Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Most of the stories I review involving OC’s suck. Why is that? Is it because good characters are so hard to create?

I certainly don’t think so. Characters aren’t really that difficult to create. Okay, good characters are a little harder to create, especially if it is an OC in a previously established universe, but if this show in particular has taught us anything, it is that new characters can work.

Take for example, Maud Pie. I admit, I haven’t seen the episode introducing her character (don’t worry, it’s on the list of things to do), but a lot of fans really liked the character, despite the fact that she appeared only in one episode, late into the series.

Again, I admit to not having seen the episode yet, so if you are looking for my opinion on her, I can’t really give it. I don’t know the character, so I can’t give you a personal preference of what I think.

But the point is, new characters that are introduced to the series can work. They do work. And they work if they are written well. However, most stories we see on FIMFiction lack the creativity and thoughtfulness that needs to go into an original character.

Most original characters are usually fantasy fulfillment for the author, leaving very few flaws and glorifying the character, usual by making other characters look mean spirited or down right idiotic. A good original character should be good without demeaning or perverting the other characters or the world around it.

But does our story today finally break the mold? Is this the story that I review where the OC is actually good? Well, let’s Enter the Ninja by Blackbash and find out. … That sounded really gross, didn’t it?

So we start our story with Luna taking over Celestia’s shift to guard the night.

The night was as cold and silent as ever, and for a small minute, Luna switched her sight from the all seeing telescope to a small set of mountains out in the distance.

Wait, how do you have a small minute? Did you only have half a minute or something? But then it wouldn’t be a minute, would it? How do you have a small minute?

Luna starts to guard the night, from what is never made clear, but starts to get distract when she starts to think about a pony she had known long ago.

“Besides Snowdrop, ‘he’ was the only one who not only understood the importance of my night, but enjoyed it as well.”

… So, this is in the same canon as Snowdrop? … I’m not sure how to feel about that. Especially since Snowdrop didn’t suck!

The moonlight shone on an old, deserted castle in the Everfree Forest.

For the record, ‘shone’ isn’t a word! Shined would have been much better!

Luna travels to the old castle in Everfree, when suddenly the small shards of glass within the castle start to form black smoke. Oh, wait…

Sir, are you sure you are reading this right?

Of course I’m sure. Look…

“Besides Snowdrop, ‘he’ was the only one who not only understood the importance of my night, but enjoyed it as well.” She breathed. The moonlight shone on an old, deserted castle in the Everfree Forest. Shattered remains of a glass like substance began to move. They gathered together under the moonlight and began to glow. After a short period of time, the pieces transformed into a dark glittering, purple smoke. A low, maniacal, witch-like laughter escaped for the substance and it headed straight for the Canderlot Castle.

Sir, I think those are supposed to be two separate thoughts.

Oh, dear Christ. The scene changes in the middle of the paragraph! We start the paragraph in Canterlot and then out of the fucking blue, we jump all the way to the Everfree Forest! There isn’t even an indication that shows us a transition. Instead, the audience thinks that Luna rushed to the forest for no reason!

I know your audience isn’t stupid, but there are certain things that indicate a separate scene! Use page brakes! That is how your audience knows that one scene has ended and another one has begun!

Anyway, the dark mist or whatever makes it way to Canterlot and attacks Celestia. It begins to suck all the magic out of Celestia’s horn and slithers away with Celestia still slumbering.

So, Celestia wakes up and goes to relieve Luna of guard duty before raising the sun.

The sun goddess rose from her cushion, trotted over to the telescope and tapped Luna on the back with large wing.

Large wing on big pony. Big horn on pretty pony. Talk like this, make you sound stupid… And offensive.

So, Luna and Celestia embrace and it is revealed that Celestia has a big black spot where the dark mist had sucked out her magic. Unfortunately, it is the narration telling us and not Luna discovering it. Apparently being out all night has caused Luna to not care about what her sister looks like. I admit I don’t see the black spot on Celestia’s head, but that’s only because the story is so poorly written that the little descriptions we do get are bland as hell.

So, the mist starts to soar away and makes its way back to the Everfree Forest. Meanwhile, the narration decides to switch scenes in the middle of a paragraph!

We join Zecora in her hut where she making her special brew.

“Why pay a fee, when I can make my own raspberry tea for free?”

Zecora: My ingredients will put Brisk out of business forever! It is easily my most ambitious endeavor!

Anyway, just as Zecora is putting the finishing touches on her master plan, the dark mist breaks into her hut and attacks her.

“Who dares attack my hut?! How would you like a kick in the……..…butt?”

Her rhyming is really not good. Not as good as it should. The flow feels odd, it feels quite flawed. She follows a cadence and speaks in verse; this way is sloppy and will only get worse.

Zecora didn’t know what she was looking at,

Neither do I, since the author doesn’t bother to describe it.

The dark mist attacks Zecora and steals the Alicorn Amulet away from her. The mist then forms a dark mare and flies off wearing the Alicorn Amulet.

“Oh my Celestia!” thought Zecora. “She’s got the amulet!”

Wait, so Zecora can speak in rhymes, but won’t think in rhymes? That doesn’t make any sense! You don’t think differently than when you speak! Unless Zecora has a separate personality that doesn’t make her rhyme, she should have rhymed her thoughts! Not that your rhymes were that impressive anyway, but if you are going to start with her rhyming, at least follow through with it!

Anyway, we finally get our first page break in the story, even though we should’ve have four of them by now, but whatever.

This was the start of a new day, and a new life for Twilight Sparkle, the newest and youngest princess of Equestria.

And it was the first day that fans called her a Mary Sue, which to this day makes no fucking sense.

