Author's Notes:

Sorry for the long ass delay... I fucking hate Summer like you wouldn't believe. Heat, insects... goddamn.
Anyway, that's it... the last chapter. Well, actually it could be considered as two chapters in one, but either way, this story is officially complete. I may go back to it from time to time and add a line here and there, fix a mistake or rewrite a paragraph or something, but nothing major.

I had trouble finishing it, but it turned out better than I thought it would.
I had a real blast writing this story, and a little over five months later, I can't believe I actually finished it.

I started the first chapter without any idea where I would be going with it, and I pretty much winged the entire thing, writing every chapter without having the slightest idea what would happen in the next.

I'm not particularly happy with the whole thing overall, but I'm definitely not unhappy either. I just hope you guys enjoy it, although I've been writing this story mainly for myself, I must admit.

Still, I like to know that my readers are enjoying themselves, too. You guys are the reason I finished it, and in 'only' five months. If it were only for my lazy ass, I'd probably still be trying to write chapter 3 or something.

So yeah, now I'm gonna take a small break from writing. I probably won't be working on another story until further notice... or at least until the temperature stays below seventy at night for more than two days in a row.
Fucking global warming- Celestia.

Her eyes threatening to pop out of their orbits, Queen Chrysalis stared in horror. Not at the bullet whistling past her left ear... but at the giant, dark green steel beast that had just crashed through the back wall. Obliterating a large stained glass window and two marble columns, its spinning rotor showered the entire room in debris and dust as the bird hovered a couple of feet above the ground.

"WEEEEEE!" Pinkie Pie screamed happily as she slammed a hoof against the combat helicopter's dashboard, causing the flying metal monster to swerve, and somehow drop to the ground, stopping right in front of the six flabbergasted creatures. The rotor stopped and she jumped off the pilot's seat, landing on Carl's shoulders and throwing pink confetti into the air. "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"

"NOW!" Carl screamed, coming back to his senses and firing a burst of lead from his submachine gun, ignoring the pony straddling his head. This time, two of the three bullets connected with the still surprised changeling's forehead, the first one carving a hole through her jagged horn and the second one severing it, causing a shower of green sparks to explode from the stump.

Wasting no time, Applejack readied her lasso and threw it, the rope latching itself around Chrysalis' slender neck. The country mare tugged forcefully on it, causing the dazed queen to lose her balance and topple forward, shrieking in pain and anguish.

"CELESTIA! LUNA!" Carl screamed again. "WHATEVER YOU WERE GONNA DO, YOU BETTER DO IT NOW!"

Ignoring most of the pain as she thrashed and screamed, Chrysalis shot Celestia the angriest glare she could manage. "THIS IS NOT THE END! I WILL RECOVER AND I WILL DESTROY YOU, ALONG WITH EVERY SINGLE THING YOU HAVE EVER LAID EYES UPON!"

Shaking her head, the Princess of the Sun spread her wings as her magic channeled into her horn. She lowered her head and fired a powerful binding spell in the form of a bright pink bubble, trapping the immobilized changeling who was still busy trying to break free from the rope.

"I do believe it is over," the white alicorn said, wrapping a wing around a (still stunned) Carl, who was staring blankly at nothing in particular with a mix of confusion and disbelief on his face.
Everything happened so fast, but... when did he become such a crack shot?

Luna, Applejack, Minty and Pinkie Pie all exchanged glances, every one of them having mixed feelings about the sudden turn of events.
What exactly had just happened? And how did it even work out so easily?

"What just happened?" Pinkie asked as her mane deflated slightly.

"Ah... Ah did it!" Applejack shouted, pumping a hoof into the air. "Didn't Ah?"

"We did it," Celestia stated, chuckling weakly.

"We knew you could do it, sister!" Luna said with a smile, walking up to Celestia and nuzzling the larger mare's neck with her own, causing Applejack to frown.

"I'm sorry, my Queen..." Minty said with a hint of sadness in her voice as she looked away from Chrysalis.

"YOU!" the larger changeling shrieked, "YOU BETRAYED ME! I WILL MURDER YOU!"

"Nah. You ain't gonna do shit, bitch," Carl chimed in, still struggling to regain his composure. "We won, and your ass is dead," he said, reaching through Celestia's magical trap with an arm and bitchslapping the queen across the face.

"I WILL KILL YOU AND USE YOUR SKULL AS AN INCUBATOR!"

"Shut the fuck up."

"Pinkie, how the heck did y'all fly that thing?" the orange pony asked.

"I don't know! It looked like fun, so I gave it a try!"

"How? Just how?" Carl asked, in vain. How could an Earth pony operate a helicopter? Hell, how could a hoofed creature with no knowledge of such technology do anything with a helicopter, other than staring at it in fear, disbelief or confusion?

Applejack shook her head. "It's just Pinkie being Pinkie, Ah reckon... man, CJ! Ah'm so glad this whole thing is over!"

"That wasn't too bad. I told y'all we'd win. Just had to fight a bit for it," the young man said, turning to Celestia. "So, what are you gonna do with her ass, now?" he asked, pointing a finger towards a fuming Chrysalis.

"We will undo everything she has done, get the Elements of Harmony back to where they should be, and free everypony."

"And that's it? What about her? What about her guards? You ain't gonna kill her or any of 'em?"

"No."

"Man, you's a pussy."

"I am not."

"You are a fucking pussy."

"Thou will not call our sister a vagina, thou vile monkey."

"Eat a dick."

"Don't call him a monkey, Luna."

"THOU EATEST A PENIS, THOU NEGRO!"

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little bitch? I'll have you know I-"

"PROCEED TOWARDS OUR ROYAL SELVES, THOU SHIT FLINGER!"

"SHUT YER GODDAMN MOUTHS, ALL OF YA!"

"Applejack, be quiet. We think we can hear thy whorefriend calling for thee."

"LUNA AH SWEAR AH WILL CRACK YER SKULL OPEN WITH MAH BARE HOOVES!"

"Touchy subject, we see."

