You've gotta admit, you're feeling good.

You went to bed last night with some trepidation after your mid-afternoon nap encounter with Luna, but thankfully your sleep overnight was dreamless. For the first time in days you feel energized and ready to once again take on this fucked up pony-filled story book world.

You hum a song in front of the stove as you fix today’s breakfast of eggs and bacon (don’t ask where it came from), swaying your hips from side to side in time with the tune. In fact, you're so happy right now that you can almost forget the philosophical dilemma you still need to ponder as to whether or not (admittedly pleasurable) sexy dream shenanigans with a space horse actually m-GRRRRK

“Ow...”

Yeah, the migraine still crops up when you think about it. Better stop and focus on your cooking.

Just as you plate your finished meal, you hear a knock on the door, and in your present euphoria you go and answer it without thinking. Big mistake.

Ah, there she is. Your favorite part of the day, Fluttershy.

“A-Anon...”

The first thing you notice is that she's obviously been crying. Despite all she's done to you, this still tugs at your heart a little bit every time you see it. A small spark of sympathy starts to well within you...

...and quickly dies as you see that she's wearing the same pair of boxers she stole from you yesterday on her haunches, backwards, her pink tail poking out of the convenient quick access piss port you insisted Rarity include in the design.

Before you can say anything, she quickly pushes past you and takes a seat at your small kitchen table, several fresh tears staining your floor as she moves. You begin to move toward her to perform your patented FlutterPurge™ maneuver when she starts to choke out some words.

“Oh... oh, Anon... I had the most awful dream last night! P-Princess Luna came to me and started bragging that you and she had b-b-bu... made love together. She... said you told her she was amazing and that you would love her forever and ever and that you’d move to Canterlot to be her royal consort! It's... it's not true, is it? Please tell me it isn't true...”

The poor thing looks at you with pleading eyes. You don't know how she does it, but she's somehow able to erase the terrible history between you with that look every single time she uses it. You walk over and kneel next to her, putting a comforting hand on her back.

“Royal consort? No, Fluttershy, that's not true. I never said any of that stuff. She did make some advances on me in a dream yesterday afternoon but even then we didn't go all the way. I'm honestly not really sure what to think about the whole thing.”

She perks up immediately, like someone flipped a switch from 'depressed pone' to 'overjoyed pone'. You even casually glance at her back to make sure there wasn't an actual switch there that you triggered by mistake.

“Really? It was only in a dream? Oh, oh thank goodness. I knew you would never cheat on me, Anon. You're much too kind and special and amazing to ever do something like that.”

She flutters up to you, wraps your head in her forehooves and starts nuzzling your cheek. It's... actually cute and feels kinda good, but you break out of her embrace when she starts taking deep sniffs of your hair.

“Yeah. First of all we're not currently nor were we ever in a relationship. And second of all, you seem to think it's not that big of a deal. It actually was Luna using her weird dreamwalking spell, she did kinda molest me and it felt really... real at the time. Every time I think about it I get a major headache.”

She lands on the floor and giggles.

“Oh, everypony knows that dreams don't count, Anon, even if Luna was there,” she says as she looks away and starts madly blushing. “If... if they did, we'd have four or five foals together by now. From all the rutting. Because of your insatiable lust for my f-flutter-flank.”

You see her zone out and adopt a dopey expression as she starts to fantasize about some indescribable act of depravity. “Oh-oh my…” Yep, there's the wingboner.

Aaaaand the sympathy's completely gone. She's so wrapped up in her daydream that she doesn't notice as you pick her up and walk out the front door.

“Oh Anon, you want to make another foal with me~? We have so many already... but if that's what you want~,” she coos in your ear as you walk. You hold her out in front of you and start stretching your kicking leg. Gotta get the blood flowing if you want to break your distance record.

“Bye, Fluttershy.”

You give it your best shot, but as soon as you make contact you know you're not going to score a personal best Flutterpunt record. “ILOVeyouanooonnn~” echoes on the wind as she sails through the air, and though she makes a decent arc the distance leaves something to be desired.

“Damn, I'm really out of practice.”

Closing the door behind you, you return to your now cold breakfast.

Despite having to suffer through a less than stellar meal, you try to keep your enthusiasm high, and you manage to be quite productive, completing some household chores you've been putting off and getting your grocery shopping for the week done.

