I Am Not Spartacus - You Let Spartacus Do WHAT!?
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

The scent of tears woke Cadence slightly. She was half-awake as she reacted to what her sleep-addled brain said was a foal's whimpers and tears. She licked the tears as she nuzzled the foal. "Wha!" she gasped as the grip much stronger than any foal's crushed the breath out of her.

She woke and saw that Percy was clutching her and weeping. She controlled her shock.

"Your nightmare's gone," Armor said stroking the weeping human's shoulders, nuzzling his neck. "It's over, it's all gone."

Armor looked over the Percy to Cadence, he gave her a curious look. She hugged Percy tightly, and shrugged to Armor. She had no idea why he was reacting like this. She hugged Percy and nuzzled him. She could ask what had happened, after he was feeling better. She released a heart, to remind Percy of the love of those around him, and to her astonishment, it went in instead of bouncing off as it always had before.

She and Armor shared a look of astonishment, then glanced at the silently weeping figure, and they began to be afraid for him.
------------------------------

Celestia noted the ponies that Percy had requested had arrived in her day room. The whisper galleries were closed and under guard. This was a private meeting, and it would stay that way. Luna, Philomena and Sergeant Mile Stone she could understand. Fleur de Lis, Fancy Pants and Prince Blueblood stretched her understanding to the breaking point. "We seem a very eclectic group," Celestia said.

Percy's arrival trumped any response. Shining Armor and Princess Cadence were with him. They were extraordinarily worried, and for good reason. Percy didn't just look tired, he looked beaten. As if he'd spent the entire night not partying, but fighting something, and losing. She stifled the urge to rush over and embrace him. She knew the group would mostly understand, but she let his 'owners' comfort him.

They assembled at the table, Celestia felt an odd shift. Typically, wherever she sat became the 'head' of the table, even if the table was round as this one was. Percy had subtly usurped that. She wasn't sure how, but it did indicate that those assembled did care for him. She smiled at that, that he had friends, and a very odd group they were.

"I call to order the one-hundred eighty-seventh meeting of 'Let's discuss the Time Loop that keeps Percy and Tirek trapped and at each others' throats'," he said, sounding exhausted to death but he looked around, "I'll dispense with the old business."

Celestia had expected Fleur and Fancypants to be shocked, and Sergeant Mile Stone to take it in stride. She had not expected Prince Blueblood to take it in stride. Her shock and Mile Stone's at that revelation seemed to match Percy's shock at the old sergeant having penetrated Percy's subterfuge. Cadence and Armor were shocked that only Fleur and Fancypants were shocked.

Let me guess the questions, mine will be how sure he was facing Tirek, Celestia thought.

"Yes, I'm sure it was him. I broke his will and sent him back home to reconcile with his brother."

So that's how he beat him, odd he'd think I'd want to know that. Oh, silly filly, he wants you to know he protected you, Celestia thought, Luna, probably who started this.

"No, it's definitely Discord and I have not sought his help. I managed to get out without resorting to that extreme."

Cadence will want to know if he's well, and what he's been doing. After half-a-year of the same day over and over, no wonder he's tired, Celestia thought as she watched the people at the table.

"I am hanging on. I've read all the Royal Archives, here and in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. I just relieved it's all over."

He read all those books in half a year? No, those must have been weekly meetings at least. Nearly four years, he needs some rest time with us, and a delicate hand, Celestia thought, Armor will ask about Twilight. That would have been my second question.

"Because it takes her most of the 15 hours I have before the midnight reset to convince her I can actually talk, and the rest of the time is not sufficient to convince her of the existence of the time loop. After 50 wasted attempts, I quit involving her. On several occasions at your behest, I tried to convince the entire group. Those were worse than useless."

Ouch. Twilight does cling to orthodoxy like a barnacle. Celestia winced. I have no idea why the next two are here.

"Because you have shown an ability to quickly accept and offer advice, and after all the useful advice, you deserve to know."

"Ditto, and you get a follow up, only with Celestia, I didn't even want to consider cheating on her as the way to break out of the loop."

Me, what, oh he's so sweet, Celestia wasn't sure if she thought it or murmured it, then had a greater revelation, He could have had any mare, and only he'd know. That 'another mare breaks the loop' is all smoke and mirrors. He could have had anyone: mare, stallion, human, griffon, minotaur, dragon even. She stifled the impulse to reach across the table and gather him into a hug. But he saw her radiant smile and smiled back. Shocking a few of the others because 'humans can't smile'. That does it. The first suitably strange human I find, I'm sending to Twilight. She needs someone as loyal as Spike, and as loving as Percy. Satisfied, she cringed at the 'answer' to Blueblood.

"Because the first loop I remember, you sent the palace gardeners and your guards to take down Tirek. Non-magic humans against a manavore, then and in many of the other meeting, you showed good thinking and you deserve to know what happened."

Him?! Celestia thought as she felt her worldview being picked up and violently shaken.

"Of course I can understand you, I spent four months mastering your language. As well as mastering a dozen-and-a-half other ancient languages and sub-tongues."

Of course he'd want to actually 'talk' to his chief coconspirator, Celestia thought, What would he say to the sergeant?

"Of course, I know that you know, now you know that I know you know." Both males glanced at Celestia and Luna. "And I'm going to stop it there, because we once went on for 45 minutes before their Highnesses took me at my word about the time loop, and gleefully put both of us in the hospital."

Mile Stone stared right at Princess Celestia and raised an eye brow before nodding.

Percy turned back to her. So how did he figure this out? Celestia wondered.

"Tirek seemed aware he was in a loop at the stroke of midnight and the loop reset with the last chime of the clocks, and I became aware after I heard him say 'Not again', the next morning I was aware too, but I'm aware from the instant I awaken. This morning was different."

Lulu will wonder how Percy beat him, Celestia thought, I can think of several extremely gruesome answers.

"By making him see all his excuses as hollow as they were, and making him want to reconcile with his brother. Then it was open the portal and step out of the way."

Interesting, not what I would have expected, Celestia thought on Cadence's expression, She'll want to know if he ever went out and had fun. 'All work and no play makes Twilight a dull pony'.

"Occasionally one of you would decide that you believed me on the spot and decided to take advantage of the day being erased. Celestia took me flying, to the Wonderbolt's incredible jealousy."

Celestia smirked at that, then let Percy continue, "Luna has done all day poetry readings. The custard war would have taken weeks to clean up otherwise. So yes, I've taken time off to have fun. I only counted the meetings that stayed meetings."

Recreation, I know what Shining Armor is going to ask about, Celestia thought.

"Absolutely not, I would regularly wander off and throw myself off the edge of the city. I think I'd do that even if I wasn't in a timeloop."

What would Fancy Pants ask? Celestia wondered.

