I Am Not Spartacus - Nightmare Night (Part 2)
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Tirek is horrified and unleashes another mana-drain blast. Problem is, if he'd give it a rest, I might have the magic to drain, but as it is, I'm just a really smart dinosaur. "Where is your power? Where is your magic?" he thunders as he tries to tear the webbing loose.

"Power?" I ask, "Have you not heard the Riddle of Steel?" I glance at the windows overlooking the courtyard. For an instant, it's like one of the cartoons where everyone turns into food. The terrified ponies become various cuts of meat, or fish. Lady Hornswoggle looks like a trout on a stuffed turkey. Fleur looks like a collection of different sized sausages. The Lady is a set of crab legs surrounding a bowl of butter with two lemon slices eagerly clacking together. I not only see them, I smell them.

Kill and eat.

I shake that off and spot Fleur back to normal with the white crystal shield and sword. I grin at Tirek, then turn back to the crowd high above. "Come to me my child, come to me." I beckon her.

Kill her, kill the mare.

Her horn glows to open the window, then she jumps out. All the ponies scream as she drops. For an uncomfortable instant I imagine my teeth sinking into her soft flesh, her hot blood running down my throat. For a moment she looks frightened, then I move my tail to catch her and let her slide along its length to the ground. She's a bit shaken when she touches down, but not so shaken she fails to keep me between herself and Tirek. She gallops over to the Lady, and hands over the weapons, little more than buckler and a table knife at her size, but the thought is there.

Then Fleur herself beckons towards the windows, and several large bowls of salad and canapes descend. "Protein," she says before clearing the battlefield.

She offers food, take her.

Tirek is stunned by this. "That is strength. That is power," I tell him, "Those who trust, and still think for themselves. One alone can be strong, a band of friends is stronger still." The claw stroke tears through his chest armor and scores the flesh underneath. The wing buffet sends him through the outer wall and into the street.

I clamber over the wall and after him. He throws the broken pieces of stone and several lightning bolts at me, but my hide is tough and I deflect most of them. Then the chase continues. He races into the small, tight streets. Avoiding the wide-open thoroughfares where more guards could catch him.

Why, if he seems to eat magic, I'd think he would charge down the main streets draining everyone as he ran.

Kill it, kill it now!

Whoever you are, you are not helping. And why aren't you turning him into a pile of galloping venison? Huh?

The Lady has finished her snack and raced ahead, using her webs to block the few side streets. Tirek has little time to try and tear through them as he races away from the pursuing dragon. A lightning bolt or two, a piece of thrown debris or a wall of stone, force or his own web tries to hinder my pursuit. It does, but only for a moment. Discord built well, I am strong, lithe and durable. I can dodge or bypass his obstacles, and I close bit-by-bit on the fleeing creature.

Kill him, eat him, consume his soul!

What I really need is a laugh track. I've spotted a few ponies on my run, at least I think they were ponies. They looked like food as I passed them.

I stop as I see a nice long stretch of street, and no Tirek to speak of.

Did he break into a store, to leap out at me at an unguarded moment?

Find him. Kill him. Tear him apart.

He does leap out, through the roof of the building. I get a glimpse of all the fallen foals, fillies and colts he had drained of their magic. As he lands on me, the Lady lands on Tirek and sinks her fangs deep into his back as I hold him. He tries to backhand her, but my grip makes him fumble.

He rolls to throw us both off. Then throws a fireball into the building he just burst out of.

Does he expect us to race in there and save ponies? Neither I nor the Lady really cares about what he does to ponies. If he wins, all the ponies lose.

We're after him a lot sooner than he expected. He shrinks a bit as he's forced to use a lot of the stolen magic to prevent the venom from reducing his internal organs to jelly. I notice the faint smell of burnt hair coming from him as he races away.

So his horns are the key to his power, that explains the burnt 'hair' smell. He's overloading his horns to suck up and discharge all that magic. Too bad I can't let him get most of the ponies, and force him to leave the rest alone.

We charge into a park and he initially thinks he has the advantage with all the groups of kids and only a few attentive parents. Batteries on the hoof. Except a dragon and a giant spider land behind him.