After returning home you decide to unwind with the latest copy of the Foal Free Press. The little hellions responsible for it may be annoying to deal with but they can sure write a mean story…

But just as you settle into your recliner and start to get into the article you’re reading, there's another knock at the door. This time you actually check who it is through the peephole first.

Huh, it's Purple Pone. It's odd to see her out and about. As far as your stalkers go she's actually pretty low-key most of the time. Outside of your weekly Celestia-mandated 'Human-Pony Cultural Exchange Study Sessions' she doesn't usually try anything. She's certainly no Fluttershy, that's for sure, so you open the door without too much deliberation.

“Hello, Anon.”

“Hey Autismo.”

“It's Twilight.” She makes the trademark annoyed expression that always gets you to crack a smile. Worth it!

“Right, right. What can I do for you?”

She pulls out a small package from her saddlebag with magic. “This came for you via Dragon Mail with a note attached to deliver it right away. From the seal it looks to be from Princess Luna! I'm so happy for you, Anon, you've made another friend! Despite all of your complaining it looks like that dinner we had in Canterlot last week with the princesses was good for you after all.”

Twilight is beaming. You take the package from her magical grip with a bit of hesitation.

“Between you and me, Luna has been having difficulty becoming close with anypony since her return. Princess Celestia was a bit worried about her, but she really seems to have taken a liking to you. Part of the reason we arranged that dinner was to introduce the two of you since the Princess thought you might have something in common being that you’re both strangers to modern pony society, and now, just over a week later she's sending you postal correspondence! I'm so glad things are working out.”

Oh god what the fuck could be in this box?

“Yeah, we're... special friends all right. Thanks for bringing this by, Twilight.”

And there's a genuine smile for using her real name. “No problem, Anon. I need to go, Rarity talked me into a spa visit that I'm already late for. I hope you enjoy your gift from Luna!”

She turns and trots away. You close the door and head back to your recliner.

Well Anon, time to make a choice. You can A) Go back to reading your paper, B) Get started on fixing the leaky sink in the kitchen or C) Choose the mystery box.

Fuck it, who are you kidding? You always choose the mystery box. There could even be a mystery box inside!

As soon as you crack the seal on the box it bursts open, sending some kind of oddly colored smoke directly into your face. You cough, stumble backwards, and fall into your recliner. What was that?! Moonbutt's outdated idea of a prank or something?

You try to get up to inspect the box again but suddenly feel really sleepy. Yeah, a nap sounds good right about now. There'll be time to figure... this out... later...

“Hmmmmmmm...”

You're standing in an endless corridor, lined with obsidian pillars and grand windows that reveal desolate white dunes and the brightest star scape you've ever seen beyond their boundaries. Next to every pillar rests a brazier on either side of the corridor, each burning with an oddly muted white flame and surrounded by even brighter snow white lilies.

“Yeah...”

You look ahead of you: the corridor continues infinitely into the darkness. You look behind you: the corridor continues infinitely into the darkness.

“My keen human senses are telling me that this probably isn't Ponyville.”

You walk up to one of the windows. Yep, no other signs of life or civilization. A comet passes by.

“...or Equestria.”

Well that's just great. Moon Horse fucking killed you with her little prank gift and now you're in Pony Purgatory or something. That's what you get for choosing the mystery box.

And judging from the clip clop sound of hooves on stone and the hooded figure approaching you, you're probably about to be given your eternal judgment. No pressure though, since Hell can't possibly be any worse than your daily life.

“Ah, we were wondering when you would finally arrive.”

Oh wait, it is worse.

“Luna.”

She grins, a menacing smile visible beneath the hood of her cloak.

“Indeed! We bid thee welcome, Anonymous the Human, to our MOON PALACE! Mwahahahahahahaha~!”

The Princess of the Night rears up on her hind legs and stretches her forelegs above her in a grand gesture as she laughs. Thunder rumbles in the background, lightning flashes, and her cloak transforms into a colony of bats that fly around menacingly before finding perches in the arched ceiling above you. Well, all save for the one that smacks into your face and gets stuck in your hair.

So that's what happened. Her little gift somehow sent you to the moon. Typical.