"Can you all shut the fuck up?"

"Carl, please, stay out of this."

"Fuck you."

"Where's Lyra?" a high pitched voice asked, causing the four creatures to abort their imminent nigga-pone moment.

"What?" Carl turned to the pink mare, who was looking around in confusion.

"Lyra! She was with me in the flying metal thing! Where is she now? We weren't playing hide and seek if I remember correctly! Actually, maybe I don't remember correctly. Maybe we were playing hide and seek? Oh, maybe we're still playing! She must be really well hidden!"

"Why the hell was she with you?"

"Oh? She said that if she helped rescuing you, you would want to use your fingers and do funny things to her flanks! I'm not sure what she meant, but she seemed to really want it, because she was leaking quite a bit and now the co-pilot's seat is all sticky and also it smelled like-"

"ENOUGH!" Luna shouted, causing everyone to shut up and stare. "This is no time for talking. There is a lot of work to be done. Sister, you need to get the Elements back, and get rid of all the drones. We will go back into the crystal caves and free all the prisoners. Applejack, you need to go back to Ponyville and tell everypony what happened. We do not want any of our subjects to worry any longer. And Carl, we think you should..." she trailed off, staring at the large aircraft sitting in the middle of the room. "Um. Can you fly this thing out of our castle?"

"If Pinkie's landing didn't fuck it up too much, I don't see why I couldn't."

"I'll do it, Princess Luna!" Pinkie said happily, jumping back in the pilot's seat as the engine whirred to life. All within two hundred and forty-seven milliseconds. "This is fun!" she added, slamming a hoof against the dashboard and causing a little red flag with 'BANG!' written on it to pop out of the barrel of the M230 chain gun.

Before anyone could react, the Hunter took off and flew out of the gaping hole in the wall, swerving around a tower, and disappearing out of sight.
All the while shooting streamers and confetti out of the rocket pods.

Carl shrugged, well decided to just stop questioning anything, especially if it's related to that pink... thing. "You know what? Maybe I'll just-" he froze up as something moist made contact with his cheek.

A blushing Celestia withdrew her tongue from the human's cheek as she cleared her throat, smiling bashfully at him.

"Yo, what the fuck? What was that for, man?"

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Sister, please, behave thyself."

"Sick, princess."

"Absolutely disgusting."

"Whore."

"ASSET ACQUIRED!" a computerized voice rang through the room.

"Who the hay said that?" Applejack asked, looking around in confusion.

"Really? This thing again?" Carl chuckled. "Heh, don't pay attention," he added, waving a dismissive hand.

"This property will now generate revenue up to a maximum of fifty thousand dollars a day! Make sure you collect it regularly!" the voice spoke again as a bright yellow dollar icon appeared in front of the hole in the wall, slowly spinning on itself about two feet above the ground.

"Carl, we demand an explanation," Luna said sternly.

"Can't give you one, man. I never understood that shit, either," he replied, shrugging. "But hey, it's money, yo!"

"Money?" Luna inquired. Did the concept of money not exist a millennium ago?

"What's a dollar?" asked Celestia.

"It's money, man! Dollar's a currency back on Earth."

"It must be the equivalent of our bits, Ah suppose," Applejack suggested.

"Fifty thousand bits a day?" Celestia gawked.

"Yeah," Carl laughed, patting the white alicorn's head. "I don't know what's the exchange rate, but there ain't no dollars in Equestria, so either way... you's a rich motherfucker, now!"

"Sister, what do you think we should do with the changeling queen?"

"Nothing, Lulu. Her horn is severed, and her magic is gone for good since we're going to take back the source of her power. She won't be able to regenerate it, and her drones are useless to her. Just as she is useless to them, now without her magic," Celestia said coldly, before turning to Applejack. "Applejack, I will teleport you back to Ponyville. I want you to report to Twilight Sparkle, and explain her everything that has transpired during the last few hours."

"Ah got it, Princess. Ya can count on me."

"I know I can."

"Ah... Ah'm real happy this whole thing is over," the orange pony said, shuddering.

"So are we, dear Applejack," Luna commented.

"So am I," Celestia added.

"Me too," Minty chimed in.

"I dunno, man," Carl shrugged. "This shit's been kinda fun, things gon' be boring now."

"Shut up, Carl." the Princess of the Sun frowned at the human. "Are you ready, Applejack?" she asked, turning back to the orange pony as her horn started to glow.

"Ah sure am, Princess."

Applejack braced herself and closed her eyes before disappearing in a flash of bright pink light.

Rubbing his chin, Carl cleared his throat. "Yo, I think I got an idea."

Celestia raised an eyebrow at the human. "Go on."

"You said she can't do shit anymore, right? Like, she ain't got no magic no more?"

"No. She can still fly but that's about it. She can't transform or use magic anymore."

"So that means she's harmless, right?"

"Pretty much. Her horn-"

"Sister!" Luna interjected, visibly angry. "We are tired of your attitude. You are a liability. We will take care of your business, while you talk. And talk. And talk some more."

"Luna, I-"

"And you're still talking. Thankfully, some ponies actually seem to remember that talking does not necessarily solve every problem. We are one of these ponies."

"C'mon, baby! Why you trippin'?" Carl 'asked'.

"We are not a baby, and we certainely are not 'tripping'. We will get the Elements back and sort things out while you and my sister talk about... whatever it is ponies and apes talk about these days," she said coldly, spreading her wings. "We hate conversing when there are far more pressing matters at hoof," she added, flapping her wings and flying out of the giant hole in the wall.

"Goddamn, shit! What's wrong with her?" Carl asked, mildly annoyed by Luna's volatile mood. "I think she needs to get laid or something."

'She's not the only one...' Celestia muttered to herself, almost inaudibly.

"What was that?"

Blushing and shaking her head, the alicorn raised a defensive hoof. "Nothing at all!"

"Huh..." the young man shook his head. "So, as I was sayin', I got an idea."

"I'm listening, Carl." she nodded, putting on a weak smile.

