He sat in his favorite spot on the floor, reading the next story for his review. His mind boggled at the sheer terror of the story he was reading. The piss poor characters and the terrible pacing seemed to make this story longer than most he’d read. He started praying for something to take him from this story and distract him long enough to keep his sanity.

Suddenly, as if some golden god had heard his silent prayer, a knock came at the door. Who the hell could that be? He picked himself off the ground and made his way to the front door. He stepped to the side of the door, hiding behind it as he opened it. The last time he opened the door for a stranger, he got socked in the snout by an anthropomorphic freak. He wasn’t about to let that happen again.

He slowly opened the door, staying as close to the door as he could, keeping his face hidden. He waited until a single stallion trotted into the room. The stallion glanced around him as if looking for something. “Um… hello?”

Critique tackled the stallion to the floor. The brown package the stallion had been carrying flew across the floor. Critique pinned the stallion to the floor. “Who are you?!” he shouted. “What are you doing in my house?!”

“Sir,” Computer replied. “He is a delivery pony! He is just bringing a package!”

The stallion, his eyes widened and sweat coming from his face, nodded, shaking his head up and down several times. “Please listen to the strange voice coming from the walls.”

Critique glared at the stallion on the ground, examining his uniform. It certainly looked like a delivery pony. He looked at his face again, the stallion was shaking as he tilted his head back, as if he was trying to get away from him.

Critique moved away from him. “Alright.” Then he pointed to him. “But don’t think I’m not watching you!”

The stallion reached for his saddlebag, pulling out a paper and pen. “I-I just need you to sign this.”

Critique ripped the paper from the stallion’s grip and examined it. It was a simple shipping paper, containing an agreement for him to claim the package. Critique stole the pen from the stallion and quickly signed his name.

He held out the pen and paper when he finished. The stallion snatched them from him and darted for the doorway. As the stallion disappeared from sight, the Critique closed the door to his house. “I wonder what the hell his problem was?”

“Sir, you attacked him,” Computer responded.

The Critique made his way to the brown package on the floor and looked up. “He was trespassing!”

“You opened the door for him!” The Critique figured if Computer had eyes, they would be glaring at him.

“Details.” He looked at the shipping label to and read it carefully, curious as to who would send him a package. The label stated that it came from Canterlot. He began tearing off the tape to the package, allowing him to open it. His mouth dropped as he revealed what was inside. “Oh, yes!”

He pulled out the shotgun from its confines and smiled. “Oh, baby! This is a beauty!” He closely examined it. “I could do some major damage with this bad boy!” Suddenly, Computer’s robotic arm emerged from the wall and stole the shotgun from Critique. The Critique’s mouth dropped as he watched Computer pulled the shotgun into the wall. “Hey, give that back!”

“I am sorry, sir, but I do not trust you with a weapon like this.”

Critique narrowed his brow, insulted by the Computer’s comment. “What the hell?! I’m perfectly trustworthy!”

Computer would have surely rolled her eyes, if she had any. “Princess Celestia does not trust you with a dangerous weapon and rightfully so. That is why this has taken so long.”

Critique tilted his head and raised his eyebrow. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“For the past three weeks, I have been in contact with Princess Celestia. I have been trying to convince her to allow you the use of a firearm.” Critique shook his head and painted a look of disbelief on his face. “She was incredibly reluctant, due to your impulsiveness. However, I did finally manage to convince her, so long as you promised to use it responsibly.”

Critique scoffed. “I would use it responsibly!”

“So you would not use it on the neighbor’s dogs that constantly keep you up at night?”

Critique was silent for a moment. He glanced to the left and then to his right, as if he was looking for somepony to answer the question. “To be fair, I’d be doing this part of the city a public service.”

“Sure you would, sir.”

Critique threw his hooves in the air and shouted at the ceiling. “Oh, come on! They’re annoying as shit!”

“No. I promised Princess Celestia you would not abuse this weapon. You are going to keep my word, even if I must force it on you.”

Critique grumbled under his breath, calling Computer despicable names he could come up with. He slunk back to his spot on the ground, turning his attention back to his book. Maybe tearing this story apart will make me feel better.

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Ah, human in Equestria stories. What is it about these stories that make them so popular? Or rather unpopular? See, we get a ton of these kinds of stories. Most of them are terrible. However, there are a few that are quite good, with the human character being relatable, but still able to treat the canon with respect while still giving us a good story.

