Tap, tap, tap, tap.

You yawn as your fingers drum the sanded and polished surface of the custom Louisville Slugger you carved out of a tree branch.

The treated wood feels good in your hands. Size, weight, balance… it’s all perfect. It truly is a well-made piece of equipment, especially for an amateur. You could probably hit a mean homer in an actual game with this thing, and the thought of it almost causes you to crack a smile.

Yeah, it’s too bad these little talking horses don’t play baseball. They probably don’t even know what it is, and you really have no intention of getting a league together. Well, not at the moment, anyway.

You chuckle. A baseball bat that’ll never be used to play the game… to a sentimental type, the idea might be seen as tragic in a way. After all, they’d see it as an object that’ll never fulfill the purpose for which it was made.

But to you? That couldn’t be further from the truth. Yeah, this is a bat, but it was never meant to play baseball. You carved it, through painstaking effort, for the sole purpose of dissuading these overeager little ponies from trying to get into your pants. So far it’s done a good job, since they usually scamper off when they see it.

Usually.

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

The act of tapping your fingers in a steady rhythm is calming. It’s something to focus on… something to take your mind off the situation and stop yourself from asking pointless questions. You’ve wasted too many hours pondering the ‘how’s and ‘why’s and trying to make sense of it, and it’s led absolutely nowhere.

Are these mares all crazy? Does it have to do with pheromones? Is there something in the water? Are you just that naturally attractive to marshmallow horses? You don’t really give a shit at this point. It just is, and you have to deal with it. This is your life now, and no matter how much you scream to the heavens, or more specifically to that big white horse with the crown and the crazy aurora hair that supposedly runs the place, apparently it’s not gonna change.

Welcome to Magical Horse Land, Anonymous the Human, where each day brings a fresh cornucopia of new and interesting horrors to taste.

Okay, yeah, you were being a bit melodramatic with that last line. Things were weird and uncomfortable at first, sure, but your Slugger evened out the playing field. Though you know you’d never be able to bring yourself to actually hurt the adorable little pests, just having it around was enough to persuade all but your most dedicated stalkers to think twice about bothering you. There were a couple of weeks last month that were even downright peaceful!

It didn’t last, though. It never does.

Right on time, you hear the expected knock at your door. With another yawn, you set the bat aside and stand up to answer it. You won’t need it here, as it was never enough to scare this particular little horse off. Somehow, she’s always able to tell that you aren’t serious when you wave it at her.

The door opens, and there she is. Standing on your front porch, eyes shining with hope and anticipation as always, is your #1 fan, Banana Hush. And this time she’s dressed in a penguin costume.

“Um… I know you don’t like ponies, but… I was thinking… maybe you might like other animals instead. Anon, are penguins your fetish?”

Well… it could be worse. It could be much worse, so it looks like you got off easy this time. You bring a hand to your face and rub your eyes.

“No, Fluttershy, penguins aren’t my fetish.”

She droops slightly, causing the stupid-looking costume to sag, and the sight of it almost pulls a laugh from you.

“Oh. Are you sure? I can be a good penguin. I… I could even ‘explore your glacial cavern’, if you want. I don’t mind. It’s really not a problem at all…” She flaps her little penguin flippers while wiggling her eyebrows at you.

“Fluttershy, what does that even mean? Is it supposed to be some kind of innuendo or something?”

She cowers slightly. “Um… m-maybe…?”

Yeah, either she has no clue herself or it’s something too horrendous for even her to say out loud, and you’re not gonna try to figure out which is the case. You shake your head and reply as yet another yawn slips out.

“Go home, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, okay.”

She turns and begins to waddle away, a very un-penguin-like long pink tail trailing behind her from the costume’s back.

Every day. Every goddamn day, she shows up and does shit like this. Sometimes she’ll try to guess your secret fetish in a misguided attempt to win your affection. Sometimes she’ll set up a poorly conceived trap, like that jug of cider she put underneath a big cardboard box propped up with a stick that was outside your front door last Monday. Hell, sometimes she’ll just straight up try to nuzzle your crotch before even saying hello!

But no matter how many times you tell her you’re not interested, or chase her away, or toss her into the nearby river, or punt her into the horizon, she keeps coming back… and as annoying as she is, you’ve gotta give her credit for being persistent.