"That crazy pink bitch... Pinkie Pie, is that it? Her thing is parties, right?"

"Yes, Pinkie Pie loves partying."

"So I was thinking, why don't we have her throwin' a giant ass party right in the middle of Ponyville and shit?"

"There's no need to even ask her, that is bound to happen anyway. Most likely tonight. And probably tomorrow as well... and every other day of the week until she gets tired of it. If she can even get tired of it, that is. Or tired of anything, really... I'm not sure she can actually get physically tired."

"Uh... yeah, for real? Well, check this out, then. Why don't we get Chrysalis to attend the party?"

Celestia took a step back, staring at Carl as if he had just suggested her to relinquish her throne to Snips and Snails or something. "Are you out of your mind, Carl? Why in the name of Equestria would you propose something like that?"

"Peep this," the human said, grinning, "that way, the bitch will be surrounded by the very creatures she tried to enslave. Or kill. Or whatever the fuck she was gonna do with 'em ponies before we stopped her ass. She's weak, and she'll be at their mercy. That means we let them, the real victims, decide of her fate. Y'know what I'm sayin'?"

"That's... that sounds like something Discord would have suggested."

"Who the fuck is Discord?"

"Nevermind. I suppose we could try that... ponies tend to forgive easily. A little too easily for their own good, in fact," she said, shaking her head. "Still, I will need to bind her wings and force a potion of weakness down her gullet first. Changelings aren't known for their physical strength, but still. Chrysalis is the tallest equine creature in Equestria, after all."

"What? You sure? I think you're taller."

"No, Carl. That bitch is a half inch taller than I am." Celestia spat out, glaring angrily at the 'taller' changeling.

"Huh... whatever. Hey, she's all yours, do what you want to her ass," Carl replied, pointing a hand towards the queen, who was still glaring silently from inside the magical bubble. She would have her revenge... once again. She would rise again... again. Yeah, she would definitely rise again once again.
And she would strike back.
Hard.

With a vengeance.

"What about me?" asked Minty, who had remained mostly silent until now.

Remembering her presence, both Carl and Celestia turned to face her. "Well, why don't you come too? We all gonna be hangin' out anyway. You can chill and meet ponies and shit, I guess."

The princess nodded. "Minty, you are now one of my subjects. You should start socializing with other ponies. I would advise against telling them the truth about yourself, though. At least until everypony has heard about what has really happened. If Chrysalis brings it up, simply ignore her. Most ponies know that changelings rely on lies and deception anyway... those who don't will probably think she's crazy instead."

"I'll show you crazy!" Chrysalis spat out from inside her temporary, magical prison, her right eye twitching violently.

"Nah, you ain't showin' anything to anyone, man. You lost, alright? You can't use your shit anymore, you're done for. Just face it, it's over. So why don't you do like us, and try to chill? There ain't nothin' else left for you to do anyway. And it ain't even necessarily a bad thing! Ever considered starting over?"

"What are you talking about, Carl?" Celestia inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Just tryin' to make her understand somethin'. Look, there are other things in life than taking over a kingdom and shit, you know?"

Chrysalis frowned harder. "I am the queen of changelings, you foul creature! My destiny is to conquer the land around me, and establish the most glorious and powerful kingdom possible for my children. Just like my mother did before me, and her mother before her, and her mother before-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," Carl shook his head in disapproval. "Look, times are changin', man. I'm sure that shit was nice centuries ago, but maybe your destiny is to shut the fuck up and live a nice, quiet, boring ass life like billions of motherfuckers do across all dimensions. You ever thought of that?"

Chrysalis averted her gaze, looking down as she seemed to be considering Carl's words. A different life than the one she had been leading since the death of her mother, five hundred and seventy-eight years ago? She never really thought she could have a choice, or even a say in the matter... but she was the queen, after all. She could do whatever she wanted to do.
So could he... could he be right? Could she possibly lead a normal life if she really wanted to?

As a citizen of a kingdom she tried to take over?
Twice?

She had never really thought about what she wanted to do with her life before. It always seemed so obvious to her... follow in her mother's hoofsteps, conquer every piece of land she can access, and ultimately establish changeling dominion over the neighboring kingdoms, and eventually across the entire planet. That last one was a stretch, but ultimately, it would have been her lifetime goal.
But deep inside, was it what she truly wanted? She couldn't remember having any other desire or ambition when she was still a young changeling, but... what about now? Power and control over other creatures... was that enough to make her truly happy? Was that even a way to feel happy?

Did she ever feel happy?

"You know," Carl added, taking a few steps closer to the queen, "ponies are a nice bunch. You say your kind needs love to strive, right? Like, you feed on that shit an' all? So there you are, wanting others to love you and everything, but then you go all like, 'motherfuckers, I'mma kill y'all and rule over your land'. Don't you think there's somethin' that ain't right about that shit? If you acted like a normal, civilized being, you wouldn't have to strive for love, you know? You'd become part of the society, and I'm sure some ponies would end up taking a liking to your scrawny ass. And if that's what you feed on, then that shit would probably taste better than whatever you get from capturing and terrorizing 'em, then draining it from 'em."

"B-but! But I-"

"Look at me, man!" he cut her off. "I clearly ain't somethin' ponies are used to see, or even wanna see. To y'all, I have strange customs, I have strange manners, I have strange language... shit, just look at me! Everything about me is strange. Yet, most of 'em ponies are nice to me, and they're even tryin' to tolerate my ass the best they can. I can't say that I feel loved, but I definitely don't feel rejected. That's a start, you know? That's how this shit works."

"I'm really proud of you, Carl," Celestia said, smiling warmly and nuzzling the human's cheek with her own. "I didn't expect to hear that from you, at least not right now, but you are entirely right."

"Jeah," Carl said blankly, ignoring her implications.

"Besides, Chrysalis," the princess added, smiling at the trapped changeling, "Carl is right. True love would be so much more fulfilling than sucking emotions out of distraught, terrified or mind controlled ponies."

"Whatever..." the queen sneered. "I'm still gonna kill you whenever I get the chance."