"BOO!" the Lady shouts at the top of her lungs and waves her two pairs of forelegs, "We're here to eat you all!"

The shrieks and happy squeals indicate the very rapid departure of his 'recharge packs'. Tirek lets loose a flurry of magic bolts. The Lady and I jump out of the way.

I always wondered if you could see 'Magic Missiles', or if they were invisible. Our gaming group always said they were invisible, and so were the perfect ambush spell. Why think of it now? Because Tirek telegraphs his attacks so badly I can roll or jump away from him. Just like in a game rather than in a real fight. And since he hasn't 'anti-mana' blasted me lately, the dragon flight power lets me go high enough to see the edge of the city. I don't care how powerful he is, a fall from that height will get him. Especially if a dragon lands on top of him.

Kill him, kill them all.

Yeah, and it'll shut that up too. And the food-o-vision I've been 'blessed' with. I looked at all those kids, and literally started salivating. Not a good thing when a) too many ponies think I'm Celestia in costume, and b) I know the change is permanent.

Kill and eat.

I tear my eyes away from the collection of asparagus/bowl of hollandaise that's flanking Tirek. Now why don't I see him as an eatable? Doesn't seem fair. Oh yeah, Discord, when does fair matter?

The Lady lays down a heavy mesh web, pinning Tirek down and she anchors it to several heavy trees. I jump down, intent on ripping his horns from his body.

"Catch!" the Lady calls, tossing me the crystal sword. I pin Tirek's head down and chop the blade down on the base of the horn.

But Tirek was shamming. He releases a massive magical pulse. The Lady goes flying through the park's trees, and my blow only cuts deep into his horn instead of severing it. I should have aimed at his neck.

I'm rolling through the park, leaving a trail of smashed trees and tables. The concrete benches hurt the worst. My head is still ringing and my eyes blur at the corona of energy pouring out of Tirek's wounded horn. He's shrieking like a banshee as the magic cascades out of him, and back in. I look at where the Lady has fallen. She's clearly had enough, and is reverting to a fluid form to disappear down the sewers of Canterlot. Whether she'll be back is anyone's guess.

I struggle to my feet, only to collapse due to muscle spasms. It seems I am not better off than the others. Tirek seems to have gotten the least of it, and has decided to deal with the other threat once and for all. He takes my sudden retreat as a sign of weakness.

"I have taught you to fear me," he gloats.

"You, HA!" I reply, doing my best to keep his full attention, hoping my booming voice covers the pitter-patter of little feet, "I AM PERCY! I kill where I wish! My armor is like tenfold shields, my teeth are like swords, my claws spears," I thunder, and even Tirek looks uncertain.

Tirek laughs. "Then why do you cower among the trees?" he laughs again.

Oh my granny, what a big ego you have. What a big target you are.

The javelins are not well or forcefully thrown, but there are a lot of them, and Tirek has not repaired his armor. Of the forty thrown, only twelve hit and only six actually stick. Tirek shrieks and begins trying to pluck the barbed heads from his flesh.

"Loose!" Blueblood shouts from behind a tree. Forty more javelins fly, almost half hit, and a dozen stick in Tirek's flesh. The few Guard humans advance, catching Tirek's limbs in 'ponycatcher' polearms that clamp on his legs and arms. He struggles, but the battle against me has taken much of his physical strength, and most of his magical power. He is in no condition to wrestle his way loose. The rest are not guards, but gardeners. Some bear Blueblood's colors, others are Celestia's. All have an intensity I've rarely seen on humans, even those fighting in the pit. They are here to kill, to protect a master they actually feel for. No magic weapons, no battle cries, no master swordsponies trained to perfection, no blasts of magic assail him. The grim, quiet tide sweeps down on him with axes and mauls. No one enchants a gardening tool to smite a fence post harder. No spell to enhance a woodsman's axe has been laid. Good steel and long practice are the weapons here.

Tirek has reinforced his body, so they don't reduce him instantly to flattened salsa, but they do keep hammering and chopping at him. Bruising bones and covering him in shallow cuts.

