Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

There are a lot of stories that try to get you to feel something for the characters, usually by a tragedy befalling them. Usually this is used as a quick way to get the audience to feel something. Now, this can be done very well if executed with professionalism, tact, and gives us a deep bond with the characters.

However, there are very good examples of what can happen if you have no idea what you are doing. Just because something is supposed to be sad or make the audience feel something towards your character or another character, does not automatically make it successful. You still have to have a connection between the situation, the character and your audience.

And that’s what this story fails to do and it is called Goodbye... by Fluttershy217

And here’s the description of the story to give you an idea of what I’m in for today.

Pinkie Pie takes her own life, because she cannot take the pain of trying to smile each day.

Only Rainbow Dash has a chance at saving her will she make it in time?

… …

Oh, boy. We haven’t even gotten to the story itself and already I have no hope for this. First off, let’s look at the premise set up for this story. Pinkie Pie, one of the most optimistic, fun-loving, ball of happiness in fiction, is unhappy because is cannot take the pain of smiling each day.

If I remember correctly, Pinkie Pie LOVES SMILING! That is what her whole cutie mark is based off of! In the story of how Pinkie Pie gets her cutie mark, Pinkie Pie explains that her life on the rock farm was miserable because she didn’t know how to smile! However, after seeing the Sonic Rainboom, she decided that she wanted to always feel the joy that she felt that day and wanted others to feel it too! So, she’s depressed because she’s happy all the time?! What the fucking hell?! I understand that you need a range of emotions, but this is just stupid!

We are not even in the story yet and I’ll ready I’m swearing. This one is going to suck, everypony!

Also, the grammar leaves something to be desired. Something we will be getting into when we actually get to the story.

Like right now.

It was early morning celestia was just starting to raise the sun.

Yeah, the grammar in this story is pretty damn poor, even though we get an author’s note that looks like this.

Ok fixed the grammar mistakes but the story hasnt changed at all just the grammar

Friend, you haven’t even started on the grammar mistakes, but let’s just focus on the story.

Only one pony was awake it was the joyful party pony, Pinkie Pie but her mane was flat as if it were a popped balloon.

I can’t do a thing with my mane anymore! I’m going to need another Sonic Rainboom.

Have you tried Clear Scalp and Hair Beauty Therapy?!

She just finished sealing an envelope labeled 'Goodbye' and she left without a word.

Which is probably a good thing since she was the only one at the store at the time. If she had said some words while nopony was around, that would be kind of weird.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash arrives at Sugar Cube Corner to see if Pinkie Pie is around.

"Hey Mrs. Cake is Pinkie Pie here?" Asked Rainbow Dash.

Wait! Pinkie Pie… is Mrs. Cake?! But … how? That impossible! Unless… Pinkie Pie got trapped in a time warp when she was younger and lived in the past. Meeting up with Mr. Cake as a young stallion. As they got to know each other they fell in love and Pinkie Pie changed her appearance, mannerisms, identity, and everything about her to become his future wife, only to meet with herself in present day, causing a paradox which destroys all of existence as we know it!

… Or it could be just that bad grammar again? But I like my version better.

Mrs. Cake explains that she hasn’t seen Pinkie Pie.

"Well since your here can you go up there and check on her?"

Wait, why don’t you go and check up on her? There is no explanation as to why Mrs. Cake can’t go up and check on Pinkie Pie or shout her name to say that Rainbow Dash is here. It’s not like she’s taking care of the twins or anything.

"Sure thing" and with that Rainbow Dashed up the stairs (no pun intended).

… Seriously? That’s where our humor comes from? Ugh… Look, I like puns as much as the next pony, but if you aren’t going to use a pun, you don’t need to tell us it’s a pun in the story! Unless, there is a character that says that, there is no reason to add it in a story!

Furthermore, you capitalized ‘Dashed’! Why?! That would imply that there is a pun intended, since it is playing off her name by describing the action she is taking!

Rainbow noticed the envelope Pinkie's bed "Hey what's this" Dash said thinking out loud she opened the envelope and read it.

Dear, Rainbow Dash,

My pencil is not working.

Sincerely, Pinkie Pie.

Wait, how did she write that then?

I have left and I’m not coming back I’m sorry especially to you Rainbow Dash that I cancelled our plans again for pulling pranks on Ponyville I’m heading out to Ghastly Gorge and I’m going to jump so I will no longer have to fake a smile don’t feel bad girls even if you had known I was sad you couldn’t have helped. I’ve lost friends each party I throw is to bury the sadness so at noon it will be goodbye cruel world friends and all

    Your friend,

                      Pinkie Pie

The nerve of Pinkie Pie! Canceling pulling pranks on Rainbow Dash just because she’s depressed and is suicidal! She canceled pulling pranks on Ponyville with Rainbow Dash, just because she was unhappy! The fucking nerve of Pinkie Pie!

Pinkie… I didn’t mean it… Really, I didn’t. You know I don’t think you’re like that. It’s this story! It’s the one making you look bad.