A story that not only doesn’t need to involve a romance with a pony character, but it shows both the good and bad sides of Equestria, without shoving either one down our throats as well as the human side of things, showing that the human world isn’t as bad as it would seem to be.

This story is not one of them, but every Human in Equestria cliché a writer can come up with. So, let’s see how ‘original’ this story can be. This is Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures by Cam187

So, we get our start of the story in first person. Oh, boy. An amateur writer writing in first person. You know this is going to suck.

Now, I’m not saying that nobody should ever write in first person or that a story should never be in first person. That’s stupid. There are some very good stories that follow that format. Hell, even a second person view can be interesting if done correctly.

However, a first person view can be very difficult to do. Which is why is easier for a young writer to start with third person. First person requires that only the person telling the story knows anything, and you can only sum up the reactions of the person telling the story.

Second person is similar in many ways, but differently. It is not often used, but it can still be used in a good story. Examples being, Choose your own adventure stories or roleplaying stories. But again, it is hard to do.

Third person view is by far the easiest for new writers, as you are an omnipresent force that sees all and hears all. You know everything going on and are able to tell the story with all the knowledge and without worrying about what a single character knows. (though there are rules that can limit a third person perspective, but I won’t get into that)

The point is, if you are a new writer and don’t have a lot of experience, a first person narrative is not a good starting point. I know there are some writers who can pull it off, but you can’t just assume you are one of them!

Anyway, we are introduced to Cameron (his name isn’t actually revealed, but we all know his name from the title) coming home from school, proclaiming that it sucked.

Yes, because our educational system is flawed. Teachers need to be paid better!

Actually, he starts complaining because he is getting bullied at school. Just like most bronies, but we’ll get into that.

As a 13-Year-Old, it's pretty tough getting bullied at school. Especially in middle school.

And what kind of bullying did our esteemed hero have to go through? What kind of torment did our bullies put him through? What troubles and perils did he face on a day to day basis?

Yeah, I have no idea… The story doesn’t make it clear what happened or what he is being bullied for. There is no explanation as to why this kid gets bullied or even what his tormentors do to him. So, we can’t connect to this character, because there is nothing solid for us to believe other than “I’m the writer and you better believe what I tell you.”

No. And I certainly won’t until you give me some solid evidence!

Anyway, we see how much of an emo Cameron is when he whines about how his life is soooo terrible!

"I'm so freakin' tired of people bullying me," I said to myself. "Why me? Why do I have glasses? Why am I the attention-grabber? Why am I such an easy target?" I almost shouted in frustration.

Hey, don’t dis the specs! Mares dig the specs!

Trust him. He’s the doctor.

So, anyway Cameron decides to go to bed and that’s the end of the prologue. And it’s not even 400 words long. Yeah, I’ve seen grocery lists that had more words on them then this prologue.

And we get a nice author’s note.

Author's Note:

This is my first FiM story, so PLEASE don't judge me.

Unwritten law of art: You reveal it, you open it to criticism. And guess what my name means?

We start Chapter 2 with our first human in Equestria cliché. A dream sequence gives us the transition to Equestria. And let’s play the Human in Equestria Drinking Game. Every time you see a cliché of these types of stories, take a shot!

He wakes up and finds out he’s not in Kansas anymore. (So honestly, who doesn’t know where the reference comes from? I promise I won’t make fun of you. Too much). He takes a look around and sees plants and animals that aren’t familiar to him. He doesn’t bother to explain what they look like as he doesn’t care what they look like. He then spots a group of mysterious creatures that chase after him. He attempts to escape but gets caught by the wolf-like creatures.

Character being attacked by Timberwolves or other creature in the forest of Everfree. Though we only wish the creatures would kill them and shorten the story.

Oh, that makes this shit storm more bearable.

However, he is rescued by a mysterious Pegasus before he passes out. He wakes up in a tent… which makes no sense as we will see… as he looks around and see our main heroes.

Cameron takes seeing six multi-colored talking ponies and a talking zebra extremely well.

Character just accepts that there are multi-colored talking ponies and talking zebras with no build up or otherwise.

And then… oh god… Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

Sir, are you alright?

I’m good. … I’m good. I can handle a little alcohol.

"Even though we don't know who you are, you seem to have a very big heart." She spoke, in a rhyme.