"On your suggestion, yes I did. I think Discord was furious by the chaos a simple marriage proposal caused. Although sticking that box on his nose will pay greater dividends in the long-run."

Celestia foolishly thought a single snort would vent her mirth. It overwhelmed her and she began laughing at the thought of Discord's reaction to that game. Discord nothing, imagine the nobles'! she thought and nearly fell over.

"A gentleman never discusses those things."

What?! Celestia thought, interrupting her laughter.

"Carrot sticks and peanut butter."

"What?!" Celestia shouted.

Percy told her, "The questions aren't related the way you think."

Celestia was slightly mollified by this as Percy turned to Philomena.

"Yes we have, and if we give out too many more details, they'll put us in irons. The box will punish Discord in a way that the others will allow."

Philomena chirped, "Serves the monster right. I still think you should have killed him."

Before Celestia could scold Philomena, Cadence exclaimed, "That's what that thing on Discord's nose is!" Cadence looked around the table. "I saw half the Wonderbolts pressing that button and talking about it."

Percy nodded to Cadence, then raised an eyebrow to Philomena. The phoenix shrugged.

She'll accept an eternity of Discord being punished, over simply killing him, Celestia thought and decided to have a talk with her friend later. The sergeant will wonder how far he went with Tirek.

"Initially, I tracked him back to a perfect ambush point and dropped a concrete vase on his head then dumped the body in a large trash can. Or I knocked him out with a potion and did other things, like return him to Tartarus. Finally, I learned enough about his psychology I was able to tear his worldview to pieces with just a few well-chosen sentences, and convinced him to return home. Since unless I changed someone's behavior, they'd follow the exact same patterns. I swung into the throne room on a chandelier and announced I was the Dread, Deadly, Dancer the Pink Flamenco, and had captured their princess. I kissed Celestia, and the entire court went nuts, the exact same way, every time."

How long did that go on? she wondered.

"A week. And you just sat there stunned every time. There was also the python and cobra, occasionally."

Please don't explain that, please don't explain that, please don't explain that! she thought as she blushed.

"I won't answer and in multiple meetings, neither will her Highness."

Celestia sighed.

Percy glanced around the table. "Okay, that's old business. I should have you all thinking, any new questions, comments, clarifications?"

Shining Armor took the lead. "The box with the button you stuck on Discord?"

Percy grinned tiredly. "It tells him not to push the button, since that's all he can do, it should drive him completely crazy."

Philomena and Lulu nodded their approval.

Cadence glanced around and asked, "Did you ever let Tirek win? Let him absorb all the ponies' magic?"

For the first time, Percy looked disturbed. "Once. It seems there is a fail - not failsafe, more like a fail-deadly. A green and purple alicorn who seemed to think Tirek a 'puny god.' She did things to Tirek even I never replicated." Percy shuddered and looked at Celestia while she studied the inlay in the ceiling. "Although I did use her to terrify him from time to time."

Cadence looked intently at everyone looking at her. "Me?" she asked, looking and sounding as put upon.

If she only knew, Celestia thought as Cadence pouted at her, and she pouted back. Then she stared at Sergeant Mile Stone who was pouting very effectively at Cadence.

"How else does a sergeant affect a general?" the old soldier asked, making both Diarchs and his commander facehoof. Cadence giggled and gestured to indicate she wanted to take lessons. And Armor nearly tried to forbid the exchange of that information.

After stifling a giggle, Luna said, "Too bad all your learning is only stored in your head, the accumulation of all that would be fascinating." Luna grinned at that. A look at Percy's stoic expression eliminated all laughter.

He carefully set a black crystal on the table and looked at Luna and Celestia. Celestia nodded to Luna. "I did think of that, and stored all the studies." He carefully slid it across the table to Luna who took it almost reverently.

"The accumulated knowledge of the one person who can say 'I've read more books on magic than Armor's sister,'" Percy said, and for the first moment really smiled, but it was brief.

"I almost doubt that," Armor said and the others chuckled.

Again, Percy's grim mood dampened the laughter as he explained, "I quit counting around 50,000 days."

Celestia reeled as she heard that. I'd been assuming weeks or months, not centuries! she thought as she shot Luna and Cadence a warning glance. We'll, have to keep a careful eye on him. Why he's not a gibbering mad thing is beyond comprehension.

"I stopped counting a long time ago. Say it was 200,000 days, that's over 500 years. Most of that was studying," he calmly told them.

His placid demeanor became more explicable. He's lived with the same people longer than ponies generally lived, Celestia thought as she tried to understand virtual immortality being thrust upon a mortal creature, And he's seen all their behaviors, even causing some of the extreme ones.

"I think I've got most people in this room beat, maybe everyone."

That wasn't a boast, it was a lament, Celestia realized and wished she was sitting next to him, instead of across the table.

"But you can't cast any magic as a human." Blueblood actually managed a look of calculation. "Except potions and rune magic."

"You say that as if it were a handicap," Lulu said, ignoring who had the good idea and concentrating on the idea, "Tis not, to a strong enough practitioner of the art."

"So, any questions or comments?" Percy asked with a sardonic air, as if challenging them to surprise him.

"Just one," Blueblood said, and managed to shock everyone, from the insight, and the delicacy and concern with which it was offered, "You need bodyguards."

Percy looked ready to protest, but Blueblood waved him off. "For one, the knowledge of a dozen pony lifetimes now resides in your head." He waited for Percy to acknowledge that, however grudgingly. "Two, you are vastly more valuable to the future Empress as a person who can listen in on the most sensitive conversations, and yet be given not even a second look. No cloak of invisibility of legend would serve as well." Cadence looked a little ashamed at Blueblood's suggestion, but Mile Stone gave Blueblood a thoroughly appraising look, as if seeing him for the first time. "Third, there is talk about 'teaching the arrogant pup a lesson'. Some is directed at you, some at Cadence. The congruence of these puts you both at risk. Cadence for you being held for ransom, you for answering for the kidnappers' rather messy exit from this world." He snickered, breaking the tension and giving even Percy permission to laugh.

To keep from laughing, Celestia and Cadence feigned the horror that Fleur genuinely felt. While Lulu, Mile Stone, Armor and Philomena all chuckled along with Blueblood and Percy.

"We have your human, and we'll pay you a hundred million bits to come pick him up," Fancypants said and chuckled, "But only if you hurry."
------------------------------

Luna had watched the meeting break up, and she had remained behind with Tia and Percy. What she'd already scanned in the crystal terrified her. She could sense the draconic influence in the writing, and in his durability to the passage of time. She and Tia had to shake things up a bit periodically, just to remain sane. He had suffered through the same day over and over for near-countless repetitions with only his action changing things. If any of us had a reason to hate Discord before, Luna thought, We have much more reason now. I think I might see clear to allow some of Philomena's ideas to be used. Although he might have sufficient experience to know what would truly torture the draconequus.