"Oh, I'm sure you will," Celestia replied with a condescending, shit-eating grin.

Chrysalis' expression softened as she raised a hoof. "Just please, don't hurt my children. They have nothing to do with any of this. They were just-"

"I know. They were just following your orders, I know that. But things don't have to be that way anymore. Now that the hivemind has been broken, they can all live their own lives in peace and harmony."

"That's disgustingly cheesy."

"Princess, maybe we should get goin'?" Carl inquired. "Ponyville ain't exactly close, there probably ain't no ponies to man the trains, Pinkie took my goddamn chopper and you can't teleport my ass."

"Indeed, we should get going." she simply said, spreading her wings and motioning towards her back.

Taking the hint, Carl shrugged and jumped on the alicorn's back as she shot one last glance towards the changeling queen and her minion turned Earth pony. "I will come back for you two later. Minty, can I count on you to watch over your former queen?"

"Are you sure she can't break out of the bubble?"

"No, don't worry," Celestia replied, "she cannot."

"Are you really, really sure?"

"Yes, I am."

"Man the fuck up, yo!" Carl chimed in. "I'm twice your size and you actually managed to put up a fight against me earlier today. You's a bad motherfucker, man. You can handle her skinny ass."

"Minty, did you seriously fight that... thing, in your current form?" Chrysalis asked, her rage subsiding for a second as she raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, my Qu-... I mean, Chrysalis."

The larger changeling deadpanned. "I hate you. I hate everything," she snarled, bringing a hoof to her forehead in a pretty good Rarity impression.

"Does it hurt?" Minty asked.

"What?"

"Your horn. Or, your lack of one," she sneered.

"I swear, I will kill you too, and I will burn this entire kingdom to ashes."

Carl and Celestia looked at each other before shrugging, unimpressed. "Man, for real, it's like everyone needs to get laid around here."

Wrapping an arm around the princess' neck as he had done before, the young man smiled. Despite what happened the last time, he still loved flying on her back.

He really loved the feeling of-

"HOLY SHIT! SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

"WHO'S THE PUSSY NOW, HUH?"

It was a typical, peaceful evening in Equestria.

Ponyville's town square was filled with ponies talking and laughing over blaring music, and Pinkie's special 'Big Changeling Meanie Has Been Defeated' green and turquoise strobe lights were flashing everywhere.

Carl shook his head as he approached the 'festivities', wondering how this strange dimension could be so reminiscent of Earth at times, while at the same time being so... well, different. Despite the pastel colors and cartoon-ish atmosphere, the whole thing looked just like a typical outdoor party, only without drugs or naked bitches. And without outrageous amounts of hard liquor.
Although most of the ponies were naked.

Before he could get any closer, the young man got a faceful of pink.

"Carl! I'm glad you could make it! Where are the princesses?" Pinkie asked, getting all up in the human's face, as she usually does with every creature she talks to sees. "Oh, I know! Don't tell me, I know! They're probably, uh... no, I don't know," she said quickly, frowning.

Giving her an awkward pat on the head, Carl chuckled. "Chill out, man. Luna's sortin' shit out, and Celestia's comin' in a couple of minutes. She's bringin' in someone special."

"Ooooooh!" her eyes widened beyond what should be physically possible, even for a physics-defying cartoon pony. "Who is it? Who is it? Wait, don't tell me, don't tell me! I know! I know! I know! It's your brother, Sweet! Isn't it?" she said, bouncing in circles around the human. "I like the name Sweet. Sweet! Sweet, Sweet, Sweet, Sweet, Sweet! I love sweets!"

Carl frowned, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying to ignore her Pinkie powers. "Pinkie, look. I like you, alright? You a real nice pony and all, you know? But please. Shut your fucking mouth."

"That's not nice, Carl."

"It wasn't really meant to be."

"Oh," she said flatly, before turning her head around. "Hey, look! My new flying party cannon!" she smiled, pointing a hoof to her left. "How do you like it?"

Carl shot a quick glance in the direction Pinkie was pointing towards, and raised an eyebrow.
What was formerly a combat helicopter was now fully painted in pink and covered in... well, party stuff. Everything from lights to streamers to pastries to confetti to... tons of shit no one should even know the name or purpose of.

"So? So? Do you like it? Huh?" the party pony asked, batting her eyelashes at the human.

"Nah, not really. Now please, get outta my face."

Walking past the now distraught pink mare, he arrived at a table where five ponies were sitting and talking.

He flashed a wild ghetto sign and took a seat. "What's up, homies?"

"Carl!" Twilight smiled.

"Hey, partner. How ya' doin'?" Applejack asked.

"'Sup, dude?" Rainbow Dash waved.

"Humph," Rarity harrumphed.

"Um... good evening, mister Carl," Fluttershy fluttershyed.

"What's up with y'all? 'S'crackin'? Y'all enjoyin' the party?"

"Of course, Pinkie's parties are always fun," Twilight replied.

"Ah needed that after what we've been through today... and the past week," Applejack sighed.

"I could throw an even more awesome party, but eh, Pinkie is only Pinkie, you know?" Rainbow Dash bragged.

"I was quite enjoying it a few seconds ago," Rarity snarled, levitating her glass of punch to her mouth.

"Y-yes," Fluttershy mumbled.

Yeah.
Everything was back to normal in Equestria.

"Heh. We got a special guest comin', you girls ready?"

"Who is it?" Twilight asked.

"You'll see. Just promise me you ain't gonna trip."

"I promise."

Carl turned around and pointed a finger towards the royal carriage carrying Princess Celestia and Qu-

"CAAAAAARL! WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?" Twilight shrieked as she readied various offensive and defensive spells.

"Man, fuck! ...ah, whatever. You was born trippin' anyway."

Later that evening...

"And that is how I became the queen."

"Really?" the little dragon asked rhetorically, bringing a claw to his chin. "That sounds pretty awful."

