Authors note - Before I begin... I must ask this... is anyone actually reading this anymore? I mean, I know a few people are, but I haven't seen the usual influx of comments I typically see when I post a new chapter. I've only gotten eight or so comments from the last THREE chapters I posted, which I would typically get around 20 or so comments just a couple weeks ago. I live on your hilarious comments guys, it gives me the morale to keep writing this story.

The sequel to this story, "The Adventures of Black Jesus and Pals", is currently being worked on. It will probably be released a few weeks after the conclusion of the "Old Spice Guys invade Equestria."

On a side note, this chapter is entirely dedicated to wrapping up the side stories revolving around Spike and how much he is hated, and how no one gives two shits about him, Caramel's obsession with buckweed, and Hilter's attempts to start a civil war. Oh, and Justin Bieber. Enjoy.

Spike the insignificant little fucking dragon literally crashed through the front entrance of the Ponyville Elementary School, causing the doors to fly off their hinges and slide down the hall, hitting one unlucky filly with a lisp that no one really cares about. Not even Spike cares about her. But, Twist abuse isn't on my agenda today. It's Spikes time to shine.

Spike remembered what that one creepy talking little fucking doll told him. Regarding the bomb in his stomach, and the fact that it could only be deactivated if he could find a friend. And according to his estimates, he had only an hour before he exploded into a huge fireball. Well, according to his imagination, at least.

In the last day, Spike had been trying everything in his power to get people to care about him. He actually saved twenty ponies from a burning building to get noticed. But, still, no one cared. Hell, the ponies he saved ganged up on him and beat the shit out of him for laying his grubby puny little claws on them. Shit's fucked up, man.

"This is my last shot..." Spike muttered to himself, stopping in front of Ms. Cheerlie's room.

Meanwhile, in Ponyville's park, Caramel was relaxing in the grass, smoking a deftly rolled blunt and enjoying the scenery. There were birds chirping, children laughing, rabbits hopping, and horrible singing.

Really, really, horrible singing.

As soon as he realized just how horrible this singing was, he found out his pleasant trip to the park was all for not, for Justin Bieber, the worst singer to ever live, had arrived, singing its heart out. Seriously, I can't even tell if Justin Bieber is a boy or a girl. Justin Bieber looks like a fucking lesbian most of the time, for fucks sake.

Fun Fact: It takes a lot to make a stoner, especially one who is currently high, angry.

Even Funner Fact: It takes a fuck lot more, like Justin Biebers horrible singing, to get Caramel as pissed the fuck off as he currently is.

Sick of Justin Biebers shit, Caramel reached into his backpack and pulled out a compact uzi sub machine gun, before aiming it the fucker and depressing on the trigger. Sputtering rounds out at 600 rounds per minute (that's 10 rounds per mother fucking second), he continued to fire into Justin Biebers chest until he was out of ammo. But, somehow, Justin Bieber was still alive. Curses! Who knew Chuck Norris was a troll.

Then suddenly, Caramel spotted a large dust cloud in the distance. It was the entire town, charging his way. Within a couple seconds, everypony circled around Justin Bieber and literally started tearing him limb from limb. Caramel took a personal joy in his screams in agony.

"Hey!" A cop shouted at Caramel, "Is that your uzi?"

Caramel glanced down at the uzi he had in his hoof. "Yes." He responded simply, hoping he wouldn't get in as much trouble if he told the truth up front.

Much to his surprise, the Cop smiled kindly. "You are lucky, you know that?"

"Yeah. Hey, want a smoke?" Caramel asked, offering the cop a blunt.

"Big mistake, buddy." The cop said, frowning, before kicking the uzi out of Caramels hand like a mother fucking ninja and tackling him to the ground, slapping hoof cuffs onto him.

"Mien friends, the scum known as the earth ponies and the pegasi are plotting against you. I saw it with mien eyes. They are jealous of your magic powers, and wish to kill you all so they may rain supreme. But I will not allow that. I will lead you against them. Sieg heil!" Hilter shouted at the frenzied crowd of unicorns gathered around him.

"Heil!" The frenzied crowd shouted back.

"We must prepare, mien friends. We must stockpile weapons, food, and ammunition. We must train, and get ready for the coming fight, that I will help you win. The earth ponies and the pegasi are nothing compared to the master race. They will perish under mien boots and your hooves. Sieg Heil!"

"Hiel!" They shouted back.

"Sieg Hiel!" Hilter chanted again.

"Hiel!" They shouted back once more.

"Now go! We must hurry! They may strike at any moment!" Hitler shouted, watching satisfied as the unicorns dispersed as fast they could.

"Niggers." He chirped happily.

Spike took a deep breath and entered the classroom. As he entered, all eyes turned on him. One rather fat foal named Cookie, for his love of cookies, got up from his seat and walked over to him and bucked him square in the nuts. As he fell to his knees in agony, he noticed that every single pony in the room, including Ms. Cheerlie, was laughing at him.

Except for one.

Painfully, Spike wobbled over the desk of a certain filly with a yellow coat and strawberry mane and did his best to not cry out in agony, as he asked her a single question: "Can we talk outside real quick?"

"Ah guess so. We're on break." Applebloom responded, getting up from her desk and trotting to the door. But upon passing a certain snooty ponies desk, she was tripped, causing her fall on her face.

Spike turned and saw Diamond Tiara laughing at Applebloom's suffering, openly bragging to her classmates about how she did it.

You know what Spike did?

He wobbled over to Diamond Tiara's desk and stared her straight in the eyes. Diamond Tiara stared straight back into his eyes, smirking at him.

"What do you want, loser?!" She demanded.

"I want you to CUT THE SHTI!" Spike shouted, before slapping her across the face, then slamming her face into her desk, leaving her crying and sniveling (people may complain back this, but we all secretly want this to happen). He then turned to the rest of the class, whom he found looking at him with... respect. Satisfied that he had brought justice, he wobbled over to Applebloom and helped her up.

"You hurt?" Spike asked, leading her out of the classroom.

"Nothin too bad. Ah've been threw werse on the farm." Applebloom responded, wiping away a trickle of blood that was rolling down her nose, "and thanks, by the way. Fer sticking up for meh."

"Don't mention it. What are friends for?" Spike stated.

"Friends?!" Applebloom asked, causing Spike to almost shit himself. However, before he soiled himself, Applebloom leaned forward and pecked him on the lips.

"Wha-?" Spike began to ask, before Applebloom hushed him.

"Ah'd be willin to consider us more than friend, Spikey-wikey." Applebloom stated, "come see me after school, all right?"

After Applebloom trotted back into the classroom with a spring in her step, and the paramedics carried the bleeding Diamond Tiara out of the classroom, Spike felt the bomb in his stomach deactivate.

Then he realized what just happened. He didn't make a friend, he just got his first girlfriend.

IMPOSSIBRU!