The phone by your side keeps ringing and ringing, but there’s no way you’re gonna answer it. If the boss wants to chew you out, the old bastard can come down here and do it in person. Besides, nothing he could say would really matter for the bottom line or even help move things along. It’d just be a waste of time, and that’s the last thing you can afford right now…

Because Holy FUCK, if you don't get this proposal done for the client meeting at 8:00am the day after tomorrow, you’re boned beyond belief. Your fingers should be flying over the keys, crafting a masterpiece that’ll knock your potential investors’ socks off. But no, you're sitting here in front of your computer and it's just not happening. Development says the cost target and timetable Sales wants is impossible and the two departments have been arguing back and forth all day.

If something doesn't give soon you're gonna have to just ignore them both and pull something out of your ass…

Y’know, all this stress isn’t good for you, Anon. You've spent too much time here lately... maybe it'd be best to sleep in your own bed tonight and come back refreshed in the morning. You can take some of this work home, right?

Yeah, if the two infighting departments don’t get off their asses and produce something in the next hour or so, you're gonna slip out of here at around 7:30 today.

“Heeeeeeeyyyyy Non-non...”

Oh no. No no no.

“It's 4:59:48pm...”

A poofy pink mane begins to crest over the edge of your cubicle wall, followed by a smiling face with starry eyes, then two front hooves. The wall rocks back and forth and threatens to fall as she scrambles over and lands in your lap.

You know that one co-worker who's really annoying that you always try to avoid whenever you can? Here she is.

“No, Pinkie,” you mutter, still trying to focus on your work. Maybe if you ignore her she’ll go bother someone else. It’s worth a shot, right?

Two pony hooves gently encircle your neck in a hug and a pink pony cheek presses against your own. One of the hooves turns your head toward the wall clock, and you watch the second hand tick by until it joins the minute hand at 12.

“Party time, Non-non,” she whispers in your ear.

“Pinkie, no. I've got a deadline here and I've got to get as much done as I can before I head home. You understand, right?”

“Hmmmmm...” Pinkie tilts her head up in thought. “Nope!”

A hoof flashes forward and hits the power button on your PC. It's been two hours since you saved the spreadsheet you had open.

You scream internally.

“C'mon, Non-non!” she chirps. “Let's get out of this boring old place and do something fun! If we go right now the commute won't be so bad!”

You stand up, dumping Pinkie Pie in the floor, and head to the men's restroom to take a leak and reflect on the train wreck that is your life.

Why? Why does she always do this? Every time, every assignment… you get this close to finishing it, and then she pops up out of nowhere talking about parties! This annoying little horse needs to understand that this is the real world and you’re a grown man with a grown man’s responsibilities.

Yeah, you’re gonna have a talk with her. This needs to stop.

But as you finish up your business and head over to the sink to start washing your hands, the Pink Menace barges in and trots over to your side.

“We need to go, Non-non, aren't you done yet?”

You recoil on instinct at the sight of her. “Pinkie, for fuck's sake, this is the men's room!”

“So?”

“'So'?!” you repeat, still shocked by her sudden appearance. In one swift motion, you pick her up and hold her underneath her forelegs like a puppy in front of the mirror, where two little pony crotchtits say hi.

“I don't see a dick there, so you shouldn't even be in here!”

She giggles and wiggles her back hooves a bit. “Of course I don't have a dick Non-non, I'm a girl pony! That'd just be weird!”

Oh for the love of—

Before your brain can muster up a response to that, you hear a toilet flush and one of your co-workers steps out of one of the stalls…

Oh Jesus this is awkward. You don't know what to do so you just stand there frozen in place holding Pinkie. He walks up next to you and starts washing his hands in the adjacent sink.

“Hey Anon, you see that game last night? It was total ref-ball for the first half; what a disgrace.”

“Yeah...” you let out some nervous laughter. “Yeah, I read about it. What can you do though?”

“Yeah, I hear ya. Hey, Linda and I are having a BBQ this weekend, you up for stopping by? Pinkie, you can come too if you like.”

She beams. “A party? I dunno ~~~ofcourseI'llcome!”

“Haha, great, I'll catch you guys later. Don't work too late, the commute after 5:30's been really bad lately. See ya!”