"ENOUGH!" he shouts and the blast he releases sends the humans tumbling across the park. Tirek looks and moves as battered as I feel. He picks up one of the axes in each hand and advances on the scattered and moaning humans. Blueblood is no where to be seen. His 'bodyguard' had dragged him from the field.

For once, I approve of his flight, he'd be an asset to Tirek, not us.

"You should have let me finish my speech," I tell Tirek, halting his advance. Many of the humans are getting to their feet, pummeled, but getting ready for round two, but too slowly.

"Let you spout? You have nothing to tell me," he informs me. Right before my tail slams into him, like 'a thunderbolt'. He leaves the park, through several buildings.

I sigh. "Now I have to go after him," I say and start trotting towards my quarry. He still moved in the general direction of the city's edge, and the drop off. My plan is going well. It's the last part that troubles me.

I pause, not charging after him. I know he's recovering, but I also know I have no flankers and no backup. The Guard would be more a hindrance than a help, and the humans are trying to help their wounded first.

Oddly, I remember my gaming group back in college. Playing Star Fleet Battles, half the game was trying to figure out what the other player's power allocation was, therefore what you could do and what you were prepared for. One lady was a demon, no one could beat her in a ship-to-ship duel, unless the sides were insanely unbalanced. An Andro battleship against a Fed destroyer, my only win against her. But she was useless in fleet battles. As commander, she gave only the vaguest orders, and as a ship captain, she went off and did her own thing no matter what the plan called for. Years before Leroy Jenkins, we had our own. Until the contest we had with the 'official' wargaming club on campus. They'd built their fleet around two heavy carrier groups and took the most tricked-out ships they could. We took plain-vanilla ships, so it was 14 against 9. I remember our admiral taking the lady aside and telling her how important it was she stick to the plan. Then I took her aside and told her to take out both carriers. When the lady and the 'admiral' balked, I spoke the four word incantation that gave me her full attention and focused her on the task as nothing else would. We won that day, in no small part due to her efforts, and the way she delivered the line as both of their carriers went up together.

"Think of the explosion." I had my wings, and I could feel the breath weapon percolating. I also had a plan. Break his horns. Even if I died taking him over the edge, if I broke his horns before or during the fall, there would be nothing he could do about it. And nothing at all when I landed on him.

I waited for the little voice to throw some irritating homicidal remark. Silence. So the damned thing only shows up when I don't need it. Discord, you are going to pay dearly for this. Maybe I should let him drain your powers, then kill him. Detente, I don't have it, you don't have it.

With a song in my heart, The Battle for Peace by Cliff Eidelman, I set out in search of my prey. I wince a bit at the sheer number of buildings I knocked him through. And the stunned ponies who were examining the holes. At least I think they were ponies. All I saw or smelled was a bunch of shrimp around a bowl of cocktail sauce, a load of fresh baked bread sliced into chunks, a really big donut wearing a hat, and a big plate of pizza rolls. It's all I can do to keep from salivating.

I find Tirek where it's almost too convenient. He hits me with a mana-drain as I charge. But I never intended to use my powers, other than simple mass. As strong as he is, and as powerful as his magically-enhanced traction is, there's not enough mass and traction to keep me from bowling him over the fence and over the edge of Canterlot itself.

As he realizes what his peril is, I fasten my teeth around his throat, and hook my foreclaws into his horns. He tries to scream as I worry my way through his muscle and sinews. But that's the distraction and an anchor. Twisting the horns in opposite directions snaps off one completely, so I brace his head and work on the second. The real attack I learned from my fiancee's cat when it took on a coyote. I bring the rear claws up and sink them deep and rip down. Over and over, as fast as I can. I feel a claw break on the remaining armor, I catch and pull out another when it sinks deep in bone, but none of that matters. Not even the second horn breaking ends my attack.

He's trying to hammer my head with his fists as his magic sears both of us, but my arms and shoulders protect me. I continue ripping his guts open as we fall, as the jagged rocks of the Canterhorn approach us faster and faster.

The clocks of the city chime, and he suddenly gives up the fight. "Not again," he gurgles through the damage I've done to him.

I haven't killed him, so I continue my assault as the ground comes up to finish what I've started.
------------------------------

Sunlight wakes me, and the smell of breakfast. I wonder who brought me back, and better, who reversed the change from several tons of battered dragon back into a healthy human. I figured I would be long dead by the time the Princesses returned. I've been wrong before.