You untangle the bat and send it on its way before turning back to Luna who's still maintaining her grand pose as well as she can. You kind of wonder how long she can keep it up, so you just silently stand there for several minutes and stare at her. She starts to sweat and her limbs begin to tremble from the exertion of holding the pose, and eventually she relents and lands on all fours again, sheepishly returning your gaze.

“Do... do you like it?”

“Yeah, not bad.”

The stars in her mane brighten a little with her smile. “We are honored that you think so. We made it ourself.”

“Wait, you built this all by yourself?”

She nods.

“Damn, that's actually pretty impressive. But did you mean to give it so much... uh... endless hallway, though?”

Luna laughs as she finishes closing the distance between you. “We were up here for a thousand years, Anonymous. We were bored.”

She begins walking down the corridor and, not wanting to be left alone on the moon, you follow along.

“They also served another purpose,” she continues. “Originally, we intended these corridors to spell out 'Celestia has an above average sized rump and should perhaps refrain from consuming so many pastries!' on the lunar surface when viewed from Equestria, but we quickly discovered that this message would be too large to fit. We settled on 'Celestia's a Cunt' instead.”

What?

“Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that the palace's design spells out 'Celestia's a Cunt' and it's actually visible from Equestria?”

“Yes,” she giggles, “the history books tell us it was quite the amusing sight.”

“How come I've never noticed it?”

She turns down a side passage and you move even closer to her to make sure you don’t get lost.

“We used an illusion spell to hide the message until such time as it was completed, in the 348th year of our imprisonment. When we removed the illusion and revealed it to Equestria, Sister was so livid that she gathered the combined magic of herself, the unicorns of the royal guard, and her protégés of the time to unnaturally turn the moon and force the palace to reside on the dark side. Though it was only visible to the ponies of Equestria for about four days total, the knowledge that it got so under her coat was enough of a reward. We laughed unceasingly for many weeks.”

Your. Fucking. SIDES! You can just imagine the prim and proper Sunbutt ranting and raving about the whole thing, stomping around the castle and yelling at her underlings to do something. You can't contain your laughter and just decide to let it out. Luna seems happy at your mirth and stops to let you recover, and you place one hand on her back to steady yourself, coaxing a deep blush from her that goes unnoticed.

You wipe some tears from your eyes and regain your composure. It seems Luna actually has a fun side. Maybe if she can get some of her crazier tendencies under control, she wouldn't be so bad to have as a friend.

The Moon Princess smirks at you. “You approve, then, Anonymous?”

“Yeah, I only wish I could've been there to see it for myself. But if all that's true, why aren't we on the dark side of the moon now? Looks pretty bright out there to me.”

She follows your gaze to the grand star scape just beyond the corridor. “Ah… this is the palace as it was prior to the turning. We thought it best that we would be able to see one another during this visit.”

You stop in your tracks. “Wait, you've sent us back in time?! Is that safe?”

Luna turns back to face you wearing the best ‘you've gotta be shitting me’ expression you've seen on one of these little ponies so far. She shakes her head as she answers, “You are fortunate that you are so very sexy, Anonymous, as your intelligence seems to be lacking.”

Hey, you take offense to that! Maybe.

“The dust within the package you received is our own creation. It is essentially an alchemical spell that grants the one who breathes it the ability to dreamwalk as we do for a time. You are in our dream, which is why you are able to so vividly experience a place such as this which exists in reality, but of which you have no memory or reference.”

Huh, okay, you guess that makes more sense than time travel. You're definitely dealing with quite a clever and dedicated horse here.

“Alright, that's all well and good, but why bring me here like this? Couldn't wait for my next dream?”

Luna enters a grand set of onyx doors with intricately stylized crescent moons embossed on their surface and you follow behind her.

“Yes,” she hums. “We suppose we were becoming a bit impatient. That you did not dream last night was a disappointment, to be certain.”

You find yourself standing in an ornate bedroom with the largest canopy bed you've ever seen set against the far wall, along with two massive glass doors overlooking the lunar landscape on each side.

“…But we suppose a part of us wanted to share something of ourself with you that we could not have had we merely entered your own dream.”