"I know. Perhaps I have been wrong since the beginning. Perhaps I was never meant to be the queen," Chrysalis said, looking down. "When mother told me that I would succeed her, I thought that it would be easy, and glorifying. I thought that all I would have to do would be finding a source of love for my subjects. But she never mentioned that I would have to enslave them with our changeling hivemind. She never mentioned that I would be forced to lie, deceive and sometimes use mind control to coerce a bit of love out of unwilling creatures... and she never mentioned the greed and lust that come with power, either."

Patting the changeling's withers, Spike smiled. "Heh, you know, we dragons also tend to have problems with greed."

"Really?"

"Yep. You see, for my last birthday, I got a really nice gift, and... well, let's just say that things took a pretty ugly turn when I eventually became a forty feet tall rampaging monster and everything... but thankfully, it all worked out in the end. But still, I really, really hope that it doesn't happen again next year, you know? I asked everypony not to give me anything. Not a single gift, I need to learn to keep my greed in check."

"Huh... dragons sure are interesting creatures."

"Yeah..." the little drake giggled. "I wish I could have known my parents... I mean, I love Twilight, but she doesn't know much about dragons, and there are many things I wonder about... regarding my kind and everything, you know? And everypony I know today will probably be long gone by the time I reach adulthood. What will I do when that happens? Books don't contain the answer to everything... at least not to that," he shook his head solemnly, staring at the taller creature with a longing expression.

The pair stared at each other for about a minute, until Chrysalis decided to break the silence, clearing her throat and speaking up.

"Did you really mean what you said in your letter?"

Spike raised an eyebrow. "What letter?"

"The one for Princess Celestia. The one you somehow predicted I would intercept."

"Oh, that one? Uh, yeah, that was Carl, actually. I don't know much about his weird language. Apparently, helping a nigga out doesn't make you a nigga yourself," he said, raising a claw to scratch his forehead. "Go figure."

Chrysalis cocked her head to the side, giving the dragon a weird look, somewhere in between 'you don't say' and 'look here u lil wank fucka hed i will fukin bash ur arse u'.

"Anyway, did you really mean what you said? That I was far more attractive than a pony?"

Spike blushed heavily, looking away and shuffling with his claws. "Oh, you meant... oh. Um... well, yes! But still, I don't want to have sex with you. Or with anypony, really. Sex is so boring..."

The former queen chuckled, wrapping a hoof around the young dragon's neck. "Heh... it's not the most fulfilling thing, I'll admit."

"I know, right? It always makes me feel empty."

She blushed. "I would have made a stupid joke, but changelings are so bad at it... it usually leaves me feeling empty, too."

"You're a nice pony when you're not trying to conquer Equestria, you know that?" Spike chuckled, giving her a sincere smile.

"I'm not a pony, but... thanks," Chrysalis replied, sighing happily as she started to feel the little dragon's emotions. It wasn't love, but it was dank shit regardless.

Meanwhile, about thirty feet away...

"Man, can you believe this shit? Now the little guy's gonna get it on with her?"

"No, Carl. They're just talking... I'm pretty sure we could reform Chrysalis. Look at her, it's like for the first time in her life, she's discovering how good it can be to socialize and make friends," Twilight said, taking a sip of her punch.

"Just like you two years ago, huh. Sounds familiar, eh Twi?"

"Shut up, Dash," she pouted. "I think you really struck a chord when you said she didn't have to be what she had grown to be," the unicorn added, smiling at the human. "I'm still a little uneasy about letting her bond with Spike, though, but... heh. She's pretty much harmless now, and he's getting older. I can't always be behind him, and tell him what to do and what not to do."

"Yeah, that's what I told your ass the first time we met."

"I remember that... we didn't really make a very good first impression on each other, did we?"

"Nah, not really. But it was nothin' compared to Celestia. Man, she was the worst, by far. She was actin' all weird and shit, implying strange shit... I really, really thought she was up to something," the young man chuckled, before realizing something. "She wasn't schemin' anything, but I still don't know why she was behavin' all fucked up like that..." he trailed off, downing his beer.

"Well, you should probably ask her then," Twilight replied, pointing a hoof towards the Princess of the Sun sitting at a nearby table with Fluttershy and a strange flaming bird.

"I guess. Yo, I'll catch up with y'all later."

"See you later, Carl."

"Later, dude."

He got up, walking up to the princess' table, and waved a hand at her.

"Wassup, Princess? What's happenin'?"

"Carl, how are you?"

"Doin' just fine, man," Carl replied, taking a seat. "Hey, Fluttershy, girl. What's poppin' with you?"

"Um, I'm fine."

"Yeah... man. I'm glad this shit's over, y'all were right. It feels good to just chill without having to worry about shit."

"I know."

"What's up with the fire bird thing, man? Ain't this a phoenix?"

"Yes, it is. Philomena, say hello to Carl."

The phoenix let out a small scream, flapping her wings and landing on Carl's shoulder.

"Holy shit, man! That shit is hot," he said, recoiling. "A'ight, don't get too close now. Man, I ain't comfortable."

"I think she likes you."

"Yeah? Well, I like my face, so I'd prefer- AAAAH! MOTHERFUCKER!" Carl shrieked as the bird jumped away from him, blowing a raspberry at him as she lazily flapped her wings, hovering above the table for a few seconds before landing on one of Fluttershy's forelegs.

"FUCKING-"

"What's wrong?" Fluttershy asked, concerned.

"SHE TOOK A SHIT ON ME!"

"You offended her," Celestia giggled.

"Fuck! Man! This was a clean shirt!"

"You've been wearing it for nearly two weeks," the alicorn deadpanned.

"As I said, the motherfucker was clean," Carl replied defensively.

"Carl, you should drop by Rarity's boutique sometime. I guarantee you, she has quite the talent in making clothes. Even in Canterlot, ponies talk about her craft. She could probably design something for you... something much better and more comfortable than these old rags you've been wearing ever since you got here."

"Hell no!" Why was everyone everypony dissin' his Binco threads? That shit was gangsta.