He stood aside from them as the others left. Not patient, but indelibly marked and weary. He doesn't know if this day will repeat endlessly. That he will awake, and again inform us. And awake again to the same day, she realized, Each day, a new key, a form of immortality I would not wish on anypony. He has only a human's span of days, but if each day lasts into centuries, is that any way to live?

He closed the door, and stood at it, as if sensing the wards seal the room from prying eyes and listening ears. After a moment he approached. Luna could tell that Tia wanted nothing more than to throw herself at him and hug the stuffings out of him. She restrained herself, but Luna felt the tension.

"I went through all your papers and journals," he said and nodded towards the Castle of the Pony Sisters, "I think I know why you left all that behind when you moved up here."

He sounds sorry, for us. After everything he's been through, he is trying to assuage our pain and worries! Luna thought, and moved herself to the 'tackle-hug' contingent.

"It wasn't the structure of the building that was shaky. It was the structure of the government," he said, not judging them on their initial foolishness, or mocking the mystique they'd thrown up over the centuries.

"You read - all - of it?" Luna asked, trying to imagine his reaction to her slow descent into madness. Her journal contained all of her hate until she couldn't control it anymore.

How can he not hate and fear me, and Tia? He just sounds tired, and apologetic, she thought and tried not to betray her emotions.

He began scratching both behind their ears, and both sisters rested their heads on his shoulders. "I got your permission," he explained, "Not every day, but periodically."

Luna nodded and snugged against him, but even she could sense 'Tia's unease.
He continued in an almost dreamlike tone as if scratching them put him in the same state they were in. "It tells a story, not of rulers, but of traveling wizards. People dispensing advice, cures, blessings on babies and marriages, and rarely if ever getting deeply involved. Discord did much the same further north around Canterlot, the humans already named him a trickster, but propitiated him with games and tricks and clever riddles." He chuckled and looked at 'Tia. "They did the same with you."

Princess Celestia Solar Magnificat suddenly looked like a foal caught sneaking cookies. She bowed her head, scuffed the floor nervously and had the most adorable expression.

Her lover found her out, Luna realized, That's what's got her so nervous.

"You and Luna looked over the cows, and sheep," he said in the same tone. But now he was treading on an infected wound.

"Please stop," Celestia pleaded, echoing Luna's own desires.

Luna almost commanded him to stop, but realized, Mine own go with the Elements forced me to face all that had happened without pretense or defense. But 'Tia buried all of that, and she'd let it fester, Luna thought, Until the merest memory is enough to bring her to tears. But the surgeon is gentle, as he lances that pus-filled sore so it can drain. Dragging the wound out into the light and clean air to heal. So his friend and lover can be whole again. She nuzzled him, encouraging to continue.

"And horses," he said.

Predictably, Celestia turned away, tears staining her cheeks. Just as predictably, Percy stepped under her head, and wrapped his arms around her, stroking her neck and letting her cry. Such a thing to be jealous of, Luna warned herself, But Cadence's servant and my friend, but when will somepo - someone care for me like that?

He waited until the worst of it died down, then continued, "When they arrived, you saw them as friends, as all the Equestrians had been friends. It isn't your fault you didn't see them as a conquering Imperial power."

Luna felt a growing shame at her own memories of those days, and wondered, If someone like Percy had been there, would any of that tragedy have happened? Or would it have been a different tragedy? I saw their dreams, and foolishly thought they were the nightmares of terrible trauma. I never expected them to be plans and goals, she thought, I could have warned everyone, but I didn't know. I didn't understand evil. Even Discord wasn't so cruel, then. She felt her own tears as she listened, and was torn between seeking comfort, and letting him concentrate on 'Tia.

"Neither you, nor Luna, nor even Discord were prepared for the storm that was breaking on your shores," he told them.

'Tia stood away from him, and walked over to Luna, gently nuzzling her. "But they weren't friends. The Windingos drew our attention. Then they decided . . . to 'put us in our place.'"

Both of them leaned into each other and cried.

"I read the accounts," he said, moving up to the pair, "Especially yours and Luna's. They slaughtered the horses, as an affront to 'pony'ness. Only the colony in Saddle Arabia survived. And they struck at the humans, transforming them into what they are now." He stroked their noses softly. "Then you hit back."

"Yes," Celestia said, not beloved sister, but the High Queen, and stared at the human, expecting condemnation.

But she will 'die' as she has lived, accepting what she has done and the consequences for it, Luna thought.

Percy smirked at that. He reached up and ran his fingers through her mane and hugged her. 'Tia's look of joy and relief made Luna's heart melt, that her sister had not lost so precious a friend.

His tone was scholarly, he spoke as if lecturing a favorite student, "You were facing an implacable, arrogant enemy, and you hadn't had to fight anything before. Everyone knew and respected you, even Discord would listen to you."

Celestia whimpered happily as she drew both of them into a tight wing hug.

"You destroyed the unicorn council while Luna ripped control of the sun and the moon from them. That's why there's no ceremonial magic any more, forty unicorns together neatly did the job you did," he said, accepting what she did without condemning for it.

He isn't horrified, Luna wondered, What horrors has he seen to accept this so readily. The pit is a few, this was smashing entire nations, then Luna began to fear, Or has he descended into madness so only a few of us are 'real' and all others an abstraction?

They stood that way for a seeming eternity before Celestia spoke again, "Yes, while we were fighting the unicorns, Discord went mad, humans were his favorites, he's never forgiven the ponies for what they did and he couldn't undo." Celestia smiled and tousled Luna's mane with her chin. "Their machines quit working, or worked wrong, or chased them around. Legions of pegasi woke with bat wings, or butterfly wings. Or trapped in cloud homes without any wings at all. Many simply committed suicide, because a - "

"Because a pegasus without wings is just a mud dauber," he said in disgust, easing Luna's fears, if he could still be appalled at that senseless loss of life he was still rational, "I read the accounts. The fact he used their own hatreds and prejudices against them does explain how he could claim he 'never killed anypony', all he had to do was weaken one political faction, and the others would kill them themselves." Then he accused, "Then you put a stop to him."

Celestia sighed sadly. "After he'd thoroughly traumatized them," she said and shook her head in frustration.

"And they'd thoroughly traumatized you and your sister," he countered, "It's why you didn't realize she'd gone insane."

"Nightmare Moon was not Luna," 'Tia scolded him.

That isn't what he said,Luna thought, but didn't interrupt.

