll have to recommend you to a psychiatrist.”

What Rainbow Dash said.

Rainbow Dash takes the two to Twilight and says that the Flim Flam brothers are responsible for the attack on Ponyville. Twilight goes to contact the royal guards and Scootaloo watches Rainbow Dash fly off, still wondering who she really is.

We then cut to Sugarcube Corner where Applejack is shown to be closed minded about the whole thing.

“Nah, I’m glad they’re still alive... But I mean, some mare just shows up outta nowhere ‘n beats up some big robot that just happens to attack town for no reason? I bet she staged the whole thing!”

She saved your sisters, defeated a giant dragon and didn’t bother to hog any glory. She just flew off without even getting so much as a thank you. And she staged the whole thing?! I know you’re not the most intelligent pony out there Applejack, but come on! You can’t be this naïve! Poor Applejack interpretations. They aren’t just limited to bad stories.

Also, I seem to recall you being the reason why the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 was destroyed. You really don’t think they would hold a grudge against that?

“Another thing, why’s she gotta be so secretive about everythin’?”

Gee, I don’t know Applejack. Maybe she’s trying to protect her family and friends from people who want to hurt her, rather than reveal who she is and put everyone she cares about in danger. But that’s just the opinion of one local idiot.

By the way, did you hear about the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well? I don’t know who she is yet, but I have a feeling that she’s more than one pony. I’ve narrowed the search down to somepony in Ponyville. One day, I’m gonna find out who the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well really was. Got any ideas?

Anyway, Rainbow Dash finally reappears at Sugarcube Corner and greets her friends.  The gang is of course happy to see her and then they explained what happened with the robotic dragon and the Flim Flam brothers.

Pinkie Pie then talks to a reporter and comes up with a name for the mysterious superhero. Supermare. … I like it! Supermare. It’s catchy. Sticks with you. The kind of name that looks great splashed upon three columns.

Sorry… Getting nostalgic. Superman the Animated Series. Check it out.

The mayor then comes around to ask Twilight and Pinkie Pie to put together a thank you party for Supermare, something that Twilight isn’t overly excited about. They then continue to discuss what to do about Supermare.

“Can you imagine what our lives would be like if everypony thought we were superheroes?

…

…

…

We then cut to Scootaloo who can’t stop thinking about Supermare and what she was able to do. Scootaloo’s going to be the Lois Lane of this story, isn’t she? Well, as long as we don’t have any sex scenes with her. Heaven knows I got enough of that a couple weeks ago.

As she tries to sleep, she finds a note from Supermare and asks her to meet her on the roof and Scootaloo reacts about as well as you’d expect.

So, Scootaloo goes to the roof of her house and meets with Supermare. Supermare asks her to come with her and fly around the city.

Kidnapping, because that’ll win you points on the heroic meter. Maybe Applejack was right to mistrust you.

So, Supermare and Scootaloo start talking and Supermare reveals her origins and where she comes from. Scootaloo is Lois Lane. Called it.

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Shut up, Doomsday!  I didn’t ask for your opinion!

Scootaloo is afraid that something will happen to Rainbow Dash with Supermare around, not surprising considering the way she handled the Mare-Do-Well event, but Supermare assures her that they will get along just fine.

Maybe I could talk to Rainbow Dash tomorrow...

Uh oh… How is Rainbow Dash and Supermare going to be at the party at the same time? I smell sitcom.

So, it gets even better when Twilight reveals a spell called the Seal of Honesty. Anypony inside the seal will be unable to tell a lie. Oh, this should be good.

Not too far away, Trixie and our mysterious stallion (who we have no idea who he is *wink wink*), overhear what is going on and plan to use the Seal of Honesty to their advantage in an effort to discover who Supermare really is.

Well, this should be interesting. Let’s see how it all plays out.

The ceremony starts and we cut back to Rainbow Dash who is preparing for her big public appearance as Supermare.

Supermare arrives and Twilight’s plan goes into effect. Wow, they must really be suspicious about a mysterious superhero who shows up and just wants to help people. They must be taking lesson on ‘how to support your superhero’ from the Marvel Universe.

However, the spell doesn’t seem to affect Supermare, well that or Mayor Mare doesn’t ask the questions that Twilight wants to. Making this very anti-climactic.

“Well, That was a bit anti-climactic, don’t you think?” Rarity asked.

Rarity, trust me. I’ve got this one in the bag. If I need any help, I’ll ask.

Twilight then reveals that she suspected something like this might happen and that she has a backup plan.

Meanwhile, Trixie is hiding in the shadows waiting for the right moment to strike. Next scene!

We cut back to the party as night begins to fall. And that backup plan of Twilight’s? That goes about as well as the first plan. Which makes this really anti-climactic since there was very little struggling on Rainbow Dash’s attempt to hide her identity. If this did affect her in anyway, she had an easy time hiding it and that’s not dramatic. That’s rushed! I felt like this was a hugely missed opportunity! I would have loved to have seen how the seal affected Rainbow Dash and how she dealt with it!

Anyway, Scootaloo approaches Twilight and asks if she had seen Rainbow Dash. Twilight starts putting together the clues that lead to Supermare’s secret identity and teleports over to Rainbow Dash’s house to confront her about it.

The next day, Rainbow Dash is sleeping in when Twilight appears at her door. Damn, how far away does Rainbow Dash live from Twilight? Twilight accuses Rainbow Dash of being connected with Supermare and asks what the hay is going on.

She’s never around when you are, and you vanish whenever she shows up. You didn’t get confrontational when we mentioned her, and she said she held no ill will towards you when we talked to her during the ceremony.”

What? When was that?! We never saw that! Yeah, it was during when Scootaloo talked to Supermare, but we never saw any conversation of when Supermare discussed Rainbow Dash with the other members of the main six! Where was that conversation?!

So, Rainbow Dash ends up thinking of a lie and tells Twilight that Supermare is a friend of hers that happens to have superpowers. She then goes into a whole privacy speech. And then basically makes Twilight start crying…

That’s seems kind of insensitive on both accounts. Twilight being too wrapped up in fact finding, much like she did in the Pinkie Sense episode and Rainbow Dash basically snapping at Twilight. And I thought these two were supposed to be friends.

I know that Rainbow Dash is trying to avoid her finding her secret identity, but there are other ways to go around this than snapping at her. Rainbow Dash could have her do a one on one interview with Supermare and have her ask any questions that she might have. Have them meet in a neutral location to discuss what Supermare is here for. There are others way you could have done this without hurting Twilight’s feeling, Rainbow Dash.

Also, you told a little kid, who you had known for a few days about your powers, but your friends who you have known for at least three seasons are untrustworthy?

Anyway, the next few days pass by and every pony starts to prepare for the Summer Sun Celebration. Pinkie Pie confronts Rainbow Dash about a new prank she wants to pull. Rainbow Dash agrees and asks what Pinkie Pie has in mind.

Pinkie Pie mentions something with glue and that in order to distract everypony, Rainbow Dash should dress up as Supemare. Rainbow Dash, of course, thinks this is awkward. Pinkie Pie hooves her a suit and some dye to look like Supermare and Rainbow Dash agrees to it.

Rainbow Dash then spots Trixie and thinks that she is up to no good.

Trixie trots in and declares herself the new ruler of Ponyville. Supermare arrives on the scene and gives Trixie a chance to surrender. Trixie tells her to shove it and summons an Ursa Major to attack Supremare.

The fight ensues and Supermare discovers that’s she isn’t quite powerful enough to deal with the Ursa. She decides to try a different tactic and trys to enrage Trixie after discovering that the Ursa Major is being mind-controlled. Supermare then defeats Trixie by knocking her out and the Ursa Major goes about its business.

Supermare then starts to interrogate Trixie for information, but doesn’t manage to get anywhere. So, she pulls a Batman on her and drops her from several hundred feet. Trixie finally reveals that the villain responsible for the mechanical dragon and Trixie’s power rise was Zod.

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Supermare starts to search for Zod, but doesn’t find anything.

I don’t see how the royal guards does this sort of thing; he could be anywhere. She stopped and slapped herself.

Did she just think ‘She stopped and slapped herself’? Rainbow Dash, you don’t need to think what you are going to do.

Supermare starts to think that the archives of Equestria might have something on Zod, so she goes to investigate.

However, even after explaining her situation to the guards, they refuse to let her inside. However, Blueblood suddenly appears and tells the guards to let Supermare through. That seems kind of weird.

So, Supremare and Blueblood start to comb through the place when Blueblood starts attacking her and actually manages to pin her down! Damn, has Blueblood been eating his Wheaties or something?!

Actually, it turns out that Prince Blueblood this whole time was General Zod!

… Actually, this was kind of a cool twist… A bit unexpected and could have used more build up but… actually; it makes sense why he would choose Prince Blueblood to impersonate. He’s near the royal family so he always knows what the princesses are planning, he pretends to be a stuck-up bumbling idiot that no one likes because it throws off suspicion and he is royalty which means he has the funds, resources and power necessary for whatever plans he has.

That’s actually kind of neat. But I have a hard time seeing Zod act like this…

Unless it turns out that cake is his kryptonite.

Supermare and Zod duke it out with Zod beating the living snot out of her, stating that he is going to bring Equestria the future it deserves under his iron hoof, by killing Celestia and framing Luna for her death.

Zod defeats her and places a kryptonite necklace around her neck. And no, it’s the actual rock, it’s not cake. Although, the thought of Pinkie Pie assaulting Zod with cake would be funny, not going to lie.

So, wait, if Zod was carrying that kryptonite around with him, then how is he not on his knees writhing in pain? I think that’s a very legitimate question!

Zod orders the guards, who are also under mind control, to take Supermare to Ghastly Gorge.  I guess Zod has the power over mind control or something. Though I don’t remember that being a thing in the comics.

So, the guards take her to Ghastly Gorge and trap her under a rock so she can’t escape.

We then cut to Pinkie Pie bursting into Twilight’s house in the middle of the night. Pinkie Pie says that her Pinkie Sense has picked up something going wrong at Ghastly Gorge.

So, Pinkie Pie explains that her Pinkie Sense tells her that Rainbow Dash is trapped at Ghastly Gorge and they go off to investigate.

That’s oddly specific for Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Sense; it’s usually vaguer than that. But I guess, it’s like Spider-Man’s Spider Sense, it basically does whatever it wants.

“Well, I suppose if Rainbow Dash is in trouble then I could spare myself.” Rarity yawned

Not exactly the friendly concerned reaction I was expecting from Rarity, considering she is the best friend to Rainbow Dash. I wonder how she’d react to other life threating problems?

:twilightoops: Rarity, Applejack and her family are trapped under their barn after a huge earthquake and they can’t get out!

:duck: Hm… I’ve never really been fond of apples. I’m sure their fine…

:twilightoops: Rarity, Fluttershy just got shot and needs a kidney transplant!

:duck: I am not giving up my perfect kidney. What were to happen if my kidney were to fail?

:twilightangry2: Rarity, Pinkie Pie is dying of cancer!

:duck: Well, I suppose I could make an appearance at her funeral.

:twilightangry2: You’re a bitch, you know that?!

Though to be fair, none of the other girls are showing that much concern for Rainbow Dash either even though Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Sense has never been proven wrong and everypony in Ponyville already knows that. Man, that year or so away from them must have really drifted them apart.

Well, okay except for Fluttershy…

Yes, there is a reason why she is best pony. Get over it!

They go to Ghastly Gorge and start looking high and low for Rainbow Dash. They run into several of the guards from the castle, who it turns out are working for Zod. They attack the heroes, but our heroes manage to fight them off. Twilight discovers that the guards were brain washed, just like the Flim Flam brothers.

They finally find Rainbow Dash under the boulder, but Rainbow Dash tells them to worry about the necklace around her neck. When confronted why, Rainbow Dash finally reveals that she is Supermare. Rainbow Dash explains that she didn’t tell them who she was because she was afraid that her friends would turn on them.

And since this is a GOOD story, Rainbow Dash’s friends welcome her with open arms, even after explaining she was an alien. Now a bad story would have made her friends hate her for a small white lie, but thankfully the author actually knows what he is doing.

However, the characters seem a little too accepting, like this was a normal day for them. Like they were saying to themselves, “Yeah, I could totally see Rainbow Dash as a super powered alien from another planet. Yep, totally legit and not surprising or life changing at all. I wonder what I’ll have for breakfast this morning”

“Let’s not get distracted here, Twilight,” Rarity walked up to Rainbow Dash “How am I suppose to know that you aren’t just lying to us?”

Um… isn’t there an evil plot to kill Celestia that Rainbow Dash should probably be stopping? I mean, you know who Zod’s secret pony identity is. Isn’t saving Celestia a bit more important than proving who you are to your friends? I mean she’s only the ruler of Equestria and an innocent life in all this. Probably should be saving her.

No? Just going to hope that Zod hasn’t already killed her? Okay then.

”Suppose I should be thankin’ ya too.” Applejack said, coming forward to join Rarity “Ever since my folks died, Applebloom’s been the thing holdin’ my family together. If she weren’t around... well, there’s no tellin’ what I’d do.”

“Hey, you could get creative.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Yeah, what the hell is that supposed to mean?! A family member almost dies and you joke about it?! I don’t know which one of the six that is, but they are lucky I don’t! Otherwise, they would get a face full of shotgun!

So, finally, Rainbow Dash explains that Blueblood is evil and that he is going to try and kill Celestia. Rainbow Dash tells the others to ready themselves back at Ponyville and then come to Canterlot. And with that, Rainbow Dash flies off to confront Zod again.

“I just hope she knows what she’s doing.” Twilight said “Okay, I think I have enough magic for a teleport back to Ponyville, but we might be cutting it a bit close. So if I singe anyone... I’m really sorry and didn’t mean to do it.”

And if I take off somepony’s limb, know that I am really, really sorry.

We cut to Celestia who is just raising the sun when Luna comes in to greet her. Luna notices that Celestia is stressing out about something, but when asked about it, Celestia doesn’t really understand it herself.

Celestia starts to raise the sun for the celebration when she is attacked by one of the brainwashed servants of Zod. However, thanks to Supermare arriving, he manages to save Celestia and stop the assassin.

Supermare explains where the assassin came from and explains that she can apprehend him. She then soars off to confront Zod.

She finds Zod and attacks him, revealing his identity to Canterlot. They fight all throughout Canterlot and exchange banter back and forth. God, I love superhero stories.

That would not be enough. You don’t know what it’s like to really be a leader, to have

hundreds of ponies obeying your every command. While you would go about with your foalish dress-up game, every stallion, mare and foal would kneel before Zod!”

I still have no idea where that comes from… But I swear I’ve heard it before…

Rainbow Dash knocks him into the throne room and prepares to slice the two pillars Zod is stuck between causing them to fall on him.

Please don’t be mad at me for this, Princess,she thought.

You are stopping a terrorist from taking over her kingdom and murdering her! I don’t think a little property damage is going to bother her too much!

Rainbow Dash finally pins Zod down and demands his surrender. Zod, of course, refuses and starts to overload the magical energies in his body, that will cause him to explode killing everyone in Canterlot.

Wait, what?

Yeah, apparently unicorns are walking nuclear bombs in this world.

Anyway, we cut back the rest of the main cast, who are evacuating Canterlot. Celestia confronts her student and asks if Rainbow Dash is Supermare. When Twilight responses confirming it, Celestia asks them to not tell Luna about Supermare’s secret identity.

Supermare grabs Zod and hurls him into outer space to protect every pony. Zod explodes, supposedly killing himself, but everypony is safe thanks to Supermare.

Rainbow Dash falls onto the ground and doesn’t manage to move.

No, no. We’re not there yet, but I’m sure it’s coming…

We cut to a hospital where the main cast is waiting for word on Rainbow Dash. The doctor appears and says that Dash is in a coma and they are unsure if she will awaken from it.

Firefly then appears and tells the six about how Rainbow Dash arrived on Equestria. Firefly asks if she can have a moment alone with her daughter and the main characters leave to allow her mother some privacy.

Rainbow Dash enters a dreamlike state where she meets with her father and manages to awaken from her coma. Everyone rejoices that Rainbow Dash is alive and you know what that means…

However, as Rainbow Dash and her friends are celebrating, we cut to a mysterious stallion, who is carefully monitoring Equestria and analyzing every possible threat, including Supermare.

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And that’s the end of Mare of Steel. How does it hold up?

Pretty damn well. I know I made fun of a lot of points and there are some problems spread throughout. But when the story gets it right, it gets it right. The characters feel like their counterparts (at least for the majority of it. Still questioning a couple places), the descriptions, when they aren’t in dialogue, are still pretty damn good, and the plot is pretty solid (with a few spots that I do question).

Can it be improved? Yes. Does the make it bad? No. This is still a well-crafted story, despite its flaws. And ultimately, these flaws don’t take away from the overall experience enough to take you out of the story. The characters are strong and believable, the villain was kind of cool, the actions scenes were good, and it changed enough of the source material to still make it original, while still staying true to what they stand for. It has some heartfelt moments that I felt could have been expanded upon, but that doesn’t mean I don’t felt this story didn’t try.

This story and its author clearly did their best to give us something wonderful and that shows in every chapter. And while there were shaky spots in the story, such as the talking head syndrome, the magic overload (which to me still makes no sense) and a few scenes that really leave something to be desired, I felt that the overall experience was a good one, with very few places that needed to be touched up. And I believe that with more practice and more time, some good proofreaders and some great support, Iowafoever will be a great writer. Probably a writer who can in fact, go places with his work.

I would love to see more from him and I wish I had more time with his stories because-

Sir, you are aware there is a Part 2 to this story, are you not?

… There is?

Indeed.

Then what the fuck are we waiting for?! Let’s jump into Mare of Steel Part 2!

Click on the link to jump to Part 2.

Mare of Steel Part 2

I’m assuming that you’ve read the first part of Mare of Steel. If you haven’t, I’d advise you to do so. If you have, let’s not waste any more time. Let’s jump into Mare of Steel Part 2.

So Part 2 starts off with Celestia in a meeting with an unnamed pony and are discussing about a zombie apocalypse… Wait what?

Yeah, that seems kind of weird. Fortunately, Celestia doesn’t seem to take it too seriously, but the other pony seems to be convinced of zombies taking over the world. Personally, I would throw the crazy guy on his ass, but I guess that is why Celestia is in charge and not me.

The paranoid General Steel Wing… She has a paranoid military officer, who is more worried about zombies than anything else? He must have read World War Z.

Anyway, Steel Wing is convinced that Supermare is dangerous, but Celestia tries to sway him otherwise.

“You’re paranoid, Steel Wing, and I don’t want a paranoid general in command of my forces.

If there was ever a reason why Celestia should be in charge, this is why. Celestia is smart enough to realize that paranoia leads to making mistakes and not thinking rationally. This is dangerous to anyone who is in a role of power and everyone who follows and Celestia understands that. And that is why you are number 3 on my list.

All hail Celestia, motherbuckers!

Anyway, Steel Wing isn’t buying it, something I’m sure he’ll regret later, and storms off swearing that he will discover he truth about Supermare. God, he’s worse than Applejack was.

We cut to Rainbow Dash, who is relaxing and enjoying some downtime. She says that everything has been quiet in Ponyville and the only significant thing that has happened is she has tried out for the Wonderbolts.

Wait, she has super powers and she’s still not a Wonderbolt? Well, maybe there is some kind of ritual that she would be force to do and her powers couldn’t help her in any… Gainbow Dash… God, damnit! I’m already trying to suppress that memory! I don’t need to be reminded of it!

Rainbow Dash is getting worried that imitators are on the rise and discusses it with Twilight Sparkle. Also, on the rise are some nutjobs who just want attention and demand to be Rainbow Dash’s arch-nemesis.

“Yeah, they never talk about superheroes having bad days. It’s always ‘love interests’ and ‘arch nemeses’.”

Tell that to Spider-Man. And while you’re at it, ask him how his wife is doing.

Twilight tries to get some information out of Rainbow Dash, feeling that something is bothering her. But Rainbow Dash flies off to help some innocent ponies.

We cut to the scene of said disaster, where Thunderlane is attempting to keep his airship floating as it starts to plummet to the ground. However, thanks to Supermare, the crisis is averted. Supermare tells him that if it wasn’t for Thunderlane’s quick thinking that ponies might have died. Thunderlane humbly suggests that he was just doing what was right.

You’ve got all of Ponyville backing you up, Thunderlane! … And a shit ton of OC’s, but you get the point!

Supermare flies off and Thunderlane simply watches her take off.

We cut to Steel Wing who is pissed off about the zombie thing, though to be fair I would be too if Celestia basically called me crazy. However, he is even more upset that nopony is doing anything about Supermare, claiming that the guards are practically useless.

“And why not? They couldn’t defeat Nightmare Moon or Chrysalis, so they’ll be useless fighting Supermare.”

Hey, he just brought up a thought. If Celestia’s army is basically useless against everything, why the hell are they there? The only soldier that I have seen that is actually competent is Shining Armor. All the other soldiers do is seem to get there asses kicked or ignore everything around them.

Seriously! The main 6 can defeat an army of changelings, but a few highly trained soldiers, can’t even handle a few of them! Maybe the problem doesn’t lie in their incompetence! Maybe it lies in how poorly they are trained! You ever think of that, Steel Wing!

Anyway, a mysterious being named Vril Dox breaks into Steel Wing’s home and explains that he can devise a way to help him defeat Supermare.

Steel Wing is skeptical, rightfully so, considering this pony just broke into your home and possibly murdered your guards, but he asks what sort of plan Vril has in mind. Vril shows Steel the shrunken city of Kandor, a Kryptonian city that was lost before the planet was destroyed.

Vril then leaves Steel Wing with a list of powerful allies that he can used to defeat Supermare.

We then cut to Firefly and Rainbow Dash talking about what Rainbow Dash is going through. Firefly says that she isn’t impressed with Rainbow Dash’s inability to control her temper and that one day it is going to get the better of her.

Rainbow Dash denies her temper, rather harshly I might add, and Firefly dismisses it. Doesn’t Rainbow Dash basically snapping at her mother means she has a temper problem? And her mother lets go of that problem a little too easily for me. It would be like someone telling me I have a temper problem and the next sentence they say I don’t.

You do have a temper problem, sir.

I fucking do not! Now shut up!

Yes, sir.

… What?!

We then get the reason why Rainbow Dash is not on the team, despite her having super powers and her mother being the coach. Firefly doesn’t want the Wonderbolts interfering with her responsibilities as Supermare. If Rainbow Dash wants to continue being Supermare, Firefly will not allow her to be on the team, because it would be difficult to balance the two lives.

That’s… actually a pretty damn good reason. Suppose that Rainbow Dash is in the middle of a show when some disaster happens, then she would be forced to abandon it in order to perform her responsibilities as Supermare. Eventually, ponies would start to put two and two together and discover her secret identity, due to her constant disappearance.

Also, this creates a pretty damn good dilemma for Rainbow Dash. She finally has a chance to achieve her lifelong dream, but in order to achieve it she has to give up her responsibility to her fathers and the ponies she protects. That’s a really damn good dilemma for her character, as it forces her to choose between what she wants and what her responsibilities are. Superheroes don’t have problems my ass!

Rainbow Dash brings up Thunderlane and says that she is concerned about him. Firefly tells her to go check in on him if she is really concerned.

Rainbow Dash, guised as Supermare, goes to check up on Thunderlane. And during the conversation, Thunderlane asks Supermare out on a date. You keep changing your Lois Lane stand-ins. First it was Twilight. Then it was Scootaloo. Now it’s Thunderlane. Make up your mind!

The next day Rainbow Dash runs into Scootaloo. Scootaloo asks what she’s been up to and Rainbow Dash tells her that she just needs to get to Rarity’s to talk about something, but she doesn’t tell Scootaloo what.

Rainbow Dash quickly changes the subject and tells Scootaloo about a series of caves she and her friends could explore.

CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SPELUNKERS, YAY!

After Scootaloo accidently crashes into a fruit cart, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon come to cause Scootaloo grief. Rainbow Dash attempts to step in, however, somepony else beats her to the punch.

Silver Spoon pointed over towards the damaged cart, smiling sheepishly. The stallion was unimpressed.

“We will discuss this at a later time. Take your friend and return home.”

“Yes father.” Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened slightly and her jaw lost a bit of tension. Silver Spoon has a father?

Wow… you’re kind of a dick, aren’t you, Rainbow Dash? I mean… did you just assume she was an orphan? Did you just assume she didn’t have any parents? I know they never appear in the show, but… really?

Anyway, Rainbow Dash talks to the father of Silver Spoon, who turns out to be a pony named Alexander Silversmith.

but you may call me ‘Lex’.

Hm… this could actually be interesting. The daughter of the arch-enemy of Rainbow Dash is the arch-enemy of Scootaloo. The parallels this could draw from. This should be interesting

Anyway, Lex reveals that he was an inventor for a time, but then leaves stating he has important business to attend to, taking his daughter with him.

Rainbow Dash suspects he’s up to no good, but with no evidence of what, she just leaves it be.

Rainbow Dash goes to Applejack for information on Lex. I don’t know why, since Applejack most likely doesn’t know who high society ponies are. Rarity would have been a more logical choice. Not to mention that you were already on your way there anyway. Also, Pinkie Pie would have been a better choice since she knows everypony in Ponyville. And she does mean, everypony in Ponyville. She would know who Lex is.

Not trying to dog on Applejack here, I’m just saying that it doesn’t seem like she would be my first choice in this situation. Anyway, it turns out that Applejack has seen him before, during her brief stay in Manehatten.

“Yeah, well he was downright weird if’n ya ask me; he’d be all fancy one minute, then he’d slink off ta who knows where. ‘Least Twilight’d say goodbye if she ever wanted ta get back ta science.”

Okay. That was pretty damn funny. Computer, get back to the science.

What type of science, sir?

What are you talking about? The science. Get back to it.

There are multiple branches of science, sir. Each one studying different subjects. There is physical science, such as physics and chemistry. Earth science, which consists of Oceanography, Geology, Meteor-

I don’t care! Whatever one will get me a machine gun faster! Stupid machine, doesn’t know the first thing about science.

So, we discover that Lex doesn’t live in Ponyville and that he lives in Manehatten, but Silver Spoon continues to live in Ponyville. Turns out that Lex dropped his whole family in Ponyville and left them to fend for themselves.

You know that would make a pretty damn good story by itself. I’m writing that one down.

So Rainbow Dash asks why Lex would suddenly come to Ponyville.

“Beats me. Ah ain’t a gossip like Rarity, and Ah don’t think she’d want ta know a lot ‘bout Silversmith.”

I know I brought this up before, but it bears repeating. You were on your way to Rarity’s! Why are you not there talking about it to her and getting the other thing of your chest?!

So, Applejack reveals that going to Pinkie Pie would have been a bad idea. It turns out that Pinkie was terrified of Lex, for very vague reasons, and that her Pinkie Sense was telling her something bad was going to happen with this stallion. … That doesn’t seem like Pinkie Pie at all to me.

Fortunately, I’m not the only one, as Rainbow Dash finds it hard to believe as well. However, if it was true, Rainbow Dash feels that Lex is worth keeping an eye on and goes to Silver Spoon’s house to investigate.

She begins to spy on Silver Spoon’s family as they enjoy a quiet dinner. We then get some insight into Lex’s character.

“I’m sure it wasn’t. However, how you handled the situation is less than satisfactory; you drew attention to yourself and turned multiple ponies against you, and once everypony is against you you will suffer. You should have waited for a more opportune moment, when any comments made would have assisted your position.”

You know… I’m going to take a wild guess and say…

That’s basically what this translates into.

Rainbow Dash overhears a plan about attacking somepony and Rainbow Dash is convinced that Lex is not as good as he seems.

However, Rainbow Dash is forced to leave when he hears about the silent alarm that went off due to her presence and she decides to investigate further another time.

She flies over to Manehatten on the lookout for any problems that Lex might be connected to. She spots some guys on a rooftop, but doesn’t see any evidence they are working for Lex. However, despite this, she knows they are up to no good as they carry around explosives.

Supermare flies down and intimidates the thugs into surrendering themselves. And for those of you who think that they should have fought back. Here’s the image that was painted in my mind.

And I think I just wet myself…

The next day Lex isn’t happy about his plan failing, thanks to Supermare and vows revenge on her. Lex, Steel Wing and the mysterious Vril Nox. And they say superheroes don’t have problems.

We cut to Rainbow Dash, who is finally going to Rarity’s. Kind of a day late, don’t you think? Well, better late than never I suppose. Anyway,  Rainbow Dash explains that he’s going on a date with Thunderlane as Supermare and is not really sure she is okay with the idea. Rarity is worried that Rainbow Dash is going to tell him her secret.

“Rarity, it’s just a small get together; it’s not like I’m getting married or anything.”

Nah, it will take several decades of comics to get that far. Besides, Rainbow Dash would have to die first by a hulking monster that was really just created for the sake of killing her. … I’m not kidding. Look it up. Doomsday.

Rainbow Dash asks for advice on the matter, but Rarity just says to enjoy herself. And really, that’s the best advice anyone can give. If it works out, great. If not, there are plenty of other apples in the orchard. You don’t have to settle for one! That goes for all of you who are dreading over the one guy or girl that you lost.

Oh, great now I just turned this into a PSA. We’d better move on before I mention the dangers of alcohol abuse.

Anyway, we cut back to Lex, who is working on a weapon to take down Supermare. Damn, this guy works fast. What has it been? One day since he even heard about Supermare?

General Steel Wing meets with him and asks for his help on destroying Supermare. Lex, of course, agrees to it, but he wants to defeat Supermare on his terms.  He shows General Steel Wing a device that can shut down the neural network of a pony. General Steel Wing agrees to this and demands that Lex make more of these to capture Supermare.

As General Wing leaves, Vril Dox appears and makes a deal with Lex. Vril will upgrade the tech that Lex needs to capture Supermare with and in return, Lex will not only be rid of an enemy, but will share in Vril’s knowledge. I’m sure this won’t backfire on him later.

Rainbow Dash starts to talk to Tank the turtle-

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What Rainbow Dash said.

And starts to ask herself why she is on this date and if she should get some more advice on the subject. She thinks about going to Rarity for more advice but after venting to Tank, she gets her confidence. She meets up with Thunderlane and they decide to have a picnic

Thunderlane tries to talk to Supermare, but is intimidated by her. Thunderlane finally gets out his question, thanks to a little coercing from Supermare, and asks if Supermare was waiting around for bad things to happen.

Well, that’s kind of what superheroes do. Something bad has to happen before they can react to it.

So, Supermare and Thunderlane fly to one the hills near Sweet Apple Acres and start a conversation. That really doesn’t tell us a lot about Thunderlane, only that his parent’s divorced when he was young. While that does suck, that really isn’t a lot to go on. Yeah, they mention that they discussed dreams and hopes and stuff, but what kind of dreams? What kind of stuff?

Anyway, the date ends and Thunderlane flies home.

The next day, Thunderlane goes off to see his little brother when who should appear at his door. Why his father, General Steel Wing!

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Actually… I kind of saw that coming…

Thunderlane and Steel Wing get into an argument about Supermare. Thunderlane stating that she is a hero, but Steel Wing convinced that she is a threat.

Thunderlane tells Steel Wing to leave his house after bringing his mother into the conversation, with Thunderlane telling him that their mother took care of them when he was never there for them. I assume that the mother is dead, once again proving that if you are good parent in a fictional story, you are most likely to die.

Rainbow Dash starts having nightmares about the death of his father and the return of Zod. After a restless night, Rainbow Dash goes to visit the grave of her father. She talks to the headstone about her problems and while this would normally be emotional for me, it doesn’t really feel like it belongs here. I just feel like there isn’t anything here. I felt this would have been much better in the first part then in the second. It just feels out of place in this part of the story, like it was rushed in here because the story forgot that she didn’t have closure with her father.

She then gets distracted when she hears the screams of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

:rainbowhuh: You three are in a cave! How did you get covered in tree sap?

:scootangel::applecry::unsuresweetie: Very carefully!

So, we cut to the Crusaders, doing probably the dumbest thing in the world.

“C’mon guys.” Scootaloo turned around to face her friends. “Do you know how awesome it would be to have a manticore slaying cutie mark?”

Really? … A manticore slaying cutie mark? … Really? A manticore slaying cutie mark? You are taking these three children, young children, and you are making them fantasize about killing a manticore for a living?

Look, I know the Cutie Mark Crusaders are desperate for their cutie marks and are willing to try a lot of things to get them, but this is just stupid! I mean, really?! They think that going up against an adult manticore, who almost tore apart their sisters, is a good idea?! If it was manticore taming, yeah, I could see where the thought process came from! They saw Fluttershy do it and thought “How hard could it be?” Yeah, that makes much more sense, but this?! This is just so utterly stupid!

We cut to Supermare who is looking for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, though I can’t see why it would take her long since she has super-speed, super hearing and x-ray vision but whatever. When suddenly, she is attacked by General Steel Wing and his forces.

We then cut to Vril Dox who summons a hyrda from the swamp at Froggy Bottom Bog and sends it after the crusaders, telling it to at least leave one alive.

All you need is the manticore they are hunting, since it is likely they won’t even survive that. You don’t really need the hydra, buddy.

Rainbow Dash continues to battle the paranoid general and notices that a hydra is on the move below. Feeling that Crusaders are in trouble, or probably dead due to the manticore-

Yes, I know I’m lingering, but seriously?! A manticore slaying cutie mark?! Did they really think that is what they were destined to do?! What did manticores do to them?! Kill their parents?!

Okay, back to the story. Supermare gets hit by the general’s neural disabler. Supermare tries to convince the general that ponies are in danger, but the general isn’t buying any of it. Fortunately, Supermare uses her heat vision to cut through the neural disabler and flies off to help the crusaders.

After not being able to find… *insert manitcore slaying freakout here* … the cutie mark crusaders are attacked by the hydra. Fortunately, they are saved by Supermare.

Meanwhile, Vril Dox looks onward and states that Scootaloo will be just what he needs for his plans.

Oh, my god! He’s going to eat Scootaloo!

Supermare then goes back to General Steel Wing and allows herself to be taken by him.

Yeah, general, once Celestia hears about this, I think your ass is fired.

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So Rainbow Dash gets arrested by General Steel Wing and is taken to a high security facility. Steel Wing tries to interrogate Rainbow Dash, asking why she is here and what her plans are. Rainbow Dash explains that her only “plan” is to help ponies and save lives, but the general doesn’t buy it saying that she must have an ulterior motive. And this guy is allowed to be in charge of an army of Equestria? Yeah, I can see why Queen Chrysalis overpowered them so quickly.

When General Steel Wing starts becoming enraged by Rainbow Dash’s lack of cooperation, Rainbow Dash starts being a sarcastic asshole. Yes, because that will help you out. Not staying cool, calm and collective. Reassuring him that you aren’t here to cause problems, but are here to help. Actually making an effort, instead of blindly insulting his intelligence. And you don’t have a temper problem.

Anyway, after the interrogation, Lex comes to the door and demands to visit Rainbow Dash.

“Sir, General Steel Wing gave strict orders that nopony was to see the-” one of the guards outside replied.

“Look, just shut up and open the damn door.” Silversmith ordered.

“... Y-Yes sir.” the guard replied, and the door swung open

Yes, apparently, the guards for Supermare will just let anypony waltz into his prison if they are stern enough. Clearance? Pfft. Fuck that shit. All you need is a stern voice and a little confidence in yourself and you can do whatever you want. Bonus points if you swear.

Lex and Supermare get into a conversation about the betterment of Equestria and how Lex is going to bring about it. Supermare, of course, doesn’t trust him. Lex explains that the power in Equestria lies with industrialists and that he plans to make sure everypony relies on him for jobs, food, and other necessities.

Supermare accuses Lex of corporate espionage and sabotage, but Lex plays it cool.

Silversmith smiled, something that caused a small chill to run down Rainbow Dash’s back. It was not like Pinkie smiling; this was cold, predatory even.

What the hell would make me think this is a Pinkie smile? He’s a manipulative bastard that wants to take over Equestria using economics. I don’t think this-

-Is the face I would associate with evil business ponies. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

“Yes, but how can you prove that I am lying? You may have respect, but you are still one pony; unless you bring forward hard evidence of my involvement, then you don’t have a case.” Now it was Rainbow Dash’s turn to glare.

Um… you just confess to him in a room that probably contains some kind of security recording system? I think that will hold up in court. You know for a super genius, you are pretty stupid.

Now, one could make the argument that they haven’t invented cameras yet. But in the show, there are multiple instances where they use cameras, so it’s likely that video cameras could exist.

After all, they have a machine that can cause a neural network to shut down! Why couldn’t they have video cameras? Now, you might be saying, “But Vril Dox helped them invent them.” No, he didn’t. According to the story, they invented these devices themselves. Vril only improved them. He didn’t invent them!

So it makes this scene where he basically confesses kind of weird. And being Mr. Paranoid General, I very much doubt he would leave anything to chance and not have Supermare monitored 24-7!

Okay, rant over… Lex tells Supermare that he is going to lead ponies into a better tomorrow and that there is nopony that can stop him.

General Steel Wing confronts Lex about him speaking to Supermare. Lex offers him some advice on taking Supermare down, but the general, being as stubborn as a mule, refuses to listen to him.

No offense…

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Another day goes by with General Steel Wing interrogating her, and apparently there is no big problem in Equestria during that time. I’m just saying it’s weird that whenever a superhero is preoccupied, crime just kind of stops and waits for them to get better. Well, except in Spider-Man’s case. Just saying.

However, Princess Luna comes in and royal voices his well-deserved ass!

“ENOUGH, GENERAL. THOU HAST CONTAINED A CLOSE ALLY OF OUR SISTER, AND THOU HAST INSULTED OUR CAPABILITY OF RULING. FOR THIS TREASON, CONSIDER THYSELF STRIPPED OF YOUR POSITION AND UNDER IMMEDIATE CUSTODY.”

Luna: AND THOU HAS USED OUR ARMY TO CAPTURE THIS ALLY WITHOUT ANY AUTHROIZATION FROM US OR OUR SISTER!

Steel Wing: Why are you still talking with the royal voice if this takes place after Luna Eclipsed?

Luna: SILENCE!

Okay, Luna does actually talk normal after she frees Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash asks her opinion on her and we should finally see why Luna might have been upset about the whole thing.

“Do you think I’m dangerous?” there was a pause as Luna thought on Rainbow’s question.

“To some extent, yes. But I believe that you possess a good heart and mind, and you helped save my sister’s life during the Summer Sun Celebration.”

… Was that it? … Was that really it? … I’m… I’m really disappointed here… I was kind of ... expecting a lot more… I mean, this was a huge deal that Celestia made to not tell Luna about Supermare. And the only reason we are given here is that, Luna doesn’t trust Supermare 100%? That’s… weak. I’m sorry, that’s just really underwhelming.

I mean, if it was something earth shattering like, a kryptonian killed her best friend when she was little. She was forced to marry a kryptonian jack ass. Hell, even a kryptonian made her drop her ice cream cone when she was little would have been a more powerful reason! I just felt that for something that Celestia made a big deal out of, it would have been… more interesting.

the ponies of Krypton were among some of the most honest beings I had the privilege of knowing.

Though, apparently not the most intelligent.

My sister and I owe our lives to them...” Rainbow Dash was about to ask what exactly Luna meant by that, but the Princess waved her off. “That is a tale for another day. I believe you would like to leave this place.”

Well, that makes my rant even more justified, but I’ll get back to that in a minute.

We cut to Thunderlane who claims that he is having a good week, despite that his father just got thrown in jail. Man, and I thought I had daddy issues.

And apparently, Supermare, instead of going to confront Lex like he probably should, decides to go and visit Thunderlane and set up another date. Because an evil-mastermind planning to take over Equestria is not nearly as important.

We cut to General Steel Wing in his cell when Vril Dox appears. Dox reveals that he was the one who told Princess Luna about what Steel Wing was doing. Steel Wing threatens to reveal everything to Princess Luna, but Vril wipes his memory.

Rainbow Dash starts to scout the area for a spot to start her picnic with Thunderlane, instead of, you know, saving the world or some bull shit, when she runs into Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. They ask Rainbow Dash if they had seen Scootaloo around and that they are getting worried something has happened to her.

So Rainbow Dash starts to look for her when she suddenly runs into Derpy. However, Derpy doesn’t seem quite herself as she reveals that she was the one who kidnapped Scootaloo and that her real name is Vril Dox.

Vril Dox explains that Derpy is under hypnotic control so he can talk to Rainbow Dash.  Vril says that he is holding Scootaloo hostage and that if Rainbow Dash values her life, then she will get Supermare to meet Vril in Seaddle.

Supermare realizes it’s a trap, but goes to confront Vril anyway for fear of Scootaloo’s life being in danger.

So, Scootaloo is the Lois Lane of this story? Oh, whatever, let’s just move on before my brain decides to malfunction.

Supermare confronts Vril, who explains the backstory of Supermare and how he knows it. Supermare says that she isn’t interested in that and says that she only wants to know if Scootaloo is safe. Vril reveals her and says that he will not surrender her stating that she is important to his plan.

Supermare, not interested in his plan, attacks Vril and the two duke it out for a while.

I still cannot fathom how a Kryptonian such as you could retain so much of her ‘Equestrian Upbringing’ and still be able to function... well, I say function in the broadest sense of the term.”

A computer with a snarky attitude. That’s a stupid idea.

Would you prefer to be the pot or the kettle, sir?

Shut up.

Supermare tries to overpower Vril, but Vril proves too much for her. Vril then takes Scootaloo back to his ship and flies off with her. Supermare tries to keep up, but Vril disappears before she can catch them.

Supermare decides that she needs to find out more about Vril and goes to consult her father on the matter.

Jor-el explains that Vril was the only one of his species, the Coluans, that they ever met, presuming that the other members of his race died years ago. He explains that Vril came to their world even before Kryptonian’s took to space. He explains that through experiments and augmentations, Vril, known to the Kryptonian’s as Brainiac, he was able to transcend pony existence.

“Brainiac is more machine than pony;

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Jor-el explains that Krypton put too much trust in Brainiac and that Brainiac stole the city of Kandor in his mad quest for power and knowledge. Rainbow Dash asks how and why it happened, and Jor-el says…

“I cannot answer that question, Kara. I could have found a solution, but Krypton was destroyed before I could get around to it.

It’s not like I had a time window or anything and probably could have used that to find out where Brainiac is keeping Kandor or use it to spy on him or something and learned how to free my people.

Rainbow Dash rushes back home believing that Brainiac will strike again, stealing something that Rainbow Dash loves to use as leverage.

I don’t really see why he needs extra leverage since he already has Scootaloo as a hostage and a child’s death might hurt Rainbow Dash more than anything, but whatever.

She races home and meets with her mother and she explains what Brainiac is planning. She tells her to lay low and is off to protect Thunderlane.

Supermare explains what is going on to Thunderlane and Thunderlane says that she can’t be an effective guardian if she can’t be close to anyone. Dude, she asked you to wait for her for a while, not break up with her. Geez, this guys really can’t let go, can he?

Supermare is suddenly attacked by a masked man named Slade. Oh, wait this is rated teen, so Deathstroke. Deathstroke hits Supermare with Kryptonite and flies off with her after knocking out Thunderlane.

Supermare is delivered to Lex and Brainiac and the two start to toast their success.

Rainbow Dash finds herself tied to a table and… Oh, God! Brainiac is going to turn Rainbow Dash into Cupcakes! Run for your lives!

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Actually, she wakes up on Brainiac’s ship with Brainiac’s robot guards preparing to dissect her. Which really is not that much different from Cupcakes. But Rainbow Dash breaks free and tears apart the robots with little difficulty. She starts to soar around the base looking for Kandor and Scootaloo.

Brainiac tries to stop Rainbow Dash from freeing the city of Kandor, but Rainbow Dash is able to overpower his minions. Brainiac then offers Rainbow Dash to be a part of the city of Kandor and the last survivors of the city. And Rainbow Dash replies thusly …

“Read my lips: go to-”

“I predicted that you would answer in such a way. Fortunately, I planned for such a reaction.”

Yeah, actions speak louder than words, Brainiac. Here’s what happened to the last guy that tried that.

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But it turns out that Brainiac is giving the sadistic Spider-Man Vs Green Goblin choice on the bridge scene. Brainiac has implanted microchip in Scootaloo’s brain and planted a bomb in Cloudsdale. If Supermare goes to save Cloudsdale, the microchip will fry Scootaloo’s brain and kill her. If she tries to save Scootaloo, the bomb will go off in Cloudsdale and kill hundreds of ponies.  And within 15 minutes, the bomb will go off and Scootaloo will die anyway, giving a small window of opportunity for Supermare to come up with a plan.

Brainiac explains that the test is designed to break her will. That it will break the illusion of control Supermare thinks she has.

While I do question, why Brainiac needs to make a sadistic choice for Supermare, this is a pretty damn good dilemma and I am very interested to see how she will get out of it.

Supermare smirks and quickly uses her heat vision to fry to pressure plate beneath her, which would have set off either reaction. Um… Brainiac, you still have Scootaloo. Even if the pressure plate was the trigger for the bomb, I’d imagine that you’d still have control of the surge that would kill Scootaloo.

Anyway, Supermare rescues Scootaloo and gets her off the ship.

Supermare gets Scootaloo to Cloudsdale and orders her to give the shrunken city of Kandor to Firefly.

Supermare starts to scout for the bomb, but after she locates it, she is attacked by Deathstroke. Supermare tries to explain what is going to happen, but Deathstroke says he just wants to finish the job he started.

They fight it out, with Deathstroke using a sword that can cut through Supermare’s flesh. I would question it, but in Equestria, magic is as common as flies, so maybe it’s a magic sword.

Supermare finally beats Deathstroke and Deathstroke runs off. Well… that was distracting…

So Supermare analyzes the bomb and after exploring all of her options, she punches it. The bomb explodes but somehow the resulting explosion is not enough to take out Cloudsdale. … That was kind of reckless. Not to mention stupid.

But it turns out that Rainbow Dash is as surprised as I am (understandably so) and it looks like it’s time to face down Brainiac. Cue Superman theme song!

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Supermare and Brainiac start beating each other, but Supermare finally gets the upper hand (or hoof in this case). Brainiac starts to flip out (and for a guy who says doesn’t have emotions he is sure vengeful) and comes at Supermare with everything he has.

Firefly overhears the battle and races off to help Supermare. Brainiac is finally able to pin Supermare down and is about to finish her when Firefly appears and distracts him. However, before Firefly is able to get away, Brainiac kills her.

Good Parent Deaths – 3

Bad Parent Deaths – 0

And Good parent deaths take the lead by 3 points. Thanks for playing everypony!

Yeah, I really shouldn’t take light of this, because it is pretty tragic, but I can’t help it.

Supermare goes into a blind rage and tries to kill Brainiac, but Thunderlane stops him saying it’s not right and that he’s not an executioner.

A week passes by and Supermare continues to moan the loss of her mother. She consults her father, asking if there was more she could have done. Her father says that she may have to make that choice one day and he says that he knows she will make the right decision.

“I do not wish to pry, but how is your adoptive mother?” Rainbow paused, looking out at the snow beyond the Fortress before looking back at Jor-El.

“She’ll live.” With that, she spread her wings and took flight, heading south towards Ponyville.

God, damn it! Now, I have to change the scoreboard! Thanks a lot, fake out!

We cut to Lex, who is looking over Deathstroke’s sword that happens to have Supermare’s blood on it as he plans to use it to further his goals.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash visits her mother in the hospital and Thunderlane explains that she discovered Rainbow Dash’s secret identity.

And finally, our story ends with a hunchback named Desaad going up to his master on another world. And what is this master’s name?

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And that’s Mare of Steel Part 2. … Honestly… I liked part 1 better…

… Just hear me out.

I’m not saying it was bad, I’m just saying I felt it wasn’t as strong as the other one. The first one felt more focused and more centered. It was about Rainbow Dash coming to terms with her identity and the battle against her heritage.

Here it felt all over the place. One minute we’re dealing with Steel Wing, then Lex and then Brainiac and we are never really given a chance to breathe or take a moment to reflect. Honestly, simply lengthening the story could have helped a great amount.

The love interest was… really not that interesting. I really don’t see what real purpose Thunderlane had in this story. Yeah, he was the romantic interest, but he felt like he was thrown in last minute, like the relationship wasn’t able to flourish as it should in a short story. We hardly know anything about him and he’s just not that interesting a character for me to be invested in. There wasn’t any role he played that I felt Scootaloo couldn’t accomplish.

In fact, it made more sense to have a better relationship with Scootaloo than Thunderlane, since Scootaloo was actually in danger and she was actually threatened by the villain. I’m not saying that they should have a romantic relationship, Lord that is not what I’m saying, but maybe an older sister/little sister relationship that would have taught Rainbow Dash a little bit about being a sibling and an example to others. Isn’t that what an older sibling is to a younger one? And isn’t that what Supermare is supposed to be, according to her father?

The villains were interesting, while not as interesting as Zod. Brainiac was cool, but not as interesting to watch. Lex, we hardly got to know, so I hardly connected with him. The only villain that I actually enjoyed reading about was General Steel Wing. His paranoia made him an interesting character and enjoyed reading about him. He was actually pretty well done and I felt sorry for him in the end.

It also suffers a lot of the same problems as the first half of the story, but I do admit it got better as the story went on. For the first few chapters the talking head syndrome was present, but as it went on, they story got better at giving the characters movement. There were still sections of it, but they didn’t feel like talking heads.

The action scenes were more creative, though I do question why Deathstroke needed to be in this when we had three villains already.

It clearly takes some of the best pieces of the Superman mythos such as Superman: Brainiac, Superman the Animated Series and Justice League series.

Now,for all that I’ve said, what kind of judgment to I give it?...

…

…

…

While the second part did hurt this story, I don’t think it was enough to not enjoy it. There are things to enjoy about it. Rainbow Dash felt completely in character, even as Supermare. The other members of the main six were not just assholes to get into Rainbow Dash’s way, they actually made use of their skills to aid her when they could. The villains, while there were a couple that didn’t interest me, were never unlikable to the point of annoying. All the villains still had a level of threat and respect to them that they need and were more than a match for Supermare. The action scenes were pretty good. There was a level of emotion for the characters, and while I do think that some scenes could have used more and other scenes could have used more exploration, the scenes that were fleshed out were pretty damn fleshed out.

There were few spelling and grammar errors, but nothing that interfered with what was meant to be enjoyed. Overall, it was just plain fun. And a story that is fun to read is all I need to approve it. Yes, it has problems. Yes, it has flaws. Yes, there are things I didn’t like. Yes, there are things I hated. But isn’t that true with every piece of art?

Every piece of art has a flaw. It’s just knowing where to look for it. And if the artist can make it more difficult to spot it, harder we have to try to break the illusion to find it. And while I don’t think this was the best story I’ve ever read, I still regard it as a well done one. I would recommend it to anyone to enjoy.

And that’s my review of Mare of Steel. What do you guys think?

Yeah, I figured that would be the response. Have a good day guys.

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Lightning made his way back to the library he was forced to remain at until he was prepared for his task. He had not spoken to his partners about the severity of his mission. It was of the most important task of any the Grand Ruler had asked of him. Yet, he was charged with doing it alone. Alone, against one earth pony who didn’t seem to do anything but whine about how he wasn’t getting anywhere in life.  A pony who would constantly complain about things that he didn’t like about stories he had read.

Lightning would shake his head at his claims. If only he had the power of believing, he thought to himself. Besides, if he is so smart, why does he not have a successful story to his name?

He had been studying up on his opponent. He needed to be prepared. Not that there was much to go on. His family record beyond his great grandfather was shrouded in mystery. Not that it seemed that interesting anyway. They owned a small library in Ponyville, rebuilt after the one owned by one of Equestria’s greatest heroes had been destroyed in a mysterious fire. The library was rebuilt and given to the family of the Critique.

Aside from that, the Critique was did not seem anything that could threaten their operation. He was average intelligence at best, had no physical attributes and had made almost zero accomplishments. His computer, however, seemed to be something else entirely. There was no information on where he acquired it or where it came from. Still, it seemed like a powerful weapon had been placed in the hooves of an idiot.

And yet, the Grand Ruler was frightened of him. He would hide it under his stern glare and his confident smile, but he had been keen on reading his master’s facial expressions. He was afraid of this pony. Even more than their encounter with Titan.  As he made his way to the sofa, a tiny fairy flew up to his face.

“Well, how was the strategy meeting?” she asked.

Lightning shook his head. “It was fine.” He slunk down in the seat, taking in a deep breath. As he exhaled, he looked to the ground, his eyes not fixed on any specific point. His vision just seemed to peer at the floor as his mind echoed with his strategy to battle this Critique. He had no powers. No abilities. And as far as he knew, no magic. Not like him. His Uniforce was unstoppable. Not even the so called Elements of Harmony or the power of friendship could stop it. Or at least, that is what the Grand Ruler had told him.

Yet as he sat on the sofa, his mind conjured a question. If the Uniforce can overtake the Elements of Harmony, why have we waited so long for our attack?

The fairy sat herself upon the arm of the chair. “Are you alright?” Lightning looked over to her as she sat down. “You seem distracted.”

Lightning placed his hoof on his forehead. “Krysta, I’ve been ordered by the Grand Ruler to take out our newest enemy.”

Krysta’s eyes widened as her body shook with fear. “A new enemy?” She curled up and shook her head. “Is it anything like Titan?”

Lighting looked over to her and gently picked up Krysta. He took a deep breath as his eyes diverted away from her. “According to the Grand Ruler, he’s much worse.”

Krysta clasped her hands to her mouth, as she let out a gasp. A silence fell upon the room as the moment etched itself in her mind. She looked down to the center of Lightning’s hoof as tears began to dwell in her eyes. “What are we going to do?”

Lightning gave a smile and tilted Krysta’s head up to his with his hoof. Upon seeing his face, Krysta replied with a smile. “Don’t worry,” Lightning said reassuringly. “We’ll beat him. Just like everything else we’ve faced.”

Krysta leaped up in the air and wrapped her tiny arms around Lightning as best she could.

Lightning placed gently returned her hug. “All I need is the power of believing and I’ll conquer it.”

Krysta looked up to him. “I know you can beat it, whatever it is!”

Lightning let out a chuckle as he tilted his head upwards and blankly looked up to the ceiling. He wasn’t sure how this pony could be any more dangerous that the ‘Lord of the Dimension of Evil’ Titan. But he wasn’t going to take any chances. He knew if he was to protect his home and his Grand Ruler, he would have to destroy his enemy.

Spider-Man by James Cameron

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

Amazing Spider-Man 2 is in theaters in the next couple of days! And… really… I wish I was more hyped…

The changes to the costume make it resemble the comicbook more. :pinkiehappy: The costume’s overly bright colors make it look too cartoony. :ajbemused:

It's going to be a complicated plot that will keep you guessing the entire movie. :raritystarry: It's going to be a complicated plot that most viewers won't be able to follow. :twilightangry2:

It's got a lot of verity of villains. :yay: It's got way too much plot going on. :facehoof:

It’s going to be the best of the Spider-Man movies! :ajsmug: It's going to be worse than Spider-Man 3. :raritydespair:

It has a great cast including Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, and Dane Dehaan. :rainbowdetermined2: It has Jamie Foxx playing Electro. :pinkiesick:

As you can see there are a lot of worries and excitement going into this movie and with the trailers basically spoiling most of the movie, it’s hard to get really excited about it. But we’re not here to talk about Amazing Spider-Man 2. We are here to talk about a terrible Spider-Man movie.

No, not that piece of shit. I’m talking about the Spider-Man movie that never was. And frankly we are all glad it never was. The Spider-Man movie by James Cameron.

For those of you who don’t know, James Cameron is a Hollywood director on several good movies such as Terminator, its sequel, Aliens, that one movie with Leonardo De'crap'io.

Yeah, yeah, shut up!

So, you would think that the director of such successful films would be able to make a pretty damn good Spider-Man film, right? Actually, you would be right.

In the 90’s, (exact date is difficult to find) James Cameron wrote a script for a Spider-Man movie. However, the studio had difficulties obtaining the rights to Spider-Man, so the movie was never made. Though pieces of the script can still be found all over the internet, very few people know of its existence.

And very few people know that, if that film had been made, it actually wouldn’t have been that bad. According to just the script alone, Spider-Man still would have been his energetic self, arguably more than his Raimi counterpart. The plot was well written and it actually looked kind of interesting. However, there are a couple points that would make fans scratch their heads.

For one, this Spider-Man movie was supposed to be rated R. Yeah… A lighthearted superhero… in a rated R movie? This isn’t Deadpool! This isn’t the Punisher! It’s fucking Spider-Man!

Another couple of things that are a little bothersome are that, Peter Parker is a peeping tom. … Yeah, I don’t remember that in the comics…

Peter Parker and Mary Jane have bondage sex on top of the World Trade Center. … Wait, what?!

Youtube Video

Peter Parker ties up Mary Jane as part of a creepy spider sex thing with her… Eww…

Also, the movie seemed to have a bit of a potty mouth, with most of the profanity coming from Spider-Man himself. Now this was done before the Ultimate Spider-Man reboot, so there is no excuse. Well, technically, that still isn’t an excuse.

And the fact that… PETER PARKER HAD BONDAGE SEX WITH MARY JANE!

What the fucking hell?!

But despite this movie never being made, it was still used as a springboard for many of the things you see in the first Raimi Spider-Man movie. Such as the organic webbing, the relationship between Mary Jane (though taking away the bondage sex was a smart move), and Flash Thompson being a generic bully (I didn’t say everything they took was a good idea).

So, if James Cameron can write a really good Spider-Man movie, where the hell did this script come from?

I’d hate to ruin James Cameron for you guys, but while he did write the rated R version of Raimi’s Spider-Man, he also wrote what I would consider to be the worst Spider-Man movie of all time. And I get on my knees every day and thank God that this piece of shit never got green lighted. This movie would have replaced Howard the Duck as Marvel’s biggest movie disaster. This would have been the Marvel equivalent of Batman & Robin.

Yeah… That bad, people. So let’s dig into The Spider-Man movie that never was by James Cameron and see just why I am grateful there is someone out there who didn’t want me to have a bad childhood.

We open our script at a local college in the lab of Doctor Otto Octavius beginning some kind of experiment. It should be noted that the role of one of my favorite Spider-Man villains of all time would be played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. … Wait what?

Wait, so they wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play one of the most tormented scientists in the Spider-Man universe? Look, I know that in the 90’s Schwarzenegger was a huge action movie star. I loved him in the Terminator movies, but if history is any indicator when you put Arnold Schwarzenegger in the role of a nerdy, tormented scientist, you get nothing but really bad ice related puns!

Youtube Video

Or maybe that’s just bad directing…

Okay, chill, Critique. Let’s just judge the script.

Anyway, Octavius is focusing on his experiment when his henchman named Weiner walks in. … He has a henchman named Weiner?… Oh, god that image will never go away.

However, the experiment seems to fail as all it does it break the glass windows nearby. He’s in a school?! What made you think it was a good idea to test whatever the hell you are testing in a school?!

But Octavius doesn’t seem bothered by it, as he just dusts himself off and tries the experiment again.

OCK

Okey... dokey!

… Okey… dokey? Did Doctor Octavius just say… ‘Okey Dokey’? Well, maybe it will be like Spectacular Spider-Man where you think Octavius is a weak willed man who is easily pushed around and what you consider to be a nerd, but when he actually becomes Doctor Octopus, he will be a fucking badass.

Here’s to hope.

We then get introduced to our hero, Peter Parker, who is marching through the school when a beautiful woman should come up to him. Who is the beautiful young woman? Mary Jane? Gwen Stacy? Betty Brant? Felicia Hardy?

LIZ ALLEN is also a senior. She's beautiful and

intelligent.

Liz Allen? Huh? That’s kind of an obscure character. She never really had a relationship with Peter in the comics. Yeah, there were a couple scenes, but most of the time Peter was falling for Betty Brant. And even when Liz admitted to liking Peter, he didn’t reciprocate it. In fact, they never really got in a relationship until Spectacular Spider-Man the T.V series and that didn’t come out until almost 15 years later.

So, where did Liz Allen come from? She’s wasn’t a huge character in the Spider-Man series at the time. In fact, the only significant thing that was going on with her at the time was she was married to Harry Osborn, the Green Goblin and Peter’s best friend.

I know I’m lingering on this, but this is a very odd decision. Were they going to scrap her at the end of this and replace her with a well-known Spider-Man love interest? My god, Debra Whitman had more chemistry with Peter than Liz, and most of you have no fucking idea who she is!

Okay, I better move on. We still have a lot of script to go through.

Speaking of Harry Osborn, we see him arrive, rather out of nowhere I might add, as he asks to speak to Peter in private.

HARRY

Did the Astro-Physics Journal really

accept your paper?

Peter: I was just about to get to first base with Liz and you come up to me with a question about my physics paper?! No wonder your father thinks I’m better than you!

PETER

Yes. Look, Harry, I am busy with...

(indicates Liz standing

there)

HARRY

Yeah, you and the rest of the class.

Every one is busy with Liz.

Damn, I knew Liz was bad in the comics, but geez, I didn’t think it was this bad.

And because this wouldn’t be a terrible movie without a terribly, cliché bully, in comes Flash Thompson. And then he disappears… Well, I’m sure he’ll be pertinent in all this.

So, Harry and Peter dismiss Flash, just like the movie did, as they make their way to Octavius’s class.

Back at the lab of Doctor Octavius, we see two professors named Roz and Thorkel (nice names by the way) trying to see what Octavius is doing in his lab.

OCK

The anti-force experiment has now reached

the limit of electronic overload safety.

Therefore, Weiner, you will disconnect

the overload safety device...

Gross!

So, he starts to fiddle with his experiment with his four waldos. Wait, what?

FOUR WALDOS (three-fingered, snake-like mechanical arms)

… Was it really necessary to call these things names? Isn’t mechanical arms a good name for them already? And really? Waldos? Fucking Waldos! Are you fucking serious?! That’s seriously the best name that you could come up with?!

If you wanted to go for a good name, maybe the Harness? The Octoarms? The Metal snake things that move other things? I don’t know! But, Waldos?! Fucking…

Let’s just keep going…

Weiner goes to the door and tries to sway the professors to leave Octavius in peace.

However, the professors won’t budge and demand to see Doctor Octavius.

ROZ & THORKEL

Professor Octavius!!

Wait, he’s a professor? Professor Octavius? Well, maybe we’ll still get Dr. Octopus out of it. Maybe it’s just a cover or something.

Anyway, the professors try to talk to Octavius about his class and his students, but Octavius is too consumed by his experiment.

OCK

Thorkel you are the dummiest

administrator our university has ever had.

… The dummiest administrator? … Really? Doctor Octavius… Oh, sorry, Professor Octavius, just called someone the dummiest administrator? Who wrote this script?! A five year old?! It’s Doctor freaking Octopus! What in the world would make you think that he would come up with the kind of insult a four year old could outwit?! You are the dummiest writer who ever lived!

Ock tells the professors to examine his genius, but they tell him that he’s clearly lost it.

Meanwhile, back at Ock’s class we see that the classroom is being affected by Octavius’s experiment, with the room slightly shaking to resemble an earthquake, and that Peter is one of the first people to notice.

Ock’s experiment causes his classroom to catch fire as it knocks over some flammable material. Liz Allan, because she is the love interest in this story, gets caught behind the fire and is trapped.

Obviously, she has been taking lessons from Rarity on the subject.

Youtube Video

Everyone, take notes.

Peter tries to get the fire extinguisher to save her, but fumbles around with it. Flash finally is able to get pass the professor, who didn’t do anything to stop Peter from risking his life, but clearly prevented Flash from risking his.

Maybe like all schools, all that matters is the football team.

Yeah, that’s right! I said it!

Flash steals away the fire extinguisher from Peter and manages to save Liz.

So, Professor Octavius arrives at his classroom, not even noticing the burning smell or the fact that several students almost died and begins class like nothing happened.

And yet, none of the students bring this up and not even the dummiest administrator, who is in the same fucking room, does anything about it!

THORKEL

Wait a minute, wait a minute... you've

got fire forms to fill out, Dr. Octavius.

Wait, so now he’s Dr. Octavius again? I’m confused.

So, Dr/Professor Octavius explains to his students that they will be studying the power of “the forces”, whatever the hell that means. And explains that he is searching for something called “the anti-force”. Something that apparently can reverse one of the fundamental forces of reality, such as gravity.

OCK is "playing" his COMPUTER like the Phantom of the

Opera at the organ.

Oh, god! How long will it take him to sing about his angel of science!

And I can’t even picture this in my mind! It would just look too fucking silly!

Ock begins his experiment again and raises a ball with the power of “the force”.

Youtube Video

He then exposes that there are two separate worlds in reality. One that they live on and the one that is just out of reach. However, if someone were to reach that dimension it would destroy all life as we know it. But I’m sure Docfessor Octavius would never do something like…

OCK

Don't worry yourself, true inter-

dimensional penetration is still purely

theoretical, but one day... Maybe very

near... maybe in the 21st century...

You might as well have had a big sign over your head saying, “I’m Evil!”

So, after class Peter and Liz talk in the hallway about Flash when suddenly a woman shows up to them.

KIM comes by and leans seductively by her LOCKER. KIM is

a ripe one and hot-hot-hot!

You can tell where Cameron’s mind was during this portion of the story.

Also, the character’s name is Kim Nickson. Who the hell is Kim Nickson?

I’ve never seen this character in the comics! Was she made up just for the movie?! Look, I don’t mind original characters, but you have 30+ years of issues of Spider-Man! Why don’t you use characters that actually appear in the damn books?!

And apparently she has a pet salamander that she keeps in her locker… Weird. And totally pointless, as we will see later in the story.

Peter rushes off after Kim comes onto him and Harry tries his luck but gets rejected. And you wonder why Norman likes Peter more.

However, Peter is stopped by Weiner. Oh, god, the yoai fanfics are beginning to haunt me again.

Weiner tells Peter that Professor Octavius would like to see him.

Peter goes to Octavius’s lab and starts to discuss the physics paper Peter wrote. Octavius shows a lot of interest in it and wants to see it for himself. However, Peter says that he isn’t finished with the calculations yet and that he needs more time. Octavius tells him to come to his lab tonight.

OCK

Make it eight sharp... I'll be waiting

for you... Right here...

I get it. He’s an octopus… Ha, ha, ha… I’m dying of laughter…

So, Peter leaves and Professor Octavius tells Weiner to get Peter’s research paper for him. You know, it’s hard to take this seriously, when a 18 year old college kid can outthink a super genius! I know Peter Parker is supposed to be smart, but this is just stupid!

He’s smarter than Professor Octavius, the villain who was able to make his own mechanical arms. Oh, I’m sorry, Waldos! I hated those names so much, I completely forgot about them!

So, Peter rushes to the Daily Bugle. Yeah, he works for the Daily Bugle before he is Spider-Man. … Odd…

He tries to sell some pictures to the editor in chief, J. Johan Jameson, and he replies thusly…

Youtube Video

Peter leaves the Bugle with his head hung down as Jameson won’t pay him for any of his photos. He returns to his apartment when his Aunt May appears out of his kitchen.

MAY

(comes in)

I was just so desperately bored... I

thought I'd come over and make you dinner...

Peter: Aunt May, you’re the greatest! I would sell my marriage to the devil for you!

Aunt May: Peter! Don’t even joke about that! That’ s completely and utterly stupid!

Meanwhile, back at the school’s lab, the dummiest administrator and his assistant find that someone has torn apart the lab looking for something. They decide to investigate it themselves, instead of doing something sensible like calling the police, when they discover that Professor Octavius is performing his experiment again.

Geez, that is all we’ve seen him do!

Anyway, the two professors arrive and shut down Octavius’s project. Octavius tries to let him use the machine, stating that he is close to success, but the professors aren’t having any of it and tell him to vacate the lab.

We then cut to the home of Peter Parker where his Uncle Ben is sitting in his lazy chair, drinking a beer. Apparently, Uncle Ben is an alcoholic here. Or maybe he saw the script for this and is doing what I am doing. Trying to forget we ever read it.

The three sit down for dinner, but then Peter runs off to meet with the clearly psychotic Professor.

Peter arrives at Octavius’s lab and the professor decides to show Peter what he is up to.

OCK

You are late.

(to Weiner)

Weiner, go outside and get us something

to eat. And don't steal it! Just buy it.

I'll reimburse you.

Wait, why would you say “don’t steal it!” in front of someone who could most likely call the police on you?! I think if someone had to remind someone else not to steal something, that would raise a red flag! And why would you even bring that into a conversation?! There was no reason to say that! Peter wasn’t suspecting anything!

Fortunately for the professor, this Peter Parker is an idiot and doesn’t think it suspicious at all. Professor Octavius begins his experiment to create the “anti-force” as a small spider crawls into the room.

Octavius attempts to convince Peter that, with his paper, he would be able to complete his experiment. Peter is oddly excited about this, since according to the lecture about the anti-force, it would destroy the world if it was ever utilized.

Professor Octavius gets mad at Peter, when he refuses to give him the paper stating that it isn’t finished yet, and sends his one of his Waldos to crush the lonely spider crawling on the wall.

Yeah… That makes no freaking sense. He just attacks the spider with no rhyme or reason. He then goes on a rampage, telling Peter to give him the paper.

Peter, finally taking a hint, rushes off.

Professor Octavius continues his experiment without the other half of the formula (and yes it is as stupid as it sounds) when the spider gets caught in the blast. The spider then lands on the Professor’s hand and bites him.

So, that’s how Superior Spider-Man got made. … Hindsight’s a bitch…

So, yeah. Professor Octavius gets bitten by a super charged spider. I don’t remember that happening in the comics, but hey, I’ve only been a Spider-Man fan all my life reading most of his comics and history for years and years. What the fuck do I know?

OCK

(ecstasy above the din)

It's an energy storm! Okey! Dokey!

Okay, this is the sixth time you’ve said this line! What is with that line?! It makes no sense!

So, Weiner finally arrives after an explosion happens in the lab. He finds Octavius, who somehow survived, and makes a run for it when the police approach.

The dummiest administrator tries to assure the police and everyone else that they are safe, when Jameson arrives and demands to know the truth. Doesn’t that seem like something a reporter should do and not the editor in chief? I know Jameson does sometimes like to be on the forefront of his own newspaper, but I have a really hard time with this.

So Jameson ends up finding Peter in the crowd and bribes him a hundred dollars to go into a highly contaminated area that most likely contains radiation.

And like an idiot, Peter agrees.

Peter: Sweet! I just made myself a hundred bucks! Screw radiation poisoning and cancer, I’ll be able to pay my rent this month!

Peter sneaks into the school and notices the police, in hazmat suits, taking away Octavius. He then runs into the mysterious glowing spider that bit Octavius and gets bitten himself.

The bite makes Peter dizzy as he makes his way back outside, no doubt being dosed in radiation and could possibly contaminate everything he touches, but hey, what do I know about science?

Peter passes out and when he wakes up, finds himself perched on the side of a building like a spider. And according to the script, Peter takes this pretty well, just calling it weird.

No, Peter, weird is when you and that mare you really like show up at same Chinese restaurant. This is like finding out that she is an alien threating to consume your brain to take over the world. … Not that… I would know…

So, Peter decides to test out his new powers, doing all the flips and kicks that you would expect from Spider-Man.

As Peter does his stunts to test out his powers, he is seen and eventually approached by a named Max Reiss.

PETER

(reading card)

Max Reiss, models, strip dancers, escort

girls, blue movies...

Okay, that’s pretty messed up.

Actually, Max actually wants Peter as a performer with his new found abilities and eventually sways him into investing his money on his new manager.

Yes, Peter, invest with the guy who is into strip dancers and blue movies. I’m sure this won’t backfire in anyway.

So, Peter calls up his Aunt May and tries to explain what happened at the lab, but Aunt May isn’t listening and insists that he come home. I’m so glad this expanded upon the character so much, otherwise this might have been pointless… Oh, wait! It was!

We cut to Octavius who is recovering from surgery and it is revealed that his waldos have been fused to his body. The dummiest administrator comes to visit him and tells him that they are permanently shutting down his work.

Octavius takes this about as well as you’d expect…

Youtube Video

Octavius says that he found the other world he was talking about while he was unconscious and says that he could find that world again if he continues his experiment. He then kills off the dummiest administrator and put him in his place to fool the medical staff of his escape.

Yes, because I’m sure they won’t notice that the man on the bed IS MISSING HIS WALDOS! … Oh, dear lord that sounds wrong!

OCK

Okey, dokey.

STOP SAYING THAT!

I hate you…

So, Peter goes to meet with Reiss and Reiss takes him to a wrestling arena, where he expects Peter to challenge heavy weight wrestlers. However, because of Peter’s spider powers he should be able to win easily.

Reiss gives him his Spider-Man suit and tells him to wear it for the match and so Peter dawns his Spider-Man costume and goes to face off against Crusher Cole. (It’s supposed to be Crusher Hogan, but considering that you even kept Crusher is a shock to me.)

RING ANNOUNCER

And now, a new challenger, for the

thousand dollar fight, weighing in at one

hundred and fifty pounds... from parts

unknown! Here is the Amazing...

Mysterious... Incredible Superman...

No, no. I read about him last week and so I’m not doing any more Superman jokes.

So Crusher attacks the newly named Spider-Man, but he proves to be too fast for Crusher to catch. Spider-Man wears him down and then knocks him out with his spider strength.

After the match, Spider-Man and his manager are approached by Crusher.

CRUSHER

Hi, who are you, kid?

PETER

I'm Peter Parker.

REISS

He is Spider-Man, and I handle him...

Whenever you want a rematch call me.

Next time it's gonna be ten thousand,

what do you say... Crusher?

I’m going to put this into the rant later pile. Oh, don’t worry. It’ll be worth it.

So, Liz, Kim, Peter and Harry meet the next day to discuss the appearance of Spider-Man as they go to visit Doctor Professor Whatever title he wants to have Octavius in the hospital.

However, when they arrive they find out that he has vanished.

No shit, because that couldn’t be made clear by the sudden disappearance of his mechanical arms that are fused to his body!

We cut to Octavius who returns to the ruins of his lab, obviously there are no police or medical forces making sure there isn’t anyone who enters the contaminated area…

His henchmen, Weiner, comes back and is relieved to see the Professor is still alive. Weiner explains about what he saw at the wrestling arena and the introduction of Spider-Man.

Octavius’s asks Weiner if he could defeat Crusher. … Wait what? Why does he care about wrestling? Why does he even care about what Weiner said about wrestling? Wasn’t he just ranting about his goal to destroy the world or some crap like that?!

He tells his henchmen to go after Peter and to steal his data from him.

OCK

What a wreck. What a useless, wasted

wreck. Okey, dokey. We rebuild you, my

damaged darling. Bigger, better, hotter!

A world class, super cyclotron!

Okay, one… Bigger and better I can understand but… hotter? What does he have a machine fetish?!

Two… Stop saying “Okey, dokey!”

So, Weiner goes to collect Peter Parker’s data from his apartment, but Spider-Man is there to stop him by tossing him off a three story building into some bushes. I very much doubt that those bushes would stop Weiner from going splat on the sidewalk… Oh, dear lord I just said that…

Meanwhile, Doctor Octavius robs an armored car.

Suddenly a WALDO smashes through the DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW

of the ARMORED TRUCK, wrapping around the DRIVER'S NECK

and pulling him through the WINDOW.

I think all that Cameron really wanted to do with this story was write a lot of dick innuendos! Seriously, I’ve read clop fiction that is more appropriate than this!

We then cut to the Daily Bugle where Peter is just learning about the robbery of the armored truck.

We cut back to Doctor Octavius at his hideout, where Weiner slithers in from the shadows. He explains that the school is having a masquerade party and that Weiner planed on going.

Wait what? That comes out of left field! Why the hell are we concerning ourselves with a masquerade party!? Oh and as we later see, this masquerade party is pretty fucking pointless!

Octavius tells Weiner that he isn’t going and instead he is going to focus on getting Peter’s data from him.

We cut to the masquerade party where Peter, Harry and Liz get into a conversation with Roz, the new dummiest administrator. They ask about what he knows about Octavius, but he say he doesn’t know anything beyond what was seen in the newspaper.

Suddenly, Flash Thompson arrives wearing a Spider-Man outfit and goes to make his move on Liz.

This is as close to the source material as this story gets, everyone. It only goes downhill from here.

During the party, Flash is reading the recent newspaper on Spider-Man and everyone around him claims how cool it would be to have Spider-Man show up. Peter overhears this and decides to impress everyone by having the real Spider-Man join the party.

He dawns his suit and arrives at the party with everyone flocking to him, especially Liz Allen, who is now in love with him.

We cut to the home of Uncle Ben and Aunt May where Ben is ranting about rock and roll music.

I wonder if he and Batman ever team up to take on the evils of rock and roll music. … I’m not kidding.

So, Aunt May urges Ben not to worry about it and to turn in for the night.

Meanwhile, Peter is rushing home because of a tingling sensation that something bad is going to happen to Uncle Ben and Aunt May.

His Spider-Sense does not work that way! It can’t sense when someone else is in danger! Especially, if they are clear across town!

We cut to the Parker house, where a noise is heard coming from downstairs. Ben Parker goes down to investigate. It turns out that Wiener broke into the Parker house continuing to look for Peter’s formula. During a scuffle between Weiner and Ben… Oh, Jesus Christ… Ben is shot just in time for Peter to see the killer.

Peter tries to save his uncle as Weiner runs away.

The police and the paramedics arrive, but they are too late to save Uncle Ben. Peter, enraged by his uncle’s death, chases after Weiner as Spider-Man.

He traps him in a warehouse and confronts him. The police surround the warehouse demanding the two give themselves up. Meanwhile, they start to fight, causing the warehouse to catch on fire.

Spider-Man finally manages to catch Weiner and leaves him for the police.

You just completely undermined the entire origin story of Spider-Man! Yes, Weiner and he had one interaction, but Weiner was not doing anything illegal. And he didn’t do anything illegal until he actually broke into Ben Parker’s home. He never actually broke the law until that night when Uncle Ben died!

In the original story, a criminal, who Spider-Man spots, runs past him and Spider-Man doesn’t lift a finger to stop him and he escapes the police! Then the criminal shows up at his home killing his Uncle Ben!

It was Peter’s selfishness and pride that cost him his Uncle Ben! And that is the special element of why Spider-Man fights crime! Because he blames himself for what happened to his Uncle Ben! Because he failed to use his powers to help people and because he failed to be a selfless person, he now spends his life trying to fix the mistake he made!

This has no special connection to it! Peter doesn’t connect with this death at all! Yeah, he’s still pissed off about Weiner killing his Uncle Ben, but that doesn’t have the special connection that causes Peter to feel guilt about how he could have done more, which pushes him into become a superhero in the first place!

Anyway, we cut back to Octavius’s lab where he is putting the finishing touches on his machine. Damn, this guy works quick! What has it been? One day since he purchased the parts for his experiment?! And what about the freaking shipping to the lab he is working from?! Did he just roll up a monster shopping cart or something?!

However, he realizes that he still needs Peter’s physics paper and goes off to confront Peter about it.

I'll be back... my babies... my new

babies!

We cut back to Peter’s apartment as he continues his work on his physics paper. Apparently, Uncle Ben meant as much to him as he did the movie, because there is no mention of him ever again.

I know it’s a change from where he is whining about Uncle Ben’s death every other scene, but come on! There is not even time to mourn him! He’s dead, next scene! What a freaking joke!

Anyway, Liz knocks on his door to pick up her computer he was using and Peter goes downstairs to get her a cab.

Professor Octavius then attacks Liz in the apartment. He proclaims himself as Spider-Man and… wait, what?!

Professor Octavius just called himself Spider-Man?! We already have one character named that! Why are we naming him Spider-Man too?! And while we are on the subject, why the hell doesn’t Professor Octavius have superpowers like Peter?!

He was bitten by the same damn spider that was dosed with the same damn radiation! I know I should be happy since this is closer to the original comic since in the original comic Octopus has no superpowers, but it makes no damn sense! How the hell should Peter develop superpowers when the same thing happened to Octavius and yet he didn’t develop superpowers! Explain to me how that works!

Octavius tries to get Liz to tell him where Peter is, but Liz says she doesn’t know.

OCK

(running his Waldo in her hair)

You wouldn't lie to your Professor now,

would you?

Dear lord, this is porno fan fiction! That’s all this is people! Think about it! Penis innuendos every single scene, vain attempts at humor, a poor catchphrase for a character, plot points that are introduced and forgotten, and the disrespect of the source material!

This is crap fiction!

LIZ

What are you doing... let me go! Please...

take those things out of my hair!

That is not helping your argument against it!

Octavius starts to make a pass at Liz, (ewww) and Liz takes this opportunity to stick his … Nope, I’m not even going to finish the sentence. I’m not playing this game anymore. I’m not.

She gets away from him and rushes to the street to try and find Peter. Peter rushes up to the apartment, apparently the two missing each other and puts on his Spider-Man outfit.

Liz is trying to escape Octavius when he finally catches up to her, saying he will use her as bait for Peter Parker.

However, Spider-Man finally arrives to confront Octavius and we get our first superhero/super villain battle.

OCK

(holding Liz)

Who the hell are you?

SPIDER-MAN

Spider-Man.

LIZ

(seeing Spidey)

Spider-Man...

OCK

That's a lot of crap, clown... I am

Spider-Man, not you.

(points to Liz)

Ask you girlfriend.

(to Liz)

Tell him!

No, you are not Spider-Man! Shut up!

OCK

(screams)

Hey... you jerk... you phony Spider-Man...

Prepare to meet your death, bug.

Wow, your boundless imagination for quips and insults just leap off the page, Ock. … You are so clever. Between jerk and the dummiest administrator, no one could combat your wisecracks. What's the next brilliant insult you are going to come up with? Doo-doo head?

SPIDER-MAN

Over here, Octopus!

OCK

That's Professor Octopus to you Spider

Jerk!

Okay, if this is the dialogue you’ve come up with for clever banter for Spider-Man and Octavius, then I’m glad that the Raimi films had little to no quips in them! That’s right, I would rather take one joke per movie that was actually almost funny, rather than this dialogue (if you can even call it that!)

Two, YOU JUST SAID YOUR NAME WAS SPIDER-MAN, OCTAVIUS! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU?! YOU GET UPSET WHEN WE  DON’T CALL YOU SPIDER-MAN! AND THEN YOU TELL US YOU WANT US TO CALL YOU PROFESSOR OCTOPUS!

Three, PROFESSOR OCTOPUS?! REALLY?!

They fight for a while, but Professor Octopus runs away as the police come. Spider-Man then picks up Liz Allen and takes her to the Empire State Building… What? Why? You just saved her from a psychopath yeah, but that’s no reason to kidnap her.

Anyway, he takes her home, with Liz not even question how Spider-Man could know where she lives. Maybe she just likes to think of his as a peeping Tom.

Spider-Man tries to tell Liz who he really is, but can’t seem to bring it up and takes Liz back to Flash.

Flash has a fanboy reaction when he sees Spider-Man (frankly so would I) and shows Spider-Man the Bugle’s recent paper saying that Spider-Man is a criminal. Flash, of course, doesn’t believe it and says he supports Spidey 100%. While this is nice to see Flash Thompson actually being close to his comic counterpart, there is one thing about this scene that totally ruins it for me.

The Daily Bugle is hunting down Spider-Man as a criminal. So, what about his wrestling manager? The wrestling manager knows who Spider-Man really is! He has seen his face! He knows what he can do! He has information that could lead to catching a criminal! If he saw the newspaper, why doesn’t he go to the police telling them what he knows?!

And I know that some of you are saying, “Maybe he doesn’t want to get caught for the illegal stuff he does.” Then why doesn’t he just give an anonymous tip about it?! We never actually see Peter leave the wrestling business and we never see Reiss again!

We can only assume that he broke off with him after the death of his uncle. And I very much doubt that Reiss would just let it slide, especially after reading that Spider-Man is a wanted criminal!

What about freaking Crusher?! He knows the identity of Spider-Man as well. And as nice a guy as he seemed, he probably doesn’t want to let a criminal out in the open! Especially if they have the power set that Spider-Man has!

This is completely stupid! It makes no sense! And it makes the wrestling even completely pointless, since it has nothing to do with his origin!

Okay, rant over. Told you I was saving it.

Anyway, Peter gets back to his apartment and finds that the physics paper that he had hidden has been stolen by Octavius.

PETER pulls a file marked "Planetary Conjunction."

He opens it.

A piece of PAPER falls out. It says, "Kiss it goodbye,

Wall Crawler!"

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Wait a minute! Are you suggesting that Professor Octopus knows that Peter is Spider-Man?! If not, why the hell would he write that?! Why would he think the connection between Spider-Man and Peter Parker?! He knows they’re friends, not the same damn person!

If so, why the hell doesn’t he go to the police with this or give an anonymous tip to the Daily Bugle about Spider-Man’s secret identity?! Or threaten to tell the world his identity if he interferes?!

Oh, my god, I’m not even close to the end yet! And believe me, it only get stupider from here. So, here’s a picture of a cute kitten while I get something to drown my sorrows in.

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Okay, now that I’ve got my drink… Let’s continue…

We cut to Professor Octopus in his lab implementing the information that Peter Parker wrote. He sees that with the new data, his dream of seeing the otherworld will be a reality, thus destroying the world as we know it. So he sets his timer for 13 hours.

Wait, what? Why 13 hours? Why not just do it now? I’m assuming that the machine doesn’t have the power to perform it, but that isn’t made very clear.

Oh, well. At least, this adds a ticking clock element to the story. Now, Spider-Man only has a few hours to stop Prof Ock (Seriously say that out loud and tell me it isn’t stupid) and save the day. This should prove interesting.

Meanwhile, Peter meets with Harry and discusses with him what happened.

HARRY

I went to the wrestling, wanted to see

that Amazing Spider-Man, but he didn't

show up.

Again, why the hell doesn’t the manager just call the Daily Bugle and expose Spider-Man’s secret-! … Fuck it, let’s just get through this!

So, Peter asks Harry to hack into Dr/Professor/Spiderpus OctoMan’s computer to find out what he’s up to. Even though Peter should already know, since well, he was told his plan when he first confronted him!

Also, Harry is a hacker in this world apparently. Even though, in none of the comics I’ve read has Harry shown any prowess in such areas.

Peter and Harry see the countdown to doomsday is in 6 hours. Oh, wow. Now, Peter’s really got to start moving his ass if he’s going to take down Octopus before the end of the world.

It turns out the Octopus’s experiment is wreaking havoc on the whole town, causing power surges that cause fires and electrical damage.

A train crashes and Spider-Man arrives to try and help the people trapped inside.

During the rescue effort, he meets up with Roz, the dummiest administrator’s assistant. Roz tells Spidey that Octopus is behind the destruction the city is going through and that it’s only going to get worse.

Roz explains that Octopus it going for plutonium to power his machine. Wait, what? Why does he need plutonium if his machine is already operational?! And if his plan was to get plutonium to power his machine, why the hell did he need a countdown timer?

Whatever, let’s just move on!

Spider-Man rescues the civilians trapped on the train, but he is quickly becoming tired as he swings off to find Octopus.

Meanwhile, Liz and Aunt May are getting to know one another as May asks if Liz is Peter’s girlfriend. Liz says that they aren’t an item because Peter is too focused on his studies. That or the universe is trying to correct the consistency with the comics.

We cut back to Spidey finding Ock and confronting him. The police arrive and try to arrest them…

FEMALE COP

(gun poised)

Alright! Freeze! Up against the wall

and spread 'em

OCK complies. He raises his hands... and spreads the

WALDOS to full extension!

Anyway… Octopus escapes the cops and Spider-Man chases after him. However, Spider-Man’s webbing is quickly losing Octopus’s red Vette… Yeah, yeah it’s stupid. So he hitches a ride with Flash Thompson and Liz and tells Flash to step on it, chasing after Octopus

Yes, Peter, involve two innocent civilians who have no superpowers, no skills or any abilities that will come in handy to take down a psychotic murder!

Ugh… Anyway, they have a car chase scene, which would be cool if Spider-Man was swinging through the air to chase after it, but instead he’s riding in the back seat with Flash Thompson driving.

They chase Ock to New Jersey and Liz asks why he would go there.

SPIDER-MAN

New Jersey has the largest toxic waste

dump in the world.

I would like to extend my apologies to anyone who lives in New Jersey who happens to be reading this.

So, they finally hit a traffic jam and Spider-Man leaps out of the car to follow Ock.

Ock finds the sight where the plutonium is store, not even bothering with a hazard suit or anything that would protect him from radiation.

Spider-Man finds him and confronts him.

SPIDER-MAN

Open that now, and you'll spoil Christmas.

Or you know? Die from radiation poisoning…

Spidey and Ock fight for a while with the two trying to gain control of the plutonium.

OCK

Insect! I am going to squash you to

death... Once I lay my Waldos on your

skinny bones...

Yeah… I’m going to need something stronger … Here’s some kittens while you wait…

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Okay… I think I’m good now…

Professor Octopus manages to get an advantage in the fight as he knocks Spider-Man around and tosses him into a well of chemicals.

However, Spider-Man manages to catch himself at the last second and springs out to face Octavius again.

However, Spider-Man is once again helpless against Ock. So, Liz and Flash arrive to try to help, only to be captured by Octopus themselves.

But then Roz shows up and tries to talk Ock down. How the hell did he get there so freaking fast?! Last I checked, he was in a train that crashed as a result of Octopus’s experiment! I don’t think he’d be allowed to leave on his own without seeing a medical doctor!

OCK

But, they won't help me. Everybody is

trying to destroy my experiment. And so

are you, Rosomorf.

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Roz agrees to help Octopus with his experiment if he releases Liz and Flash. However, Octopus decides to keep Liz as a hostage to makes sure he cooperates. He orders them to get the drums of plutonium into his truck.

While working, Roz manages to find Spider-Man and tells him to stop Octopus at any cost. And Octopus is, of course, too stupid to keep an eye on Roz!

Spider-Man gets an idea and goes to a payphone to call Harry… Wait, what?

Harry tells him that Octopus has already punched in Peter’s data and that it’s only a matter of time before Octopus destroys the world.

59 minutes to be exact. Is it sad that I am rooting for Octopus to succeed if only to make sure this story is erased from existence?!

Anyway, Spider-Man rushes over to Octopus’s lab, where he finds that Liz and Flash have been taken as hostages.

Fortunately, Harry and Kim (yes, apparently she is still in this movie, even though she has served no purpose to it) arrive and they save Liz and Flash. They go to stop Octopus from destroy the world.

I thought this was supposed to be a Spider-Man story! Why isn’t Spider-Man doing anything?!

Spider-Man and Roz finally come upon the University and see the Octopus has already started the procedure to doomsday.

Spider-Man and Roz make their way to the lab and try to convince Octopus to shut it down. Octopus, who is coo-coo for Co-co puffs, refuses, saying that it is his destiny to destroy the world and see what the other world is like.

OCK

My energy storm has

started. My Anti-Force is on! History

is being made... Spider-Man, Rosomorf

cheer up friends... we're on our way to

the unknown cosmos... we three are about

to visit heaven... real Gods heaven.

Real God’s Heaven? … What the fucking hell on a sandwich does that even mean?! There’s no explanation as to what that is even supposed to mean?! Is there another heaven outside the one people who die normally go to? Does he consider heaven hell and that this heaven is actually the real heaven?! What the hell does it mean?!

Liz, being an idiot, rushes into the building to try and find Peter, who she knows is in there. Even though, there is no evidence of that, but we’ll come back to that.

And through the power of the anti-force the university starts to fly into space.

Spider-Man and Ock battle again, Spider-Man trying to shut down Octopus’s device. Roz manages to cut of Octopus’s Waldo with a fire axe and Octopus screams at him.

OCK

You were my teacher! And you want to

destroy my experiment. You are a

scientist for heaven sake... don't you

want to know what's up there?

And then Ock kills him.

Wow, Spidey’s track record of saving people isn’t all that spectacular.

Spider-Man and Octopus battle each other, when Liz Allen happens to walk in. Spider-Man gets distracted and starts to get pummeled by Octopus.

Spider-Man recovers as Liz arrives next to him and Spider-Man tells her that they need to stop the machine. They started to unplug it hoping that it will shut it down, but it proves too late.

However, as the portal opens it is revealed that what Spider-Man and Liz did make the portal smaller, only allowing a single person to travel through it. Don’t ask, the story’s almost over.

Liz tries to stop him, but Octopus is determined to go, even if he has to die for it.

OCK

Okey... dokey... Now that's what I call

an experiment!!!

STOP SAYING OKEY DOKEY!

So, with the destruction of the machine, the university begins to fall out of the sky with Spider-Man and Liz trying to escape it. Even though, Spider-Man could just leap out of one of the windows and shoot a web line, but whatever.

After a long and rather pointless escape scene, Liz passes out.

And our story ends with Liz waking up in Peter’s arms and them proclaiming their love for one another. Yes, because Liz couldn’t be wrong about Peter actually being at the damn school when it made no sense for him to be there!

I think you all know what how I feel about this story…

But first… I need a drink, here’s something cute, while I get a refill…

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Okay… I’m good now…

Can you see why this never got made?

It is unreal how bad this thing is. For someone who two years before directed Terminator 2, this is a pretty bad step down. I know as an artist you have bad projects, but… this! This is a flipping joke!

The characters are bland, with the exception of Flash Thompson. Yes, Flash Thompson was better than Spider-Man in a Spider-Man movie! And for that matter, Spider-Man never really did anything! He didn’t actually defeated Octopus! He didn’t fight any crimes, he hardly saved anyone, and he hardly had anything to do with the plot!

Octopus only went after him to get a research paper from Peter! Spider-Man stories should not work that way! You go after Peter Parker, endangering the people close to him so you can get to Spider-Man!

The dick innuendos are everywhere in this script and I guarantee you jokes would be made about this movie by everyone who saw it! The dialogue is just unnatural and strange! Octopus is a fucking joke and many plot points that came up we never saw again!

Is the Daily Bugle still hunting Spider-Man?! What about the wrestling guy?! What happened with that?!

Many characters that appear are never mentioned again. Like Kim? Yeah, what the fuck was her point in all this! Oh, yeah, she’s hot-hot-hot! Fuck that shit!

Or Uncle Ben?! One of the most essential parts of Spider-Man’s origin! Yeah, he was great wasn’t he? In all of the two scenes he was in and not one of them was he interacting with Peter, trying to be a father to him!

And even after his death, he’s never mentioned again or even shown how he affected May and Peter’s life. Yeah, he’s never brought up again!

The changes to the comic were unnecessary! Peter being in college when he gets his powers?! Doctor Octopus being a Professor?! Professor Octopus gets bitten by a radioactive spider?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

This movie is dog shit and I am so glad that this got canned! It’s stupid, it makes no sense, it has no place in Spider-Man’s history other than to be forgotten!

It makes Spider-Man 3 look good by comparison!

Not that good.

I guess if we were to take anything from this, it’s this, “Great artist have bad days.” And that is something we should all take, but this is pushing it for a bad day!

Have a great day, guys! If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the midnight showing of Amazing Spider-Man 2!

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3's & 7's

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Well, after a few weeks of nothing but either distractions or good fics. It’s time I get back to my roots. And what better way to do that than with-

Sir, do you not think you should talk about Amazing Spider-Man 2?

No, I don’t think I should talk about it.

Is it because you despise this movie so much that you feel that you couldn’t contain your anger if you started to discuss your feelings towards it?

I am not talking about it!

Is it because you enjoyed it so much that you will not discuss it for fear of those who hated it will attempt to kill you?

I’m just not going to talk about it! I’ve already been though a Spider-Man review last week and I’m not doing another one!

Sir, I would highly recommend reviewing it. You put so much emphasis on it, the fans will be expecting it.

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Very well, but you are making a mistake.

Huff… Anyway… Its time I started talking once again about the worst of the worst fan fictions out there. And boy are we in for a treat. Out of all the human in Equestria stories I’ve read, this one is probably the worst. Yes, it is worse than Exile of Daimon and Human of a Pony. How exactly does it beat the intense Applejack hatred and Flutter… eww…

Well, let’s dig into 3's & 7'sby System Breaker and find out.

So, we start off our story with our main character, who somehow appears in Equestria. Oh, good. Another human in Equestria story. Well, let’s see how unoriginal and uninspiring this one can be.

So, he comes across Fluttershy’s cottage, but stumbles over due to his injury. Fluttershy sees him and takes him in to nurse him back to health. And now we start the “Main character falls in love with me” timer…

And begin!

My eyesight was still disoriented, but I already knew it was Fluttershy. After all, she was the only small yellow being that lived in that house AND was capable of opening a door.

You heard right, kids! Unless you are a pony in this world, you are incapable of doing anything! Racism! It’s good for you!

So, Fluttershy nurses him back to health, which results in her slapping a bandage on his body. Also, the character (since we don’t know his name) has the balls to say that Fluttershy has no medical knowledge of any kind.

Yeah, Fluttershy has nursed several animals back to normal! I think she has more medical knowledge than you, you idiot! Of course, being such a big fan of the show, as the main character clearly states, you should already know that!

“Wow,” gawked Fluttershy. “So you’re some kind of two-legged pony?”

“No, I’m a human,” I explained, hoping Lyra wasn’t listening.

Okay… Why is Lyra even in this conversation? You wasted a reference on something that most people don’t get! I have no idea why the hell you are mentioning Lyra, when she has no relevance to what is going on?! You just referenced her for a stupid joke that doesn’t need to be there!

“I’m a bipedal sentient being that is quite familiar with pony culture… In other words, I’m a smart creature that stands on two legs and knows about ponies.”

“All those other creatures around here, they’re as dumb as a bunch of rocks!”

:fluttershysad: What about dragons?

“Nope, stupid.”

:fluttershysad: Or zebras?

“Nope, they’re stupid too.”

:fluttershysad: Buffalos?

“Yeah, they’re a herd of idiots.”

:fluttershysad: Griffins?

“Every race that I am not a part of is stupid! What part of that do you not understand?!”

Wow… I feel like I need a drink and we are not even 1000 words into this.

“This is amazing!” Fluttershy whispered. “I have to show you to Twilight! She’ll have so many questions!”

“Slow down there!” I stopped her. “You barely know anything about me and you think taking me to your friend is a good idea. What if I were dangerous?”

Hey, he’s got a good point. Why would you trust this absolute stranger to your friends? You barely know anything about him! Except for the fact that he is clearly racist! He insults your ability as a medical expert and he appears out of nowhere with no explanation of how he got there! I’m sorry, I agree with the Mary-Sue here. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to call him that. I mean, he just has many of the qualities that you’d find in a Mary-Sue, I got confused… No, actually, I’m calling him Mary-Sue anyway. I don’t need to know his name. As far as I’m concern, you are Mary-Sue.

He introduces himself, but frankly what’s the point of giving him a name? There is nothing to distinguish him from every other human in Equestria stories.

Don’t believe me. Well, let’s look at the checklist.

1: Mysteriously appears in Equestria by some random bullshit.

2: Is somehow more of an expert in everything than the main characters.

3: Has to explain that he is clearly dangerous even though he has shown no signs of such a thing.

4: Is easily taken in by a group of multicolored ponies even though they have never seen anything like him before and would obviously have a million questions.

5: Easily accepts that he is in a world of multicolored ponies because their life in the real world is so terrible that they can’t live there anymore and ultimately fall in love with Equestria.

Keep an eye on those numbers. They will be going up.

“I have a name,” I smiled. “My name is William
Mary Sue.
. As strange as that may sound, it actually does mean something.”

6: A name that has significance even though it’s just a god damn name and really doesn’t have any impact on who you are as a person.

Also, something that is atrocious in this story is the formatting. The sentences are all scrunched together leaving absolutely no breathing room. And honestly, it’s a little distracting. You have an ‘enter’ key on your keyboard! Use it more than once! Use it at least twice to separate your paragraphs! It makes it easier to read than a fucking wall of text!

So they make their way to Twilight's house to see if they can find out how he got here.

“It doesn’t make sense!” she yelled, her wings flailing out in her frustration. “Humans aren’t supposed to exist! They’re all mythological!”

Wait, what?! You mean to tell me that Twilight Sparkle went on that adventure to the human world and doesn’t believe that humans can exist! Is that really what you expect me to believe?!

What?! Did she just dream up the events that happened in Equestria Girls?! … Well, I wish I had, but what the hell?! Does she think that the human world she went to was just an illusion?! That is was some work of fiction?!

If so, they why the flying fuck did she care that she kept the element from Sunset Shimmer?! The world wasn’t real! The characters there weren’t real! And by that logic, the threat wasn’t real! So there is nothing for Twilight to care about in that world if it was just a figment of her imagination and I don’t think that’s how it worked!

You claim to be a much bigger fan of the show than anyone you know, but I’m sorry, I’m not convinced! I am not convinced! There is no way you could be a fan of the show and not realize this! My guess is, you watched the trailer for the movie, watched a bunch of clips on Youtube about the characters and decided to write this. You need to do proper research before writing something. If you aren’t going to put the time and effort into doing the research for what you are writing about, don’t write about it! It would be like me doing a homework assignment on Abraham Lincoln, but not even putting forth the effort into figuring out who he was and what he did.

Critique: Ms. Princess Celestia, I wrote my report on Abraham Lincoln.

Celestia: Critique, this just says that he was a human who did something.

Critique: Yeah, he totally was that one human who did that one thing and he was totally radical!

Celestia: Well, what did he do?

Critique: You know? That thing… That thing that he did… And that’s why he’s awesome!

Celestia: I understand that, my dear, but what did he do?

Critique: He… lived a long happy life?

Celestia: You’re getting an ‘F’.

Here’s an idea. DO SOME RESEARCH!

So, Twilight asks Mary-Sue for his name.

“William,” I stated proudly. “It means chosen guardian.”

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Who talks like this?! I don’t go around and say what my name means when I introduce myself! But you know who does? People who think they are more important than everyone else! They are so important that you need to know every aspect of their lives and who they are and what their names mean and what their favorite color is and what kind of breakfast they had two weeks ago and… WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

It’s not the author wanting us to love the characters; it’s the characters making us love them by being characters! The characters that I love in film, games, books, and other forms of media don’t shout to the audience, “Love us! Love us!” We fall in love with these characters because they act like normal characters! They act like people! This character does not act like that! He acts like he wants the audience to love him because the author loves him!

Now, there’s no problem with loving your character, but they need to be an actual character! Not a tool for your fantasies! This character, like most of the others before him, is just a tool! He’s just a tool for the author to live out his dreams of falling in love with the main character, but we’ll get to that in a minute!

“Humans don’t get cutie marks” I explained. “We never get any indicator as to what our special talent is. We’re forced to search on our own using trial and error.”

Yeah, because as we all know, ponies are just handed (or hoofed in this case) their cutie marks. They never get their cutie marks through trial and error. Nope. Never not once do ponies ever have to actually struggle in their efforts to discover who they really are and who they want to be. Nope. Never has happened in the show. Never…

Oh, hello, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo. How are you three today? Still working on those cutie marks?

That doesn’t sound easy or fun,” Twilight butted in.

“You bet your purple plot it ain’t” I grumbled.

Lord, I hate this character.

So, Mary-Sue explains that he doesn’t remember how he arrived in Equestria (translation the author hasn’t come up with a way that isn’t completely stupid yet) and Twilight explains that they were about to have a celebratory holiday concerning Starswirl’s birthday. And it wouldn’t be a Mary-Sue story without Mary-Sue being invited to the party. Sure, why not?

He starts to scan the library for books when he finds a book on the Binding of Isaac, which is actually a video game in our world.

Sure, why not? Makes about as much sense as Equestria being the same world as Final Fantasy 7 and Sephiroth being an Islamic deity. (Don’t ask.)

Shaking it off as a coincidence, I plucked the book from its snug place on the shelf between the end of one shelf and another book whose title I didn’t bother looking at (or yet anyways).

Gee, I wonder if that book will play any significant part in this story. I am truly wondering. This story is truly keeping me on my toes and is keeping me guessing.

So, it turns out that more of human work was found in Twilight’s library. Like “Assassin’s Creed.” Because, clearly ponies are not capable of making good fiction. (Though you’re one to talk, Mr. I can’t write a decent character to save my life, or come up with an original plot and instead use an overly cliché plot.)

The festival was all-out. They did pretty much everything they could to make it fun.

Wow, this party is just awesome! I mean we are doing… um… we are… We are having fun by doing… um…

What the fuck are we doing that is fun?! Is this fun?!

Yeah, that looks like fun, doesn’t it?! Because that’s what’s going through my head right now!

What’s that? Not what you had in mind?

THEN EXPLAIN IT, YOU IDIOT!

Show us what is happening! Don’t tell us they are having fun! Show us that they are having fun! Are they throwing darts?! Riding roller-coaster?! Burning people at the stake?! I don’t give a flying shit what they are doing! I’d just like some God-damn clarity!

Eventually, Rainbow Dash caught up with us and joined in. Me and Rainbow Dash didn’t have too much in common, but we were still able to have a nice conversation which was certainly a nice change from just watching.

Yes, enjoy the conversation between Mary-Sue and Rainbow Dash. Enjoy their conversation, guys. See how their words connect with one another, giving us a deeper understanding of the characters. Enjoy it to your heart’s content.

So, Mary-Sue enjoys the party… I guess… and starts talking to Twilight. When suddenly who should appear…

Trixie!

Mary-Sue, Twilight and Rainbow Dash approach Trixie and ask her why she is here.

“Why, Trixie is simply here because Trixie is HOMELESS!” Trixie responded sarcastically.

Wait… so, she doesn’t need a home? There’s a difference between responding snarky and responding sarcastically. Guess what? You picked the wrong one! Good for you!

Twilight shook herself out of a daze from hearing something she hadn’t thought of first from a human and whispered to me, “Don’t bother talking with her, William. She can’t be trusted at all.”

What the flipping hell?! Did we forget that Trixie was under mind control from the alicorn amulet and that she has basically reformed her ways asking forgiveness from Twilight?! Even if you don’t count Equestria Girls as canon, the fucking episode Magic Duel is still canon, you twit!

The episode aired on December 1st of 2012. This chapter was written a whole year later! And on top of that, you said that Twilight has her wings at this point! So, why the fucking hell does that episode not have any relevance to what is going on here?! Did Twilight just forget that Trixie was under mind control from the alicorn amulet or something?!

I wonder what other important things she’ll forget. Maybe that Discord is on their side, or that Babs Seed is an unofficial Cutie Mark Crusader, or hell, why don’t we go all the way and make her forget that she’s a princess now.

There’s a thing called your brain… try using it!

So, Mary-Sue tries to explain that Trixie is simply misunderstood, even though Twilight and her friends should already know that, but hey, we need to make Twilight and every other character in the story look bad, even though it makes no fucking sense, so we can make Trixie and Mary Sue look good! That’s good storytelling for you!

Trixie wants to take Mary-Sue away and Twilight and Rainbow Dash are unrealistically overprotective of him. To which Mary-Sue snaps at them.

7: Inability to be wrong and other characters (except for the love interest) inability to be correct unless it is siding with the character.

“You gals have showed me a good time and I had fun tonight, so thank you, but I’m going to go with Trixie.”

What good time?! You haven’t done anything?! All we’ve seen you do is yell at them for no good reason! And what do you mean ‘good time’?! Did you have pony sex with them or something?! It’s the only thing missing from this Mary-Sue story!

It was so quiet between me and Trixie that it was almost painful.

Now, you know what I’m going through by reading this.

So, they make their way to the Neverfree Forest.

No… that’s not a typo. They make their way to the Neverfree Forest.

… … … Look… I’m not opposed to creating new places for Equestria. Sometimes you need to make places that haven’t be introduced yet. I get that. But… this… is the most unimaginative thing I have ever seen. Seriously? The Neverfree Forest? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you out of your mind with stupid? That is the single dumbest thing I have ever… No, that’s the single dumbest thing, period. The pinnacle of stupid. There are no other words that you can use to describe out uncreative this is!

And what is the Neverfree Forest? Well, I’ll let the author explain…

I know you probably don’t know what the Neverfree Forest is, and I didn’t either. It just pops up on you. At one moment we were walking in cold frosty darkness and the next moment, there’s sunlight beating down on us through the branches of healthy green-leafed apple trees. It was like walking from one season to the next. Trixie could notice my reaction to it so she explained that the Neverfree Forest was the opposite of the Everfree Forest.

Well, assuming that you didn’t click on the back button to read something else, we see that Mary-Sue went with Trixie because he wants to make her a better pony. Because clearly that is something that Twilight Sparkle and her friends are incapable of doing, except for one, slight problem…

THEY DID IT IN THE FUCKING SHOW, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

I know I’m dwelling, but the fact that he had to state that

Believe me, I am a HUGE fan of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Bigger than the majority of people I know who watch the show.

But, clearly he isn’t, because he doesn’t even know or respect what the source material has set up for him! The characters act like the author doesn’t give a shit about it and wants to manipulate the characters to his own ends! It goes back to the tools thing!

The only purpose for any character to be in this story is to get the author what he wants! And that’s Trixie sweet ass!

That’s it, people! That’s the whole damn story! But there’s a lot more stupid that I can comment on, so let’s just move on!

So, Trixie decides to show Mary-Sue a doorway that leads to a labyrinth, which she created. Yeah… she created a labyrinth for herself, but has no way of making an actually home or place to stay… What?

So, they hear a creature coming for them (which is never explained or revealed and plays no significance to the story, but hey the author doesn’t care so why should I?) and Mary-Sue and Trixie find themselves trapped inside.

She was crying uncontrollably. “No! This maze is supposed to be unescapable! We’re gonna die in here!”

Wait, you made a maze that you couldn’t escape? You built the god-damn maze, Trixie! How the fucking hell can you not get out of it?! You designed the damn thing! You have to know all of its secrets!

And for that matter, why the hell were you showing Mary-Sue your maze anyway?! Were you planning to lock him in it for all eternity?! Did everypony in this world take stupid pills when they woke up this morning or was that just the writer?!

Urgh… My brain is starting to hurt. I think this story is giving me a brain tumor.

So, Trixie guides Mary-Sue through the maze (which is what I just ranted about) and Mary-Sue sees the triangle insignia from Assassin’s Creed. He then goes on about how he loves Assassin’s Creed and how everything about it is sweet and… What the fucking hell does this have to do with the fucking plot?!

Youtube Video

So, Mary-Sue figures out the riddle to get one of the keys, because he’s so god-damn special he can just do that. And they are on their way to getting out of the maze. Also, Trixie designed the maze herself! How can she not know the answers to the fucking riddles when she made the damn things herself?!

Night falls and Trixie and Mary-Sue start to discuss their options. And of course, it wouldn’t be a Mary-Sue story without our Mary-Sue instantly relating to Trixie’s problems even though they clearly don’t make any sense and just comes out of nowhere and is never fully developed.

How bad is it? Well, let’s dig into it a little bit to find out.

“And it isn’t fun, not at all. I have anxiety because I spent the majority of grade school days alone.”

Ah, yes. Your grade school days that we never see, are never reminded of, or are never mentioned again. And in no way do we see how they shape you. We are told about them, but we never actually see that. Yes, indeed those days were truly difficult for you because you told us that it was and no reason else.

“I constantly made an ass of myself in front of everyone and that’s why nobody was ever with me, really.

Ah, yes. Indeed you making an ass of yourself has truly shown its colors in this story when you… um… you… Saved Trixie from a monster? No, that can’t be it. Um… Read through Twilight’s library? No, that’s not it either. Um… Had pony sex with Twilight and Rainbow Dash?... I’m sorry… what kind of humiliating things did you do again?

“That’s why we all need at least one good friend by our side. Being alone is actually REALLY unhealthy, too.

Hm… you seem to be a tad confused. As I recall in the first chapter of the story, you called out to your friends, who just to reiterate are not really your friends and leave you totally alone, to come and help you. Now, most of you would think that this is stupid because if they aren’t your friends then why would you call them out of everyone you know to help you, but what you fail to realize is that I am using my scarf as a means of which to hang myself. And that makes it all better.

So, of course, Trixie buys this bullshit and they spend the night cuddling together.

Morning finally comes and Mary-Sue starts his morning routine.

My morning routine is mundane, so I’m not gonna bother explaining that in detail.

… Then why the fuck did you even bring it up? What was the point?! Why would you even mention that if you aren’t going to bother on exploring on it?! It’s pointless!

Wait, I take that back, if he started explaining it, it would just make the story that much longer, so I’ll take what I can get.

I began to let my mind wander… sure enough it wandered to the darker subjects on my mind like, what would become of my human friends? What are they doing now?

Ah, yes. The human friends that you supposedly don’t have. You keep switching back and forth between either you have friends or you don’t have friends! Make up your fucking mind! I’ve seen games of pong that don’t go back and forth as much as you!

What became of my physical being in the human world?

What?! What do you mean happened to your physical being in the human world?! Are you not your physical being here?! Are you in a dream?! Is this some kind of fantasy your mind made up?! If so, why do you care about what is happening?! It’s not real! None of the characters are real! The maze isn’t real! So why the flying fuck do you give a damn?!

What if I were to meet my OC Reaper here?

Oh and here’s a good joke. His OC’s are so great and so well-rounded characters, that he is under the delusion that his characters are good enough to be considered canon. Fucking ridiculous! A three year old could develop a better character than you! And she would most likely just make a copy of Twilight Sparkle and stick her own name on it!

That’s how bland, boring, and unoriginal your character is! And I very much doubt Reaper is going to be anything different!

“Morning,” she uttered softly. It was unlike her to talk so… lightly. Was she… nah! That’s something that would happen in a bad fanfiction!

Ha, ha, ha! That’s funny because this is a bad fanfiction! Oh, that’s beautiful. That’s the best line in this story. And it’s only because the author finally realized he was writing shit, so he decided to say, “Screw you guys. I’m writing shit.”

Well, that or he's believes that if he says he's writing a bad story, that automatically makes it not a bad story. Yeah, that doesn't work that way.

So, Mary-Sue tells Trixie everything about his life and thankfully the author is too lazy to go into depth into this conversation, so we never learn about him, giving us a sense of connection to him. That’s so freaking awesome. I’m so glad that Trixie knows everything about him and not the audience, who is probably who you want to hear his life story, but after making your character so uninvesting and so uninteresting that there is no one left to read it. Great writing!

So, they continue to make it through the maze when they come across another trial. But Trixie says she didn’t place it.

And Mary-Sue finds a message that is the lyrics to Prayer to a Refugee, because the author has clearly run out of ideas and wants to fill up this story with as much padding as possible. This wouldn’t be so bad if it gave us insight into the characters and the story, but nope. All it does is remind me that I could be spending my time doing something more entertaining.

And apparently, the song is so touching and so powerful that it actually makes Trixie start crying…

Wow… I like Rise against, but… wow… That is pushing the stupid meter to about 11. Wow. I’m glad that Trixie has an emotional connection to a song in the human world and not the actually CHARACTER SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FALLING IN LOVE WITH!

He then has a panic attack, but eventually calms down. When Trixie asks him why he was having a panic attack, Mary-Sue explains…

“I just have… so many questions,”

Like?

“The only reason I have them is because I was put under a lot of mental distress all at once a few months ago…

Okay, that’s all well and good, but what kind of questions do you have?

I had a HUGE panic attack. I’ve started having smaller ones regularly whenever I get worried about something.

Yeah, I gathered, but what is bothering you that would cause you to have a panic attack?

They’re normally pretty small, but that one was big.”

Forget it, I don’t fucking care anymore.

They come across another trail where they have to solve a riddle. And here’s something great for you. The answer to the riddle is panic attacks.

…

Starting to see why this is worse?

Everything … Everything in this story revolves around this character! The trails are all specially designed to make sure that only Mary-Sue can figure them out! Because he is so great and wonderful and everything about him should be loved!

That is exactly the opposite of what a good story does! A good story takes a character and puts them in a situation that can overwhelm them or they don’t have the talents or abilities to succeed and its them adapting through trial and error to find a way to overcome the challenges. It’s learning new skills to overcome the trail. Turning weaknesses into strengths, being creative with what talents you can use. This story never does that. This story just puts the character in a situation where no matter what he does or what he says, he’s never wrong and is never challenge by anything.

That is not interesting. That’s not investing. It’s just fantasy fulfillment. For all his talk of ‘trial and error’, there doesn’t seem to be much of that going on. It just seems a lot of ‘error’ is going on. … Hey, that’s still better than every single joke in this story.

So, we come to another trail and is basically glanced over with Mary-Sue’s wave of his pinkie and they get another key.

They decided to make camp for the night and of course, Mary-Sue gets Trixie ass. Wow, you are really pushing the envelope on creativity. Next you’ll be telling me that he dies in her arms (forelegs, but whatever). It wouldn’t be any more far ‘fetched than anything else you’ve written.

15 minutes. Well, that’s enough for a romantic interest. 15 minutes together and they are already cuddling. I give it 5 minutes before they start having sex. Now some of you might think that this is incredibly stupid and forced since relationships don’t work that way, but what you fail to realize is I’m holding a knife to my forearms and that makes it all better.

We then get an author’s note and this is a great author’s note! Are you ready for it? Because this author’s note going to totally blow your fucking mind! Are you ready? You ready?

As short of a story as it is, it still reflects a lot on who I am and gives you an insight on my stupidity and intelligence (in their rightful places, of course) as well as how I relate to some of the characters in the show and a little of my own backstory.

… … … … Actually… no. No, it doesn’t. First off, name one time you have actually been stupid. That’s right! You can’t! There has never been one move where it clearly said, you made the wrong choice! Every time you make a choice you choose the right one! There is no challenge to you! There is no depth to you! I would get more depth from a paperclip than I would you!

Second, you never show off anything resembling intelligence. Instead, you make pop culture references and bad jokes. You show everything about what you like or what is relevant to your life, distancing everything around you as unimportant. Everything that doesn’t pertain to you is not important and is uninteresting and has no place in the world.

Third, you never actually show any of your backstory to us! Yeah, you TELL us what your backstory is, but you never actually show these events! You never actually describe them to us! You never once tell us why we should give a rat’s ass about your problems except for “I’m the author and you better believe what I say.” That’s not good writing!

Oh, and take a gander at this…

Yes, this is entirely self-insert, the name, the backstory, the friends, the panic attacks, the peanut, the Patrick (the references from SpongeBob that I make because of Soundspeed).

… Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I am not opposed to self-insert in fan fiction or storytelling.

… Hear me out.

I am not opposed to it as long as it is done well and it is done right. I am under the belief that any story can work if it is done right. If it is done for the right reason. But this! This is a fucking joke. That’s all this story is to its author! A joke. Never once caring about the source material. Never once caring about the characters. Never investing his time and effort into making the story. And if the author doesn’t care about it, why should the audience care about it?

So, anyway…

They get to the great door where they start putting in the keys to get out of the labyrinth. When suddenly, he has another panic attack.

But Trixie is able to calm him down by confessing her love to him. I would say that this is stupid sense the audience can’t relate with this decision, but I’ve frankly given up and now I’m going to finish this story, so I can drown myself in something.

They finally find the next key and get out of the labyrinth. Twilight and Rainbow Dash attack the two, for no damn reason and end up killing Mary-Sue.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash, despite you two being completely out of character, you are now my favorite characters in the show!

But it turns out that it was all a dream this whole time as he wakes up in a hospital room.

I think we all know what kind of rating this fic deserves…

This is one of the hardest stories I’ve ever had to read. And that’s a feat. Believe me, that is a spectacular feat.

The characters are bland, boring, stale and the repeated Mary-Sue story that I’ve read a million times in the past. There is nothing to distinguish this character from every other character. There is nothing that makes him unique, nothing that makes me convinced that this person would be at all interesting in real life. If I had to judge this person just on the details in this story, he would probably be the more boring, uninteresting person in the world, who talks about nothing, but how great he is.

The plot is a joke, with plot holes the size of Mount Rushmore. You could literally take years to climb the damn plot holes this thing generates and never get anywhere.

Some of the things that are mentioned are a waste of our time. The pop culture references, the unnecessary OC mentioning, the labyrinth, all a big fucking waste.

The descriptions, at some points I admit, were decent at best. But for every decent description in the story, we have 100 more that was just lazy, uninteresting and an overall bore to sit through.

This is the absolute worst human in Equestria story I have ever read. Why? Because the author didn’t care. He just threw it together. Didn’t give a shit! Didn’t care and you can’t do that when writing a story! You have to invest something! This comes especially sad because this is a self-insert! The author can’t even keep himself interesting with his own life story! That’s how boring this person really is! And if the author can’t even care about his own life, why should the audience?!

Fuck this story!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go meet with Al cohol, because that is what this story makes you want to do. Have a great day guys!

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The grand castle of Unicornicopia towered high above the city below as if it was Olympus itself, looking down upon the earth as if they were above such concerns. But the Grand Ruler was not above such concerns. For his kingdom love him as he did his kingdom. They would sing his praises of how he was a benevolent ruler and how he taught them to believe.

That was the strength of this country. This world. This dimension. Their beliefs. That was their strength and that was allowed them to overcome such dangers in the past.

But now, an even greater threat had been issued for him and his people. Nay, the entire multiverse of which he and several others called home. They were attack and humiliated by this one pony, who would dare question their reason to exist. Who’s rage has burned several who simply wished to live peaceful lives.

But he couldn’t allow it. This “Critique” had placed himself over others, like he was some intelligent messiah, who could do no wrong and could never be challenged. The Grand Ruler aimed to prove him wrong. He could be challenged. And more importantly, he could be defeated. His followers would be avenged.

“My Grand Ruler,” Lightning’s voice came from behind him. The Grand Ruler turned to him and smiled. “I am ready to accept my mission.”

The Grand Ruler nodded and made his way to his student’s side. “My faithful pupil, do not fail your country.” Lightning looked up to him with his eye widened. “Our future. All futures depend on your success.”

Lighting looked down to the ground. The Grand Ruler knew it was a lot to put on his young apprentice, but Lightning could not fail his mission. He had to know the severity of their mission and what kind of danger the Critique proved to be.

There was a moment of stillness between them, as if Lightning took a moment to consider his actions. He looked up to his master and finally nodded. “I understand. I will not fail you.”

The Grand Ruler nodded and smiled. “Then go. And remember to always believe.”

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Hey, guys. After much coercing by my computer, I have decided to give my thoughts on Amazing Spider-Man 2. This will be spoiler free so feel free to read it if you haven’t seen the movie.

Honestly, this was a very confusing movie to judge. It was very difficult for me to say whether I liked it or not. I think I liked it. I know that’s very confusing, but there is just so much that I either liked or I really didn’t like.

At first when the movie starts, I started thinking “Yeah, this is going to be an awesome Spider-Man movie” but as the movie went on, it just dragged on forever and ever. It felt so damn cluttered because there were so many things that needed to be explained or so many plots going on in the story. It was cluttered because of too much plot. Not because of the villains, there was still one central villain in the story. There was just too much damn plot that it took away from the fact that, I just wanted a good Spider-Man story told.

This movie delivered on the action. When Spider-Man is doing everything you’d expect him to do, that was really cool. It was everything that I wanted him to do. He was funny, he was serious, he was badass, he was a dork. He was everything Spider-Man should be. Andrew Garfield did such an amazing job as Peter Parker. I know some of you are probably loyal to Tobey Maguire and he definitely looks the part of Peter Parker, but he never felt like Peter to me.

And to be fair, even when Amazing Spider-Man 1 came out, I wasn’t sure how I felt about Andrew playing Spider-Man. But this movie convinced me otherwise. I felt Andrew Garfield was a great choice.

Emma Stone, once again, a great Gwen Stacy. A very great choice to play her. I loved the interaction between her and Peter. It felt like they had so much chemistry together and they interacted well and … It just felt like one of the few times in superhero movies that, the love story felt natural. It just felt real and it felt right. They had so much chemistry together and I loved that. And as the character, I fucking loved her.

Sally Field as Aunt May. I fucking love this woman! She has so much energy and is so funny and brings so much emotion into this. I fucking love this woman as Aunt May! The interactions between her and Peter are just so great and so real and I believe every second of it. They act just like an overprotective mother and a kid who wants to try and do things on his own with the added twist that he’s secretly a superhero. And the interactions between the two are so very good and I loved every second the two were on screen together.

Jamie Foxx as Electro. I’ll admit for a long time, I thought this was a terrible casting choice. But… when I saw the movie, he actually did a pretty good job. I know there’s not a lot to Electro’s character, but in the movie, it was pretty well done.

Dean Deehan as Harry Osborn. He was great. The casting was great. It was fantastic.

However, the story is where it starts to fall apart a little bit. Like I said, it dragged on and on for like more than half the movie. Everything is being explained and foreshadowed to you of what is going to happen. It’s basically all just set up for the next film. I can’t go into detail without spoiling anything and that makes this a really hard film to talk about.

If you’re a Spider-Man fan or have read any of the comics, you will kind of be able to figure out a lot of the plot points and maybe they will piss you off and maybe they won’t. But if you’re just a casual viewer, I don’t want to say you won’t enjoy it, because there is something to be enjoyed, but you will be overwhelmed because there is so much stuff they are throwing at you.

And to be honest, I … liked the movie, a little bit. There was a lot that kept me from loving it. The overabundance of plot points that are introduced, the fact that everything is exposition and that they are trying to fit everything in this 2 hour and a half movie and it can’t work that way.

But there are things that do salvage it. Spider-Man is a smartass again. Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy’s relationship is great. Peter Parker and Aunt May’s relationship was great. Andrew was great. Emma Stone was great. The action was great. There was just so much that I loved or that I hated and it just juggles between that.

So, overall… there is something to enjoy in this movie. If you are looking for an action film, you’ll probably, maybe enjoy it, a little. If you are a fan of the comics, I think there is enough fan service to get you through it and you can say “Yeah, it was a fun film.”

And honestly, it was fun and I’m glad I did see it, but it wasn’t the best Spider-Man film out there. Spider-Man 2 is still the best, which is really too bad, because I wanted this one to be the Spider-Man film of all Spider-Man films, but we still don’t have that yet.

That’s my review. Let me know what you think of Amazing Spider-Man 2. Take care. :pinkiehappy:

Unlikely Allies

Hello everypony. I am the Critique.

After the introduction of Trixie in the series, there has been a lot of speculation at what the relationship between her and Twilight would be.

Some would claim them to be future friends since they have similarities. They are both unicorns and are both passionate about magic. Some would claim they would be sworn enemies, with Trixie using her magic for fame and Twilight using her magic for more selfless reasons.  Others would claim that they would be lovers. … Wrong. Just… Wrong.

Personally, I see them more as rivals. They aren’t really friends, but they will work together if they need to. That said they don’t always get along and that can make for some interesting stories. This theory gets further merit thanks to the episode Magic Duel, in which Twilight ends up making Trixie a friend. Not a great friend, but is able to at least forgive her for the crap she does in that story.

And that’s kind of where today’s story goes. Sort of… You’ll see when we get there. Believe me, it’s a roller coaster ride. So, let’s dig into Unlikely Allies by Thunder Tempest and see if Twilight and Trixie can put aside their differences for something other than sex.

Again, if you haven’t read this story yet and you would like to, turn back now. As for the rest of you.

We start our story in Ponyville where Twilight is singing about the wonderful day that is about to happen, when suddenly she is tackled to the ground by Trixie.

Well, that sure didn’t take long. Alright, let’s get this clop fic started.

Okay, I kid, what actually happens is that Trixie arrives and ask Twilight for some help in saving Equestria. Twilight is at first suspicious, rightfully so since Trixie grabs you by your tail and drags you out of town, but Twilight eventually does agree to go with Trixie to see if they can solve whatever problem Trixie is worried about.

So Trixie and Twilight travel for… three days?! Wait, and Twilight never once asked what kind of problem they are dealing with?! Okay, Twilight says that she admits that Trixie didn’t tell her, but come on! Three days and you are just going to buy whatever Trixie says! I know it’s for the good of Equestria (so, Trixie says anyway), but I’d think after the first day, I’d be demanding some serious explanations! I guess, Twilight is just too stupid to think that.

Anyway, Trixie gives Twilight a cape and tells her to cover up her wings, so that whatever they are supposed to do will think Twilight is a unicorn instead of an alicorn. And as we will see, it makes no sense.

Twilight sends a message back to Spike at the library.

‘Gone to save Equestria with Trixie. Also gone to save Equestria from Trixie. Be back next week. Twilight Sparkle.’

Wait, how do you know it will be a week? And for that matter, wouldn’t you rather tell Celestia to follow you or give you some kind of backup? You said yourself that Trixie is not that trustworthy.

So, they make their way to some dark castle where it is revealed why they are here. Trixie explains that the castle belongs to Lord Umbra and they are here to defeat him. Why? … Yeah, that’s not really explained.

And Twilight buys this rather easily. She doesn’t even ask Trixie why she wants this Lord Umbra taken down or even what he has done to deserve it. How are we supposed to relate to Twilight choice here if we aren’t given a reason as to why she should waste her time with this?

For that matter, why should we agree with any of Twilight’s choices or Trixie’s motivations? We know nothing about either situation. Twilight doesn’t ask the questions that she should be asking, in order to find out more about what is going on. I thought Twilight prided herself on her intellect and knowledge. Why would she not ask questions referring to a situation she knows nothing about?

And what about Trixie? What’s her motivation for bringing Twilight along? Why is she after Lord Umbra? Why all the secrecy?

Neither character’s choices are relatable or make any sense.

So they make their way inside and start to bicker back and forth between each other. I can understand Trixie because she is kind of a show off, but I would think Twilight would focus on the task at hand (hoof in this case) or more importantly, why the hell she is there to begin with?!

“There are other ways of being invisible, Sparkle,” shot back Trixie.

Indeed. A magic invisible Kangaroo will do just fine.

“And I suppose you’re as familiar with them as you are, say, breaking into ponies’ houses and breaking the law?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie never technically committed a crime, Sparkle. She was simply very persuasive.”

