I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Dressed Up as Whom? (Part 2)
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

"And you are?" Twilight asked as she sipped the tea. Secure in the library's comforting walls and books, in stark contrast to the complete insanity that had overtaken Ponyville this Nightmare Night.

The Thestral guard was pleasant enough and seemed oddly reassuring after the events with Celestia and Luna, and Cadence.

"Tommy Atkins, ma'am," the mare told her, "Don't worry about Spike, the troopers are good solid folk. They'll look after him." A slight twinkle in the guard's eye was all the warning Twilight got. "Especially Tommy."

"There's another Tommy in your unit?" Twilight asked, "What's his name?"

"Her, ma'am, Tommy Atkins."

Twilight froze. Her mane became a little more disheveled. "You're all called 'Tommy Atkins'."

"Yes ma'am, exactly. We are all called Tommy Atkins," the thestral said.

It took Twilight a moment, then she got it. "All of Luna's thestral guards are Tommy Atkins."

The guard smiled. "Exactly."

"I thought your name was Tommy Atkins."

"No, we're just called Tommy Atkins," the thestral replied.

"How did that come about?" Twilight asked, and pulled a quill and parchment to her.

"After a poem Princess Luna wrote."

Twilight nodded. "That doesn't seem to be a pony name I recognize."

"It may be from a thousand years ago, or a mistranslation. She was doing ventriloquism at the time, and expertly so."

A knock on the door interrupted further conversation. The guard went to the door and opened it. "I already searched in here," she told the crowd of kids.

Most looked slightly surprised at the reaction.

"It's on the list, we do the invocation, and collect the tribute," the guard with the colts, foals and fillies announced. The thestral shrugged.

"Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!"

The thestral hooved over the candy to the kids. Some thanked her, some just ran to the next house.

Twilight was relieved to see her friends arrive, along with Cadence, Luna and Celestia.

"Brains!" Celestia announced and trotted over the chew on Twilight's mane.

Twilight relaxed as the others chuckled at the sight of her expression.

"Ya need ta be able ta take a joke, Sugarcube," Applejack said, "Her Highness was just playin'."

"What about me?" Luna whined looking as cute and adorable as she could.

"You were acting," Rarity said, "Princess Celestia was just doing whatever crazy thing came into her head."

Luna straightened up. "Foolish minion, the brains are under that," she intoned.

Celestia blushed, lifted Twilight onto her back and looked at the floor. "Awfully small."

The others giggled at the scene. Twilight finally gave up trying to make sense of it and just laughed along with the others.

"I do have to ask," Cadence began, "Why is Spike dressed up as a dragon?"

"My deep and infamous plan to confuse all of ponydom!" he announced.

"Ah," Cadence said, "Now I'm not confused anymore."

"Darn it," Spike said and they all laughed.

"I just realized," Fluttershy said, "Spike has known you as long as Twilight has."

"Almost," Cadence said, "Although whether Spike remembers his earliest days is for Spike to tell. But I did meet him soon after I met Twilight."

"Made it!" Rainbow Dash announced as she inchwormed her way to the doorway and collapsed in exhaustion. She looked at Cadence, free of her mummification. "How'd you -? Oh, magic, right?"

"No, I bit through the rope," Cadence said as she grinned at Dash. "Now don't grit your teeth, save that for grinding through your ropes."

"I'll untie you," Rarity said, "But it is a stunning fashion statement."

"You think so?" Celestia asked as she turned, and 'accidentally' prevented Twilight from climbing down off her back.

"Won't sell in Manehatten, too rustic," Applejack added as she pondered.

"I can let you model it," Rainbow growled at Applejack.

"Naw, takes an athlete, even Fluttershy couldn't make that look like you do," Applejack replied.

"It would certainly make a sensation around the castle," Luna said, "Maybe silk rope, with braids of yarn for color. And after a few months, we could tell Discord what he's missing."

Celestia stood, hoof on her chin. "Yes, it would be an interesting statement. But I'd want to leave the scratchy fibers. Much greater authenticity."

"Oh dear, whatever will the fashion industry do?" Rarity asked and pouted.