He explained, "I'm talking about her getting jealous about the affections of a pack of bloodthirsty maniacs who slaughtered a quarter of your intelligent, speaking allies, and moved to enslave the rest," he said, speaking softly, "She went mad, and so did you. By being forced to go from wandering wise women, to rulers of the ponies who'd inflicted so much harm on your people. Humans aren't the only ones the ponies still hold in chains, sheep and cows are enslaved still. Although they avoided the fate of the humans and horses, but all they did and built has been lost, save the Castle of the Pony Sisters. She wanted to strike back as hard as she could, you held yourself back from simply mopping the floor with them, and since she couldn't rationalize her hating you for saving them, she had to conjure a reason to hate you. Even if it made no sense, better if it made no sense."

Percy paused. Seeing how deeply Celestia was thinking. All three knew the question. We just dread the answer. Luna thought, Either it will be the most massive trauma to the ponies of Equestrian, or it will dash all hope of restoring the humans for all time.

Reluctantly, Celestia asked about the gorilla in the room. "Is there a way . . . ?"

"Not without undoing the spell that defeated the Windingos and kept the peace among the tribes," he said, as if he'd long ago exhausted all chances and was tired of the subject.

He shook his head and stared off into the distance, sounding not sad, or defeated, but tired of the struggle. "They had to put their contempt for each other someplace."

Celestia and Luna nodded at the memory of just how much the three races hated each other, and anything that wasn't their group.

"If the Crystal Empire wasn't part of their spell, which Sombra's behavior tends to indicate it wasn't -" Percy began, and looked to the Diarchs for confirmation.

Celestia gave a sidelong glance to Luna, urging her to keep quiet, before she asked Percy, "So her rise to the throne?"

"Maybe Humanity's only chance to regain their humanity," Percy told them.

Celestia relaxed, knowing that Percy had stumbled upon one of their longest running schemes. He seems to support it, Luna thought.

Percy sighed, and became all business. The same mind and instincts that ruthlessly won all those pit fights, and crafted the persona that let him survive undetected for five years looked out of their friend's face. "I think you can guess whose side I'm on."

I almost feel sorry for Sombra, Luna thought, and from her expression saw Celestia thought the same and approved.
------------------------------

What is it they say about becoming an adult? 'When you're more interested in someone liking your presents than you are in getting your own, you're an adult, Cadence thought as she and the Diarchs awaited the arrival of Armor, Mile Stone and Percy's new guards in her apartment. She looked at 'Aunt' Celestia, and she was as nervous as Cadence ever remembered seeing her. Even Hearth's Warming Eve present for Twilight wasn't this nerve wracking, Cadence thought, Although with Twilight, as long as it had words, and she didn't already have it, it was a good present. 'Shopping' for Percy is a lot more difficult.

Her own guards were not dealing with the reality of Percy being able to talk and think particularly well, especially considering some of the things they'd said about him, with him often standing there. They were still making fools of themselves, using baby-talk, and pidgin Equestrian, and having Percy reply like a university professor. That thought almost made her giggle, she could see him in a class of difficult foals, and after explaining some of the more gruesome parts of his career, turning into the sweetest, most engaging teacher you could ever want. She imagined 'lending' him to Twilight for a lecture or two, and nearly let that laugh get away from her.

Celestia chided the guards gently from her spot snuggled up against Percy. "Now you understand why we want to keep it a secret. Ponies loosen their tongues around humans. And a human who can listen is a great advantage as a spy."

The guards all nodded.

Not good, Cadence thought as she saw the expression on Lonely Tears.

"Which of us is prettiest?"

Cadence readied herself to intercede, when Percy simply answered, "Well most people misuse the word 'pretty'. Some mean cute, some mean beautiful and some mean pretty, so since you'll want the answers to all three anyway, I'll give them to you."

Whew, Cadence thought, then recognized the look on Percy's face and braced for a hurricane. Even Celestia sensed the coming storm.

"First of all, Princesses Cadence, Luna and Celestia take the crowns of all three."

Okay, that takes the guards out of it, Cadence thought, The three of us are thicker skinned than that.

"Sorry ladies," Percy told the disappointed guards, "To be honest, no other pony can compete with them in any of the three categories."

But here it comes, Cadence thought as she caught Luna's and Celestia's sudden interest in the subject. They aren't concerned about that are they?

"Princess Luna is the cutest."

What?! I'm cute! I'm adorable! Cadence wanted to shout.

"Cute is the reaction you have to baby animals and our own offspring. There needs to be an endearing awkwardness that makes you want to hug them until they feel better."

Okay, not being the cutest might be okay, Cadence thought and smothered a giggle in her hoof.

Luna was not amused. "I am not," she said with grave hauteur, " 'endearingly awkward'." She glanced to Celestia, who shook her head slightly. Luna's expression at this betrayal made everyone in the room want to rush over and hug her.

"He didn't say you weren't pretty, or beautiful, he just said you were the cutest," Celestia said in faux soothing tones, deepening Luna's depression.

Let's just cut to the chase, Cadence thought.

"So who is the prettiest?" she asked.

He turned and looked at her with the expression of a disappointed teacher. "You are," he said as if it were obvious.

Cadence grinned at Celestia and Luna.

"But pretty has a certain fragility, like a porcelain doll you put into a glass case for fear of damaging it when you dust. Not to say you don't have the inner loveliness and strength that makes someone truly beautiful, but people, ponies especially seem to want to keep you clean, unruffled and pretty."

Both Luna and Celestia seemed to be struggling hard to avoid laughing at the Princess of Love's utterly distraught expression.

"Spattered in mud, chasing a greased pig or a half-bathed foal isn't what most ponies think of when Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is mentioned. When you rescued the Crimson Death, they weren't really frightened that you'd be harmed by the monster, but that your prettiness would be tarnished. It's also why you're 'Pink.' Cuteness is why Princess Luna is 'Little Blue', and her Majesty is 'the Great White'."

Cadence bowed her head, then tried to raise it before bowing it again and making little circles in the carpet with her hoof.

"After the pony-eating shark?" Luna asked incredulously, and laughed at Celestia's horrified expression.

Percy's smiling answer stunned them all. "Exactly."

All three alicorns stared at him in disbelief. The other ponies in the room looked around for cover in the vain hope they'd live through the upcoming blast.

"Beauty is not a thing for the eyes, but a thing for the spirit. A rattlesnake can be beautiful, a summer storm can be beautiful, as can an aunt and older sister be beautiful. But beauty carries a sense of awe with it, and a tinge of fear. Beauty is a force, unlike prettiness or cuteness which are attributes," Percy said and nodded towards Celestia, who even in her righteous anger proved his point. The High Queen of Equestria, beautiful and terrible.

Percy's chuckle broke Celestia's spell as she grinned and then hugged him, "Don't pout Luna, you are very beautiful. Equestria Games Silver Medal caliber, but your sister takes the gold. But that same beauty puts her a distant third in the cuteness you and Cadence excel at."

