After Alucard had left, apparently to buy his Trojans, Fluttershy turned her attention to the new body she’d found herself in. It was definitely an adjustment.

There was a mirror on the bedside table and Fluttershy grappled with it for a moment, struggling to get her fingers to obey. Lifting it to display a reflection of her face, she was slightly surprised that it looked like her. Well, as much as a hairless creature with no snout could. Her eyes were still blue and what mane she had left was still pink.

She smiled, pleased that her mouth still seemed to work the same way. Raising a finger to her mouth, she explored the sensation of touch. Pushing her lips back, she discovered a row of pointed teeth featuring a pair of needle-sharp fangs. That seemed kind of unusual, as they would block access to the flatter molars behind them. Fluttershy guessed that the leverage of her shorter jaw would provide more than enough grinding power for crunchy vegetables.

Placing the mirror down, Fluttershy went on to explore the rest of her body. She got up from the bed awkwardly. The other so-called humans seemed to walk on two legs, but she found it difficult to balance. Sitting back on the edge of the bed, she pulled off the nightgown she wore for a better look at herself.

Glancing downward, Fluttershy could immediately tell that she must be some kind of mammal. A few curious pokes to her chest did not reveal why she was so swollen, however.

The door suddenly slammed open, catching Fluttershy by surprise.

“Hey, I’m - oh hell yes, tits!”

Fluttershy looked up in surprise as the being named Alucard came in. He was grinning and appeared to be leering at her.

It was then that Fluttershy realized that perhaps she should have put her nightgown back on. She lunged for it in embarrassment, although curiously her face didn’t seem to flush hot with blood. In fact, she expected to feel her heart racing, but didn’t even notice a pulse.

“No, no, take your time, just pretend I’m not here,” said Alucard, chuckling as he melted backwards into the wall, only his eyes showing.

“But you’re right there,” said Fluttershy. “It’s not hard to sense the dark evil that surrounds you.”

“Nuh-uh,” Alucard disagreed loudly. “I’m totally invisible, that means you can’t see me.”

“You are literally radiating evil.”

Alucard grumbled and stepped back into the center of the basement room. “Stupid aura. You’d think at some point after killing so many people I’d earn a reset or something.”

“Killing?” squeaked Fluttershy.

Fortunately for him, Integra walked in through the open door, saving Alucard from an explanation. She looked with distaste at the two vampires. “Both of you have a seat. We need to have a discussion. Alucard, could you explain exactly why this girl is here?”

Alucard spread his hands wide. “Dunno, it’s not like portals through time and space come with fucking owner’s manuals.”

Integra facepalmed. “This is the last thing we need. On top of the Millenium threat and everything else going on, this had to happen.”

“Sweet,” Alucard grinned. “Want to go blow things up now?”

“Sit!” Integra barked, and both the elder and newest vampire whined like frightened puppies.

“Alucard, you aren’t going anywhere until you send this pony home and get Seras Victoria back!”

“I can’t,” he shrugged. “Sorry. All out of demon summoning juice.”

“I AM NOT DRIVING FIFTY-SEVEN MILES TO BUY YOU ANOTHER DAMNED HAPPY MEAL!”

In Fluttershy’s house, Rainbow Dash was having the hardest time trying to figure out what had happened to her friend. Instead of finding Fluttershy, there was instead a blonde pegasus with funny accent who seemed absolutely delighted to not be a vampire.

“I mean, it’s not that big of a deal,” said Rainbow. “I’m not a vampire either.”

“Yes, but I used to be,” insisted the newcomer. “Well, I guess I used to be human, too.”

Rainbow gave her a skeptical look. “Are you sure you didn’t used to be in an institution?”

“Well, that would explain a lot, right down to the sexual harassment, but I’m pretty sure it was an accident during a demon summoning ritual that brought me here, turned me into a pony, and cured my vampirism.”

Rainbow, not one to solve problems on her own if she could help it, decided that this was Twilight Sparkle’s problem. Even if she had only arrived in town recently, defeating Nightmare Moon put this ball of strangeness squarely in Twilight’s court. That’s what she got for being a librarian. Helping ponies was right there in her job description.

Before Rainbow developed too witty of thoughts, she shook her head and said, “I don’t know what you’re doing here, but if you come with me somepony can figure it out.”

“Okay,” Seras agreed, still grinning.

Shrugging off her astoundingly perky attitude, Rainbow led her out of the house and took to the sky.

“This just gets better and better,” exclaimed Seras, although her crash in the bushes seemed to imply otherwise.

“What’s wrong?” Rainbow asked, hovering nearby and waiting for her to extricate herself.

“Oh, just getting used to the wings. I’ll have it in a moment.”

Rainbow stared. “I don’t know why you’re so happy.”

“Well, look at it this way,” said Seras, standing up and managing to figure out how to get airborne. “I used to be in a world of shit, drinking blood to survive, sleeping in a coffin, and fighting monsters more horrible than you can imagine. Also, my boss was a chain-smoking dyke and my supervisor was a horny, irreverent vampire with fetishes that no living soul could understand.”

“I used to be in a world full of the magic of happiness and love, playing with the cute animals that I took care of and going to the spa with my pony friends,” Fluttershy explained. “Also, sometimes we had cupcakes and would get dressed up to go to fancy parties at the castle.”

“I think you’re giving me diabetes just by talking,” Alucard hissed. “Is looking adorable just your fetish or something?” Alucard grinned, which the used-to-be-pegasus did not find very comforting.