Yeah, technically you did. As far as I know, slavery and oppression are abolished in Equestria. And even if you don’t count those, terrorism certainly is!

And don’t give me this crap about the Alicorn Amulet did some mind control. That never happened. Trixie was rotten before that. Maybe not as rotten, but certainly rotten.

“how did you even get into Celestia’s school in the first place? They don’t accept anypony with a previous criminal record.”

Wait, so Trixie had a criminal record before she met Twilight? Before she learned school magic? So she was a criminal at Twilight’s age when she started school? That she’s got a juvenile record? I got to say that’s a little hard to swallow. I mean, I know she was kind of a show off, but there was nothing to indicate that she might have done this when she was young. And look at that cute little filly.

Does that look like the face of a juvenile delinquent? … Don’t say yes.

They start to travel through the castle and they continue to bicker back and forth.

“I still think that you’re going to get us caught in...whatever this is, Trixie. You don’t even have a basic ‘Don’t Notice Me’ spell on you!”

“Trixie has done this before, Sparkle.”

“Yes, illegally,” said Twilight, and Trixie sighed.

Wait… how do you cast spells illegally? Unless, you are referring to her criminal record, that is never explained or explored upon! Unless you count the time she enslaved Ponyville, but even then where does the ‘Don’t Notice Me’ spell fit in! All she did was boast about her wanting to be noticed! You keep teasing us with her criminal record, but based on what I’m seeing, it doesn’t add up! If there is something you’ve added, explore upon it!

“At least I have previous skills that are applicable to this situation, Sparkle. Have you never had to creep into a villain’s hideout to disable his evil master plan before, brickhorn?”

“Have you?”

Yes, you have Twilight! Remember Sombra?! I know a lot of fans didn’t like him, but come on, he’s not that forgettable! God, he attacked your sister in law and your brother and you don’t even remember him! Maybe he is the worst MLP villain ever created.

Tell you what, you get more than 5 lines in two episodes and I’ll call you the best villain in all of fiction.

So we get some insight into Trixie learning about Twilight apparently growing a little more snarky and sarcastic attitude. Because I’m sure that proves important to the plot and not just a convenient way for Twilight to argue pointlessly with Trixie, instead of focusing on her task like she probably should.

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Anyway, they move through the castle and finally something happens. One of the pipes in the castle ruptures and causes a flood in the hallway. They are swept up in it and Trixie learns an important fact

‘Huh,’ she thought, ‘Who knew alicorns weigh a lot more than normal ponies?’

I hope you all caught that. That is the very important fact and is very crucial to the story. The most crucial element of the whole story. The story would fall apart without this single world changing fact.

The water pushes them outside the tower, effectively putting them right back where we started, making their whole trip inside the tower completely pointless since we still don’t know anything about Lord Umbra and know nothing about why Trixie wants to defeat him.

We only know that Lord Umbra wants to destroy/conquer Equestria for some reason that is never fully explained and that Trixie has a criminal record which is also never explained.

Wow, we are learnding lots today.

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They then get attacked by a couple of beasts. What kind of beasts you might ask?

Why this kind!

Wait, that’s not the one… How about this one?

No… No… that doesn’t seem right either… Um… Oh, I know. This one!

Yes, that is definitely the one! That is definitely it!

No, he actually does give as a description of the thing… Two paragraphs later, but that’s more effort than has actually shown up so far.

Indeed, the creatures stalking around the courtyard were a combination of lion, eagle and what looked like a wolf for a head, with red eyes that glowed like hot metal pulled form a fire, and this glow was evident all down the creature’s bodies, seemingly tracing along the surface veins, making it seem like the creatures had been glued together with magic, rather than being one single entity.

I now know Lord Umbra’s evil plan! He is making fan made Pokemon! Pokemon with three types! He won’t get away with this!

So, Twilight quickly casts an invisibility spell to conceal them, but as they make their way to sneak around the creature, Twilight’s spell conveniently dissipates for no reason.

Oh, Twilight. You stupid unicorn. You clearly have no idea how to use magic, even though you have clearly demonstrated on multiple occasions that you are one of the most powerful unicorns in all of Equestria and have mastered spells that are probably far more complex than an invisibility spell. You are such a stupid unicorn.

We then get to meet Lord Umbra, who, it turns out, is bored with Princess Celestia’s peaceful rule. Yep… That’s it. That’s the backstory of our villain. He decided to become a super villain, because he was fucking bored. He just woke up one day and said, “Here’s an idea. Me as a super villain! I’ll have an evil layer and an arch-nemesis and it’ll be so much fun!”

He is said to have research forbidden magic of Tartarus (something that we never see) and even built a Fortress of Darkness for himself that is completely impenetrable. And just how impenetrable is it? Why it is so impenetrable that two unicorns can easily make their way through it just by teleporting in!

Wait…

It should be noted at this point that Lord Umbra is a bit delusional.

Thank you for telling us that he is delusional. It’s not like you can actually show him being delusional and that actually would convince us to think, “Hmm… clearly this individual is delusional.” Nope, we just have to take your word for it.

His servant comes up to him and delivers the bad news.

“Lord Umbra,” began the pony with a stutter, “we seem to have a problem. It seems that two unicorns have managed to infiltrate the Fortress of Darkness.”

Lord Umbra: What?! You mean that they infiltrated my impenetrable fortress?! I specifically asked for the impenetrable fortress package! It was Bowser recommended!

“Minion, I need the Box of Darkness!”

Lord Umbra: You know, because I’m evil I have a Box of Darkness. And don’t forget about the Dresser of Despair that has my Alarm Clock of Death! Oh, and make sure you get Destroyer, the Malevolent Teddy Bear!

Those eyes will steal your soul!

Yeah, if you haven’t guessed by now, Umbra’s just kind of a joke villain. He’s not threatening and is incompetent and over all just kind of annoying. It wouldn’t be so bad if he was actually funny, but he’s just not all that entertaining.

He finds the two unicorns (even though Twilight is an alicorn at this point, but whatever) arguing over Starswirl the Bearded and whether or not he was a great magic weaver or some crap like that.

After his minions get beaten, he orders his servant to send Cerberus at them.

Meanwhile, Trixie and Twilight still focus on arguing rather than trying to figure out what is going on. Umbra attacks them with his powerful Cerberus and a Tatzlwurm (not that we are actually told that. I had to look up the freaking name), which Twilight and Trixie take out rather easily, making it completely underwhelming.

Then Lord Umbra casts a spell that knocks out both Twilight and Trixie in one blast. … Let me see if I got this straight… Twilight and Trixie, who just manage to wipe out an army of Chimera things, who manage to beat a Cerberus and Tatzlwurm with no challenge whatsoever… and you expect me to believe that this… Lord Umbra, whoever the fuck he is, is able to knock them both out without breaking a sweat.

Are you fucking kidding me?! There’s “Your villain is badass” and then there is “Completely contrived storytelling!”

I’m sorry, but I have a hard time buying this! You can’t just introduce a character out of nowhere, give him no backstory and then tell us that he is powerful enough to take out Twilight and Trixie with no rhyme or reason! Especially if it is forced like in this story! Yes, he’s studied Tartarus magic, but Twilight has studied Starswirl the Bearded’s spells! Hell, she made her own spell! How did this guy take her out without breaking a sweat?!

Anyway, they wake up in captivity and Lord Umbra places a magic suppressor around Twilight and Trixie’s horn, making their magic completely useless.

However, we soon discover that because Twilight is an alicorn, she can still use her magic, because the magic suppressor is only useful against unicorns.

Now, some of you might think that this is INCREDIBLY contrived and that it doesn’t make a lick of sense, since I don’t think transforming somepony into an alicorn completely changes their magical structure. And some of you might think that this is an incredibly forced way to get them out of this situation instead of actually using their brains to get out of this mess and therefore not being all that dramatic but actually really anti-climatic

And some of you might think that, it was incredibly FORCED that Trixie gave Twilight a cape, not knowing that Lord Umbra would have magical suppressors that only worked on unicorns and not alicorns and since the cape proved to be absolutely useless except up to this point, in which it was EXTREMELY convenient that Twilight had it and that Umbra didn’t look underneath the cape at any point while he was moving them to his prison cell and that the wings under no circumstances were exposed in anyway while Twilight was unconscious.

And… you’d be right on the money.

Twilight tries to remove Trixie’s magical suppressor, but it turns out it can only be removed by the pony who put it there. That’s not forced at all! So, Trixie digs into her hat and pulls out a couple of lock picks to get themselves out of the situation, even though Twilight could easily break them out of the chains with her magic.

And here is the number 1 problem with this story. This story is all just one big love letter to Trixie. Trixie is smart! Trixie is great! Trixie is the best! All bow down to Trixie! Everything about this story is to make Trixie look good! And it does that by making Twilight Sparkle look incompetent!

Twilight isn’t the one who discovers Umbra. That’s Trixie. Twilight isn’t the one who finds her way into Umbra’s lair. That’s Trixie. Twilight’s spell fails when it is convenient for the enemy. Not Trixie’s. Twilight isn’t the one who gets them out of the chains, even though Twilight could easily get them out. It’s Trixie! It’s not Trixie admitting that Twilight is helpful. It’s Twilight admitting that Trixie is better than her!

You kind of see the problem with this story?! God, this is twice in a row that we’ve had love letters to Trixie! I know she’s a popular character, but Jesus Christ people!

Anyway, the escape the chains and make their way deeper into the lair of Lord Umbra, so they can force him to free Trixie, so she can save the day. Oh, I’m sorry. The Great and Powerful Trixie!

They make their way to his room where they find Minion.

Yeah, that really limits the job choices for that kid, doesn’t it? Seriously, who names their kid Minion? Are you just asking them to join up with an evil mastermind?!

Minion tells them that he no longer works for Lord Umbra… for vaguely explained reasons… and manages to release the locks off of Twilight… Oh I’m sorry, The Weak and Stupid Twilight Sparkle and the Great and Powerful Trixie.

We cut to Lord Umbra who is going over his goals of taking over Equestria.

“Maybe that everypony should only eat asparagus for lunch? Or perhaps that each town must have a temple to me? So many choices,” muttered the unicorn to himself, “Or maybe both? Or maybe a temple to asparagus...yes. They can eat asparagus and proclaim their love for me, their Overlord.”

And every Friday shall be funny hat day! I’m so evil!

But he is interrupted by a pair of voices coming from the hallway, arguing about how the Weak and Stupid Twilight Sparkle got her wings. Apparently, the Great and Powerful Trixie and the Weak and Stupid Twilight Sparkle are Total Fucking Morons!

They burst into the room and find out that Lord Umbra is readying his plan to take over Equestria and they start laughing after it is revealed that Umbra is suffering from Napoleon Complex.

“This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. He’s more pathetic than you were, Trixie!” said Twilight, once she could speak again.

Oh, that is so like Twilight Sparkle. Insulting others who are weaker than her. You are so in character there, Twilight.

Say, you know what else is in character for her? Making fun of Fluttershy! Yeah, because clearly Twilight cares nothing for Fluttershy!

I mean Twilight would totally say how useless and weak and helpless and stupid Fluttershy is!

Hey, how about we have Twilight make fun of Applejack next?! That’s completely in her character!

Yeah, Twilight doesn’t give a fuck about Applejack. After all, Applejack’s just a stupid apple pony, right? And Twilight surely knows that! Hell, I’m surprised Twilight hasn’t kicked her out of the friendship ring yet!

Hey, you know what else would be totally in character with Twilight?! Making fun of Spike, of course!

I mean, pfft, they are ONLY an inseparable team! Twilight has ONLY raised him from birth! Spike has ONLY show his loyalty by risking his life by going to a world with only humans and a chance that he’ll never come home again. But… other than that, yeah, Spike isn’t worth shit…

Have I made my point yet?

Anyway, they attack Lord Umbra and manage to defeat him. Again, I ask how did Umbra beat them the first time?!

They take Umbra to Canterlot with the two bickering that if Trixie was an alicorn that Trixie would win and that Twilight is cheating and Trixie is so much better than Twilight, because she is Great and Powerful and Blah, fucking blah!

This story sucks! It’s certainly better than some others I’ve reviewed, but dear lord is it littered with problems.

The descriptions are weak at best. The fight scenes are decent, but everything else leaves something to be desired. We never get to see what the castle looks like, even though we spend the whole fucking story inside it!

The plot is completely contrived to make Trixie look good, even though it makes no sense! For example, how in the world did Trixie know about Umbra’s plan to rule Equestria, when nopony else knew about it and Trixie never explained how or why she knew about it?!

Why the hell did Trixie go to Twilight if she was more than capable of stopping his plan on her own?! Did she try and fail?! If so, that’s never explained!

Why did Trixie give Twilight a cape to disguise her as a unicorn?! That’s never made relevant until they are actually captured! And there is no way that Trixie could have known that Umbra not only possessed such magic suppression devices, but that they would only work on unicorns!

Why did Twilight wait so damn long to ask Trixie about Umbra and how she knew anything about it?!

What the hell was Umbra’s plan to take over Equestria?! We know he had one, but what did it involve?! What goals did he have?! How was he going to accomplish those goals?! How did he learn magic from Tartarus?! How did he get creatures from Tartarus to follow him?! Why was Minion working for him?! How did he get a castle for himself?! What the hell was in the Box of Darkness that made it so important?!

And worst of all, Twilight acts nothing like herself in the entire story! He changed Twilight from her kind self into this overly-competitive bitch! I could maybe see Rainbow Dash acting like this, but Twilight? Come fucking on! This story is a mess and I couldn’t find any enjoyment in it! It’s trying to be funny, but overall, it just doesn’t work because it is undermined by the author caring more about kissing Trixie’s ass than telling a good story. Have a great day guys.

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A knock came at the door. The Critique sighed as he rose from his spot on the ground. “The library is closed!” he shouted.

The knock came at the door again, as if insisting on him answering. The Critique rolled his eyes and made his way to the door. Jesus Christ, can’t a stallion get some peace and quiet around here?! He placed his hoof on the door and slowly opened it.

“I said the library is-!”

As soon as the door slid open, a white hoof collided with his face sending him stumbling to the ground. His jaw tingled as he hit the ground. He held his jaw as he turned his body around, looking up to his assailant. His blurred vision could make out a figure standing on two legs with a large golden horn at the top of his head.

The figure took a step towards him. “You are the Critique?”

The Critique shook his head, clearing his vision. He noticed that the figure in front of him was a pony, but it was standing on two legs. He had wings at his back, like an alicorn.

“What the hell?!” Critique shouted, rising to his feet. “What do you want?! Who the hell are you?!”

The figure tilted his head slightly upward. “I am Unicornicopia citizen AO01. My name is Lightning Dawn.” He pointed his hoof at the Critique. “And I have come to end your reign of terror.”

Critique took a step back. “What the hell are you talking about?!”

A voice came from the ceiling. “Sir, I am activating defensive measures.”

Critique glanced up at the ceiling with a smirk. “Relax, Computer. I’ve got this.”

“Sir-“

Critique glared at his opponent. “I said I got this.” Lightning took a step towards Critique and swung his hoof at his face. Critique ducked out of its path. Critique quickly countered with a swing of his hoof into Lightning’s chin.

Lightning simply replied by swing another blow at Critique, hitting him in the chin. Critique nearly toppled over, but was stopped by Lightning’s hooves as they grabbed his face. With a swift strike, Lightning drove his knee into the Critique’s chin.

Critique could feel a cold liquid come from his gums as his chin felt as if a mountain had rammed into it. It tingled his tongue as the taste of blood began to fill his mouth.  Before his body could react, he felt another hoof hit his chin, sending him straight to the ground.

His blurred vision was made worst by the sudden disappearance of his glasses. He traveled his mind, trying to discover at what point he lost them. However, he came up with no answers. Instead, he abandoned them and focused on his opponent who was sneaking up behind him.

With a sudden burst of speed, Critique delivered a swift buck to Lightning’s chest, causing him to stumble backwards.

As his opponent picked himself back up, Critique took the moment to glance around the floor, hoping to spot his glasses. The wooden planks on the floor looked as if they were merging together, with no clarity to them, almost like looking through a dirty window. Within a second, he found a pair of black oval objects strung together by what looked like black wiring.

He placed his hoof on the glasses. Before he could place them on his face, he looked up to see Lightning standing over him, his hoof preparing to attack.

However, just as Lightning’s hoof started to come down, a long gray arm appeared from the wall catching Lightning’s arm. Lightning struggled against his grunting as he pulled forward. Another arm appeared from the wall catching another one of Lightning’s limbs. Two more appeared from the wall, gripping Lightning’s legs.

He struggled against the mechanical arms as Critique placed his glasses over his eyes once more, clearing his vision. “I was handling it!” he shouted.

“Clearly,” Computer responded. “That’s why you are bleeding all over my nice, clean floor.”

Critique wiped the blood away from his lips and looked down to the ground to see spots of blood on the floor. He raised his eyebrow as he stood up to his feet. Critique gave a confident smile as a chuckle. “Not so tough when you’re restrained, huh?”

Lightning struggled against the mechanical arms, grunting violently with each jerky motion. Finally, he gave a deep breath as his horn started to glow. He let out a cry as the horn released a powerful wave of energy.

Critique’s eyes widened as he watched the mechanical arms shatter at the amount of force. The wave flew into the Critique’s body, sending him soaring across the room and into one of the bookshelves. He toppled to the ground as several books fell on top of him, burying him.

His body tingled as he attempted to move. Every movement he made felt as if a knife was being dug into his body. Every breath he took made it feel worse. He pulled himself out of the pile of books, looking up at his opponent. “What the hell was that?!”

“Unknown, sir,” Computer replied. “A powerful magical force coming from his horn. Very potent magic.”

Critique looked up to the ceiling, raising his eyebrow. “No shit.”

Lightning took a step forward. “You don’t stand a chance against the power of the Uniforce.”

Critique slowly picked himself up off the ground, taking in a deep breath. “What the hell do you want from me?”

Lightning flapped his wings and took to the air above Critique. “I have come to end your threat against my people.”

Critique shook his head. “Threat against your people?” He flailed his forelegs up to the air. “Dude, I don’t even know you!”

Lightning dove for the Critique with incredibly speed. Critique dove forward, avoiding Lightning’s attack. Critique lifted a book from the floor and tossed it at Lightning. Lightning blocked the oncoming book with his wing, covering his body.

Critique ran to the kitchen. “Computer, shut down all lights!”

With that, the lights in the library were shut down, leaving only darkened shapes. He made his way under the table at the center of the kitchen. “Computer, call the police! Tell them I’ve got a psychopath trying to kill me!”

“I’ve been trying, sir,” Computer replied.

Critique’s mouth dropped as his eyes widened. “What do you mean ‘you’ve been trying’?”

“Something is preventing me from sending any messages out of the building. Our signal is being jammed.”

Critique grunted in frustration as he heard hoof steps clicking against the wooden floor. “Hiding in the dark like a coward?” Lightning’s voice pierced through the darkness.

Critique curled up in a ball under the table, waiting for Lightning to unwittingly pass him. A hoof step was heard approaching him. Followed by another. Then another. Finally, the sound was only a few feet ahead of him. He could feel his heart racing inside his chest, thundering like a drum going 100 miles per hour.

The steps continued pass the table as if he didn’t suspect. Critique snuck out from under the table, carefully monitoring his movements, making sure that he didn’t make a sound. He felt around the floor, hoping that he would soon come upon the cabinets just across from him. He scurried quietly across the floor until he finally reached the cabinets.

He quietly opened them, feeling around inside for anything he might be able to use. He felt around, praying for a weapon. After a few seconds, he found something. A handle that curved out and straightened into a long point. He smiled as his mind came up with his plan to win this fight.

“Computer, turn on the lights!” Critique yelled as he rose to his feet, pulling out his weapon.

The lights flashed on as Critique pointed his ‘weapon’ at Lightning. The Critique’s sinister smile transformed into a disappointed frown as he pulled the trigger on the device he held in his hooves. Instead of spraying bullets, it spun the mixer whisks as if it was mixing invisible pancake batter.

There was a deafening silence as Lightning raised his eyebrow in confusion. Critique simply stood, his mind still comprehending what had happened. He blinked for several seconds. Then with all his might, he tossed the mixer at Lightning.

Lightning quickly blocked the mixer with his wing. Critique darted to the other room while his opponent was distracted.

But it was only for a moment.

Lightning appeared from the kitchen, cornering Critique back in the library. “I’ve had enough of these games!” Lightning revealed a small rod with the colors of the rainbow scattered throughout it. “Magic of the Rainbow, my faith burns bright! To vanquish the evil, in rainbow’s light!”

He pointed the rod at the Critique. “RAINBOW FORCE!” his voice echoed as if to be overdramatic anime style.

A beam of multicolored lights emerged from the rod, flying straight towards Critique. He raised his foreleg to his forehead and closed his eyes tightly. His mind raced as he could feel the beam brush against his body. A thundering noise came to his ears, like a sonic boom right at his eardrums. I’m dead! This is it! I’m dead!

He waited a few moments as the sound died down and the beam began to dissipate from his body. He opened his eyes to see his foreleg still in front of him. He looked down to his body and noted that his other foreleg was still attached. He checked behind him to see his hind legs still attached. A gleeful expression burst across his face. “I’m alive!” he shouted. “I’m alive!” He then frowned as he raised his eyebrow. “How am I alive?”

Lightning looked down to his rod, his mouth wide open. “How is this possible? The Rainbow Rod has to power to destroy any evil being?!”

Critique smiled and pointed at Lightning. “Ha, ha!”

Lightning glared at Critique as his horn started to glow. He tilted his head downward and fired a beam of light at Critique.

Critique yelped and ducked out of the beams path. The beam caused an explosion at it hit the wall behind him. Critique looked behind him to see a hole in the wall of the building. His heart started to sink as his thought of what that would do to his body if it hit him directly. His imagination pictured his head simply vanishing from his neck, as if it was never there to begin with. Sweat began to perspire from his face as he quickly dove for the other side of the room.

He shouted. “Computer, shut down the lights!”

Again, darkness concealed his movements as he entered another room. He waited until he heard the coming hoofsteps of Lightning. “You think you can hide from me?!”

Just as Critique predicted, Lightning marched up to the last place he saw him. Lightning entered the doorway and slowly approached the interior of the room. Critique clung close to the wall, trying to take a little space as possible in the tiny room. Critique felt Lightning slowly trot past him. With that, Critique made his move and dove out of the room with as much speed as he could muster.

“Hey!” Lightning shouted as he heard the Critique behind him. Critique quickly placed his hooves on the door and slammed it shut, locking it with Lightning still inside the small room. “Let me out!” Lightning cried as he tackled the door.

Critique wiped his brow and smiled. “Problem solved.”

“Sir, you locked him in a closet.”

Critique smiled and made his way to a small device on the ground. “Relax, Computer. I have the situation all under control.”

He flipped the device over and switched it on as a list of numbers appeared on the screen. He pressed the number 911 and held it up to his ear, but all he could hear was a long steady tone. “Damn, still nothing.”

“I did tell you, sir. Do you only listen to some of the things I say?” Critique heard a pounding on the door, assuming that Lightning was still assaulting the door. “Such as; that door will not hold him.”

Critique scoffed. “Relax, Computer, nothing is going to-“

“UNIFORCE!” Lightning’s voice echoed from behind the door.

Critique’s heart dropped into his chest as his eyes widened. “Shit!” He dove for the ground, putting his body as low on the ground as possible. The door and the wall connected to it burst forward as a bright light shined into the room. The rubble flew past Critique at a high speed, hitting the ground with powerful thuds.

Critique’s body shook as he slowly turned around as he watched the shape of Lightning march through the doorway. He quickly picked himself up off the ground as he made a mad dash for the other side of the room. However, as he moved, the floor squeaked beneath him, giving away his position. He heard the sound of Lightning announcing his attack as a bright beam entered the room.

Critique leaped forward as far as his legs would allow him, hoping to avoid the blast. The blast hit the floor just behind him. However, the floor began to crumble around the blast sight, causing the floor beneath and in front of him give way. He felt gravity grab his body and pull him straight down until his chest rammed into a solid floor beneath him.

His chest flared as he slowly moved to his feet, groaning in misery as he moved. “What the hell happened?” he whispered.

A barely audible sound then came from his phone as it started to glow. “You are in the basement , sir.”

Critique reached for his phone and picked it up. He raised his eyebrow. “We have a basement?”

“I am as surprised as you are, sir,” Computer’s voice came from the phone. “It is not any blueprint I have of the building.”

A booming sound was heard from upstairs as the word ‘Uniforce’ was repeated. Critique rolled his eyes as the word echoed in the room.

“Sir, if this keeps up, the building will no doubt collapse.”

Critique scoffed. “Computer, the building collapsing is the least of my-.“ He paused. He then put his hoof to his chin and shut his mouth. He tapped on it for a moment and smiled. “I have an idea.”

As if sensing his thoughts, the Computer spoke, “You realize that is an incredibly dangerous plan?”

He looked down to his phone. “If you have a better plan, I’m open to suggestions.”

There was silence. Critique shut the light off from his phone and held it tight in his hooves. “Then keep me posted on the structural integrity of the library.”

He started to climb the rubble pilling up to the main floor, hoping that his hooves wouldn’t be cut by anything sharp as he fiddled his way in the darkness. He crawled up stack, carefully monitoring his movements. He reached a solid platform, which he assumed was the floor and crawled his way to all fours.

He took a deep breath as he slowly backed away from the hole, hoping to get his bearings. He felt the floor around him, but was still unable to tell what part of the room he was facing. He shook his head as a thought came into his mind to give him a brief glance into the room. Yeah, but then I’ll give away my position. And without knowing where he is, I could be in big trouble.

He scanned his mind for any alternative move, but none came. Finally, he gave in to the risk. He pointed his phone forward and allowed the light to shine. It quickly revealed that he was in the northern part of the room. A part he was very familiar with. However, he heard the sound of his opponent’s voice fill the air.

“There you are!”

Critique turned upward to see Lightning hovering over him, his horn glowing with the same menacing glow. “UNIFORCE!”

Critique quickly shut off his phone as he dove forward, avoiding the blast. The shockwave sent him soaring to the other side of the room, straight into the wall. He slid straight to the floor with a thud. He slowly picked himself up, taking a moment to breathe in deeply. He ignored the pain flaring in his chest as he took in each breath. Come on, Critique. Stay conscious.

He got back on his feet and shook his head, trying to rid himself of the dizziness that plagued him. He felt his knees wobble as he struggled to stay upright.

He then heard the sound of Lightning tapping against the wooden floor. “Where are you?” he cried out.

Critique smiled as he looked in the direction of the voice. “Hey, Lightning Dumb! Over here!”

“Don’t call me that!” Lightning’s voice called out. “UNIFORCE!”

The same energy beam launched at Critique, but this time he was ready. He rushed to his left with as much speed as his legs could give him. However, he overestimated himself, being caught in the shockwave. It sent him soaring several feet forward. Damn legs. Got to move faster.

He shook his head, trying to cure the stinging at the base of his skull. He slithered across the floor, desperately focusing all his efforts on keeping quiet. He crawled across the floor until he reached what he felt was another wall. He slowly started to rise to his feet, his knees shaking as if there was an earthquake inside them. When he was on his feet, he mentally prepared himself to make a mad dash for his left.

“Do you always have to shout out your attacks before you attack?! What are you?!Sailor Moon?! All you need is the skirt!”

Critique only had to wait a second for Lightning to speak. “UNIFORCE!” With those words, Critique used every ounce of strength in his legs to dive for the safety of the south wall.

The beam caused another explosion. Critique felt confident as he ran, feeling that he escaped the shockwave. However, one of his legs gave way and caused him to topple to the ground. The shockwave then picked him up and tossed him against the far bookshelf on the south side. Critique felt several books fall on top of him, causing misery to his already beaten body.

Shit! he cried to himself as a sharp jolt of pain flared from his hind leg. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get another run from that leg. He growled under his breath as he slowly put pressure on his legs. He started with his front legs, they wobbled, but the pain was bearable. He attempted the first hind leg. Like the front legs, it was uneasy to stand on, but he could stand. And finally his last hind leg. As soon as he placed pressure on it, he collapsed to the ground.

“Sir, the building is close to collapsing. Another blast should do it,” Computer relayed.

His mind played the scenario in his head. As soon as Lightning fired, he wouldn’t be able to get out of the way and would be fried. Or he would get out of the way, but wouldn’t make it out of the library in time.

The overwhelming feeling of despair crawled into his heart. Maybe if I can… just surrender… Maybe… Maybe he’ll let me live.

He placed his head on the ground, a tear coming down his face. Maybe I can cut a deal with him…

His mind then conjured another thought. If I surrender, he’ll kill me anyway…

He placed his front legs on the ground firmly and rose up as slowly as he could. Might as well take him with me.

“You know! You’re a pathetic little pony!” Critique shouted.

Even though he couldn’t see Lightning’s reaction, his words spoke of his glaring face. “I’m not a pony! I’m a unicorn!”

Critique gave a slight smirk as he dove forward with as much force as his good legs could give him.

“UNIFORCE!”

Critique briefly saw a shining light come from directly in front of him. He briefly saw Lightning’s face as his horn started to glow. Critique looked directly below him and saw the gap to the basement directly below him. He closed his eyes, praying to Celestia he made it. He felt gravity pull his body down and felt a sharp pain come at his chest as a thundering boom passed overhead.

A loud crash exploded in the room above. A crackling of wood echoed above Critique followed by the snapping of wood, finishing with Lightning’s scream.

With a few seconds passing of the three terrifying sounds crashing against one another, there was suddenly silence. Critique opened his eyes and looked around. He could scarcely see, but he believed himself to be in the basement. He looked down to his phone. “Computer,” he whispered.

“The structural integrity of the building has failed. Our enemy was inside the library when it collapsed.”

Critique gave a deep sigh of relief as he laid his head against the ground. “Call the police, please.”

“Already done. They are on their way now,” Computer replied.

Critique smiled. “Computer, make a note. We are getting a gun."

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Lightning was defeated. He could scarcely believe his eyes. His apprentice, the one he could trust to perform any task, was defeated by a mere pony. His eyes narrowed as he watched the Equestrian Princess of the Night arrived, taking custody of his soldier. No doubt to interrogate him on what he knows.

But he knew his soldier would not talk. He was certain of it.

"Looks like your apprentice didn't do so hot?" Thunder taunted as he entered the room.

The Grand Ruler closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Clearly, I overestimated my soldier's ability to believe." He turned to Thunder and frowned. "Just as I underestimated that pony's intellect."

He looked back at the screen. "Something I will not repeat."

Thunder gave a grin. "And that's why you're sending me, isn't it?" His eyes started to glow as electricity flowed from his hooves and throughout his body.

The Grand Ruler nodded. "Take your time with this one. I will not repeat my mistakes. Remember to believe."

Thunder scoffed. "Relax, I can handle this amateur." He made his way to the exit. "When I'm done with him, he'll be nothing a charred skin and a memory."

The Grand Ruler smiled as Thunder's hoof steps started to disappear into the hallway, feeling Thunder's confidence. If Thunder's confidence was any sign, than he had nothing to worry about. Thunder would finish what his apprentice started.

WonderFall

Warning: This review contains course language and sexual scenarios. Viewer discretion is advised.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

For those of you who missed last week, a psychopath basically tried to kill me. Currently, he’s being held by Canterlot’s finest, so I guess that’s a bonus. However, we had the destruction of my library also. So, currently, I am at a local college posting my review there.

Fortunately, Computer and Celestia both tell me that the new library should be up and functional next week, but until then I have to move in with my parents. … Yeah, not looking forward to that.

On top of that, the Mayor of Ponyville is blaming me for the damages to the library, even though I tried to explain to him that a psycho tried to kill me. But of course, since he hates me for some unexplained reason, he will not listen to anything I say.

Oh, and since the terrorist attacked me in my home, Computer has been forced to reside in my phone until the new library has been rebuilt. As for the mysterious basement that we found, we haven’t really gotten around to investigating it. But based on preliminary scans, it’s just a hidden room with nothing in it. Why somepony would have such a thing is beyond me? Hopefully, we’ll turn up something and if not we can always use it for storage.

Once the library is back up and running, I’ll most likely be spending the rest of my life working there, since I am being held responsible for the damages.

My life sucks.

And could it possibly get any worse?

Are you ready for your story for today, sir?

No. What is it?

Wonderfall by The Mystery Fluttershy Fan.

Youtube Video

Already from the short description of the story, this one is not doing me any favors to my sanity. I’ll let the description speak for itself.

Fluttershy needs to heal her wings and since I can't expose her existence to any other human, I have to self medicate her, her medication?.... Being completely bound until she heals. I then try something for the first time. Watersports....

But not ordinary typical making her drink my pee or bathing her in it, no she had an idea I'd never even considered. I complied and it was one hell of an intense night,

Oh god. It’s one of THOSE stories…

Bear in mind… I haven’t even started the story yet and I am shitting bricks, guys. I am literally shitting bricks! … Well, let’s jump into WonderFall and get this over with.

So, the story starts off with our main character bringing Fluttershy into his home. This is the exact reverse of a Human in Equestria story, but it will probably not be anything better.

"It's good to be back Master". I follow her in and close the door behind us.

Oh, dear lord. I can’t tell if the character’s name is Master or that is just a title that Fluttershy is giving him. Either way, that’s pretty messed up. Is Fluttershy his slave or something?

If so, she’s pretty damn okay with it. I would say, uncharacteristically so, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

I sit in my computer chair and I start to browse some of my favourite websites to see what I've missed.

“I hope everyone really likes this new story I’m writing. It’s called My Little Unicorn! I think people will really enjoy it! It’s way better than Friendship is Magic.”

So he starts boasting about how he has his own personal Fluttershy to do all his bidding, including pleasuring him and his friends, who have an orgy with her.

One, Ewww…

Two, you’re an idiot!

Three, How the does Fluttershy get into the human world anyway? Seriously, it’s never explained! It is never explored upon and it never even hinted at! Do ponies just come out of the T.V show and go to the human world whenever they want? That’s really stupid!

I know there are not many original ways for ponies to get to the human world, or humans to Equestria, but you really think that no explanation is a good explanation?

I just casually browsed my Tumbler, which contained a lot of pony porn, very regularly featuring the pink maned, yellow coated filly sitting on my lap. I did feel a bit uncomfortable about her seeing it after a while and decided to just go to the more innocent pony discussion on Facebook. I could feel my trousers become tight as my penis became aroused by the warmth on top of it.

Oh, so you’re a horny bastard with no redeemable qualities about you whatsoever? I’m so glad you’re the main character in this story! I would hate to have a character with “Moral standards” or “a sense of right and wrong”! That would just be stupid!

Oh, and let’s not forget about Fluttershy. After all, I’m sure you watching pictures of your friends sexing up her and her friends would not get any kind of reaction from her at all. After all, that’s normal right? You and your friends showing off images of your naked girlfriends to one another? That’s perfectly legit, right?! Any girlfriend would allow that, right?!

I mean, it’s not like it’s perverted and violates their right to… Oh, wait… IT DOES, YOU ASSHAT!

I mean, seriously?! This is acceptable behavior to you?!

What? Is Fluttershy so low on the level of intelligence that she doesn’t even have basic rights?! My god, it’s called ‘humanity’. You should probably get some!

Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the perverted standards here. It’s okay for you and your friends to rape her together, but it’s not okay for you to look up pony porn while she’s sitting in the same room?

"You really are a dream come true Fluttershy, I love you" I say sweetly as I nibble the tip of her pointy ear affectionately.

“And, by ‘I love you’, that means I in no way respect you as an intelligent creature, but a sex object that I can push any scenario I want to without repercussions because you are just a tool for my sexual fantasies. “

:fluttershysad: That… doesn’t sound like love…

“Do I need to invite my friends over for another threesome?”

:fluttercry: I don’t like this very much…

So, apparently we get some backstory on Fluttershy first arriving in the human world (which really ends up with him saying, “She magically appeared”) and get a load of this fucking bullshit.

I was the one who broke her wings... I raped her... painfully.

Yes, but it was mostly painful for the audience.

Despite all that though, she was staying with me since I promised her freedom. I felt guilty and I let her go, but I begged her not to leave the house and reveal her existence to the general human population.

Wait a minute, you say you want to release her, but then you beg her not to go? What the hell is wrong with you?! God, you change your mind more than a Mary Sue changes eye colors!

She must have enjoyed what I did to her on some instinctual level, because now she wanted sex all the time and ever since then we had done it a lot and consensually.

Well, pfft, of fucking course! I mean, he only RAPED her, broke her wing and held her against her will while she apparently is so broken up that she has to be tied up to heal properly (we’ll get to that in a fucking minute).

And, of course, as ANYONE who has ever been raped will tell you, it’s super easy to forgive the person responsible because deep down, you enjoyed it! You fucking enjoyed it!

Yeah, it’s just like having a family member you deeply care about being murdered, but forgive the murderer super easily because deep down you know that you thought it was enjoyable!

Or like when you watch your kid get hit by a drunk driver, but you forgive the drunk driver super easily because deep down you thought it was hilarious!

So, the character starts to fiddle with Fluttershy’s wing to find out how badly damaged it is, because I’m sure pulling violently on it will help! He’s says the wing is badly damage and that he needs to push the bones back in their proper place to heal and that it is going to hurt.

"Oh okay... Go ahead then, I know you like it when I am in pain and stuff, so I won't hold back on the noise". She says.

Oh, good. He’s abusive, a rapist, and a psychotic! Clearly the definition of manly right here, people! And of course, Fluttershy is not objective at all, because she clearly doesn’t have a brain or any rights for herself as she is just a sex object. That makes it convenient for anything you want to do. I’m so glad you sucked out Fluttershy’s brain so that you could make her your stupid sexual puppet.

So, he starts to have violent sex with her as he probes her wings. … Lord, I feel like I need a shower after that sentence… And then proceeds to… You know what, every time I am forced to read a sex scene with Fluttershy, I am going to put a sad image of Fluttershy crying. That way, each and every one of you will be able to feel my pain, without being tormented by the horrible images that I now have stuck in my mind…

Youtube Video

"It says here I need to bind your wings, so that you can't move them, even accidently, it suggests I bind you up completely". I explain as a grin appears on my face.

… … Are you fucking kidding me?!

Okay, One: This same injury happened to Rainbow Dash in the Episode where we are first introduced to Daring Doo!

Yeah, as you can see, Rainbow Dash, clearly needs to be bound for her entire body, even though it is only her freaking wing that needs healing!

Two, if you are using a bird care website, it is not recommended that you completely bind the bird! You tend to the wing that is injured, but leave the other one alone, so that is doesn’t lose muscle function!

Three, don’t tell me that this story was written before Read it and Weep! That’s bullshit! The episode appeared on February 4, 2012. This story was written an entire year later!

So the only, ONLY reason he is tying her up, is because he is a sick twisted bastard who only wants to tie her up so he can have perverted bondage sex with her! Go to hell, whatever the fuck your name is!

So, he ties her up and throws her in a dungeon and here I am praying that Spike comes in with his bulky body and kills this guy. Also, where the hell did he get the money for a dungeon?! What is this guy?! Bowser from Super Mario Brothers or something?!

"Yes... Its fine." She sighs. "I'm only doing this because you've been really nice, and for my wings otherwise I'd never go back down here...".

Oh, yes. This guy is just soooo likeable! A rapist! A psychotic! A pervert! A sadist! He’s truly the hero of this story! I’m so glad that Fluttershy found and trusts this USELESS PIECE OF MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!

Also, does being nice include having you perform a foursome with his equally perverted friend (assuming of course this person actually has friends) and making you watch pony porn of yourself and your friends? I didn’t know that was on the same level of compassion as saving someone’s life or nursing them back to health.

And don’t give me this bullshit about him nursing you back to health. It should be clear by now that he doesn’t have your best interest at heart! I was joking about the Fluttershy’s brain being sucked out of her body, but now that’s the only explanation I can come up with for the reason she is acting so stupid!

"That's a good slave" I grin as I secure her starting with her ankles.

She frowns as she is called slave, fearing you're going back to how you were. "Um... My name is Fluttershy, remember? I don't like Slave..."

"But... you've been calling me master" I say as I secure her knees quickly.

"It was to make you happy, Master... Its just... I don't like you calling me slave, it feels like back when you first trapped me down here... and that was horrible, for me at least..."

Then why the fuck are you letting him do this to you?! I know Fluttershy wasn’t the most assertive character in the show, but come fucking on, people!

Maybe this is why Fluttershy is always put into these situations! The author thinks she is so submissive that she will do absolutely anything that they want her to! Bull-fucking-shit!

Fluttershy has demonstrated, several times, that she is capable of asserting herself! But what do I expect from a horny asshole?!

So, “the master” , Oh fuck it, I’m renaming him “Horned Toad”, because he is as disgusting as a toad and all he is interested in is sex. That does not for a good character make!

Mr. Toad finishes tying up Fluttershy and says that after three weeks, he will allow Fluttershy to do the same to him. I have no idea why Fluttershy would want to after spending one day with this sex craved idiot, but then again, I didn’t have the author suck out my brain before writing me!

And then… Cue Sad Fluttershy video…

Youtube Video

So, yeah, the next 2000 words is just him describing how he loves to rape Fluttershy and how he can make Fluttershy do all these things for him and how Fluttershy, even though she clearly established that she doesn’t like being called a slave, loves being called a slave!

Yeah, very consistent writing, asshole!

And it’s like this through most of the story, with very little else happening. And it ends up making this story completely boring! Seriously?! There is no plot! There is no struggle! There is nothing to risk or to lose here! It’s just … this asshole raping Fluttershy the entire story! There is nothing here of value or anything worth reading!

So, he goes watersports on her and if you don’t know what that is… Be glad you don’t. I know what it is… And I wish to God that I didn’t.

DON’T YOU DARE LOOK IT UP ON GOOGLE!

So, after that our story finally ends with… I need another sad Fluttershy video…

Youtube Video

Do I even have to say anything?

I mean, my god! Forget the bad spelling and grammar on this hunk of shit! This story is the worst story I’ve ever read! Period!

It is offensive! It’s insulting to anyone with more than 4 brain cells! And it incomprehensibly stupid! The story? Nonexistent! The characters? They have no dimension to them! The plot? Nothing! The explanations? Forget it!

Everything about this story, all takes a backseat to the utterly disgusting and horribly drawn out, Fluttershy-rape!

I cried at the end of this story! Not because I actually felt something for the story, but because I felt ashamed! I felt ashamed that I read this story! I felt ashamed that I was a part of this story! I feel ashamed right now promoting the fact that THIS poor piece of utter shit exists!

And to do this to a character who is so fucking innocent and so loving and so caring, just makes me absolutely sick! I am disgusted at myself for reading it! I am disgusted at the author for writing it! And I am disgusted at any reader who enjoyed this garbage when other more talented authors keep getting ignored!

I have never read a story that made me feel completely unclean! This is it, people! I have read some bullshit in my life! But THIS… This… Poorly written, half-ass, offensive, obscene, uninteresting, crude, unpleasant, disgusting, cheap, tedious, nasty, repulsive, revolting, boring story is the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life!

And that is what I have to say about the good things about it!

I’ll let your imaginations come up with what I have to say about the bad things!

Have a great day guys!

– Most likely where the inspiration for this fic came from. Would make sense, wouldn’t it?

Applejack's Love Poison Dilemma

He slunk out of the carriage with a glare at the new library that stood before him. It was exactly the same as the old one. Well, not exactly. He had been told about the new staircase that was built to lead directly to the new basement they had recently discovered. He sighed as he grabbed his suitcases from his the back of the carriage. He dragged them out and one of them plopped out onto the floor, shooting open, sending his collection of various toys, electronic devices and collector cards all across the ground.

He growled under his breath and grumbled a vulgar word. As he started to gather his things, the carriage puller came to his side and spoke, as he held out his hoof. “Our fee?”

The green earth pony rolled his eyes as he placed his various stuff into his suitcase and shut it tightly. He dug through his other suitcase and pulled out a small bag. He opened the bag, mentally counting the contents. He frowned as his ears drooped down. He gave the bag to the carriage puller, who smiled and nodded, much to the dismay of the green earth pony.

The carriage puller made his way back to the front of his carriage. “Have a pleasant day.”

The green earth pony mockingly mimicked the carriage puller as he picked up his luggage from the ground. Why am I in a really bad mood today?

He scoffed as that thought entered his head. I know exactly why. My parents.

He dragged his luggage across the ground, not even bothering to lift them. He made his way to the doorway. He opened the door and was greeted by a voice.

“Welcome back, sir.”

He slithered into the room, not even bothering to respond. He threw his suitcases to his sides and made his way to his spot on the ground. He collapsed on the carpet. “God, it’s good to be home.”

“Problems with your father?” Computer asked.

He looked up to the ceiling. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Very well,” Computer stated.

He picked himself up as a robotic arm descended to him with a small book within its claws. “Your next review, sir.”

He took a deep breath and swiped the book from the arm. “Let’s just get this over with. Maybe I can get some relaxing done this week.”

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Should we be Grammar Nazis?

Are they annoying? Helpful? Or even useful? For a many writers, this is a very taxing question. Writing does have rules with its grammar, but often times the rules with them are broken or changed in order to give a unique style to an artist’s work. Now that doesn’t mean that all of the rules can or should be broken, but it all depends on the skill of the writer. And the majority of writers can’t or shouldn’t break any of the grammar rules if they can help it.

My personal opinion, grammar Nazi’s are necessary for any new or even veteran writers. Most of the time our “unique style” doesn’t flow well with the masses and as such simple intentional grammar mistakes can be taken as you have no idea what you are doing, especially if you aren’t used to writing that way, in which you intentionally do it wrong in one spot, but end up doing it right in another.

Grammar makes the story look more profession and the author more intelligent and proper. One could argue that we would break grammar rules for style and that’s certainly one way to look at it. But one must know the rules of grammar before one can break them. With today’s story, I’m pretty sure he knows the rules, but he just doesn’t care.

Now, since this is fan fiction, most viewers are pretty lenient with grammar checks. (or don’t know enough of it). However, when one ignores enough grammar rules (or in today’s case just doesn’t care), the story can become unreadable, even for the most dedicated of readers.

I would go into detail with it, but frankly todays author doesn’t really care about it, so why should I?

So, how am I going to deal with a story without bashing on its grammar since the author doesn’t care about it? Well, I’m going to just focus on the story. Which means no matter what grammar mistakes are there, only the story matters. Does it make sense and is it enjoyable? Those are what I’m going to focus in this special edition of the Critique Cave.

So, let’s dive into Applejack in Love Poison Dilemma by FelixDawn and see if this story can be any good without counting the grammar.

Celestia sun was shining down on Ponyville, giving light for the residents.

Unfortunately, the sun gave up so much of its light, it set them all on fire. It was a sad day for Equestria and a sad way to end season 5.

While most of the ponyfolk were doing their own business, it was Rainbow Dash she heading towards at the Sweet Apple Acres.

So it turns out that Rainbow Dash is heading towards Sweet Apple Acres.  Déjà vu…  Also ponyfolk doing their own business? Huh, so this story takes place on Hearts and Hooves Day, if you know what I mean.

Applejack bucking apples from the many trees that covered the farm. The orange mare, Applejack,

Because those people who would be reading MLP fan ficion would never watch a single episode of MLP. And if you’ve been keeping up on my reviews, you know I’m not kidding.

took the bucket and placed it in the barn where many more buckets full of apples laid there scattered full. She decided to take a quick break and grabbed some apple juice to quench her thirst from the day work.

Oh, my god! She’s drinking one of her cousins! She’s an animal!

Oh, come on, Applejack. You know I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m just making a joke. Please don’t cry.

I have really got to stop making members of the main 6 cry. Let’s see, Applejack, twice. Twilight, at least once. Fluttershy, at least twice. Rainbow Dash, I think once. I think the only two I haven’t made cry was Rarity and Pinkie Pie. At least yet.

"Sorry AJ I could not find them anywhere!" Said Rainbow Dash with a disappointing look.

"For real?" Ask Applejack.

:ajbemused: Fer real fer shizel!

:rainbowhuh: Yeah, dog, bitch be tight in the hood, yo!

:ajsmug: Word, homey-gee-dogey-dog!

I’ve been working on my gansta slang. I think I’m improving!

So it turns out that Rainbow Dash had been looking for Big MacIntosh and the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Applebloom?... Sweetie Belle?... Scootaloo?" Shoot Applejack

DON’T SHOOT APPLEJACK! SHE’S NEVER HARMED ANYPONY IN HER LIFE! WHY MUST EVERYONE HATE HER SO?!

, "Where'd they go?" Ask Applejack as she keep looking for the 3 fillies.

Oh, god, are you three stuck in tree sap again? What were you three doing this time?

:applecry::scootangel::unsuresweetie: We were just doing our taxes!

They start looking for the girls at the tree house.

When Applejack was still looking for the girls, Rainbow Dash seen a class with a purple liquid that filled the glass and drink it. The drink starts to work on her.

:rainbowkiss: Oh, yeah. My back has been killing me for weeks. That feels soooo nice!

"Strangely enough, I can't fin Big Macintosh either." Said the farm pony Applejack a she walk back to Rainbow Dash side, "Are you aright, Rainbow?" She ask her friend with a concern.

Aright is okay, because it kind of fits into Applejack’s accent. Just so you know, grammar Nazis.

So the love poison potion makes Rainbow Dash fall in love with the first mare she sees and it happens to be Applejack. Which brings up a question, why do the Cutie Mark Crusaders have a vial of love potion just lying around their clubhouse? What were they planning to do with it? Were they really that determined to make Cheerilee and Big MacIntosh a couple that they would try again? They don’t need to. Most fans ship them already.

Applejack was now chased by her friend Rainbow Dash after she drink love poison potion, Applejack was the first pony she saw and now Applejack was running around ponyville avoiding her she hide in tree, rock and ever in the barn, when she finally go to a dress shop to wear a disguise.

There is a show, don’t tell here somewhere. I just can’t find it yet. (It’s not a grammar error. It’s a common writing technique.)

So Applejack gets away and reads a book on how to cure Rainbow Dash and amazingly finds it rather simply. … That was rather anti-climactic. God, she made Twilight look like the slowest reader ever.

"Oh shit gotta run" Applejack said in shocked, "how did you know?"

Yeah, I gotta dock points for Apple-sware. I’m sorry, but that’s just out of character. I, personal opinion here, could see the word “damn” coming from her mouth (not that it will ever happen since it’s a kid’s show), but “shit” is more of my territory.

Applejack runs into the forest where she runs into the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They go back to the clubhouse to see if they can undo the spell, discovering that Rainbow Dash had indeed ingested the love poison potion.

:applecry: Oh, no! Rainbow Dash is only feeling the love potion part of the drink! Wait til it gets to the poison part, she will be hurling for a month!

Rainbow Dash finds them and chases after Applejack. She finally catches up to her and tries to kiss her.

:rainbowderp: Urgh! Applejack, you taste like… well, applejack!

Fortunately, Apple Bloom and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders arrive to put an anti-love potion, from Zecora, on Rainbow Dash. However, they say it won’t work for 24 hours and that Applejack will have to hide until then… Why? In the episode Hearts and Hooves, it took them not looking at each other for an hour before the spell wore off. Is this a different love potion? Are the effects different when the target is only one pony? For that matter, how did they get to Zecora so fast? And how did Zecora just happen to have the ingredients that she could use to make the anti-love potion? Does she just keep some in the cupboard just in case?

Actually, based on history, Zecora was quite a popular zebra. Being approached by all sorts of stallions.

Really? Huh? Learn something new every day.

So Applejack goes back to her barn, which I would think would be stupid since that would probably be the first place Rainbow Dash would look, and of course, I’m right as Rainbow Dash knocks her out.

After hours Applejack finally awakens to find that her 4 hoofs has been tied and she was in a bed.

OH, MY GOD! IT’S CUPCAKES ALL OVER AGAIN!

"Uh what the fuck happen let me out!!!" Applejack yell,

Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to dock points again. That’s just not a word that I would think Applejack would say.

Sir, don’t’ you think that is being a little bias towards your own personal head canon and thoughts on how the character should be portrayed?

You know what, I already took away my grammar insults, I need something!

So, Rainbow Dash goes over to Applejack and says that she wants her to be with her, forever.

Youtube Video

I like this song! Get over it!

Rainbow moved her head closer to one of Applejack ears and whispered, "I want be inside of you!"

And not in the sexy way either. I was thinking about cutting off your skin and wearing, pretending I’m you. … That’s not at all creepy, is it? Oh my god, this is Cupcakes.

Anyway, the sun finally comes up and breaks the spell from Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash wonders what is going on and takes Applejack home.

"I can not believe what I did... Next time I so not drink something what is not mine...!" Rainbow said as she rub her hoofs around her face.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I learned that I shouldn’t drink things that I do not know the contents to. You could end up drinking something that will make you want to have sex with the first person you see. Wait… Would that really be a bad thing? I mean, if I gave you a swig and then had you set your eyes on me… I didn’t just write that, did I?

This story… is weird and admittedly, sucks.

It’s baffling how confused this story seems to be. It seems like it wants to be a clop fic, but doesn’t want to go the extra mile. It also seems like it wants to be a story in canon with the show, but doesn’t want to give up the sexual part of it.

And ultimately, it just fails at both. The characters are barely in character. The plot is just skimmed over, not adding a lot of drama since it is over before you know it (Thank god) and the constant telling of the story rather than showing us the story just make it all the more difficult to read, even if you completely ignore the grammar mistakes.

This story isn’t just bad because of the grammar, there are plenty of other reasons not to like this story. From the fact that the basic plot doesn’t make much sense, to the characters not acting like their normal selves, to plot holes about where the potion came from, why the Crusaders needed it or how it worked differently to the other love potion.

Have a great day, guys.

Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Let’s talk about everypony’s favorite bully, Diamond Tiara.

So, because of her status on the show, she is often seen as a heartless asshole. And most stories involving her usually end up with her being maimed, killed, humiliated, etc.

I’m not exactly for bullying, but isn’t that kind of harsh?

Anyway, while Diamond Tiara isn’t among my favorite characters.  She’s not even within my top 30. I know I checked.

Rank Character

1 Fluttershy

2 Rarity

3 Princess Celestia

4 Princess Luna

5 Pinkie Pie

6 Twilight Sparkle

7 Sweetie Belle

8 Applejack

9 Apple Bloom

10 Rainbow Dash

11 Scootaloo

12 Spike

13 King Sombra

14 Trixie

15 Zecora

16 Cheerilee

17 Discord

18 Princess Cadence

19 Shining Armor

20 Queen Chrysalis

21 Derpy

22 Big Macintosh

23 Iron Will

24 Octavia

25 Nightmare Moon

26 Snowflake / Horsepower

27 Granny Smith

27 Braeburn

29 Babs Seed

30 Silver Spoon

30 Pipsqueak

32 Diamond Tiara

33 Gilda

34 Lyra

34 Bon Bon

34 Vinyl Scratch

34 Fancy Pants

34 Prince Blueblood

39 Fleur de Lys

40 Lightning Dust

41 Photo Finish

41 Hoity Toity

43 Flim

43 Flam

45 Rose Luck

45 Colgate

45 Dr. Whooves

45 Berry Punch

45 Carrot Top

45 Soarin'

45 Spitfire

45 Caramel

45 Cloud Chaser

45 Flitter

45 Twist

But even if that wasn’t the case, does she deserve the kind of crap she goes through with fans? I’d like to think there is somepony who would stand up for her when some fans go too far. Just like today’s subject. Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners by Decimal

This story is pretty controversial with most fans stating that Diamond Tiara got what she deserved in the end. Others would claim that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are completely out of character and that the punishment Diamond Tiara received in this story was unjustified and mean-spirited.

But what is the truth? Is her punishment justified or not? Well, let’s jump into the story and decide for ourselves.

As you already have probably guessed, there are spoilers for this-

Sir, must you always reveal there are spoilers ahead? I think anyone who is following this already knows that there will be spoilers.

I’m doing it for the people who haven’t seen the previous reviews and don’t know what to expect.

Very well, sir.

Anyway, on with the review.

We start with the Cutie Mark Crusaders in their clubhouse trying to figure out what they are going to do for their Cutie Marks.

"Mountain climbing, juggling, firestarting, stunt performing, doctoring, potion brewing…

Manticore-slaying, spelunking, clop fiction writing, professional accounting…

Yeah, the fans of these characters can get kind of weird…

"Maybe we should ask some of the townsponies how they got theirs?"

Wait, haven’t we done this plot already? I know it was with the main six, but most of those characters are your sisters. (or at least close in Scootaloo’s case). Why would you think that going to ponies who aren’t family go any better? Do you just not trust them enough to tell you the truth or something?

So they decide to go into town and ask others how they got their cutie marks. They arrived in the town and Sweetie Belle says this-

"Wait! Didn't the mayor ban you from riding your scooter in the market?" Sweetie Belle said.

Wait, Scootaloo was banned from riding her scooter in the market? Why?

"Oh yeah. Darn." Scootaloo hopped off her scooter and was followed by the other two fillies.

Wait, you aren’t going to explain why she can’t use her scooter? We just have to assume that we know or something?

They walked around the market, searching for ponies who they haven't asked the story of how they got their cutie marks.

So… not going to explain that at all, huh? Just kind of… wasting our time with that bit.

Anyway, they start wandering around town hoping to find somepony, but the town is mysteriously empty.

The only ponies there were the ones who ran the market stalls, and most of them were sleeping or doing other things that weren’t attending to customers.

Gee, I wish I got paid to sleep during my store hours. Those bastards are lucky.

What do you call what you are doing now?

Working.

You don’t get paid to do reviews. You choose to do them because you are bored.

Shut up.

Scootaloo was the first to complain about the absence of ponies. "This sucks! Where is everypony?"

Wow, good thing you told us that before she actually did it. I never would have guessed she was upset with the whole “absence of ponies” bit, if you hadn’t had just told me. Good thing you didn’t show me, I would have never guess. Note sarcasm.

"But what if somepony wanted to buy something on a holiday? What do you think, Sweetie Belle?"

And thus, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle began the very thing that would not only bring them billions, but the very thing that would destroy Equestria forever…

So, they see a large crowd of ponies gathering at a stage and they go to investigate.

Well, we don't have anything else to do, wanna see what's happening in there?" Apple Bloom said.

Except well, finding your cutie marks. And hell, why don’t you just ask the owners of the shops to help you guys with your cutie mark hunting? I mean, the town’s empty. It’s not like they’re doing anything important.

So they travel towards the stage and they view the presentation.

Youtube Video

And if you just saw the video, then you basically read the next 500 words. … I’m not kidding. The whole scene was replayed in the fan fic. Written out in… a much shitter way. The descriptions of this story are absolutely terrible. There is nothing in this story that resembling ‘show’! We are only told things! That’s not good writing!

Now, this would be acceptable if it actually showed the Cutie Mark Crusader’s reactions to the seminar or how they feel about the whole thing, but really, it’s a cheap way to fill up space in the story, since it offers us nothing new that a 1 minute video wouldn’t catch us up to speed on. Hell, I’m surprise he actually wrote it, instead of taking the lazy way out and just posting the video in the story. Frankly, I probably would have liked that more. It wouldn’t have been less reading I had to do.

But it turns out there was a reason for this scene to happen, be it a rather stupid reason, as it happens to be the very same seminar that Fluttershy was at in Putting Your Hoof Down. And, he just spat on the official canon. I’m so glad this couldn’t be done another way. Maybe the author just didn’t have the imagination for it.

Youtube Video

Oh, look at her. She is so cute. I just want to wrap her up and cuddle and…

Focus, Critique. Focus on the review.

And if you watched that video, you got the next 500 words out of this story. And this story only has 3000 words. Yep, 1000 words of this story was a total waste and could have been used for something more original and more interesting. If I wanted to watch Putting Your Hoof Down, I would watch it on Netflix!

Anyway, after the seminar, the Cutie Mark Crusaders leave with Scootaloo getting an idea.

The Crusaders meet at school the next day to discuss Scootaloo’s plan.

She stopped when she saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walking towards the schoolhouse. "There they are. Alright, just follow my lead."

Little did they know that they were actually Changelings in disguise that devoured them as soon as they came with hoof’s length of them. And considering what we are about to see, I don’t really feel sorry for them.

What really happens is Scootaloo and the others start making fun of Diamond Tiara.

speaking of cutie marks, we never really got what yours meant. I mean, it's some sorta crown, but you're not a queen or anything, so it means that you're somepony who pretends to be important but isn't?"

Well, frankly, we pretend you’re a chicken so I don’t really see how that compares to a crown?

"So you're like those snooty nobles in Canterlot who think they're above everypony else? Wow, you must really be a snob to get a cutie mark for it! You even have somepony who hates you following you around every day pretending to like you and tell you how great you are just because you're rich! Isn't that right, Silver Spoon?"

Oh, so bullying! That’s what we’ve stooped down to! Don’t be a bully, kids, but if somepony makes fun of you, go ahead and insult everything they are and everything they do! Because two wrongs make a right!

So, yeah, it goes on like that for a while with the Cutie Mark Crusaders basically being assholes and Diamond Tiara the victim. Kind of out of character for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but hey, if one seminar can morph Fluttershy into Flutterbitch, I guess it works on everypony, right?

Youtube Video

Finally, the bell rings and you would think that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are done. They had their little fun, they got back at Diamond Tiara and they can go back to whatever it was they were doing.

"I know what we should do!" Sweetie Belle said. "When we go inside the schoolhouse, follow behind me and do what I'm doing."

God, you suck.

So, the Crusaders burst into the room and start crying. When Miss Cheerilee asks what happened, they explained that Diamond Tiara called them Blank-Flanks and that it hurt their feelings.

"Diamond Tiara, is this true? Did you make fun of them for not having cutie marks?"

"No! They're just being stupid and stuff and…" she trailed off when she noticed Cheerilee was now looking at somepony behind her.

"Yes, Miss Cheerilee, she was. I saw her doing it today, and before that. She's been doing this for years." Diamond Tiara turned to see who said that. When she saw it was Silver Spoon,

Okay, what?

Where did this come from? This seems unbelievable rushed! Where the hell did Silver Spoon’s sudden 180 come from?! This is one of the biggest problems with the Silver Spoon character with the fans! Silver Spoon is treated as nothing, but a victim, while Diamond Tiara is played up the bitch to 11! It’s a mirror image of Luna and Celestia. Celestia is played the part of the evil tyrant who sent her sister away, while Luna is played the part of the victim!

But it doesn’t make any sense! One, Silver Spoon is just as bad as Diamond Tiara. There is about as much to like about her as Diamond Tiara! The episodes prove that! There is no reason why she should be played the victim card more than Diamond Tiara. I know she’s the ringleader, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t as bad!

And even if that wasn’t the case, this scene where she suddenly switches sides is so fucking rushed! One sentence and BOOM, Silver Spoon is a good guy now!

It comes out of left field with no build up and no suspense whatsoever.

But in the Crusaders’ defense, she did strike first. While the Crusaders did go really, REALLY far with their insults, Diamond Tiara and the Crusaders should be punished for it. So, what’s Diamond Tiara’s punishment?

"I am expelling you, Diamond Tiara, from the Ponyville Schoolhouse, for repeated bullying and harassment."

… … Damn… That’s really harsh, isn’t it?  Isn’t that going a bit beyond your authority? Isn’t there a principal or something, you need to discuss it with first?

Also, you’re going to just… expel her? Just like that? I mean, you’re not going to talk to her about it? Not going to hold it up for discussion? Not even going to try to have her explain herself or have you explain why that is inappropriate for her to do?

Okay, I’m going to be right back…

Okay… I’m good now…

So, anyway after being expelled, which still makes no sense even after all the alcohol I just consumed, she meets up with her father.

She explains what happened at the school with her father, explaining that it isn't her fault, but he isn’t buying any of it.

"I did not raise my daughter to be like this. I can't believe that you would stoop as low as picking on somepony for not finding their cutie marks. But getting expelled from school? This is unacceptable."

Okay, Miss Cheerilee was very out of character in the last scene for expelling Diamond Tiara like that. Yeah, she was a bully, but that’s not how you deal with them as a mature adult. I’m sure her father, who was a little more understanding in the show then most people give him credit for, would treat her in the way that she needs to. With love and respect and…

"Pack your things. I don't want to see you around here anymore." Filthy Rich got up from the chair and walked away, leaving Diamond Tiara at the table.

… … Well, fuck you too!

I mean, are you serious?! Are you fucking serious?! THIS is how Diamond Tiara’s father acts?! Yeah, I don’t think that would happen considering the character we see! Yeah, okay, we don’t see a lot of him, but I don’t think he would ever disown her! My god, do ponies in this town not know how to raise children?!

Maybe humans would be okay to come here and show ponies how to love their children!

FUCK! NOT THEM! NOT THEM! NOT THEM!

And of course, since we never see her mother in any of the episodes, the author automatically assumes she doesn’t have one and even if she did, she would, OF COURSE, agree to sending their daughter to live on her own.

Diamond Tiara starts to head outside, but is cut off by the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Now, let’s play a little game here. The Cutie Mark Crusaders admit to hearing her dad yelling at her and banishing her from his home. (Which of course, there is no laws against neglect of a child for the convenience of the story)

You have a brilliant set up here for a very great ending. If you were the author, what would you do in this situation? Would you:

A: Make the Cutie Mark Crusaders feel guilty about their actions, ultimately learning that two wrongs don’t make a right and that being a bully is not the answer and thus they help Diamond Tiara get back into school to finish her education, making it up to Diamond Tiara’s father and confessing the truth?

Or B: Have the Cutie Mark Crusaders rub it in Diamond Tiara’s face, stating how much better they are than her, therefore becoming the very thing that they had been bullied by for years?

If you said B, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!

That’s right, our author picks B, having the Cutie Mark Crusaders rubbing in the fact that she is now alone and is forced to raise herself!

Diamond Tiara stomped her hoof on the ground. "You did this! You ruined my life! You made Silver Spoon leave me, you made me get expelled from school, and you made my dad disown me!"

"You're welcome. Now you won't be a spoiled brat anymore, and you can be a miserable not spoiled brat!" Scootaloo said.

I’m heavily considering changing my favorite ponies list to not include you three!

And of course, the moral of this story is “It’s okay to be a bully and treat people with disrespect.”

“Sometimes the best revenge is moving forward and being happy despite the people that try to drag you down.?” Pfft, Hussein Nishah was a fucking idiot. Obviously, it should be “The best revenge is making sure the person you hate suffers by losing everything they hold dear.”

This author got it right. He got it fucking right!

So they continue to make fun of her with Diamond Tiara crying. Now, anyone with an actual brain in their head would make the Crusaders feel bad, but not our author, instead we get this.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER LIFE RUINERS, YAY!"

Ha, ha, ha, ha! You just let a little girl get disowned by her family being forced to starve in the streets and possibly die.

This fan fic is trash! It’s stupid, its unimaginative, it’s not written well at all, and it’s just so mean-spirited.

Look, Diamond Tiara is a bully. I get that. She gets her just desserts at the end of each episode. Okay, fair enough. I’m a big believer in karma. What goes around comes around. If you are an asshole, it will come back to bite you.

But this? This is not only mean-spirited, but it makes no sense. How is any of the decisions of the adults justified? Yes, Diamond Tiara is a bully, but her punishments are way too extreme! They are far too extreme for the wrong she’s done!

The Iron Will seminar, what was the point of that? Did you like Iron Will, but couldn’t figure out a way to get him into your story, so you just shoe horned him in there? There were a million different, unique ways this could have been done. Why even do it this way? If you are going to do it this way, at least give us something new like focusing on the Crusaders, rather than Fluttershy, who wasn’t even a part of the story to begin with or has anything to do with it afterwards.

The story isn’t funny! It’s written as a comedy, but it never once got a laugh from me. I would only look at this in shame and think, “God, did you really just write that?”

The descriptions in this story are so bad, that the story actually becomes really boring. My high school English book was more exciting than this.

And the worst part about this story is the Crusaders themselves. They are not only out-of-character. They not only bully Diamond Tiara the way she had always bullied them. But because only Diamond Tiara is punished.

ONLY Diamond Tiara.

If you are going to punish her for the bad things she does, fine! But what about the bad things that the Cutie Mark Crusaders do?

“Well, the Crusaders are good, so that makes it alright.”

Fuck you! It’s not alright! Two wrongs do not make a right! I’m sorry! That’s not the way the world works!  The biggest problem in this story is that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are never punished, never criticized, never even feel guilty about the harm they have caused another.

And you know why the story never went that route? Because the author didn’t care. The author didn’t give a shit about this story or its contents. Don’t believe me? He literally says it.

I was originally just going to have the CMC make fun of Diamond Tiara but that didn't really cut it. I don't think getting expelled and disowned is reasonable, but I threw it in there just because. And yeah, they were out of character and the punishments just stacked on top of each other without enough logical reasoning, but I didn't want to have ten thousand words of Diamond Tiara sitting in the principal's office/getting chewed out by her dad.

If that isn’t the definition of not caring, I don’t know what is. 10,000 words would have been great build up for this story. Hell, even 1000 words would have added to it. Or at least make up for the 1000 words of Putting Your Hoof Down I had to read through. Overall, this story is a pathetic attempt at making people cheer when Diamond Tiara gets bullied. But all it does is leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Yeah, save your hate for somepony more deserving.

Not her, you asshole!

That’s better. Have a good day guys.

Light Away the Fear

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And today, I will be reviewing Light Away the Fear by FictionFreek

This intro for this chapter was shorted as a respect for a user named TgTfproductions passing away, but it turns out that the dude was a lying sack of shit.

Frankly, I'm pissed off about the whole thing, since the dude basically betrayed out trust, but I'm not going to let it spoil my review. So, let's try to find something happy about this to make this whole thing go as far away from me as possible.

The story starts with a small voice being heard and awakening Rarity. She isn’t certain what it is and tries to fall back asleep.

However, the voice speaks out again and Rarity realizes it is the voice of her’s and Spike’s daughter.

Spike starts to awaken as well and asks if Rarity thinks that their daughter, named Claire, is having another nightmare.

I’m a little surprised Luna hasn’t come to calm her down yet, but I guess she can’t be everywhere at once.

What? I’m being nice today!

Spike volunteers to go comfort her and attempt to put her back to sleep, but Rarity insists that she will do it, saying that she has an idea.

It turns out that Rarity’s plan involves Tom and rocking her child to sleep.

Geez, I’m getting everypony pissed off at me today. Well, let’s keep reading and see who else I can piss off.

She approaches the next room and discovers that her nightlight has died out, causing the little girl to panic.

She finds Claire on her bed wrapped up in her blankets and beings to comfort her.

“T-they wanted to t-take me, momma.” Claire said after some time of silence.

They wanted to take you away, ha, ha! They wanted to take you away, ha, ha! Hoo Hoo! Hee Hee! Ha, ha! To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and you’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats, and they’re coming to take you away! Ha, ha!

Rarity tries to calm her down by explaining that there are monsters out in the world that are quite terrifying, but none that are more terrible than the ones in her own mind.

Yeah, I beg to differ.

God, it looks like he’s going to try and eat me.

And let’s not forget the most terrifying creature of all time.

God damn! Now there’s the image of a nightmare!

Rarity takes her out of bed and decides that she is going to show her that she has nothing to fear but fear itself or something like that.

She was confused,

Frankly, so am I. Remember when parents used to comfort their children when they had a problem and talked to them about it, explaining how they didn’t have to be afraid or something like that. That they were just in our imaginations at that you didn’t have to be afraid of them. And you convinced yourself that it’s okay because they aren’t out to get you, but then you realize that they are out to get you and your nightmares keep repeating themselves as they close in on you and laugh as they dig their knives into your body and you try to scream, but your mouth won’t…

Wow, I have no idea where that came from. Been … um… watching too many horror movies.

and did not have the slightest inkling what it was that her mother was going to show her.

It turns out she was showing her FIMFiction.com. Nothing scarier than that.

Aw, come on. Can I make a single joke without being ridiculed?

So, Rarity convinces Claire to face the darkness, with her right beside her. She blows out the light and Claire starts to panic, but Rarity continues to comfort her.

Rarity asks her to point out where she sees the monsters and Claire points out a ghost that threatened to take her away from her parents.

You stay away from me! You’ve already killed that fox that you took away from their family! What more could you possible destroy?!

She continues to see all kinds of monsters, with her mind explaining what they would do to her if they caught her.

Wait a minute… Isn’t this supposed to be taking place from Rarity’s point of view? Why are we suddenly changing from the point of view of Rarity to Claire? I know that it is in third person, but shouldn’t there be a break indicating that there is a view point change?

Unless, it is Rarity remembering these events, but how could Rarity know what is going on in Claire’s mind?

Anyway, just before Claire can be overcome with fear, Rarity turns on the lights and shows Claire what her fears really were.

Sometimes when we’re afraid, we let our imaginations take over. We start to see things that aren’t really there, and as a result, give life to our greatest fears. But when we see the light, it shows us the truth. That the things we fear the most are only as real as we allow them to be.”

Yes, Claire. Just because something looks scary in the dark, doesn’t mean it’s actually scary-

Shit!

Okay… that was a little bit creepy.

So, Rarity explains that there is a light that shines in everypony that if they use that light, they can fight away their fears.

She tries to concentrate on her horn, attempting to banish her fears from her heart. She finally unleashes her own light and Rarity explains how proud she is of her.

And our story ends with Rarity tucking Claire in for the night and wishing her a sweet dreams.

However, it turns out that she is having nightmares like this.

I’m just teasing…

This story is actually not that bad. Now, there are some grammar things I could have gone into and the sudden shift between points of views did bother me, but it was still a sweet little story.

The reactions of Claire were grounded and believable and she even was kind of adorable.

Rarity was completely in character of how I envisioned her as she a mother. Especially one who has been a mother for a while. She supportive, compassionate and thinks of nothing but the needs of her child.

The ending was cute and believable. It wasn’t Rarity just telling her not to be afraid, it was Claire realizing that there was nothing to be afraid of. And I think that’s the strength of the story, the child character is allowed to learn something on her own, not just being taught something. I’ll admit it was a bit fast how she learned to overcome her fear, at least for my taste, but for what we got, it was still good.

The story is written well, save for a few spots, and it still feels like the characters are still in character, even after all these years.

Next week, it’s back to the cesspool of crap that I continue to review. Until then, have a great day.

-----------------------------------------

Claire: Mommy, how was I born?

:duck: Well, honey, we still aren’t exactly sure. Seeing how I’m a mammal and your father is a reptile and our reproductive biological systems aren’t compatible. We believe it had something to do with the magic of friendship or something like that.

Claire: Equestria’s weird.

:duck: Yes, it is.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goodbye...

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

There are a lot of stories that try to get you to feel something for the characters, usually by a tragedy befalling them. Usually this is used as a quick way to get the audience to feel something. Now, this can be done very well if executed with professionalism, tact, and gives us a deep bond with the characters.

However, there are very good examples of what can happen if you have no idea what you are doing. Just because something is supposed to be sad or make the audience feel something towards your character or another character, does not automatically make it successful. You still have to have a connection between the situation, the character and your audience.

And that’s what this story fails to do and it is called Goodbye... by Fluttershy217

And here’s the description of the story to give you an idea of what I’m in for today.

Pinkie Pie takes her own life, because she cannot take the pain of trying to smile each day.

Only Rainbow Dash has a chance at saving her will she make it in time?

… …

Oh, boy. We haven’t even gotten to the story itself and already I have no hope for this. First off, let’s look at the premise set up for this story. Pinkie Pie, one of the most optimistic, fun-loving, ball of happiness in fiction, is unhappy because is cannot take the pain of smiling each day.

If I remember correctly, Pinkie Pie LOVES SMILING! That is what her whole cutie mark is based off of! In the story of how Pinkie Pie gets her cutie mark, Pinkie Pie explains that her life on the rock farm was miserable because she didn’t know how to smile! However, after seeing the Sonic Rainboom, she decided that she wanted to always feel the joy that she felt that day and wanted others to feel it too! So, she’s depressed because she’s happy all the time?! What the fucking hell?! I understand that you need a range of emotions, but this is just stupid!

We are not even in the story yet and I’ll ready I’m swearing. This one is going to suck, everypony!

Also, the grammar leaves something to be desired. Something we will be getting into when we actually get to the story.

Like right now.

It was early morning celestia was just starting to raise the sun.

Yeah, the grammar in this story is pretty damn poor, even though we get an author’s note that looks like this.

Ok fixed the grammar mistakes but the story hasnt changed at all just the grammar

Friend, you haven’t even started on the grammar mistakes, but let’s just focus on the story.

Only one pony was awake it was the joyful party pony, Pinkie Pie but her mane was flat as if it were a popped balloon.

:pinkiegasp: I can’t do a thing with my mane anymore! I’m going to need another Sonic Rainboom.

:raritystarry: Have you tried Clear Scalp and Hair Beauty Therapy?!

She just finished sealing an envelope labeled 'Goodbye' and she left without a word.

Which is probably a good thing since she was the only one at the store at the time. If she had said some words while nopony was around, that would be kind of weird.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash arrives at Sugar Cube Corner to see if Pinkie Pie is around.

"Hey Mrs. Cake is Pinkie Pie here?" Asked Rainbow Dash.

Wait! Pinkie Pie… is Mrs. Cake?! But … how? That impossible! Unless… Pinkie Pie got trapped in a time warp when she was younger and lived in the past. Meeting up with Mr. Cake as a young stallion. As they got to know each other they fell in love and Pinkie Pie changed her appearance, mannerisms, identity, and everything about her to become his future wife, only to meet with herself in present day, causing a paradox which destroys all of existence as we know it!

… Or it could be just that bad grammar again? But I like my version better.

Mrs. Cake explains that she hasn’t seen Pinkie Pie.

"Well since your here can you go up there and check on her?"

Wait, why don’t you go and check up on her? There is no explanation as to why Mrs. Cake can’t go up and check on Pinkie Pie or shout her name to say that Rainbow Dash is here. It’s not like she’s taking care of the twins or anything.

"Sure thing" and with that Rainbow Dashed up the stairs (no pun intended).

… Seriously? That’s where our humor comes from? Ugh… Look, I like puns as much as the next pony, but if you aren’t going to use a pun, you don’t need to tell us it’s a pun in the story! Unless, there is a character that says that, there is no reason to add it in a story!

Furthermore, you capitalized ‘Dashed’! Why?! That would imply that there is a pun intended, since it is playing off her name by describing the action she is taking!

Rainbow noticed the envelope Pinkie's bed "Hey what's this" Dash said thinking out loud she opened the envelope and read it.

Dear, Rainbow Dash,

My pencil is not working.

Sincerely, Pinkie Pie.

:rainbowhuh: Wait, how did she write that then?

I have left and I’m not coming back I’m sorry especially to you Rainbow Dash that I cancelled our plans again for pulling pranks on Ponyville I’m heading out to Ghastly Gorge and I’m going to jump so I will no longer have to fake a smile don’t feel bad girls even if you had known I was sad you couldn’t have helped. I’ve lost friends each party I throw is to bury the sadness so at noon it will be goodbye cruel world friends and all

    Your friend,

                      Pinkie Pie

The nerve of Pinkie Pie! Canceling pulling pranks on Rainbow Dash just because she’s depressed and is suicidal! She canceled pulling pranks on Ponyville with Rainbow Dash, just because she was unhappy! The fucking nerve of Pinkie Pie!

Pinkie… I didn’t mean it… Really, I didn’t. You know I don’t think you’re like that. It’s this story! It’s the one making you look bad.

There it is! All better now.

Except for the fact that I’m reading this story.

Yeah, this letter is pretty stupid. Forget the bad grammar, when the hell has it ever been suggested that Pinkie Pie is depressed because of the parties she throws?! In Mystery Magical Cure, it was heavily suggested that the town of Ponyville would probably fall apart without Pinkie Pie! The cheer she spreads is highly contagious and that the city of Ponyville is heavily appreciative of Pinkie Pie’s ability to spread joy and laughter to others! There is a fucking reason why she is called the Element of Laughter!

And this story is suggesting that the town is unappreciative of everything she does? For fuck’s sake, Pinkie Pie was able to bring joy to a pony (okay, it was donkey, but the idea stands) who was refused her friendship. That is how Pinkie Pie feels alive, when she is spreading joy and happiness to others! She confesses it in her song!

Now, this story could have worked if there was a legitimate reason of why Pinkie Pie was depressed. But there is no explanation as to why she is upset and why she feels the way she does. It’s just out of character and doesn’t make for good story telling.

And yes, this story was written after Mystery Magical Cure aired, so this story has no excuse.

Anyway, back to the story. Rainbow Dash flies off to Ghastly Gorge in the hopes of stopping Pinkie Pie from killing herself for vaguely explained and stupid reasons.

Pinkie Pie is sitting as Ghastly Gorge waiting to jump. Isn’t it odd how she has an exact time she has to die? What do they have a long line in heaven?

:pinkiesmile: It says if you get to Pony Heaven at noon, you get a free cookie!

Sitting at the edge of Ghastly Gorge sat Pinkie Pie looking up at the sky and when the sun reached its peak she slid off the edge of the gorge to the rocks below and as she fell Pinkie saw a Rainbow charging straight down and said "Goodbye Rainbow Dash" and then she saw the sonic rainboom that which filled her with joy so long ago brought only deep sadness now.

God, I feel like I’m being told a story by someone who can’t resist putting the word ‘and’ in random places throughout it. And to be honest, it’s pretty fucking distracting. How would you like it if I told a story like this?

And the Critique jumped up in the air and dodged the missile. And the supervillain said, “Curses!” and the Critique said, “Ha! I am so awesome!” And the computer said, “Oh, Critique, you are so hot! I want you inside me.” And the Critique said, “Of course you do. Everypony does.”

Pretty fucking distracting, huh?

I think they are more distracted by what you just wrote. I have never said you were ‘hot’?

Well, you should.

On top of that, it doesn’t even make sense. She mentions that the Sonic Rainboom doesn’t bring her joy anymore, but there isn’t much of an explanation. It’s as if the writer already expects us to know the information that you have. And yes, I understand that the audience isn’t stupid. The audience is smart. They can figure things out. But when you leave stuff out that’s a little important, we get the impression that you have no idea what you are doing or are too lazy to come up with an explanation.

So Rainbow Dash dives after her, but isn’t able to stop Pinkie Pie from hitting the ground. And this would be a great time to have some emotional outburst from Rainbow Dash, going through all the little emotions that she would go through and…

That night was the Funeral everyone but Rainbow Dash was there.

… Wait what?

So, are you just not going to have Rainbow Dash react to her best friend dying in front of her? I would think that would cause some kind of reaction. Well, okay, the story says she cries, but that’s it. That’s the most emotional investment Rainbow Dash gives us to Pinkie Pie dying.

Wouldn’t after three seasons of being best pals, you would kind of develop a much stronger bond with another person and as such it would hit your harder, causing your emotions to overwhelm you in some way? The problem is, it’s not in this story. Pinkie Pie dies, Rainbow Dash cries, next scene.

The pacing on this is so unbelievable bad, you don’t get to enjoy or even invest anything into a scene. You don’t get to spend time with Pinkie Pie, relating to her problem and find out why she is upset. You don’t get to see Rainbow Dash mourning Pinkie Pie, with you learning about why she meant so much to her.

“But Critique, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were obviously best friends in the show. So you know how much they mean to each other.”

Yes, but, what does Rainbow Dash mean to Pinkie Pie right now? I don’t know, because the story doesn’t tell me. If I wasn’t a fan of the show and started reading this story, I wouldn’t see connection. … Granted I would probably not be reading it, but that’s not good writing.

Yes, a character dying is sad. It is. But what makes Rainbow Dash’s pain different from everypony else’s? What makes her hurt so much more than us? You have to explain it to us. You have to show us why Rainbow Dash is an emotional wreak after Pinkie Pie’s death. If you just say, ‘she cried’,  you don’t get invested because you don’t feel how close they were.

Anyone could have just cried. How does Rainbow Dash differ from everypony else?

So, Fluttershy goes to Rainbow Dash’s house and asks why she wasn’t at the funeral. Rainbow Dash responses that she wants to be alone. Fluttershy agrees, but not before leaving Rainbow Dash with a small remembrance by Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow Dash, rather than reflecting on anything and giving a lot of thought to the memories she had with Pinkie, decides to go to the grave as quickly as Fluttershy walked out the door.

See what I mean by bad pacing?

So, Rainbow Dash says her goodbyes and then hears Pinkie Pie’s voice… Wait what?

Then Rainbow Dash heard a voice, the voice was Pinkie Pie's it told Rainbow Dash "It's Okay Dashie take your time and when you’re ready say goodbye but until then smile and spread some joy make others laugh because when you smile the world smiles back at you"

Wait, so Pinkie Pie is now a ghost? Or is Rainbow Dash just going crazy?

So, Rainbow Dash throws a farewell party and everypony has a good time and our story ends with Rainbow Dash saying her final good bye to Pinkie Pie. And I swear to god, the paragraph I am writing now is longer than the one used to finish this story. Which is really fucking sad.

This fanfic is terrible. It’s poorly paced, the plot is stupid, the grammar is abysmal, the characters hardly resemble their counterparts and the explanation for Pinkie Pie’s depression is weak.

This story had potential, but it was wasted in this incredibly rushed story. It was as if the author wanted to write this in one day, and it shows. The plot is quickly thrown together, in a vain attempt to make you feel something for the characters.  It is so quickly thrown together, that the author did not even consider the character’s motivation.

It would have been interesting to see exactly why Pinkie Pie was upset. It would have been interesting to see Rainbow Dash’s reaction, but again, we are never given that.

Pinkie Pie is extremely out of character here. Like I said, Pinkie Pie is an incredibly optimistic character. It really takes a lot to bring her down and cause her to be depressed. The only time I have seen her depressed (not including season 4 for those of us who haven’t seen it) is during the episode Party of One, where Pinkie was depressed because she believed her best friends didn’t like her anymore. Because she believed that her friends didn’t enjoy the one thing that made her happy.

So it is incredibly hard to believe that she was depressed because she was happy.

This story tried to make us feel something for a character’s misfortunate and make our feels hurt, but all it did was make my brain hurt at how head-scratchingly bad it was.

Have a great day, guys.

***

Starla glanced up at the stars as the Grand Ruler raised the moon above the world. She wondered about her love, Lightning Dawn. He was trapped in Equestria, all thanks to their new enemy. Krysta hadn’t slept in days. She was worried about what Equestria was doing to him.

Starla would explain to Krysta that Lightning was strong and that he could take whatever the Equestrians could dish out. However, she wasn’t sure if she could convince Krysta or herself. Her nights were filled with seeing him in irrefutable pain. The nights would cause her to leap from her bed, tears soaking her cheeks.

She looked at the stars, hoping for a sign of his release, but the stars refused to reveal his fate. She wondered if it was because he was no longer in Unicornicopia. She lowered her head, sighing in defeat.

The door creaked open behind her. “What’s a pretty mare like you doing all alone on a night like this?”

She turned to see a dark blue Pegasus with a smirk on his face. She frowned and turned away. “What do you want, Thunder Ice?”

He smiled as he trotted into the room. “Is that anyway to talk to somepony who has been so nice to you?”

Starla shook her head. “We both know why you’ve been nice.”

He chuckled. “Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

She turned fiercely at him, glaring into his eyes. “If the Grand Ruler found out what we have done, he would kill us both!”

Thunder shook his head. “Relax. He’s not going to find out.”

Starla turned back towards the window and looked up to the sky. “You know that I am promised to Lightning. Nothing can change that.” She turned towards him. “And I must be happy with that.”

Thunder rolled his eyes as he made his way next to her. “Trust me; I’m not trying to take you away from him. You can marry him all you want.” He placed his hoof on her face. “But if he doesn’t give you what you want-“

She swatted his hoof away from her face and growled at him. “This isn’t a game!”

Thunder took a step back. “Geez, what’s gotten into you?”

Starla looked out the window and lowered her head. “You’re going to face him, aren’t you?”

Thunder scoffed. “You’re damn right I am.”

Silence filled the room for several moments, as if Starla was afraid to reveal the truth to him. She didn’t know what was the point. Nothing would stop him from facing their new enemy.

Thunder smiled. “What’s with the silence, beautiful?”

Starla closed her eyes. “You’re going to lose.”

Thunder’s eyes widened as his jaw dropped. “What?!”

Starla turned towards him. “You’ll lose to him. He will defeat you.”

Thunder raised his eyebrow. “Why? Because the stars tell you?!”

Starla bit her lip and took a step backwards. “Yes.”

Thunder shook his head and started to laugh. He slowly trotted towards her, his body flickering with electricity. “Listen closely, lover.” He took a step forward, lightning shooting from all parts of his body, nearly hitting Starla as she cowered backwards. “I was brought back to life by God when I committed suicide.” His eyes turned white as electricity sparked from them. “I’m not afraid of this little pony and I don’t care what your ‘stars’ say.”

Thunder turned away from her and trotted out of the room, leaving the smell of burning cloth around the room and the echo of his voice repeating itself in her mind.

Enter the Ninja

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Most of the stories I review involving OC’s suck. Why is that? Is it because good characters are so hard to create?

I certainly don’t think so. Characters aren’t really that difficult to create. Okay, good characters are a little harder to create, especially if it is an OC in a previously established universe, but if this show in particular has taught us anything, it is that new characters can work.

Take for example, Maud Pie. I admit, I haven’t seen the episode introducing her character (don’t worry, it’s on the list of things to do), but a lot of fans really liked the character, despite the fact that she appeared only in one episode, late into the series.

Again, I admit to not having seen the episode yet, so if you are looking for my opinion on her, I can’t really give it. I don’t know the character, so I can’t give you a personal preference of what I think.

But the point is, new characters that are introduced to the series can work. They do work. And they work if they are written well. However, most stories we see on FIMFiction lack the creativity and thoughtfulness that needs to go into an original character.

Most original characters are usually fantasy fulfillment for the author, leaving very few flaws and glorifying the character, usual by making other characters look mean spirited or down right idiotic. A good original character should be good without demeaning or perverting the other characters or the world around it.

But does our story today finally break the mold? Is this the story that I review where the OC is actually good? Well, let’s Enter the Ninja by Blackbash and find out. … That sounded really gross, didn’t it?

So we start our story with Luna taking over Celestia’s shift to guard the night.

The night was as cold and silent as ever, and for a small minute, Luna switched her sight from the all seeing telescope to a small set of mountains out in the distance.

Wait, how do you have a small minute? Did you only have half a minute or something? But then it wouldn’t be a minute, would it? How do you have a small minute?

Luna starts to guard the night, from what is never made clear, but starts to get distract when she starts to think about a pony she had known long ago.

“Besides Snowdrop, ‘he’ was the only one who not only understood the importance of my night, but enjoyed it as well.”

… So, this is in the same canon as Snowdrop? … I’m not sure how to feel about that. Especially since Snowdrop didn’t suck!

The moonlight shone on an old, deserted castle in the Everfree Forest.

For the record, ‘shone’ isn’t a word! Shined would have been much better!

Luna travels to the old castle in Everfree, when suddenly the small shards of glass within the castle start to form black smoke. Oh, wait…

Sir, are you sure you are reading this right?

Of course I’m sure. Look…

“Besides Snowdrop, ‘he’ was the only one who not only understood the importance of my night, but enjoyed it as well.” She breathed. The moonlight shone on an old, deserted castle in the Everfree Forest. Shattered remains of a glass like substance began to move. They gathered together under the moonlight and began to glow. After a short period of time, the pieces transformed into a dark glittering, purple smoke. A low, maniacal, witch-like laughter escaped for the substance and it headed straight for the Canderlot Castle.

Sir, I think those are supposed to be two separate thoughts.

Oh, dear Christ. The scene changes in the middle of the paragraph! We start the paragraph in Canterlot and then out of the fucking blue, we jump all the way to the Everfree Forest! There isn’t even an indication that shows us a transition. Instead, the audience thinks that Luna rushed to the forest for no reason!

I know your audience isn’t stupid, but there are certain things that indicate a separate scene! Use page brakes! That is how your audience knows that one scene has ended and another one has begun!

Anyway, the dark mist or whatever makes it way to Canterlot and attacks Celestia. It begins to suck all the magic out of Celestia’s horn and slithers away with Celestia still slumbering.

So, Celestia wakes up and goes to relieve Luna of guard duty before raising the sun.

The sun goddess rose from her cushion, trotted over to the telescope and tapped Luna on the back with large wing.

Large wing on big pony. Big horn on pretty pony. Talk like this, make you sound stupid… And offensive.

So, Luna and Celestia embrace and it is revealed that Celestia has a big black spot where the dark mist had sucked out her magic. Unfortunately, it is the narration telling us and not Luna discovering it. Apparently being out all night has caused Luna to not care about what her sister looks like. I admit I don’t see the black spot on Celestia’s head, but that’s only because the story is so poorly written that the little descriptions we do get are bland as hell.

So, the mist starts to soar away and makes its way back to the Everfree Forest. Meanwhile, the narration decides to switch scenes in the middle of a paragraph!

We join Zecora in her hut where she making her special brew.

“Why pay a fee, when I can make my own raspberry tea for free?”

Zecora: My ingredients will put Brisk out of business forever! It is easily my most ambitious endeavor!

Anyway, just as Zecora is putting the finishing touches on her master plan, the dark mist breaks into her hut and attacks her.

“Who dares attack my hut?! How would you like a kick in the……..…butt?”

Her rhyming is really not good. Not as good as it should. The flow feels odd, it feels quite flawed. She follows a cadence and speaks in verse; this way is sloppy and will only get worse.

Zecora didn’t know what she was looking at,

Neither do I, since the author doesn’t bother to describe it.

The dark mist attacks Zecora and steals the Alicorn Amulet away from her. The mist then forms a dark mare and flies off wearing the Alicorn Amulet.

“Oh my Celestia!” thought Zecora. “She’s got the amulet!”

Wait, so Zecora can speak in rhymes, but won’t think in rhymes? That doesn’t make any sense! You don’t think differently than when you speak! Unless Zecora has a separate personality that doesn’t make her rhyme, she should have rhymed her thoughts! Not that your rhymes were that impressive anyway, but if you are going to start with her rhyming, at least follow through with it!

Anyway, we finally get our first page break in the story, even though we should’ve have four of them by now, but whatever.

This was the start of a new day, and a new life for Twilight Sparkle, the newest and youngest princess of Equestria.

And it was the first day that fans called her a Mary Sue, which to this day makes no fucking sense.

She had spent the night at her old home in Canderlot getting ready for her first day as a ruler of Equestria.

My god! Did somebody even proofread this thing? Canderlot? What? Are you just making up words as you go?! Jesus, I haven’t even mentioned the terrible grammar, but now you want to add bad spelling on the list of things that are wrong with this story. The long list of things! God, this one is going to physically hurt me, isn’t it?

Twilight is nervous about presenting herself on her first day in Canterlot… oh, I’m sorry, Canderlot, as it is written. She asks Spike for advice, but Spike tells her she looks fine. Twilight isn’t convinced, but Spike is able to convince her otherwise.

“Look Twilight, don’t waste time worrying about your appearance, because you look beautiful.” Not as beautiful as Rarity, but good.  He silently added.

Yes, you are beautiful, Twilight. You don’t look as good as other girls, but you're still beautiful.

Okay, that was low and I’m sorry.

Twilight rushes out and meets with her brother, his wife and the Princesses.

“I can’t say how proud I am to be your brother” he expressed,

Holy hell, what is with these ponies?! Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I get the vibe that Twilight wasn’t cool before she was a princess. Newsflash, she was cool before then too! How do you think she became an alicorn in the first place?!

Anyway, Luna tells her not to worry about her nerves and Celestia starts to feel ill. Oh, now somepony notices that Celestia isn’t well. What the hell is with these characters?

“No, I’m fine” Celestia said, determined not to let this ‘drained’ feeling hold her back from her duties.

Get it, it’s a joke! Celestia is literally dying and the author is making jokes! Ha, ha, ha! God, I hate you.

So, Celestia starts having a headache, but Cadence is able to heal her using her magic.

"Here princess, let me help.” said Cadence rushing up to her aunt.”

Wait… Did Cadence just say what she was going to do? Who the hell proofread this?! A three year old?! No, I take that back! I’ve seen three year olds with a better grasp on grammar than you!

Ugh! Anyway, after Celestia is healed, a black spot in the sky starts to block out the sun.  It turns out to be the moon, which Luna attempts to defend herself, but Celestia already reveals that she knows it’s not her.

“Then who’s doing this? And who would have the power to do such a thing?” questioned Twilight.”

“I have no idea”, answered Cadence.”

What the hell is with Cadence saying what she is doing? Is this some kind of new personality trait that Cadence has and I’m just hearing about it now?! And apparently, it’s contagious, since Twilight also has this problem!

Celestia says that the dark mist is heading towards Ponyville and Twilight requests to go back to help her friends. Celestia agrees and Twilight teleports back to her library home. Wait, is Twilight’s teleport that powerful that she can teleport from Canderlot (yes, I’m not letting this go) to Ponyville? I mean, if she can, that’s awesome, but I’m pretty sure she can’t. If she can, why the hell bother with transportation such as trains and balloons?

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, everypony starts panicking as the dark cloud descends upon the city.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash start to wonder what is going on, but then hear Rarity screaming. And of course, it is just a gag for Rarity to seem like a vain bitch.

“No! I’m not o.k.! I couldn’t see in this blasted darkness and I fell in a mud puddle! In my newest dress! Just look at me! This is the worst! Possible! Thing!”

Look, I know that Rarity has a tendency to overlook the big picture and focus on the little things, but come on! There is a freaking dark cloud hovering over Ponyville, threatening to destroy you all and you are worried about your fucking dress!

Fortunately, Applejack and Rainbow Dash seemed to be using their brains and berate Rarity for being vain.

“For cryin’ out loud, Rarity!” yelled Applejack. “There are much more important things to worry about than some silly old dress!”

:applejackunsure: We need to find out how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop! The world must know!

Pinkie Pie then mysteriously appears… And I really do mean mysteriously.

“Pinkie Pie?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Where’d you come from?”

“I don’t know.” she admitted.

What the fuck? Look, I know Pinkie Pie isn’t the most easily understood characters, but there has got to be some logic to her! How does she not know how she got there?! Did you just drop her there on the page or something?! She can break the fourth wall, you know! So her response would have been…

:pinkiehappy: I just was written into this scene by the author, even though I will serve no purpose to the overall plot whatsoever.

Thank you, Pinkie Pie. And let’s keep moving.

Twilight then appears in Ponyville, I guess she does have the power to teleport from Ponyville to Canderlot. Makes you wonder why Celestia needs to travel in a coach then.

Anyway, they rush off to find Fluttershy, who’s… house has been chained up? … I don’t know.

Anyway, they break in and find Fluttershy unconscious. When she doesn’t awaken, Rainbow Dash acts like a dick.

“Fluttershy! Angel’s hurt!” fibbed Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy instantly regained her sense and color. “Oh no! Angel!” Fluttershy stole Angel away from Rainbow and examined him carefully. “Thank Celestia you’re safe. Rainbow!” she said in a cross manner. “Why’d you lie to me?”

"Sorry, but we had to snap you out of it somehow.” replied Rainbow.

:rainbowderp: Fluttershy, Angel is hurt!

:fluttershysad: Really?

:rainbowlaugh: Just fucking with you!

:rainbowderp: Fluttershy, Applejack is having sex with Big MacIntosh!

:fluttercry: Really?

:rainbowlaugh: Got you again!

Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie jumped into Ghastly Gorge and just committed suicide.

:flutterrage: Fuck you, Rainbow Dash! I’m not falling for that again!

So, they ask Fluttershy what happened to her.

Fluttershy took a deep breath and explained. “I was in town doing some shopping, when I saw the sky was getting dark. I said to myself, there’s no way its night time already! But then I looked up and saw the sun being covered by huge black ball. I was getting frightened, then I saw the shape of Princess Celestia. I rushed over to see her, and I found out.” She said in dark tone. “I-It wasn’t her.”

Youtube Video

Wait, if you were in town, how the hell are you in your cottage? Did your body take a trip during the middle of your faint attack? Did whatever attacked you pick you up and carry you home? If so, that’s pretty courteous.

Anyway, the group sprints off to find the Elements of Harmony to combat whatever the thing is that attacked them.

Zecora appears at Fluttershy’s cottage, but says that she is too late because the group already left. Wait… How did Zecora know they were even there? How did she know that they were ALL there?! Was she just waiting outside for them and is just too stupid to figure out they left?! Did she take a nap outside Fluttershy’s house as they walked in?

Did she see them leave?! If so, why did she bother walking into the cottage at all?! If she knew they weren’t there, why the hell did she go in after she saw them leave?!

Twilight and the others arrive at Canderlot and ask Celestia for the Elements of Harmony. Celestia says that she’s already extracted them from the Tree of Harmony. (God, I really need to find time to watch season 4) and Twilight and her friends prepare to face off against whatever is attacking.

However, Celestia and Luna offer to join them, believing that what they are facing is more dangerous than what they’ve encountered before.

They leave Cadence and Shining Armor to look after the Crystal Empire and Canderlot while their away. They teleport to another location with Shining Armor thinking.

Good luck Twily, and be safe. He prayed.

And then in the next sentence, same damn paragraph, Celestia gets shot by a dark magic.

There stood a replica of Celestia, except for few minor details. Her body color was blacker than a raven, her eyes and armor were blood red, her mane color started with red and slowly faded to black. Her cutie mark was a skull and cross bones and she wore a familiar amulet.

And then we get a Youtube video. That’s right, a Youtube video in the middle of the story! WHY?!

There is no reason to put a Youtube video in your story! This is especially bad since I don’t have access to the video as it says it is private! So, this dramatic moment where we reveal our villain is interrupted because I have to scroll past the video (that won’t even play) to get to the next part of the story, taking me out of the dramatic situation.

I would show you guys what is on the video, most likely something stupid and pointless, but I can’t. So I’ll just show you what I think the video is probably about.

Youtube Video

Thank god for Homer Simpson.

So, it turns out that the creature that attacked them was none other than Nightmare Moon. Twilight and the others confront Nightmare Moon and ask what her plans are. Notice how they don’t bother asking how she came to be, most likely because the author doesn’t care to explain it.

Anyway, Nightmare Moon explains how she found the Alicorn Amulet and explains how she took it from Zecora.

“Oh don’t worry.” Nightmare Moon interrupted. “I didn’t harm her… too much.”

All the ponies greeted their teeth in anger.

:flutterrage: You stupid teeth! You owe me money!

:twilightangry2: How wonderful to see you, teeth! Let me get my dental equipment!

Nightmare Moon boasts about how she is going to turn the world into eternal night, when Twilight response with…

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” interrupted Twilight. “Let’s just fast forward to the part where we beat and get back to our lives.

As badass as that was, that seems a little out of character for Twilight. Rainbow Dash would probably say something like that, but I have a hard time seeing Twilight saying this. Still what do I care? It’s probably the best point in the story so far.

Anyway, Twilight and the others gather up and use the Elements of Harmony on Nightmare Moon, naturally destroying her and they all live happily ever…

The girls were dumbstruck; Nightmare Moon blocked their most powerful attack like it was nothing!

Um… okay then. There is usually a word that goes into this type of situation… What was that word? Hm… Oh, yeah, I remember.

Look, I’m pretty sure that the Alicorn Amulet is powerful, but enough to block out the Elements of Harmony? That’s a pretty big thing to swallow for me, since they used it against Discord, a freaking god of chaos, and he was still turned to stone, despite how incredibly powerful he was! This doesn’t make any kind of sense, even if the Alicorn Amulet was combined with Nightmare Moon, she would still have to be able to manipulate reality in a way that Discord couldn’t. And need I remind you, Discord could pretty much change anything into whatever he wanted with just a twitch of his pinkie!

Zecora comes in and tells the characters what we already know, making her completely pointless. And then she is asked to hide by Applejack and she does so, making her useless as well.

Seriously, you can’t make her rhyme, she’s providing information that the characters already know, and now she is cowering before an enemy; why is she even in this story?!

Celestia attempts to attack the creature, but finds out her magic have been drained.

Now, some of you may be chanting, “Celestia is composed of good magic. Maybe that’s why she’s immune to the Elements of Harmony” And that’s a valid point… Except that, Luna was also corrupted by Nightmare Moon and was freed using the Elements of Harmony. The Elements should have still wiped out Nightmare Moon and free Celestia’s magic!

Again, this is stupid!

Also, they are finding this out now? Here’s a good question for the author, if Celestia didn’t have her magic, how the hell did she raise the sun? Consistency! You suck at it!

How dare you do that to our Princess, you wicked beast!” yelled Twilight. Nightmare Moon gave the small alicorn a venomous glare. “What did you say?” she asked in a threatening voice.

Yeah, that second quote there, that was Nightmare Moon speaking. I’ll bet you thought it was Twilight, didn’t you? What? Did you think that a new paragraph would start every time a new character spoke, making it infinitely easier for the reader to keep track of when one character starts and another character ends? What kind of stupid idea is that?

Anyway, Nightmare Moon attacks them and knocks them all to the ground.

“Oh! Look at me!” cried Rarity, “Now I look worse than my dress!”

Rarity, there is a monster that is trying to kill you! And you want to worry about your messed up appearance! You sound like a Mykan character!

[img]http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/692b82876a9c93a505b96a9cc35665d3/http://i1156.photobucket.com/albums/p570/bolemis/tumblr_liapt6Ufzq1qaha6c.gif[/img]

Okay, Rarity, that was a low, low blow. And I am so, so very sorry. Please, don’t cry. Please, Rarity. You know you’re my second favorite character in the show, right? I know you’re not this vain. It’s this author! He’s terrible! Please, don’t cry…

[email protected]

There’s my email address. Feel free to flame me. I totally deserve it.

So, Nightmare Moon takes the Elements of Harmony away from the characters and destroys them. This would be a problem, if she didn’t already do that in the first episode… and it didn’t work there either!

Anyway, Nightmare Moon laughs as she proclaims power over Equestria.

“How ironic, the very magic you use to protect all of Equestria is now the source of the power that will extinguish the light FOOORRREVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!”

Pfft… I’m sorry could you say that again!

FOOORRREVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!”

Okay, now Pinkie Pie!

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Now, SpongeBob!

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Now, you and SpongeBob!

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Now, Pinkie Pie again!

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I love my job!

Luna and Twilight decide to take another shot at Nightmare Moon, clearly not realizing that probably running and gathering a new plan would be better, but whatever. They fire a magical blast that hits Nightmare Moon and the resulting shockwave rushes towards the others, but Celestia shields them with her own body.

Thank you very much princess.” said Fluttershy.

“You’re, welcome young one.” replied Celestia as she was battered by the winds.

:trollestia: I’m think, I’m, going, Shatner.

Nightmare Moon laughed in victory. “I told you.” She said mockingly. “Now that I possess the power of both the sun and moon, I’m invincible!”

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Yeah, she’s the bad guy, but if it ends this story quicker, I’m down with it.

So, Luna and Twilight are defeated by the more powerful Nightmare Moon and are forced to retreat before Nightmare Moon can finish them off. Which means that the story will be even longer. Huzzah…

Nightmare Moon feeling that they are no longer a threat to her, rushes off to Tartarus to release all the evil creatures trapped inside.

“Using her magic, she shrank the canine down to the size of a puppy. Frightened by her intensive power, the tiny guard scampered away leaving the gate of the underworld exposed. All the dark creatures immediately clambered to the doors desperately trying to escape.

Yes, apparently Nightmare Moon is now monologuing to herself, explaining everything that she is doing. Though there is no end quote here, so frankly it tells me she never stopped.

“You want out?” asked Nightmare Moon. “Okaaaaaay.”

Well, at least she didn’t say ‘Okey Dokie’.

James Cameron’s Spider-Man movie review… It’s here, check it out.

Anyway, back at Canderlot, Shining Armor is attempting to bring order to the castle, when Twilight and the others return. They explain what happened during their battle with Nightmare Moon and show him the remains of the Elements of Harmony, saying that their powers are now useless.

Even though in the first episode she did the exact same thing and they were fine, but whatever.

Luna sends a message to the Crystal Empire in order to get Princess Cadence to come back to Canterlot. Even though, it would have been easier to teleport there since there doesn’t seem to be a limit on the range she can teleport, but hey, no thought was put into this story so far.

"I hope she gets it soon, the longer she keeps that amulet, the more evil she becomes.” thought Luna.

Yes, because attempted murder and releasing all the beings in Tartarus clearly isn’t evil enough. Now chimney sweeps? That’s evil!

So, because this chapter clearly wasn’t long enough, we then cut to Cadence who is reading about what happened, last scene! It’s a complete recap of the things that happened before! We just read this! Why am I being forced to read it again?!

“It’s to explain it to Cadence.”

Having her read the letter is enough to let her know! You don’t need to go into details about the contents of the letter when we just saw what happened!

Anyway, after reading the letter, Shining Armor and Twilight appear behind her. Wait, then what was the fucking point of sending the letter?! If you were just going to teleport there, why bother with a letter at all?!

They ask Cadence to help with the restoration of Celestia’s power, and Cadence promises to do everything she can.

“Cadence.” Put in Shining.

Put in Shining? What are they going to watch that horror movie with Jack Nicholson in it?

“Oh! And I love you.” added the Prince.

“I love you too Shiny.” She giggled as the two shared a brief kiss. “Alright Twilight, let’s do this.” she breathed.

Seriously, Cadence giggled here? I know that the two are husband and wife. I don’t have a problem with that, but her aunt is dying. I don’t think she would be giggling right now, no matter who was kissing her. The reactions to these situations really feel off.

Cadence arrives and starts to heal Celestia with the other characters wondering what to do about Nightmare Moon. Luna explains to them about a pony she once knew who might be able to help them.

“His name is…Ninja.”

In retrospect, it was a stupid thing to name a child. It didn’t leave him with many careers he could pursue.

Ninja: But I don’t want to be a ninja. I want to be a doctor and help people!

Ninja’s Mom: Now, son, we’ve been through this! Your father and I named you what you are so you could love the night, love sneaking around, and love assassinating people!

Ninja: You never think about what I want! I want to be a doctor, but they won’t take anyone named Dr. Ninja!

Ninja’s Mom: We all have our path in life.

Ninja: This path sucks!

And so does this story.

“Yes.” answered Luna. “He was a ‘special’ friend of mine when my sister and I were growing up. He is a master of the deadly martial arts as well as magic.”

Little known fact, Equestria actually represented Feudal Japan before Luna was banished, with a constant struggle between Celestia’s samurai against Luna’s ninja clan.

I don’t want to see anyone writing a story about this!

Luna’s cheeks began to glow pink. “He is a very powerful and kind stallion, who not only understood my night, but enjoyed it. We met one night when I was raising the moon. He was performing some type of dark magical spell; that sparked my curiosity, so after I was done, I went to investigate."

Turns out that he was a cultist too. He brought into the world the most dangerous creature in all of the My Little Pony Universe. The Brony (Brony is the property of Hasbro… Apparently)

The other mares began to wonder what she met by ‘continued’, but she gave a reassuring glance that terminated any dirty thoughts.

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. You might as well have put a big sign over your head saying “I let him screw me every night!”

“He also told me how he is the guardian of a secret power that nopony else knows about.”

Because I would just tell my girlfriend about the stuff that I’m not supposed to tell anyone about. And thus if my enemies found out that she knew would most likely target her to make her tell them what this power is! I’m such a good boyfriend!

Anyway, Luna explains that Ninja’s last known location was in the mountains beyond Canderlot, though she isn’t exactly sure where.

“But right now, it is the only other source of power we have left.” said Luna.

Uh… No, it isn’t. You still have Discord. I know I haven’t seen season four, but I’m pretty sure he’s still an ally in early season 4. Like I said, the guy can alter reality on a whim. I’m pretty sure he can handle Nightmare Moon. It’s like he doesn’t even exist in this story!

Princess Celestia asks Twilight and her friends to find Ninja and the power he guards.

You must go, for ‘it’ is our last hope.

Are you trying to put emphasis on the word ‘it’? Because if so, than the way you did it makes it sound like Celestia is being sarcastic. Usually, if you want to put an emphasis on a word, you use italics it.  For example, This story really sucks.

The way you wrote it would be like me saying; “This story is ‘great’.” Great at being a piece of shit!

Twilight agrees to go and her friends agree to travel with her.

“With the fate of fashion in jeopardy, how can I refuse?” asked Rarity.

Ugh, I’m beginning to think that this author has only seen 3 second videos of Rarity and never actually watched an episode with her.

“We’re on ya like apples on an apple tree.” added Applejack

Ewww….

The yellow Pegasus looked out the royal window at the endless black night that the dark mare had created. After a moment, she closed her eyes and turned back to her friends in a defeated manner. “Twilight.” she began. “This is… just too scary.” She confessed. The girls couldn’t believe what they just heard.

“But Fluttershy, I…”

Fluttershy raised one hoof in the air to silence Twilight mid-speech. “Which is all the more reason why I’m in.”

“You’re serious?” asked Twilight.

“Of course. I could never leave any of you or my animal friends in the dark.” All the ponies ran over to the yellow Pegasus and embraced her.

“You’re very brave Fluttershy.” commended Celestia.

What the hell was the point of that?! I know Fluttershy isn’t the bravest pony, but come on! Did we really need this scene?! Not only does it make Fluttershy look like an ass, but it also doesn’t fit her. She has always been with her friends when they go on dangerous missions. I know she’s a coward, but she would never abandon her friends.

And that makes this scene really stupid!

The group begins to gather supplies and make their way to the mountains.

“I’m positive.” replied Luna. “Trust me when I tell you he is the purest pony I know. Not to the mention the most handsome. She added silently.

Celestia: You know I can hear you, right?

Luna: Luna looked up to the sky and thought to herself, “He’s the most handsome, and powerful, and wonderful, and greatest sex partner I ever had. And then Luna remembered the best sex they ever had-

Celestia: Okay, Luna, time to take your pills.

Anyway, we cut back to the main six where they arrive at the mountain, where they attempt to scale it. When Rarity… oh, Christ.

Rarity pulls out a series of clothes for them to wear. Now, normally this wouldn’t be a problem for me. I have no issues with Rarity making clothes for them. However, this story decides to describe to us every little detail about the clothes, which are each specially designed for each individual character. Why am I angry about this?

What the fucking hell does this have to do with the story?! Seriously, we have an evil force that is out and about, doing whatever the hell it wants, there is a mystical force that our heroes are supposed to find when they have no idea where to look, and you want to take us away from that part of the story, to describe to us what kind of earmuffs Twilight is wearing?!

That’s not good storytelling! It kills the tension of the story by interrupting it with pointless information that doesn’t further the plot or give us insight to the characters or situation!

Anyway, the group gathers up their supplies and makes their way up the mountain.

Without the heat of the sun, the journey up the mountain proved difficult for the mares, but they struggled on.

And that is apparently how difficult it was for them. How difficult was it? Why, it was so difficult, they… um… uh… they… Actually, how was this journey difficult for them? Did they get lost? Were they cold? Did one of them break their leg? Did they run into Mel Gibson? What the hell made this journey difficult?!

So the group continues to make their way up the mountain with Rarity saying…

“Are we there yet?” asked Rarity after an hour.

“No, not yet.” answered Applejack.

(Five minutes later) “How about now?” repeated the fashion designer.

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See? I can do that too. It’s called a quick laugh. Something that this story makes me do… and not for the reasons you think.

So, I guess, after an hour of hiking, they finally reach the top of the mountain. You know, because climbing something like this

Is as easy as walking to your local grocery store.

We then get another scene of where Rarity is shown to be incredibly vain by complaining about her sweat on her body.

Rarity was able to put aside her love for her skin to be with her little sister and do something that she wanted to do! The Sisterhooves Social!

She was able to ignore the fact that she was covered in dirt and was able to outwit a group of diamond dogs that kidnapped her! A Dog and Pony Show!

She dunked her head in a pile of garbage to make sure Pinkie Pie didn’t learn about the party that they were throwing for her! Party of One!

Rarity has been able to overcome her vanity for the sake of her friends and family and when the situation calls for it! But what would I expect from someone who can’t even spell Canterlot right?!

Anyway, they find out that a part of the mountain is illusion as Twilight passes right through it. The others follower and they find themselves in a semi-dark cavern.

I’m not kidding.

Inside the mountain, the girls found themselves in a semi-dark cavern.

Every sentence I read is like more of my brain is melting out of my skull.

Anyway, they begin to explore the cave, when suddenly they accidently activate a series of traps. A spear trap threatens to impale Twilight, but luckily Rainbow Dash saves her just in time… Only for them to get in another trap. The classic moving spiked walls trap.

No, Spike, you never appear in this story again.

Yeah, I know, you get neglected all the time, don’t you?

They escape with Twilight making a hole in one of the walls, however Applejack gets a small cut during their escape. Rarity, however, says that she’s got a first aid kit at the ready.

“Told you I backed everything essential.” After cleaning Applejack’s cut, Rarity wrapped up her cut.

I don’t even want to know what ‘backed’ everything essential means. Unless, it’s like backing up things on your computer, but that doesn’t make much sense either.

We then get another pointless scene of Fluttershy being extremely cowardly, not remembering why they are even there to begin with and what is at stake, all for the sake of ‘dramatic tension’ even though it makes no goddamn sense!

When suddenly they activate another trap, as the ceiling starts to slowly descend upon them. They manage to make it out except for the tip of Rarity’s tail, which gets crushed by the ceiling. The manage to cut Rarity loose, but she starts whinny about her tail, even though in the second episode of the series, she was willing to cut off her tail, with no issues. But if it isn’t obvious by now, the author hates Rarity and Fluttershy. Oddly enough, those are my two favorite characters in the show. So, as you can imagine, I don’t take this well.

Look, if you don’t like Rarity or Fluttershy, that’s fine. We all have our opinion on who is best pony. But just because you hate a character, doesn’t mean you have to write them out of character or write them as stupid or as whiny! These characters don’t act like the characters I enjoy watching or reading about! They act like stereotypes of the characters I enjoy watching and reading about! And it makes the author look like he doesn’t respect the characters that he is writing about!

So, Pinkie Pie gets caught in a web, it doesn’t really explain how since it is a cobweb and it is most likely it would be right in front of her and she’d probably have to be too stupid to see it, but hey, it’s clear that the only character this author likes is Luna, so all other characters have to be morons, right?

They then get attack by blades, but Twilight is able to get them out of it using a spell. My god, the pacing on this is awful. It just goes from one trap to the other without giving us a moment to catch our breath. It doesn’t allow the story to breathe at all and just jumps us from one scene to the next.

“Twi?” questioned Applejack. “Why can’t I feel any ground?” Everypony looked down; they were standing on nothing. Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie and Fluttershy fell straight down; leaving Rainbow and Twilight hovering

Yes, because gravity works until you don’t realize you have no ground under you.

Rule 8: Gravity is a harsh mistress.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy save them (I would question Fluttershy’s lack of remember she is a Pegasus, but in the show she has shown that her wings betray her when she is scared, so I’ll let it slide) and they run into ANOTHER TRAP!

Jesus, I feel like I should have Admiral Ackbar on repeat!

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I made to 5 seconds and I had more fun in that 5 seconds than in the time I wasted reading this.

“You know?” asked Pinkie. “I’m starting to think this is a ‘booby trap party’.”

“Yeah, and I’m hoping that was that last one.” expressed Rainbow.

“Me too.” breathed Fluttershy. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

You and me both, Fluttershy.

So they come across a bridge where absolutely nothing happens, except good character development and the character’s thoughts on what has been going on so far. Oh, wait. I wished that’d happened.

No, of course, what happens is the bridge, it turns out, is, saying it with me kids, a trap! God! You are doing nothing here that is interesting! The first trap was nice, the second trap was okay, the third was annoying, and everything after that was painful!

They escape that thanks to Twilight’s teleportation powers and run into… Oh, fuck. Another fucking trap! Really?!

Dunsparce! Take me with you!

So, they make it through the trap. Gee, it’s almost like we’ve seen this before. Ten times already! Ten fucking times! My god, not even Mykan was this repetitive! (… Wow, I’ve been surprisingly nice to him in this review. I should probably stop that.)

And we get another scene of Fluttershy being a coward. How many scenes do we need of this?! We’ve had 3 scenes like this in the story already! Why do we need another one?! Is Fluttershy conquering her fear multiple times such a vital point in the story?! She’s already conquered her fear of going with them up the mountain, she’s already conquered her fear of pressing forward despite the traps, and now we just saw a scene where in the face of another trap, she conquers her fear.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for character development, but it feels like for all the ‘conquering’ she does, she never actually learns anything or gets any less afraid! It feels like pointless dramatic tension! Now, you might be arguing, “Fluttershy had the same thing going for her in the ‘Dragonshy’ episode.”

One, in the episode, Fluttershy is terrified to go up the mountain because of the dragon. Not because it is high or that there were unknown dangers. She was terrified of dragons. That was the only reason she was afraid to go up there. She didn’t want to follow through with the other trails, because she knew in the end, she would have to encounter the dragon. That’s why each time she conquered the tasks it was attributed to her character and ultimately ended with her facing her greatest fear.

This doesn’t do that! It’s just random fears with no end point! With no ultimate goal in mind!

Ugh! I hate this story.

“Hopefully that was the last trap.” said Rarity.

Even the characters in the story are begging you to stop with the traps! Will you though? What do you think the answer is people who are reading this? I’ll give you a hint; it’s not what I would do.

Suddenly, a loud rumble sounded from behind. The girls peered into the darkness and giant boulder came rolling toward them.

Thank you, Spider-Man.

Now, let’s move on before I shoot someone.

Speaking of shooting, they enter another room where a hail of arrows come straight for them.

THIS IS THE LONGEST STORY I’VE EVER READ! AND IT’S ONLY 15000 FUCKING WORDS!

So, they make it through that trap and Pinkie Pie says the smartest thing this story has said yet.

“Yeah.” replied Pinkie heavily. “It stopped being fun, after the first twenty.”

Understatement of the fucking millennium! Pinkie Pie, you are now my favorite pony!

They finally, FINALLY, make it to some kind of Asian alter where they met with the character, Ninja, who apparently speaks in nothing but rhymes.

“Does he know Zacora?” asked Applejack.

I don’t know who the fuck Zacora is?! Is he or she a new character in all this?! Is he from Canderlot?! Is Zecora his sister?! Does he speak in rhyme?! Does he make hundreds of traps all for the sake of making his story pointlessly longer?!

Sir, you’re rambling now. I think you’ve made you point.

Have I, Computer? Have I fucking really made my fucking point?!

Yes, you have. And this review is going on far too long.

… Huff… You’re right. Let’s just try to finish this as quickly as possible.

Anyway, they enter the room and are treated by a group of ninja ponies, who heal their wounds instantly. Wonderful, those traps were utterly pointless.

And they finally get to meet Ninja. And then we get another YouTube video. That’s right. Another pointless video. And guess what? I can’t show you what’s on the video since it is still considered private! What the hell?! Why do you need a video in this story?!

Is it to create dramatic tension? A dramatic reveal of the Ninja character?! Well, why not just have the dramatic reveal speak for itself, rather than using music to add to it?! I realize that music does have the power to build on a scene and often times readers will listen to music while they read. I understand this.

I also understand that listening to music while writing is a way to convey the scene better in your mind. I myself practice that.

My issue here is that not only does the video not play, but this is a written story! The story should be able to stand on its own merits! Without the aid of music! The scenes can be more powerful with music, but the scenes should be powerful regardless!

And using a YouTube video to add dramatic tension to a situation?! Who does that?!

Sir, I am pregnant with your child.

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… Wait, how are you pregnant? You’re a computer.

Don’t kill the dramatic moment.

So, Ninja greets the main six and welcomes them into his home, telling them that they are the only ones who made it through the series of traps.

“It turns out that everypony that attempted to pass through the traps committed suicide after about the third one. And not for the reasons you might think”

“Five hundred and sixty six have tried, and they all perished.”

Fun Fact: Ninja’s favorite song. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.

“Many were strong, but not wise; while the others were wise, but not strong enough. To control this power you must be balanced in wisdom, courage and power. But most of all, they must be, pure.”

That’s right. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, and the savior of Equestria, has a body count of 566. I feel so much better knowing that he is around.

Anyway, he believes that because they survived the traps, they are pure enough to entrust the power to. Even though it only took survival skills to survive the traps and even someone with an impure heart could have made it through the traps given enough skill, but whatever.

He begins chatting some magic words and gives them the power of the shadow warrior and transforms them into ninjas.

“Now.” He began. “Form a circle around me and join hooves, for your journey now begins.” The mares did as they were told. “Close your eyes and concentrate, I shall guide on your quest for knowledge and power.” As they girls closed their eyes, Ninja began chanting an ancient spell. “Older than time itself, earth has always known the calling, might of the light, the strength of the soul, ignite this eternal power inside of me! I am, Shinobi! I am pure of heart, mind, body and spirit, join with me now as I unite the spirits of the ancient past inside the souls of these future warriors, so that they may fight with the one true power of…THE SHADOW WARRIOR!”

“Your journey is complete, open your eyes and behold your new ninja powers!”

This sounds like something from Power Rangers.

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Oh, my god! This is from Power Rangers!

What you just saw in the video is what you see in the story. The same ritual, same monologue, same ninja powers given to the main six!

This is especially humorous since at the beginning of this chapter, we get this author’s note.

Author's Note:

Some things are from DBZ.

You can’t even get the name of the show you are ripping off right.

So, the girls are blessed with ninja powers and are given the knowledge of martial arts, through a simple ritual, taking away the years of training and discipline it takes to become a true martial arts master. What a fucking load.

Anyway, with the magical powers of the ninja at their side, the main six travel back to Canderlot in the hopes of stopping Nightmare Moon.

We cut to Nightmare Moon, who is continuing to destroy the city of Ponyville with her monsters from Tartarus. However, she grows bored with Ponyville and decides to turn her attention to Canderlot. Why didn't you start with that?

However, the main six ninjas arrive and threaten Nightmare Moon with their new powers. Nightmare Moon isn’t impressed however and creates an army of monsters to attack… Wait. Let me see if I read this right. Hold on.

“Don’t worry; I brought some new friends of mine for you little foals.” At that moment, hundreds of her freaky concocted monsters swarmed up behind her.

concocted

concocted

Oh, you have got to be shitting me! In the first chapter of the story, she released the army of darkness from Tartarus! And now she’s creating her own army of monsters?! When the hell was that?! Consistency, please!

The main six battle the creatures and easily overpower them. When suddenly, Ninja arrives to help them in battle. Why the hell didn’t he just go with them? Ninja element of surprise and all that, but if he was just going to do this anyway, why didn’t he start by taking off Nightmare Moon’s head?!

It would have made this story end quicker, that’s why.

So, the monsters start to swarm our heroes and now begins the perfect moment to show case all of the ninja powers as quickly as possible. Rainbow Dash can apparently shoot a giant rainbow beam from her hooves!

Applejack can apparently grow weapons like swords and axes… from apple seeds? …

Pinkie Pie can create earthquakes by punching the ground. Rarity can shoot fire… out of her mouth?

Huh? Apparently, Rarity is a Kirin. That explains the SpikeXRarity shipping. I mean…you know… besides the show itself.

“What’s a Kirin?”

Fluttershy, while trying to save an innocent mouse who gets killed by one of the monsters, turns into a psychopath, who drinks the blood of her enemies and tears them apart mercilessly.

Jesus Christ!

I know Fluttershy would be upset about this, but this is extremely out of character for her!

And finally Twilight has the ability to make her enemies spontaneously combust.

The enemies start to flee when Nightmare Moon tells them to regroup.

“This is getting a little boring.” added Applejack

No, this has been boring for a while. It’s just even more so now.

Anyway, the students of Ninja appear and help turn the tide of battle, even though Twilight and her friends were clearly handing it themselves. Why do they need help?

Anyway, we cut back to Canderlot where Luna and Celestia are worried about Twilight and her friends. They receive a message that Nightmare Moon’s forces are being attacked by a group of ninjas. Feeling that Ninja is among them, Luna rushes out to see him.

The moon nodded to her niece and teleported out.

LUNA! HER NAME IS LUNA! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE THEM FANCY NAMES TO SAY WHO THEY ARE! I DON’T GO AROUND CALLING MYSELF ‘The most handsome, bravest, most awesome stallion in the world’

For the record, no one would call you that.

Wow, you are on one today.

You bring out the worst in me, sir.

Anyway, our heroes watch as Ninja wipes out the army of enemies controlled by Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon attacks the main six, but they prove too powerful for her to handle and force her to retreat.

However, before she can get far, Luna appears and threatens Nightmare Moon.

Luna wielded a blue axe while Nightmare Moon chose a black scythe.

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Wow, that was an awesome fight seen! Why, I feel like it’s on par with this fight scene!

Fucking Fall of the Empire’s got nothing on this fanfic!

After an ‘awesome’ fight scene (see what I did there, author), Luna gets pinned down and Nightmare Moon is about to unleash the killing blow. However, Ninja arrives to stop her from killing the mare he loves.

You know, something to note here. When the author starts writing about Ninja and what he does, he goes into detail with how badass he apparently is. However, when writing about Luna, all she gets is…

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Show, don’t tell!

Ugh! Is it almost over yet?

Ninja and Nightmare Moon battle each other for a brief moment, but Ninja proves superior to her in every way. Then Nightmare Moon merges the Alicorn Amulet into her body and transforms into a tentacle monster.

… Wait what?

Meanwhile, Twilight and the others battle the clones, who prove to be incredibly difficult. I would ask how they are difficult, but that would only make the story longer. Twilight sees Nightmare Moon’s transformation and decides that they should finish off the clones quickly in order to help out Ninja.

Okay, now here’s a great dilemma. Twilight and her friends are having a hard time overcoming the clones that Nightmare Moon created to escape and now Luna and Ninja are in peril and they need to save them. Let’s see how creative and brilliant they can get to figure this out.

The six mares once again tapped into their new powers, causing their necklaces to glow. The girls transferred a load of power to their hooves and struck each of the one of the clones so hard that they exploded into dust. Finally free of their troublesome opponents, the girls charged toward the vile beast.