It’s so bizarre, too, because it just started out the blue one day. When you first met her, she was too terrified to even speak to you, much less timidly show up in dominatrix gear with a whip in her mouth to ask if ‘being a naughty monkey who needs to be punished’ is your fetish.

A chill runs down your spine and quickly banish the memory from your mind. Yeah, there’s no point in dwelling on it. Just be happy you got through today’s visit from Fluttershit without much trouble. You’ve got bigger issues to deal with right now, anyway…

“Anon?”

You hear her call out to you as you move to head back inside, and against your better judgment you turn to acknowledge her.

“Um… you look really tired today, if you don’t mind me saying. I think you should get some rest.”

“Yeah, you’re right. See you tomorrow, Fluttershy,” you reply with one final yawn as you step inside.

That was an understatement if you ever heard one. The truth is, you’ve been desperately fighting sleep for the past several days due to your current ‘problem’.

You sit down on your living room couch and glance at the trusty anti-rape bat laying by your side. Unfortunately, no matter how effective it is in the real world, it doesn’t travel with you into your dreams. And you know, with absolute certainty, that if you dream, she’ll be there. The worst one of them all…

Fucking L—

“Wha—?!”

Shit, you must’ve nodded off for a second there.

You stand in the middle of a serene forest glade and stretch under the warmth of the noonday sun. Man, you feel refreshed. The gentle breeze keeps you from getting too hot and the subtle birdsong calms your mind.

“Hey, Anon~,” a familiar voice whispers into your ear.

You turn to see your high school crush smiling back at you, and you nearly do a double-take. Raven hair, ruby lips… that ass that won’t quit! There should be no way, but… it’s really her!

That can’t be right, can it? Did whatever crazy magic that dragged you from Earth to this insane little horse dimension capture her too?

“Rebecca? What're you—”

“Shhhh,” she breathes, holding a finger to your lips. “Listen, I've been thinking lately. About us. And I think I want to give ‘us’ a try. Would you like that?”

Oh shit. Your heart starts pounding and you forget to breathe for a bit. You were always a complete sperg when it came to dealing with this girl. You attempt to choke out an answer but it gets lost in translation from your brain to your mouth and instead comes out as a garbled grunt.

What's she doing here? Why is she here now? Where are you anyway? What the fuck is...

No. No, you're not gonna think like that. Every failed approach you've ever made was due to the fact that you asked yourself too many questions. Not this time. With a surge of confidence, you wrap your arms around Rebecca and pull her close.

“Yeah, I think I do.”

You move in for a simple kiss, but she quickly escalates it into a full blown make-out session. You find your hands wandering to the incredible ass that's just barely contained by her one-size-too-small jeans and you give it a firm squeeze.

Goddamn, can this really be happening?

Yeah. Yeah, it can. Her hands have found their way under your shirt and you begin struggling to strip each other while maintaining the kiss. Just as you feel yourself grasp the clasp of her bra, there's a rush of air followed by a scream and she's torn from your embrace.

Your head turns to track her and you see her flying away from you into the clear sky at an incredible speed, flailing and cursing. She gets smaller and smaller and her screaming fainter and fainter until she's just a speck on the horizon.

There's even a little flash and twinkle sound effect like in a goddamn anime.

It's at that moment you understand what’s happening, and the unfathomable sadness from that understanding pools and washes over you, pulling a single tear from your eyes and a single word from your lips.

“WHY?”

“We decided we had seen enough.”

You'd know that voice anywhere. Its distinctive tone causes your hands curl into fists and your body to shake with uncontainable rage.

“Luna.”

The Princess of the Night stands before you in all her regal glory. Or as regal as she can look with a strand of drool dripping down her muzzle and a somewhat blissful vacant expression. You look down and notice one of her hooves is kind of we— oh for the love of god.

“You were clopping to that?!”

Her entire body stiffens.

“WHAT?! NAY, ANONYMOUS, THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY THAT WE WERE CONCEALED IN THE NEARBY FOLIAGE CLOSELY OBSERVING THE EXOTIC MATING RITUALS OF THINE SPECIES, THE INTENSITY OF WHICH CAUSED US TO ENGAGE IN SELF PLEASURE TO CALM OUR RISING HEAT. HOW DARE THEE ACCUSE US OF SUCH A DEBOCHEROUS ACT?!”

You promptly facepalm and begin to rub your temples trying to ward off the coming migraine.

“Volume.”