Luna trots forward and sits on her haunches in the center of the large room, her ears laid back and a bashful, somewhat reserved but still hopeful smile on her muzzle. It causes your heart to skip a beat… when she’s not chasing you around your own dreams, there’s no denying she’s kinda cute…

You shake your head to banish those thoughts and instead stop to take in the whole scene. Engraved in exquisite detail upon the oaken furniture lining the room are countless scenes from her life. The two young princesses at play... the departure of their parents, uniting and leading the ponies, her descent and banishment, and even her hope for the future, showing herself and Celestia embracing after her return.

You look to the ceiling and discover a grand skylight, or to her more like a canvas that she could use to play with the stars...

You look outside across the moonscape and notice Equestria rising in the distance. How often did she watch this and mourn for what was lost, or hope for what was to come?

It's true. She's shown you a part of herself that you couldn't otherwise have seen. This, the pony before you and everything that now surrounds you, is her.

And you find it oddly beautiful.

“I'm… I’m honored, Luna.”

Those words just fall out of you unguarded. You don't subconsciously pick and choose them like you would in a normal conversation. It's how you truly feel and you had to express it to her. It's kinda funny because that's the kind of stupid shit you do when you're in lo—

Uh oh.

No. No, that's retarded, Anon. You've had fleeting feels before. Let's not get ahead ourselves here. We've got a long way to go before we reach true horsefucker status.

And then the genuine smile she shows you in response to your words launches your feel stem straight toward your otherwise dormant horsefucker lobe, and you can feel the shift as something in your brain irrevocably changes.

Luna, oblivious to your internal struggle, begins to move toward you while you remain frozen in place. She then rears up and wraps her forehooves around you in a hug. You return it in kind, and in doing so feel the impossibly soft down of her wings as you encircle them.

“We are glad we met you, Anonymous. We apologize that we may have seemed so silly and forward with you in our interactions before, but we were nervous, and a bit out of touch with the current times, and knew not how to otherwise capture your attention.”

“...It's… uh, it’s okay.”

She's blushing up a storm now and if your heart doesn't start beating again you're sure you're gonna die.

“Sister tells us that it is no longer permissible in polite society to ‘claim’ stallions as our own by our right as Princess, and instead we are now to ‘court’ them. Though we find this to be very odd indeed, we would like to give it a try.” She looks away, a slight rosiness still lingering in her cheeks. “W-woulds’t thou... like to perhaps attend another dinner with us at the castle? Outside of a dream, we mean.”

You smile back at her. “Of course.”

“SPLENDID!” she replies at a volume that almost causes you to cover your ears. “Er, we mean to say... that... is most agreeable.”

You try not to laugh, and instead let the quietness of the palace linger for a bit. She stares at you, cyan eyes searching for something, and several times it looks as if she’s about to speak but suddenly thinks better of it.

You're still standing there holding each other, and internally, believe it or not, you're having a screaming match with yourself over whether you should move in and kiss her.

She’s so irresistibly cute right now that part of you really wants to do it, but another part of you realizes that there's a definite point of no return that's about to be crossed here.

Then you think back to what Fluttershy said earlier. ‘Dreams don't count’. Hey, that’s the perfect loophole to put off making this decision. We'll just deal with it later! That's enough justification for me, Anon!

The repressed memory of holding Luna's amazing flanks in your hands from yesterday's dream rushes back to you and all resistance is crushed. You share your first real pony kiss, dream or not, with Princess Luna. And you like it.

Then, the ornate skylight above you shatters and a ball of yellow and pink crashes into you both.

“Get your hooves off my man you-you-you HUSSY!”

What. The. Fuck.

“FLUTTERSHY?!” you scream, completely at a loss at the sight of the little butterball.

Luna flares her wings and jumps back, startled out of her wits. “By my Sister's beard, Kindness?!”

The yellow pegasus stands and wobbles on her hooves a bit before she quickly recovers from her dynamic entry and shoots Luna a death glare that would even cause a Beholder to shit itself in fear. Luna actually cowers at the sight.

“Well, well, well,” she begins, pacing back and forth in front of Luna while never breaking eye contact. “I come here to give you a stern talking to about your behavior and what do I find? Here you are harassing my poor, sweet, innocent love-monkey Anon in his dreams again! You should be ashamed of yourself, Princess!”

