“Tick tock.”

“I’m working on it,” the millennium old vampire replied grumpily, resisting the urge to crack his knuckles through his hefty white gloves.

“Tick tock, Alucard,” the blonde woman tapped her leather soled shoe against the cobblestone basement floor impatiently. Sir Integra Hellsing was a busy woman, and she could not spare much time for Alucard’s ramblings.

“I am fucking working on it!” the stressed vampire in a red overcoat bellowed, flexing his fingers as he pumped power into the black stream that burrowed in a whirling pattern through the floor. “Demonic summoning is a little fucking harder than it looks on Pay-Per-View, okay?!”

“Um, Master?” Seras Victoria asked fearfully from behind the businesswoman, staring with wide eyes at the slowly growing portal. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Puh-lease,” Alucard rolled his fiery red eyes, giving a sharp, menacing grin as the broiling, frothing black wormhole began to quiver dangerously. “There’s, like, a bajillion Nazis on their side. You know what we’ve got?”

“… Cannons?” Seras blinked, brushing a lock of blonde hair from her eyes.

“Fuck yeah, we’ve got cannons,” Alucard smirked. “But we’ve also only got two vampires and a badass butler.”

“Thank you kindly, Alucard,” the aged Walter, who leaned comfortably against the wall, nodded politely.

“And if this backfires,” Integra scowled. “Then not only have we wasted valuable time and resources, but could possibly just wind up bringing another enemy to the table.”

“Hey!” Alucard protested, turning slightly. “There is no such thing as wasted resources when it comes to Happy Meals!”

“Cheap, grease slathered burgers are not demonic summoning fuel, Alucard! You can’t even eat human food!” Integra shouted angrily, repeatedly distracting him.

“I FUCKING LOVE THE TOYS INSIDE, CHRIST!”

They were all rather surprised when the black wormhole promptly imploded.

Fluttershy was minding her own business.

Really, that was the first thing that popped into her head when she was suddenly yanked from her kitchen, the bowl of Angel’s freshly prepared salad clattering to the floor.

Angel was rather surprised by the sudden developments.

Nowhere near as surprised as Fluttershy was, obviously.

One moment, she had been mid-sentence calling for Angel – the next, she was stumbling through the air and landing on her knees on cold cobblestone flooring.

“Holy shitballs!” Alucard jumped, evidently as equally perturbed by the recent developments. Fluttershy scrambled in terror, flailing in panic and shrieking at the top of her lungs.

Obviously, the most logical course of action.

Being the reasonable and clever vampire that he was, Alucard immediately took control of the situation and handled the problem of the screaming, panicking girl in the most efficient manner possible.

By which, it is meant that Alucard picked up a chair and clobbered poor Fluttershy over the head with it.

The pink haired girl sank like a stone, flattened by the strength of the ancient vampire as Walter and Integra stared in shock. He hadn’t even hit her that hard. The flittering black wormhole was completely vanished by this point, dissipating into the air.

Walter was the first to speak.

“… Has anyone seen Miss Victoria?”

Everyone searched about the room futilely, but the youngest blonde vampire (and currently only other one to reside in the Hellsing manor aside from Alucard) was long gone.

“Master?”

Seras blinked, dropping the carrot salad as the angry rabbit berated her viciously.

She whirled on the spot, the sudden change everything throwing her off guard. A sudden weariness hit Seras, and she nearly fainted when she saw the bright sunlight beaming in through the windows. More importantly, all the sunlight directly on her.

And she wasn’t bursting into flame.

She wasn’t turning to ash, she wasn’t experiencing pain.

As a matter of fact, it was fairly warm and pleasant.

Perhaps it was this initial surprise that deadened the shock of looking down and discovering hooves.

It did not deaden the shock for long, because Seras began shrieking in confusion pretty swiftly afterwards.

Fluttershy awoke with a blinding headache, and she groaned miserably when consciousness trickled back to her.

She gripped her head with her hooves in agony, blearily sitting up to stretch her wings.

The problem being that her hooves felt funny, and she couldn’t feel her wings at all.

Fluttershy jolted awake, slapping her back in fright.

No hooves.

No wings.

She stared down at the pale appendages, disturbed. Fluttershy tried to speak, only to open and close her mouth a couple of times with only a tiny squeak escaping her lips. She wasn’t even a proper pony anymore! That, and at some point, she had been fitted into a comfortable blue nightgown. She checked beneath it, finding more of the same pink, nearly furless flesh that the rest of her body seemed to be comprised of.

“Gotta admit,” Alucard stated from the side of her bed, making her jump. “I think I’m starting to miss the big tittied police girl.”

“W-what’s going on?” Fluttershy spluttered nervously, inching away from the grinning demon. “Where am I, what’s happening?”

Alucard started to speak, only to be cut off.

“And why the flying buck did you hit me over the head?”

“Sometimes, Alucard haf’ta smack a bitch,” he explained patiently. “Also, sorry for killing you and stuff. My bad.”

“What?” Fluttershy blinked. “But-but I’m not – I’m not dead.”

“Undead, technically,” the apparently named Alucard droned. “You’re welcome, by the way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick up a box of Trojans, because I am so fucked.”

“Do you have any idea what this means?” Seras swung the small bunny through the air, grinning widely at it as it screamed in terror. “I’m in the sunlight – I’m in the sun!”

“Yo! Flutters!” Seras heard a scratchy voice from outside the cottage, and she poked her head out the window to see another bright cerulean blue pegasus flapping nervously near the door. “Fluttershy, you okay?”

“Jolly good morning!” Seras shouted happily, waving at the pegasus.

“What?” Rainbow Dash landed lithely, tilting her head. “Flutters, what happened to your voice?”

“I’m in the fucking SUN, that’s what!”

Author's Notes:

By popular request.