She had spent the night at her old home in Canderlot getting ready for her first day as a ruler of Equestria.

My god! Did somebody even proofread this thing? Canderlot? What? Are you just making up words as you go?! Jesus, I haven’t even mentioned the terrible grammar, but now you want to add bad spelling on the list of things that are wrong with this story. The long list of things! God, this one is going to physically hurt me, isn’t it?

Twilight is nervous about presenting herself on her first day in Canterlot… oh, I’m sorry, Canderlot, as it is written. She asks Spike for advice, but Spike tells her she looks fine. Twilight isn’t convinced, but Spike is able to convince her otherwise.

“Look Twilight, don’t waste time worrying about your appearance, because you look beautiful.” Not as beautiful as Rarity, but good.  He silently added.

Yes, you are beautiful, Twilight. You don’t look as good as other girls, but you're still beautiful.

Okay, that was low and I’m sorry.

Twilight rushes out and meets with her brother, his wife and the Princesses.

“I can’t say how proud I am to be your brother” he expressed,

Holy hell, what is with these ponies?! Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I get the vibe that Twilight wasn’t cool before she was a princess. Newsflash, she was cool before then too! How do you think she became an alicorn in the first place?!

Anyway, Luna tells her not to worry about her nerves and Celestia starts to feel ill. Oh, now somepony notices that Celestia isn’t well. What the hell is with these characters?

“No, I’m fine” Celestia said, determined not to let this ‘drained’ feeling hold her back from her duties.

Get it, it’s a joke! Celestia is literally dying and the author is making jokes! Ha, ha, ha! God, I hate you.

So, Celestia starts having a headache, but Cadence is able to heal her using her magic.

"Here princess, let me help.” said Cadence rushing up to her aunt.”

Wait… Did Cadence just say what she was going to do? Who the hell proofread this?! A three year old?! No, I take that back! I’ve seen three year olds with a better grasp on grammar than you!

Ugh! Anyway, after Celestia is healed, a black spot in the sky starts to block out the sun.  It turns out to be the moon, which Luna attempts to defend herself, but Celestia already reveals that she knows it’s not her.

“Then who’s doing this? And who would have the power to do such a thing?” questioned Twilight.”

“I have no idea”, answered Cadence.”

What the hell is with Cadence saying what she is doing? Is this some kind of new personality trait that Cadence has and I’m just hearing about it now?! And apparently, it’s contagious, since Twilight also has this problem!

Celestia says that the dark mist is heading towards Ponyville and Twilight requests to go back to help her friends. Celestia agrees and Twilight teleports back to her library home. Wait, is Twilight’s teleport that powerful that she can teleport from Canderlot (yes, I’m not letting this go) to Ponyville? I mean, if she can, that’s awesome, but I’m pretty sure she can’t. If she can, why the hell bother with transportation such as trains and balloons?

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, everypony starts panicking as the dark cloud descends upon the city.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash start to wonder what is going on, but then hear Rarity screaming. And of course, it is just a gag for Rarity to seem like a vain bitch.

“No! I’m not o.k.! I couldn’t see in this blasted darkness and I fell in a mud puddle! In my newest dress! Just look at me! This is the worst! Possible! Thing!”

Look, I know that Rarity has a tendency to overlook the big picture and focus on the little things, but come on! There is a freaking dark cloud hovering over Ponyville, threatening to destroy you all and you are worried about your fucking dress!

Fortunately, Applejack and Rainbow Dash seemed to be using their brains and berate Rarity for being vain.

“For cryin’ out loud, Rarity!” yelled Applejack. “There are much more important things to worry about than some silly old dress!”

We need to find out how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop! The world must know!

Pinkie Pie then mysteriously appears… And I really do mean mysteriously.

“Pinkie Pie?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Where’d you come from?”

“I don’t know.” she admitted.

What the fuck? Look, I know Pinkie Pie isn’t the most easily understood characters, but there has got to be some logic to her! How does she not know how she got there?! Did you just drop her there on the page or something?! She can break the fourth wall, you know! So her response would have been…

I just was written into this scene by the author, even though I will serve no purpose to the overall plot whatsoever.

Thank you, Pinkie Pie. And let’s keep moving.

Twilight then appears in Ponyville, I guess she does have the power to teleport from Ponyville to Canderlot. Makes you wonder why Celestia needs to travel in a coach then.

Anyway, they rush off to find Fluttershy, who’s… house has been chained up? … I don’t know.

Anyway, they break in and find Fluttershy unconscious. When she doesn’t awaken, Rainbow Dash acts like a dick.

“Fluttershy! Angel’s hurt!” fibbed Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy instantly regained her sense and color. “Oh no! Angel!” Fluttershy stole Angel away from Rainbow and examined him carefully. “Thank Celestia you’re safe. Rainbow!” she said in a cross manner. “Why’d you lie to me?”

"Sorry, but we had to snap you out of it somehow.” replied Rainbow.

Fluttershy, Angel is hurt!

Really?

Just fucking with you!

Fluttershy, Applejack is having sex with Big MacIntosh!

Really?

Got you again!

Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie jumped into Ghastly Gorge and just committed suicide.

Fuck you, Rainbow Dash! I’m not falling for that again!

So, they ask Fluttershy what happened to her.

Fluttershy took a deep breath and explained. “I was in town doing some shopping, when I saw the sky was getting dark. I said to myself, there’s no way its night time already! But then I looked up and saw the sun being covered by huge black ball. I was getting frightened, then I saw the shape of Princess Celestia. I rushed over to see her, and I found out.” She said in dark tone. “I-It wasn’t her.”

Wait, if you were in town, how the hell are you in your cottage? Did your body take a trip during the middle of your faint attack? Did whatever attacked you pick you up and carry you home? If so, that’s pretty courteous.

