He slunk out of the carriage with a glare at the new library that stood before him. It was exactly the same as the old one. Well, not exactly. He had been told about the new staircase that was built to lead directly to the new basement they had recently discovered. He sighed as he grabbed his suitcases from his the back of the carriage. He dragged them out and one of them plopped out onto the floor, shooting open, sending his collection of various toys, electronic devices and collector cards all across the ground.

He growled under his breath and grumbled a vulgar word. As he started to gather his things, the carriage puller came to his side and spoke, as he held out his hoof. “Our fee?”

The green earth pony rolled his eyes as he placed his various stuff into his suitcase and shut it tightly. He dug through his other suitcase and pulled out a small bag. He opened the bag, mentally counting the contents. He frowned as his ears drooped down. He gave the bag to the carriage puller, who smiled and nodded, much to the dismay of the green earth pony.

The carriage puller made his way back to the front of his carriage. “Have a pleasant day.”

The green earth pony mockingly mimicked the carriage puller as he picked up his luggage from the ground. Why am I in a really bad mood today?

He scoffed as that thought entered his head. I know exactly why. My parents.

He dragged his luggage across the ground, not even bothering to lift them. He made his way to the doorway. He opened the door and was greeted by a voice.

“Welcome back, sir.”

He slithered into the room, not even bothering to respond. He threw his suitcases to his sides and made his way to his spot on the ground. He collapsed on the carpet. “God, it’s good to be home.”

“Problems with your father?” Computer asked.

He looked up to the ceiling. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Very well,” Computer stated.

He picked himself up as a robotic arm descended to him with a small book within its claws. “Your next review, sir.”

He took a deep breath and swiped the book from the arm. “Let’s just get this over with. Maybe I can get some relaxing done this week.”

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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Should we be Grammar Nazis?

Are they annoying? Helpful? Or even useful? For a many writers, this is a very taxing question. Writing does have rules with its grammar, but often times the rules with them are broken or changed in order to give a unique style to an artist’s work. Now that doesn’t mean that all of the rules can or should be broken, but it all depends on the skill of the writer. And the majority of writers can’t or shouldn’t break any of the grammar rules if they can help it.

My personal opinion, grammar Nazi’s are necessary for any new or even veteran writers. Most of the time our “unique style” doesn’t flow well with the masses and as such simple intentional grammar mistakes can be taken as you have no idea what you are doing, especially if you aren’t used to writing that way, in which you intentionally do it wrong in one spot, but end up doing it right in another.

Grammar makes the story look more profession and the author more intelligent and proper. One could argue that we would break grammar rules for style and that’s certainly one way to look at it. But one must know the rules of grammar before one can break them. With today’s story, I’m pretty sure he knows the rules, but he just doesn’t care.

Now, since this is fan fiction, most viewers are pretty lenient with grammar checks. (or don’t know enough of it). However, when one ignores enough grammar rules (or in today’s case just doesn’t care), the story can become unreadable, even for the most dedicated of readers.

I would go into detail with it, but frankly todays author doesn’t really care about it, so why should I?

So, how am I going to deal with a story without bashing on its grammar since the author doesn’t care about it? Well, I’m going to just focus on the story. Which means no matter what grammar mistakes are there, only the story matters. Does it make sense and is it enjoyable? Those are what I’m going to focus in this special edition of the Critique Cave.

So, let’s dive into Applejack in Love Poison Dilemma by FelixDawn and see if this story can be any good without counting the grammar.

Celestia sun was shining down on Ponyville, giving light for the residents.

Unfortunately, the sun gave up so much of its light, it set them all on fire. It was a sad day for Equestria and a sad way to end season 5.

While most of the ponyfolk were doing their own business, it was Rainbow Dash she heading towards at the Sweet Apple Acres.

So it turns out that Rainbow Dash is heading towards Sweet Apple Acres.  Déjà vu…  Also ponyfolk doing their own business? Huh, so this story takes place on Hearts and Hooves Day, if you know what I mean.

Applejack bucking apples from the many trees that covered the farm. The orange mare, Applejack,

Because those people who would be reading MLP fan ficion would never watch a single episode of MLP. And if you’ve been keeping up on my reviews, you know I’m not kidding.

took the bucket and placed it in the barn where many more buckets full of apples laid there scattered full. She decided to take a quick break and grabbed some apple juice to quench her thirst from the day work.

Oh, my god! She’s drinking one of her cousins! She’s an animal!

Oh, come on, Applejack. You know I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m just making a joke. Please don’t cry.

I have really got to stop making members of the main 6 cry. Let’s see, Applejack, twice. Twilight, at least once. Fluttershy, at least twice. Rainbow Dash, I think once. I think the only two I haven’t made cry was Rarity and Pinkie Pie. At least yet.

"Sorry AJ I could not find them anywhere!" Said Rainbow Dash with a disappointing look.

"For real?" Ask Applejack.

Fer real fer shizel!

Yeah, dog, bitch be tight in the hood, yo!

Word, homey-gee-dogey-dog!

I’ve been working on my gansta slang. I think I’m improving!

So it turns out that Rainbow Dash had been looking for Big MacIntosh and the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Applebloom?... Sweetie Belle?... Scootaloo?" Shoot Applejack

DON’T SHOOT APPLEJACK! SHE’S NEVER HARMED ANYPONY IN HER LIFE! WHY MUST EVERYONE HATE HER SO?!