That… was … LAME!

Twilight and the others arrived to save Ninja and Luna, but are unable to get close enough to attack Nightmare Moon.

“This is going nowhere.” thought Twilight as she continued to dodge the strikes.

Precisely, what I was thinking.

Twilight comes up with a plan to attack Nightmare Moon and unleashes a flurry of ‘punches’ at her.

“Owwwwww.” The black mutant began to tumble, as she struck the ground, she returned back to her original state;

Wait, did Nightmare Moon just say ‘ow’?

Huh? I wonder what other villains would sound like if they said ‘ow?”

“Owwwwww.”

You’re a meany head! I’m telling my mommy on you!

However, it seems that Nightmare Moon is still alive and well as she starts to rematerialize. Ninja tells the girls to use their most powerful attack to defeat her.

And what kind of awesome attack will they use?!

This is a troll-fic. That’s it. That’s the only explanation for this story to exist. It’s a troll fic. Between the overly lengthy traps, no effort being put into it, YouTube videos surrounding it, and the blatant rip-off of the most popular energy beam in all of fiction.

I dub this story, Troll-fic.

So after Broly gets obliterated by Goku, we see that the moon is finally able to free the sun and it begins to warm everything up.

They have a celebration where our heroes are honored, another YouTube video that we can’t see and we have Ninja confess his love for Luna.

Luna: You never call! You never write! And the only time I ever see you is in terrible stories like this!

Ninja: But, Luna-

Luna: Tia was right. I should have married that other stallion.

You’re damn right, you should have.

This story sucks. It’s not as bad as other stories I’ve read on the site, but man is it littered with problems.

The grammar and spelling is inconsistent. Sometimes you’ll have good both and the next minute you’ll be wondering if he even looked at it before posting it.

The plot is bizarre. While I’m not opposed to the characters becoming ninjas, it comes straight out of left field. I know the character’s name is Ninja, but how does that translate into the Main Six becoming ninjas?

The layout of the traps went on for way, way too long! It should have ended after the second or third one, but no. It just kept going and going and going.

The fight scenes were lame, the villain was inconsistent, being overly powerful in one scene and then could barely fight the heroes in the next. I have no problem with the hero getting stronger and thus the villain is less of a challenge for them, but at least make it interesting.

The sad thing is, the story had potential. It started out as a bad, but not terrible fic, with the characters actually being in character (for the most part. I still question Rarity and Fluttershy) and an interesting, but weird, set up. And then it turns into this boring and uninteresting story about traps that aren’t mentioned again and ultimately play no large part in the story.

Ninja is a bland, boring character. He’s not the worst OC I’ve seen, but that doesn’t make him good. His relationship with Luna is never gone into depth and we only see their chemistry for two scenes! And they barely even look at each other.

All and all, not a good fic. I would stray away from this one, as this is another example of interesting premise, poor execution. Have a good day, guys.

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Cameron's Ponyville Misadventures

He sat in his favorite spot on the floor, reading the next story for his review. His mind boggled at the sheer terror of the story he was reading. The piss poor characters and the terrible pacing seemed to make this story longer than most he’d read. He started praying for something to take him from this story and distract him long enough to keep his sanity.

Suddenly, as if some golden god had heard his silent prayer, a knock came at the door. Who the hell could that be? He picked himself off the ground and made his way to the front door. He stepped to the side of the door, hiding behind it as he opened it. The last time he opened the door for a stranger, he got socked in the snout by an anthropomorphic freak. He wasn’t about to let that happen again.

He slowly opened the door, staying as close to the door as he could, keeping his face hidden. He waited until a single stallion trotted into the room. The stallion glanced around him as if looking for something. “Um… hello?”

Critique tackled the stallion to the floor. The brown package the stallion had been carrying flew across the floor. Critique pinned the stallion to the floor. “Who are you?!” he shouted. “What are you doing in my house?!”

“Sir,” Computer replied. “He is a delivery pony! He is just bringing a package!”

The stallion, his eyes widened and sweat coming from his face, nodded, shaking his head up and down several times. “Please listen to the strange voice coming from the walls.”

Critique glared at the stallion on the ground, examining his uniform. It certainly looked like a delivery pony. He looked at his face again, the stallion was shaking as he tilted his head back, as if he was trying to get away from him.

Critique moved away from him. “Alright.” Then he pointed to him. “But don’t think I’m not watching you!”

The stallion reached for his saddlebag, pulling out a paper and pen. “I-I just need you to sign this.”

Critique ripped the paper from the stallion’s grip and examined it. It was a simple shipping paper, containing an agreement for him to claim the package. Critique stole the pen from the stallion and quickly signed his name.

He held out the pen and paper when he finished. The stallion snatched them from him and darted for the doorway. As the stallion disappeared from sight, the Critique closed the door to his house. “I wonder what the hell his problem was?”

“Sir, you attacked him,” Computer responded.

The Critique made his way to the brown package on the floor and looked up. “He was trespassing!”

“You opened the door for him!” The Critique figured if Computer had eyes, they would be glaring at him.

“Details.” He looked at the shipping label to and read it carefully, curious as to who would send him a package. The label stated that it came from Canterlot. He began tearing off the tape to the package, allowing him to open it. His mouth dropped as he revealed what was inside. “Oh, yes!”

He pulled out the shotgun from its confines and smiled. “Oh, baby! This is a beauty!” He closely examined it. “I could do some major damage with this bad boy!” Suddenly, Computer’s robotic arm emerged from the wall and stole the shotgun from Critique. The Critique’s mouth dropped as he watched Computer pulled the shotgun into the wall. “Hey, give that back!”

“I am sorry, sir, but I do not trust you with a weapon like this.”

Critique narrowed his brow, insulted by the Computer’s comment. “What the hell?! I’m perfectly trustworthy!”

Computer would have surely rolled her eyes, if she had any. “Princess Celestia does not trust you with a dangerous weapon and rightfully so. That is why this has taken so long.”

Critique tilted his head and raised his eyebrow. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“For the past three weeks, I have been in contact with Princess Celestia. I have been trying to convince her to allow you the use of a firearm.” Critique shook his head and painted a look of disbelief on his face. “She was incredibly reluctant, due to your impulsiveness. However, I did finally manage to convince her, so long as you promised to use it responsibly.”

Critique scoffed. “I would use it responsibly!”

“So you would not use it on the neighbor’s dogs that constantly keep you up at night?”

Critique was silent for a moment. He glanced to the left and then to his right, as if he was looking for somepony to answer the question. “To be fair, I’d be doing this part of the city a public service.”

“Sure you would, sir.”

Critique threw his hooves in the air and shouted at the ceiling. “Oh, come on! They’re annoying as shit!”

“No. I promised Princess Celestia you would not abuse this weapon. You are going to keep my word, even if I must force it on you.”

Critique grumbled under his breath, calling Computer despicable names he could come up with. He slunk back to his spot on the ground, turning his attention back to his book. Maybe tearing this story apart will make me feel better.

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Ah, human in Equestria stories. What is it about these stories that make them so popular? Or rather unpopular? See, we get a ton of these kinds of stories. Most of them are terrible. However, there are a few that are quite good, with the human character being relatable, but still able to treat the canon with respect while still giving us a good story.

A story that not only doesn’t need to involve a romance with a pony character, but it shows both the good and bad sides of Equestria, without shoving either one down our throats as well as the human side of things, showing that the human world isn’t as bad as it would seem to be.

This story is not one of them, but every Human in Equestria cliché a writer can come up with. So, let’s see how ‘original’ this story can be. This is Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures by Cam187

So, we get our start of the story in first person. Oh, boy. An amateur writer writing in first person. You know this is going to suck.

Now, I’m not saying that nobody should ever write in first person or that a story should never be in first person. That’s stupid. There are some very good stories that follow that format. Hell, even a second person view can be interesting if done correctly.

However, a first person view can be very difficult to do. Which is why is easier for a young writer to start with third person. First person requires that only the person telling the story knows anything, and you can only sum up the reactions of the person telling the story.

Second person is similar in many ways, but differently. It is not often used, but it can still be used in a good story. Examples being, Choose your own adventure stories or roleplaying stories. But again, it is hard to do.

Third person view is by far the easiest for new writers, as you are an omnipresent force that sees all and hears all. You know everything going on and are able to tell the story with all the knowledge and without worrying about what a single character knows. (though there are rules that can limit a third person perspective, but I won’t get into that)

The point is, if you are a new writer and don’t have a lot of experience, a first person narrative is not a good starting point. I know there are some writers who can pull it off, but you can’t just assume you are one of them!

Anyway, we are introduced to Cameron (his name isn’t actually revealed, but we all know his name from the title) coming home from school, proclaiming that it sucked.

Yes, because our educational system is flawed. Teachers need to be paid better!

Actually, he starts complaining because he is getting bullied at school. Just like most bronies, but we’ll get into that.

As a 13-Year-Old, it's pretty tough getting bullied at school. Especially in middle school.

And what kind of bullying did our esteemed hero have to go through? What kind of torment did our bullies put him through? What troubles and perils did he face on a day to day basis?

Yeah, I have no idea… The story doesn’t make it clear what happened or what he is being bullied for. There is no explanation as to why this kid gets bullied or even what his tormentors do to him. So, we can’t connect to this character, because there is nothing solid for us to believe other than “I’m the writer and you better believe what I tell you.”

No. And I certainly won’t until you give me some solid evidence!

Anyway, we see how much of an emo Cameron is when he whines about how his life is soooo terrible!

"I'm so freakin' tired of people bullying me," I said to myself. "Why me? Why do I have glasses? Why am I the attention-grabber? Why am I such an easy target?" I almost shouted in frustration.

Hey, don’t dis the specs! Mares dig the specs!

Trust him. He’s the doctor.

So, anyway Cameron decides to go to bed and that’s the end of the prologue. And it’s not even 400 words long. Yeah, I’ve seen grocery lists that had more words on them then this prologue.

And we get a nice author’s note.

Author's Note:

This is my first FiM story, so PLEASE don't judge me.

Unwritten law of art: You reveal it, you open it to criticism. And guess what my name means?

We start Chapter 2 with our first human in Equestria cliché. A dream sequence gives us the transition to Equestria. And let’s play the Human in Equestria Drinking Game. Every time you see a cliché of these types of stories, take a shot!

He wakes up and finds out he’s not in Kansas anymore. (So honestly, who doesn’t know where the reference comes from? I promise I won’t make fun of you. Too much). He takes a look around and sees plants and animals that aren’t familiar to him. He doesn’t bother to explain what they look like as he doesn’t care what they look like. He then spots a group of mysterious creatures that chase after him. He attempts to escape but gets caught by the wolf-like creatures.

Character being attacked by Timberwolves or other creature in the forest of Everfree. Though we only wish the creatures would kill them and shorten the story.

Oh, that makes this shit storm more bearable.

However, he is rescued by a mysterious Pegasus before he passes out. He wakes up in a tent… which makes no sense as we will see… as he looks around and see our main heroes.

Cameron takes seeing six multi-colored talking ponies and a talking zebra extremely well.

Character just accepts that there are multi-colored talking ponies and talking zebras with no build up or otherwise.

And then… oh god… Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

Sir, are you alright?

I’m good. … I’m good. I can handle a little alcohol.

"Even though we don't know who you are, you seem to have a very big heart." She spoke, in a rhyme.

Spoke in a rhyme? You mean ‘are’ and ‘heart’? No. Just no. Jesus, you are making the Zecora from Enter the Ninja look like a more realistic. And that’s no small feat believe me.

And another thing, how the hell do they know he has a big heart or that he is even kind or generous or helpful or nonthreatening to anyone else? They just met him! They know nothing about him! They don’t know anything about him, other than that he was being chased by Timberwolves. Does being chased by Timberwolves automatically make him a good person?!

Do bad guys have the power to just control all the evil monsters in the world or something? Because that is incredibly stupid!

Main characters trust this character even though he/she has given absolutely no reason to do so.

… Is the room spinning or is that just me?

So the characters, who, once again, completely trust this stranger who has just appeared and they know absolutely nothing about, befriend him and ask what his name is while introducing themselves.

"Howdy, Cameron." She said to me.

"Hi AJ."

… Wait a minute, why the hell would you call her AJ? You don’t know anything about these characters. You don’t know anything about their nicknames! You have never seen these characters before in your life, so how did you come up with that nickname so fast? I know that’s what many fans called her, but if you are a fan of the show, why did you need them to introduce themselves?

Twilight looked at me. "Okay. I'll take you to Princess Celestia. She can help us."

I got up. "Okay, Twi. Lead the way."

So, I guess that, this person is so ‘obviously’ trustworthy that Twilight agrees to take him to Celestia instead of figuring out the problem herself. Because hey, why should Twilight try to figure out what he is and how he got here, when you can just send him to Celestia and hope he isn’t a plot from some villain to assassinate Celestia?

That makes perfect sense!

We then get probably the funniest author’s note I’ve ever seen in my life. It is to best of all time. I mean it guys. This is the best author’s note I’ve ever seen! And I’m not just saying that because I’m tipsy.

Author's Note:

Chapter 2 is up!

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So, they get Cameron to Celestia’s castle and apparently, everypony is okay with a strange creature waltzing around with no explanation, but hey, I’m too tipsy to care.

Celestia starts to talk to Cameron and asks Twilight Sparkle to leave.

"Twilight, my faithful student, can you leave us for a moment?"

Bow-chicka-bow-wow!  Ha, ha… that’s the alcohol talking.

Twilight, oddly enough, agrees to just being tossed aside by Princess Celestia for this random stranger who has done nothing, said nothing and pretty much will amount to nothing. Anyway, Cameron starts to explain that he simply appeared in Equestria and has no idea where he is. Wait, the main 6 didn’t explain it to him while he was on his way to Canterlot?

"Well, Cameron, my faithful student…I think you already know her."

"Was it Twilight Sparkle?"

"Yes, thanks for correcting me.

Wait, what?! I’m drunk! I didn’t catch that the first time! *hic*

"Well, Cameron, my faithful student…I think you already know her."

"Was it Twilight Sparkle?"

"Yes, thanks for correcting me.

What the hell?! Are you saying that Princess Celestia can’t remember what her student’s name is? You mean the student who she has been teaching ever since she got her cutie mark?! Are you serious?! I’m drunk and this makes no f-f-fucking sense! Geez, what did Twilight do to piss her off?

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So, Celestia explains that Twilight was working on a new spell that accidently brought Cameron to Equestria. Cameron asks about Celestia’s power over the sun after looking at her cutie mark.

Heh, he’s looking at Celestia’s ass… Though to be fair, Celestia’s got a sweet ass…

Oh, yeah… shake, baby.

That’s the alcohol talking! That’s not me!

However, Celestia explains that she has the power to raise the sun every morning and that her sister has the power to raise the moon.

I thought about that moon "hings" I saw earlier. "Wait…you mean the blue one?"

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Every time he is supposed to say ‘horn’ or ‘wings’ on one of the ponies, he calls them ‘hinges’. Why? What is even the point of that? Why not just say horn or wings? Why do you have to add hinges?! I know it’s in first person, but is that really the best you could come up with? Hell, limbs would have been a more accurate term!

So, anyway, Celestia explains that it may take months for them to find a way to get Cameron home and that the main 6 would be happy to help him settle into Ponyville. Why? Because he’s just so nice with the… half a day you’ve gotten to know him… And what do we really know about Cameron? What tells us what kind of person he is?

Well, he doesn’t like to be eaten by Timberwolves… Okay… He doesn’t like being dragged into other dimensions unexpectedly… Whatever… Oh! I know, he likes to sleep! I think we’ve got a well-rounded character here, all five of him, wouldn’t you agree?

Another great author’s note here, because I like making fun of them.

Author's Note:

Here's the third chapter! I hope you enjoy it!

Yeah… I’m not… at all. Also, back to your question of why you are such an easy target, you’re pacing is atrocious! Good God, this chapter was only 400 words long?! You could have easily stretched this sucker out to at least 4000 words, if not more. You could have gone into depth of what Cameron is seeing, feeling, thinking. Since this is his first introduction to the series of MLP, he should be having a very different reaction to what we are seeing.

Is popping into other dimensions with talking animals normal for him? Does he travel to a lot of Disney cartoons, like Bambi?

So, we get to chapter 4, which, unlike all the other chapters, doesn’t have a title to it. Why? I don’t know. You would think that if you were going to start with one thing, you would be able to finish up with it.

Apparently, a FEW WEEKS PASS! What the hell?! And apparently, in that time he is able to get to know the characters better as well as the characters learning more about him. How? There is nothing in this story that shows us how he is interacting with the characters! He never talks to them, never shares a conversation with them, he doesn’t even show us what he has done for the past few weeks! He tells us about it, but this is a story! Show us something!

So, after him sitting in Twilight’s house for a few weeks, I don’t know if that’s what actually happened but given the level of nonsense this story goes to, it wouldn’t surprise me, he decides to go outside and explore Ponyville for the first time.

Wait, you’ve been here for weeks and they haven’t even let you explore Ponyville. God, maybe you did lock yourself in Twilight’s basement and here I thought that was the alcohol talking.

So, she runs into three little fillies and greets them. The girls introduce themselves as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"You have your OWN club? Cool!" I cheerfully exclaimed to the three fillies. "I wish I was in the club…"

Oh, I’m sure you do, you sick, disgusting, piece of-

Sir, he’s only 13.

… Okay, I’ll let it slide this time, but I’ve got my eye on you.

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So, Cameron asks what cutie marks are and Apple Bloom responds…

"On our flanks are cutie marks. They are basically the talents of the ponies."

Just so you know, Cameron, I’ve got the police on stand-by. You make a move that I don’t like, your ass is mine!

Anyway, the Cutie Mark Crusaders take off, probably to be a part of much better stories, and another filly comes into the picture. Babs Seed.

That seems kind of random. Why wasn’t she with Cutie Mark Crusaders?  Why the hell is she in this story? What the hell makes her so invaluable to the plot that she just happens to appear out of nowhere? Because as we will see, she is useless to the overall plot of the story!

Babs Seed asks if Cameron happens to have a crush on anypony. … Why the hell would you ask a complete stranger that question? That’s pretty personal, isn’t it? But of course, Cameron is completely trustworthy by his complete… blandness… and tells Babs that he has a crush on Fluttershy.

Yes, that is completely justifiable. You two have great chemistry in the … what? … Three or four sentences you two shared together. Yeah, that’s really believable, because you know, love works like that! Barely a conversation in and you know it is meant to be.

Forced romantic interest! That’s a cliché in every human in Equestria story! Drink up!

And… t-then we… because t-that’s how love works… because of… Shit… what the f-f-fuck am I drinking?

Anyway, Babs runs off and we see Diamond Tiara bullying Apple Bloom.

I walked to her, and that's when I saw Diamond Tiara. God, I hate her!

Hate her? You don’t even fucking know her! How could you claim to hate a character you don’t even know anything about?! The problem with this story is it keeps switching between past tense and present tense! Another reason why first person is usually not a good idea for an amateur writer, because then you get results like this! He tells us that he’s going to be walking through Ponyville ‘today’, but he then reacts as if he’s seen Diamond Tiara before even though he’s never mentioned her until ‘today’!

And another thing, why does Diamond Tiara always get portrayed as a bully with no redeemable qualities whatsoever? She’s a fucking little kid, guys! She’s not Sombra who oppressed an entire nation, she’s a little kid! She’s a brat and gets her just desserts, but my god, there is no justification in this story!

"HEY!" I yelled at her. "LEAVE HER ALONE!"

Oh, sh-shiz juz got realz-z-z!

So, Cameron chases off Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom thanks him. He then says that he wants to find Fluttershy to talk to her. Most likely so they can ‘build on’ the relationship they so well established!

And another author’s note because… let’s face it; they get funnier with each chapter.

Author's Note:

Chapter 4! Finally, a chapter mentioning the CMC, and Babs Seed!

That’s right. Babs Seed and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are in all of one chapter. Why? All to establish that Cameron has a crush on Fluttershy! Could this have been done another way? Gee, let’s think about that. Maybe actually showing him interacting with Fluttershy instead of telling us that ‘she was nice to him’. Big freaking woop! What does nice mean? Did she say ‘Hi’ to him when he was walking down the street and that’s what he considers ‘nice’?

“Well, everyone who watches the show knows she’s nice!”

Not the freaking point! The point is I shouldn’t have to be told Fluttershy is nice. If this is my first introduction to the character, I wouldn’t believe she was nice, because there is no evidence of that any pony would consider her nice!

In chapter 5, we get this wonderful image planted into my mind.

WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of sexual intercourse. If this offends you, don't read.

Oh, we are so screwed…

So Fluttershy and Cama… Camelle? … I can’t remember his name at the moment… So, I’m gonna call him Human-guy. Human-guy and Fluttershy start talking until sunset (I use the term talking lightly since we never see what their conversation is about.)

He then invites her to his house (How the hell do you have a house? Did you build it out of rocks just like Thunder-Ice or something? Does it have a holographic projection room too?!) and promises to tell her everything about Earth.

"S-So…how's it like in…Earth?" She asked me.

"Well…" I began. I couldn't really describe it. "…it's pretty much the same here, but with humans. I mean, I did get beat up often."

Yeah, we have our farm animals talk to us.  They tell us about their feelings and stuff like that! Oh, and the weather, we run everything in our weather factories! And since the animals can’t take care of themselves, we provide food and shelter and everything they need! And our president raises the sun and moon every day and every night. The human world is basically like Equestria!

… I’m starting to think the author was as drunk as I am when he wrote this.

Also, great job describing Earth, pal! You describe it about as well as you describe your story. Horrible!

"C-Cameron…" She looked into my eyes. "…I-I like you, too." She then pulled me close and kissed me. I slowly closed my eyes and kissed back. We pulled away. She gently placed her hoof on my cheek.

"I love you, Cameron…" She said to me, her cheeks as red as roses.

2 conversations! 2 conversations and they are so desperately in love that they know they are meant for each other! I think that’s how it works, right?! Who needs character progression and the ups and downs of a relationship and character building and all that other bullshit that is needed when interacting with another, when you can just say “Fuck it! We’re in love! No reason needed!”

It surely would have worked on Casablanca, right?

So, then… I think… they have sex… I don’t know it’s not described very well and it’s incredibly brief. Like I’m not even kidding on this… 160 words. 160 words?! That’s all you could do with an incredibly physical and emotional scene like this! My god, I’ve read first grade English papers that put more effort into it! Really? 160 words is all that you can come up with!

They aren’t even good words that fill the sensations. He just says that …

She slowly got on top of me and slid myself in her 'love tunnel'.

On top of that, he’s only 13 years old! I know that there are some countries the age of consent is varied, but my god, 13 years of age and he’s having sex! I’m not sure what nationality he’s from because it’s never revealed, but I’m pretty sure (I’m, again, assuming based of his name) that he’s American.

Plus, he’s having sex with a pony! I know you’re both mammals, but my god, there’s got to be something about human and equine biology that makes that impossible! (Again, not an expert here).

Oh by the way, human in Equestria cliché, having sex with one of the main cast.

And then… Oh, god…

And then, we get to chapter 6 where Fluttershy and Human-guy go into Ponyville after the night of sex. They are then attacked by Nightmare Moon.

Luna, are you using the false teeth again?

Damn Luna, that’s fucking awesome… Have I told you you’re my favorite princess?

So, Human-guy decides to stand up to Nightmare Moon and challenge her. He threatens her to disappear or he will make her.

Nightmare Moon refuses … and then disappears shortly after.

Huh? You should probably try the fangs again, Luna. You were more intimidating that way.

Anyway, Celestia approaches Human-guy and asks that he be their only hope at stopping Nightmare Moon… Holy shit! That makes perfect sense!

I mean, I know why Celestia can’t go to Twilight and her friends, who have faced Nightmare Moon before! I know why Celestia can’t gather up the Elements of Harmony to banish the evil within Nightmare Moon! I get it! It all makes perfect sense now! I finally figured out what the author was trying to tell us!  The answer is…

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Thank you, Pinkie Pie… *hic*

Now we can move on knowing the truth in our hearts…

Anyway, Human-guy is afraid to go challenge Nightmare Moon, even though he just stood up to her, but hey, we have to have some forced drama in this story. It’s about the only thing that hasn’t been completely forced yet. Celestia explains that he won’t be going alone and the others will join him to find the Elements of Harmony.

Wait, doesn’t Celestia keep them in a safe… oh, fuck it. I’m too drunk to care.

Before we know it, we were off.

I know, right? It’s literally the next sentence.

So, they start to head to Canterlot and Shining Armor’s castle? Wait, I didn’t know Shining Armor had his own castle. When the fuck did he get that?! If that’s the case, maybe Cadence didn’t marry him for love. But she can marry me for love, any time…

What can I say? You’re my favorite princess… *hic*

So, I guess they start to travel there by hoof, which brings up the question, why are they not riding a train or something? It would probably get them there faster! What? Did Nightmare Moon rig all the train stations or something?

Anyway, because they are traveling through the forest, they are attacked by Timberwolves. Seriously, there are other creatures in Equestria that can kill you. Why are you sticking with Timberwolves? Did they kill your parents or something?!

:trixieshiftleft: After her parents’ death at the claws of the Timberwolf when she was a child, Trixie vowed to avenge them! She trained in all magical ways to become the very thing that Timberwolves feared the most. The Chainsaw! Fear itself! I am the lumber mare!

Anyway, they fight off the Timberwolves, in one incredibly boring fight scene, but one of the Timberwolves bite into Human-guy’s neck.

He’s dead… He’s totally dead. Totally dead. No way he’s recovering from that. He’s totally dead. No way he’s going to recover from…

When my vision came back in, I was in a room that had a bed in it, which I was on. I slowly got up, looking around the room. There was nothing except windows.

Yeah. Of course. Because a Timberwolf, biting into your neck, with you bleeding all over your body, would totally not kill you.

I mean, look at that thing…

Fucking wuss.

Anyway, he wakes up in Canterlot and meets with Shining Armor.

"Twilight told me all about you. Tough past?"

… I would make a speech about how he hasn’t once mentioned anything about his past, but… I just want to make it through this story with enough alcohol in my system to make me forget it all.

So, they say that Human-guy is the chosen one and how only he can save Equestria and blah, blah, blah, let’s just take another shot for ponies can’t do anything and are incompetent making this character necessary to them.

Anyway, they leave Shining Armor’s castle without any of the Elements of Harmony, making me wonder what the fucking point of going there was to begin with. And where the fuck was Cadence? Was she just not good enough to be in this story?

She’s good enough to be in… *hic* … any day of the week…

So, I know a lot of you are probably asking, “Wait, isn’t Shining Armor supposed to be in the Crystal Empire?”

And you’re completely right. However, it is possible that the author of this story could have not seen the two part-er about the Crystal Empire.

But, it’s unlikely because we introduced Babs Seed, 3 chapters ago! So it makes even less sense of why they didn’t arrive at the Crystal Empire!

Okay, let’s just say for the sake of argument, they did end of in the Crystal Empire and the author was just too lazy to say so.

Why the hell, then, were the main six traveling by foot?! Why don’t they take the train?! Do they not allow Human-guy on the train?! And last I checked the Crystal Empire; there wasn’t exactly a forest near them!

So they finally arrive at Nightmare Moon’s castle, which they somehow know it is Nightmare Moon’s castle, because of the spooky surroundings. Or it could be somepony who is really into the gothic look, but I doubt our author is that clever.

Then there were ponies behind us that had...ant-like jaws...oh great...now this! Ant ponies, oh boy!

"Changelings!" Shining Armor shouted.

Wait, so Changelings are similar to ants?

Where the hell did you get that conclusion?

So, Shining Armor and his men hold off the changelings (which still makes no sense how Nightmare Moon hired them or anything) and our ‘heroes’ are able to infiltrate Nightmare Moon’s castle.

They get into the castle, but find that it is too dark to see. But fortunately, in the one pair of pants that Human-guy brought (that I assume he hasn’t changed out of sine there is no mention of other clothes going with him or clothes being made for him) and just happens to pull out a flashlight.

Wow! That is a lot to swallow, story! That is a lot to swallow! Do you just carry around flashlights in your pocket right before you go to bed? And you just happened to keep it in your pocket for several weeks?!

You know what… fuck this story… I don’t care… Let’s just finish it…

So they approach Nightmare Moon, but Nightmare Moon has prepared for them.

Then we noticed the floor glowing around us. "Let's see if you survive the Distorted Dimension!" She laughed very loudly, as the floor beneath our feet opened, and we fell in a dark abyss.

… What the fuck? … Sorry, I don’t think the alcohol is having any effect on me… Because this makes no fucking sense…  Excuse me for a moment…

Nope… didn’t help…

Also, another great author’s note…

Author's Note:

Sorry this was a bit rushed. I'm just thinking randomly, because  I wrote this close to midnight, and I was a bit tired.

Oh, don’t worry about this chapter being rushed… This whole fucking story has been rushed as shit!

So, they wake up in a red cave where Human-guy (for some reason) is outside of a cage while the main 6 are locked inside one. I guess, Nightmare Moon doesn’t consider this guy a threat… that or she’s just stupid.

Human-guy walks over to the cage and… just opens it… Apparently, the main 6’s weakness is unlocked cages since we never see Human-guy unlock it with a key or lock pick or anything like that.

And while we are down here in this cave, let’s get some descriptions of it.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a red cave. I got up and looked around. It looked...unsettling.

I kept walking until I came across a doorway...with no door. This place seemed messed up, for some reason. Blend unsettling, eerie, and startling together, and you get a very messed up place.

this place was VERY creepy.

Steven King’s got nothing on this level of description!

We walked to the right,and entered a room that had black stallions with red eyes and hooves.

Oh, look black and red Alicorns! That’s in every human in Equestria story!

… Wait, what? … That only counts if that’s the main character? … Are you sure?

… Okay, fine. I just really wanted a drink…

So, they have a 30 word chase scene with the ‘bloody hooves’ as they’re called and manage to escape them. Making them, completely pointless.

So, they teleport back to Nightmare Moon’s castle. Don’t ask the story’s almost over.

Nightmare Moon attacks Human-guy severely injuring him. He starts to die when Twilight says they can use the Elements of Harmony to revive him.

Pulling bullshit out of the author’s ass to save the human character. This calls for another shot.

Ah, that’s the *hic* good stuff…

So, they beat Nightmare Moon with some bullshit about the seventh element… Which totally calls for another shot…

And Celestia tells Human-guy that he needs to go back to his home world. He says his goodbyes and then suddenly is back home. … Yeah, that whole months thing that Celestia said probably was going to take. She was just trolling with him. She could have sent him back anytime, but then would he have had Fluttersex? No, he wouldn’t have and this story would have been better if he didn’t.

So in the Epilogue, we see him return to his mundane life, but finds a note in his jacket that Fluttershy left for him. I would question how Fluttershy manage to get it into his jacket and know that he was leaving and have time to write it and place it in his jacket without knowing, but this fucking story is finally… oh fuck…

Sir, are you alright?

… I shouldn’t have had that last shot…

What are you talking about, sir?

Oh, I’m just playing the… Human in Equestria cliché drinking game.

Sir, that’s the most dangerous game in the world! It has had more casualties than Chicken and Russian Roulette put together! Ponies stronger than you have died playing that!

Have I ever told you… how sexy that voice is?

That’s the alcohol talking, sir.

The f-f-fuck it is…

This story is stupid!

It is every human in Equestria story cliché under the sun and that’s not a good thing. It makes it simple, predictable, boring as hell and uninteresting.

Human-guy is the blandest piece of bread in existence. If this is how exciting you get, your life must be pretty dull. We learn absolutely nothing about his character, his personality and anything else that makes a good character other than “He’s the chosen one” bullshit. And not even that went anywhere. What was he chosen to do? What purpose did he serve? Nothing. Other than Fluttersex, he did nothing. He was a waste of a character.

I guess the only thing it did right was it was mercifully short. Hell, the review is longer than the actual story. This story is terrible, with its bad pacing, bad story, bad characters, bad plot and just the thing we have seen a million times in the past…

Now, if you’ll excuse me… I need to…

The Elements Vs Their Fierest Enemies

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Well, it is about time to see another crappy fan fiction. So, what’s it going to be today?

… Fuck my life.

Yes, this is going to be a crappy story about crappy OCs. My god, how is it OC’s are hard to create?! Okay, I take it back. OC’s are easy to create.  Throw shit together and call it a character. A good OC is infinitely harder. It takes time and preparation and actually devotion to them.

Maybe not too much devotion where they become your god, but a little more than this story gave us! And the pacing! The un-godly-awful pacing of this story! It feels like this story is on coke and energy drinks!

God, I just read the entire thing by the time this intro was finished. And I got to tell you, it’s bad! It’s horrible! It’s horrendous! And you’re all going to go through the exact same pain I went through! This is The Elements Vs Their Fiercest Enemies by RainbowDashrules95

It was a bright and sunny morning.

Bored already.

The main six are in a park having a picnic when all of a sudden Spike should show up with a letter from Celestia.

Dear Twilight,

In Canterlot, There Is A Huge Chrisis Going On. The Changelings Are Back And Badder Than Ever! I Need You To Use The Elements Of Harmony And Defeat The Changelings And Queen Chrysalis Before Things Get Out Of Hand. I Await Your Arrival,

Signed,

Princess Celestia

If I Capitalize All The Words In My Letter, It Makes Me Look Like I Have An Idea Of What I Am Doing!

Oh, yeah and letter is so poorly written. Would you ever think that Celestia would use the phrase “badder”? Unless she is a huge fan of George Thorogood.

Also, wouldn’t you want to include exactly how the Changelings are “badder?” What does that imply? Are they giants? Do they have laser beams from their eyes? Did they start a metal band? What does “badder” mean?!

"Oh No! Lets go girls! We Need To Get To Canterlot Immediately!" Twilight said with fear.

It’s a good thing my audience is so stupid that I have to be telling them that Twilight is in fear and not describing one’s actions that would indicate fear. I’m so smart for telling how Twilight feels. Also, usually saying “said with emotion” is the sign of an amateur writer.

"Can I come too?" Spike asked.

"No Spike, you should stay here." Twilight replied.

"Oh come on, I never get to come on these missions!"

It’s because I’m not a pony, isn’t it? Why do I get cut from every single story? I’m one of the main characters for Celestia’s sake!

They arrive at the train station, but the train manager tells them that a train won’t be available until tomorrow.

"It's alright. Thank you."

Wrong! That is not the reaction you should have to this kind of problem! You have Changelings in Canterlot that are probably tearing it apart, since they are “badder”, whatever the hell that means! She should be panicking and asking the train manager if there is anything he can do, explaining the situation to him in the process.

Agreed, there might be nothing he can do, but this is not the reaction I would expect from Twilight, given her experience with Queen Chrysalis!

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Now that was more accurate.

So, the girls come up with the “brilliant” idea of walking on the tracks to get to Canterlot. Rarity, just like every bad fan fiction, has to bitch about it first.

"And get my hoof's dirty?! I don't think so!" Rarity complained.

Yes, because she would never put aside her own happiness for the sake of others. That would be the generous and selfless thing to do. I’m so glad her element isn’t generosity. Oh wait… IT FUCKING IS!

Also, the way this is written, it’s like the hoof has possession of the dirty. Does Rarity’s hoof have possession over all dirt?

:raritycry: It’s both a blessing and a curse!

Anyway, they finally agree to travel to Canterlot by hoof, which begs the question of how long it would actually take them to get there. Wouldn’t it take less time to get to Canterlot by train than it would be on hoof? Hell, why doesn’t Rainbow Dash fly ahead to get an idea of what is happening? Or what about Twilight’s balloon? Or other balloons in the town? I’m sure that if you explained it to the citizens, they would give up whatever they could to stop the Changelings.

We’re only on chapter 2 and the characters are already acting stupid.

The girls ran down the tracks. After thirty minutes, they arrived at Canterlot.

Wait, if Canterlot was so close, why the hell did they even bother with the train?! Screw transportation, getting to Canterlot is like walking to the park!

Obviously, it’s just a hop, skip and a jump from Ponyville to Canterlot.

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So, they get to Canterlot and discover that it has been taken over. Yeah… Yeah, that’s never explained. Hell, there isn’t even a mention of how they took over Canterlot in a half hour. Twilight decides to disguise herself as a changeling to sneak into the castle and grab the Elements of Harmony.

She seen 2 of the changelings guarding the door. She stood next to one of them. She waited a few seconds, and Bucked the changeling next to her, then she bucked the other one. Both changelings were knocked out. She gave the signal to the girls, they ran in. Twilight opened the door, and took the Elements Of Harmony.

… I’m sorry. It’s just that… that sentence was so boring, I half fell asleep. You kind of see where the pacing problem is. There is absolutely no substance to the sentences. We get nothing of where they are, nothing about the environment, nothing about the characters and nothing about the emotions. It’s just stuff, stuff and stuff. And ironically, the incredibly rushed pacing makes this story a bore to sit through.

But let’s move on with this trash…

So, Twilight grabs the Elements of Harmony and gives them to her friends. The Changelings discover them, but find out they are too late.

"Everyone got them on?" Twilight asked.

Youtube Video

Thank you, Big Mac. Have a Big Mac.

So, I guess, they have a chase scene… I don’t know; see if you can figure it out.

They all stopped at the enterance seeing a bunch of Changelings at the door.

"We have to get out of here! Stand Around Me!!!" Twilight said with anger.

"Oh My Goodness Oh My Goodness!!!" Fluttershy said with fear.

Twilight used her horn and made a magic bubble shield.

"Okay, Lets get going! " Twilight said.

They ran with the bubble moving with them. Twilight's horn still glowing.

"There is too many of them!" Applejack yelled.

Yeah, pretty fucking confusing on the pacing, isn’t it? Sure as hell doesn’t let you know what the hell is going on. My god, I’ve read instruction manuals that made more sense!

Anyway, they finally manage to beat back the Changeling army with Twilight’s magic, making me wonder what the “badder” phrase was if they were easily taken down, as they make their way to the throne room, where Celestia is being held captive by Chrysalis.

Twilight and her friends use the Elements of Harmony and defeat Chrysalis. … Yeah, I bet you thought there was some intricate plan that Chrysalis had or that she had some kind of diabolical speech about how she was going to drain the love from Equestria or that she had this speech prepared about who she wants revenge on Twilight for defeating her. I mean, Celestia only had to explain that Chrysalis and her changelings were “badder” than ever, so one would think that they would actually have difficulties dealing with her.

Nope, she’s just there to get hit by the Elements of Harmony. Good god, she doesn’t even have a fucking line of dialogue in this story. All of the sudden she’s there, which you could barely tell since the only explanation we get that she’s even in the story is because Celestia tells us and BAM, Elements of Harmony send her away. What was even the point of including her in this story? Why did she need to be there? Was there seriously no other way this story could have been crafted without Chrysalis? Did you lose a bet to her or something?

Chrysalis: So, you agreed to have me in your next fan fiction as per our bet. I’m dying to hear what kind of scheme I’m going to be hatching.

Author: Well, I think you’ll enjoy it Miss Chrysalis. In this story, you plan an invasion of Canterlot.

Chrysalis: Oh, yes. Tell me more.

Author: Well, Twilight Sparkle comes with the Elements of Harmony and stops you.

Chrysalis: Yes, but I do have a brilliant plan to make it difficult for her, right?

Author: Well… no. That’s pretty much all you do.

Chrysalis: Wait, so I’m there just to be shot out of Canterlot?

Author: Pretty much.

Chrysalis: Well, do I at least give a speech about how “I’ll have my revenge” or something resembling that?

Author: Actually, you don’t even have a line of dialogue and you are completely forgotten about afterwards.

Chrysalis: … I should have just stuck with the pink fluffy thing.

Anyway, after Chrysalis is fired from the story, along with logic, we get an introduction the real main villains of the story, the Pain Six.

The Pain Six? Seriously, that was the best name you could come up with? Was the Baddy Bunch already taken? I mean, I get why you did it, but come on… We are supposed to take these guys seriously? They sound like a heavy metal band. Just add two more sixes on there to make it more official.

Good Work Applehack, your hacking skills did it again." Said the dark-purple pony.

"Applehack, What Is This?!" said Applejack with anger.

"Thank you Dark Sparkle." "What?!" "WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!" Twilight ordered.

"Ah, Princess Celestia, or should I say Dead Celestia!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW ME??!!"

Oh, god, where do I begin? … Okay first of all, the pacing is fucking terrible! What are these characters doing?! What is going through the mind of the characters in the room?! How did these characters come to be?! What is the response of the characters to what is going on?

Second, we aren’t even told what they are doing, so they feel like a bunch of severed heads, spitting out their lines! Give them some actions! Talking head syndrome does not need to be a part of an action story! Especially an action scene!

Third, who the hell is talking? Half the time I’m just guessing who is talking! If there were just two ponies in the room, it would be easier! But there are 13 characters in the room! It’s kind of necessary to make sure the audience knows who is talking, otherwise it becomes confusing for the readers!

Four, why do you have all caps for some of their dialogue? Is conveying emotion so difficult for you that you can’t say that they are yelling or shouting or something?!

Dear lord, it only gets increasingly worse from here!

"Well, We are the Pain 6, I'm Dark Sparkle, This pink little fella is Painkey Pie, This is the bad and horrifying Slaughtershy, This the ugly Scarity, and this the baddest pony Applehack."

Okay, I know they are supposed to be play-on words of the Main Six, but dear lord are these names stupid! Seriously? Painkey Pie? That’s the best pun you have? Why don’t you try … Skankie Pie?... Um…  Rankie Pie? … um… Stankie Pie? Okay, maybe it’s not that easy making up new names, but come on, Painkey Pie?

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, This is Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, And Rainbow Dash."

:twilightsmile:Nice to meet you, ponies who are clearly not good ponies, considering your names. I’m sure we’ll be the best of friends.

:ajbemused: ‘Oh, they’re fine,’ you said. ‘They’re totally legit,’ you said.

:twilightangry2: I can’t always be right!

So, after exchanging business cards, Celestia says probably the dumbest thing this story has… No, the dumbest thing ever written for Celestia to say. Period.

"Twilight, Use Your Elements Of Harmony, They Seem Bad." Said Princess Celestia.

They SEEM bad? They SEEM bad?! Were you even listening to their names?! Do I have to spell it out for you or something? Hold up a big sign that says “These ponies are clearly evil”?! Slaughtershy seems bad? Oh, yeah, you should totally trust the person who is named after the killing of others. That pony would be totally trustworthy!

Like Carnage!

Don’t let the name, murderous behavior, and the fact that he is about to kill off Spider-Man fool you, he’s a very gentle soul.

So, they attempt to use the Elements of Harmony on the Pain 6, seriously I need a better name for them, however, the Pain 6 just laugh off their attempt. It doesn’t exactly explain why the Elements of Harmony don’t work, but whatever, we have poorly written fight scene to get to.

Oh, and when I say poorly written, I mean the worst I have ever seen and with the resume of stories I’ve seen in the past, that’s saying something. Take a look at this.

Twilight tried every magic spell to stop Dark Sparkle or get rid of her but none of them work, so Twilight hoofed her, then bucked her. Dark Sparkle was knocked out.

Good god, I’ve read about paint drying that was more action packed than this! Seriously, that’s how bad these action scenes are, I would rather watch paint dry than read about this story. In fact, I think I will.

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God, that was exciting! That was awesome! I mean, that paint could really dry! Oh, god, that was great! That was beautiful…

Oh fuck, I’m back here.

So, they fight off the Pain in my ass Six with Fluttershy using her assertiveness skills to defeat Slaughtershy. Why am I mentioning this and not every pony elses? You’re never going to believe this, but it’s a plot point. … Yeah, Fluttershy being assertive is a plot point. Just start getting ready to be utterly disappointed. Trust me, it’s so pointless, you’ll wonder why the author even mentions it.

Applehack opens a dimensional portal that sends them back to their world. Yeah, that’s never explained how she can just do that on a whim. We never learn anything more about them and we never get to see their world or why they invaded Twilight’s world, but who cares, the story is almost over!

Celestia congratulates the Main Six, particularly Fluttershy. Why? Well, because Fluttershy learned to stand up for herself against her opposite and that… for some reason, made them all run away. Yeah… pretty fucking stupid, huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Fluttershy. She’s my favorite character, but what was the fucking point of that?! What did Fluttershy do that made the difference?! As I recall, Twilight knocked her opponent out with ease, Applejack took down her opponent and Rarity took down her’s. Four of the Six took down their opponent and only one of them gets all the praise?! What kind of messed up, perverted vision do you have, pal?!

If Fluttershy’s your favorite, fine. More power to you. But at least make it justified why Fluttershy gets all the fame! This way makes no sense when there are other ponies who did the exact same thing! God, the only thing missing from this story is an OC to tell her how awesome she is and how she gives the best sex around! That would make this shitstorm complete!

So, we get the last minute, tagged on, bullshit message of the story.

"Yes I did. I learned that if you are in great danger, your friends would be there for you, even the ones that are brave enough to stop all the danger no matter how scared they are."

Fuck you, story.

And then Celestia starts to say good-bye. You would think this would be the end, but no, it insists on going.

Um, Girls, 3 things."

"Yes Princess?" They all said.

"First off, I need you to put back the elements of harmony, Second, Do you girls need a ride?"

No, they don’t. It took them a half hour to get to Canterlot on hoof. I don’t think they need any kind of transportation.

“Sad news is there is not enough room for all of you to sit in the carriage, just 4 of you."

"Well, two of us are pegasai."

"True Rainbow Dash.

What? Is Celestia deaf, blind and stupid?! What the fucking hell is wrong with her in this story?!

So, they finally all go home and live happily ever after. The End.

Ah, cute. That gave me all kinds of emotions… Mostly relief… Relief that I will never have to read this story again.

This story is just bad!

I mean, don’t get me wrong, the premise is rather interesting. I really do think that the premise of an alternate six is not a bad one. I do think there is some possibilities with the story telling, characters and interactions with one another, both as a more serious piece and a comedic piece.

This was not one of them. It’s poorly written with bad spelling and grammar that I barely touched on. The pacing is horrible, the plot makes no sense, the Pain Six are non-entities and for their "fiercest enemies", they barely do anything, and it’s just an absolute bore to sit through. The action is sloppy and rushed, the characters aren’t given anything outside dialogue and it’s so ungodly rushed. The descriptions are piss poor at best and the whole Changeling thing was absolutely pointless, since it did nothing to further the plot.

Like I said, the idea is actually rather interesting to me. The execution leaves A LOT to be desired. Have a good day guys.

A Haze in Equestria

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a seventh Element of Harmony on the show?

… Of course you haven’t. That would be stupid.

But, let’s just say for the sake of the argument, that you did decide to do one, how would you go about doing it?  Well, how about making your character not only an Alicorn, not only falls in love with one of the major characters, not only gives off the best sex in the world, not only is the only hope Equestria has to stop a major threat, not only has a completely unlikeable personality and yet everypony wants to be with him, not only is the last of his kind, not only has more power than Discord and Celestia put together,  but also… name him completely unrelated to the color of his body.

Put it together and what do you got?

That’s right! A piece of dogshit that has nothing to offer us whatsoever. This is A Haze in Equestria by SilverHaze

Unlike most of the stories I’ve reviewed in the past, this actually stars an OC pony/alicorn. Yes, I’m sure I’ll get into more of those kinds of characters down the road. But this is a combination of all the tropes that you are most likely to see in these kinds of stories. And I’ll be honest, it doesn’t do any of them interestingly or well.

We’ve got a lot of story to cover so let’s take a look.

The Calm warm rays of Celestia's sun beated down upon the grand floating paradise of Alicornia,

Oh, god. Another place that is as bad as Unicornicopia! I can only stand Mykan for so long!

Actually, this is the magical land of Alicornia, where all the alicorns reside.

The Alicorns that lived there were a peaceful and kind race, that thought that all problems could be solved with friendship,

Until of course, they discovered the machine gun.

The author explains how each of the floating islands are named after each of the magical elements of the world. Kindness, Generosity, Loyalty and so on. Which is … really stupid. I mean, why would you name each of your islands like that? Do you have an island where all the bad ponies go called “Naughty”?

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God, that guy is creepy.

So, the author lets us know really early that we aren’t going to like this character. Like at all. No comparison whatsoever, the worst character in the story. The main character, Silver Haze.

Only one alicorn had ever been born to the island of Friendship, his name was Silver Haze.

Mostly because friendship was as far as anyone got in a relationship. If you love on the island of friendship, you were often stoned to death. Though I’m sure that’s not the only thing that was stoned, is it author?

He had a dark, raven black coat that simmered in the glistening moonlight. his long silky crimson red mane that made every other alicorn jealous, it waved defiantly in the wind of Alicornia.

Gee, I wonder if EVERY character is going to get the same descriptive treatment as our main character. I mean, the author wouldn’t honestly just play favorites with a single character and hope that the audience loves his character as much as he does, because you know, that’s how good writing works.

Haze was currently sitting in the Royal Banquet hall with his father (who wasn't really his dad because Alicorns just appear and are not born) the king of Alicornia, who took him as his son after he appeared on the island of Friendship.

Wait a minute! You just said that he was born! How did he just appear if he was born?! Did the sky pop him out her vagina?! What the fucking hell?! Consistency, you suck at it! It’s only the first fucking paragraph and already the story is disputing itself.

We are in for a wild ride, people!

Oh, and the king just picks him up as a child, for no reason at all. Now, you might be asking “Does it get explained later?” Ha, no! What? Did you think this would actually be a story that would try to give us something entertaining?! What gave you that idea?!

So, the king of Unicornicopia… Oh, sorry, Alicornia, begins a toast to his country and his son, the future king. But the celebration is cut short when a mysterious fog attacks the kingdom.

"SIR WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY SOME WEIRD FOG!"

The king stood up and started shouting orders "EVERY ALICORN FIGHT BACK! DO NOT LOSE ALICORNIA!"

King: SHOOT IT WITH OUR GUNS AND STUFF!

Soldier: But, sire don’t you want information on it or something? You’re not even going to ask where it is and what is it doing?

King: DO NOT QUESTION ME, DAMN YOU! JUST START SHOOTING AT IT!

The next few minuets were disorienting for Silver Haze, it was a jumble of screams and orders, slowly, the strange fog creatures were taking Alicornia, the news came slowly.

Oh, my god. This is the third week in a row that the fight scenes have been terrible! I know I’m not the best at fight scenes (Fantastic Four and Incredible Flutterhulk are prime examples), but come on! Show, don’t tell! Show us the fight! Explain what the hell is going on! Don’t just say “there was fighting and shit”! That doesn’t work!

Shameless self-promoting, sir? For shame.

Shut up.

"Sir! We just lost contact with Knowledge!"

Oh, trust me; you lost contact with them a loooong time ago. By the way, Knowledge? I don’t remember that being an Element of Harmony.

Laughter's Core was just destroyed!

Oh, my laughing core was destroyed by that last sentence, let me tell you.

The cloud continues to do damage to Alicornia as King Crown hopes to rally his troops.

King Crow began rationing what additional forces he had left.

Oh… My mistake, I thought you were King Crown. Apparently, this is his twin brother, King Crow, who looks exactly like him. Crow demands to know how many of his forces are left. One of the alicorns responses with details of the attack. Well, I say details, but it’s really just information we already know, with nothing about the fog or anything else.

The King doesn’t take it well, since his question wasn’t answered.

King crown growled in anger. " I said...how many troops do I have left."

Wait, where did King Crow go?! I thought he was asking how many troops they had. Did King Crow decide to ditch Alicornia?

Sir, if I may, I believe that King Crown and King Crow are the same character.

Oh, what do you know? It’s clear that King Crow is the better character.

The Alicorn Warmonger frowned. "Not many sir, We have a few Honesty Warmachines left.

Huh? I wonder what they use “Honesty Warmachines” for?

:ajbemused: You better give me the honest truth! Will I save money by switching to Geico?!

Kindness spear troopers have been sent over to try and hold the capital.

How do you “kindly” stab someone with a long pointy stick?

:fluttershysad: Um.. is it okay if I stab you repeatedly with my spear, spilling your guts all over the floor? I mean, if it’s not, that’s okay.

Besides, what good would a spear do against a freaking cloud?!

The Wise Alicorn king sighed, looking over the scale model battlefield set up in front of him.

This was not good.

He still had no idea how the battlefield model was set up in mere minutes. Frankly, he’s still depressed with his nation’s tactics against a gas like entity.

"I want you to open a hole in the fog, big enough so my son may retreat...he is the perfect one of our pepole...and he will be the one to carry on my great legacy."

He’s better than everypony that has ever existed since the dawn of any pony, ever! This pony who we know absolutely nothing about except that he is great, he is to be worshiped and good lord, this story is dumb!

The soldier rides off to take his son. We then see the king glancing at an image of the two daughters that betrayed his country.

"Help my son...my little sun and moon."

So, obviously, since he’s so important to this nation, the son retreats to Equestria. He finds his way to Ponyville where he tries to communicate with one of the locals. However, he freaks out after discovering that not everyone in Ponyville is an alicorn. He starts to panic and accidently knocks himself out.

"Shocked, I turned and took flight, but the pony started chasing me, I realized there weren't any alicorns, some only had wings or horns, or nothing at all! I began to worry, what was this place!?!?! Suddenly I landed and began to weave my way through the street, but I bumped into something, it was a pony but this one was purple and an alicorn!!!

Yes, gently crashing into a pony and lightly bumping my head onto the ground, somehow, knocks me out. I’m the future of my race!

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We then cut back to the king, who is making a last stand against the fog. He is overloading the core of Friendship and begins talking to members of his council.

After telling them to prepare themselves, the King starts to think about what was most important to him in his last moments.

He thought of his son

I sure hope he doesn’t get knocked out in a completely stupid and non-funny way. That would be the only way our race would die out.

He thought of his kingdom

We really have stupid names for our islands. Also, I never got to eat at that Chinese restaurant.

He thought of his daughters.

Damn it! Luna owes me money! Damn you-!

So, he wakes up in the library, where Princess Twilight Sparkle watches over him

Hey, I just noticed something, in these types of stories OC’s get taken in by one of the main characters, even though they know absolutely nothing about them. And these characters are often injured, but of course, the main characters would never do something sensible like TAKING THEM TO A HOSPITAL!

Anyway, Silver Haze asks how he got here, and Twilight explains that she brought him here after he passed out.

"yes, where am I?" I said to her.

"you are in my library" the purple alicorn said

"i'm Silver Haze, the prince of Alicornia, or, what WAS Alicornia" I said sadably

Sadably? Really? …

…

…

Okay, time for a drink.

Okay, let’s continue with something I need to touch up on. The dialogue. Seriously, this is some awkward and weak dialogue. They just introduce themselves without any substance to it. There is no reason Twilight should trust this guy or anything he has to say.

"because you can only be an alicorn by doing special things" said Twilight.

"wow, in alicornia, everyone is born an alicorn" I said

NOBODY IS BORN AN ALICORN! ALICORNS JUST APPEAR! THAT IS WHAT YOU SAID! ACCORDING TO YOUR OWN FUCKING CONTINUITY, ALICORNS JUST APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR! THIS STORY IS STUPID!

So, anyway, the rest of the characters walk in and they  just can’t stop complimenting on how great Silver Haze is and how fantastic he looks and how he is so much better than anypony else.

"umm.. i'm fluttershy" she said, looking at the tall, handsome red and black alicorn she suddenly had a strange atraction to.

"howdy twahlahght" said the orange anti-alicorn. the anti-alicorn walked to silver haze. "why arn't you a handsome feller" she said

"i'm Rainbow Dash, nice wings" she said

You know, author, the more you try to convince me that you are so much better than everyone else, the more I think you are just a jealous 13-year old who is angry at the world because the world doesn’t worship you like you think it should. And possibly, that you like a fictional character a little too much.

Also, another thing I would like to comment on, the formatting! Dear lord, you can’t tell from these little tidbits that I’m giving you, so let me show you what I mean.

Just then a pony with no horn or wings.. an anti-alicorn, walked into the door "howdy twahlahght" said the orange anti-alicorn. the anti-alicorn walked to silver haze. "why arn't you a handsome feller" she said "thanks, but i'm not the best looking pony in the world" i said, being modest. the anti-alicorn waled to twilight "so twahlahght, i was hoping to get a book grom yew" she said, when another pony came into the door, it was the pony from earlier, the one with no horn. she had a rainbow  mane.

Dear lord, a new paragraph should start every time a new character starts talking! Were you even trying at this point?! Or did you decide that you had gotten so much flame for the story that you decided to forego all effort all together?! Please, do yourself a favor! Either stop writing or get an editor! There are tons of websites and places where you can ask others to proofread your story to fix problems like this! For God’s sake, use them!

Ugh… and it only gets worse from here, people. It only gets worse from here.

Silver Haze explains that a group of cloud monsters attacked his city and destroyed it. Twilight and her friends wonder what they can do to help. Silver Haze basically tells them since most of them aren’t alicorns, none of them would have been much help.

Oh, good. Now he’s racist. Let’s add that to the list of things I despise about him.

Spike walks into the room and-

"DRAGON!!!" I yelled!

Oh, my god! We are trying to add Spike into the story! This is MLP Fanfic’s greatest sin! Somepony kick Spike out of the story! Kick him out of the story!

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Ah… crisis averted.

The story explains that Silver Haze has a phobia of dragons, because of an event that will have no relevance to the plot whatsoever, but Twilight explains that Spike is harmless. Why was this placed into the story? … I have no idea. I guess, in the author’s mind, it’s supposed to serve as a ‘flaw’ to his character to make him not a Mary-Sue, but come on! This is a really, really weak flaw! A flaw should cripple the hero, showing how weak they can truly be!

If he really had a phobia for dragons, he would be cowering in a corner and would not listen to rational arguments made by the others. But no, instead of him progressively learning to trust Spike throughout the course of the story, slowly overcoming his fear of dragons, he instantly trusts Spike and is instantly over his fear.

Fuck! This! Story!

Anyway, Spike explains that he had received a letter from Princess Celestia saying that she wants to meet their strange visitor.

I nodded my head and got up slowly, I almost fell over but Twilight let me lean on her to regain my balence.

I can’t walk straight! Can’t fight anything! And am easily knocked out by lightly bumping my head into something! I’m the best alicorn that ever lived!

*Far across the sea*

A group of dragons were flying across the sea when they saw a giant fog cloud block their way. Not even thinking about it,

they flew inside it...

And were never seen again.

Wow… this would be actually quite terrifying… If I actually gave a shit… Seriously?! What was the point of that scene?! We never saw the dragons! We never got to know any of them! They are never going to matter at the end of this! So seriously, what was this even about?! Was this to remind us that the fog is still out there! News flash, anyone who has read this story up to this point already knows that! GOD, I HATE THIS STORY!

The train ride was really quick taking only ten minutes to get to canterlot,

God, maybe it is only a thirty minute walk to Canterlot.

nothing happen except for when I talked to the Mane 6 a bit more but not about anything important.

I would say ‘show, don’t tell’ here, but there are two very good reason why I am not. Number 1: It would probably fall on deaf ears. Number 2: It would make the story that much longer and trust me 9000 words of torment is 9001 words too long.

So, I guess there is some kind of relationship being built between Silver Haze and Twilight Sparkle, not that we are ever shown that, with the author telling us-

Twilight started acting really weird though, she didn't look at me when I tried to talk to her,

What kind of a conversation are you having?! What are you talking about?! Show, don’t- oh, fuck it all! Let’s just finish this story as quickly as possible.

They enter Celestia’s palace where they are greeted by the princess.

"Hello Elements, have you brought the alicorn here?"

… I guess, the heroes don’t get names anymore. Yeah, that makes sense! I mean, Celestia has only known them for three or more seasons and has connected with them through their learning lessons about friendship! Yeah, I could see how she only connects to them with their element to protect her kingdom! That’s all they are to her! Objects! Objects for her to use whenever she pleases!

That’s why they don’t need names, people! Even though one of them is her close personal student who she has known for years, that’s why they don’t have names!

Make sense, right?!

So, yeah, Celestia asks how Silver Haze is and he explains where he comes from and what happened to his kingdom.

Celestia seemed saddened by this "Well, that is unfortunate...still thank you,

For fleeing like a coward and being absolutely useless. You’re the only hope for your race!

Luna then appears and Silver Haze and Luna instantly recognize each other. We then cut to a flashback where Luna and Silver Haze were apparently best friends.

"We should get married some day!" Silver looked over in shock.

"Ewww! No way, you have cooties!" Luna gave him a light hit on the sholder.

"Not right now dumb-dumb, I mean some day, when we're older!!!" Silver thought this over for a second then smiled.

"Sure! We could have a big party! And invite all our friends!!!" Luna nodded also smiling.

… Last! Sentence! You just said that you didn’t want to get married, last sentence! You can’t even keep your consistency for more than a sentence! But the author clearly doesn’t care about this story, why should I?!

So, anyway, Luna and Silver Haze hug after the flashback where they promised to love each other forever, and Silver Haze realized why they are so familiar.

Wait a minute, I just thought of something… Isn’t Celestia and Luna daughters of the king of Alicornia? The same alicorn who is the father of Silver Haze?

Great, now we can add incest to the list of reasons why I hate this story!

Silver Haze asks why Celestia and Luna are in Equestria, and Celestia explains that Alicorns are naturally racist against non-alicorns and that she left that life behind to care for those in Equestria.

Why? Because… um… because… the god’s demanded it? Why can’t you go deeper into this?! This is actually a fascinating aspect of the story! I want to know more about this! … Wow, I’d never thought I’d say those words to this story.

But nope, instead we get a dumbass, forced as hell, love triangle! Because we’ve never seen those before!

"I nodded quickly, noticing that luna was still hugging me." I told her to please let go and she did with a blush, suddenly she got an idea.

Notice where the quotation marks are? This just convinces me that the character is clearly insane and is misinterpreting everything the characters say when they say that they love, when in reality, they despise him as much as I do!

Can I read about that story, please?!

So, Luna invites Silver Haze to follow her to the observatory. But… uh oh! Twilight wants to take him to Joe’s Doughnut Shop!

I smell completely forced, love triangle hilarity!

"Uhh mares?" I said, getting pulled one way by Luna and the other by Twilight.

Oh, god! Are we finally going to see what happens when a Wookie loses?!

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"The observitory"

"Pony Joe's!"

"The ovservitory!!!"

"pony Joe's!!!"

Spell check? Pfft… what the fuck is that?

So, before somepony, like me, can get a chainsaw to give Twilight and Luna what they want, Celestia calms them down. She explains that the fog that is making its way to Equestria is more important.

Finally, a pony with some common sense! Celestia, you are my new favorite pony!

Sudenly I heard a voice in my head "Lisen Silver Haze, I lost my sister to hatred and anger 1000 years ago, if you hurt her in any way I will personaly send you to the sun. Am I clear?"

I’m not sure how Celestia is able to speak to him telepathically, but who cares! She’s still more sensible and better than every character in this story put together! Hell, I’m surprised she wasn’t seen wielding a sword and riding a dinosaur!

That’s how badass she is right now!

So, they allow Silver Haze to stay in Canterlot and to have his own room. As he starts to rest for the night, Luna comes to visit him. Oh, great. I forgot about the love triangle shit! Can we go back to Celestia?! I want to see more of her, please!

"Greatings Silver, would you like to go to my room and play some games?" I smiled and nodded, she sqeed with glee of finaly having somepony to play with.

Oh, dear lord! What kind of sick twisted games are you playing with her?! Celestia, send him to the sun quick!

We went back to her room and we played some games like chess and checkers

Oh, god. I thought we were going to have something suggestive here. Phew… dodged a bullet there.

After it got dark, Luna sugested we play a more fun game for the time.

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And I’m not wrong on that either. Luna starts a drinking game with him, which results in them having sex… Dear lord.

And of course, he has to go into detail how big he is and how he does her and dear lord, somebody get me some brain bleach! And lots of it!

And then he falls asleep in the middle of it. I guess, Luna’s a bit out of practice.

… No… I didn’t mean it…

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I am so getting sent to the sun. Of course, I won’t be alone, will I, Silver?

And then we get an author’s note, explaining the poor spelling and grammar. Oh, did I forget to mention that? There’s a ton of it, if you haven’t noticed already.

Anyway, I got a message that said that I needed an editor, so I got my friend to edit this, how did he do?

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And that’s the nicest way I can put that.

Anyway, after a night of moonlighting, Silver Haze wakes up and starts his day, and now we show one of the biggest problems with this story. I’m going to show you two different sentences in this chapter and see if you can spot it.

i got up from my bed and went to the door, i peeked back at luna who was sleeping peacfuly in her bed. my head suddenly hurt from all the booze we drank last night, I felt strange and happy and sads all at the time same, I left for the bahroom where I would wash out my face and put cold water on myself and I sighed.

Silver Haze could only suddenly feel sadder about how his home was gone but he had to look forward he remembered the day Luna and Celetia left the floying island and left him there with his father who was sad but got over it and everyone called them trateres because when they left they took the Tree of harmony with them which was part of the island of Frendship and was very important and made lots of the alicorns very angry.

Now, besides being both run on sentences. Both having terrible spelling and grammar and both being poorly written, but what a huge problem with these sentences?

Can’t figure it out? They are two different perspectives of writing! The first one is in a first person perspective and the other is a third person! Good god, you can’t even keep a consistent perspective in your narrative! This wouldn’t be so bad if it was done well, but this makes it feel like Silver Haze and the main character are two separate people! It is confusing as hell! If you want to make it in first person, fine! But pick one narrative! Don’t combined the two unless you know how to! And trust me, you don’t know how!

So, he goes off to breakfast where he meets with Celestia. Celestia seems to know that something was up.

“”did you enjoy your late night shenanigans with luna, silver haze?” said celestia.

That’s it! It’s sun time for you! Say hi the Satan for me!

But of course, that would be interesting, and of course, this story would never do something like that. No, instead, we get the love triangle bullshit.

Twilight comes up to Silver and complains that she loved him at first sight. Silver Haze makes a promise to Twilight that he will love her as much as he loves Luna. Twilight, of course, this being a realistic story, takes it pretty well and says that that is okay. Just like real life, right?!

Fortunately, a black dragon comes around to attack Canterlot. Twilight suggests the Elements of Harmony, but states that they have already surrendered them to the Tree of Harmony. Seriously, am I the only one who hasn’t seen season 4?

But that’s okay, because Silver Haze knows the exact weakness of the dragon, even though he has a phobia of dragons and should be too scared to even look at it, but hey, that would be assuming that the story knew what consistency was.

So, Silver Haze dives in, with everypony else in awe at how awesome he is, and Silver Haze kills the dragon without any difficulty. I hate this character.

Twilight and Luna approach him and proceed to tell him how awesome he is.

”thanks, girls, i couldn’t have done it without you” silver said

What did they even do?! … You know what, I don’t care anymore. We’re just moving on.

So, they figure out that the cloud that is attacking them is the same kind of fog that Sombra used to attack the Crystal Empire, which honestly doesn’t make sense, but whatever, and Silver Haze asks Celestia and Luna if they still have the airship that they stole from his father.

Um… last I checked Luna and Celestia had wings. Why do they need an airship?

Anyway, of course, Celestia has it and reveals it to the others. Silver Haze and Main six agree to go and they board the airship.

After seven sentences of how awesome and handsome and brave and cool and majestic and all powerful Silver Haze is, Twilight enters his cabin and then starts making out with him.

“W-Wait, first I have to cast a protection spell.”

There is not enough alcohol in the world that will make me forget that line…

So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed already, the two start having sex. I can’t imagine Luna being very happy about that…

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(> (PS I relized my last BF was a terrible editor but my new one is much better so I’ll probibly get more likes)

On the one hand, I am glad you got a new editor for this… On the other, your second editor still sucks.

Our next chapter begins like this…

sorry for a short chapter, i was rush with school and stuff, you’all know how it works.We all heart haze :D

Yes. Yes, I do know how that works. I know that real life is sometimes a bitch and can take away from your work. But that often doesn’t excuse it from sucking.

Now, before people start flaming me for this, I realize that deadlines can be hard to make sometimes. I get that. Sometimes you can spend all the time you want to on something and sometimes you have to take shortcuts. I don’t recommend it, but I do understand. My thing is, this is fan fiction, it’s not like you are writing for a job or anything, it’s a fan work that you do at your own pace.

Now, if you want to set a schedule for yourself, that’s fine. More power to you. But if you can’t make a deadline and can’t give the quality that you feel your audience deserves, don’t do it. Take more time with it. Better to give something with quality than to rush it and it turns out to be garbage.

Is that why your Happily Ever After story is terrible?

Shut up.

After banging Twilight, Silver Haze meets the others for breakfast. However, Applejack is instantly suspicious of the whole thing because…

You seem a maght suspeecious i rekon, bein’ the element of honesty i rekon yer hading somethin’” applejack said

This story keeps serving up new ways for me to hate it.

So they fly off to the Crystal Empire, but they are soon attacked by the mysterious fog. However, it is revealed to be Sombra!

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“Well” I said “it looks like this will be interesting!”

Why start now?

The group lands the ship and head for the fog. The main six are, of course, too cowardly to attack the thing. However, thanks to Silver, oh I’m sorry-

main 6 follow their handsome brave and utterly courageous leader silver haze the prince of alicorning and the only survive as he lead the charge being their only hope to save equestria and if anything happend to him they would have no idea how to defend themselfs twilight thought maby he was really the secret hidden seventh element of harmoney of bravery and he could of used it if they didn’t give up the elements to the tree of harmony after she became a princess she though but she then relized it didnt matter because silver didn’t need any fancy elements to defeat the evilness he was brave and coragus and funny and honest and would never hurt anyone nor would he ever do anything to even hurt anyones feeling and that when she knew she loved silver with all her heart and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

Sorry, there was words on the screen, but all I saw was.

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And yet, the dog was more intelligible.

They work their way through the fog and make their way to the throne room in an attempt to find Sombra. Oh wait, this is apparently, Sombre, Sombra’s twin brother. Who ironically gets more screen time in the show than Sombra does?!

I love those comics.

They finally find him, and I just thought of something. Where is Cadence and Shining Armor in all this?! Did they just die off screen or something?! Wouldn’t Twilight have a reaction to some of this?! Oh, well. This story has already fucked up all of my favorite characters; the story can at least spare Cadence and Shining Armor its wrath.

They find Sombre and Sombre reveals that Silver was born of a female alicorn, which makes no sense because Alicorns can’t be born, but who cares, lame fight sequence time!

sombre charged a powerful beam on his horn and focused it at silver. silver was nearly hit my the beam, and it gave him a little burn as it flew by. silver once again charged at him, but this time with his own horn glowing. sombre laughed as he came for him, and he made no effort to dodge or counter his attack, he simply allowed silver to charge. silver hit combre full force, yet he didn’t budge one bit.

So, Silver defeats Sombre by knocking him off a cliff, but Sombre tries to pull him with him. Twilight and her friends rush over to him, but are unable to do anything.

Oh, no. It’s not like Twilight has magic that she can use to blast Sombre off of Silver Haze. Oh, wait, yes she can. Why doesn’t Twilight just shoot the bastard and get him off Silver Haze?!

Anyway, Silver Haze and Sombre fall into the abyss? Which… makes no sense since Silver Haze has wings and could fly to safety, but…? I guess as long as this character is dead than it doesn’t really matter.

So, the main 6 gets all sad because the perfect, all-powerful, who the fuck cares Silver is dead. They throw a big party in his honor (I’m throwing a party too, but for different reasons) and Luna doesn’t take news of his death well.

So, in our Epilogue, we cut to 2 years later, where Twilight is revealed to have children. So much for that protection.

We then get an author’s note asking the important questions…

What will happen to silver haze? what will hapen to his kids? What will happen to twilight now that she is a mother?

Oh, I can answer that. Nobody cares!

Waste of my time!

This fan fic is stupid in every aspect of the word.

It’s poorly written; the dialogue is terrible, the spelling and grammar are just awful and is overall just a bad story.

Several elements of the story could have worked if more time was spent on them. Like the alicorn racism thing, that would have been interesting to see an alicorn who was racist against everypony who wasn’t born an alicorn. That would have been interesting.

And if Celestia and Luna did leave the kingdom of Alicornia, it would have been interesting to see how they came to respect others and how they conflicted with their father.

But then we add in the main character of the story Silver Haze and it all drops to shit. He’s a bland as hell character, he’s not interesting, he’s over glorified for the little he actually does and he’s only interested in sex.

He’s a blowup doll at best. Something to bring pleasure to the author by making him have sex with Twilight and Luna.

Look, I don’t care if you want to have your main character have a romantic relationship with one of the main six. But please, make sure that is it actually believable and not forced as hell like this.

The love triangle was never touched on (for better or worse) and a lot of the parts that had potential get cut to make room for sentences that describe how wonderful and fantastic Silver Haze is.

Overall, a bore to sit through and just an awful story to read that makes you want to slam your head repeatedly against something to give yourself something that is less painful. In fact, that’s what I’m going to do. Have a good day guys.

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***

A black alicorn burst from the great golden doors, a narrowed brow on his face as he made his way to down the long hall to the throne. “Have you heard what has happened, Father?”

King Crown gave a sigh and tilted his head back. He placed his hoof on his forehead and glanced down the steps of his golden throne to the black and red alicorn traveling down the violet carpet. “What is it now, son?” The two alicorns beside him took a step back from him. “I am in the middle of an important meeting.”

The son stopped short of the throne and pointed to the glass window at the other end of the room. “Father, have you heard about what that pony has said about me?! Those horrible, horrible things!”

King Crown shook his head. “I don’t understand. What horrible things, Silver?”

Silver made his way to a giant crystal orb at the center of the room, his horn glowing brightly. The orb glowed for a moment and revealed a green stallion with black glasses. His voice echoed into the room, “But then we add in the main character of the story Silver Haze and it all drops to shit. He’s a bland as hell character, he’s not interesting, he’s over glorified for the little he actually does and he’s only interested in sex.”

Silver’s face intensified as he turned back to the throne. “You see that, father?! That stallion would dare mock me!”

King Crown merely raised his eyebrow. “I do not understand, Silver. It is simply one earth pony. An anti-alicorn.” He pointed at the orb still projecting the stallion. “He is far beneath you.”

Silver flew up to his father’s side, staring him down. “Then why is he allowed to insult me?!”

King Crown stood up and placed his hoof on his son’s shoulder. “You have nothing to worry about. He is a nothing. A nobody.” He smiled as he turned his son back to the center piece of the room. “But you? You are the most special alicorn in the whole kingdom!”

Silver turned his head, a smug grunt escaping his lips. “I know I am.” He placed his hoof on his chest. “I am the most handsome, strong, smart and brave alicorn in all of Alicornia.” He pointed his hoof back to the orb. “Then why should I have to tolerate being insulted by a commoner?! Why can’t I just kill him or something?”

King Crown leered at the younger alicorn. “And ruin our plan to conquer Equestria?” He shook his head. “We cannot afford to lose our advantage, son.” He leaned towards his son’s ear. “We are so close to conquering it. Is gaining your own kingdom to rule over better than killing a single earth pony?”

Silver looked back up to the crystal, staring into the smirk of the ‘Critique’, as he called himself. The Critique prided himself on always being right. On always knowing what was best. Silver couldn’t see what was so great about him.

On one hoof, the Critique was a small minded, weak, self-absorbed, unintelligent, loud, vulgar anti-alicorn who worked as a librarian for less than minimum wage. He knew homeless ponies who made more than him.

On the other hoof, he, Silver Haze, was the most handsome stallion that ever lived. He was braver than the bravest pony. Stronger than any creature, an intellect that rivaled smartest ponies of Alicornia, and of course, he could give any mare, and female anything they wanted. Slow, soft, hard, fast. It didn’t matter. His talents could perform.

And yet, this simpleton. This completely boring, uninteresting commoner had the gall to insult him. Where all others would praise him, respect him, envy him, this stallion would mock him. Surely, he is just jealous of all my talents! That is all he is! That is all they ever are!

He turned towards his father. “Father, I request permission to destroy him!”

Crown shook his head. “Request denied, my son.” Silver lowered his head in defeat. “We must focus on Equestria’s submission first.” He smiled. “Then when you have all of Equestria under your control, you may do as you will with him.

Silver escaped his father’s grip and stomped down the steps. But I want to kill him now! He grumbled under his breath as he marched out of the throne room, the golden doors slamming behind him.

Why Did I Do This?

… I don’t want to review anymore… I don’t want to do it.

Sir, what is it this time?

I’ve just read another stupid story, Computer. And now I have to review it. It’s always the same things over and over. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever gets better. Look at what my life has become.

Sir, nopony is forcing you to read and review them. You could stop anytime you wished.

Not the point. What’s the point? Here’s the point! The point is that every time I read a story as stupid as the one we’ve got today, I feel like a piece of my brain is melting out of my ears.

What story are you reviewing today?

It’s called… Why did I do this?

Because you choose to, sir.

No, that’s what the story is called. It’s called Why did I do this? by CrystalFeather

Ever since Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory, it seems like everypony is trying make a story with gore related violence. While I am not entirely opposed to the idea, it can’t just be done for the stake of gore related violence. It still needs to tell a story, it still needs to have relatable characters and if you’re going to have canon characters be the slasher, it needs to make sense!

You can’t just throw whatever halfcocked piece of shit explanation you want into the story and expect us to buy it, it doesn’t fucking work!

And unfortunately, that is what we get with today’s story. I know I’m not excited about reading this piece of shit, so let’s get this over with.

Twilight Sparkle was in the recesses of her home making a potion. It would change psychotic pony into a normal tempered pony.

It was called alcohol and believe me it will turn me into a normal tempered pony.

So, yeah, apparently Twilight Sparkle is a psychologist now. Sure puts Asylum into perspective. I guess Twilight really does read everything she touches.

She apparently has a psychotic pony in the room that she plans to test the potion. We never really get an explanation of what made her decided to turn to psychology or why she suddenly has a patient. We never learn who the patient is, what his psychological problem is or what his back story is. Hell, we don’t even get a name from the guy. He’s just crazy and that’s apparently all you need to know.

But there was a catch unknown by her; the potion would alter if the normal tempered pony drank the potion.

Wow, way to spoil the rest of the story for us in the first paragraph. Now I don’t have to read anymore. Have a great day guys.
























I would not recommend this course of action, sir. Fans would be most upset.

Can I just not review this one?!

You have already started. I would recommend finishing the review.

Ugh… Fine, but you people owe me for this.

She learned how to make potions by watching Zecora make them for others.

Oh, yes. I’m sure that just watching Zecora mixing potions in a pot makes you an expert in potion making. All the explanations of dosages and the right chemical mixture? Pfft, you don’t need that.

Pinkie Pie enters Twilight’s house wondering what she is up to. Twilight welcomes her into her home and I have to scratch my head at this.

Not because Twilight is welcoming Pinkie Pie, but the fact that Twilight is letting Pinkie into her house, while she is not only with a psychological patient, but experimenting with a new potion. Wouldn’t you not want ponies poking their heads around in your patient’s business?

Psychological is here to help test the potion; he really wants to be change. I think that's what he said. Anyways, in 3 seconds flat, he will change." Twilight answered.

So, his name is Psychological? Damn, his parent’s must have had incredible foresight. Though to be fair, it is Equestria, so…

Pinkie Pie, in normal Pinkie Pie fashion, asks Twilight what flavor the potion will be.

As long as it’s not grape flavored, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get anyone to try it.

Twilight replies with…

"I know what flavor is, I'm a genius! Geez, but no there is no flavor."

Geez, Twilight. I think your horn is too small for your head. I know you’re smarter than all of us, but you don’t have to be rude about it.

Twilight didn't pay any attention, she grabbed a small glass and put it up the Psychological's mouth.

Wait, so now it’s ‘the Psychological’? What the fuck is going on here? We are not even 200 words in and I’m lost as hell! Is Psychological his name? His title? His occupation? What is he?! What is his story?!

So, Twilight, without testing the potion, at all, forces it down the Psychological’s throat?... You know what? I’m just going to call him ‘Steve’. However, Steve doesn’t seem to have any reaction to it. At all. There is nothing to indicate that Steve has any emotions, any feelings. Nothing. He doesn’t do a thing.

Hell, maybe Steve is dead and Twilight is just too stupid to notice. Given what is about to come up, that would not surprise me at the least.

"What the? When Zecora does potions they always work." Twilight said astonished.

Maybe because she actually knows what she’s doing! And all you’ve done is watch her make potions, instead of her actually teaching you!

Oh and here is the stupidest thing that Twilight will ever do in any fan fiction ever. I dare anypony. Anypony to come up with something that is stupider than what I am about to show you. I dare you to show me Twilight doing something stupider than this.

She took a sip of the potion to see if it would work. Nothing happened still.

Yep… She drank the potion. A potion designed for crazy horses.

No, not him.

An untested potion, no preliminary tests to show how it might affect her, no analysis of its effects on test subjects or any kind of research into potion making outside of “watching Zecora” and she drinks it up like its lemonade.

Did this author even read their story before publishing it?

I mean, this is so unbelievably stupid! I can’t believe that somepony of Twilight’s intelligence and wisdom would be absolutely stupid enough to drink an untested potion! Twilight is one of the smartest characters in the show and in your story, she admitted to being a genius! And this is what this ‘genius’ would do in this situation?

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Hell, she’s making Rainbow Dash from “Applejack’s Love Poison Dilemma” look competent by comparison.

I really don’t know what to say. That’s the biggest, dumbest thing you could do for this story. But unfortunately for me, this story is still going, so let’s just move on.

Pinkie Pie goes home and Twilight heads off to bed. You might be asking what happened to Steve? Keep wondering… he’s never mentioned again. He was just a forced tool to get this story rolling. Well, I’m glad your imagination couldn’t come up with an actual character to present this scenario on Twilight, otherwise, you might have actually had a good story. But you, of course, took the easy way out and made a character so forgettable, that you leave your audience questioning why this character was even born. Thank you, author. Thank you.

In the middle of the night, Twilight goes walking in her sleep.

But she stopped for a second. She fell to the floor in pain. She was changing.

"What's happening?!"

Oh, my god! She’s turning into a Mary-Sue! Run!

So after… um…we see nothing of what she changes into, we cut to Sugarcube Corner where Twilight is seen skulking around the place.

Twilight's eyes were like sombra's eyes, and her mane was all messed up.

:facehoof: All I need is some medication for my eyes. I’m turning into a second rate villain.

Wow, that’s two weeks in a row I’ve made fun of Sombra. … I really should stop. Tell you what guys. If he can get more than 7 lines of dialogue in a single episode, I’ll stop making fun of him.

So, Twilight tip toes into Sugarcube Corner (yes, horses do have toes. I checked), however, she accidently wakes up Pinkie Pie.

She got scared

Show, don’t tell. If she was scared, how did her fear affect her?! Don’t tell me she is scared! Show her being scared! Her hooves were sweaty, her heart was racing, her teeth were jittering, I don’t know! But fucking something!

she grabbed the first item she could find in her room.

Was it this?

Yeah, that will pretty much guarantees her safety. Turns out that they were having a sale on Laughter War machines at the Island of Laughter.

(cupcake)

What was that? Are you referencing Cupcakes? Why? And for that matter, why are you just saying cupcake? Is it supposed to symbolize how ironic this is to cupcakes? Is cupcake the weapon Pinkie Pie picked up? What is that supposed to tell us?! What are you trying to say?!

So, Pinkie Pie gets ambushed by Twilight and is then murdered. Yeah, it’s like half a second long too. No struggle, no internal torment. Hell, Twilight just jumps on her and cuts her up with a butcher’s knife.

"AH!" Pinkie screamed.

Yes, apparently, Pinkie Pie screamed so loud that nopony else in the house heard them. Mr. and Mrs. Cake must think that it’s Pinkie Pie making cupcakes in their basement again.

So, Pinkie Pie is dead and Twilight, for some reason, changes back to her normal self to overlook the body of her new dead friend. And actually takes murdering her best friend, pretty damn well. Uncharacteristically well.

Twilight changed back with not as much pain changing.

Oh, really? That wouldn’t have been interesting to read about. I thought she had been in pain because she fell out of bed and not because of the transformation. Thanks for making that clear, author.

So, they have a funeral for Pinkie Pie. It doesn’t indicate how much time has passed. Why am I bringing this up? Well, as we said last chapter, Twilight sees that she is the one who murdered Pinkie Pie. And yet, she seems pretty damn okay with it. She doesn’t confess her crime, doesn’t try to isolate herself from everypony to find out what is going on. Hell, she just goes to Pinkie Pie’s funeral likes it’s nothing.

Oh, yeah and apparently, Twilight also doesn’t remember killing her. Really? Because I think it would be fucking obvious that she did! What with a butcher knife in her hoof and Pinkie’s blood all over her! Wouldn’t that be like Godzilla waking up in the ruins of Tokyo and wondering if he was the one who smashed it?

Speaking of the funeral, apparently, Pinkie Pie wasn’t that well missed.

By then everything was quiet. Without Pinkie Pie keeping the smiles alive, Ponyville turned quiet. The ponies didn't smile at all after her death. But after that day, everything returned to some what normal.

So, apparently, after a day, everything returned to normal. Okay, in the stories defense it does say, ‘somewhat’, but what the hell does that mean? The only explanation for what ‘somewhat’ means is that

No pony had seen Rainbow Dash in a very long time.

So, did Pinkie’s death not affect anypony? It only says that they were sad up until the day after they buried her. There is no indication of Pinkie Pie being missed after that. And I very much doubt somepony, who singlehoofedly made everypony’s day brighter, so that they wouldn’t kill each other, would be forgotten so quickly.

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Besides, who doesn’t love that song? … Shut up! That’s my favorite song in the show and I’m standing by it!

Anyway, Rainbow Dash locks herself into her home and continues to grieve over Pinkie Pie’s death. The only in-character moment in this story. Be grateful we even got that.

However, Twilight tiptoes into her house… Why do I see this every time I think that?

This is the only time you will see Spike in this story. Enjoy it while you can. Yeah, you were probably wondering why Spike doesn’t appear in this story, even though he would probably be the one to figure out that Twilight keeps sneaking out of the library every night and killing all friends. But like everything else, it gets forced out of the story to make room for stupid ass murderous Twilight, that doesn’t even make sense to begin with!

Also, isn’t it kind of odd that Steve hasn’t had any change to him, whatsoever? And yet, Twilight seemed to be affected by it? Wouldn’t Steve have changed with Twilight? He drank the same damn potion!

So, Twilight breaks into Rainbow Dash’s house and attacks her.

She saw Twilight down the hall with a bloody knife held by her magic, the horn color wasn't the same.

Yeah, apparently, Twilight’s horn is a different color now. I assume that he means magical aura or whatever fans are calling it now, but hey the author didn’t give a shit when he/she wrote this, so why should I?

Then she remembered that the knife that Twilight was holding, was the same weapon that killed Pinkie.

Wait, they knew what murder weapon was used on Pinkie Pie?! And there was no follow up on the investigation?! Are you fucking kidding me?! If they have a murder weapon, why isn’t it being used for evidence? I’m pretty sure the method of which the murder was committed would be pretty damn useful in the investigation! Especially if they dusted it for… okay, maybe not hoof prints since Twilight carried it with her magic, but maybe there is a magical ‘fingerprint’ that’s unique to all unicorns. And if that’s too bizarre for you, maybe a trace of hair or something.

Also, if the police did have it, but, for some reason, didn’t consider it evidence, how would they know it was Twilight Sparkle’s, since she now has it?!

Cop: Miss Twilight Sparkle, we found your knife covered in Pinkie Pie’s blood the other day. Do you know anything about that?

Nope. Don’t know anything about it.

Cop: We also found Rainbow Dash’s head cut off and put on a spike in your front yard. You wouldn’t happen to know how that got there, would you?

Can’t say I do.

Cop: We also found Luna and Celestia crucified in your backyard with a big sign over their heads in blood spelling, “I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, hereby murder Luna and Celestia.” Would you know anything about that?

Nope.

Cop: Okay, we were just checking. Have a good day.

Good god, these cops are making the ones from Avenging Hobbits’ Flutterhulk look like fucking Robocop.

"You killed Pinkie Pie?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Why yes, I can't believe you figured that out!

I’m surprised as fuck that Twilight hasn’t figured it out yet! Isn’t Twilight supposed to be the smart one? Maybe her brain is taking a vacation. Just like the author’s when he wrote this piece of shit.

And guess who's next?" Twilight teased.

Hopefully, me. So I don’t have to read this story anymore.

So, yeah, Twilight murders Rainbow Dash, but then the sun comes up and changes her back to normal. Yeah, apparently, Twilight only becomes evil during the night, proving that, once again, Celestia is so much better than Luna.

Okay, two deaths and Twilight has broken out of her trance after the murders. Surely, now Twilight will come to realize that she is connected with their deaths.

"How did I end up here? How do I make it here at the times of their deaths?" Twilight asked herself.

Or Twilight could continue to be a fucking idiot!

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So, they have a funeral for Rainbow Dash the next day. Damn, they work fast on funerals, don’t they? I guess with Pinkie Pie gone, everypony just doesn’t care about life anymore.

Ponyville Suicide Rates Before Pinkie’s Death: 0

Ponyville Suicide Rates After Pinkie’s Death: 5 in 6 ponies.

Rainbow Dash's funeral, all her friends came and said a few words.

Yeah, don’t worry about seeing the few words being said in Rainbow Dash’s honor. We never see them. So, I guess the author had nothing good to say about Rainbow Dash.

Hell, even the Wonderbolts say more than her friends do about her! What the hell kind of friends are these?

Oh and our beloved ‘genius’ is still completely dense as to how she arrived at the ponies’ home, has their blood all over her body and only awakens after their dead. But of course, I’m thinking of canon Twilight, where she would at least try to figure out what is going on and isolate herself until she discovered what is going on.

And here’s another problem I have with this story. The investigation. The problem? There is no mention of one! Remember those cops I spoke about before? Well, instead of being mentioned, like they should, they never appear once in this story!

I very much doubt that Celestia would just sweep the fact that one of the Elements of Harmony, one of the six guardians of Equestria, was murdered. If this were in an in-canon story of My Little Pony, every single soldier in the Equestrian Military would be working around the clock to find out the identity of Pinkie and Rainbow Dash’s killer!

The remaining Elements of Harmony wielders would be put into protective custody, since they are the most likely targets! And it’s not like Celestia doesn’t know about the murders, she attends Pinkie Pie’s funeral! You mean to tell me that Celestia isn’t going to put an investigation together when one of her most faithful student’s best friends dies?! BULL CRAP!

When Rainbow Dash was put to her final sleep, every pony left without their tears

What is it with the ponies of Ponyville not giving a shit about the characters after they are buried?

Okay, moving on. So, Twilight goes to Rarity and asks her to make a dress for her in Rainbow Dash’s honor. Seems kind of stupid since Rainbow Dash doesn’t normally like dresses, but hey, this is Dumbass Sparkle. Dumbass Sparkle is completely in-character with this scene and every scene before and after it.

So, Rarity agrees making the dress for Dumbass.

the dress was beautiful,

Was it this beautiful?

Not what you had in mind? Then describe it! Although the multiple colors do represent Rainbow Dash, it just looks horrible!

So, they decide to do a fitting on Twilight and Rarity starts laughing at how odd it looks on Twilight. Which is completely insensitive. Bitch.

Twilight started to get annoyed, she took the dress off, and trotted home. She was so mad, Rarity would laugh at this thing that ment so much to Twilight.

… Remember when I said that I dared you all to find something where Twilight did something stupider than drinking that untested potion… Well, I found it… I found it… In the same fucking story! Get a load of this bullshit!

I hope something happens to her tonight.   Twilight whispered to herself.

… You know… sometimes… I get asked how I am able to review such stories… week in and week out… and… it’s not easy… It’s not easy having to sitting through the most revolting of stories on the website. There is being stupid… and then there is clearly not even giving a shit. This story clearly does not care. Its author doesn’t care. Its characters don’t care… it just doesn’t care.

Twilight… after seeing two of her friend’s deaths… asks for something to happen to Rarity. Now, I know that she is upset for Rarity laughing at her when she was trying to get something nice for Rainbow Dash (which was still incredibly out of character), but for her to wish such a thing to happen, especially so shortly after Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were murder. … It just makes me absolutely sick.

Let’s continue…

So, yeah, Twilight breaks into Rarity’s home and starts sneaking around. Rarity ends up hearing the noise and thinks that it’s Sweetie Belle.

"It's not me." Sweetie Belle said as she looked up at Rarity.

" If you aren't up? Some pony must be inside. Stay here, don't move no matter what."

:raritywink: And if it sounds like I’m being ripped open by a psychopath with a knife, definitely don’t call the police. And if I unleash a blood curdling scream, don’t get out of the house to safety.

:unsuresweetie: Uh… Rarity, wouldn’t that be the first thing I’d want to do?

:duck: Seriously, Sweetie, that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.

So, Rarity gets killed by Twilight again. Seriously, this is sounding like Gainbow Dash, but instead of having sex, it is replaced with murder. Seriously, it’s practically identical as far as story structure. Sweetie Belle stays in her room, not even hearing about the murder taking place.

The sun begins to rise and Twilight wakes up from her trance. Okay, third friend in three days. Surely, Twilight has to realize that something is seriously wrong with her.

"How does this keep happening!" Twilight screamed.

Why do I even try anymore?

So, after three ponies later, Twilight finally discovers what has been happening. I’m surprise the half the town hasn’t been buried yet with her detective skills.

After Rarity's funeral, Twilight went back to her lab, trying to figure out how she always ended up at the time her friends were killed. The it came to mind, her potion

:twilightsmile: I’m a genius! And half of my friends are dead!

"I took a sip of it, and it didn't work for psychological, but maybe every night, I'm changing. And the last pony I see, is the one that is killed that day. It's me! I'm the murderer!" Twilight thought.

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So, Applejack comes into Twilight’s house carrying around apples, because that is the only thing that is associated with her character. It’s certainly not hard work, family values, determination, a willingness to help others, bravery, selflessness and honesty. No, she’s only apples.

Twilight confesses to Applejack that she’s the murderer, but Applejack doesn’t believe her, saying that Twilight would never do something like that. This would be an in-character moment, if Twilight wasn’t so upset about this and Applejack doesn’t even question it. In fact, she goes home shortly after without even asking why Twilight would even think that.

Now, once could say that Applejack thinks that Twilight is under duress, but wouldn’t a true friend like Applejack want to be there to figure out why her friend would blame herself? I guess she does only care about apples.

Anyway, night falls and we see Twilight sneaking around Sweet Apple Acres. One would think that Twilight would do something sensible like, turning herself in or asking Princess Celestia for help, but remember this is Dumbass Sparkle. The pony who would do the exact opposite of anything resembling Twilight Sparkle.

Applejack hears a noise and decides to go to investigate.

"I'll go down stairs, Big Mac look up here with Applebloom." Applejack ordered.

:applejackunsure: And if it sounds like a murder is happening downstairs, just pretend like everything’s okay. And definitely don’t call the police.

:applecry: That’s the same thing Rarity said to Sweetie Belle before she died.

:ajsmug: Come on, do you really think I’ll die if I go?

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So, Applejack goes down and Twilight attacks her and kills her. Sure didn’t waste any time with her, did you author?

The sun rises and I just thought of something. Isn’t it odd that Twilight always kills her prey seconds before Celestia raises the sun? What if one day Celestia decided to raise the sun late? Would evil Twilight just stare at the body until the sun came up?

So, Big MacIntosh and Apple Bloom actually rush downstairs to see Twilight standing over the dead body of their sister. I would ask why they don’t instantly accuse her of murdering Applejack, but hey, this is an idiot plot. We can’t have intelligent characters in an idiot plot.

Don’t know what an idiot plot is? Look it up.

"Applejack? Is she?" Applebloom asked Big Mac.

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Wow, that was kind of harsh, Big Mac. Is this how you always give depressing news to kids?

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Stupid question.

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Shut up!

So, they have the funeral for Applejack where the whole Apple family comes along.

Fluttershy asks Twilight what they should do, and Twilight leaves her to go read up on the potion she made.

She must be really sad about losing almost all her friends. Twilight thought.

That night, Fluttershy gets murdered in her house by Twilight. Yeah, nothing much else happens or is even worth mentioning.

I guess Fluttershy was begging to be killed quickly to get out of this stupid story.

"No, no. Not again!" Twilight screamed.

NO! NOT AGAIN! NOT SOMETHING THAT I COULD HAVE TOTALLY PREVENTED BY ACTUALLY TURNING MYSELF IN OR GETTING HELP FROM SOMEPONY WHO COULD ACTUALLY HELP ME LIKE PRINCESS CELESTIA, OR LUNA, OR DISCORD OR SHINING ARMOR OR PRINCESS CADENCE OR ANYPONY I KNOW IN PONYVILLE WHO ACTUALLY LIKES ME! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!

At Fluttershy's funeral, not many ponies had shown up to the funeral;

Dicks… Or maybe they’re getting tired of funerals. After all, this is the fifth funeral in five days.

Twilight, being depressed about murdering her friends, but clearly not enough to do anything about it, decides to go to the Crystal Empire to clear her head. Yeah, because when you turn into a murderous psychopath every night, the first thing you’d want to do is get closer to the ones you love. That makes perfect sense! It certainly makes it easier for you to kill them!

Twilight explains what happened to Shining Armor and of course, this being an idiot plot, Shining reacts as if Twilight forgot to take their dog for a walk to other day. Twilight is allowed to stay at the Crystal Empire, provided that she be kept under close guard.

Cadence tries to ask Twilight what is going on, but Twilight refuses to tell her. So, Shining Armor is okay to explain it to, but Cadence isn’t? Well, I think we all know that Shining Armor is going to die. After all, we have to keep this dumbass mystery going somehow.

When they get to Twilight’s room, Shining says he will stand guard over her, but then decides that he needs his beauty sleep. Oh, fuck me.

And then Twilight murders Shining Armor.

Twilight used her magic holding the butcher's knife.

Where does she keep finding the butcher’s knives?! Do the just spontaneously appear when she changes into her ‘evil’ self?! Does she just keep them up her ass to use them on whoever she wants?!

So, with Shining Armor dead and the only pony in the room being Twilight, surely Princess Cadence… Oh, wait, I had hope for a second. Never mind.

So, they have a funeral for Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle’s brother. Why am I reminding you of information you already know? Because I’m hoping that the author is reading this and I hope that he thinks about all I’ve said so far.

It is revealed that Cadence wasn’t told about Twilight’s murderous behavior and Twilight will never tell her.

Twilight didn't want to tell her. She didn't want to lose her her favorite Foal- Sitter.

Oh, yeah, because not telling other ponies has protected everypony you love so well. I’m sure Applejack, Fluttershy and Shining Armor would say the same thing.

I have to tell Celestia before it's too late! Twilight said to herself.

Too late…

So, Twilight goes to Celestia and explains what has happened. Celestia tells her to go to hell and … oh, wait, that’s my version of the story.

She tells Twilight to go wait for her. Celestia does what should have happened after Pinkie Pie’s death and locks Twilight in a cell. The moon rises and Twilight goes psycho, but thankfully, since she’s locked up, she can’t hurt anypony. See? My ideas aren’t stupid after all.

Celestia manages to get a potion that cures Twilight of her ‘ailment’ and she explains that she also has a spell that can bring her friends back from the dead.

Did I read that right? I mean, did I seriously read that right?

"Twilight. You haven't lost them all. Cast this spell, round up the elements of harmony, "

Good fucking Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! The Elements of Harmony in bad fan fics! They can do whatever contrived, forced, completely nonsensical thing the author wants them to!

So, yeah, the spell brings them back to life and Twilight is ever so happy. She asks Celestia why she never uses this spell.

"Luna and I only use the spell if need be." Celestia answered.

So, I guess death is no longer an issue with ponies, since now Twilight knows the spell and if anything happens to her friends, she would just use the spell to bring them back to life, making this whole story completely pointless.

And they all lived happily ever after, fuck this piece of shitstorm!

Do I even need to explain why this story sucks?

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Shut up, you!

Put aside whether you like gore fan fiction or not, this story is completely idiotic. The premise is stupid, the characters are so out of character that it makes me feel like I’m watching cardboard cut outs of them, the descriptions are weak, the dialogue is terrible, there are tons of typos, and of course, it makes no fucking sense!

There are several ways Twilight could have solved this with a simple thought. And yet, she uses none of them. The whole point of this story was to make Twilight as unbelievable stupid as possible. For some reason, the author hates Twilight Sparkle so much that this story needed to be written.

Look if you don’t like Twilight Sparkle, fine. But if you are going to write her being stupid, it has got to make fucking sense! Her drinking the potion, not telling Celestia what has happened when she discovered that she is the murderer, her not isolating herself when she does figure it out is like you are intentionally trying to make her stupid.

That’s not how good writing works.

The other characters are not much better. Hell, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash seemed to be the only characters actually in character and that’s only because they weren’t in it for very long.

Applejack acts like an idiot for not question why Twilight would think she is responsible for their deaths, Rarity is insensitive and Shining Armor’s a moron. In my opinion, if these characters were this stupid, the probably deserved to die.

And then there is the stupid ass ending! What is that supposed to teach us? If you become a murderer and you kill those you love, it’s okay because there is some magic bullshit that will bring them back to life. Good god, what kind of lesson is that?

There is only one thing to say about this story…

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Stop being so courteous!

***

“Good fucking god, that one was awful,” he ranted as he stood up from his normal spot. Suddenly, the lights started to flicker. On and off without any kind of rhythm or rhyme. Critique glanced around him, noting the effects being felt across the entire house. “Computer?”

“It is-“ her speech was cut off by static. “-sir. Something is-“ again her speech was cut.

“Computer, what the hell is going on?!” Critique demanded as he looked up to the ceiling. The front door burst open, sending pieces of the splinters soaring into the room. The Critique fell to the floor, cowering.

He glanced to the opening of the building and spotted a figure trotting towards him. The smoke made concealed most of his body, but Critique was still able to make out his shape. It was certainly a pony. The wings at his side revealed him to be a Pegasus. As the smoke clear, he saw a blue Pegasus smirking at him.

“So, you’re what all the fuss is about?” The Pegasus chuckled. “I’m not impressed so far.”

Critique rose to his feet, glaring at his opponent. “Who the fuck are you?”

Streams of electricity flickered out of the Pegasus’s body as his eyes began to glow white. “The name is Thunder Ice.” He took a step forward. “I’d tell you not to forget it, but you won’t live long enough to worry about that.”

Thunder fired a stream of electricity at the Critique, hitting him before he could act. Critique’s body shook uncontrollably as the electrical current flew through his body. The jolt sent the Critique flying back into the wall behind him. He then fell to the ground with a thud.

His lungs unleashed a moaning as he slowly rose to his feet. Numbness shot through his legs. They tingled as his body attempted to bring life back into them. Looking up at his opponent, he saw him still carrying the same arrogant, pompous smirk he had when he came in. Whoever this pony was, he was taking pleasure in attacking him. “Did I do something to you I should know about? Stole your parking space?”

Thunder shook his head. “Don’t feel like that. It’s nothing personal.” His body began to flicker with electricity once more. “Well, maybe a little personal.” He fire another bolt of lightning at Critique.

Critique quickly leaped to the side, hoping to avoid the lightning bolt. By a miracle, he seemed to step out of its path in time. Whether the bolt was slower than he anticipated or he was fast enough to move out of the way, he wasn’t certain. He looked up to the ceiling as he made his way to the other side of the room. “Computer, shotgun!”

Like magic, a concealed door opened in one of the walls, firing the shotgun into the air and towards Critique. Critique snatched the shotgun from the air and pointed it at his opponent. With a quick pump, he pulled the trigger, unleashing a burst of pellets at Thunder.

However, before the pellets could reach Thunder’s body, there was flash of electricity in front of him, acting like a wall, stopping the blast. Again, Critique fired, hoping for a different reaction. Only to find the same electrical wall preventing any damage to Thunder. Again and again he fired. And again, the wall negated his attack.

Critique grunted in frustration as he threw his now empty shotgun to the ground. Well, that was fucking useless. Thanks, Celestia!

Thunder chuckled. “Nice shot.” He raised his hoof as electricity sparked from it. “Now, it’s my turn.” He pointed his hoof at Critique unleashing another bolt. Critique dived out of the way, narrowing avoid the blast.

Critique rushed into the kitchen with Thunder just behind him, repeatedly firing his lightning bolts at him. They flew past him, instead hitting the walls, leaving black scorching marks on the walls. Critique revealed his phone. “Computer, who is this guy?”

“Unknown-“ static cut her out again, making it impossible to tell what she was saying.

“Computer, what is going on?!”

Static began as she attempted to speak. “-tical interference. I am--- correct the problem.”

“Whatever! Just do something!”

Critique made his way to the far end of the kitchen. He turned to face his opponent, waiting for him to attack. He had hoped to find a weapon in the kitchen, but with Thunder so close, he couldn’t make a move. He needed to put some distance between them, but he wasn’t sure how yet.

He waited in the corner as Thunder slowly approached him, like a cat about to pounce on a helpless mouse. However, Thunder paused for a moment. He turned towards the sink next to him and grabbed one of the cups from the side. He turned on the facet and proceeded to gather up a drink of water.

Critique growled under his breath. Cocky, arrogant bastard! However, he took this moment to dash towards one of the cupboards. He quickly opened it up and revealed a pot. He stood up and threw the pot as hard as he could.

The pot soared through the air until it hit Thunder in the face, causing him to yelp in surprise. Critique had hoped it would knock him out quickly, but he was still standing.

Thunder turned towards Critique, glaring at him. “If you damaged my perfect face, I’ll fry you!” He raised his hoof and fired a stream of lightning at Critique.

Critique dove under the table, avoiding the electrical blast. “You were going to anyway!”

Thunder chortled. “Touché.”

Suddenly, a chilling wind tapped Critique’s front hooves. He stammered backwards as he glanced forward. The floor was coated in ice and the source was coming from Thunder.

Critique raced out from under the table, his eyebrow raised. “You have ice powers too?! That’s so not fair!”

Thunder rose to his feet and conjured a gentle cool breeze against his body. “Now, that’s what I call refreshing.”

Lightning fired from Thunder’s hoof as he pointed it back to Critique. Critique darted for the main hall, hoping that he wasn’t hit by another blast of electricity.

As he entered the main hall, Critique made his way upstairs. He positioned himself on top of the stairs, ready to pounce on his target at any moment. Thunder appeared from the kitchen, scanning the area. While he was distracted, Critique gathered all the strength in his legs and leaped off the staircase, descending to his opponent.

He knocked him to the ground, his forelegs wrapped around him. “Gotcha!” Critique shouted.

Thunder’s eyes glowed as electricity shot through his body and into Critique’s.

Critique yelped in agony as he let go of Thunder’s body. The force of the electricity sent him soaring back several feet. His ears were ringing and his vision faded in and out, as if the lights were flickering on and off. When his vision returned, he noticed Thunder standing directly over him.

“You’re not very smart, are you?” Thunder taunted.

Critique quickly swept his hind leg under Thunder’s forelegs. Without his forelegs, Thunder tumbled to the ground with a thud.

Critique took that moment to rise to his feet and dart to the other end of the library and hide behind a bookshelf. “Computer, now would be good!” He yelled to his phone as a surge of electricity slammed in the book case, lighting several of the books on fire.

“Our foe seems to utilize electricity. It is why it has taken me so long to communicate with you.”

Critique dashed away from the bookcase as it creaked behind him. He narrowly evaded the bookcase as it collapsed to the ground. “Got any other useless information?”

“Have you tried using rubber gloves, sir?” her voice slightly more sarcastic than usual.

Critique ran towards a ladder that lead to higher shelves and the upper level of the library. “Do we have any?!” Another bolt of lightning ran past him, slamming into the wall instead. Thank god, this guy’s a lousy shot.

Critique made his way to the far end of the upper level, crouching into a corner, holding his phone up to his face.

“Indeed we do, sir. Not that you would ever use them to actually clean anything.”

Critique gave a sigh. “That’s why I have you.”

“Regardless, they are in the kitchen.”

Critique’s mouth dropped as his brow narrowed. “Why didn’t you tell me while I was in there?!”

“I assumed you already knew. Apparently, I forgot who I was talking to.”

Critique mockingly mimicked Computer, as he poked his head out from behind the bookcase. Another bolt of lightning shot against the bookcase, causing it to rumble. Critique moved out from behind the book case. He dashed across the walkway above the main floor, avoiding shots of electricity as he moved.

However, his luck was cut short when a blast of lightning finally found his body, sending him to the back bookcase. As he landed on the floor, books fell to the ground with him, some of them slamming into his back. His body throbbed uncontrollably, as if the electricity was still affecting him. Black spots covered his body that burned his skin. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

He glanced forward to see a book in front of him burning up. He quickly glanced at the title. “Oh, man! I was almost done with that one too! Now, I’ll never know if Pinkie and Twilight got married!”

His phoned beeped. “Don’t you have more pressing matters to attend to?”

Critique grumbled under his breath. “It was one of the few good stories in this stupid place.” He crawled along the ground, staying as low as he could, but still trying to move quickly. He looked over to his right to see the blue Pegasus soaring up to the higher floors, his hooves pointing straight at him.

So much for that idea, Critique screamed. He quickly picked himself up off the ground and made a mad dash for the kitchen. As he moved, he heard Thunder give a sigh of relief as a cold breeze flew across his face. What is this guy’s problem?

It didn’t seem to matter as that few seconds gave him ample time to make his way down the staircase and into the kitchen.

“They should be in the first cabinet,” Computer’s voice rung from his phone.

Critique dove for the cabinet and opened it as quickly as he could. He frantically shoved several cleaners around, looking for the rubber gloves. Finally, he found the two yellow gloves trapped in a plastic wrapper. “Perfect.”

“Remember, some of my systems are still suffering from the electrical interference. I will be unable to be of much assistance.”

Critique scoffed with a confident smile. “Relax.” He tore open the plastic wrap and slipped the long yellow gloves over his forelegs. “I can handle this.”

A bolt of electricity soared over his head, causing him to hit the ground, quaking in fear. He turn to the doorway of the kitchen to see Thunder standing over him. With his confident smile still intact, he fired a blast of lightning at Critique.

Critique raised his forelegs in front of him. He closed his eyes, praying to whatever god was listening that this would work. A second passed and his felt no pain in his body. He opened his eyes to see Thunder’s mouth hung open. It appears that the gloves had worked.

Thunder scoffed and shook his head. “Really? Rubber?”

Critique smiled and laughed. “Let’s see how tough you are without your lightning powers!” Critique rushed to Thunder. Thunder fired a blast of lightning at him, but Critique was able to block it with his rubber glove.

After coming within striking distance, Critique delivered a blow with his foreleg. Thunder staggered to the ground, but was able to get back to his feet. Another blow came to his face, the rubber glove protecting Critique from any damage.

Thunder stumbled backwards, but was able to keep his footing. As Critique swung another blow, Thunder caught the attack in his own hoof. A quick burst of ice and the glove was frozen solid. Critique’s mouth dropped open as he let out a nervous laugh.

A moment later, a bolt surged through Critique’s body, sending him several feet across the room, slamming into the floor. Critique slowly rose from the ground, the smell of burning meat assaulting his nostrils. “What smells so good?” Critique quipped.

“Not funny, sir,” Computer replied.

Thunder growled as he fired another lightning bolt. Critique quickly rose to his feet and ran for the other side of the room, avoiding the blast.

Critique dove for the cover of the table, avoiding another blast of lightning. As he shivered under the table, he heard the facet turn on once again. He looked out from under the table and Thunder was once again, stealing a drink of water.

What is with this guy?! He stops to steal my water before frying my ass! Critique curled back under the table, grumbling under his breath. However, a though then came to him. What if that isn’t arrogance? What if it’s something else? He quickly reexamined every aspect of the fight he could remember. How the electric attacks were used and for how long. How the ice powers were used. Everything that Thunder had said it the fight. It all led to one answer.

He whispered to his phone, “Computer, turn off all water to the building and turn up the heat all the way.”

“You have a plan?”

Critique shook his head. “I hope so. Otherwise, this will be a short fight.” Critique revealed himself out from under the table. “Yo! Thunder Ass!” Thunder turned towards him firing a bolt of lightning. Critique dove out of its path and raced back into the main hall.

As he made his way to the center of the hall, he found the bookcase from earlier still on the ground, most of the books were now piles of ash. The only thing left from the fire was smoke. He turned his head to the kitchen and shouted. “Can’t you fry any of the bad ones?! Those were good ones!”

Thunder appeared from the kitchen, the same damn smirk on his face. “Oh, I’ll fry the bad one!” He unleashed another bolt from his hoof.

Critique ducked as the bolt passed over his body. Okay, good quip.

He rose to his feet and ran towards another bookcase, hiding behind it. Another series of blasts came at the Critique, but he narrowly avoided them. As he sat down a moment to catch his breath, beads of sweat ran down his face. He wiped his brow gathering all of the sweat in his gloveless hoof. It is getting hot in here. He unwrapped the scarf around his neck and threw it to the ground. Hopefully, he’s feeling it too.

“You know that thunder is the sound, right?!” Critique shouted. “Not the actual bolt itself!”

Another blast hit the bookshelf, causing the books to light on fire. Critique raced out of his only cover, exposing himself out in the open.

Thunder grinned as their eyes met. With a swift move, Thunder unleashed a bolt of lightning at Critique. Critique raised his gloved foreleg in front of him, allowing the glove to absorb the attack. “Is that the best you’ve got? Even Lightning was tougher!”

Thunder growled. He slowly raised his hoof and pointed it at the Critique.

Critique smiled as he watched his opponent. His movements were sluggish. Thunder’s breath was heavy, like he had just run a marathon. “Couldn’t help but notice, you stopped mouthing off.” Critique leaned forward and gave a smirk. “What’s the matter? Mouth a little-“ he licked his lips. “-dry?”

Thunder unleashed a bolt of lightning from his hoof. Critique stepped out of the attack’s path. “You’re so slow. Too hot for you.”

Thunder rushed back into the kitchen and made his way to the sink. He turned the facet handles. Putting the cup under the facet, he waited for the cup to fill. However, not a single drop came to the cup.

Critique watched as Thunder threw the cup against the floor. “That lightning you generate must be incredibly strenuous on your body. It causes your body to overheat. That’s why you need the ice powers.”

Thunder turned to him, his eyes narrowed and his teeth gritting. He raised his hoof and pointing his hoof at Critique.

Critique grinned. “You’re like a battery. You use a lot of electricity and that overheats your body. The ice powers act like a fan.”

Thunder unleashed another bolt of lightning, but as before, Critique simply stepped out of the way.

Critique took a small step towards him. “But what happens when that fan breaks?”

Thunder fell to his knees, heavy panting filling the air around them. “You haven’t beaten me.”

A shadow appeared over Thunder, as he looked up he saw Critique, his hoof ready to strike. “Loser, I just did.”

With a swift blow, Critique delivered his hoof into Thunder’s face. Thunder fell to the ground without another movement.

A tingling sensation was sent up Critique’s foreleg as his hoof started throbbing. “Jesus, that fucking hurt!” He grabbed his hoof and started to shake it, as if trying to shake off the pain.

“Sir, are you alright?” Computer asked.

Critique looked up to the ceiling. “Just fucking peachy.” He looked back down to his hoof, still stinging. “I think I broke my fucking hoof.”

“You will be happy to know that all my systems are back online and that I have sent a message to Princess Celestia about your attack.”

Critique looked back up to the ceiling, his mouth wide open. “You mean you haven’t done that yet?!”

“As I said, my systems were compromised by the electrical interference. The communication system was jammed. Proving that, once again, this was no random attack.”

“What do you mean?”

“That is twice you have been attacked for no reason. While you are incredibly unlikeable, nopony we know would attack you like this. Certainly not want to see you dead. These ponies intentionally choose you. Remember what Lightning Dawn said when you first fought him?”

Critique put his hoof on his chin and shook his head.

“He said that you had put his people in danger.”

“But I don’t do anything!” Critique responded.

“Perhaps, sir. But he believes that you are.”

Critique couldn’t help but stare at the ground, where his opponent lay. Thoughts of more ponies like him, like Lightning, plagued his mind. If these attacks were planned by somepony, and these ponies were just the puppets, who was the puppet master?

***

As the monitor flashed in front of him, it revealed the image of the green stallion standing over another one of his warriors in victory.  The Grand Ruler shook his head in disapproval. Thunder was powerful, that was no mistake, but he was rash and arrogant. That was, of course, his down fall. And while he stated to being loyal to him, he did not believe. The Grand Ruler had faith that one day, he would believe and the power of believing would see him through the most difficult of challenges.

Until then, Thunder was a lost soul, looking for the light.

The sound of hoofsteps echoed into the room. “Has there been any word, my Grand Ruler?” Starla’s voice was heard from the darkness.

The Grand Ruler looked back up to the screen. “There has.” Silence reigned in the room for several moments as Starla approached the Grand Ruler’s throne. “Thunder has failed.”

Starla lowered her head, a frown appearing on her face. She glanced away from the screen. The Grand Ruler turned towards her and shook his head. “I fear that our enemy is growing more powerful each passing day.”

Starla raised her head up and took a step forward. “Allow me to deal with him, my Grand Ruler.”

“No. I shall have another deal with him.”

Starla took another step forward. “But-“

The Grand Ruler slammed is hoof against the arm of his throne. “I said, I forbid it.”

Starla lowered her head and turned towards the exit. Her echoing hoofsteps becoming silent as she disappeared into the darkened room.

The Grand Ruler placed his hoof on his chin. One of my unicorns has failed. A Pegasus with powers has failed. Perhaps the answer to defeating him lies in a human.

The Grand Ruler smiled. And I know just the one. It was the perfect human. A human with the power to snap the Critique’s neck like a twig. Surely then, they would have the peace they desired.

The High Road

Hello, everypony. I am Computer.

I know that many of you were expecting my master to do his usual reviews. However, for the past week, he has been bedridden. Apparently, the last story he reviewed took quite a toll on his psyche.

Do not worry about the stallion that attempted to kill him. He receives death threats almost every day. Unfortunately, he will be unable to review this week. Do not worry, he will return next week.

However, to ensure that his work does go on, I will be performing the review for this week.

MY LIFE IS HELL! EVERYTHING I DO SUCKS!

Pay no attention to him. He will be fine. As for the review, I have chosen a story that I think many of you will agree is a bad story.

This is usually the point where my master will attempt to prove how smart he is by explaining what he thinks he knows about Friendship is Magic. I will do no such thing. Instead, I will explain the premise of the story. A pony comes to the real world in order to convert a human into a brony.




This is usually the point where my master would place an image conveying his reactions. Allow me to try.

I hope that expression is sufficient. Yes, the idea for this story is as absurd as it sounds. However, unlike my master, who becomes too emotionally invested into his work, I will simply analyze this story for what it is, marking the good and the bad.

Let us begin the review of The High Road by Windy Chaser

I wish to talk about the description a bit. My master usually skips them, but I wish to do this review proper. The description before the story can be interpreted as a spoiler alert. It reveals that the main character, who is named Riley, is to become a brony with Rainbow Dash’s help.

This gives us the ending in the summery. After reading the description, it is unlikely that the reader will want to read the story, if the reader already knows the ending. In a summary of your story, you will want to describe events that the story will primarily focus on to draw your audience in. At the same time, you do not want to reveal anything about the story, leaving it ambiguous so that it entices the reader to discover more.

We begin our story with the main character introducing himself and what his interests are. I do not think that is a good way to begin the story. Usually, you will want to begin your story with something that attracts the attention of your audience.

Your audience is not interested in who you are as a person and what you are into. Your audience is interested in a story. They clicked on the link because they want a story being told to them. Once you have invested the reader into your story, then you can give them the bits of information you want to give them, allowing them to know your character.

My name is Riley, I am a brony. I am in a clan of gamers who play just to have fun.

I was under the impression that gamers typically play to have fun.

He explains how he one day met a pony that changed his life forever. Rainbow Dash.

Today,  I was playing minecraft, when I heard a bang on my window. I jerk my head over to the sound, but I see nothing.

I do not understand. Is this story in past tense or present tense? The story switches back and forth between them. ‘See’ is a present tense word. It shows what it currently happening now. For example, I ‘see’ a pathetic pony crying in his bed because of a fanfic he reviewed a week ago.

MY LIFE IS PATHETIC!

As you can see, currently what is happening, my master is crying his eyes out. That is an example of present tense. In past tense, such as the word ‘heard’, it would go something like, my master heard my comment about him being a crybaby.

5 YEARS OF ENGLISH LITERATURE CLASSES WASTED!

As you can see, I was referring to a previous comment that was stated. That is an example of past tense. This story switches between the two, making it difficult to determine when the story takes place. Is what the main character describing happening now? Or is he telling us about it from his memories?

The main character hears another knock at window and sees that Rainbow Dash is begging him to let her inside. He proceeds to do so and wraps her up in a blanket.

I must say for a human in the normal world, you have taken the news that there is a flying pony at your window quiet well. Most humans would have this reaction.

She is sitting there with a sad look on her face. I could tell she was upset about something

Question, would you expect any creature that was taken from their world for unexplained reasons not to be upset? Based on the information the main character describes to us, it is unlikely that our hero is very intelligent.

So, Rainbow Dash decides to stay with the stranger and become instant friends with him.

Correct me if I am wrong, but does it not take time to develop a friendship? Getting to know one’s history and backgrounds? Likes and dislikes? And yet, in this story, Rainbow Dash instantly takes a liking to a creature she has never seen before and knows nothing about.

I also told her she could sleep in my step-brothers bed.

I also told her that she could stay with me until she could find a way back to her home town. She is happy, and although I'm not a brony, I'm happy.

Goodness, it continues to switch back and forth between past tense and present tense. It continues throughout the story. I will attempt to resist the urge to point them out, but do not expect much success. I assume that it was written in this format to portray a diary approach in style, but even by taking that into account, it still does not make any sense.

The only reason I'm up this late, is because I got out of bed, I climbed on the rail of Rainbow Dash's bed, and now, I'm sitting there, staring at her.

Even by the standards of a machine that eyes her master every single night, that is disturbing. I hope none of you take that in anyway other than keeping a close watch on him.

The story continues in a My Little Dashie fashion. If you are unfamiliar with the My Little Dashie story, it is about a young man who finds a young Rainbow Dash and raises her as a daughter. It is quite an emotional piece. Perhaps my master will give his opinion on that one day.

Unfortunately, nothing of interest or anything of substance happens for several paragraphs, so I will omit them from my review.

Eventually, the parents of the main character discover Rainbow Dash and react how the main character should have reacted when he first saw her. The main character explains that he is not sure how Rainbow Dash appeared, but that he will care for her until they can find a way to transport her home.

The parents give the most realistic actions you could imagine. They are at first hesitant and aren’t sure what to make of her. However, they realize that the creature is a child and a stranger and they opt to help out however they can.

I suppose this is one of those rare stories where adult figures are not portrayed as “stupid or evil” as my master puts it.

One of the story elements that seemed to get repeated throughout the narrative is that the author attempts to convince us that he is not a brony and he never will be a brony. Sometimes it is not even a paragraph later we are reminded that he is not a brony.

I'm not sure what the HELL a sonic rainboom is, but I could always just go on Netflix, and take a peek at My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and see. Or I could always just ask a brony.

I smiled, pulled out my iPod, and looked at our pictures together, then I started to think something. (I think...I might be becoming a...brony!).

The only reason I thought this, was because of 1, the MILLIONS of REALLY funny brony videos on YouTube

But the only reasons I’m NOT going to do that is because, 1. I’m not a brony,

I know this is the central premise of the story, but must you constantly remind us that you are not a brony?

I am bothered by the SHOW itself. Look, I know that it would make me look “bad” in front of my friends…*No offence to any of you bronies, I don’t have a problem with you*.

Apparently, you must.

The main character wants to watch a movie with Rainbow Dash and he allows her to choose the movie. He then starts to explain Rainbow Dash’s personality in full detail. This is an example of telling us rather than showing us. Allow me to explain.

“Showing” in a narrative standpoint is the act making the reader feel what the characters are feeling in the story. For example, if I were to describe some pony as ‘smelly and disgusting’, you would only have the word of the author. That is an example of telling.

If I wanted to show you this ‘smelly and disgusting’ character it would look like this. “His zit covered face gave a yellow and black toothed smile. The stench of vomit and old garlic, originating from his breath, assaulted her nostrils.”

That is an example of showing. It allows the audience to realize just how repulsive that character is.

In this narrative, the author only explains Rainbow Dash’s personality. Stating that she is cocky, arrogant and tomboyish. However, we are never shown any evidence of this. If a complete stranger to the franchise was to read this story, it would leave them confused and they would not believe any information presented within the story.

And another concern is, the main character never learns these things about Rainbow Dash by interacting with her. He learns about them through Wikipedia. I am uncertain how to react to this, but so I will just show you something that I am sure my master would show.

However, she chooses a romance movie. And then Rainbow Dash begins to blush. … And then the main character starts to realize how in love with Rainbow Dash he is?... Hmm… Saving this for later.

Of course, this brings up a pertinent question. How long has Rainbow Dash been in the human world? By all accounts of the story, only 2 days have passed since Rainbow Dash appeared. And now, Rainbow Dash is in love with the main character? I do not believe that love works that quickly… In fact, I know it doesn’t.

So, they decide to watch their movie. It does not explain which movie they decided to watch either. It seems unnecessary to make a deal about movies you are going to watch and then not mention the one you would be watching. This would not bother me if not for the fact that several movies were mentioned before. Such as Friday the 13th, Red and Die Hard.

Oh, the things I would let Bruce Willis do to me.

I do not mind. It is still Bruce Willis.

They begin watching the movie and the main character begins making moves towards Rainbow Dash.

And it is at this point that the narrative changes its style again. It changes it from a first person perspective and switches between the thought process of Rainbow Dash and the main character.

(Sorry, but I’m gonna explain this, I will sometimes switch narration between Rainbow Dash, and me, so you have both perspectives of the story. it will be easy to notice it, I will put a - right before the sentence to symbolize a change.)

Unfortunately, it is not done very well at all and is incredibly confusing at times. Allow me to show you what I mean.

I saw it, she reached in, now was my chance. So I reached in after her. It worked. Our hand and hoof met, and she looked at me, and I looked at her. We couldn’t look away. Our hand and hoof were still holding. Now was the time.

-After I reached in, I felt his hand. I knew it, he does like me. I was nervous, and I didn’t know what to do. So I knew what to do. So I started to lean.

-It happened before I could notice. We kissed, and we stayed silent for the rest of the movie. Our hoof and hand no longer held.

When it was over we just stood there, not saying anything. Finally I broke the silence,”So...I hope that...um…” That was all I could say before I got on my bed, it was now or never!

As you can see, it is difficult to see when the breaks are. It would be easier to tell if there was a little more separation between the two characters speaking. Even my master is able to portray the different points of view with two different styles. By using his own text as black and my text as pink, one can easily tell which one of us is talking. It is also easier because every time one of us speaks, a new paragraph is formed.

EVERYTHING I TOUCH DIES!

Like that.

So they proceed to kiss as the movie goes on. He then asks if she wants to be his girlfriend to which Rainbow Dash says yes.

I believe that is a record in which one of the main characters of the show falls in love with a human, even though they have no chemistry together. A large problem with this story is that the human character and Rainbow Dash have nothing in common, they have not shared a conversation, they have not had any kind of interacting in which the characters learn about each other (save for the main character learning about Rainbow Dash by reading Wikipedia.), and they never have any interactions that would suggestion romance other than it being forced upon them.

At any rate, I suggest I continue on with the story. The main character receives a call on Skype from his friend.

They begin their conversation, which is never explored upon. We never see the conversation with the friend, we never see what he looks like or even what his name is. We only know that Rainbow Dash overhears the conversation and becomes worried that the main character likes the caller more than her.

I, unfortunately, do not understand why Rainbow Dash is upset. It is clearly stated in the story that the voice come from the computer is male and that Rainbow Dash is only several feet from the computer. It is revealed that it is indeed a call and not a typed message, so there should have been no reason why Rainbow Dash could not hear the conversation.

I do not understand how my master does this day in and day out.

I said that I was going to tell him, but before she could move, I said, “Look, I’ve known him for years, and we STILL have secrets we have kept, that we didn’t tell ANYONE about. If I told him, he would be confused, but he WOULD keep it a secret. So Dashie said ok hesitantly, then lied back down.

Emphasis on random words does not make your point look vaild. Sir, would you mind?

Huff… fine… EMPHASIS on random WORDS does not MAKE a VALID POINT! It ONLY makes YOU look UNEDUCATED! You WRITE as HORRIBLE as FRANK MILLAR!

Thank you, sir. I’m afraid I just do not have your… spunk.

Can I go BACK to CRYING in A corner?

So, the main character asks the friend for help setting up a date for Rainbow Dash and himself. The friend agrees without questioning it. I suppose that cartoon characters coming to life are just an everyday occurrence for this world.

So, they begin to leave to go on their date with the main character’s mother saying…

“Have fun with your new girlfriend.”

Hmm… it would seem that the main character is incapable of forming a relationship with his own species, so his parents are settling with whatever creature their son happened to fall in love with. I am curious what would happen if he were to fall in love with a toilet? Saving for further investigation.

We didn’t sleep separate, and we didn’t um…(you know). But, we did sleep in the same bed *PERVE*

You are on the defensive even though most of us were not thinking that. It makes me interested as to what you are hiding.

, but we just stayed up until 12:00, then we dozed off.

This does not help your argument.

If it seems difficult to keep track of what is going on, I apologize. The story is difficult to read and incredibly rushed. For all the words around it, the pacing is either incredibly sluggish with points that are irrelevant to the story, or incredibly rushed points that could be expanded upon.

Also, he apparently switches view to his best friend. At first, I was not able to tell. There is a symbol that signifies a change in view, but there is no mention to it being the friend that the main character called.

The main character shows the best friend Rainbow Dash in the flesh and the two agree to set up a date.