Luna daintily holds up a hoof (not the wet one) and clears her throat. “Ahem. Our apologies.”

Great, if there was any doubt before, this settles it. You did fall asleep. And ever since you met her at a dinner in Canterlot last week arranged by Purple Autism and her merry bunch, falling asleep has meant getting harassed and pestered by this anachronistic moon horse.

Again, the fact that this shit even started was a total surprise. You hardly spoke to one another during the dinner, and when she did open her mouth, you had a tough time understanding a damn thing she was saying due to her obnoxiously thick ‘ye olde tyme-y’ accent. You figured she was nice enough at the time, at least until you went to bed that night and she popped up in your dreams.

What followed was a lot of miscommunication between the two of you, but to her credit, over time she’s dramatically improved her speech, dropping her 'thine's and 'thou's for more modern terminology when she focuses. At least she’s making an effort be normal… or as normal as things get around here, you suppose.

The downside? Now that you can understand her, you definitely don’t like what you hear, especially her declaration that she’ll ‘claim you as her own’ or something.

An uncomfortable silence lingers between you as you continue to give Ol' Moonbutt the evil eye. She hides behind her hoof and coquettishly glances about, failing to meet your gaze, before finally finding her voice.

“Salutations aside, we stand before you now because we have finally identified the flaw in our approach. You shall become ours this night, Anonymous the Human.”

Here we go again… she seems confident, but you relax a bit because in truth she's about as successful as Butter Squeak when it comes actually getting her hooves on you. There’s no real point in drawing this out any longer, so…

“I guess we might as well get this over with. What have you got for me this time?”

She perks up at your supposed willingness to cooperate and adopts a confident pose.

“In reflecting upon our past failures we recognized that what was missing was a catalyst, or trigger to spark your arousal and thus reciprocate our advances. It appears that the Element of Kindness was correct in her thinking that to discover your 'fetish' so-to-speak would become the impetus needed for you to drop your foalish inhibitions and rut us, an outcome which we both obviously desire. Therefore—”

Your fetish? Oh god… has she been talking to Fluttershy? This can’t be good.

“Whoa, whoa, stop right there. For one thing, I'm never going to tell you my fetish. And I definitely don't want to—”

She smirks, her cyan eyes shimmering with mischief. “Do you think us a foal, Human? Naturally we know you shan't reveal your fetish to us so easily, but it is of no consequence. Do not forget, we have been watching your dreams. That which seems as play and frivolity to you was a calculated part of our observation, for we have been waiting for one type of dream in particular…”

Uh oh. You don't like where this is going.

“...A dream that has finally come this night. You may nobly attempt to deny us your fetish in the light of day, but here you cannot hide from your own nature. You have already revealed it to us in your interactions with the she-ape.”

You're starting to sweat. She's bullshitting right? There's no way she...

Luna turns her back to you, her tail swaying and shimmering with the light of countless stars, the dual crescent moons on her impressive flanks visible through the more transparent outer bands.

“We must admit, we can only offer you the second greatest posterior in Equestria. In this too we are outmatched by our Sister. It is a grand mystery of the cosmos as to how she's able to shove so many cakes into her gullet each day and still maintain her proportions in all the right places...”

She's blushing now as she begins to back up toward you. You take a step back in response. Did it just get hot in here?

“But even still, we shall not be matched by a mortal pony. Not by Kindness, not by Honesty, not by Loyalty, Generosity, Laughter or Magic. We can provide what they cannot. This shall be worth your while, Anonymous the Human, for you are an 'ass man', are you not?”

She's got you. You're trembling now. With each word she's stepped toward you, and you've backed up in kind. The scenery around you begins to melt away, much like whatever’s left of your composure. Before you know it, you find yourself in a barn stall, trapped against the far wall by Luna's impressive hindquarters.

“You should be grateful, human,” she whispers. “Countless stallions of ages past have dreamt of and perished without ever knowing what you are about to experience.”

Alright, this has been a cute attempt, but it's time to get the fuck out of here. Her moonbutt may have you trapped against the wall but she's still a fair bit smaller than you, so a good shove ought to be enough to dislodge her and make your escape. After that, there’ll probably be a Benny Hill-style chase and then you’ll wake up and everything’ll be okay and you can dunk your head in a bucket of bleach so that you won’t have to remember this ever happened.

Yep, it’s time leave. You place your hands upon her flanks atop her cutie marks and begin to apply pressure. Then several things happen at once.