Shaken from her horror and wrath, Celestia gave the most adorable pout. "I'm not cute?"

Percy turned to Cadence. "Your Highness, no ice cream until you've shown her how it's done."

"No ice cream?" Cadence gives her own adorable pout.

Celestia looked even more miserable, big eyes, folded down ears, and an expression of forlorn hope. Cadence matched her and gave a sniffle. Luna stepped between them and glanced at each with big, watery eyes, and with a tremulous voice she asked, "Can't we all be friends?"
While the others began sniffling or looking guilty, Spring Forest broke completely, "I'm such a bad pony!" She threw herself on the ground and began sobbing. Even Parasol wasn't that badly affected.

Percy looked at them, looking so miserable and hopeless at his three squabbling friends than none of them could stand it.
------------------------------

"Despite what you might think," Sergeant Mile Stone said, "This is not a disciplinary posting."

The jet-black unicorn and the huge, Saddle Arabian mare glanced at each other sideways. They both knew 'this is not a disciplinary posting' was military shorthand for 'shit posting that we think you deserve'.

"Yes, sir," they said together.

"Why are you wearing full armor?" the unicorn asked.

"I like it," the mare said quietly.

The unicorn shrugged.

They could hear a lively discussion going on inside the quarters. Both of the newcomers were taking in the understated opulence of this wing. As opposed to the 'if we gild it, they will come' of many of the nobles' areas.

They watch in horror as Captain Armor opened the door to a hysterical and tearful Princess Celestia demanding, "I am a good pony, aren't I? Please tell me I'm a good pony!"

All of them backed up a pace as she grabbed Armor's shoulders and repeated the question. Armor fixed on someone else in the room, a sympathetic gaze. "Sergeant," he called, then absolutely glared at someone else in the room.

Mile Stone centered himself and talked to the Princess in low tones, with her nodding enthusiastically. The pair of newcomers looked down the hall. "Is Saddle Arabia nice this time of year?" the unicorn asked.

"No," the mare said, "That's why I left."

The unicorn shrugged and headed into the room.

She watched him from the doorway. The unicorn glanced around. He can't restrain himself, she thought, remembering the unicorn's reputation.

"Princess tears, now on sale aisle seven," he said, but without moving his lips.

The human walked over.

He recognizes the Crimson Death, a.k.a. Ursine Persiflage, she thought as she watched, and considered the human moved wrong, And the heart goes out of him. Considering the nasty reputation as Princess Cadence's bodyguard, if not her assassin, I don't blame him.

"So, you're a ventriloquist, and a mimic," the human said, shocking the unicorn and her, then it grinned at him, "Just not as good as me."

She scanned the room. All the alicorns have a reputation as tricksters, but this was just too well played, she thought as she couldn't pin down who'd done it, It's a masterful bit of trickery, like the poetry I heard about. Princess Luna?

Mile Stone just smiled at the human. "One of your new guards."

The poor unicorn managed to point at the Crimson Death, before fainting.

While the others giggled and were wittily commenting. She walked in, looking around, and glad that as usual nopony noticed her. Some had joked that was her special talent, disappearing into the background. She froze as the human stared right at her. She looked at him carefully, knowing most humans took a direct stare back as a challenge. But this human seems, curious? she wondered as he looked her over and seemed vaguely pleased. She nearly blushed at that, the appraising expression she'd seen ponies give humans being directed at her by a human.

"Your Highness," she said quietly and bowed, and again there was the look of shock that she was in the room with ponies.

Celestia smiled, one of the few who seemed less shocked, and even welcoming the guard who went from invisible to looming without meaning to. "Sreh Alryah," Celestia said, "This is Percy, he is a great friend of mine. I would be honored if you kept him safe."

She bowed again.

"He can also talk and reason like a pony. Better than most in fact," Celestia added, as if it was a joke, but on whom Sreh didn't know.

She looked the human over, and considered all she knew. Then beyond all reason, it spoke.

He approached, not straight ahead like ponies did, but parallel and off to one side, like a horse would. "Now this is what I meant by cute. So earnest and hope-filled you just want to hug her and tell her the world isn't all bad," he said before offering his hand for her to sniff.

She wasn't sure if she was more shocked that he could speak, or what he said. "You, you think I'm . . . cute?" She caught his scent and moved closer, while still blushing at the compliment.

"Thou art a red carnation, Swift Wind, though frames as cedar and fennel the conqueror," he said in archaic Saddle Arabian better suited for poetry.

She couldn't keep from being shocked. "You speak Saddle Arabian too?" Panic grew in her at this. There were ancient legends, but they were tales for children.

But he speaks like one of the ancients would speak, she thought, looking around at the others, and desperate to bolt from this apparition.

"Aye," he said, again the odd accent, like a sage.

"There are humans who can, they are exceptionally rare, and not discussed. He responds best to gentleness and firm strength," Celestia told her, soothing her terror, "So you were the perfect choice."

She took a few deep breaths, then bowed to Celestia, before replying, "I will do my very best."

Celestia smiled serenely, then told her, "I have never thought otherwise."
Celestia smiled again and spoke to the human, who listened with interest to the indecipherable words, before responding, "I will do my very best."

Celestia grinned, actually grinned. Then the human spoke again, and Celestia looked briefly offended, then stuck out her tongue at him. Sreh had no clue that even at her most impish, that Celestia could be so free with anyone.

You have been allowed in deeper than most others, she realized and felt both deeply honored, and deeply terrified.

Her fellow guard seemed to be awakening, so the human ambled over and very politely asked, "Are you feeling all right? You were babbling about humans talking, then you passed out."

The unicorn snickered, and said, "Yeah, I -!" then he locked eyes with the human who was offering a hand up. The unicorn let out a little giggle and passed out.

The human looked at the assembled equines. "I'm going to start calling him Yo-Yo, not Parrot Boy."
------------------------------

It's among the most isolated towers in the city. Sreh had come here with her 'charge', Mockingbird was of no help at all, the unicorn was still trying to come to terms with a speaking human.

"Are you a jinn, or spirit?" she asked warily.

The legends of talking humans. Creatures that lure horses to their doom, or to riches, or adventures, she thought, I somehow suspect that I'm going on an adventure even if you aren't a jinn or spirit.

He stopped to consider, something ponies so rarely did. Something she so loved about Celestia, that she considered weighty question instead of a flip answer or outright dismissal. "That's a good question," he said, "If you'd asked me a few days before Nightmare Night, I'd've had a pat 'of course I am', after recent events. I'm not sure myself."

Sreh was overwhelmed by her desire to cuddle this odd creature. He tries to be a friend, but he's still so lost and lonely, she thought, 'Oh my love is all he needs to see the world is a good place.' She laughed at the premise of literally hundreds of saddle rippers, that a bad colt just needed a mare's unconditional love to redeem him. I doubt they were dealing with someone like him, she reminded herself.