Spoke in a rhyme? You mean ‘are’ and ‘heart’? No. Just no. Jesus, you are making the Zecora from Enter the Ninja look like a more realistic. And that’s no small feat believe me.

And another thing, how the hell do they know he has a big heart or that he is even kind or generous or helpful or nonthreatening to anyone else? They just met him! They know nothing about him! They don’t know anything about him, other than that he was being chased by Timberwolves. Does being chased by Timberwolves automatically make him a good person?!

Do bad guys have the power to just control all the evil monsters in the world or something? Because that is incredibly stupid!

Main characters trust this character even though he/she has given absolutely no reason to do so.

… Is the room spinning or is that just me?

So the characters, who, once again, completely trust this stranger who has just appeared and they know absolutely nothing about, befriend him and ask what his name is while introducing themselves.

"Howdy, Cameron." She said to me.

"Hi AJ."

… Wait a minute, why the hell would you call her AJ? You don’t know anything about these characters. You don’t know anything about their nicknames! You have never seen these characters before in your life, so how did you come up with that nickname so fast? I know that’s what many fans called her, but if you are a fan of the show, why did you need them to introduce themselves?

Twilight looked at me. "Okay. I'll take you to Princess Celestia. She can help us."

I got up. "Okay, Twi. Lead the way."

So, I guess that, this person is so ‘obviously’ trustworthy that Twilight agrees to take him to Celestia instead of figuring out the problem herself. Because hey, why should Twilight try to figure out what he is and how he got here, when you can just send him to Celestia and hope he isn’t a plot from some villain to assassinate Celestia?

That makes perfect sense!

We then get probably the funniest author’s note I’ve ever seen in my life. It is to best of all time. I mean it guys. This is the best author’s note I’ve ever seen! And I’m not just saying that because I’m tipsy.

Author's Note:

Chapter 2 is up!

So, they get Cameron to Celestia’s castle and apparently, everypony is okay with a strange creature waltzing around with no explanation, but hey, I’m too tipsy to care.

Celestia starts to talk to Cameron and asks Twilight Sparkle to leave.

"Twilight, my faithful student, can you leave us for a moment?"

Bow-chicka-bow-wow!  Ha, ha… that’s the alcohol talking.

Twilight, oddly enough, agrees to just being tossed aside by Princess Celestia for this random stranger who has done nothing, said nothing and pretty much will amount to nothing. Anyway, Cameron starts to explain that he simply appeared in Equestria and has no idea where he is. Wait, the main 6 didn’t explain it to him while he was on his way to Canterlot?

"Well, Cameron, my faithful student…I think you already know her."

"Was it Twilight Sparkle?"

"Yes, thanks for correcting me.

Wait, what?! I’m drunk! I didn’t catch that the first time! *hic*

"Well, Cameron, my faithful student…I think you already know her."

"Was it Twilight Sparkle?"

"Yes, thanks for correcting me.

What the hell?! Are you saying that Princess Celestia can’t remember what her student’s name is? You mean the student who she has been teaching ever since she got her cutie mark?! Are you serious?! I’m drunk and this makes no f-f-fucking sense! Geez, what did Twilight do to piss her off?

So, Celestia explains that Twilight was working on a new spell that accidently brought Cameron to Equestria. Cameron asks about Celestia’s power over the sun after looking at her cutie mark.

Heh, he’s looking at Celestia’s ass… Though to be fair, Celestia’s got a sweet ass…

Oh, yeah… shake, baby.

That’s the alcohol talking! That’s not me!

However, Celestia explains that she has the power to raise the sun every morning and that her sister has the power to raise the moon.

I thought about that moon "hings" I saw earlier. "Wait…you mean the blue one?"

Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. Every time he is supposed to say ‘horn’ or ‘wings’ on one of the ponies, he calls them ‘hinges’. Why? What is even the point of that? Why not just say horn or wings? Why do you have to add hinges?! I know it’s in first person, but is that really the best you could come up with? Hell, limbs would have been a more accurate term!

So, anyway, Celestia explains that it may take months for them to find a way to get Cameron home and that the main 6 would be happy to help him settle into Ponyville. Why? Because he’s just so nice with the… half a day you’ve gotten to know him… And what do we really know about Cameron? What tells us what kind of person he is?