Anyway, the group sprints off to find the Elements of Harmony to combat whatever the thing is that attacked them.

Zecora appears at Fluttershy’s cottage, but says that she is too late because the group already left. Wait… How did Zecora know they were even there? How did she know that they were ALL there?! Was she just waiting outside for them and is just too stupid to figure out they left?! Did she take a nap outside Fluttershy’s house as they walked in?

Did she see them leave?! If so, why did she bother walking into the cottage at all?! If she knew they weren’t there, why the hell did she go in after she saw them leave?!

Twilight and the others arrive at Canderlot and ask Celestia for the Elements of Harmony. Celestia says that she’s already extracted them from the Tree of Harmony. (God, I really need to find time to watch season 4) and Twilight and her friends prepare to face off against whatever is attacking.

However, Celestia and Luna offer to join them, believing that what they are facing is more dangerous than what they’ve encountered before.

They leave Cadence and Shining Armor to look after the Crystal Empire and Canderlot while their away. They teleport to another location with Shining Armor thinking.

Good luck Twily, and be safe. He prayed.

And then in the next sentence, same damn paragraph, Celestia gets shot by a dark magic.

There stood a replica of Celestia, except for few minor details. Her body color was blacker than a raven, her eyes and armor were blood red, her mane color started with red and slowly faded to black. Her cutie mark was a skull and cross bones and she wore a familiar amulet.

And then we get a Youtube video. That’s right, a Youtube video in the middle of the story! WHY?!

There is no reason to put a Youtube video in your story! This is especially bad since I don’t have access to the video as it says it is private! So, this dramatic moment where we reveal our villain is interrupted because I have to scroll past the video (that won’t even play) to get to the next part of the story, taking me out of the dramatic situation.

I would show you guys what is on the video, most likely something stupid and pointless, but I can’t. So I’ll just show you what I think the video is probably about.

Thank god for Homer Simpson.

So, it turns out that the creature that attacked them was none other than Nightmare Moon. Twilight and the others confront Nightmare Moon and ask what her plans are. Notice how they don’t bother asking how she came to be, most likely because the author doesn’t care to explain it.

Anyway, Nightmare Moon explains how she found the Alicorn Amulet and explains how she took it from Zecora.

“Oh don’t worry.” Nightmare Moon interrupted. “I didn’t harm her… too much.”

All the ponies greeted their teeth in anger.

You stupid teeth! You owe me money!

How wonderful to see you, teeth! Let me get my dental equipment!

Nightmare Moon boasts about how she is going to turn the world into eternal night, when Twilight response with…

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” interrupted Twilight. “Let’s just fast forward to the part where we beat and get back to our lives.

As badass as that was, that seems a little out of character for Twilight. Rainbow Dash would probably say something like that, but I have a hard time seeing Twilight saying this. Still what do I care? It’s probably the best point in the story so far.

Anyway, Twilight and the others gather up and use the Elements of Harmony on Nightmare Moon, naturally destroying her and they all live happily ever…

The girls were dumbstruck; Nightmare Moon blocked their most powerful attack like it was nothing!

Um… okay then. There is usually a word that goes into this type of situation… What was that word? Hm… Oh, yeah, I remember.

Look, I’m pretty sure that the Alicorn Amulet is powerful, but enough to block out the Elements of Harmony? That’s a pretty big thing to swallow for me, since they used it against Discord, a freaking god of chaos, and he was still turned to stone, despite how incredibly powerful he was! This doesn’t make any kind of sense, even if the Alicorn Amulet was combined with Nightmare Moon, she would still have to be able to manipulate reality in a way that Discord couldn’t. And need I remind you, Discord could pretty much change anything into whatever he wanted with just a twitch of his pinkie!

Zecora comes in and tells the characters what we already know, making her completely pointless. And then she is asked to hide by Applejack and she does so, making her useless as well.

Seriously, you can’t make her rhyme, she’s providing information that the characters already know, and now she is cowering before an enemy; why is she even in this story?!

Celestia attempts to attack the creature, but finds out her magic have been drained.

Now, some of you may be chanting, “Celestia is composed of good magic. Maybe that’s why she’s immune to the Elements of Harmony” And that’s a valid point… Except that, Luna was also corrupted by Nightmare Moon and was freed using the Elements of Harmony. The Elements should have still wiped out Nightmare Moon and free Celestia’s magic!

Again, this is stupid!

Also, they are finding this out now? Here’s a good question for the author, if Celestia didn’t have her magic, how the hell did she raise the sun? Consistency! You suck at it!

How dare you do that to our Princess, you wicked beast!” yelled Twilight. Nightmare Moon gave the small alicorn a venomous glare. “What did you say?” she asked in a threatening voice.

Yeah, that second quote there, that was Nightmare Moon speaking. I’ll bet you thought it was Twilight, didn’t you? What? Did you think that a new paragraph would start every time a new character spoke, making it infinitely easier for the reader to keep track of when one character starts and another character ends? What kind of stupid idea is that?

Anyway, Nightmare Moon attacks them and knocks them all to the ground.

“Oh! Look at me!” cried Rarity, “Now I look worse than my dress!”

Rarity, there is a monster that is trying to kill you! And you want to worry about your messed up appearance! You sound like a Mykan character!

[img]http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/692b82876a9c93a505b96a9cc35665d3/http://i1156.photobucket.com/albums/p570/bolemis/tumblr_liapt6Ufzq1qaha6c.gif[/img]

Okay, Rarity, that was a low, low blow. And I am so, so very sorry. Please, don’t cry. Please, Rarity. You know you’re my second favorite character in the show, right? I know you’re not this vain. It’s this author! He’s terrible! Please, don’t cry…

[email protected]

There’s my email address. Feel free to flame me. I totally deserve it.