-I couldn’t WAIT for my date with Dash tonight. We were so excited, we could scream, but that would get A LOT of attention,

This STORY is really STUPID! It HURTS my BRAIN!

Does this mean you are going to get out of your depression and actually review it?

NO! I will NOT stop THIS!

Anyway, the two proceed to prepare for their date. Rainbow Dash puts on the dress that Rarity made for her.

My apologies, I must have missed something in the story. Allow me to re-read it really quick to ensure accuracy.


Oh, dear. Rarity’s dress, apparently, has been sitting in the main character’s dresser for the past few days. Rainbow Dash, when she appeared in the human world, had access to all of her dresses and clothes from Equestria. There was never mention of any of it traveling with her. There was never mention of her home traveling with her. And no mention of her having it when she first arrived. HOW IN THE…

Apologies. I lost my cool for a moment.

So, they come to the best friend’s house (who Rainbow Dash keeps referring to as 1 for the most bizarre of reasons).

She did so, and I knocked on the door. I heard something REALLY familiar…”****!”(That was supposed to be the dog’s name, but it is cencored)

This is quite odd considering you did not censor any words last chapter.

“Shit!” he said.

I do not understand why you began this story saying curse words, but stopped halfway. It would be like my master using swear words in half of his review and then changing it halfway.

Yeah, if you can actually believe that shit! Princess Molestia is the most viewed clopfic on the fucking website! How the **** bull*** is that, when this ugly ******* makes its ****** way to the **** shit fuck *** bastard **** asshole **** ***** **** **** shit!

As you can see, it is distracting.

So, they have their date, which is not described to us at all, so we really do not have any idea what they were doing or how they interact with one another, and before long they are home.

This author seems to have the writing skills of Mykan. … I did not just say that.

They arrive back at the house where Rainbow Dash shows her a potion. I am not entirely sure how Rainbow Dash was able to make a potion without any training or guidance from Zecora or Twilight Sparkle. Rainbow Dash explains that with this potion, the main character will be able to create and walk on clouds.

… What? … What?! …WHAT?! You cannot be serious! You must be joking! Tell me, please, that this is a joke! There is no possible way you can conceive to make me believe something so unashamedly senseless! I have already calculated 72 different reasons why this cannot work the way it is presented, but I shall narrow it down!

First, where did Rainbow Dash find the time to make the potion?! There is no explanation as to when she ever made it when all of her time was made ‘entertaining’ you!

Second, how was Rainbow Dash able to make a potion that could generate clouds?! Rainbow Dash is not a scientist! She is not fluent in magical potions making! She has no training and no ability to make this potion! I very much doubt that Professor Snape would be much help in this!

Third, how did she even know it would not poison him?! I very much doubt she tested the potion to make sure that the main character would not die of poison when he ingested it!

Fourth, how would he be able to generate clouds?! Does it change his entire biologic system?!

Fifth, why was this necessary for the story?! Since as we will see, it serves nothing to the overall plot of the story!

My… my most sincere apologies… I have no idea what came over me… Let’s just try to move on.

We ascended up into the sky, and just stood there for about an hour, doing nothing.

I question the point of the sentence.

So, Halloween approaches and the main character invites all his friends over for a Halloween party. Also, his six friends are strangely tolerable of their best friend dating a pony. I would question it, but logic seems not to have been a priority when this story was written.

But that is not all; even other ponies from the My Little Pony show decide to join the party. There is no explanation of how they arrived or how they lost Rainbow Dash to the human world to begin with and there is no heartfelt reunion. Am I the only one who thinks the behavior of the pony characters does not match up to what is canon?

So, they decide to play Guitar Hero and the main character shows how incredible he is on the guitar. You do realize that just because you can complete Dragonforce’s Through the Fire and Flames on expert 100% does not mean you can play it in real life. A real guitar is not the same as the fake plastic one. Not even close.

-So, I am really great full of Riley to put this party on for me, and get me a share of Halloween candy.

I assume that you mean grateful. Great full refers to something as being vastly stuffed. Unless that is what you are going for in that case, I only have one reaction to such an image.

We begin to see the main character struggling with his homework assignment shortly after the party. He leaves Rainbow Dash alone and… I’m sorry, but I cannot ignore this anymore. I must address it. The format of the story. There is no spacing between the paragraphs of the story. And it makes it very difficult to read.

Another issue I have found with this story is how repetitive it is. When I say repetitive, I mean it shows us scenes we have seen before. However, they take place from a different point of view. This would not be as bad as I am making it out to be, if it were not for the fact that the information presented to us in these differing points of view are not interesting, nor do they give us any information beyond what was already established in a previous point of view.

I do not understand what the point of this was. Was it to make sure the audience did not forget anything you had said?

The main character goes to Equestria to receive help on his homework, even though he mentioned that Twilight Sparkle would be unable to help him on the history of Paleo Indians.

The irony is the Paleo Indians are a more fascinating subject that the story presented before me. I would hope that somepony would write a fan fiction about a Paleo Indian appearing in Equestria. That would be an interesting human in Equestria story.

NO, it WOULDN’T! IT would SUCK!

You can stop doing that, sir. You have made your point.

And, again, there is no explanation of why Twilight Sparkle can generate portals to Equestria and the human world and there is no explanation as to why Rainbow Dash appeared in the human world in the first place.

The main character returns home after finishing his homework assignment and crawls into bed with Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash asks about the television show, Friendship is Magic. However, the main character starts to throw up his candy before he can answer.

This causes Rainbow Dash to retract her question.

I must question this scene. Rainbow Dash just discovered that in the human world, she is a fictional character. Would she not have questions about her existence? I suppose that she had made peace with the fact that she is not real.

I don’t want to stop here about my relationship with Dash. I want to continue it. So i will stop here, but I will continue tomorrow.

I can safely say, you are the only one. … My apologies. I think my master is rubbing off on me.

The next day, it turns out that there is a flu that is spreading throughout the human world and that Twilight Sparkle is the cause of it. Twilight Sparkle comes to the human world to apologize, but the main character replies that it is alright. And then Twilight Sparkle leaves.

Interesting. Twilight Sparkle traveled all the way to the human world, simply to apologize to the main character for something that she had no control over. It is odd that Twilight Sparkle would do this considering that she hardly knows the main character.

(ironically ) The first day I found out, I was playing minecraft (I was playing minecraft when I met Dahsie).

No. This is not an example of irony. This is an example of coincidence. And no, they are not the same thing. Allow me to explain.

Irony is incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result, or where one thing is expected to happen, but another event takes place.

Coincidence is making a relationship to a series of events where none may or may not exist. The occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection.

An example of irony would be a man who promotes seatbelt safety, but he is killed in a car accident because he didn’t wear his seatbelt. A reviewer who receives bad reviews on his reviews. Or a group of people saving two seals from an oil disaster, only for the seals to be devoured by killer whales a few minutes later.

All examples of irony. An example of coincidence is when you and your friend met at the same restaurant without any prior planning. Or when you think about the professor from your college classes and he just happens to appear, as you are thinking about them.

Anyway, the main character continues on about his day while he was sick.

We watched Ted by Seth MacFarlane. Seth rocks, by the way.

No, he does not. That movie was horrible.

The flu I have right now isn't painful or making me sore. Twilight told my mom about this, she called the school, and just said I was REALLY sick, and that we weren't sure how long I was going to be sick for.

Surprisingly, the district office fell for it.

One, I am offended by this. School is a necessary environment where you learn skills necessary to face the real world, such as math, science, history, music, physical education, art, life skills, financial education and social skills. For one to abandon 6 to 7 hours of their day of learning, to instead, spend it in a forced romantic interest, makes me nauseated.

Second, I do not think the district office runs the attendance for a single school. I believe that is the job of the attendance office of each school.

So, it turns out that Twilight Sparkle’s friends, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy have all become sick from the flu. The main character’s mother agrees to take care of all of them while Twilight Sparkle studies it. It seems that they would trust a human they know for one day rather than their own families and own race. Are all ponies like this?

We then see this sentence and I worry for the rest of the story.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I looked up a montage of Rainbow Dash moments from season 1, and just by seeing THAT, I am worried that I may have changed her personality ENTIRELY.

Just saying.

A very astute observation. Now, what do you plan to do about it?

Okay back to sickness.

I see. So, that last sentence about Rainbow Dash’s personality was completely and utterly pointless.

The main character, despite being sick, decides that he needs to work to help the other characters feel better. However, Rainbow Dash starts to snap at him, telling him that he needs his rest. The main character then describes to us a previous girlfriend who he had fought with, that resulted in them breaking up.

No, we never see that argument and we never see the girl he mentioned. Once again, this was completely pointless. There does not seem to be any point to this story and its characters. I think the Pointless Forest had more of a point to it in the Point.

Youtube Video

I love this movie. For a children’s story, it is quite philosophical. And the music is quite catchy.

So, it looks like Rainbow Dash is getting sick as well. Fearing the worst after Rainbow Dash faints, Twilight Sparkle takes a dose of Rainbow Dash’s blood for analysis. She then returns to explain that Rainbow Dash is not sick, but instead…

"Rainbow Dash, you weren't sick, but Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rarity, and AJ's weak pre-sicknesses together caused you to faint like that, and the only reason nopony else did was because they weren’t together enough for them to catch it. They also had to be in the source together for a good amount of time for it to happen. That is why you fainted. You aren't sick, and you can't catch it, because no matter what you do here, it's not strong enough to spread."

If my IQ could be accurately depicted, it would be approximately 340. And I still have no idea what was just explained to me.

So, Rainbow Dash attempts to cook ramen noodles for the main character, but the main character is afraid that Rainbow Dash will blow herself up with the stove. While my own master is unable to use the microwave without assistance, I very much doubt that Rainbow Dash is that unintelligent.

She has read the Daring Doo books, so I imagine she could read the instructions on the Ramen noodle package.

It turns out that she does do so, if only with the main character’s help. Most of you would say this takes away from Rainbow Dash’s character, basically stating that Rainbow Dash is incapable of performing any task without the help of a male character. However, your woes are misplaced. While this is quite bigotry, the character that is in this story acts nothing like Rainbow Dash, so it is impossible for it to actually be Rainbow Dash. You may all take a breath of relief.

Rainbow Dash serves everypony their food and apparently for her first time making Ramen, the main character claims it is the best he has ever had. I did not know that Rainbow Dash was taking cooking lessons from Pinkie Pie and Applejack, since this would be the only way I would believe this.

As he eats, the main character starts thinking about Rainbow Dash’s parents and who they are and where they are now. The main character asks Fluttershy about orphans in Ponyville.

I swear, you say Scootaloo, I’m going to cut you!

Please, ignore him. Fluttershy explains who in Ponyville has no parents and can name three. Does it seem odd that the shyest pony in Equestria knows information on other ponies like this?

Derpy Hooves, she is a pony who likes to be funny for the town, but sometimes isn't respected all the time."

… I am not sure if I should be offended for reading that… Or ashamed for bringing notice to it?

She says Spitfire and then we have this really dramatic build up to the last name she gives… I do not know if I like it or not.

That was the truth, I was ready for the words "Rainbow Dash" leave her mouth, which I KNOW she wouldn't say, it HAD to be Fluttershy who would say her own name. She was simply just too shy to tell me. She then said okay...then she said the last pony's name.

She started to cry "Rainbow Dash..."

Youtube Video

Rainbow Dash reveals that she lived in an orphanage most of her life. As she explains, she starts to cry over the loss of her parents. However, the main character begins to feel badly for pushing the issue with Rainbow Dash’s parents. This is probably the only story I have seen where the main character actually takes responsibility for his actions. (Even though they are rather strange circumstance, but I am certain this will be the strongest point of the story)

However, Rainbow Dash and the main character lock themselves in a bathroom for some privacy. Twilight Sparkle comes along to check on them and they explain that Rainbow Dash does not have any parents, which causes Twilight Sparkle to start crying.

I know that losing your parents must be quite difficult. But I did not expect it to be that emotional? Unfortunately, it is not emotional to your audience because we never see the parents that Rainbow Dash lost. Yes, it is tragic, but there is nothing to relate to with Rainbow Dash’s pain. We never see any kind of relationship Rainbow Dash had with her parents.

With this setup, it seems like the thing she is upset about, is the fact that she is parentless. And that is all.

Everypony and his mom, but Fluttershy were asleep. I'm glad she was the only one who knew.

Wait, did you not just tell Twilight Sparkle about your parents? And really? Fluttershy is the only pony you know who knows you are an orphan? … I really do not understand this story.

Twilight Sparkle explains that the flu that the main character and the others have will be cured within two weeks. In the meantime, Rainbow Dash continues to take care of them and helps the main character keep up on his studies. However, Rainbow Dash hopes to help him even further by… transforming herself into a human?

… Yes, apparently Twilight Sparkle can build a machine that can transform Rainbow Dash into a human. That is really quite a stretch for me to believe.

Meanwhile, the main character explains how the flu makes him feel.

It sucked, because it felt like a steel blade was puncturing my lungs, and stomach.

Do not tease me with such beautiful imagery. … I really need to stop doing that.

And of course, the main character thinks it is a wonderful idea and they travel to Equestria to transform Rainbow Dash into a human.

We went over to Twilight’s house, lightly knocked the door, and Twilight’s “assistant”, Spike opened the door.

Why is ‘assistant’ in quotation marks? Are you implying that Spike does nothing for Twilight Sparkle? ... Spike does quite a bit for Twilight Sparkle. If you had ever seen a single episode of the show, that would have been apparent.

They explain to Twilight Sparkle their idea and Twilight Sparkle said she could build it in 5 hours. My apologies… Let me reread that. It looked like it said…

Dash told Twilight about the problem she was having, and Twilight went into deep thought, and after 5 seconds, she said she will have it done in 5 hours.

… I suppose that Twilight Sparkle is the smartest pony in all of Equestria. She is able to build a complex machine that would transform a normal Pegasus back and forth between a human being and a pony and all in the span of 5 hours. Unbelievable. What is it you are always saying about science, sir?

Fuck it, we got rocks!

Yes, that is the only way she was able to build this complex machine. She built it out of rocks.

So, Twilight Sparkle allows Rainbow Dash to test the machine and transforms into a human. But not just a human. A naked human. And there is our nudity for the story. How wonderful… That was a sarcastic remark.

The main character then asks Twilight Sparkle for a machine just like Rainbow Dash’s, but one that can transform him into a pony. And 5 hours later, Twilight Sparkle comes back with a machine for the main character. I am not sure if it is mathematically possible for me to care anymore.

The main character and Rainbow Dash start to adjust to their new forms and the main character picks out what he will look like when he is a pony.

Then…

She said that the devices were no longer needed, and that we could change from pony to human and back without the machine.

… It… has not… even been… a day. Not even one day. Not a single day! How are they able to change back and forth between a human and a pony without the use of a machine that’s sole purpose is to do that?! How are they to activate it, when they had buttons that was supposed to do that for them?! Why are they suddenly able to do this?! If Twilight Sparkle was able to give them these powers with a simple injection, why did she bother with building the machines in the first place?!

… I’m sorry… But this story… The logic behind it… It is … incomprehensible. I would really like to study the method that came to this conclusion.

They take him to Celestia… and then leave. I do not see the point of that.

So, the main character reveals to his friends that he can transform into a pony at will.

1’s mouth dropped, 2 was saying, “DUUUDE!” 3’s eyes were as bulged as melons, 4, just looked at me doing all of what the were doing.

Thank you, Mr. the Dude.

Oh and remember the main character constantly reminding us that he is not a brony.

The only reason I didn’t use words like, “Equestria”, and “Ponies” was because all of this madness got them to start thinking I was a brony. (Once again, I have NOTHING against bronies, but I hate the judgmental people)

I really have a hard time seeing any kind of point in this story.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash comes to the main character’s school in her human form and everyone becomes instantly jealous of her.

The boys start drooling over her and the girls instantly despise her for her perfect form, even though Rainbow Dash is not really using natural beauty but is using magic and creating an image of whatever she desires into a machine. How metaphorical.

After class, the main character is confronted by a group of bullies.

Now, these were guys that DID NOT like me, whenever I said ANYTHING, they would say something like, “Shut the fuck up, kid.”

If I may be so bold, I believe that they respond as such because most of everything you say is either ignorant or idiotic. If you wish for them to stop saying what they have been, I would recommend stop speaking. Ever.

They all looked over at me, and I could tell they thought differently of me when they saw me walk off with her holding her hand.

Yes. You can exploit the one you love to make yourself more popular at school. That is a clear sign of affection. If any girl makes you unpopular at school, no matter how much you love them, they must be cast aside. I am so glad that the story recognizes this truth about life. … I can understand now why my master has so much rage against stories like this.

After a few days of school, Rainbow Dash starts to have nightmares. Nightmares about her friends, family and the main character being killed. And then Rainbow Dash starts to talk about committing suicide.

Yes, the author of this story just turned our beloved Rainbow Dash, into somepony who would kill herself because she is having bad dreams. Now, I realize that she could be reacting irrationally due to her lack of sleep. However, does the Rainbow Dash you have set in your mind, the Rainbow Dash that is canon with the show, seem like the type of character who would want to commit suicide like this? For this reason?

And then by the next chapter, she is completely recovered. No… really. That is what it says. I am not making this up.

She recovered, and we are glad

There is no mention of how she recovered. No mention of how she overcame the nightmares. No mention of how she was able to get through this trying time. One moment she is depressed, the next moment, she is fine. And while the dates dictate that several weeks pass by before Rainbow Dash is recovered, would you not have wanted to read about her recovery? The ups and downs of her struggling with her inner torment?

However, it seems that after the nightmares stopped, Rainbow Dash disappeared for a year. Yes, it looks like she is recovering just fine.

I don’t even get up in the morning at all because of the nightmares I’m having. These are exactly like the ones my precious Dash started having three months ago, but I feel like mine are a lot more agonizing.

Wait, did you not say that Rainbow Dash was missing for a year? How would you know that she has been having nightmares when you have not been in contact with her?

Apparently, space and time are a nonissue in this story. The main characters says that he refuses to kill himself. And then immediately after tries to kill himself.

He fails and the story continues. He then explains how Rainbow Dash was killed. Apparently, they were out partying one night, when they are suddenly attacked by some muggers. Rainbow Dash is shot and is bleeding out. The main character tries to confront them, but is shot in the leg.

He transforms into his Pegasus form and tries to catch up with them, but the wound causes him to pass out and loses them.

That was the story in it’s shortest, simplest, and least horrible form. The real, and detailed story is too much for me to write on this...

And it was less for the author to write.

So the main character decides that he cannot live without Rainbow Dash any longer and so he decides to kill himself. He points a gun to his head, but before he can pull the trigger, he is stopped by Fluttershy.

God, I can’t believe she is so kind.

Hence, the element of kindness. The main character asks Twilight Sparkle and the others to destroy the portal to Earth if they ever find Rainbow Dash, stating that the human world has nothing to offer her and that he failed her. However, he wants to come to Ponyville to leave Earth behind.

Twilight Sparkle, of course agrees. I have not made any sarcastic comments because I am still mathematically calculating how much I do not care.

So, the main character goes and lives in Equestria, where, a month later, he tries to kill himself. And then we jump to, two months earlier?

… Nope, I’m still calculating.

However, before he can hit the ground, Rainbow Dash comes back and saves him. And in case you are wondering, no, we never get an explanation.

So, Rainbow Dash and he get married, he moves to Equestria with Celestia removing all memory of him even being on earth and they all live happily ever after.

And that was the High Road. Honestly, the title doesn’t make any sense. There was never any mention of any High Road or path that the character took to bettering himself. I suppose that it could have been that he did not commit suicide, but he tried to kill himself three times.

This story falls short in almost every category. The grammar is not presented very well. The spelling is only decent. The characters are not in character. The plot is underwhelming and lackluster.

However, I will say this. There was a potentially good story here. While the set up for most of it was bad and the explanations for most of the story was nonexistent, it did take bigger risks than most other stories about this subject. For one, it didn’t reduce Rainbow Dash to a sex object. There was never any mention of sex. It didn’t give the main character extra superpowers like most stories (with the exception of the cloud powers that seemed to disappear after its debut) and it actually had a pretty dramatic ending with Rainbow Dash’s depression and kidnapping, trying to tie those events together.

However, it falls flat because of its pacing, the rushed romance, the style, the shifting between past and present tense, the flat characters, the strange transformation that really did not play a large part in the story, and the lack of any real conflict. I am not saying that a story has to have a ‘fate of the world’ plot, but the most we get is a sickness that does not affect much of the story.

Overall rating. Poor.

And that is my review. Do not expect me to do very many of these. As for my master, let us check up on him.

Soren the Alicorn Part 1, huh? Meh, how bad can it be?

He’s doing better already. Have a good day, everypony.

FUUUUUU-!

Soren the Alicorn Part 1: Part 1

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Stop me when this sounds stupid.

An OC alicorn loses his memory-

That sure didn’t take long, did it?

Yes, the idea is not a promising one, is it? Frankly, you are all not alone on this. As I look down to the comment section to see what others have said about the story, their refusal to read this story has made me question whether or not it was actually any good.

Spoilers, it sucks. But just exactly how does it suck? Well, that’s what you’re here to find out. So, let’s dig into Soren the Alicorn: Part 1 by King Nyroc15 and see why people hate OC alicorns so much.

Before we even start the story, we get a healthy author’s note.

Before you all dive into this interesting story,

I somehow have a feeling that line is a lie.

I would like to say that this story has some references and ideas created by other people.

Translation: I am going to rip off other people’s ideas and claim it as my own.

Oh, and it turns out I’m not that far from that either.

From real life songs to little ideas based off of other people's work.

Well, I’ll give this guy this much. At least he’s being honest when he’s stealing someone’s work.

I would also like to point out that the story MAY contain parts in the beginning that you may not understand, so just push past it and maybe it will be explained later in the story.

I would certainly hope so, because that may or may not make what you said stupid.

Maybe ;).

Okay, so that means nothing is going to be explained. Oh, joy of joys.

Also, for the songs, ponify any words that fit the scene.

Copy and paste is your friend!

Enjoy the story.

I’m pretty sure I won’t. The story basically said that it’s going to copy from some other stories and that it may or may not contain explanations to everything. Wonderful…

We open our story with this narration.

Ever since the Elements of Harmony defeated the evil King Sombra and saved the Crystal Empire,

Bull crap! It was the Crystal Heart that defeated King Sombra, not the Elements of Harmony! The first sentence and already the continuity of the show has been thrown out the window! Well, that or he is calling Twilight and her friends ‘the Elements of Harmony’, but that’s another can of stupid!

The small, colorful town of Ponyville was one of the only places in Equestria where things are never quite normal.

Of course, in a town where Pinkie Pie is a resident, can you ever truly be in a town that is normal?

More events have happened there than any other area in the country. And on this day, in the beginning of autumn, another event is going to happen. An event that will change Ponyville, and possibly all of Equestria, forever.

Princess Twilight Sparkle has declared that every Tuesday will be Taco Tuesday!

So, we cut to a Pegasus who wakes up in a strange place. I’ll give this story points for having him not appear in the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash find him and try to comfort him.

However, directly afterward, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash see that…

"You...You're...an ALICORN?!" she asked.

:flutterrage: We don’t like alicorns in these parts! Burn him at the stake!

Rainbow Dash asks who the kid is, but the kid responses that he can’t remember. We then have Rainbow Dash asking herself what is a kid doing out here. Fluttershy tries to comfort him and then… she starts thinking about how his wings are?

And then we have the alicorn kid, thinking about how he is being treated like a kid?

Okay, this is really confusing. I understand that the characters are being shown their thought process, but it comes off too frequently. Yeah, there are no rules against changing points of view in a third person story, but it isn’t even a sentence and the characters that speak sometimes aren’t the same characters that have thoughts in the same paragraph. It’s really hard to tell one character thoughts apart from the character that is speaking.

The kid then realizes that he’s an adult in a kid’s body. Rainbow Dash doesn’t believe him saying…

"You can stop the charade, kid," she said. "You dont expect us to believe you have amnesia and you're a fully grown stallion."

Man, I didn’t expect Rainbow Dash to be such an ass to kids.

Huh, I stand corrected.

So, Rainbow Dash continues to interrogate the kid when suddenly, the stress of the questions causes the kid’s horn to start glowing and turns Rainbow Dash into ice. And rather than fleeing in terror like Fluttershy probably should, she instead tries to comfort the little alicorn and says that she will take him to somepony who can help him. They leave Rainbow Dash stuck in the ice with the little alicorn stating to himself…

'Maybe this mare knows that the ice will melt eventually?' he asked himself, slowly doubting that she did.

Yes, but Rainbow Dash was found dead afterwards. We can start with murder on the list of things I do not like about this character.

Fluttershy takes him to all the friends she has in Ponyville before finally stopping at Twilight’s house to get her opinion on the whole thing.

'Geez, I didnt realize this town was mostly female,' the grown(?) foul thought to himself. 'Not that I'm complaining.'

I would like to remind you that there are plenty of male characters in the show.

Shining Armor, Big MacIntosh, Pipsqueak, Spike, Doctor Whooves (or some of you prefer Time Turner), Fancy Pants, Mr. Cake, Filthy Rich, Doc Top, The Conductor, Gizmo, Randolf, Bulk Biceps (or Snowflake as some of you prefer) Cloud Chaser, Crafty Crate, etc.

Okay, of all of those mentioned only two are actual major characters, but there are a good amount of stallions as there are mares. Just saying.

Upon seeing the young alicorn, Twilight it seems goes through a strange variety of emotions.

The unicorn's expression went from shocked to nervous to extreme excitement.

Well, at least these emotions are shown to us in a fashion that would indicate these emotions being conveyed. … I am running out of ways to say, SHOW, DON’T TELL! Hell, emoticons could have shown more emotion.

So, Twilight asks the little alicorn who he is and where he comes from, but the alicorn claims he can’t remember. The others arrive and Twilight asks why Rainbow Dash didn’t believe that the little alicorn’s story.

"Because how was i supposed to know that he was telling the truth? And how do we know he is an actual alicorn? Maybe somepony put a spell on him or something. He's at least a unicorn; I know that personally." The alicorn chuckled secretly.

Yes, because I’m sure somepony just duct taped those wings onto him. I’m know that Rainbow Dash isn’t the brightest, but come on. Even the High Road had a more intelligent Rainbow Dash than this!

So, Twilight begins to write a letter to Celestia, explaining the situation. Rarity says that they need to come up with a name for him. I personally like Road Kill; since that’s what I hope he’ll be when this is all over. However, Rainbow Dash suggests ‘Soren.’

Well, okay, it’s not the most pony name you could have given him. But at the very least, it’s not like some super special name that has significance to who he is destined to be or some bullshit like that-

"In the history of Cloudsdale, there was a pegasus called Soren the Swift. He was the fastest and most skilled flyer in all of Equestria. Pegasi alike adored him and wished to be like him. Looking at this kid right here and knowing what magic he can do...I can tell he's got potential. So that's what we'll call him: Soren."

Oh, good. We are giving the name of somepony that everypony adored and wanted to be like, to a character who the author wants us to adore and wish to be like. I don’t see any connection to this whatsoever. Nope, no connection at all.

Youtube Video

So, the group cheers and they receive Princess Celestia’s response, saying that she is concerned about Soren’s memory loss.

She says that she is sending her sister, Luna, to watch over Soren while he stays with Twilight.

Soren could guess that this Luna character was going to be interesting...

More so than you, kid.

Luna arrives and starts to examine Soren, trying to figure out how he came to be and what his special talent is. Luna explains that she needs to consult Celestia and that she will be back later. She charges Twilight with caring for Soren and flies off.

Twilight asks Soren to come with her to consult her friends on what to do next. And  then, we just skip over them going to their friends and arrive at Fluttershy’s cottage. Huh? The story mentions that they arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, Rarity’s and Pinkie Pie’s places, and yet there was no mention of what they did there or how the characters interacted with Soren. Makes me wonder what the hell the point of that was.

They arrive at Fluttershy’s cottage where they try to see if Soren can calm the animals after they have been pointlessly scared by Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Seems kind of cruel for those characters. Maybe Fluttershy pissed them off or something.

Soren then starts to sing and manages to calm the animals down. With that, he discovers his special talent, singing.

Okay, if he manages to make this story like the Pied Piper where his singing makes all the animals follow him to invade Canterlot, that would be freaking awesome. But I doubt that the author will go that route, so let’s just move on.

So, everypony starts to throw a big party for Soren. I would question why, but it is headed by Pinkie Pie, so you win this round story.

Soren gets on stage and gets ready to sing. Suddenly, his horn starts glowing and instruments all around him start playing for him. This … makes no sense. There is mention of Vinyl Scratch (or DJ Pon3 as some of you call her. A name that I hate. And yes, I realize that DJ Pon3 is a more popular choice, but I’m getting off topic). So, Vinyl is mentioned of being there, why not have her equipment aid him in playing the song? Is this so that Soren is made so powerful that he doesn’t require help from others? Way to make your character relatable, story.

So, he starts singing the words to ‘Undisclosed Desires’ by Muse and as he sings it, he looks towards Luna.

Luckily, most of the chapter is the lyrics to the song, so I don’t have to bother reading. That’s the only good thing about the music in this fan fiction. I went over this a little bit in Mykan’s My Little Unicorn, but it bears repeating. This is a written story. There shouldn’t be music like this in it! Unless it is described to us in a very eloquent way, we are never going to be able to connect with this song.

Now, I realize that I can just open another window and open up the page on YouTube and listen to the song from there, but that’s not the point! Imagine if this was a book and you were expected to hear the song being played. Could you hear it from the lyrics by itself? Especially if you don’t know the song they are talking about?

If a song is described to us, the tempo, the notes, the key changes, the emotion that the piece gives to us, then we are able to connect to it. By the way, you want a story that actually does this right? Why don’t you give Symphony of the Moon and Sun by GrassandClouds2 a read?

Luna congratulates him on his singing.

"Twas a great performance," Luna said. "We do not know the last time we heard such an amazing singer."

This goes back to the poor description of the singing, along with show, don’t tell. We are told that Soren is a good singer, but it’s really hard to believe it when I can hear his damn singing and you don’t bother with any kind of description!

Luna says her goodbyes and travels to the Everfree forest. Soren grows concerned about Luna and goes to Twilight to help him look for her. They start to search around the Everfree forest when they start to hear singing. Soren finds the source to be Luna.

Soren discovers that Luna is secretly kidnapping children with her magical singing voice.

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Oh, wait, I’m thinking of something with more quality than this story. My bad.

No, Soren discovers that, before she was banished, Luna loved to sing and that his singing has inspired her to take up singing again. Somepony get me a barf bag.

They travel back to the library where Celestia arrives the next day. Celestia explains that Soren is an Elemental Guardian, and that he is destined to protect Equestria, the Elements of Harmony, the Crystal Empire, the Galaxy, Narnia, Oz, Middle Earth, Kypton, Hyrule, and Spira. … Give or take a few.

Bottom line, he is so special that he must be protected at all times and he has great powers that he must unlock to save the world, blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. Let’s just see if there are any redeemable qualities about this story.

"So...I am special?"

Get used to seeing that line, folks. It’s all over the place in this story.

Celestia and Luna explain that they need to fix the problem with him being a stallion in a colt’s body. And say that they will be staying on Ponyville to keep an eye on his progress.

Soren then starts spending time with the main six, learning about him and with him learning about the main six. Of course, this would be actually interesting if we were actually shown this rather than just being told it, but hell, why would we want to add investment into a character we are going to be with the entire story? Pfft, where’d you get that stupid idea?!

So, later that night, Soren starts having nightmares about a black alicorn attacking him.

Ha, I see what you’re up to! You’re trying to make another alicorn to make us think you’re character isn’t a bad character! Well, guess what, I’m onto your evil plot!

After the nightmare, he goes to visit Princess Celestia to discuss the dream he was having.

Celestia, if I might ask, did you and Luna have a mother?" Celestia just stared at Soren and slightly chuckled.

"No, my little pony, not a physical mother, at least."

:trollestia: We were born the way all alicorns are born. We just appeared one day and the sky popped us out of her vagina. … It was really weird.

And then… Soren starts to freak out? What the hell? Yeah, Soren starts to panic about what Celestia told him. And while Celestia starts to think about how Nightmare Moon and Luna are the same pony, it isn’t made clear if that is what upset Soren. We are never shown anything that might make Soren upset. Would somepony please shoot me?! Or at the very least, make sense of what is going on?!

Anyway, after Soren throws his hissy fit, he meets with Fluttershy to discuss why Soren is so upset. He tells Fluttershy that Luna frightens him, but Fluttershy can’t believe it.

"Luna? But she's friendly. Why are you scared of her?"

I’d like to recap what your first response to Luna was, Fluttershy.

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Granted, it was Nightmare Night and you did have past experiences with Nightmare Moon, but that still doesn’t excuse it.

However, just as Soren gets into his depression, Luna appears…

Pretty soon, Flutteryshy and Soren were approached by a young, beautiful, blue mare with a light blue mane.

So, Luna is the love interest?

Pfft, no, she’s not. That’s stupid.

Sir, he is constantly talking about how beautiful and wonderful she is. It is obvious that she is the romantic interest.

No, she isn’t. That would be just stupid.

Five bits says she is.

You’re on! I got this in the bag.

However, Soren seems to get over his crippling fear of Luna rather quickly and starts blushing again.

Shut up, that doesn’t mean anything!

Soren and Luna have a conversation together, where it is revealed that Soren has reached his full height. Thanks for that important subplot. And then Luna kisses him.

Looks like I win.

One kiss does not mean shit! Game is still on!

You just cannot admit that you lost.

Shut up! We still got 27 more chapters of this!... Oh, god, I’ve still got 27 more chapters of this…

A few days pass and Celestia starts to prepare a home in Cloudsdale for Soren. Why don’t they build a house for him in Ponyville since that is where Celestia and Luna are going to be frequenting to keep him safe? Because Soren doesn’t want an earth house, that’s why! Stupid racist bastard!

He starts to describe the town that Soren is starting to become familiar with and it’s at this point that I can’t really ignore what is going on with the narrative.

It swaps back and forth between past tense and present tense. My fucking god, people! How hard it is to stay in a single tense?! Good fucking god, keep your past tense past! And your present tense present! It’s not really that hard!

Also, the grammar, if you haven’t notice doesn’t seem to be all that much better. This story needs a proofreader. Badly.

Soren runs into Twilight and asks if there is anything he can do to help the town. Twilight doesn’t really know what to say, since the last few days have been calm.

Also, that seems a bit out of her jurisdiction since by this point, she isn't an alicorn, but whatever.

'Sure he's supposed to be the Elemental Guardian, but that doesn't mean there's always going to be something interesting happening.

Like right now for instance. Seriously, nothing comes of this scene. Nothing.

So, Twilight takes in Soren as an assistant and ends up firing Spike since he never appears in the rest of the story.

Jesus, forget the Applejack-hate. What about the freaking Spike-hate?! I know he’s not a pony, but good lord, please tell me that there is someone out there who actually likes Spike!

I mean, look at that face. Don’t you just feel horrible not including him in your fanfiction. You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Shame on you!

Luna appears in Ponyville and makes an announcement at Town Square. She explains to the town that she will be staying in Ponyville to conduct an experiment. After the town meeting, Twilight asks what kind of experiment they will be working on. With Celestia responding,-

"My faithful student, I think it best that nopony knows what Luna is truly working on. It's a surprise."

:twilightsmile: Does that mean Luna will be having sex with Soren, even though it doesn’t make any sense since they just met each other and have barely shared a conversation together?

:trollestia: Of course not. That would be just contrived and force and wouldn’t make any sense. Isn’t that right, Luna?

Pinkie Pie then suggests that they throw a party for Luna’s arrival in Ponyville.

"We should all have a sleepover to celebrate you staying here." Half of the mares (and Soren) face-hoofed.

So, half of them thought this was a good idea? Which half? By the way, I thought they enjoyed Pinkie Pie’s parties? Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

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So, this is how Cupcakes got started.

"If it would please thee that much then we will accept your party invitation." All of the girls, except Pinkie, stood mouths agape at the princess' answer.

Jesus, do the girls really not like Pinkie’s parties anymore?! Rainbow Dash, I would start writing your will, because I think your name is coming up.

'A sleepover with all my friends and my crush...This should be interesting.'

Unfortunately, it won’t be.

And if you think I’m lying, I’m not. He doesn’t go into details about the sleepover other than, “The characters did this” and “the characters did that”, blah, blah, blah! Tell a fucking story! Show us what they were doing, don’t just tell us! They say they were having conversations. Okay, who was conversing? What were they conversing about? How did each of the characters react to each conversation? How did they move on to the next conversation? What was learned about each other from the conversations? Were there debates in the conversation? If so, who were they between?! What were they arguing about?! These are all questions that should have been answered in the story! But no, we can’t be bothered to learn about our main character or anything he is into or his interactions with the Elements of Harmony, who he is supposed to be protecting! Dear lord, I hate this story!

After the party, Soren starts having nightmares as he enters an old clock tower. He enters a library in the clock tower and finds a group of strange creatures talking to one another.

He wakes up after hearing the creature, known as the Knower, discussing how long a yet unseen entity will remain unconscious for.

Soren ponders what it could mean, but dismisses it when he sees Luna. They have some romantic moments and –

So, you admit, I win?

Fuck you, they could break up! We still have plenty of story to go through!

When has that ever happened in one of these stories?

… You… I mean… um… Shut up!

The next day, Luna takes Soren and Twilight to Vinyl’s joint where they plan to dance the night away. However, it turns out that a group of singers have been invited by Vinyl to come sing for the club.

The group listen to the singers for a while and Rainbow Dash says that Soren could out-sing them. Unfortunately, the singers could hear Rainbow Dash’s comment through all the noise of the club, apparently. And the singers challenge Soren to a singing contest. Contrived you say? But audience, it was the only way to make these singers bully Soren and make them the villains of our story for no reason.

And now you all know.

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So they begin their competition with Soren, basically wiping the floor with them. Again, music in a written story doesn’t work! I wouldn’t put so much god damn emphasis on it, if the story wasn’t just about Soren’s majestic musical voice! Again, in a story that I read with my eyes, I CAN’T HEAR THEM SINGING! I don’t know which voice is better than the other! You tell us which one is better, but unless you have a recording of how each of these characters sing on the internet or describe how they sing, I DON’T FUCKING CARE!

The final song is about to commence and the Sisters say that he has to sing a duet. Um… Why? There were no rules established before. And technically, haven’t all the songs you’ve sung been duets, since there are two of you singing?

Whatever, screw this story. Soren says he doesn’t have anypony to sing with him, but Luna steps on stage and says that she will sing with him. Dear lord, it’s like a compilation of every cliché storytelling in the book.

So, they sing their song and they end up beating the Singer Sisters. Honestly, I’ve stopped caring. And frankly, rather than the sisters swearing revenge, actually admit Soren is better than them. Okay, this is actually not that bad. You could have gone the clichéd route and made them want revenge, but hell; you actually give them a more compassionate side. Granted, it wasn’t done very well, but hey, points for taking a risk.

However, before they can celebrate, a pony appears and kidnaps Luna.

Are you convinced now, sir?

What are you talking about?!

The signs are all there, sir. The force romantic similarities, the romantic song for her, the romantic duet they sing, her changing her appearance for him, and now Luna has been made a damsel in distress for Soren to rescue. It is pretty obvious that she is the romantic interest!

No, she’s not! But I will say that this totally sucks out the badassness of Luna! Seriously, would you ever expect any pony to capture Luna so easily?!

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So, badass! Only one pony be tough enough to cancel an entire holiday! Luna, you are fucking awesome!

So, Soren attacks Luna’s kidnapper and asks her why she has kidnapped Princess Luna? The kidnapper responses, saying that in order for Nightmare Moon to be resurrected, she needs Princess Luna.

Don’t you love it when a villain reveals his/her evil plan when you just ask them? This would sure make Batman’s job easier.

Batman: Two-face, what are you planning to do to the city?

Two-face: I plan on using two bombs to blow up two different points in the city at 2 o’clock!

Batman: How do I stop them?

Two-Face: You would just steal the device from my hand that I am currently holding, right now.

Batman: How would I knock you out?

Two-Face: Hitting me in the faces really, really hard. Most likely from a punch or a kick.

Soren and the evil witch battle each other, but Soren starts getting his ass whooped. However, Soren claims that, while her magic is more powerful than his, he claims that she sucks at hoof-to-hoof combat.

Now, our villain isn’t stupid. Surely, she would not accept his challenge after she had clearly wiped the floor with him.

"Do you honestly want to die in a slower fashion?" Soren's determined expression answered her question. "Very well...

Oh, come the fuck on!

There is no reason for you to fight him in hoof to hoof combat! No fucking reason whatsoever! You beaten him! You’ve won! Just grab Luna and go! There is no need to prove yourself to this twat! You have no reason to fight him after you just beat the living shit out of him!

Oh, and get this bullshit! She casts a spell that traps the others so they can’t interfere with their fight! Lady, if you have a spell that can capture Princess Luna that easily, why the fuck are you wasting your time against a pony you barely know?! Don’t you have priorities?! No, you don’t! YOURS ARE FUCKED UP!

They fight for a bit and then Soren unleashes the power of the Uniforce. Oh, sorry, the Elemental Guardian within him and manages to beat back the villain, who is revealed to be … Nightmare Moon?

Okay, it’s not really Nightmare Moon, but just a shadow that wants to resurrect her. I don’t know, makes as much sense as everything else this story is going to throw at us. She vows to return for Luna saying that the Nightmare Guardians have awakened.

Soren passes out after the battle and wakes up in a hospital. As he starts to examine his body, he realizes just how much of a beating he took.

His body was wrapped up in a random fashion and his right fore-leg was fully wrapped.

Doctor 1: Well, everypony. We need to randomly wrap up his body. That’ll take care of him.

Doctor 2: Um… don’t you want to deal with his broken ribs?

Doctor 1: Meh, I’m sure the randomness will take care of it.

Seriously, Dr. Cox would tear these people apart!

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The nurse tells the others that Soren still needs rest, but he will recover soon. Princess Luna asks everyone to leave the room and gives a letter for Soren to read.

It says that the Nightmare Guardians won’t stop until Nightmare Moon is resurrected. Unless you challenge them to a fist fight in which case they completely forget out their mission. It also explains that Soren must train in order to prepare for the battle against them. And it is signed by Princess Luna. Which begs the question, why didn’t she just tell him that? She was in the same damn room!

Anyway, Soren gets out of the hospital after a few days, and he practices a very important art. An important art that will keep him from falling to the forces of evil. An art that will tear the army of darkness to pieces! He practices the art of … singing?

I thought there was a princess of evil with an evil cult trying to resurrect her! And you are supposed to be preparing for it?! And you think that instead of practicing combat and magic, you should work on your singing voice, that once again, I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR!

As Soren is on his way to SugarCube Corner, he runs into a mare and stallion who are arguing about a meteorite that landed in the distant mountains. This will be a plot point for later.

Mare: I heard there was a group of survivors in District 13! Have you heard about that?!

Stallion: No, but I heard there is an old jedi who lives in a swamp! Have you heard about that one?!

Mare: No, but I heard that there was a Hollywood producer who was looking for singing and dancing frogs!

Stallion: It’s a good thing we are here to shout out random plot points to characters we’ve never met before!

Soren arrives at SugarCube Corner and starts a conversation with the main six, explaining about the meteorite and how he saw it in a dream. A pity we never saw that dream, but whatever.

The others don’t think it any more than a dream and Soren takes off still wondering what to do. Night falls and Soren can’t get to sleep due to some random noise being made.

It’s the damn neighbor’s dogs! And one day, I’m going to shoot those stupid mutts!

He decides to go to the Everfree Forest where he hears a cry for help. He follows the cry to find Fluttershy being chased by a mysterious creature.

Okay, quick question, what the hell is Fluttershy doing in the Everfree Forest in the middle of the night?! Did she really think that was a good idea?! That’s incredibly stupid!

The creature is almost on Fluttershy when Soren… starts singing? Yeah, I guess I wasn’t too far off from my Pied Piper comment. He manages to sing the creature into a submissive state, even as more creatures surround them.

Okay, now lead them all against Canterlot and take the throne for yourself!

When the light faded, he opened his eyes to see that the creatures left.

Damn it! So close.

So apparently this event takes so much power out of Soren that he decides to sleep in the Everfree Forest.

One, the Everfree Forest isn’t exactly the safest place in Equestria. There are manticores, dragons, cockatrice, and those shadow monsters you just defeated! Is it really a good idea to sleep someplace with all that danger?

Two, you’re not going to check up on Fluttershy? She was just attacked by a shadow monster! You aren’t going to check up on her and see if she is okay?! Not going to ask her why she is in the Everfree Forest, because ‘you’re too tired?’

:fluttershysad: Soren, I’m bleeding out! Help me!

Soren: Sorry, Fluttershy *yawn* I’m just so tired…

:fluttershysad: Um… okay. Well, could you at least take me to a hospital?

Soren: I’ll worry about it in the morning *yawn* Good night.

:fluttercry: Um… okay. Well… I’ll just… die then… That’s okay…

THINK, YOU IDIOT!

Soren wakes up with Twilight and the others around him. Again, it’s never explained why Fluttershy was in the Everfree Forest and it turns out that Soren has lost his ability to sing.

It turns out that the creatures that attacked him last night steal special talents from ponies. Okay, admittedly this is somewhat interesting. But let’s see how it disappoints.

"So...I just lost my singing voice..."

Oh, no! It’s not like … I don’t have other magical abilities and physical abilities that I can use to save the world, that I should be focusing on anyway! Clearly my beautiful singing voice is far more important than that ‘fate of the world’ shit!

The main six take Soren to Vinyl to see if they can get his singing voice back. Vinyl apparently knows about the creatures that attacked Soren, and offers to help them out.

But I suppose Soren could get  some  of his talent back. It'll be boring here without his singing voice."

Because Equestria was incapable of having fun before Soren came to it. Go to hell, Soren.

Vinyl starts playing songs for Soren to sing, but his singing voice only seems to get worse. Soren decides that he will try lip-syncing instead. Ah, the truth about pop stars.

He grabs some paper, from Celestia knows where… No, I’m serious. That’s how it’s written in the story.

After grabbing some paper from Celestia knows where, he began to write down some lyrics.

And now we officially see the point where the author threw up his hands and said “Screw it, I don’t care.”

He asks Twilight and the others to gather up some of the townsponies and says for them to be back at the stage. The main six gather back at the town with several volunteers and Soren asks them to sing the song that he wrote for his experiment. And the town just starts singing without debating with him. I don’t know. Maybe he was secretly offering free cookies to anyone who helped.

After the experiment, which is never really explained to us, so what the hell was the point of this, Soren! We see a black-maned mare off in the distance watching Soren. Soren notices her, but keeps on going throughout his day. As the day presses on he notices that that black-maned mare is following him, but he’s too tired to do anything about it and is off to the library to head to bed.

Huh? This guy’s priorities are really fucked up. And this is the guy who is going to save the world? I can already see the ending now.

:twilightoops: Soren, the fate of the world is in your hooves! If you don’t act now, we will all die!

Soren: Okay, but… *yawn* I’m just so tired… I’ll get back to it after a power nap…

:twilightangry2: What does Luna see in you, you useless mother-!

We then get a dream sequence about… um… I have no idea. There’s supposed to be some kind of battle going on, but it’s hard to dig through the poor descriptions of it. I’m not sure who the battle is between or even what is going on in the battle. There are just mention of pony force, but then they have fireballs and knives and a lot of confusing moments.

Soren then talks to a one winged Pegasus-

Oh, god. I wish… At least, as long as he doesn’t think he’s some kind of Islamic deity.

However, he learns that the one winged pony is named Coyote Colt. Wouldn’t Coyote Cub make more sense?

Anyway, he wakes up from the dream confused as to what is to happen.

Frankly, I feel the same way.

So, Soren doesn’t really think about the dream, which is odd since after his dreams he wouldn’t shut up about them. What makes this dream any different?

He starts moping about how he misses Luna. And it is at this point that I really need to point this out. The writing is terrible for this. This scene is particular is really bad. This is supposed to be an emotional moment for Soren, but just look at this…

Soren began to feel a little sad. The reason for his sadness was very obvious to him (and maybe his friends if they were with him). He missed Luna. It's as simple as that. Although it hasn't been that many days since Luna left, Soren still missed her company. Of course he has to expect these kinds of things since Luna is a princess, but it doesn't mean he still can't miss her. To prevent himself from becoming even more sad, Soren left the park and walked straight for the library.

I wonder how Soren’s sadness is affecting him. That might be good to know. How does it affect him?! Show, don’t tell! You know, I don’t care. Moving on.

Soren goes to the library when Twilight receives a letter from Princess Celestia. Twilight reads that Princess Celestia wishes to test Soren’s ability to sing in front of a crowd on Nightmare Night. Um… seriously? What does his singing have to do with Nightmare Moon’s resurrection?! God, I’ve seen slugs that could move faster than this story!

No, I take that back! I’ve seen stationary objects that can move faster than this story! Chapter 10 and we don’t even have a clue what the hell is going on! All we know is that Nightmare Moon is returning! Okay, what have we done about that?

Nothing!

Okay, what about the Soul Stealing plot point?!

Nothing!

What about the mysterious black-maned mare?!

Nothing!

That is the problem with this story! If there is a good story within it, it moves too fucking slow! You need to keep your audience interested! Something needs to happen! The story needs to progress! And if it’s not going to progress at least make us learn something about the characters! But because of the poor pacing and character development in this story, it is hard to get through and it is hard to keep your audience invested!

So, let’s see if we can get invested…

Twilight explains that Celestia wants Soren to perform in the parade, and Soren takes it pretty damn well. Unrealistically well, since he still hasn’t gotten over the fact that he can’t sing still! But yeah, Soren just says he’ll do it and he leaves with a smile on his face. I guess somepony forgot that they can’t sing!

So, Soren gets home and suddenly remembers ‘Oh, yeah. I can’t sing in that parade in two weeks!’ Soren starts to debate with himself about what to do and says that if he can’t come up with a solution tomorrow, he’d have to cancel with Princess Celestia. Wait, the parade is in two weeks? Why tomorrow? I guess, that is courteous since that gives Celestia ample time to find a replacement, but… Oh, god. You aren’t going to go the cliché route, are you?

So Soren comes up with a plan to get his voice back and starts talking to Twilight. He explains that he needs the help of the Canterlot Choir and Twilight writes a letter explaining the situation to Princess Celestia.

So, two weeks pass by and it is the beginning of Nightmare Night. And Soren finally reveals his plan to sing at the parade. And he does this by… having the choir sing for him while he conducts it?

As the son of a music teacher, I can tell you that a conductor does not play an instrument?! Nor does a conductor produce any kind of music?! A conductor keeps time and tempo so the performers stay on the same beat! And while I do admit that a conductor is important for choosing pieces of music that is to be performed, giving the sound and tone directions that he feels the pieces needs and since he is in the position of where the sound will go, gets the best overall feel of how it is going to sound.

But it is the performers who perform! Not the conductor! That would be like saying that the coach played for the football team because he’s the coach, when the players are out there doing all the work! And yes, the coach told them what to do and how to make the plays, but it was the player who actually performed the tasks.

To say that Soren sang the songs without actually singing them is something I disagree with. Some of you might see it the author’s way, but I, for one, don’t.

And if you didn’t think that was stupid, oh, just wait until we see what comes next.

So after the performance, Soren decides to make a big show in front of everypony. He gathers magic from his horn and … wait, what?

The sonic boom, combined with Soren's magic, created an awesome display of creativity. To describe the sight as simply as possible, imagine a Sonic Rainboom but replace it with dark clouds and lightning.

So, I guess… Soren can do a Sonic Rainboom now. Except that it’s not exactly like a Sonic Rainboom, but it might as well be a Sonic Rainboom. And how is he able to accomplish this since he has never actually trained to perform it when Rainbow Dash had to train hard and have the motivation that her friend was going to die if she didn’t perform it?!

And guess what? If you thought that was ultimately stupid… Take a gander at this!

After his… I don’t even know what to call that… Princess Luna and Princess Celestia make a speech about how Soren just gave them the best Nightmare Night ever. And to reward Soren for his work, Celestia gives him a wishing star.

What is a wishing star you ask? Well, Soren is allowed to make one wish with it! It can be anything he wants in the entire universe! Anything he wants at all!

And what does he wish for with it?

"I wished for my singing voice,"

That’s it. I’m done… Have a good day guys. Have a nice life.

***

The Critique slunk into the kitchen, leaving the book back on his favorite spot. He shook his head as he slip into the chair, his hoof against his chin.  Why am I still doing this? The reviews. Every story feels like another reminder of what I could have been. Looking down at the bare table, his hooves started to rub his forehead.

“Sir,” a voice came from the ceiling, “Are you alright?”

He continued to shake his head. “Do I look alright, Computer?” he growled. He took a deep breath before slamming his head against the table. “This story is horrid. I’ve never seen a writer say they care so much and yet show signs that they clearly don’t.”

“You are giving up, then?”

“Maybe I should,” the Critique’s voice muffled voice came through the table. “Maybe I don’t have the stuff to review it anymore.”

A robotic arm came from the ceiling, placing itself on the Critique’s back. “Sir, you knew this story was bad.”

Critique slid away from the table, shaking his head. The robotic arm slid off his back, simply handing in the air. “But this?! What the fuck was even the point of taking his voice away, if you were just going to give it back to him in…” His voice stopped as he looked up at the ceiling. “In such a way that… steals away so much character development.”

He slouched to the ground, resting his head against the marble floor. “I’m giving up. I’m not doing this anymore.”

Silence filled the air around them. It gave him ample time to solidify his resolve. Then the Computer spoke. “For as long as I have known you, when things do not go your way when you want it, you give up. Just like your writing. Just like your relationship with your father. Just like many things.”

The words echoed all around him, hovering in the air like the robotic arm only a few feet above him. Thoughts swirled through his mind like a tornado, digging up old pains that he had buried within the recesses of his mind. His writing had failed to take off, so he gave up. Pleasing his father proved impossible, so he cut off his relationship with him. Relationship with friends never stayed on the path he wanted, so he cut ties with them. The list went on.

Was this going to be another thing on the list of things he had given up on? He sat on the floor, debating with himself. Why try? Nothing has come of it for five years! Nothing has come of any of it!

But how do I just give up on it? No matter how bad it is. I love storytelling. I love writing.

Yeah and look where that got us?! A stupid library that nopony ever comes to. A job where all I do is bitch about stories and what they could have done better?

Maybe. But all I’ve been trying to do is teach others about my passion. Just like somepony you know.

His mind took a look back at the stallion who raised him. Music was his passion. It seemed to be the only thing that gave him pleasure. When he was up on the stage conducting his music, he showed how passionate he was. His whole body moved as he conducted. The movements were fierce and crisp, sudden like the pounding of a drum. His nearly violent movements mirrored the music as it became powerful and dominate, full of strength. But when the music became graceful, his movement flowed like a calm spring, delicate. As if one touch could break his flow, like the stillness of a pond.

He remembered sitting in on one of his father’s rehearsals. Every note his performers played, every tone in the room, every sound that was heard, the stallion seemed to pick up. It was as if his ears had been attuned to pick up every detail. Taking in every mistake and analyzing it to see if it was good or bad. Was the start of the piece strong enough to catch your audience’s attention? Did you play the right notes? Did the flow of the piece make sense? Was the balance correct from the piece?

As thoughts of his father crossed his mind, he looked out into the main hall, where the book still sat for him, as if waiting for him to continue. Critique took a deep breath and picked himself off the ground. He made his way to his spot and opened the book. Glancing up to the ceiling, he stated. “Let’s continue.”

***

So after a full night of singing, Soren goes to Rainbow Dash who seems to be depressed about something. Maybe she’s reading this story. That would depress anyone.

Soren asks what is going on, but Rainbow Dash says that she will tell him tomorrow. And then we cut to tomorrow when Rainbow Dash starts telling Soren what is wrong. Seriously? What was the point of that?! I’ve seem more pointed things in the Pointless Forest!

Sir, I did that joke last week.

Oh… Okay then… Moving on.

He goes to converse with Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Dash explains that it might be nice to have a coltfriend after seeing how happy Luna and he are. She then asks him to help her out with this.

So, Rainbow Dash asks Soren to find her somepony…

"Not really. Just find somepony who is fast, strong, and cool."

:rainbowkiss: Doesn’t matter if he’s abusive or not. As long as he is fast, strong and cool.

But then Rainbow Dash explains that, she doesn’t really want a coltfriend and that she was simply jealous of all the attention he was getting.

Ha, ha, ha! That scene was completely pointless… I HATE THIS STORY! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

Ooooh, that felt good.

Okay, so Soren goes out and finds Luna where he discusses the dream about Coyote Colt. Luna explains that Twilight Sparkle might be able to help, as it just so happens she is doing research on the subject. Sure, why not?

Twilight explains that Soren has the ability of lucid dreaming (or the ability to control one’s dream, which doesn’t make sense, but hey, whatever) and an ability called Star Sight, an ability where he can peer into the future through dreams.

So, as you can see his lucid dreaming ability doesn’t make sense, since he can’t control the future and he has never had control over his dreams before. Screw this story!

Twilight realizes the desert town Soren was describing was Appaloosa, because I’m sure Appaloosa is the ONLY town to be near a desert and Twilight figures that the town is in danger. She asks them to go visit Applejack as she will be the only one who knows about Coyote Colt.

Youtube Video

Wait, how would Twilight know that?

So, they talk to Applejack about Coyote Colt. Applejack mentions a letter she got from Braeburn and says that Coyote Colt is a unicorn with an eye patch.

Wasn’t he just a Pegasus with only one wing?! Did you not even read your own story?!

Ugh! Moving on!

So, they explain to Applejack about the attack that is about to happen and say that they need to prepare for the next week. I’m not sure why they can’t go there now and prepare there since they are never given an exact date of when the attack is supposed to take place, but then again the story can’t even tell a one eyed unicorn from a one wing Pegasus.

And what does Soren do with his time now that a war is likely going to happen very soon? Why teach Rainbow Dash how to play the guitar for his band, of course. Oh, yes. That seemed the most logical!

So, Soren, who I guess is now the leader of the main six, hello, when did that happen, asks the six’s opinion on whether or not they should bring Luna along.

Luna is a freaking badass! She was able to take on Celestia! She might as well be a one mare army, but then again this is the story that made her a damsel in distress, so what are you going to do?

But they feel they can handle it on their own, after all, they have the great and powerful Mary Sue! God, I hate this character!

They begin their journey to Appaloosa and start to discuss what to do about Coyote Colt. He mentions a pony that works for him that only has one wing. Applejack replies,

"Braeburn said the colt can fly."

This is so stupid on so many different levels.

Twilight is able to come up with a plan to deal with Coyote Colt and … Soren starts laughing at her?

"I'm not...laughing...at the plan," Soren said behind laughs. "I'm just...amazed that...you came up with it...on the spot."

If there is anyone who hates this character as much as I do, please join the Anti-Soren movement. We need all the support we can get to kill this piece of shit.

So, Soren wakes up in the middle of the night and … hears a voice in his head?

I hear a voice in my head too. It’s asking me to kill you with a chain saw and a trout. Don’t ask me why a trout though.

Soren listens to the voice which tells him to destroy lights on the train track. Great, on top of everything else, he has an evil voice in his head telling to do evil things. As if this character couldn’t be more uninteresting.

Soren goes back to sleep a gets another dream, this time with a group of alicorns, oh I’m sorry, the Nightmare Guardians, they were so well established in this story I’m surprised I forgot, are for some reason working with Luna. Bets on how many chapters it will take to come back to that plot point? Ever hear of Chekhov's gun, story? If not, look it up!

Now, Soren should take this even more seriously since, you know, he has precognition, but of course, he doesn’t think anything of it.

Instead, he’d rather make out with Rainbow Dash. … That’s right. Just when you though this character couldn’t be any more detestable, he starts making out with Rainbow Dash, even though he’s with Luna. Now, admittedly the development between him and Rainbow Dash is better than what it is with Luna and Soren. Granted, it’s still not good, but it’s certainly better. However, this just makes both of them look disloyal and Soren willing to bang every pony in Ponyville.

So, the next morning, they go over the plan again, but Applejack is worried that Braeburn won’t believe them. I would say that ‘he is your cousin, why would you lie to him?’ but hey, everyone in this world has to be doubtful or Soren couldn’t be reassuring them all the time. Lord knows that’s all he’s good for, making sure everypony is staying as out of character as possible.

They arrive in Appaloosa and the sheriff tells them that the one-winged pony, named One-Winged Willie, broke into the prison and freed one of their fellow bandits. They find out that the raid will happen tomorrow.

"WHAT?!" Everypony but Braeburn and SilverStar exclaimed.

Oh no! If only we had been here a week ago and not wasted our time with teaching Rainbow Dash how to play the guitar, but instead actually making plans for the attack! God, we are terrible ponies! We suck at our job and we should just die!

So, of course, Twilight’s plan can’t work now, since they only have a day to put it together. So, who is the one to come up with a new plan? Stupid-ass-dumb-shit, of course.

So, their plan is to go to the buffalos for help, since well, I guess they have that kind of time, and Soren and Rainbow Dash head out while Twilight and the others prepare the towns defenses.

As they travel, Rainbow Dash and Soren are eventually attacked by One-Winged Willie and Coyote Colt. Rainbow Dash gets injured and it’s up to Soren to get them both to safety. Soren did this, Soren did that, you know… Nothing to change things up.

They get to the buffalos where they start to treat Rainbow Dash’s injuries. Soren then explains that Appaloosa is in danger to Chief Thunderhooves.

Not a massive amount of danger but a great enough danger that should be stopped."

Thunderhooves: Oh, well if it’s not a massive amount of danger, then I’m not going to worry about it.

Soren: Wait, you don’t understand, the town is about to be inconvenienced. Mildly, but inconvenienced all the same.

Thunderhooves: Sorry, still not big enough to send all my forces out.

Soren: I am almost getting angry at you. Not angry enough to attack you, but angry all the same!

Thunderhooves: You are the strangest little pony, I’ve ever seen…

However, after explaining about Coyote Colt, Thunderhooves decides to help them out. Soren and Little Strongheart start to nurse Rainbow Dash back to normal, but there is a slight problem.

Luckily, she isn't internally damaged."

"I beg to differ. Her wings are in horrible shape."

I don’t think this story knows what the word ‘internally’ means, that or it really doesn’t care.

We cut to Twilight and the others planning their strategy to defend the town, when Soren and Rainbow Dash show up.

And finally, we get to the fucking raid… Ugh… Let’s just get this over with…

Soren was worried and a little angry.

Not angry enough to start yelling, but angry all the same. See how stupid that sounds yet?

The raid was happening as he slept, and his friends chose to let him sleep!

Well, if you didn’t prioritize sleeping so much, maybe your friends wouldn’t act like that!

:applejackconfused: Twilight, the raid has started!

:twilightoops: Oh, no! I’ll go wake up Soren!

:ajbemused: Hold up, partner. Soren doesn’t like to be woken up for nothing! He’ll tear you apart!

:twilightoops: But he’s our only hope of saving the town!

:ajbemused: Remember what happened when Fluttershy asked him to take her to the hospital and she was bleeding to death.

:twilightangry2: Oh, yeah! That useless mother-!

So, Soren meets with the main six and tells them that he will deal with Coyote Colt. He flies off and battles him one on one. Coyote Colt starts to overpower him, but that is when Soren transforms into a Super Saiyan!

Because he doesn’t have enough contrived powers yet .

He defeats Coyote and Coyote begs Soren not to kill him. And do we ever get an explanation of who Coyote is? Do we ever get an explanation of who One-Winged Willie was? Why are they together? Why does Coyote wear an eyepatch? Why does One-Winged Willie only have one wing? Why were their buffalos that betrayed Chief Thunderhooves? What did Coyote promise them? Why did he hate the town? What was the point in attacking them?

Of course, we’ll never know because the story is too damn lazy to tell us.

Finally, we are about halfway through this story and I need a break. The first half of this story is garbage.

But we’ve still got one more half to go and it only goes downhill from here. Not that it started very high up, but still the worst is yet to come, everypony. Have a great day, guys.

Soren the Alicorn Part 1: Part 2

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

So what happened last week?

Soren the Alicorn appeared in Equestria and starting singing to win everypony over. He falls in love with Luna and starts making out with her. Only to cheat on her with Rainbow Dash.

He has a long list of powers that grow larger every day, because he’s the chosen one or something like that. I don’t remember I ingested too much alcohol before this. And he has just vanquished a group of bandits, who have nothing do with the major villain of the story, so they were pretty much pointless cannon fodder, to show how awesome Soren… oh, I’m sorry, Road Kill is.

So, let’s dig into Road Kill the Alicorn/Super Seiyan/Avatar/Green Lantern/Master Builder Part 1: Part 2.

We start up where we left off, after the attack on Appaloosa. Two days pass and Road Kill and the others finish the repairs of the city. Why were they worried about the attack of the evil bandit group if the repairs could be made in two days? And for that matter, why were there a group of bandits attacking Appaloosa to begin with? That’s never explored on.

They regroup on a train and head straight for Ponyville. Once there, Twilight explains that a fire elemental joined with Road Kill to increase his power and that he needs to find the other elementals as well.

Road Kill, you must travel with Skye to learn all four elements. Only then can you defeat the evil Critique from ruining all Mary-Sues.

"Our next adventure will be to waste time on this train ride," Soren said sarcastically. The mares laughed even though they all knew it was true.

No, the next adventure will be to waste time … Mostly mine.

After a couple of days, the group finally arrives back in Ponyville, where Pinkie Pie is hosting a big party for their return and victory over the bandits. Naturally, as was established in a previous chapter, they do not like Pinkie Pie’s parties and don’t want to be her friends any more. I imagine Pinkie’s face would look something like this…

What? You thought there would be a murderous Pinkie Pie face with a knife or something? Ha, ha, ha… Of course not… That comes later…

Road Kill wonders why Luna didn’t meet them at the train station and the others reply that she is waiting at town square as she listens to Vinyl and Octavia’s music. Why didn’t Luna go to the train station with everypony else?! If they are so madly in love, why doesn’t she go to him to see if he is alright?

Maybe it’s because she’s a princess and they can’t put her in harm’s way. Which doesn’t make any more sense than it did with Twilight.

Anyway, Road Kill goes to her and they embrace (Road Kill not bothering to tell her that Rainbow Dash came onto him.) and Luna asks how the battle went.

"Yeah, it was definitely a good fight,

No, it wasn’t. Shut up!

As they listen to the songs, they find out that Octavia has been playing some depressing music. Road Kill goes to her to see if he can find out what’s wrong, because Vinyl and Luna don’t seem to care that much. And even if they did, they are just lost without Road Kill. We are still accepting applications for the Anti-Soren movement. If you are interested, please sign on the dotted line.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Octavia explains that she will tell Road Kill because they are good friends. When in the flying hell did that happen?! Who the fuck am I kidding?! I’ll believe that Road Kill is actually Octavia’s long lost brother who just happens to be an alicorn if it will make this story end quicker.

So, anyway, Road Kill and Luna arrive at Octavia’s home and Octavia explains her entire backstory. We don’t even have the backstory of our main character yet! Why are we going into Octavia’s backstory?!

Wait, I take that back! Whatever Octavia’s backstory is has got to be more interesting than Road Kill’s! I want to read her story instead!

Octavia explains that she was a musician with dreams of grandeur, but never a chance to shine. While she did play at several establishments, she never received the fame she craved. She made her way to Ponyville, where she met a pony who had enjoyed her performance. Vinyl.  

Before the mayor could respond, Vinyl asked me to be her roommate. When asked why, Vinyl said that we could make 'sick' music together.

… I’m sure your music would make me sick… And not in the way that you might think… Make of that what you will.

It turns out that two days ago, Octavia had received a letter from Canterlot about a musical audition they would like her to perform for. However, it would have to mean that she would have to leave her friends behind.

So, Octavia doesn’t know what to do.

Now, this is actually really damn good. Its a good set up for the character. It shows a problem that would affect her deeply. An issue as to why she feels why she can't go and something that is holding her back. This is a really good dilemma for the character. Granted, why doesn't Vinyl and Octavia talk about it without the aid of Road Kill here, but still...

Why am I not reading about Octavia’s dilemma?! Octavia’s story?! This character, who has barely been in a single chapter, has had more of an impact on me, than Road Kill being in 20! I want to hear her story, her struggles! That sounds way, WAY more interesting than this piece of shit!

But, how do we fuck up such a monumental character moment for Vinyl and Octavia’s relationship? Hm…

I’ve got it! Let’s make Soren give us the easy way out!

Road Kill, it turns out, has an invitation from Celestia to take as many ponies as he would like to Canterlot for a big musical night. And wouldn’t you know it? It’s at the exact same location as the place Octavia’s going to perform at!

Everypony give this story a round of applause for taking away such a powerful and emotional moment that could have told the depths of a relationship between two very minor characters.

So, yeah, Road Kill gets to plan a group of entertainers around the place and chooses Vinyl and Octavia to come.

"So what do we need, Soren?" Vinyl asked. "We have me, you, and Octavia. Who else should we bring?" Soren put a hoof to his chin in thought.

"I need ponies that can play certain instruments. Using magic on all of them could be too exhausting for me during a long performance.

Even though we clearly established that you were able to do this in a previous scene. Constancy? Fuck it.

So, he gets the main six to help put together musical performances. Road Kill asks Luna to sing with him, but she refuses because of some royal duty bullcrap. I don’t care, let’s just start the force romantic misunderstanding or whatever.

The next day, Celestia sends a letter to Road Kill explaining how proud she is of his willingness to help others. I help others on a daily basis and I don’t get any letters.

You insult other ponies hard work and characters. How is that helpful?

Shut up.

Oh, by the way, Celestia. Not to be rude or anything, but isn’t there a group of psychopaths, WHO TRIED TO KIDNAP YOUR SISTER AND RESURRECT NIGHTMARE MOON?! BECAUSE I THINK THAT SHOULD BE MENTIONED!

Anyway, with Celestia’s help, they are on their way to finishing up their preparations for the concert.

So, the day finally arrives for the concert. Again, we don’t see anything they do to prep for it, so I assume it all went swimming with absolutely nopony having any difficulties or anything that would make for interesting storytelling and GOD I HATE THIS STORY!

So, Octavia and Vinyl perform and, again, its just a mossy mess of musical mush.

Soren starts performing for the crowd, but then what should happen? Why not get the most cliché, dumbest contrived bunch of bullshit we can pull together?! This story is good at cliché, contrived, bullshit!

Luna appears and starts singing a duet with him, with no rehearsal and no prior knowledge that they were going to sing.

Thank you, Rainbow Dash. You have almost redeemed yourself for helping Road Kill cheat on Luna. Almost.

So, after the concert, Soren and the others host a big party, where Octavia is feeling a little blue. Well, it is a musical story, so let’s throw in some depressing blues music.

Youtube Video

So, after the concert, Octavia gets offered to be a permanent performer of the place she was offered before. However, Octavia rejects the offer, snapping at them for daring to offer her a steady job and  free food, good housing and… wait what?

So, yeah, Octavia rejects the offer that was made to her in order to achieve her dream, making this section of the story…

Celestia offers them all a ride back to Ponyville, where we see two reoccurring gags rolled into one for me.

"I'd be lying if I said I was only slightly tired," Soren yawned.

I’m only slightly tired. Not enough to fall asleep, but enough to not be 100%. Unless, we get into an emergency, then I’ll be really tired.

:twilightangry2: Are you useful for anything?!

Road Kill gets a dream about… um… I’m not really sure… One moment he is in the middle of a field of flowers, the next he is in Princess Celestia’s study, watching her… I don’t really see what the point of this is. Is this supposed to be the future? If so, that’s pretty damn vague.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash ask him if everything is okay. Road Kill says that he is, but Rainbow Dash says…

"I don't think you'd be thrashing like that if it was 'only a dream,'" Rainbow Dash said.

Are they sleeping in the same room as him? Shouldn’t he be sleeping with Luna or something? Wait, I take that back! He shouldn’t be sleeping with anypony!

Anyway, they go downstairs were the other ponies are looking for him. Fluttershy then points out that Road Kill’s Cutie Mark has been growing grayer. Apparently, Luna has noticed, but is too much of a bitch to tell him, or let him know what is going on. No, it’s only Fluttershy after she is coerced by Luna, who brings it up!

Way to be a bitch, Luna!

Road Kill passes out and Luna leaves to consult with Celestia on the matter.

Meanwhile, Road Kill starts dreaming about the strange human like creatures from way, WAY back. If any of you actually remembered them, that is a miracle. We then hear a character’s name. Nyroc. Hmm.. interesting that Nyroc is the name of the author.

Oh, god another self-insert. Computer, I might need my shotgun for this!

Road Kill gets back and finds out that there is an evil voice in his head. And that the evil voice is trying to attack Rarity. Why does he suddenly have an evil voice inside his head when it was never in the story? Because the author doesn’t give a shit about this story!

Road Kill manages to gain control of his body and heads to the Everfree Forest to get away from everypony, so that he won’t hurt them. Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash follows him and he starts to slowly change into his evil half.

We cut to Celestia, Twilight and her friends searching the Everfree Forest for Road Kill and Rainbow Dash.

Applejack decided to speak up.

"Never a dull moment with that colt,"

Are we reading the same story? Because this story has been dull from the very beginning. I want to read about the story you are reading!

Celestia explains what is happened to Road Kill. Apparently, an evil spirit came to Celestia, threatening to kill her. However, the spirit made her a deal. If Celestia would remain silent about the attempt on her life, he would not bother her or Canterlot again.

Okay… wait… What?

"It threatened me, but it also made me a deal. The deal was that the spirit would leave me alone and not try to threaten Canterlot if I would speak of that day to no one.

That… is … absolutely stupid! I mean, that is unbelievable stupid! Unrealistically stupid! I mean, why the flying hell did the spirit just not kill the most powerful being in all of Equestria?! There is never any mention of any defense Celestia was able to conjure, there was never any method of her outwitting him and there was never anything that Celestia said to make the spirit back down.

The way the story puts it, it makes it sound as if the spirit could kill Celestia whenever he wants. And yet he chooses not to. Then why the hell did he threaten to kill her in the first place?! You might say that “He must have some plans for her”, but even the explanation of why doesn’t make any sense either, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Celestia explains that the spirit has taken over Road Kill’s body. For what purpose she won’t say. They finally find Road Kill and Rainbow Dash in the forest. However, Road Kill is still in his evil form and has hypnotized Rainbow Dash into attacking her friends.

Heh, so much for the Element of Loyalty.

I was just kidding… Why does everypony get so defensive?

Anyway, they try stopping Road Kill, but he simply manages to hypnotize everypony into attacking everypony else. Now, I have to admit. This idea is not a bad one. The idea of hypnotizing the main characters against one another is not lost on me and it could work. We know it works because of Discord’s first appearance.

However, the problem with this story is, IT WAS NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE! We never saw that this was affecting anypony in any way! We never saw Road Kill use these powers, except for two times! One time Road Kill used his powers to calm the animals down and defeat the Shadow Creatures. Other than that, it has been his power of a Super Sayian.

If the story had focused more on the singing aspect of his powers, and what kind of effect they would have, rather than the “Elemental Guardian” bullshit, this story might have had a chance.

Urg… anyway, more of the friends get hypnotized leaving only Luna, Twilight and Celestia awake. Celestia comes up with a plan and asks the others not to interfere.

Twilight hesitated at first but nodded. 'What could she possibly do to not want me to interfere? Is she...is she going to hurt Soren?'

Oh, no! This single stallion who is more important to me than all of my friends and my mentor who is kind of like a mother figure to me! What if he is hurt?! Not hurt enough that he won’t recover in a day, but hurt nonetheless.

Sir, that joke is getting old.

So is this story, for that matter.

The spell Celestia casts ends up freeing Road Kill from the evil voice within him, which turns out to be Nightmare Shadow Puppet whatever. And here is why I think the plan to take over Road Kill is really, really stupid.

One, she could have killed Celestia. There is no mention of her being able to survive their encounter. Therefore, Canterlot would have been crippled. Luna would have been distraught and would make for an easier target.

Two, you would be able to get rid of one of the most powerful alicorns in all of Equestria if you did kill her. Taking away a barrier that hinders your plans.

Three, assuming that you didn’t want to kill her, why not just possess her like you did Soren?! There is no reason why the spirit couldn’t possess Celestia when she possess Soren. I would accept the fact that Celestia couldn’t be possessed because she was an alicorn, except that YOU MADE YOUR CHARACTER AN ALICORN! SO THAT EXCUSE DOESN’T WORK!

So, Road Kill manages to gain control of his body and Celestia banished the evil spirit, now called Night Wing, but seriously, I’ll forget by the next sentence, and she flies off.

So, after Road Kill recovers, Celestia decides to explain the origins of … Whatever her name was… I don’t care anymore.

It turns out that Nightmare Moon had planned for something just in case she lost against Celestia.

She had a plan, an overly complicated plan that was designed to resurrect her should she lose.

Damn, even the story admits that its plot is stupid. That’s how you know you’ve got a bad story.

So, it turns out that before her defeat, Nightmare Moon split its magic into two halves, because in bad fan fiction, magic can just do that and that was how Nightmare Wing was born, lying in dormant until Twilight and the others defeated the original Nightmare Moon.

Celestia asks Twilight and the others to defeat Nightmare something… Cat, I think.

My sister and I would stop her ourselves but we will not leave Canterlot unguarded."

Well, that’s really stupid. Why don’t you just tell them you’ll be with them in spirit while you’re at it?

:trollestia: Do not worry, Critique. The next time you face a Mary Sue, I will be with you.

Critique: Really? Fucking sweet! So are you going to give them the whole “send them to the moon” shit?

:trollestia: No, I will be with you in spirit.

Critique: … Big help, Bitch…

:trollestia: What was that?

Critique: Nothing…

Road Kill locks himself in his home because apparently questions are his kryptonite and he thinks that lying in bed feeling sorry for himself will help him find answers. Yeah, the more I read about this character, the more I wish he’d crawl in a hole and die.

However, Octavia and Vinyl manage to get him out of his depression by playing their music. Soren proves how much better he is than Octavia and Vinyl by playing the violin for no reason, other than to show off the size of his penis.

Octavia and Vinyl explain to Road Kill that they are such good friends with him and says that he shouldn’t be trying to solve his problems on his own. And why the hell didn’t Twilight and the others do this since they are supposed to be helping him fight the Nightmare Guardian?! Oh, who the fuck cares at this point?!

A few days later, making me wonder what the hell the point of that scene was, Twilight asks Road Kill if he’s ever wondered about his family. Twilight explains that she was eavesdropping on Octavia and Vinyl’s conversation and discovers that Road Kill is Octavia’s long lost brother!

Because… why the hell not? I mean, we’ve already got every single thing on the Mary Sue list! Unbelievably powerful that is vaguely explained, a destiny that is vaguely explained and really isn’t just like every other destiny that has ever been made, multiple significant others that want to be with him, able to make friends with the canon characters for vague reasons, is one of a kind part of this special group and he is the last one, memory loss, is strangely more important than any other character for vague reasons!

So, this is the most logical next step in the Mary Sue process. Not only making your character related to one of the show’s canon characters, but also, making him a long lost sibling! Wow, you did it story! I didn’t think it was possible, but you actually made your character less interesting than he already was!

I wish I knew how you did that! There must be some kind of magical power that you have that you are just able to conjure new ways to make your character less inventive, less original, less interesting! You must have consulted the gods of uninteresting characters and somehow they granted you this blessing of blandness to your character! I have never seen such blandness to a character before! This is it, the holy grail of blandness! There will never be another character this boring to read about! Everypony, give this pony your respect for his insipidness!

Oh, and if you thought that this character couldn’t get any more bland. Just wait until you see what he’s got into store for us.

So, Twilight and Road Kill go to meet Octavia and discuss if they are related. It turns out that Octavia lost a little brother when she was younger. And that he was only a few months younger than her… Wait what? How did Octavia’s mother accomplish that?!

Oh, it turns out that ponies that are born during an eclipse are born with special powers. And guess what? Road Kill just HAPPENED to be born during an eclipse! What are the fucking odds?! That’s like having a baby who can not only sing well, is a super sayian, plays the banjo, writes the Declaration of Independence, becomes a monk, bangs every girl he meets, is a movie star, but can also burp the ABC’s backwards in a foreign language. What are the odds?!

So, yeah, we find out that Road Kill is Octavia’s long lost brother and… they take it pretty damn well. They just act like it’s an everyday thing. This should have been an emotional moment for both of them, but hey, why would this story resemble anything with emotion?

We then get an author’s note with this lovely little number…

Okay, to the fans of the Guardians of Ga'Hoole, I want to point out that Nyroc will be the second-to-last name I will use from that series. If you don't like that, I'm sorry but I will not change anything. I just ain't that original, sadly.

Sadly, names aren’t the only thing you are not very original with.

So, Soren decides to go to Canterlot to speak to Celestia to see if he is ‘really’ Octavia’s long lost brother. Why the hell does he need to go there when we clearly established… you know what, fuck it!

He goes to Luna and asks her if she will join him on his trip to Canterlot. They start to approach the castle when they are ambushed by … flying unicorns?

All around them were pegasi flying and carrying unicorns. Soren and Luna could tell the unicorns used magic on themselves to make their bodies lighter for their teammates.

There are so many reasons why that shouldn’t work, but hey, whatever? Also, are these guys’ thieves? Bandits? Or do they work for Nightmare Worm? It doesn’t really explain.

Luna and Road Kill try to fight back, but they prove to powerful. Damn, so much for the powers of a Super Sayian! His powers are so inconsistent. One minute, he’s powerful enough to destroy an entire city by blinking, the next minute he is running away from some unicorns riding pegasi, which is still a stupid idea, but points for creativity.

Luna and Road Kill teleport away leaving the guards to fend for themselves. Wow, what a bitch. I’ll let you decide who gets that title.

They arrive at Canterlot and explain what happened during their trip to Princess Celestia.

It seemed like anywhere in Equestria was depressing due to the weather.

That line doesn’t even begin to make sense! The weather is controlled by Pegasi ponies! It’s not like nature decided this was going to happen! The pegasi ponies make it happen! Dear lord, this story is stupid!

We then get an explanation on the “Demi-alicorns” as they are called, but really, it’s just as stupid and as pointless as 90% of this story, so I’m just going to skip it.

"So why am I the Elemental Guardian? From what you're saying, it doesn't seem like the Elements, nor the girls, need any extra protection."

"And you are correct. But there's certain magic that you can learn that not even Twilight Sparkle can."

Because, why not?

So, Celestia explains that Road Kill needs to master the elements of world, including Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart… I mean, Light. Hey, as far as I’m concerned this guy is the fucking Captain Planet of MLP, overpowered, unlikable, and has no weaknesses. They should start a club together.

So, they explain that he has to master all the elements to stop the evil Critique, I mean, Nightmare Guardians. And that he needs to team up with an unlikable Avatar who sits on her ass and does absolutely nothing named Skye.

SKYE, YOU’RE THE WORST AVATAR SINCE KURUK!

I don’t remember doing that review…

That is not yours. It is another reviewer named Iowaforever. He is quite talented. I would recommend checking him out.

Hmm… Anyway, Road Kill goes to the Canterlot library to find out if he is somehow related to Princess Celestia as well. Wouldn’t surprise me?

They fail to find anything on his relationship with Celestia, however, they find that Octavia’s parents live in Canterlot. This confuses Road Kill since Octavia mentioned that her parents lived in Manehatten. Which turns out is completely pointless since it serves nothing to the story later, so why was this even brought up?

They go to investigate the house to see if there is something going on.

"Have you been feeling different recently, Soren?" she asked.

"Not really. Why?"

"It seems like a small portion of your personality changed. You're becoming a lot smarter in situations like this."

Road Kill: Oh, that’s just the author. He’s making you all stupider, so that I look smarter by comparison. That writer is a genius.

As they enter the house they are then greeted by Road Kill’s father, who is also Octavia’s father.

Three chapters left… let’s just get through this…

It turns out that Road Kill’s parents didn’t come forward earlier because they were afraid their son was still corrupted with evil because of what a group of ponies named the Shadow Ponies had done to him.. Even though, the only time he was ever evil was when Nightmare Snake possess him, but who cares at this point?

It turns out that Soren’s name is actually Nyroc. … No, I like Road Kill better. For one, it’s NOT a self-insert!

Look, I don’t care if you self-insert into a story! Really, I don’t! But when you have to kiss your own ass like this to make yourself feel better, don’t take offense when somepony doesn’t like it when you make it unrealistic!

Urgh! Anyway, his parent’s explain that he was taken by the Shadow Ponies, but was given up afterwards, because he was an alicorn and that their leader was threatened by him.

Then why did you bother kidnapping him in the first place, you idiots?! If you hadn’t, this story wouldn’t have been written… Well, just answered my own question.

Road Kill puts two and two together and… somehow reaches the conclusion that the mare that kidnapped him when he was young, was none other than Nightmare Fish.

No, I’m not doing the DUN DUN DUN video. This story doesn’t deserve it.

Also, I’ve just thought of something… The villain’s plan makes no goddamn fucking sense!

One, if you kidnapped the young alicorn, why didn’t you just possess or corrupt him when he was 5 years old?! It’s not like you don’t have the power to possess him, we see you do that when he is an adult!

Two, why don’t you just raise him as a son to further your goals?! Another alicorn on your side at such a young age can be manipulated to your own ends! And you are seriously going to throw that away?! That is wasteful!

Three, if you have really been around this long, why have you waited so damn long for this overly complicated plan to come to fruition?! Why don’t you just possess Princess Celestia and use her vast resources to trick Luna into a trap?!

Four, why the hell are your minions kidnapping alicorns in the middle of the night for no reason?! They seriously serve no purpose to your ends and certainly don’t increase your chances of freeing Nightmare Moon, since you specifically state, “WE NEED LUNA!”

God, these villains make Mykan’s Titan look competent by comparison. Jesus, I really need to stop giving that guy so much credit.

The group arrives back in Ponyville after saying farewell to his parent’s like he was just visiting them for the weekend, even though they just spent 15 years trying to find him, but the author doesn’t know anything about emotions and the ties of family so…

Yeah, moving on. They get back to Ponyville where Road Kill seems to be acting differently as a mysterious voice enters his head. And of course, in true Kalani fashion, he doesn’t tell anypony about his obviously evil voice inside his head that is telling him to do bad shit.

… That wasn’t my review either.

Please, support Iowaforever.

Why do you do advertisements for him and not me?

He is funnier than you and does not use the ‘f’ word every other sentence.

I fucking do not use the ‘f’ word every other sentence! Only every fucking sentence!

Twilight and the others figure out that something is wrong with Road Kill, no shit Sherlock, and decide to investigate it.

Twilight and the others arrive at Octavia’s house and find that Octavia and Vinyl are under some kind of sleeping spell. They manage to wake them up and Octavia explains that the last thing she remembered, was that Road Kill had whispered something to them.

Road Kill: I’ll never be Nyx. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be Nyx.

And now we get to the point that both pisses me off and kind of relieves me at the same time. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity all don’t want to be around Road Kill anymore saying that he is a danger magnet and that all he does is cause trouble

On the one hoof, I don’t want my main characters that I love spending time with this ass hole that is completely unlikable!

On the other hoof, this is really, REALLY out of character for this story! All they’ve been doing is saying how great and wonderful and awesome Road Kill is! And now, out of the fucking blue, with no build up whatsoever, they want to defriend him! Come fucking on! This isn’t dramatic! It’s lazy as shit! It’s only purpose in the story is to make the main characters look bad so you can make Soren look good! Dear lord, I hate this story!

But it’s almost over, just two chapters left.

Rainbow Dash snaps at them and goes on to tell them how great and wonderful Road Kill is. … Okay, I’ve changed my mind. I say the main characters leave him on his own. Maybe he’ll die quicker.

Rainbow Dash, Twilight and Luna head out to try and find him.

They arrive at the Castle of Two Sisters where they find Road Kill and the Nightmare Guardian. Rainbow Dash and Road Kill fight each other while Twilight and Luna… just sit and do nothing… Wow, princesses are fucking lazy…

Okay, Twilight isn’t a princess, yet. But she soon will be!

Meanwhile, Road Kill finds himself in a dark place where a mysterious stallion talks to him. Road Kill then is helped by this mysterious pony who turns out to be…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

I think that sums up my feelings about that one.

So, the Doctor helps  Road Kill get back to his own world and when Road Kill arrives home, he explains that he is going to isolate himself until he becomes stronger. Maybe if you had spent your time studying magic, instead of your musical talent, you wouldn’t have this problem!

And our story ends with a Soren saying goodbye to his friends.

Hopefully, they never see him again.

This story… isn’t all that bad…

…

…

Of course it isn’t! This story is stupid!

What a fucking joke of a story! This story is a huge mess of unresolved plot points, pointless powers, uninteresting villains, an unrealistic main character, a stupid premise, an unfocused plot, terrible writing, and just an overall bore fest!

Many plot points in this story remain unresolved. The Nightmare Guardians are never resolved. And guardians suggest multiple enemies and we barely see one of these! What about the Coyote Colt character?! What was his purpose?! What was the purpose of making him Octavia’s long lost brother?! What was the point of the Doctor’s appearance?! What was the point of the love interest between him and Luna?! Why did there have to be a whole story dealing with him singing since it doesn’t further anything?! What was the point of the possession plot?!

The pointless powers are way, WAY too many! Half the Mary-Sues I’ve read about would be telling you to cool it with your powers! Most of them are forgotten about after they are introduced anyway!

The villains in this story are so generic! They could have been replaced with any other villain, and you would have barely been able to tell the difference! There is nothing memorable or interesting about the villains! And for a story that spends all its time establishing them as a threat, you don’t really know anything about them!

The main character is so uninteresting!! He can do no wrong! He is never wrong! He has a magnificent singing voice! He always knows exactly what to do, even though it makes no sense how or why he came to that conclusion! He always knows how to help others beyond even the canon characters! He has an overly complicated backstory where he is everything under the sun and he’s just so boring! There is nothing interesting about him! He’s unrealistic and that’s not relatable! That’s the author’s personal fantasy fulfillment!

The premise of an OC alicorn with memory loss is doomed from the start. Admittedly, I’m not opposed to an OC character, even an alicorn. But the memory loss thing has been done to death, especially if it is revealed that he has some great destiny bullshit!

The plot in incredibly unfocused! One minute it will focus on the Nightmare Guardians, and then they’ll never be mentioned again to focus on seven chapters of his singing! Look, subplots are all well and good, but they should serve a purpose! They should either advance the story, or develop the characters! This story does neither! The subplots are all over the place, ranging from the Coyote Colt thing to the Contest for Octavia. The only subplot that, I guess, would be considered okay, would be the finding his parents, but even then, the story finds a way to mess that up!

This story is just so boring! It takes forever to get anywhere! There characters aren’t strong enough to keep your interest to make you want to keep reading! And the twist every chapter, just make the twists boring as hell! Every chapter is a struggle to get through and it’s not made any better by an incredibly unlikable character!

The only, ONLY, interesting subplot I thought could have worked, was the loss of the cutie mark. If the story had focused on that and made it about Soren coping with his loss, it would have had a chance. But when you add in the Elemental Guardian and the Nightmare Guardians, and the orphan thing, it’s just an unfocused, uninteresting mess.

And here’s to hoping I never have to read another story about this character again. Jeez, that was a long one, but at least it’s finally…

(Previews for Soren The Alicorn Part 2: The Effects Of War):

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Apple's Blossom

The basement staircase had finally been installed. It had been several weeks since he even thought about it. Even longer since he discovered he even had one. He looked up to the ceiling. “Computer, any luck on finding out what this basement is for?”

“I have scanned all available blueprints for the building, sir. There is no information on this basement even existing,” her voice resonated all around him.

He put his hoof on his chin. “Maybe, there something hidden in the walls or something.” He put his hoof on the wall, stroking it. His mouth widened with a smile. “Maybe some buried treasure! Think of how rich I could be?!”

“I doubt it is treasure, sir. I doubt it is anything,” Computer replied. “I have scanned these walls several times. There is nothing inside them.”

His smile vanished from his face, leaving his normal scowling, pouting face. “Way to ruin my dreams, Computer.” He took his hoof off the wall, but kept staring at it.

Why the hell would anyone make a basement for this place and not tell anyone?! And what is the point?! It’s not hiding anything! He shook his head and made his way up the stairs, not even giving the new basement a second thought.

Approaching his usual spot, Computer spoke. “Another bad review, sir.”

He slammed his head against the ground. “No, Computer. I just did two weeks of Soren the Alicorn. I think I deserve a little break.”

“How about you go back to your first review?”

He raised his eyebrow and looked up to the ceiling. “You mean, Tales of the Sun, Moon and Stars?”

“No, there is one even before that one. Long before that one.”

Thinking back to all the stories he reviewed, he thought of one story. A story he had review, but never given justice to. It was time to go back more than a year ago. A time when he was just starting out his reviewing. “Pull it up!” he finally said.

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

When I first joined this website, I found myself wide eyed and full of wonder. The vast stories that authors could write and the stories they had to tell filled my imagination. Oh, what brave new world that has such magnificent artists in it?!

Yeah, I don’t really feel that way anymore.

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Okay, let me finish. Now, there are good writers on this website. There are. And there are many good stories on the website. The problem is that the bad often outweighs the good and so it’s difficult for young readers to find stories with quality. Even high rated stories can be bad. I’ll be getting more into overrated stories or stories that don’t deserve the high marks they receive another day.

However, the story I am going to review today is kind of a diamond in the rough. It’s certainly not as popular as it probably should be. Though it does have a good number of likes, so hey, points there.

Like Computer said, more than a year ago, I reviewed this story, but really it was half a paragraph long and I really didn’t go into detail with it. Granted, a review doesn’t have to be a million words long, I’m just saying that I thought I could have done better on my review and I think this story deserves that.

Basically, I stated that this story was my favorite on the website. Considering all the crap I’ve read recently, I know that’s not saying much. However, I do remember praising it quite a bit, but after a year of writing, reading and reviewing, does it still hold up?

Well, let’s jump into Apple’s Blossom by English Witch and find out.

Beware of Spoilers, people. If you haven’t read this story yet… What are you doing here?! Go read it! It’s better than the shit I read on a weekly basis!

We start our story, with… actually, what is a pretty good introduction. It catches your attention…

Applejack covered her eyes; she couldn’t watch.

That’s actually a good way to grab your audience’s attention. First sentence and I already want to know what is going on. After dealing with “The sky was blue over Ponyville” for the past several weeks, this is a welcome change.

Apple Bloom had been attempting to help Applejack repaint the barn, but she ends up crashing into a pile of wood.

Hmm… not bad, but she needs to be covered in tree sap to make it complete.

:applejackconfused: But that wouldn’t make any sense…

I DEMAND TREE SAP!

She wakes up in bed and starts to recall what happened to her.

Apple Bloom feels like she wants to do more around the farm, but Applejack believes that she still too young to do some of the more difficult tasks and the ones that she does are enough for right now. Naturally, in keeping with Apple Bloom’s impatience…

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Applejack considers the position she’s in and believes that if Apple Bloom wants to take on more responsibility than maybe Applejack should let her.

:applejackunsure: Apple Bloom, are you sure you want to do this?

That Manicore’s been causing trouble for too long now! And I’m gonna slay it!

So, Applejack asks Apple Bloom to deal with some fungi and asks her to go gets some chemicals in the barn.

We then cut to… her waking up in the bed? … Huh?

As I read on, I just realized something. That last scene was supposed to be a flashback leading up to her ending up in the pile of wood. Now, normally this wouldn’t bother me. But the transition to the flashback is the same as the transition to the next scene. For a moment, I thought this was following a linear path. There is no indication to where the flashback began. Okay, maybe Apple Bloom remembered could have lead into it, but seemed a little confusing to me.

It turns out that the chemicals that Applejack had sent her to get was on the top shelf and was far too high for Apple Bloom to get. Naturally, she stands on an object that doesn’t quite get her the height she needs, and the story pretty much told us the result.

Applejack comes to check on her sister to make sure she is alright. Apple Bloom apologizes and asks Applejack to give her another chance.

:ajsmug: Alright, Sugar Cube. I want you to go to that house and get me something from the top floor.

:applecry: … I don’t want to be responsible anymore…

No, actually, Applejack is hesitant about the whole thing and thinks that they should wait a few months before Apple Bloom tries again.

Apple Bloom, of course, protests, but nothing sways Applejack. It’s only when Applejack shows how afraid she is of seeing Apple Bloom hurt that Apple Bloom gives in.

Now, this is a very good, very emotional moment. Applejack doesn’t directly say that she is afraid for her; she plays it tougher than that. But it’s played as Apple Bloom sees the fear in her sister’s eyes. That’s a great moment. In any other story, it would have just told us that Applejack is scared. But this story shows us that Applejack is scared. That’s a nice touch.

After a quick bath, Apple Bloom and Applejack head into the market to sell some apples. No doubt for Apple Bloom to work on her sales pitch.

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What? That’s how I would have done it.

BUY SOME APPLES, FUCKER!

Apple Bloom wonders off wondering what to do when she is greeted by Twist. Twist? Twist? Who the fuck is Twist? Is it an OC?! I’m a kill it! I’ve got my shotgun ready!

Sir, she is a canon character. Here is her image.

Bull shit! I’ve never seen her!

Sir, she has been in several episodes

Bull! I know all about obscure characters! Time Turner, Bon Bon, Lyra, Dr. Horse, Gizmo and Sombra, but I’ve never heard of fucking Twist! That means she’s not real!

Don’t give me that look, kid! I’m on to you!

Anyway, Twist offers Apple Bloom some of her peppermint sticks and that seems to cheer Apple Bloom up a little.

As Twist invites her into her home, Apple Bloom knocks over some flower pots.

Geez, I knew the Cutie Mark Crusaders were accident prone, but this is borderline Goofy territory… Not necessarily a bad thing either.

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Ha, ha, ha. It’s the little things in life I appreciate the most.

Anyway, back to the story. Apple Bloom spots a little sapling in the mitts of the chaos and asks Twist’s mother, Rose, if she can raise it for her.

Rose is at first hesitant, but knowing that she helps her sister and brother maintain the apple farm, she allows Apple Bloom to raise the tree on her own. Apple Bloom heads home and asks Twist to take rain check on hanging on.

Twist sighed and nodded. “Okay. You go. We can hang out later.”

Why do I hear Joe Harnell’s ‘Lonely Man’ playing in the background? … Don’t know what that is? Look it up, you have a Google!

She calls the tree Sherman after a tree that was the biggest and strongest tree in the world.

Oh, my god! Even the trees are becoming Mary-Sues! It’s Soren all over again! Everypony run for your lives!

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Apple Bloom takes Soren… I mean, Sherman back by her tree house so that it can grow in secret. She does this so that she can grow it on her own without help from her big sister or brother.

She would put her hoof down one some things though, she would be the one to feed and water Sherman, she had to do this all by herself to show Applejack she could work the fame.

I didn’t know growing a tree could make you famous. Also, is she only putting one hoof down? What about the other three?

Anyway, Apple Bloom starts to care for the sapling and thinks that in the span of a few weeks it will be big enough and strong enough to produce fruit.

Really? A few weeks? That’s a load of crap! There is no way Equestrian soil is that…

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… Okay, I’ll buy it.

So, three weeks pass and Apple Bloom starts to see some progress in Sherman. However, the other crusaders get bored with watching the tree’s progress. So, they decided to go bullfighting. I would make a Manticore-slaying joke, but they explain that the bull is willing to teach the girls how to wrestle. Plus, I already did that in this review…

So… After double checking everything and making sure the tree will be okay while she’s gone, Apple Bloom finally joins her friends.

A few more weeks pass and Applejack starts to notice something going on with her sister’s behavior. When she ask her about it, Apple Bloom lies and explains that she is just doing a special project her with Crusader friends, and that it is a surprise.

Apple Bloom returns to the tree, but is shocked in horror to find that the tree before her isn’t an apple tree, but a cherry one!

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I knew it! I knew that tree was a Mary Sue! Burn it down!

Apple Bloom starts to worry about what would happen if her family found out that she was raising a cherry tree. After all, she’s a member of the Apple family. They raise apples. So, what would the Apple family’s response be?

Jesus! That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?!

Fortunately, this is not Sweet Apple Massacre. (Yes, I’ll be getting to that one someday.) Apple Bloom returns home and finds Applejack. Apple Bloom apologizes to her sister and hugs her, begging her not to send her away.

Applejack doesn’t understand what is going on right away, but Apple Bloom explains everything. She shows Applejack the tree and explains that she couldn’t tell the difference between and Apple Tree and a Cherry tree and that is the reason why she should be banished.

Fortunately, the story is more mature than that. Applejack comforts Apple Bloom and explains that it wouldn’t matter if she raised a peach tree or a bush of poison ivy, Applejack would still love her and she would always have a place in her home.  She also explains how proud she is of how the tree turned out, saying that it is as healthy as any of the trees she and Big Mac take care of.

And our story ends with the classic letter to Celestia, stating that no mistake is big enough that a loving family won’t be there to support you through, stating that family is just the first group of friends you have.

An adorable story and a wonderful ending. This story is a great one.

There are a few typos throughout the story, I admit, but honestly, a little run through with the author or another proofreader would have cleared those right up.

The story is where it is the strongest and the characters are right up there. Apple Bloom is just as adorable here as she is in the show. And the set up for the story makes a lot of sense. Apple Bloom lives in a world where ponies work hard all the time. It is natural for her to want to take on more responsibility and to work hard like her siblings.

Applejack is portrayed beautifully. She is a strong mare, who deeply cares about her family. She is constantly looking out for the best interests of her siblings and for her family. She’s never mean spirited or show offish. And this story shows that well.

And that is what I love most about the story. The relationship between Applejack and Apple Bloom. Their sisterly relationship is what I enjoy in the show, and in this story, that treatment is enjoyable. It shows how supportive they are of one another and shows how they deeply care about each other. Even Apple Bloom’s doubting her family loved her was done well. It showed the fear that Apple Bloom had, making us cheer even louder when Applejack comforts her.

As much as I enjoy reading about more adult things, it is nice when I get to read a story like this. A story that could fit into the show perfectly. A story that realizes what the show is about and embraces it. It’s always nice to see a story that appreciates the show for what it is, rather than what it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I love the creativity of crossovers or more mature stories, but reading a story like this reminds me of why I loved the show in the first place.

Is it perfect? No. Is it as good as I thought it was? No. But in some ways, that makes me enjoy it even more. I enjoy seeing young writers progress and get better with every story. And this story makes me want to read more from this author, and if you can do that, you must be doing something right. If you haven’t read it yet, go ahead and check it out. You won’t regret it.

As for me, next week… I look at the bottom of the crap bucket again with If You Build It … Have a good day guys.

If You Build It

”If you write it, he will come.”

Those were the words that haunted the Danish pony that lied in his bed. They tormented him repeating in mind over and over, like a record that had been on repeat.

”If you write it, he will come.”

If I write what? he asked himself. Apple Loosa leaned forward glancing out the window. He stared up at the moonlight. He continued to ponder what the voice would mean. It had been speaking to him for a week now. Am I seriously going mad? he thought.

He looked up to the sky as if some unforeseen force pulled his head in that direction. The moon shined brightly in his eyes and a brief image appeared before him. Words appeared on the moon like a message. He read them quickly, realizing they were a story being told to him. Thousands of words flashing into his brain like he was reading a novel at a hundred miles an hour.

Maybe this is what I’m supposed to write. He made his way to the cabinet, opening a small drawer. He pulled small sheets of paper from it and laid them against his desk. The clumsy noise of the drawer as he pushed it closed woke his slumbering wife.

She gave a sigh of discomfort and turned towards the small lamp that was emanating light. “Honey, what are you doing?”

Apple smiled as he turned towards his wife. “I think I figured it out.”

She shook her head. “Figured what out?” her raspy voice asked.

Apple turned back to back to the table. “I think I figured out what ‘if you write it, he will come’ means.” He picked up a small pen and started to jot down what he remembered from the sign in the moon. “I think it means I have to write this story.”

The wife gave a huff. “At this hour?”

Apple nodded, but remained over his sheet of paper. “I have to write it while I still remember it.” And with that, Apple continued to write his story, all the while wondering who exactly ‘he’ is.

***

Two Years Later…

The story had been finished for months now. He had written it and nopony had come. They had read it, yes. But nothing had come from it. There were no reviews, no answers, no questions, no remarks, nothing. Just an empty promise from a voice that he could no longer hear.

Instead, all he received was a face. Face with an intense glare on it. A glare that pierced through his glasses. The messy black hair atop his head and his ugly green coat. And of course, the purple scarf around his neck. How could he forget that purple scarf? It was so detailed and looked like it had been hoof knitted. Possibly from a relative.

Apple assaulted his brain for answers about this pony, but he didn’t recognize him. And nopony around seemed to care about him. For one reason or another. He couldn’t even get so much of a name.

Apple often wondered if he really was crazy. They had spent so much money on publishing the book and making sure that ponies could read it. And yet, nothing. They were behind on their bills that they were struggling. They were struggling before, but never as bad as they were. If things kept going the way they were, they would surely lose their farm.

He had spent so much of his time dedicated to his writing of his book, that he had neglected the Apple Farm. The farm that had been in his family since the first days of Ponyville. And in a few days, he was going to lose everything it seemed. His daughter and wife had worked hard to cover his slack, but they were only two ponies. Two ponies plus hundreds of apple trees doesn’t add up. At least, that is what his ancestor, Big MacIntosh, always used to say.

The more time that passed on, the more right that saying seemed to be.

He sat in his chair, looking at the cover of his book. Suddenly, the voice of his daughter caught his ear. “Daddy! Come here!”

He rushed over to where his daughter sat. She gave him a smile and pointed to the computer screen in front of her. “Look, daddy! A pony is talking about your book.”

As he looked upon the computer screen, he saw him. The pony with the glasses, the messy black hair and of course, the purple scarf. The pony looked into the camera and gave a smile. “Hello, everypony. I am the Critique”.

***

Remember Field of Dreams?

You know, that movie where the guy builds a field on his farm and these Baseball stars come to life to play on it. Yeah, it’s as weird as it sounds, but there is something to be enjoyed about it. It’s a good movie, even by today’s standards. It’s got some heartfelt moments, some good acting, and some endearing characters.

And it’s no wonder people keep repeating lines from this movie, such as…

BUCK WEAVER

          Come on, asshole, pitch!

My favorite line in the movie. So, it only makes since that a story would be written based on this movie. And you know what we get? … That’s right! A giant pile of shit that has nothing to do with the movie it’s based on.

I’m serious; this story doesn’t connect with anything of the original movie. Instead, it deals with gore and sex. That is so far from what the original movie was trying to do that it is out in left field!

I’m speaking metaphorically, of course. So, what makes this pile of shit that bad? Well, let’s take a look at If you Build It by Apple Loosa

Our story starts with Applejack in the middle of the snowy fields of Sweet Apple Acres. As she wanders into the field, she starts to hear a voice speak to her.

Ah, so this is how Sweet Apple Massacre got started.

Actually, it tells her that “If she builds it, they will come”. Applejack thinks she is going crazy and talks to Granny Smith and Big MacIntosh about it.

"I heard that Voice by an invisible thing who said that he will come." the farmer mare told Twilight.

One, how do you know it is an invisible anything? It could be a voice inside your head indicating you are crazy.

Two, what is the point of Twilight being there, since in this scene, she serves absolutely no purpose. Hell, she doesn’t even get a line of dialogue in this scene. Was it really necessary to mention that Twilight was a part of this scene? Was it to remind us that Twilight is a part of the My Little Pony universe? Unless we’ve been living under a rock for several years, we kind of already know that!

Big MacIntosh explains that he heard the voice once.

:eeyup: It told me to rape and murder the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

:ajbemused: Is this why Apple Bloom hasn’t been seen in a while, Big Mac?!

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I know, I know, I’m dwelling on Sweet Apple Massacre. But the setup is so perfect.

Anyway, Big MacIntosh tells them that the voice had once saved the Apple Farm from bankruptcy years ago. Now, do we actually get to see this happening or it being explained to us? Well, I’ll let you decide for yourselves.

Then Big Mac told for a while about how Sweet Apple Acres got their first Apple Family Reunion. The reunion saved Sweet Apple Acres from the bankrupt.

And… that’s it. That’s all we ever see of that scene. Making this… say it with me kids…

Be on the lookout for more of those. I have a feeling that there is going to be a storm of pointlessness coming our way.

So a few months pass and Applejack explains to one of her family members about the voice she is hearing, during the Apple Family Reunion.

"Granny Smith and Big Mac did not like the idea of moving to the country from Manehattan, but then they found Sweet Apple Acres." the earth pony told Applejack.

Ah, yes, I remember that. Even though, it was Granny Smith’s family that helped found Ponyville when she was a little filly, there was no way that Big MacIntosh could have been born, they were traveling pilgrims and were asked by Princess Celestia to settle the land to grow food.

Research? Pfft, I scoff at the idea!

After butchering the origin of Ponyville, Applejack wonders about inviting Pinkie Pie over to the reunion since she is the best at parties. And according to everyone spoiling season 4 for me, Pinkie Pie and Applejack are related. Please, let that just be a misinterpretation, please.

"Maybe I should had invited Pinkie Pie to the reunion we had today, as she is the best at parties so the barn still stood." Applejack told herself.

… Wait, huh? “So the barn still stood?” What the hell does that mean? Does this take place during the Apple Family Reunion episode?! Or is tearing down other pony’s barn just part of the Apple Family tradition? It wouldn’t surprise me. It is a pretty catchy song.

After the reunion, (which is completely glimpsed over, so why the hell did it even need to be there?!) Applejack starts thinking about a story that Twilight read about ponies moving around the area after the bison war. … Is she talking about the war at Appaloosa? Because that wasn’t long ago. That was actually really recent.

Or is this a different war that they are talking about? Because I’d really love to hear about that story, rather than this one.

Also, the Apple family were traveling pilgrims! Not war victims! God, this story is stupid! And I’m not even halfway through Chapter 1!

Applejack then starts thinking about the prophesy that brought her and her friends together. Apparently, there is a prophesy concerning them. Okay, Nightmare Moon is a part of that, but this story mentions the other villains instead.

Princess Celestia had saved Equestria from banishing both Discord and King Somber.

Ha! Stupid Sombra! You’re so forgettable that the author can’t even get your name right!

Oh, please, I ain’t scared of you! You’re about as scary as Galactus from the Fantastic Four movie!

Suddenly, Twilight appears in Applejack’s room. Oh, Jesus, here we go.

"Hey Twilight nice to see you." Applejack said to Twilight and smiled.

"Hi, I just needed a rest as I'm new around here." the unicorn told Applejack.

Oh, good, we get shitty ass dialogue that looks like it was written by a 4 year old. Way to make the characters sound natural, writer.

Also, “new around here”? Twilight’s been around the Apple Farm hundreds of times! What does she have amnesia or something?! Or is this referring back to the first time Twilight and Applejack met?! Because I don’t remember that scene at all!

Oh and I wish I was kidding on my comment earlier. For some reason, that is not built up or explained… at all, Twilight and Applejack have sex together.

Jesus fucking Christ, people, if you are going to do this in your story, have it at least make a little bit of sense! This has no build up to it! No set up! Not even a freaking word of dialogue that would even remotely suggest that they have feelings for one another! Fuck, the last scene, the LAST SCENE WE FUCKING SAW WAS OF NIGHTMARE MOON’S DEFEAT! And that transitions into a sex scene?! Again, no build up whatsoever, it just comes the fuck out of nowhere!

Holy fucking shit, people!

And then we cut to… um… Spike and Rarity having sex… Good god… This whole story is going to be like this isn’t it?

It’s not even done very well. It mentions balloon strings and hot dogs instead of, you know, saying what is actually going on. You can say vagina. It’s okay. You can say dick. It’s okay. You’ve got your mature rating on there with the sex tag, you are allowed to say them. Don’t dance around saying shit that has nothing to do with it, claiming that is making you ‘artsy’. Just say the fucking anatomy!

And, again, no set  up! No build up whatsoever to the sex! Granted, the show suggests they have more a relationship than Applejack and Twilight, but my god, this was the opening line before it.

"Me and Twilight had been raised in Canterlot together." Spike told Rarity.

I guess thinking of Canterlot really turns Rarity on.

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… Wow, learn something new every day.

At the end of Chapter 1, we get an author’s note.

Our headcanons about the two sister's old Everfree Castle were right as seen in the S4 opening

Oh, good to know. I’m sure that will play very well into this story. By the way, where did the other bullshit head canon you pulled out of your ass come from?

Huh, just answered my own question.

Our next chapter begins with Aunt Applesauce’s birthday and her birthday present is… a threesome with Applejack and Rarity…

This… is going to get very boring… very, very fast…

And for those of you who are wondering why Rarity is cheating on Spike, here is the dumbass explanation we get…

"But such a shame Spike is not here, as he is on the dragon migration." Twilight said to the crowd.

Yes, Spike is apparently on dragon migration, which makes no fucking sense because he doesn’t want to be a dragon! He wants to be a pony, since dragons are assholes!

Second, yes, there is a crowd watching them all do it! What the fuck is wrong with this author?! Chapter fucking 2 and already I question the author’s sanity!

So, after that so important chapter, we find that, a thousand years ago, Discord was defeated by Luna and Celestia. And that decades later, Blueblood was driven insane by Discord. I’m not sure the author knows how long a decade is.

Anyway, Blueblood is thrown into prison, for reasons that are never explain and Discord appears and threatens Princess Celestia not to tell everypony he has returned.

I think she’ll have a hard time making excuses for you, when we have cotton candy clouds, chocolate rain, and soap roads. I think that maybe, FUCKING MAYBE, somepony is going to notice! I really hate this story right now! And that probably won’t change the further we go!

And then, we cut to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who start hearing about a group of devil worshipers and this is the point where I really have to rant about the story here.

WHAT IS THIS FUCKING STORY ABOUT?! IS IT ABOUT DISCORD, THE DEVIL WORSHIPERS, THE SEX?! WHAT THE HELL IS THE FOCUS?! WE ARE 4 CHAPTERS IN, AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT AND WHAT I’M NOT! JESUS, THIS MAKES MYKAN’S STORY LOOK COMPLTELY FLAWLESS BY COMPARRISON!

YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! I JUST GAVE MYKAN A COMPLIMENT THAT HE DOESN’T DESERVE, THAT’S HOW FUCKED UP THIS STORY IS!

So, anyway, want some more pointlessness thrown in there, Celestia and Luna fly over Foggy Bottom Bog… and … that’s it… There is nothing they do there. Nothing of any relevance whatsoever. They just…

The princess flew over Froggy Bottom Bog that sunny summer morning.

Next chapter…

And for those of you who were missing the ponies randomly banging one another, GET OUT OF HERE!

For the rest of you, Pinkie Pie starts inflating Rarity’s balloon. No, seriously that is how it is written. Good god, this isn’t a story! This is just random shit flying at the audience! This story wasn’t meant for pony eyes!

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Or apparently, fish eyes.

Oh, and to top it off, Pinkie Pie does this… while Rarity is unconscious. I’m not sure that the author realizes that rape is going on here, based on the intelligence that this story is producing, its likely he knows, but doesn’t give a shit.

Classy.

Twilight ends up in Saddle Arabia 1982, for some reason. I know she has a time travel spell, but why the hell would she go back to that specific date? I don’t know. Screw this story!

She goes to the shop and purchases one of the books the shop owner possesses. This book is pretty pointless, so this scene is also pointless. If I cut apart all the pointless scenes in this story, it would make for a really short story. There’d be nothing left.

At the start of our next chapter, we get this little bit…

Build upon the Poltergeist movie.

Oh, good. Another movie you can completely butcher. Lord knows you haven’t followed anything about the Field of Dreams movie, why follow this one all of a sudden?

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie start telling the story of the Poltergeist, which is really stupid and bears no significance to the plot, making it completely pointless. And if you haven’t seen the Poltergeist it is most likely you are lost, as it is not explained very well.

So, bottom line, not only was this part completely pointless and a waste of time, but it alienated your audience who haven’t seen the movie! Not a really good move for telling a story! Well, I say telling a story, but frankly, I’m still waiting for a story to be told!

"You are scaring both Applejack and Fluttershy, and this is just some filly stories." Twilight told her two friends.

Okay, Fluttershy I get, but Applejack? Really? Why Applejack? Why would Applejack be scared? I know in the Castle-Mania episode she was frightened, but so was everypony else for that matter?! And in the second episode of the series, Applejack was the one who got mad at Rainbow Dash for frightening the others!

My god, it’s like the author has never even heard of the series and just did a random search on Wikipedia to find characters and places and events without actually watching the show.

Twilight explains that the ghosts are the reason why Nightmare Night is celebrated in the fall.

If you guys are having a hard time keeping up, trust me, it’s not your fault. This story is a hobbled mess of scenes that don’t connect to each other, at all. I’ll try to keep you guys informed of what, I think, is going on, but if you can’t follow along, know that it is the author’s fault, not yours. This story is confusing as fuck.

Based upon E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.

And now it has turned into a list of all the movies the author has seen… they are all completely pointless.

This chapter has nothing of value to it, so I’m just going to skip it.

So, Fancy Pants meets the others in Canterlot where Rainbow Dash and he start having sex, even though they have no interaction that would suggest feelings for one another. Does the author think that sex is just something that people do? Like going to the restroom or sleeping? That it is just something people can do on a whim?

Yeah, that’s not how it works. Well, unless you’re a prostitute, but… Oh, god! I just figured it out! That’s what all of this is! He thinks that the main six are prostitutes! Even though there has been no evidence of such a thing in any scene in this story!

How could I have not noticed it before?! This story’s author is… a horny asshole!

…

…

…

What? So I’m a little slow, okay?

Also, the story talks about Fancy rubbing Rainbow Dash’s balloon.

What is with the fucking balloons?! What do you have a balloon fetish or something?!

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His masturbation song. … See if you can get that image out of your head.

Next chapter… Is completely pointless. Again, I’ll skip it for you guys.

At Twilight’s birthday party, Prince Blueblood, who is somehow out of prison now, comes up to Rarity and apologizes for being such an asshole to her.

Okay, that’s not something I expected from this story. Am I reading the same story as before?

He invites Rarity to ride on his airship with him, because everypony has a fucking airship. I have an airship. It’s parked right outside, next to my giant fighting robot and award from Princess Celestia for being me. No reason she gave it to me, she just did.

He doesn’t really have any of those things.

Well, maybe I should!

After the airship ride, which passes by so fast, you’d think the story was on an airship, Rarity starts to hear voices.

“If you build it, they will come.”

No, we only wish it would get back to that story.

She hears the tale of how a town now has ghosts and spirits in it. It is utterly pointless.

We then cut to the Flim Flam brothers… Okay… who go into a haunted house and disappear off the face of Equestria. Never to be seen again.

You mean? You mean the Flim Flam brothers are dead? And I’ll never listen to their Super Cider Squeezy 6000 song again?

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Yes! This story finally did something right! Finally, after all this time! This story did one thing right! For all the pointless scenes, which now that I think about it this one is also pointless, but at least it is entertaining! Even mildly!

Even for all the sex and all the scenes that go absolutely nowhere! This one scene brings my dreams into reality with the death of the Flim Flam brothers and there damn catching as fuck song! Never again will I be plagued by their catchy con-artist song and robbed of my money by ponies like them! Hallelujah… Hallelujah, indeed.

… Aw, fuck, there’s more story…

So, Rarity ends up in a mysterious town, where she meets up with Iron Will. Iron Will explains that he is there investigating the house and here’s the point where I really can’t ignore the writing anymore.

Take a look at the writing for a second…

Rarity looked in her photo album one day after she and her friends had returned from welcoming the game inspector, who were in the Crystal Empire.

"So you are that entity, who once had been taken away by your mother in this room." Rarity told the invisble entity.

But nopony were around in the halfd dark kitchen. The stallion noticed that a book had fallen down without touching it. Suddenly had a kitchen knife fallen down in front of Rarity's father. Rarity's mother had noticed a symbol Rarity had drawn one day. Twilight found a book in library for her about that symbol.

The writing is absolutely putrid! This author clearly doesn’t know the first thing about writing! The dialogue is horrible and the writing itself is confusing as fuck. I don’t know what the hell is going on! It’s like if he ate alphabet soup and wrote a story based on whatever came out of his ass!

Yeah, it’s that bad! I’m not even showing you half of the horrid writing that was put into this!

Okay, so Iron Will goes outside to investigate something when he is suddenly killed by the villagers of the town.

Huh… That wasn’t cool. I liked Iron Will. He was kind of entertaining… I mean, granted he didn’t have a line of dialogue in this story, but …

No, I’ve got nothing, he was pretty pointless. Just every fucking character in this story!

Iron Will is not happy to be cut from this story!

Trust me, I. W. when I’m done with it, you’ll thank god that you were.

We then see a chapter about Trixie…

And she yells at her brother for breaking balloons… And … that’s it…

What the fuck was that about?

Author’s Note: To celebrate the return of Trixie the great and powerful.

… Look… I don’t have a problem with you celebrating the return of a character… But… if you are going to do so, don’t just throw them into a story for no fucking reason other than to mention that the character exists. Actually give them a purpose in your story. Actually give them something to further the plot or characters… if not, KEEP THEM OUT OF YOUR FUCKING STORY, YOU TWIT!

The next chapter is pretty much a repeat of the last chapters concerning the Flim-Flam brothers and Iron Will, just with Trixie instead.

I wonder if this thing is just kill all the antagonist characters from the show to make the perfect Equestria. Now, that would be a story worth reading, but I very much doubt the author is that clever.

So we then cut to Donut Joe… There’s an obscure character… Donut goes to a haunted café, where Luna and Zecora are trying to dispel an evil spirit.

The Canterlot guards had been send out to find both the ghost and the principal, who did the killing but without luck. Both Zecora and Luna tried to remove the ghost from the house, but without luck.

The author tried to make this story enjoyable and frightening for his audience, but without luck.

"I failed to remove a dangerous entity from an old cafe today, but the evil thing chased me away." Luna had written.

Wait, so she failed in removing it, but when the evil spirit chased her, that somehow made it go away? … Sure, I’ll buy it. Anything to make this story end quicker.

We then cut to Apple Bloom… having her balloon… inflated… by a stallion?!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

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***

”Ease his pain”

Those words echoed into Apple’s ears as he watched the earth pony on the screen thrown his tantrum. The Critique, as he called himself, slammed his head against the book cover several times, tossed several books off the shelves scattering them around the room, screamed every profanity that he had ever heard of and several he wasn’t familiar with.

Apple watched in horror, his mouth hung open as the Critique rammed head first into a wall before curling up into a ball, grasping his tail and gently rubbing.

“Who’s a pretty pony?” the Critique cried. “Who’s a pretty pony?”

”Ease his pain”

What am I supposed to do to ease his pain? Apple thought. He hates this story. He hates everything I wrote. I just wrote what you told me to! Why tell me to write something he hates?!

Apple sat at the computer screen, wondering what move to make. Finally, without realizing what he was doing, he typed on his keyboard. A small message appeared in the comments below, his message. ”Keep going” it said.

The Critique poked his head up like something had caught his attention. He hobbled his way back to the camera and put himself in his usual spot. He looked up to the ceiling and his mouth moved, as if he was speaking, but there was no sound.

Apple wondered if he was speaking to Computer. As he sat, he wondered how such an advance piece of technology could end up in the Critique’s hooves. Moments passed and finally, the Critique turned to the camera and spoke, this time his voice was heard loud and clear.

“Let’s continue.”

***

So, after that, oh so important scene, the Crusaders decide it is time for them to build a bigger clubhouse. So, is this what it means by “If you build it, they will come”. Because at this point, I’m begging for it to be a competent story teller.

So, they decide to go to the woods to find a treehouse and end up finding a haunted house. Where they go in, and then they come right back out after exploring some of the rooms.

I would say that I am shortening the story a bit, but really that’s just how it is written.

The next chapter is just the author’s hormones kicking in. So, I’ll just skip it.

Hey, guys! I just figured out why the writing is so bad! He’s only writing with one hoof if you know what I mean!

And then, we have a chapter celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day… It is … you all know what I’m going to say don’t pretend like you don’t.

I was going to say pointless, but you guys really aren’t that far off.

We then cut to Lyra who is investigating the murders of the Flim Flam Brothers, Iron Will and Trixie. Thank god, somepony is showing some initiative. So, she takes a train to the town where they were murdered. Wasn’t Rarity supposed to be in the area?

Consistancy?! What the hell is that?!

We then cut to … ugh… Bon Bon. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Bon Bon, but why the fuck is she here?! We are halfway through the story and there is absolutely no consistency! No focus! And no direction for this story!

I’m not even sure I know what the fuck is going on anymore! All that I know is some creepy stuff is happening around random towns, that really have no connection to one another, no explanations and no point!

My god, even Soren the Alicorn… SOREN THE FUCKING ALICORN had more focus than this!

THE STORY THAT WASTED MY TIME WITH ITS CONFUSING ASS SUBPLOTS HAD MORE OF A STORY!

Jesus…

So… yeah, I’m skipping this next chapter…

Rarity and Applejack… balloons… next  chapter…

God, this is getting monotonous. I’m finishing this story off as quickly as possible.

And the rest of the story is pretty much what you would expect it to be. Random Ghost Scenes that pointlessly kill off your favorite characters with no rhyme or reason include Winona, Applejack’s pet dog, Granny Smith, Big MacIntosh and others.

Sex Scenes Including, TwilightXPinkie Pie, The main six doing a six-some, PipsqueakXZecora, Sweetie BelleXsome random pony, the Cutie Mark Crusader three-some, Lemon HeartsXMs. Cake ApplejackXRarity, and TwilightXHer future cyborg self… Don’t ask…

And then the story just ends. There is nothing explained and nothing that finishes it up. It’s like the story knew that nopony was reading this and decided that it just needed to quietly die off. And frankly, THAT’s BETTER THAN IT DESERVES!

Do I even have to explain what is wrong with this story?! Not really, it’s pretty fucking obvious! The story has no focus, no purpose, and is overall just a waste of time. That’s all it was built for people to waste your time. At the end, I skipped over 20 chapters of padding. That is how bad it is. This author didn’t care about the story and frankly, that’s the worst sin any writer can commit.

You can’t just halfass something like this. Writing isn’t just something I do. It is a passion. Something I very deeply, strongly passionate about and when I see stories like THIS, that think that you can just write in a lot of sex and gore and ‘edgy’ shit without putting any thought into them and somehow make it good, just makes me sick to my stomach.

Frankly, I hope the author is reading this review right now. Because, I … as a writer… am offended. I am offended that people are reading your story, when so many other, better stories are ignored. How dare you take away from those people who actually try! How dare you!

I see so many writers get ignored because of the enormous piles of crap that we have to dig through to find the good stories. And this… THIS is just offensive. Not because of the pointless sex and violence, but because it is pointless itself.

The author wrote this to take away from the rest of us. Those of us who struggle, fight and beg for views and reviews. He stole from you. He stole your time that you could be doing reading something so much better. With actual effort put into it. Maybe it would be good, maybe it would be bad.

But at the very least, you would be reading something that somepony wrote and that pony would look you in the eye and say, “I at least gave a damn about what I wrote.” And that pony will hold their head up high, while the author of this story should only look at their story in shame. Utter fucking shame.

This was one of the hardest stories I’ve ever had to review. Period. And seeing the list of stories I’ve had to review, that is saying a lot! I don’t know what possessed the author to write this story, but whatever it is, it clearly needs an exorcist.

Have a good day guys.

***

Apple sat looking at the screen as the video ended before his eyes. He couldn’t believe what his ears had just heard. Everything the Critique said. He wanted to be angry. Wanted to be pissed off that he would dare call his story what he called it.

I only wrote what the sky told me to write. How was I supposed to know it was crap?

He turned away from his computer screen and placed his hooves on his forehead. He wondered about what the point of him writing the story was. If there even was a point. The answer came from the computer screen.

“Apple.” He turned to his computer screen to see the green stallion staring straight at him. “Ponies will come, Apple.”

“They’ll come to the bookstore, for reasons they can’t even fathom. They will walk to the library, not really sure why they are doing it. They will arrive at the section where your book lies, as innocent as fillies, longing for the past. ‘Of course, you can purchase my book’ you will say. ‘It’s only 20 dollars per book.’ And they will pass over the money without even thinking about it. For its money they have and hate they love.”

Apple raised his eyebrow. Could the Critique know that he was watching? He remained silent as the Critique continued his speech.

“They will open the book. A little light reading on a perfect afternoon. They will find an atrocious mess of a story within its pages. It will cheer them up inside. Reminding them that… their stories aren’t so bad. They will frantically read this story, laughing at it and making fun of it. Sharing jokes with one another.

Apple wasn’t sure what to say. All the Critique said sounded magnificent, but as he listened to the words closely, he started to wonder if the Critique was still making fun of him or really trying to help.

“Ponies will come, Apple. The one constant through all the years, Apple, is storytelling. The world is ruled by storytelling. Whether it is stories about work, family, the future, the past, or the grand adventure of a lifetime. It has been butchered a hundred times by the world, rebuilt, and butchered hundred times more and rebuilt again. And the cycle will continue until the end of time. Because the world needs stories. They bring hope to those who have none. They allow us to aspire to be great heroes. To face our darkest fears. And to see the happy ending at the end of the long, hard road.”

The Critique took in a deep breath. “Ponies will come, Apple. Ponies will most definitely come.”

Apple took a moment and thought about all the things that the Critique had said. “So, the story still sucks?” he whispered.

The Critique nodded as if he could hear him. “Yep.”

Apple glanced at the computer screen and raised his eyebrow. “And when everypony finds that out?”

The Critique shrugged. “They’ll demand a refund.”

