It clutches you tight as it whispers from the mountains. It only wants to say “I love you.” Welcome to Ponyville.

Good morning listeners. There have been several reports of strong wind sweeping through Ponyville, which has been causing our little town quite a bit of havoc. The streets have become littered with tree branches and newspapers, and several hundred homes have reported broken windows already. Ponies who were caught outside during the winds claimed that there was also a deep, pain-filled moan that traveled with the wind. They claim that the moan was powerful and heartbreaking, but it wasn’t something that could be heard with ears, it could only be felt with the soul. Many ponies said that the deep moan spoke to them, telling them that “the end was near” and that the town must be “cleansed with blood.” The wind was not available to comment on its strange and cryptic message, despite several requests for an interview.

The Town Council would like to make a reminder that today is the due date for this year’s community improvement ballots. Remember to write down what you believe to be the worst part of our community so that we can begin to correct it. The top three answers will be counted and then broadcasted later today. Last year’s vote helped the town council address the ever increasing problems of wage discrimination, zombie school teachers, and male pattern baldness. So what are you waiting for? Grab a ballot and a pen and go out there and make our community a better place! Every vote is important, as we must work together to make our Ponyville the best Ponyville it can be.

And now for a special report from town hall, it appears that yesterday’s Rally for Earth Pony Equality is still going on. The large mass of protesting earth ponies has continued its demonstration overnight and has been going on for a total of 22 hours! The movement’s leader, Applejack, told reporters that “This demonstration ain’t over until Granny Smith has finished her speech!” She declared that all participants are required to stay at the rally until all speakers have given their speeches. None of the demonstrators seem to mind, as many of them have been “deeply moved” by Granny Smith’s words. One Stallion said that he was brought to tears when the old corpse said “                                                           ”. It appears that Granny Smith has quickly become the heart and soul of the movement, inspiring all who listen to her wise words to fight on, to never rest until all of ponykind is free of oppression.

Now listeners, I don’t want to sound like a racist here, but this Earth Pony Equality Movement is quickly getting out of hoof. Now that the movement has been rallied under Granny Smith it may be impossible now to stop its newfound determination. Which means we may soon be forced to accept earth ponies as our equals. The shear vulgarity of the idea is enough to raise several important questions. Are earth ponies ready to join a community as complicated as ours? After all, it is common knowledge that earth ponies are very simple and primitive creatures. Their meager brains do not allow them to perform tasks that are more challenging than pulling carts or scrubbing tiles. I am not saying that earth ponies do not deserve to be loved and respected; I am only saying that an earth pony with responsibility is a danger to us all.

In other news, a new invention has come to Ponyville, and has taken the market by storm. It is called a Vacuum Cleaner, and has already become the highest grossing household product of all time. It is a machine that uses air suction to remove dirt and grime from carpets, and it is proving to be surprisingly efficient. So if you ask me I’d say go out and buy a vacuum cleaner! They are being sold at Smarty’s “Mops And Lampshades” store, right next to the dog park. Hurry before they’re gone!

Here’s a personal question for you listeners, are you getting enough calcium in your diets? No? Well you should fix that! Calcium is what keeps our bones nice and strong and helps improve our metabolism. It is also what keeps total strangers from violently grasping your shoulders and forcefully shaking you in public restaurants. So be sure to order a nice tall container of milk the next time government food trucks come to your neighborhood.

And now for today’s question to the public: Where do you think milk comes from? Be sure to submit your opinion to the Town Council’s drop box, where they will read you’re your responses and laugh.

Speaking of the Town Council, the mysterious figures that govern our town from the shadows have some good news; the fillies soccer team is keeping the Pineapple! That’s right listeners; the Town Council has discussed the incomprehensible appearance of the mysterious Pineapple and the strange hypnotic effects that it has on our children and have decided that it is perfectly harmless. The team’s coach has announced that the Pineapple will be welcomed on the team as a sort of mascot, saying “From the day it first appeared I could feel it bringing our team closer together, I can’t think of anypony who would be better for the job.” A few of the player’s mothers have begun sewing a new uniform for the Pineapple to welcome it onto the team, although they are having difficulty finding fabric durable enough to be worn over the Pineapple’s sharp, spiny skin without tearing. They understand that this project is a difficult one and they are welcoming help from anypony with sewing experience. They are meeting everyday at three P.M. at the Ponyville Athletics Center. Any assistance is greatly appreciated.

And now for a quick look at traffic. It appears that cars do not exist. This has been traffic.

