You know, that shitty Aerosmith song would be really appropriate right now.

You pull out your trusty flask and lightly shake it. Damn, almost empty, but oh well, down the hatch! You knock back the remainder of its contents, then discard the flask, put on your comically oversized sunglasses (A welcoming gift; Thanks, Pinkie!) and deposit yourself in the beach chair conveniently set up nearby.

Such a nice day to be out here, enjoying the warm breeze from the Golden Oaks Library's topmost balcony. You can almost tune out the screams of the panicking ponies below. The sound of the giant meteor currently shredding Equestria's atmosphere from above is a bit harder to ignore.

“This is all your fault, you know.”

You sit up, indignantly remove your sunglasses and glare at the purple pony standing beside you.

“How in the hell is this in any way my fault? Do I look like I can do fucking magic, much less summon giant fucking meteors whenever I please?! I seem to remember you were the one who cracked open that forbidden tome and started jizzing sparks and eldritch runes everywhere from your horn!”

She stomps a hoof. “And I wouldn't have had to do that if you had just been cooperative! You outright refused every item on the list! Every single one!”

“Well I'm sorry if I don't see how me putting my dick in your ass or forcing me to drink pony milk from the tap is necessary for a 'cultural exchange'!”

Twilight gasps and rears back as if she'd been slapped. “It's absolutely necessary! Extremely necessary! Princess Celestia and the professors at the Canterlot University Primatology Department demand only the best, most rigorously documented observational data! I am NOT turning in incomplete or inaccurate results, and how else do you expect me to report how the human-pony body temperature difference affects the sensation of anal intercourse or how much suction a human mouth can produce when suckling a pony teat unless we experiment?!”

You sigh and facepalm, shifting your fingers a bit to peer at the little egghead from between them. Her mane's messed up beyond belief, her little lab coat is shredded and stained from an explosion, her cheeks are red and puffed out, and she's got that cute look of annoyance on her face as she gazes at an interesting spot on the ground. Even despite all of this it's tough to stay mad at her.

“You know what... I don't even care anymore. C'mon, let's sit back and enjoy the end of the world together, Twilight.”

You reach down, pick her up and set her on your lap. Her cheeks turn an even deeper red than the doomsday meteor above as you calmly begin to stroke her mane.

“Th-The world's not going to end, Anon. Princess Celestia will come and fix everything like she always does.”

She gulps. “I hope.”

Earlier That Morning...

Man, you hate Thursdays. It's a well-known fact.

Actually, it’s such a well-known fact that it's become a running joke in the daily comic strip about you in the Foal Free Press. You take a sip of your coffee, turn the page of today's issue and sure enough, there it is.

Title: 'Anonymous' by Jim Rettulf (Fucking authors and their pseudonyms...)
Panel 1: You're sleeping in your cute human bed with the covers over you. There's a calendar on the wall that says today is Thursday.
Panel 2: You wake up and look at the calendar.
Panel 3: You look at the reader and say: 'Man, I hate Thursdays'.

You turn when you hear laughter coming from ponies at a nearby table at the cafe where you're having breakfast and you notice they have a copy of the paper opened to the comics page as well. For some reason, this comic is wildly popular and has a syndication contract for 40+ years of strips, merchandising, and a few movie deals.

You sigh and finish off your coffee. Just another unexplainable aspect of magical horse land, you guess. Gathering your paper, you leave a few bits on the table and step out into the overcast Ponyville streets.

There's a reason you hate Thursdays. Her name is Twilight Sparkle and she's a miniature purple horse.

As part of your naturalization as a citizen of Equestria, Princess Celestia requested that you spend some time each Thursday with Twilight, merely talking about whatever came to mind between the two of you. She must've figured it would help you adapt to your new home, and learning from you would expand her prized student's horizons even further. Win-win, right?