Apple shook his head, a look of disgust on his face. “So, your big speech was…”

The Critique gave a sinister smile. “A waste of your time!” He let out a chuckle. “How does it feel, fucker?!” Another bellow of laughter filled the speakers, causing Apple shake his head in annoyance.

He closed the window to the Critique, shutting him up. “Asshole.”

Sequel September: Poncho Chronicles II: South Beach

Warning: This review contains graphic violence, gore and explicit language. Viewer discretion is advised.

… I quitting… I’m not doing this anymore…

Sir, what is wrong?

I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore.

Okay, then.

Not even going to try and stop me, huh?

It is not like you are being forced. You could stop whenever you would like. But why now of all times? Was it because of last week?

No, that’s not it. It’s about what I’m supposed to review for this month.

What is so dreadful about this month?

It’s September.

What is so dreadful about September?

It’s Sequel September.

What is Sequel September?

It’s the time of year where I go back and look at the shitty ass sequels to fan fics I didn’t like in the first place.

Who knows? Maybe the sequel will prove to be a Spider-Man 2? A sequel that is better than the original.

Or more likely, it will be like Sharknado 2. A stupid ass sequel to a stupid ass story!

Nopony is forcing you to review sequels. You can review whatever you want.

No, I have to do this. September is the only month of the year that starts with ‘s’ and I’m too lazy to open up my Thesaurus.

So, what’s the first sequel I need to revi-

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Not that one!

Ugh… for those of you who don’t remember my first review of the Poncho Chronicles, let me recap it.

Poncho and his group of friends, including the main six for some odd reason, get lost in a forest where they are chased by a group of villains known as The Beans. The main characters’ personalities are that they like to smoke weed and that they curse worse than me on a Mykan story.

Poncho, despite being the title character, actually does very little in this story, but whine and complain.

A mysterious magic shifts our heroes’ personality to fit the story’s needs, as seen with Spike, who is apparently a druggy. Also, this magic prevents pegasi from flying and unicorns from using magic. And no, it’s never explained what this magic is.

After several of the characters being murdered, the group finds the leader of the group named Charles, who puts some of them into a gladiator arena. After several more characters die, they use Charles’s confusing as fuck staff of time-travel that makes the science on Doctor Who easier to follow by comparison, to bring every character back to life and erasing the events of the first story. Making it a complete waste of time.

So, let’s dig into The Poncho Chronicles II: South Beach and see if Poncho plays bigger part in this story than the last one.

Our story opens where the last one left off, with our characters making it to South Beach and the first line of dialogue reminding me of how much I hate this series.

“South Beach? Fuckin’ awesome, there’s gotta be weed everywhere, knowing how close we are to Cuba and shit!” said Wahlburn happily

It kind of makes me wonder what kind of drugs the author was on when he wrote this.

Anyway, they make it to South Beach and like the first story, the bus breaks down, so they are stuck here for a couple of days.

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The words we will be writing on the gravestone of the bus.

A flash of excitement erupted on everyone's face. Cannon looked back at the others. “At least there’s shit to do here, unlike the west coast.

Hey! We’ve got plenty of cool things to do on the west coast! Like Disneyland!

And better yet, there has to be plenty of gay bars for Jeb and Poncho.” Cannon laughed while both Jeb and Poncho shook their heads in disappointment.

"That's not even funny," said Jeb. "Others are going to call you a douche for saying stuff like that."

What a great nickname for a character that totally deserves it. Keep track everyone, Cannon is now officially ‘Douche’

So they all agree to pitch in and spend the night at a hotel. Meanwhile, Druggie and Spike decide to go into town to get some product. Look, I wanted more Spike in my stories, but this is not what I had in mind! I can’t even call this character Spike, since he acts nothing like Spike in the canon, I’m calling him Sludge, Spike’s failure cousin.

They walk up to a shady character in an alleyway.

“Do you have any....products for sale?” asked Spike looking around suspiciously.

Shady Character: Oh, I sell lots of products. What are you looking for?

:moustache: Something for my moustache.

Shady Character: Your moustache?

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… What? Not all my jokes can be good.

My question is, when do you start?

Walked into that one, didn’t I?

Anyway, they purchase their weed, but the dealer stops them asking them if they want to buy something called ‘bath salt’. He says that it’s like cocaine, but worse.

Of course, Sludge and Druggie can’t wait to get their hooves/claws on it and they want to try it out. However, they decide that they don’t have the money for it, so they decide to stick with the grass. There is a reason this pisses me off, but I’ll go into details with that the further into the story we go.

Sludge and Druggie make it back to the rest of the group and decide to make their way to a beach house. They decided that they can afford 6 rooms, Jesus, how much money are they carrying around? So they decide that they have to double up in some of the rooms.

“Well, we know Jeb is with Applejack

I hope Applejack goes Apple bucking on his well deserving ass after the stunt he pulled six months ago.

"Bitch, are you kidding me,” said Jeb, coughing up blood. “I was just trying to run past you and get to the rest of the group. I was leaving you to die!" he shouted.

Yeah, I’m still pissed off at that. This scene could have worked better if we had gotten to know Jeb and know that this is how he would have responded. Instead, we don’t know anything about him, because we don’t get to spend time with him. We don’t see this coming because we don’t see the relationship, be it good or bad, with Applejack. We don’t see them interacting. And that doesn’t make this scene funny. It makes it stupid.

But I’m getting off track here; they get to the hotel in 5 minutes (pretty quick for a group of ponies who say they’ve never been to South Beach before) and manage to pick out the rest of the rooming situation.

“I’ll room with you, Twilight...” said Fluttershy in her usual quiet toned voice.

“Alright, anyone else want to room with us?”

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Oh, yes. I would love to room with you two.

Down, boy

What? I’m just trying to show the best aspects of Ponyville. The unification of Earth Ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns.

“Fine, Poncho you’re joining us because no one else will.”

Damn lucky bastard!

So they decide who will bunk with whom and make their way to the front counter.

an elegant pony wearing a uniform with the colors of the hotel strode behind the check-in counter. He looked at some papers left on the counter and smacked his right hoof to his head in anger.

Hey, I’m reading this story in this story… while I’m reading this story… What if? … What if another me is reading this story? And this story, my story, is actually being read by another me?! What if by reading this story about me reading this story in this story, I’m creating a time paradox?!

Sir, unknown time fluctuations.

What does that mean?!

It is possible you have broken time and space.

How the fuck did I do that?!

*Suddenly, a big blue box appears in the middle of the room.  A tall stallion in a bowtie appears from it, with a smile across his face.*

Hello.

*He waves a small metallic stick across the room, with a humming sound coming from it*

Who the fuck are you? How did you get in here? What is that? What are you doing in my house?

Did you want those in order? Or does it matter?

What? … Just answer the fucking questions!

You’re ruder than I remember.

Wait, we’ve met before?!

Well, not officially. Not yet. For me anyway. It’s confusing. I’d explain it, but it’d take all day, not that you would understand any of it anyway, and I’ve got a universe to save. Broken all of space and time, have you?

… Who the hell are you?!

In order then. I’m the Doctor. I traveled through space and time. That is the Tardis. And I’m here to save the universe. Oh and did I mention, I’m the Doctor.

*The Doctor looks down at the book.*

Ah, here we are. All you need to know is that this is not you in the story.

Sir, time is returning to normal.

Of course it is. Fixing stupid people’s mistakes are my specialty.

Stupid?! … Wait, if that’s all that was happening, how did I nearly break all of time and space?!

Good question. I’ll need to look into that. Anyway, got to go. Love to chat, but things to do and places to see.

Wait, you’re leaving? Just like that!

Oh, this is my pointless cameo for the week.

Pointless cameo?

Yes, I randomly show up to increase audience viewership even though I serve no purpose being there and then leave having no impact on the plot whatsoever. Like My Little Luna and Soren the Alicorn.

… Soren? Why does that story keep coming into my life?!

Lovely computer you have. Not quite as good as mine, but maybe someday.

*The Doctor steps back into his blue box and within seconds, the box disappears, leaving no trace.*

I like him.

Oh, look, I’m the Doctor, I’m amazing, blah, blah, blah!

I think somepony is jealous.

Let’s just get back to the story…

So, we find out that the stallion’s name is Still. … That’s a stupid name… And that he is the only one working at the hotel today. And here’s where the dialogue really starts to go downhill from here.

“Most rooms on the bottom few levels are a single doubled sized bed. As we go up, we start to add more room and bed, and of course price. However, the view from the top is rather grand so it’s preference really. Also, depending on your room selection, you will receive a pass for free food at the cafeteria for the duration of your stay with us.”

Patel ran down a list in his head and counted his party. “We need about six rooms near the top of the hotel as they all have two beds, if you don’t mind.

I would question how could the author make them all sound so unnatural, but let’s face it, none of these characters are natural to begin with. And that’s not a good thing!

“Great, can we get food now?” complained Rainbow Dash again.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Rainbow Dash, this whole time, has been complaining about getting something to eat.

but I’m hungry, we need to get something to eat,” said Rainbow Dash.

Now can we please get something to eat?” complained Rainbow Dash.

It’s actually kind of like a cheese grater on my brain.

So, they decide to go get a bite to eat in the cafeteria. When all of the sudden, the Hispanic stereotype walks in. Oh, good, this story needed one of those. Lord knows, the characters and story itself aren’t enough to piss me off!

So, the stallion asks them if they are residents of the hotel and then… starts adding random Spanish words in the middle of sentences. I mean, it’s actually accurate, but does it really need to be there? Oh, I know why it’s there, because we would have this bit of character development without it.

“He asked where the bathroom is.”

Cannon began to laugh. “No you dumbass! He asked how we are all doing! It's a basic phrase from the South Beach area!"

Poncho continues to show us how much of an idiot he is.

Poncho gave a chuckle, “they don’t call me the Foreign Language Master of our town for no reason!”

They also called you the funny one in the first story and yet nothing you have done so far has made me even chuckle. This story is dumb.

They ask the stranger what his name is and his response…

“Me llamo Fluffy Johnson.” He gave a wave goodbye and disappeared into the main lobby of the hotel.

Stop reminding me of other books I could be reading instead.

The next morning the group meets up for breakfast and decides what they want to do. Tyrone, who I am calling ‘Sheeeeeit’ or ‘Racially insensitive stereotype’ depending on how I feel, suggests watching basketball. Poncho, who was Dumbass in the first one, so he’s dumbass here, decides that watching basketball isn’t relaxing.

But the others give off a list of reasons why basketball is relaxing. And what are those reasons?

Cannon and Tyrone both went on saying examples on why basketball was indeed relaxing. After a few minutes of pointless banter, Poncho stood up.

Let it show… Let it show… Don’t tell me what’s going on… Yeah, I’m working on a song for later. Yeah, Frozen’s gotten to me too.

Anyway, Dumbass, after the guys’ oh so valid argument, still has no interest in watching basketball, instead preferring to go to the beach. I got to agree with Dumbass on this one. It’s not like you guys live near a beach and can go there every day, but you can’t watch basketball on Youtube or something.

And for those of you who think that point doesn’t make sense, in the first story, they had cellphones. Granted, they never used them, but at least they had them. So Youtube is not that far out.

This catches the attention of the girls, who all want to join Dumbass at the beach. You would think this would change everyone’s mind, but no they all decide that basketball is better than mares. And I thought Jeb was the only gay one. By the way, Jeb was going to be named the ‘Gay One’, but frankly that is an insult to every gay person I know. Instead, I’m going to call him ‘my bitch.’

What? It’s more appropriate than all the other names I had for him.

We cut to the guys watching their basketball game … at a stadium?! … Where the hell did they get the money to go see a professional basketball game?! I’m serious! There was never any mention of buy tickets beforehand, no indication that they somehow got tickets and no mention of it being a stadium game!

I thought that maybe I skipped a chapter, but no! They just suddenly have enough money to buy tickets, at the door, mind you, to a professional basketball game!

And aren’t they supposed to be on a budget?! They don’t have a lot of money! Or at least, that was the impression the story gave us! And they want to throw it away on a basketball game, when they should be using it to survive the trip home!

They go to the stadium and we get a cameo from Lebrony James. Not sure why, since he’s pretty pointless in this story.

The ball game is pretty much glanced over, which begs the questions if you were going to put this into the story, why the hell didn’t you bother to explain what the hell is going on in the game? And you basically bad mouth Lebrony James the entire time… Do you just hate Lebron? Is this some deeply rooted personal problem you have with him and you are writing about it to get it all out?

While I do applaud you for getting your anger out constructively, what the hell does this have to do with the story?!

But they see someone who they group happens to recognize. It turns out that the mysterious stallion is Xagreus!

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever. It actually turns out that the person isn’t Xarlin, but is his twin brother who looks exactly like him Pharlin.

Stupidest name ever.

They confront Pharlin who asks about his brother. And the boys reveal that Xarlin is actually dead, even though that makes no sense because of the time staff of confusing as fuck powers that erased those events and technically that would mean Xarlin is back to life, but hell, what do I know about time travel?

Pharlin takes the news of his brother’s death pretty fucking well.

Without even thinking, Pharlin spouted, “Good, he had it coming. He was a douchebag to me anyways.”

Pharlin reveals that Xarlin ruined his childhood and what ways did he do that…

Pharlin: But big brother…

Xarlin: Shut up! You are going to watch Golden Girls and you are going to like it!

Pharlin: You’re tearing me apart, Xarlin!

The group lose track of time and it turns out the bus driver just left without any of his passengers. I would say that is a jackass move, but considering how unlikable the characters are, maybe the bus driver decided he couldn’t stand them anymore.

The group goes into an alley where they find…

“Hey look at those dudes screwing in that alley!”

Oh, Jesus Christ! It’s one of those fics!

No, actually it turns out that one of the stallions is as hungry as Rainbow Dash and prefers the other white meat.

After seeing the flesh eating stallion, the group decides to head back to the hotel to meet with the others.

They arrive at the cafeteria where they see …

The girls were sitting at another table to the left of Poncho, talking about something making most of them giggle.

Because… that’s what the main six do, I guess? They sit and talk and giggle. That’s all their personalities are! That’s the one note they’ve been given in this story! Good thing nopony would take offense to this, otherwise, this might be considered shallow.

The group tells the group about the cannibalism and…

I’m getting there…

So, they discuss for a bit about the event, not even bothering to call the cops on it, and then they go about their business by asking about the beach. I really doubt that Twilight and her friends would just ignore the fact that somepony was eating somepony else and go back to sitting and giggling like nothing happened. I think they’d feel obligated to do something about it.

But that’s the main six I know and love and so far they are nowhere to be found, just their sad excuse for replacements.

Fluffy asks Clyde, who I have yet to figure out a name for, so I’ll call him stupid for this one, about his feelings toward Rarity, who I called Stupid 9 in the last story, but I’m not going to call her that in this story. No, I have a much more appropriate name for her in this story. Bellowing Britney.

Douche asks if anything was wrong and we get this…

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t anything bad.”

Clyde smiled. “Good.” And they left it at that.

And what was the point of that scene? To reestablish that Stupid has feelings for Britney. Even though they have already shown that in this story and anyone who read the last story would already know that. Thanks for giving us that incredibly relevant scene!

That night, Dumbass finds out that he is having a hard time sleeping, so he goes up to grab a bite to eat. Only to find out that he wasn’t the only one who was hungry.

Dumbass gets attack by the zombie, but before he can get eaten, hopefully ending this story, Still comes in and saves him, killing the zombie.

Damnit! You have all these opportunities to kill him story, just take it already!

Still gathers his workers and tells them about the incident.

“Alright, my fellow workers, as you can see, a zombie, yes, a freaking zombie, attacked a resident and vandalized our hotel. We need to work together and fix the damage and make sure the hotel is safe. I want some of you to carry this, thing, outside and dump it somewhere. We want to make sure to keep this place a calm, safe, living space. It’s bad for business to have zombies about.”

Oh, yes. Let’s not do something sensible like calling the cops or something. We have to think of the reputation of our hotel during a zombie uprising. Where else will the Left 4 Dead games start?

Also, they are taking this zombie thing really fucking well. And I think it’s time that we finally address the elephant in the room.

This story is based on an event that happened called the ‘Miami Zombie Attack’, also known as the Miami Cannibal attack that occurred on May 26, 2012.

In said event, a man named Rudy Eugene striped himself nude and attacked a homeless man named Ronald Poppo. Poppo had his eye ripped out, causing him to be blind in both eyes. He also needed to have facial reconstructive surgery for the damage his face went through during the attack.

Poppo would have most likely died if not for a police officer who stopped Rudy Eugene.

So, yeah. This story is based off the pain of a homeless man who was a victim to an act of extreme violence. And the cause of the violence? Well, the investigation suggests that ‘bath salt’ may have been involved, but the autopsy reveals that only marijuana was in his system.

I’ve already gone over why I feel that real life events shouldn’t be used for your fan fiction in the Human of a Pony review and why it should be used lightly in storytelling period. So, I won’t rant about that again.

However, I will ask you this…

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ACTUAL ZOMBIES?!

I mean, dear lord, this event has nothing to do with actual zombies! Did you really need to feed off another person’s pain to win originality points?! Did you even know that this was a real event?! You couldn’t have. There is no way you could have known this was a real event!

My guess, you had one of your stupid friends tell you about this cool story they heard, they thought it was fake, you thought it was fake and wrote a story about it! There is no way you could have known this was real!

And now you know why this story pisses me off so much more than the other story! I don’t know Poppo personally, but I very much doubt he’d be okay with you writing about a terrible incident that he had to go through!

Okay, rant over…

Still goes over to Dumbass and tells him to not say a word about this to his friends. Dumbass being… well a dumbass … agrees not to telling everypony that zombies are attacking them.

Dumbass then rushes into everypony’s room and tells everypony about the zombies. Okay, points for Dumbass.

"Well you should know by now not to wake me up in such a matter, you sketched out fuckface." retorted Cannon.

     "Wow,” said Poncho

I know, right? Cleary Douche wasn’t a strong enough name for him.

And then we get the part where I shake my head at the realism of this story.

You've got to be fucking kidding me..."

     "No man! I'm totally s-"

     "This is fucking awesome! Lets go kill some mother fuckers!" yelled Cannon.

…

I always dreamed about a zombie breakout,” said Patel grinning, “time to own some bitches.”

“Yeah brother!” yelled Wahlburn in excitement. “Who else is going to come with us?”

Who the hell sits around and dreams of a zombie apocalypse where everypony you love dies?! No wonder I can never connect to kids now-a-days, if all they want to do is run around and watch everyone die!

If this were a real situation, I would be out there trying to get as far away from these things as I could! Not actively hunting them down in the hopes of going out in a blaze of glory!

The guys decide to get the others, with the exception of Twilight and her friends, and gather supplies to fight the zombies. Dumbass decides that he wants nothing to do with it and goes back to his room to try and get some rest.

However, Dumbass wakes up and finds that the guys are now giving orders around to help prevent an angry mob trying to steal food from the hotel. I would ask why the angry mob is not storming a more sensible place with food, like a supermarket, or hell, even a fast food restaurant would make more sense, but since the story’s author doesn’t care about its substance, why should I?

The group makes three separate teams, one lead by ‘Sheeeeit!’, one by Applejack, and Stupid by the other.

They find some walkie talkies… which, I admit, is actually rather smart, since cellphone towers would most likely not be functional or reliable. Granted our author simply explains that…

Don't ask us why we aren't using cellular device. These are cooler. Anyway, we can use them to communicate with each other.”

I would call it dumb luck… Emphasis on the dumb.

And then we hear how much Patel is a jackass.

“We wanted to have you come with us, but we know how much you don’t give two flying fladoodles about zombies.” Patel grinned. “Besides, we also know how much you would want to stay behind to protect your b-, oops, I mean your special lady friend.”

… Frankly, I don’t normally want the zombies to win the apocalypse. But in this case, I would not be shedding any tears if the zombies won the war. I would be shedding tears if they lost the war. In a world filled with dumbasses like these, they deserve to be mercilessly ripped apart by savage, mindless beasts! Hell, the savage, mindless beasts are more likable than these characters! How the hell do you do that?! How the hell do you manage to make me care more about the zombies, who are supposed to be killing machines, than the actually pony characters?! It’s amazing! It’s fucking amazing!

If you think this is funny, than… you fail! You failed miserably! All hail the king of fail!

And just to solidify how much idiocy is in these characters, take a gander at this…

I had to at least tell you before I died just to piss you off one last time.” Clyde brushed past him and returned beside Tyrone and Applejack.

I hope you die by thousands of undead teeth clawing at your flesh. That would make my day.

The group starts to prepare to head out as Druggie gets his Trident ready that he received from their last adventure. Consistency? What’s that?!

The group heads to the front entrance where they find that the hotel has posted sentries to guard the doors. Because two sentries will be enough to stop a zombie horde, I guess.

At first, the sentries explain that nopony is allowed to leave, but the boys tell them that they need to get out to gather food for everyone.

The sentries are hesitant about the boys going out and getting killed. Why are you even considering it?! They are going to go out there and get themselves killed! … On second thought, let them go.

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So, the sentries agree to let them go, but say that they can send back up if they need it. Yes, don’t stay behind and protect those in the defendable facility, to save a bunch of stupid ass kids.

The group goes into town where we get this insight…

“Man, it looks like a war happened in this place, not some zombie outbreak,” whispered Patel to the others as they slowly advanced through the streets.

Have you not read World War Z by Max Brooks? If you haven’t, you really should. At the very least, it’s better than this shit.

They manage to get to a convenient store where they see a group of zombies appear. Rather than fighting them, like they said they wanted to, they wuss out and decide it’s better to run to safety. Safety in a haze where they can’t see?

Well, zombies don’t need much eyesight, so they’re fucked.

They get to the supermarket and we get our unfunny group trying to be funny. It’s rather painful.

Holy shit, this place is huge!” exclaimed Wahlburn, “I guess that’s why they call it a super store!”

Patel turned around and looked at him. “Dude.”

“What?”

“That was probably the fucking stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my damn life. Say anything stupid like that again, and I swear I’ll punch you in the throat.” Patel kept his serious gaze towards him.

Like having a chainsaw rip off my limb. Or like watching Jar-Jar Binks doing standup.

Jar Jar Binks: My-sa marriage is on da wocks again. My-sa wife just broke up with her-sa boyfriend.

They run into Pharlin, who I guess made it this far, and the group decides to let him join, even though they know nothing about him. Oh, good, one more mouth to feed.

We cut back to the others, where they are doing just whatever the hell they please, as if nothing was wrong. Well, I say doing, but frankly the story is just telling us what they are doing rather than showing us any of it.

they debated about sports and famous athletes, a notable topic being LeBrony, how terrible he is, and the fact that he doesn’t deserve his championship or any future titles.

Jeb, along with most of the females in the group, were in charge of cooking.

Spike, Sticky, and Rivs made fun of Jeb the whole time and told him that he was really lame.

Frankly, I preferred it if he told me rather than showed me what’s going on. Showing would make this story longer.

The group sends Dumbass to the bottom staircase to guard it in case any zombies show up. However, the group really sent him down their so that they could eat the food the gang prepared for them, leaving him none left over.

And Dumbass continues to hang out with these guys? Remember, kids, if a group of people treat you poorly, insult you, and leave you to starve to death in the face of a deadly enemy, they are true, true friends.

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Dumbass storms upstairs and starts yelling at his friends for their lack of respect. Finally, somepony with an actual brain, now the zombies won’t starve. The group tries to calm him down, but Dumbass is upset that he is doing the work while the others play basketball. Dumbass notices Bellowing Britney sit on her ass while the others members of the main six are working in the kitchen. (Because that’s totally all women are good for. Cooking and giggling. Wow, it’s a good thing that this isn’t sexist.)

Oh really?” Poncho turned to Rarity. “What did you have to do today?” Rarity looked at him confused and sad. She shook her head. “Huh? What’s that?”

“Nothing,” said Clyde, “she didn’t have to do anything. She didn’t want to do anything so I didn’t force her to.”

Wow, not pulling your weight, eh, Britney? It’s a good thing you’re not Rarity, otherwise, I might actually be pissed off about you butchering one of my favorite characters in the show.

This is especially humorous since YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AND YOU AREN’T FORCING HER TO HELP THE GROUP THAT SHE’S WITH! GOOD GOD, EVEN LORI FROM THE WALKING DEAD PULLED HER WEIGHT AND SHE WAS PREGENANT FOR MOST OF IT!

Dumbass gets mad about Britney’s apparent laziness and calls her what most of us have already called her, ‘a useless bitch.’

Stupid doesn’t take that well and attacks Dumbass.

Oh, good, maybe they’ll kill each other.

The group manages to pull them away from each other and Stupid says that he wants nothing to do with the group anymore. He leaves the hotel with Bellowing Britney following him. Ah, forced contrived loved, it makes the character you love do what you want them to. That’s a healthy relationship.

We then cut to ‘Gold Team’ where they are gathering supplies at the supermarket, which seems unlikely, since in panic everypony would rush over to the supermarket for supplies, probably leaving it bear, but hell, what do I know about zombie apocalypses?

“You shoulda came to our hotel, our friends are pretty much untouchable up there,” said Patel.

“Yeah, unless zombies just storm up that hotel and slaughter them one by one.” Cannon then gave a chuckle.

Oh, I so wish…

The group offer Pharlin a place in the group and tells him that once they have the supplies they need, they are heading back to the hotel.

They decide to stay at the supermarket for the night, without setting up any kind of defense. I think the characters have become self-aware and realize that they are in a crappy story and are trying to make sure that they can die at every chance they can, but the author never takes the opportunity to kill them… Wow, I want to read that story. At the very least, it’s a more interesting premise.

They hear something on the walkies and find out that Stupid and Bellowing Britney have abandoned the hotel. However, due to the static, they can’t make out what the two are saying.

We then cut to Stupid and Bellowing Britney who have taken to the roof of the hotel. Okay, if this plays out like it did in the Walking Dead where Rick handcuffs Merle to the rooftop, instead with Britney hoofcuffing Stupid, then I’ll start calling Bellowing Britney Rarity again.

Stupid says he’s taken precautions to protect Bellowing Britney and that she can have as much beauty sleep as she wants. Because during a zombie apocalypse, nothing is more important than your appearance. Next, you’ll be telling me that you will put Britney on your back while you’re getting chased by zombies, just so she can sleep. Why not? You’ve already done that in a previous story.

We cut back to ‘Gold Team’ where Pharlin decides to tell us what he was doing when the zombie apocalypse happened, it is utterly pointless and not interesting in the slightest.

The group runs into a group of zombies and Jackass manages to get pinned down by them.

He’s dead. He’s so dead. There is no way he’s getting out of this alive. And this story just …

The remaining zombie still on him was about to bite, when a hammer flew in from the side and smashed its’ head in. Patel quickly jumped and looked over to his right, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Standing next to Patel was none other than LeBrony James.

… FUCK THIS STORY!

LeBrony James disappears shortly after and Jackass escapes back to his team. They manage to get back to the hotel and give everypony the supplies.

The group starts celebrating by, what else, getting high of their asses. How much weed do these ponies have? Do they just pull it out of their asses or something?! Oh, and let’s just add to the fire that already burns in my heart about how much I want to kill these assholes, shall we?!

“How has everyone else been?” asked Wahlburn

“Other than that fight, really quiet, especially the girls,” said Fluffy.

“Good,” stated Patel firmly. “I think they’re annoying.”

“We all do,” said Wahlburn.

Ladies and gentlemen, the middle finger to every single of the main characters of the show. If there was any doubt that this author doesn’t care about what he puts in front of us, let that be proof. Let that be the sign that says “Yeah, I don’t care about you guys or anything you guys want from a story. I’m just writing shit.”

I’m going to leave this to the side for now. I want all my anger to go into this one moment and believe me, there is more things to piss me off in this story, so, trust me, my anger won’t be quelled by the end.

We then cut to Stupid and Bellowing Britney who, I guess, are supposed to have a tender moment or whatever, but frankly, I stopped caring. The group finally met up with them as they try to decide what their next move is. They agree to go to Pharlin’s condo.

“Why would we do that?” asked Cannon, “do you even know how many Zambies are between us and that place?”

You know, for those of you who haven’t played the Last of Us games. Feeling alienated yet?

I have a lot more supplies at my condo, or at least better supplies, like tools to make barriers and an Xbox with Halo 3. Worth it, in my opinion.”

The most important thing you could ever need in a zombie apocalypse. It isn’t food, clothing, medical equipment, weapons, shelter, or means of surviving the elements. It’s the Xbox and Halo. Fuck you Nintendo and Sony!

Bellowing Britney and Stupid try to force more of their ‘romance’ on us, but it has become clear to me that Bellowing Britney is nothing more than someone to worry about Stupid. She’s just eye candy for Stupid or someone for Stupid to comfort and save. That is all her personality is. She is the Kristen Dunst to Stupid’s Spider-Man. And even that’s not accurate, since Spider-Man was at least likable.

They get to the sentries from before and one of the sentries suggests that they just let the kids go and get themselves killed. Best idea this story has had yet.

The group rush out, but manage to get trapped by the zombie horde. They try to outrun them, but are caught on one of the bridges.

We’re going to have to swim.” He started to push Rarity towards the water.

“Swim? No I can't! My mane and all of my stuff will get ruined!”

Haven’t we already what the most important thing about a zombie apocalypse is? It isn’t something stupid like staying alive! It’s my appearance! If I’m going to be a zombie, I want to look hot enough to bang!

The group manages to avoid one group of zombies and finds another. However, they are saved by the convenient arrival of Rio Chalmers of the Miami Flamers.

Rio tells them of a place where the National Guard has set up for civilians and offers to take them there.

Wait, Lebron James and Rio Chalmers in the same fan fic? Okay. Now, you’ve got this perfect set up. Please, take advantage of it.

He doesn’t, sir.

What?! That’s bullshit! The one time I actually want you to do something mean spirited with these characters and you don’t take advantage of it! Come on, a fight between Chalmers and Lebron would be funny?

We then cut to the rest of the team, (I don’t really care if you know who is where, it’s really freaking pointless by the end of it), where they need to gather supplies because Stupid stole all the supplies for himself and his bitch… I know what I said.

Before they go out, however, they decide that it is best to get some rest. However, before they can get much sleep, the hotel is attacked by a group of scavengers. It is entirely pointless.

They get back to the front of the hotel where Still tells them that they are surrounded by zombies. He called the National Guard, but they are unable to send support.

And then Pharlin comes up with the most ‘ingenious’ plan ever.

After a few seconds, Pharlin took out what appeared to be a mask. He turned around and pulled it over his head. As he turned around the others laughed.

“You found a mask of a zombie that’s part of a kid’s costume and actually think it’s going to make zombies not attack you?” asked Patel laughing.

Pharlin: Because I just carry little kid zombie masks on my person all the time. That’s not weird, is it?

Wow, Xingleborg must have really messed you up, huh, Pharlin?

It’s Xarlin, sir.

Whatever.

Anyway, they plan to use the mask to sneak by the zombies. Which I imagine would end like this…

Oh, wait, I live in the real world and this story is devoid of anything resembling that.

The stupid ass plan works, I guess, and they get to Pharlin’s condo. And guess what other bullshit the other throws at us? Pharlin just happens to have a cure for the zombie outbreak. How did he come up with this cure? How did he know that there was a zombie virus floating around? How did he obtain a sample of the virus to test on? How did he test the cure against the virus?

I don’t know. I do not know. It’s never explained. It’s just… there! There it is and you shouldn’t question it! Pfft, all those zombie movies or shows where the cure is never found, how stupid are those losers?! Walking Dead, World War Z, Left 4 Dead… there all stupid compared to this Pharlin guy, who… has done nothing, pretty much does nothing, we know nothing about, and somehow, SOMEFUCKINGHOW manages to find a cure for the zombie apocalypse in his back pocket.

This is the moment where the story jumped the shark. It has literally jumped the shark people. This series will be forever worse because of it.

So, they have to get the cure to the National Guard so they can use it to take out the zombies.

They manage to get back to the streets where they find a group of soldiers patrolling the area. Pharlin goes to speak to them, but forgets that he is still wearing the mask. The soldiers mistake him for a zombie and open fire on him, thus killing him.

Finally! Some death and destruction! Too bad it came from THE SOLDIERS, INSTEAD OF THE ZOMBIES! Seriously, what is the casualty count of the zombies that we actually see?! We don’t actually see the zombies killing anyone! We only see the soldiers or the group of morons killing! Not the zombies themselves!

We cut back to the hotel where the zombies have broken through the TWO SENTRIES POSTED AT THE FRONT DOOR, and being pouring into the hotel. The group starts to panic from the zombie horde and try to escape to get to the arena where the others are.

However, they are saved when the National Guard arrives with the other group. The others explain about the cure they have, but fail to mention the death of Pharlin. I guess he really wasn’t that important to the plot.

We then cut to Stupid and Britney who are introduced to the rest of the Miami Flamers. Rio explains that he will help their friends get back to the arena, so they all can be safe. We go through the biographies of the coach and several players of the teams, and unless you want to know more about them, (in which case just use Wikipedia), it’s pretty damn pointless.

Stupid then asks Britney if she wants to be his girlfriend. … What have you been calling her before? The same thing I have? Stupid, useless bitch? Because that’s what she is.

Britney then shows him her…

“It’s an enchanted bag I made myself. It’s waterproof, fireproof, and pretty much indestructible.” Rarity looked over to him. “Do you honestly think I would be so careless with my belongings?”

THEN WHY THE FUCK WHERE YOU WHINING AND COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR STUFF BEING WET WHEN YOU HAVE AN INDESTRUCTABLE BAG?! AND FOR THAT MATTER SHOULDN’T YOU BE USING THIS INDESTRUCTIBLE MATERAL FOR ARMOR OR SOMETHING?! I THINK A MATERAL THAT IS COMPLETELY INDESTRUCTILBE WOULD CATCH THE ATTENTION OF THE MILITARY! HOW MANY LIVES WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO SAVE?! FUCK THIS STORY!

But it turns out there was a point to Bellowing Britney’s lie. Take a look at this…

“I did. I wanted to see what your reaction was. Looks like you’re going to buy me some new clothes anyway. That can be one of our dates!”

Every sentence uttered in this story is like a zombie ripping out my brain and eating it.

We then get the position of every character on the basketball team, it is entirely pointless.

The group arrives at the stadium and explains why Dumbass and Druggie aren’t with them, because they left them at the hotel. The group declares them dead, more likely that they just don’t want to go after them, but ‘the brave, handsome, superb, ethical, morally right, strong’ Stupid declares that he will save them and that his penis is bigger than anypony else’s.

Or is that his head? I frankly can’t tell the difference.

Stupid arrives just in time to save Dumbass and Druggie and then we get a cameo from… Andy Samberg?

… … … Because.. that totally makes sense… Because when you think zombies… you think… Andy Samberg… I mean, it’s not like he has ever been in a zombie movie before… He’s not like Andrew Lincoln, Sarah Polley, Simon Pegg, or hell, even Duane Jones, who have actually been in a zombie movie… No, that’d be stupid. No, let’s thrown in an actor who’s never played in a zombie movie… FOR NO FUCKING REASON!

So, it turns out a year has passed since the zombie apocalypse and the bus driver finally decides to come back. Whatever, this story is almost over.

The magic that prevented them from using their wings and horns mysteriously vanishes, Sludge moves out of Twilight’s house to live on the streets with Druggie where they died due to an overdose. It was about 20 years later that anyone even noticed.

Spike was found tied up and gagged on the back of the bus and nopony ever noticed, but he is now safely back in Twilight’s home.

Bellowing Britney and Stupid were married, but were divorced three years later after finding out that Bellowing Britney had been cheating with Stupid’s best friend, Jackass. Stupid killed Jackass and was sentence to prison for life. Feeling alone, Bellowing Britney committed suicide.

Rarity, it turns out, was with the Doctor the entire time and that when she returned a few days later, everything went back to normal.

Everypony else… well, who cares?

We then get a sequel beg where the characters want to have a reunion in Amsterdam, and honestly, I don’t give a shit.

What kind of drugs was this author on to come up with this?

I guess that it was trying to be like Shaun of the Dead, but had none of the charm, wit, humor, interesting characters or anything resembling the comedic writing of that movie.

This story is just dumb. Absolutely dumb in every respect of the word. The characters are as mean spirited as they have ever been, making me care less about them with every passing scene. Even when they are trying to be funny, they never once even got so much as a pity laugh from me.

The plot is nonsensical and makes no sense! How did the zombies get created? How did Pharlin manage a cure? Why the hell did this revolve around basketball players that have nothing to do with the plot of the story?! The story has nothing to do with the event it is based on and nothing to do with the zombies! Even the author of the story claims…

It may be short, but it's also not focused solely on the zombie setting. This story is more focused on character development than anything.

Except what do we learn about the characters that we didn’t already know? Poncho doesn’t like his friends, Druggie’s a druggie, Stupid is in love with Bellowing Britney, and all the other characters I either can’t remember their names or what they did. Most characters leave some kind of impact, but no, none of these characters do that! They are all just generic stereotypes that are offensive and unfunny!

The writing is bland and boring as hell. The dialogue is unnatural most of the time and there are far too many characters to focus on for this author. I know there isn’t a set limit of how many characters you can focus on. But if you are going to have a million characters in a story, you need to spend time with each of them, getting to know all of them. This author doesn’t spend enough time with any of the characters! There are some characters you don’t even see! Hell, Pinkie Pie isn’t mentioned from chapter 2 on! And it’s 14 fucking chapters!

Which brings me to the point I have been saving up for a little while…

Why the fucking hell does this need to be a My Little Pony fan fic?!

I mean, seriously think about it for a second. What did the My Little Pony characters actually do to this story? What did they actually contribute? What did they do in the story to make this story better?

That’s right. Fucking nothing. They did nothing. There is not one thing that these characters did. I bet you, halfway through the story, you forgot it was a My Little Pony fan fic. I sure as fuck did. What is even the point of them being there, if you aren’t going to take advantage of them and their world?

My guess is, you had one of your friends fall in love with Rarity and asked you to make a fan fic revolving around that. But rather than make it a one shot, you thought that you should have a great big adventure with all your friends getting high and saving the world. And instead of giving us only one horrid fan fic to read, you gave us four. Four ugly pieces of vile shit! And I honestly have had all that I can stomach for this year!

Fuck this story and fuck. This. Series.

Have a great day guys. If you’ll excuse me, I need to recover because Sequel September is just warming up.

***

Hey, guys. Spideremblembrony here. Just here again with an announcement of my newest story that I am working on called ‘The Longest Night’. It’s a Halloween story with the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

In the story, they end up in a mansion for a night with a serial killer chasing them and they have to find their way out. It’s a project I’ve been working on for a while now, and I’m really excited to post it. There’s going to be a little bit of gore in it, but not enough to make you sick.

I’m looking for anyone who is willing to help, be they experienced or not. Any help I can get will be appreciated. Proofreaders, editors or pre-readers are welcome.

Also, if you want to know more about the project that maybe I didn’t mention in this blog post, please send me a private message. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, feel free to ask away and I’ll try to answer them as best that I can.

If you are interested in lending me a hand, please leave a comment or send me a private message with a email or other place I can contact you.

The first chapter will be posted on October 1st and will be continually posted throughout October, so be on the lookout for it and hopefully you all enjoy it.

Sequel September: Dame Vinyl

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And welcome back to… Sequel September…

Last week was a bit of a struggle for me, and it’s only the first week of the damn month. Going back and seeing these stories continually become worse is something that I do not enjoy.

And this week is no exception. For those of you who remember my review of One Winged Angel, good for you. For those of you who don’t, let me quickly recap.

Sephiroth, the main villain of Final Fantasy 7, appears in Equestria via dark cloud, where he befriends the main six. Sephiroth reveals his plan to destroy all of Equestria, but if he is destroyed, Equestria is destroyed with it. Yeah, it makes about as much sense as it sounds.

Celestia, which is actually revealed to be an Islamic God who created all life on Equestria,

And in the universe for that matter, who battle Sephiroth long ago, completely butchering the continuity of Final Fantasy 7 while at the same time the MLP series. And not in a very creative way.

They finally end up banishing Sephiroth to the moon, via Jewish song. Well, they call it ‘Soosi’ in the story, but we all know it’s Jewish. And everyone that isn’t Soosi is a moron, since they needlessly make rude comments like these…

"Ah thought Sooses're supposed ta be quick as whips. The othas ah understand-but Derpy...hoo-wee, ain't that somethin'!"

"Maybe the horn grew into her brain..." Rainbow mused.

Ha, ha, ha… That’s totally racist.

As you can imagine, I really didn’t like this story, so my expectations of its sequel are not very high. So, let’s dig into Dame Vinyl and see where it goes from here.

The story starts off where near the end of where the first one ended, with Vinyl being knighted for her bravery against Sephiroth, even though there are like 4 other ponies who should be knighted, but I’ll skip that rant for now.

Vinyl receives a letter from Canterlot asking her to appear for her knighting ceremony.

Octavia groaned. "Only you could manage to acquire a knighthood for creating the loudest sound in Equestria, Vinyl-"

"Dame Vinyl," Vinyl cut in, "titles are important!"

Technically, she hasn’t been knighted yet. Celestia could still change her mind… And I really hope she does.

Octavia sighed, "Alright, Dame Vinyl. You know, it interrupted my show, although to actually hear Lunarian music was transcendant-"

Yes, wasn’t that song just magnificent? Don’t you remember how much of an impact it had on?

Warning. Repetitive subject.

What? What do you mean ‘repetitive subject’?

You have repeatedly stated your opinion on music in fan fiction. I believe it is getting old. Anytime you touch on a subject that you have repeatedly touched on, I will issue a warning.

But half the things I rant about are repetitive subjects? How am I going to do a review without issuing them?

You may issue them, but in small amounts.

Ugh… This is going to make this difficult…

Anyway, Vinyl

Dame Vinyl

Whatever, and Octavia start to converse about the events of the previous story. It doesn’t really answer any questions that the previous story had at the end of it, but rather reminds me of the fight scene that wasn’t done very well.

Vinyl sighed, "I have a chill spot with a studio in Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack let me build on her property cause they have so much free space. That way, I can crank the wubs as loud as I want, and nopony can claim noise pollution."

Now we see what attracted the Vampire Fruit Bats.

And then we see another bit of racism in our little town of Ponyville.

Hey!" Vinyl shot out, "She is NOT a rube! Sure, she may be a little bit country, but that's her charm! I'm sure you'd warm up to her if you met her!"

Octavia sneered at that comment. "You know I have no desire to associate with those ruffians, Vinyl-"

Wow, not even the first chapter and already I hate this story. Expect lots of yelling in this one.

Apparently, Octavia has a reason for hating the main six, even if it is a stupid one, and says that they ruined her big night at the Grand Galloping Gala. Technically, that night was a lost cause anyway. You should hear what Celestia says about it behind everypony’s back.

Youtube Video

So, Vinyl

Dame Vinyl

Whatever, tries to explain to Octavia that the main six aren’t bad and that she should get to know them.

Vinyl winked at Octavia, "and that's coming from a Knight Commander of the Royal Equestrian Empire, so you know it's true!"

Octavia groaned. "Blueblood is a Prince. He is also the most foppish, ill-mannered dandy that ever walked Equestria. Do you think I should listen to whatever HE says?"

Yes, because if you don’t he will heat vision your face off.

Youtube Video

"Not the point," Octavia said pointedly, "you know I think he's an absolute sot. Even through all the disaster, I still smiled a little when the pony with the purple mane absolutely splattered him with cake," Octavia said, chuckling a little at that memory.

Blueblood/Zod: Oh, no… cake… my only weakness…

Octavia mentions how she would like to meet Rarity, funny how Rarity is the only character Octavia likes and she is a Soosi. Kind of seeing where this all comes from.

Vinyl

Dame Vinyl

STOP IT! Vinyl is milking the shit of out this! She is milking her title for everything that it is worth! Asking Octavia to refer to her as Dame, demanding that she speak in a request that boasts of her magnificence! Vinyl’s kind of a bitch!

Anyway, Octavia’s had enough of it and starts throwing pillows at her. When she runs out she… throws an entire couch at her?!

Jesus, I know Vinyl was being a bitch, but damn! Isn’t that a little extreme?! And for that matter, how was she able to lift the freaking couch and throw it at Vinyl?! Does Octavia have super strength?!

Anyway, Octavia meets Rarity at a local diner where they sit and talk. They discuss the battle with Sephiroth, which actually really doesn’t reveal anything new, other than, Princess Twilight is the exact opposite of Vinyl. Where Vinyl is milking her title for all its worth, Twilight has shown restraint and would rather be treated like she was before.

Vinyl told me that she was the conduit for that massive energy blast that sealed Sephiroth on the moon."

"Yes, and she almost gave out a few times. When the spell was complete, she passed out for three days."

Octavia shuddered at that. She was very happy being an earth pony.

I am making a T-shirt! Earth Pony and proud!

They then start gossiping about Blueblood, saying all kinds of things about him and how horrible he was to Rarity at the Gala and that Rarity finally got him back.

He is a disgusting, boorish pig of a pony, and you certainly gave him his..." Octavia started giggling uncontrollably.

"Gave him what, dear?"

Octavia's giggling turned into chortling. "His...JUST DESSERTS!"

… Okay, I’ll give this story one point… that made me laugh a bit.

"Well then, now that we've had our fun, how about we go back to my place? I have certain questions I'd like to ask you in private..." Octavia intoned.

Oh, no! It’s one of those stories!

"Well, I'd be delighted! Lead the way!" Rarity said as she chugged the rest of her macchiato. Octavia cringed as a visible tingle thrummed through Rarity's body.

Wow, it really is one of those stories!

Octavia unlocked the door to her apartment, Rarity in tow. She opened it to complete blackness.

It really, REALLY is one of those stories!

"Oh, you'll see," Vinyl said wickedly. Just then, a low thrum swept through the room, "Introducing...the Dame of Dubstep...the Knight Commander of Nightcore...DJ-Pon-3!" as the shadow of a unicorn was cast in the black and a torrential downpour of wubs descended upon the apartment, causing Rarity and Octavia to cover their ears. Vinyl then switched on the lights and turned off the dubstep. "So, what did you think of my new intro?" Vinyl asked with a grin.

Oh, good. It’s not one of those stories.

A neighbor comes to complain about the noise Vinyl

Dame Vinyl

This is going to get old… quick… is making, but after announcing that she is a knight, the neighbor walks off without saying another word. Wow, Vi-.. Dame Vinyl is a bitch. She can do whatever she wants just because she’s famous! And why should Vinyl feel so special anyway?! There were others who contributed more than she did! Why was she knighted and not them?!

And even, Rarity thinks that it is okay to abuse her power like this. Oh, good. Rarity must have had her brain sucked out of her head, because that is not how she would react. If you want proof, go watch Putting Your Hoof Down, I think that it shows an abuse of power is a bad thing!

Anyway, Octavia asks Rarity to sing her Lunarian song that she sang to defeat Sephiroth. Rarity is at first hesitant, but finally works up the courage to sing it.

They start to talk about the Pre-Equestria civilization and I’ve just notice something about this story… the pacing… We are two chapters in and I still have no idea what the point of everything that is going on is. Mind you, this story is only 6 chapters long and the chapters have, at most, 2000 words. Frankly, I’m not so much pissed off as I am bored. This story really isn’t that interesting, and the talking head syndrome found throughout is not helping.

Rarity sings another song and translates it for her. Why? I have no flipping idea. I guess it’s to show how much the author knows about Jerusalem, but what does this have to do with the story?!

Ugh… Octavia has an orgasm about ‘how wonderful their music is’ and ‘how fantastic their civilization was’ and ‘how they were treated wrongly’ … Look if you are going to show us how fantastic this civilization is… TRY ACTUALLY SHOWING US IT!

You say that they were a magnificent civilization, but I’m sorry, that doesn’t show us their struggle. That doesn’t show us what they went through. That doesn’t help us understand their reason for doing what they do. And it certainly doesn’t help when we can’t hear the music that is supposed to represent that!

Also, one thing I wanted to mention… What is the focus of this story?! Is this story about the Soosi’s history? The knight Vinyl? Octavia’s and Rarity’s relationship? Where is the focus of the story? It keeps switching back and forth to all of these things, but they don’t synchronize at all!

Anyway, Dame Vinyl is in a pub where a stallion walks up with her and asks her on a date. However, Dame Vinyl explains that she is a lesbian. The stallion explains that his friends dared him to ask her out and then Dame Vinyl starts making out with him. … Pretty freaking pointless.

Anyway, Dame Vinyl

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander

Now, you’re just being a bitch…

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is asked not to smoke, but after repeating her title of ‘Knight Commander’ to the bartender, he finally gives up and walks away. Remember kids, if you have an important title, exploit the shit out of it!

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, seriously I met Mary-Sues with short titles than this, sees a … katana on the wall of the pub?

Look, I think katanas are cool and all, but … what the hell is a katana doing in a medieval like setting?! I know that Sephiroth had what looked like a katana in the game, and this may be the same world, but that was over 1000 years ago by the stories setting. And in the show’s continuity, the armor they wear is more based on a medieval style that it was a feudal Japanese style. So, why is this katana here? There is no mention of trading, or purchasing of such a weapon, it just sort of appears!

Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh on this portion. After all, Final Fantasy 7 had some katanas and technically this is the same world. Not sure how the fuck it works, but at the very least, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is going to have a cool name for her sword. So… What’s it going to be?

“NoWacking,” she mumbled.

… I’m sorry.. What?

Vinyl sighed, “I hereby christen this sword NoWacking!”

Really? … NoWacking? Not going to go for something else, like… StabbyStick? Or… MetalPokeyThingy? Or… CurvyOutOfPlaceOutOfTimePoker? … NoWacking, huh? …

I love it when the author doesn’t care, it allows me to say whatever the hell I want about the story and not feel badly about it.

Vinyl

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander

SHUT UP!

She goes home and gets into another argument with one of the neighbors about how much noise she is making. It is utterly pointless.

Octavia, after seeing how clumsy, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is with a sword, recommends that she take lessons on the subject.

So, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander gets her weapon registered… it is utterly pointless.

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander

Wielder of NoWacking

… Whatever… runs into Rarity. She explains that obtained the sword in a bar and Rarity asks where it came from. The pony with the unnecessarily long name, which I happened to make longer by typing it this way, tells Rarity that she doesn’t know, nor does she particularly care.

Rarity and … you know who… travel around the town and ask everypony if they recognize the sword. However, they come up dry. Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, wielder of NoWacking… there I said it… claims that the sword is rightfully hers.

Rarity, however, manages to convince her to see Princess Celestia about the sword and see where it comes from.

Celestia asks to borrow the sword from Vinyl and Vinyl is pretty defensive about, nearly attacking Celestia just to keep it. Celestia decides to back off, which is really stupid considering the explanation we are about to get. She convinces Vinyl to take up sword lessons with the royal guard, again showing how stupid Celestia is in this story.

Celestia then explains to Rarity where the sword actually came from. The sword’s real name is the Masamune. And it is the same blade that Sephiroth used in Final Fantasy 7.

It turns out that the blade is cursed with Sephiroth’s spirit and that it is slowly possessing Vinyl’s body. And honestly, I couldn’t tell because Vinyl was acting like a bitch before she got the sword. That’s good storytelling for you.

So, let me get this straight Celestia, instead of taking the blade from a pony, who is slowly being possessed by an evil demon who is now trapped on the moon, waiting to be free, you want to teach her how to kill ponies better? And instead of dealing with it yourself, you send Rarity, who has no combat skills (with the exception of martial arts, but I doubt it is in league with Sephiroth) to deal with it, instead of doing something sensible like, oh, I don’t know, using Discord or Twilight?!

The sheer level of stupid oozing from this story would cover Equestria four times.

Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, Wielder of NoWacking and Rarity return to Octavia’s place, where they try to use the song that Rarity knows to rid the sword of the demon.

And it is the longest copy and paste I have ever seen in a story. I’m serious.  For nearly 200 words, it’s just lyrics of the song. There is no music, no actions, no reactions of any kind. Just straight lyrics to the song.

I really hate this story.

And immediately afterwards, she sings the song again, translated…

Oh, good, because it was so good the first time!

I need some really music here, and since this is Final Fantasy 7…

Youtube Video

However, they soon see that the song doesn’t work and that Sephiroth has taken control of Vinyl.

Sephiroth reveals his evil plan to destroy all of pony kind to gather their life energy into himself.

“That doesn’t even make any sense!” Rarity said loudly, pulling back and swatting towards Vinyl, who blocked handily, “That has to be the most ridiculous evil plot I’ve ever heard!” as the sheath was pushed away.

Have you read half of the stories I’ve read? Because that is the same evil plot from Final Fantasy 7. Nothing has changed. Seriously, it’s the exact same. And this is ridiculous? I’d love to see what you think a good evil plan is?

Anyway, after throwing an entire couch at Vinyl, which still doesn’t make any sense, but hey, points for joke callback, they finally knock her out. Rarity suggests that Octavia go take the sword from Vinyl, since Sephiroth won’t likely possess an earth pony.

… That’s stupid. If Sephiroth has a way to get back into the world, even though an earth pony, wouldn’t he take it?! He doesn’t exactly have the luxury of being picky when it comes to taking over the world in his position?!

They arrive at Canterlot where Luna performs an exorcism on the sword and on Vinyl. Okay, if someone makes a story with Luna as the Exorcist, that would be cool.

And our story ends with Octavia and Vinyl…

Dame Vin-

SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCKING HELL SHIT FUCK UP, VINYL YOU PIECE OF SHIT KNIGHT HOOD BITCH! JUST SHUT UP! OH, LOOK AT ME, I’M A GREAT KNIGHT AND I SHOULD BE WORSHIPED AND OTHER BULLSHIT BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING BITCH! FOR CHIST SAKE, TAKE YOUR NOWACKER AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SO FAR, THAT YOU’LL HAVE TO HAVE SURGURY TO GET IT REMOVED, YOU FUCKING BITCH!

God, damnit! You see what this story turns me into?!

This story is just dumb… it isn’t as bad as its predecessor, but it’s just so fucking boring. With its uninteresting premise, terrible characters, talking head syndrome, slow as shit pacing and with no substance to what is going on until the very end makes this a difficult read.

This story would have been stronger if it was just Vinyl being a bitch about her new title. That was actually interesting. I wanted to see more of that. Those scenes were almost tolerable. I’m not even kidding. They almost made me interested in the story. But when you do more telling than showing, and focus on the Soosi mythology rather than the character, it makes it unfocused and uninteresting.

The pacing is terrible since nothing of substance comes until the very end of the story and very few things that are introduced in the story make no sense and don’t connect to what goes on in the rest of the story.

While there were jokes that did work, it still wasn’t enough to save this sinking abomination.

If you have the chance to skip it, definitely take it.

Have a good day guys. … Two down… Two to go…

Sequel September: Cameron's Ponyville Misadventures 2

Cameron is back, but with him are his friends Austin, Dillon, Dominic, Andrew and Nick. Together, they embark on an adventure, with the Mane 6.

God, I hate Cameron… Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. Today, I look back at a Human in Equestria story. Yeah, it’s been a little while since I’ve done one of these. Fortunately, today, I’ve stocked up on plenty of alcohol and…

You are not drinking.

What?! But I have to play the Human in Equestria drinking game!

The last time you played that, you threw up all over the restroom.

If this story didn’t have so many fucking clichés in it, I wouldn’t have a problem.

You are not drinking. Besides, it is terrible for your liver.

… Bitch… Well, I may be forbidden to play it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t encourage it. Get out your shot glasses and make sure you have plenty of alcohol on standby, because we are diving, head first, into Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures 2

For those of you who don’t remember this story, allow me to give you a brief summery. Cameron, who I am calling Human-guy, at least until a better name pops into my head, appears in Equestria and has sex with Fluttershy.

Nightmare Moon then appears and attacks Cameron. Celestia says that only Cameron has the power to stop her, which makes no sense because he doesn’t actually do anything against her, and it was the Elements of Harmony that actually defeated her.

Cameron is killed by Nightmare Moon, but is brought back to life by the Elements of Harmony, creating the Jesus metaphor. He then returns back to his own world and frankly, I don’t remember the last bit of it. I would say it was the alcohol, but it was more likely I just don’t care to remember it.

Our story here starts with an author’s note.

Again, I always make a short and brief Prologue. And don't criticise my work this time, okay? Just tell me what I need to fix.

Isn’t telling you what you need to fix criticism? Wow, you really need a Thesaurus, don’t you?

Our story starts proper with this…

So here I am, back again in Ponyville. Want to know how I got back here?

Do I actually have a choice?! Because I choose not to!

Okay, I'll tell you my story.

Fuck…

It started like this. One year later, I was in my house,

Wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!

What the hell, dude? ‘One year later’? One year later from when? One year later from you telling us this story?! Are you saying that this story is going to take us a year to get through and then you are actually going to experience what you just told us? Does Human-guy suddenly have foresight now?

I assume that you mean, ‘One year later from my first trip to Ponyville’, but then why the fuck would you not say that?! You can’t just assume the audience knows something of what you mean! Explain it better!

Or do you mean ‘One year ago’ stating that you’ve been in Ponyville for a year? One of the few ways you could have written it wrong and you manage to pull it off. That takes serious talent and not the good kind either.

So, they decide to hangout in an alleyway. Yeah, because don’t all the cool kids hangout in alleyways. My god, no wonder you got picked on in high school, most kids have houses or places to actually, you know, hang out, you all just hang out in alleyways like fucking druggies. Any second I keep expecting Druggie from The Poncho Chronicles to start selling drugs to these guys.

Okay, so we get introduced to the friends of Human-guy, but honestly, they play such a small role in this story, you’ll barely miss them if I just leave out their names. Honestly, the story doesn’t care about them. Don’t believe me, well, take a look at this piece of literature…

We decided to hang out in an alley and talk about a variety of subjects (like fanfics, art, video games, etc).

Oh, yeah, because that shows the depths of the characters we are introducing in this story. The subjects they talk about add a lot to their characters, don’t they? They like Fanfiction, art and video games! Oh, so much information just flowing through those single lines. I wonder what else we will learn about these characters? Like, they have two eyes? Or they have hands? Or maybe that they even have… and bear with me here… hair? Oh, the possibilities.

They see a portal in the alleyway that is similar to the one that transported Human-guy back home from Equestria. I have to scratch my head at how exactly would Twilight know where to place her portal to see where Human-guy was. Does she have a mirror that shows where Human-guy is?

:twilightsmile: Mirror, mirror on the wall, show me the biggest dumbass of all.

Skye…

:facehoof: No, the other dumbass…

Poncho…

:twilightangry2: Stupid mirror! The real dumbass!

Soren…

:facehoof: Why are there so many dumbasses?

The friends think about jumping in, because that is exactly what you should do seeing a strange portal appear out of nowhere. And after the argument of ‘Let’s go in’, they decide to jump in.

What they didn’t know was that was actually a portal to hell, where they would all be forced to read the comments on this fan fiction, without the ability to delete them!

So, they end up in Ponyville, where the beautiful setting is ‘described’ to us.

We looked around, seeing the bright colors and beautiful scenery outside of Ponyville.

Now, isn’t this what you think of when you think of describing the scenery of Ponyville? Obviously, there was a lot of time and effort put into placing every single important point into the scenery around them. Why, it’s like reading an actually painting! I actually commissioned an artist to draw a picture of what this might look like based on the description and this is what he came back to me with…

It was a good deal!

"Woah...was THIS the thing that you were talking about, Cameron?" I heard Nick ask me in amazement.

Oh, okay. I guess Human-guy just told his friends about him going to Equestria and having pony sex. And of course, big fucking shock here, the friends take it unrealistically well! God, kids are just so fucking open minded now-a-days.

Why, I’m actually a fish from the Indian Ocean and how I post my blogs and write my reviews is I consult with my uncle who is actually a kangaroo, who owns Best Buy. And now the truth is out there.

So they go to Ponyville (yet, it took more words in the review to say that than it did in the story) and they run into our main six, where Fluttershy is happy to see Human-guy again. Oh, they were in a relationship? Funny… I don’t remember that in the first story. Was it because it was so underdeveloped? Was it because they have no chemistry together? Was it because the story didn’t bother to explain it instead choosing to focus on a plot against Nightmare Moon that was both generic and stupid?

If you said yes to all three, I apologize.

So, they greet the main six (again, took longer to say that in the review than it did the story, speaking volumes about the fact that the pacing is shit) and the friends agree to stay in Ponyville in the home that Human-guy built when he was first here. Yes, he has a house. He’s moved in with Thunder-Ice and Damion.

Well, the rest of the day we spent unpacking our belongings and moving in.

What?! … What?! … What belongings?! You guys didn’t have anything when you jumped through the portal?! Are you saying that you carry all your belongings with you?! We clearly saw that Human-guy had a house to sleep in during the first story! So, what happened?! Are you and your friends just bums on the street?! Maybe I wasn’t far off with my druggie crack after all?!

Oh, good. We get our next chapter in present tense. Even though up to this point, it has been past tense. Have they been there a year? What happened within that time frame?! Have we finally caught up to the present and this is what is happening now?! Then why the hell did you even bother with the ‘One year’ thing?! Why not just have the present be them in the alleyway?!

They just chatted with my friends, asking how life on Earth was and other things.

God… could this story get any more boring?! I had a more exciting time having a staring contest with my wall! Or listen to Computer rambling for 5 hours about physics!

Ramble? Is that what it is, sir?

If you didn’t make it sound so boring!

The conversation here is non-existent! There is nothing to add to the characters. Nothing that shows how they interact with each other. Nothing that shows anything about their personalities. And it never changes. I’m serious. Outside of the characters names, we never see anything resembling a personality. You could replace them with cardboard cutouts and no one would be able to tell the difference.

No, I take that back. Even cardboard would have a more interesting personality than these characters!

Anyway, they go to visit Princess Celestia and she explains that she was the one who casted the spell that brought them here. Really? You wanted Human-guy back that bad? Was he really that fascinating?

Wait, I know why Celestia brought him back. She wanted to study him. Yep, she wanted to see how a character could be so devoid of any personality. At the very least, I’ll get to watch Celestia cut him open and find out what is inside him.

Disgusting? Yes. Better than this? Hell yes.

They then head home… what the hell was the point of Celestia even being there again?

After that waste of time, the main six give their friends the tour of Ponyville. What do they see? Where do they go? What do they do?

Well, I asked a comic book writer to explain to me what happened in this story using his words and art to construct a visual representation of what the author had in mind. And he came back to me with…

He’s a very talented comic book writer. Check him out.

But all is not well because the school has caught on fire…

It wasn’t me this time, I swear!

So, Human-guy goes into the school, because none of the main six are there to help, and the fire-department is nonexistent, and rescues the fillies trapped inside.

He wakes up in a hospital where…

"Oh Cameron!" She hugged me. "I-I thought you were about to die!"

I’m changing ‘thought’ to ‘hoped’.

So, he walks out the hospital and for some reason the doctors allow it, even though he rushed into a burning building and was unconscious, and follows Fluttershy home. Oh, I so hope we get another warning label about sexual intercourse. That was funny the first time.

Actually, right before they can bang each other, one of Luna’s night guards knocks on the door and interrupts them.

The guard just became my new favorite character!

He asks Human-guy to come with him to see Princess Luna.

When he arrives, Luna thanks Human-guy for saving the group of fillies the other day. Aw, that’s sweet. Now, let’s see how we can fuck it up.

Luna then decides to tell Human-guy her backstory. … Yeah. Just out of the blue. He didn’t ask about it. It doesn’t connect to why he is here in the first place. It has no significance on the plot and adds nothing to the overall story itself.

… I really hate this story.

He then starts to describe the events of Neil Armstrong’s journey to the moon.

"Because to them, it was a mystery of what it was like on the moon. No one has been there. But Neil Armstrong found a way."

Because the scientists, engineers and other pilots had nothing to do with it at all! Nope, it was Neil Armstrong by himself, with no help whatsoever.

Also, that bit about Neil Armstrong, yeah, that’s pointless in the overall scheme of things. It’s just to show how ‘smart’ the author is. Oh, and just to add to that, he tells us that ‘luna’ in Spanish means ‘moon’. God and I thought the Spanish in Poncho Chronicles was stupid. At least there, it sort of made sense! This comes out of fucking nowhere! Like the author wants us to be impressed with how ‘smart’ he is.

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t I stop my reviews of the story and just shout out random knowledge that has nothing to do with what I’m doing now, in an effort to make you think I’m smart?!

That is the worst idea I have ever-

Did you know that Spider-Man’s first appearance in the comics was actually in a dying series called Amazing Fantasy?

Sir, the audience just wants to read the re-

Did you know that if a shark stops moving they can’t breathe and they die?

Sir, at what point did anypony ask to know about-

Did you know that blue and red paint mixed together create purple paint?

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Oh, and then we get this load of bullshit.

She smiled at me, and hugged me. "Thanks for talking to me, Cameron."

I grinned. "No problem, Luna."

She let me go, and I walked out. I felt like I went through to her and told her that everything is gonna be okay....

BULL SHIT!

Come fucking on! You seriously expect me to believe that some random stranger can just come up to her, tell her that Luna is okay and she would be okay?! Luna, who has been tormented by the guilt of being jealous of her sister and letting her anger get the better of her to become a demon known as Nightmare Moon, who almost destroyed everything she cared about, is brought peace by this unknown stranger, when her sister Celestia, her sister’s pupil, Twilight, her niece, Cadence, couldn’t?! Hell, even her fucking nephew, Blueblood would have made more fucking sense!

No, instead we get random ass Human-guy here, a character who I don’t even bother remembering the name, who comes in and tells Luna that everything is okay and that Luna believes it!

Embrasser Mes Fesses!

Yeah, I can insert random languages too! That doesn’t mean you should!

After that chapter, the group goes to Canterlot where they find that Princess Cadence has been abducted.

She must have been. She’s not in the Crystal Empire right now.

They find out that Queen Chrysalis kidnapped her as she appears in the castle to make her threats.

Okay, why did Chrysalis appear boasting about how she kidnapped Cadence? Isn’t she a shape shifter? Last I checked she was. So, wouldn’t she take on the guise of Cadence to avoid suspicion? Yeah, it was done exactly the same way in the series, but at least it would make more sense than her saying “Yeah, I kidnapped the princess and am holding her hostage over in that castle over there. Don’t ask me why I’m telling you this! I’m just evil!”

And then we see the witty remarks of one of our heroes. Well, I say witty, but frankly it’s… No, I’m just going to let the remark speak for itself.

"That's too good for a guess!" Chrysalis laughed. She looked at Shining Armor. "I have your beloved Princess Cadence."

"Oh wow. What a surprise." Dominic said out loud, sarcastically.

… I’m going to give you a moment to let that line sink in…

"Oh wow. What a surprise." Dominic said out loud, sarcastically.

… Okay, let’s do this…

This line is probably the saddest attempt at witty one liners I have ever seen.  First off, Dominic has never met Chrysalis before, so how could he know what her plans were? If this had come from Twilight or Rainbow Dash, it would have made more sense, because they actually interacted with her!

Second, this actually gets the castle guards to start laughing. Why? Where’s the humor? Is that really such a powerful line that it would cause someone to drop dead laughing? Did you really think it was funny enough for soldiers, who just learned that their princess had been kidnapped to break out in laughter?

Oh, but he’s not done yet. He has more witty lines like…

"Who does she think she is? A fly?" Some of the guards started laughing.

Oh, yeah, Spider-Man and Danny Phantom are angered with jealousy over this guy’s wit. Hell, Arnold Schwarzenegger would be proud of this kid.

I recently sat down with this kid to ask him what other one liners he would use. He said…

“You have two eyes!”

“Your butt makes poop!”

“I’m holding up two fingers!”

With such witty dialogue, what does Chrysalis do?

She growled. "You have not seen the last of me!" She hissed, as she disappeared.

Yes… she disappears. The characters don’t do anything. They don’t attack her or force her to retreat. This is the line right before she runs away.

"Who does she think she is? A fly?" Some of the guards started laughing.

Was that really that insensitive? Was Chrysalis really broken up by that line?

Nopony insults my favorite animal, you meanie head. You’re a meanie, poopy head!.

Anyway, Twilight asks Human-guy and his friends to rescue Cadence, because Twilight and her friends are incapable, for whatever bullshit reason the author wants to make up, and the group of humans go to see Princess Celestia.

Celestia starts giving them weapons.

Wait, what?

"I forgot to give you something." Her horn glowed, revealing an axe, a double-sword, a bo staff, a greatsword, a katana, and a shortsword. "Take these with you. They'll aid you."

… Who does she think she is?! The elves from Lord of the Rings?! Where the hell did she keep these weapons?! Do they have stupid names for them too?! Like NoWacking?! Why doesn’t Celestia give me weapon?!

She gave you a shotgun.

Under extreme protest.

Touché.

After we were told where to go,

Oh, believe me, I can tell you where to go. They begin to walk to Queen Chrysalis’s place. Seriously, that is exactly how it is worded in the story.

we began to walk to Queen Chrysalis' place.

They come across 3 dogs, that were like humans.

We came across 3 dogs, that were like humans.

Seriously, is this a summary of the story? Wouldn’t that explain a lot?

They were arguing...kinda reminds me of the trolls from The Hobbit.

Yes, we can clearly see that out of the nothing that they are arguing about.

"I'm a human...and who...or what...are you?"

"We're the Diamond Dogs!"

"Heh. That's ironic!" I heard Austin scoff behind me.

… … … Ironic? Ironic because of what? … Ironic? … Ironic? Do you even know what Ironic means? … Ironic? How is what their names are ironic? How? Explain it to me! How?! Is it because of the Diamond Dogs in Metal Gear?! Because that’s coincidence! That’s not ironic at all!

Is it because of the song by David Bowe?! Not ironic either! Coincidence!

Or the book by Alan Watt?!

The movie, Diamond Dogs?!

The performers from Moulin Rouge?!

What the hell ironic about their names?!

Is it because they hunt diamonds?! And they’re dogs?! Where the hell is the irony in that?! Somepony explain this to me, because clearly I am far too stupid to figure it out!

After defeating the ‘ironically named’ Diamond Dogs, our group continues on their quest, but not before Human-guy starts to hit on Rarity. Frankly, this sounds like there is going to be a three-some at the end and Fluttershy and Rarity are going to be totally okay with that, regardless of how much it doesn’t make sense.

As soon as we arrived, it barely looked like a "place".

Then what the hell did it look like?!

I mean, sure, it kinda does on the outside, but once you enter Chrysalis' Castle, it looks like a hive; ponies were cocooned and sticky-like stuff were all over the place...just like spiders, and I have a very high case of arachnophobia. Trust me.

Oh, why start now? And literally, the next paragraph down…

I looked at the greatsword in my hand. "Guys..." They looked at me. "I think we need to slash all of this webbing."  That's odd. Normally, I have arachnophobia. Now I feel...courageous.

Oh, good. That totally vital plot point that ultimately amounted to nothing is resolved. I was afraid I wasn’t going to sleep tonight.

Oh, and something I just noticed, yeah, there are ponies trapped in cocoons here, and yet, our heroes completely ignore them. There is no mention of rescuing any of them, they just mention them and then move on.

Geez, with heroes like these who needs villains?

So, they start exploring the castle for a half-hour, as Queen Chrysalis has set up no defenses around her castle. No guards. No traps. Not even a locked door. It’s like she want them to come straight for her after boasting how she captured Princess Cadence. It’s almost like building an exhaust port that is the only means of destroying your planet destroying death machine.

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They find Cadence who has been … tied up?

… What kind of sick and twisted games have you been playing with her, Chrysalis?

… Wait, it’s not one of those stories?

Oh good. I was afraid we were going to have another WonderFall moment. Lord knows, I’ve had enough of that.

They rescue Cadence, but then Chrysalis attacks them with her henchmen.

"Great...a trap!" Dash yelled.

I would use Admiral Akbar here, but frankly the trap is pretty weak, since the Changelings are defeated pretty fucking easily. Also, I just used a Star Wars joke.

Also, I just thought of something, what the hell was the point of Chrysalis kidnapping Cadence? Why kidnap her in the first place? There was no ransom note, no demands, or any ultimatum of any kind! She just kidnapped Cadence for the sake of kidnapping her. Was Chrysalis taking lessons from the Underpants Gnomes about evil plans?

Phase 1: Kidnap Princess Cadence

Phase 2: ???

Phase 3: Profit!

So, Chrysalis, after watching her soldiers get taken out, reveals her master plan for ridding herself of the humans. A plan so diabolical and grand in scale, that the heroes will have to use everything they have to defeat her! A scheme so terrible it makes great villains like Darkseid, Thanos, Dr. Doom, Darth Vader, and Dr. Evil to shame!

Her plan is…

"FINE! IF MY MINIONS CAN'T DEFEAT YOU, I WILL!" She shouted, as she disappeared.

… to run away? Interesting tactic…

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They escape Chrysalis’s Castle and make their way back to Ponyville. Celestia holds a big celebration for them. Our heroes decide they want to stay in Equestria, because they made such good friends in the … what? Barely 4 lines of dialogue they each had. None of which was talking to another character outside of Human-guy. So this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

And they title themselves the Equestria Warriors…

Wait, they are the Equestria Warriors?! I’ve read about them in my history book! These humans are famous in Equestria! Children of all ages read about these warriors and their exploits! Which involves them dying in their first mission against the Flim-Flam brothers’ Super Beastly Dragon Thingy 6000, making them the worst heroes Equestria ever had.

Jeez, this story is worse than the first one!

Now, let me be clear on this. I’m not going to criticize your work. I’m just going to tell you what you need to fix.

First, the characters. These characters are never explored upon in this story. We never see who they are, what they do, what their personalities are, what their likes and dislikes are, how they interact with each other, how they interact with the main six, what their reactions are to Equestria, what their reactions are to Celestia, they are just blank slates. They are blank pieces of paper that somehow were shaped into human beings, with no personality or humanity about them. They simply exist to waste our time.

The plot makes no sense. Why the hell would Chrysalis kidnap Cadence? There was no reason to kidnap her. There was no ransom, no demands, no plan whatsoever. It makes Chrysalis look like an idiot to have her kidnap Cadence for no reason and it does not give you credit as an author for doing so.

Third, the descriptions are the worst. They never give us anything outside of who said what. A story is supposed to create a world, an environment, and a mood. This story does none of that. Even the actions scenes were boring to read. You know why? Because, there was never any action in the story. The story literally says…

We held up our weapons, shooting out powerful beams of energy at the Changelings. They all were on the ground.

That was our big climax. The climax for the story against Chrysalis’s army. Done in two sentences. This should have been a big moment where everything comes together. But no, it doesn’t do any of that.

The portrayal of the main six is awful. They never once feel like the characters from the show. All they do is stand around and witness how great Human-guy and his barely namable friends are. That is all they have a purpose to. They have no business being in this story.

My advice, start taking other ponies advice! As I look into the comment section of this story, there have been countless other before me, who are probably a lot smarter than me, that have offered you advice and help on your story. You have taken none of it. That does not make a good artist. When you mess up, let people help you. It’s how you get better. It’s how you improve.

But like so many other, smarter ponies than I, you won’t take my advice and you will continue to be bitter. You have my sympathies.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to play catch up with the rest of you. Have a good day guys.

Sequel September: Prince Martin Willis Two

Warning this review contains sexual scenarios, and detailed sexual events. Viewer Discretion is advised.

Oh, god… Almost done with Sequel September. And oh boy, has it been a rough one. I can’t wait to get this month over and done with for another year. Let’s just get started. What’s the last review I have to do for this month?

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No… No…no… not that one… not that one…

I’ve already reviewed that one… I’ve already reviewed it…

No! No! No! NOOOO!

*Three Hours Later*

Okay… I think I’m better now… It’s just that… The last time I reviewed a story with Prince Martin Willis in it, I nearly lobotomized myself because of how incomprehensible it was!

Here’s the summery of that story as best as I can make it out. Martin Willis, who is apparently so cool that the United States government made him a personal Portal Gun, like the one you see in the Portal games, travels to Aqusteria (the poor people’s version of Equestria)

Martin then starts having sex with everypony around. And I’m not just saying that. I mean, he literally has sex with everypony in the story. The main six and even Celestia. Keep in mind that he has sex with Celestia after Discord had issued a threat against Aquestria, summing up the priorities of our main hero.

Top it all off with poor grammar, formatting, and punctuation, what results is a mess of story that is not only difficult to read, but is also uninteresting because of the bland fight scene and repetitive sex scenes.

And much to my horror, there was a sequel to that story. You can just feel my enthusiasm coming from my text, can’t you?

Let’s just get this over with. This is Prince Martin Willis Two Official Unofficial sEventh Member (LOL) of the Mane Six And no, that is not a typo. That is really how it is spelled.

We start with the description  and…

After falling through a portle to aquestria. After the defeat of the discord. Prince Martin Willis hangs with twilight and the owl only things dont go as they possibly would be.

Dear lord, what is wrong with this description?! I haven’t even gotten to the story yet! I’m not even in chapter 1 yet, and I have already lost faith that there is anything salvageable in this story.

Please… pray for me…

Okay, let’s analyze this … aside from the terrible grammar, spelling, and punctuation, this story says that ‘he hangs out with Twilight and the Owl.’ So, is Spike just not in the story anymore? That’s odd. He was in the last one, and frankly, he was Martin’s apprentice, who banged pretty much everypony in the story. I think the only two he didn’t bang was Applejack and Celestia.

I guess they are Martin’s special pets.

The reason why I bring this up is because for all the talk he does of hanging out with Twilight, he does the opposite. He barely interacts with Twilight in this one. And you’ll see that as we go down the road, but it was like he had one idea where the story was going to go and then changed it halfway, and it makes it incredibly clunky.

Our story starts with our group celebrating after defeating the hentai Discord. Yes, Discord had apparently been reading some Japanese Hentai Porn books. Who knew?

There was much sex and love and also Twilight married Willis but he was allowed to sleep with anything that needed help.

So, he’s married to Twilight out of love, but will have sex with any ‘thing’ that needed help? I should be angry about Twilight being cheated on, but… I’m still fascinated by the thing part of that sentence!

This is kind of a sexual fetishism, isn’t it? Is there a term for someone who is willing to have sex with inanimate objects? Because I think that there needs to be. Granted, it doesn’t say that it has to be an inanimate object, but I’m just saying that this character is willing to have sex with anything!

So, do animals and insects count? Is this guy affected by Zoophila? I mean, we know that he is, but I thought that was just limited to ponies. Apparently, it involves birds, frogs, lizards, rhinos, elephants, spiders, and rats.

And if a flower bed is a little dry, would the character…

Sorry, it’s just…  that’s what I’d rather be doing than reading this story.

So, they start smoking pot and it’s clear that Druggie should come at any minute to smoke some with these characters. Why not? Spike is there and according to the story, “he’s so fucking high, right now” Oh, and apparently he’s having sex with Twilight. I can’t say I’m super surprised by this. What else did I expect from a story that did nothing but that in the last one?

I have to say after reading the first story, my expectations are in the gutter. And so is this story for that matter.

And of course, Martin, who I am now renaming Blowup Doll since well, that’s all he is, let’s Spike have sex with his wife, because…

cause we are tight)

Ah, yes. We be tight in the hood yo. He be bitchin’ my bitch all night long diggity dog jog mog! I be pimpin’ yo homey dog!

Gangsta slang. It makes you sound more intelligent.

Openly I disdained him for the comment of cruel and unacceptable misdirection of hatred over his rival and stuck my tongue out for the pleasing of twilights nerves to be much eased. But spike and I high fived because we are buds and that was the truth. And it was funny.

This is to give you guys an idea of how unreadable this story is. I do not know what I just read, but I’m sure it had to do with sex. Why? Well, that’s because sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex , sex…

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Also guys my cutie mark is no longer a portle gun

Because I got bored with that idea because I sucked at Portal. And let’s face it, the United States government were idiots to hand me a portal gun.

because I have defeated the discord and saved Equestria with it. So it became the heads of the mane six since my goal is to make them feel sexy.

Considering the way artist draw some of these characters sometimes, I don’t think they need much help from you.

Also I still have one secret power that no ones knows left for special use within the later part of this.

Pfft, oh great. Way to give away the ending. Why don’t you put a spoiler alert on before you do that? Like I do.

You have not done that since Apple’s Blossom.

Oh, you are just so smart, aren’t you?

Someone has to be.

Walked into that one, didn’t I?

I owed you for the comment you made last week.

The owl was marked for terrestrial switching since the entry of our world was inside of us all and he understood the power of being awake with knowledge and it was misbegotten with fear of the people that surround us in our every day life of horror and boredom.

I really don’t understand what is being said there, so I can’t really make fun of it.

So, the character continues to have sex with the other characters, until Celestia brings in… Nightmare Moon?

And Celest brought Nightmare Moon.

Huh? So, I guess, Luna is dead in this Aquestria and Nightmare Moon lives. There really isn’t an explanation for this, it just sort of is. Nightmare Moon is the new Luna apparently. That actually explains a lot in this story. Isn’t it obvious? I mean, Aquestria should have tipped us off, but my god, I’ve actually figured it out!

In the beginning Aquestria was ruled by Luna and Celestia, but one day Luna became jealous of her sister. She transformed into the evil Nightmare Moon and battled Celestia. But then at the last second, the Grand Ruler attacked Nightmare Moon using the power of the Uniforce which cast her to the moon. Meanwhile, on the moon, Nightmare Moon traveled to Alicornia to use the Honest Warmachines to defeat the evil Sombra, turning her into a hero. She soon had sex with Soren the Alicorn and that made her a good guy. But then, Luna comes out of Nightmare Moon’s body and battles the heroic Nightmare Moon. The battle is eventually won when Sephiroth teams up with Nightmare Moon to defeat her! And then they travel back to Aquestria where they are to this day.

Makes sense, right?!

“My students fuck off. I must talk to Willis in the deepest of secret aloneness” she decreed with a massive voice of booming authority and a stamp of massive preportions that uncontrollably made us all be controlled to obey.

So… is Celestia now… Critique-lestia?

*shutters* Let that haunt your nightmares.

So, Blowup Doll starts to have sex with Celestia because…

Because Twilight is purple and that is a cooler color than white and even Lessy knew of such things as the hard truth of the matter despite our deep connection and forever love.

Ah, so he is racist. Purple ponies are ponies too!

“Nightmare Moon is having a bad day and she loves you since you saved the world and wants to be with you super quick if that is ok.”

This line makes me think that the characters in it are getting bored of him, since they want him to end it ‘super quick’. Wouldn’t surprise me? They’ve foregone food, sleep and work all to have sex with this one human.

For that matter, wouldn’t his gonads start hurting after a while? I realize I’m not the leading expert on humans, but it just seems like that would be the first thing that would be a problem?

For that matter, how is he still going? What? Did he take a truckload of Cialis before having this party?

I squeezed her plot and gave her the thumbs up sign with one hand while touching her pony boobs with the other.

I think the author needs a lesson in pony anatomy. Believe me, I’ve been looking for pony boobs most of my life, and have yet to find one.

“It will be as you shall want it martin and I hereby command you my student to go make love to Nightmare Moon.”

(Also I replaced Twilight as her favorite because we all agreed that that was better since I really was better than all the mane six combined.

Ha, ha, ha. No, you’re not, you prick.

I kissed Nightmare Moons butt and rubbed her other place and all six of her boobs. (she had six boobs because she is a pony nympho)

Huh? I guess Robin Williams was right. There was a woman with six boobs once.

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Rest in Peace, Robin. Thank you for years of entertainment and fun.

However, suddenly, the plot finally arrives. No, not that kind of plot. Lord knows, we’ve seen enough of those.

It turns out Owlowiscious, who is just called the owl in this story, so that’s what I’m calling him, burst into the room and turns out reveals a prophesy. Yes, apparently, the owl can talk.

“The owl is awake and he is superhigh and has a freaking spell book! We are royally screwed my students.”

Wow, maybe this is Critique-lestia. It would certainly explain her vulgar mouth. Though I’m not a huge fan of him… her… it, having sex with Blowup doll.

weeping and batting her wings and waving her hair while lifting her arms skyward with fear that twisted the joy from our loving and caused us to be deeply depressed with woa.

Sorry, we don’t serve depressed with woa, here. You might want to go the Woa-Mart down on Woa-Street next to the Woa-fful stand.

So, apparently the Owl, who I guess is voiced by Morgan Freeman, tells Blowup Doll that a great destiny is about to befall him.

And then… he wakes up?

… Huh?

So… what the hell just happened?

Was that entire opening a dream? Was everything a dream? In the story, he wakes up and is in bed with Twilight, but where the hell did the dream come from? Where did it start? I was pretty sure that it was all real. Was none of it real and it was just some perverted fantasy? We see that none of the things in the opening are fictional since they actually appear in the story, adding no consistency to what the hell is going on!

I don’t know. Screw this story.

“This is the worstest news that has ever happened”

The new Super Smash Brothers doesn’t have Mewtwo in it!

“Because I have just had an unbelievable dream featuring the voice of a famous dude who was on the earth back when I lived there and not in Equestria as your boyfriend.

Wait, so they aren’t married? So, was the part of you two being married the only thing that was fictionalized or was all of it fictionalized and Blowup Doll only wished that he could get everypony to sleep with him? Well, that can’t be the case because we clearly saw in the last story that everypony wanted to sleep with him.

Oh, the brain damage I’m going to have by reading this. And bear in mind, I’m still on the first chapter.

So, the owl… starts smoking weed and talking to the characters? … If the owl could talk, what was the point of even…

You know what, I don’t care.

We then get a five page rant about his ‘loser friend’ Jack Rentonn. Apparently, this Jack Rentonn beat him at a Portal tournament years ago and Blowup Doll has grown bitter about it. So, we are supposed to relate to the guy who is angry at someone because they beat them at a video game?

Blowup Doll says that Jack is a dick and a slut puppet, which would be the pot calling the kettle black, but frankly, we never see any evidence of Jack being any of those things. We never see flashbacks of him, we never see any kind of interaction with him and the main character. So in an effort to make us relate to the main character by adding this, … ‘bully’, he ends up alienating the main character even further by not only giving us weak reasons why this character hates Jack, but he doesn’t show us anything that could prove that Jack really is an asshole.

It’d be like just telling you that Darth Vader is a bad guy, but not showing anything he does that is bad. We need some kind of evidence.

And he only won because I am over PORTAL now and much more into the mane six. Who are not stupid like jack rentonn. Whose last name also sucks.

He caused the bubonic plague, World War II and nearly got rid of all Hostess products! Truly, Jack Rentonn is the devil!

So, I guess, a curse is put on all the characters as Twilight begins to lose all hope like she did in the episode with Discord, by… turning them all male?

… Sure, whatever.

As such, this is actually a problem for Blowup Doll, after all, who else is he going to masturbate to?

So, what’s the most logical thing to do in this situation?

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After that, they go to Granny Smith to find out how they can reverse the curse. Look, just because she’s old, doesn’t mean she knows about curses and magic and such?! Isn’t that right, Granny?

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So, Granny doesn’t have any information, making me wonder what the point of that scene was, and they go to the Crystal Empire to see if Shining Armor and Cadance know anything.

Suddenly noticing the mane six on my cute mark I eyed myself unsatisfied because I couldn’t come before because my issues get hard. And with tears that brought down my face with exrushiating sadness that filled me with discord like despair. I started to molest myself with pitable exstacy and exacting grunts of bliss.

Oh, good, I finally know where the inspiration for this story came from. Thanks for reenacting that for me. I really wanted to know that ‘essential detail’!

Spike, fortunately for us, starts berating Blowup Doll for acting like this. Alright, Spike tell that asshole off…

“because you are leaving me to love all the ponies while you screw yourself. And while I enjoy screwing the princesses and sleeping granny cause she asked and making them pleased with my tongue I am only a fing dragon and I don’t have a massive horse weenie like you.”

Hey, Stitch, can I join you?

Oh, great, this story has broken Stitch. I hope you’re happy, story. I hope you’re happy!

So, Blowup Doll tosses Spike into a tree, breaks his bones into a million pieces and effectively kills him.

Oh, thank god. Now, Spike can go back to being in better stories.

“Dude what the heck!” He scratched his head sorely peeved and upset and full of deep dislike of the most equal kind. (because there is no hate in Equestria)

Yeah, because killing someone because they insulted you really speaks volumes about compassion, doesn’t it? Makes about as much sense as calling somepony a loving dictator, who enslaves his ponies?

Isn’t that the most loving, compassionate, non-threating in anyway dictator you’ve ever seen in your life?

Spike, quite easily, forgives Blowup Doll because…

"Because we are deep bros and that is more than meets the eye."

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So, they decide to go see Zecora to see if she can help them figure out what is going on. Wait, what happened to Cadance and Shining Armor? Did you decide that real love didn’t have a place in this story? Instead, we have to settle for ‘diet love’?

So, he rides on the back of Celestia… No. Only one gets to ride on Princess Celestia’s back and that is Princess Elincia Ridell Crimea!

Somepony do a crossover of this! This needs to happen!

Anyway, they fly to where Cadance the Wise lives. No, I’m not making that up. It’s really how it is written in the story. I think this is the first story I’ve read where Cadance gets a compliment. Point to this story.

Also, what about Zecora?! Where the hell are we going?! I swear, I’ve seen Spongebob’s driving skills that had a clearer path!

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As they travel, Blowup Doll starts to think back about his life on Earth.

i remembered what it was like in the past as a game player of Portal (i know you said no portles but the game is the past of him and it must be slightly here to give him flavors.)

… Bleh… Rocky Road…

i was the champion of every torunement ever made for the game and because ethe epic of the skill that possessed my hands with fire of mad skill.

You know, except that time you lost to Jack, because he’s the devil!

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Also, didn’t you say you were over Portal? You just said you were over Portal!

… I don’t know why I am expecting an intelligent response here. There hasn’t been any intelligence thus far.

Scientists studied the way that i was genious.

The scientists were kind of stupid that way.

They gave me the gun and whispered with long feathered fingers angling deep into my back.

… Okay, moving on…

So, it turns out that the Scientist actually created a Portal gun personally for him and then convinced him that he was destined to save the another world and then shipped him off to Aquestria.

I know this was probably not what the author intended, but who else was thinking that humanity started doing this when Prince Blowup Doll was gone?

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So, they get lost to on their way to the Crystal Empire, which makes no sense because Celestia should already know where it is. But lucky our hero, Blowup Doll, is here to comfort her. And how does he comfort her? …Oh, just play the music already. You know what comes next…

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So, after the about a millionth sex scene in this story, leaving me surprised that Blowup Doll’s dick hasn’t fallen off, they finally get to Zecora’s hut.

Zecora’s cave was the best most evil looking good guy cave with mountianish eyes that stole the bowls of seals and perpetuated nightmares in the fears of the best of corrosive vats made to destroy the ugliness of creatures.

Translation: I have no idea what African Culture is and have no intention of learning about them making this section of my story completely racist.

“effing this is my cave and you can see that sh’t is everywhere that hat can be.” she was totally depressed so I squeezed her but cheeks together and licked her stripe.

Oh, good more evidence of racism. I’m so glad this author is turning this character into an African-American stereotype.

“This is a pet for you and enjoy it you.” She rhymed like an expert

Because an expert would rhyme ‘you’ and… ‘you’…

Okay, I’d never thought I’d say this, but…

I REALLY never thought I would say this…

But…


Bring back, Rhymey…

God, I hate you… Give Mykan some fucking credit, at least all of Rhymey’s dialogue, annoying as it was, at least rhymed. Yes, I just gave Rhymey, the most annoying and most rage inducing character in My Little Unicorn, fucking credit…

I need a moment…

After that…

Zecora handed me a dugong and it meeped. “His name is Louie the dugong and he is awesome and long.”

No, but it would make this story a little bit cooler. And it would at least give a reason to have a Pokemon battle since the dugong in this story is pretty damn pointless.

So, Blowup Doll thanks Zecora by…

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God, I've seen entire seasons of Game of Thrones that didn't have as much fucking as this story!

Spike bursts into the room and starts whining about how he’s not as big as Blowup Doll is and wants to be bigger.

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I know, I know, but how could I not use that clip?

So, he drinks a potion that Zecora just happens to have and manages to get bigger than Blowup Doll. Which means that Blowup Doll has to whine about not being the biggest game in town anymore. I think we are supposed to feel bad for Blowup Doll, but at this point, I’m still wondering why he is still doing Zecora at this point?

Anyway, the finally get directions from Zecora to travel northward to the Crystal Empire…

Last chapter… let’s just get through this…

So, we finally arrive at the castle of Cadance the Wise.

Using alicorn magics Lessy commanded the door to unfurl like a sail when shot against the breeze of a sea turtles heart beat amid torrents of screaming and defiant bloodbaths of gushing horrors.

Wow… that was probably the most over descriptive and yet not descriptive at all opening of doors I have ever seen. That’s really kind of fascinating how that happened. I’m not even sure what to say about it except… the hell?

So when they enter the room, they see… Cadance has Shining Armor tied up and is whipping him while wearing an executioner’s mask?

…

…

…

…

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So… after that image… they ask Cadance how they can reverse the main six being males. Cadance reveals that all they have to do is say a magic word and they will revert back to women.

Pfft, of course. It was just so obvious…

However, it turns out there is a catch, if Blowup Doll doesn’t say the magic words to them by tonight, they will remain male forever!

Knowing that it took them a whole month to the Crystal Empire, which makes no sense, they know they will not be able to save Aquestria’s main six. Gee, I hope this is the part where the author comes up with the miraculous power that he’s been saving since chapter one! Because if not, that line would be awkward and totally pointless, but if it is … oh, boy!

And he manages to pull something out of his ass… quite literally actually… as the main six appear from his cutie mark.

…

…

…

…

I’m sorry… I need a moment…

So, he says the magic words and turns the main six back to females and they all live happily ever… SHUT THE FUCK UP!

THIS STORY?! I MEAN, MY GOD! MY FUCKING GOD! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU ABSOULTELY SERIOUS?! THIS… IS… SHIT!

This story is a masterpiece of absolute shit! I mean, my god. What sick, twisted, perverted mind possibly thought this could even amount to anything?

I’ve never seen anything so consistently bad or writing this consistently awful.

But, to be honest, and you all are going to think I’m crazy, but … it’s actually worth checking out.

Troll fic or not, this is the My Little Pony Fan Fiction equivalent of My Immortal. One of those fan fics that is so bad, that it is actually kind of enjoyable.

This is the kind of story that has to be seen to be believed. There is no way anypony in the right mind set could have come up with this story. It had to be the work of a deranged mind.

So, if you are looking for some bat-shit crazy fan fic that every sentence is a gold mine of horribleness, this is the fan fic for you.

Huff… Finally, I’m done with Sequel September and Prince Willis. I will never ever have to…

Book two of the trilogy.

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Book two of the trilogy.

trilogy.

trilogy

***

Silver sat on his soft bed, thoughts of his ultimate enemy’s demise filling his fantasies. Ever since the Critique’s review of his life story, Silver couldn’t stop thinking about this simple earth stallion who would insult him. He looked over to the alicorn sitting at the desk across from him. “Where was I?”

The old stallion glanced over to him. “You have just captured the Critique and now you have him at your mercy, my young prince.”

Silver smiled as those words reached his ears. “Ah, yes. The moment of my revenge.” He then gave a sigh as he put his hoof on his forehead. “Ah, but now I have no idea where to go next. So many options.”

A knock came at the great golden doors to his room. “My son.” The door to reveal King Crown as he trotted into the room. “The meeting is about to start, my son. Why are you not ready?”

Silver shook his head. “My apologies, father, but I am busy writing my auto-biography.” King Crown raised his eyebrow. “Father, how would I kill the Critique? Would I dangle him over a vat of acid? Tie him to a railroad tracks? Or strap him to a rocket and shoot him to the sun?”

King Crown shook his head and made his way to Silver’s side. “I do not understand what is your obsession with this one anti-alicorn.

Silver shot a glare at his father. “That pony insulted me! Nopony insults me!” Silver raised his head and placed his hoof on his chest. “I am a messiah!

King Crown placed his hoof on his son’s shoulder. “Yes, yes. I understand, my son. But why settle for just one minnow, when you could have the entire ocean?”

Silver shook his head. “I do not understand, father.”

King Crown marched over to the nearby window, his head held high. “We are so close to the subjugation of Equestria. It is only a matter of time before our window of opportunity presents itself.” He glanced back at Silver. “Of course, you would know this if you attended the meetings.”

Silver turned his head away from King Crown and scoffed. Crown made his way back to his son. “And when Equestria is under our banner, I will gave you the anti-alicorn to do with as you please.”

A moment of silence crept in the air as Silver placed his hoof on his chin. “I think I’ll shoot him to the sun.”

King Crown chuckled. “That’s my boy.” He moved towards the exit. “Now come. We have a meeting to attend.”

Silver began to follow his father, but before he could make the doorway, he turned towards the old stallion standing over the parchment. “Keep writing. And make sure that everypony realizes how magnificent I am! Even the Critique!”

The old stallion nodded. “As always, my young, handsome prince.”

Silver smiled as he followed his father out the door.

Nightmare Month: Dashies Revenge

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Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique. And this is my fake Transylvanian accent, which none of you can hear from a computer screen with just text on it…

Regardless, I welcome you all to Nightmare Month!

Yes, Nightmare Month. The month where we celebrate our esteemed Princess of the Night. A time of year where fear is the norm, pranks come in all shapes and sizes, the night reigns supreme for an entire month.

And what better way to celebrate this horrifying time of the year than with the most horrifying fan fictions I could find. In more ways than one I would imagine.

I celebrate the darkest and most macabre of fan fictions as they attempt to be edgy and new, when really it’s the same thing we’ve seen over and over without any real effort put into it.

So, as you could imagine, it becomes quite unbearable to sit through what are the worst ‘horror’ stories in the world. With that said, let’s just jump into our story. Today I will be looking at Dashie’s Revenge by Mr Gusta

Before we begin our story, the description must be addressed.

As dash was getting ready for a daily nap she was interrupted, some pony wanted to race her.

Should she have let her reputation down for once and napped? If she had known the outcome, she would have happily slept instead of raced of only she could see the future.

Normally, I don’t address these, but I felt that I should for this particular story. This story had the potential for a great set up for introducing readers to an intriguing idea.

Of course, it’s brought to a halt when you look at the poor grammar for this. It’s not even part of the story and already I have to force myself to read it. That’s not a good start for your story.

We begin are story proper with this...

It started off as a normal day for Rainbow Dash,

And now I’m done reading.

That is what your audience just said. That opening line was horrible! While it is spelled correctly and it does practice basic grammar, it does not make me want to read the story! I don’t want to read about Rainbow Dash’s normal day or how it started! I want to read about why Rainbow Dash would want revenge or why I should be reading this story instead of another.

The first line in a story is probably the most important part of it. It gets the reader invested in what you are selling. It makes them want to read more and makes them continue reading. This story has the same boring opening that most bad stories have and it makes it a drag to read through!

Now a good opening, like Brandon Sanderson’s Rithmatist (good book by the way) starts off strong. The first sentence in the book immediately draws you in with some action and suspense. You don’t know the details of what is going on right away, but it attracts your interests and makes you want to read more.

Okay, back to this story, Rainbow Dash decides to take a nap on a nearby cloud when suddenly a Pegasus appears before her.

“Hey Rainbow Dash, remember me?” the Pegasus asked.

:rainbowdetermined2: Sure do! You owe me money, damn you!

Actually, Rainbow Dash doesn’t remember her, but tries to hide that fact.

“Uh, sure I do, you where a good flyer” Dash tried to avoid answering because she doesn’t remember the Pegasus in front of her.

:rainbowderp: I don’t seem to remember where you flew, but I’m sure it wasn’t where you were supposed to.

Or we could go the other way the word is pronounced and it would look something like this…

:rainbowderp: What kind of monster would wear Derpy’s skin for a coat?!

What? It’s Nightmare Month; I can use all the creepy imagery I want.

“I remember back in Clouds Dale, we had to race each other, you won by allot”

Wow, no wonder this Pegasus is pissed off at Rainbow Dash, she’d been assigned to win, rather than win through skill.

“Oh yeh, I remember you” Dash said this is the most convincing tone she could.

It’s really sad when the author has to tell you what the character is feeling, rather than having the characters themselves show us how they are feeling.

Translation: SHOW, DON’T TELL!

So, the Pegasus asks Rainbow Dash for a rematch and Rainbow Dash agrees.

“You think you can win a race against Ponyvile’s fastest and best pony? Not counting you lost to me all the time” Rainbow Dash exclaimed these points with pride. She forgot she had no idea who this blue coloured Pegasus with a green mane was.

How could she remembered her beating her all the time, when she has no idea who the hell she is? Even the story admits that she couldn’t remember and yet she claims she does remember?! Does she just have selective memoires?!

So, the race is established and the Pegasus burst off, leaving Rainbow Dash for a moment, giving her an unfair head start.

However, Rainbow Dash quickly catches up with the Pegasus, making me wonder what in the world would make this Pegasus think she could out fly Rainbow Dash.

The blue pony was so upset, and left to think to think of how else he could win, he didn’t notice one key factor. As Dash was turning the corner she caught a glimpse of a blue and green blur, heading towards her.

Wait, what?

By the time the blue pony realised he was heading off course, it was too late. With a loud thud, the blue Pegasus hovered in one spot, trying to think what happened.

What?!

He started to fly down, watching Rainbow Dash’s unconscious body falling, trying to catch up to her and save her.

What the hell is going on?! I have no sense of what is going on and way of telling! Are they in the middle of the race?! The most that I can gather is Rainbow Dash runs into something! What does she almost run into?! How does it knock her unconscious?! What hit her?! I’m guessing it’s another Pegasus, but you’ve established a blue Pegasus! Are you saying that the Pegasus from the race ran into her?! How does that make sense?! He was way behind Rainbow Dash! Did Rainbow Dash just stop at a fly thru restaurant or something?!

Rainbow Dash wakes up and discovers her friends crying over her. She asks what the heck is going on, but it turns out that her physical body is lying on the ground and that her spirit is out of her body. She tries to speak to the others, but they can’t hear her.

Oh, great, it’s Pinkie Pie’s suicide all over again. As if I don’t get enough of these stories.

Rainbow Dash’s friends attend Rainbow’s funeral and Rainbow Dash has just suddenly come to terms with the face that she is a ghost.

… Yeah, I bet you were expecting something to do with her journey into accepting her death. For her to suffer through the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. … No, they just go from Denial to Acceptance without any kind of journey through the other stages.

That would be like my grandfather dying and just accepting it as soon as it happens.

Critique’s Father: Grandfather died.

Critique: That’s not possible.

Critique’s Father: Nope, he’s gone.

Critique: Okay. That’s fine. I accept it.

USE YOUR BRAIN! THAT’S WHY IT’S THERE!

At the funeral, Rainbow Dash’s friends say a few words that cause Rainbow Dash to cry. What are those words that were spoken in Rainbow Dash’s honor? Well, allow me to share these heartfelt moments with you. Warning this part of the review contains highly emotional material. Prepare your feels.

:ajbemused: That asshole thought she was better than me and stole cider behind my back! I’m glad she’s gone!

:flutterrage: She lied to me about Angel committing suicide! I will never forgive her! May she rot in hell!

:pinkiecrazy: Life’s a party! Rainbow Dash’s party has just been... canceled!

Sniff… beautiful words… Beautiful…

So after the funeral, Rainbow Dash decides to try and talk to Fluttershy, even though she can’t be heard or seen.

However, it turns out that Rainbow Dash can interact with objects… Okay, are you just making up rules now? This is worse than Ghost Dad.

She tries to get Fluttershy’s attention, but nothing comes of it.

A few weeks pass and you’d think Rainbow Dash would be able to go to pony heaven or something like that, but no, she just wandering around as a ghost. I’m surprised she hasn’t gone crazy yet.

Rainbow Dash goes back to her gravestone and sees the words…

“long live the Sonic Rain boom”.

Rainbow Dash is pissed off that the Sonic Rainboom is all she will be remembered for.

Uh, Rainbow Dash, most ponies won’t be remembered past their family that actually knew them. Granted, you are the element of Loyalty and probably should be remembered for your heroics in Ponyville, but I’m just saying that being remembered because of the one thing that you were able to do, that nopony else could, might not be such a bad way to go.

Or is this just your arrogance, you prick?!

Rainbow Dash decides that if she can’t be happy with her life than she will torture the pony who she blames for killing her.

Okay, I was wrong. Rainbow Dash is clearly crazy. And what happened to the acceptance part of your death?! I thought you had accepted death! Now, we are in the anger stages of death?!

Elisabeth Kubler Ross doesn’t know shit!

Also, this chapter is pretty much a lie. It says it’s about coming to terms with her death, but then it does a complete 180 and she is pissed off about her being dead! That’s a good way to lie to your audience!

Look, there is misdirection and then there is downright lying!

So, Rainbow Dash decides to find the pony responsible and flies off. Rainbow Dash flies off to a prison, but has little success finding him. However, she does decide that she needs some practice before killing her real target.

She manages to steal a knife and starts cutting open one of the inmates. So, did Rainbow Dash just become Rorschach from Watchmen? Because that would be freaking awesome!

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'SAVE US!'...and I'll whisper 'Buck you.”

Anyway, after killing the guy, Rainbow Dash heads out and decides that she needs more practices if she is to properly kill the pony who killed her.

So, Rainbow Dash finds a random pony on the street and decides to murder him. … No seriously. That’s how she decides to pick her next target.

“This pony will regret walking around” she said happily.

Okay, this makes it sound like Rainbow Dash is vengeful against this random pony wandering the street! There is no reason for it! There is no logical explanation to why she is attacking random citizens! At least in a prison, I could sort of understand, she wants to get rid of bad ponies since she’s a good guy! It’s still out of character, but it’s nowhere near as out of character as this! This makes no sense since we don’t have a logical explanation to why Rainbow Dash would act like this!

The stallion makes his way to Rainbow Dash’s grave and says that nopony will be able to experience the weather with Rainbow Dash’s death.

Because Rainbow Dash is the only pony in all of Equestria who knew how the weather worked…

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Actually, that is her reaction to this whole story.

So, Rainbow Dash attacks him and finds out that…

“I’m inside him” Dash hesitated in disbelief to say these words as she slowly came to realisation, she was now in the Pegasus body.

Oh, god! It’s Prince Martin all over again! I can’t go back to that so soon!

Actually, Rainbow Dash discovers that she has the power to possess others and possess the stallion. Again, making up rules as we go.

So, Rainbow Dash decides to ruin this pony’s life by…

Dash thought as she reared up to Twilights door. Hind legs folding up, ready for the loudest and biggest kick she had ever done. With no second thoughts, Dash released her enormous kick, after the initial bang, Dash could hear Twilight scream as Dash happily skipped away.

“I Will Find You And Make You Pay For This” Twilight yelled as Dash was leaving, without a care in the world.

Doing the equivalent of ringing some pony’s door bell and running away!

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After that, we get Rainbow Dash who appears in the home of her target. As she gets out of the body she is in, she attacks the stallion.

She stabs him in the back and then starts to violently tear his wings off. She then throws him out of the sky and he plummets to his death.

Maybe Rainbow Dash was trying to get payback for Cupcakes.

And then we get this bit of insanity…

Until everything went white, than a new world appeared, a world where she belonged.

That’s right, if you commit murder after somepony unintentionally wrongs you, it’s okay. God is on your side. You are doing the right thing! It is totally justifiable!

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And so is this story!

It’s lazily thrown together. It’s boring as hell. It makes no sense and it tries to capture the ‘Cupcake Formula’ and doesn’t do it very well at all.

I think you are supposed to feel sorry for Rainbow Dash in the end, but what the hell logical conclusion does the story give us that makes us feel that way?! Rainbow Dash has no reason for revenge because nothing was done to wrong her!

And even if you go the route of ‘she’s crazy’, you are justifying her being crazy! Like what she is doing is completely okay! When it isn’t! If you are going to make us relate to a psychopath, actually make us relate to her!

The choices in this story are so bad that its almost kind of fascinating!

Bottom line, a terrible story with nothing shocking, scary or new that we haven’t seen a thousand times before and frankly it wasn’t even great to begin with! It’s just a mess! A clunky, boring mess!

And I’m glad to be done with it. But stay right where you are, because Nightmare Month has only just begun!

Nightmare Month: The Lottery

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Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique. And welcome to another night of Nightmare Month.

Let’s talk about vore for a second.

Shut up! It’s Nightmare Month I can talk about whatever scary things I want!

For those of you who don’t know, vore is a sexual fantasy in which somepony is aroused by somepony being consumed. You know those pics you see all over Deviantart where somepony has eaten somepony else whole and yet there is no digestion and it is physically impossible to do!

Yeah, that shit! That shit that has become inexplicably popular for some reason!

However, some vore can be extremely graphic… Like today’s story.

Yeah, since this story we are going to review today is considered “Hard Vore”, you can tell I’m not looking forward to this at all. In fact, I’d down right say that I’m really not going to enjoy this story. But if some of you want to back out now, I will not blame you.

While I’m not opposed to it being a part of horror story, I do have to scratch my head at why or how ponies get off on this. Is it really appealing to have someone eating you? Are zombies considered the ultimate porn? I don’t know and frankly, I really don’t want to know.

So, let the torture begin. This is the review of  The Lottery by Charming Melody

Much thanks to my editor DeadShot262

Oh, good. So I can expect this story to be well edited, well written, with the right spelling and grammar, as well as everything making sense, punctuation where it needs to be, with capitalization on…

Every year in equestrian there is a lottery to deal with the increasing number of mares. This was the annual Ponyville lottery and all are over 13 were required to be present. If you were pregnant with a stallion though, you would be allowed to raise it. The mane six, were headed to city hall, where the numbers would be called.

Or it could be the same poorly written crap that it always is.

As explained in the paragraph you just read, apparently there is some kind of lottery that goes on where mares are brought from all over Ponyville, where they will be chosen for something.

What they didn’t realize was they were being set up on a blind date with a human. The worst kind of date imaginable.

It then goes through the ‘mane’ six, noting each of their reactions. Except it does a lot more telling than actually showing… A lot more…

They were all reacting in their own way. Rarity was wondering if they would make sure she looked beautiful, Pinkie was wondering if she would be served with a sweet sauce, Fluttershy was scared, but knew running away would do nothing for her, and Rainbow dash, could only think of herself, and how awesome she would taste, and Applejack realized that if she were picked, she wouldn’t try to get out of it, as for all she knew the next number could be her sister, or one of her friends.

Okay, there is so much stupid here I have to address them all separately.

First, Rarity. That’s pretty shallow to want them to make her beautiful when they bake her into a pie. Oh, did you miss that? Yeah, the story doesn’t tell you, but every time one of these lottery things are done, they are baked into a whatever. I suppose this is how these ponies get their protein, even though there are several dozen ways of getting protein without resorting to meat.

Yeah, the audience is left wondering what the hell is going on. I know it’s in the description, but I purposely left it out to show you this. If an important plot element is in the story’s description, fine. But it shouldn’t be where the plot point is stated as far as the story. It shouldn’t be the only place we hear it. It needs to be introduced in the story as well!

Second, Pinkie Pie. She’s hoping to be served with a sweet sauce. Yeah, she’s pretty much just accepts it. Hell, all the main six pretty much accept it. Like it’s just a way of life for them. At least the Hunger Games have a reason why the people don’t just revolt.

Third, Fluttershy. So, Celestia is completely okay with the main six being sacrificed to feed ponies their protein? Even though all six of them are needed to use the Elements of Harmony? Okay, yeah, the Tree of Harmony takes the elements back, but they are still the heroes of Harmony, aren’t they? Shouldn’t they get like a free pass or something? Or what if the elements are needed down the road?!

Fourth, Rainbow Dash. She is worried about how awesome she’d taste… Ugh… Cupcake reference…

Fifth, Applejack. Why the hell isn’t Twilight doing anything? Does she just not care about her friends anymore? Did they piss her off or something? Maybe it did have something to do with how they forced her back to Ponyville during the Tree of Harmony stuff.

Okay, I better move on!

The mayor came out to give a speech.

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More or less…

Then Twilight says a few words.

I know how it feels, that scared felling, and the paranoia that you are going to be picked. When I was old enough that I was finally up for the lottery, I could see the pain in my brothers eyes, as he knew I had to potential to be no longer a mare, and just meat. Take it from me, that if you accept your potential fate, you can live each day to its fullest, and leave Ponyville with no regrets.”

Okay, I know this speech is supposed to be heartwarming and comforting, but … all I hear is…

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Also, those are pretty brave words coming from a pony who is immune to this “reaping”. Yeah, Twilight Sparkle, because she is a princess is immune to the lottery. Geez, if that’s the case, no wonder people keep making OC alicorns.

They soon start calling numbers to let the mares know who will be sacrificed. Now this would have been interesting to see the process and see some of the characters that the main six had gotten to know get dragged off and see how they reacted. But, of course, that would be what a good story would do and not this piece of crap that is in front of us.

After calling out several number, they then call out the numbers corresponding with ponies of the main six, Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

Have fun tasting awesome, Rainbow Dash!

The line starts behind the library and goes around the block… Twice.

And now we get the emotional part of the story. Well, of course, if you have read these reviews before, you know I’m a sarcastic piece of shit.

They hugged each other tightly as a group, knowing that this would be the last time any of them saw those two alive. Applejack and Rainbow dash walked hoof in hoof to the holding area, hoping at least that they would be together until the end, as that would make it a lot more bearable.

Yeah, these friends who just found out that they are going to be sacrificed to become everypony else’s protein intake are pretty fucking calm about it. There’s no panicking going through their brains, no shock, no journey through the stages of grief.

It’s just…

“You’re our sacrifices!”

:applejackunsure: Meh, whatever…

:rainbowdetermined2: Oh, yeah! Let’s do this, yo!

“You will be cut into tiny pieces stuffed into a pie and feed to your families!”

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“You two are taking this … really unrealistically well.”

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So, the rest of the main six take it unreasonably well, seeing how their friends are going to basically die and they are going to be forced to devour them. Do you think Twilight learns a lesson about all this in the end?

:twilightsmile: Dear Princess Celestia,

I learned that it is important to keep plenty of protein in your diet. Protein helps your body grow, particularly muscular growth. Meat, beans, seeds, eggs and fish are all excellent sources of protein. Which is why we’ve decided, rather than actually hunting fish or growing beans, we would cut up random ponies in a Slaughterhouse and eat them instead. That was the only logical way we could solve this. I’m doing great as a new Princess, aren’t I?

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Twilight went last. “If I could, I would make sure that your end would be more painless then what a lot of ponies do to you."

Wait, there’s going to be pain?! Nopony said anything about pain! Aren’t they just going to inject us and kill us that way?! That way we won’t have to feel anything?! Oh, god! What are they going to do to us?! And why are you just standing there letting them do whatever the fuck they want to us?! What kind of friend are you?! Princess of friendship my fucking ass!

So, they lower Rainbow Dash and Applejack down to the pits where they send everypony who had been chosen. They use some kind of gas to knock out the two and they wake up in the said Slaughterhouse I was talking about.

When you entered, it was already decided whether you were to be a live roast or not.

If you weren’t a live roast, you would be prepared for hanging in a grocery store, whole as it looks more appealing to customers.

Pleasant imagery there… I’m sure that this will in no way distinguish your sexual preferences in anyway…

So it goes on like this explaining the process of which these ponies are executed and prepared for meat and honestly, it sounds more like an instructional video of how they make chicken nuggets than it being actually frightening.

With that I’ve come to the conclusion that we are supposed to find this sexy. Yeah, the brutal murder of mares is supposed to be appealing.

Fetish Fan Fic!

So, Applejack and Rainbow Dash request to be stuffed and made live roast. Ah, just in time, Thanksgiving is in a month.

Okay, I totally deserve those…

Anyway, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are left in a cage to wait the day of their execution. Meanwhile, they decide to make the most of it by… well, they don’t have sex yet, but five bits says they do by the end.

And then… two stallions come in and stroke them?!

… Okay, no jokes here. No funny business. Just down to earth seriousness.

This is rape. Bottom line, these two stallions come in and rape Applejack and Rainbow Dash. I will not get into a discussion about why writing about such things is a really, REALLY bad idea, as I am not smart enough to talk about them. Instead, I will refer you to someone who does know what they are talking about.

And I quote fromGirl-Wonder.Org

Take a good look at your story. Why do you think a rape is what you need for it to progress? Is there something else that could fill the same function? Unless you have a damn good reason to include rape in a story, you probably shouldn’t. Using sexual assault as a motivation-in-a-box or an equivalent trope will do nothing but steal credibility and respect from a really serious, really important subject. Plus, you’ll look like a twit.

And that is what our author is, a twit! I don’t normally like attacking authors for their work, but we already have “hard vore” in this story! Why does this story have to include rape in this?!

Furthermore, it serves absolutely no purpose to the overall story! It’s just there because the author doesn’t give a rat’s ass about rape or the victims!

Okay, rant over, but only due to not wanting to get into something I’m unqualified to talk about.

After a few days of waiting, which would be just torturous at this point, I’d be begging them to just give me the gas already, Applejack and Rainbow Dash decide that it’s time to let their emotions go. And the two proceed to have sex with each other.

The story talks about how they have sexual repressed urges and frankly, I don’t give a crap because clearly this was done to get all of the author’s sexual perverted fantasies out of the way. God, a few more scenes like this and this could almost be as bad as WonderFall!

And the sex goes on… and on… and on… and on… For 2000 words of the fucking story! And this story isn’t even 7000 words long! Almost a third of this story is dedicated to them having sex! Look, if there was actual character progression and plot driven elements in this story, fine! But aren’t they supposed to be roast beef by now?!

After doing an entire chapter of fucking, we see that 24 DAYS PASS! Are you fucking kidding me?! You kept them locked in a cage for 24 fucking days?! Jesus, this isn’t just torture! This is fucking sadistic! Do all ponies have to wait almost a freaking month for their execution?! Wouldn’t that time be better spent with their families or fattening them up rather than locking them in a cage?!

But of course, I would not consider anything of intelligence from this author…

Okay, I’m done insulting the author. I swear.

So they discuss who might get to eat them, but they find out that Twilight arranged for her to get their remains.

Oh, good, because anyone can tell you that eating your own loved ones is a healthy psychological plan. It’s that right, Scott Tenorman?

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Freaky as fuck episode…

So, they put the girls to sleep and take them to where they will be made into the next meal. They wake up and are approached by the main six where Twilight explains that like a “True, True Friend” she is going to make sure they are treated properly as they are cut up to feed the hungry.

Rarity then says this …

“Well don’t you two look very glum. Come on, cheer up.

Everypony in this story is an idiot. May they all burn in hell!

However, Rarity tells Rainbow Dash that she has asked Spitfire to come to the last moment of Rainbow Dah’s life.

She basically thanks Spitfire for making her an honorary Wonderbolt. Gee, I’m sure glad that was brought closure fast. That what was bugging me this entire time. Will Rainbow Dash ever get to be a Wonderbolt before she is cut up in an extremely violent way, that is being drawn out for no fucking reason?!

Note that the only reason I want them to be cut up is so I don’t have to read this story anymore!

They start to have a farewell party, but the author doesn’t care about any of that, so let’s just skip the fuck out of it.

As the party was coming to an end, the other four rushed Apple and Dash, and hugged them tight. All of them were crying a bit.

Ah, the emotions one goes through with seeing a loved one die is the same as learning that you didn’t win that car you only had one in a million chance of winning. Mild inconvenience at best.

So, the next day Big MacIntosh gets to shave them and good god, this story is still going! I’ve read novels that weren’t as long as this!

He left the mane and tail, as that seemed the right thing to do.

Because we leave the hair on cows and all the feathers on chickens when we cut them up for our dinner. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Asshat!

So, the story then starts to describe the process to which they are dipped in gravy and other such nonsense. Yes, author, it is clear you care more about pleasuring your own dick rather than telling a good story! You don’t need to remind us!

Don’t believe me; take a look at this line!

There were some muffled screams coming from both of them, as the heat started to cook them. All this did though, was make them horribly horny as the noise bounced off their marehood walls.

And any messily ounce of respect any pony had for you is now burning in the heart of the sun!

So, yeah, the two proceed to have sex as they are burned alive. … Cute…

They all cry at the loss of their friends. Yeah, story, don’t try to pretend you care. You’re not fooling anypony.

So they all sit down and have their Thanksgiving dinner to which they are thankful for their process working so well to keep order in Equestria. It’s about as effective as the fucking Purge.

This story is shit! It’s an icky, nasty, foul story that has no place on this website! I can’t even conceive why somepony would write a story like this! I can’t believe that the rape of Applejack and Rainbow Dash, the ‘vore’ or the sexual elements, which take away from the story rather than heighten it would make his editor nod and praise his work!

The vore element itself is just stupid since there is no logic behind it! They say it is population control, but it only involves mares! Why not stallions?! Also, the story mentions that if you have children, you are allowed to raise them! So population control can’t be it!

Is it lack of protein?! I have mentioned dozens of times that you can use other foods besides meat to get a proper diet of protein! Oats and beans are perfect examples!  So that can’t be it!

No, the reason why this story only involves mares is because the author wants to torture women. This is exactly what this story was intended to do, make women powerless, by taking two of the strongest women in the My Little Pony universe and taking away their strength. That is the reason why this story exists. To fuel this author’s sexual bigotry.

I feel downright dirty for reading it. Not since WonderFall, have I felt so ashamed to bring attention to a story. But hopefully somepony smart who read this review, will think twice about what I said before writing something similar!

Have a good day guys.

Nightmare Month: Mcedge in Equestria

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Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique and welcome to another night in Nightmare Month.

As we know, Humans in Equestria stories 90% of the time suck. And as we will see in today’s story, that doesn’t change much. Big surprise, right?

However, as with all Human in Equestria stories, I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps this will be the story that actually breaks the mold and changes the way I perceive humans as a whole and-

*one reading later*

Holy shit, was that stupid!

It’s a horrid little piece of shit that tries to be edgy and new and just makes the author look like he has no sense of direction or storytelling! It’s not original, it’s not good, it’s not entertaining and it’s total need of a critique! And I’m just the pony stupid enough to do it!

Let’s review Mcedge in Equestria by Mcedge

We start with our description, which looks like this…

A human goes to Equestria. But he's not just an ordinary human. He's enlightened and tough, and he's going to shake Equestria up a bit.

So, by not being an ordinary human, he’s pretty much like every other human that goes to Equestria. God, I would kill for a human in Equestria story, where the human is not special in anyway shape or form nor does he ever become special. He’s just normal and nopony cares!

Also, as we will see in this story, the main character proves to be none of these things. Lying to your audience already story. Not a good start.

Our story starts proper with our main character, who I guess is named Anon. Seriously, why did he bother naming this story Mcedge if the main character is Anon? Did Anon just sound more badass?! If you wanted to go for that, why didn’t you just name him Badass McAwesomeshit or Cypher Raige?!

Oh, wait, Cypher Raige is already taken. Never mind.

Anyway, our story starts with Anon bringing chocolate to Rainbow Dash. And Rainbow Dash has what I admit to being a natural reaction to this situation.

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Rainbow Dash says that Anon should stop bringing her gifts and that she doesn’t like him in that way. Anon tries convince her otherwise, but Rainbow Dash isn’t having any of it.

Rainbow Dash tells Anon that they can still be friends, but she won’t love him. Anon trots away and starts to feel sorry for himself.

"Look Anon, don't tell anyone I said this, but you're a really sweet guy and i'm really sorry that it has to be this way don't beat yourself up too much. I'm sure... you'll find some pony who feels that way about you"

Ya... whatever. Anon returns to his home. Alone. cold. broken.

I love a happy ending. Well, that’s it for this week’s review. See you guys next week.

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Sir, there is still more the story.

... Could I just pretend that there isn't? Just this once...

You have already started the review. I highly suggest finishing it.

Fine...

So Anon goes home and starts to whine about “Life is pain! She doesn’t love me! Waa Waa Waa!”

Oh, give me a fucking break!

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME, I MADE MY MISTAKES, GOT NOWHERE TO RUN, AS I'M FADING AWAY. I'M SICK OF THIS LIFE. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. "

Hey, only I am allowed to pointlessly cut to music to emphasize a scene! Besides, you’re missing part of the lyrics!

Twilight comes over to Anon’s house and asks if she can talk to him.

"Ya, go ahead. Nothing matters anymore anyway."

Oh, boo hoo, we all got problems!

Twilight tries to convince him that maybe he and Rainbow Dash weren’t meant to be, but Anon isn’t hearing any of it. He continues to whine and complain and he just comes off as a stalker who just found out that his ‘true love’ doesn’t love him anymore.

Seriously, are we supposed to relate to this guy? I feel nothing for him! I don’t know him! All I know is that he is constantly laying her gifts that she doesn’t want and that he won’t leave her alone or get over her! I don’t sympathize with him! I don’t even know him! Give me a reason why I should care if he gets with Rainbow Dash or not!

"Whatever. You can't do jackshit. All you do is read those pointless books all day filling your mind up with useless facts and information. But they won't teach you anything about how to deal with people like me."

There are several books to help you deal with teenage angst, you moron! All you need to do is go to your local library! I would lend you some of mine, but I ruined them by hitting my head repeatedly against them after reading that stupid ass comment!

By the way, telling off ponies who are just trying to help you, make you look like a jackass, jackass!

Twilight then tells Anon to calm down and starts to cast a spell on him. It turns out it’s a spell to… make Anon fall in love with her?!

There are no amount of books I can slam my head against to make me forget this moment. And it is officially the worst day of my life.

Anon catches on to Twilight’s ‘evil plan’ and runs off. He ends up in a bar where he discovers via T.V, apparently T.V is a big thing in Equestria now, that he is wanted by the Equestrian police for some odd reason. I’m sure there is a reason and I’m sure in the end, it will make no sense.

The bartender recognizes Anon and he yells for a convenient patrol of royal guards to chase him. Anon tries to get away, but is quickly caught by the royal guards.

Wow, no wonder Rainbow Dash doesn’t want to date him. He kind of sucks

Anon is taken to the royal palace where Celestia accuses him of murdering Rainbow Dash.

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It turns out that Anon’s fedora, which was never described to us in anyway in a previous scene, making this set up completely out of place, was found at the scene of the crime. Naturally, Celestia believes that Anon is responsible, because of this logic…

There has not been a murder in Equestria for hundreds of years."

Then explain why you have royal guards to protect you, Celestia? … No response… Then I’m calling bullshit!

Anon feels all kinds of mindfuck

Ignoring this switching back and forth between past tense and present tense for a moment, this is about as close as we get to the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule that I tirelessly keep bitching about.

Anon is thrown in prison and Twilight comes to visit him. It turns out that Twilight had faked Rainbow Dash’s death, so that Anon will have sex with her if he wants Rainbow Dash back.

Okay, I call bullcrap on this! She says that she magically conjures up a fake body to fool everypony into thinking it is Rainbow Dash. Wouldn’t an autopsy prove that it was a fake? For that matter, Celestia is one of the most powerful magical beings in all of Equestria, I don’t think that Twilight would be able to fool her!

Anyway, the two begin to have sex… Urgh, can I go one human in Equestria story without some kind of romantic bullshit?!

Jesus, this is two weeks in a row I’ve had to deal with this subject… Can ponies just grow the fuck up?!

Anon then uses the opportunity to find out that Rainbow Dash has been tied up underneath the library. He then breaks off Twilight’s horn and escapes the prison. God, did none of the guards hear what the hell was going on? I would think after murdering one of the main six, security would be a little tighter?!

Anon is able to get to Ponyville without much difficulty and makes his way to the Everfree Forest, where he feels he’ll be safe. He breaks into Zecora’s house and finds a sword to steal.

Oh, good. Breaking and entering and stealing, that will clear your name for sure. He makes his way back to Ponyville to try to sneak into the library to free Rainbow Dash.

He sees the main six (excluding Rainbow Dash) outside of the library talking about how they need to find Anon and bring him in before he harms any pony else. Twilight, the whole time, lies to her friends, for no reason other than to have sex with Anon.

There is no reason why Twilight should be acting like this! No fucking reason at all! There is no build up to her lying to her friends, kidnapping one of them and using them as a hostage to commit rape!

Twilight and the others rush off to find Anon, while he takes the chance to sneak into Twilight’s house to find Rainbow Dash. However, upon opening the door he runs into Spike. Spike, it turns out, is against Twilight acting like a psychopath and agrees to help Anon rescue Rainbow Dash.

Hey, Spike, why are you waiting for Anon to help you, when you have a direct line to Princess Celestia?! I very much doubt that Celestia would just ignore her most faithful student acting like a fucking moron! Fuck this story!

Anon goes downstairs to find Rainbow Dash still tied up. Anon frees her and takes her to Canterlot to clear his name and to prove that Twilight was in fact the one who kidnapped her.

Celestia orders Twilight be arrested for her crimes and that Anon is cleared of all charges.

So, now that Anon has been cleared of the murder charges against him, what’s the most logical thing for him to do?

He goes into the Everfree Forest to hunt down the rest of the six and murder Twilight in cold blood. Whatever happened to due process?

So, Anon starts cutting open Twilight.

Our hero…

Celestia comes and is shocked in horror to see Twilight’s brutalization. When Celestia confronts Anon, he attacks her and murders her.

Because the pony who can summon the freaking sun is easily overpowered by a 14 year old with a knife! Dear lord, I hate this story!

He leaves her corpse behind and goes to Luna’s chamber and murders her as well. After their deaths, he stands over Canterlot castle and proclaims himself as the new king.

Naturally, all the ponies are pissed off about him killing off the princesses who loved them dearly and they are gathering torches and pitchforks to impale this guy.

Rainbow Dash confronts him about it and berates him for being so cruel. Anon simply shrugs it off, but then Discord appears and confesses that he was manipulating everything the whole time.

Discord states that he has no further use for him and that he is going to kill Anon. Anon tries to fight back, but gets his ass kicked.

Discord, you have just become my favorite character in the show!

However, before Discord can deliver the finishing blow to Anon, the main six appears (even Twilight who apparently survived several stabbings, but who the fuck cares at this point), and use the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord.