Well, he doesn’t like to be eaten by Timberwolves… Okay… He doesn’t like being dragged into other dimensions unexpectedly… Whatever… Oh! I know, he likes to sleep! I think we’ve got a well-rounded character here, all five of him, wouldn’t you agree?

Another great author’s note here, because I like making fun of them.

Author's Note:

Here's the third chapter! I hope you enjoy it!

Yeah… I’m not… at all. Also, back to your question of why you are such an easy target, you’re pacing is atrocious! Good God, this chapter was only 400 words long?! You could have easily stretched this sucker out to at least 4000 words, if not more. You could have gone into depth of what Cameron is seeing, feeling, thinking. Since this is his first introduction to the series of MLP, he should be having a very different reaction to what we are seeing.

Is popping into other dimensions with talking animals normal for him? Does he travel to a lot of Disney cartoons, like Bambi?

So, we get to chapter 4, which, unlike all the other chapters, doesn’t have a title to it. Why? I don’t know. You would think that if you were going to start with one thing, you would be able to finish up with it.

Apparently, a FEW WEEKS PASS! What the hell?! And apparently, in that time he is able to get to know the characters better as well as the characters learning more about him. How? There is nothing in this story that shows us how he is interacting with the characters! He never talks to them, never shares a conversation with them, he doesn’t even show us what he has done for the past few weeks! He tells us about it, but this is a story! Show us something!

So, after him sitting in Twilight’s house for a few weeks, I don’t know if that’s what actually happened but given the level of nonsense this story goes to, it wouldn’t surprise me, he decides to go outside and explore Ponyville for the first time.

Wait, you’ve been here for weeks and they haven’t even let you explore Ponyville. God, maybe you did lock yourself in Twilight’s basement and here I thought that was the alcohol talking.

So, she runs into three little fillies and greets them. The girls introduce themselves as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"You have your OWN club? Cool!" I cheerfully exclaimed to the three fillies. "I wish I was in the club…"

Oh, I’m sure you do, you sick, disgusting, piece of-

Sir, he’s only 13.

… Okay, I’ll let it slide this time, but I’ve got my eye on you.

So, Cameron asks what cutie marks are and Apple Bloom responds…

"On our flanks are cutie marks. They are basically the talents of the ponies."

Just so you know, Cameron, I’ve got the police on stand-by. You make a move that I don’t like, your ass is mine!

Anyway, the Cutie Mark Crusaders take off, probably to be a part of much better stories, and another filly comes into the picture. Babs Seed.

That seems kind of random. Why wasn’t she with Cutie Mark Crusaders?  Why the hell is she in this story? What the hell makes her so invaluable to the plot that she just happens to appear out of nowhere? Because as we will see, she is useless to the overall plot of the story!

Babs Seed asks if Cameron happens to have a crush on anypony. … Why the hell would you ask a complete stranger that question? That’s pretty personal, isn’t it? But of course, Cameron is completely trustworthy by his complete… blandness… and tells Babs that he has a crush on Fluttershy.

Yes, that is completely justifiable. You two have great chemistry in the … what? … Three or four sentences you two shared together. Yeah, that’s really believable, because you know, love works like that! Barely a conversation in and you know it is meant to be.

Forced romantic interest! That’s a cliché in every human in Equestria story! Drink up!

And… t-then we… because t-that’s how love works… because of… Shit… what the f-f-fuck am I drinking?

Anyway, Babs runs off and we see Diamond Tiara bullying Apple Bloom.

I walked to her, and that's when I saw Diamond Tiara. God, I hate her!

Hate her? You don’t even fucking know her! How could you claim to hate a character you don’t even know anything about?! The problem with this story is it keeps switching between past tense and present tense! Another reason why first person is usually not a good idea for an amateur writer, because then you get results like this! He tells us that he’s going to be walking through Ponyville ‘today’, but he then reacts as if he’s seen Diamond Tiara before even though he’s never mentioned her until ‘today’!

And another thing, why does Diamond Tiara always get portrayed as a bully with no redeemable qualities whatsoever? She’s a fucking little kid, guys! She’s not Sombra who oppressed an entire nation, she’s a little kid! She’s a brat and gets her just desserts, but my god, there is no justification in this story!

"HEY!" I yelled at her. "LEAVE HER ALONE!"

Oh, sh-shiz juz got realz-z-z!