So, Nightmare Moon takes the Elements of Harmony away from the characters and destroys them. This would be a problem, if she didn’t already do that in the first episode… and it didn’t work there either!

Anyway, Nightmare Moon laughs as she proclaims power over Equestria.

“How ironic, the very magic you use to protect all of Equestria is now the source of the power that will extinguish the light FOOORRREVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!”

Pfft… I’m sorry could you say that again!

FOOORRREVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!”

Okay, now Pinkie Pie!

Now, SpongeBob!

Now, you and SpongeBob!

Now, Pinkie Pie again!

I love my job!

Luna and Twilight decide to take another shot at Nightmare Moon, clearly not realizing that probably running and gathering a new plan would be better, but whatever. They fire a magical blast that hits Nightmare Moon and the resulting shockwave rushes towards the others, but Celestia shields them with her own body.

Thank you very much princess.” said Fluttershy.

“You’re, welcome young one.” replied Celestia as she was battered by the winds.

I’m think, I’m, going, Shatner.

Nightmare Moon laughed in victory. “I told you.” She said mockingly. “Now that I possess the power of both the sun and moon, I’m invincible!”

Yeah, she’s the bad guy, but if it ends this story quicker, I’m down with it.

So, Luna and Twilight are defeated by the more powerful Nightmare Moon and are forced to retreat before Nightmare Moon can finish them off. Which means that the story will be even longer. Huzzah…

Nightmare Moon feeling that they are no longer a threat to her, rushes off to Tartarus to release all the evil creatures trapped inside.

“Using her magic, she shrank the canine down to the size of a puppy. Frightened by her intensive power, the tiny guard scampered away leaving the gate of the underworld exposed. All the dark creatures immediately clambered to the doors desperately trying to escape.

Yes, apparently Nightmare Moon is now monologuing to herself, explaining everything that she is doing. Though there is no end quote here, so frankly it tells me she never stopped.

“You want out?” asked Nightmare Moon. “Okaaaaaay.”

Well, at least she didn’t say ‘Okey Dokie’.

James Cameron’s Spider-Man movie review… It’s here, check it out.

Anyway, back at Canderlot, Shining Armor is attempting to bring order to the castle, when Twilight and the others return. They explain what happened during their battle with Nightmare Moon and show him the remains of the Elements of Harmony, saying that their powers are now useless.

Even though in the first episode she did the exact same thing and they were fine, but whatever.

Luna sends a message to the Crystal Empire in order to get Princess Cadence to come back to Canterlot. Even though, it would have been easier to teleport there since there doesn’t seem to be a limit on the range she can teleport, but hey, no thought was put into this story so far.

"I hope she gets it soon, the longer she keeps that amulet, the more evil she becomes.” thought Luna.

Yes, because attempted murder and releasing all the beings in Tartarus clearly isn’t evil enough. Now chimney sweeps? That’s evil!

So, because this chapter clearly wasn’t long enough, we then cut to Cadence who is reading about what happened, last scene! It’s a complete recap of the things that happened before! We just read this! Why am I being forced to read it again?!

“It’s to explain it to Cadence.”

Having her read the letter is enough to let her know! You don’t need to go into details about the contents of the letter when we just saw what happened!

Anyway, after reading the letter, Shining Armor and Twilight appear behind her. Wait, then what was the fucking point of sending the letter?! If you were just going to teleport there, why bother with a letter at all?!

They ask Cadence to help with the restoration of Celestia’s power, and Cadence promises to do everything she can.

“Cadence.” Put in Shining.

Put in Shining? What are they going to watch that horror movie with Jack Nicholson in it?

“Oh! And I love you.” added the Prince.

“I love you too Shiny.” She giggled as the two shared a brief kiss. “Alright Twilight, let’s do this.” she breathed.

Seriously, Cadence giggled here? I know that the two are husband and wife. I don’t have a problem with that, but her aunt is dying. I don’t think she would be giggling right now, no matter who was kissing her. The reactions to these situations really feel off.

Cadence arrives and starts to heal Celestia with the other characters wondering what to do about Nightmare Moon. Luna explains to them about a pony she once knew who might be able to help them.

“His name is…Ninja.”

In retrospect, it was a stupid thing to name a child. It didn’t leave him with many careers he could pursue.

Ninja: But I don’t want to be a ninja. I want to be a doctor and help people!

Ninja’s Mom: Now, son, we’ve been through this! Your father and I named you what you are so you could love the night, love sneaking around, and love assassinating people!

Ninja: You never think about what I want! I want to be a doctor, but they won’t take anyone named Dr. Ninja!

Ninja’s Mom: We all have our path in life.

Ninja: This path sucks!

And so does this story.

“Yes.” answered Luna. “He was a ‘special’ friend of mine when my sister and I were growing up. He is a master of the deadly martial arts as well as magic.”

Little known fact, Equestria actually represented Feudal Japan before Luna was banished, with a constant struggle between Celestia’s samurai against Luna’s ninja clan.

I don’t want to see anyone writing a story about this!

Luna’s cheeks began to glow pink. “He is a very powerful and kind stallion, who not only understood my night, but enjoyed it. We met one night when I was raising the moon. He was performing some type of dark magical spell; that sparked my curiosity, so after I was done, I went to investigate."

Turns out that he was a cultist too. He brought into the world the most dangerous creature in all of the My Little Pony Universe. The Brony (Brony is the property of Hasbro… Apparently)

The other mares began to wonder what she met by ‘continued’, but she gave a reassuring glance that terminated any dirty thoughts.