"This must be pretty disturbing to you," he said as he approached and reached up to stroke her muzzle, he waited for her to nod before he brushed his hand over her, "And I'm afraid it will get weirder."

She enjoyed the simple stroking of her fur, and his concern for her well being. "I have grown used to 'unusual'," she admitted, "That someone else acknowledges it is weird will be an improvement."
------------------------------

Mockingbird glanced over at the odd human he'd been assigned to. Humans can't talk, he thought desperately, They can barely think. How can this one be any different?

"You're going to hurt yourself, thinking so hard," the human said.

Mockingbird cringed as did the rest of the crowd, all staring at the human who'd openly spoken.

"Mockingbird, knock it off," came the admonishment from another guard, "I practically saw your lips move on that one. Talking humans, as if."

Mockingbird stared at the human who had an expression of bright (for a human) curiosity, but otherwise looked like a typical human. The stallion didn't even try to explain.

The sergeant is right, I am being punished, he realized, A real live, talking human, but my being here is perfect evidence that it's a fraud! He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He, the best practical joker in the guard, and they'd played this joke on him.

"This is just creepy," he muttered.

"You don't know the half of 'creepy'," the 'Iron Stoic' commented.

Another element to the punishment, the one mare in all of Equestria who didn't seem to find anything funny. Easy on the eyes, until you realized how gargantuan she was. Another cosmic joke, he thought, A decent looking partner, and she's a horse, not a pony. The universe hates me.

Then the impossible happened, the 'Iron Stoic' actually chuckled.

Mockingbird let out a breath of disgust as they walked. "I don't get this," he said, "I understand ponies he's special to are important, but why not just keep him under guard. This is like guarding the stuff in a museum."

"Stuff in a museum isn't supposed to move around," the Iron Stoic said, "And stuff in a museum doesn't attract attention for ponies to do certain things with it. Ponies who treat other ponies like that are guilty of a serious crime. Ponies who treat non-ponies like that seem to get a pass."

"Humans never say 'no', and most are happy enough to do it," Mockingbird said and ignored Percy's glare.

"Who said I was talking about humans, little pony?" the mare said darkly.

Mockingbird gulped and decided to end the conversation at that point.
------------------------------

Swift Wind trailed Percy at a discreet distance. As much to give him the illusion of privacy, as to hide her condition. Watching him and Celestia is pure torture, she thought, Not only embarrassing, but most of us would KILL for a lover that attentive, gentle and inventive. He seemed to set great store in building her orgasms up until they are thunderous. And either not noticing or not caring about the effect it has on the all-female guard force. She shifted again, trying to remain unseen, in control, and downwind. If he gets a whiff of me in my current state, I'll never hear the end of it.

She froze for a moment, and considered his utterly underhanded methods. Or he could . . . and let Celestia watch, as a prelude, she thought in horror, at how attractive that despicable idea was.

She risked a canter to close the distance and keep him in sight. She was glad she did, because a small, saber-toothed, bug pony looked at him. The two of them conversed in a language Swift Wind had never heard before. Swift Wind withdrew into the shadows, but the bug-pony kept glancing at her, and smiling in the most unnerving way.

She can't know, Swift Wind thought, I've been very careful. I've been very correct. Sreh still coiled herself up to spring on the unknown ponyoid, in case it became hostile. And it still shot an occasional grin her way. It's not taunting me, it's thinking it and I have a secret from him! It can read my emotions towards him? Clever and useful.

His posture towards the bug-pony stayed wary. He checked corners, the area behind him, and even the ceilings as he appeared to continue nonchalantly chatting. Slowly wariness became comprehension, as if the bug-pony were spinning a tale, and Percy was beginning to fully understand the tale, and the implications. Swift Wind had seen that calculating look when he was with Celestia. I doubt he's going to do to this bug-pony, what he does to Princess Celestia, but his ideas might have the same disorienting effect.

What did the bug-pony say that could completely throw him for a loop? she wondered and moved closer, staying under cover, but closer in case he needed support. He rallied, but the pain in his voice told her he was not so much countering whatever the bug-pony had offered, but proclaiming unworthiness to receive it. I am not worthy of gift or salvation, she thought of his tone and posture, I've seen it before. I've felt it before. It was a terrible, yet comfortable lie then, it's the same now. She crept closer, causing the bug-pony to nearly grin.

The bug-pony started shifting forms, it was all Swift Wind could do not to charge in and drag Percy away. No, he's recovering, and still in control, she thought and held herself back, But he's hurting. No, he's someone else's human, someprincess else's human, and I doubt he'd appreciate the implications that a roll in the hay with a mare will fix all his problems.

She watched. Waited. Listened. Yearned. Maybe a hug and a nuzzle, he'll get the idea, she thought.

When the bug-pony became a little, human girl, suddenly she started sounding frightened.

That's not fair! she thought, So much adorableness in two packages! She smirked. I wonder how he'd react if the princesses told him how cute he is. 'So earnest and hope-filled you just want to hug him and tell him the world isn't all bad' indeed.

Then the cuteness level escalated to heartbreaking proportions as the 'father' took 'his little girl's' hand and the pair walked through the nighttime corridors of the castle. Swift Wind moved from cover to cover in her pursuit. I almost can't stop squeeeing at how adorable that scene is! she thought, and sobered to keep her mind on the job, Others might not see it as adorable, only vulnerable.

She followed them, moving from shadow to shadow, column to column, until they entered the prison. There, she discovered the truth of why they had to conceal his intelligence and verbal acuity. They simply passed through the checkpoints with no hassle. Swift Wind was stopped and interrogated, however briefly at each one.

An intelligent human could slip into any noble's bedroom and slit their throat and no one would be the wiser, she realized, They could even be found with the body, covered in the victim's blood, and as long as they acted hysterical as if they'd witnessed the attack, no pony would credit their participation. Fortunate the Pony Sisters are his friends and allies, or he'd be a terrible security risk.

She approached the great bridge over the lake. She looked around for him, and the little one, but couldn't see them. She risked a dash across the bridge. I don't care if they 'catch me', my 'talent' for invisibility is careful discretion, nothing else.

She didn't find them on the other side of the great bridge, but she heard them, far below, talking with a third person in Equestrian. She held herself still and listened. She heard the voices, and the hope-filled tones, but not the words themselves.

Finally, they climbed back up towards her. She tried to put on a mask of anger, to hide how relieved she was. And dredged up every infuriating thing that had happened in her life, so the bug-pony would be fooled as well. "I am supposed to be watching you," she told them in what she hoped would be seen as anger, if not fury.