Oh boy. You’ve seen this before. Sometimes she gets into these moods where she becomes really assertive for some reason, and it honestly makes you kinda nervous. Maybe you should— wait a minute, did she call just you a love-monkey?

Luna, completely nonplussed by the pegasus’ odd behavior, fiercely returns Fluttershy’s stare with one of her own.

“Kindness, how art thou even here? What sorcery hast thou used?”

“Oh, I just had to ask to borrow one of Zecora's magic concoctions. She can make a powder to enter dreams too, you know,” Fluttershy says, an unusual confidence ringing in her voice. “I wanted to give you a piece of my mind about your behavior last night since I heard you usually sleep during the day anyway…”

Much to your surprise, she spins and trots over to you, a worried look on her face.

“But it looks like I got here just in time to save you, Anon! At first I didn’t want to believe it, but… but… Princess Luna’s nothing but a no good naughty creepy stalky STALKER!”

Your body actually begins to tremble with an indescribable mix of emotions. You’re literally shaking.

“F-Fluttershy...” you somehow choke out despite the tremors of anger running through your frame. “I don’t know how to else to put this, but… there is no living creature, in this universe or any other, with any less of a right to say that to me than you. You know that, right?”

The little pegasus merely smiles back at you, a slight blush on her cheeks.

“Oh, there’s no need to thank me now Anon, you can g-give me my reward later tonight!” She follows the statement by wiggling her eyebrows at you like Groucho Marx.

This pony... this fucking pony…

That’s it. You can’t handle this anymore. You’re done.

“I'm just... I'm just gonna go over here. You two have fun.”

You walk over to one of the room’s corners and sit down in one of the chairs there to and try and massage your headache away before it hits full force.

In the meantime, Luna's mood has shifted from confused and slightly frightened to barely contained rage. She towers over the smaller pony, her gaze as cold as ice.

“Kindness. We must ask that you leave this dream at once, and we must ask you again to cease your advances on Anonymous. When we appeared in your dream last night, we did so on his behalf, because we are aware that he is troubled by your actions. However, very recently, circumstances have changed further still. Anonymous is now our stallion, and we have established a courtship with him per Sister’s recommendation. From what we have been able to discern, a courtship in the modern era is carried out between two only, so we will no longer permit him to be bothered by the likes of you.”

“Courting Anon…? Wow, you're a liar now too, Princess?” Fluttershy counters, her snarky tone trying to lower the room’s temperature even further than Luna’s glare. “That's good to know. Heh, I bet they call you an alicorn because of all those dicks you constantly have in your mouth, am I right?”

You swear you can almost see a certain glimmer in Luna’s eyes as her lips turn up in a smile for a brief moment as she stares the little pegasus down.

“You speak bold words to your Princess, Bearer of Kindness. To what extent are you willing to defend them?”

“It’s…” Fluttershy squeaks, her resolve faltering in the face of Luna’s intimidating presence. She glances back to you once, then squares her shoulders and looks back to the alicorn. “It’s his decision who he loves. B-But until he’s married and I know he’s happy, I w-won’t stop… fighting for him…”

The Princess of the Night smiles once again, the sparks of anger arcing between them almost visible in the air now.

You simply shake your head at the sight. This is unbelievable. These two are seriously about to fight over you. With fisticuffs. Er, hoofticuffs. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

But still, you're a guy, and the fact that a catfight's about to break out triggers some sort of primal, instinctive reaction in you. You really, really want to meow and make a claw gesture with your hands, but it doesn't seem appropriate since these are horses, not cats.

So after some consideration, you do what you think is the equivalent:

You neigh, snort, and stomp your foot.

And both Fluttershy and Luna stop dead in their tracks.

All sound ceases, and they slowly, ever so slowly, turn toward you.

“A... Anonymous...”

“Anon, you...”

“In all our thousands of years...”

“You... you want...”

“Never has a stallion been brazen enough...”

“You want—”

“To ever do such a thing in our presence...”

The two ponies slowly advance on you. Fluttershy looks like she’s about to faint, while you’re entranced by Luna’s cold, calculating eyes.

Yeah, you’re dead now. There’s no question. You stand from your chair and back away, but they keep following, never stopping.