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. You might as well have put a big sign over your head saying “I let him screw me every night!”

“He also told me how he is the guardian of a secret power that nopony else knows about.”

Because I would just tell my girlfriend about the stuff that I’m not supposed to tell anyone about. And thus if my enemies found out that she knew would most likely target her to make her tell them what this power is! I’m such a good boyfriend!

Anyway, Luna explains that Ninja’s last known location was in the mountains beyond Canderlot, though she isn’t exactly sure where.

“But right now, it is the only other source of power we have left.” said Luna.

Uh… No, it isn’t. You still have Discord. I know I haven’t seen season four, but I’m pretty sure he’s still an ally in early season 4. Like I said, the guy can alter reality on a whim. I’m pretty sure he can handle Nightmare Moon. It’s like he doesn’t even exist in this story!

Princess Celestia asks Twilight and her friends to find Ninja and the power he guards.

You must go, for ‘it’ is our last hope.

Are you trying to put emphasis on the word ‘it’? Because if so, than the way you did it makes it sound like Celestia is being sarcastic. Usually, if you want to put an emphasis on a word, you use italics it.  For example, This story really sucks.

The way you wrote it would be like me saying; “This story is ‘great’.” Great at being a piece of shit!

Twilight agrees to go and her friends agree to travel with her.

“With the fate of fashion in jeopardy, how can I refuse?” asked Rarity.

Ugh, I’m beginning to think that this author has only seen 3 second videos of Rarity and never actually watched an episode with her.

“We’re on ya like apples on an apple tree.” added Applejack

Ewww….

The yellow Pegasus looked out the royal window at the endless black night that the dark mare had created. After a moment, she closed her eyes and turned back to her friends in a defeated manner. “Twilight.” she began. “This is… just too scary.” She confessed. The girls couldn’t believe what they just heard.

“But Fluttershy, I…”

Fluttershy raised one hoof in the air to silence Twilight mid-speech. “Which is all the more reason why I’m in.”

“You’re serious?” asked Twilight.

“Of course. I could never leave any of you or my animal friends in the dark.” All the ponies ran over to the yellow Pegasus and embraced her.

“You’re very brave Fluttershy.” commended Celestia.

What the hell was the point of that?! I know Fluttershy isn’t the bravest pony, but come on! Did we really need this scene?! Not only does it make Fluttershy look like an ass, but it also doesn’t fit her. She has always been with her friends when they go on dangerous missions. I know she’s a coward, but she would never abandon her friends.

And that makes this scene really stupid!

The group begins to gather supplies and make their way to the mountains.

“I’m positive.” replied Luna. “Trust me when I tell you he is the purest pony I know. Not to the mention the most handsome. She added silently.

Celestia: You know I can hear you, right?

Luna: Luna looked up to the sky and thought to herself, “He’s the most handsome, and powerful, and wonderful, and greatest sex partner I ever had. And then Luna remembered the best sex they ever had-

Celestia: Okay, Luna, time to take your pills.

Anyway, we cut back to the main six where they arrive at the mountain, where they attempt to scale it. When Rarity… oh, Christ.

Rarity pulls out a series of clothes for them to wear. Now, normally this wouldn’t be a problem for me. I have no issues with Rarity making clothes for them. However, this story decides to describe to us every little detail about the clothes, which are each specially designed for each individual character. Why am I angry about this?

What the fucking hell does this have to do with the story?! Seriously, we have an evil force that is out and about, doing whatever the hell it wants, there is a mystical force that our heroes are supposed to find when they have no idea where to look, and you want to take us away from that part of the story, to describe to us what kind of earmuffs Twilight is wearing?!

That’s not good storytelling! It kills the tension of the story by interrupting it with pointless information that doesn’t further the plot or give us insight to the characters or situation!

Anyway, the group gathers up their supplies and makes their way up the mountain.

Without the heat of the sun, the journey up the mountain proved difficult for the mares, but they struggled on.

And that is apparently how difficult it was for them. How difficult was it? Why, it was so difficult, they… um… uh… they… Actually, how was this journey difficult for them? Did they get lost? Were they cold? Did one of them break their leg? Did they run into Mel Gibson? What the hell made this journey difficult?!

So the group continues to make their way up the mountain with Rarity saying…

“Are we there yet?” asked Rarity after an hour.

“No, not yet.” answered Applejack.

(Five minutes later) “How about now?” repeated the fashion designer.

See? I can do that too. It’s called a quick laugh. Something that this story makes me do… and not for the reasons you think.

So, I guess, after an hour of hiking, they finally reach the top of the mountain. You know, because climbing something like this

Is as easy as walking to your local grocery store.

We then get another scene of where Rarity is shown to be incredibly vain by complaining about her sweat on her body.

Rarity was able to put aside her love for her skin to be with her little sister and do something that she wanted to do! The Sisterhooves Social!

She was able to ignore the fact that she was covered in dirt and was able to outwit a group of diamond dogs that kidnapped her! A Dog and Pony Show!

She dunked her head in a pile of garbage to make sure Pinkie Pie didn’t learn about the party that they were throwing for her! Party of One!

Rarity has been able to overcome her vanity for the sake of her friends and family and when the situation calls for it! But what would I expect from someone who can’t even spell Canterlot right?!

Anyway, they find out that a part of the mountain is illusion as Twilight passes right through it. The others follower and they find themselves in a semi-dark cavern.

I’m not kidding.

Inside the mountain, the girls found themselves in a semi-dark cavern.

Every sentence I read is like more of my brain is melting out of my skull.