"There were some delicate, political maneuverings going on and you are better off not knowing," Percy said, but seemed apologetic. "It was better you were up here. If things had gone badly, you would have heard me yelling." He glanced around. "Where is your partner?"

Another flash of real anger warred with the sight of the little girl 'hiding' behind Percy, from the angry pony. "He's still asleep."

"At least I could keep you close enough to charge to the rescue," he said.

She couldn't keep looking and feeling angry. "Thank you," she said.

Then he decided to completely discombobulate her. "We ought to include you in the training sessions. Give you a bit more confidence around their Highnesses. If you're going to be looking after me, you're going to be dealing with them a lot."

She and the bug-pony in human form were staring at each other in horror and wonderment. I think I have a good reason to leave him to Princess Celestia, she thought.
------------------------------

Sergeant Mile Stone was discussing the guards' performance, in the most reasonable and fatherly tones. The fact he was currently limelight white, his mane and tail were brilliant blue as they flickered and fluttered as inferno above him, his eyebrows were yellow-white flames extending almost into his mane and his signature sideburns were yellow orange clinging tight to his face. The term incandescent would have come to any observer first and foremost.

"You were asleep?" Mile Stone asked young Mockingbird. "After he reportedly tried to awaken you, you remained asleep? Do I have to remind you that this isn't just any ordinary human, lad?" he asked as his flaming countenance loomed over the soldier like an active caldera ready to spew death over untold millions of square miles.

"Need I remind you that this is a person, who upon encountering a foe that frightens even the Pony Sisters, possibility even Discord himself, decided that an ambush was the optimum course of action, one-shotted the villain, and disposed of the body so that nopony ever found it?"

"No, sergeant," the small unicorn said.

"Need I remind you that while her private life is entirely her Majesty's business, that this person has been among the most satisfying lovers her Majesty has had in recent memory?" the sergeant asked. The paint behind Mockingbird was beginning to bubble from the heat.

"No, sergeant," the unicorn said as his sweat simply evaporated once it cleared his sweat glands.

"So, a guard for one princess, a lover and confidant to another, good friend and speaker of truth for the third, thoughtful enough to at least attempt to wake the ponies who are supposed to be guarding him, and this person has already had to defend himself from several attempts on his life, and you have not followed any of the procedures necessary to guard him."

"I'm not sure what else I could do," Mockingbird said.

Barely above a whisper, Mile Stone explained, "You could have set wards around him, you could have set up an on-off-on rota for yourself and Swift Wind. You could have tied a can to his tail. All of which were included in your briefing on being a bodyguard to troublesome VIPs. Just because a protectee is a match for a battalion entire and unto him or herself, that does not excuse their guard from not taking the job of guarding them seriously." Despite his soft-spoken tone, paint on the wall behind Mockingbird was beginning to char.

"I will do better, sergeant," Mockingbird said.

"I will have your plan in writing before lunch," Mile Stone said, "Understand that this was not a disciplinary posting. Your natural and extremely irritating talent was selected to bolster his defense. If you fail in this, after your discharge, I may mention to him that your failing might have aided in a plot against Princess Cadence. You will never be able to run far enough, hide deep enough, or bribe thoroughly enough that he will not find you, and express his displeasure in ways that no one has ever dreamed of before. He may, in deference to Cadence's wishes, leave you physically unharmed." Mile Stone leaned close. "And you will wish you had died. Dismissed."

Mockingbird was gone, somehow without disturbing either of the doors to the room, or the very small air vent. "Corporal Swift Wind," he said, setting the huge mare trembling. He looked at the burned spot as if seeing it for the first time. "Stand at ease."

He took several, deep, cleansing breathes as his mane and tail went from blue to yellow, then orange and finally back to ash gray, while his white color faded to his usual, dirty brown. Swift Wind stayed rigidly at 'at ease' and awaited her doom.

"Her Highness is aware of your cuddles, nuzzles, hugs and nose rubs of Percy," Mile Stone said, in a less friendly and more officious tone.

"Yes, sergeant, I have no defense," she replied.

"Nor do you need one," Mile Stone said, "She heartily approves. And she wishes he was open to a herd arrangement. You have been, and I quote her Highness 'a point of solace in his otherwise hectic life.' You are the first ponylike creature he has encountered that did not generate even a moment's fear-threat reaction. He was delighted to see you on your initial arrival, and he doesn't get nervous at your attentions."

"Sir, I mean Sergeant?" she asked.

"The warning her Highness is offering is that he is both extremely endearing, and incredibly charming, but even he doesn't fully understand the effects of all the hurts inflicted on him," the sergeant warned, "You may do something completely innocuous that triggers a response out of proportion with your action, or seems completely out of rational bounds."

She remembered some of her own experiences before leaving Saddle Arabia that caused her trouble on entering Equestria. "I shall be on guard, and prepared for it," she said.

That's another reason I was picked, she thought,Who better to deal with an abuse victim than a recovering victim.

"Understood, I will be careful," she said.

"Very good, dismissed," the sergeant said as he saluted.

She returned it and left.

She found Percy a short distance away. She led him a short distance back towards the apartment. There, three princesses in athletic gear waited. Swift Wind froze.

"We thought you'd like to practice with us," Celestia said, "After all, in the Guard you have to know how to fight, and with your size and strength, you'd make the perfect sparring partner. Luna is far too small and cute."

"I can kick your flank whenever you'd like to try it!" Luna shot back.

"Of course, but when I kick yours," Celestia replied sweetly, "I feel like I'm kicking a kitten."

Luna growled back.

"You can fight in here, this is a war room," Percy whispered to Swift Wind.

She almost lost it laughing at the two sisters growling at each other. The trio left the apartment and headed to the practice grounds. Swift Wind and Percy following. "I would be honored to be your sparing partner, but I'll need some padded armor." She glanced around nervously. "Of my size."

"You can use mine," Celestia said, and went back to growling and threat postures at Luna, while Swift Wind stared at Celestia.

"It'll be just as sweating and bad smelling as any mortal's," Cadence whispered and led the stunned guardsmare away to get her fitted.
------------------------------

Celestia, Luna and Cadence chattered excitedly. "He'll love it," Cadence said, "I know it."

When she glanced at Shining Armor, he smiled gamely, but didn't nod, nor remonstrate them. This is not going to end well, he thought, This is like walking into a forest on patrol, and all the wildlife suddenly goes quiet, and it isn't you that's making them quiet.

He looked around the apartment and was glad to have the Princesses here for breakfast, but he had an awful feeling about Percy.

Percy was carrying the large casserole in, filled with the oatmeal that all of them loved so much. Cadence put the bottle next to the coddled egg Percy had made for himself, and waited as Percy served. He looked at the bottle, turned it around as if searching for something on the label, and set it down. "No."