"Well, there would be the colors and braids," Celestia said, "And of course fancy knots and bows."

"Guys, really funny, but can someone let me lose?" Rainbow asked, "My wings are starting to cramp."

"She's right," Rarity said, "It would never work. All the sailors would be dragooned into the fashion industry because of their fancy knots, and where would commerce go?"

Celestia nodded. "Very wise Rarity, you are a treasure for our age. So sad, fashion trends, to go out of date in just one conversation."

"Come on, guys."

"That is the distillation of the fashion industry, your Highness," Rarity said and sighed, "A brief flowering and then, no one wants it anymore. Like a blown rose, such beauty in its time, and them, naught but a memory."

"Guys!"

"Such is life," Celestia said, "We spend so much time tangled up with our own lives, we never break free."

"That's kinda what I'm ask for help with!" Rainbow said.

"True, Rainbow Dash, you are wise beyond your years," Luna said, "A fashion maven, to fashion victim, to philosopher."

"Also a ready good flier," Fluttershy offered.

They nodded.

"Really," Cadence said, "She can fly really well? I'd love to see that. Well, when she's not tied up in other pursuits. I've heard that there are ponies who let their humans tie them up. You don't suppose Rainbow is that way?"

Rainbow growled as the others laughed. Twilight took mercy on her and untied the ropes. Then she teleported off Celestia's back to the floor.

"You people," she said.

"Just having fun," Cadence said, "You used to know what that was."

"She did?!" Twilight's friends exclaimed.

"You must tell us about that!" Rarity said, "It would be like hearing tales of the lost cities of the Appaloosan desert."

"I have fun!" Twilight said.

Cadence looked at the others, as if polling them. All the others seemed to be trying to remember.

"There is reshelving day," Spike offered. He looked at Twilight apologetically and went back to thinking.

"She did the Running of the Leaves," Pinkie offered, "And when she went POOF out at Froggy Bottom Bog, and the time she got turned to stone, and - no, that might not have been very fun."

"Gee, thanks guys," Twilight said.

"Ooo! She loves to get all snarky!" Pinkie said.

Twilight facehoofed as the others laughed.

"Beg pardon Highness," Applejack addressed Celestia, "Y'all seem, less nervous about us than last time."

"I have a friend who seems to have a better grasp of when to be ridiculous, and when to be sublime," Celestia said, "Cadence, would you like to tell the story?"

"Well, Applejack may know it, I met Applebloom and Big Macintosh at the show. I have a human. He was a pit fighter, the Crimson Death. I was sure I could rehabilitate him if I showed him love and affection."

"You were right," Celestia said, "Although he has retained all his legendary ferocity." Celestia and Cadence glanced at each other, then began laughing.

"Considering that he attempted to seduce Nightmare Moon, he is also insane," Luna said.

"Or insanely brave," one of her thestrals said, "That's what a good guard does. Comfort, life and dignity are second to the safety of your principal. Besides, I understand you were quite a looker as Nightmare Moon."

Luna facehoofed as the other two alicorns began laughing at her.

"Well, to transfer the embarrassment back to me. He doesn't seem to respect me any more than any other pony. And he seems to have gotten it into his head that he has to look after me. Sometimes it's like having a bear for a nanny," Celestia said and weathered the smirks and snorts of the others. "Still, it is nice having someone else see the mare, and not the crown."

"I'd like ta meet him, someday," Applejack said, "I thought Applebloom was tellin' tales until Big Mac said the same things. Doesn't seem possible for a human to be like that."

"Oh, it's possible," Luna said, "We suspect he and Philomena conspired to welcome us, Celestia and I, back to Canterlot. Although none of the investigators ever even considered them."

"What did they do?" Pinkie asked.

"They hung an unapproved banner along the parade route," Cadence said, "I should have known it was them. Even I didn't suspect!"

" 'Sunbutt'?" Rainbow asked, "They hung that banner?"

Celestia nodded.

Rainbow covered her face and started crying. "The greatest prank in Equestria's history." They realized she was crying from laughter.