"Come on Percy," Pink says cheerfully as she sticks her head in my 'room'.

I get up, noting the lack of aches and pains that should have accompanied the descent, and the subsequent recovery. Unless I was unconscious for a couple weeks and only recently woke up enough to be moved back to the apartment. I am eager to hear how my plan went, and whether they had as good a time as I'd hoped in Ponyville on Nightmare Night. Pink certainly sounds happy, so it must have gone pretty well, or she's just happy to have me hale, hearty and home.

"I've got the guards picked out," Armor says as he arrives at the table, "It's going to be interesting." He grins.

Parasol enters with breakfast. "Well, since all of you are going out, so am I. I have a date."

She had a date on Nightmare Night too, good to see her getting out. But no one's asked about the header off the edge of the city. Have they been told not to talk about it? Or maybe I didn't get Tirek as thoroughly as I thought. Have to check that.

Armor spills his coffee and I grab a couple napkins and begin blotting up the mess.

"Good old Percy, always looking out for me," Armor says.

Wait, that's what he said when he spilled his coffee on Nightmare Night morning. Deja vu. Then Pink said . . .

"Well that takes some of the load off my hooves," Pink says.

Then she'll kiss him.

Pink gives Armor a peck on the lips.

Oh, I'm replaying the last day, this is a hallucination. Last trick as my feet go through my brain. Had me worried for a moment. But, never look a gift horse in the mouth.
------------------------------

"It's welcome to hear that you love me, but Tirek?" the Great White asks in her day room before court officially begins, "Where?"

"Don't worry, last night, or rather later tonight I break off his horns and push him off the end of Canterlot, splat." The three alicorns seem stunned by my retelling of last night's, or whenever's events.

"He would be the best person," Little Blue says to the others, "The most non-magical."

"But how did he escape from Tartarus?" the Great White asks.

"Discord, he also turned me into a dragon, and cast a spell to neutralize it," I explain, "So when Tirek magic-drained me, I reverted. He also left a message for Tirek. So Discord probably sprung him. Probably to mess with you two."

"Percy," the Great White says and gathers me into a wing hug, "After you confronted him. Discord told me I so desperately want to save you, that when you fly to pieces and the broken, harrowed bits run through my hooves, I'll torture myself for a thousand years wondering how I could have failed you so completely. He said my love for you will never be enough."

I hug her back. "I understand why he said that. To play on your fears, to hurt you. If you'd gone after Tirek, he would have siphoned off your magic and made things worse. Like Luna said, I'm the best man for the job, and it worked. I got him."

"You've been very closed-mouthed about whether you survived," Pink says, she looks ready to tackle/hug me herself.

"I'm here, now. This was no hallucination or premonition. It is a memory, and I'm obviously here now."

"Percy," Armor says, "Tonight is Nightmare Night, not yesterday night."

"And so was last night," I tell him.

I guess telling the hallucination I'm in a time loop wouldn't help.

"But I already know how to win then," I tell them, and smile. None of them are encouraged.
------------------------------

Tirek struggles weakly in my grasp. He never had a chance to 'dragon' me, so I took him over the edge as a human. A much tougher job, but helping the human guards and gardeners made this a cakewalk.

The first bell of midnight tolls. "Not again," Tirek whimpers.

"Yep, forEVER!" I tell him as the last seconds tick away.
------------------------------

Sunlight wakes me, and the smell of breakfast. I wonder who brought me back, and better, who reversed the battered mess I must have been, back into a healthy human. I figured . . . no, the princesses engaged Tirek out of his range this time. They weren't down in Ponyville this time. Aw crap, it's one of those dreams. Open a door and you're back in the same room you left. Fine, I'm not playing.

"Come on Percy," Pink says cheerfully as she sticks her head in my 'room'.

I get up, and get dressed, then leave the apartment.
------------------------------

Hunting down Tirek takes until just afternoon. He's stalking a unicorn who's none the wiser. I keep forgetting that ponies own this land, and in Canterlot, unicorns are the lords of creation. A figure in a dark cloak that screams 'cutpurse' or 'Sith Lord' to anyone else is ignored. I'm half tempted to let Tirek take out this arrogant fool, then deal with him. But that would just make my job harder.