He leaves and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. Crisis averted. You set Pinkie down and she immediately begins hopping in circles around you.

“You heard what he said! We need to be quick! C'mon c'mon let's go let's go let's go!”

There’s no more denying it now… this is a lost cause. You might as well come to terms with the fact that you're not getting any more work done today. Reluctantly, you follow Pinkie to the main entrance, put on your overcoat, grab your Fine +1 Longsword of Burning and step out into the streets.

Immediately three giant wasps descend on you.

The first one bursts into flames as you slash it. Nice. You may be eating ramen until your next paycheck but this sword was worth every penny. Pinkie easily dodges the second one and smashes its thorax with a frying pan she pulled from somewhere.

“Hey, what gives?! It's not even 5:10 yet and these meanies are already buzzing around!”

You cough, the stench of roasted bug guts in the air turning your stomach. “They’ve been getting worse lately. Jenny in HR said she saw one chasing the UPS delivery guy in the middle of the day yesterday.”

“Bleh, that's no fun!” Pinkie whips around and smashes the third wasp in the face before it can gore her. “Woo hoo! Bullseye!”

As she celebrates, the burning corpse of the first wasp explodes and a steel helm, a pair of bracers, and 1326 gold spill forth from its body. The party pony hops over to the loot and with a well-placed kick of her hoof, she knocks the helmet into the air and allows it to land on her head.

“Ehhhh... this has a nice armor bonus but it lowers my dodge chance from 340% to 338%. It might work better for you, Non-non.”

“Nah, it looks like a downgrade to one I've already got at home. Let's just grab the gold and go.”

Leaving the office behind, the two of you set out into the wilderness. Surprisingly, you make good time from the Downtown Financial District to the entrance of the Forsaken Plains, the undisputed hot spot where all best bars are.

…At least until an unfamiliar orange mare with a trio of apples on her flank and a Stetson between her ears stands in your way.

“Anon! Ah finally found ya!” she exclaims.

Pinkie hops in front of you, adopting a battle stance. “Uh oh Non-non, this is a boss encounter for sure! Be careful around her back hooves, the strategy guide says her buck ignores armor and has an 80% crit chance!”

The orange pony makes no move to attack, but she does not look amused.

“Pinkie, if ya found Anon why didn't ya activate yer beacon gem like we talked about before this mess started?”

The pink menace rolls her eyes and turns her head away in a huff. “Because FUN, AJ.”

“Oh fer Celestia's sake...”

The pony pulls out some kind of gemstone and smashes it on the ground in front of you, releasing a strange mist that you can't help but inhale. Your vision blurs for a moment and your mind reels before everything returns to normal.

You massage your temples, trying to force the headache away. Something’s wrong about all this… something…

“A...Applejack? Where are we? What... what have I been doing?”

Pinkie still looks away and mumbles something about party-poopers as Applejack approaches.

“We're in a dream, darlin'. Yer dream, ta be precise. Most of the girls and ah've been lookin' all over fer ya.”

You blink. “A dream? Yeah, now that I think about it things have been a little... nonsensical lately. More so than usual.”

Applejack places a different colored gem on the ground and smashes it. The scenery around the three of you begins to warp and fade, and when things stabilize you find you've been returned to a familiar looking forest glade.

“We marked this lil' spot as the ‘nexus’. ‘Least that’s what the Princess called it. The other girls oughta be along in a bit.”

You walk over to a nearby tree, lean against the trunk and let out a tired sigh.

“Seems like my dreams have just become a little pony playground lately. Luna’s behind this, right? Is-is she here?”

AJ removes her hat and gives you the kind of guilty look you'd get from your dog after they'd chewed on something they weren't supposed to. Several beads of sweat begin to form on her brow.

“Well... ya see, this ain't a normal dream. Yer... yer kinda in a coma, Anon. Princess Luna sent us here an' we've been lookin' all over the dreamscape fer ya so we can pull ya out of it.”

WHAT

Pinkie perks up out of her funk and bounces up to you to give your leg a sympathy hug.

“Awww, Non-non, do you miss Luna? Sorry she couldn't be here, but she had a reeeeal important job too! Her and Twilight and Rarity are busy trying to piece your pelvis back together, so it was up to us to come find you!”