The military police are looking for a stallion responsible for robbing a grocery store on the corner of East and West Street. Sweet Cakes, owner of the Fresh Foods Grocery said that the stallion approached the counter with a bag full of vitamins and threatened her with the power of knowledge. Military police responded to the 911 call two days later but the culprit had already left. Investigators suspect that the culprit is a local vigilante named Thunder Cookie who is responsible for vandalizing public bathrooms under the appellation “The Mathed Crusader”.

Cookie has been described by witnesses as “Very annoying” and having “horrible breath” and was last seen in the downtown area. It troubles me to see a once vigilante turn to thievery, I cannot imagine what evils he has planned for us. The military police are urging ponies to not approach him under any circumstances, as he is extremely annoying.

News from The Earth Pony Equality Movement as many of the protestors have begun to undergo a mysterious metamorphic transformation into strange, pulsating cocoons. This peculiar transformation has affected a third of the demonstrators already, and that number continues to grow. It is unknown what is responsible for these strange, earth pony mutations, but scientists are suggesting that it may be a part in some dark, earth pony ritual, or it may have something to do with the excessive amounts of radiation in the public drinking water. Either way, I would suggest that you stay clear of town hall, unless you want to run the risk of being sacrificed by an evil earth pony cult, to even eviler earth pony gods.

The majority of the Community Improvement ballots have been submitted and are being tallied as we speak, from the results so far it is clear that many ponies are concerned about the growing number of frogs that have been parading down Northcliff Road. Most ponies agree that the frogs were “cute at first” but that was only for when there were less than ten frogs, as opposed to several thousand. If you haven’t submitted your ballot yet, please do so as you only have a few hours left. Make your word heard so that we can begin to fix our problems together.

We have just received an urgent message from the military police. BEWARE! The vacuum cleaners from Smarty’s “Mops and Lampshades” store have gained sentience and have begun attacking ponies in their own homes. If you have purchased a vacuum cleaner from the “Mops and Lampshades” department store DO NOT RESIST! Do not fight back against the vacuum! Just run! Run for your pitiful and meaningless existence. Abandon your friends and loved ones, as they will only slow you down! Run! The military police are working to contain the situation and have already begun placing quarantines on homes that are known to be housing vacuums. If you live nearby one of these quarantine zones I urge you to evacuate immediately, as the vacuums are unlikely to show mercy to anypony they stumble upon. Smarty has said in an interview that he is not responsible for any damages caused by the vacuums and that there will be no refunds for vacuums already purchased.

Here’s something that should lighten the mood. The mothers who have been working on the mascot uniform for the Pineapple said that they had an unexpected visitor. They say that Rarity, that one homeless girl who lives under the bridge, stopped by and actually wanted to help with the design. Everypony there had a good laugh about it before chasing her off with a broom. I find it hilarious that Rarity of all ponies thought that she could “help” with something as intricate as designing a uniform, but I guess I can’t blame her for “dreaming big”.

But Rarity’s appearance at the Ponyville Athletics Center does bring up concerns that we all share about Ponyville’s rising homeless numbers, especially now with ponies being chased from their homes by vacuum cleaners. This sudden influx of displaced and destitute ponies in Ponyville will wreak havoc on our community as well as the housing market; after all, nothing damages a home’s value more than an infestation of homeless families huddling together for warmth. Listeners, you must take preventative measures to avoid becoming homeless yourselves, start by locking your doors and windows, keeping a loaded firearm with you at all times, and if you are bitten by a homeless pony then it’s already too late. If you have any questions or would like to voice any concerns simply lie down in a corner and cry, as your opinion doesn’t matter.

And now everypony, it is time for… The weather.

Exhaustion swept over Twilight, forcing her put down her quill, her eyelids begging her for a moment's rest. Her usually tidy desk was now consumed with notes and scrolls, and of course, the book. This book, whatever it was, was the most fascinating thing Twilight had ever seen. The book was more than a user manual for the Elements of Harmony, it was a window into the outside world, a window that held tales of untold heroes, of kingdoms far beyond the borders of Ponyville, and of battles fought between Angels and Demons. Twilight hadn’t slept since she found the book, how could she?

Twilight was in love, there was no doubt about it. A new book, she finally had a new book to read, and it had expanded her mind more than she could have possibly hoped. But despite the happiness that the book brought her, there was still a lingering question on the back of her mind. Why?

Why would anypony bring her this book? Did they want her to study these "Elements"? If so, she was at a loss, she didn't know what the Elements were, and for a book hundreds of pages long dedicated solely to the Elements of Harmony, it was surprisingly vague as to what those Elements were. It said that there were six Elements in total, Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty, the sixth was a complete mystery. Could that be any more ambiguous?