Cadence looked puzzled. Celestia and Luna were exchanging confused glances. Cadence tried to explain, "But these pills will deal with your cravings for meat."

"I don't have 'cravings' for meat," Percy explained, "I simply require more protein that you to remain healthy." He indicated the small dish he'd brought for himself. "Eggs and cheese will provide most of what I need, and I'm not averse to some of the more 'interesting' collations the chefs have come up with."

His expression changed, and Armor braced for what Percy was going to tell them.

"Besides," Percy said matter of factly, "The math is on my side."

Math? Armor wondered, Maybe it won't be so bad.

Celestia mirrored Armor's confusion, "Math?"

Percy sighed, and settled in like Twilight did when she had to explain a difficult bit of theory. "Of the five big cities in Equestria: Canterlot, Vanhoover, Manehatten, Fillydelphia and Baltimare, only three have an active fighting ring at any given time. One or two has been busted by the Guard, or has moved to another city. Typically there are three bouts a week, although the first week or two that goes up to five, but it's usually three. The bouts are three hours, and each individual fight lasts five minutes, including set up and clean up." Percy paused to take a bite of his eggs, and a spoon of oatmeal. None of the others were eating as they considered.

"In the smaller cities and towns, there's four running at any given time. The bouts are once a week and run two hours, and the same five minutes per fight" Percy ate some more and looked at the others as they ignored their breakfast.

The others started in, but Celestia was thinking, and asked, "Wait a moment, why would the fighting rings change cities if they are still drawing crowds?"

Percy paused in his eating to answer, "The way the fight game works is, you start with the small stable of fighters you arrive in town with, ten to twenty, and you buy say one hundred new humans. Thirty of them are for fighting, and the other seventy are for dying. That is you've got thirty with the brains and self-discipline to learn how to be pit fighters. After four to five weeks, you've run through most of the humans for dying, and maybe even used one or two or five of the ones for fighting. So you head for the next city, until you've done a circuit of three to five of the cities, and picked up a bunch of potentials in your stable. So you pack up, and go to the small towns. There you scope out the local talent, and you trade two or three, or five of your potentials for the impressive local talent and put them in with the stable you take back to the big city."

Cadence set her half-finished oatmeal aside. She was beginning to suspect what Armor had sensed earlier.

"Where was I? Oh yes, I left out human teams versus animals, the human versus minotaur, pony, griffon, and of course grand melees. About half the fights end in an actual death, the other half one or both are crippled. And the fighters tend to weigh 100 to 130 pounds a piece. That works out to about 10,000 pounds of corpses that must be disposed of every week," Percy explained.

"Were you put through that course?" Cadence asked, caught between horror and a desire to comfort him, "Humans for fighting/dying, then a local champion?"

Percy shook his head, and finished the egg before answering, "No. After a couple bouts, they put me in the stable of experienced fighters. They used me for 'Spectaculars!' where I'd face a fierce animal, or a sapient foe. Alone." He shrugged and stirred his oatmeal. "Even fought a timberwolf once."

"That's horrible," Cadence said.

He shrugged again. "Better than dying, although my first fight when we moved into the small towns was against a couple of old champions who'd gone a little funny in the head. Meaning they were a danger to everyone around them. I cannot tell you what an unvarnished joy it is facing two fighters with 12 to 15 years experience, ten of it working together, both of them completely oblivious to any concept of decency or restraint, and bat-shit crazy to boot."

Luna had set her breakfast aside and stared at Percy with a horrified fascination.

"I used every dirty trick I could. Of course the crowd loved every second of it," he said, and none of the ponies were happy about that, "Fortunately, the thin spears they gave me, they're for punching through armor of big bugs, or rhinoceroses, but they can also be thrown. That made it one against one, and seemed to ramp down the completely crazy. I still had to dispatch that first one because he didn't die easily, and he started throwing things, at me, at the crowd, and the lights."

Armor snorted, and glanced around at the horrified faces. He apologized, "I am sorry, but it is funny, in a gallows humor sort of way."

Luna sighed and looked forlornly at her oatmeal, which she clearly had little interest in eating. Cadence kept leaning closer to Percy as if preparing to give him a wings-and-forelegs hug.

Percy managed to continue taking bites of his breakfast, between relaying the information in a disturbingly uninterested tone. The effect was heartbreaking to the Princesses. "I managed to get the first, and eventually the second. And one of the spectators offered to buy me, for 10 experienced fighters, an unheard of price. My first owner wouldn't take it, more fool him. We got raided by the Guard a week later."

Armor straightened, and was glad of Percy's blase attitude. "That's where I . . . sorry."

Percy shrugged and shared a wan smile. "You didn't know. My second owner had money, so he sent me to the Warmasters. One of them practically adopted me. Offered 1200 riyu, whatever they are, my owner was shocked, but didn't accept the offer."

"Twelve hundred riyu is training with the Warmasters," Armor explained to the Princesses who were relaxing as the conversation moved away from the gruesome, "And you're right, it's a king's ransom."

"Any way, that trail of bodies has always been one of the weaknesses of the rings, that's a lot of weight to get rid of, and in Canterlot you can't rent a boat and dump the bodies in the ocean. So how do you get rid of five tons of meat and bone a week?" Percy asked, then picked up the bottle and rattle it. His smile at the horrified ponies was all it took.

"You actually believe this?" Celestia asked, glancing around to deposit what little she'd eaten.

"Can you prove I'm wrong?" Percy asked nonchalantly, "They've got to be getting their feedstock from somewhere. And it would be a great way to guarantee they had the right mix of proteins and minerals."

Cadence raced for the bathroom, with Swift Wind heading for the kitchen sink. Cadence's four guard and Sergeant Mile Stone just stared in horror at what they'd heard.

As Celestia left to follow Cadence, Luna began spooning down more of the oatmeal. "I wish I thought this was a sick jest you had concocted."

"It isn't that hard to do the analysis," Percy said and resumed his eating.

Armor started eating, a bit more gingerly than before, but he quickly started enjoying the food again.

"So, meat pills are off the table." Percy handed the bottle back to Armor, who quickly set it aside.

Luna paused in her eating and fixed Percy with a stare. "I have a personal question. How dark is the universe you live in?"

Percy thought for a while, only the sound of the others rinsing after they'd been so violently sick could be heard. He answered, "On days when the sun is shining, and there's not a cloud in the sky, and I can feel the love of all my friends surrounding me. It's a very pleasant, Stygian black. And believe you me, that is a tremendous improvement over any previous condition."

Luna sighed, and refilled her bowl of oatmeal from her sister's and Cadence's portion. "That does confirm my supposition."

Been thinking about guards, and I saw this picture:
http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01414/little-horse_1414911i.jpg

Mockingbird and Swift Wind were born.