Unfortunately she forgot her little unicorn protégé is a huge autist. These sessions have been torture, with Twilight obsessively attempting to extract and record information about you and your world as well as perform various retarded and/or painful experiments on you. Not to mention the rape attempts. At first it was kind of innocent, with things like her asking to see your genitals so she could document them for some kind of scientific journal, but since Fluttershy started showing an interest in you, it's like she suddenly realized that you can use your dick to have sex with horses. Her horizons have definitely expended from this discovery, though not in the way Celestia probably wanted.

You're dreading today's visit, especially since you pissed her off last night during Luna's game, and you nervously tap your enchanted wristwatch to try to calm yourself. Were it not for this, you'd have probably been— huh?

It seems all the ponies in the street are staring at you. Shit, did you forget to put on pants again or something?

No, you're fully clothed, at least this time. You carefully look around for anything strange since you haven't seen Yellowquiet this morning and shit like this usually has her name written all over it. The sunlight causes you to squint your eyes a bit and... wait... the paper said today was supposed to be overcast with an afternoon shower...

Looking above and behind you, you spy a massive trench running through the clouds, as if someone took a bulldozer and cleared a path through the sky. It starts from the cafe you just left and runs all the way to the spot where you're currently standing. You catch sight of a multicolored tail as it darts back and forth across the trench, and soon enough, two magenta eyes peer over the far edge of the clouds, directly meeting your own, resulting in a surprised yelp and the immediate retreat of the cyan pegasus.

“Yer own personal sunny weather, huh? She must really like ya, Anon.” Standing before you underneath the trench is an oddly hatless Applejack. “Hope y'all don't mind if ah borrow a bit of it fer myself. Ah ain't a fan of rainy days.”

The sparkles of sunlight dancing across the golden strands of her mane are mesmerizing and you have to rub your eyes a bit to snap yourself out of a trance.

“Uh, sure. Rainbow won't get in trouble for this, will she?”

Applejack shakes her head. “Nah, as the leader of the Ponyville Weather Team she can do as she pleases, within reason a'course.”

“Well that's reassuring, I guess. What're you doing in town so early today, anyway?”

She smiles and winks. “Ah'm here for you, sugarcube.”

Uh oh.

In one smooth motion, her tail flicks across her back and launches something directly at you. You barely react in time but manage to catch the object before it smacks you in the face! Fuming, you open your mouth to tell the orange horse off for assaulting you with...

“...An apple fritter?”

“On the house. Two cups'a coffee alone ain't what ah'd call a balanced breakfast, Anon.”

“How'd you know that's all I had? I didn't see you at the cafe.”

She chuckles. “Yer a creature of habit. Ya do the same thing every Thursday mornin': Wake up late, go to that little restaurant, drink two cups'a coffee and head straight over ta see Twi, complainin' all the way. Don't ya read those cartoons in the paper? Whoever writes 'em really has ya pegged.”

Looks like it. You make a mental note to find out who ‘Jim Rettulf’ really is, then take a bite of your fritter and ohgodit'sincredible.

While you're distracted by the flavor orgy in your mouth, the limber Apple Pone closes the distance between you, brushing her body and tail against your legs and dropping her voice to a sultry whisper. “Ah also wanted ta remind ya that my offer from last night still stands...” Before you can react she's reared up and going in for a stealthy kiss.

You nearly choke on your goddamn fritter. Mental warning sirens are going haywire, but your body refuses to move. W-was Treekicker always this sexy?!

Thankfully the sound of a pegasus loudly touching down nearby draws your attention.

“Hooves off him, AJ.”

Applejack steps away from you and smiles. “Ah figured that'd get ya down here. Brought one fer you too.” She tosses a fritter and Rainbow catches it in her mouth and starts munching away immediately. “Ah have one left fer Fluttershy; figured she'd be around. Either of y'all seen her today?”

“N-No, she–she didn't come by this morning...” you stammer.

Nice recovery, sperglord. Applejack's grin gets a little bigger as she catches your stuttering.

Rainbow shakes her head, still chewing on her fritter. “Hafn seen er.”

“Ah well, maybe she's actually takin' care of the animals instead'a stalkin' Anon fer once. Speakin' of which, ah need ta get back ta the farm before Mac gives me an earful for skippin' out on mornin' chores. Take care now.”