"No, the greatest prank in Equestria's history is the city of Baltimare," Celestia said, "No one has figured that one out yet."

Celestia grinned as she was barraged by pleas for the answer or just hints, but she discussed everything but that.
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"How about scary stories?" Pinkie Pie suggested.

Most of them had eaten enough treats, and pilfered much of Luna's candy those few who wanted to move. Guards took care of the ever-decreasing number of visitors to the front door.

"And not the Headless Horse, again," Rainbow said and rolled her eyes.

"I. Taught. Her. That," Cadence said as she stood and glowered at Rainbow. The pegasus whimpered and scooted backwards.

Cadence sat down. "Okay, that's mine. Next."

Rainbow grumbled as the others giggled.

"Ya fergot she raised Twilight. Has to have some brain, or that poor filly woulda blown herself up," Applejack said and grinned at Twilight.

"I'm not that bad," Twilight grumped.

"Now," everyone replied.

"Too bad they have to be scary stores," Cadence said, "And saying I'd tell them would only scare Twilight. And Celestia."

"What would Twilight have done that would frighten me?" Celestia said.

"The gemologists' and alchemists' conventions?" Cadence said.

"That would have worked, if you hadn't stopped me," Twilight said.

"Cadence, point taken. And Twilight, I was missing my sister." Celestia nuzzled Luna. "I didn't want to get out of raising the moon."

"It still would have worked," Twilight insisted.

"I think the lack of details makes that a properly terrifying story," Rarity said.

"I'll say," Applejack added, "I'm glad I have no idea what alchemy and gems have to do with raising the moon." Applejack covered Twilight's mouth. "And I don't want to know."

Twilight frowned at all of them. "Princess Luna, your guards said they were all Tommy Atkins." Twilight never finished the question as Celestia began coughing in her tea.

"I guess it is time for me to tell a story." Celestia glanced around. "Good, Spike's in bed asleep. There was a unicorn famous for capturing humans. She was the most successful, and the richest, because she only went after human of great intellect and cunning."

"Smart humans?" Rarity asked.

"Oh you'd be surprised," Applejack said, "Some'll even play pranks on ya, like Cadence's."

"Smart ones also live longer, making the effort and cost worth it. She was roaming the badlands to find a human who'd evaded all other hunters," Celestia said, "She was determined to catch this one."

The ponies shivered slightly at Celestia's ominous tone, but she continued, "She headed into the badlands, with her equipment, expertise, and training. The first night, something slipped into her camp and slashed all her water bags. She patched them, but wondered how something could have gotten by her wards. As she traveled, she discovered that whatever it was hadn't slashed the bags to let the water out, but to put something inside. Every bag was fouled and a mere drink from one made her sick. She realized that she was up against no mere 'clever' human, but one with a pony's cunning, and a very nasty bag of tricks."

The ponies murmured to each other uneasily.

"She set out on the hunt," Celestia continued, "She found a few trails, but they led nowhere, as if the human could suddenly teleport, or vanish. Then she realized, it was trotting off, then backtracking and leaving the trail at a set of rocks, or covering its trail somehow. For two days she tracked it. Back tracking, doubling over her own trail multiple times. Yet she never seemed to be able to close on it. Then one night, as she lay in an exhausted sleep, it slipped into her camp, and stole all her special equipment. When she awoke, she realized now she was the hunted."

The others shivered. Fluttershy squeaked and hid within her mane. Even Rainbow and Cadence were shaken.

"At her moment of revelation, he began the pursuit. She thought she could use magic against him, but he opened a bag he carried under his arm, and caught her spell within it. In terror, she ran. And he trotted after her. For the rest of the day, she ran, and he pursued. She laid traps, and he spotted them and used the bag to siphon off the magic. She grew tired and thirsty, and he sipped from the water bag he carried. She grew hungry, and he snacked from a tucker bag he carried or found food she didn't know existed," Celestia said.