There it is! All better now.

Except for the fact that I’m reading this story.

Yeah, this letter is pretty stupid. Forget the bad grammar, when the hell has it ever been suggested that Pinkie Pie is depressed because of the parties she throws?! In Mystery Magical Cure, it was heavily suggested that the town of Ponyville would probably fall apart without Pinkie Pie! The cheer she spreads is highly contagious and that the city of Ponyville is heavily appreciative of Pinkie Pie’s ability to spread joy and laughter to others! There is a fucking reason why she is called the Element of Laughter!

And this story is suggesting that the town is unappreciative of everything she does? For fuck’s sake, Pinkie Pie was able to bring joy to a pony (okay, it was donkey, but the idea stands) who was refused her friendship. That is how Pinkie Pie feels alive, when she is spreading joy and happiness to others! She confesses it in her song!

Now, this story could have worked if there was a legitimate reason of why Pinkie Pie was depressed. But there is no explanation as to why she is upset and why she feels the way she does. It’s just out of character and doesn’t make for good story telling.

And yes, this story was written after Mystery Magical Cure aired, so this story has no excuse.

Anyway, back to the story. Rainbow Dash flies off to Ghastly Gorge in the hopes of stopping Pinkie Pie from killing herself for vaguely explained and stupid reasons.

Pinkie Pie is sitting as Ghastly Gorge waiting to jump. Isn’t it odd how she has an exact time she has to die? What do they have a long line in heaven?

It says if you get to Pony Heaven at noon, you get a free cookie!

Sitting at the edge of Ghastly Gorge sat Pinkie Pie looking up at the sky and when the sun reached its peak she slid off the edge of the gorge to the rocks below and as she fell Pinkie saw a Rainbow charging straight down and said "Goodbye Rainbow Dash" and then she saw the sonic rainboom that which filled her with joy so long ago brought only deep sadness now.

God, I feel like I’m being told a story by someone who can’t resist putting the word ‘and’ in random places throughout it. And to be honest, it’s pretty fucking distracting. How would you like it if I told a story like this?

And the Critique jumped up in the air and dodged the missile. And the supervillain said, “Curses!” and the Critique said, “Ha! I am so awesome!” And the computer said, “Oh, Critique, you are so hot! I want you inside me.” And the Critique said, “Of course you do. Everypony does.”

Pretty fucking distracting, huh?

I think they are more distracted by what you just wrote. I have never said you were ‘hot’?

Well, you should.

On top of that, it doesn’t even make sense. She mentions that the Sonic Rainboom doesn’t bring her joy anymore, but there isn’t much of an explanation. It’s as if the writer already expects us to know the information that you have. And yes, I understand that the audience isn’t stupid. The audience is smart. They can figure things out. But when you leave stuff out that’s a little important, we get the impression that you have no idea what you are doing or are too lazy to come up with an explanation.

So Rainbow Dash dives after her, but isn’t able to stop Pinkie Pie from hitting the ground. And this would be a great time to have some emotional outburst from Rainbow Dash, going through all the little emotions that she would go through and…

That night was the Funeral everyone but Rainbow Dash was there.

… Wait what?

So, are you just not going to have Rainbow Dash react to her best friend dying in front of her? I would think that would cause some kind of reaction. Well, okay, the story says she cries, but that’s it. That’s the most emotional investment Rainbow Dash gives us to Pinkie Pie dying.

Wouldn’t after three seasons of being best pals, you would kind of develop a much stronger bond with another person and as such it would hit your harder, causing your emotions to overwhelm you in some way? The problem is, it’s not in this story. Pinkie Pie dies, Rainbow Dash cries, next scene.

The pacing on this is so unbelievable bad, you don’t get to enjoy or even invest anything into a scene. You don’t get to spend time with Pinkie Pie, relating to her problem and find out why she is upset. You don’t get to see Rainbow Dash mourning Pinkie Pie, with you learning about why she meant so much to her.

“But Critique, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were obviously best friends in the show. So you know how much they mean to each other.”

Yes, but, what does Rainbow Dash mean to Pinkie Pie right now? I don’t know, because the story doesn’t tell me. If I wasn’t a fan of the show and started reading this story, I wouldn’t see connection. … Granted I would probably not be reading it, but that’s not good writing.

Yes, a character dying is sad. It is. But what makes Rainbow Dash’s pain different from everypony else’s? What makes her hurt so much more than us? You have to explain it to us. You have to show us why Rainbow Dash is an emotional wreak after Pinkie Pie’s death. If you just say, ‘she cried’,  you don’t get invested because you don’t feel how close they were.

Anyone could have just cried. How does Rainbow Dash differ from everypony else?

So, Fluttershy goes to Rainbow Dash’s house and asks why she wasn’t at the funeral. Rainbow Dash responses that she wants to be alone. Fluttershy agrees, but not before leaving Rainbow Dash with a small remembrance by Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow Dash, rather than reflecting on anything and giving a lot of thought to the memories she had with Pinkie, decides to go to the grave as quickly as Fluttershy walked out the door.