She starts to trot away, but a desperate whine from Dash stops her. You turn to see Rainbow swallow the last of her fritter and put on the best begging puppy dog face she can muster. You have to stifle a laugh, but AJ doesn't look amused.

“Oh fer cryin' out loud, yer worse than Winona sometimes.” She sighs and tosses the remaining fritter, which Rainbow gleefully nabs out of the air. “Don't you bother Anon too much today, ya hear? He's got enough ta worry about dealin' with Twi.”

While Rainbow has her eyes closed with joy eating her fritter, AJ catches your gaze, winks, turns her back to you, swishes her tail aside to show you the goods, winks again, and then makes her way down the road back to the Acres.

GOD DAMN. You sit down on a nearby park bench and hold your head in your hands, trying to fight off the memories of the hours upon hours of intimate time you spent with that ass and the boner that's threatening to make the rest of your walk to the library awkward.

You can already tell this is gonna be one of those days.

“What's the matter Anon, you gettin' a headache or something?” You look up to see Rainbow hovering in front of you. As soon as your eyes meet she blushes a bit which actually calms you down.

“Nah, I think it's passed. What're you up to?”

She lands and rubs a hoof on her chest. “Oh, you know, going fast, taking care of the weather, being awesome, the usual. Hey, we're still on for pizza and movies Saturday night, right? I've got a good one for the feature this time: 'The Creature from the Swamp II: The Swampening'! The costume for the monster is so lame, you can totally see the hooves of the ponies sticking out in some shots. It'll be a laugh riot!”

Oh shit, Saturday? That's when Luna scheduled your dinner date together in Canterlot and you completely forgot you made plans with Dash beforehand. You feel like an ass for having to blow her off, but she'll probably understand.

“Er, umm, actually something came up and I won't be able to make it. Sorry, Rainbow. Luna asked me to—”

Oh. Fuck. No. The look on her face. Oh god, it's like you just told her she'll never be a Wonderbolt or something…

“Oh? Th-that's cool, Anon. I know you're b-busy and stuff sometimes. Luna's a Princess and you c-can't hang out together with me all the time, right? Heh. Heh...”

Holy shit Anon you gigantic asshole DO SOMETHING!! If the tears start it's fucking over, man!

“SUNDAY!” you blurt out.

*sniff* “Huh?”

“How about Sunday night instead? And don't worry about bringing the beer, I've got it covered.”

She smiles and blinks back the tears that were threatening to fall. “Really?”

“Totally. I Pinkie Promise.”

You start to do the motions but Rainbow holds up a hoof to stop you. “It's okay Anon, I know you're good for it. But you'd better be ready for some B-Movie mayhem on Sunday!”

“I'll be ready, so bring it on.”

She takes to the air and waves back at you. “Oh I will! I'd better get back before Weather Control gets on my flank. Have a good one Anon, don't let Twilight push you around too much!” She breaks through the low hanging clouds and disappears. Whew, another crisis averted. You rise from the bench and continue on your way.

Just one more obstacle to overcome and maybe this'll turn into a good day after all…

Soon enough, the Golden Oaks Library comes into view, and with a deep, cleansing breath you steel your resolve and push open the door.

Man, this place is a disaster. Books fucking everywhere and no Twilight Spergle in sight. Spike sits in the middle of the chaos looking dazed.

“What the heck happened here?” you ask, carefully attempting to make your way to the center of the room without tripping over anything.

The little dragon rubs his eyes when he hears your voice. “Dude, I was hoping you could tell me. Twilight came back from that party last night and woke me up pulling books from the shelves. I don't think she slept at all, and when I asked what she was doing she said something about Luna and the perfect experiment.”

“...Sounds dangerous.”

The little dragon rolls his eyes. “Tell me about it. She's really dialed up the crazy lately. Now that you're here I think I'm gonna head out.”

“You're just gonna leave me here alone with her when she's like this?!”