So, Cameron chases off Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom thanks him. He then says that he wants to find Fluttershy to talk to her. Most likely so they can ‘build on’ the relationship they so well established!

And another author’s note because… let’s face it; they get funnier with each chapter.

Author's Note:

Chapter 4! Finally, a chapter mentioning the CMC, and Babs Seed!

That’s right. Babs Seed and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are in all of one chapter. Why? All to establish that Cameron has a crush on Fluttershy! Could this have been done another way? Gee, let’s think about that. Maybe actually showing him interacting with Fluttershy instead of telling us that ‘she was nice to him’. Big freaking woop! What does nice mean? Did she say ‘Hi’ to him when he was walking down the street and that’s what he considers ‘nice’?

“Well, everyone who watches the show knows she’s nice!”

Not the freaking point! The point is I shouldn’t have to be told Fluttershy is nice. If this is my first introduction to the character, I wouldn’t believe she was nice, because there is no evidence of that any pony would consider her nice!

In chapter 5, we get this wonderful image planted into my mind.

WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of sexual intercourse. If this offends you, don't read.

Oh, we are so screwed…

So Fluttershy and Cama… Camelle? … I can’t remember his name at the moment… So, I’m gonna call him Human-guy. Human-guy and Fluttershy start talking until sunset (I use the term talking lightly since we never see what their conversation is about.)

He then invites her to his house (How the hell do you have a house? Did you build it out of rocks just like Thunder-Ice or something? Does it have a holographic projection room too?!) and promises to tell her everything about Earth.

"S-So…how's it like in…Earth?" She asked me.

"Well…" I began. I couldn't really describe it. "…it's pretty much the same here, but with humans. I mean, I did get beat up often."

Yeah, we have our farm animals talk to us.  They tell us about their feelings and stuff like that! Oh, and the weather, we run everything in our weather factories! And since the animals can’t take care of themselves, we provide food and shelter and everything they need! And our president raises the sun and moon every day and every night. The human world is basically like Equestria!

… I’m starting to think the author was as drunk as I am when he wrote this.

Also, great job describing Earth, pal! You describe it about as well as you describe your story. Horrible!

"C-Cameron…" She looked into my eyes. "…I-I like you, too." She then pulled me close and kissed me. I slowly closed my eyes and kissed back. We pulled away. She gently placed her hoof on my cheek.

"I love you, Cameron…" She said to me, her cheeks as red as roses.

2 conversations! 2 conversations and they are so desperately in love that they know they are meant for each other! I think that’s how it works, right?! Who needs character progression and the ups and downs of a relationship and character building and all that other bullshit that is needed when interacting with another, when you can just say “Fuck it! We’re in love! No reason needed!”

It surely would have worked on Casablanca, right?

So, then… I think… they have sex… I don’t know it’s not described very well and it’s incredibly brief. Like I’m not even kidding on this… 160 words. 160 words?! That’s all you could do with an incredibly physical and emotional scene like this! My god, I’ve read first grade English papers that put more effort into it! Really? 160 words is all that you can come up with!

They aren’t even good words that fill the sensations. He just says that …

She slowly got on top of me and slid myself in her 'love tunnel'.

On top of that, he’s only 13 years old! I know that there are some countries the age of consent is varied, but my god, 13 years of age and he’s having sex! I’m not sure what nationality he’s from because it’s never revealed, but I’m pretty sure (I’m, again, assuming based of his name) that he’s American.

Plus, he’s having sex with a pony! I know you’re both mammals, but my god, there’s got to be something about human and equine biology that makes that impossible! (Again, not an expert here).

Oh by the way, human in Equestria cliché, having sex with one of the main cast.

And then… Oh, god…

And then, we get to chapter 6 where Fluttershy and Human-guy go into Ponyville after the night of sex. They are then attacked by Nightmare Moon.

Luna, are you using the false teeth again?

Damn Luna, that’s fucking awesome… Have I told you you’re my favorite princess?

So, Human-guy decides to stand up to Nightmare Moon and challenge her. He threatens her to disappear or he will make her.

Nightmare Moon refuses … and then disappears shortly after.

Huh? You should probably try the fangs again, Luna. You were more intimidating that way.

Anyway, Celestia approaches Human-guy and asks that he be their only hope at stopping Nightmare Moon… Holy shit! That makes perfect sense!