See what I mean by bad pacing?

So, Rainbow Dash says her goodbyes and then hears Pinkie Pie’s voice… Wait what?

Then Rainbow Dash heard a voice, the voice was Pinkie Pie's it told Rainbow Dash "It's Okay Dashie take your time and when you’re ready say goodbye but until then smile and spread some joy make others laugh because when you smile the world smiles back at you"

Wait, so Pinkie Pie is now a ghost? Or is Rainbow Dash just going crazy?

So, Rainbow Dash throws a farewell party and everypony has a good time and our story ends with Rainbow Dash saying her final good bye to Pinkie Pie. And I swear to god, the paragraph I am writing now is longer than the one used to finish this story. Which is really fucking sad.

This fanfic is terrible. It’s poorly paced, the plot is stupid, the grammar is abysmal, the characters hardly resemble their counterparts and the explanation for Pinkie Pie’s depression is weak.

This story had potential, but it was wasted in this incredibly rushed story. It was as if the author wanted to write this in one day, and it shows. The plot is quickly thrown together, in a vain attempt to make you feel something for the characters.  It is so quickly thrown together, that the author did not even consider the character’s motivation.

It would have been interesting to see exactly why Pinkie Pie was upset. It would have been interesting to see Rainbow Dash’s reaction, but again, we are never given that.

Pinkie Pie is extremely out of character here. Like I said, Pinkie Pie is an incredibly optimistic character. It really takes a lot to bring her down and cause her to be depressed. The only time I have seen her depressed (not including season 4 for those of us who haven’t seen it) is during the episode Party of One, where Pinkie was depressed because she believed her best friends didn’t like her anymore. Because she believed that her friends didn’t enjoy the one thing that made her happy.

So it is incredibly hard to believe that she was depressed because she was happy.

This story tried to make us feel something for a character’s misfortunate and make our feels hurt, but all it did was make my brain hurt at how head-scratchingly bad it was.

Have a great day, guys.

***

Starla glanced up at the stars as the Grand Ruler raised the moon above the world. She wondered about her love, Lightning Dawn. He was trapped in Equestria, all thanks to their new enemy. Krysta hadn’t slept in days. She was worried about what Equestria was doing to him.

Starla would explain to Krysta that Lightning was strong and that he could take whatever the Equestrians could dish out. However, she wasn’t sure if she could convince Krysta or herself. Her nights were filled with seeing him in irrefutable pain. The nights would cause her to leap from her bed, tears soaking her cheeks.

She looked at the stars, hoping for a sign of his release, but the stars refused to reveal his fate. She wondered if it was because he was no longer in Unicornicopia. She lowered her head, sighing in defeat.

The door creaked open behind her. “What’s a pretty mare like you doing all alone on a night like this?”

She turned to see a dark blue Pegasus with a smirk on his face. She frowned and turned away. “What do you want, Thunder Ice?”

He smiled as he trotted into the room. “Is that anyway to talk to somepony who has been so nice to you?”

Starla shook her head. “We both know why you’ve been nice.”

He chuckled. “Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

She turned fiercely at him, glaring into his eyes. “If the Grand Ruler found out what we have done, he would kill us both!”

Thunder shook his head. “Relax. He’s not going to find out.”

Starla turned back towards the window and looked up to the sky. “You know that I am promised to Lightning. Nothing can change that.” She turned towards him. “And I must be happy with that.”

Thunder rolled his eyes as he made his way next to her. “Trust me; I’m not trying to take you away from him. You can marry him all you want.” He placed his hoof on her face. “But if he doesn’t give you what you want-“

She swatted his hoof away from her face and growled at him. “This isn’t a game!”

Thunder took a step back. “Geez, what’s gotten into you?”

Starla looked out the window and lowered her head. “You’re going to face him, aren’t you?”

Thunder scoffed. “You’re damn right I am.”

Silence filled the room for several moments, as if Starla was afraid to reveal the truth to him. She didn’t know what was the point. Nothing would stop him from facing their new enemy.

Thunder smiled. “What’s with the silence, beautiful?”

Starla closed her eyes. “You’re going to lose.”

Thunder’s eyes widened as his jaw dropped. “What?!”

Starla turned towards him. “You’ll lose to him. He will defeat you.”

Thunder raised his eyebrow. “Why? Because the stars tell you?!”

Starla bit her lip and took a step backwards. “Yes.”

Thunder shook his head and started to laugh. He slowly trotted towards her, his body flickering with electricity. “Listen closely, lover.” He took a step forward, lightning shooting from all parts of his body, nearly hitting Starla as she cowered backwards. “I was brought back to life by God when I committed suicide.” His eyes turned white as electricity sparked from them. “I’m not afraid of this little pony and I don’t care what your ‘stars’ say.”

Thunder turned away from her and trotted out of the room, leaving the smell of burning cloth around the room and the echo of his voice repeating itself in her mind.