"That's an absolutely marvelous idea, Princess," a haughty voice spoke from behind the human. He turned around and frowned at the white fashionista standing there, holding hooves with Applejack.

"What's shakin', AJ?"

"Ah'm doin' fine, CJ. What about ya? Yer havin' a little chat with the princess?"

"You could say that."

"Carl, darling," Rarity said in her usual condescending tone, "you should come visit me at my boutique tomorrow. I would love to design something for you."

"Oh yeah? Like what, man? Somethin' gangsta?"

"No. Something chic and fabulous."

"No fuckin' way, man."

"C'mon, CJ! Ah guarantee you Rarity makes the best clothes in all o' Ponyville. Hell, even in Canterlot, ponies talk about her and her latest designs!"

"They're all snob motherfuckers!"

"Just drop by tomorrow, darling," the white unicorn said, motioning to Carl, "I promise you, you will look absolutely dashing. And gangsta, too. Probably," she added hurriedly. 'Whatever that's even supposed to mean,' she thought.
Still, she couldn't possibly pass up the chance to humiliate him in such an original and fabulous way.

"Whatever you say," the young man said without the slightest glimpse of enthusiasm or interest in his voice. "Bitch," he added under his breath.

"Princess? Can I take Philomena home with me for about an hour or two? I would really like to see how she interacts with my animal friends," Fluttershy asked in a not so timid tone. "I promise you to be careful, and to return her to you before midnight."
She was so different when it came to animals.... it was as though the mere mention of animals could turn her into a completely different pony altogether.

"Of course, Fluttershy."

"Thank you, Princess!" the pegasus said, smiling and getting up with the phoenix still resting on her hoof. She started trotting away, somehow managing to walk on three hooves. Without even unfurling her wings.

"Bitch got some style," Carl said, raising an eyebrow. "Damn."

"Of course she does. She was a model, back in the days," Celestia said, winking at him.

"A model? That shy lil' girl?"

"Yep."

"Shit! Man, this world is all fucked up," he said, shaking his head. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you something."

"Sure. Go ahead," the white alicorn nodded, still smiling.

"Well, you remember when you brought me here? The first day we met? You were actin' all strange and shit, like you were hidin' something. Then there was that awkward meeting in your castle, and then you invited me on a date for no reason... what's up with all that?"

"Um... I..."

"Hey, don't be embarrassed, a'ight? After all the shit that went down, I won't be mad at you. I promise."

"Do you Pinkie promise?"

"What's that?"

Celestia giggled, showing Carl the Pinkie promise ritual, which he repeated quickly without hurting his eye. Not too badly, at least.

"Alright, so... um. Where do I begin..."

"So, you know the truth now, Carl. Yes, I did bring you here to... keep me company. I am not proud of it, but at least everything that has happened during the last two weeks because of it was definitely a special and enriching experience for everypony."

"Yeah, definitely... shit, a lot of things happened. And not only bad things. I'm still havin' trouble believing all of this is real, you know? I never thought there were other dimensions, and certainely not one where a magical horse princess would summon me to keep her company and shit. I admit I'm still a liltte pissed at you, but I guess I understand. Shit must be boring for you, centuries without gettin' any action or anything? Shit, man. I feel you."

"Yes, things can get quite stale. Especially during estrus..." she trailed off, wondering if she should add, 'which should be starting tomorrow'.
She probably shouldn't.

"Uh... okay?"

"Now, Carl, I must let you make your own choice," Celestia said, smiling nervously. "Do you wish to stay here, be it with me, or be it on your own, living your own life the way you see fit... or do you wish to go back to your home world?"

"Shit... of course I wanna go back home. I mean, that's where I belong, right? But on the other hand, after all the shit that happened... we friends, man. I don't wanna leave y'all forever, either."

The princess giggled. "I brought you here once. I can bring you back again."

"For real? Like, you can bring me here whenever you want?"

"You are an Equestrian hero now, Carl. You are the only reason everything is back to normal... although you also were the only reason things changed in the first place. Or, more accurately, I was... well, anyway, you obviously deserve an honorary Equestrian citizenship, as well as..." she trailed off, levitating a small object in front of the human's face. "As well as this."

"This? Ain't this the horn gun thingy you gave me last week?"

"It is. As it turns out, Twilight Sparkle had enchanted it with draconequus magic... while I would have scolded her for it, I didn't, for her little mishap allowed me to remember that it could be charged and enchanted with various types of magic, allowing for a lot of different uses. Some of which cannot otherwise be achieved through conventional means."

"Uh, yeah. So? What's that mean? In concrete terms?"

"I have charged it with a cocktail of the most powerful long distance teleportation spells known to ponykind, and I even enchanted it with a touch of changeling magic, to make sure that it would have its intended effect on you. It's basically a portable interdimensional teleporter."

"What? For real? And how the hell does it even work?"

"It's simple. Press the button here," she said, pointing to the red button on the underside of the disembodied horn, "to go back to your home. Press it again to come back to Equestria."

"Really? That's it?"

"Well, yes, but... there are quirks," Celestia admitted, looking at Carl sternly. "First of all, it takes a very long time to charge, and the teleportation process itself requires you to be asleep, or otherwise unconscious. Also, you will always end up in the exact same location. In this case, if you go back to Earth, you will find yourself wherever you were when I summoned you here. And if you choose to come back to Equestria, you will wake up in the heart of the Everfree forest, where you appeared the first time."

"Asleep or unconscious? What you mean?"

"Interdimensional travel cannot work if the traveler is aware of his or her surroundings. Once you press the button, it will take roughly twenty-four hours to charge the spell. You must keep the horn within five feet of you at all times, and after twenty-four hours, you will wake up in the other dimension the next time you go to sleep. If you wish to cancel the trip, simply keep the horn away from you, and wait another twenty-four hours."

"Man, this shit's a whole new level of weird."

"So, do you want to go home, Carl?"