This time I'm just going to get this over with. I'd liberated a sword from the armory, and I have no intention of letting him 'dragon' me first.

He's startled by my landing near him, but instantly relaxes when he sees I'm a human. First mistake. His second mistake is my fault entirely. The sword is wrapped in brown paper. He never knows his danger until I shove the blade between his ribs into his heart. I pull it out and slice across his throat to the spine. He never even had a chance to defend himself.

The guard is on me an instant later. They have no idea what Tirek even is. I put the sword down and surrender. My clothes have Pink's and Armor's cutie-marks, so I am taken into custody. The corpse is also collected.

Several minutes after I'd been placed in the cell, I am issued out. Not dragged, not poked and prodded, but the pony opens the door and gestures me to follow.

All three princesses, Armor, and a team of gray manes in various uniforms are all standing around the corpse. The chill in the room will preserve it, and no one is happy at having to invent/reinvent the morgue.

The Great White gestures and surrounds me with a white light. I hear 'play along' before the light fades. Pink and Little Blue 'steady' before they look to me.

"The spell has transformed him into an archeo-human," the Great White tells the group, "One of the ancient types. We can converse with him."

I start speaking, they don't instantly panic. Too bad. "Oh, he goes to ad, ab, eat magic of whole world, do bad things to Princesses, and."

"And?" one of the gray manes demands.

I straighten up and take on a flippant air. "If you're hearing this message, then my little helper must have done his job."

"Discord," the Great White spits out in fury.

I pat the top of my head. "It's amazing what you can pack into one of these things. Tirek is planning on consuming all of Equestria, and since I can't do anything about it, I had to leave a mousetrap. Now, my dear Celly, you have a terrible problem. He will never understand why protecting all of Equestria, and you especially, is wrong. You will never satisfy all these stuffed shirts that he's harmless. So after saving all of Equestria, you'll have to put him down." I give a Discord laugh and wipe a tear from my eye. "I just wish I could see the looks on your faces, hilarious."

"You won't win Discord!" Little Blue shouts, either a good act, or taken in by mine.

"Well, it's been just oodles, but must dash, arrivederci!" I collapse to the floor like a puppet whose strings have been cut. I glance around. "Why Percy fall down?"

As the Great White hugs me in her wings and nuzzles my left cheek, she has tears in her eyes; Little Blue nuzzles my right cheek and has murder in hers. Pink and Armor are lost. Most of the gray manes are chatting with their colleagues. I get up as soon as the Diarchs release me and I start looking for a comb or brush. Pink has one sticking out of her saddle bags. I collect it, and begin brushing out her mane. Most of those not used to me are stunned.

"He murdered a monster of deepest legend, and just becomes a house servant?" one old wizard asks as she stares at me the whites of her eyes showing.

"Yes," Pink says, her voice cracking with emotion, "He tries to make us happy."

The gray manes form a single group and begin arguing amongst themselves.

I content myself with combing out the Pink's mane.
------------------------------

The feet sticking out from under the concrete vase look comical. What is also coming out from under the vase is much less funny. I drop to the ground and approach the corpse. Quick exertion and I deposit the would-be tyrant of Equestria in a trash dumpster. I think that's an interesting statement on the plans of the arrogant fool.

After sixty-seven attempts, it had become almost routine. I don't think I'll fall victim to the desire to inject more excitement. Not after taking a month tracking Tirek to the earliest, ambush point I'd been able to find.

Dozens of successes one after another and no arrests have convinced me to accept that the tyrant will be no further threat, and I can have the rest of the day to myself.

The Royal archives should provide some answers. If not, the archives of the castle of the Pony Sisters. Lots of studying to do.
------------------------------

"So what exactly happened after the initial arrival of the ponies in and around the mountain, after they occupied the upper heights and built their watchtower. But before they launched the attack on the caverns here and stripped them?" I ask the Lady of the Lake.

Many of her eyes grow wider. "How do you know about any of that?" she asks as we lounge in her bower in the cavern wall, "I doubt the ponies would have kept records."