Anyway, they begin to explore the cave, when suddenly they accidently activate a series of traps. A spear trap threatens to impale Twilight, but luckily Rainbow Dash saves her just in time… Only for them to get in another trap. The classic moving spiked walls trap.

No, Spike, you never appear in this story again.

Yeah, I know, you get neglected all the time, don’t you?

They escape with Twilight making a hole in one of the walls, however Applejack gets a small cut during their escape. Rarity, however, says that she’s got a first aid kit at the ready.

“Told you I backed everything essential.” After cleaning Applejack’s cut, Rarity wrapped up her cut.

I don’t even want to know what ‘backed’ everything essential means. Unless, it’s like backing up things on your computer, but that doesn’t make much sense either.

We then get another pointless scene of Fluttershy being extremely cowardly, not remembering why they are even there to begin with and what is at stake, all for the sake of ‘dramatic tension’ even though it makes no goddamn sense!

When suddenly they activate another trap, as the ceiling starts to slowly descend upon them. They manage to make it out except for the tip of Rarity’s tail, which gets crushed by the ceiling. The manage to cut Rarity loose, but she starts whinny about her tail, even though in the second episode of the series, she was willing to cut off her tail, with no issues. But if it isn’t obvious by now, the author hates Rarity and Fluttershy. Oddly enough, those are my two favorite characters in the show. So, as you can imagine, I don’t take this well.

Look, if you don’t like Rarity or Fluttershy, that’s fine. We all have our opinion on who is best pony. But just because you hate a character, doesn’t mean you have to write them out of character or write them as stupid or as whiny! These characters don’t act like the characters I enjoy watching or reading about! They act like stereotypes of the characters I enjoy watching and reading about! And it makes the author look like he doesn’t respect the characters that he is writing about!

So, Pinkie Pie gets caught in a web, it doesn’t really explain how since it is a cobweb and it is most likely it would be right in front of her and she’d probably have to be too stupid to see it, but hey, it’s clear that the only character this author likes is Luna, so all other characters have to be morons, right?

They then get attack by blades, but Twilight is able to get them out of it using a spell. My god, the pacing on this is awful. It just goes from one trap to the other without giving us a moment to catch our breath. It doesn’t allow the story to breathe at all and just jumps us from one scene to the next.

“Twi?” questioned Applejack. “Why can’t I feel any ground?” Everypony looked down; they were standing on nothing. Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie and Fluttershy fell straight down; leaving Rainbow and Twilight hovering

Yes, because gravity works until you don’t realize you have no ground under you.

Rule 8: Gravity is a harsh mistress.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy save them (I would question Fluttershy’s lack of remember she is a Pegasus, but in the show she has shown that her wings betray her when she is scared, so I’ll let it slide) and they run into ANOTHER TRAP!

Jesus, I feel like I should have Admiral Ackbar on repeat!

I made to 5 seconds and I had more fun in that 5 seconds than in the time I wasted reading this.

“You know?” asked Pinkie. “I’m starting to think this is a ‘booby trap party’.”

“Yeah, and I’m hoping that was that last one.” expressed Rainbow.

“Me too.” breathed Fluttershy. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

You and me both, Fluttershy.

So they come across a bridge where absolutely nothing happens, except good character development and the character’s thoughts on what has been going on so far. Oh, wait. I wished that’d happened.

No, of course, what happens is the bridge, it turns out, is, saying it with me kids, a trap! God! You are doing nothing here that is interesting! The first trap was nice, the second trap was okay, the third was annoying, and everything after that was painful!

They escape that thanks to Twilight’s teleportation powers and run into… Oh, fuck. Another fucking trap! Really?!

Dunsparce! Take me with you!

So, they make it through the trap. Gee, it’s almost like we’ve seen this before. Ten times already! Ten fucking times! My god, not even Mykan was this repetitive! (… Wow, I’ve been surprisingly nice to him in this review. I should probably stop that.)

And we get another scene of Fluttershy being a coward. How many scenes do we need of this?! We’ve had 3 scenes like this in the story already! Why do we need another one?! Is Fluttershy conquering her fear multiple times such a vital point in the story?! She’s already conquered her fear of going with them up the mountain, she’s already conquered her fear of pressing forward despite the traps, and now we just saw a scene where in the face of another trap, she conquers her fear.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for character development, but it feels like for all the ‘conquering’ she does, she never actually learns anything or gets any less afraid! It feels like pointless dramatic tension! Now, you might be arguing, “Fluttershy had the same thing going for her in the ‘Dragonshy’ episode.”

One, in the episode, Fluttershy is terrified to go up the mountain because of the dragon. Not because it is high or that there were unknown dangers. She was terrified of dragons. That was the only reason she was afraid to go up there. She didn’t want to follow through with the other trails, because she knew in the end, she would have to encounter the dragon. That’s why each time she conquered the tasks it was attributed to her character and ultimately ended with her facing her greatest fear.

This doesn’t do that! It’s just random fears with no end point! With no ultimate goal in mind!

Ugh! I hate this story.

“Hopefully that was the last trap.” said Rarity.

Even the characters in the story are begging you to stop with the traps! Will you though? What do you think the answer is people who are reading this? I’ll give you a hint; it’s not what I would do.

Suddenly, a loud rumble sounded from behind. The girls peered into the darkness and giant boulder came rolling toward them.

Thank you, Spider-Man.

Now, let’s move on before I shoot someone.

Speaking of shooting, they enter another room where a hail of arrows come straight for them.

THIS IS THE LONGEST STORY I’VE EVER READ! AND IT’S ONLY 15000 FUCKING WORDS!

So, they make it through that trap and Pinkie Pie says the smartest thing this story has said yet.

“Yeah.” replied Pinkie heavily. “It stopped being fun, after the first twenty.”