“Um, I’m not really sure what a ‘fetish’ is, either.”

“Well, I’d tell you what my sexual fetish is…” Alucard grinned even wider, at which point even the butler leaned back a little in alarm. “But then I’d have to kill you. Which is ironic, really, even more so since I’m talking to a pony who somehow has really great tits.”

“Um,” Fluttershy stuttered, “... Is that because I’m technically undead?”

“Don’t answer that,” Walter deadpanned in the ancient vampire’s direction. Turning back to Fluttershy to help her get properly dressed, he said, “You are quite different.”

“I’m not really sure what this ‘diabetes’ is,” Fluttershy rubbed her chin with the palm of her hand, which Alucard was very, very keen to watch with blatantly far too much interest. “Is it like… a snack?”

“It’s like too many snacks,” Alucard clarified.

“Oh, like Pinkie Pie,” said Fluttershy.

Walter cut in. “Ms. Fluttershy, your cannon.”

“My what?” Fluttershy asked, falling to the floor under the weight of a small artillery piece he handed her.

Alucard chuckled. “Bitches love cannons.”

“Oh, like Pinkie Pie,” said Fluttershy eagerly.

“Who’s Pinkie Pie?” Alucard asked.

“She’s one of my friends,” Fluttershy said.

“That’s a name?” Alucard asked. “Ha ha ha ha! It sounds more like a sore vagina. So who else are you friends with? Huge LeBigTits? Moonlight McTwinklebutt?”

“Her name is Twilight Sparkle,” clarified Fluttershy.

Alucard had difficulty hearing her over the sound of his own laughter.

“I wouldn’t laugh if I were you,” she frowned. “Twilight could probably stomp a new plothole in you if she really wanted to.”

“Ooh, plotholes. What is this now, fucking Lost?”

“I thought that I was lost?” Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion.

“You know, this is gonna go a lot quicker if you just start making less talky-noises and just let me bask in my own hilarity.”

“Both of you,” Walter interjected abruptly after sticking his head back in the doorway. “The chopper is ready. Any day now.”

“I get it!” Fluttershy clapped her hands together excitedly. “It’s funny, because we’re vampires!”

“... I fucking hate you so much right now, Walter.”

They did get on the chopper. Integra sat across from them in the back. It was too windy for her cigars and she settled for just glowering to pass the time.

“I’m not apologizing,” said Alucard after a moment.

Fluttershy looked between him and Integra. “What did you do?”

“He knows,” growled Integra.

Alucard shrugged carelessly. “Anyway, so who are we killing tonight, bosslady?”

“An isolated outbreak in the Irish countryside,” Integra explained.

“Just go in there and kill everything that moves,” Alucuard advised Fluttershy.

“Um, I think it’s important that I know who the bad guys are first,” whimpered Fluttershy.

“We’re fighting Nazis,” explained Alucard.

“I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times, Alucard!” Integra seethed. “It’s not Nazis; that’s retarded!”

“What are they?” asked Fluttershy.

“A bunch of creepy fucks who’ve been living isolated from the rest of society and working on magic and shit to live forever and dominate the world,” said Alucard with a shrug.

“Oh, we have those in Equestria,” said Fluttershy. “We call them princesses.”

Alucard burst out laughing. “Oh, do they wear fancy tiaras and drink tea and talk shit about losers?”

“Um, yes.”

“You just worry about killing everything that moves without breathing,” Integra leveled her steely gaze on Fluttershy. “Everything else will be taken care of.”

“Do you mean that we’re supposed to kill things that aren’t breathing?” she furrowed her brows in confusion. “Or do you mean that we’re supposed to not breathe while killing things?”

“Both, preferably,” Alucard grinned even wider.

“Do we have to kill anypony?” Fluttershy squeaked, desperately attempting to cower behind her curtain of pink mane.

“It’s phrased, get to kill,” Alucard smirked toothily. “Plus, how else am I supposed to satiate my rampant sexual fetishes?”

“... Maybe Alucard could go on a ‘kill-free’ diet of some sort,” Fluttershy advised hopefully.

“That didn’t go over so well the last time…” Integra frowned hard, to which the ancient vampire only shrugged.

“How so?” Fluttershy asked, most certain that she didn’t really want to know the answer.

“Well,” Alucard cracked his knuckles. “I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, until I realized that I was only beating a dead horse.”

Nobody laughed. Alucard grumbled under his breath.

After a while of silence, Fluttershy spoke again. “What’s a ‘necrophiliac’?”

“It means you get to come home, relax, and crack open a cold one,” Alucard explained.

“Are you quite finished, Alucard?!”

“FUCK YOU, I AM HILARIOUS!”

“Where exactly are we going again?” Fluttershy peered out of the sliver of cockpit window that she could see.

“Just down there,” Integra pointed. The chopper came to rest beside a lonely building. Alucard slid open the door and pushed Fluttershy out.

Falling to the ground with her cannon, Fluttershy realized she was lying on her face with her posterior in the air. Getting up, she smoothed her skirt. Alucard stood behind her, grinning like a maniac.

Integra rolled her eyes. “Both of you, just go!”

“Come on, Pony Tits,” said Alucard. “Let’s go fuck.”

“Um, I thought we were killing?” squeaked Fluttershy, not sure which she would prefer.

Alucard’s grin only got wider. “Same thing.”

Author's Notes:

This program today was brought to you by the letter 'F'.
'F', for "Fuck, these psychotic vampires are going to destroy everything."