W-H-A-T

You look back to Applejack who now seems to be sweating bullets.

“Eheh eheheh... uh... ah don't guess ya rightly remember it but ah kinda...”

“She LITERALLY bucked you into a coma, Anon! Bwaahahahahaha!”

A rainbow-maned pegasus swoops down into the glade and trots toward your group. “By the way AJ, 'grats on being the one to pop his cherry! I'd kinda figured Fluttershy would get 'em first. I guess I owe Rarity 50 bits now.” She holds up her hoof for a hoofbump but Applejack shies away.

“Consarn it, Rainbow! This ain't somethin' ta be proud of! Ah got way too carried away an' ended up hurtin' him an' ah feel terrible about it!”

Dash rolls her eyes. “Uh, that's kinda why most of the stallions in town are afraid of ya, you know.”

Pinkie gasps. “Dashie! That's not nice!”

“Well it's true!”

The mares banter in the background while you stare down at your hands, eyes unfocused, having tuned out their conversation completely.

Oh god. It's all coming back to you.

Back on Earth you'd heard firsthand accounts from war vets about what PTSD and flashbacks were like, but never really fully comprehended it. Now? Now you can. You've lived through your own personal 'Nam, but with marshmallow rapist ponies instead of the VC and maregasms instead of explosions.

The horror...

The h—wait. You're forgetting something here. Pinkie, Applejack and Rainbow are with you. Luna, Twilight, and Rarity are probably closely scrutinizing your junk while supposedly fixing your shattered pelvis in the real world. But in that case…

“Where's Fluttershy?”

In response to your question, the branches of the tree you're leaning against wrap you in a comforting hug.

“I'm-I'm right here, sweetie. No matter where you go I'll always be by your side.”

You know, a normal man would probably run and freak out at this kind of thing. But really, it's par for the course for you. Instead of losing it, you take a deep, calming breath and casually knock the fluttertree over, causing two yellow hooves wiggle frantically from the hollow base of the trunk as she tries to right herself.

Well, that answers that. At least she's not able to cause too much trouble if you know where she is. As Pinkie hops over and begins pulling on Fluttershy's hooves to free her from the fake tree, Applejack trots up to you, ears folded back and tears welling in her eyes.

“A-Anon? Can ya ever forgive me? Ah understand if ya won't, but ah'm mighty sorry this all happened. Ah just get so pent up sometimes, an' like Rainbow said most of the stallions around are a mite intimidated by me, so when ah saw ya just sleepin' there an' ripe for the pickin' ah just couldn't help myself…”

You look down at the trembling and sniffling orange pony in front of you. These fucking ponies… they're so cute they could probably burn down an orphanage and it'd be tough not to forgive them. You open your mouth to speak but before you can even get a word out the newly freed Banana Hush leaps and attaches herself to your body in a death hug, her four hooves securely wrapped around your waist. She looks up at you and squees, then turns her head toward Applejack and adopts a stern expression.

“I'm afraid sorry isn't going to cut it this time, Missy! You should be ashamed of yourself! Rape is a very serious crime with very serious consequences! What would your big brother and little sister and Granny say if they knew what you've been up to? They'd be ashamed!”

You feel a buttery hoof grope your right ass cheek.

“I know we all have urges sometimes! Especially urges for hot, hot monkey dick and the delicious, intoxicating salty nectar that comes out when you sneak into his bedroom just before he wakes up to play with it, but you need to learn to control yourself better!”

Okay, that explains your lack of morning wood lately.

“You need to seriously go think about what you've done before you ask Anon for forgiveness. And I'm saying this to you as a good friend, not because I'm super, super jealous that you got to ride his pleasure rocket for as long as you wanted, experiencing m-maregasm after mind-shattering maregasm until both your body and mind w-were reduced to quivering piles of mush... oh-oh my...”

And then she starts drooling on your shirt. Acting quickly, you peel the promiscuous pegasus from your pants before they get stained by flutterjuice. Even in a dream the smell's impossible to get out.