You realize she's a lot stronger than she looks and you can't easily move her.

She moans, shudders, and increases the pressure she's exerting on your crotch.

Your hands sink into her flesh, and you goddamn near cream yourself right then and there.

The firmness, the give, the texture... it's in a word, godly. No woman you've been with has ever anywhere remotely compared to this. To your horror, you find you're no longer trying to push her away, and instead begin kneading those glorious flanks.

What... what the fuck is happening?!

Luna's tail begins to swish from side to side in happiness, rising all the while. It passes over you, or maybe more accurately through you, and it's like simultaneously swimming in a perfectly cool stream and breathing the crisp air of a starlit autumn night.

“Yes... those hands... they are exactly as we imagined~!”

Her volume begins to rise with her excitement and the grinding has been doubled. Her enthusiasm is infectious and you begin instinctively meeting her occasional thrusts despite the fact that your pants are still on.

Your mind has stopped working at this point. It's been ages since you've gotten any release with the constant advances of Fluttershy and her annoying little horse friends making your every waking moment hell. No, you need this. It's a dream anyway and it's right here in front of you; just fucking go with it.

Maybe that's why the sight of the needy pony in front of you doesn't turn your stomach right now. Maybe that's why you give into temptation and pull your hand from one of those glorious flanks to jam two fingers in…

“H-H-H-HUZZAH~!!”

Luna screams as her orgasm hits. Her wings shoot out straight and stiff as boards and sparks fly from her horn. The friction of her spasming ass on your crotch sends you over the edge as well and you grab onto her hindquarters as hard as you can while you ride your own orgasm out. The two of you collapse in a heap on the barn floor, glassy-eyed and panting.

Though you don’t notice the scenery around you starting to fade away and melt to white, Luna picks up on it immediately as she recovers.

“Ah... it... it appears as though the dream is ending. 'Tis... a shame that we could not experience true penetration this night, but there will be more dreams, and with them more opportunities...”

Speaking of opportunities, since you're too wiped out to move she leans down and plants a sloppy horse kiss on your forehead. You're slightly less disgusted by this than you imagined you'd be.

“Thou wert wonderful, Anonymous the Human. We look forward to more such endeavors with thee in the future...”

As you close your eyes, the thought of how soft her coat felt to your touch flutters through your mind.

“FUCK!!!!!”

You bolt awake on the couch, gasping for breath. The bat by your side rolls off the seat and falls to the floor with a clatter, shocking you and jumpstarting your fried brain. With a glance around, you notice the sun has started to set outside, so a good amount of time must’ve passed...

“Just a dream...”

Your breathing starts to regulate as you calm down. It was just a dream. Everything's fine. Everything's going to be okay. There's an uncomfortable gooey sensation in your pants.

“God dammit, I can't believe this.”

You quickly remove your pants and other clothes and head upstairs for a shower to clean up.

In the shower you begin to philosophize about your current predicament. This doesn't make you a horsefucker, right? It's not like it actually happened in the real world, so...

Ouch. There's that migraine again. You resolve to not think about it for a while.

As you step out of the shower you hear a crash from downstairs. You rush toward the sound, and… yep, it appears as though Fluttershy has broken your window and now has her face buried in the messy boxers you left on the floor. She lifts her head when she hears you enter the room, one eye peering out at you from one of the leg holes.

“Oh... hi there... um... it's... it's not what it looks like?” She smiles and squees in an attempt to look as innocent as possible.

Making sure the towel is secure around your waist, you pick her up by the scruff of her neck and start dragging her outside toward the river that flows by your house. You thought you got off easy today, but she was probably just waiting for you to fall asleep so she could steal more of your underwear. Fucking Fluttershy…

Like most days, you launch her like a missile toward the river, but this time she actually decides to use her wings to stop her descent before she hits the water. The little pegasus holds the boxers close to her chest and you can see a deep blush forming on her cheeks as she flutters about.

“Um... I'll just be keeping these, if that's okay with you. Have a nice evening…”

And with that she flies off toward her cottage to do god knows what.

You sigh in defeat. Another pair of underwear lost. At this rate you'll need to go see Squiggletail to get more, and probably get groped again because she 'misplaced your measurements, darling'.

All in all, you've lost some undies and gained some really conflicted feelings about horse ass.

Just another normal day in Equestria.