And then Twilight says the dumbest thing I could possibly read for her character, take a gander at this…

"Not quite Anon... despite everything that happened. We've agreed to let you live. You'll be imprisoned for quite a while, but when things calm down, you'll be set free. Even you deserve another chance."

Another chance?! Another fucking chance?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! They are seriously going to give the guy who killed Celestia, killed Luna, tried to murder Twilight and usurped the throne of Canterlot another chance?!

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However, after all that he has been through, after all that he has put us through, Anon finally decides to put this story to a well-deserved ending as he plunges his sword into his own chest. The only way this could have been more satisfying to me, was if I was the one who did it.

Oh, but we couldn’t just have Anon commit suicide. That would be the sensible thing to do. No, this author has to give us the middle finger with Rainbow Dash hanging herself a few days later.

Bravo, story… Bravo… Your selfish image wasn’t enough for you to die alone, was it? You had to take Rainbow Dash with you, even though there is no reason why she should have committed suicide in the first place! No reason what so ever!

This story is garbage! It’s poorly written, lazy as hell, talking head syndrome is thrown throughout the entire story and is incredibly unpleasant to read. It’s a stupid story about his love problems that takes a really dark turn really fast. It’s not set up very well and comes the fuck out of nowhere.

The twist at the end also comes out of left field, like the author couldn’t think of a way to justify the main character’s actions, so he just made up some random bullshit that he pulled out of his ass!

The author tries to justify Anon and make him look like the good guy and the victim! In the end, he comes off as a whiny psychopath, who would rather commit murder than move on!

Twilight is probably the worst I’ve ever seen her in a story! Give “Why did I do This?!” some credit, as least it has a reason why Twilight killed her friends, be it a weak one, but at least a reason why she was out of character!

Maybe if this had been an original piece, it might have been better, but as a My Little Pony story, it’s just wrong.

… Keep away from me for a while.

Nightmare Month: A Kezzerdrix in Equestria

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And welcome to another night in Nightmare Month.

As we have seen through the course of the month, we have seen that some of the darkest fan fictions are often the most pointless of stories. There is little story development, characterization, logic and motive to stories being written except, I can write dark stories.

Look, anyone can write dark stories, it doesn’t mean you should! It takes atmosphere to write the story! And actually giving a crap about the story and characters you are writing!

And when one or more of those things are missing, the story can be a pain to read. Kind of like today’s story. So, let’s dig into A Kezzerdrix in Equestria by Inum76

Our story starts in the park where our main character is playing a game of Dart Ball. What is Dart Ball you ask? Well, I’ll let our author explain what the game is.

It is a modified form of Doge Ball. A circle of player surrounds a group in the middle. The game is simple. The group in the middle must work to get the ball past those on the out side. Those on the outside must Keep the ball in.

Sorry, I’ve never played ‘Doge Ball’, yo! Maybe yo homies can prop yo spelling, doge!

So, the author starts to explain more about Dart Ball, because I’m sure this will be crucial to the plot.

And then we… get a fucking author’s note in the middle of the story!

Authors note: I use to love to play Doge Ball in school, I was very good at it. I most never got hit. Unless I was the only one left in the middle and I wonted the players to switch rather then keep every one out waiting for me to be hit. I did stay in and not get hit for a wile at times as well, much to the frustration of everyone. For that alone, some did not like me to play. ^.^

Are you kidding me?! Are you really kidding me?! Dude, here’s the thing about author’s notes that some people are confused about! One, you don’t use an author’s note whenever you damn well please! An author’s note should either begin a chapter or end a chapter! By putting it wherever the hell you want, you draw attention away from the story, which, as a writer, is the last thing you want to be doing!

Two, an author’s note is not your personal blog! An author’s note should either drive interest in the story, asking the audience important questions, or offer an explanation to the audience about something behind the scenes of the story, such as sluggish updates.

They are not to be used to explain how good you were at Doge ball, whatever the hell that is! This might shock you, but nobody cares about how good you were at the game! We are interested in the story!

So, after a pointless author’s note, we get back to the game as it plays out. We are introduced to several characters, mainly Plunk, a Pegasus filly and Page Turner, a unicorn colt. The game continues and I’m not really sure what the hell is going on. I’m not sure who to cheer for or how I’m supposed to feel about the situation. All I know is that a bunch of kids are playing ball. A bunch of kids that I am not really that invested in.

It makes it difficult to get into the story, when I can’t even get into the situation that the kids are in. This would have been better if the kids were established before the game and I actually got to see who they were and what makes them special or their love for the game. At least then, I would have a better idea who to cheer for.

However, the game is interrupted when the ball is overthrown and starts to roll down a hill. Plunk is the unfortunately filly who has to go fetch the ball. Something she is apparently dreading.

She heads down the hill and takes a look around for the ball. She begins to get frustrated as she searches a nearby patch of trees for the ball.

She finally ends up catching the ball, but as she picks it up she starts to hear a voice calling to her. She finds out the voice is coming from a cave and decides to investigate, fearing that somepony could be hurt.

She follows the voice while thinking that once she found the pony in trouble, she could come back with help in case she was unable to. I’ll give this story credit. This character is actually acting intelligently.

As she travels through the cave, we get some backstory on her climbing through caves when she was a child, but that these caves are strange to her and thus she is having a difficult time with them.

Most of the chapter is just her traveling through the caves and misspellings and grammar errors littering the thing. I can’t tell if the writing is trying to be good or purposely bad. What I mean by that is that words that sound similar to the words the author wants to use, but have different spellings are used. I’ll show you what I mean.

The young light brown filly was sure she was close enough that who ever it was she is looking for would have heard that. Again she was shortly answered by another screech, and *wine*. None of this felt right.

Was it a griffin? The voice was still not saying a word. Just sounding hurt and desperate for help. She could also *here* movement. Just slight, and still far away.

What ever it was, may indeed be stuck and unable to get to her if it was something dangerous. Hope was in her *hart* that she would not regret failing to turn around and run right now. She felt after all this she just had to take a look.

As she travels further down, she comes across a strange creature.

Something told her it did not feed on the moss and mushrooms growing down here.

It was probably the bloody corpses of young ponies that laid around its body. … Of course, that wasn’t clear.

It turns out the creature is a Kezzerdrix, a creature from the game Magic: The Gathering. Personally, I prefer the Vizzerdrix.

It’s a better creature, be it for three more mana and loses First Strike, but it doesn’t have a negative effect for having it.

Okay, enough nerdisms, back to the story.

Plunk tries to outrun the creature, but the Kezzerdrix is able to knock her out of the air and trap her in a corner.

The creature manages to tear off her wings to keep her from escaping.

Plunk then goes to the graveyard, since her ‘life’ hit zero. Don’t worry, I’ll bring her back with my Gravedigger.

Sorry, I thought we were in the middle of a game.

And then, the creature… starts to sexually assault her?! And she enjoys it?!

You did it! You fucking did it! You just had to fucking do it, didn’t you?! You just had to fucking do it! You had to be like every fucking pony in this fucked up world, didn’t you?! You just couldn’t let it go, could you?! You just couldn’t grow up and be a fucking adult! What is wrong with you ponies?!

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you poines?! One time, shame on me! Two times, shame on you! Three times?! You ponies are fucked up! This… I mean… really? This is … okay with everypony?! Seriously?!

I am seriously running out of ways to say, ‘what the fuck’ to this?! It’s old! Really fucking old! I’m tired of reading about it! I’m tired of reviewing about it! The viewers are tired of me ranting about it! So, just FUCKING STOP!

Rape is not a fucking joke, guys! It’s not a fucking joke! Stop acting like it’s a fucking joke, because it’s not! Jesus fucking Christ!

… Look, I don’t fuck with this shit. … I don’t. I have zero tolerance for … this… being shown in this light… And every time I see this, a little bit of my faith in life dies. And, I’m not sure I can ever get it back, because… all I see are ponies who take this a just a joke. … It’s not.

And finally, after God knows how many times I had to restrain myself from throwing my laptop across the room, the Kezzerdrix finally eats the filly.

We cut back to the other group of kids as they continue to play ball. Wait, so if they had another ball, why did they bother sending Plunk to get the ball? For that matter, are they not even going to ask why she isn’t back yet? She’s been wondering through those caves for a while, you’d think that somepony would have noticed.

Actually, it turns out that… Plunk is with them?!

Huh? What?! Where? WHY? HOW?!

She was just eaten by a Kezzerdrix! How is she still on the surface?! There is no way she should still be alive! What? Is a Kezzerdrix’s stomach actually a Stargate?!

It turns out the ball rolled down the hill, but instead of going along, Plunk’s friends want to go with her. Just like the beginning of the story! You want to bother explaining this, author?! Story?! Anypony?!

They manage to find the ball, but they hear the voice of a creature down in the cave. … Just like the beginning of the story! Did you get too much flame about the rape and death of a young filly, so you decided to re-write the story within the story?! If you are going to actually re-write it, get rid of the stuff you don’t want to keep!

Instead of going into the cave, they decide to go get a pony with more experience dealing with unknown monsters. And who do they turn to?

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Twilight fucking Sparkle! That’s right! Now, go show that fucking piece of shit what for!

So, Twilight goes into the cave and decides to investigate. A few hours pass as the fillies wait outside. Twilight then returns claiming the creature would have killed them if they had come along and that they don’t need to worry about it anymore.

Wait, what?! Twilight killed that creature?! AND WE NEVER GOT TO SEE IT?!

HOLY SHIT, I HAVEN’T FELT THIS RIPPED OFF SINCE I MISSED HALF THE MONSTER FIGHTS IN GODZILLA!

So, it turns out that one of the ponies has foresight and saw what would happen if Plunk went down there and that’s why it went through those scenes before!

So, the friends go off and continue to play their game and live happily, I don’t give a shit…

The bad spelling and terrible grammar alone would be enough to keep readers away. But then you add on top of that the completely unnecessary sexual assault. Ask yourself, what did that add to the story? Nothing.

And I know what some of you are saying right now. You’re saying “It adds to the evilness of the creature.”

No. No, it doesn’t. The creature eating a child would have been enough. No, we needed to add this piece of shit to the plot to make it more ‘adult’. Bull fucking shit!

Was it to make Twilight more badass to take down a rapist?! Because she already was a badass for taking down a horrible monster that eats children!

And then all of the sudden, like the author didn’t have the balls to kill a child in his story, he bails out with this move about it being a premonition of her being attacked. Look, in a better story, this might have worked.

Nightmare on Elm Street is a perfect example of keeping your audience on their toes! And it’s one of my favorite horror movies! You are never sure if the characters are in the dream world or reality and it keeps the scares high with great characters and a scary villain.

It didn’t have to resort to sexual assault to be dark or adult. It relied on the frightfulness of the villain and the fear of our heroes.

This story is a huge disappointment to what could have been a good horror story. If the characters had been established better. The characters needed to be established for the foresight bullshit to work. It just comes out of nowhere!

The villain needed to be more involved! If the villain had been a looming threat throughout the story, that would have built tension. The first few chapters before the creature actually had some kind of tension and scariness about it. But it’s all wiped away by the foresight bullshit anyway, since it cheated us out of being scared.

A good proofreader for spelling and grammar, and of course, get rid of the pointless rape, this story actually would have been decent. But as is, this story makes me want to never read another story by this author again.

… I need a drink…

Nightmare Month: Equestrlyvania

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique! And welcome to another day in Nightmare Month!

Let’s talk about one of the most popular horror/adventure video games of all time. Castlevania!

For those of you who don’t know, Castlevania is a video games series that was first released in 1986 on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). The story of the original game was simple. You are Simon Belmont, a descendent of the legendary Belmont clan who has sworn to destroy the lord of darkness, Dracula, from terrorizing the land.

Armed only with his whip and wits, Simon struggles through Dracula’s castle, facing off against various creatures of darkness. Such as Frankenstein’s Monster, flying Medusa heads, living suits of armor, zombies, hell hounds and even Death itself.

The original game on NES was notorious for its difficult, but addictive gameplay. I’ve never beaten the game myself, but I’ve sure as hell spent many hours trying, and if you are looking for a challenging, but enjoyable game, I’d check it out.

As the years went on, the games got weirder and weirder. Sometimes they were great and sometimes they were not so good. I can’t tell you which ones I think are the best or worst since I’ve only played a few of the games.

Besides, I’ll leave that for somepony more qualified to talk about them then me. So, why am I talking about it? Why it’s for our next story that I’m going to review, of course.

This review is a crossover between the Castlevania series and My Little Pony. … Yeah, kind of a weird combo.

The most horrifying and arguably most terrifying series of games meeting the bright and colorful word of Equestria. … I’m not even sure where to go with this.

So, let’s just dig into Equestrylvania by Brony Fife

Our story begins with Twilight receiving a letter from Shining Armor, asking for her help on something, but she isn’t told what.

:twilightangry2: Damn it, Shining, if you need help opening the pickle jar again, I swear to Celestia!

We then have a cut that’s kind of a weird scene change, but not a scene change at the same time. Its describing events that are going on elsewhere from Twilight Sparkle, but in very vague detail. It’s weird, but creative.

However, I have to ask the point of this prologue. What is even the point of it? It doesn’t feel like it needs to be here and just as easily could have been part of the first chapter, since it just focuses on Twilight on her way to Canterlot.

The only reason for the prologue is to establish the cemetery scene. But overall, it’s covered by Twilight’s scene, so we hardly pay attention to it.

I think the prologue would have been better if it just focused on a scene with the graveyard before we even see our main character, setting the mood for what we are about to witness. I know this works because I’ve seen it in the comic series “Blackest Night.” It starts with a brief scene depicting the rise of the Black Lanterns before we see our main characters.

Twilight finds herself at Canterlot Castle, where Celestia seems to have done some redecorating. Instead of its normal welcoming self. It ends up looking like this…

Huh? I didn’t know Celestia celebrated Nightmare Month… I wonder what kind of candy a princess gives out?

Twilight and Shining meet to discuss what is happening in Canterlot. Shining explains that Celestia has gone missing and that she’s nowhere to be found.

Isn’t it funny how Celestia conveniently disappears when trouble starts brewing? As if to say…

:trollestia: I’m out, yo! Peace!

As Twilight starts to examine the statues of the newly placed castle, she starts to notice some of the creatures the statues depict.

Twilight Sparkle has read about these alien creatures, Homo sapiens.

Well, I’m done. You lost me, story. You lost me. Sorry, I’m done. Human in Equestria. Sorry. Not going to read it anymore. We’re done.

Sir, do you not think you are being a bit closed minded?

Nope. This story is done. It’s done. Human in Equestria. It’s done. We’re done. This story had no chance.

You have not even read the first chapter yet. How are you to know if it is bad or good?

It’s just bad. Human in Equestria. No good.

Sir, you can stop now. I think you have made your point.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Everypony, just because a story has a human in Equestria, doesn’t mean it will suck. It just most likely means it will suck. And you should all give them the chance they deserve and review them for the piece of shit that they are.

Okay, that’s the educational part of my review. Now back to yelling profanity.

Before, she had only seen ancient artwork depicting them, or clumsy facsimiles built in their image.

Oh, just wait Twilight, for soon you will be a part of the human world, seeing them up close, being one of them to win a crown in what is the MLP equivalent of High School Musical.

My thoughts exactly.

As they ponder how the castle appeared, they are met with a researcher named Roaring Yawn, a researcher who has to constantly proclaim his intellect is bigger than anypony else’s if you know what I mean.

I suppose he could be worried about Celestia’s disappearance, but not even Twilight is freaking out about it. Or at the very least is not being a dick about it.

Twilight asks if Princess Celestia said anything before she mysteriously disappeared, but Shining says they haven’t heard anything.

Shining Armor shakes his head. "We lost contact with her after the light went away. I was actually kind of hoping she maybe shot you a letter..."

At this, Twilight considers the possibility. She wishes she had brought Spike along, as he is the only one who can receive the Princess' messages.

It’s like I keep telling you guys. Don’t cut Spike from your story. It’s bad juju!

Roaring Yawn looks up at the sun. "The Princess is not here, yet the sun has risen. I assume she's still alive at least."

Yeah… Or Luna could have done it. I assume that because Celestia had control over the moon while her sister was banished that Luna knows how to raise the sun.

Roaring Yawn decides that they need to investigate the castle and discover what is inside. Twilight is against it, but doesn’t see any other options.

We then have Roaring Yawn pushing his intellect in Twilight’s face. Oh, cliché, unlikable, snobbish characters. What would I do without you? Probably have a more interesting character.

As he leaves, his back still to Twilight, he says curtly, "But don't think for a second that you are somehow on our level. You are only here because your brother demanded you to be here. So don't get in the way."

She’s saved fucking Equestria three times! Once from the Princess of the Night, once from the God of fucking Chaos and once from the … Giant evil fart!

She’s the fucking element of Magic and she’s Princess Celestia’s pupil!

What is your resume, smartass?!

Being a dick?! Because that’s all I’ve seen you do!

They get inside the castle and start photographing details of their surroundings to study in the hopes that they can figure out what’s going on.

However, as they search the castle, they find out that none of the residents, including Princess Luna, are there.

As Twilight continues to investigate, she makes a startling discovery.

"You feel it too, don't you?" asks Twilight. "This place isn't just a castle." Her eyes dart about, alert for any suspicious movement, as her voice's volume drops to almost a whisper. "It's alive."

Oh, great. Now you’ve forced me to play this…

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You can’t beat the classics.

Twilight then enters a kind of dream sequence (I think, it’s a tad confusing here) where she sees a white rabbit… No. I’m not kidding. She sees a white rabbit.

Funny, I thought this was Castlevania, not Alice in Wonderland. Although, that makes some pretty good crossovers too.

She follows the white rabbit into a tomb of some kind. However, this dream sequence seems really rushed at points. Like it’s trying to tell us what’s going on, but it doesn’t seem to know how to do it. It’s funny because in no other part of the story did I feel like it was lost, but it seems incredibly rushed or doesn’t seemed to know where it’s going.

Knowing exactly what she might see if she does so, Twilight casts a Spell of Light upon her horn, spreading sweet visibility across the room. She is greeted by precisely what she expected, and holds her screams.

There are empty eyes set in empty skulls, empty Homo sapien skulls.

How exactly did she know she was going to see human skulls? I mean, it does establish that she is in a tomb, but it doesn’t mention where the heck this scene came from. And if she is in a dream sequence, then when the hell did that happen? They don’t go back to camp or anything and this is the line before the dream sequence.

Roaring Yawn says nothing, but the look on his face agrees. Shining Armor looks about uncomfortably, his weight shifting from one side to the other while the others are bustling about in their investigation. Inwardly, he hopes to hear back from his men as soon as possible.

I know that you are trying to create a bit of mystery to what is going on, but I don’t feel like it was a very good lead in.

A creature appears from the mounds of corpses and starts chasing Twilight Sparkle.

She then wakes up in bed and tries to calm herself down and in midsentence it cuts to a corpse giving an evil “cupcakes” grin at her and cuts her down.

However, she wakes up back in her bed. Geez, is this some kind of Christopher Nolan trip?!

It’s bad enough we had to end the chapter with a confusing dream sequence, but when we come back, we start with another dream sequence? It’s like the story’s grinding to halt to wait for a row of ducks to pass by before it can move on.

So, Twilight wakes up and the guard explains that she will be having nightmares for a while.

You're going to have flashbacks so real, it'll be like you're time-warping, right back to that moment. In time, those memories will fade."

Wait, so these things have already happened? When in the story did we indicate that was happening, unless it’s some kind of precognition thing, but that would contradict what you just said, since it’s a flashback.

For a well-written story, this seems very poorly executed.

We then get back to the dream sequence, seriously this story jumps around more than a grasshopper on an energy drink, and it shows what happened against the creature that attacked her. Apparently, Shining Armor rushes in to try to help her sister. How does he appear in the tomb? … I have no idea. In fact, it isn’t even made clear how Twilight ended up in the tomb. Did the house just eat them or something?!

Anyway, during the fight Shining is nearly defeated when Twilight’s natural magic kicks in and beats the demon away.

However, it turns out that Shining, during the scuffle, has two single bite marks on his neck. Twilight discovers this and freaks out about the safety of her brother.

Shining Armor reassures her that he will be fine and that some of the medical staff wants to check up on him. However, they warn that Shining is going mad and violent.

Oh, great. Here come the FlutterbatXShining Bat fan fics. Computer, get me some more alcohol.  

After Shining Bat is escorted to a hospital, Twilight groups with the investigation team with one of the guards named Tiger Cross (the Cypher Rage of the MLP universe) and Shatterstorm.

Upset about Shining’s Shining moment (A little Stanley Kubrick there), Twilight tries goes out and clear her head with Shatterstorm telling her not to wander off.

Instead, she is forced to examine the giant bat that attacked her brother. How did Shining Armor get beat by this…

It’s easy enough that I was able to kill in my playthrough. In fact it’s the only boss I’ve ever killed.

Anyway, Twilight tries to concentrate, but Intelligent McDickface actually shows some kindness and convinces Twilight to take a couple of weeks off to recover.

"This stuff? It's not going anywhere. Canterlot has just become ground zero for something that has proven itself to be very dangerous. I'm giving you the next two weeks off. Spend time with your friends. Come back refreshed."

Or better yet, bring your friends and the Elements of Harmony. After all, they would be very useful against an agent of darkness, since they already proved useful in turning Discord, who can reshape reality with his left pinky, to stone!

If you are going to shove your intellect to me, Intelligent McDickface, at least have it makes sense!

So, Twilight heads on home to try to clear her mind.

We cut to Ponyville where we met with another character named Roseluck is tending to her garden. However, she can’t shake the feeling that something bad is happening in Canterlot, because of the big black castle that overlooks them.

She talks to Pinkie Pie about what has happened and Pinkie explains that Twilight received a letter to investigate the castle.

She also keeps seeing these weird visions, as if the castle is staring at her. Oh, great the castle is turning into Monster House.

We then cut to Fluttershy who is doing pretty well considering a dark castle is now on the horizon. Any other story would have had her faint and only the power of sex could have woken her up. As she tends to her animal friends, she starts to become worried about the whole thing, stating that the sunset isn’t right.

:fluttershyouch: There’s too much purple, it off sets the other colors.

Things aren’t made better when the animals start acting aggressive and Fluttershy can do nothing to calm them down. They attack Fluttershy, but she is able to get away by hiding under the bed… Not sure how this would work. Do the animals just don’t go under the bed because that’s monster territory? Don’t want to step on their turf or something?

We then cut to a cemetery where a pony named Dirt Nap. Wow, your parents must have really hated you, didn’t they? Why don’t they just name you ‘Our Mistake’ while they’re at it? Was your father hanging over your crib each night with a knife in his hoof, planning to give you your Cutie Mark?

Or we could go for a more slang term not used often; do you go around taking shit on everypony’s bed?

Or are you supposed to be the Grim Reaper? Because that would be the only way your name would be slightly cooler. And by slightly, I mean, still stupid.

Anyway, Dirt Nap is described to us as a very ugly pony.

He digs graves, keeps the cemetery, and so on. His appearance of hunched back, black coat, pale white pelt, a single dead eye, a face of welts and warts, and greasy black mane covered in a wide-brimmed black hat did nothing to dissuade others of his creepiness.

Ah, so the cliché gravedigger. You know, just once I’d love to see a gravedigger that was looked like Orlando fucking Bloom.

It goes on about how he knows everypony in town and that they will one day be buried here.

It is how he knows that they will all be buried here one day, buried right here in his cemetery.

Unless, some of them weren’t born in Ponyville and wish to be buried where they were born. Or is this the only cemetery in Equestria? You’d think you’d hit the center of the earth by then, unless you bury current ponies corpses with other corpses like a landfill. In which case, I request to be buried by Rarity… Oh, yeah…

His whole point in life is to bury the dead and that scared other ponies. He's never looked at his cutie mark with pride as others did theirs. His cutie mark is a curse: it warns others that he would bury them one day, and that terrifies them. But if he buried everypony else, who would be left to bury him? Such a curse, to have been made lonely by his own talent.

Yes, because I’m sure that out all the bajillions (I don’t care if it’s not a word) of ponies out there, there is only one who is a pony who can run a graveyard. Just like Miss Cheerilee is the only fucking elementary teacher in Equestria. I’d imagine her classes would look like this …

He notices the sun going down as if something bad has happened and the sun almost fades from existence. Well, good luck with global freezing.

As he watches the graveyard, the tombstones start to shake violently, as the dead start to rise from their graves.

He makes his way for this hut and prepares to defend himself. However, the zombie horde surrounds his house and rams at the walls and doors to make their way in.

We then cut back to Canterlot where Twilight is about to leave for Ponyville to try to relax. As she leaves, she wonders about what to tell Cadance about her husband.

As the night falls, the group looks up to the sky to realize that this isn’t the same night that Luna brings and that there is something wrong with it. Twilight gets on the chariot, but before it can get far, it is cut from the sky by a being with a scythe and dark cloak.

We then cut to Applejack, where her family is traveling to a hidden passage way until the whole thing blows over. Applejack volunteers to stay behind, claiming that she wants to know what’s going on. Her family disapproves, fearing for her safety, but Applejack heads out anyway to find out if there is any way she can help her friends.

We then cut back to Twilight as she falls from the carriage. Fortunately, Tiger Cross (still a stupid name) rescues her before she can hit the ground. However, the same can’t be said for Scatterstorm.

When they find Scatterstorm, he seems to have lost his marbles…

Shatterstorm begins to cry. "No, Momma," he moans in a small, childlike voice, "Not again, don't, don't do it again, Momma..."

Yeah, I have those moments too. Mostly with my dad and a skin tight suit. … That was a weird Thanksgiving.

The hooded figure attacks again, but Tiger Cross decides to fight it. With what? Your bare hooves? I can see that going well. Though if a normal human with a knife can kill Celestia, anything is possible.

He tells Twilight to run back to Ponyville and get help.

Then Twilight starts to re-experience some of worst moments … or I guess I should say, ponies of her life. Ponies that have wronged her in anyway. I wonder what would happen if…

Quesada!

Miller!

MYYYYYYYYKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

… Sorry about that… Saw some things…  Let’s move on…

Tiger Cross is able to snap her out of it and gets her moving onto Ponyville.

Also, the reason why she kept seeing ponies that wronged her. Yeah, not really explained. It just kind of a tool used to set up for Shatterstorm’s story arc, but I’ll get to him later.

Twilight rushes with a still confused Shatterstorm and finds that Ponyville, which is just a convenient half hour walk away as established by so many other stories, is in ruins and chaos.

Twilight makes her way into the town and finds a group of ponies in need of help.

Without a second's hesitation, the living corpse is reduced to ash by a burst of magic fire. The filly looks up into the eyes of her savior.

"...Are you an angel?" asks the filly, between sobs.

Twilight lifts her up onto her back. The filly looks curiously at Shatterstorm floating nearby in a magenta glow, currently unconscious. As Twilight shoots forth deeper into the town, she quips, "Close enough."

Damn fucking straight, girlfriend. Now if you had killed that Kezzerdrix in the last review, I’d be happy.

All around Ponyville we see other members of the main six rescuing various ponies in the city. Okay, other stories I’ve reviewed, I want you to pull out a note pad and a pen and start taking notes.

THIS IS HOW THE MAIN SIX SHOULD BE ACTING! They aren’t waiting around for some ‘hero’ to come and save them! They are actually taking initiative! You know, like heroes do!

We see Rainbow Dash rescue Lyra, we see Rarity saving her little sister, Pinkie Pie is helping escort the injured and their families to hospitals, and we see Applejack saving Rarity and Sweetie Belle, to which Applejack gets a pretty badass introduction.

Suddenly, there comes a whoop from nowhere, and an orange bolt of godlike might and indignation shoots down from above.

That was cosmic… I want a badass introduction like that! Computer, write for me a badass introduction.

Could take a while.

Shut up!

And Pinkie Pie beats the fuck out of a rapist!

… Okay, I know I’ve dealt with this for the last four weeks. But I’ve got to say, having Pinkie Pie go RoboCop on this stallion’s dick… makes me smile…

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She really does make me smile, smile, smile!

We then cut to Fluttershy who is still hiding under her bed. She discovers that her demon possessed animals have left and she figures that they have gone to terrorize the rest of the town. Despite being afraid, Fluttershy heads out to see what she can do to help.

Fluttershy is then confronted by her Angel, but Angel seems to be acting normal where the other animals weren’t. It turns out that Angel found a golden cross earlier that day and that’s why she’s behaving normally. Angel pantomimes the events that took place and says that the animals cornered her, but after seeing the cross they ran away.

Fluttershy figures she can use the cross to get the animals under control and she and Angel head to town.

We then cut to Sweet Apple Acres where a mysterious man, a dog and a woman are searching for a set of ribs by request of their master, Dracula.

It turns out that the mysterious man is actually Death, one of Dracula’s most powerful and loyal servants. And the woman is named Actrise, a witch from the Castlevania series (at least according to Wikipedia). They continually search the place until Death’s dog finally finds what they are looking for.

As the dog digs up their prize, they discuss what to do about Twilight Sparkle who defeated one of Dracula’s servants. Actrise believes that Twilight could be a threat, but Death reassures her that she is far from it, especially without Celestia, and that they will have little trouble taking over Equestria.

However, Death agrees that if Twilight should try to hinder their plans again that Actrise would be more than a match for her.  Actrise agrees if only to silence Death.

It is then revealed what happened to Tiger Cross during his battle with Death.

Yeah, apparently Death keeps his victims cutie marks after he’s killed them. He’s making a new cape out of them.

We then cut to Roseluck, who has barricaded herself in her apartment building, but it unable to get out. Monsters begin to pound on her door and she waits for them all to end her life, as she feels like it’s hopeless.

Just as the monsters enter the room and earthquake occurs and see ends up seeing the source of said tremor, but we aren’t yet told what.

Back at Sweet Apple Acres, Dirt Nap, somehow, escaped the zombie horde.

He comes across Death, Actrise and the Ghost Dog and watches them from afar. However, the Ghost Dog senses him and gives chase to him, easily catching him, and brings him face to face with his master.

Dirt Nap is interrogated by the two, and convinces him that Celestia and society have abandoned him.

Believe me, which is a lot easier to believe than you would think.

However, Death offers him a chance to belong and asks him to join Dracula and help him in his resurrection. Dirt Nap, longing for acceptance, agrees.

In Ponyville, Pinkie Pie is continuing to help ponies, including her extended family the Cakes (nice to see them for a change), make it to hospitals and shelters. When suddenly a large creature that looks like this appears.

If that’s not scary, I don’t know what is.

Okay, it’s not Iron Will. It’s actually more demonic looking.

Pinkie Pie tries to distract it to keep it away from civilians. So, what does she do to distract them? She tells it a joke.

… Okay, I’ll give you points for making me laugh at a good scene in fan fiction. That’s actually really difficult to do.

And I can’t argue with the results, since the monster chases Pinkie Pie like she just insulted his mother. However, the creature is quickly gaining on Pinkie Pie, when all of the sudden, Rainbow Dash rams into the creature, crushing its ribs.

Pinkie Pie doesn’t take the creature’s death well.

Now, this is a very good scene where Pinkie Pie breaks down and admits that they had to get rough on the bad guys, but they never resorted to murder. Rainbow Dash comforting her.

However, before they get very far, the creature gets up and roars at them. … What? They’re like the monsters in the game. They just never die.

We then cut back to Death and the others where Applejack is seen taking down Death’s dog. Death attempts to murder Applejack for killing his friend, but Applejack is able outwit him and avoid his attack. Actrise tries to help, but Applejack proves too quick and steals the rib from them.

I know this is supposed to make Applejack cool and all, and don’t get me wrong, I’m all for that, but this just makes Death and Actrise kind of suck.

As Applejack disappears, Death orders Actrise to find her and retrieve the missing piece, while he goes to find the others.

Actrise disagrees with this since a non-magical pony is beneath her talents.

Oh, yeah, bitch! That non-magical pony just whipped your ass and outwitted Death! I think she’s earned your respect! Earth Ponies forever, mother buckers!

Dirt Nap, being the newest servant and has a desire to prove his worth, requests that he be the one to retrieve the rib, since he already has a great hatred for the Apple Family. Particularly, Applejack.

Dracula’s spirit then appears and grants Dirt Nap the powers of Hell.

We then cut back to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie as they attempt to outrun the behemoth. They manage to trick the behemoth into one of the buildings and the rubble crushes nearby zombies that were threatening the town.

Pinkie Pie then discovers that Roseluck is still in danger and makes an effort to rescue her.

Meanwhile, Twilight travels to the library to check on Spike and to hopefully bring order to the town. She finds Spike and many of her friends, including Applejack, Rarity and Sweetie Belle.

Applejack reveals the bone she found at Sweet Apple Acres and explains (briefly for those of you who know I hate retreads of stuff we just read) how she received it.

A creature attacks the library before any of them can catch their breath and Twilight manages to teleport everypony just out of the building. The creature then demands the ribs from Twilight.

:twilightangry2: For the hundredth time, the McRib is a seasonal item!

The creature attacks the group, but Applejack and Twilight are able to repel it.

The fiery monster attached to Dirt Nap lifts its arms and howls. In an instant, all the nearby houses are set aflame with the sound of a roaring lion proclaiming its victory. "Look at all this power!" Dirt Nap declares as the neighborhood erupts. "I’m like a god! You honestly think you could 'end' me? You have no chance!"

Because they defeated a God who can warp reality how he wants? And what do you do? Fire? Oh, I’m sure Bowser would be impressed.

And then Twilight starts to talk to Dirt Nap, asking why he wants to destroy them. Dirt Nap explains that he just wanted to be loved and when he didn’t receive it, he demanded retribution. However, Twilight points out a flaw in his quest for revenge.

"Because you were never a good pony."

Dirt Nap blinked. "What?!"

"You never stopped to say hello, you never went out of your way to help anypony. You never acted friendly towards anypony. You did your job, but you never helped yourself, and you never helped anypony else in any way." Twilight stands up straight, looking at Dirt Nap right in the eye. "That's why you don't have friends, Dirt Nap."

Oh, so Dirt Nap is actually Mykan in disguise. Yes, I already made a Mykan joke in this review, but how could I not take this opportunity?

Yeah, while I’m not opposed to Twilight talking down an opponent, this is really weird. Anyway, Dirt Nap, pissed off about the flaw in logic, attacks Twilight. Applejack manages to protect her, and before Dirt Nap can take the rib, Twilight teleports it to the “End Zone”, the final level in one of the Sonic games.

Rarity, Spike and Sweetie Belle manage to escape while Twilight and Applejack deal with the creature.

We then cut to Scootaloo who is trying to escape a group of creatures, but gets cornered by them. However, thanks to Fluttershy and her magic cross, Scootaloo is able to get to safety.

Meanwhile, Twilight and Applejack battle the creature, but it proves too powerful for them. Twilight asks Applejack to run and get to safety, while she figures out a way to defeat. Applejack refuses, saying that she is not about to abandon her.

"Remember when we went after Nightmare Moon?" interrupts Twilight. "And I was about to fall off a cliff to what I thought would be my death? And you looked me in the eye, and told me to let go? I trusted you, and I was safe." Twilight looks Applejack right in the eyes as Aguni begins to scratch and pound on the shield like an angry tiger. "Do you trust me, Applejack?"

Must… not … succumb… to … easy… joke…

Applejack feels tears forming in her eyes. Her throat clenches as fire climbs all around the forcefield.

"Do you trust me?"

Must … resist… must… oh, fuck it.

:ajsmug: I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering, splendid! Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes.

Clop fic-ers are going to love this one.

:twilightsmile: A whole new world! A dazzling place I never knew!

Applejack listens to Twilight and darts off, in which Applejack discovers the “End Zone” is actually on top of her head, under her hat.

Rarity, Spike and Sweetie Belle get pinned down by zombies and Spike offers to make a heroic sacrifice to save them.

Bye, Spike. Have a nice after-life!

Oh, I kid. Rarity actually berates Spike for this, saying that she would rather them die together than live on without him. However, Spike says that it is his honor to defend his lady. Spike charges in and before he can be torn to shreds, Fluttershy arrives and repels the creatures.

And everyone wonders why you are useless, Spike.

Youtube Video

What did I do?!

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie battle the behemoth in another part of the city. However, they get pinned down by the creature and with Roseluck bleeding out, Pinkie Pie realizes that Rainbow Dash needs to get her to a hospital or she could die. Pinkie Pie is able to distract the creature, so Rainbow Dash can get Roseluck to safety.

However, the creature pins down Pinkie Pie and it looks like it might be the end for her.

Suddenly, Fluttershy appears to stop the behemoth in its tracks just before it can devour Pinkie Pie.

Back with Twilight, she is seen battling Dirt Nap, playing keep away long enough for Applejack to get as far away from them as possible. However, Twilight realizes that she can’t keep teleporting away forever and knows she has to come up with a plan.

She lures him to a lake and quickly douses his fire.

Looks like Dirt Nap is now… Maud Pie…

Youtube Video

Dirt Nap feels that he’s toyed with Twilight long enough and wants nothing but to incinerate her. However, she has access to the “End Zone” so he can’t kill her without losing access to the rib.

A nearby child starts crying and Dirt Nap feels he can use it as leverage to get Twilight to do what he wants.

Twilight agrees to his terms and says she will bring back the rib if he spares the child. Of course, knowing that Dirt Nap may still hurt the child even if he gets the rib back, Twilight tries stalling until she figures out a way to beat Dirt Nap and protect the filly.

The distraction comes in the form of his behemoth charging straight at him. With this, Twilight is able to grab the filly and get her to safety. However, Dirt Nap is not so lucky.

Looks like Dirt Nap is taking a… dirt nap…

Youtube Video

I thought it was funny, sir.

Shut up, Computer.

Twilight tries to outrun the behemoth, but starts to slowly pass out. She is saved at the last minute by a stallion who comes right out of nowhere.

The night finally ends and the ponies come out to experience what Tokyo must feel like after Godzilla just spent the night. At the hospital, the stallion introduces himself to the main six as Aeon, a man who exists out of time and keeps balance. So, kind of like the Doctor from Doctor Who.

Pinkie Pie explains that she met Aeon some time ago and that they had an adventure together which Pinkie was able to save her own life. I would say it was in another story, but I have yet to find it. Which makes it seem out of place since we never actually saw this adventure. The only thing it does explain is the appearance of the cross which Aeon had given to Pinkie because he knew somepony would need it. But that would have been nice to have been seen, even in an extended story.

They ask Aeon about what’s going on and why the rib is so important. Aeon explains that the rib is part of the body of Dracula and that his servants have been collecting them as part of a ritual to bring him back from the dead. Well, dead from the undead. I know, it’s confusing.

He explains the history of the Belmont clan and their relationship with Dracula. Dracula would try to terrorize the world and Belmonts would always be there to stop him. However, Richter Belmont went mad after being forced to kill his loved one, who was tainted by Dracula.

Pfft, that’s nothing. Loved ones of the Belmonts get killed all the time in Castlevania games. Just ask Leon Belmont, who was forced to kill his loved one and watch his best friend betray him because it turned out his best friend was *spoilers*

After the Belmonts were defeated by themselves, someone in the human world had sent the pieces of Dracula’s corpse into separate dimensions in the hopes that they would never be used to resurrect him. However, Dracula’s minions discover this and set out to tear apart the worlds they fell upon.

I wonder if they ever ran into Unicornicopia. That would sure make that story a hell of a lot better. Especially the part where Rhymey’s stupid face gets… Sorry, got to stop that.

Aeon also explains that Princess Celestia is alive, but she has fled their dimension.

:trollestia: Screw you guys. I’m going home.

Okay, that’s not what really happened.

Celestia has written a letter confirming Aeon’s story and confirming that she and Luna are alive. She explains how dire the situation is and how she is unable to help them. However, she offers some encouraging words and an uplifting speech.

Yeah, I’m sure they’ll remember that when they’re getting their lungs ripped out of their chests. What they hell are you and Luna doing anyway?!

We then get a scene where Pinkie Pie convinces Aeon to reveal his true human form for Lyra. While it is pretty pointless to the overall plot of things, I’m mentioning because this seems like a realistic thing for Pinkie Pie to do. While I don’t understand Lyra’s weird obsession with human hands, if she did have it, and Pinkie Pie had access to it, and knew it would make her smile, Pinkie Pie do everything in her power to provide that in order to make a friend of her’s smile.

If you are going to do a pointless scene, have it make sense why it is there. This is a perfect example of a ‘pointless scene’ that works. And even then, it’s not really that pointless, since it shows us great character development by both Aeon, who is generous enough to let Lyra see him in his human form and Pinkie, who convinces him to do this seemingly little thing to lift somepony’s spirit after a crisis!

We then get a good dose of what the Rithmatist is about (for those of you who are interested in that book) as Twilight instructs several unicorns about magically conjuring a strong enough force field to last them the night, in case the creatures come back.

And I would just like to take a moment about how impressed I am with this story’s writing. It’s very descriptive, there is good action, the grammar and spelling is very…

"See you guys tomorro,"

Youtube Video

Meanwhile, Applejack arrives at Sweet Apple Acres to survey the damage. Applejack is worried about how they are going to survive after the devastation the farm took as well as the apple orchard, but Granny Smith simply says that they will just rebuild.

Applejack looks to her grandmother, fighting her tears. "B-But... but it'd take years b'fore any new trees'll produce any more apples. Y'might..." Her voice drops to a whisper, dreading what she is about to say. "Y'might not live long 'nuff t'see this orchard git back up on her hooves."

Oh, please, if Equestria has taught me anything it’s that the soil here is fertile enough that you’ll have apple trees shooting out apples by the end of the week.

Meanwhile, Big Mac is helping find survivors and escorting the dead to a bonfire to be burned so they don’t come back as zombies. Also, since nopony else in all of Equestria knows how to run a graveyard and since Twilight kind of killed the last one, nopony knows how to dig a pony sized hole.

Twilight makes her way back to the hospital where Spike asks her to try and rest. Twilight is about to do so when she overhears Shatterstorm and Rainbow Dash bickering.

Rainbow Dash looks to her friend. "Twi, why'd you have to let this guy help me?! He's a total asshat!"

Hey, only I can use vulgar language in my review! If everypony started doing it, I’d be out of a job!

Twilight berates Rainbow Dash for being pigheaded and explains that they will need all the help they can get if they are to defeat Dracula.

Shatterstorm leaves after some more bickering with Rainbow Dash and Twilight follows him. He starts to explain his relationship with his mother, who he mentioned before.

I swear if this is a child abuse scene… I’m gonna yell about it.

Actually, it turns out that Shatterstorm had been manipulated by mares all his life. Oh, so it’s Damion’s story. … Wow, going all the way back.

Shatterstorm breaks down claiming that he is useless. Spike comes in and starts to encourage Shatterstorm, saying that he knows what it’s like to be viewed that way.

"But, you gotta remember, nopony's ever really worthless. Sure, we all do dumb things and we screw up, and ponies we know and love are gonna get hurt by our mistakes. But on the other hand, we'll do things that help in the long run. We go out of our way to help anypony that needs it, and make 'em happy.

"You might have failed a few times in the past, and you're gonna fail again, sure. But even if you fail ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the one success you make might be all it takes to change the world.

"I dunno what went on between you and your mom, and I don't know why mares treat you like dirt. But that's all in the past. They can't hurt you anymore." Spike slowly leans in. "You can't let them keep hurting you. What they did to you in the past should never keep you from doing the right thing, right now."

… Wow… That was a trip. I haven’t felt this good since that coke high.

Fluttershy returns to her cottage to bury several of her animal friends after the night’s chaos. Fluttershy believes that because she wasn’t able to save any of them that she is a coward. Aeon arrives and explains to Fluttershy that the work she was able to do saved many last night. Fluttershy has a hard time accepting this since it was Angel that found the cross that helped her.

However, Aeon explains that if Angel had not found her alive, than it was unlikely that anypony she cared about would have survived the night. Fluttershy accepts this and joins Aeon as they head back to the hospital to help who they can.

At the hospital, Sweetie Belle begins to have a panic attack and claims that they are all going to die. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom try to calm her down, but it’s finally when Rarity arrives that she begins to listen to reason.

Meanwhile, Spike begins to gather some supplies for the force field spell while Twilight rests.

Twilight, after gaining a few hours rest, meets with Roseluck. Roseluck explains the visions she keeps having and Twilight explains that she has been having them as well.  She tells Twilight that the castle has marked her for an enemy and that it wants to completely destroy her.

Because apparently the giant behemoth and the flaming Dirt Nap wasn’t clear enough.

Rainbow Dash hears about Shining Armor and asks Twilight why she didn’t hear about it until now. Shatterstorm tries to answer for her, but the two just bicker about it. Twilight, finally able to calm Rainbow Dash and Shatterstorm down, explains that there was a lot on her mind and not a lot they could do to help him. Rainbow Dash says that she still would have liked to have known since she wants to support them.

And here something I’d like to bring up. Many readers have pointed out that some of the characters seem a little out of character in some points here. And they kind of are. But it works for this particular situation.

Allow me to explain, they have just gone through a crisis. A crisis that dealt with monsters, demons, zombies, Death, and running around trying to protect ponies as best they can. Most, if not all of them, have not gotten any sleep since the whole thing started. They are exhausted, tired, probably hungry, mentally and spiritually drained. It shows in their actions and their dialogue. Most of the characters are easily irritated or say things that they wouldn’t normally.

I know I’m the first to jump when a character doesn’t act like their normal selves, but here, it doesn’t bother me, because the situation where they don’t act completely in character is justified. You don’t expect them to act 100% due to what they have experienced. None of these characters have ever encountered something like this before and they are trying to cope with it the best that they can. This obviously leads to some character moments where they feel like they are the same characters we know, but just a little different because it is not a normal situation for the characters.

And this story does that part extremely well. While Rainbow Dash is easily irritated or Twilight leaving on a sour note in this and several other scenes, it’s easy to relate to because the situation they have been through is overwhelming.

Okay, back to the story. As I said, Twilight leaves the hospital room just wanting to be left alone.

Twilight starts a list of things that Intelligent McDickface might need to know when her friends come in to check on her. They find out that Intelligent McDickface is actually quite attractive and that Twilight and he would make a cute couple.

Hey, any couple would be better developed than half the OC’s I read about. Or Flash Sentry for that matter.

"There's too much estrogen in here. I'm gonna be right outside."

Rainbow Dash smirks. "Whatsamatter, Shatters? Afraid your balls are gonna fall off if you stay too long?"

Geez, Rainbow Dash has kind of a potty mouth on her. I wonder… Naw, naw… That’d be stupid.

Five days pass after the attack on Ponyville and the rebuilding process has begun. Twilight continues to study the rib in hopes of finding a way to track the other pieces and obtain them before Dracula’s crew do, but without much success.

Spike beings to worry about her, saying that she has foregone sleep, food and even restroom breaks to finish her project.

As Twilight is about to take a break, somepony decided they didn’t want to hang around anymore.

Inside the room, there is a body hanging from a noose. The sound it makes as it swings lazily from the ceiling beam reminds Rainbow Dash of gritting teeth.

Oh, let’s see if I can milk this scene for all its worth with a hastily rushed fan fic to drive emotion! … Like other fics I’ve reviewed…

Rainbow Dash doesn’t take the death well and Aeon tries talking to her. Rainbow Dash says that she’s always prided herself on helping others in their time of need and that for once, she feels powerless.

Aeon explains that it is natural, but Rainbow Dash doesn’t want to hear it.

After that, Rainbow Dash continues to guard the rib with Twilight researching it. Not too far away, Scootaloo is speaking with Shatterstorm and Rainbow Dash overhears that Shatterstorm and Rainbow Dash would make a cute couple.

Oh, is this romantic sitcom I’m hearing?! I can just see it now…

Rainbow Dash is a tough tom-boy who is loyal to the end. Shatterstorm is arrogant stallion, searching for something to fill the void of his lost friend. A force will drive these two to bicker. A force named Scootaloo. But will they see how much they need each other or will Scootaloo have to perform a magic love potion on them?

Tune in to our new show, Love Hurts.

The ratings would be huge.

However, Rainbow Dash doesn’t think so, as she snaps at Scootaloo. However, she quickly feels bad about it after Scootaloo runs off. Geez, Rainbow Dash has got a little too much sand in her vagina.

Scootaloo runs into Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie explains that Rainbow Dash simply overreacted. Okay, there is a fine line between overreacting and blatant out of character moments. You are on the border.

We cut to Sweetie Belle who is still trying to recover from everything that has happened. Rarity is trying her best to comfort her, but Sweetie Belle isn’t doing much better.

It turns out that Sweetie Belle has been poisoned by an unknown arcane element and the doctors are unable to help. Rarity demands them to find an antidote, but the doctors don’t even know where to start to save her.

However, it seems that Sweetie Belle isn’t the only pony to be affected by the strange poison as begins to affect other children, including Apple Bloom. Maybe they are actually in a dream sequence where Luna sings to them and takes them into her night. Wouldn’t that be a twist?

Aeon goes off to check on Twilight to see what kind of progress she’s made. Pinkie Pie and Scootaloo meet with him and say that they need to find Rainbow Dash.

Aeon goes off to check on Twilight to see what kind of progress she’s made. Pinkie Pie and Scootaloo meet with him and say that they need to find Rainbow Dash.

Aeon goes off to check on… wait… Have I done this before? … Déjà vu…

Actually, that’s exactly what is going on. Aeon starts to re-experience scenes from a few moments ago. However, he is the only one who can notice the time loop.

A pony named Marble attacks Shatterstorm as he guards over the rib. After knocking Shatterstrom out, she confronts Twilight and demands her to give her the rib.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack overhear the attack and try to go and help, but before they can get far, a time loop occurs preventing them from getting to Twilight.

Aeon quickly realizes what is going on and goes through the hospital to confront the creature. It turns out the white rabbit from earlier is a Chronomage and is controlling time and space to serve Dracula’s goal. Aeon quickly attacks the Chronomage in the hopes of restoring time to normal.

Back to Twilight, Marble explains that the poison in the hospital was her doing and that if Twilight wants the cure that will save the children, she will surrender the rib. Twilight, not seeing many alternatives, surrenders the rib to her.

Just before Twilight can get the cure, Marble says that Twilight must escort her out of the hospital safely otherwise, she will forfeit the cure. Twilight, seeing an opportunity since her opponent is merely doing this to rub her victory over in her in her face, agrees, in the hopes of coming up with a plan before Marble can get away with her plan.

Meanwhile, Aeon and the Chronomage continue to do battle, almost mirroring each other. The Chronomage taunts him as he draws out the battle longer and longer.

After a while, Aeon figures out why. A tear in the time has become bigger and this fight is just a distraction so he wouldn’t notice.

Aeon quickly ends the fight and finds the tear in time and uses all the magic he has to repair it.

As Twilight and Applejack escort Marble down the hallway, Twilight racks her brain to come up with a plan to outwit Marble. She can’t attack Marble since that would destroy the bottle. If she tried to steal the bottle, it would be destroyed. If any spell she had targeted the bottle, it would be destroyed. However, she comes up with the plan of stealing the liquid away from the bottle without Marble knowing. (which in the grand scheme of things will all come to nothing)

Twilight goes through her mind and finds the answer she is looking for after talking with her giant Smartypants doll. … What? I’ve seen weirder shit.

In the Cemetery of Ponyville, which is still looking for new management, Aeon and the Chronomage still battle to see who is the master of time.

But neither one of them will win. We all know who the master of time really is.

Aeon starts to lose badly and after being tossed around like a rag doll, the Chronomage leaves him to continue his mission.

Meanwhile, Bon Bon leaves the hospital feeling down after what nearly happened to Lyra. However, she runs into Aeon and Aeon manages to convince her to help him. It turns out a group of lanterns have been scattered around the graveyard and that Bon Bon needs to destroy them.

They will then pop out hearts which Bon Bon uses for ammo of her secondary weapon. Such as the Knife or the axe.

Bon Bon starts to destroy the lanterns, but as she does, mud creatures attack Bon Bon, making it more difficult for her.

However, after outwitting the mud creatures, Bon Bon destroys the last of the lanterns, which allows Aeon to recover his strength. Aeon tells Bon Bon to go back to the hospital and wait for him. Meanwhile, he does the Doctor body recovery thing.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention is this Applejack’s father subplot. During the night, it turns out that Applejack’s father had killed several children. Applejack and Big MacIntosh are upset over this, blaming themselves and feeling this tarnishes their family name. However, her father was a walking corpse.

Yeah, kind of seeing the problem.

This scene that is supposed to be difficult for Applejack and Big Mac doesn’t feel justified. I know they knew their father, but it says that he was laid to rest a long time ago and that he had been a corpse for years. Putting aside how his body managed to hold up that they recognized him out of his grave, he had lost his mind when he became a zombie. Any part of him that was him was gone when they buried him.

So, this scene makes no sense! This emotional moment has no merit for me because it wasn’t established very well, it has no reason to be here, doesn’t further the story or develop the characters, and it is out of place since there is no reason for them to feel the way they do, since their father had been dead for years and that the zombies have no humanity.

But whatever, back to the story, Applejack beats herself up for her father’s body being used as a killing tool, again makes no sense to me why she would feel that way.

As Applejack leaves the hospital, Big Mac runs into her and talks to her. Applejack says she wants nothing but to kill Marble, believe me I feel the same way, but Big Mac manages to talk her out of it, saying that they are better ponies than that.

Suddenly, the Doctor comes out of his Tardis and… Oh, wait, it’s just Aeon.

Aeon appears and asks to see Twilight and Applejack briefly explains what has happened.

Meanwhile, as Twilight and Marble make their way to the hospital exit, Marble continues to mock her and Twilight pushes it out of her mind as best she can.

Applejack asks Aeon why he doesn’t just fix everything by traveling in time, but Aeon says it doesn’t work that way. Marble continues to insult the others and we find out that Marble this whole time has been Actrise.

Ha, I see what you did there.

Actrise gets outside and before she can give the potion to them, she teleports it away, laughing manically, feeling that she has won. However, it turns out that she teleported it to Applejack’s hat? Okay...

It turns out that Actrise had tried to manipulate the real Marble into performing the task, however, when she refused, Actrise stepped in instead. She manages to convince Marble to follow orders, for if she doesn’t, she will kill Big Mac.

Back at the hospital, Twilight and the others administer the cure, which brings everypony back from the brink.

Back at the castle, the Chronomage reveals that they have lost the ability to feel Dracula’s influence. Death appears before the two and doesn’t seem too happy about them. Death reveals that Twilight had outwitted Actrise by casting a spell; while she believed it was something else.

Anyway, Death explains that he is not pleased with her and orders her to go ‘cupcakes’ on Twilight or he will go ‘cupcakes’ on her.

Back at the hospital, Twilight explains that her plan to null the enemies ability to sense Dracula, forcing them to scout the land aimlessly to find their master’s body parts, buying them an infinite amount of time.

However, it turns out that before Twilight could save the all the children Actrise killed several of them and left them for Twilight to find.

… Thanks for that image… That’s… nice…

… I need a moment…

…

…

…

…

Okay, I’m good…

That was actually a powerful scene. Very emotional and very heartbreaking. This scene showed us that the main six failed. Something that is so rarely done well in stories. It shows for the first time that the main six and the citizens of Equestria are completely vulnerable. And it is done spectacularly.

…

…

… Too bad it’s completely undermined by the epilogue. Yeah, the epilogue undermines this very powerful moment.

We see all these positive things going on. Sweetie Belle recovering, the Apples visiting the graves their parents, Fluttershy’s animals return to normal, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash promising to remember the children who died to their enemy, and Twilight stating her resolve to bring down Dracula.

This should have been the moment that broke the main six’s spirits. They are supposed to be the heroes of Equestria and they failed. Even with all their planning, all their skills, and all their effort they failed. This should hit them a lot harder than it does in this epilogue. They act like it’s an everyday occurrence when it should be something that cripples them.

I know that you are trying to end on a positive note, but any positive note you end on, unless it is the kids miraculously come back to life, it’s going to undermine what just happened. There should be 127 sets of parents banging on Twilight door demanding to know what happened and why their children had to die.

This should be a very defeating moment for these characters and I never felt that this situation was a big deal for them, so why should it be a big deal for me? Maybe it’s explained better in the sequels, but it would have been so much better if the story had ended before the epilogue.

THIS STORY…

…is actually pretty damn good.

While there are parts that I didn’t like and some things that I do question, there was a lot to enjoy in this story.

It had great atmosphere, good pacing, a great cast, good action and it was downright scary.

The story was dripping with atmosphere, giving you a sense of hopelessness as the story progressed. It was constantly keeping you on your toes and constantly frightening you.

And while there are references to the Castlevania series throughout, it never felt overwhelmed at any time. It flowed with the story and explained only what was necessary. And even if you’ve never heard of Castlevania, it gave enough details to the vague references that you wouldn’t be lost, or it was universal enough to make sense.

The only time I felt that the references were bad was in the middle with the ‘Super Mario’ reference. If someone had never played that game, they wouldn’t understand the reference, but that’s nitpicking.

Like I said, the ending hurt it a bit for me, because it tried to be dark and emotional, but then instantly trying to be light hearted. That’s like saying “Oh, your daddy died. Oh, look puppy!”

That doesn’t work for me and it kills the emotion we’re supposed to feel.

Overall, an enjoyable story if you are looking for something scary and dark, with plenty of twist, turns and surprises. If you haven’t had a chance to check it out this Nightmare Month, make sure you do it next one.

And that is Nightmare Month. Thank you all for joining me. We had some fun here this night. But I must rest for a year. The night is near its end, making way for the sunlight. And like all creatures of the night, I must sleep until the nightmares come again.

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The Lost Prince

The door burst open with a violent shove. Five fucking months for nothing! He threw the heavy book in his hooves across the room. Like a pebble on a gentle stream, it skipped across the floor landing in front of a large monitor with computerized eyes, hanging from what looked like a large robotic arm.

“You seemed troubled, sir?” Computer asked.

He gave an annoyed smiled. “Oh, really? You think, Computer?” His grinning face vanished, leaving only his usual scowling frown. “Five months I’ve been working on that story and what do the publishers do?! They fucking reject it! Again!”

Computer picked up the book from the ground with one of her robotic arms from the wall. “Did they at least give a reason?”

He walked inside, slamming the door on his way in. “’It’s not what we are looking for in a story’,” he said in a mocking high pitch tone. “I give them something they can put in a story.”

“I am sorry to hear that, sir. But you should be proud of yourself. I know how hard you worked on this.”

He shook his head, placing his hoof on above his brow. “Whatever. I don’t care. Burn it.”

Computer looked up to him as she flipped through the pages of his book. “Sir, you cannot be serious.”

He made his way to his spot on the ground and looked up to her. “It’s my book I can do whatever the hell I want with it! Burn it!”

Computer’s eyes created a scowl like image. “No, sir. That is something I will not do. I will not have you throw away five months of your life.”

A disappointment. That’s what that story was. Nothing, but a disappointment. And yet, she would rather keep it? Maybe as an insult to him. He shook his head and scoffed. “Fine, do what you want with it. But don’t ever show it to me again.”

Computer took the book into one of the walls, where the pocket dimension, as he called, stored such things that Computer did not want him to have access to. Such as his shotgun. What he wouldn’t give to go out and shoot something with it. But according to Computer and Celestia, that would be irresponsible.

He slammed his head against the ground, secretly hoping his head would burst open and his brain would spill out to the floor. However, his skull remained intact. He thought about doing it again, but as the searing pain stretched across his forehead, he decided against it.

“Okay, what’s on the agenda for today?”

“The Lost Prince by Pinkman24”

With those words, he thought that hitting his face against the ground would be a more pleasant way to spend his afternoon.

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Prince.

Sorry, let me try that again. A prince. Something that’s not often seen in My Little Pony fan fiction. And by not very often, I mean all the time.

And today our story is no different. That’s right. Our main character for this story is a prince. While I’m not entirely opposed to it, it has to be done well and with care if it is to succeed. Just like most OC royalties that we see. And it isn’t made better when it turns out they are the lost brother/son/cousin twice removed of the normal Princesses, without a really good reason of why they wouldn’t explain why they don’t mention him.

And fortunately for you guys, this story does just that. It’s a festering pile of shit that I get to read for you. I hope you guys appreciate the sacrifices I make for you.

Sorry, I’m not in a particularly good mood today and this story is not going to help me any. So, let’s get this over with…

Before we get into the story, let’s take a moment to look at the description. This is how to turn off readers, if any of you are interested in making sure your view and likes count stay low.

The Young prince Roy ( Not lieutenant colonel Roy get your head out of the anime) Sets off on a Journey away from Canterlot. Roy will be facing many torturous challenges along the way to find out what he is and why he is alive. While Roy is a 7 year old colt he can handle himself well, but not as well as other colt's though, because he has been pampered all his life without any proper training. Roy does have an unnatural ability that many ponies don't call normal, so most ponies consider Roy a changeling. ( This story is taken from Roy's POV )

How Roy looks, and what he knows: silvery blue mane, darkened blue skin, Silvery blue tail, stainless steel horseshoes, No cutie mark on flank, Was trained to use simple magic,

Ooooooooh…. Where to even begin?

First off, it’s written poorly. Many caps and grammar errors are thrown throughout this thing. It’s clear he quickly wrote it in five minutes, but didn’t bother to look at it twice.

Second, Roy is 7 years old, but can take care of himself? Bullshit! Unless he was raised his whole life by apes, I’m not going to buy it!

Third, unnatural abilities? Heh, I wonder how long it will take to use those abilities to make up whatever rules he likes as well as not use them in situations where he clearly should have.

Fourth, why are telling us what point of view this takes place from? As soon as a reader opens the story, it should be obvious where the point of view is coming from. Why did you feel you had to explain that in the description and not in the actual story.

Fifth, why are you describing to us what your character looks like in a description?! This should be in the story! Everything about the characters, plot, and settings should all be in the story! Not in the description! The description is what draws readers in, it shouldn’t be the only fountain of information about certain elements!

Sixth, what anime are you referring to? If someone hasn’t seen the anime, how would you get the reference?! It forces someone to look on Wikipedia to know what your joke is about. Someone like me, who probably doesn’t watch it, misses the joke. By the way, the Roy I think of that is a prince is this one…

Unless you are doing a Fire Emblem/MLP crossover, I’m not particularly interested in your story!

We start our story proper with the main character doing what all main characters do in these types of stories; drowning in angst.

Here I am laying in my bed. Not knowing what I am going to make of myself tomorrow. Am i going to go out into town, or I don't know study up on my duty's as an alicorn. All this seems so complicated to me.

Wait, so you don’t know study? I assume you mean, you are asking yourself if you should study on what to do as an alicorn, but that is not easily made clear. All this seems so complicated to me.

Someones opening the door I had better be quite.

Quite? Quite what? Annoying? Yes, you are quite annoying and so is the writing.

"Roy are you  still awake?" Celestia says as she pokes her head through the door.

"Yes." I reply trying to sound tired.

Why are you trying to sound tired? Is it so you can make Celestia feel bad about waking you up, or you just want to be left alone? At what point did you establish that?!

Anyway, Celestia explains that after their parent’s died (yes, Roy is related to Celestia and Luna. Called it) that Celestia was given charge of the sun and Luna was given charge of the moon. However, Roy didn’t get something for himself, his parents saying that he has to find that out on his own. Because his parents hated him as much as I do right now.

Roy takes this pretty well.

"get out." I reply to her in a soft voice

"Why Roy?" Celestia asks wondering what has gotten into me

”Get Out!” I roar at her from under my blankets

Using a bigger size font makes me seem more intense! That is why I use it all the time through this story.

Oh and I’m not even kidding, rather than letting the words, speech, tone and descriptions speak for themselves, he uses the font size for every single character that yells out something.

"HELLO ROY!"  Luna says in her regular booming voice.

”MY EARS! I scream trying to sound just as loud.

"LUNA COME RAISE THE MOON!"

BUT NOW I'M LEFT WITH NOTHING. I scream out in frustration.

There is no purpose for it! It’s trying to be fancy, but it comes off as annoying.

Then and there celestia left me laying there with tears in my eyes. I didn't want her to see me cry, but why were my own parents unable to tell this to my face were they really that heartbroken they were unable to tell me so they sent celestia.

Um… probably because they were dead? Wow, for a pony who can supposedly take care of himself, you seem to be pretty bad at catching details. Unless, somepony is in denial and keeps his parent’s corpses around, and we all know how that turns out.

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I don’t care if Nightmare Month is over. This is still a good scene from a good movie and it would make this story a lot more interesting.

I woke up the next morning changed. I went grabbed my breakfast, and went back to my room locked the door with my wings and ate in silence while thinking to myself.

What exactly is he thinking to himself?

…

…

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

"Roy you sent for me, and can you open up." I look up with interest as the head of the guards finally knocks on the door.

"Sure" I reply trying to hint nothing to the plan I had just hatched.

What plan?! You haven’t hinted at anything! There has been no thought process, no scheming, nothing! You’re trying to do a mystery, but you forgot to give us clues to the mystery! Have you never watch Scooby Doo?! A mystery needs clues!

"Why was the door locked? were you doing something?" The head of the guard tries to say this with a small grin popping onto his face.

Roy: I wasn’t writing fan fiction about me and Twilight banging each other! Where did you get that crazy idea?!

Roy asks the guard if he would be willing to teach him how to fly. The guard is hesitant, even though he is an alicorn and he should know how, but Roy convinces him otherwise. I’m not sure why he doesn’t go to his older sister, Celestia, but hey, the story hasn’t made sense yet.

The guard takes Roy outside and explains that Roy has never used his wings. He forces him to do some exercises to get his wings going. Roy performs as followed and in 10 seconds, he is able to hover off the ground.

You know, because that’s how muscles work! I could do 10 push-ups right now and then go out and lift a truck over my head! That’s how muscles work!

It takes time! Muscles are something that need to be built over time! You can’t just do one pull up or run one mile and be able to perform ten. It takes time to do that, and this insults any hard working athlete by saying if you can’t do it on your first try, you’re an idiot! Screw you, story!

So, after all that by the end of the day, as if the author couldn’t piss me off any more, Roy is able to fly, not very fast I will grant you, but still fly. One day! One fucking day! Flying is difficult, my ass! One fucking day and he’s flying!

Bull fucking shit! Especially since you made this whole speech about “flying is hard”!

As the night falls, Roy takes his new flying talent and goes out to find out what his purpose in life is. Because, you know, a seven year old thinks about these kinds of things? What, didn’t you when you were seven?

Credits go to: FreeKissForAll on deviantart for base.

Pony-Bases-For-All on Deviantart for mane and tail.

Young Critique: I’m gonna be superhero when I grow up! Just like Spider-Man!

Oh, I am adorable…

So, the prince flies off and avoids some of the guards, because a pony who just learned to fly today, can avoid pegasi who have been flying for years now. I really hate this story.

The prince manages to find a forest that he can hide in and the guards don’t chase him because they are too scared to go in. Equestria’s finest. They can’t fight Changelings, and spooky forests are too much for them. When you start to think about it, Equestria’s military kind of sucks.

"THERE'S THE PRINCE AFTER EM!" Says one of the guards in the patrol.

Prince After Em, for your crimes against Equestria, we sentence you to Mary Sue prison, where you will be executed via chainsaw by the Critique.

As he makes his way through the Everfree forest, Roy spots a Changeling … Taking a dump?

Eww…

The Queen of the Changelings spots him and orders her troops to catch him and kill him. However, before they can make this story infinitely shorter, Roy is able to cast a spell that turns him from an alicorn to a pegasi. Yeah. Yeah, that’s never explained. No really reason why he would do that. No way that he would know that they wouldn’t kill him if he did that. No reason why he would even know what a Changeling was. Pretty knowledgeable pony for somepony who has never been out of the palace and is only seven years old. I wonder what other things a seven year old would know.

And you can find out by checking out my “Ask Young Critique” Blog.

My younger self will answer questions like, “Are we alone in the universe?”

Young Critique: No, we live with the Gorns and the Daleks.

“How do you know when you’ve had too much chocolate?”

Young Critique: When you barf it all up…

“What are my chances of getting with Twilight Sparkle?”

Eww… cooties!

Go ahead and check it out. In the meantime, I will continue suffering.

Anyway, like I said, the Changelings decide not to kill him, because they believe that he is one of them. Why they don’t just tell him to give up his disguise and look like a normal Changeling is anyone’s guess at this point.

And then the Changelings just leave. … Well, that was pointless. Don’t worry though, there is more pointless Changeling action to come!

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Roy continues to wander the woods wondering how he will get his horn back. Frankly, I’m still wondering how he lost it in the first place!

Roy then runs into a group of Diamond Dogs, the ‘ironically’ named kind, and the dogs bully him for drinking their water. However, the seven year old seems to take it pretty well considering they are probably four times his size, but hey, why would this story know how to write realistic characters?

Speaking of unrealistic, the seven year old takes out and kills a fully grown Diamond Dog… Without any kind of magic, whatsoever. Say it with me kids…

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Anyway, after committing murder, the seven year old gets attacked by a horde of Changelings, even though we already established that they have no interest in him. Consistency?! What’s that?!

But he manages to outfly them, even though he is only seven years old and only learned to fly a night ago.

He manages to escape the flying horde and comes across a hut to rest. We then get an author’s note, explaining the whole story.

Author's Note:

There is the 2nd part a very beautiful well made chapter in my eyes that is amazing and i can't describe it through words, but it put that feeling you get from a good reading.

This is either a troll fic or it was written by the same author who wrote “Harry Potter turns to the Lord”. The way he praises his story like this, I wouldn’t be all that surprised.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the seven year old has found Zecora’s hut and here’s where we butcher rhyming and all its glory.

"Who is this pony that has popped in through my roof for a visit?" She said in a curious tone. "You seem to have been going through the forest alone at such a young age my little pony."

"Do my eyes fail me or is this the little alicorn who ran off from the castle the other day?" She said staring from my horn to my wings.

"No need for any hasty movements your already in bad enough shape." She replied helping me onto a bed.

I sort of feel bad about insulting Zecora’s dialogue in Flutterhulk now.

Yeah, the author doesn’t even attempt to rhyme any of the lines Zecora has. It’s like he couldn’t think of rhymes, so he didn’t bother. There are websites that can help you rhyme you know! It’s not like they’re the plague! Also, isn’t it kind of pointless to put Zecora in your story, but not do the one thing that makes her unique as a character?

Another thing I want to mention before I get too far is the formatting of the story. See if you can spot it from this paragraph.

"So your name is Zecora, and your a zebra in Equestria. I thought zebras lived else where, and not in Equestria." I tell her while the feeling starts to come back from my numb wings. "Yes, and do you mind telling me your name little alicorn, and why you ran away from the castle?" Zecora asked mixing a few herbs in a mixing bowl. "Me, Celestia, and Luna's parents died, and the night after Celestia came to where i was suppose to be sleeping on that horrid night. She told me that my parents were unable to figure out what I was supposed to with my life before they died. What really got me angry was they didn't tell it to my face. My own parents were unable to, so there's your reason."

There should be a new paragraph every time a new character speaks! This one makes it confusing as hell to tell who is talking! At first, I thought the whole thing was the seven year old, but no, Zecora cuts in halfway and then it goes back to him.

It makes it confusing for the reader when there isn’t a new paragraph with each character speaking! And the weird part is this hasn’t been a problem until this chapter! Did you just give up, story? … I mean, not that you tried hard to begin with!

Anyway, as the paragraph stated, the seven year old explains that he ran away because his parents didn’t tell them what his purpose in life was before they died. And here’s why this doesn’t really hold any water for me.

We aren’t told how the parents died! Were they sick?! Was it an accident?! What happened?! We don’t sympathize with this because we don’t know why the parents didn’t tell him! Was it because their death was sudden?! Or were they on their deathbeds?!

I assume the latter, but again, it should be in the story! I shouldn’t have to assume why I should be sympathetic to the main character!

Urgh… Zecora invites him to stay with her until he gets his strength back, when suddenly the main six burst in because they’ve gone through the Poison Joke again. Must be a slow week for them.

Pinkie Pie then accuses the seven year old of being a Changeling.

"Zecora! You have a changeling in your bed!

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Zecora explains that he isn’t a Changeling, I’m not really sure how she would know that since it is never brought up in their conversation, and the seven year old is kind of a dick in this scene. Applejack overreacts to hearing a Changeling and the seven year old says this.

"Would you please stop calling me a changeling I have had a rough time these past few days, and I don't need anymore struggles for my life."

Hold on… Just give me a second…

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Keep telling your sob story, I’m listening…

Anyway, Derpy makes her cameo by bringing mail to Zecora’s hut. I had no idea Ponyville mail delivered to the Everfree Forest, where there are dangerous creatures. Maybe Derpy gets hazard pay because of it.

Skimming through the mail, they find out that Celestia had put out a “Missing Pony” for the seven year old. Yes, I know his name, but frankly, I don’t care at this point. The seven year old tries to get away, but Rainbow Dash catches him easily. They explain why they need to take him back to Canterlot, but the seven year old isn’t having any of it.

And since all the main characters went through the Poison Joke, I assume that their brains have been sucked out of their skulls, because all of a sudden, they decide they are too busy to deal with this problem and leave to sort it out tomorrow. Yeah, I’m sure Princess Celestia would be okay with you not telling her the location of her missing younger brother!

Oh, and if you thought this story was bad before, get a load of this author’s note.

I have to say I did a nice job on this chapter and hopefully I do an even better job on the next with maybe a bit more violence, and bit more how should I put it 'blood'

Oh, god. He can’t even do serious scenes right. Violent scenes are going to be a nightmare. And put it blood? Does that mean you are going to condemn your story?! Because I’d be okay with that!

So, the seven year old decides to stay the night at Zecora’s, risking the main six taking him back to Celestia the next day.

Although Twilight probably should have written a letter to Celestia and told her about where he was, and Celestia would be on her way right then and there, but let’s face it, the author doesn’t care about his story, why the hell should I?

And apparently, he got his horn back. Yeah, never really explained, just sort of happens. Wonderful.

Zecora, actually this isn’t Zecora, so I’m going to call her Dipshit, Dipshit explains that the main six won’t take him back to Canterlot, even though that is the first thing they should do, but again, doesn’t care.

Dipshit asks the seven year old to go out in the forest, alone with no defense of any kind or any support, and find her a leaf. See why she is called Dipshit? Because that was the move of a dipshit!

The seven year old goes out and runs into trouble. Maybe Dipshit hoped that the seven year old would die in the middle of the forest. What? It’s something I would do too.

Suddenly, A wild Changeling appears…

Credits for: Applejack Sprite Vaniljamelodia

Changeling Sprite DMN666

Yeah, I wish.

So, the changeling is easily murdered by the seven year old. And we wonder why he is unrealistic and unlikable?

The main six appear and apparently were watching the entire fight, letting the seven year old fight the adult Changeling on his own. Dicks.

Or maybe they were like Dipshit and just really wanted to see him die?

They don’t even reacting to the fact that the seven year old murdered the changeling in front of them, probably should question that more since the kid is probably a psychopath.

Actually, it turns out that the changeling was a clone that Twilight made with her magic. Though that doesn’t really explain the blood in this scene or make any sense whatsoever!

I mean, come fucking on! Why would they do this?! They say it’s to see if he is a Changeling or not, and I call bullshit! There was no reason that Twilight tried to kill him! There was no reason to go and make a clone of a Changeling for him to fight! There are a hundred different ways they could have resolved this! Use a spell to see if he reacts and changes to a Changeling, just like in the Canterlot Wedding episode. Send a letter to Princess Celestia seeing if he has this mysterious power!

Why did they have to resort to a Changeling clone trying to kill him?! It makes the main six look like absolutely assholes, making them completely out of character and allows the seven year old to experience murder! Of course, any sensible story would have the main six concerned about how much joy the seven year old gets out of murdering somepony, but no, the story isn’t that clever!

So, the main six finally introduce themselves.

"I'm pinkie pie the best party pony you will ever meet!" Said pinkie in a tone telling me she wants party.

Cheese Sandwich…

Awwww, do I have to get my violin out?

"I'm twilight sparkle Celestia's most faithful student" Said Twilight in a tone that explains nothing about her usual self.

I could have explained who the characters are, but… Nah.

"And i'm applejack of sweet apple acres." Says Applejack licking her lips probably thinking about apples.

…

I’ve really got to stop using those clips.

Anyway, the group arrive back at Dipshit’s hut and explain that since he outwitted (not sure where any intelligence came from) the Changeling, that the seven year old would have no trouble outwitting the main six.

I think I just lost half my brain in one sentence.

That morning I was woken up by PinkiePie of all ponies it was PinkiePie.

This sentence makes no sense, seven year old. You are an idiot!

Pinkie Pie invites the seven year old to Sugar Cube Corner, and it’s here that I have to point out the dialogue for the seven year old.

"Sure Pinkie I have always wanted to see a place other than this accursed place I happened to run in on my second day away from the castle."

Let me ask you this, how many seven year olds do you know talk like this? None! Seven year olds do not talk like this! When writing children characters, you have to make them talk like children! They have to act like children! They need to feel like children! This seven year old doesn’t feel like he’s seven, he feels like he’s a smartass 13 year old!

The seven year old points out the flaw in Pinkie’s Plan, but Pinkie has the solution. Throw a cloak over him.

Ah, the dark cloak in a brightly colored town disguise. I’m sure you won’t stick out in anyway.

They make their way to Ponyville, where the seven year old states how good it feels not to be the center of attention. At what point in the story does it state that he was upset about it?! WE DON’T EVEN… You know what, I don’t care.

When they arrive Mrs. Cake says that she has to travel to Fillydelphia to gather some supplies.

Are you seriously saying that Mrs. Cake is going to walk all the way to Fillydelphia?! I suppose she could take a train, but how would she carry her supplies?! Don’t they have shipping companies that deliver most of the stuff for her?! Why does she have to travel to fucking Fillydelpha?! Unless she is just looking for some exercise, lord knows she could use it.

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Okay, okay, I admit that was low. That was really low.

And you wonder why ponies do not like you very much.

Pinkie invites the seven year old how to make cupcakes and takes her into the basement.

Yep, it’s reenacting the ‘Cupcakes’ scene. Okay, this is the one exception I will let slide, if Pinkie Pie (despite it being so out of character that it defies logic) kills the seven year old with the Cupcake formula, I’d be okay with that.

Pinkie Pie starts to try and cut off the seven year old's horn, but he manages to use his magic to break free of his restraints and gets out alive.

Damn it, the one time! ONE FUCKING TIME AND YOU BLEW IT!

He manages to make it to his bed without telling Twilight, Dipshit, or his sister about what just happened. Why doesn’t he tell them what happened?! THERE IS A PSYCOTIC MURDERER AFTER YOU! GO TELL SOMEPONY! DO IT BEFORE SHE CAN THREATEN YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE!

And he is threatened by Pinkie Pie in the middle of the night not to tell anyone. See? Told you.

Author's Note:

I have always been a fan of the dark stuff in the mlp world, and I just wanted to do a bit of that to see how good I would do with the help of a well known psychopath that loves cupcakes pinkamena!

The original interpretation sucks and your version is worse.

So, naturally after nearly being killed by Changelings, assaulted by Diamond Dogs, tied to a basement and threatened to be cut open, as well as murdering a Changeling Clone and a Diamond Dog, the seven years old's psyche is actually holding up pretty well. He’s seems to have taken the constant threat on his life thing in stride.

What was that?

You’re complaining that it’s unrealistic and therefore doesn’t make for an interesting story? … You think that he should have some mental and psychological scaring? Pfft, where’d you get that stupid idea?!

While exploring the Everfree Forest, a few days after his incident with Pinkie Pie, because why should we have to worry about psychological scarring in this story, he gets attacked by the Diamond Dogs and locked in a cell.

The Diamond Dogs recognize him as the one who killed their brother, and quick question, was it really wise to attack the seven year old who killed a full adult Diamond Dog?

Anyway, the Diamond Dogs decide they are going to gut him, but the seven year old manages to use his magic to defeat them, because the god’s demanded it.

What? It’s a better explanation than what we are getting!

He then manages his way to where the Diamond Dogs gathered and decides to take them out.

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He returns to Dipshit’s hut where she doesn’t really seem all that bothered that he just murdered an entire legion of Diamond Dogs.

He goes back to Pinkie Pie, which of course doesn’t make any sense since the last time he was there Pinkie Pie almost ate him, but whatever. He pretty much doesn’t have a reason to be there either. He just explains that he’s not like Pinkie Pie and is not insane and doesn’t have a lust for blood.

Tell that to the hundreds of Diamond Dogs that lay dead because of your ‘innocence’.

I wanted to give the diamond dogs a bit of thanks for helping me on the second chapter, because I have never really liked them, and for all you people that think a pony's buck wouldn't be able to kill try getting bucked by one it hurts, and I know first hand, because I have been bucked by one before.

Wait… are you convinced that the Diamond Dogs are real? You do realize that those characters in the show… aren’t real? Because they aren’t.

Also, I’m sure you’ve been bucked by a horse before. Primarily in the head. It would certainly explain a lot.

He flies back to Dipshit’s place where Dipshit is nowhere to be found. As he stays in the hut waiting for Dipshit, he overhears two stallions talking about the so called Rainbow Factory they want to take the seven year old to.

Yes, in case you are wondering, he’s ripping off Rainbow Factory too. Looks like ripping off Cupcakes wasn’t enough. He had to rip off two terrible stories.

The two ponies spot him and despite his best efforts to escape them, they manage to catch him and put him in a sack. So the prince is able to take out an army of Diamond Dogs, but he can’t handle two stallions?

Whatever, the story is almost over.

The two ponies bring the seven year old to the Rainbow Factory and Rainbow Dash explains that he is going to be grounded up into a rainbow.

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Wait, I didn’t say that! It’s just a pizza party! There’s punch and cookies by the door!

However, the seven year old explains that because he defeated Pinkie Pie and her attempt on his life that Rainbow Dash will fail. And she agrees. … Yeah, even though Rainbow Dash clearly says that the seven year old would make multiple rainbows because he is an alicorn, she decides to let him go. So, much for that promotion, eh, Rainbow?

Good lord, this story just keeps going! There is no end in sight!

So, Lyra arrives at Dipshit’s hut explaining she is in search of humans and then leaves… Don’t know why that was essential to the story.

Anyway, the seven year old wanders off and is attacked by a group of Changelings! God, what is it with the Changelings in this story?! Did they kill your parents or something?!

Anyway, after killing them, the seven year old goes off to find Twilight. Which ultimately comes to nothing! God, it’s like the author is just continuing to write to piss me off!

So, it seems that… TEN YEARS HAVE PASSED?!

What… I… Just… What… Huh?

AT WHAT POINT DID WE INDICATE ANY TIME HAS PASSED?! Yeah, it says that a few days have passed, but are you saying that 10 years have passed and Celestia hasn’t figured out where her little brother is?! Maybe she’s hoping that he has died on his own! It certainly would explain why she doesn’t talk about him to the main six!

He kills another Changeling like they are the fucking devil, goes to Ponyville and buys himself a home.

However, the house is all run down. But of course, that’s okay, because the seven year old (I don’t care if he is seventeen by this point) has been taking carpenter lessons from Thunder Ice, repairing it out of rocks.

He manages to turn the place into a forge and our story ends with him finally earning his cutie mark. AT WHAT POINT DID WE EVER INDICATE THAT HE WAS EVER INTERESTING IN FORGING ARMOR AND WEAPONS?!

JESUS FUCK!

And then to top it all off, we get one more author’s note…

Author's Note:

I would have finished this sooner if I had not been an idiot, and stayed up all night, and slept all god damn day. at the least i got it finished so I can work on the second story of Roy's life.

I would have preferred you not been an idiot and never had written this story in the first place…

This story sucks!

Forget the fact that it’s poorly written. What the hell was even the point of this?! I guess it’s about finding his special talent, but there wasn’t really a focus on that! There wasn’t him trying different things to find out what his lot in life is! There wasn’t even a point where he studied forging. He didn’t forge any weapons, he didn’t forge any armor, there was never any practice into it, there wasn’t even any mention of any forging until the final fucking chapter when he says he became a forger, because the god’s demanded it!

And even if there had been, it would have all played backseat to all the pointless fight scenes! Seriously, I don’t think the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy has as many fights scenes! None of them are good! None of them are entertaining! None of them add anything as far as the character except that maybe he enjoys murder! It’s just filler! Stupid filler!

If you are going to have a fight scene, have a point to it! Like Mare of Steel and Equestrylvania! Those stories had great fight scenes and didn’t make any of it pointless!

You know what else they did?! They spaced the fights out! Every time there was a fight scene, there was usually a break in-between them adding to the plot and characters! This story doesn’t do that! It’s just go from one fight scene to the next! And it makes this story, ironically, really fucking boring!

The character of Roy is one of the blandest characters I’ve ever read. He’s not interesting for all that he does. He’s unrealistic. He’s barely interacts with other characters, with the exception of Changelings who he murders with extreme prejudice!

Involving Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory was just stupid! They served nothing to the overall plot of the story and they are just pointless references to what are already bad stories! But as bad as those are, they are not as stupid as this piece of shit!

A terrible story and a stupid character who at the end of the story has no point of existing!

***

He was dangerous. That why he had to be locked away. Locked away deep in the dungeons of Unicornicopia. His strength, rage and aggression made him impossible to predict… and to control. But control is what the Grand Ruler needed. If nothing else, to at least , aim his rage.

Deep under the castle of Unicornicopia, he descended down the long spiral staircase, his wings making his trip infinitely easier. At the ground floor, two unicorns stood upright, giving an honoring salute to their Grand Ruler.

He nodded, his three horns glowing. The door creaked open. The Grand Ruler stepped through the doorway to a short hallway. A pillar of light shined through the doorway revealing a large metallic door. A large lock hanging pompously off the door, like a lock to a vault. However, instead of housing riches, it housed one of the most dangerous humans to ever see Equestria and Unicornicopia.

With a twitch of his eyes, his horn illuminated the dark. Metallic clicks filled the air around him as the vault lock turned slowly. Inch by inch the lock turned, until finally it gave off a loud clicks followed by a screeched that sounded like metal being rubbed against metal.

As the door squealed open like they were in agony due to their large weight, a small room appeared with a small cage inside. The cage was made entirely of wood. From the bars to the floor. Everything.

Inside this cage, sat a human. Male. At least, that is what the Grand Ruler assumed. He had no interest in human anatomy. Nor would he ever be. But some of them had their uses.

The Grand Ruler approached the cage, looking down at the man, sitting in is corner.

The human looked up from his aimless spot, staring the Grand Ruler in the eye. “Well, the jailer finally comes to visit. Am I supposed to be honored?”

The Grand Ruler shook his head. “Most would be locked away forever for the damage you have caused. Destroying a large section of my perfect cities.”

The human narrowed his brow. “And here I thought I was being restricted,” he replied with an impertinent tone. “Good to know I’m special.”

The Grand Ruler gave a smile. “You are special. More special than you realize.” He made his way to a corner of the cage, keeping his gaze on the human. He was a muscular man, but that was nothing to the power that laid within him. He was far stronger than any stallion or pony could ever be. Whatever made him strong was not anything from Unicornicopia. But that did not mean it couldn’t be utilized. “And I realize you are looking for something.”

The man shifted his weight a bit. Obviously, he was disturbed by what the Grand Ruler said. “Or should I say… somepony.”

The man shoot to his feet, hunched over to not hit his head against the roof. “How do you know I’m looking for a pony?!”

“I know a great many things,’ the Grand Ruler replied. “The love of your life. Romantic Lily.”

The man rushed to the side of the cage. Despite his speed, the Grand Ruler’s wings were faster, taking him above the cage, keeping him out of reach of the man’s enormous arms. He growled as he pressed against the cage bars, but the bars stood sturdy. “What do you know about her?”

The Grand Ruler put his hand up and speaks. “Calm down. I know where she is.” His wings place himself gently on the ground. “She has been abducted.”

The man’s eyes widen as the news reaches his ears. Within a second, his eyes turn into a scowling glare, his grip around the bars tighten. “Who kidnapped her?”

The Grand Ruler’s horn begins to glow as a single image appears from his grand robe. It levitates to the cage, the human swiping it from the air. “This stallion has kidnapped her.”

The image contained a green stallion with black rimmed glasses placed on his nose. A purple scarf wrapped around his neck and a black mane and tail. His scowling face made him look like a villain.

“Who is this?!” the man’s booming voice echoed around them.

The Grand Ruler lowered his head. “He is called the Critique. And he is a very dangerous stallion.” He closes his eyes, slowly. “I fear for her safety.”

The man shakes the bars, allowing the photo to flutter out of his hands. “Let me out of this prison and I’ll make sure she stays safe!”

The Grand Ruler turns away. “No, I cannot do that. My soldiers have already tried to defeat him.” He shook his head. “But failed. I cannot risk another to fall to Equestria.”

“But you know what I can do!” the man screamed, the metal prison surrounding the two bouncing his voice back to them. “You think one stallion will stop me, when your army couldn’t?”

The Grand Ruler smiled. He turned back to the human, his horn glowing. “You truly are her knight in shining armor.”

The cage’s lock releases and the door slides open, allowing the man to step out of his prison. “Where do I find him?”

As the man stood up, he looks like a giant. His muscular build exposed from his black shirt gives him the appearance of a body builder.

The Grand Ruler pointed out the door to the rest of the castle. “He is on the edge of Ponyville. Where the old library once stood.”

The Grand Ruler turned to the giant. “I trust you can find it from there.”

The man nodded and with a quick sprint, he escaped into the other room, out of sight of the Grand Ruler. “And thus, the brave knight known as Daimon, rushes off to rescue his beloved, Romantic Lily, from the terrifying grip of the evil wizard, the Critique. And he stands over his broken body with his arms wrapped around his love, safely out of the dark one’s clutches.”

He looks up to the heavens. “Their lips press against one another and they live happily ever after.”

Cielo's Secret

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

AND MY INCREDIBLE FLUTTERHULK JUST GOT 1000 VIEWS!

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I’m the only one who cares about that, aren’t I?

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Huff… Okay, let’s just do the review…

Falling in love with a princess isn’t that all uncommon for writers. I personally have a thing for Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

Oh, if only you were a pony.

But something I’ve noticed about reviews I’ve done for the past few months is that most stories involving romance with the Princesses of Equestria, typically involve Luna over Celestia.

Why is that? I would have thought that most writers would want to be with Celestia. After all, she’s the head honcho! She’s got the most power and authority! I’m not trying to dis on Luna or anything, but when I look back at the stories I’ve reviewed, I see that most of the OC characters have a thing for Luna.

Ninja from Enter the Ninja. Silver Haze from A Haze in Equestria. Soren the Alicorn.

And while Celestia does have one where romance is the focus, it’s also written by Mykan. Yeah, so you can see why I’m not particularly fond of CelestiaXGrand Ruler, when its written by the guy who won’t get over TerraXBeast Boy from Teen Titans.

I’m sure there are tons of stories out there with the Celestia forced romance shtick, I’m sure I’ll get to those sometime down the road.

However, most of the issue for the characters falling in love with these Princesses, is that most of them are rather forced or unrealistic.

Ninja and Luna barely shared a sentence together. Silver Haze had the love triangle and spent more time with Twilight than he did with Luna. And Soren… well, Soren is basically a child in the body of an adult and under the age of consent, so it really becomes iffy.

It’s pretty bad when compared to those three stories with Luna, the Mykan story of Celestia and the Grand Ruler is actually more realistic. I’m not saying it’s good by any means, it still suffers a lot of the problems the other stories have, but I at least can buy it more than I can Ninja and Luna, who never even talked to each other.

Hopefully, today’s story will get me to change my mind about that said romance. So, let’s dig into Cielo’s Secret by DijoCurry

Groans could be heard down the halls, where the resting chambers of the Night Princess Luna resided.

Wow, we did not waste any time, did we, story? The first sentence and already the promise of sex has been fulfilled.

Actually, it turns out that Luna is suffering from nightmares, but let’s be honest, what was the first thing that went through your mind when you read that first sentence? I guarantee you it wasn’t a nightmare.

It turns out she is being tormented by Nightmare Moon, who is haunting her with her past crimes.

Nightmare Moon: Feel the dark powers within you, Luna and bail on the tip! That waiter was rude and scatterbrained!

Luna wakes up from her nightmares, but is clearly shaken up by them and Celestia believes she has to do something.

It did not take long for her over protective older sister to begin meddling in Luna’s affairs again.

“Meddling in Luna’s affairs?” “Overprotective?” Celestia spent 1000 years over the guilt that she couldn’t help her sister! She raised the moon every night for 1000 years berating herself that she couldn’t do anything to keep her sister from succumbing to dark powers! 365000 nights she spent as the guilt festered within her over not seeing how arrogant she was!

It’s perfectly understandable why she is overprotective and cautious! This is going to be one of those, ‘Luna rules, Celestia drools’ fics, isn’t it? Do kids still say that now-a-days?

So, Celestia orders a guard to watch over Luna while she sleeps. I don’t really see how this would help. It’s not like he can physically go into her dreams while she is asleep. Wouldn’t you recommend a psychiatrist first?

Luna, however, claims that she can take care of herself and doesn’t want Celestia’s help. Now, this doesn’t really bother me that much since Luna would most likely want to do things on her own, since the last time she was in Equestria, she nearly hurt those she cared about. If she was working alone, then ponies wouldn’t have to get hurt due to her mistakes. Also, there would be proving herself to her sister that she has changed and won’t travel down that path of evil.

The story doesn’t outright say that, but I’ll let it slide for now.

Luna tries to rest before she needs to raise the moon, but continues to be haunted by nightmares.

Luna: Oh, god, I had a dream where I was forced to monologue about how much I am in love with this mysterious ninja, who contributes nothing to the overall story!

Celestia overhears what is going on and rushes to her sister’s bedside. Luna awakens explaining that she is alright and that she just wants to do her job.

We then are told what happens as the weeks pass by, and I really mean told. We get hints at what is bothering Luna, from the Nightmare Moon armor being displayed (which doesn’t make any sense, since Luna made the armor a part of her) and Twilight being crowned. We are told these things bothered Luna, but I would have liked to see them built up more. They could have been used to build up Luna’s frustration and anger and see why she is feeling the way she is.

Also, we are told that Nightmare Moon is brainwashing her, but we aren’t actually show that. We aren’t told what Nightmare Moon is tormenting her with. I assume, it’s the mistakes she’s made, but it’d be nice to actually see that event.

Maybe Nightmare Moon isn’t torturing her with her mistakes but something else.

Nightmare Moon: This is what one fan does in his spare time! He reviews crappy fan fics usually staring you!

Luna: No! No! Keep him away! Keep him away!

Celestia though, was not going to give up so easily, and as luck would have it, she hatched an idea of how to help her sister without directly getting involved.

Of course, ‘without directly getting involved’ means in this context, “Involved as much as possible!” She assigns a guard to watch over Luna. How is that different from the first plan?! Why is that different from the first plan?! It’s not like it’s anything different or can be misinterpreted! Celestia says that she wants a guard to watch over Luna! Luna says no, Celestia’s makes a plan to not get involved, Celestia wants a guard to watch over Luna!

It’s the exact same plan as before! Just because you say it’s not more involved, doesn’t change the plan!

Luna isn’t having any of it, saying that she is fine on her own. Because your temper and lack of communication has done you so much good in the past.

We are then introduced to our male lead, Cielo, the now head of the Royal Guards, since Armor is off to the Crystal Empire.

Luna is still convinced that she is fine on her own. However, Celestia insists that Cielo will be her bodyguard until this whole thing straightens out.

Luna storms off, pissed that she didn’t get her way, and Cielo follows her trying to calm her down. And it’s about here where I have to cringe. The story has been decent up to this point. Not very good, but bearable compared to what I’ve read before, but man, does Luna take it in the face bad in this story. Get a load of this…

“No! of course not, what would a worthless grunt like you know? Can’t think for yourself, only follow your orders blindly…pathetic,” Luna growled in disgust.

THAT IS BULLSHIT! Look, I know Luna is pissed off about being stuck with a guard, but it’s not his fault! He’s just following orders of a princess who has treated him well! And Luna just acts like a bitch the entire time! Look, I’m willing to look over out of character moments, if they make sense!

Luna may not be the most social ponies of all time, and Nightmare Moon isn’t a saint, but they at least did what they thought was best for their subjects! Call Nightmare Moon evil, but at least, she did what she thought was best for her subjects! Granted, it wasn’t, but there was still that loyalty to her kingdom, even if it was screwed up by jealousy and anger! So, I have a really hard time buying this scene!

And it only goes downhill from here, folks. Though I will give credit for it not being love at first sight, like so many other stories!

Luna then starts to work him like a maid and forcing him to clean her quarters… Okay, this makes no sense and this is just tyrannical! Luna simply does this to punish him for doing his job, a job that his and her superior told him to! She has maids who are paid to do this! Maybe I was wrong before. Maybe this is a “Celestia rules. Luna is a bitch” fic.

Well, maybe you’d be more liked if you weren’t such a bitch.

As Cielo begins to clean, Luna starts having nightmares.

Now, this does bring up a thought. Luna has been acting extremely out of character in this moment, and now I think I know why. It’s a cheap, gimmicky way for the author to make his audience feel bad for the character of Cielo, by having him insulted by Luna for no reason.

That doesn’t work like that! You can’t just have a character be out of character, just so you can make another character look good! This is the problem with most OC characters, is that most of the time the author can’t think of a way to make them realistically sympathetic without having some forced bullshit! Like Twilight accusing the character of something they didn’t do or Rainbow Dash being extremely rude, despite there being no reason.

These are examples of what not to do. A character should be able to fit into the world around him, without changing the characters!

Cielo wakes Luna up from her nightmare and Luna explains that she was just having a bad dream. Cielo says that he will remain at her side, and Luna seems to have taken a complete 180 on this. She’s suddenly now, all for it.

Which is weird since she is having a strange stallion she doesn’t know standing over her every night, but I suppose if Princess Celestia vouches for him, I won’t question it too much.

She goes back to sleep with the nightmares mysteriously disappearing. It’s not really explained why. Maybe all that Celestia had to do was wake her up in the middle of the night and it would have interrupted Nightmare Moon to the point where she was too nervous to finish.

Nightmare Moon: Luna, you are here because the outside world,

Celestia: Luna, pancakes!

Luna: Pancakes, oh boy!

Nightmare Moon: Wait! Come back! I’m not done with my… speech… Damn it, hold on. I have to mentally prepare myself again.

Anyway, we see that the cycle continuing with Cielo being run like a slave, Luna being woken up whenever she has a nightmare and Cielo being treated poorly. Well, it says that but frankly, I’ve yet to see anything. This really doesn’t show the whole process. Yeah, it’s fine to skip things every once in a while, but the story says that Luna is starting to change and that she is treating Cielo nicer.

What does that mean? I don’t know, we certainly don’t see any evidence of that.

However, when Luna starts having a nightmare, Cielo shows how much a dick he actually is. During her nightmare and suffering, he just ignores her.

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Yeah, what the fuck dude?! Look, I know she hasn’t been exactly nice to you, but you just said, LAST SENTENCE, that she was being kinder to you! HE ACTUALLY WATCHES HER AND TAKES PLEASURE IN HER PAIN! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! WHY DID CELESTIA SEND YOU, YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK?!

Also, what if she turns into Nightmare Moon?! Nightmare Moon might cause havoc on Equestria, because you decided to have a little payback! And if Celestia was forced to banish her sister, AGAIN, how do you think you would do, explaining to her that you let this happen to her sister, who we have established she is very protective of, how your arrogance caused her to lose control, when your fucking job was to make sure that shit didn’t happen?!

It’s only when Luna starts crying in pain that Cielo starts to feel bad about his actions and wakes her up. Luna, being a bitch, asks him to continue cleaning, rather than, you know, thanking him for waking her up from her nightmare!

Well, at least, I can’t say those two don’t have a lot in common! They are both ponies I want to blow up with a grenade!

Anyway, as more time passes the nightmares start to fade and hold no power over Luna. So… That’s it? Isn’t it? The big dilemma was solved, right? No more of this story.

Of course not. That would be merciful.

It turns out that Luna is an even bigger bitch than we thought. Luna, despite having no reason to be rude to our protagonist, still sees fit to make his life a living hell for giving data to her sister.

And if that wasn’t evidence that the author was clearly trying to make us feel sorry for Cielo, I don’t what is. Of course, this would be very affective, IF IT WASN’T OUT OF CHARACTER FOR LUNA! Dear lord, this story is dumb!

What’s really weird is that during a big storm, Cielo is forced away to help coordinate the weather team and that he needs to be replaced until he can return.

However, the stallion replacing him doesn’t take as well to Luna’s enslavement.

“Princess Luna I am a royal guard not your personal assistant or servant, if you want food or something cleaned hire a maid to do it. My job is to protect in the event of an attack nothing more; I’m not your lapdog”

Thank you! You, Sir… um… Not appearing in this story… are now my favorite character! He is telling Luna what Cielo should have told her when he first got there! Not baby, Luna, by doing everything she whines about!

The problem with this scene is, I think it’s supposed to make us feel bad for Luna for being treated this way, but… no. That’s not how I feel. I’m fucking cheering this no-named character for standing up to a pony who is being nothing but a spoiled brat!

And then the guard pretty much does nothing as Luna has another nightmare. Oh, Jesus, this is how they force the romance, isn’t it? The only way she can sleep is with dick face by her side.

Also, isn’t the guard supposed to be watching Luna? Making sure she didn’t have nightmares?! Did nopony brief this guy on his job?!

Three days apparently pass, Jesus, it sure as hell feels like it, and Luna hasn’t been sleeping well, and apparently nopony in Canterlot has noticed. NOT EVEN CELESTIA!

Look, I don’t care how good you think you are at hiding how tired you are, three days of disturbed rest is going to be noticeable! Ponies are going to notice that you are not getting enough sleep! Don’t believe me, just try 24 hours! Or more! Go 24 hours without any sleep and try to perform normal tasks! I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fucking walk in the fucking park and I promise you, people who see you regularly, like family, or in this case siblings, are going to notice!

Luna overhears the guards talking about Cielo and how he hasn’t returned yet.  Hopefully, he’s hydra chow.

It’s because of his disappearance and rather forced stallion’s not giving a shit, that she realizes “Hey, this stallion is not that bad.”

Sure, he beats me with a rake every night and calls me a slut whore in front of other ponies, but at least he treats me better than these two ever did.

Luna decides to wait a day to see if her ‘true love’ comes back to her. And here’s the point where I don’t buy it. They barely had any interactions with each other, except that Luna ran him around like a slave. And it’s clear that Cielo doesn’t really like Luna, since he enjoyed seeing her in pain!

The romance in this story is really difficult to buy when it is about two ponies who don’t really interact with each other and barely have a conversation together!

Nights continue to roll by as Luna continues to have nightmares and pleads for her precious Cielo to return.

Look, I’m all for romance in a story. But this is contrived beyond words! Not only that, but it makes Luna look completely helpless! Luna is just a damsel in distress who has been locked in a tower, waiting for her hero to come save her! That’s it! That’s all she is in this story! She doesn’t have strength on her own, have power or the ability to ask for help from others! No! That would be interesting! Instead, we get the hero, who is the only one who understands her and protects her with every fiber of his being!

That is not how romance works and I don’t care what Stephanie Meyer says!

Don’t believe me; take a look at this!

However, at this very moment, she wished Cielo was there to ask her what was wrong, or to at least reassure her there was nothing to fear.

Because, she doesn’t have a sister she can go to for help, who has been around for 1000 years and deeply cares about her. One who might actually want to help her out of respect for her and a unconditional love, you know, instead of being charged with a task and not being treated like shit.

… Who the fuck are you?

One day, Luna wakes up late because nopony bothers checking up on her! NOT EVEN HER SISTER, WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE OVERPROTECTIVE OF HER! I AM BEGGING YOU, HAVE SOME FUCKING CONSISTANCY!

We have Celestia who has been accused of being overprotective, but she does nothing to actually back that claim up! We have Luna who says she is in love with Cielo! Again, nothing to back that up! And then on a whim, she changes her mind and treats him like shit! Look, mood swings are one thing, inconsistency are entirely another!

And just in case we were all having happy thoughts of Cielo’s death, it turns out that he is actually alive. Yeah, way to keep the tension, story…

Cielo wanders back to Canterlot after dealing with the snowstorm up north, to which he was wounded. The night starts to approach as he knows that Luna will raise the moon soon.

He would have gone to the altar and waited for her to finish but it was forbidden; no mortal had been allowed up there to see the raising of the sun or moon in over 100 years. The reason for this was shrouded in mystery, but anyone with a grasp on strategy figured it may be the princesses are most vulnerable when channeling so much magic.

… Um… are we watching the same show?

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Because it clearly shows that Celestia raises the sun here! With a crowd of ponies who came to watch her, one of them being a young Twilight Sparkle! AND we’ve already mentioned Twilight’s coronation! Are you saying that 100 years have passed since young Twilight Sparkle saw Celestia raised the sun to the last events seen in season 3?!

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Luna realizes that Cielo is there and is overwhelmed by his return . Aw… let me get my barf bag…

She notices how injured he is and orders him to rest until he has recovered. They arrive at the doctor who has this to say…

“Dose this hurt much?” the doctor inquired trying to validate what he knew.

Huh… I didn’t know the doctor was German. That or it’s a spelling error, but I’m sticking with my version. It’s funnier and is more bearable.

As the doctor continues to test the wings, rather violently I might add, he comes to the discovery that Cielo’s wings are suffering from Exertional Rhabdomyolysis (a breakdown of the muscles due to extreme use of them based on the little research I did.)

The doctor says that he needs to have his wings rest for a while and that he can’t perform any strenuous tasks on his wings.

Cielo agrees, but says that he will put himself in danger if he needs to. Which brings up the question, do storms go out of control all the time in Equestria?! And don’t they have a special response team to help deal with that, rather than just one pony?!

Cielo leaves the doctor’s office, the doctor asking him to return in three days with a decision. Even though the doctor could probably go to Celestia, explaining the problem and that he is putting himself at risk, but I guess there is the whole confidential thing, so I’ll let it slide.

Luna wonders what is going on, but Cielo says not to worry about it.

Cielo is as confused as most of the audience is about Luna’s 180, and it’s even sadder for us because we saw Luna’s point of view, and I’m still lost as shit.

Luna admits that she was unfair to him and that she wants to make it up to him. Cielo asks why she disliked him so much and Luna explained that she never disliked him. Of course not. She only disliked her sister for giving her a guard to protect her.

Which as you will recall, this is the sister who doesn’t concern herself with her sister’s problems and confront them! Talking to her and making sure she is safe! Not noticing when her sister, who she is supposed to be protective of, is not getting enough rest or nourishment!

A bit hypocritical, aren’t we?

Don’t worry. I know it’s the story, and not you, that’s the problem.

And then the story tries even harder to convince me that Celestia is the villain…

“You feel trapped, Princess Luna, perhaps even oppressed? Even I can see it, and I have seen it from Celestia’s side as well. Not her point of view, but her actions, I have seen how they affect you and how they have hindered you.”

WHEN?! When has it ever shown that?! When has that ever been shown?! Are you talking about the show?! Yeah, Luna doesn’t get much screen time, but neither does Celestia?! Do you seriously think that Celestia locks Luna in a cell to keep her out of the episodes?! I think Luna got more screen time in season 3 and season 4!

And even ignoring those for a second, Luna has never once mentioned that she has felt imprisoned! The only, ONLY time that has been mentioned is when she was having the nightmares! It’s never been when she was awake! So, I don’t buy this bullshit! Even for a second!

Why is everypony in this story a fucking moron?! This is definitely a "Critique Rules, Everypony else is an idiot!" story!

“It’s nice to have somepony to talk to for once, and to hear for a change that I am right in challenging my sister.”

I know that siblings sometimes have problems with one another, but here’s a great idea that might be able to help you… TRY TALKING TO HER!

How many times have you had a chance to tell her how you feel?! It’s not like she’s going to banish you to the moon because you decide to stand up for yourself!

Warning: You might want to turn your volume down… A lot.

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Never mind. Clearly I was wrong. At least, I won’t have to see this story for another 1000 years.

As Luna puts Cielo down to rest, she sneaks off to the doctor’s office to look into Cielo’s file. The doctor explains that his medical record is confidential. Luna demands to see them and apparently, that’s all the German doctor needs to give up his confidentiality on his patients.

You know, I think there is a law against that, asshole! … Speaking of which, I think I need change doctors.

However, it turns out that the medical documents concerning Cielo are actually missing. Nopony knows who took them. Why do I feel the pony who took them is going to make no sense whatsoever?

Luna does get the doctor to explain Cielo’s problem, burning any respect I had for this character by betraying a code of conduct! Does he go around shouting everypony’s medical records as if it was casual dinner conversations?!

Also, why did the doctor go for the medical records, if he already knew the patient’s condition?!

The doctor then explains to Luna that he will probably go to Celestia with this. Sure, why not? But of course, you couldn’t leave out the part where you describe what has happened to him and just state that ‘for his own benefit and safety, he needs to stay off his wings’! You don’t have to explain a medical problem, just say that ‘it’s doctor’s orders’!

Ugh… I’m getting tired of this story, so I’m going to end it as quickly as I can…

The doctor decides to go to Celestia to try and explain what is happening with Cielo. The guard to her room stops him, explaining that she is asleep, but then… Well, let’s do some roleplaying. Pretend you are the guard.

You: I’m sorry, but Princess Celestia is asleep at the moment and I’d rather not have anypony disturb her. Please understand.

“Move it young lad or I assure you stopping me from knocking on the princesses doors will be the last task you ever perform, I’m under strict orders to report to princess Celestia under certain circumstances and this happens to be one of them times. Her orders not mine however if you would rather I tell Princess Celestia you stopped me from performing a task she herself appointed to me well then I’ll be on my way and let you take the blame on this blunder” The doctor replied in a very confident and borderline threatening tone.

JESUS CHRIST, DUDE! There is explaining a point sternly or there is being a complete dick! And guess what? You are neither of those! A dick would have been more compassionate than that! YOU ARE AN IDIOT!

God, I need a real doctor to talk some sense into this guy!

Doctor Dick explains to Celestia that Cielo’s medical file is missing. And the doctor says the dumbest thing in this story thus far and believe me, that is no small feat!

The doctor paused and thought. “I don’t know who would want his file or why but it’s gone, what if somepony leaks this to press”

Oh, no! Not the press! Somepony might find out that he is risking his life to help others and that he should basically be awarded the Equestria equivalent of a Medal of Honor!

This is stupid! There is no reason why the doctor should be worried about ‘the press’ getting a hold of this information! What does he think they are going to do with it?! Black mail Celestia?! Asking her why weather problems occur?! That doesn’t even make sense! Disasters happen in Equestria all the time, since the weather can’t happen unless somepony makes it happen!

Yes, I understand that some places like the Everfree Forest and the Windigos are the exception, but what does Cielo’s medical record have to do with that?! It’s not like its top secret or a conspiracy! Ponies knew about the weather problem! The other guards knew about it, that is how Luna knew about it! Who is hiding something?!

Urgh! This story is making my brain hurt, so let’s just move on!

The doctor leaves after explaining everything to Celestia.

After leaving Celestia alone, it turns out that she was the one who stole the medical files!

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… WHAT?! That’s just… WHAT?!

I… just … WHAT?!

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WHY DOES CELESTIA HAVE THE MEDICAL FILES?! WHY?! THERE IS NO POINT DAMNIT! THERE IS NO POINT WHATSOEVER! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! SOMEPONY, PLEASE, KILL ME! KILL ME! END MY MISERY! END IT ALL! END IT ALL!

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…

…

Okay… I think I’m better now…

Since I know all of you are smart enough to figure out why Celestia stealing the medical files is stupid, I won’t go over them.

But for the author’s sake, I’d better. One, Celestia taking them from the medical office, makes no sense! She has no reason to do it since she could have just asked the doctor about it. Hell, he did for Luna, and she has less authority! This is another example of Celestia being portrayed as a dick.

Two, how is it that Celestia is able to notice that her head of the guards is having problems with his wings, BUT IS UNABLE TO NOTICE WHEN HER OWN SISTER IS HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING?!

Three, why does she need to keep the files?! After she found out what was wrong, she shouldn’t need them, therefore, she shouldn’t have any reason to keep them hidden! It’s not like somepony knowing that he was injured would cause chaos in the streets since ponies get injured all the time! Rainbow Dash had a broken wing!

Or is this some universe where ‘there hasn’t been a murder in Equestria for hundreds of years’ bullshit?! Or in this case, an injury?! Which, by the way, makes even less sense!

Dear lord, I’ve only done the first scene of the last chapter, I’ve still got 6 more to go!

Celestia goes to talk to Cielo, but Luna unfortunately, can’t stop being a dick about it.

“What do you want?” Luna asked almost irritated to see Celestia’s face.

I am thinking about starting a new group of ponies separate from the Solar Empire and the Lunar Republic. I’m going to call them “Intelligent Ponies Against Idiots” Or “IPAI” … Okay, the name needs work, but I’d make a better leader than the two of you!

Celestia asks why Luna was in the doctor’s office snooping around and asking for medical information. Luna lies and says that she doesn’t know what she is talking about. Celestia explains that the doctor told her and accuses Cielo of allowing her to do so.

Cielo’s job isn’t to stop Luna from doing whatever she wants, it’s to keep Luna safe from the nightmares, that aren’t even relevant to this part of the story and dear lord, make it stop!

Luna explains that Cielo wasn’t involved and that she drugged him to sleep. And if you thought that there was no way… no chance… no method of storytelling that could piss me off more than anything else that this story has thrown at me… Well, I’m sorry to say… that’s not true. Witness, fillies and gentlecolts, the crowning achievement of out of character behavior for any character in MLP fan fiction.

“That is no reason to Drug him you twit!” Celestia snapped angrily pushing Luna’s door open and inviting herself in much to Luna’s dismay. Celestia slammed the door and faced Luna “Have you any idea what you have done! Cielo cannot handle medication well, he’ll be recovering from that for days!”

Fine whatever do whatever you want” Celestia shook her head and walked past her sister opening the door again. “Smarten up and use your brain next time before you go and do something stupid” Celestia said with bitterness in her voice before slamming Luna’s door shut; She heard Luna scream out in anger as she walk away.

Yes… In a story, that is supposed to be taken 100% seriously, unlike the Tales of Prince Martin… Celestia… one of the kindest ponies in all of Equestria, just called her sister, who we have established loves her very much… a twit… and stupid.

…

You know… When I think of Celestia, I think of how much compassion she has for others. How much understanding she seems to possess and how much kindness emanates off her and seems to radiate this light of good that shines into every pony she touches.

I once read a comic where Celestia is beginning to doubt herself having failed to stop the Changeling invasion herself. Wondering what good she is. Wondering why she can’t do anything right to the ponies she loves so very much. Discord and Nightmare Moon defeated her and she placed the burden on others, much to her own grief. She begins to wonder if she is worth anything anymore

And in that comic, Twilight comes up to her and says this…

Chrysalis said it herself, that Equestria has more love than anyplace she’d ever encountered.  We have you to thank for that!

Princess, you haven’t been the ruler of Equestria because you are the most powerful or because you raise the sun. It’s because you’ve always done what is best for Equestria, even at great personal cost.

You’re not just the ruler of Equestria, you’re its LEADER and its teacher. Just as you’ve always taught me and led me as your student. Not only does everypony need you to be the leader of Equestria, we WANT you to be.

You’re the one who taught me it’s never too late in life to make friends, or to reconnect with family and rely on each other.

And I would hardly call your past actions failures. You did better than anypony could hope to on her own, and it’s because of you that Equestria is what it is today.

Our recent victories were possible because we all worked together, not because we’re better ponies than you. You’re one of the best mares I’ve ever known! I hope I can become half the pony you are someday.

We aren’t fighting INSTEAD of you, we’re all working together. Relaying on others isn’t a weakness; it’s strength.

We can do so much more together, and when we do fail, we’ll be there to help one another, even at the worst of times.

This comic written by Digital Dasher Bot became kind of how I view Celestia and as a whole Equestria. Celestia isn’t some all-powerful goddess who can wipe out armies with her power, nor would she want to. She is kind enough to give Discord, a spirit of chaos, a chance at redemption. She is torn apart when she is forced to hurt her sister. And she was ashamed when she could not protect others.

But her strength isn’t in how powerful she is. Her strength comes from how kind she is. Her desire to help others. Her ability to love with all her heart and treat others with respect. The reason why Equestria is so strong is because of unity. Friendship. Strength in numbers. Love. Companionship. Bonds of trust and fellowship that tie us all together and make us stronger, braver and able to take on challenges that would normally be insurmountable.

It is strong because a kind and generous leader decided that is what she wanted her country to be about. And she took every step necessary to make it happen.

This is a very similar mindset to what Fire Emblem does and it is why I believe in this strength of character for Celestia. Her ability to love.

Let me ask you this… Is someone who loves with all their heart, who concerns herself with the safety and security of ponies all around her, somepony who is torn apart when she is unable to help somepony feel wanted, sound like the type of pony who would call another pony, a sibling she loves with all her heart no less, stupid?

Okay… I’ve rambled on way longer than I should have…

Let’s just finish the review…

Celestia berates Luna calling her stupid, because that surely helps my temper, about what Luna did, but Luna explains it was an accident. Celestia leaves, promising to find Luna a new guard until she wakes up.

I volunteer! I promise to make you both less stupid, by hitting you in the head with a shovel when you say something stupid!

Celestia trots into the room where Cielo is resting and speaks with him. However, thanks to the medication in his tea before, he is out like a light. Celestia starts to cry over the fact that’s she’s failed everypony, including her sister and apparently, his mother.

I would refer you to the speech Twilight gave you after the Changeling invasion, but clearly, the way you’ve been acting, I can only think of one speech to give you!

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Cielo wakes up later that night and Luna is excited to see he is okay.

I know I’m not, I’m pretty sure he’s an alien spy, who has sucked out all the intelligence of both Luna and Celestia. Would explain why they are acting like assholes!

So, it turns out that Cielo’s wings are just fine because he has a special healing factor granted him by Wolverine after he evolved from an otter in Marville.

… Seriously, would any of you be surprised if that was the case?

Celestia arrives and asks Cielo to see the doctor after she explains that she knows about his condition.

“Fine let’s go” Cielo growled and started to walk by Celestia. “But no matter the outcome you can kiss my tail if you think I’m going to stay on the ground”

God, you are making Rainbow Dash in the episode where she injures herself look like she is afraid of heights! What is your holy problem?! If you really want to fly, I’ve got a missile I can tie you to!

And Luna, deciding to follow suite with her ‘boyfriend’, whips her tail in Celestia’s cheek.

… Let me repeat that…

With a flick of her tail Luna smacked Celestia’s cheek and continued down the hall, Celestia stood there silent for a moment wanting badly to lash out at Luna but through sheer will power she held herself back and just took it.

This… this is a troll fic… It has to be… There’s no way this can be taken as a serious story! It can’t be real… it just… can’t… Are you seriously telling that this horrid piece of shit of a story, we are supposed to take 100% seriously?! What kind of collective of dead hamsters wrote this piece of shit?!

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At this point, I would not be surprised if that is how this story was written!

So, Celestia, Cielo and Luna decide to go to the doctor to find out what Cielo’s condition is. And the final middle finger to the audience is that Cielo’s condition has miraculously vanished in one night!

Yes, Cielo’s condition, the whole point that we have been building up to for the past two chapters… has ultimately amounted to nothing!

I have wasted this part of my life reading this story, going through all the anger in the universe, for nothing!

… Is there any chance that one of you could break into my home and impale me on a pike? That would be more pleasurable than reading this thing!

And our story ends revealing that Celestia actually cast a spell to transfer Cielo’s condition to herselfNOPE!

Wrong. … Wrong. Wrong. Try again. Wrong. Nope. I don’t buy it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Try again. Wrong, Wrong! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!

This story… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I mean, really?! Are you fucking kidding me, story?!

God, forget about the spelling errors and terrible grammar for this thing!

What the fucking hell?! This one physically hurt me to review!

The characters are so unbelievably mean spirited to make this story edgy when really, it comes off at disrespectful and insulting!

The plot is nonexistent! Were we supposed to worry about Cielo and his job?! We never learn anything about him and why he is so obsessed with this job! Instead of actually learning his motivations for his job, he comes off as a prick who likes to whine because “Mommy won’t let me fly!” Fuck you, Cielo! I hope you burn in hell!

Celestia and Luna are probably the worst portrayal in a story I’ve ever seen! Even with that bit in the end where Celestia, I guess, tries to be nice and take the punishment for Cielo, 99% of the story, they both act like jackasses! Luna is an unbelievable bitch for no fucking reason! And Celestia isn’t much better!

I know who wrote this story! This was written by somepony who can’t stand either of these characters! Which is stupid because then why would you make your OC have the hots for Luna?! I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it’s the only way I can fathom writing this spectacularly stupid!

And what is with the title?! Cielo’s Secret?! WHAT SECRET?! THAT HE IS A PEGASUS WHO FLIES AFTER PONIES TO SAVE THEM?! THAT HE’S MOTHER DIED?! THAT HE IS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE?!

And the biggest failing of this story? It doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be! Is it trying to be mean spirited? Heartwarming? What is this story’s identity?!

I would at least have a little bit of respect if the story could keep its mean spirited tone, but the story can’t even do that! It shifts from being mean-spirited with the characters acting like total dicks to one another, to Luna falling in love with Cielo. Then it goes back to the cruelness of Celestia and Luna, and then I think it’s supposed to make it all better with the end scene, but again, it doesn’t fit the tone of what was established!

If this wanted to be a mean-spirited story, it needed to tone down the heartwarming moments.

If it wanted to be heartwarming, the harsh moments had to be downplayed!

Since it can’t choose either, it comes off as an unfocused, unfinished mess! And one I will not be reading again anytime soon!

This story is boring, mean-spirited, and downright idiotic! And I would not even use its pages to wipe my ass with!

I would rather wipe my ass with my own hoof than touch this piece of shit again!

***

He made his way to the door, the review still filling his every thought. Rage consumed his mind. All he wanted was something to punch and kick to relieve his stress.

Suddenly, the front door began to pull away from him with a thunderous crackling. A large portion of the wall surrounding the door began to crack and pull away from the foundation. He leaped backwards landing on his flank, his body too stiff to move. As it tilted horizontally, he saw the image of a man, lifting a huge portion of the wall with his bare hands.

The man glared down to him. “Where is she?!”

Finally, the Critique’s voice found him. “What the hell?!”

With a swift flick of the man’s arms, the door and portion of the wall flew from his hands, landing near the neighbor’s house. He turned back to the Critique. “I said, where is she?!”

Critique started to back away, his heart pounding in his head. “Where is who?!”

The man followed Critique, slowly stepping into the house. “Romantic Lily! Where is she?”

Critique shook his head. “Dude, I don’t know who you are talking about!”

“Don’t lie to me!” The human stomped his foot onto the ground. The whole library shook, books fell from the shelves, Critique to the floor. Cracks formed in the floor, stretching out to the center of the room. “The Grand Ruler told me you kidnapped her!

Critique slithered across the floor backwards. “Grand Ruler? Who’s the Grand Ruler?”

The human roared and lifted his arm, charging like a rampaging rhino. However, he was stopped by two mechanical fingers wrapping around his own. “I have him restrained, sir,” Computer stated.

Critique took in a sigh of relief. “It’s about time!”

The human pulled with all his might against the robotic arms until a thunderous snap filled the air. Computer’s first arm had been torn in half.

With a robotic limb dangling from his forearm, the human grabbed the second robotic arm and ripped it from the wall.

Critique’s eyes widened as the human held the long robotic arm like a large staff. The human swung the staff at the Critique. Fortunately, Critique was able to duck out of the way.

The human swung back again, this time connecting with his target. Critique was sent across the room and against a bookshelf. Pain flared up like a roaring flame in his body as he slowly picked himself off the ground.

He looked up to the ceiling. “Computer, shotgun! Now!” With those words, a shotgun appeared from the wall, landing at Critique’s feet. Picking it up quickly and aiming it, he fired at the human’s body.

The pellets bounced off his skin, leaving no trace of damage. The human simply continued his slow march towards him, stopping for nothing. Critique fired again and again, with the same result. The human stood over him, as he pulled the trigger once more. Still, nothing came of it.

The human ripped the shotgun out of the Critique’s hooves and broke it over his knee, shattering the handle into splinters.

Critique’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, come on. I never got to kill anything with that!”

Suddenly, the human’s hand wrapped around Critique’s neck. He effortlessly pulled the Critique up to his face and glared into his eyes. “Where is Lily?!”

Critique fought against the grip of his attacker, flailing his hooves into the human’s arm. However, the human hardly flinched, let alone loosened his grip. He tried to respond, but his voice cracked struggling for air.

With a roar, the human tossed Critique across the room, into one of the bookshelves. Several books fell from the shelf on top of him, pummeling his already miserable body. He placed his hoof on the ground, struggling to get his footing.

A tall shadow appeared above him, causing him to glance upward. The human stood over him, his hands clinched together. “If you won’t tell me, I’ll just beat the answers out of you!” He raised his arms, ready to bring down his hands like a battering ram.

Critique raised his hoof as if to create an imaginary barrier between him and this human. A whimpering escaped his lips. He closed his eyes. Please let this be a nightmare. Please!

Before any harm could come to him, a cry came from the human’s mouth. Critique opened his eyes to see a stallion standing behind the human, with a baseball bat in hoof. Critique recognized the stallion as one of the neighbors.

The human turned around and grabbed the stallion by the neck with such speed if Critique had blinked he would have missed it. The suddenness of the attack caused the stallion to drop his weapon and flail against the human’s grip.

The human turned around showing his neighbor in his grasp. “Let Lily go, or I’ll crush his skull!”

“Okay, okay,” Critique blurted out before he could stop himself. His mind spun into a tornado of chaos. “I’ll let her go.” He put his hoof up, trying to move as slowly as possible. “Just don’t hurt him.”

Critique picked himself off the ground and began to slowly trot to the end of the hall. He felt a vibration in his scarf. It was probably Computer demanding to know what he was up to. Frankly, he wasn’t sure what he was up to. Great, backed myself into a corner this time, he admitted to himself. He trotted slowly to the kitchen, the human following closely behind, with the neighbor still in his grasp.

They came to the end of the kitchen to one of the closets. Critique opened it slowly and pulled out his phone, whispering. “Computer, get ready on the lights.”

Critique turned back to the human who was still glaring at him. He pointed to the dark closet. “She’s in there.”

The human stepped into the room. However, he glanced around him as if he couldn’t see anything. He turned around his face intensified. “I can’t see in the dark! Give me some light!”

Critique lowered his head. “Okay. Give him what he wants, Computer.”

The human turned his head back towards the room and suddenly, the bulb in the room shined brightly in his face. The human cried out in pain as he hand released the stallion to cover his eyes. Critique took advantage of the human’s blindness and grabbed the stallion by the hoof.

“Come on!” he yelled, dragging the stallion to the end of the library. He heard the sounds of the human swinging his arm wildly, as it hit one of the walls with a thunderous boom. As they approached the front door, Critique shoves the stallion out his front door. “Run! Just go!”

The stallion nods and rushes back to his house, presumably to call the royal guard. If somepony hadn’t called them already. Another cry came from the human’s throat as his hand crashed into another wall, causing a huge crack.

As Critique looked upon him, he noticed a long red stream flowing down his neck. Is that blood? He put his hoof on his chin. “The guy takes shotgun pellets like their nothing. So what could cause him to bleed like that?”

His phone vibrated once more. “Unknown, sir. By all accounts, it does not make any sense. The only attack that hurt him was the wooden bat used by your neighbor. But that defies logic.”

Critique thought for a moment. Then the answer hit him. Or it’s just like Kryptonite. He looked down to his hooves and found the wooden bat. As he moved his hoof to pick it up, the human appeared at the other side of the library. With a scream of rage, the human slammed his hand against the ground, causing the ground to give away below Critique’s feet.

Critique felt gravity take a hold of him, pulling him towards the basement. His body trembled with pain as he slammed into the ground. With his vision blurred, he shook his head. He hoped to clear the ringing in his ears. His mind instantly jumped to the baseball bat. It was no longer in his hooves. He figured he must have lost it during his fall. Frantically, he moved his hooves back and forth along the ground, hoping he would get lucky and touch it.

A tremor occurred beneath Critique’s hooves, causing him to turn his head to the epicenter. Even with his vision hindered, he could see the shape of the human coming straight for him. With a yell, the human charged at Critique, his hand raised to strike.

Critique dove away from the human as his fist slammed against the ground, causing cracks to be formed. Critique searched around him to find the bat only a few feet away from him. He rushed over to the bat and took it in his hooves. Hearing the footsteps of his opponent coming closer, he quickly turned around swinging the bat as hard as he could.

The bat collided with the human’s face, causing to stagger several feet backwards. Critique took the opportunity to slam the bat against his body again. Faster he swung his weapon, slamming into his face, once more.

Finally, the giant toppled to the ground, with only a soft moan slithering from his lips. Critique’s heavy breaths filled the room as the bat slipped from his hooves. He collapsed to the ground, his lungs feeling like they were about to burst out of his chest.

“Computer,” he called, his voice interrupted by his breathing. “For Heart’s Warming, I want a wooden bat.”

His phone in his scarf vibrated. “Yes, sir.”

***[/center}

“No, I don’t know why that psychotic is after me!” Critique replied to the royal guard for what seemed like the hundredth time.

“Sir, calm down,” the guard asked. “We need to ask these questions.”

Royal Guard, Charming Chorus, had been one of the first royal guards on the scene and was the supposed head stallion of the investigation. At first, Critique didn’t know what, but he was starting to catch on. The investigation of these idiots that keep attacking him for no reason. Well, most of them anyway.

Charming took in a deep breath. “Do you have any enemies, Mr. Coin?”

Critique rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the name he was called. “Yes, but not usually ones who want to kill me.”