"Yeah, but... I think I'mma stay here for a few days, you know? I mean, after all this shit, I'm gonna need a couple of days to unwind. Also, makin' sure shit's still crackin' and all... just in case something else happens. You never know," he explained, before pointing at his shoulder. "And although I ain't too keen on visiting that Rarity girl, I wouldn't mind going back home with decent clothes that ain't stained with flaming bird shit," he added.

"Yes, I suppose that would be a good idea."

"But I'll need to check on shit eventually. Make sure the homies got the 'hood locked up tight, you know what I'm sayin'? I'll come back to visit y'all sometime later, but Los Santos is my home. That's where my family's at."

Celestia chuckled. "I understand. You have your responsibilities as a leader, after all. Not unlike me."

"Yeah, I guess," he chuckled. "One thing, though. I understand you lonely and all, but I ain't fuckin' a horse. I know you ain't been gettin' any in hundreds of years, but I ain't gonna do this shit. Nothing personal, I'm flattered you even think of me like that an' all, but I'm never becomin' your boyfriend or anything, you know? It just ain't going to happen. Ever."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Carl," Celestia smiled at her human friend, summoning two shot glasses full of Everfree Clear. "What do you say, my dear friend? Do you think a little pony princess like me can outdrink a Grove Street OG?"

The human frowned, his face contorting slightly as he turned his nigga dial to eleven. "Bring it on, bitch."

'Goddammit, she knows how I work, now... whatever happens, I hope I don't remember it tomorrow,' Carl thought, his gaze fixated on her long, slender horn.

"I FUCKING WON!" Carl screamed after downing his tenth shot.

"No, you didn't!" Celestia replied angrily as she downed her seventh. "We're not done yet, nigger!"

"Don't you call me a nigger!"

"Nigger."

"You're the nigger!"

"No, you are the nigger."

"Bitch ass horse nigger."

"You two niggers are drunk," Twilight stated blankly.

"No shit, nigger!"

"Fuck you, nigger," Celestia replied, summoning yet another disembodied horn. "I mean, Twilight. Fuck you, Twilight."

"Princess, what do you-"

"I mean it literally," the alicorn said, levitating the horn in front of a flustered Twilight. "Take this, and go fuck yourself with it. That's an order."

"B-but! Princess, I-"

"Do it, or you are no longer my student."

"Yeah, you need it somethin' real, dude," Carl added, chuckling.

"Me too," Celestia cooed, losing her magical grip on the (wobbling) object as it fell in front of a scared, blushing and flustered Twilight Sparkle. "C'mon, give me your horn, Carl!"

"No way, man! You's a horse!"

"Close your eyes and you won't know the difference!"

"Fuck off, I'm warnin' you!" he said, getting up and struggling to maintain his balance.

Celestia got up too and trotted around the table, wrapping a wing around Carl's body. "Having trouble standing up, you poor little thing?"

"You're cheating, you got four legs!"

"Do I?"

"I..." Carl trailed off, his eyes (un)focusing on the alicorn's legs. "Okay, make that eight."

"Pussy is pussy, Carl. Don't be one and give it to me!"

"That's right, give it to her!" Rainbow Dash said, popping out of nowhere with a fiery-maned yellow pegasus mare holding her hoof. "...huh, give what to who?" she added, cocking her head to the side.

"Rainbow... are you drunk too?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

A third pony popped from behind the two pegasi. "Shit yeah, we all are. Wanna join us, baby?"

"Soarin'?" the unicorn asked, raising the other eyebrow.

"The one and only! C'mon, join us! Four is better than three."

"Yeah, Twi," Rainbow chimed in, smiling. "Come on, it'll be fun!"

"You look like you need it real bad, too," Spitfire added.

"Argh, you all are insufferable!" Twilight frowned, turning around as the three pegasi shrugged before flying away with difficulty.

"Has anypony seen Lyra?" Twilight asked to nopony in particular, ignoring the drunken antics going on everywhere around her. Lyra Heartstrings was usually a quiet mare, even though at times she could manage to make Pinkie Pie look introvert... but regardless of that, she had always been attending every single party ever thrown in Ponyville.
She would always be seen around, sitting in that strange manner of hers. Everypony would always know that she was here, somehow.

So where was she now? She just had to be around here... somewhere... the balance of harmony in Equestria depended on it. Maybe.
Possibly.
I mean, why not?

"C'mon, Carl! Just a quick lick!" Celestia said in a slightly slurred tone.

"Put some grape juice up the motherfucker and I'll consider it."

"That can be arranged," she said, smirking as Berry Punch popped into existence in a flash of pink light.

"Huh? Where the booze at?" the drunken Earth pony asked, a near empty bottle of wine in hoof.

"Fuck no! I wasn't serious!" Carl shouted.

"But I was," Celestia's smirk grew larger.

"TWILIGHT, HELP ME! THAT BITCH IS MOLEST-"

"WHAT CARL MEANT WAS, GET HIM A SNORKEL! HE'S GONNA NEED IT!"

"FUCKING HORSE CUNT I- HMPHFT! I CAN'T BREATHPFFTTT-"

Shaking her head and trying her best to ignore the imminent rape, the purple unicorn got up and started to walk around, looking for Lyra's roommate.
Sure enough, the cream colored Earth pony was sitting on a nearby bench. With a familiar looking pony...

"Bon Bon! Haven't you seen Lyra?"

The cream colored mare parted lips with Minty, and gave Twilight one of her trademark, not amused glares. "No."

"Go away," Minty said, frowning. "And tell Carl 'spasibo, tovarisch!' if you see him. This is so much better than... um... well, you know. Just thank him, he'll understand!"

Twilight walked away, sighing heavily. Everypony was either drunk, making out or passed out. Pinkie's parties could get a little wild at times, but this was ridiculous. Carl really needed to go back to his home world, his presence had a truly horrible influence on Princess Celestia... which in turn, seemed to cause everything else in Equestria to go to shit.

Was she even supposed to let Princess Celestia molest him? Heh.
Although he was drunk, so was she. He would probably be able to overpower her if he really didn't want it to happen, anyway.

