“Ah-ha ha ha ha!” Alucard’s muffled cackles could still be heard even on the floor above her. “Holy shit, this is so awesome!”

“I’ll take your word for it!” Fluttershy squeaked in terror, trying hard not to be sick as she tiptoed past a still squirming pile of… something that clearly used to be alive. It was probably something out of Tartarus from the looks of some of the teeth; but then again, Fluttershy could handle even the biggest of nasties from Tartarus. This was probably worse.

“Holy fuck, that one’s spine got lodged in his ass! Ha ha, jackass!”

Definitely worse.

Fluttershy sighed deeply, doing her best to follow the trail of carnage that the ancient vampire had left behind. It was extremely difficult to avoid the… ickiness that had been splattered everywhere. How ever was she going to wipe off the spot of something that she sincerely hoped wasn’t blood off of her yellow combat skirt?

And on that note, whose bright idea had it been in this world to invent the combat skirt? Highly impractical.

Another gunshot sounded above her, followed by more maniacal laughter. Fluttershy almost felt sorry for whatever decided to go toe to toe with Alucard.

And then she realized that she wasn’t alone.

Alucard flicked a bit of undead brain from the tip of his glove disinterestedly, turning a wry frown to the side. Nearly all of the ghouls inhabiting the second floor of the (now) demolished hotel had been dispatched, but he hadn’t seen hide or tail of the vampire controlling them. There was always a vampire controlling them. Usually smug and self-assured. Alucard loved it when they were smug.

It was more satisfying to kill them that way. In part because most smug vampires reminded him of Donald Trump.

Greasy dead-eyed leeches with bad hair and no taste in television.

A high pitched shriek of terror wafted up from somewhere downstairs.

“Donald Trump?” Alucard exclaimed, tucking his pistols away in alarm. “I swear to god,” he shouted as he bolted down the expansive stairway. “If you harm a single hair on Pony Tit’s head…!”

Fluttershy cast Alucard a pleading look as he heroically descended, landing with a sickening squelchy noise a bare meter away from the vampire that held her captive with her arms held tightly behind her back. Greasy locks of unwashed hair hanged over his face, and his lips were turned into an unpleasant sneer.

“Or what,” the pale vampire chortled. “Hm? This little poppet?”

“Seriously,” Alucard crossed his arms. “She’s new. I don’t want to have to keep replacing my big tittied strumpets like they’re i-phone sixes.”

Fluttershy seemed confused and a little frustrated at this.

“What’s an ‘i-phone’?” Fluttershy blinked.

“What are you, fucking stupid?” the vampire holding her hostage with the pistol pressed to her head scoffed.

“No, she’s a pony,” Alucard answered promptly.

“Fantastic,” the bloke scowled. “One’s a retard and the other’s insane.”

The vampire holding Fluttershy hostage frowned even harder, staring at Alucard as he realized he was humming.

“… and the other’s insane… to take over the world, da’ Pinkie and the Brain-”

“Um, Mister Alucard?” Fluttershy started.

“Oy, shut the fuck up!” the scraggly looking vampire stamped his foot against the floor angrily. “Hostages don’t get to say shit!”

“Oh. Um, okay. Sorry.”

“Will you pay attention to me already?” he screeched furiously, noting that Alucard was still bouncing lightly back and forth and humming an inane tune increasingly loudly. “I didn’t go takin’ hostages for nuffin’, ya’ fuck!”

“Double negative!” Alucard jabbed a finger at him immediately.

“… What.”

Alucard clapped his hands together once.

“Double negative!” he grinned. “Didn’t go taking no hostages means you didn’t take any hostages. Meaning that Flutterboobs isn’t actually your hostage.”

“Yeh, she is!” the scraggly vampire balked. “I’ve got a fockin’ gun to ‘er ‘ead, don’t I?”

“Clearly not, as you have stated previously,” Alucard was quick to remind him. “Evidently, since you don’t have any hostages, Pony Tits must not actually be here by logical deduction. You’re just insane.”

The vampire stared at him for a long beat.

“… I like watching Sherlock,” Alucard stated.

“Fucking hell, I’m surrounded by cunts.”

“Great,” Alucard rolled his eyes as he withdrew something from his red jacket. “Now his hallucinations are worsening. You’ve probably got lupus. No worries, I can cure it.”

And with that, he blew the vampire’s head clean off.

Just in time for Fluttershy to start screaming.

“Ha ha ha, his brain hit the wall!” Alucard giggled over Fluttershy’s intensifying screams. “Pony Tits, did you see that?”

“What is wrong with you?!” Fluttershy screeched.

“Quite a bit according to my therapist,” he said honestly.

“You almost shot me!” Fluttershy stomped toward him, jabbing a finger in his face. “What if you had missed, I could have been k-k-killed!”

“Yeah, I know!” he grinned. “Erotic, huh?”

Fluttershy did something that she had never done before, and slapped him quite hard. The resounding crack! was painfully loud, and his jaw wobbled a little before returning to place. Fluttershy gaped in horror and mild fascination at her own strength.

“… Holy ass balls you get me hard. If I weren’t so hot for Blondie I’d show you why they really called me the Impaler.”

Fluttershy was immediately thrown from the floor by a powerful strike, her body pinned to the wall by the bayonet lodged in her stomach.

“Yeah, kind of like that, but except in your ass and I wouldn’t use that much blood for lube.”

“Well, wha’ a surprise!” a familiar accent met his ears along with the sound of scraping bayonets. “Filthy fuckin’ vampire heathens.”

“Nuh-uh!” Alucard growled at the looming Father Anderson, a tall imposing priest with a buzz cut. “We hadn’t even started fucking yet, you’re interrupting! Or… are you tryin’ to tap ‘dat ass too?”

The approaching priest threw a glance at the still wriggling and clearly mortified Fluttershy, who kicked vainly from her spot on the wall.

“No, wait,” Alucard chuckled. “I forgot. She’s not a ten year old boy.”

“Wha’ foul lies be ye’ spreading about my church, demon?”

“Right, sorry, my bad,” Alucard bowed his head solemnly for a moment, shortly replacing it with a smug grin. “Nine year old.”

Father Anderson drew another bayonet from somewhere within his expansive coat pocket, somehow holding a new one between each finger.

“You’ll go no further, foul hell beast!” Anderson cackled manically. “For – this seems familiar.”

“Actually, yeah, it kinda does,” Alucard scratched his chin thoughtfully.

“ACK-THBLAGH-THGAGTH!” Fluttershy gasped in pain.

“Yeah yeah yeah, gimme a minute,” he glimpsed her out of the corner of his eye. “I still haven’t picked up the Trojans yet, bee tee double you.”

Anderson stared at the ancient vampire for a full ten seconds before looking around at the destruction.

“… Ah, fuck it,” he shrugged tugging his bayonets away. Anderson then flinched, trying very hard to pretend like he hadn’t accidentally stabbed himself numerous times. “Ah hate the feelin’ of déjà vu.”

“I know, right?” Alucard walked alongside him as they left. “We can pick this shit up anytime. Maybe a museum next time.”

“Ah, now tha’ sounds like a right time fer a fight!”

“You wanna grab some blood-coffee or something?”

“Fuck that, you should try some o’ me famous meat-pancakes!”

“AGH-THAGHLE FGHLAGTH!”