"Even nightfall brought her no respite, through Luna's bright light, he chased her down. She decided to make a final stand. She picked a box canyon too steep for him to climb down into, and waited. And waited. And waited. Until her eyes drooped and her concentration flagged. Then the howls of desert creatures sounded through the canyon coming from everywhere. She lit her horn, searching for them, and saw nothing. Throughout the entire night, she spent it facing howls and shadows from things unseen, and never did her foe even come into sight."

Celestia looked around at the terrified ponies. She grinned. "It was morning, when she fell into an exhausted sleep that nothing could rouse her from. The human crept up, wary of a trick, and placed the bag over her horn, and she knew no more."

"When she awoke, she'd been fed, watered, washed, and dressed in strange, soft clothes. She also realized she'd been transformed into a human. She looked at the hunter who pursued her. 'You are now a princess from a foreign land. You did not understand who you hunted, now you will, that will take two years. After that, if you ever want to be a pony again, merely look into my bag and all your magic will come back to you. But, for as a penalty for what you have done, when you are a pony, you will suffer the worst death imaginable."

"She scoffed and extended a hand for the bag. He laughed at her and told her to come back in two years. She found the human village more primitive than pony towns, but not as primitive as the forests and deserts she was used to. She lived with them, was treated well, and caught the eye of both the chief's son, and the hunter's son. They contested in everything to catch her eye. She finally laid down the challenge that who defeated the other would choose. Everyone agreed, adding only that the contest couldn't be to the death. All agreed. Then she stunned everyone by entering the contest herself, and beating both of them. She then took them both, for she couldn't choose between them herself."

There were giggles from some of the ponies.

"There were hunts and harvests, and children. And she saw what she had done, as pony hunters stole children, young fathers and mothers. She even came across a village that had tried to fight back, and been slaughtered to the last child. She realized if she could just tell ponies, explain to them. But the few times she approached them, she couldn't speak the pony language, she couldn't make them understand, and time and time again she had to run for her life from ponies, some who'd been her colleagues, and now who would gladly take her away from her husbands and children."

Celestia sighed. "Finally, a pony stole her beloved daughter who was just on the cusp of womanhood and was like her mother in almost every way. She knew what would happen, what ponies would do with such a 'spitfire', she'd supervised doing it herself. She remembered the bag, and decided that the worst death imaginable was worth never seeing this happen to another, was worth rescuing her daughter. She walked into the hunter's tent, all the others were packing to move the village, again, so the pony hunters wouldn't swoop down and collect all of them. She peered into his bag, and she was a unicorn again. Then she turned at a familiar sound. Her husband and her eldest son entering the hunter's tent. She tried to tell them what was happening, but her voice was gibberish to her ears long schooled in the human tongue. She tried to remember how to make human words, but a stone ax smashed into her horn, shattering it. She saw dozens pour into the tent, tearing through the walls if necessary, children she had watched over, some from her own womb, women she had counted as friends as no pony had been. They did not pause, a hunter had come to their village alone, and that hunter would die. She realized in her last moment, she realized the worst death imaginable, was seeing the ones she loved, seeing her as only the enemy."

Celestia left the circle of stunned ponies and went to the kitchen to get some tea and cake.
------------------------------

The circle of ponies stared at each other.

"That wasn't scary at all," Rainbow said, but she didn't move.

"Speak for yourself," one of the guards said as he stood appalled.

"It was . . . horrifying," Cadence said.

The silence answered her.
------------------------------

Luna watched the troops load into their chariots for the trip back to Canterlot. They had said their goodbyes and saw the Bearers safely home.

"You enjoyed yourself?" Celestia asked.

Luna nodded. "It was fun, playing and mocking what I have feared becoming. Buffoonery was enjoyable."

"And you no longer fear becoming Nightmare Moon?" Celestia asked.

"If Nightmare appears, I shall laugh at her without ceasing," Luna said, "Which is what I should have done the first time."

"You were not entirely blameless. I should have paid more attention to my sister, than to the being who were trying to turn me into a wishing well with legs," Celestia said, "I don't hate my ponies, but I wish more of them were like these ponies. They want us, but they don't need us."

"Have you considered making the nobles less privileged?" Luna said, "Or are you worried they only love you because of what you can give them."