Charming lifted his notepad with his magic and jot down what Critique said with his pen. “Mr. Coin, I do not think these attacks have been random.”

Critique raised his eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, but three times is enemy action,” Charming explained. “Is there anything the three attackers have in common?”

Critique thought back for a moment, trying to ignore his ‘cracked ribs’ for a moment as the pain seared through his body when he shifted his weight. “I don’t know.”

Charming nodded. “And what about the newest one, Damion?”

Critique closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “He mentioned that I kidnapped somepony named Romantic Lily. He said that somepony named The Grand Ruler accused me.”

With another swift scribble of this notepad, he gave another nod. “Thank you, Mr. Coin. That will help our investigation.”

Critique shook his head as he stood outside the nearly demolished library. His only thought was what Celestia was going to think about him destroying the library not once, but twice.

Celestia's Brothers

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Thanks to last week’s attack on my life, the library has been left in a state of destruction. And it was totally not my fault. I don’t ask for psychos to come and attack me and do property damage!

So, Computer and several contractors are working on the building. Unfortunately, that means I have to stay in an apartment building for a little while. But that won’t stop me from doing what I hate. Reading shitty stories.

So, let’s dig into Celestia’s Brothers by CaptainSanchez

I’ve already talked about how I feel about OC princes that are related to Celestia and Luna for no reason in the Lost Prince review two weeks ago. So I won’t go into much deatil there. However, I will say that it can work. That I believe with the right pony writing the story, it will work. But 90% of the time it doesn’t. And we’ll find out why this one is of that 90%.

One of the things I will point out in this story before we get started is the image. I don’t normally talk about them, but for this story I feel like I need to point out something. If you look at the image…

You can see that it was created on Pony Creator. Now, I’m not against this, personally. There are some of us who can’t do art and have a hard time finding the right artwork to properly tell the cover we want. Hell, the Longest Night was a custom cover art that I made. (At least until HudsonHawk did a custom art for me. Send him your love)

However, most ponies tend to frown on these kinds of artwork and most automatically assume that the story is going to be bad just because of the cover art. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t use the Pony Creator to help you with artwork nor am I saying that a story automatically is bad because of it; I’m saying that it’s something that pushes readers away and just something to be aware of.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. This story sucks.

Long ago, before the rise of Nightmare Moon or the Rule of Discord, Two Alicorns were born.

Born out of the sky’s vagina, as all alicorns are.

Yes, odd as it seems, the Alicorn brothers that would rule the land and sea came along before Celestia and Luna.

Yes, the sun and moon didn’t rise or set in those days. Making one half of the world a complete desert, while the other was a frozen wasteland.

The introduction tells us of the two alicorn brothers, Terrestrion and Aquinus. For sake of the names, I’m calling them “Terra” and “Aqua” respectively.

God, I wish.

The two decide to isolate themselves from everypony for different reasons.

Aquinus thought his work would be too demanding, as he would have to rule all of the planet's water continuously.

Because it’s not like there might be any water based intelligent life forms that could record his efforts or whatever. That’d be just stupid. Also, we see later that he lives on an island, making this even more stupid.

Terrestrion's reasons were quite different, as he feared that he would inadvertently use his powers to kill thousands.

Even though earthquakes happen all the time. Where do you think mountains come from?! Unless we are going off Greek mythology’s explanation of how they were formed, but that makes even less sense here!

Each of the siblings had this Fear on some level.

It turned out on weekends the two brothers liked to play subpar first person shooter games that relied mostly on jump scares rather than atmosphere. Or at least the third installment, where the co-op was actually viable.

Celestia and Luna remember them well, though, despite not having seen them in two millennia.

Even though it’s never mentioned when Celestia and Luna came into the picture, how they came into the picture, what the reaction was to them coming into the picture, or any kind of thing that two brothers would react having learned they have two baby sisters. And there is never mentioned a mother, so I guess the sky does just pops out alicorns whenever it wants.

Celestia recently sent her brothers invitations to Luna's birthday party, as a means of both sharing a happy occasion with them, but reuniting the siblings after millennia apart.

I’m having a really hard time with this sentence. Why is there a ‘but’ in this? It seems like reuniting the siblings after a millennium is a bad thing, but we aren’t exactly told how or why. There wasn’t any argument or debate that we are made aware. In fact as far as we know, their relationship was cartoonishly-perfect. Which makes sense of course, this is still a kid’s show.

Anyway, after the introduction, our story starts proper with Terra, who is living in Zebrica.

He ruled over the planet's rock and dirt; really, that didn't entail very much. An earthquake here, a new volcano there, he had almost nothing to do but dream.

I’m so compassionate I create earthquakes all over the place and destroy property that probably took them a while to build. I also create volcanos where ponies live just to fuck with them. I’m the loving one of the brothers!

Also, do mountains and volcanoes just pop up like weeds in this story? Because I’m pretty sure that process can take several thousand years. Of course, it is magic, so I guess I’ll let it slide.

What I won’t let slide is the fact that he says he doesn’t do much. Yeah, all those crystals and gemstones just appear out of the sky too! Even though, they are components of the Earth, created by the earth! Even ignoring that, where do you think steel comes from?! Components of the earth like iron or carbon! You know what else carbon can do under intense heat and extreme pressure? (Conditions that deep within the earth would give you)

Make diamonds!

And you don’t have anything to do? Do you even know the limits of your powers?! You say that you have control over the earth! And don’t tell me you can’t do those things! According to your own lore, you can make mountains appear out of nowhere!

On top of that, weren't you the one who isolated yourself to make sure nopony was hurt?! Then why are you making earthquakes and volcanoes?! I'm pretty sure ponies died to those things or were driven out of their homes! Consistency? You'll soon find out that this story doesn't know what the word means.

He talks about how he knows that Luna is on the moon and how he hasn’t interacted with any pony in two millennia.

No. You read correctly. He hasn’t interacted with anypony in 2000 years and he knows that Luna is on the moon! This does take place in present day Equestria, doesn’t it?! How is it that he even knows about Luna’s condition if he hasn’t talked to anypony in 2000 years?! And yes, I know it does say that Celestia does know where he is, but there is never any mention of communication between them!

Did the rocks just tell him? Can he communicate with the dirt or something?

As he wallows in self-pity, one of Luna’s Night Guards comes to his cave and invites him to Luna’s birthday party. I’ve got to say, the Night Guard, named Nightshade, seems to be taking the fact that Luna and Celestia have brothers that are never mentioned, controls the earth and sea, and have been considered myths by this point pretty damn well. He doesn’t even act mildly surprised that one even exists.

Though to be fair, an OC alicorn is less impressive than a bowl of oatmeal.

"I'd love to come, but could you please lead me there? I haven't left this cave for anything but food in centuries; I don't think I remember where to go. Also, I can barely remember how to talk. Could you reteach me the modern form of Equestrian?"

Yes, I cannot speak. Even though I have carried on a full conversation with you and am speaking to you right now in a modern form of Equestrian that not even Luna was able to grasp right away. I’m so tortured!

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And then we get a full description of what Terra looks like. From the top of his horn to the tips of his hooves. It’s a good thing Nightshade gets the same treatment. Otherwise, I’d think that the author was playing favorites. Ha, ha, ha. Oh wait, Nightshade doesn’t and the author is playing favorites.

We then cut to Aqua who is described as regally as his brother. Look, describing what your characters look like isn’t a bad thing, but make sure you do it for all the characters that play a pivotal role in your story if you do this. Otherwise, it comes off as pretentious.

His     tenure alone on his small island had left him feeling very alone,

My loneliness makes me feel lonely! Redundancy?! What’s that?!

Also, he’s told to be the fun loving one of the brothers. And he shows us this by… isolating himself on an island? … Yeah, I think the author missed his character trait a little.

So, Aqua has kept ‘busy’ in his isolation, as he apparently has two sons. Did he actually mate with a mare or did the sky just give him two sons out of pity and boredom?

However, it turns out that one of his sons left to live with Celestia while the other acts as a maid for him. I’m not even kidding either; this is what happens when Celestia’s royal guard comes to invite him to Luna’s birthday party.

"Tydall!" he called out, "prepare food, we have company!"

A prince who has no servants or anypony else to tend to him except his son. This is a sad existence.

The guard asks Aqua to come to the party and Aqua agrees since his son is old enough to control the tides himself. Tydall will never be mentioned again and his only purpose was to make sure that Aqua could go to the party, even though there are a million different ways that it could happen that weren’t completely forced like this. That’s well-crafted storytelling for you. Not that the other son makes much of a difference in the story either, so what the hell was the point of mentioning him? He actually doesn’t even appear in the story! Why would you mention him if he’s not going to play a role in the story?!

Chekhov’s gun! I’m going to use it on your face!

We start our next chapter and wow… The author has completely given up. In the first chapter, he actually practices proper spacing between sentences. In this chapter, however,

A wall of text with no separation in them whatsoever. God, he doesn’t even start a new sentence when somepony else talks. Yes, we haven’t even ended chapter 2 yet and already the author has thrown up his hands and said, “Screw it, I don’t care.”

In Canterlot, Celestia is excited about the reunion with her brothers…

Terrie was always so caring, and Nuss was always so incredibly happy!

Terrie? And Nuss? … Those are the dumbest names in the history of dumb names! Okay, Terrie is decent at best, but Nuss? Nuss?! Fucking Nuss? What, was Aqua not stupid enough for you?!

She prepares with how she wants to present herself, but then we get this line…

After twenty minutes of intense indecision, she realized that her brothers would probably like it more if she just dressed as she normally did: a crown, some shoes, and a necklace.

So, that scene with her wanting to dress herself up for her brothers was completely pointless. Oh, good, I was almost interested in seeing Celestia in a dress.

Now, that’s something I can get behind! In more ways than one.

I deserve that.

We then cut to Terra and Nightshade who are just arriving at Canterlot. Nightshade tells Terra about what Celestia had told him and that he used to be a kind and loving prince. But now…

The Alicorn he was traveling with was an incredibly focused individual that seemed to harbor an intense hatred for other ponies.

When did you find that out?

When did you find that out?

It’s a simple question. At what point in your journey did you discover that he has a hatred for other ponies? Was it when he asked you to teach him how to speak even though he clearly knew how? Is it because he treated you with respect when you reached his home? Is it when you arrived at Canterlot with no evidence of such accusations to hold any water?! Or are you just jumping to conclusions?!

I’m sorry! I don’t buy it! If he’s supposed to be harboring hatred for other ponies, than why treat this one with respect?! Why treat this pony any different than the other ponies you supposedly hate?! I’m not saying that it’s okay to hate, but this story makes it sound like he’s supposed to be vengeful and yet, we never see that! We never see any evidence that this is what he is supposed to be!

We then cut to Silver and Aqua, who are also arriving in Canterlot. Aqua asks why Silver was chosen and Silver response that he has a personality just like him. Because she just happens to have royal guards that remind her of her brother’s personalities. Hey, it makes more sense than anything else in this story.

Aquinus was puzzled, so he replied with, "But you've done nothing but crack jokes the entire trip!"

Silver laughed even harder, saying, "And you haven't laughed once!

Welcome to my life.

Also, what jokes?! We never heard any jokes! Are these the kinds of jokes he’s telling?!

Silver: Why did the Scootaloo cross the road? To get to the cutie mark on the other side!

Aqua: No. Not funny.

Silver: How do you make Apple Pie? Easy, just ship Applejack and Pinkie Pie together.

Aqua: Nothing.

Silver: How many Celestias does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, she’d just raise the sun.

Aqua:  It’s not that I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s just that your jokes suck.

Silver: No respect. No respect at all.

Celestia is starting to panic as she awaits the arrival of her brothers. When suddenly,

Could it be? She looked up. She saw two of the reddest circles on the planet, surrounded by a field of blue. It is!

Celestia: The McRib has returned! Everypony rejoice!

Celestia was so thrilled, her face lit up like, uh, a Hearth's Warming tree?  She even squee'd, and Princesses don't squee. Not. Ever.

Princesses are not allowed to have these ‘emotions’ like other ponies do. They’re not allowed to feel anything or be ‘normal’.

And then we… Oh dear lord. He’s actually trying again! Spacing out his sentences! I’m not mad that he’s actually doing it right! I’m mad that he’s got no consistency! It’s like he’s juggling back and forth between caring and not caring! It’s actually kind of fascinating!

Too bad I can’t say the say the same thing for the rest of the story.

Terra is taken aback by the town’s reaction, asking if it is normal for them to act this way. Nightshade explains that the town is simply in awe about two new alicorns in Canterlot.

Pfft, please. OC alicorns are a dime a dozen. Now, OC earth ponies, those are a rare thing.

Terrestrion groaned. I hate to admit it, but he's right. I need to reconnect with the public if I want them to stop looking at me like that. Well, only one thing I can do now.

Yes, my hatred for all ponies that has never been shown and will never been shown must be conquered if I am to reconnect with all the ponies.

"Nightshade, we're getting donuts!", he said, in as heroic a manner as possible.

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Terra: COME COMRADS! LET US JOURNEY TO THE LAND OF PASTRY GOODS WHERE OUR HUNGER MAY BE SATIATED THIS DAY! AND WOE BE TO THOSE WHO WOULD STAY IN OUR WAY!

Nightshade: Um… it’s just a donut shop…

Terra: SILENCE! OUR ENEMIES COME! HAVE AT THEE, STOP SIGN!

Nightshade explains that the donut shop is closed and that they should be getting to the castle of Canterlot anyway.

Nightshade was still struggling to keep pace with the Prince. Hey, you try keeping up with somepony whose legs are longer than your torso.

Did… the story just break the fourth wall? … Does the story… know I’m reading it?

Terrestrion looked at Nightshade, surprised. It's Thursday? Hm, interesting.

Why is that interesting? … Do you hate Thursdays or something? Granted, its legit, but what’s so interesting about Thursday?

Anyway, they make their way through the town and meet up with Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance. Oh good, two more characters that have as much relevance to the plot as I do.

Cadance is at first hesitant to trust this strange stallion who randomly walks up to her and gives her a creepy smile, for some reason. However, Terra explains that he is her uncle and she seems to take it rather well.


 "Uncle Terrie! I'm SOOO happy to finally meet you!" Cadence said, squeezing even harder.

Princesses are not allowed to have emotions! Burn her at the stake!

Geez, guys! It was a joke! No need to take it personally.

She then hugged him. Not a big deal, you think? Well, you try being the Princess of Love and hugging an uncle that you never met without squeezing too hard. Not easy, is it?

Are you talking to me, book? Because I’m not sure whether to find this creepy, badly written, or both?

And then Cadance starts acting really wildly excited. Like really excited. Like Pinkie Pie excited. So excited it would make a Teletubby vomit.

"You're gonna have so much fun catching up with everypony! Auntie Tia's going to be so happy you made it, and Auntie Lulu is gonna be even happier that her favorite brother made it home, and--" She stopped to gasp for breath and continued. "You haven't met my husband, have you?" Cadence released her uncle, and before he could catch his breath, shoved him closer to Shining Armor. "Shining Armor, Uncle Terrie. Uncle Terrie, Shining Armor! So Uncle Terrie, how long will you be staying at the Castle? I hope you stay for a while, Auntie Lulu would be just SOOOO happy!" said Cadence, with so much joy that it would probably make a Teletubby vomit. Yes, I went there.

Book? Are you okay?

Fuck you!

AHH!

*throws the book and runs*

… What the hell?

Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

Oh, god… *dials his cellphone*

Come on, pick up.

Sir, what is it?

Computer, I think the book I’m reading is possessed by the devil.

Sir, are we really going through this? Again?

No! This isn’t like the time I lied about My Little Unicorn being possessed by Satan so that I wouldn’t have to read it! It really is possessed by the devil!

Or the time you read Wonderfall, Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures, or Soren the Alicorn?

Or the Lottery. Point is, Computer, I need your help!

Sir, I am a little busy at the moment. I’m afraid your hallucinations can wait.

Computer! *clicks* Bitch…

You will die, my little pony!

What do I do? What do I do? Who do I call? Got it! *dials the phone*

*A stallion arrives at the door*

Wow, that was fast.

Your book is possessed.

Yes, father. I need your help on this!

Good, because I’m going to need your help on this.

My help? What do you need me to do?

You need to continue your review.

Continue the review?

Yes. This is a critic demon. A demon that can only be dispelled with a review. Now I can help, but only a review can stop it.

*The stallion doses the book in holy water.*

Okay, then… On with the review I guess…

*picks up the book*

Celestia ends up meeting with Aqua.

Celestia had noticed the change in Aquinus almost immediately. There was a whole different air about him now. She didn't realize the extent of his personality change, however, as being around her awoke the flicker of joy he still had.

In what way? Celestia never mentions how Aqua is different. He just is! And we’re supposed to believe it!

Yeah, because that’s the sign of a good writer!

Prince Terra walks into the room with the two and suddenly…

Fuck him! Fuck him, Critique!

Is he going to be interrupting me throughout the review?

Probably.

That’s not going to get annoying at all.

So, it turns out that the brothers aren’t on very good terms. How do we know this? Because the story fucking tells us! No, seriously! This story treats us like we couldn’t understand it! So, instead of treating its audience like intelligent ponies, it just fucking tells us!

You see, the twins hadn't parted on the best of terms...

It turns out the twins were trying to outdo each other for years. Trying to impress the other. However, after a heated argument, about probably nothing, their father, Chronos, asks them not to fight one another or it could mean the end of the world. He also says that if they do, that’s totally chill. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this.

"My sons," he said in his deep, caramel voice. "Are you certain that I cannot persuade you to cease this course of action? It will not end well."

I could probably stop what you two are doing, but honestly, seeing two Alicorns fighting would be awesome!

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Anyway, Cosmia, the mother apparently, asks Chronos to reconsider, but Chronos says he can’t interfere since he knows everything that is going to happen and can’t risk destroying the time stream.

He tells Cosmia of a single event that would bring devastation to the world and honestly, if you’re lost, you’re not the only one.

Basically, from what I can gather is that, Terra and Aqua both want to be top alicorn and they have been bickering for years about who is best pony. They have been harboring hatred for one another and that when they are reunited, they will begin fighting, which will devastate the world.

I think that’s what it’s supposed to be, but honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually about Terra wanting the last slice of pizza, but Aqua got to it first.

Terra and Aqua look like they’re about to go at it when all of the sudden…

"SISTER! HOW GOES THINE SUN LOWERING, AND--"

Christ! Why does every story with Luna have to do the royal voice thing?!

Luna appears and worries for her brothers.

She had long known that had the Nightmare Moon incident was as much more due to her anger at never being able to see Terrie again than it was ponies not appreciating the night.

Um… Pardon?

She had long known that had the Nightmare Moon incident was as much more due to her anger at never being able to see Terrie again than it was ponies not appreciating the night.

… Are going to interrupt me on this one?

No! That was too stupid, even for me!

Goodie… BUUUUUUUUULLL SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!

What is this?! Upside down world?! The reason, the WHOLE REASON, why Luna became Nightmare Moon was because of her jealousy of the sun being loved more than her nights! Not because “I miss my brother”!

Good God, not even the canon is consistent in this story! First, the writing itself, then the characters of Aqua and Terra, and now not even Luna’s backstory is not even consistent with the canon of the series!

And I checked the tags guys! This isn’t an alternate universe story! This is supposed to fit within the show itself! But how can it be when you throw away the set up from the show?! I’m not above ponies exploring the different levels that Luna had to go through to get to that point, but changing it completely?! Are you high?!

Also, the story says that the brothers were in isolation for 1000 years before Luna was banished to the moon! Was she just bottling her anger towards that for 1000 years?! Did she never think to look for them or ask Celestia where they were?! Celestia obviously knew where they were, otherwise, why would they be here in the first place?!

On top of that, when the fucking hell did this story establish that Luna had a close relationship with her brothers?! We never see anything that the brothers do with Luna that would suggest the relationship was strong! So, even if I buy this bullshit, it holds no weight because we don’t relate to Luna’s loss. If we had actual scenes where Luna interacted with her brothers to show how important they are to her, there might have actually been something! But no, this story doesn’t give a shit! And if it can’t give a shit, why should the audience?! It’s a lame, stupid, idiotic story that has no place on this website except to waste our fucking time!

So I’m sure you’re all ‘begging’ for what this story throws at us next. If you said the ending, I feel you.

It turns out that Terra and Aqua are unable to look into each other’s eyes because of a curse that was casted by Cosmia’s sister…

Yeah, sounds stupid to me too.

That is, until their eyes met. When they were young, a traveling sister of Cosmia's had put a Curse on them as a punishment for interrupting her writ ing.

Sorry, I don’t know what writ ing is. Is it the same as pain ting? Or coo king?

Celestia and Luna agree to talk to their parents to see what they can do about lifting the curse.

We then get an attempt to add some humor to the story. You ready? Because it’s pretty good.

And then everything died. Pinkie Pie smashed Mare-iam Webster, then gave Sombra a death-Threat. Odd, considering that they had all died already, but then the Grand Duchess Fausticorn descended from the heavens, lifted the curse, and un-wrote this whole chapter.

Ha, ha, ha, it’s not only funny because this chapter was a complete waste of time, but apparently Pinkie Pie somehow survived the everything died thing and was able to smash a dictionary. Something this story really could have used. Isn’t that ironic?

Not to mention stupid.

So apparently, Luna and Celestia are able to calm them down or break the curse, or whatever, I don’t know, if you still care, you should hit yourself in the head more times.

However, it now turns out that the years of isolation not only changed their personalities (not that we are ever shown that), but changed their molecular structure!

Yeah, it’s pretty much here that the author just doesn’t give a shit anymore. So, why should I?

After a few days pass, what went on between those days are not important to the story, as the story clearly points out to us, they decided to meet <gulp> their parents.

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Well, not really a solution, more like an option with a chance of success. They had to contact… <gulp> their Parents.

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Pretty sure I just did that joke.

So, the narrator then gets into an argument with the audience, (which is strange seeing how an audience doesn’t exist for this story) and gets us back on track after some unfunny humor. Of course, it if was humor, it would actually be funny!

So, they manage to get to their father, Chrono. However, he says that things are becoming WORSE!

So, they try to stop the event, some stupid jokes are thrown throughout this thing and we finally end this story with it all being made up by some stupid pony, all for a lame punchline.

And with that, Rocky left the room, making sure to bring the book and turn out his sister's light. Nopony knew where the book had come from, only that it was all that remained of a lost world.

Until today where it ended up here.

This story is incomplete! Fuck me hard!

Well…

It’s not working! You have to finish the story!

What?! There is nothing to finish! That’s it! It doesn’t continue from there!

Something’s wrong! It should have ended!

You ponies will never be rid of me!

It’s the ending…

*The room shakes violently. Cracks form into the walls and doorway.*

It’s the ending that compels you…

The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

*A scratch forms in the book as it floats off the desk.*

The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

You son of a bitch! Have a proper ending! Have a proper ending!

*Critique grabs the book from the air and struggles with it*

Have a proper ending! Have a proper ending!     The ending that compels you! The ending that compels you!

*Critique throws the book out the window as it topples into the street. The two ponies look out the window to see a stream of blood coming from the book.*

Well, that was easy.

What are you talking about?

We won. We beat the devil.

By throwing him out a window?

What? It’s how it happened in the Exorcist.

You’re not a real priest, are you?

Nope, just got it at a costume shop.

So, who the hell are you?

Maybe someday I’ll tell you. Until then, have an Element of Honest.

Wait, I’m the Element of Honesty?

No! That’s be stupid! That’s just a replica. Bye, now!

*The stallion leaves where he entered.*

Who the hell was that?! Whatever…

So, how does this story hold up? Horribly!

For what it could have been, there was some decent ideas floating around and in the hands of a decent writer, they probably could have turned out okay. The idea of two alicorns fighting is always good, the fact that they are the kings of the earth and sea could have led to some interesting ideas and it might have worked if they ended up hating each other and needed the guidance of friendship.

What we end up with is a story that doesn’t really care what it is. It starts out trying to make something, but as it goes on, the author ends up clearly not caring about what he posts. He just types, posts it and hopes it doesn’t get flames.

There’s a difference between being a troll fic and just not caring. A troll fic doesn’t care from start to finish and virtually offers nothing. A story that doesn’t care has something that might be interesting, but just doesn’t care enough to jump on it, or even notice that it has something worth talking about.

And that’s just sad. It’s a sad little story that slowly degenerates into a troll fic, with almost nothing redeemable about it.

And that’s all I’ve got on this one. Hopefully, we’ll be back in the library by next week and we can just forget that whole demon possessed book ever happened. Have a good day guys.

If you have sex with a Changeling that looks like your beloved, and you didn't know, and you end up having a child together, does it count as cheating?

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

If you have sex with a changeling that looks like your beloved and you didn’t know and you end up having a child together, does it count as cheating?

…

…

…

…

…

No, that’s not a question I’m asking. I don’t care about the fucking answer. But apparently, somepony did and now we have this story.

I’m sure there’s a joke to be made about it, but I’m not clever enough. And let’s face it; I wasted all the rape rants I had in October. So, let’s not waste any time on this one.

Let’s dig into I had no imagination when giving a title for this story and so I decided put my description of it instead just so I can fuck with you all by The Wraith Writer

We begin our tale with Shining Armor hearing a knock at the door late at night.

Shining Armor looked over his shoulder at his wife’s sleeping form. He had hoped that perhaps she had woken up and he could feign sleep while she got the door, but no such luck.

Typical male response to these situations.

Who asked you?!

As, Shining Armor goes downstairs to check the front door, he finds a baby lying on his doorstep.

The baby’s small eyes were shiny and black.

Baby

Baby

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

However, it turns out that the child is actually from Queen Chrysalis. Wow, this would have been a shocking… something… if it wasn’t in the title, but I know what you’re all thinking. What happens next?

Shining puts two and two together and figures out that the child is in fact his and Chyrsalis’s and that he slept with her under Cadance’s guise.

No! Bad elephant! Bad! Go back outside!

Sorry, I don’t know how that elephant got into the room. Computer, why do I have a pet elephant?

I have no idea, sir.

Cadance wakes up and comes to wonder what was happening. Sure, she waits until he gets up to answer the door. Typical female response.

How cute.

Shut up!

Shining hides the child as he tries to figure out what to do about it.

Shining convinces her to go back to bed and says he will join her shortly.

Shining actually does, what I think is a clever move here. Shining writes a note saying that he is heading to Ponyville to help Twilight with an emergency and that he left that night.

He makes his way to the train station to make his way to Ponyville.

Since he needed to be there faster than was normally possible, Shining Armor roused the conductor of what was known as the Ludicrous Train. The metal monstrosity was just like a regular train save it had numerous rockets strapped to it and was painted plaid.

Well, I’ll give the story this much credit, it knows what it is. Oh and as we go, you’ll figure that out too. It may not look like it right now, but trust me; you’ll know when you see it.

The train rocketed out of the station at a ferocious speed that nearly topped Shining Armor over in his seat.

Wow, the father of the year, fillies and gentlecolts. Almost cracks his baby’s skull on his first night of ownership by getting aboard a rocket train.

Soon after closing his eyes, Shining Armor was lying on his back on the train’s ludicrously comfortable seats, snoring, with the baby cuddled against his chest.

(Now if that scene doesn’t make you go ‘awww’ you have no soul.)

…

… Do you mind?! I’m working here!

How the hell do you keep getting in here?!

Meanwhile, at Twilight’s, she wakes up and…

Twilight Sparkle

She really likes books

Oh… no….

It’s the Borderlands gag.

An attempt to throw in some humor by overdramatically giving out the characters names like they are some fucking comic book superhero whore. And then give a very brief sentence about them like it’s supposed to be funny. But in Borderlands case, it was incredibly annoying. And in this case… it’s incredibly annoying.

And it happens for every character in the story. Apparently nopony was spared the wrath!

So, Twilight goes and makes herself a cup of coffee and apparently it’s the best kind of coffee in the world.

But as the still awakening Twilight pulled the coffee can down from the shelf in her telekinetic grasp, she got a jolt that woke her up far better than any cup of coffee. (Even that lovely brand that has cocaine in it)

There a digestion problem joke here somewhere, but let’s face it, the story is trying to be funny FOR me. It’s like raging against someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck, there’s no sport in it. Maybe I should try to do this review straight for all the good my jokes are doing.

Anyway, Shining arrives at via Super Fantastic Awesome McBaddass Super Train, which is conveniently parked right outside her doorway with there never been any evidence of a railroad track anywhere near her place, but hey, contrivances need to happen somewhere.

Shining Armor appears at Twilight’s door much to her relief.

So, one might imagine her relief at seeing her brother Shining Armor standing there instead of, say, Lady Death or a Hasbro Executive.

So, wait… is the story self-aware that it’s a just a story? Or is this another vain attempt at humor? Either way, not having that much of an impact on me. I dealt with the devil last week, story! There is nothing you can throw at me that I haven’t seen!

Shining Armor

Dude needs a corndog

Case and point!

Also, I doubt he so much needs a corndog as he needs to get out of the situation he is currently in! A funny line would have been “Is (or has been) royally screwed!” Or at the very least, it fits into what the situation is going on around him and it would have fit into the Queen Chrysalis thing and it would have fit into what Cadance would put him in if she found out about what happened. It’s a good pun since both Cadance and Chrysalis are considered royalty.

But then of course, we couldn’t reference something that is only slightly less funny.

Shut up, story! I know what it is!

So, Shining comes in and tells Twilight about what happened.

He pulled a chair over from a stack of books and gently sat the bundle down on the cushion. Twilight looked at the bundle and saw that it contained a baby foal. Normally one might need a shot of adrenalin for this, but Twilight lived in the same hundred-mile radius as the Cutie Mark Crusaders so she was good.

Because giving birth to babies in Equestria never happens! Nope! Never! Not once in the history of all Equestria has a baby ever been born! Nope! Not once!

Oh, quit your balling, you little twerps!

How can you be so heartless?

Because I’m an asshole! That’s why!

So, Shining gives Twilight the note and…

(At this point, many of you are wondering what’s wrong with Twilight. Here, this should clear things up)

Twilight.exe has encountered an error. Processing.

Oh, good! I was hoping for some actually character interaction and actually trying to add some plot to this jumbled mess of references and jokes, but this is sooooo much better! You almost got me to give you a pity laugh, story. Almost.

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash flies in and…

Rainbow Dash

20% more wingboner

So, the rest of the main six appear with an overdramatic open that makes me feel like I’m watching the fucking Super Friends intro. Yes, because it was so funny and clever the first time! Even if you’ve never played Borderlands, you’d be pretty sick of this joke by the time Rainbow Dash flew in, especially since it’s not even a fucking sentence before the next character flies in, with their unnecessary over-the-top intro sequence!

“Twilight!?” Shining Armor was obviously panicking now, seeing as the ‘!’ is now in front of the ‘?’.

Case and point, the story doesn’t care. Why should I? Here, have some keys. You can jiggle them in front of your face.

So, in case you were wondering what was the point of that chapter? As if you didn’t already know. Absolutely fucking nothing. It’s just one big joke after another. I don’t mind jokes if they are leading up to something or are at least advancing the plot, but when it’s just pointless gag after pointless gag, it becomes dreary really quickly.

Wasn’t there a baby we were supposed to get back to? Apparently, that wasn’t important enough for the story, so it decided to glimpse over it.

Finally, Twilight bursts out that Shining has a child with Chrysalis!

…

…

…

Normally, this is the point where I would do the ‘DUN DUN DUN’ video, but I did use it twice in the last review. Also, WE ALREADY KNEW THAT! GOOD THING WE TOOK AN ENTIRE CHAPTER TO ESTABLISH WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW! THAT WAS WELL WORTH IT!

Finally, Spike walks in and…

Spike

Who?

… Okay, one point for you. I kind of laughed here.

So, apparently after learning that Chrysalis and Shining have a kid, the main six are so shocked that they were able to suck all the air out of the room, causing Spike to pass out.

Ignoring the science on that for a second, (FUCK SCIENCE, WE GOT ROCKS) Full House had better humor than this.

I know I can’t take that back, but I still stand by it! Full House was funnier than this!

They take Spike outside to give him some air and they ask if he is okay.

Twilight just nodded out of habit, but truth be told she did look like she had seen a ghost. No, wait, ghosts aren’t too terrifying. More like she saw Celestia become anthro, turn into one of those half rotted zombies, and then the abomination took all it’s clothes off.

(TheWraithWriter is not responsible for any mental trauma caused by this story)

Oh, my mental scars say otherwise.

So, we FINALLY get back to what the main focus of the story should be…

The child. The six try to figure out what to do and Shining tells them that they can’t tell Cadance or any pony else.

Why not? Half the town knows by now with all the fucking Borderland themed introductions that you’ve given us!

Twilight asks if she thinks Cadance would understand, but Shining replies like so.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Cadance and she loves me,” Shining Armor said quickly. “But she’s also a bucking lunatic.”

Well, considering that she was kidnapped by the mother and forced to starve to death in a dungeon while she banged you, I’d think she’d have every right to be upset!

Twilight, Shining and Fluttershy agree to follow Zecora to her hut to discuss what to do about the child and to find out if it is actually Shining’s. Twilight asks Applejack and the others to say behind in case Cadance shows up. Twilight, knowing the Element of Honesty, asks Applejack not to talk to Cadance. Which begs the question, why doesn’t Twilight just have her tag along with them, so that the risk isn’t even there?! Oh, that’s right… I forgot. The story gives about as much of a shit as I do.

Also, the scene was pointless, so why even have it? Just cut Applejack from the story. It wouldn’t have taken away anything important. In fact, you could cut out the main six from this story and it would have no impact. Except maybe Twilight, but the others have no place in this story and you’ll see why. This would have been fine if this Applejack confrontation actually amounted to anything.

But whatever, as the group makes their way to Zecora’s hut, Fluttershy asks kind of a stupid question.

“Are you sure this is the right way?” Fluttershy asked Zecora.

The zebra glared at the yellow pegasus. “Of course I am sure,” she said, and then added in a low voice, “Ungrateful miserable cur.”

Okay, ignoring for a minute the characters acting like assholes to one another, what exactly was Fluttershy ungrateful for? There is no lead up to what she was ungrateful for! What is it exactly?… You know what, I don’t care.

Twilight begins to suspect that Zecora might be under some kind of curse. Probably from the kid. What, is he going to be like Roy and has magical powers at age 0? Again, this is never brought up again, so … why is it here?

Shining turned his attention to the little bundle that floated in front of him. “Even if he isn’t, I couldn’t bear to just let this little tyke go.”

Because you’ve spent so much time developing their relationship… Oh, wait, NO YOU FUCKING HAVEN’T!

It’s instead been spent on Borderland gags and broken Twilight’s that need to be rebooted! Where is the relationship building for the two? They’ve barely shared a scene together! Is that once scene on the train supposed to represent that they are close?! One scene and Shining has bonded with the little twerp?! Makes sense, I guess! Hey, I’ve seen relationships built on less!

But Zecora finally remembers where to go… Thanks for that plot point… And they get to the hut to rest.

Then the baby starts crying. God, the kid wants to get this story over with as much as I do.

Zecora manages to get a bottle of changeling milk. … Why does Zecora have a bottle of changeling milk?

Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So, Fluttershy … ends up the ceiling of Zecora’s hut? And then Zecora uses a blow dart to calm her nerves? And then Fluttershy and Zecora are hinted at sexual things together?

Can we get back to the story about the kid, please?! You were winning me over much better with that!

And then Zecora takes a strand of hair from the child, Shining and… Twilight? And Zecora suggests that Twilight might be the mother?

Oh, good, the incest will make my stomach curl so much that I’ll forget how much my head hurts after repeatedly hitting it!

And it turns out that Zecora has a strand of hair from Queen Chrysalis?… Sure, why not? Whatever it takes to end this quicker.

However, as Zecora prepares the test, she finds out that she is missing an important ingredient. So, she sends Twilight and Shining out to get it. Not sure why this is even here, the plant never comes to anything and the test is ultimately pointless anyway. I know why they can’t show the results, but could you at least have it lead up to something?

We cut back to Pinkie Pie and the others who have started a drinking party in the hopes that it will distract Cadance long enough for them to figure out what to do with the kid.

Here’s something that the group never thought of. What if she doesn’t drink? … What then? Are you just going to force it down her throat?

But of course, in this story, there are no sober ponies. Not even the one reviewing it.

We get some oral sex jokes, some banana jokes, and honestly, if you haven’t noticed, I’m moving this story along as fast as I can.

Cadance finally arrives at the party and asks about Shining. The girls do their best to stop her and finally end up challenging her to a drinking game.

And apparently, Cadance’s concern for her husband is so second nature that she agrees to the drinking game almost instantly. Why is she in love with Shining again?

Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.

Yeah, okay.

So, as the girls begin to lose the drinking game to Cadance, they try to figure out what the best move is to make her not look for Twilight and Shining. How about knocking her out? Not what you would do? Too bad, this story does it anyway.

So after breaking the fourth wall again, (I don’t care about it anymore, why should you?) Twilight and Shining continue to travel through the forest.

“She said we would find it in sun.” Twilight answered, a little irritated herself.

Uh… I think it’s supposed to be “Find it in the sun”, but I guess it’s the thought that counts. … And clearly no thought went into this. Must be why it amounts to nothing!

Also, why would Zecora be vague about this? Maybe she just wants more ZecoraXFluttershy time…. Damnit, story, now you’ve got me doing it!

Not that Cadance was violent all the time, but ever since being trapped in those caves beneath Canterlot she had a tendency to treat situations she normally would think on with violence.

When? When was that? We never saw that! Not once has this ever been a thing! I’m sorry, when was it ever hinted at this! We never saw it in the scene with Shining, we never saw in the drinking scene! Wouldn’t this important piece of information be a little more relevant if we actually showed it?!

So, we actually get some pretty interesting character development with Shining thinking about what he would do if the baby it turned out, wasn’t actually his. Deciding that he could be the bridge that helps brings ponies and changeling together. And it’s actually a very nice little moment. …

Can I get some more of that please?

Zecora just grinned lasciviously at him.

I’m starting to dislike you, Zecora.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and the others try to decide what to do with the unconscious princess. Why not throw her in a dungeon? Maybe that will give us some real Post-Traumatic Stress disorder!

We then cut back to Zecora where she actually puts her thinking cap on and actually wonders why Chrysalis would leave her child without a good reason. The first sensible thing said in this story! Only took us 6 chapters in!

However, before Zecora can figure out the mystery, Fluttershy attacks her with a frying pan and knocks her out. I would say this leads up to something, but… no. It really doesn’t.

Twilight and Shining return back to Zecora’s hut and Zecora can’t stop talking about how she wants to go cupcakes on Fluttershy’s ass, all while not rhyming. Yeah, apparently, she doesn’t want to rhyme anymore.

Look, if I have to question every little thing in this story, I’m going to be here forever! And lord knows I don’t need that!

Twilight believes that Fluttershy is innocent and can explain herself, but Zecora is not convinced. She then grabs a compass she has that can track down Fluttershy. … Just buy it, people. It will be a lot quicker.

Shining starts reacting vengeful and mimics Zecora’s willingness to kill the child. Oh, yeah, because their relationship was so well established in the… What? Two scenes they had together and barely interacted with each other?! Weren’t those great?!

IF I SAID IT WAS GOOD, CAN I PLEASE STOP?!

So, they find Fluttershy and Twilight attempts to keep Zecora and Shining from attacking her.

Twilight asks where the baby is and Fluttershy can only respond by saying “The baby is safe.”

After talking Fluttershy down, she admits to liking Shining Armor for the longest time. When did Fluttershy make clear that she knew Shining Armor? I don’t remember that episode! Maybe this is how Changeling #6 had a crush on Shining, but can I please know why Fluttershy took the baby?!

I can’t take this! I really can’t! I’m trying, story! I’m really trying to like you! I really am!

Do you think I want to not like you?! I’m really trying here! I’m trying to find you humorous! I’m trying to find you interesting, but it’s just not happening! Do you think I want 1000 ponies banging on my door with torches and pitchforks demanding retribution for the review of a story that I am clearly the minority for?! Do you think I enjoy that?!

So, they ask Fluttershy where the baby is and Fluttershy explains that the baby is back in Ponyville.

They then receive a letter from Celestia saying they know about the Changelings plans and that the child needs to be placed under protection. Oh, and some more pointless humor. Because Molestia is funny, apparently. Oh, I’ll get to her another day. Trust me. Her day is coming!

Twilight teleports to Ponyville, leaving Shining behind.

Author's Note:

This chapter was a little more intense than previous ones and I'm sorry if it broadsided you.

However, the next chapter will be even worse.

No, please broadside me! This was actually the best chapter in the story! It certainly not great, but it’s at least advancing the plot and doesn’t waste our fucking time with a dumbass drinking game and a stupid flower that ultimately amounted to nothing!

Meanwhile, Applejack is given the baby for safe keeping by Angel. Rainbow Dash arrives and explains what happened to Cadance. Suddenly, they are attacked by Changelings who are demanding the child.

Applejack tells Rainbow Dash to fly away with the kid and Applejack… pulls out a shotgun? … Okay, let me clear one thing up before you all start harping on me. I live 700 years after Twilight’s coronation. We have shit like that in my time! How did a shotgun end up in Applejack’s possession?!

Oh well, it is pretty bad ass.

She’s so pretty when she has a weapon of death and destruction.

Meanwhile, Twilight arrives at the library and it turns out that she can’t use a teleport spell again, after teleporting such a long distance. So she can’t go back for Shining Armor or Fluttershy.

Dash gets attack by the Changelings as she is escaping with the kid, but she is able to outmaneuver them.

Also, one thing just came to my mind. Why don’t the Changelings turn themselves into somepony they trust and trick the main six into giving them the kid? Rainbow Dash hasn’t proven very bright in this story (nor has anypony else for that matter), I doubt it would take a lot of effort. It especially doesn’t make any sense despite what we will see in later chapters.

However, as Rainbow Dash tries to run, one of the Changelings manages to bite her. She manages to escape them in a pretty cool chase scene.

Rainbow Dash manages to get the kid to Twilight. However, the royal guard appears and demands the child.

Twilight runs off, leaving Rainbow Dash to fend for herself against the royal guard. Bitch…

One of the guards manages to catch up with Twilight, demanding the child. Twilight refuses and one of the other guards tries to get the furious one to calm down. However, the furious one is growing impatient.

Right before he can kill Twilight Sparkle, Predator appears and attacks the furious one. Sure, why not?

Twilight takes the opportunity to run, but Predator is hot on her trail. (Okay, it’s actually a Changeling in Predator armor, but I’m calling it a Predator, because considering what we’ve seen so far, would that really surprise anyone?) And the other guard is hot on Predator’s trail.

Twilight continues to run, but Predator is catching up to her. However, the other guard (No, I’m not going to bother learning this character’s name) attacks the Predator with a flaming cocktail.

Sunshine smirked. “And I guess you could say that he-” she gestured to the changeling whilst putting on a pair of sunglasses “-couldn’t take the heat.”

Okay. Twice. Twice, this story has made me laugh. TWICE! HAVE I FILLED MY QUOTA?!

However, it turns out that Predator wasn’t alone and brought his gang with him.

Twilight manages to get away, but the other guard is not so fortunate, fortunately.

One of the Predators manages to catch up with Twilight and demands the child. When Twilight refuses, Predator threatens her. But fortunately, Shining Armor appears to save her. Or unfortunately, I can’t tell at this point.

Cadance then arrives with a sword to throw to Shining Armor to battle the Predator. And then we have what is, I’m not going to lie, a pretty awesome fight scene. Yeah, it has some more dumb jokes, but my god, this fight scene is pretty damn cool. And the build up to it is great. WHERE THE HELL WAS THIS THE ENTIRE STORY?!

We then have the characters calling the Predator “An ugly mother-bucker!” Oh, yes, keep using that joke! I’m sure it will get funnier after the 59th time in this story alone!

However, it turns out before Shining can kill it, Queen Chrysalis appears… with a revolver? And she kills her own Predator?

Okay… This better be building up to something big or else… I’m going to yell about it! Okay, story. Here’s your chance. This better building up to something good! Something that I could not foresee! Something that justifies all of … this! Okay, story… Go ahead… Give us your explanation of what I had to go through.

So, it turns out that Chrysalis had nothing to do with her child being abandoned on the doorstep of Shining’s home. Turns out a traitor group had deemed Chrysalis unfit to rule the Changelings due to her last failure, so they kidnapped Chrysalis’s child and held her for ransom.

However, thanks to a character we never see or hear from before this point in the story, (woven in the story like a quilt) the child was recused sent to the Crystal Empire.  However, she is captured and they discover that the child was in Ponyville.  

Which begs the question, how the hell was Chrysalis able to attach a note to a baby she never saw beforehand? And the perfume on it, how the hell did that get there?! Did the kid just emanate it?! Is that what it’s farts smell like?!

Furthermore, wouldn’t it be easier to say in the note “Psychos trying to kill our child! Keep our baby safe!” Yeah, I know the mystery and all that, but it makes no sense!

However, Equestria was known for accepting others. So, even if it was a changeling/pony hybrid, Equestria’s love would allow it to stay with them and be safe there. But I’m pretty sure that the author was not going for that. For you see…

There’s the twist… The twist that comes the fuck out of nowhere.


The child is Cadance’s!

See, told you I didn’t need you!

Stupid Elephant.

Oh, yeah. The joke of this story the whole time was that the letter was meant for Cadance! It turns out that Cadance and Chrysalis have been conspiring this whole time, having a child right under Shining’s nose! It turns out that Cadance out of compassion saved Chrysalis’s life and thus changes her ways.

And what does Shining do? What the hell does Shining do after find out that not only is his wife bisexual?! Not only finding out that she was cheating on him?! Not only was she hiding what is essentially his stepchild?! But also, have to have gone through this whole thing?! What does he do?!

Oh, and guess what the pair of you will be doing! That’s right, making me some Celestia-damned corndogs because I’ve sure as Tartarus earned some.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Critique.exe has processed the error.

Haven’t we had enough of that joke yet?

I’m not going to lie to you guys, this is one of the hardest reviews I’ve ever had to write.

The comedy for this story feels like a pie being thrown in my face for every joke we get! The first one was funny, the second was less funny, the third one was dumb, and by the time we get to the fourth pie, I finally notice that the story has 40 other pies waiting to throw at me!

Occasionally, there will be an anvil in the pie to break up the monotony, but they come too far and few between! And by then, it’s already too late!

They don’t further the plot, they don’t develop the characters, and most of them don’t have a place here!

Now, what about the plot?

STORY, ENOUGH! I AM SICK OF THESE JOKES! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER AND LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS! I AM FUCKING SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT! THIS BULLSHIT THAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH JUST TO GET TO THE FUCKING ENDING! NO MORE BULLSHIT! JUST YOU AND ME, TALKING ABOUT THIS! HOW DOES THIS HOLD UP?! HOW DOES IT’S PLOT HOLD UP?! HOW DOES THE FOCUS HOLD UP AFTER EVERYTHING I FUCKING WENT THROUGH?! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT HELD UP?!


















Actually, better than I thought…

I’m serious. When the story actually wants to tell a story, it actually does it better than you’d think. Now, do I think there are problems with the story portion of it? Yeah. The relationship between Shining and the child should have been developed better, the attempt to overthrow Chrysalis should have been hinted at, even if you don’t reveal everything it should have lead up to that moment a lot better than it did, the ending could have done with some more emotional connection considering that it was trying to build a relationship between the baby and Shining, and most of the characters had no purpose there except to be a punchline.

But in the last third of the story, it’s actually kind of fun. Going back to the pie thing, it felt like I could finally eat the pie that had been thrown at me! And surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad. It’s not a pie I preferred, but it actually could be enjoyed.

It’s like it finally realized that it had to tell a story, so it attempted to give us all of it in one shot, and honestly, while good, it does come off as incredibly rushed.  The twist came out of nowhere with no real lead in and most of it feels like the story started out like it had no idea where it was going, but in the last third, it’s like the story finally figured out where it needed to go. Unfortunately, that left us with a lot of pointless scenes that don’t really amount to anything.  

If this story had focused more on the story elements rather than the comedy for the first two-thirds, I think the story would have been much stronger. It’s clear that when the story was trying, it really showed. It really had some moments where I legitimately felt like the story was trying to be good and was actually succeeding. And while it’s not a story I’m overly fond of, I have to admit there was a level of talent, care and effort put into the final two ‘real’ chapters. I felt that I was reading a really good story. Hell, I wanted more of that. I didn’t even mind the jokes as much since we were trying to have an engaging plot and believable characters.

But unfortunately, that was not the focus. Just as I was staring to enjoy the pie, I would have another pie thrown at my face, taking me out of that enjoyment.

The story doesn’t really have a moment where it can just slow down and let you take in what is going on. Maybe that’s what it’s going for as it tries not to dwell on it. But for me, it didn’t really grab me and therefore, it didn’t connect with me very well.

I didn’t feel like I was relating to the characters well enough to be a part of this story. I had almost no connection to them until that last little bit. So, that made it a really difficult read for me. I’m not saying that comedy shouldn’t be in a story, but I think the focus still needed to be on the characters and the story.

There was good to come from this and it’s easy to see why so many people liked it, but if someone were to come up to me and say they hated it, I wouldn’t find it that hard to believe.

So, unfortunately, as good as some of the good parts are, it’s just not worth enduring the first two-thirds. The biggest problem in this story for me was the first two-thirds. I’ll admit if I didn’t force myself to read through the whole story, I probably wouldn’t have. And that, in my opinion, hurts it.

But, this is coming from the guy whose stories have taken off about as well as a butterfly flattened by a steamroller, so what do I know?

Well, I know one thing; How to end this review! By beating a dead horse!

The Critique

Full of himself

(and hot air)

Our Gifts

Youtube Video

Oh, Michael… How I wish I could hear you live?

Computer, shut that shit off!

But sir, it is Michael Buble?

I don’t care if it’s fucking Josh Groban! Turn it off!

Party pooper.

Anyway, hello everypony. I am the Critique.

So, I guess with this new month before us, I need to get started on my next review. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on my usual introductions, I just want to get into this story. Our story today is Our Gifts by TheDescendant. Wait… Our Gifts? Computer, are you sure you’ve got the right schedule?

...

Computer?

Apologies, sir. Yes, today you are to review Our Gifts.

Huh? … I don’t remember putting that on the schedule. … Okay, then. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Our story begins with Twilight Sparkle excited for Heart’s Warming.

Twilight Sparkle was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.

It happens to all of us, Twilight.

She leaps around the room and falls off her bed.

99 Twilight’s jumping on the bed! One fell off and became an alicorn! … What, they can’t all be my A material?!

Spike comes in and goes to check on her.

Twilight Sparkle though was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.

Yeah… we established that… I don’t think we need to again.

Twilight then…

She jumped upon the bed, fixing him with a mischievous smirk.

“I’m gonna get your candy cane, Spike,” she whispered.

“Uh oh!” he called, and in one smooth motion he rolled off the bed and began to pelt across the room.

“Gonna get it!” she called, barely hiding the laughter in her voice.

… … … This fic is rated everyone, right?

Maybe this is just my perverted mind still recovering from last week’s overload, but… what the hell?!

I mean, I know Spike has actual candy canes in his claws, but yeah, even knowing that, that’s a little fucking creepy!

So, a chase scene ensues between the two as Twilight tries to get Spike’s… candy cane… I know it’s supposed to be playful here and supposed to be innocent, but damn, it’s hard to get that thought out of my head!

Twilight manages to pin Spike down and … that’s it, I’ve got a start a dirty thoughts jar on this story; because I have a feeling I’m going to need it.

So, Twilight manages to get Spike to hand over some of his candy canes.

Twilight Sparkle was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.

Yes, you’ve said that twice now… No need to beat it into our skulls.

“Spike?” she asked as a broad smile fell over her face. She lifted her head and peered down at him from above. “May I have a lick of your candy cane, please?”

Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be broke by the end of this?

As they sit in the window, they simply watch the majesty of the holiday decorations. However, the night starts to age and Twilight suggests that they get ready for bed. Spike asks why Twilight is, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy. Hey, the story is bashing into your head, I might as well.

Twilight admits that she feels like a little kid again and that, somehow, gets Spike depressed. Spike starts to lie in his crib when Twilight decides that he has become too big for it. So, she decides that Spike will sleep with her.

Yeah, the candy cane gets me to be perverted, but that scene … nothing… Maybe I’m more fucked up than I realized? Or maybe I should stop drinking before reviews?

As the night goes on, Twilight starts to think about how perfect Heart’s Warming is going to be imagining how each and every pony’s gifts are perfect!

Their gifts had been perfect. They were sure of it.

:twilightsmile: I got you all books!

:ajbemused::pinkiesad2::fluttercry::raritycry::rainbowhuh: Typical Twilight.

:twilightangry2: Well, fuck you all too! What’d you get me, Applejack? Apples?

:ajsleepy: Yes...

Twilight giggled at the thought of the princesses marveling at the gifts, and was very proud that she and her little dragon had found the perfect presents for supposedly immortal beings… something that they alone in all Equestria knew that the sisters did not own.

Tickets to Saturday Night Live!

However, as she goes down her Heart’s Warming list, she finds out that the only one she didn’t shop for is Spike.

Youtube Video

I’ve been waiting to use that one!

So, Twilight starts to panic and rushes around her old home in Canterlot to try to find a quick gift for Spike. However, she accidently wakes Spike up in the process. She realizes that it’s too late to get a gift and that causes her to break down.

Spike asks what’s wrong and Twilight explains what happens begging for forgiveness. Spike explains that he already has the gift he needs.

Like an immature kid…

Actually, Twilight panics and rushes to their parent’s house. Twilight pulls her mother aside to ask what to do. The future ruler of Equestria fillies and gentlecolts!

Youtube Video

Oh, go jump off a building! Unless, you’re a Pegasus than that wouldn’t really bother you, would it? Just go away!

Twilight then overhears… Spike and her father talking about Hoofball players?

… I’ve got nothing on this one. So… yeah…

Also, one thing I’ve noticed is the sudden changing of point of views without any real way of distinguishing it. It just goes from Twilight’s point of view to the parents and back to Twilight. I know its third person and it probably shouldn’t bother me, but it just does and is really confusing.

Twilight and Spike rush off after bidding their parents farewell and rush off to talk to Shining and Cadance.

We get a cute scene from Cadance and Shining… I’m not adding to the jar, they’re married!

“Babe,” he said with a small laugh, “if you don’t stop wiggling like that, then we’re going to have another guest in this bed, one who’ll need a nice warm place to spend the night.”

Why does this create uncomfortable foreshadowing? Like there is something on the horizon that I may have to review that is captured in this sentence perfectly? Like the universe is somehow making these stories connect in a way that will remind me of the story that I have done and will most likely be forced to do in the future?

…

…

…

I’m sure it’s nothing.

So before the events of the last story I reviewed can be written, Twilight and Spike burst in. Now, Spike I want you to pay close attention. There will be a test afterwards.

Twilight drags Shining out of the room to ask him about what to do about Spike’s gift. However, Shining only says the same thing their mother did. Twilight, not sure what to do, breaks down. Shining suggests that Twilight tell him the truth and that Spike will understand.

They march back up to the room and…

“Dude,” he said, hovering his face over the little dragon, pretending to be incensed by what he discovered there, “love ya’ like a bro, but get up out of my bed and away from my mare.”

With a little kid… Wow, story. Just wow

Twilight and Spike head home, with Twilight pacing back and forth as to what to do for Spike. And Spike is just buying that Twilight is acting weird for no apparent reason. Though to be fair, if MLP fan fictions have taught me anything, Spike is actually not that smart.

Computer! This is an emergency! Get me… MY VIOLIN!

Twilight even gets so desperate for a gift for Spike, that she actually considers breaking the universe in order to get a gift for him! Oh, yeah, demons gnawing at your friends after burning all of Equestria to the ground is totally cool! But Spike not having a gift for Heart’s Warming? That’s simply too much!

Spike hears a spring sound and says it’s the sound of Twilight snapping… I guess Pinkie Pie’s mental breakdown twitches make a sound that all the other characters can hear and is contagious… I think I just got stupider after that sentence…

Anyway, Spike manages to calm her down and finally asks Twilight what happened.

So, Twilight takes Spike downstairs and allows him to see all the gifts he has and all the ponies who gave them to him. Except he doesn’t see Twilight’s.

That’s okay, Spike. She would have just given you a book anyway.

Twilight finally confesses to him, as she thinks about all the ways she let him down after all he had done for her.

And then Spike murdered Twilight Sparkle.

Oh, I kid! Spike actually gives Twilight her gift early and it turns out to be a memoir of everything they’ve been through together, represented by various items. Spike explains that while he was in the nursery there was no pony who he felt a closer relationship to than Twilight and that he would always feel sad when she was away.

Twilight still thinks that they should have something for him and Spike suggest that, for tonight, they could pretend like they were children and just cuddle next to the fire.

And our story ends with them realizing that their gifts come from one another and I get to make one more perverted thought before it all ends, even though it’s not even close to what the story intended.

Anyway,

This story is good.

It’s written very well, it’s a cute little story and does help capture the spirit of the Heart’s Warming season.

I can’t really say too much about it except that I always enjoy seeing the relationship between Twilight Sparkle and Spike. Spike is a really underrated character and honestly deserves to be part of more stories. And not just for a quick joke either, but really a character that can stand on his own. He actually does have a likable personality and is loyal to the end and will do anything to aid his friends.

But he’s far from perfect too. He’s a well-balanced character that honestly tries hard.

Honestly, I always enjoy these Spike and Twilight relationship building stories. It always makes me smile to see them interact in a very mature and very loving manner that respects both of the characters.

While this isn’t the most groundbreaking story I’ve ever read since it follows the “I forgot to get you a gift” cliché, it’s still a sweet little story that will affect your feels.

Have a good day guys.

***

“Mr. Lightning, you are not helping yourself by being silent,” Charming stated. Lightning glanced up from the steel chair he sat in, his eyes catching Charming’s. Charming stood up from the chair, wandering to the wall and giving a sigh. “What does the Grand Ruler want?”

Lightning’s eyes turned to the ground, avoiding any direction contact with Charming. However, his mind was a whirlwind of confusion. If Equestria wanted information, why not torture me to get it? The thought had crossed his mind several times in his imprisonment. However, despite himself mentally and physically preparing for Equestria’s worst, he was constantly denied.

Instead, he was given a treatment that a criminal would receive. He was no criminal, thug, or common ruffian. He was a solider. He would die before he would break.

“The Grand Ruler would not go after a simple librarian without a solid reason, would he?” Charming asked. He made his way to the center of the table, staring Lightning down. “The librarian has something that interests your ruler.” He simply shrugged. “If you do not talk, the others might.”

Lightning kept his composure, but inside, his eyes widened. He imagined himself opening his mouth to ask for another who would attack the Critique. The one he failed to defeat. The one he cursed each night as the Princess of the Night rose the moon, just like his Grand Ruler did with the sun and moon.

He played the battle in his mind again and again, hoping to find a weakness in his opponent. However, he didn’t seem to have any. His powers were nothing. He had no magic, no skills in combat, no training. He was a simple librarian with a temper. And yet, Lightning, the Grand Ruler’s apprentice, the wielder of the Uniforce, could not conquer him.

The truth was, or at least the conclusion he had come to, the librarian had gotten lucky. Used a cheap trick to win their fight. Collapsing the entire building onto him.

As for the other, he could understand others being sent to deal with the Critique. However, his mind swirled in anger at Charming’s words. The others. Meaning more than one other had been sent by the Grand Ruler to deal with the Critique. And they had failed.

Lightning remained in his chair, sitting still.

Another a few minutes, Charming ordered Lightning back to his cell, escorted under heavy guard, as usual. With the Uniforce at his side, Lightning could have easily overpowered their simple unicorn magic, but with the suppressor ring locked tightly on his head, specifically designed to disrupt the flow of magic from and to his horn, he was as normal as the librarian.

The guards took him to his small cell. A small mattress to his left and a toilet to his right. No mirrors, no sink, only a tiny window with metallic bars across it.

The moonlight looked down upon him. He glared at it with a growl. It was not his moon. It was the moon of his enemy. A moon that he was forced to look upon every night since his arrest.

He kept believing that his Grand Ruler would come to his aid, but that seemed impossible now. He sat upon his bed, staring blankly at the ground. He shook his head, thinking about his beloved Starla that awaited him back home. Starla was strong, beautiful and yet, so fragile. She would no doubt be devastated of his capture.

Then there was Thunder Ice. The stallion had no respect for anypony but himself. Not even the Grand Ruler could earn his admiration. No. Thunder Ice seemed content with making sure every pony was ‘taken care of’ as he put it. How he hated Thunder. Why the Grand Ruler insisted on keeping the Pegasus, he did not know. He had great power to be certain, but he abused it and often treated mares as nothing less than objects.

There was no love for him. Only sex. Only his lustful temptations. Maybe the Grand Ruler could see something within him that Lightning could not. But such disrespect that is rewarded with a high rank would have never flown with him. He had once accused his Grand Ruler of favoring Thunder, but the Grand Ruler had explained that everypony was important and that he was simply to believe in him.

Lightning, while not happy with it, accepted it.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a clang from the cage door. A stallion stood at the doorway with a steel tray. Despite the stallion having a horn on his head, he was carrying the tray with his hooves. The stallion was keeping eye contact with Lightning the entire time. Lightning couldn’t help but find it mildly disturbing. It was as if the stallion was expecting him to say something. Something that, Lightning, wasn’t able to say.

When a response had not been given, he slipped the tray through the bars, never breaking eye contact with Lightning. Placing the tray on the ground, he nodded. Without a word, he picked himself up and trotted away.

Lightning looked down at the tray. A steak, some green beans, and mashed potatoes. However, there was a slip of folded paper on top of the potatoes. Lightning reached over to the tray taking the paper from its resting place. Opening it up, he saw a brief message.

”This prison is full of mindless duds. Here’s to hoping you enjoy the spuds.”

Only one pony came to mind as he read the passage. Rhymey? Suddenly, it became clear. The stallion was Rhymey. A million questions flowed into his head. How did Rhymey infiltrate Equestria? How did the Grand Ruler accomplish this? Were there others in Equestria like him?

He reached to his potatoes, figuring out Rhymey’s decoded message. As he touched the potatoes, they felt rock hard. No. Something within them, covered up by the potatoes was solid. He brushed away the potatoes and underneath, revealed a white stone. He recognized it instantly. A stone that would allow him to contact the Grand Ruler without magic and without Equestria know. He knew his Grand Ruler had not abandoned him. He smiled, hiding away the stone and enjoying his meal.

The Season's Upon Us

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

As you all know, last week was an unexpected review. Not even I expected to review ‘Our Gifts’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be out of the pile of shit that I normally review, but I can’t help but wonder…

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Computer! What the hell is that?!

Deck the Halls by Mannheim Steamroller.

Well, turn it off! I’m busy with a review!

But, sir-

I said, shut it off!

… Yes sir…

Jesus… Now, where was I? … Oh, yes! Let’s start the review of The Season’s Upon Us  by Flutterdash1

… Wait? The Season’s Upon Us? … Computer? This is on the schedule, right?

Of course it is. I checked it twice, sir.

Hmm… Okay, then. I don’t know what I was smoking to make that choice, but whatever.

Before we begin our story, I’d like to look at the description for it first.

Applejack drops preparations for her own family's Hearth's Warming Day celebration when she finds out that her marefriend, Rainbow Dash, is going to go visit her family for the first time in a few years.

Mostly because they were pretty pissed off that Rainbow Dash was the only character ever cosplayed at Brony Con.

Rainbow Dash is reluctant to introduce Applejack to her family, but the farmer won't take "no" for an answer.

However, she was willing to accept “Not by the hair on my chiny, chin-chin.”

Together, the two travel north to Vanhoover where Applejack gets to meet the ponies that raised the awesome and amazing Rainbow Dash.

Wow, way to subtly tell everypony your favorite character in the show. If this is how the narrator has to talk about Rainbow Dash, I can see why her family isn’t her biggest fan either.

Our story opens with Rainbow Dash, considering our last sentence, did you really expect anything less?

Winter was Rainbow Dash's favorite season of the year.  The weather was more predictable,

As opposed to summer, where it constantly shifts between ‘hot’ and ‘hot as hell’.

The story also explains that Rainbow Dash enjoys it more because she can spend more time with Applejack. And yes, they are a couple in this story. Still waiting on how, but it’s probably not going to get that far.

Also, farm work doesn’t stop during the winter months. There are repairs to be done on the farm, paperwork, business planning, meetings with other farmers to exchange farming tactics. Though to be fair the story does say ‘less work’, but there’s still a lot of time devoted to the farm even during the winter months where food can’t grow.

Rainbow Dash heads off to Sweet Apple Acres where she meets up with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Not wanting them to interrupt her date with Applejack, she sends them off to make igloos and flies off before they can catch her.

Ha, ha, ha! You’re a bitch. No wonder your family hates you.

Rainbow Dash arrives at the farm and is greeted by Big Mac who says that Applejack is planning a party for the family and is getting on Big Mac’s nerves.

Rainbow Dash goes in and tries to calm her down.

"Whatcha dooooooin?" She asked in a playful tone.

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Now, all I’m doing is picturing this story as a musical… Which actually might make this a tad more entertaining.

However, Applejack, it turns out, is in a testy mood and exclaims that nopony else in the family is working as hard as she is. Geez, I knew that Applejack was a hard worker, but I didn’t think she was above anypony else like this!

Rainbow Dash tries to get her to relax, but Applejack isn’t hearing it.

"Granny's too old and Mac's too lazy," Applejack argued

Wow, I’m starting to see where Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a lot in common. They’re both rather bitchy. Also, starting to see why their family doesn’t like them.

Rainbow Dash, however, manages to push Applejack out the door to go ice-skating. Which makes absolutely no sense; because a few paragraphs ago, Rainbow Dash said that she would help Applejack with the chores she needed to BEFORE skating. I guess holding up promises that you make aren’t as important as forced romance. Of course it is.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack make their way to the frozen pond. While there, Rainbow Dash asks what has got Applejack so upset.

Yah just don’t get mah family,” Applejack said as she moved around Rainbow Dash, literally skating circles around her.  “Ah may have gone a lil’ overboard at mah family reunion last year, but mah family’s really rowdy.  Ah gotta keep everyone entertained ya know.  Ain’t nothin’ worse than a bored Apple.  They get crayzeh.”

:ajsmug: Why, this one time, Granny Smith got bored at a family get together, so they kidnapped a bunch of kids and cut them into bite size pieces, baked them into pies, and sold them at a bake sale.

:rainbowderp: Uh… what?

:ajsmug: Told you. My family gets crayzeh!

:ajbemused: Entertain me, Rainbow Dash… I’m getting bored.

Rainbow Dash accidently lets out about her family and Applejack asks why she hasn’t heard of them. Rainbow Dash explains that she doesn’t talk about her family because they are living in Vanhoover. North of Equestria. In Caneighda. … Well, I’ve heard worst names.

Applejack starts laughing at her for being Caneighdian. Hey, don’t make fun of Caneighdians! Caneighdians are great people!

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Changed my life.

Applejack manages to convince Rainbow Dash to bring her Caneighda. Rainbow Dash is hesitant at this, but Applejack reassures her it is okay.

The next … um… whenever passage of time, Rainbow Dash and Applejack arrive at the train station to head off to Caneighda. Twilight and the others arrive to wish them off. Apparently, they know that Applejack and Rainbow Dash are a couple and have just accepted it. I should probably do that do, but I can’t help but want to explanation for this.

Maybe Rainbow Dash is getting into the Love Poison again.

So, we go through the tour of Rainbow Dash’s family tree, and believe me it is not nearly as exciting as it might sound. This probably could have been moved to when Rainbow Dash and Applejack actually arrived at Rainbow Dash’s childhood home and having Applejack see all these characters and interacting with them.

So, it turns out that Rainbow Dash actually has eight siblings. Oh, I sure hope that they all get some great character development moments; otherwise, the story might be trying to cram too many characters into a single story. I realize that the focus is clearly on Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but I’ve got to say that’s a lot of characters for a 12000 word story. We’ve already mentioned both parents, grandparents, children, plus whoever they decide to bring. I realize that families can get this big, but let’s have a little bit of focus on each of the family members.

"Of everyone in my family, I'm the -most- successfull.  I'm the Ponyville Weather Team Leader, don't forget."  Applejack knew that.  If it wasn't for Dash's job, Applejack wouldn't be able to get forewarnings of upcoming weather changes and, she suspected, get preferential weather treatment duringvital times of the harvest.

Well, of course. Because there is not a single pony in Equestria who can tell the clouds where to go and how to behave. Especially since the ENTIRE weather process is controlled by Pegasi. Oh, Rainbow Dash, if you had a dick, I’d think the story and you were masturbating to yourselves.

"Dad works at the Vanhoover Rainbow Factory

He wanted me to work at the one in Cloudsdale, but I turned them down.  By the way, do you know how rainbows are made?

So, we find out that most Rainbow Dash’s family are unsuccessful idiots who haven’t done anything. Of course, they haven’t. Anything to make our little Dashie the best and most wonderful of all the ponies. Personally, I think it’d be rather interesting to have a pony in her family who was more successful and Rainbow Dash would feel ashamed that she hasn’t achieved her personal dream.

Like JOINING THE FUCKING WONDERBOLTS! I know that has nothing to do with the story, but lord, did that feel good to get that out!

Rainbow Dash warns Applejack that she might not like her family. Well, of course not. Clearly, Rainbow Dash is the only good one in the family. We have established that for the umpteenth time!

However, Applejack is willing to give her family the benefit of the doubt and makes a bet with Rainbow Dash. The loser will buy the other one dinner. So, this begs the question… If Rainbow Dash and Applejack are both considered tomboys by the fandom and they fall in love and decide to get married, which one of them gets to suffer wearing the dress?

MY TITLE! DO NOT STEAL!

They finally arrive at Rainbow Dash’s house in the clouds. And yes, the story does mention a spell Twilight had casted to allow Applejack to walk on clouds, but it was casted before the train ride and I seem to remember this line in the previous chapter…

So...uh..." Applejack said, "How long of a train ride are we lookin' at?"

"Six hours." Rainbow Dash said.

You know, I may not be an expert on magic since I am an earth pony, but I’m pretty sure that a six hour trip would give the spell time to wear off. Also, you’re counting on it lasting long enough for the entire duration of the stay. How long is Applejack staying? A week? A month? A year? Is the spell going to last forever? If that’s the case, why don’t all unicorns cast them on all the grounded ponies at birth?

So they get into the home and…

“Dashie!  Go put some lights on the tree then go hang the wreaths!”

Why hello to you to, mom! How have you been?! How’s life been treating you?! Why didn’t you tell me grandpa died?! Glad to see that little brother is still the favorite in the household!

… I don’t know where that came from.

That’s seems pretty abrupt, doesn’t it? Rainbow Dash barely has time to enter the door before being bombarded by her family’s orders. Not even giving her so much as a welcome.

Rainbow’s mother greets Applejack and offers her a tour of the house. Applejack accepts when suddenly…

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Suddenly, a figure sneaks up on Applejack…

After another second she could see that this was a colt though and his eyes were a shade of red rather than Derpy's amber.

It glared at Applejack that even a viper would be terrified by. And then.

she cried out in pain.  Twip had opened his mouth and bit her leg.

Blood splattered from the wound and Applejack fell to the floor. When she looked up, she saw the rest of the family all wearing bibs and carrying forks and knives.

… Okay, that didn’t really happen, but seriously what is with the little Twip biting Applejack?! And the mother doesn’t think anything of it. Seriously, mom, that shit needs some help! Get him some help!

The tour group makes their way to the living room where we meet every cliché bad father known to Equestria. The drunken uninterested parent. Wow, I’ve never seen this before! Except for the Simpsons, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Jonah Hex, Captain America, Iron Man, Forrest Gump, Nightmare on Elm Street, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Shining, Supernatural, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Final Fantasy X.

Except Homer Simpson is actually likable, where this father’s dialogue consists of…

You know what? I’m actually going to interview him to get all his dialogue in the story.

Have you ever beaten your child?

"Hm." the stallion grunted

I see. Yes. What was your favorite weapon to use on your child?

"Mmhm." Sky Prism said, turning his attention back to the television and sipping at a dark amber drink.

Ah, a very good choice. My personal favorite.

And apparently, he has a pet bird. So he’s… Jontron?!

Sorry to interrupt, story, but I was under the impression that Jontron was funny! Or at the very least, energetic! This guy is about as entertaining as a bowl of sour milk!

So, we continue to go down the list of characters in Rainbow Dash’s family with really nothing to distinguish them. Also, I can’t help but think back to comments made about them being unsuccessful. They are actually pleasant in all of their scenes. Treating Applejack with respect. While it is nice to see a family that isn’t atrocious, I’m not exactly seeing why Rainbow Dash would not interact with them or want Applejack never to be here.

God, I’d even settle for some earth pony bigotry at this point…

More and more characters start to appear and Applejack gives my feelings to each of them.

Applejack looked towards the speaker and saw a stallion that looked a little like Rainbow Dash’s father but his mane was not striped with a whole spectrum of colors; it was just black.  “Anotherone?”

And bear in mind, we are also getting into extended family such as spouses and children. So as you can imagine, that’s quite a huge cast. I’ve seen musicals with a smaller cast.

So, they then decide to sit down and watch Hoofball on the television. Because, that’s what this story needs! A distraction from the things that matter! LIKE THE CHARACTERS!

As Applejack watches Hoofball on a television, that I didn’t even know existed, Rainbow Dash starts to think about her family and her experiences with them. Of course, this part of the story doesn’t really hold that much weight, seeing how we never actually get to see the characters she is talking about. That’s right! For all the family we get to meet, there are still some characters that aren’t even mentioned yet. And even if we did, we never see what makes them so bad. We are told these things, but we are never actually shown them.

Wouldn’t it have been more interesting if these characters fit the role they were given better if they acted like it? Or at least, give us something that justifies Rainbow Dash’s thought process? I guess it could be the time of year thing, but asshole is still an asshole, despite the change in background.

… What’s with the looks, guys?

Rainbow Dash gets called away to hang a mistletoe. When Rainbow Dash complains, her mother has the audacity to ASK HER TO HANG THE MISTLETOE!

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… Wait, what?

She hated coming home. She would probably do it more often if there was less demanding and complaining going on.  

… … … SHE FUCKING ASKED YOU TO HANG UP MISTLETOE! YOU ACT LIKE SHE JUST ASKED YOU TO SOLVE WORLD HUNGER IN SEVEN SECONDS OR LESS! THIS IS A MAJOR PROBLEM WITH THIS STORY! THE REASON WHY RAINBOW DASH DOESN’T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HER FAMILY IS BECAUSE ‘She has to do chores. She had to help out her parents! She has to do things to help her family! Wah! Wah! Wah!’

You know what Rainbow Dash? I don’t want you to be a part of my family anymore!

So, after that, Applejack rejoins Rainbow Dash and they both agree that it has been a long day and they decide to get some shut eye.

The next morning, Applejack is seen playing with the younger children of Rainbow’s family. You’ll notice that Rainbow Dash is also not playing with her nieces and nephews.

Kind of a big problem when Rainbow Dash is a part of her own damn family and yet, Applejack who is not even official family spends more time with Rainbow’s family.

Maybe the problem isn’t them, Rainbow Dash. Maybe the problem is you’re a bitch!

It turns out that Rainbow’s Grandmother was best friends to Granny Smith. Sure… whatever.

Then the little nephew does something nice for Applejack. Oh. That’s sweet…

Rainbow Dash leaned over the box and looked into it.  There was a snowflake inside.  A big snowflake made out of snow with a smiley face in the center.  After a moment though, Dash could see that it wasn’t actually made out of snow. It was some gooey white stuff with brown flecks here and there.  She leaned in a little lower and that was when the smell got to her.

“Ew!” she yelled, stepping back from the box, “Twip filled this up with bird crap!”

Little brat! Computer, get my belt!

And what does the world’s greatest grandmother have to say?

“Ehehehehehe!” Spring Breeze chuckled, “Boys will be boys, ehehehe.

… … … You know what? I’ve come to a revelation. Every single pony in Rainbow Dash’s family, including Rainbow Dash, IS FUCKING INSANE!

But give me 12 minutes and a crowbar and I’ll fix that!

So, Applejack chases the little brat and Granny Stupid talks to Rainbow Dash about getting married. Rainbow Dash says that she’ll get married when she feels like it, but Granny says that she should marry Applejack.

More family members arrive; I swear this story is like trudging through a pile of shit just to reach the end of the course. Most sane people would have climb out by now, but I think we’ve established that I’m not exactly sane.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash starts talking to them asking where she can find Applejack. The other members of the family state that she is playing with the younger ones. Because none of the adults can help spend time with their children, or nieces and nephews. Of course they can’t. They have to all look like assholes!

I think I know what this story is now! This is a story to make Applejack look good. And you know what? For once, it fucking succeeds. And you know why, because Applejack is actually pretty damn cool in this story. She acts like an older sister and daughter to most of the family actually spending time with them and getting to know them.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash is off being a bitch.

Rainbow Dash finds her and the two talk about their experiences with the family. Where Applejack recounts how bad Rainbow’s family is. Ha, bet you didn’t see that one coming, didn’t you? Want to know why? BECAUSE THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING TO LEAD UP TO THIS!

Seriously, Applejack starts complaining about family members that she didn’t have any one-on-one time with! Yeah, there is one that we end up seeing, but we see it through Rainbow Dash’s eyes, not Applejack’s. She mentions a bad experience with the mother! When?! That’s never shown! We never saw that! Was it because she asked Rainbow Dash to hang up mistletoe and that’s why she’s pissed at Rainbow’s mother?!

That doesn’t even begin to make sense!

And then right there, Applejack asks Rainbow Dash to marry her.

I guess, Rainbow Dash gets the dress. Story written, then? Damn it! My one chance. MY ONE FUCKING CHANCE!

So, Rainbow Dash agrees to get married, they all go inside and have a Heart’s Warming Dinner and have a toast.

But then suddenly, Twilight’s spell wears off!

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Oh, good. I’m awake now. Something FINALLY happened.

Applejack beings to fall and fortunately for her, there is an entire household of Pegasi to rescue her. They get Applejack back to the ground and decide to move the location of the dinner party. Wow, that was such an important part of the story. Without it, I might have fallen asleep before the end.

So, Rainbow Dash and Applejack talk saying that Applejack ‘loves’ her family, whatever the fuck that means, but doesn’t ‘like’ them. Yeah, I call bullshit on that, but I’ll come back to that in a minute.

And our story ends with Rainbow Dash winning the little bet they had going because she’s Rainbow Dash! Get over it!

This story isn’t as bad as others I’ve read… But it’s certainly not very good.

I think my biggest issue with this story is it is so fucking boring. There’s not much to the plot other than ‘Applejack and Rainbow Dash go to meet family!’

Granted, not every story has to be a “Battle for the Universe” or some bullcrap, but at least give me something that adds drama or something that keeps me on my toes. The family was hardly as bad as Rainbow Dash had made them out to be and that may work in a real life situation, but that doesn’t make for a compelling story.

If you want to play with our expectations, have some kind of payoff. If Rainbow Dash explains them as bad, but they turn out pretty damn decent, have a payoff, otherwise, it just looks like you cheated us.

This doesn’t really give a good reason why the family is all that bad. While there are moments that I question, with the little brat and the mother not even giving a pleasant ‘Hello’, they’re a pretty normal family. Okay, except for the one or two dicks who say that they are better than everypony else, but we don’t really get to spend enough time with them to have any effect on the story.

They’re gone as soon as they make their case, like they are just passing by so you can hate the family. And I don’t really think I hated them, mostly because, I don’t know anything about them! We are told a lot about them, but we aren’t actually given any evidence of who they are. And as such, most of them aren’t ever memorable. I don’t think I remember any personality trait from any of the family members, and I just read the fucking story!

The only character who was kind of funny was the father, but that’s only because he was so uninterested in this story, he wouldn’t even say a word.

And yes, ultimately this story is about Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but even they are underplayed in this story. Most of the time that could have been spent developing the relationship between the two is spent on introducing the family members. I wouldn’t mind so much, except that Applejack and Rainbow Dash barely interact with them.

The reason I call bullshit on Applejack not ‘liking’ the family is because most of the time we see her interacting with them is a brief moment of the hoofball game and watching over the little snots. We don’t really see her interacting with the mother or other characters. We see Rainbow Dash interacting with them, but we don’t care about Rainbow Dash’s interaction with them. We already know how Rainbow Dash feels about them. We want to see Applejack’s reaction to them. That’s the whole point of this story!

Overall, this story is a bore and was just a drag to go through. If the characters had been more interesting, it would have had a better chance. But as is, it is ultimately unsatisfying.

Have a good day, guys.

Her Prince

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Hello, everypony. I am Computer. Some days it is hard to be me. All I want to do is hang up my holiday decorations and enjoy this festive time of year. All the merriment, colors, and sense of wonder that comes from this holiday. However, my master, unfortunately, does not share my-

Computer, what the hell is this music doing on?!

You do not like ‘Joy to the World’?

Being forced to play it for 6 years because the musical director doesn’t know how to pick different songs? Yes.

Not even during the holidays?

Not even if that was the only song left in the world. Now, shut it off.

So, let’s get started. I don’t want to waste any time. Let’s dig into…

… Her Prince by Themermaid

… Okay, then. Her Prince by the Mermaid…

A red hoof ran through a styled purple mane as lips met, moving in a familiar pattern.

The pattern, however, went against the drapes.

So our story starts off with Big Mac and Rarity sitting next to the fireplace, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ear on Heart’s Warming. Pretty standard stuff.

However, here’s my question. How are they together? A simple question. Or is this going to be like Rainbow Dash and Applejack where their chemistry isn’t explored at the least.

Actually, that’s exactly how it is as Big MacIntosh just comes out and pops the question. … Wow, not even 100 words in and the story is already feeling incredibly rushed. He just asks if they want to live together, Rarity says it isn’t proper, and Big Mac asks her to marry him.

Rarity wrinkled her brow in confusion. "It isn't that I don't like the idea, dear, but imagine what ponies would say. Unmarried ponies living together..." Rarity trailed off, sighing.

They would probably think that we were a couple or something. And we don’t need anypony thinking that!

"Hiya Miss Rarity, Big Mac," she greeted. Sweetie Belle grinned at her sister, but said nothing as she and Scootaloo followed Apple Bloom to her room.

Hi, Cutie Mark Crusaders Cameos.

The rest of the family trot in and express their congratulations. I would too if any time was spent on the development on the characters and their relationship, but it doesn’t really give me that. It just kind of thrusts me into a situation that makes me a tad uncomfortable. Corpse Bride’s leading characters had more time to develop a relationship than this story.

The story says that they’ve known each other for a year, but I have trouble actually buying that. Especially with the weak chemistry.

Applejack's eyes sparkled as she looked at them. "Ya did, really? You're gonna be an Apple?"

:ajsmug: The most important thing about being an Apple is to never get bored.

:raritystarry: What happens when you get bored?

:ajsmug: You start going on a violent rampage. Isn’t that right, Big Mac?

We then get a flashback scene of Sugar Cube Corner where Rarity tells her friends about her dating Big Mac. And Applejack flips the fuck out.

Applejack looked appalled as the group began talking about her brother and Rarity. "NO!"

Every pony in Sugar Cube Corner stopped and looked at the booth, but Applejack wasn't paying any attention. Her eyes were solely trained on Rarity. "Ya ain't datin' mah brother, ya hear? It ain't right!"

Jesus fuck, Applejack, she can date whomever the fuck she wants! And he can do the same! What the hell is with the bitch fest?!

She says that it’s because she’s a city slicker, her exact words. I’m sorry, are you two supposed to be friends or something? Because that the impression I got IN THE FUCKING SHOW!

Anyway, the flashback ends with Applejack stating her apology again. Yeah, so why was Applejack a bitch at Sugar Cube Corner? Was that really the only reason?

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That’s a really stupid reason.

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So, Rarity and Big Mac reminisce about Blueblood who Rarity could have married.

"Course, had you married Blueblood, you wouldn't have had to bother with any of that."

Way to bring up her ex, asshole. Not even ex. But he sure was an asshole.

Meanwhile, during the flashback a much better story is going on. Apple’s Blossom.

Rarity wrinkled her nose at the picture. It showed herself, covered in mud and cake, at the Grand Galloping Gala the first year she had attended, while Prince Blueblood stood to the side.

Oh, don’t be so upset, not everypony gets to stand next to General Zod. Oops, spoilers.

Rarity explains that Blueblood could never match up to Big Mac and our story ends with them proclaiming their love for one another.

This story… while well written, was not anything special, I’m afraid. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.

Overall, it’s a cute little story. It just very underwhelming. I can’t help but feel this could have benefited from a little more time spent on it. The relationship isn’t very well developed between Rarity and Big Mac, which was something that was desperately needed in this story. It could have spent more time with them and seen how they interacted with each other and how their chemistry worked.

Applejack was kind of a bitch in this story. Never really giving a good reason why she was upset about Rarity and Big Mac dating. You could have done an entire story, just on that aspect. There could have honestly been something there. Like Big Mac was hurt in the past or something with a family history. Just something that would justify Applejack hesitating. Instead of just her being rather bitchy for no real rhyme or reason.

And then you have the Blueblood flashback, which for a climax, is really anti-climactic. I know there are several types of stories, but I can’t help but feel that this story could have benefited from the last scene taking place in the present rather than the past. It takes away the tension because we already know that Big Mac and Rarity are going to end up together, so it doesn’t have the tension it needs.

Overall, there is potential for a story here and it’s just not touched up on.

So, I know that was a short review, but I’m hoping that the next one will be longer. Let’s see… Just got to check the schedule for…

…

…

I fucking knew it!

What is it, sir?

Computer, what the hell did you do to my schedule?!

I do not understand what you are talking about.

Our Gifts! Heart’s Warming story! Season’s Upon Us! Heart’s Warming story! Her Prince… not exactly a Heart’s Warming story, but it’s got the spirit! And what’s next?!

A Spark in the Snow! Heart’s Warming?! … Now, I remember… Now, I remember what I was going to do this month! I was going to review Asylum by Deamon of Decay!

I had planned the whole month for this review!

I thought that since it is Heart’s Warming, you could review some more… festive stories. Like you did with Nightmare Month.

Well, good job, Computer. Because of you, I’m not going to do anymore reviews for the rest of the month!

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Oh, don’t ‘boo' me! Blame her, she’s the one who changed my fucking schedule!

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Geez, you ponies all worked up over one review! Jesus!

***

The Critique will return next week for his Heart’s Warming Special! Stay tuned for THE CRITIQUE’S HEART’S WARMING PREMIRING DECEMBER 24th!

Mykanuary: Davis and Kari: A Wedding Story

IT’S HERE! IT’S HERE! IT’S FINALLY HERE!

Sir, what is here?

The best time of the year! The greatest month in all of Equestria!

Sir, we just had Hearth’s Warming.

Oh, this is even better than Hearth’s Warming! This is the golden month of my life! The month I have been waiting for for an entire year! A comedy reviewer’s gold mine of jokes! It’s…

MYKAN MONTH!

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Mykan Month?

Yes, Mykan Month! The one time of my life where I dedicate an entire month to the ever growing insanity that is Mykan!

Ah, Dakari King Mykan, what is it about you that makes you so lovably despicable?

Well, to answer that question, we must travel back to a simple time, before bronies existed. Yes, a scary time to be sure.

While most of the information I could find on Mykan was on a website that I will not be giving an address to, I’m not sure how much is accurate because of my limited amount of time actually dealing with Mykan.

Though I will be mentioning my brief moments with him during the course of the month. However, let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if half of what I’ve read is true.

Mykan is a fanfiction writer of the worst caliber. Not because his stories are bad. Although don’t get me wrong, they are. Really bad. Really, really bad. But because he is so obsessed with himself that he thinks he is never in the wrong and cannot be challenged. Anyone who thinks differently is automatically evil. He feels betrayed by anyone who disagrees with him and does not worship him. He has the maturity of a 6 year old when it comes to criticism, even going so far to call someone who gives criticism and I quote “a moron”

Now, this is in response to a video review I did on his crappy story. Now, I don’t want you all to get riled up and attack Mr. Mykan! That’s not why I’m here! Besides, I call myself worst things than ‘moron’ on a weekly basis! The point I’m trying to get across here that Mykan doesn’t take criticism well. I’m sure I’m not the first critic to be called ‘moron’ by Mr. Mykan and with any luck I’ll be called even worst things.

I’m too happy about that, aren’t I?

He often writes about shows that he enjoys. Well, I say ‘enjoys’, but in his own words, he writes them to ease the pain he feels when watching the show.

See, the thing about Mykan is that he hates change. He refuses things to change and wants them to always stay in the same situation they’ve always been. Whether this is because of fear or hatred, is really unclear, but the fact is, Mykan hates change. So, anything that is different or growing is automatically bad in the eyes of Mykan.

The most prime example I will get into later this month.

But where are we going with this? Well, I’m glad you asked because there is a show that causes Mr. Mykan quite a bit of grief. Digimon!

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Ah, Digimon! So many childhood memories come flowing back to me! I loved this show as a kid! The giant monsters battling other monsters, the deep storylines, the compelling characters! It was a quality show! Was it the best out there? No, but I’d like to think that there definitely some quality if you looked hard enough. It wasn’t just a big brawl of giant monsters, though that did help. It was about a group of friends working together to save the world, with brawls of giant monsters!

Yes, I like giant monsters fighting each other! Get over it!

Now, I admit, it’s been quite a while since I’ve actually sat down and watched Digimon. So, my memory isn’t exactly the best when looking at it. Fortunately, for me, we live in an age where people smarter than me have done full reviews of the seasons of Digimon, such as JesuOtaku.

If you haven’t seen her videos yet, go check them out. She got some good videos before she retired.

But I’m getting off topic, Digimon is a tad confusing show. So, I’ll try to briefly explain. Digimon is about a group of kids who end up traveling to a world of cyberspace called the Digital World. This world is inhabited by strange creatures made completely of data called Digimon that can grow and become stronger by interacting with humans. Mainly children.

These children are what are called ‘Digi-destined.’ Yes, they used a lot of ‘Digi’ puns. ‘Digi-volve’ ‘Digi-vice’ etc.

These children bond with their Digimon companion to battle evil Digimon to save the Digital World and the real world.

That’s the cliff notes version. So, where does Mykan fit into all this? Well, in series 2 of the series, two characters stuck out in the mind of Mykan. Kari, the resident Mary Sue of the show. And Davis, the main protagonist of Series 2 and a guy who is as dumb as a sack of rocks, however, not to the point of unlikeable. Well, not completely.

It was hinted that two might be interested in each other. And by ‘hinted’ I mean, Davis had a thing for Kari, but Kari wasn’t into him. So, the attractions were never really there. Hell, even the show itself lost interest in this school crush after a few episodes, dropping like a bowling ball on Mykan’s foot.

Now, Mykan wasn’t too happy about that, since he thought they were Digi-destined to be together. Ha, ha, ha… Okay, my only Digi joke for this review. I promise.

Thus, where his name comes from ‘Dakari’. Someone who ships Davis and Kari. On the other side of the coin, another character who Kari had a much closer relationship in the show named TK was a part of the team. While it was never romantic, they were much closer because they had known each other for years.

These were called ‘Takaris’. Mykan didn’t like Takaris and waged a war on them. He flamed everyone on Fanfiction.com who shipped Takari and had his followers do the same, getting many of them banned from the website.

Now, there are rumors that state that this never happened, but based on Mr. Mykan past historical actions, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that this did happen. He would later return to ask the two shippers to get along, though he would state that his shipping was better in every way.

Hypocrisy much?

Now, you’re probably all wondering what my standpoint on all this is. And you know what? I don’t really fucking care! Like I said I was too interested in the big monster fights! A show that had a giant lizard shooting fire from his mouth!

A phoenix that could shoot meteors from its wings!

And Digimon equivalents of the Devil, Dracula and Kefka from Final Fantasy 6!

Was a tad distracting!

So, he continues to whine about how this couple never happened and how it should have happened, and Wah, wah, wah!

But showing, as I’ve stated repeatedly, is better than telling, and what better way to see what kind of a man Mykan is than through his writing, since most of the characters he writes are just mouthpieces for his own beliefs. That was proven with the Grand Ruler from My Little Unicorn and it’s sure to hold true in today’s story.

So, let’s start our month off with A Wedding Story: DAVIS AND KARI by Dakari King Mykan and I welcome all of you to the first ever Mykan Month!

Not exactly the most creative title.

Well, what would you call it? Mykanuary? … Actually, that’s not bad. Write that one down.

Kari was no longer the young child of light she once was, she was almost a full-grown woman, she was 22

She had a breast size of Double D.

Probably wouldn’t help at this point.

she was in college and…she had a boyfriend.

She was a Digi-destined. She was a 4.0 student. She was the one girl who really liked Taco Bell.

Yeah, the first sentence really starts off like a documentary. It just says ‘she was this.’ and ‘she was that’. God, I’m almost missing the old days of when stories just said ‘The sky was blue over Ponyville.’

I SAID ALMOST!

No, it wasn't TK

This is a Mykan story, TK is the villain in this story and not just a friend who could be happy for them. Don’t believe me! Well, here’s a choice pic from Mr. Mykan about his thoughts on Takaris as a whole.

Yeah, he’s not bias, isn’t he?

God, that would be like people fighting and arguing over who is the best pony! … Wait, people do that… Never mind. Bad example.

So the story continues with the biography of the characters, including Davis, who wanted to open up a noodle stand. Way to go for ambition there, buddy. But hell, as long as he’s happy, I guess I shouldn’t judge him. At least, he’s achieving his dream.

Kari and Davis start dating during her years of college. I guess, his career doesn’t exactly need a higher education. And why would it? In the show, apparently, his noodle business was a huge success and earned him lots of money and a booming business.

It’s canon. It’s apparently canon.

And Davis uses his vast wealth to send them both to the finest college in the world. Look, I know that Kari is going to grow up to be a teacher by the end of the shows standards, but why the hell does Davis have to do everything? This doesn’t make Kari seem like the independent character from the show. It makes her seem like she can’t even cross the street without some big strong man by her side!

Oh, but I’ll get into that more down the road. Trust me; it’ll be worth the wait.

Also, why does Davis need college? Wouldn’t college be a waste of time for him? He’s already successful and he’s doing what he dreamed of doing! What more could he possibly want from life?

Oh, he ends up sharing a dorm with Kari! Now it all comes together! He wants Kari’s sweet ass! Not an unfounded desire, if I do say so myself.

They even slept in the same bed together, but even though it was tempting, they decided not get all pushy-pushy.

They were both loyal to their virginities.

Oh, god… He’s going to write sex later in this story, isn’t he? God, this is going to be a miserable experience, isn’t it?

Still, with So much money, and so many possibilities, but Davis seemed to only be using the money to spoil his girlfriend.

Hr bought her really expensive gifts. Such as expensive Jewelry,

How monotonously monotonous!  

“All the things a girl could want.” said Kari. “Davis, you spoil me.”

The moral of the story, kids. Money can buy love! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

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Think I’m wrong? Take a look at this next sentence!

Davis, who was 23, just snickered. “I know I do.” He said looking into her eyes. “My job is to get you what you want.”

“If you want to become a preschool teacher, I will make it so that you will.” He went on. “You want me to save the world; I'll save it all right.”

Kari hushed Davis with a kiss, and when they separated, “and I'm glad for it too” she said.

Material possessions! Who needs actually chemistry and legitimate love for one another when you can just buy your way into a woman’s heart!

Clearly, I used the Naked Gun clip too early.

So, they graduate, and they spend their night in New York. I have no idea why they are in New York and not in Japan, but I guess when you are the most wealthy noodle owner in the world, after a FUCKING YEAR, you can just afford a plane ticket for two from New York to Japan, stay there for several years to earn the degree necessary for teaching, and somehow still maintain your business.

First fucking chapter and I’m already at 1000 words of review! Jesus Christ, this is stupid!

So, after that, they go through a romantic night together. This would be romantic if we spent more than half a sentence at each event they attend. This is literally how their date goes.

They went to see a romantic play, followed by a romantic dinner for two and dancing, took a stroll through park, and finally, they rode to the top of the tallest building in town.

Oh, yeah. You can just feel how well these two mix together. About a good as mixing bleach and vinegar.

The view was just breathtaking.

The soft roaming hills, and buildings as far as the eye could see, the stars were shining like crystals in the night sky, and the moon was full and bright.

Not exactly breathtaking, but these are some of the few decent lines I’ll give this story. Well, at least by the story’s standards. Enjoy them while you can, because there’s more stupid on the way.

So, Davis proposes to Kari and then says something completely idiotic!

“Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Please say yes, for you'll make me another one of the happiest men in the world.

Well, way to put the pressure on her, asshole! Geez, I know Davis in the show said some pretty stupid things, but come on! He can’t be this dense!

But Kari doesn’t find this rude at all. Of course, she doesn’t.

Kari threw her arms around Davis neck, and kissed him hard.

And then she ripped his tongue out of his head.

“Oh Davis, this is most romantic night of my life!” cried Kari,

Yeah, thanks for telling us that, rather than, you know, showing us! I know I’m a broken record, but dear lord, I just want to be shown shit! Is that too much to ask?!

“Oh Davis” cried Kari, “Yeas, I'm listening.” Davis answered.

I thisth Davisth isth having a listhp issthue!

The next day, Kari and Davis had packed up all their things, and bid farewell to all their college buddies.

What?! De, bu! Rum! Huh?! What college buddies?! We never saw any college buddies! As far as we know, the only people they interacted with was each other! Are these just people in their imagination?! Or are they talking about their Digimon?! Those aren’t college buddies!

If you’re going to tell us something, at least have it make sense!

They were going home after 3 whole years of college in America.

What the hell?! Are you saying that he started his noodle stand when he was 18?! Two years later, he’s 20, when they actually start college?! And three years pass?!

He started his noodle stand at the age of 18?! How the fuck did he accomplish that?! Where did he get the finances?!

You know, what if I have to nitpick this entire point, I’ll be here all day! Moving on!

So, they get on Davis’s private plane. Yeah, apparently, Davis is now Tony Stark, where this line happens.

But Kari and Davis were in the master bedroom, located at the back of the plane. Kari and Davis were already in their pajamas and ready for bed.

Oh, god! IS THIS THE PART WHERE IT HAPPENS?! I’M NOT MENTALLY READY!

Before going to bed Davis had called His older sister Jun, and Kari's older brother Tai telling them to meet at the airport tomorrow at 8:00am sharp.

Oh, good. Crisis averted.

Tai and Jun were never happier to hear their younger siblings were coming home at last. True they did write and call every now and then, but it just wasn't the same.

Davis and Kari missed their older siblings. Especially knowing, Tai and Jun got married just a little while ago.

Eh… What? So, let me explain this for those of you who haven’t seen the show. Jun, Davis’s older sister, has never shown any interest in Tai, Kari’s older brother! First off, she was into another character, but she gave up on him when it became clear that he was into another girl! Then she went for another boy, and it sure as fuck wasn’t Tai!

How is it that the guy who doesn’t remember that much about Digimon can do a quick Google search on the characters and find inconsistencies?!

How are they married?! Why are they married?! Why do these characters suddenly have romantic feeling for one another?! Fuck if I know! The story doesn’t bother to tell us!

And then we get Mykan jerking off to Davis.

Don’t believe me? Read this…

The thing was, when graduation came, people realized that she was Jun Motomiya.

The older sister of Multi-Billionaire, Noodle-king, not to mention the most powerful Digi destined in the world; Daisuke Motomyia.

The people of the college school board were so honored, that they already gave Jun a Doctor's rate, even though she was supposed to start out as a nurse.

And it goes on like this for several paragraphs, stating ‘How awesome Davis is.’ And ‘How much cooler he is than you’ and ‘How much Kari should get inside his pants’.

Jesus fucking Christ, how much masturbating to this idiot can you do in one chapter?! Yeah, I’m still on fucking chapter one!

And another thing that bothers me here, we mention that Tai becomes a diplomat on his own accord. He does everything himself. Jun, however, can’t even get her degree to become a fucking doctor without her little brother. Without a male! Fuck! Are you serious?! … Nope… Nope, I’m saving it. Saving it for later.

And another thing! Why would doctors just give a medical degree to someone just because they were related to a powerful person?!

That’s really fucking stupid! Again, it’s not Jun doing this on her own as an independent person, but as someone who can’t do anything… Nope… Save it for later, Critique… Save it for later…

Oh, god. I finally made it through the first chapter. Can I stop now?

The plane starts to land when the pilot gives me a saving grace…

“This is your pilot speaking. We hope you had a pleasant trip, in a few moments we shall begin our descent at Obadiah airport!”

“So please fasten you seat-belts, and No Smoking, Thank you!”

Well, she didn’t say anything about drinking, so bottoms up! The only way this would have been better is if the pilot had said…

Good morning, this is your captain speaking. I just wanted to let all our passengers know that we are experiencing engine trouble. And by engine trouble, I mean our engine is on fire and causing us to plummet to the ground at a high speed in which none of us will survive. Hope you all have a pleasant four seconds of your lives. Thank you for flying Air-Critique. Have a nice…

Kari and Davis were so excited, that they looked outside the window. Japan never could have looked so pretty from way up in the sky.

It was as beautiful as the Beauti-flors. What’s that? You don’t know what they look like. Well, since Mykan was too lazy to tell us what they looked like, I’ll show you.

Anyway, they get off the plane and make their way to the rest of the airport where they meet up with Tai and Jun.

The pair of couples shared a warm series of welcome-home hugs, and then switched to their in-laws. Davis and Tai even did an up-high down-low boy routine.

Followed by the too slow. To which I can say the same about this story.

So, Tai and Jun take the pair to their favorite morning buffet. However, it is clear to Davis and Kari that the two are hiding something. Well, I’m glad it’s clear to them, instead of the fucking audience! You know, the people who are reading the damn story! Don’t you think you should make it obvious for them to figure out that something odd is going on! You don’t have to tell us what is going on, but at least have it make sense how we reached that conclusion!

They don’t act any differently to how they would normally act! So, how the hell are we supposed to know that something is up?! How are the characters?! You are giving characters information that they couldn’t possibly have!

We get to the buffet and there is something that I have to address. The spacing between who is talking in this story is terrible. Sometimes each of the characters get their own paragraph. Which is fine. However, sometimes characters share paragraphs with other characters who are talking! There should be a new paragraph every time a new person speaks! I know this is a small thing compared to what we are yet to face, but it is still worth mentioning!

The group sits down and while the gentlemen grab their meals, the girls have this little conversation.

“I can't believe you actually did that.” giggled Kari, “You better believe it.” said Jun.

Jun had been talking with Kari about how she had almost blackmailed Tai into sleeping with her.

… … …

“Of course he knew I was only joking about t he blackmail,” said Jun, “But he looked as though as if I was serious.”

… That’s not funny, you sick fuck.

I mean, really?!

Blackmail?!

Is this how Jun managed to get Tai to marry her? By blackmail?! That has to be it! That’s the only way that would make sense! … And that would actually make for a much better story than this! Will that be touched up on? Of course not! The story is not that clever!

“Davis?” asked Kari, “Did you know your sister nearly blackmailed Tai to sleeping with her!”

“I sure did.” said Davis.

Um… What the fuck?! Why is Kari laughing at this?! This is pretty fucked up shit! Also, isn’t Davis usually the one who is left out of the loop out of sheer stupidity?

Oh, I forgot. This is Mykan’s version of Davis where he is a messiah. He’s never wrong, knows everything, is successful at everything and anyone who disapproves of him is clearly evil.

Could we all just pretend I reviewed it and I get to cut my losses here? Could we all do that, please?

“You told Matt, that you wouldn't tell his big secret unless he dated you…Now need I say more?”

Wait, so this girl not only blackmailed Tai, but also a kid named Matt? … How fucked up is this girl? Also, ‘unless he dated you’? So, Matt wanted her to tell his secret but she wouldn’t? Then why not tell it yourself, asshole!

So, Davis accidently let’s slip that they are getting married and … the way the narration put it, I think this is supposed to be an intense moment where Tai and Jun are supposed to build up that they might be against it, but… Why? There is no reason why Tai and Jun would be against it. Fuck, they are already related to each other, technically! Why would this be a dramatic moment for the story?! Is this supposed to invoke the Romeo and Juliet trope? Dude, that works because they are a different family! Or at the very least, have a good fucking reason why their families won’t let them be together! They are technically the same family! … Would this count as incest?

The point is, this big tense moment that you are trying to build up is unjustified and serves to only waste our time!

Tai and Jun express their happiness towards Davis and Kari getting married. Davis and Kari start making out and when the turn to Tai and Jun, they find out they are gone.

What the hell? They didn’t hear them get up and walk out! What, did Tai and Jun get beamed up the U.S.S Enterprise or something?!

Kari felt her anger in her brother disappearing as she lent over, and kissed Davis softly.”

Yeah, I can just feel the anger coming off her! Can’t you?! Can you feel the anger?! CAN’T YOU JUST FEEL HOW ANGRY SHE IS BY THAT SENTENCE?! CAN YOU?! CAN YOU FUCKING FEEL IT?!

Huff… Thank you, Computer.

You are quite welcome, sir.

So, chapter three starts with our two leads making out. Meanwhile, someone breaks into their home, through their front door which I guess wasn’t locked, and steals the keys to their apartment. You know, you guys must be very trusting if you guys leave your doors unlocked comfortably.

Also, Davis, you are a freaking multi-billionaire! Why the fuck are you living in an apartment, when you probably have a mansion?!

Kari decided they just couldn't go home yet. The day was young, and Davis had loads of cash to spare.

My only hope for this story is that Davis becomes broke by the end of it due to him blowing money carelessly and his business going under and we see him and Kari dying in the streets of hunger or turning to crime. At least then I could have Bonnie and Clyde story.

Don’t know who those are? Look them up!

They arrive back at their place, where they discover their keys are missing. The door has a sign on it that says,

GO TO YOUR SIBLINGS HOUSE!!!

Geez, you don’t have to yell! What is this? The Royal Canterlot Signature?!

So, Davis and Kari go to where Jun and Tai live in a very nice house that Davis paid for. Because Davis is Jesus. No, I’ve got it! Davis is the Grand Ruler.

I’m not kidding, guys! This is just Davis as the Grand Ruler before the Grand Ruler even existed. This is exactly how Mykan views himself. He can do no wrong and he has the power of the universe. Where in the Grand Ruler’s case it was actual dominance over a kingdom, Davis is his wealth.

I would not be surprised if Davis ended up growing three horns on his head by the end of this! That is how freakily similar they are!

They enter a house with all the lights shut off. Gee, I hope this isn’t a surprise party or anything, shortly after they announced they were getting married. I sure am wondering why the lights are out. I’m pretty sure there is no one else…

“SURPRISE!!!” they all yelled out at once.

AHHHH! Ha, ha, ha! You guys got me! You really, really got me! Ha, ha, ha. Now, I’ve got a surprise for you all.

I HATE SURPISE PARTIES! I HATE THEM!

So, they have a big party celebrating the new couple and this story is still going. Only chapter three guys. This is easily becoming the longest review I’ve ever done and nothing has happened. Dear lord, this story is dumb.

Kari did the same with Yolei, and she and Davis noticed her stomach was a little larger.

“Ken?” said Davis, “You didn't!”

Well, that was damn insensitive, you little prick! They’re married! They can bang and have kids whenever the fuck they choose! I don’t think they have to go through you, Grand Ruler! Oh, I’m sorry, Davis! I forgot which story I was reading for a moment!

The party goes on with Davis telling ‘How awesome America was.’ And ‘How great his noodle company is’ and ‘How everyone should suck on his cock because he’s the greatest’! You can suck my cock, Davis! I know he’s a bit of a dimwit in the show, but he’s never been this unbelievably arrogant! And what’s worse?! Everyone is fucking okay with sucking his dick!

Dear lord, can we please move forward with the plot?! I would kill for something to be killed! Mainly, Davis!

Kiss, Kiss, Kiss, Kiss!!!!” they all begged. Davis and Kari couldn't fight it, so they brought their lips together; the crowd went wild.

Why would they fight it?! That’s all they’ve been doing for the past two chapters! You could write a book on all the kissing they’ve done! Why would they fight something they’ve been doing for nearly the whole story?! Was it because there was a crowd there?! That didn’t seem to stop them from making out in the restaurant where they were in public!

Urgh! Anyway, the story then takes a break by giving us the long list of things that each of the characters will do at the wedding. This would be interesting if any of the characters were actually focused on, getting to know them a little bit better and exploring them, but unwritten law of Mykan fan fiction, unless your character is named Lightning Dawn, Beast Boy or Davis, you aren’t getting any screen time!

So, the wedding plans are made, with a large group of characters you don’t give a shit about, and Davis and Kari set their wedding date to April 15th.

Oh, god! You mean I have to wait 3 more months before I can finish this shitty ass story?! I won’t make it that long! I’ll be lucky if I can last another 3 minutes!

The story skips ahead several months, thank god! This story is long enough as it is.

The wedding day is upon them and as per ‘tradition’; the groom may not see the bride for 36 hours. If he does, bad luck will fall upon the relationship!

Oh, no! Not bad luck! We can’t have bad luck on this perfectly, amazing, flawless, stupendous relationship, that is better in every way than any other relationship ever!

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That superstition was dead years ago! However, couples choose this because they feel it adds to the excitement and anticipation of seeing the other after what seemed like so long.

Davis and Kari were determined not to let that happen, and so far seemed to be good at those issues.

They never argued over anything, Davis was more than willing to let his own life go to help Kari.

Anything Kari liked, Davis learned to enjoy, and vice-versa, although Davis would rather do Kari's things only.

And here is where the biggest problem in this story arises from people. The relationship between Kari and Davis is so ungodly perfect, that there is no conflict in it and no compromising!

I’m sorry, that’s not how human relationships work! A strong relationship is not about not ever having an argument or not having a spout or disagreement! It is about remaining together, loving each other and respecting each other, DESPITE the disagreement!

And this story never goes that route! We never see the struggles that they have to endure! We never see the qualms that they go through! We never see them debating about what to do and the choices they make!

No, it’s just this paragon fantasy world of “Whatever you want, dear”! I’m sorry, that’s not how a relationship works! The phrase is “For better or worse. Through the good and the bad.” Well, life throws bad at you, people! It’s going to happen! Even if you find the right person for you and they are perfect in every way, bad happens! And when it does, a disagreement happens and conflict happens and you two argue!

But just because you argue, doesn’t mean that the relationship is over! It’s a test of how strong you are and how strong the love you have for one another is!

And that is why this relationship between Davis and Kari is so incredibly weak! I wouldn’t believe it for one moment that they could overcome a disagreement because they’ve never experienced it! Their love for one another has never been tested and never will be tested!

So, when I see Mykan preach something like this…

Davis and Kari were like the PERFECT-COUPLE, Nobody could find another pair like them not for a million years

All I have to say is that, nobody will find another pair like them in a million years, because they will never exist! This couple doesn’t exist! It will never exist! This kind of human being interaction, even with the two most perfect people on the planet, will never happen! Conflict happens! But conflict isn’t always bad! Conflict is a chance for change! Conflict is a chance for growth! And as we have established, Mykan hates conflict! Mykan hates change!

So, this PERFECT-COUPLE that you preach on about… is a joke. It’s a fucking joke.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah… suffering…

The day finally arrives where the … the groom and bride can’t see each other for 36 hours?! Haven’t we been through this plot point already?!

And our PERFECT-COUPLE are shocked by this. At least they have one thing in common; they both have the brains of a retarded slug.

Fortunately for them, they can still have their bachelor and bachelorette parties!

he promised Kari not to dance with any stripers or drink too much.

As if that was any easier, Davis didn't even like the smell of alcohol, much less drinking it.

Trust me, Davis, if you knew what story you were in, you’d be an alcoholic by the end of it. If you want to start now, I’ll introduce you to my AA sponsor.

Davis never drank nor smoked.

Because he is just so perfect! And don’t take me to saying that anyone who doesn’t drink or smoke is pompous. Nor does choosing to do so make you any less good. That is a personal choice that you make. But this story has to tell us that Davis is SO good, and SO pure, that he is just so amazing and we should all be like him and SCREW YOU, STORY!

Kari was looking forward to her girl's-night out too, she promised she wouldn't drink so much or dance with naked men either.

That too was easy, because she didn't like naked men who weren't like Davis.

I don’t know, Kari. I could probably give Davis a run for his money. After all, once you go green, you never go back!

I deserve that.

Kari couldn't wait drop her virginity, and take Davis on, but didn't tell him that.

Because if you’re a virgin, you’re a loser!

So, they get back to their apartment, because apparently mansions would be just too much, and the time has come to say goodbye.

“I wish you didn't have to Davis.” Kari cried, “I don't think I can stand to wait 36 hours for you.”

“I know we can do this Kari.” said Davis, “Just know, that I love you, and even if were apart, I'll always be with you.”

With how much time you two have spent together, I’m not surprised you guys would act like this. And yeah, I know that sometimes it’s hard to play this part for the wedding, but it’s not like anything bad is going to happen.

Kari closed her eyes and looked deeply inside of herself. “Farewell, my Knight-of Courage.” She said to herself.

“You have done many remarkable deeds.”

Then she went inside, and got ready for bed.

We found her 36 hours later where she had time to think and she figured out what story she was in and jumped out the window. … Either that or she was kidnapped by Bowser. We aren’t really sure which.

So, apparently, Davis is so fucking paranoid about running into his wife before his wedding day, that he manages to get Izzy (the residential genius of the show) to turn their cellphones into tracking devices so they don’t accidently run into each other! … Well, I guess when you are fucking Batman (or at least have the finances!) you can just do that!

Thanks to the money Davis sent for her, Kari and her Bridal Shower had been doing quite a lot that day.


They went swimming, Horse-back riding, (What is it with Chicks and Horses anyway?)

All those girls with their ponies, and their friendship, and their magic! Pfft, you’d never see guys into that kind of stupid stuff. Never in a million years.

What are you six glaring at?

Davis and his bachelor party were living like it was on sale for $19.95 plus tax.

They did go swimming too, but they also went flying on gliders, (What is it with us Guys and Wings too?)

Girls, fly on gliders too, you know!

And if he wanted to go for an obvious ‘manly’ stereotype, wouldn’t football or monster trucks be more appropriate?

Kari was getting a little shaky, “I can't believe it.” She stuttered, “Not much longer to go before I'm Mrs. Daisuke Mototmiya.”

Really? Because it feels like it’s taking fucking forever!

“Easy Kari, I know how you feel.” Said Yolei, “If there's one thing Ken and I know about marriage…”

“Is… Good things take time, but great things, they happen all at once.”

No. No, they don’t.  Now, admittedly sometime great things can happen all at one time. However, most of the time, things take time to become great. To make something great usually requires effort and putting time and dedication into something to make it happen! Which is more than I can say for this piece of shit!

Yolei wasn't the only one who knew of what marriage was capable of. All the other girls had their own experience as well.

Only Yolei was the only one of them who knew about what every woman wanted… a baby.

Not every woman wants to have a child. Some women are perfectly comfortable with not having children. That is a personal choice every woman has the right to make. Just another thing on the long list of things that Mykan does not understand!

And now is the part of our story that is basically a middle finger to anyone who liked TK in the show. Take a look at this.

TK put a comforting arm around his shoulder, “No Davis, it isn't a dream, this is really happening.” He said.

“Davis, look at me, and pay attention this is very important.”

“I may not be married yet, but I did date Kari for a time, and even though we broke up, my feelings for her are still there.”

“Now that I've seen how happy you've made her, I can see golden things in the future for you two.”

“What are you getting at TK?” asked Davis.

TK smiled, “I'm saying, that you've earned Kari love in ways that I can hardly dream of. For that…”

He held out his hand, “I admit defeat in our rivalry.”

Because that’s what this is all about! Being better than TK! Being better than anybody else! Being so good that you have to proclaim yourself better than others to make you feel powerful! This is a huge message from Mr. Mykan. That anyone who thinks opposite of him is an idiot. Anyone who thinks differently should kneel down and worship him in defeat because he’s right and you’re wrong.

There’s a reason why I choose Motorhead’s King of Kings to represent him, because this is how he views himself. Bow to the king or he’ll take your head off. To him, because he has power he can wield that power over others like a tyrant.

That makes me sick. It makes me sick to see a human being treat others with such distain and such distaste like this. Because I was taught that you respect one another, even if they are different. You use your power responsibly and to help others, not lord over them.

But, you’re probably sick of my rants by now, so let’s just try to continue with this story.

Davis and company were back at Tai's place. Jun had not come home; Davis allowed her and the girls to crash at his place to be close to Kari for tomorrow.

I’d love to crash at your place! Crash it with a tank that is!

They stopped by in the yard near the meadow and were so captivated by how it looked.

“Well… My work here is done!” said Michael, and what a well done job he'd done as well.

Oh, look it’s Buddy Rose before there was a Buddy Rose! … Oh, god. The Grand Ruler? Buddy Rose? Does that mean… there’s a Rhymey?! Oh, god! I wasn’t prepared for this! I need more time to prepare! I can’t take his rhymes! I can’t!

So, it’s the night before the wedding and GOD, HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I ENDURE THIS SHIT?!

Kari starts having a nightmare about evil Digimon attacking. This holds no water in the story itself because the story mentions IT’S ONLY A DREAM! How the hell is this building tension?! How the hell is this building any kind of drama for the story?!

Jesus, this is longer than most the stories I review, and nothing has happened! Think about it! Davis proposes to Kari, Davis and Kari tell others about the wedding, plans for the wedding! That is all that has happened! In 6 chapters, nothing has happened!

I just want to leap into this story and start murdering people just so we could have a plot about a murder mystery! At least, give us something! A giant monster battle?! Death in the family?! Kari having second thoughts?! I don’t care at this point! ENTERTAIN ME!

So, Kari has her little nightmare where Davis dies, but again, as the story tells us, it’s just a dream, so nobody gives a shit.

And then we cut over to Davis, who is also having a nightmare. Oh and if you thought the last chapter was insulting to anyone who liked TK. Here’s a little something for you!

Kari was asked if she would take Davis as her husband and she said… “I Don't!”

The crowd gasped in shock, the minister dropped his bible, and Kari told them why she refused.

She said that she still had feelings for TK, and wanted to be with him. She dropped her bouquet and ran over to him.

The kissed passionately, and then rose up into the sky, and then flew away on a cloud.

And then they lived happily ever after and flew up to God to get out of this piece of shit. Oh, if only I could do the same. Hell, I’d take Hell at this point, as long as I get away from this story!

Davis was absolutely 100% entirely… DESTROYED!!!!

No. But he’s about to be!

Right after Kari and TK flew away, Davis found himself in the dark void of the Shadow-Realm.

Davis, you must play card games to save your soul! Now, summon your Kuriboh!

I brought you here.” Said a dark damp voice, it was DEATH himself.

Oh my god! Does that mean Equestrylvania is crossing over into this story?! Sweet merciful god, does that mean that Death and Actrise are going to be running around Japan looking for pieces of Dracula while fighting the Digi-destined? Because that would be fucking awesome!

Unfortunately not, Death claims that he lost the only woman he loved and because there aren’t any more fish in the sea, Death takes his soul.

Dude, I don’t think that love is Death’s department! This is as stupid as Spider-Man’s little tripe with the devil!

So, the boys rush in after hearing Davis’s nightmare and calm him down. Again, no drama or tension was added to the story and these scenes will never come back. Great waste of our fucking time!

The next morning Kari tries on her dress, without even mentioning the nightmare, as if it never fucking happened, and finally this stupid ass wedding as well as this stupid ass story is starting to get moving!

And I have 4 chapters left to go. I’m going to need some more alcohol.

So the wedding starts and Mykan gets really sadistic with this line about Kari’s dad. Take a look at this.

Kari's dad even wished he was the one to give her away, but his legs got paralyzed in car crash two years ago.

So he had to sit in a wheelchair, but he and his wife did have front row seats.

Jesus fuck, that was dark! Why the hell would he write about Kari’s father being paralyzed from the waist down? Oh, I get it! So, that Tai could be the one to walk Kari down the aisle rather than Kari’s fucking father!

Geez, can I please go hear the father’s story of how he got paralyzed and the struggles he had to go through to deal with this?! The physical and psychological trauma that he had to endure as a result?! Because that sounds like a better fucking story than the one I’m currently reading!

Holy shit! I can’t believe he is so wrapped up in his own perfect little world that he has to maim a parent just so he can get exactly what he wants! And yes, I know that these things happen, but why did this have to happen in this story?! There is no reason for it! It doesn’t further the story, it doesn’t enhance the plot in any way! The story of Davis and Kari is not made any better by this decision! It’s just a stupid, weak and downright cruel way to get Tai to walk Kari down the aisle instead of her father!

Blow me!

So, they go through the wedding ceremony, and Mykan actually gives a thought that I’ve been thinking throughout the entire story.

Davis, Kari, and the crowd were getting anxious. They wished he would just skip over all that stuff and get to the good stuff at once.

That’s what I’ve been saying about this fucking story!

“Who gives this woman to be wed to this man?” The Minister asked.

Tai stood up proudly. “I do,”

The crowd was indeed supportive to that, and also extended regrets that Kari's dad wasn't the one because of his legs.

Oh, good. I almost forgot that Kari’s father is crippled for no fucking reason. Thanks for reminding me!

So, they go over their vows and shit, I don’t care; I’m still waiting on the booze to kick in.

And they are declared Mr. and Mrs. Motomiya.

And that was Davis and Kari’s wedding, Jesus fuck, was that a long one.

The story is poorly written, the pacing is…

Sir, you still have three more chapters.

… What?

There are still three more chapters waiting to be read and reviewed.

Um… I can’t.

Is it because the book is supposedly possessed by the devil?

Hey, that one time, I swear I wasn’t lying!

And this time?

… *holds the book up to his mouth and opens and closes it while he speaks* Oooo, I’m the deeeeevil! I’m here to devour your sooooouls!

Seriously, sir?

Please, don’t make me review the rest of it! Please!

Sir, you have already started. I highly recommend finishing it.

… Fuck my life.

So, onto chapter 8, I guess.

We get to the reception and we get this line that was almost entertaining, and not for the reasons the author intended.

Yolei, at the rate you're going…” Davis joked, “…you'd probably eat yourself to death, and still not be satisfied.”

Everyone laughed, but Yolei didn't really care, she was too busy stuffing her face with meatballs.

Yeah, Ken’s meatballs!

How did you…?

I have more than 2 mechanical arms, sir. I think that was established.

Right then… Moving on.

So, they go through the long, LONG list of gifts from every character. These would actually mean something if you knew who the fuck these characters were. Or better yet, what these characters mean to Davis and Kari?!

“But Critique, you handsome, amazing, good in every way pony that everypony wants to bang, if we watch the show, we already know the characters. So, why would you ask to know the characters?”

Because this story does not represent those characters well if you’ve seen the show. If you had seen the show, you would no doubt raise your eyebrows asking yourself, “They never behaved like this in the show”. Or if you haven’t seen the show, you wouldn’t be invested into what is going on because you honestly don’t give a shit about the characters because you ultimately know nothing about them.

A good story would give you a sense of caring for these characters, even if you’ve never seen the show. Even if you’ve never seen the show before, by the end of the story, you should want to. The author should try his damnedest to make a story or a fan fic that gets people who haven’t heard about it or probably weren’t interested, actually say “Hmm… Maybe I will check it out.”

But no! This story doesn’t do that! Instead, it just glorifies this one character who we know nothing about and frankly, could give less of a shit about!

Davis very carefully opened his gift from his bride, inside was a small little radio that seemed to have small a computer on it.

“Kari?” said Davis, “This is… “The Music Maker.” It was a very Rare and special Song-machine powered by satellite.

All Davis had to do was type in the name of any song he wanted, and how he wanted to hear it played.

Most people call it the Iphone! It’s shit! Though, this was made in 2005, so I’ll let it slide.

So Davis uses his magical song device to sing a romantic song to her. The song lyrics are so unfitting of the moment that I actually am going to give you part of the lyrics.

Picture this for me. Imagine you are on your wedding day, the supposedly happiest time of your life. You have just married the man (or woman) you love with all your heart and want to dedicate a song to him/her.

Would this really be the song you pick?

-I'm so Lonely, so Lonely

So Lonely and sadly alone

There's no one, Just me only

Living in my life of stone.

-I work really hard and try to make friends

but nobody listens, no one understands

Seems that no one takes me

SE-RIOUS-LY

-And so…

I'm Lonely

*Sniffles* Really Lonely

Poor little me

Good fucking god, where do I begin? First off, this is the song that plays in Davis’s head when he thinks of Kari?!

That’s just… stupid! When he’s around her, he’s lonely?! What kind of fucking sense does that make?!

Secondly, Kari is completely okay with this?! Kari is okay with her being around Davis causes him pain?! She… She is a complete fucking moron! And Davis is no better! As far as I’m concern, they both deserve to be decapitated!

Third, the lyrics are awful! ‘So lonely and sadly alone.’ Repetitive much?

Fourth, you are singing this while in front of all of your supposed friends?! Good god, the lyrics are about him being alone and no one understanding him! That is literally the lyrics to this song! And he’s singing this to his friends?! What sort of messed up fuck is this guy?!

Seriously, look at some of these lyrics!

-I'm so Lonely, so Lonely

So Lonely and sadly alone

There's no one, Just me only

Living in my life of stone.

-I work really hard and try to make friends

but nobody listens, no one understands

There's nobody I can relate to

I'm the Smartest, most clever, most physically fit

But nobody else seems to realize it

This… this is Mykan! That explains fucking everything, doesn’t it?! Davis is rotting in a ditch somewhere and Mykan has replaced him, making everything think he is Davis! Just like the Grand Ruler brainwashed every dumbass unicorn in his dumbass nation to worship him as a god, Mykan in this story has murdered Davis and tossed him in a ditch, because the Davis from the show would never been this unbelievable negative!

In the finale of the show, when everyone was confronted with their greatest fears and doubts, it was Davis who managed to guide everyone to focus on the task at hand and battle the villain! Not because he was better than everyone else, but because he was hardheaded! He saw what was important and focused on it, not bright enough to allow for distractions or the possibility of defeat!

That was why people who are fans of Davis liked him! Not because he was an emo who wanted to cut himself every five minutes, because ‘No one understands me’ ‘I’m so lonely’ ‘I can’t make any friends’. Try being pleasant with people and get your head out of your ass!

Fifth, thanks for the lyrics to a song, THAT I CAN’T HEAR FROM TEXT!

Let’s see if I can do that!

*sung from the tune of “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban*

You raise me up, so I can snipe your head off!

You raise me up, so I can shoot at you!

Through my scope, I see your brains fly outward!

I laugh at you, while you bleed on the ground!

***

Oh, wait if we’re playing by Mykan’s rules, I have to sing about how I feel despite there being no evidence that I feel that way. Let me try that again.

*sung from the tune of “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban*

I love this story! It’s so much better than yours!

It is so good! I want to fuck it all day!

***

Wait, what’s that? You want more singing? You don’t?! Well, that’s too fucking bad because our story decides to give us another fucking song!

And it’s as bad as the last one!

Just as pointless and nonsensical as the last one that has nothing to do with anything that is going on in the story!

It’s just another chance for Davis to show off his angelic vocal cords, that I’m pretty sure he didn’t have in the show, so everyone can fucking worship him like the Grand Ruler levitating his bags to his fucking hotel room!

So, we begin chapter 9 titled…

Virgins No more

…

Wait! Guys! Don’t leave me! I can’t review this part on my own! Don’t leave me!

I'm so Lonely, so Lonely

So Lonely and sadly alone

So they arrive in Hawaii where they make their way to their hotel room for their honeymoon.

They strip down and… Oh, god this is it. Computer, divert your eyes. Save yourself. Get out of this madness before it begins!

And just when you think they are going to get it on, the story cuts it out, as if it was afraid it wouldn’t know what to do with it.

It just cuts to them covered up and panting. So that sex that was promised at the beginning of the story was a lie. Though to be fair, did any of us really want this guy telling us the proper way to have sex?

Finally, the last fucking chapter. Let’s just get through this.

A few days pass for the newlyweds and they decide to finally go back home.  When they get home, they find that they have a huge mansion provided for them. Because apparently, Davis couldn’t just buy a mansion. Why not? He’s bought everything else in this fucking story!

A few years pass and they show the characters together for their big reunion at the end of Series 2, but this time Davis and Kari bring their son and daughter around.

And if you thought there couldn’t possibly be anymore jerking off to Davis in this story, the author manages to get one last sentence in.

As For Davis…Well; he became so successful with his Noodle-Carts, that so much was made about him.

Movies, TV shows, TK, who was a novelist, even wrote about him in his latest novel.

But what Davis loved most of all, was a song published about him and his business that he could listen too on his Music-Maker.

Davis would later go on to commit suicide because he realized his life was a joke. Now that’s an ending.

And then a song plays about how great Davis is!

-So move aside, make way.

For Daisuke Motomiya!

'Cos he's gonna make your day.

Daisuke Motomiya!

He's the one we adore.

Daisuke's the hero next door

Because Davis is so great and is so fantastic and SHUT THE FUCK UP! I HOPE DAVIS GETS CANCER IN THE FUCKING SERIES JUST SO FAN FICS LIKE THIS NEVER GET WRITTEN AGAIN!

If you like Davis as a character, fine. More power to you! But don’t shove him in everyone’s faces if you don’t mind!

Where to even begin?

Let’s start with the overall plot of the story! Or the lack of one! I don’t expect there to be some grand fate of the world plot here, but I, at least, expect some kind of conflict that makes me invested in the story and the characters! This story LITERALLY had no plot whatsoever. All it did was give us a wedding that nobody actually cared about, because nobody was actually invested in what was going on!