There were also many troubling details in the book, for instance, there was never any mention of an evil queen, perhaps the book had come from a time before the queen's evil rule, but the book presented evidence that made the matter even more unsettling... The Princess Sisters. They were a near perfect match for the description of the evil queen and her sister, except minus the evil part. In fact, the book went on to describe them as the most benevolent rulers the land had ever known.

This book went against everything that the town council had ever stood for; possessing this book was borderline heresy. The warning inside the cover was right; this book had to remain hidden. If Twilight was caught with such a book, she could be arrested, even killed. The military police, though they meant well, have never been known to be merciful.

Twilight yawned, she desperately needed sleep. Her entire body was protesting against her will to read on demanding the rest that it deserved, her drooping eyelids were making quite the enticing argument. Ok! She would just finish one more page and then she would put the book away in a safe place, and then she would finally give herself a moment to–

Three resounding knocks came from the door. Twilight froze. A visitor? She wasn't expecting company, she didn't even know anypony, and it was a rare occasion for someone to stop by the library to get a book.

The book!

The book that she had been given last night was in plain sight, sitting right on her desk. And somepony was at the door.

"Just a minute." Twilight called, anxiety spreading through her body and seeping through her skin. She quickly grabbed the book with her telekinesis and frantically searched for a safe place to hide it. "Oh no no no no no no no no!" Twilight said to herself as she began opening drawers and shifting furniture with her magic. She finally decided on hiding it in a flower pot of growing tulips. Her heart was racing as she physically tore the dirt and flowers out of the pot before placing the book inside and burying it. It wasn't the best place to hide the book; in fact it was probably the worst place considering that the book was most likely ruined from the dirt and soil that was bleeding into the pages. There wasn't time to worry about that now, she turned to the door and quickly rushed over to answer it.

Her heart skipped a beat as she opened the door and came face-to-face with two guards in obsidian black armor. The military police were here. Twilight could feel their menacing eyes piercing her body and gazing directly into her soul, they stood there, unwavering until finally one of them spoke.

"Miss Sparkle, The Military Governess has requested an audience with you immediately." The guard said in a deep, commanding voice. "I am honored to present to you the Governess herself."

The guards parted, revealing behind them a mare in a black suit. Her entire body was dressed in decorated formal attire, and an unnatural shadow was cast upon her face, obscuring any and all facial details that were lurking beneath it.

"Miss Sparkle." She said formally.

Twilight bowed her head, "Your majesty." Majesty? Was that the right word for the Governess? The Governess didn't seem to mind. "How can I help you?"

"I require the use of you library for an... event tomorrow afternoon. Your attendance of said event is also required."

Twilight puzzled, "What sort of event?"

"Miss Sparkle, it has now come to my attention that public opinions of your library, as well as their opinions of yourself, have been quite poor for some time." There was venom in the Governess' words, Twilight wasn't sure why. She could almost see the smile on her face as she relayed this information to her, almost; her face was still completely hidden. "I wish to correct this problem by hosting an event here in the library, where ponies can have the opportunity to meet you."

This wasn't what Twilight was expecting at all. "I, uh, yes. Thank you, um, Governess" Twilight fumbled for words. "What exactly did you have in mind?"

"Details of the event will be given to you tomorrow upon our arrival. Now please tidy up the Library if you will," The governess was now staring at the disorganized desk, completely buried under piles of notes and scrolls. Her attention turned back to Twilight, "And for the love of Celestia, please make yourself more presentable." She turned around, her chin raised high as she walked out the library, the guards slamming the door behind her.

Twilight turned to a mirror on the wall. Ew. Her mane was completely disheveled; there were also dark bags under her eyes. The long night without sleep had taken its toll on Twilight's body. She looked like a complete wreck. She looked back to the window where she could see the Governess and her entourage had gone, Twilight ran back to the flower pot. She unearthed the book and hugged it. She needed to find a safe place to keep this now, especially with this event going on tomorrow. Perhaps there was a chest in her room upstairs where she could...

Wait. Did the Military Governess say Celestia?

Welcome back listeners, the Community Improvement ballots have all been submitted and tallied and now the results for the top three problems are in. Number 3 on the list is the color of daffodils, which have always been an eyesore in our community. Number 2 is wheels, which are not to be trusted. And number 1, drumroll please… is Twilight Sparkle, now this comes as no surprise to anyone as Twilight Sparkle is simply the worst.

Let me just say that I am proud of all of you for turning in your ballots on time; it just goes to show how reliable this community is as a whole. Another day has passed and we have already grown stronger and closer together, and I know in my heart that there is no greater home, no greater family than here, with you Ponyville. And with that I bid you adieu.

Good night Ponyville.

Good night. Next Chapter: The Librarian Estimated time remaining: 51 Minutes