, "Where'd they go?" Ask Applejack as she keep looking for the 3 fillies.

Oh, god, are you three stuck in tree sap again? What were you three doing this time?

We were just doing our taxes!

They start looking for the girls at the tree house.

When Applejack was still looking for the girls, Rainbow Dash seen a class with a purple liquid that filled the glass and drink it. The drink starts to work on her.

Oh, yeah. My back has been killing me for weeks. That feels soooo nice!

"Strangely enough, I can't fin Big Macintosh either." Said the farm pony Applejack a she walk back to Rainbow Dash side, "Are you aright, Rainbow?" She ask her friend with a concern.

Aright is okay, because it kind of fits into Applejack’s accent. Just so you know, grammar Nazis.

So the love poison potion makes Rainbow Dash fall in love with the first mare she sees and it happens to be Applejack. Which brings up a question, why do the Cutie Mark Crusaders have a vial of love potion just lying around their clubhouse? What were they planning to do with it? Were they really that determined to make Cheerilee and Big MacIntosh a couple that they would try again? They don’t need to. Most fans ship them already.

Applejack was now chased by her friend Rainbow Dash after she drink love poison potion, Applejack was the first pony she saw and now Applejack was running around ponyville avoiding her she hide in tree, rock and ever in the barn, when she finally go to a dress shop to wear a disguise.

There is a show, don’t tell here somewhere. I just can’t find it yet. (It’s not a grammar error. It’s a common writing technique.)

So Applejack gets away and reads a book on how to cure Rainbow Dash and amazingly finds it rather simply. … That was rather anti-climactic. God, she made Twilight look like the slowest reader ever.

"Oh shit gotta run" Applejack said in shocked, "how did you know?"

Yeah, I gotta dock points for Apple-sware. I’m sorry, but that’s just out of character. I, personal opinion here, could see the word “damn” coming from her mouth (not that it will ever happen since it’s a kid’s show), but “shit” is more of my territory.

Applejack runs into the forest where she runs into the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They go back to the clubhouse to see if they can undo the spell, discovering that Rainbow Dash had indeed ingested the love poison potion.

Oh, no! Rainbow Dash is only feeling the love potion part of the drink! Wait til it gets to the poison part, she will be hurling for a month!

Rainbow Dash finds them and chases after Applejack. She finally catches up to her and tries to kiss her.

Urgh! Applejack, you taste like… well, applejack!

Fortunately, Apple Bloom and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders arrive to put an anti-love potion, from Zecora, on Rainbow Dash. However, they say it won’t work for 24 hours and that Applejack will have to hide until then… Why? In the episode Hearts and Hooves, it took them not looking at each other for an hour before the spell wore off. Is this a different love potion? Are the effects different when the target is only one pony? For that matter, how did they get to Zecora so fast? And how did Zecora just happen to have the ingredients that she could use to make the anti-love potion? Does she just keep some in the cupboard just in case?

Actually, based on history, Zecora was quite a popular zebra. Being approached by all sorts of stallions.

Really? Huh? Learn something new every day.

So Applejack goes back to her barn, which I would think would be stupid since that would probably be the first place Rainbow Dash would look, and of course, I’m right as Rainbow Dash knocks her out.

After hours Applejack finally awakens to find that her 4 hoofs has been tied and she was in a bed.

OH, MY GOD! IT’S CUPCAKES ALL OVER AGAIN!

"Uh what the fuck happen let me out!!!" Applejack yell,

Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to dock points again. That’s just not a word that I would think Applejack would say.

Sir, don’t’ you think that is being a little bias towards your own personal head canon and thoughts on how the character should be portrayed?

You know what, I already took away my grammar insults, I need something!

So, Rainbow Dash goes over to Applejack and says that she wants her to be with her, forever.

I like this song! Get over it!

Rainbow moved her head closer to one of Applejack ears and whispered, "I want be inside of you!"

And not in the sexy way either. I was thinking about cutting off your skin and wearing, pretending I’m you. … That’s not at all creepy, is it? Oh my god, this is Cupcakes.

Anyway, the sun finally comes up and breaks the spell from Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash wonders what is going on and takes Applejack home.

"I can not believe what I did... Next time I so not drink something what is not mine...!" Rainbow said as she rub her hoofs around her face.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I learned that I shouldn’t drink things that I do not know the contents to. You could end up drinking something that will make you want to have sex with the first person you see. Wait… Would that really be a bad thing? I mean, if I gave you a swig and then had you set your eyes on me… I didn’t just write that, did I?

This story… is weird and admittedly, sucks.

It’s baffling how confused this story seems to be. It seems like it wants to be a clop fic, but doesn’t want to go the extra mile. It also seems like it wants to be a story in canon with the show, but doesn’t want to give up the sexual part of it.

And ultimately, it just fails at both. The characters are barely in character. The plot is just skimmed over, not adding a lot of drama since it is over before you know it (Thank god) and the constant telling of the story rather than showing us the story just make it all the more difficult to read, even if you completely ignore the grammar mistakes.

This story isn’t just bad because of the grammar, there are plenty of other reasons not to like this story. From the fact that the basic plot doesn’t make much sense, to the characters not acting like their normal selves, to plot holes about where the potion came from, why the Crusaders needed it or how it worked differently to the other love potion.

Have a great day, guys.