"I've already learned that few of them love me. Most look at me as an obstacle and get close to me so they can figure out a way to squeeze past me," Celestia said, "There are times I wish I could just let them take over, and tear each other to pieces over the spoils. But then I remember that those spoils are the lives, and savings and work of other ponies who do respect me, and I can't do it."

"And the humans?" Luna asked, "Odd you told them a horror story, that was a true story from a thousand years ago."

"There is much that we might do," Celestia admitted, "But I don't know where to begin. If the spell is what I think it is. They wound it into the very heart of Equestria. I cannot unwind it without unraveling more than I care to."

"There is one other answer," Luna said, and looked over as Cadence and her team prepared to depart, "A bitter irony, but a chance."

Celestia nodded.
------------------------------

Blueblood walked the corridors of the castle. He knew there was something he was supposed to be doing, something that all of Equestria depended on him doing. But I can't remember what it is, and I'm sure Armor, or someone would be frantically rushing around if it were real, he thought as he patrolled the castle with a small band of humans. He'd dismissed them to go back to bed, but he'd made it a suggestion, not an order, so a dozen humans followed him, searching the area around them for whatever had so disturbed him.

I wish I knew, I just cannot imagine forgetting something like that, he thought and looked at his reflection in a window showing the city of Canterlot asleep after the evening and night time party. Are my 'fits' getting so bad that now I'm remembering things that never happened? He looked at his humans, and his expression caused them to cluster around him, hugging him, preening his mane and coat. It tore out his heart, but he decided. If my episodes grow worse, I have to have Percy take all of them away. He'll figure out something, Blueblood thought, He's almost as smart as I am. Feeling he'd solved the real problem looming over him, he headed back to his quarters. From the low hoots and murmurs from his humans, he suspected he'd be getting up very late after a very athletic session.
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The minion-mobile landed first, then Luna's and Cadence's chariots landed in the same bay. Celestia was looking very pleased with herself at perfect landing with the unwieldy chariot. Cadence stretched and then hugged Shining Armor, who was waiting along with a number of guard.

"No medics in case of a crash?" Cadence teased.

"I figured you'd miss the entire bay, so they're waiting below with nets," Armor said, "I know Percy went as you, your Highness, but who was Nightmare Mauled?"

Luna looked around in confusion. "I didn't arrange for a substitute," she said and looked to Celestia who shook her head.

"There is someone we can ask tomorrow," Armor said, then shook his head, "It feels weird, like it wasn't only a few hours. Not deja vu, but that I haven't done something, and yet I didn't do it lots of times."

Luna cocked her head. "That does sound weird," Luna said, "We can look into it tomorrow."

"Did you two have a good time?" Shining asked.

"What about me?" Cadence asked.

"You kept grinning, so I know you had a good one," Armor said.

"Yes, I enjoyed mocking the monster that has haunted my return. I believe the ponies of Ponyville also enjoyed it," Luna said.

"Other than Twilight," Celestia said, "I may have fatally damaged the pillar she insists on placing me on."

Armor sighed. "Does Percy have any relatives? She's going to need a human like him to learn to relax."

"Not that I know of," Celestia admitted. She led them out of the bay and into the palace proper. "We should all get some rest, tomorrow will be very interesting."

"Again?" Luna complained.

Cadence entered her apartment and went straight for Percy's room. The human lay sprawled out on his bed.

"Adorable," Cadence murmured, then she heard the soft cries of distress as he slept. "Someone's having nightmares," she said and glanced at Shining, "I'm not Luna, but I know what quiets one stallion's bad dreams." She snuggled into the bed with him, and waved Armor to join her.