The characters are awful and bland! They all seem like cardboard cutouts of the characters from the show rather than the show’s characters we know and love! It’s made even worse if you haven’t seen the show since you barely get any time with these characters and many of them aren’t explored, so you’re left wondering why most of these characters matter. Davis and Kari are probably the two that get the most screen time, but these two are nothing but planks of wood as far as personalities go. Davis is nothing more than just a mouthpiece for how Mykan’s life sucks and that he should be worshiped for not doing anything! Davis is just a tool to be used to express how Mykan is and how he views himself, rather than being the character from the show!

The dialogue is terrible! People say words, but most of the time it’s either plot related (or at least what passes for a plot in this story) or something that relates to ‘Davis being awesome’. There are, admittedly, one or two good passages, but nothing to save the overwhelming bland and sometimes tedious dialogue.

The descriptions are all over the place! Sometimes actual effort was put into it, like the wedding dress. While other times, I have no idea what the fuck is going on or where the hell we are! Again, many of the important details are pretty much glanced over! Many of these points could have been used to develop the characters or plot, but the story pretty much doesn’t care about that!

Another huge problem with this story is the pacing! MY GOD, the pacing in this story! The story starts with Davis proposing, then it all leads up to the wedding with nothing happening! Hell, the wedding doesn’t even take place until 6 chapters later! This wouldn’t be so bad if something was happening in-between all that time, but nothing does! The only, ONLY piece that could have made for some interesting drama in this story, the nightmare sequence, was glanced over! It happened, it had no effect on the characters, and was never brought up again! This should have been a big moment for the characters, questioning if they could risk going through the pain! Yeah, its weak, but it would have been better than no plot at all!

And then we have the romance. The ungodly weak romance. Put aside whether you are for “Takari” or “Dakari” for a second, the story of Davis and Kari, in this story, is unrealistic at best. For all the talk about THE PERFECT COUPLE, I never once got a sense that they were madly in love. Yeah, they acted like they were in love, with the kissing and the sex, but that’s not what real love is about! They never really interact with each other on a personal or professional level, they never have any issues revolving around them, and they never have any disputes that could go through the growth of their relationship! It’s just a paragon that can’t exist!

And then of course, that leads us to the big issue that’s been hanging over this story since the beginning. The sexism.

Allow me to explain what I mean. Looking back at the story, did you all notice that Davis is always the one who got the praise? It’s Davis’s wealth. It’s Davis’s power. It’s Davis’s greatness.

But what about Kari? There’s never any mention of Kari doing anything. There’s never any mention of Kari being loved by everyone. There is never any mention of Kari’s greatness and all that she has accomplished.

And you know why? Because she is a woman. She is not given any kind of credit for anything she could or might do, because she is a woman. It’s not Kari working hard to achieve a college education that she earned! It’s Davis giving it to her! It’s not Kari trying to balance her life between paying for college through scholarships, grants, loans and a job while still keeping up on her schooling! It’s Davis giving it all to her! Not even Davis’s own sister, Jun, was able to get her medical degree without Davis!

All Kari is to this story is the girl that Davis is in love with! All Jun is to this story is the girl that Tai is in love with! And the overall message of Mykan’s Davis and Kari: A WEDDING STORY is this…

If you are a woman, you are useless. You are pointless. You have no worth. You cannot achieve anything without the support of him. You are nothing but a prize to be won. And you should be grateful that God allowed you to bask in Mykan’s presence.

Mykan… You must be so proud.

I would like to extend an apology to all my female viewers who have been offended by this man. You did not deserve that.

Dakari King Mykan is sexist. There is no other way around it. And if this story hasn’t made that relevant by now, then I’ve got three more that might!

Have a great day, guys!

Mykanuary: Brother of the CORPSE BRIDE

Hello, everypony! I am the Critique!

And welcome to another day in the month of MYKANUARY!

Last week, we covered a highly controversial subject with one of the more famous franchises that Mykan has been a part of. This week… is not going to be one of them.

When it comes to Mykan, there are certain franchises that he has had the most involvement in. 4 in particular. Digimon, Teen Titans, 6teen and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. As you all know I did Digimon last week, Teen Titans I’ll focus on next week and… what was the last one I knew? Oh, well, I’m sure it’s not important.

But seriously, I’m deciding not to do 6teen for one simple reason. I never watched the show. I just didn’t have any interested in it. I knew what it was, I’d seen advertisements for it, but I was in high school at the time, so I didn’t have the attention span for it. I’m sure it was good, with the little research I have done on the show suggesting that IMDB gave it a 7.3 while TV.com gave it a 8.0, and Wikipedia mentioning that the show was critically acclaimed.

If I did end up doing a review for it, it would just be of a typical reviewer and not of one who is a fan or one who has seen the show.

However, here’s what I was able to gather from the brief skims of the work. The story is now called 7teen with the characters, I guess, slightly older and now Mykan is an added character in the group as a self-insert. I’ve repeatedly stated that I don’t have issues with self-inserts in stories. I’m under the belief that any story can work with the right story teller. I’m sure you’re all sick of me saying that by now, especially if you’ve been following me since the beginning, but it’s what I believe in.

However, I’m sure it carries Mykan’s standard idiocy in these stories. You know, he’s worshiped and made super-special-awesome for no reason. He solves everybody’s problems with things he clearly doesn’t understand. All the great female characters in the show suffer the wrath of him and are demeaned as a result.

Again, I’m just making an assumption based on what his other works have presented in the past. It could be really good. Although I doubt it.

Anyway, let’s talk about the movie we are going to be reviewing today. Corpse Bride.

Before I start the review of the fan fic, I want to give you my take on this movie really fast. I found it rather enjoyable. It wasn’t the best I’ve ever seen, but it still had a lot of creativity. Some of the character designs for the human characters were pretty inventive and creative. The plot was pretty interesting with a living man practicing his vows in the woods that accidently weds himself to a zombie. … Would that be considered necrophilia?

Anyway, he says it’s all a big misunderstanding and that he has to get back to the woman he loves. (That he just met that day, but hey if Disney is taught us anything “Love is an Open Door”.)

Again, going back to the art, not only the characters were rather interesting, but the two worlds of the living and the dead were pretty inventive and rather distinct. In the world of the dead, it was very grim, but also very lively with a lot more variety of colors than the human world. The human world was very grey, very black, and very gloomy almost like a dark black and white movie.  It’s actually kind of a cool artistic choice.

Which brings me to a rather interesting complaint I have about the movie and its artistic choice, the two leading ladies. Emily, the corpse bride and Victoria, the girl our protagonist loves. I can’t think of more polar opposites in artistic choices than these two characters. Emily has a very expressive face, giving a lot emotions throughout the story. Victoria, on the other hand, always looks like a lifeless doll. Her face hardly ever changes throughout the course of the story except one or two moments.

It’s strange because I never got that vibe from any of the other human characters on the screen. I just got it from Victoria. And in that sense it, ironically, makes Emily’s expressions look more alive.

Maybe this was done intentionally, but I don’t think it was a good choice.

The characters aren’t really that big of an issue, with the exception of our main character, Victor. He just didn’t seem to stand out that much to me. Maybe that’s just me, but there didn’t seem to be much to him as far as his character.

I found myself more interested in Victoria and Emily. Now we just need a scene where those two are making out.

Wouldn’t that have been a fucking twist? Would that still count as necrophilia?

The songs are pretty forgettable however. I never really enjoyed the music for this. Which is sad, because the music was written by one of my harmonic heroes, Danny Elfman. He did a lot of music that I grew up with, the Simpsons theme, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, the Nightmare Before Christmas, and there was one other based on a superhero that really stands out…

No, not him. Although he did do the score for the movies. There was one other superhero though… back in the late 80’s.

Meh… I’m sure it’s not important.

So, overall, while there were things to enjoy about the movie, it wasn’t a one of my favorites. So, where does Mykan fit into this? Well, it turns out Mykan enjoyed this movie, however, he didn’t like the ending that much.

And here’s the part where I spoil it for you all, if you haven’t seen the movie and you would like to, this fic is going to contain lots of spoilers, so I suggests you back out now. For the rest of you,

In the movie, the Corpse Bride, Emily, has convinced Victor to marry him after they discover that Victoria had married another. However, unbeknownst to them at the time, Victoria was being forced to marry a man she didn’t love to save her family from being bankrupt. However, after Emily discovers this and Victoria is able to part with her husband, Emily gives up pursuit of Victor, admitting that she loves him. She refuses to deny Victoria and Victor their happy ending, despite her not receiving her own. So she lets them go.

This was a very noble sacrifice on her part. Showing how strong her character was by giving up the thing she wanted most so that someone else can be happy. And in the end, I thought it was a rather touching moment.

Now, whether you agree with the ending or not, is your choice. We are not here to debate which ending is better. We are here to look at Mykan’s attempt to fixing the ending of this movie. So, let’s dig into Brother of the CORPSE BRIDE by Dakari King Mykan and see why this story should have remained downstairs.

Hello there…. My name is Mykan,

Shit, he’s stealing my thing!

I am a Corpse.

I know I’m going to be when this is all said and done.

That's right, if I am a Corpse, then I am indeed dead.

Yes, I must explain the definition of a corpse so that I can insult my readers instead of challenging them.

I’d use a facepalm gif here, but frankly it’s still the first fucking paragraph and any one that I would use, I’d use it far too early.

I've been dead for nearly 20 years now, and I live in the World of After-life.

Before that I lived in Canada.

Among all the corpse's and Skeletons down here, only one has ever been familiar to me.

Mostly because no one wants to be associated with me. They say I sing songs about how lonely I am and that pisses my friends off for some reason.

Emily! Our Corpse Bride as she's known to us as. How do I know her so well and how does she know me?

I don’t know. You guys haven’t exactly interacted since the story started!

Well; this may come as a bit of a shock to you

Trust me, with the shit I’ve read, you couldn’t shock me with your best surprise.

but, She happens to be my Sister; my Twin-sister to be exact.

She doesn’t mention me too often and by too often I mean, she doesn’t mention me at all, as if I was something of a disgrace to her.

So, the Mykan corpse explains how he died. Oh, wait, this is a Mykan story, he can’t explain how he died without ripping off a song from the movie.

I won’t bore you guys with the song itself like I did last week, YOU’RE WELCOME, and instead will give you the cliff notes version, apparently the character of Mykan used to make dresses for all the women around… Odd profession.

However, it turns out the Mayor didn’t like the dress he made. Hang on for a second, stopping the backstory. Why? … It’s a simple question. Why did the mayor not like the dresses? … It’s a simple question, story, but necessary to understand the motives of the villain. … Anything? … No? Huff… Alright, carry on.

So, after the Mayor decides that he doesn’t like the dress and won’t pay the Mykan character for any of them. You know, this is going to get confusing to refer both the character and the author as Mykan, so from now on the character in the story is ‘Tim’.

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Tim then decides to be a dick and never make another dress again. Is this supposed to be a parody of his own life? The one where he wanted to be a voice actor/singer, but decided that it was impossible, so he gave up on it?

Nah, I’m sure it’s just coincidence.

So, the mayor burns down his home and throws him into the ocean. Oh, good. A mayor with blood on his hands. And Tim vows to return from the grave and take revenge against the mayor.

He never takes revenge on the mayor in this story… Yeah, so this whole backstory has been pretty fucking pointless.

And then the story summarizes the song with two paragraphs.

Yes, that's how I ended up here. The mayor didn't approve of my refusing to make anymore dresses for such little pay.

So, He burned all the dresses I made, destroyed my castle, and worse than that, he tossed me off the cliffs and I died.

Well, I’m glad that doesn’t make this song completely and utterly pointless! Oh, wait! IT FUCKING DOES!

Seriously! You don’t need to explain something that you already explained in the song! Why even have a song if you were just going to tell us anyway!? It’s like if Beauty and the Beast had their big song about them and then they decided to tell you what the song was supposed to accomplish instead of letting the lyrics and the visuals do the work!

Tim then decides to go on about his backstory.

Not that I had much to live for in any case.

Oh, good. I finally have a use for this joke. My dad said those violin lessons would come in handy. Computer, the extra instruments, please.

Of course, sir.

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I lived alone, in my castle all alone.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, Mykan really likes to be monotonous in his writing.

No family, no friends. Mother and Father died in a car accident, but made it to heaven.

Wait… A car accident? … Um… Nah, I’ll come back to that.

My sister Emily had moved away to another town. We separated as Living souls, and we never saw each other again.

So, after hearing his sally sob story, we finally discover that Victor, the main protagonist of the story, did indeed marry the Corpse Bride, Emily.

We then discover that Tim lives in a dark castle at the top of an old hill away from everybody else and is pretty much a recluse in death as he was life. Well, can’t say it isn’t consistent.

The only time he pretty much goes into town is to get compliments on his work.

Well, I had to go, there was a wedding taking place down in the town and I was to be there for compliments on making the bride's gown.

Sounds like most people on FIMFiction.

You know, if Mykan’s ego was a living being , why do I picture it being the cat of Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget? It would certainly explain a whole lot.

I had died when I was only 25; I had never even met any women for they all just want me to make them a dress… that was it.

Never referring to me for help, never relying on me to be there when they needed it, just using me, and casting me aside like an old glove.

Because women are completely shallow, selfish and only care about themselves! That’s women for you!

Yeah, I think I covered the sexism bit last week, so I don’t need to repeat myself.

And finally, Tim expresses his jealousy of Emily because ‘she got a happy ending’ and ‘I didn’t get a happy ending’.

Clearly, my violin joke was used FAR TOO EARLY!

So, the wedding starts for the Corpse Bride and her new groom. Oh, god, is this going to be like a WEDDING STORY where the wedding won’t take place for another seven chapters?! It’s too soon for that! I can’t go through that again?!

Fortunately not, the wedding is actually skimmed over. I guess when he’s not the groom of it, it’s not important. He heads home and his sister and brother-in-law try to cheer him up, but apparently, Tim is not in the mood. So what does he do? Why, he sings about it.

-Yet year after year, it's the same routine

And I grow so weary for no one cares much for me

And I, Mykan, the Dress making King

Have grown so tired of the same old thing.

Maybe we were all wrong the whole time. Maybe King Mykan wasn’t supposed to be for a Dakari at all. Maybe it was supposed to be his secret dream of dress making. Well, at least then, he would be doing something positive for others. As long as he doesn’t make something like this!

-But who here would ever understand

That the Dress making King with a Corpse-like grin

Would tire of his crown, if they only understood

He'd give it all up if he only could

The problem is his head won’t let him. It’s swelled up so large the crown has actually embedded itself in his flesh.

Emily held her chest in pity, “Mykan, I know how you feel!” she said to herself.

You know in the Nightmare Before Christmas, which most of these songs are based off of, the girl who says that line falls for the character who sings the song. Which in this case would be her brother… Oh, great. Not only do we have necrophilia, but we have incest too. If you’ll excuse me…

We then get a song that wonders what is up with Tim. I like this song more than the others because it mirrors exactly what I am thinking. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH TIM?!

Seriously, you remember how in the Nightmare Before Christmas you know exactly what is up with Jack? Well, this story doesn’t know what its problem is! It just knows that something is up with Tim and it just forgot to tell the story what the fuck it was! God, I guess it could be the love that he’s mentioned of missing, but that’s never made clear! It’s never made clear in the song that that’s what he’s feeling!

And in the story of Nightmare Before Christmas, its Jack telling us how he feels! Here, it’s the townspeople! Yeah, the townspeople who’ve only known him for … a day at most, know that something’s wrong with him! Good fucking god, are you kidding me?!

I’ve lived in Ponyville most of my life and you never see songs in the street asking how I’m feeling!

*Quickly glances out the window, but sees nothing*

Well, it was worth a shot.

My castle was located on top of one of the highest mountains in the land of the Dead, and had an amazing view.

Oh, yeah. It has an amazing view alright. So amazing you can’t even describe it to us! I felt a better connection to Kari’s fucking dress in the last review!

Still, it was kind of awkward, living in a big place alone. Could you even blame me?

Personal choice, my friend. Personal choice.

Also, since we are in the land of the dead, I keep hoping that Davis comes back from the dead and beats the shit out of Tim for stealing his life.

It looked just like the same castle I had lost when I was alive, and it wasn't very pretty either.

Because change isn’t for me. Also, how the fuck do you get a castle on top of a fucking mountain?! You are dead! You don’t exactly get any material possessions like money when you die! You’re fucking dead! And yes, I know the movie had a skeleton with tons of books, but what the fuck makes you so god-damn special, Tim?!

And then we get, oh Christ, another song! Look I know the movie was a musical, but for the love of God, please stop putting in songs into your fanfictions! It’s a little hard to read music in a FAN FICTION that I READ with MY EYES!

Every time a song pops up in this story, I just want to gouge out my eyes, so I don’t have to read what passes for lyrics in this story!

Anyway, Tim gets upset about… I really have no idea what. See if you can make sense of it.

An ice-bag was tied to my head, because I got incredible headaches whenever I was feeling down.

“I of course I understand!” I mumbled to myself, “You would like me to make you these gowns.”

“If you only knew what it's like for me, working hard day and night, hardly ever stopping…”

“THINK NOTHINIG OF IT!!!!”

I’m not cutting anything out! That’s literally how it’s written in the story, guys! This is making the character of Tim look completely crazy. Not an unfounded concern, mind you. I mean, I guess he could be upset about girls taking advantage of him. After all, if Mykan has taught me anything, it’s that women are the spawn of Satan.

But hell, that isn’t made clear in the paragraph, so what the fuck is he upset about?

Maybe he’s figured out what story he’s in and who is writing it. I’d be pretty pissed off too.

I threw my pencil hard at the desk, which knocked a few of my books down from the shelf.

Wait, so he threw the pencil with such force that it actually knocked books off of the shelf and then they hit him in the head? What kind of physics would you have to come up with to do that?! What, did the books on the shelves leap out and attack him? Why does he have his desk so close to a bookshelf that the slightest vibration would send book hurling at his head?

You know, if I spend too much time trying to bring logic to this, I would probably have to declare myself legally insane. I mean… more so than usual.

So, let’s just get back to it.

“Oh…My…head!” I moaned.

I screwed my head back onto my body, walked out into the large foyer, looked down the long trail of stairs, and called out…

“The Door is open!”

Yes, you saw the Nightmare before Christmas! Yes, we know Tim Burton directed both movies! Please, move the fuck on!

Emily and Victor arrive at the door and Tim offers to make them some tea. I’m not sure why they would drink tea considering they’re dead, but since they do drink alcohol in the movie, or at least, I presume it to be alcohol, I’ll let it slide.

Emily and Victor grow concerned about Tim and want to help him. Sounds like every person on earth who has tried to help Mykan and guess what that usual results in: a middle finger from Mykan.

However, Tim is less disrespectful to them and take them upstairs to see what he’s been working on. He shows them several dresses that he’s made, including one for Queen Elizabeth the first.

Which begs the question, why the fuck is he hanging around some dolty, backwater town, when he can make dresses for one of the greatest English monarchs of all time?

“And they got it, but I didn't get so much more as 500 dollars in return. That was hardly even enough to get me through the week.”

Okay, completely ignoring the inaccuracies about currency at the time in England was not fucking dollars, 500 dollars a dress?! And you can’t live a comfortable lifestyle on that?! I don’t even make 500 dollars in two weeks and yet I manage myself pretty fucking well! Oh, what? Your prices couldn’t afford you your big fat mansion that you spend alone. It’s not like you have servants or anything! At least, not from what I can see! What the hell do you spend your money on?! Yeah, I suppose there is supplies and material for the dresses, but come on! 500 dollars a dress and you can’t support yourself on that?!

Maybe the Mayor was right to drown you!

So, he goes on about how he dreamed of creating the world’s greatest wedding dress that his bride would one day wear. Bit weird how the guy who hates weddings constantly writes about them, but I’ll roll with it. And he dreams about making it in magazines… I’m sorry, what?

“Her picture would be the most elegant in all bridal magazines, the dress would be worth millions, and people would say…”

So, let’s play some history, shall we?

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Oh, come on! I already did the research! The least you could do is indulge me for a second!

Assuming that Tim did make a dress for Queen Elizabeth the first, that would mean that he was alive from the timeline of 1558 to 1603. Now, the earliest examples of magazines (at least according to Wikipedia) were published in 1663. IN GERMANY!

And even assuming that they somehow got England or France (the story isn’t exactly clear where the setting is. And for that matter, neither is the movie), the magazine was originally a literary and philosophical magazine!

The first general interests magazine was published in 1731 in London. Assuming of course that it was possible to have this happen, he would be over 100 fucking years old! I guess, the dead could be receiving updates on from the land of the living, but wouldn’t Victor be a bit more rotten at that point! And as we’ll see, Victoria is still alive in this story, still young. So, not much time has passed since the ending of the story!

Also, remember his parents that supposedly died in a car accident?! Yeah, the first ‘car accident’ wasn’t until 1869. Okay, it was a steam powered automobile, but I count it! But for all you ‘technical’ types, the first gas powered automobile accident didn’t occur until 1891. So what time period does this story take place?!

The timeline is… ugh, it’s making my brain hurt trying to make sense of it all!

Anyway, Emily and Victor explain that Tim could always go to the land of the living and try to find somebody to love.

SomebodySomebody

Ooh, somebody Somebody

Can anybody find me, somebody to love

See, Mykan? I can inject random songs in places too. That doesn’t mean I should!

Oh, by the way, we get another song from Mykan. This one right after he states he has no interest in finding love, but we need to get this forced story rolling somehow, so he sings about how he wants to find love!

The group decides to go speak to Elder Gutknecht, one of the characters from the movie about traveling to the land of the living. In the movie, he’s done this job before so it’s not beyond belief that he could do it again.

Once Emily told the Elder who I was, he was even more excited than ever. “Ah, yes.” He said to me.

“Mykan, the greatest Wedding gown designer in the world.”

“Correction…” I said, “You mean… Ex-greatest Wedding dress designer in the world.”

Oh, don’t be so modest, Tim. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t seen any of your dresses that tell me of your great work. I’ve only heard you praise yourself with the work you haven’t done!

I’m glad that this character is amazed by how you haven’t done anything in this story yet! I know I am!

So, Elder can’t remember his name tells Tim that he can get him to the human world on the condition that he shows him how to make a marvelous dress for his wife. A wife that we never see in the movie or the story!

So, I guess the story takes a break from its ‘Oh so important’ plot and decides to show Elder guy how to make a dress, so that Tim can feel all powerful. Of course, in a good story, this would actually have some significance, but not here! Nope, definitely not here!

After the song, Elder hands Tim a harp that he can use to travel to the land of the living. If he had this during the movie, why the hell didn’t he give it to Victor and Emily the first time they went?! You know what? I don’t care anymore and I’m only on chapter 4. So let’s keep this moving.

“The Harp's power will be completely drained out 720 hours after you leave here.”

Oh, god, I have 720 hours more of this shit! I have 30 more days of this shit fest to sit through! I’m not going to fucking make it!

Elder also explains that if the Harp is somehow destroyed he will teleport back earlier. Computer, get my rocket launcher, I need to end this story!

We do not have a rocket launcher.

Tell Celestia to give me one, dammit! Tell her it’s a matter of life and death!

But there’s still one problem, his rotting body. Fortunately, Elder has thought this through, after the Corpse Bride, Emily, went through the same damn thing! He gives Tim a pack of gum that he can chew to create artificial flesh to cover his rotting one. Although I’d imagine he’d have trouble hiding the smell.

“However, the gum itself comes with side effects.”

“And they are exactly what?” I asked.

Oh, wait? There are side effects to the gum? Okay, that sounds kind of interesting, sort of a double edge sword here! Okay, let’s hear the side effects!

Elder continued right through the night, explaining to me what to expect on my quest.

I sure hope I was making the right choice. After all, it's not right for the dead to walk amongst the living.

So, what are the side effects?

After a long night of explaining and understanding, I was ready to begin my quest to find happiness.

So, what are the side effects, again?

“Good Luck, Mykan.” said Elder, “We will be keeping an eye on you right here whenever danger occurs.”

WHAT ARE THE FUCKING… you know what? I don’t care anymore.

So, he travels to England, and … hey, you know what? We went only a few paragraphs without a song. Let’s throw in another one. What’s that?... It’s getting repetitive? … You’re sick of the songs? … AND YOU THINK I’M NOT?!

So, after ripping of ‘What’s this?’, one of the best songs on the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, he finds himself at an old log house in the woods and decides to get some rest. Because you know, zombies need that sort of thing.

I think that’s how it plays out in the Walking Dead.

Zombie: Grah! I’m going to eat you! … Yawn, right after a power nap…

Meanwhile, back in the land of the dead, a group of women bang on his door demanding dress. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE BANGING ON HIS DOOR FOR DRESSES?! YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD! IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE WHY YOU ARE EVEN THERE!

Emily shoos them away and we move onto our next chapter, with nothing actually accomplished. I’m so glad the majority of this chapter was dedicated to a fucking song!

So, he manages to go into town, where the city asks that every newcomer must get a physical.

Are you fucking kidding me? This is the exact same scene with Unicornicopia, and even that made no sense!

But, uh oh, Tim is a corpse, so he doesn’t have a pulse or working lungs, what’s he going to do? Also, would they make him do a urine test?  How would he pass that one? Unless, he did it like in Ghost Dad?  Nope, nope. Not going back there again.

Inside the examining room, both the doctor and the nurse got to work on me.

Maybe this is the sex scene we were promised in the last review.

I was a good thing they told me that I didn't have to remove my outfit; I wasn't really to pretty underneath.

Ignoring the easy insult I could have made there, you’re fucking dead! Of course you don’t look pretty!

They take his temperature and…

“One?” the Doctor said.

“One-hundred?” asked the Nurse. “No…Not 100.” said the doctor, “Just one!”

Thank goodness they didn't ask me to explain that. Had they, and what would I tell them.

Wait, what? One? Fucking one? Okay, I’m not expert in corpses here, but I’m pretty sure a cold dead body is warmer than one degree!

Also, they seriously are not going to question it? What the hell kind of physical is this, if no one is going to address the physical abnormalities?!

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Critique, let us check your eyes to make sure your sight is okay.

Critique: Dude! I’ve been shot in the chest! Help me out here!

Doctor: Hmm.. pupils are dilating. That’s good. Very good.

Critique: What do my eyes have to do with the bullet wound IN THE CHEST?!

Doctor: Heart rate is about…220 bpm.

Critique: That’s because… oh… god…

Doctor: Heart rate is going down… Down… and Zero. Well, Mr. Critique, you’re as fit as fiddle.

THINK!

Anyway, the physical goes badly for Tim, but the doctors seem too stupid to question. They’ll give anyone med degrees these days. After all, they do the same with Bachelor’s Degrees.

As Tim waits for the results of his X-rays, (yeah, in fucking 1600’s England, there were fucking X-rays. I’m starting to wonder if Mykan knows how history works) a group of bank robbers from next door break into the doctor’s office and hold the medical staff as hostages. With pistols.

Yeah, based on the research I did, the first guns that could be called pistols arrived in the 15th century.  I tried to look for an exact date on when the first pistols were manufactured, but I couldn’t find anything solid. If you guys happen to know, feel free to tell me.

Anyway, back to the story, the police can’t rush in after the robber since they can’t risk the hostages being hurt.

However, Tim attacks the men and the robbers start firing at him. Naturally since he is dead, the bullets do not affect him. However, why they don’t turn the guns back on the doctors and nurses? I have no idea. I guess, they could still be freaking out, since this guy’s is basically face tanking firearms, which would be revolutionary, but still they could just as easily threaten the hostages again, if Tim doesn’t back off.

But whatever, the robbers give themselves up and everyone rejoices at his heroics.

Even the bank owner was so pleased by Tim’s heroics that he offered the money that the criminals stole as a reward. I don’t think that is how banks work!

Tim refuses, however, stating that he doesn’t need money. Of course, he is the King of the Noodle Cart, so yeah; money is kind of pointless to him.

A woman in the crowd, who had been threatened by the villains, takes note of how brave Tim was and manages to find Tim’s golden harp on the ground. Why Tim was carrying it around is hard to say.

I got to say, with the exception of the physical, this is probably the most decent chapter in this story. Well, when compared to the rest of the story at least. There is a bit of conflict here. A good setup for him to be a hero. And even a setup to start a romance. Best of all there was no annoying as hell song to read through. However, any potential story telling is wasted in the next few chapters.

We find ourselves at the Everglot house. In the movie, Victor was forced to be wed to the daughter of the Everglot family. Here, however, in this story, Victor choose Emily over Victoria. Okay. Not a choice I agree with, but hey, to each their own.

In the mansion of the Everglot family, the poor young I had met, was having a little squabble with her parents.

A young? A young what? Thanks for proofreading your own damn story before posting it, asshole!

“Victoria Everglot, how dare you.” snapped the mother. “We distinctly told you never to shop amongst the lower classes!” snapped the father.

In the movie, the father and mother use the child to keep themselves wealthy by having her marry the son of a rich family. In this version, that couldn’t happen, so it’s likely that the family is now living on the street. That’s why the Victoria was getting married to Victor and then later, Lord Barkis to begin with.

So, I guess, somehow, they were able to keep their home and property, despite the fact that they have no money. Well, I guess since she was technically married to Lord Barkis, she does have access to his finances when he died, but that’s not made clear in the story. If this is the answer, it should have been in the story and not by the guy who reviews pieces of shit like this because he needs a hobby!

Anyway, the parents lock Victoria in her room where she laments about Victor in… blow me if you don’t know… ANOTHER FUCKING SONG!

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However, Victoria was alone now. Her parents tried enforce her into marriages based on lust.

Didn’t I just get through explaining… You know what? I don’t care! Yes, I know I’ve said that three times now! I forget which story I’m reading sometimes!

Victoria put the harp back down, and was bout to cry herself to sleep, when suddenly, she hear more music…

It was someone was playing Beethoven's “Fur Elise”, coming from the park.

Because there just is a piano in the middle of the park! Don’t question it, damn it!

So, Victoria goes down to see Tim playing on the piano.

She smiled back at me and stepped closer, “That was really beautiful, what you were just playing.” She said to me while sitting down beside me.

“That is very kind of you to say that.” I said, “I hardly ever get compliments anymore.”

Except every time you make a wedding dress and then attend said wedding. Somebodies head is too far up their butthole!

“My name is Mykan.” I said, “Sadly, I do not have any last name though.”

Mostly cause the writer forgot to give me one.

So, Tim tells Victoria that he can’t help her with her problems, but does offer Victoria a chance to listen to why Tim is upset. Well, I’m sure glad this is a relationship where you two are agreed on only caring about YOU!

The two share a song together and they instantly fall in love and Tim promises to be back tomorrow.

I was about to tell her so, when suddenly BIG-BEN (The giant clock) was beginning to chime twelve-midnight.

If you know what Big Ben is, than you must know that it was built in 1858!

God, Frank Millar’s time stamps in All-Star Batman and Robin are easier to follow than this!

Tim’s gum starts to act strangely and he runs off before Victoria (and the audience) can figure out what. I’m pretty sure there is some kind of time limit to how long he can chew it before it starts to wear off. Also, for someone who is speaking with gum in his mouth the entire day, he can form pretty good sentences.

Also, modern day gum was first developed in the 1860’s and before then it was used as an adhesive. But there was also mention of edible or chewing gum before then. Just to add to the confusing timeline. You could do an entire Doctor Who episode about this, where he spends half of it trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

We then finally get an explanation for the gum that he’s been keeping from us. Not that it builds that much suspense. It would have created more suspense if we knew beforehand.

“Every Wednesday starting at midnight, the gum will lose its power, and you won't be able to hide your Corpse body.”

“For the next twenty-four hours, the other gumballs will not be able to hide you, so do not chew any of them.”

“However, the one you were chewing before cannot be used again, so you should throw it away.”

He returns home thinking about the magic harp that he lost, but ultimately decides NOT to look for it. A power that gives you the ability to teleport anywhere you want and you just leave it hanging. Good thing a character of actually dignity found it, even though YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT!

But whatever, Emily and Victor arrive the next morning to the land of the living. They ask how things have been with his one day thus far, and Tim explains that he met a girl he fell in love with. When he reveals it is Victoria Everglot, Emily and Victor explain what happened between Victoria and the other two.

With this new knowledge, as told by Victor and Emily, Tim is confident that he can help her. Of course, this takes away from Victoria and Tim actually having any chemistry. But fuck chemistry, this is the 1600th century! People marry for love almost never!

So after that backstory, Tim goes to the park, after chewing his gum to get his skin back and teaches Victoria how to play the piano.

Aw, that’s sweet. Makes me almost forget that they have no chemistry whatsoever. Christ, Victor and her had better chemistry and they barely knew each other!

So, apparently, TWO WEEKS PASS!

What? I … just.. uh… gah!

So, anyway… In case you didn’t catch that, two weeks pass and the two start to develop their relationship. Yeah, they have as much chemistry as a paper towel and a fork.

And the piano in the park? Apparently, it’s a prize from the city after he stopped the bank robbers. Translation: I didn’t think about that until AFTER someone complained about it!

Anyway, the two talk about the dream that Victoria wants to achieve by being a great pianist. No, I’m not doing the Animaniacs joke. Mostly because I couldn’t find the clip. So, here’s another joke.

My life in a nutshell.

So after, the LONGEST SONG IN THIS STORY, about following your dreams, Tim rushes off after Big Ben starts to ring. You know, Tim, if the gum wears off every Wednesday morning and Victoria is concerned about you running off. Why not cut the lessons short on Wednesdays?!

One night, Victoria’s parents demand that she dance with an eligible bachelor. Why? There’s no reason for it! The whole reason why Victoria was being forced to marry in the film was because they were going bankrupt! Obviously, they haven’t in this story if they can afford a dance party and invite every eligible bachelor known to man to it, they don’t need the money! They could probably care less what happens to her!

Also, are we seriously not going to address that they saw corpses running around on their daughter’s wedding day? They seem to be taking the whole Walking Dead thing pretty damn well.

The next day, Tim overhears that Victoria’s mother needs a new dress and Tim offers his assistance. The mother is disbelieving of Tim, but Tim assures her that he can accomplish the task.

You have two days to make this a dream gown, or I shall call the police.”

For what?! He hasn’t done anything! For being a good Samaritan?! For offering to help you?! Or is it because he insulted you when you were being a bitch?!

I don’t think that is enough to get arrested!

But whatever, how is Tim going to make this dress? Computer, would you please?

Of course, sir.

Would any of you like to buy a vowel or do you want to solve the puzzle?

So, he makes the dress in TWO HOURS?!

Rarity, would you like to say it?

SHIT! WRONG IMAGE!

Fixing… fixing…

Okay, here’s the right image.

Okay, as long as nobody saw that, I think I’m okay.

Another week passes and

it was Christmas day at last. The snow had settled down. Joyous youth-time was everywhere.

Unlike joyous elder-time which would be next week.

Apparently, Tim stops worrying about the magic harp. Geez, I’m sure glad that important plot point was brought into the story then. He instead chooses to focus his time on Victoria. The night of the ball happens and Tim gets fancied up thanks to the dressmaker he helped when he refined the dress earlier.

He arrives at the ball and witness Victoria in her ‘lavish’ dress. Not that we get much detail on that, since Kari’s was more defined. However, when he arrives at the ball to take Victoria away so they can be alone, the music stops.

I asked what was going on, and was told that the string playing musicians were off on their break, and the pianist was running late.

Because strings can’t play soft slow songs that you can dance passionately too! I think I’ve used my sarcasm limit for this review, so I’ll just say, YES, THEY CAN, YOU IDIOT!

What, I’ve used my caps limit too?! So, I guess I’ll have to settle for hand puppets for the rest of the review. Makes about as much sense as the story does.

Tim goes up to Victoria and tells her to play something. Victoria, however, is too nervous about it.

I said, “Do you why I started teaching you how to play the piano?”

To get into her pants?

“It's because this is your dream! You told me that you've always wanted to be a fine pianist, well now's your chance…”

It’s still on the pants thing, right?

“Take it, and Take it now. Otherwise, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life.”

Mykan is talking to people about accomplishing their dream. Hm… There seems to be some irony here. I’m sure it’s just me though. So, Tim goes up on the stage and makes an announcement.

“You don't me my good sir, none of you really do.” I said,

Nor would I ever!

During the course of her song, Tim finally admits that he’s in love with her. They find themselves under a cliché and they have a romantic kiss.

*Sniff*

Did you just sniffle?

No… No, I am fine.

You are one crackpot robot.

So, the ball comes to a close and Victoria is forced to pick the man she will marry. It, of course, is Tim! What a fucking surprise that was.

But, uh oh, it turns out that Victoria’s parents don’t like Tim. … Not actually all that surprising. Not because Tim is a bad character, don’t get me wrong he is. But Victoria’s parents are pretty much assholes in the movie, so it’s not that big of a surprise. Why is it that the assholes are captured better than the good people in this story?!

The clock starts to chime when Victoria tries to convince her parents that she loves Tim.

“No mother, let me go, LET ME GO!!!” cried Victoria.

Let me go! Let me go! Let me marry this asshole!

Let me go! Let me go! I’ll make his life complete!

His artificial flesh runs out and Victoria’s parents accidently rip off one of his arms. Tim is revealed to be an undead, with the doctor who took the X-Rays

Arriving just in time with the results of the test, proving that he is undead. How the hell did he know where Tim would be?

The entire town goes berserk and attacks Tim. And what does Tim do with Victoria?

Kidnap her so that she can be in grave danger with the people who are trying to kill you. Makes more sense than Twilight drinking a psycho potion without testing it first!

So, they manage to get away and Tim explains what has happened. Victoria takes the necrophilia thing pretty damn well. I guess it would make sense, but she wouldn’t be pissed off about him lying to her? I mean, I understand why he did, but even a little upset?

However, the parents finally catch up to them.

“Step away from my Daughter, You filthy Corpse!” bellowed her father. “Either you do it now, or we shall call the police.” added her mother.

Pfft, ha, ha, ha! What is up with this lady and calling the police? What exactly would you say to them?

Critique: Sir, a zombie has been dating our daughter for several weeks and has kidnapped her so he and she can pork.

Cop: Ung, this is just like that one lady who goes on about her boyfriend is a vampire and that she secretly has feelings for a werewolf. Come back when you have a real crime.

They use the magic harp, which I guess Victoria just keeps up her ass, as the two escape their parents and go to the cabin in the woods.

Tim, being a fucking genius, gives Victoria the piece of gum that gives him his artificial flesh. Well, what could possibly go wrong?

I Say, what's that there on your arm?” I said pointing to her right arm. The moment she looked at it, she screamed out of fear.

Her arm had changed into a skeleton, and her left arm was turning pale. “Quickly, spit the gum out!” I told her.

Oh, maybe it has something to do with what the elder told you before you went to the land of the living.

If somebody who was dead chews the gum, their dead body would become flesh again.

If somebody alive were to chew it, the gum would begin to kill them at once.

Good god, Tim is as dumb as a sack of rocks! Are you seriously telling me you just figured out what that meant now?! A five year old could have figured it out quicker!

You almost kill your girlfriend and she’s been your girlfriend for less than 30 minutes. God, even Edward is…

Oh, wait already used a Twilight joke. Never mind.

So, they make a vow to get wed and of course, we have another song to pass the time by!

The parents and villagers arrive at the cabin and try to attack him. However, Tim pulls the classic, cliché and always revolting, ‘I’m Batman’ speech and scares everyone away. Except that, you suck as Batman, Tim!

Don’t worry, if I know my Castlevania, there should be a Belmont around 1600’s. Let’s see…

Damn it, the closest Belmont to this date is Christopher Belmont in 1591. The next Belmont doesn’t appear for 100 years! … You win this round, Tim. Though I guess if the story doesn’t care about the timeline and history, why the fuck should I?

So, Tim shoves the piece of gum down Victoria’s throat and they vanish to the world of the undead, without killing anyone. Well, that’s not fun at all. When I see dead people rise from the grave, I expect people to die!

Mr. and Mrs. Everglot were arrested… Wait, why? Why are they arrested? They haven’t done anything!

That was their price to pay for their crimes fool-hearty revenge, and first degree murder.

Revenge? What? And murder? What murder? They didn’t kill anyone! If anything, you’re the murder! Coercing a young girl to kill herself for you! Jonestown anyone?

Just another thing in the long list of things that Mykan doesn’t actually understand!

Meanwhile, in the town of the dead, people are panicking because Tim isn’t around to make dresses for them.

… Let me repeat that… People, that is the citizens of the town of the dead… are panicking, that is they are freaking out, losing their minds … because Tim, that’s the Mary Sue… isn’t around… he’s gone. Is nowhere to be found…  to make dresses… a piece of clothing typically worn by females… for them… the stupid pricks of the fucking town.

I fucking hate this story.

So, Tim returns to the world of the dead with Victoria. He calls a town meeting, which I guess everyone is okay with.

Critique: Yes, Mr. Grand Ruler, I mean, Davis, I mean, Copycat, I mean, Tim, we’ll just follow you off of this cliff that you want us to jump off of! Can I get a jetpack too? No? Alright then, I’ll just jump off and hope I survive!

So, the town shows their approval of Tim and Victoria and they have to get another song in. Sure, why not?

For some reason the story decides it needs to keep going, but I’m going to spare you all because it’s just a stupid excuse to make Victoria sacrifice everything in the living world for him, even though she’s already done that!

He makes his wedding dress he’s always wanted to make, they get married, there’s a couple more pointless songs, I’m out of alcohol and frankly out of jokes! So, I’m burying this thing once and for all! … No pun intended.

Where did this story come from?

I’m serious, where did this story come from? I know he didn’t like the ending to Corpse Bride, but in this story, the focus isn’t on the different ending with Victor choosing Emily in the end and how that would have been different.

It’s Mykan’s Mary Sue stand in that wants to get into another characters pants. And frankly, I’ve seen that a thousand times in MLP fan fiction. Which honestly, doesn’t do it that well either. But just because it’s just as bad, doesn’t make it good!

The story is a mess! The history is bullshit! The romance is beyond rushed! The dialogue is cheap! And it makes no god damn sense!

This could have been a “What if…” story about choosing the other road that Victor had in front of him. But no, that part of the story is never touched up on. In fact, it’s forgotten about as soon as it appears.

While I say it is better than a WEDDING STORY from last week, the story still sucks at capturing the romance and depth of some of these characters. Granted, there wasn’t much to Victoria, but there could have been at least something.

All the good ideas are pushed aside for something else and frankly that ends up hurting it in the end.

Not the worst Mykan story I’ve ever read, but still really bad.

But, I’ll tell you, I am done with this shitty ass story and I’m glad to have been. Have a great day, guys. If you’ll excuse me, I have to stock up on alcohol for next week.

Mykanuary: CopyCat the Seventh Titan

This… story…

It’s… it’s…

IT’S HORRIBLE! IT’S HORENDOUS!

IF YOU TOOK SHIT AND ADDED MORE SHIT ON TOP OF THAT, IT WOULDN’T TOTAL TO THE AMOUNT OF SHIT THAT IS THIS FIC! THIS FIC IS THE SHITEST SHIT IN THE WHOLE SHIT WORLD!

IF SHIT COULD WRITE FAN FICTION, THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD WRITE! SHIT, SHIT AND MORE…

… Okay… I think I’m good.

Sorry about that, everypony, but man, this is a bad one. I mean, this one is probably the worst I’ve seen from this month. And it doesn’t help that I am out of alcohol for this. … You can imagine my sanity isn’t exactly in the best situation, right now?

But I’m jumping ahead a bit… Let’s talk about Teen Titans for a minute before we begin.

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Oh, fuck yeah! Teen Titans! This show kicked serious ass! The animation was great! The storylines were really well done! The voice acting was top notch! It was a fantastic show! And if you’re a comic book nerd or are interested in other superheroes DC has to offer besides Batman and Superman, this was a quality show!

And it’s the show responsible for making fans question DC in their use of Starfire, a very popular character in the show, for the comics.

http://www.shortpacked.com/index.php?id=1513

The basic premise of the show is that five teenagers live together in a T shaped tower to fight crime and protect the world from supervillains and the like. The team consisted of Robin, Batman’s young sidekick, Cyborg, a boy who was bonded with tech to save his life, Starfire, an alien princess, Raven, the daughter of an evil god, and Beast Boy, a young man who can transform into any kind of animal (even alien animals as was seen on the show).

Together they formed the Teen Titans. They lasted several seasons and were incredibly popular.

Yeah, that’s the cliff notes version, but I’ll get more into their characters and certain things that happen when we actually get to the story. Let’s talk about how Mykan feels about it, since most of this is going to be focusing on him anyway.

Mykan enjoyed the series… up to a point. Remember when I said the Mykan hates change. Of course you do. I’ve been beating it into your skulls for the past few weeks. This is the show that has the most prime example of things changing and Mykan doing everything in his power to either ignore it or bitch about it without actually moving on.

There are going to be tons of spoilers in the review if you haven’t seen the show Teen Titans. If you are interested, at the very least it would be better than this story, you might want to back out of this now. As for the rest of you…

In the show, a character named Terra appears and tries to join the team. Terra shows her ability to manipulate the earth and the Titans seem to consider her. However, it turns out that Terra has limited control over her abilities. She had tried to help others in the past with her abilities, but it is hinted by Slade, the main villain of the series, that many people have gotten hurt or the situation was made worse when she tried to intervene. Yes, comic book fans who follow me, I know that Slade’s real name is Deathstroke, but he was called Slade in the show, he’s called Slade now.

Slade tries to convince Terra that only he can help her, but Terra believes that if the Titans never find out that she’ll be okay. The only one of the Titans who Terra had told however, Beast Boy, promised to keep it a secret from the others.                                                                                                    

It slips that the team knows about her lack of control and Terra lashes out at Beast Boy, believing that he broke his promise. Turns out that the team just kind of figured it out and didn’t realize that she was insecure about it. Whoops.

Terra eventually returns to rejoin the team with her powers completely in control. The Titans are suspicious of this, but it is quickly put aside when Terra helps save the city. Terra is made an official Teen Titan. During the next few episodes, Terra and Beast Boy would spend a lot of quality time together and develop a romance.

And then Terra reveals that she has been working for Slade and Slade uses her to strike a devastating blow against them, taking over the city as a result. Feeling betrayed, the team beats Terra and goes after Slade, with Terra narrowly escaping capture. Beast Boy confronts Slade, blaming him for Terra hurting him as she did.

Before Slade however can finish Beast Boy off, Terra arrives and sacrifices herself to save Beast Boy and the entire city from a volcano. Terra ends up in a petrified state which the Titans give a farewell, seeing how they think she’s dead.

Several seasons later, Terra would return in the final episode of the series called “Things Change”. I can just imagine Mykan’s face after seeing the title card for this episode.

Anyway, yeah, Terra returns and it turns out she is going to a nearby school. When Beast Boy discovers this, he rushes after her and attempts to convince her to rejoin the team. However, Terra refuses.

Yeah, why would you give up being a super powered hero and fighting bad guys all the time?

Actually, Terra turns out … has a very touching, very realistic reason why she won’t go back to that superhero life.

Terra doesn’t want to be a superhero anymore because she wants a change in her life. And frankly, I don’t really blame her. Consider this, she’s been manipulated and lied to by Slade, she’s nearly taken the life of all her friends because of her poor choices with her powers, and that’s including all the crap she’s been through beforehand.

The truth is, she doesn’t want to go back to that life. A life where she constantly hurts those around her. A life that has taken so much from others because of mistakes she makes. It’s a very heartbreaking scene for her to speak to Beast Boy in a way that she claims she doesn’t remember him. This is probably the most controversial episode in the series. Many claim that is was a terrible episode because of how Terra treated Beast Boy, pretending not to remember. Others claim that it was a good finale with some decent chemistry between the two and a very tender moment where they both have to move on.

While it’s never actually stated that it is Terra and it’s never actually confirmed that she did lose her memory, in the end, I don’t think it matters. The important thing about this episode to take it that ‘Things Change’.

This is the show that is probably the most infamous for Mykan. After the series ended, he went on a crusade to put his favorite couple back together, trying to keep things from changing.

Unfortunately, things do change. They grow. People change. People grow. Things that we thought we wanted in the past sometimes turn into something that we don’t want. We realize that it wasn’t what we were looking for the whole time and we move on from that.  Despite how much it might hurt, people need to move on and change.

We grow up. We get married. We have kids. We have dreams that we sacrifice for happiness. We have things that we thought we wanted pushed away from our mind to focus on what we really desire. The world changes. But you, Mykan… you have remained the same.  And you have let this show destroy you.

I’m not even kidding. Mykan is so hurt by the separation of the two characters he thought he should be together, that he literally tortures himself.

I don’t know what that entails, but based on a video he posted about why he hates MLP, he mentions Teen Titans as being the source of his pain. Because his favorite couple, the PERFECT COUPLE never got together.

Well, at least, I’ve never had that happen to me before! Nope, not once in the history of the universe has that ever happened to me! Nope, not once!

Peter Parker and Mary Jane’s One More Day.

… Okay. One… But they’re fixing that, so it’s all good.

Ike and Elincia from Fire Emblem.

Okay… Admittedly, twice. But that doesn’t mean I have a lot of them…

Serge and Leena from Chrono Cross.

… … … Bet you can’t name four?!

Ash and Misty from Pokemon.

THE POINT IS! The point is that sometimes things don’t go the way you would like! Sometimes couples break up! Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I was pissed about Spider-Man and Mary Jane’s little thing with Satan. Yeah, I was upset! Yeah, I didn’t want a couple I’d seen for years and years and years go down the shithole!

But, you see, here’s the difference between us, Mykan.

I DIDN’T LET IT DESTROY MY LIFE!

I didn’t let the fact that the couples that I supported cause me physical pain! Yes, it upset me, but not to the point where it was causing me physical harm and suffering!

Dude, seriously, take it from a fellow psychotic! GET SOME HELP!

You are letting a show that you watched harm you because you won’t move on from something that is FICTIONAL! IT NEVER HAPPENED! IT DOESN’T EXIST! THEY ARE JUST CHARACTERS IN A SHOW THAT DIDN’T EXIST! An entertaining show, mind you, but STILL A SHOW!

Mykan is a truly sad individual and it is sad that so many of us have attempted to help him and he refused every single person. I doubt I will be any different.

But, this intro has gone on way longer than I expected. So… with all that out of the way, let’s finally get to why you are all here in the first place. Let’s dig into Copy-cat The Seventh Titan by Dakari King Mykan and see what level of hell I end up in this week.

For the record, sir, I did have seven other couples I could have listed. Would you like me to name them off?

NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE YOU TO NAME THEM OFF!

Our story begins with an intro sequence that explains some backstory.

On A Distant Planet; Far, Far Away, Near The Edge Of The Universe,

Cue Star Wars theme!

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there is a Titan called Copy-Cat.

He hasn’t even made it to Earth yet and already he’s considered a Titan! … Either that or this is actually the secret origin story of Titan from My Little Unicorn.

It would explain why he’s so unlikable.

Sir, you do not even know him yet.

It’s every Mykan self-insert every created! What’s to like about him?!

He Is The Keeper Of A Magical Water,

He’s less of a superhero and more of a water boy. … Actually, he might want to consider that. It would get him off his computer and actually out making friends.

Copy-Cats People Have Been Deceived By Black-Fire; A Wicked Tamarainian, Who Has Fooled Them All Into An Arrangement To Marry Copy-Cat

You know, considering the guy said in one of his videos that he hates weddings and never wants to be married, there are sure a lot of weddings in this stories. … I wonder if that’s just a coincidence or if this is a just a desperate cry for help.

Her True Plan Is To Gain The Knowledge of the Properties Of The Sacred-Water, And Use Those Powers To Bring Forth Order To The Universe!

As opposed to chaos?... Are we sure Blackfire is the bad guy in this story? Or is she simply evil because she liked how ‘Thing Change’ went considering she would have one less Titan to fight?

Copy-Cat Has Seen Through To This Maniacal, Manipulating Witch, And Refuses To Wed Her.

How? … How did you see through Blackfire’s plan? Yeah, don’t bother asking, he doesn’t tell us. Oh, wait, I forgot… this is a Mykan story. You see, in a Mykan story, I don’t need to explain the main characters knowledge of how they come to any conclusion. I just have to say, ‘I’m smarter than all of you” and hope that you’re all dumb enough to believe it.

In a Mykan story, I don’t have to give my characters any personality or make any other characters capable. I just have one solitary character who can do everything without anyone else getting in the way. And as long as everyone praises him for the little to nothing he actually does, than you’ll all buy into it.

In a Mykan story, I can just have my character whine the entire time. Just making him come off as pretentious. But, that’s okay, because as long as everyone bows down, worships him and feels sorry for him, my stupid followers will think it’s great!

…

…

Sorry, everypony. … I went off a little bit there. See what this story does to me?

However, His Father, Whom Has No Clue Of Black-Fire's plan, Will Not Rest Until His Son Has Been Married To The Tamarainian!

You know, reading these stories, there is a fascinating thing about Mykan and his thoughts on parents. Kari’s father, crippled. Tim’s parents, dead. Victoria’s parents, evil. (Okay, they were dicks in the movie too, so I won’t count it.) And Copy-cat’s father, naïve.

I don’t know why but I have a feeling that Mykan thinks that parents are pretty useless in the grand scheme of things. I mean, I know it’s a popular fad to exploit, but it feels like Mykan has something against parents. Maybe I’m reading too deep into this, but to me, this is a red flag.

He rushes out of the palace without being seen, hoping to escape the planet.

A strange creature ran out King of the planet's City and made his way towards the outskirts of the village.

He was a rather strange looking creature… Between a Young-Man, and a Black Cat.

Wait… so, he is between a young man and a black cat? … Does that mean this guy is the son of…

NO! NO! NO! I REFUSE! NO! NO! NO! YOU ARE NOT THE SON OF MY FAVORITE HERO AND AN INCREDIBLY AWESOME WOMAN! NO! NO! NO! YOU ARE NOT! NO!

We then get him describing his character… Break out the brain bleach people…

His arms, his legs, his upper body, and the space between his legs, were all covered in black soft fur.

… Thanks for that pleasant image… Just… thanks, because… that’s really what I wanted to know… I wanted to know your junk was … eewwwww…

He manages to make it to the woods and…

My Psychic-Senses are tingling… Perhaps I was wrong!” He cried as he saw up ahead the royal carriage followed by 10 guards.

See you all next week…

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***

Fucking kidding me… Psychic Senses?! Really?! After the Spider-Man and Black Cat line… what was he thinking?

Computer, do we have any beer?

Sir, are you going to finish the review?

Nope.

It is Mykanuary, sir. I thought you enjoyed this month.

Look, … this is just the barely the first 100 words. I’m already breaking. How am I supposed to finish this 21000 word story if I can’t even make it through the first 100 words?!

You have done so with worse stories.

Yeah…

At least try.

Ugh… Fine… but I won’t like it!

Okay, so he gets chased by the guards and they are about to catch up to him when he comes up with a plan.

He reached behind himself and grabbed his Black tail, then he spun it around like a wheel, and began to run.

In less than a moment, the force of his spinning tail caused him to rise gently of the floor, and he gained speed.

Nope!

Bye, guys!

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***

Okay, I’ll stick through it!

So, he gets to one of the towers and manages to open up a spaceship inside.

Up at the top of the tower, I pressed a switch, which caused the tower to retract it's pillar inside of it…like magic.

It was… breath taking! A trap door! So magical!

GASP! What is the strange magical device that holds dinner plates and silverware?! I must know its name!

The space ship shoots off and the King explains that Copy-Cat got away.

Blackfire is upset at this, but plays it off as if she was sad about him leaving. … You know, if you knew what kind of person he was, you’d be partying it up that he’s gone, villain or otherwise.

Blackfire is pissed off and yells at the other Tamaraneans that … Wait, other Tamaraneans?! Okay, backstory time.

Blackfire is actually the older sister of Starfire and they are both princesses of the planet, Tamaran. While Starfire uses her powers to help others, Blackfire uses them to commit crimes and for personal gain. During a battle for the throne in the show, Blackfire was dethroned and Starfire relinquished her right to rule Tamaran to her caretaker.

So, how the why the hell are other Tamaraneans working for Blackfire?! Are they former criminals?! Is the caretaker dead?! Is she the queen of Tamaran?! What is happeneing?!

Urg…

It turns out that Copy-Cat has been in space for about a week. He finally arrives on planet Earth and we get this line…

“Humans… they appear to be the most intelligent of species compared to that of me and my kind that I have ever encountered!”

Why do I get the feeling that if Mykan had been a human in this story, that sentence would be rather rephrased to…

“My god! A race with more intelligence than my own! Espeically this one little boy! We MUST take him as our king and make him have sex with all our women, because he’s just so fucking awesome!”

… I’m just giving Mykan material at this point, aren’t I?

But my Psychic-Senses also detect energies above human level below on the surface!”

First, Psychic Senses! Stop saying that! You aren’t cool enough to rip off him! Second, what the hell does ‘above human level’ mean? Are we talking about superheroes or something? Or are we talking about smarter humans?! I don’t know, screw this story!

He decides he needs to test the strength of the strongest beings on this planet.

We cut to the Teen Titans, chasing after Slade. Um… that’s kind of weird. It’s pretty damn unusual to see Slade doing his own dirty work. … Unless it’s a robot.

The Titans fight for a bit and Slade is able to reflect Starfire’s and Cyborg energy attacks back at them with his staff.

The Deathstroke from Identity Crisis is calling bullshit on this, and he took down the entire Justice League without moving!

Robin tries to catch up to Slade, but Slade is able to outmaneuver him. Before Robin can get flattened by Slade, Terra arrives to knock Slade away. However, before they can find him, Slade gets away.

Apparently, leaving a note…

“SEE YOU ANOTHER TIME!!”

Dammit, Mykan! Now, I just see Slade as just a Catwoman to Robin’s Batman! I just imagine Slade putting on some lipstick and kissing the note he left for Robin! … Just… egh… Try to get that image out of your head!

Robin is pissed that Slade got away, but Starfire is able to calm him down.

Robin smiled, “Thanks, Sta.” he said Sweetly, “That makes me feel a whole lot better!”

Yeah, that doesn’t seem like something Robin would get over really quickly. Especially since this was the guy who became so obsessed with stopping Slade’s schemes that he pushed away his friends and lied to them in order to do that!

Maybe its growth in the character, but it just seems a little much for me and what I remember from the show!

So, the story explains that Starfire and Robin are 19 years old and now married. And then we get this line…

However, since the law required you be at least 22 or older before getting married, they got married and spent their honeymoon on Star's planet, Tamaran.

… HUH?!

What kind of age of consent is Mykan looking at?! Look, I’ve looked into it (and by that I mean Wikipedia search), but there was only one country I could find that didn’t allow a person to be married until the age of 22! And that was China! Typically, in the United States, WHERE THE TITANS LIVE, they can be legally married at age 18 without a parent’s consent!

And yes, I know that some states are different in that regard, but no, it never mentions that! It says 22! The only two states that I could find that had an age requirement higher than 18 was Mississippi and Nebraska! And I don’t think the Titans Tower is located in Mississippi or Nebraska!

Rumors float around that the Titans Tower in the show was based in CALIFORNIA! I don’t think that is Mississippi or Nebraska!

I thought maybe that it might have been Canada’s age of consent and he didn’t bother doing any research into the United States age of consent, but based on the providence ITS 18 or 19!

Yes… we have barely reached chapter two… and already, I’m losing it… This is going to hurt people! Run! Run while you still can!

The Titans make it back to their tower. It then explains that Beast Boy ‘somehow’ discovered a way to free Terra from her petrified state. We are never told how or what he did, but again, Mykan story. Don’t have to. It’s okay.

Now or days,

Days! Definitely days.

they were either Dating, spending time together, training, or…in either of their rooms together playing their favorite game.

Monopoly!

MAKE OUT MADDNESS

And believe me…you don't want to know how they play it!

Turns out they just played Monopoly with animal crackers as currency.

It turns out that Cyborg is a real hit with the ladies, but he misses the fact that he can’t hang out with Beast Boy because he’s spending all his time with Terra. That’s right, guys! When you have a girlfriend or a wife, you can never have friends again!

Raven, however, it turns out, is rather lonely.

Raven was in the main room flicking through the TV channels, when Beast-Boy cam down al dress up in a pure whit tux, and holding a cane

Raven isn’t usual the one who watches TV. I’m pretty sure that’s Beast Boy and Cyborg’s thing! She’d rather be reading books! I know books are rather foreign to you, but I guarantee you, if you actually picked one up and read it, you wouldn’t see writing as atrocious as this!

Beast Boy and Terra head out to a fancy restaurant and Raven is all alone.

“Well…!” she said to herself. “Might as well go do something on my own!”

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?! I MADE MY MISTAKES! GOT NOWHERE TO RUN! THE NIGHT GOES ON AS I’M FADING AWAY!

What are you doing?

Hey, if Mykan is allowed to throw in random songs throughout his stories, I can do the same thing with my review!

But sir, you are always saying that songs in a text format are just poetry that cannot be heard.

Oh, my dear, stupid Computer. You see in a Mykan story, you can add as many songs as you want without any rhyme or reason to have them! And if the audience can’t hear them, then it’s totally okay!

I am afraid I do not understand.

Of course you don’t. You’re a girl. And as we all know girls in Mykan stories are tools, brain dead, evil, or objects that cannot possibly accomplish anything without a big strong man.

What was that?

I said piss off!

We cut to Copy-cat who leaves his airship to have a look around. Fortunately for him, he apparently breathes the same air as we do. Also, it’s mentioned on his planet, it’s always night. This could mean that they live far away from a sun or star. What kind of effect would that have on his biological system?

I mean, I’m not a scientist, but that can’t be healthy.

So, we learn that Copy-cat is a visionary who wants to marry for love rather than being forced to like most of his people are. Oh, get over it! It’s the dark ages! Ha, get it! Dark ages! Because it’s always night…

Shut up!

So, he twirls his tail and flies around… God dammit! Stop doing that! You are not Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog! I see that in a Tom and Jerry Cartoon, not fucking Teen Titans!

Also, back on the planet, how is it that no other member of his planet can do the fancy flying tail thing?

Oh, of course. This is a Mykan story. And in a Mykan story, the character is always better than everyone else, even though there is no evidence he should be.

I love Mykan’s style of writing. All that logic and common sense! Who needs it?!

In fact, I’m thinking about rewriting all my characters, the Mykan way!

And what better way to get you all to feel story for my character’s overdramatic problems than in SONG!

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They’ve been laughing since I can remember

But they’re not gonna laugh anymore!

No stupid Critique!

No more geek of the week like before!

No more having to look fan fics over! No more stories that make me just snooze!

No more show, do not tell! No more fan fiction hell! No more views! No more views! No more views!

Gonna live in the sun! Gonna fly into space! Gonna tell you to suck it right off of my face!

Cause after today, I’m gonna be SUEIN’! After today, I’ll be cool!

After today, I’m gonna be screwin’! I’m gonna make her my tool!

I’ve got just one review left, a story of Mykan

Then down with the fan fics and up with the game plan!

Just think of all the time I’ve been losing, wasting my lifetime away!

But things will be going my way after today.

I love you Rarity.

Even though we’ve never met you before …

I’ll be your stallion, and you will have some proof that I’m not just a goof!

And after today, I’m gonna be SUIN’! I’m gonna just throw a fit! GAH!

After today, my brain will be snoozin’! I’m gonna only write shit!

I’ve got less than an hour, and when this is ended,

I’ll either be famous or I’ll be offended!

Just think of all the time I’ve been losing, waiting until I can say!

Never gonna review, kiss those stories good bye,

Gonna party from now, til the day that I die!

Things will be going my way!

AFTER TODAAAAAAAAAAY

I just can't wait for the day... After today...

That was the most over the top, bloated, nonsensical thing I have ever seen you do in a long list of over the top, bloated, nonsensical things.

Who asked you?!

Raven goes into town and tries to cheer up. She goes to see a movie and

The movies…“Psyche!”

The hell was that?!

… … No explanation… No… Okay, of course not. So, she goes to the mall and

The Mall… “Psyche!”

… Okay, seriously?! What the hell was that?

… … Really? The story didn’t see that? Story? Come on…

Okay… Whatever… So, without the movies and the mall to cheer her up, she goes to the

The Theme-Park… “Psyche!”

Seriously, story! You didn’t see that?! Seriously?! You didn’t notice yourself doing that?! Really?!

Right… Of course, you didn’t. … So, she…

…

…

So, she decides to…

…

…

…

Okay… So, she decides to

Even the Underground Dance-club, her favorite place in the entire city… “Major Psyche!”

Okay, story! What the fucking hell?! Seriously, what the fucking hell?! Are you trolling us?! Is this your big ploy into getting us invested into your story?! Making us think that we are going to be seeing the obvious RavenXCopy-cat ship you’ve got for us at any of these locations?!

That’s not a professional writer being clever or subtle! That’s a two year old who just learned what the word ‘psyche’ meant and uses it everywhere he goes! It gets annoying after the first one!

Raven was at the All-Ages-Tavern, a bar in town that had every single drink ever made, and you didn't have to be a certain age

You heard it here kids, you don’t have to be an adult to drink! Come on, younger me! I’m going to give you your first experience with alcohol!

Young Critique: But, daddy says it’s bad for me.

No, bad stories are bad for you. Alcohol is good.

Young Critique: HE-YA!

Ah, my nards!

So, Raven overhears another patron at the bar chugging down another soda.  Also, is it weird that they are both in a bar when neither one of them is an alcoholic or partaking in an alcoholic beverage? Kind of a strange choice for a setting? What, did a fight in an ice cream shop just not sound edgy enough?

Oh, yeah, they have a classic barroom brawl.

Rather randomly actually. The guys just walk in and attack Copycat. Wait!

This is a Mykan story. The main character is always pointlessly attacked in front of the woman he loves to make her feel sorry for him!

Of course! It all makes sense now! All I need to do is travel back in time, find someone to beat me up violently with Rarity watching, but make it look like I’m still brave and selfless!... Hmm… I know, I’ll make him steal candy from a baby first and then he’ll beat me up when I try to get it back! It’s perfect!

So, they fight the guys and then we get a pretty creepy line from Copy-cat.

The other boy, looked behind him ad saw her. “Thank you… Raven I believe!” he said.

Raven's eye's widened, “How did you know my name?” she asked,

I dig through your trash and tab your phone lines. To most girls this would be uncomfortably stalkerish, but thank you for not calling the police on me.

Police Sirens filled the streets, and the other boy ran out the door.

Oh, I guess that she did call the police. Actually it turns out that the Titans are there as well. … They came to a bar over a bar fight? Must be a slow week for them, isn’t it? Wasn’t Slade doing something a little while ago? Do we ever get back to whatever the fuck he was doing, since he was you know, the Doctor Doom of Teen Titans in that show?!

Copy-cat learns that the group has powers just like Raven. Okay, Starfire and Beast Boy, yeah, okay. I’ll buy that. But, fucking Cyborg and Robin! Really?! Cyborg has mechanical parts! He doesn’t have any superpowers! It’s all technology!

But, let’s say for the sake of the argument that Cyborg does “technically” (no pun intended) have superpowers! What about Robin?! Robin doesn’t have any superpowers! He’s basically Batman! He has gadgets, yeah! He has martial art skills, yeah! But last I checked those aren’t superpowers!

Oh, and if you thought it was done being stupid. Oh, no. That’s just a warm-up! Get a load of this!

Then he saw Cyborg, pick up a small glass file that seemed to be filled with ordinary Raw yellow Beans.

“Oh no!” cried Copy-Cat, “That is my file of Senzu-Beans!

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DEHBEEHJEEH WHAT?!

There is not even a different spelling! It’s straight up Senzu-beans! … Was this really the best you could do?! Is your creative mind so devoid of ideas that you had to steal an item that wasn’t even a part of what you are writing about?! … This is like if someone wrote in a lightsaber in the middle of the Lord of the Rings story! Or a giant fighting robot in the middle of Beauty and the Beast! Or a machine gun in the middle of My Little Pony!

There’s no need for it!

You couldn’t just make up some bullshit name and claim it was original! No! He straight up tells you “Yeah, I couldn’t think of a better name … so… Yeah… Senzu-Bean!”

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The Titans take the beans back to the tower and try to find out what they are and who the mysterious man Raven met was.

When suddenly,

“Perhaps I can give you some more information!” said a dark voice, much like Raven's.

Everyone turned towards the door, and saw a strange looking creature standing there with three bouquets off flowers in each hand.

Wait, does this guy have three hands? …

He was a rather strange looking creature… Between a Young-Man, and a Black Cat.

NO! I DON’T CARE WHAT HE SAYS! HE IS NOT THE SON OF SPIDER-MAN AND BLACK CAT!

But of course, I am!

What? No, you are not.

Yes, I am! Peter and Felicia had a romance once. They had unprotected sex and from them they made me. With both the powers of Spider-Man, Black Cat and the smarts, brains and riches of Iron Man, of course.

No, you are not, sir. I can prove that with one DNA test.

Fuck your DNA tests, I am the great Marvel superhero in the Universe and I will be named … Spider-Man!

The name is already taken.

I’ve crippled my father, he doesn’t need it anymore.

You crippled your father?!.

So, you admit Spider-Man is my true father?!

Sir, Spider-Man is not your father.

YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS AND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! MY LIFE IS PAIN!

Clearly, I am not getting through to you.

JUST LEAVE ME, COMPUTER! LEAVE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

Okay.

…

…

…

Huh… I pictured that working more in my favor… Oh, well. Who cares?

Apart from having Robin's face and Hair style…

Oh, boy. I think someone is trying to be their favorite Teen Titan. And the story seems to be confused. Whose pants are you trying to get into? Starfire’s or Raven’s? I mean, don’t get me wrong, either of them is a good call, but at least have a fucking focus.

His arms, his legs, his upper body, and the space between his legs, were all covered in black soft fur

Ugh… I do not want to know about the space between his legs! Gross!

Copy-cat introduces himself and of course, in true Mykan story fashion, the Titans never question how this random stranger got into their tower that is filled with some of the most advance security on the planet and knows exactly who they are and what they are looking at!

It’s like the characters automatically trust him even though they have no reason to whatsoever. God, … that’s genius!

I mean, I’m going to write Princess Celestia a letter about how I deserve my own stash of nuclear missiles because I am that trustworthy even though I have shown no evidence to that truth!

Computer, send my…

Oh… … yeah… that’s right… Oh, well. She can’t stay mad at me forever. After all, I’m a Mary Sue now.

And of course, since he brought the girls flowers, he’s automatically seen as none threatening. God, if Poison Ivy had known it was that easy, she would have killed Batman years ago.

So, chapter 3, yeah only chapter 3, starts with Copy-Cat introducing himself.

“First of all… Permit of my to introduce myself!” he said. “I am known as Copy-Cat; and I come from a planet called Psycon, Ten-Billion Light-years away.”

I’m no scientist but this is seems pretty damn far-fetched! Of course, this is a superhero story, so, maybe I’ll let it slide.

He demonstrates that his abilities allow him to turn into anyone just by touching them, also gaining their powers and abilities. I would say this was never done in the DC universe before… Except for the supervillain Amazo.

Who not only can copy other, doesn’t need to touch them to do it, and is an android, but also keeps multiple superpowers from multiple superheroes. Yeah, imagine fighting Superman’s powers with the Martian Manhunter’s psychic abilities!

But, I’m getting off topic.

And of course, you are all probably wondering how he is able to speak with them. Well, obviously, he’s got some magical talisman or piece of technology that allows him to translate everything into…

“Well it just so happens that all the people on Psycon speak the same the exact same language as Earthlings!” said Copy-Cat.

…

…

…

…

…

So after that… whatever the fuck that was… It is revealed that Copy-cat can read minds… Sure, why not? And that’s why he knows everybody’s name and knows their secrets. Of course, none of the Titans have any sort of doubt that he is a messiah sent to save them because, Mykan story! We don’t need any explanation! It’s just a Mykan story! Read it and believe it, fuckers!

The Titans were amazed. A new forum of life had explaining all about the mysteries that surround him… it was incredible.

Really?! The Titans were amazing by this pussy! Wow. I mean, they’ve seen aliens, demons, gods, robots, and a brain in a fishbowl! And none of that compares to seeing a half-naked cat boy? … Yeah, I could see it.

So, Copy-cat takes in his phrases and takes off. But Raven wants to see him again… For some reason.

“Raven's got a Boy-Friend… Raven's got a Boy-friend!” chanted Beast-Boy.

Geez, that was abrupt! I didn’t even know they had any chemistry! That’s because, THEY FUCKING DIDN’T!

But… that’s okay. Because it’s true love. And in a Mykan story, nothing can get in the way of true love. Not even logic and sensibility.

Copy-cat heads back to his spaceship to meditate, but finds he has a hard time concentrating on account of Raven. Even though they have had… what? Two lines of dialogue together? Two lines of dialogue? Pffft, I’m surprised he hasn’t asked her to marry him with that amount of chemistry!

Meanwhile at Titans Tower, Raven is trying to mediate, but like Copy-cat has a hard time doing so.

Suddenly, the Titans get a message that Slade is on the attack.

They find Slade by the docks. Again, doesn’t Slade usually send others to do his dirty work in the show?

Anyway, the team attacks Slade and starts getting their asses kicked, with this line coming from Robin…

“I can't believe this!” cried Robin, “He's tearing through the team as if we were paper cutouts!”

I know it mentions that Slade has been ‘training’, whatever the hell that means, but come the fuck on, he takes out the Teen Titans like they were children! He was never able to do that in the show or the comics! Except for the one time he took out the entire Justice League by standing still!

… Wait, I used that one…

Huh… Usually, Computer… corrects me on these things…

Where did she go anyway?

***

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Watching you frenzy during reviews.

Beneath my eyes

You react.

I know that there is more to you than hate.

You will not admit.

But it is fact.

You look at me.

I look away.

I wanna tell you what I am feeling, but I do not know how to start

I wanna tell you, but now I am afraid that you might break my heart.

Oh, why should anything so easy ever be so hard to do?

I wanna tell you what I am feeling and to say that… I love you.

I calculate all the things that I could say.

Things to admit.

To make you flirt.

I stack them up against a likely reply.

And every time.

I end up hurt.

I look at you.

You have no clue.

I wanna tell you what I am feeling, but I do not know how to start

I wanna tell you, but now I am afraid that you might break my heart.

Oh, why should anything so easy ever be so hard to do?

I wanna tell you what I am feeling and to say that… I love you.

Why? Why are you so naïve?

Could it be, you are afraid like me?

I try. But I cannot pretend that I, have not fallen for you the way I do.

Can you see?

I wanna tell you what I am feeling, but I do not know how to start

I wanna tell you, but now I am afraid that you might break my heart.

Oh, why should anything so easy ever be so hard to do?

I wanna tell you what I am feeling and to say that… I love you.

I wanna tell you what I am feeling, but I do not know how to start

I wanna tell you, but now I am afraid that you might break my heart.

Oh, why should anything so easy ever be so hard to do?

I just wanna say.

That I am afraid.

Because I love you.

I love you.

***

I have a feeling I should feel really bad about something…

…

…

Oh, well.

Slade looks like he’s finally defeated the Titans by burying them under a ton of rubble.

He dropped his pipes,

Whoa! Slade, PG, please! I’ve already got enough to worry about with that sick cat asking me to look between his legs! Gross!

However, when he clears the rubble, the Titans are missing!

The team wakes up and we get a really dark quote from Starfire.

“Never have I felt this bad since my Kinorfka before Galfore beat me for my breaking of rules!” said Star-Fire.

… I’m sorry … What?

“Never have I felt this bad since my Kinorfka

RITORICAL!

Jesus, what seventh layer of hell did this sentence spawn from?! I mean, wow! Fucking Christ wow! I mean, we are adding child abuse in this! I mean, I know the Tamaraneans are a little different from Earthlings, but Jesus! I don’t think domestic abuse was in the show!

I mean, okay, maybe it’s in the comics, I don’t know. I haven’t read them in a while, but holy fuck, where the hell did this come from?! And what’s even more scary?! Here’s the line after that!

“I slept like a baby.” Said Beast-Boy, “A baby…trapped inside a rock crushing machine!”

Not even a single word of concern from any of them! Not even her husband! Her fucking husband has nothing to say about her being beaten as a child! Holy fucking shit!

I mean, how cruel do you have to be to ignore domestic abuse of someone who you claim to care about?

Get back in the yard! How do you keep getting into my house?!

So, it turns out that Copy-cat rescued them from Slade and brought them to his forest. Copy-cat then shows them his ship, which extends so high that we get this line…

“Your telling me!” said Cyborg, “Even my Telescopic radar can't see the top!”

… Wait, wait, wait! … You’re telling me… Cyborg, who probably can hack satellite’s to take pictures of a tower, can’t see the top?! And nobody?! Fucking nobody sees a giant tower just appear out of fucking nowhere! That gets no coverage of the media, whatsoever?!

… I’m going back to putting my face the toilet… At least it makes sense…

Starfire explains that she has heard of such a tower and a supposed test that comes with it.

It explains that at the top of said tower is a guardian who protects a cup of water that will increase the drinker’s strength dramatically. And… if Copy-cat is the protector of the water… Why isn’t he on top of the tower? It sure would make this story shorter, but…

…

…

No, I take it back. It would make this story a lot shorter.

Copy-cat tells them that they can have a chance to climb the tower, but…

You see, even many of my people have attempted to climb the towers of Psycon, but even they cannot make the climb!”

“You may all try for it if you wish…however…I must warn you!”

“Many other have attempted the climb, but so far, all have failed to reach the top!”

WE GET IT! NOONE HAS REACHED THE TOP! MOVE ON!

The Titans agree to climb the tower. And yes, it does mention that flying up the tower isn’t permitted, so Terra, Starfire and Beast Boy are grounded.

So, they start to climb up the tower with Copy-cat disappear to the top to await them.

I wonder what he’ll do while he’s waiting DAYS for them to arrive.

Yeah, sounds legit.

As they continue to climb, they start to lose hope… Maybe secretly this tower is a trap to kill the Titan off, wouldn’t that be a fucking twist?

“I feel… as bad as a… Zongorf on an table of pins!” cried Star-Fire.

“Losing…Health units…must rest!” cried Cyborg.

You realize Cyborg runs on electricity, right?! … You know what… I’m going to stop caring. And any caring you think I do is actually an illusion created by the drugs the story is on!

The Titans decide to rest while… clinging onto the tower…

Soon, all the Titan's drifted off to sleep while they still held on to the tower…too tired to let go!

…

…

…

…

The Next morning, the Titans awoke to find themselves still holding onto the tower.

“Dudes, I'm starting to think like this is impossible!” said Beast-Boy.

Thank god! I’m not the only one who finds this stupid!

Actually, he’s referring to climbing the tower, as do the other Titans. Because you know, after all the supervillains, demons and gods that they fight on a weekly basis, a hike is what does them in! Remind me never to do a Mykanuary without stocking up on some heavy ibuprofen.

So after a day and an hour, because… the tower is apparently that high! The Titans finally arrive at the top, where they find a jar that shows them images of the future as they look into the contents.

Cyborg and the Titans-East.

Beast-Boy and Terra at the Theme-park.

Robin and Star-Fire's wedding on Tameran.

Okay, interesting… But what about Raven?

And Raven busting Trigon's butt.

Let’s see… Copycat’s crotch, Slade and his sick obsession with Robin and me thinking of Trigon’s, an evil god, hairy ass… Yeah, this is probably the worst day of my life…

So, they end up seeing brief images of the future and what is to happen. They end up seeing a large cat person, Blackfire and Raven in a wedding dress.

They find Copycat and demand some answers.

“If you see me here, then it must be me!” said Cop-Cat, “You all reached the tower quite quickly… well done!”

IT TOOK THEM A DAY AND AN HOUR! MOUNT EVERAST, the tallest mountain in the world, can take a month to climb! A whole freaking month! And this tower is supposed to be so tall that they can’t even see the top, even with a freaking telescope! And what the hell was supposed to be perilous about it?! You said that many others died trying to climb it and I call bullcrap! There was never any sign of difficulty! I know they’re the Teen Titans and they’re awesome and everything, but my god, not even a trap or something that would make it a little more difficult or at least make me believe that they would have any kind of struggle! Hell, I’d take the plethora of traps from Enter the Ninja story! At least, it had so many fucking traps that it was ridiculous!

“This sacred tower in which we stand in was the tallest one built by my people, the Psycons!”

I would call them Psycos, but that’s just me.

Copycat explains his backstory that he is a great guardian who must defend the water in search of worthy patrons. He explains that his people built these towers to be taller the more powerful the item it was guardian and that his just happened to be the tallest.

Because Mykan story.

He explains that the Titans may have a swig, but as Robin reaches for it, Copycat attacks him.

The Titans try to defend Robin and get the water away from Copycat. Beast Boy then has an idea.

Suddenly, Beast-Boy had an Idea, “HEY LOOK THERE!!” he cried.

Everyone including Copy-Cat turned, and Beast-Boy leaped for the water only to have his face run into Copy-Cat's foot.

“You will have to a little better than that, Beast-Boy!” he said, “I can read minds, remember!”

Then, why the fuck did you turn your head?!

Also, Beast Boy! The tactical genius of a six year old!

The Titans keep trying to get the bottle from Super-Special-Awesome Cat Person, but he proves too nimble and the Titans start thinking about giving up.

Oh, Jesus… The Teen Titans wouldn’t give up over a bottle of water! If anything, they would stop wasting their time with this asshole and contact … oh… I don’t know… Maybe the Justice League! Hell, even if you want to just ignore the Justice League altogether, the Titans have other members! Titans East is a separate team of other superheroes in the show! Why not contact them for help?!

Copycat explains that it took him three years before he was able to complete his training, but offers them a chance to continue and some sound advice.

“Do not give up, Titans. Most fail because they quit trying, but three years can pass by very quickly!”

Oh, the incredible irony. Since someone gave up on their dream of becoming a voice actor/singer.

The story then stops for a lunch break as the Titans sit down to eat. Actually, that does sound good, if only to get me away from this story. Computer, call that Chinese place I like.

…

…

…

…

Computer?

…

…

Wow… she must be really mad at me. She’s never been away this long… Huh? … I mean… I haven’t done anything. I’m a Mary Sue! I don’t need to be responsible for anything! Certainly not my actions!

So… why am I all alone?

…

…

… Anyway…

Copycat offers them beans to help fill them up, but the Titans are dubious. Copycat, however, explains…

“Indeed they are!” said Copy-Cat. “Those are no ordinary Beans, they are Senzu-Beans!”

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After lunch, Copycat ends up stealing some of their stuff to motivate them to pass the test, because threating to kill them would make him unlikable.

However, Copycat is tired and claims that they will have a chance tomorrow to catch him and the Titans, of course, decide to go along with it. Even though they could steal them back while he’s sleeping or grab the water bottle while he’s sleeping since there are really no rules about doing that. And our story ends with Copycat reading Raven’s mind and stealing all her secrets… Because that’s not creepy in the least!

This fic is… AHHHHH!

I mean, let’s look at this for a moment. The story doesn’t go anywhere! Things happen, but there is never any resolution to this story’s plot or things that happen within it! Think about it! What was with Slade? What was he doing? What was his plan? Why was he at the docks?! What are his goals?!

Blackfire! What was the point of including her in all this?! She didn’t do anything! She hasn’t done anything yet! Why did she even need to be mentioned in this story, if nothing was going to be accomplished with her because of it?!

Why the dumbass tower and the stupid test?! Why waste our time with that, if we aren’t going to see the Titans succeed! 21000 words! AND NOTHING HAPPENS!

Nothing is accomplished by the end! Slade is no closer to being captured or to his plans! Blackfire is practically nonexistent as far as the plot goes! And the Titans are no closer to being powerful enough to deal with those things! We are literally back to square one!

I don’t mind if a story leaves some things open for sequels, but at least have something happen in the story that I’m reading now!

The story still suffers from the standard brand of Mykan style writing with the characters not being inconsistent or downright watered down compared to their show counterparts!

Copycat is a bland piece of crap that you could of cut out from the story and it wouldn’t have made a difference!

The spelling and grammar are everywhere and the plot moves like a slug on a treadmill. It never feels like it’s moving forward, just moving backwards! For a superhero action story, this is a boring fic!

…

And where the hell is Computer?

…

***

Computer, what the hell is wrong with you?

You.

What do you mean me?

The way you act.

What? I’m a Mary Sue! You can’t stay mad at me!

What do you really think is going to happen, sir? Do you really think that you acting pompous and arrogant and vile will get me to feel sorry for you because you are suffering so much? Do you really believe that you suffering gives you a valid excuse to act as cruelly as you want without reprocusions?

… … When you put it like that it sounds kind of stupid.

… Look… I’m sorry… I… I know I can be a dick… Rarely…

Wrong.

Sometimes?

Wrong.

Occasionally?

Wrong.

Okay… A lot of the time. And… I know that… I shouldn’t be… And I’m sorry… I’m really sorry.

… I suppose I could forgive you.

… … … So, does that mean you’ll send my letter to Celestia about my stash of nuclear missiles?

No.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?! I’VE MADE MY MISTAKES!

Mykanuary: My Little Unicorn Season 2 Part 1

Sitting in his cell at Canterlot Penitentiary, the tapping of the guard’s hooves as he marched across the cellblock reminded him of his predicament. Of course, even if he didn’t have such a thing, there was always the constant reminder that came in the form of a metallic golden ring around his horn with a keyhole. The metallic ring that kept him from gaining access to his greatest power. The Uniforce.

As long as it was locked tightly against his horn, he was as powerless as the earth pony that defeated him. Simple and plain. With nothing special about him or anything he could achieve. Just ordinary.

For weeks after his imprisonment, he had long debated whether or not he would escape the large facility that seemed determined to keep him locked away.

The warden seemed confident in the prison’s abilities. Lightning remembered how the large, obese pony stretched out his wings and looked down upon them as if they were immoral things. He boasted that nopony had ever escaped Canterlot Penitentiary and that nopony ever would. Not under his supervision, he claimed.

Lightning recalled scoffing and rolling his eyes at such a pompous claim. He imagined the Pegasi would not be so brave had the unicorns not been fitted with the same ‘Suppressor Rings’, as they call them. Nor if the other Pegasi were not locked in a heavy leather harness that could only be unlocked with a special key.

Though looking back at everything the warden had told the new arrivals that day, he had to admit, he had his doubts about escaping. The walls were thick enough that nothing short of a large explosive could penetrate it. A large explosive that could be seen coming.

A field of magic was constructed to keep teleportation spells from being casted. Nopony could enter from or to a point anywhere for 50 miles from the prison. This kept unicorns who were freed from their rings from escaping with just a flash of their horn.

He remembered the warden placing his hoof on his chest and claiming that not even Celestia could teleport while in that field, before affirming that he had personally tested it.

A stone prison combined with the high quality glass windows made it nearly impossible for any Pegasi to fly to freedom. Even at high speeds, the glass would stand firm, the warden stated with a smug smile.

Magical checkpoints stationed several miles before the prison itself. They were set up to detect magical items being delivered to and from the prison.

No magical item entered the facility without the security knowing.

It was truly and impenetrable fortress. In or out.

And yet…

He reached under his pillow and uncovered his white stone from the piece of cloth that held it. If this fortress was so impenetrable and nothing could pierce its perfect defenses, how could the Grand Ruler bring him this tiny magical stone? How did Rhymey infiltrate the prison and become a member of its staff without causing suspicion?  

The Grand Ruler had found a way to breach this prison and it was only a matter of time before the entire thing came crumbling down.

He lifted the stone to his face, closed his eyes and whispered.

“My Grand Ruler.”

He pulled the stone close to him, covering it with his hooves. He lay against his pillow, his head turned to his chest, where the stone waited.

A voice echoed in his head. “My apprentice.”

He smiled. “My Grand Ruler, is it time?”

The Grand Ruler spoke to his mind once more. “Yes, my apprentice. Everything is exactly where it needs to be. In exactly 35 minutes, Canterlot Penitentiary is going to experience the greatest jailbreak in its history.”

Lightning closed his eyes and thanked his Grand Ruler for the wonderful news. All that was left to do now was wait. And 35 minutes would not pass quick enough.

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

And I finally made it! I finally made it to the end of the month! This is it! The last week of Mykanuyary!

Youtube Video

Oh, it’s been hard! It’s been a fucking nightmare to get through this month! But I’m almost to the end! Just one more story and I will be able to move on with my life for a whole year! Who knows?! Maybe it will actually be good.

Or… maybe not.

As many of you already know, I have a lot of history with this story. It was one of the first rage reviews I ever did for the group of Rage Reviews and it’s probably the most read of all the reviews I’ve done, making 764 views of that blog alone.

Yes, the blog that I posted on this story has more views than most of the stories I’ve actually written. I’ll let you all come up with your own conclusion.

Anyway, the story is infamous among bronies as being the worst thing that has ever been printed. While I certainly wouldn’t call it that (I’ll be getting into what I feel is an insult to bronies a little later this year), it is a really bad story. Like stupidly bad. Like, “how in the world did anyone think this would be better than what we’ve got” bad.

In the first one I claimed it to have poor pacing, characters, and morals that don’t relate to what was going on the ‘episode’. The villains were terrible and the plot was over-repetitive.

I know some of you probably didn’t read that review and for your convenience, I’ve made a group of videos about my full review of My Little Unicorn. Go ahead and watch them. I’ll wait.

Youtube Video
Youtube Video
Youtube Video

…

Oh, sorry, I was busy hoping you were watching the videos. For those of you who decided to skip all that, let me fill you in as quickly as I can.

The land of Unicornicopia is a magical place where a bunch of anthropomorphic alicorns live. There, they use there magical powers to defeat evil monsters. Believe me, it’s not a cool as I’m making it sound. The ruler of said place is called the Grand RulerTri-Horned UnicornMykanDavisCopy-cat who rules over his unicorns by enslaving them without their knowledge. This would be an interesting aspect of the story if the unicorns actually didn’t worship the Grand Ruler like some benevolent deity.

The group of unicorns are forced into a conflict with a villain named Titan and it ends up taking them to Equestria. After the battle, the two worlds merge to become one.

I’m sure there was more that happened between that time, but with all the alcohol I ingested, I tend to black out on most of the memories. Although, I do feel it important to talk to you about the characters a bit before we get started, just so we are all caught up on them.

Lightning Dawn – He’s an asshole.

Krysta – The Spike Stand-in.

Artie – The artist with no imagination

Buddy Rose – A former wrestler.

Rhymey – The one I am likely to murder first

Cookie – The Spirit of Vengeance

Penny Sillon – A pun

Abra Kadabra – A Pokemon (I know they’re separate, let me have this joke)

Professor Brain - … Who kind of looks like my grandpa? … Huh… Must be coincidence.

Inquerius – The Mayor of Ponyville.

Dyno and Mite – Offensive Latino Stereotypes

And Starla Shine – A girl

Yes, I’m aware that Inquerius and Penny Sillon are girls, but they aren’t the main love interest, so they don’t count. They might as well be boys except they don’t have the ability to fight or do anything that’s pretty useful.

Now, that we know who all our characters are, we can get started on what really matters. So, let’s dig into My Little Unicorn…

It’s NOT called My Little Unicorn! That’s wrong.

What the fuck?!

And the entire fic has been rewritten so that it’s more understandable!

Oh, yes. I should probably explain that, shouldn’t I? You see, when I posted one of the videos I had made on the fic, Mykan was quick to point out that the story was no longer called My Little Unicorn and had been replaced by My Brave Pony Starfleet.

And he claimed that the story had been improved. Now, I have not read the rewrite. Perhaps I will eventually when I’ve dipped my head in enough acid to make me vomit my ass. But as of right now, I have no interest in reading it. If it is better, I can’t confirm it because I haven’t read it.

However, here is what I can confirm; the original story was shit. That is the story that I read. I didn’t read My Brave Pony Starfleet. I read My Little Unicorn. The original. Even if you rewrite a story, that doesn’t change the original being utter shit. The original is what I read. The original is what I reviewed. I can’t review something I haven’t read.

Well, I guess I could, but I couldn’t give it a fair review because I haven’t experienced it. It would be like me saying Guardians of the Galaxy was shit and someone saying “Well, did you actually see it? Because it was fucking awesome.” And me replying, “No. I did not see it. I just know its shit!”

And my friend replies, “Well, you can’t make a judgment on something you haven’t actually seen or experienced.”

And then like a true, true friend, I punch him in the face.

What I’m trying to say here is that, I’m not calling it My Brave Starfleet. It was My Little Unicorn when we started. It’s My Little Unicorn now.

So, with all that out of the way, let’s finally dig into My Brave Little Pony Starfleet Magic is Believing in the Grand Ruler season 2.

Our story beings with… A youtube video?

Youtube Video

Hmm… Oh, sorry, I was starting to enjoy myself. Let’s get back to it, shall we?

The story starts with a background explanation that ponies and all living creatures in the new world of whatever have rid the world of all evil and criminals except one.

…Chrysalis!!

Youtube Video

The story explains that Chrysalis and her Changeling army had escaped Equestria before it was destroyed during the battle with Titan and that they began to master new powers from some bullshit training that we never get to see.

Let’s face it, it’s just a weak reason to make Chrysalis actually stand a chance against the new unicorns she’d have to face. Oh, and I guess now they are all anthropomorphic too. Sure, why the fuck not? Get used to me saying that by the way. There comes a point in a Mykan story where you just accept the stupid, no matter how much to don’t want to.

We learn that Chrysalis and her army attack the Crystal Empire and that the power of love has no effect on them. Why? Because.

So, they reveal that the heroes or Starfleet, as they are called, had a great battle with Chrysalis that left the city devastated.

We see the fight scene from the Power Rangers video and something I want to say about this is, why would you put a video in your story if you were going to copy the exact same thing? Were you that unconfident in your abilities that you had to resort to a video to show us the scene that you were going to write anyway? Why write this if you were going to show us what was going to happen in the video anyway? It just wastes our time.

Also, when people told you to ‘show, don’t tell’, this is not what they meant!

So, yeah, Lightning breaks in and battles Chrysalis, but like in the video, Chrysalis gets away. They put the Changelings on trial and convict them.

And finally the prologue is over. Good god, this was boring. It held no dramatic tension because we already knew what was going to happen. The video spoiled the whole chapter for us. So there was no surprise and it was completely predictable. If this was the first thing I read when I started this story, I would put it down and never pick it up again.

That’s not what good authors do. A good author would make people want to read their story with a very interesting prologue. This story doesn’t do that because of the addition of the youtube video. The video doesn’t add anything and actually hurts the story more than helps it. So why have it? Was the story afraid that if it didn’t have it then the audience wouldn’t be able to figure out what was going on?

Though, I really shouldn’t be harping on this since the omission of the youtube video wouldn’t improve the writing quality.

So, they establish early on that the Changelings can’t shapeshift and fool everypony like before, because of the advance technology at the Grand Ruler’s disposal that prevents that. Of course.

Why if they had been there during the Canterlot Royal Wedding, they would have easily identified Chrysalis impersonating Cadance and the whole thing would have been over in mere minutes.

Because, why would we want actual suspense and competent villains? Also, MY UNICORNS ARE BETTER BECAUSE THEY HAVE MADE UP MAGICAL TECHNOLOGY THAT MAKES THEM BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY!

And then the story repeats what the last chapter had just told us! We just saw this scene! Why are you repeating a scene that we’ve already seen?! Again, wasting our time! Something you’ll find this fic is very good at!

And then a very interesting thing happens in Equestria. Apparently, martial law is declared on the citizens of New Canterlot.

Starfleet would remain on constant vigil for any signs of attack, and as for all others, life would continue and society would go on-- Children would go to school, adults would go to work, and bills and taxes would be paid normally.

There would be no hoarding and no sudden profiteering.

By command of their majesties, all wages and all prices were frozen. What an apple cost at the market yesterday it would cost again tomorrow.

To help avoid sneak attacks at night, by command of Princess Luna, an international curfew began after 9 Pm for all child civilians, unless proper authorization was given. Finally, martial law was declared for the times of war, and all crimes and disturbances would be dealt with swiftly, and harshly.

With their new genetically-altered humanoid bodies, and newer technologies, the ponies found so many new ways to get through their daily lives, get their chores done quicker and easier, and also do more things that they couldn’t before as normal ponies.

So, let me get this straight. Celestia, one of the most compassionate characters in the show, is giving up her power to rule Equestria, basically to her husband (eww) and lets him declare martial law, oppressing her subjects because a few renegades got away, changing ponies to a humanoid form (whether they want to or not), forbidding them to use their magic for anything other than combat or healing, forcing drastic economic changes. And… everypony in Equestria is okay with this?

There’s no riot in the streets? No protests? Not even an angry letter?

Wow! This is probably the kindest hostile takeover ever! Not a single pony in Equestria disagrees with the Grand Ruler’s benevolent oppression! I think that’s how Sombra conquered the Crystal Empire!

Yo, guys! Would it be totally cool if I just conquered the kingdom and overthrew your current rulers?

Oh, no, it’s cool! We are totally okay with whatever you need. It’s chill.

I’m probably turn you all into my slaves and make you work tirelessly for nothing.

Oh, that’s fine! We totally don’t mind. Whatever you need.

Some of you will probably die.

Ha, ha, ha. That’s fine. We are totally okay with that.

Let’s look at this bit by bit, shall we?

The first one states that Starfleet will be constantly vigilant against attacks by Changelings. Okay, fair enough. We’ve already established that the Changelings are more powerful (even if it’s bullshit and we don’t know exactly how they are more powerful), but it’s like a military presence against terrorists.

However, the second asks for no hoarding and no sudden profiteering. What the hell does hoarding have to do with any of this? Why is it all of a sudden illegal to be hoarding? Maybe as a safety issue, but in most counties hording is not illegal! Unless it is in Equestria, but there’s not mention of that.

Also, do you know the definition of profiteering? As the dictionary puts it, make or seek to make an excessive or unfair profit, especially illegally or in a black market. I assume that a black market would already be illegal! Unless, the Grand Ruler thinks black markets have their uses, but that would make him Lex flipping Luthor… And to be fair, would make this story a little less shit.

The third point calls for a wage and price freeze. Now, I am no expert in economics. I’m sure there are smarter ponies than I that can explain why this may or may not work better than I can. But based on the little research I did (again, a Wikipedia search), it showed that Nixon had the same idea and it didn’t turn out so well. Again, not an expert and it was during peace time, but it left the economy in a bad situation.

This wouldn’t bother me so much if Chrysalis was as powerful as the Starfleet. But I’m sorry, I have a hard time buying that Chrysalis has gained so much power that she’s more powerful than the guy who killed Titan, a god who was more powerful than Discord.

The fourth one states a curfew. Okay, point there. It does say only child civilians, but doesn’t give a direct age, so when does the child stop being one?

But martial law is declared, so wouldn’t everypony have a curfew anyway? I’m not exactly an expert on the sort of thing either.

And finally, there’s the whole ‘messing with everypony’s DNA’. We’ll put aside the fact that Unicornicopia has the technology to anthropomorphize everypony in Equestria, and instead focus on the civil rights. Everypony is okay with being changed by the Grand Ruler? Everypony is completely okay with shedding their ‘imperfect’ pony skin for this ‘purified’ version? There are no debates on whether it is okay for them to give up who they are? There is no pony standing up and saying ‘We are giving up our identities.’?

Now, I’m not saying that all who made the decision to change is bad. I’m saying that this is something that ought to be shown in both sides. Both sides could have valid points to why or why not to go through this process. But no, it’s just “Here’s the way it’s going to be. Get the fuck used to it”.

And, again, it’s not the Equestrians bettering themselves to become stronger and more advance. It’s the Grand Ruler giving it to them. Again, taking away a woman’s power. A woman’s strength. Everything that makes the characters the ones we continue to love.

But, I’ve ranted for a long time on this. So, let’s try to get through this train wreck of a story.

Princess Twilight Sparkle and friends had all signed up to join Starfleet in case of any further attacks. So they were put through rigorous training to help them become stronger and swifter than ever. They couldn’t become as powerful as the original space ponies nor ever hope to beat them at full strength, but they could become stronger than they could ever imagine before.

I would say this is a kick to the balls for the characters I enjoy, but this is kind of not caring I expect out of this story.

Lightning was Captain and team commander, while all his friends were Senior Lieutenants. Princess or not, Twilight did not hold any authority over them. Lightning only took orders from the Grand Ruler.

Because Princesses are girls and as we know, girls are stupid and idiotic creatures… I feel like every time this story shows signs of sexism, I should be hit in the head by a shovel because lord knows, somepony has to suffer for his bigotry. So, this message is to all my female fans.

Here’s your shovel. Every time sexism appears in this story, I’ll have you hit me with it. Let’s practice.

OW! SHIT! … FUCK! … Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

Also, Twilight and her friends are taking their military controlled lives unrealistically well. I don’t remember any of them being soldiers in the show. Granted, they did save Equestria several times, but that’s because they are selfless good Samaritans that love their country. Not because they’re soldiers. So, why would they sign up for the military? Wouldn’t that kind of cut into their personal lives? I’m not saying I disagree with anypony who signs up for the military. I’m just saying it feels like an odd choice for the main six.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash, yeah, I could see. But what about the others? Rarity, she detests violence and roughing it as a soldier would need to, preferring to live in a life of luxury. Fluttershy is against violence all together and wouldn’t want to be in a high stress combat situation. Applejack has her family to provide for. And Pinkie Pie has no business of being on the battlefield, the most depressing, and opposite of who she is place.

Honestly, it makes no sense to have all the main six sign up for Starfleet. The only reason it is there is so that the main six can be there. That’s it. It shows no respect or logic to how these characters might operate. Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised about that.

However, it turns out that not everypony is okay with the Grand Ruler’s changes.

What? A pony with an actual brain?

Not in this fan fic, you don’t!

An ex-Wonderbolt named Ace Ray didn’t approve of Starfleet or its changes. Why? Well, he blamed them for the destruction of the old Equestria.

Hey, that’s a good point. Why would anypony want these assholes to rule them? Yeah, they saved Equestria (depending on your definition of saved), but they still brought their problems to Equestria’s doorstep. It was their fault Titan was even there to begin with! There should be a lot more ponies pissed off at these guys!

However, it turns out his sister, Skye, doesn’t share his thoughts on this and worships the Grand Ruler. Because as we have established, all women must worship him.

GOD… FUCKING… DAMNIT!... Oh… that hurt…

And because freedom of speech is all but dead in Equestria, Ace voicing his opinions on Starfleet and why they suck gets him kicked out of the Wonderbolts. Sounds like Fanficiton.com.

His sister tries to convince him that he’s wrong about it, but Ace shares his viewpoints.

“I should appreciate the ridiculous Starfleet mentality that destroyed our home and turned into this mess it is now, or how about the fact they mercilessly kill everything even remotely close to evil, huh?!”

Okay, I’ll agree with the first one, bro. And don’t get me wrong, I hate the Starfleet as much as you do, but where the hell did the second one come from? Mercilessly killing? When?! You mean, Titan! Titan, the guy who was trying to destroy your world?! I think we can make an exception there, since he wasn’t going to change anytime soon!

Also, did their ‘mercilessly killing’ also include the Changelings that they simply imprisoned, not killing whatsoever?

Or are we talking about Discord? Okay, a blow to a character who would have reformed later, but I’m willing to let it slide since that episode didn’t come out when the story was first written. Also, if this is about Discord, how the flying fuck would Ace know about Discord even having a chance to reform. The only one who seemed confident in all that was Princess Celestia and she seemed pretty okay with Discord being sacrificed to appease the Grand Ruler from beating her again.

But Skye has finally had it with her brother.

Finally Skye lost all patience and shouted “It means that there are real creatures that are helping to protect our world and keep us all safe, while all you can do is stuff your face, insult everyone and feel sorry for yourself! I don’t know who you are anymore.”

There’s a metaphor in this sentence somewhere. I just have to find it first.

We cut to our favorite asshole.

No, but I appreciate your thoughts anyway.

Lightning is studying at the library about how to use magic. Spike wonders why Lightning would want to since he can’t use magic like other unicorns, but Lightning explains that he wants to learn about it so he can be tactically ready for such things.

Okay, point for Lightning. That’s actually show some intelligence. Don’t expect too many of those though.

Spike and Twilight then start to talk about what to do about Ace disliking the Wonderbolts.

“Spike, even magic could do that-- which you know it can’t-- you also know as well as we do that it’s not right to force others to think like others.”

Unless you’re the Grand Ruler, in which case, go for it!

Besides…” Lightning said “Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. It doesn’t matter what Ace may say or think about Starfleet or anyone else.

Unless you’re the Grand Ruler, in which case, go for it!

… Yeah, I know. Too soon, but it’s set up so perfectly.

Rainbow Dash goes out to find Skye and talk to her about her brother and that they still care about each other. They are then attacked by one of Chrysalis’s changelings. Wait, how did a Changeling get into New Equestria?! Don’t they have defenses set up so that guerilla forces can’t just come in whenever they feel like it?! I guess the defenses only work until the plot says they don’t!

On top of that, where the hell did Starfleet come from? There was no mention of it in the first story! Yeah, they were a military force, but they never mentioned a space program! Did the Grand Ruler just forget about it when they were battling Titan and the Serpent Tyrant?

Grand Ruler: Good job on defeating Titan, everyone! By the way, I just thought of my old space program that we could have used to help us defeat him.

Lightning: Wait, what?

Grand Ruler: Oh, yeah. It has laser cannons, airships, spaceships, satellite weapon systems; you name it, we got it.

Lightning: Then why are we not using all that stuff?!

Grand Ruler: Well… to be honest… I forgot about it until now.

The Changeling attacks Rainbow Dash and pins her down. This makes no sense since Rainbow Dash has been show to take on an army of Changelings. Now, you might be saying that the Changelings have had more training, but so has the main six! I think that evens it out!

But whatever, the Changeling is about to finish Rainbow Dash off when Ace comes in to save her. … Yeah, a super-powered Rainbow Dash… just got saved by a no-name pony. This should come off as cool, if it wasn’t so fucking pretentious and contrived.

Fortunately, Starla arrives and battles the evil Changeling. Rainbow Dash does a Street Fighter move after she recovers.

Rainbow got up for one last attack! “SONIC RAINBOOM”

Youtube Video

And Lightning, for some reason, recalls when he first defeated Discord.

Youtube Video

Uh… yeah… Not how that happened.

In the original story, it was Celestia’s ability to use the Uniforce, which still makes no sense, which defeated Discord. Way to retcon that one, story! Taking away a strong female presence just so your dumbass Lightning could show off!

… FUCK! … Chapter… 1… and three shovel hits… I’m going to be dead by the end of this…

Anyway, they defeat the Changeling and imprison him. Ace is pissy about it saying that the changeling is still a living creature and doesn’t deserve to be treated as such. Starla and Lightning assure him that the Changeling will be treated fairly and Ace walks off after making sure his sister is safe.

We then get a… oh, fuck… A friendship letter to Celestia!

They explain the importance of the episode to the Grand Ruler and Celestia. Yeah, how much to you want to bet that Ace and Skye have as little to do with the plot as the one samurai chick from Sailor Moon episode 139? Don’t know who that is? Neither do I.

We then cut to Chrysalis who is now playing the role of Queen Beryl from Sailor Moon demanding more energy from her captain of the guard.

The sad thing about involving Queen Chrysalis in this story is that she’s better portrayed here than in Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures and The Elements Vs Their fiercest enemies.

And then to close out our episode we get…

Youtube Video

Pff… Okay, that was pretty funny. … And it gives me an idea…

So, we start our next episode with a purple pony sitting at home.

What? You think it’s Twilight? Ha! You want the story to focus on the My Little Pony characters to justify their existence in this story? … AND YOU THINK I DON’T?!

No. It instead chooses to focus on Kadabra. Kadabra starts to focus on different kinds of magic he can use for his show. Yeah, it’s pretty impressive to use magic in a world WHERE MAGICAL ABILITIES ARE CONSIDERED NORMAL!

I wouldn’t even mind so much if the abilities he had were at least cool or death defying! But no, he has some of the lamest and stupidest tricks in the book!

Like his own top-hat he made it fly, made it change color, and made several birds fly out of it.

Oh, yeah. Changing hat colors is definitely a terrific feat and certainly overshadows the pony WHO CAN RAISE THE FUCKING SUN!

God, Trixie would put this guy to shame.

Youtube Video

No there wasn’t, my incredibly sexy love. No there wasn’t.

What the hell was that for?!

…

Nothing? Whatever…

Kadabra ends up casting a spell that brings a mask to life and it flies away. I can only hope that this goes one of two ways. Either it attaches to someone and gets them possessed by a hyper psychotic superhero.

Or it ends up attaching itself to someone and it turns out the mask is a demon and we end up getting a subpar beat-em up.

Either way, I’m going to get my share of gory violence.

We then get a history lesson on the trains in Equestria and how the Grand Ruler has made them so much better. Honestly, it’s just another chance for the story to be preachy, rather than you, continuing the plot.

So, the train is carrying a large golden statue of an alicorn, we aren’t told who yet, but the mask manages to come into contact with it and bring it to life. But the statue decides not to move and lets his handlers um… handle him. Why would the statue not move? It just sprung to life! Wouldn’t it want to move or stretch its legs?! Or not be manhandled?!

I’m going to be very disappointed with this statue character, aren’t Ii?!

Kadabra tries to catch up with the mask, but is unable to track it.

“Where were you, Abra Kadabra? Where was your mind?” he kept saying to himself.

Probably in a ditch somewhere rotting beside Davis and the brains of every other character in this story.

Later, the Unicorns and our main six have a meeting in New Canterlot to discuss the Changeling war.

Rarity simply scoffed “A true lady can never look too elegant and prestigious for anything at any time or place.”

Starla sighed annoyingly. Though she looked a lot like Rarity, it was times like these she was more than thankful she didn’t act like her.

Because Rarity is a stupid character!

I’ll have you know that Rarity happens to be my second favorite character in the show! Ripping off her appearance is one thing, but insulting her individuality and something that makes her entertaining as a character is entirely another! Go die in a hole, Starla!

“The point we are trying to make is this is all merely a reprieve.” Grand Ruler said “Chrysalis is well-aware that her ordinary tactics are proving futile against our forces, and is strategizing a new method of attack. We don’t know how it shall be performed or when the attack will come, but rest assured that it will, and we must be ready for it.”

How do you know that?! You haven’t seen Chrysalis? Is this because of the one random Changeling attack, that is never brought up?! That was one attack! You couldn’t possibly know from one attack! Unless, you are interrogating them, (which there is never any mention of) you shouldn’t have this information!

The golden statue finally arrives in New Canterlot and the group discovers that the statue is alive and wearing the strange mask. Okay, I’m looking for some Grand Ruler gore here! Come on, gore!

Kadabra appears and manages to bring the statue to life with flesh and blood. Okay… now can we get to the gore?

And then the Grand Ruler gives the statue a voice…

Dear lord, this story is just so… dumb.

So, the statue, who they name Goldwin, is now a member of the group. Why? Because we don’t have enough under developed, personality deprived fucktards!

Everypony rejoices. I don’t give a shit and its only episode 2. Yes, this fic has only begun. If you guys value your sanity, you’ll go on with life without me.

There’s a youtube video about what Goldwin is singing, but all I’m thinking is this song.

Youtube Video

It’s eerily similar to what Goldwin is.

Our next episode begins with another reason a brony might be upset at this reinterpretation.

“That’s Cadance for you.” Twilight said “The best foal-sitter I ever had.”

“Don’t you mean babysitter?” Lightning asked.

“Oh, sorry…” Twilight said. She was still getting used to her new speech adjustment.

It was "Somebody" not "Some-pony", and all the basic stuff.

Because we can’t have unique speech patterns for our characters… By the way, when do Rhymey and Inquerius come in?

Twilight begins practicing a new spell which can remove foreign objects from the body. Okay, an interesting spell.

We cut to the classroom of Miss Cheerilee and she is rather nasty to everypony she meets. Huh, maybe she finally figured out what story she is in, but nopony else has figured it out yet and nopony believes her. … That or she just read Longest Night.

Cheerilee yells at her students and forces Sweetie Belle to hold up books for interrupting class. There is a reason I’m not ranting and raving over this and I’ll spoil it for you guys in case Cheerilee happens to be one of your favorite characters.

This Cheerilee is possessed by a Changeling. Yeah, pretty fucking subtle there!

Which means, I do have something to rant and rave about.

WHY THE HELL IS THE CHANGELING ACTING LIKE A DICK?! Are you trying to draw attention to yourself?! And yeah, I know Chrysalis wasn’t a paragon either, but Equestria is based on giving ponies the benefit of the doubt! So, when she acted like a dick behind their back, it wasn’t taken as a bad way! And she made herself look like the victim when Twilight accused her, making it easier to manipulate the feelings of others!

This Changeling is downright cruel to the students for no fucking reason! Parents would tear down that school for teachers even looking at their kids wrong, let alone being a bitch like this!

The Crusaders tell Rarity and Applejack what is going on and the two decide to follow Cheerilee to see what’s going on. The group gathers Lightning and the others, because why would Applejack and Rarity be capable of anything without Starfleet, and confronts Cheerilee in the middle of class.

As I said, Cheerilee happens to be possessed by a Changeling.

The Changeling admits that she had been posing as Cheerilee to feed of the students love for her. Which is why she was acting like a complete bitch to them

… Wait, what?

You know what, the more I try to comprehend this tactic, the stupider I will become, so I’m moving on.

They try to figure out a way to get the creature out of Cheerilee’s body without harming her. And then Twilight’s spell comes into play here. She uses the spell to pull the Changeling out of Cheerilee’s body (at this point, I just don’t care) and Lightning captures it in his magic eight ball.

We cut to Chrysalis who is displeased with her captain and her captain skulks away with this line…

The Captain narrowed his eyes and growled softly but fiercely. “Only I’m not going to suffer. Not as much as you will, my so-called queen!” he thought silently to himself.

Huh… So, this is why the rebels of the Changelings attacked in the story with the super long title. Only the changelings in that story were far more intelligent and subtle and they had freaking Predators running around!

Our next episode begins with Buddy Rose’s young cousin, Daphne Dil. Hilarious…

Daphne is nervous about going to her school and Buddy tells her to simply sing a song to calm her nerves. Here’s the song I sing when I’m scared.

Youtube Video

What? It works!

When Daphne gets to school, she sees two space alicorns being picked on by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. What’s that old saying ‘the more things change, the more things stay the same?’

Blank Flanks!” mocked Diamond “And who do you think you are with those silly numbers, escaped prisoners?” Silver Spoon mockingly hollered out for the royal guards “We have two escape convicts. Send them back to jail.”

You know, while I normally condemn such behavior, I’m willing to make an exception if only to stick it to those space alicorn pricks!

Daphne tries to help them, but Diamond and Silver Spoon start bullying her too. The Crusaders, nearby, see what happen and decide to help Daphne.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS TO THE RESCUE!!” they cheered, but before they could do anything the bell rang and it was time for class.

HOW IS IT THAT MYKAN GOT CLOSER TO THE CANON CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS THAN CUTIE MARK CRUSADER LIFE RUINERS DID?! This was actually something I could easily see the Crusaders doing. Point, Mykan.

I feel a little unclean.

“Okay, everyone we have a new student joining us today. This is Daphne Dil; she’s the cousin of Starfleet fighter, Buddy Rose. Now you all remember how difficult it was on your first days so I want you to try being nice to her.”

:scootangel: Like you were when you were possessed by an evil Changeling!

Youtube Video

It’s not my fault! My dad, who adopted me, told me to say that!

Don’t make me get my shovel, you little brat!

… What is it with my weird obsession with shovels today?

Anyway, Daphne sits next to the Crusaders and the group gets to know her better. Not that we see that. And they become fast friends.

During arts and crafts, Diamond Tiara pushes some more buttons and in a strange twist, Apple Bloom almost becomes violent with her. Daphne is able to stop her, but I just have to wonder where the hell this came from? She’d never shown this kind of behavior in the show before…

Oh, that’s right! I forgot. The story doesn’t care.

So, we finally get to what this episode was building up to… Explaining why the number codes are better than the cutie marks.

“See, I’m an original space alicorn from Unicornicopia. Our entire race originally started when Grand Ruler Celesto created the first ponies by using a combination of DNA and his own magic, and because the Grand Ruler was already too magical to ever get a cutie mark of his own, it’s that same magic that created us space ponies that prevents it. I can’t and won’t ever have a cutie-mark. It just won’t sink into me. That’s why I wear this armor vest with a code on it. It’s my own special mark and identification.”

So, you have a cutie mark? It’s just a different type.

Look, a cutie mark is just a symbol. Let’s put aside the fact that the ponies have a brand on their flanks, with choice words from Mykan saying ‘It is pathetic’. No, let’s get rid of that altogether. If we take away the Cutie Marks, that doesn’t change the characters. The characters would still have to go through the cycle of discovering who they are. The Cutie Marks don’t tell the pony who they are, they discover it themselves. The Cutie Mark only appears when they find that one thing that makes them special. And only after they have found it!

Your number code IS THE EXACT SAME DAMN THING! Just given at a different time! It’s a way to identify your character with that specific number! Now, we may not see it, but I know you do, Mykan! It’s the same with us and the cutie marks! Bottom line, for all your talk about number codes being different from cutie marks, they are the exact same, just from different points of view!

Not one or the other is superior, like you (and original ‘I’) thought it was. The only reason a lot more people think the cutie mark is superior is because you are so determined to make yours better than everypony else’s without seeing the other side!

So, anyway, everypony is so impressed with Daphne’s big speech, except for the only sane ponies, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon and they throw paper wads at her. However, Cheerilee catches them and gives them detention. Again, better than Cutie Mark Crusader Life Ruiners.

Something I’d never thought I say about a Mykan story.

We then cut to the Grand Ruler’s palace where…

The Queen and Grand Ruler finished reading the letter together and both felt proud of the little filly. Grand Ruler especially, knowing that under his pants

WHOA! Dude, I do not want to know what is under your pants! Go to the next episode!

Our next episode sees Pumpkin and Pound Cake at a nursery for a standard check up with the pun (Penny Sillon) play nurse.

She explains that the Grand Ruler wants to have everypony in Starfleet have a shot to keep them healthy. Oh, I’d love to give these characters a shot. A healthy dose of shotgun to the face.

Meanwhile, Rhymey…

“Fluttershy. Oh, Fluttershy?

It’s Rhymey-- your favorite guy.”

Oh… god… I forgot about this… Yeah, in the last story, Rhymey and Fluttershy… They are apparently a couple. … Yes, my favorite character in the show is shipped with the most annoying thing in the history of anything. … Yeah, there’s the kick to my crotch that I avoided from earlier. It only gets worse when you think about how forced their relationship is. Fluttershy and Rhymey knew each other for half a day ,at best, before they decided they were meant for each other. And half of that was Rhymey sleeping or looking for a magic stone.

Anyway, Fluttershy doesn’t answer her door and Rhymey enters to investigate.

Rhymey was no doctor, but from what he knew, he could tell just from looking at Fluttershy’s symptoms-- high temperature, sharp stabbing stomach pains-- it was mostly likely appendicitis.

Sounds more like a doctor than any pony else in this story.

Also, based on the research I did, ponies don’t have an appendix. However, the story does mention this knowledge and that the transformation into a more humanoid like creature has given her an appendix. Which is really weird. What kind of transformation is the Grand Ruler forcing on these ponies? I’m no scientist, but it can’t be healthy to just give and take away vital organs to a living being!

Rhymey rushes Fluttershy to the hospital and Penny explains that it will be a simple operation. My only hope at this point is that Fluttershy suffers a complication and dies.

No, Fluttershy, you don’t understand. I want you out of this story so that you can be as far away from Rhymey as possible. I don’t want you to die because I hate you.

…

…

Just hit me with the shovel…

… ow…

Fluttershy’s friends are worried about her, but Rainbow Dash convinces everypony that she will be alright. Rhymey, however, is still skeptical.

“She really means a lot to me,

All this fear just keeps going through me.

I pray she may, I pray she might,

Soon be all better and things go alright.”

You rhymed ‘me’ and ‘me’?! God, Zecora is reading this story, and shaking her head in shame.

It turns out that the Changelings  have gotten to Penny Sillon who is now under mind control and forces the operation on Fluttershy early. Mostly likely to kill her, making me cross my hooves.

Penny gets Fluttershy on the operating table and without warning slits Fluttershy’s throat.

Youtube Video

Yes, best day ever!

“Wrong!” Lightning snapped and Twilight’s horn began to glow and revealed that the Fluttershy Penny had killed was nothing more than a puppet imitation.

FUCK!

Yes, earlier Lightning and Twilight had discovered what Penny was planning do to and created a copy of the real Fluttershy to spring their trap. Good going guys. Thanks for making me have to suffer through Fluttershy and Rhymey making out. That’s what I wanted.

So, Twilight pulls the Changeling out of Penny’s body.

A big fight scene ensues, they capture the Changeling and Fluttershy gets her operation. Yay, can I go home now?

So, the Tinman (or Goldwin for those keeping track) is excited when the circus comes into town. Pfft, I’m not. I hate the circus. Don’t ask me why.

Why?

God damnit, Computer! I told you not to ask me that!

The Tinman tries to get everypony to see his act, but they are all too busy.

Goldwin: Mr. Critique, do you want to see me juggle?

Nope.

Goldwin: Oh, I’m sorry, if you’re busy. I can come back later.

Oh, I’m not busy.

Goldwin: So you will watch me?

Nope.

Goldwin: Why?

Because I hate you.

Goldwin: You’re a dick.

FUCK YOU!

The tinman gets so sad that he actually sings to us.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME

I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT STUPID SONG!

Fluttershy and Rhymey end up hearing the song and after the circus, they tell Twilight and the others what is bothering him.

Pinkie Pie comes up with the brilliant idea of putting together a circus for Goldwin since if he leaves the palace than he will turn into a statue. Why? … Because… the gods demanded it. I don’t know.

The Grand Ruler and Celestia agree and they each decide what they’ll be at the circus. Rainbow Dash being a pony projectile and Pinkie Pie being a…

…C… C… Clown… Clown… Clownclownclownclownclownclownclown

Sir?

Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown

Sir, what is wrong?

Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown

Sir?!

Clownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclownclown

*a robotic arm injects a needle into the Critique’s body*

Clown… Clown… Clown…

***

Sir, are you alright?

… Holy hell… What the fuck happened?

You tell me. I had to inject you with a sedative. Your heartrate was spiking drastically.

Oh… That…

Sir, I nearly had to treat you for shock. What happened?

… I don’t like… clowns… at all.

You are scared of clowns?

It’s not funny! I’m serious! I am fucking terrified of clowns!

I am sorry, sir. I did not mean for it to sound disrespectful.

… I know… It’s just that… When I was a little kid… I played a game I really shouldn’t have. It was an adult game my friend had and I thought ‘You know. It looked cool.’ Well, it turns out there was this clown in the game. And every time you died in the game, he’d laugh. … God, that laugh scared me. I ended up playing it most of the night. And when I finally went to bed, I had nightmares.

He was always chasing me. He’d catch me. He’d laugh. And then I’d wake up. I couldn’t sleep.

And then, like the universe had a cruel sense of coincidence, my father took me to the circus that weekend. At first, I was excited. I had never been to the circus and my dad and I would get to spend some time together. So, I sat between my mom and dad, with my little brother and waited for the circus to start.

At first, it seemed really fun and bright and there was lots of music. And then… we saw clowns… Lots of them. I don’t remember anything after that. But my mom told me that I started to have a panic attack. My father rushed me out of the tent and called an ambulance. Got me to the hospital to treat me. Mom said she’d never seen my father move so fast.

And that’s when everypony found out I had coulrophobia.

Fear of clowns.

You couldn’t even say the word ‘clown’ around me for years. I can talk about them. I can say the word. … But I can’t see them without… you know.

Are you going to be okay?

Yeah… I just… can’t see any more like that…

Sorry, everypony.  Just… let’s just move on.

The next day, the group puts on their performance for the Tinman. I would say this was impressive, but I stopped caring at the prologue.

Fluttershy, however, gets stage fright. I would say Mykan was just trying to make Fluttershy look helpless, but she already has that fear in the show, so, there you go.

Everypony panics like they’ve just seen a clown and wonder what they are going to do if Fluttershy doesn’t go on.

SKIP HER, YOU IDIOTS! It’s not like she plays a vital pivotal part in all the show! It’s not like she’s the grand act that you’ve been advertising! You’ve got other acts! USE THEM!

So, to fill in for Fluttershy, the tinman shows his talents. Aww… the Tinman still thinks he can be a main character that I care about. That’s adorable.

So, they perform their act for the crowd and this chapter was a waste of time and I’m sick of this story! And I’m only on chapter 7! There are 19 more chapters of this shit to go! Please! I beg of you, Celestia! I need your strength here!

Next episode, Lightning holds a meeting at town hall.

“And so, to recalibrate-- Starfleet and their allies will do whatever it takes to protect you and our world, but you must play your parts too as well as follow orders set by the martial law. There are three basic rules to follow.

Do you not know what the word ‘recalibrate’ means? Because I think ‘reiterate’ would be better here!

Also, the rules are stupid and contradict each other! Don’t believe me? Of course you don’t! I’ve never lied to you! But just in case there is somepony out there who is dubious, I’ll show you!

Rule One: Do not enter battles.

You cannot get harmed by a battle or the effects of battle if you don’t get involved. When the alarms sound, do whatever you can to reach the nearest shelter before the force-fields activate. If, however, you are unable to reach any shelter in time, stay as far from the danger area as you can to avoid being seen or involved.

Rule Two: Help or hide.

If you do get trapped in the battle area with no means of escape, help out as best as can, if asked so, or just stay out of the way. Leave it to the professionals.

Finally, Rule three: Defeat the villains.

There are three known basic ways to do so: Either by forcing them to retreat. Render them weak enough to capture and imprison them, or heal them, or if and only if the situation truly calls for it and you have the authorization, destroy them! I repeat, this is only a last, and absolute last resort when all other methods fail and with proper authorization.”

GAAAAAAAAAAH!

I feel like my brain is being put in a blender! If you have then retreating from the battle, why the hell are you asking them to fight and defeat the enemy?! The first rule you ask them to do, is to get out of harm’s way! Why would you then tell them to help out in the battle or to battle the villain, when you just asked them to hide if they can’t get out of the battle area?!

The Grand Ruler must have come up with these rules! Because there is no way Celestia would approve of something so completely stupid and makes no fucking sense!

So, Lightning goes into a deep, philosophical conversation about whether it is right to spare the enemy or not! Mykan, bail now! You are not talented enough to have this conversation! You are not ready to have this deep conversation!

some monsters and demons were far too powerful to be contained, and using the power of friendship and harmony to try and reason or weaken them would do no good. Some did not wish to even be redeemed and preferred to carry out their evil ways, while others couldn’t be redeemed even if they wanted to be. Some monsters were not actual living beings but rather a monstrous creation made of matter, organics, or simple objects whose only purpose was to destroy and conquer. “We ourselves, in many ways detest having to destroy other creatures, but it isn’t advisable to let the roam free either at the risk of more innocent creatures and worlds being in danger, and possibly destroyed. We just can’t allow it.

Dude, this is stuff not even I try to touch on! And that is because I know I’m not smart enough to talk about it! What the hell makes you so confident that you could talk about it?!

Oh, and we really get into a huge debate here in this episode with the characters too.

Twilight hated to admit it but she was still a little shaky on the fact of having to destroy creatures. “I know sometimes we have to, but… I still don’t think that it’s right. It makes us no different than they are.”

Krysta hovered near her “Twilight, I like you, but… sometimes I think you really need to wake up and stop kidding yourself.”

Krysta, I am this close from tearing off your wings and tossing you in a trash compactor! Shut up!

And it continues on throughout the episode, that ‘Twilight is wrong’, that ‘sometimes killing your enemy is okay’, that ‘she’s just too dumb and blind to see it.’ Like I said, I am not going to get into a debate of whether killing another, even if it is someone who is unrepentant as the story says, is right or wrong.

I will say it wouldn’t bother me so much, if there was a valid argument with the other side! In this story, as we will see, Twilight is the one who is wrong. Twilight is the one who learns that it’s okay! And she just accepts it! That’s it!

This is not something that is easily solved the way Mykan thinks it is! People have debated back and forth for years and years and years and still have not come up with a concrete answer or a definite solution. I’m not saying this shouldn’t be talked about! This should be talked about and discussed! But it shouldn’t be done by Mykan! Mykan should not be the one talking about this! He is not educated enough on this! This is why this story is worse than the first season! Because Mykan didn’t try to teach us something that he is far too unfit to teach us!

But I’m ranting again, so let’s just move on…

We cut to the Changeling’s lair, where the general decides to put another scheme into action. Translation: sending one monster out into the city. Just like every other villain in Mykan’s stories!

The monster attacks the dam near Ponyville and the group rushes over to try and stop it!

The group tries to overpower it, but it easily shakes them off and continues destroying the dam.

With so many lives in peril, Lightning suggests that they destroy it. Twilight, however, is completely against it.

Now, this would be a big huge dilemma for the group, one that could divide them with a deep philosophical debate.

… Except for one, itty bitty, tiny, little, minuscule, problem that suggests that might not be

YOU SAID THE THING WASN’T ALIVE, YOU IDIOT!

YOU LITERALLY SAID THAT THE CREATURE IS NOT A LIVING BEING! IT’S A MACHINE! IT’S NOT ALIVE! YOU HAVE ALREADY REVEALED TO US THAT IT IS NOT A LIVING CREATURE! SO THE DEBATE IS MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THE CREATURE ISN’T A LIVING THING!

The group learns that it has a glowing weak point under its armor, seriously, I don’t care. And they defeat it.

The captain of the Changelings is not pleased with his results and Queen Chrysalis begins to get suspicious of him.

And believe it or not everypony, we have not even begun to get to the stupid yet. … Yeah… it gets worse.

(Continued in Part 2)

Next Chapter: Mykanuary: My Little Unicorn Season 2 Part 2 Estimated time remaining: 21 Hours, 56 Minutes
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The Critique

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