He shrugs. “You've got your fancy watch and that gem that can teleport you, right? You'll live.” Shit, sounds like he's still a little pissed at being used as your personal grievance delivery system to Celestia. But that was important!

Spike slicks his head spines back and wiggles his eyes. “Besides, I've got a couple of new moves to try on Rarity. Try to keep Twilight from destroying Ponyville while I'm gone, will ya?”

“No promises.”

He hops out the door. “Yeah, that's what I thought. Later, Anon. Wish me luck!”

He doesn't even wait for you to reply before he's gone. Fucking dragons.

You sigh. Maybe it's for the best. You wouldn't want any (debatably) innocent children getting caught up in whatever's going to happen here today, would you? That'd just be irresponsible.

You look at the mountains of books everywhere. Twilight doesn't seem to be around and you're not exactly eager to find her. What to do? Hmmm, might as well go into your mental submenus to check your mission objectives.

MISSION: Another Fucking Thursday... [ In Progress ]

[X] Primary: Reach the Library

[ ] Primary: Converse with Twilight Sparkle

[ ] Secondary: Research Princess Luna's Past for Gift Ideas

[ ] Secondary: Don't Get Raped

Hey, that's right! You wanted to learn more about Luna to get her a simple gift she might like for your date on Saturday. Even though she probably already has everything she could ever want and more, there must be something she likes - a favorite flower or gemstone or something similar that you can bring with you. Yeah, you're gonna woo the fuck outta that mystical horse god-princess, Anon!

Considering she's like thousands of years old, there should be lots of books here about her that could point you in the right direction. To be honest, you don't know much about Equestrian history because it's boring as shit, especially when Twilight talks about it, but even if you don't find anything knowing more about her would still be nice.

It's decided. Instead of searching for Magichorn or questioning why “Don't Get Raped” is a secondary objective, you decide to start sifting through the piles of books looking for something related to Luna.

You find something promising and start reading. Eternal Night, Nightmare Moon, 1000 Year Banishment, Elements of Harmony, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, you know most of this already. Tossing that book aside, you spy another open book with a picture of Luna on one of the pages. You pick it up and read the title: 'The History of Dream Magic: A Study of the School's Origins and Development'.

Dream Magic, huh? Yeah, as a human your knowledge of magic is limited to stuff you picked up from videogames and shit that crazy Chinaman Horse Shopkeeper tries to sell you whenever you go into his shop. (Though the teleportation gem and smoke bombs turned out to be extremely useful, so that guy's actually pretty based...)

But anyway, Dream Magic. From what you can tell Luna's really good at it, and her picture is in this book, so why not? You crack it open and start reading...

...only to have a magical aura surround the book and snatch it from your grasp.

“Ah, there it is! Exactly the book I was looking for!”

Here we go...

“...Twilight.”

“It's TWI—” A slightly crooked smirk forms on the unicorn’s muzzle as she catches her outburst. “Hmmmm, you're learning... maybe there's hope for you after all!” After a quick glance at the book in her telekinetic grip, she sets it aside and picks up a cup of coffee instead.

Yeah, Purplesmart's not looking too hot this morning. Her mane's messed up, she's jittery from too much caffeine and she's got some major bags under her eyes. “Interested in Dream Magic, Anon?” she asks. “I don't blame you, I am too, especially after last night!”

“What was so special about last night?”

She nearly spits out her coffee. “W-What was special about last night? EVERYTHING! Anon, do you even realize what happened... what Luna actually DID back there?! It was amazing! Astonishing! Students of Magic across Equestria would give their HORNS to see something like that and I was there to experience it firsthoof!!”

Oh boy, this is getting good. But you know what they say, more talking is less raping, so...

“Enlighten me.”