I mean, I know why Celestia can’t go to Twilight and her friends, who have faced Nightmare Moon before! I know why Celestia can’t gather up the Elements of Harmony to banish the evil within Nightmare Moon! I get it! It all makes perfect sense now! I finally figured out what the author was trying to tell us!  The answer is…

Thank you, Pinkie Pie… *hic*

Now we can move on knowing the truth in our hearts…

Anyway, Human-guy is afraid to go challenge Nightmare Moon, even though he just stood up to her, but hey, we have to have some forced drama in this story. It’s about the only thing that hasn’t been completely forced yet. Celestia explains that he won’t be going alone and the others will join him to find the Elements of Harmony.

Wait, doesn’t Celestia keep them in a safe… oh, fuck it. I’m too drunk to care.

Before we know it, we were off.

I know, right? It’s literally the next sentence.

So, they start to head to Canterlot and Shining Armor’s castle? Wait, I didn’t know Shining Armor had his own castle. When the fuck did he get that?! If that’s the case, maybe Cadence didn’t marry him for love. But she can marry me for love, any time…

What can I say? You’re my favorite princess… *hic*

So, I guess they start to travel there by hoof, which brings up the question, why are they not riding a train or something? It would probably get them there faster! What? Did Nightmare Moon rig all the train stations or something?

Anyway, because they are traveling through the forest, they are attacked by Timberwolves. Seriously, there are other creatures in Equestria that can kill you. Why are you sticking with Timberwolves? Did they kill your parents or something?!

After her parents’ death at the claws of the Timberwolf when she was a child, Trixie vowed to avenge them! She trained in all magical ways to become the very thing that Timberwolves feared the most. The Chainsaw! Fear itself! I am the lumber mare!

Anyway, they fight off the Timberwolves, in one incredibly boring fight scene, but one of the Timberwolves bite into Human-guy’s neck.

He’s dead… He’s totally dead. Totally dead. No way he’s recovering from that. He’s totally dead. No way he’s going to recover from…

When my vision came back in, I was in a room that had a bed in it, which I was on. I slowly got up, looking around the room. There was nothing except windows.

Yeah. Of course. Because a Timberwolf, biting into your neck, with you bleeding all over your body, would totally not kill you.

I mean, look at that thing…

Fucking wuss.

Anyway, he wakes up in Canterlot and meets with Shining Armor.

"Twilight told me all about you. Tough past?"

… I would make a speech about how he hasn’t once mentioned anything about his past, but… I just want to make it through this story with enough alcohol in my system to make me forget it all.

So, they say that Human-guy is the chosen one and how only he can save Equestria and blah, blah, blah, let’s just take another shot for ponies can’t do anything and are incompetent making this character necessary to them.

Anyway, they leave Shining Armor’s castle without any of the Elements of Harmony, making me wonder what the fucking point of going there was to begin with. And where the fuck was Cadence? Was she just not good enough to be in this story?

She’s good enough to be in… *hic* … any day of the week…

So, I know a lot of you are probably asking, “Wait, isn’t Shining Armor supposed to be in the Crystal Empire?”

And you’re completely right. However, it is possible that the author of this story could have not seen the two part-er about the Crystal Empire.

But, it’s unlikely because we introduced Babs Seed, 3 chapters ago! So it makes even less sense of why they didn’t arrive at the Crystal Empire!

Okay, let’s just say for the sake of argument, they did end of in the Crystal Empire and the author was just too lazy to say so.

Why the hell, then, were the main six traveling by foot?! Why don’t they take the train?! Do they not allow Human-guy on the train?! And last I checked the Crystal Empire; there wasn’t exactly a forest near them!

So they finally arrive at Nightmare Moon’s castle, which they somehow know it is Nightmare Moon’s castle, because of the spooky surroundings. Or it could be somepony who is really into the gothic look, but I doubt our author is that clever.

Then there were ponies behind us that had...ant-like jaws...oh great...now this! Ant ponies, oh boy!

"Changelings!" Shining Armor shouted.

Wait, so Changelings are similar to ants?

Where the hell did you get that conclusion?

So, Shining Armor and his men hold off the changelings (which still makes no sense how Nightmare Moon hired them or anything) and our ‘heroes’ are able to infiltrate Nightmare Moon’s castle.

They get into the castle, but find that it is too dark to see. But fortunately, in the one pair of pants that Human-guy brought (that I assume he hasn’t changed out of sine there is no mention of other clothes going with him or clothes being made for him) and just happens to pull out a flashlight.