Understatement of the fucking millennium! Pinkie Pie, you are now my favorite pony!

They finally, FINALLY, make it to some kind of Asian alter where they met with the character, Ninja, who apparently speaks in nothing but rhymes.

“Does he know Zacora?” asked Applejack.

I don’t know who the fuck Zacora is?! Is he or she a new character in all this?! Is he from Canderlot?! Is Zecora his sister?! Does he speak in rhyme?! Does he make hundreds of traps all for the sake of making his story pointlessly longer?!

Sir, you’re rambling now. I think you’ve made you point.

Have I, Computer? Have I fucking really made my fucking point?!

Yes, you have. And this review is going on far too long.

… Huff… You’re right. Let’s just try to finish this as quickly as possible.

Anyway, they enter the room and are treated by a group of ninja ponies, who heal their wounds instantly. Wonderful, those traps were utterly pointless.

And they finally get to meet Ninja. And then we get another YouTube video. That’s right. Another pointless video. And guess what? I can’t show you what’s on the video since it is still considered private! What the hell?! Why do you need a video in this story?!

Is it to create dramatic tension? A dramatic reveal of the Ninja character?! Well, why not just have the dramatic reveal speak for itself, rather than using music to add to it?! I realize that music does have the power to build on a scene and often times readers will listen to music while they read. I understand this.

I also understand that listening to music while writing is a way to convey the scene better in your mind. I myself practice that.

My issue here is that not only does the video not play, but this is a written story! The story should be able to stand on its own merits! Without the aid of music! The scenes can be more powerful with music, but the scenes should be powerful regardless!

And using a YouTube video to add dramatic tension to a situation?! Who does that?!

Sir, I am pregnant with your child.

… Wait, how are you pregnant? You’re a computer.

Don’t kill the dramatic moment.

So, Ninja greets the main six and welcomes them into his home, telling them that they are the only ones who made it through the series of traps.

“It turns out that everypony that attempted to pass through the traps committed suicide after about the third one. And not for the reasons you might think”

“Five hundred and sixty six have tried, and they all perished.”

Fun Fact: Ninja’s favorite song. Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.

“Many were strong, but not wise; while the others were wise, but not strong enough. To control this power you must be balanced in wisdom, courage and power. But most of all, they must be, pure.”

That’s right. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen, and the savior of Equestria, has a body count of 566. I feel so much better knowing that he is around.

Anyway, he believes that because they survived the traps, they are pure enough to entrust the power to. Even though it only took survival skills to survive the traps and even someone with an impure heart could have made it through the traps given enough skill, but whatever.

He begins chatting some magic words and gives them the power of the shadow warrior and transforms them into ninjas.

“Now.” He began. “Form a circle around me and join hooves, for your journey now begins.” The mares did as they were told. “Close your eyes and concentrate, I shall guide on your quest for knowledge and power.” As they girls closed their eyes, Ninja began chanting an ancient spell. “Older than time itself, earth has always known the calling, might of the light, the strength of the soul, ignite this eternal power inside of me! I am, Shinobi! I am pure of heart, mind, body and spirit, join with me now as I unite the spirits of the ancient past inside the souls of these future warriors, so that they may fight with the one true power of…THE SHADOW WARRIOR!”

“Your journey is complete, open your eyes and behold your new ninja powers!”

This sounds like something from Power Rangers.

Oh, my god! This is from Power Rangers!

What you just saw in the video is what you see in the story. The same ritual, same monologue, same ninja powers given to the main six!

This is especially humorous since at the beginning of this chapter, we get this author’s note.

Author's Note:

Some things are from DBZ.

You can’t even get the name of the show you are ripping off right.

So, the girls are blessed with ninja powers and are given the knowledge of martial arts, through a simple ritual, taking away the years of training and discipline it takes to become a true martial arts master. What a fucking load.

Anyway, with the magical powers of the ninja at their side, the main six travel back to Canderlot in the hopes of stopping Nightmare Moon.

We cut to Nightmare Moon, who is continuing to destroy the city of Ponyville with her monsters from Tartarus. However, she grows bored with Ponyville and decides to turn her attention to Canderlot. Why didn't you start with that?

However, the main six ninjas arrive and threaten Nightmare Moon with their new powers. Nightmare Moon isn’t impressed however and creates an army of monsters to attack… Wait. Let me see if I read this right. Hold on.

“Don’t worry; I brought some new friends of mine for you little foals.” At that moment, hundreds of her freaky concocted monsters swarmed up behind her.

concocted

concocted

Oh, you have got to be shitting me! In the first chapter of the story, she released the army of darkness from Tartarus! And now she’s creating her own army of monsters?! When the hell was that?! Consistency, please!

The main six battle the creatures and easily overpower them. When suddenly, Ninja arrives to help them in battle. Why the hell didn’t he just go with them? Ninja element of surprise and all that, but if he was just going to do this anyway, why didn’t he start by taking off Nightmare Moon’s head?!

It would have made this story end quicker, that’s why.

So, the monsters start to swarm our heroes and now begins the perfect moment to show case all of the ninja powers as quickly as possible. Rainbow Dash can apparently shoot a giant rainbow beam from her hooves!

Applejack can apparently grow weapons like swords and axes… from apple seeds? …

Pinkie Pie can create earthquakes by punching the ground. Rarity can shoot fire… out of her mouth?

Huh? Apparently, Rarity is a Kirin. That explains the SpikeXRarity shipping. I mean…you know… besides the show itself.

“What’s a Kirin?”

Fluttershy, while trying to save an innocent mouse who gets killed by one of the monsters, turns into a psychopath, who drinks the blood of her enemies and tears them apart mercilessly.

Jesus Christ!