Spergle lecture mode activated: “I didn't recognize it myself until after I managed to dispel the enchantment and get Pinkie off my tail, but what we experienced was Level 10 Dream Magic... something extremely difficult to perform even for masters of the school, but Luna not only made it look effortless, she was able to continue to cast spells and even fight Rainbow Dash while maintaining the incantations! Since I was stuck in the forest, I started casting scan spells to find out what was really going on. Did you know there were no less than 16 individual spells across 3 schools that went into creating and maintaining that dream? Not only that, but the time dilation involved allowed us to experience over half a day's worth of time in the dream while only several hours passed in the real world! Do you realize what this MEANS?!”

“Uh...”

She sighs. “Dreams, Anon. It means dreams are the key to my future studies and research. By using Dream Magic to construct a dream which has everything I need— the proper environment, lab equipment, materials, etcetera, and then dilating time, I can triple or even quadruple my efficiency! I could try new or untested spells without any impact in the real world! And by pulling others into the dream, we can experiment with no harm to our physical bodies...” Cue the patented Sparkle bedroom eyes!

Twilight’s ears droop and her excitement fades a bit. “But in order to do something like that, I'd need to not only study for years to become a Master of the Dream School, but would likely need training from Luna herself. As the progenitor of all Dream Magic, she's the only pony who could offer the insight necessary to train somepony else to reach that level...”

You let out a sigh of relief. You're not sure about Celestia, but there's no way in hell Luna would ever let this spergy little unicorn learn those types of dangerous-ass spells. But much to your dismay, Twilight perks up again with a huge smile as she levitates a book from upstairs.

“Or, at least that's what I would've said before this morning!”

WHAT.

“While Spike was trying to clean up and restock the shelves, he happened to find ANOTHER hidden compartment that just happened to have THIS!” She places an ancient tome in front of you. It looks like something that Gandalf would've put into a rent-a-storage place after moving out of his ex's apartment and then forgotten about for 500 years...

“Believe it or not,” the unicorn continues, “this tome of forbidden magic can allow a pony to cast spells beyond their level without having to master them when used as a focus! I've already tested it and it works perfectly!” She rears up and clops her hooves together. “Oh Anon, we're going to have so much fun doing science together!”

Yeah, no. You immediately reach into your pocket for your teleportation ge—wherethefuckisit?!

“Looking for this, Anon?” Twilight says as she holds the gem in her telekinetic grasp. “After I analyzed the dream we were in, I used a scrying spell to observe how you beat Luna. Clever, but it won't help you here.”

You gulp and take a hesitant step back. “Twilight... I think you should reconsider this. I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure using dangerous magical artifacts beyond one's control in order to gain a quick powerup for questionable reasons has never worked out for anyone, in the history of anything, ever.”

She giggles. “Oh Anon, you've been reading too much fiction! That stuff'll rot your brain! Case in point: Rainbow Dash. And besides, that rule only applies to villains anyway.”

“Right, what was I thinking?”

“Now, first we construct the dream. Here we go!” Twilight aims her horn at the tome and begins casting. There's a blinding surge of magic that forces your eyes shut, and when you recover, you find yourself in standing in the exact same spot in the library where you were before. But something’s different... instead of a cluttered mess each shelf is neatly stocked with books, all in the proper order, with the Forbidden Tome itself sitting on a small table in the middle of the room.

Twilight beams. “Excellent! I chose the Library as our dream environment in order to keep things simple for now. And considering you're here as well, Anon, it looks like things are going exactly according to plan!” With a spring in her step, she magics over a little lab coat which she quickly puts on. “Are you ready for today's human-pony cultural exchange?”

“If I say no can I go home?”

“As Applejack's big brother would say, 'eeeee-NOPE'!”

“Fuck.”

Twilight levitates a clipboard in front of her. “Now that we're in a dream and there are no physical consequences for our actions, I think we should try some of the experiments I've been putting off due to your reluctance to participate. Specifically subsections IV.d throuh XVII.aa covering all types of heterosexual oral, vaginal, and anal foreplay and intercourse between a male human and female pony. Anon, please remove your clothes so we can begin.”

“Sorry, Twilight, not interested.” You cross your arms and fire the best menacing glare you can muster at the little purple horse.