It’s so quiet now you could hear a pin drop, and then Luna’s voice echoes through the large room once more.

“To use the most ancient, primal mating signal of ponykind, that of a stallion who claims a mare as his, and to direct it at ourself and Kindness both... to claim us as your herd...”

“I-I'm yours, Anon~!” Fluttershy swoons.

Luna locks eyes with you again, and you can see a spark of lust behind them that causes a chill to run down your spine.

“Such boldness... such pure, unrestrained audacity... should be rewarded. Sister may claim modern ‘courtship’ is between two… but if thy desire is for the old ways, we shall not disagree nor deny thee...”

And… suddenly death doesn’t seem so bad. In fact, it might be preferable.

The two mares pounce at you in unison, and you brace yourself for what’s to come. But before they can make contact, your body suddenly becomes transparent and the two lust-crazed ponies pass right through you, crashing into each other in a heap on the floor.

“P-Princess, what's happening?” Fluttershy asks, still a bit dazed from the crash.

“Anonymous is being pulled from the dream,” Luna replies, tapping a hoof to her chin. “Though this is vexing to us as the magic that brought him here should not allow him to wake until we deem it time...”

She ponders for moment before perking up in realization.

“…Unless he is receiving some sort of excessive stimulus in the waking world.”

Wait, what?

You slowly open your eyes and the ceiling of your plain old living room comes into focus. That… that was a close one. It’s tough to process what exactly happened in that dream, but you get the impression that you’ve somehow avoided a terrible fate, and you've never been happier to be awake and in the safety of your small Ponyville home in the entirety of your (admittedly brief) time here in Horseland.

The recliner's been pitched back. It's nice that you happened to collapse somewhere so comfy, and you definitely feel well rested, but you’d better get to work on dinner. Judging from the position of the sun outside, you've probably been out for a while.

Yet when you attempt to fold up the recliner it strangely doesn’t budge, and you quickly discover you can't move at all.

“Ah, yer finally awake!” a smiling orange horse wearing a stylish country Stetson says as she appears in your field of vision. “Ah can't believe my luck! Ah came over to borrow a cup'a sugar and ended up findin' a big ol' sugarcube layin' here just waitin' fer me!”

It's Apple Pone, and it looks like she's got you tied to the chair for some reason. On the list of weird stuff that’s happened today, this really doesn’t rank all that high, but you feel compelled to ask the obvious question anyway:

“So, uh… what’re you doing?”

Applejack chuckles. “Makin’ sure ya can’t run off.”

Oh.

“Uh… can I ask why?”

She huffs and rolls her eyes. “Anon, ah swear, you’re thicker than molasses in winter sometimes. But that’s all right… ah’ve come ta accept that part’a ya. Ah finally realized that you were never gonna pick up on any of my hints, so ah figured ah’d just show ya what ah want instead.”

Hoping against hope, you test the ropes and they hold firm. You’d expect nothing less from Applejack— she doesn't do anything half-assed.

And speaking of asses, one amazing apple-ass is hovering right above you. Normally you'd be terrified, but the rewiring of your brain in the dream seems to have followed you into the real world too, and now you’re not sure what to think.

But hey, look on the bright side… maybe… maybe this is still a dream?

“Any last words, darlin'?”

“I... I want to get off Ms. Jacqueline Apple's Wild Ride.”

Applejack swishes her tail and laughs. “Oh sugarcube, as ya can see, yer safety restraint is already in the lowered and locked position. Ah'm afraid it won't be lifted till the ride's over.” She flashes you a sly smile. “But don't you worry none, there'll be plenty of gettin' off fer the both of us between now and then...”

Nope, it’s definitely not a dream, it’s a goddamn nightmare.

And thus ended your pony virginity. You had a good run.

It was just a matter of time, you suppose. With all of the attempts, eventually one of them would succeed. If someone asked you this morning if you thought it’d be Applejack of all ponies, after tying you down to your expensive and probably-about-to-be-ruined recliner, you would’ve laughed it off.

But as you’ve come to find, life is full of surprises. Horrible, horrible surprises.

As you feel the farmpony’s weight center on top of you and the scent of her enthusiasm reaches your nostrils and fills your senses, a single thought echoes in your mind:

It could always be worse. At least she’s not wearing a penguin costume.