I know Fluttershy would be upset about this, but this is extremely out of character for her!

And finally Twilight has the ability to make her enemies spontaneously combust.

The enemies start to flee when Nightmare Moon tells them to regroup.

“This is getting a little boring.” added Applejack

No, this has been boring for a while. It’s just even more so now.

Anyway, the students of Ninja appear and help turn the tide of battle, even though Twilight and her friends were clearly handing it themselves. Why do they need help?

Anyway, we cut back to Canderlot where Luna and Celestia are worried about Twilight and her friends. They receive a message that Nightmare Moon’s forces are being attacked by a group of ninjas. Feeling that Ninja is among them, Luna rushes out to see him.

The moon nodded to her niece and teleported out.

LUNA! HER NAME IS LUNA! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE THEM FANCY NAMES TO SAY WHO THEY ARE! I DON’T GO AROUND CALLING MYSELF ‘The most handsome, bravest, most awesome stallion in the world’

For the record, no one would call you that.

Wow, you are on one today.

You bring out the worst in me, sir.

Anyway, our heroes watch as Ninja wipes out the army of enemies controlled by Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon attacks the main six, but they prove too powerful for her to handle and force her to retreat.

However, before she can get far, Luna appears and threatens Nightmare Moon.

Luna wielded a blue axe while Nightmare Moon chose a black scythe.

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Wow, that was an awesome fight seen! Why, I feel like it’s on par with this fight scene!

Fucking Fall of the Empire’s got nothing on this fanfic!

After an ‘awesome’ fight scene (see what I did there, author), Luna gets pinned down and Nightmare Moon is about to unleash the killing blow. However, Ninja arrives to stop her from killing the mare he loves.

You know, something to note here. When the author starts writing about Ninja and what he does, he goes into detail with how badass he apparently is. However, when writing about Luna, all she gets is…

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Show, don’t tell!

Ugh! Is it almost over yet?

Ninja and Nightmare Moon battle each other for a brief moment, but Ninja proves superior to her in every way. Then Nightmare Moon merges the Alicorn Amulet into her body and transforms into a tentacle monster.

… Wait what?

Meanwhile, Twilight and the others battle the clones, who prove to be incredibly difficult. I would ask how they are difficult, but that would only make the story longer. Twilight sees Nightmare Moon’s transformation and decides that they should finish off the clones quickly in order to help out Ninja.

Okay, now here’s a great dilemma. Twilight and her friends are having a hard time overcoming the clones that Nightmare Moon created to escape and now Luna and Ninja are in peril and they need to save them. Let’s see how creative and brilliant they can get to figure this out.

The six mares once again tapped into their new powers, causing their necklaces to glow. The girls transferred a load of power to their hooves and struck each of the one of the clones so hard that they exploded into dust. Finally free of their troublesome opponents, the girls charged toward the vile beast.

That… was … LAME!

Twilight and the others arrived to save Ninja and Luna, but are unable to get close enough to attack Nightmare Moon.

“This is going nowhere.” thought Twilight as she continued to dodge the strikes.

Precisely, what I was thinking.

Twilight comes up with a plan to attack Nightmare Moon and unleashes a flurry of ‘punches’ at her.

“Owwwwww.” The black mutant began to tumble, as she struck the ground, she returned back to her original state;

Wait, did Nightmare Moon just say ‘ow’?

Huh? I wonder what other villains would sound like if they said ‘ow?”

“Owwwwww.”

You’re a meany head! I’m telling my mommy on you!

However, it seems that Nightmare Moon is still alive and well as she starts to rematerialize. Ninja tells the girls to use their most powerful attack to defeat her.

And what kind of awesome attack will they use?!

This is a troll-fic. That’s it. That’s the only explanation for this story to exist. It’s a troll fic. Between the overly lengthy traps, no effort being put into it, YouTube videos surrounding it, and the blatant rip-off of the most popular energy beam in all of fiction.

I dub this story, Troll-fic.

So after Broly gets obliterated by Goku, we see that the moon is finally able to free the sun and it begins to warm everything up.

They have a celebration where our heroes are honored, another YouTube video that we can’t see and we have Ninja confess his love for Luna.

Luna: You never call! You never write! And the only time I ever see you is in terrible stories like this!

Ninja: But, Luna-

Luna: Tia was right. I should have married that other stallion.

You’re damn right, you should have.

This story sucks. It’s not as bad as other stories I’ve read on the site, but man is it littered with problems.

The grammar and spelling is inconsistent. Sometimes you’ll have good both and the next minute you’ll be wondering if he even looked at it before posting it.

The plot is bizarre. While I’m not opposed to the characters becoming ninjas, it comes straight out of left field. I know the character’s name is Ninja, but how does that translate into the Main Six becoming ninjas?

The layout of the traps went on for way, way too long! It should have ended after the second or third one, but no. It just kept going and going and going.

The fight scenes were lame, the villain was inconsistent, being overly powerful in one scene and then could barely fight the heroes in the next. I have no problem with the hero getting stronger and thus the villain is less of a challenge for them, but at least make it interesting.

The sad thing is, the story had potential. It started out as a bad, but not terrible fic, with the characters actually being in character (for the most part. I still question Rarity and Fluttershy) and an interesting, but weird, set up. And then it turns into this boring and uninteresting story about traps that aren’t mentioned again and ultimately play no large part in the story.

Ninja is a bland, boring character. He’s not the worst OC I’ve seen, but that doesn’t make him good. His relationship with Luna is never gone into depth and we only see their chemistry for two scenes! And they barely even look at each other.

All and all, not a good fic. I would stray away from this one, as this is another example of interesting premise, poor execution. Have a good day, guys.