She scoffs. “Enough playing around, Anon. I know you're attracted to ponies. I saw how you kissed Luna in last night's dream. Even if it was part of your ploy to defeat her, the enjoyment on your face was obvious. And don't get me started with that goofy kiss you shared with Rainbow afterwards. It was only for a second but the two of you were grinning like idiots!” She drops her clipboard and begins to approach you. “Look, I'm not a bad pony, but I NEED this. For... for science. I'll even make it easy on you. Choose whatever you like from that list and that's what we'll do first.”

She kicks the clipboard over to you and you retrieve it. This is actually good; while you pretend to read this stupidly long list of fetishes maybe you can think of a way to get out of this mess. You've got to disrupt the spell or wake yourself up somehow, but if this works like Luna's Dream Magic, that's easier said than done. Man, this list is thorough. She's even got lactation on here, and... NO! Focus, Anon. What can you do?!

“Having trouble deciding?”

You nervously rub your neck. “Uh, yeah, I really don't feel like doing any of these things today. Um... it's reaaaally hard for me to get aroused to anything that's not my super crazy secret fetish that's probably not even possible in this universe, so let's call it a day and get some lunch. In the name of friendship. Whaddya say?”

Twilight’s eyes narrow and her horn begins to shimmer with magic. “If it's a matter of motivation, I have a spell for that. When I was still in school, Moondancer and the others made fun of me and said that I'd have to learn this one in order to ever get a stallion. Ha! How crazy is that?!”

She points her horn at you and fires the spell faster than you can even perceive. It's a direct hit and the magic washes over your body, but you feel no different after a few seconds. Twilight, on the other hand, is fuming mad.

“HOW?! First Want-It-Need-It, and now not even my Uncontrollable Arousal spell works! You-you-you're resistant to Mind Control magic somehow, aren't you, Anon? That's how you've escaped it so many times in the past! I'll need to add this to my notes...” She flashes a devilish grin as she jots the information down. “However, it doesn't matter how strong your resistance is. With the power of this Tome I can overcome it. I... I could probably even move the stars themselves, just like your precious Luna! I'll prove it to you!!”

Her horn ignites and she fires at the Tome again, this time using an intense amount of magical power. The ancient book shines, then starts feeding back energy into her horn, causing her eyes blaze with magical light and runes to begin to project all across the walls of the library. Then, with a deafening crack and explosion, the flow of magic suddenly ceases and the little unicorn collapses.

“Twilight!”

You rush over to her, but she's nearly back on her hooves by the time you get there, and though her lab coat is pretty messed up from the explosion, she seems okay.

“I'm... I'm fine,” she coughs. “Follow me to the observation deck and I'll show you...” Wobbling a bit as she trots, you climb the stairs with her to the library's topmost balcony, mostly to make sure she doesn't fall on the way up.

But as soon as you get outside, you notice it immediately. The sky is blood red and a giant fiery meteor is blocking out the sun, causing both your jaws to drop at the sight.

“H-Holy shit, Twilight!!”

“B-B-But I only meant to move a star in Orion's Belt just a little bit!” she stammers. “What the hay!?!”

“Who cares what happened, just fix it!” you shout, pointing at the approaching fiery ball of cosmic death for emphasis.

She gulps. “I-I don't think I can. That spell exhausted me, but it doesn't matter anyway. The meteor will obliterate us, but as soon as that happens we'll just wake up. That's the genius of this plan, Anon! It's foolproof!”

…And then you hear the screams from below. Twilight rushes to the edge of the balcony and starts frantically looking around. “Huh, looks like I created a perfect copy of Ponyville for my dream environment. Oh, and the Everfree forest, and Canterlot too. And all the townsponies... heh heh is that Cloudsdale over there?” You notice several strands of hair pop out of place in her mane and tail as her composure begins to slip.

“Twilight...”

“Now Anon, there's no need to say anything ridiculous like maybe instead of sending us into a dream version of the library, that first spell I cast only cleaned it up like I envisioned it should be. That would mean that we're in the real world and that we're completely doomed and WHY DIDN'T I TEST TO MAKE SURE WE WERE IN A DREAM OR NOT?!”