“Fluttershy, again, you're the last creature in the entire universe who should be giving someone else this lecture. And Applejack, I'll forgive you if you promise to go somewhere and clop when you get horny instead of jumping me, okay?”

You look at the assembled ponies to see if they've been listening and are greeted with a disconcerting sight.

Pinkie Pie: Eyes shining with mischief and a dopey grin on her face. Rainbow Dash: Wings erect, mouth hanging open. Applejack: Blushing so hard her face is about to catch on fire, eyes darting back and forth between you and the ground. Fluttershy: Panting, massive wingboner, back hooves twitching back and forth.

Oh fuck, she must’ve gotten them riled up with her speech. You suddenly feel very vulnerable, and you casually start to back away.

“No. No, no, no, no, no. NO.”

For fuck's sake Anon, never show them fear, it just encourages them!

Just as you're about to break into a full blown sprint, the sky above you darkens and a massive bolt of lightning scorches the ground in front of you. When your temporary blindness subsides you open your eyes to see...

“Luna!”

She grins. “Indubitably!”

For the first time you're really, really happy to see Moon Horse. The other ponies stop in their tracks and bow.

“Greetings, fair Anonymous! We are happy to report that the operation was a success and you shall fully recover within a day's time. Magic's borderline obsessive knowledge of human anatomy and Generosity's fine precision during reassembly were indeed most helpful.”

Words. Words cannot describe this joy. Not only did she just inadvertently save you from an impending miniature horse gangbang but she also managed to fix your body! Since you can't find anything to say, you do the next best thing and walk over to Luna and give her a big hug.

Embarrassed, she blushes, flaps her wings once and shuffles her hooves a bit. “W-we missed you too, Anonymous.”

Breaking from the hug, she trots over to Applejack, who looks up from her bow nervously.

“Honesty, it seems you and the others have succeeded in recovering Anonymous from the dreamscape. As a result, we keep to our word and shall not curse the Apple family with unending nightmares for the next seven generations. But don't let it happen again.”

She gulps. “Y-yes, Princess.”

“As for the rest of you, well done, your service is appreciated. Awaken.”

Luna's horn glows and Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack turn transparent and begin to fade away.

“Bye Non-non, I'll see you at your 'You Bucked Applejack and Lived to Attend this Party' party later!”

“Later, Anon!”

“Ah'll bake ya an apology pie tomorrow an' have Applebloom bring it by on the way ta school. Sorry again!”

And with that, the three of them are gone. But wait...

“Hey, what about Fluttershy?”

Luna gives you an apologetic look. “Unfortunately, were you to awaken at this time you would be in quite a bit of pain, so you must continue to sleep for now, Anonymous. In order to ensure that you do not awaken one of us must stay within the dream to keep you occupied. Caring for your injuries has put us quite behind in our royal duties so we cannot, but since Kindness is now a herdmate she is appropriate for this task.”

Oh. Fuck. No. You dive at Luna’s hooves, latching on to one in desperation.

“Wait, wait, wait, please, I'll take the pain, just wake me up now!”

The Princess shakes her head. “We are sorry, Anonymous, but it is too great a risk. We shall return to you when our duties are done. For now, please try to relax,” she glances at Fluttershy. “And Kindness, remember to be gentle with him.”

“Yes, Princess,” oh god if her smile gets any bigger she’d resemble the Cheshire Cat himself.

“Very good then. We shall away! Fare thee well, Anonymous, Kindness!”

Another bolt of lightning strikes and she's gone.

And now it's just you and Butter Squeak.

“I-It begins, Anon my sweet.”

Yeah, it's kind of a paradox. It constantly begins, and yet it never ends. Maybe one day you'll understand what you did to deserve this.

Until that day comes, it looks like you’ll be constantly on the run from these little ponies, both in your daily life and now even in your dreams. As you’ve come to find, there’s no use dwelling on it. If this is how it’s gonna be, then this is how it’s gonna be.

You stretch your legs as Fluttershy spreads her wings.

…But that doesn’t mean you can’t make her earn it. And hey, maybe the chase’ll give you time to think of ways to get back at Luna for this.

The thought of it causes you to crack a smile, and then you’re off like the wind, through the forest of your dreams, an obsessed, starry-eyed butter yellow pegasus hot on your trail.