Besides, she had something else that she needed to do. She suppressed a blush and started grinning as she made her way back to her library, levitating the small horn the princess gave her beside her. Even when it came to something her mentor has said while drunk out of her mind (and clearly talking shit), Twilight Sparkle would never let Princess Celestia down.

Four days later...

It was a beautiful morning in Los Santos.
The Sun was shining, the cars were polluting, the guns were blasting, the cops were dying... everything was fine.

And the Grove Street Families were about to-

"CJ! Wake up, ese!"

"Huh?" Carl rubbed his tired eyes and sat up groggily. Where was he?

"Yo, everybody thought you were gone, holmes!"

"Cesar?" the young man looked around. He was sitting in the trunk of Cesar's Slamvan, parked in what used to be Ryder's driveway. So this wasn't a dream... the horn-portal-thingy pressing against his thigh attested to that. How the fuck did he even end up passing out in Cesar's trunk the night he was transported in that weird horse dimension?

"Holy motherfucker, man! You ain't never gonna believe the shit that happened to me!"

"Yeah, well, there's some other shit you ain't gonna believe either, nigga! Now get up, motherfucker!" a familiar voice shouted from behind him before Cesar could answer. Turning around, Carl raised an eyebrow at someone he didn't necessarily want to see in his current state.

"Sweet, hey, what's happening, man?"

"Where the fuck you been, CJ? You better get your ass up, we got some trouble."

How long was he gone?

"A'ight, a'ight, chill. What's up?"

Does time even pass at the same speed in a different dimension?

"I got a call from Woozie yesterday, says he needs us. Somethin' about the mafia or something, I don't know, but he needs us. The Johnson brothers gon' roll together again, but this thing's about you, CJ. It's yo' business, nigga."

What happened in Los Santos while he was away?

"Huh... a'ight, shit. Man, I need a shower, and somethin' to eat. We'll go later, a'ight?"

Would he really go back to that crazy pony land at the press of a button?

"It's in fucking Venturas, CJ! We gotta move now!"

Did he even want to go back there?

"Don't trip, bro, we cool. Look, why don't you go now? I'll clean up and jump in the harrier when I'm done," Carl said, pointing a finger at the military aircraft neatly 'parked' on the roof of their house.

Did he actually sleep with a fucking white immortal horse princess for three nights in a row?

"Are you sure you're alright, holmes? You seem pretty shook up."

"Yeah, I'm alright, Ces. Just went through a lot of shit the past two weeks, is all. So I'm just a little tired, that's all."

"What happened? I heard you was dead, bro! Nobody could find you anywhere!"

"I wasn't exactly here anymore, dude. Shit's a little complicated."

"What you mean? You been smokin' or something? Where the hell were-"

"Sean?" a somewhat familiar female voice called from behind them as the three men turned around.

Carl and Cesar's jaws dropped, although for pretty different reasons. "What the fuck?"

"Carl?"

"Lyra? What the fuck you doin' here, girl?"

"You know each other?" Sweet asked in confusion.

"You know each other?" Carl replied, equally confused.

"What in the fuck is that thing, ese?"

"Hi, I'm Sean's new... er, friend. How are you, mister? Mister...?"

"Cesar. Cesar Vialpando."

"Nice to meet you," the aquamarine unicorn said, turning around and trotting back inside the house, brushing her tail against Sweet's legs and giving one of his fingers a lick as she passed in front of him. "Come on, Sean! Let's go back to bed."

"Sweet..." Carl trailed off, reaching for his own personal interdimensional portal horn thingy. "What. The. FUCK."

"I dunno, man! I don't know what 'hood she from or anythin', but she a real nice girl," his brother said, giving him a thumbs up. "And that horn of hers? Oh, man, you wouldn't believe the shit she can do with it."

Carl just stared, pressing the button on the 'portal' without any second thoughts, all the while wearing his best 'fuck this shit, I'm outta here' expression.

"Hey, don't judge me, man!" Sweet said, raising a defensive hand at Carl's not amused face. "She's wearin' colors, dude."

Meanwhile, in another dimension...

"Sister! Sister!"

"Luna, stop shouting! I'm awake! Urgh... I think I'm awake."

"You have drunk way too much last night. Again."

"I know! I... urgh. I miss Carl. Maybe I should bring another human... or two. Fancy yourself some hot monkey dick, Lulu?"

"SISTER!"

"Alright, alright! Just, please, don't shout!" Celestia begged, slamming her hooves against her ears. She was no stranger to alcohol and her alicorn metabolism meant that she could outdrink pretty much anything short of a fully grown male dragon, but that didn't mean she could drink three liters of Everfree Clear and wake up not feeling like P. Diddy. "I wish I were mortal in times like these."

Luna stared sternly. "And we wish you were more responsible, Tia. Our subject Applejack was right, you are behaving like a foal."

"Whatever... I just... ah, whatever." the white alicorn rolled over, stretching her tired limbs. "What time is it?"

"Ten in the morning. You know we do not like raising the Sun."

Celestia rolled over again, popping more joints. "I know, I'm sorry Lulu... I-" she froze up as she felt something shift below the covers.

"Fookin' 'ell!"

"What is it, Tia? What was that?"

"I don't know!" she replied, levitating her bedsheets away as fast as she could, and revealing a young human wearing a white hoodie and a white hat.

The creature rubbed his eyes, trying to shield them from the light. "Turn the bloody lite off, mate!"

"Who are you?" Celestia asked, backing away from him.

"Huh? Shite..." the strange creature withdrew a hand from his crotch area and used it to wipe his nose. "My name's Maccer."

"What are you doing here?"

"I dunno, mate! I dreamed I was wankin' ova' sum white horse's arse, and then I woke up in 'ere, covered in spunk!" he said, raising his sticky hands for emphasis. "Bloody hell!"

Luna frowned, glaring at a flabbergasted Celestia. "Sister... what exactly did you do last night?"

"Oi! Any of ya fuckin' twats got a tissue?"

Celestia frowned back at Luna, her left eye twitching.

'What in the FUCK did I do last night?'