Yeah, she's fucking lost it. You run over and shake her shoulders to snap her back to reality.

“How much time do we have before that thing hits us?!”

She lets out a few nervous chuckles. “Oh, by my estimation I'd say... two to three minutes! Time to panic!”

Two fucking minutes?! That's not even enough time to track down Spike to send a letter to Celestia, but without some kind of divine intervention you're completely screwed.

There's only one thing to do in a situation like this. You pull out your trusty flask and lightly shake it...

The Present

You continue to pet Twilight's mane as Equestria's final moments tick away.

“Anon?” she whispers.

“Yeah, Twilight?”

“Before the end, I'd like to know, and please, be honest... what's wrong with me? Am... am I really that repulsive to you? I know I'm plain looking and an egghead, but what do ponies like Rainbow Dash and Applejack have that I don't?”

“Twilight...”

She starts to tear up. “It's not just you, it's kind of been this way all my life. Colts have always ignored me. Moondancer and the others were right! I'm just...”

“Twilight! Look at me.” She turns away from the light of the approaching meteor and stares at you with tear-filled violet eyes. “Listen, the only thing unattractive about you is, well, the fact that you constantly try to rape me and perform weird experiments during our visits.” Her ears fold back in shame and she tries to slink away, but you keep her in place with a hand on her withers.

“As far as your other quirks and habits... everybody has some. Even me, even Applejack, even Rainbow, and even Luna. As far as I'm concerned, you're a very pretty pony, and a good pony too. I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen...”

She closes her eyes and leans into your chest, and you pull her into a hug.

“...and I know, if given the chance, that one day you'd find that special somepony who would appreciate you for who you are, quirks and all.”

You feel the patter of a few tears as they fall onto your shirt. “Thank you, Anon. Even if you’re only saying it to make me feel better, I'm glad I could spend this moment with you. And… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...”

You feel a few of your own tears threaten to escape as the end approaches.

“…It's okay.”

“Oh my,” a gentle voice whispers from somewhere behind your chair. “Are heartfelt reconciliations during the apocalypse your fetish? That’s a really hard one to guess. It… it would've taken me a while to figure it out for sure.”

Both you and Twilight slowly, ever so slowly, turn your heads to find…

“FLUTTERSHY?!”

You can't fucking believe it. Yep, it's Butter Squeak all right. She's standing there on the balcony in a variation of the Moon Armor she had during Luna's game last night, though this version seems to be much lighter and suited to her body type.

“Fluttershy, how long have you been here?!” Twilight gasps.

The little pegasus’ ears fold back and she blushes. “Oh... the entire time actually. I've been with Anon all day, i-in his shadow, I mean. It's one of the enchantments on this armor Princess Luna gave to me. I wanted to come out earlier, but everything that was happening was so scary I... couldn't.”

You’re at a loss for words. Luna... Luna gave Fluttershit, your #1 stalker and general pain in the ass, armor that MAKES HER PERFECTLY INVISIBLE! You are going to have a LONG fucking conversation with Moon Horse if you manage to live through this. Twilight looks just as shocked as you are, and she quickly jumps out of your arms and starts circling around Fluttershy, examining the armor like the meteor isn't even there!

“That's amazing! This armor isn't the normal issue for the Night Guard Patrols, or even the Officers! I've read about this... it's reserved for the most elite of the elite of her soldiers, the Knights of the Moon! To even see this type of armor in pony is an absolutely amazing opportunity! It just oozes magic!”

You loudly clear your throat. “Yeah, this is great and all, but... remember the giant fucking meteor?! Fluttershy, if that armor really is from Luna, is there any way you can use it to contact her or something?”

She perks up. “Oh! Um, the Princess was waiting for me when I got home to the cottage last night, and she told me what to do in case we ever needed her...”

She steps away and proceeds to lay down and curl up into a ball. It's cute as hell but it's also NOT HELPING!

“Fluttershy, what are you doing?” Twilight asks.