Wow! That is a lot to swallow, story! That is a lot to swallow! Do you just carry around flashlights in your pocket right before you go to bed? And you just happened to keep it in your pocket for several weeks?!

You know what… fuck this story… I don’t care… Let’s just finish it…

So they approach Nightmare Moon, but Nightmare Moon has prepared for them.

Then we noticed the floor glowing around us. "Let's see if you survive the Distorted Dimension!" She laughed very loudly, as the floor beneath our feet opened, and we fell in a dark abyss.

… What the fuck? … Sorry, I don’t think the alcohol is having any effect on me… Because this makes no fucking sense…  Excuse me for a moment…

Nope… didn’t help…

Also, another great author’s note…

Author's Note:

Sorry this was a bit rushed. I'm just thinking randomly, because  I wrote this close to midnight, and I was a bit tired.

Oh, don’t worry about this chapter being rushed… This whole fucking story has been rushed as shit!

So, they wake up in a red cave where Human-guy (for some reason) is outside of a cage while the main 6 are locked inside one. I guess, Nightmare Moon doesn’t consider this guy a threat… that or she’s just stupid.

Human-guy walks over to the cage and… just opens it… Apparently, the main 6’s weakness is unlocked cages since we never see Human-guy unlock it with a key or lock pick or anything like that.

And while we are down here in this cave, let’s get some descriptions of it.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a red cave. I got up and looked around. It looked...unsettling.

I kept walking until I came across a doorway...with no door. This place seemed messed up, for some reason. Blend unsettling, eerie, and startling together, and you get a very messed up place.

this place was VERY creepy.

Steven King’s got nothing on this level of description!

We walked to the right,and entered a room that had black stallions with red eyes and hooves.

Oh, look black and red Alicorns! That’s in every human in Equestria story!

… Wait, what? … That only counts if that’s the main character? … Are you sure?

… Okay, fine. I just really wanted a drink…

So, they have a 30 word chase scene with the ‘bloody hooves’ as they’re called and manage to escape them. Making them, completely pointless.

So, they teleport back to Nightmare Moon’s castle. Don’t ask the story’s almost over.

Nightmare Moon attacks Human-guy severely injuring him. He starts to die when Twilight says they can use the Elements of Harmony to revive him.

Pulling bullshit out of the author’s ass to save the human character. This calls for another shot.

Ah, that’s the *hic* good stuff…

So, they beat Nightmare Moon with some bullshit about the seventh element… Which totally calls for another shot…

And Celestia tells Human-guy that he needs to go back to his home world. He says his goodbyes and then suddenly is back home. … Yeah, that whole months thing that Celestia said probably was going to take. She was just trolling with him. She could have sent him back anytime, but then would he have had Fluttersex? No, he wouldn’t have and this story would have been better if he didn’t.

So in the Epilogue, we see him return to his mundane life, but finds a note in his jacket that Fluttershy left for him. I would question how Fluttershy manage to get it into his jacket and know that he was leaving and have time to write it and place it in his jacket without knowing, but this fucking story is finally… oh fuck…

Sir, are you alright?

… I shouldn’t have had that last shot…

What are you talking about, sir?

Oh, I’m just playing the… Human in Equestria cliché drinking game.

Sir, that’s the most dangerous game in the world! It has had more casualties than Chicken and Russian Roulette put together! Ponies stronger than you have died playing that!

Have I ever told you… how sexy that voice is?

That’s the alcohol talking, sir.

The f-f-fuck it is…

This story is stupid!

It is every human in Equestria story cliché under the sun and that’s not a good thing. It makes it simple, predictable, boring as hell and uninteresting.

Human-guy is the blandest piece of bread in existence. If this is how exciting you get, your life must be pretty dull. We learn absolutely nothing about his character, his personality and anything else that makes a good character other than “He’s the chosen one” bullshit. And not even that went anywhere. What was he chosen to do? What purpose did he serve? Nothing. Other than Fluttersex, he did nothing. He was a waste of a character.

I guess the only thing it did right was it was mercifully short. Hell, the review is longer than the actual story. This story is terrible, with its bad pacing, bad story, bad characters, bad plot and just the thing we have seen a million times in the past…

Now, if you’ll excuse me… I need to…