He rolled his eyes and slipped in so he was back to back with Percy. The soft noises slow and stopped. Shining felt his own formless anxieties fade as he felt Percy press back against him. I'd prefer to Cadence in my hooves, he thought then felt Cadence's wing drape over him. He lay there listening to their breathing like the softest lullaby, and slowly surrendered to sleep.
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Luna had dismissed the few functionaries who'd shown up for the night court, and many of the guards, to return to their families. She sat on the throne in the dark and the quiet and relaxed. She looked in on the dreams of the ponies of first Canterlot, then the rest of Equestria. For once, the nightmares seemed at a low ebb. Even the few she'd assumed were nightmares she quickly realized the terrifying creatures were being run down by the ponies in their frightening costumes. She suppressed a chuckle at the ponies' antics. She went to where she normally avoided. Percy was clearly her sister's in all but name, and she was Cadence's by that name. Luna generally considered that made him off limits, even when she tried to help his many nightmares. The nightmares themselves frightened her more than anything else she'd ever faced. Both the scenes of the life as a pit fighter, the bizarre scenes that looked like they were out of a drug-addled fiction writer's fever dreams, and the ones where Cadence, herself, and even Celestia turned on him and sent him back to the pit fighting scene while they laughed at his torment. That was saying nothing of the ones that were simply too bizarre for words.

She understood that dreams were way of working out dread that plagued the subconscious mind, but the callous cruelty that she saw laid out, that she knowingly and laughingly thrust him back into were physically painful.

Fortunately, she found tonight his dreams were peaceful. Him looking after a pack of foals that were clearly Shining Armor and Cadence's.

Another almost boringly prosaic scene, she thought, then stopped herself, And who am I to judge, if even a tenth of what I've seen in his nightmares is true, he deserves some boredom and monotony of everyday life.

She shifted her gaze to look in on the Elements. She left Rainbow Dash losing to Cadence, although she did intervene and remind the dreamstate Wonderbolts that Cadence could not joint their ranks. Applejack and Rarity wondered about their businesses. Pinky Pie's dream involved a garden hose and a chocolate train, and was otherwise incomprehensible. Four Fluttershys sang barbershop quartet, including a smooth base, to an audience of appreciative animals.

Twilight was having a nightmare, unable to produce a cure to Celestia's sudden 'insanity'. Luna briefly considered giving Twilight the lecture she herself had received about letting Celestia be herself, rather than the vessel of everyponies' hopes and dreams. She instead entered the dream and addressed the fundamental problem. "Why do you want to change people's behavior that you don't approve of?"

Twilight looked at her, focusing on her. "Because Princess Celestia must be sick, she'd never act that way!"

Luna felt her eye twitch as her anger rose. So says the mare who thought her beloved mentor would strip her of all honors and responsibilities for failing to submit her paperwork on time, she thought.

"HA, THEN YOU FELL FOR HER PRANK COMPLETELY!" Luna announced, "I LAUGH AT YOUR FOOLISHNESS!"

"Prank?" Twilight's dream shade asked.

"Is that not the point of Nightmare Night? To collect candy, but to also jest with others? And upon Ponyville we played a great prank." Luna regarded Twilight. "You did not get the joke?"

"Oh." Her ears folded down and she lost her manic expression. "Oh, of course I got it, I don't think anyone else did and I was just, ah playing along."

The dream faded as Luna retreated. Maybe we should dip Percy in the Mirror Pond and send the copy to Twilight, Luna thought, That mare needs a bedwarmer worse than Celestia did.
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Dusk Shine saw the pony princess dozing on her throne. She'd slipped into Princess Cadence's apartments, and saw her target was entangled with the others. She'd slipped out without being noticed. She thought of the one she'd seen at the 'human show', she hungered for the pony who was Percy's master in name only. What she wanted would be to get the frivolous mare out of the way. She knew what Percy was, she could feel it. While they considered him an atavism to the early days, she knew the truth.

But he trusts Cadence, so there is a simply way to get him, she chuckled and slipped back to Blueblood's compound in the palace.

She missed the two pairs of eyes who watched her, and the silent agreement they came to. They might not have been allies, but they knew they would have to be partners, for their human charges' sake.

Dusk Shine considered the pile of satiated humans and the disgusting pony who thought they loved him. She had been disgusted to discover they did, and not just for his treatment, but because of his weakness. Her disgust grew as she noted the door to the 'inner sanctum' was locked, and Blueblood again had left the key within, out of her reach. She idly wondered how that little squirt managed to worm her way through the openings, yet she'd never caught her.

Soon, she thought, Very soon.