“G-Going to sleep,” she squeaks. “That's what Princess Luna said to do.”

You and Twilight share a glance with one another, but silently agree not to question it. You give it about 15 seconds or so before your patience runs out, though it might be slightly shorter than normal due to your impending gruesome death.

“Well?!”

Fluttershy trembles. “I'm-I'm sorry! This is really difficult to do under pressure.”

Great, just great. You turn to Twilight, your last ray of hope to get you all out of this.

“Can’t you put her to sleep with a spell or something?”

Purple Pone shakes her head. “No, the Tome drained me almost to my limit, and I don’t want to risk miscasting the spell…” She trots away slightly, tapping her hoof in thought for a few moments before suddenly perking up. “But don’t worry, I think I have a solution!”

Without warning, she runs to the other side of the balcony and points her hoof in a random direction, then shouts in the most hammy voice she can muster: “Oh no! A full grown dragon is heading straight for Ponyville!”

“A D-D-D-D-eeeeeep!” Fluttershy immediately seizes up, baas like a goat and collapses on the ground. Yep, she’s out like a light.

Twilight returns to your side and smirks. “Works every time!”

“I'll definitely have to remember that one! But now what do we do?”

She sits on her haunches by your side. “I’m not sure, but… but I believe that we’ll get through this, even if I don’t know how.”

You both kind of stand there and look at each other in silence until, much to your surprise, an arcane circle of light begins to shine underneath Fluttershy's body. Previously invisible runes appear across the armor’s back which produce mystical blue flames that surround Fluttershy and encase her wings, extending their length. Her entire body seems to grow in stature as she stands and her mane and tail take on a mist-like quality, almost like flowing clouds of pink perfume. A phantom horn of flame appears on her forehead and when her eyes finally open they seem to radiate pure magic.

“WHO AMONG THE KNIGHTS SUMMONS US?!”

The newly-awakened Fluttercorn looks around a bit, then pauses when she spots you. “Ah, 'Tis Kindness. The insatiable lust which consumes this body when we gaze upon thee can mean no other. ‘Tis a wonder she can even function in your presence. We... we feel a strong desire to either ravage you or go somewhere and 'clop'.”

“...Luna?!” you gasp. “Is it you?”

She smiles. “Indeed. Greetings, fair Anonymous and Bearer of Magic. For what purpose have you called us away from our weekly visit to the Crystal Empire with Sister?”

You point at the doomsday meteor still burning in the sky.

“Ah. Fair enough, then.”

She charges a spell and quickly blasts the meteor back into the depths of space. Just like that, the sky returns to normal and you hear a collective sigh of relief from the ponies below.

Lunashy faces Twilight, and boy does she not look happy. “We assume there is an explanation for this...?”

The little unicorn instantly cowers and starts sweating bullets, but before she can stammer out an answer you move next to her and put a reassuring hand on her withers.

“It was an honest mistake that resulted from a misunderstanding between us, Luna. Even though I can't do magic, I'm at fault too and should share in any punishment.”

Twilight looks up at you, tears in her eyes. You simply wink back at her.

Lunashy sighs and turns away, a small smile tugging at her lips. “...You are too kind hearted for your own good sometimes, Anonymous. Sister shall expect a full friendship report, from the both of you, about this incident by the end of the day. We feel this is all the punishment needed since no harm came to anypony.” She steps away and carefully lays back on the ground. “Give our regards to Kindness when she awakes. Until we meet again.”

As soon as her head touches the ground the enchantments fade, leaving the familiar form of Fluttershy behind. She even lets out a cute little snore and giggle in her sleep.

You crouch down and whisper to Twilight, “Guess we have a report to write, huh?”

“Let's go back down to the Library and we can get started,” she whispers back. You both quietly make your way down the stairs, and once you're safely inside, Twilight rears up and hugs you.

“Anon... thank you... thank you for everything today.”

You smile. “Don't mention it. Friends?”

“Friends.”

She pulls out a piece of paper, and together the two of you start on the report’s first draft.