"We've had this conversation before. I decided I needed to know the history of the humans who lived in this region. I also want to know why the Pony Sisters had a castle in human territory where supposedly Discord held sway, while the bulk of the ponies lived across the sea."

She considers, then begins, "Once they had the watch tower up, they began mining for crystals. Ponies always did like shiny stuff."

I nod.

"When they realized that they could force others to work, that's when the relations began to sour. The sheep and cows weren't eager to acquiesce to our new 'owners', and the local ponies were even less so."

'Local ponies?'

"Go on," I tell her.
------------------------------

I can smell Octavia's terror. I wish it did something other than make her smell almost too mouth-watering to resist. "Octavia, it's me," I tell her, and set the double bass beside her, "Percy. I need your help."

Eat the mare, crack her bones and suck out the marrow.

Tourists.

I smell her curiosity override her fear. "What do you need?" she says, then she facehoofs, "You and Celestia are going to play a Nightmare Night prank on everypony. Very funny." She punches me in the arm. "You scared the pronk out of me when you flew in."

"So it works?" I ask and grin.

Crush her spine and let her screams attract more prey.

She growls at me. "All right, what do you want?"

"I need a really scary roar that doesn't sound like a typical dragon's. So I thought, rubbing a rosined mitten on the or a loosened string of a double bass, that should really produce a weird sound."

Octavia stares at me in disbelief.

Suck out her eyes and crack her skull to scoop out her brains.

I need her brains for something else, but thanks for the suggestion.

Then she shrugs, takes the mitten and rubs it on the double bass. The sound is almost like a roar. She brightens. "I think I can work with that."

"Good, I just hope I can duplicate what you come up with," I say.

"I could just rub your vocal chords with the mitten," Octavia teases.

No comment at that? I'm shocked, simply shocked.

"Not the best idea," I reply.
------------------------------

Tirek awakens and bangs on the side of the metal container.

Hey after a thousand flawless victories, I needed a change of pace, so sue me. Besides, I like being cruel to monsters. It's not like I could do this to ordinary ponies. Then there's the timing.

"Get me out of here!" he commands.

I lift the lid and look down at him. I grin at him.

He's taken aback for a moment, then repeats, "Get me out of here!"

The first chime of midnight abruptly changes his entire attitude. "No, not the chocolate! Not the chocolate!" he screams and waves his hands as a warding gesture, "I'll give you anything!"

"Not chocolate, butterscotch." I dump the barrels of boiling, sticky liquid into the container. It's not napalm or tar and feathers, but it's funnier. Death by chocolate was getting old.
------------------------------

I present the paper to the guard at the railway station. The note I'd left for all three princesses explained the same 'I have spotted Tirek, will neutralize and return to Tartarus. Percy'

The aforementioned, hornless wonder is bound, gagged and strapped to a small wagon so I can pull him along.

The note to the station master is succinct, 'This is Percy, he has orders to escort that magic-eating monster to Tartarus. Place him and his cargo, and only them in the Royal Coach. No one is to enter it until they disembark at Ponyville. Signed Celestia Solar, Luna Nocturne, Diarchs of Equestria.'

The stunned pony leads me to the coach without a fuss, other than him fumbling with his keys out of terror. I take them and unlock the door myself.

"Oh, yeah, humans don't have magic, so nothing for you to worry about. Bye!" He can't leave fast enough. I lock the door from the inside with the station master's keys. Then I hang the unconscious monster from the fitting in the ceiling like a side of beef.

We're almost in Ponyville when Tirek awakens. He tries and fails to unleash a blast of magic. Only then does he notice his hornlessness. To be fair, when I hung the coil of rope binding his legs together to an overhead hook, he's been hanging upside down since then.

"You will pay dearly for this," he tells me, "And your princess."

"I'm hoping that returning you to Tartarus alive and unharmed -"

"Unharmed!" he shrieks, "You cut off my beautiful horns!"

"They'll be much prettier as ash. And you should thank whatever gods you worship I decided to stop there. I could be carrying your separated, screaming pieces in a couple buckets instead. I still can," I tell him, "Either way, you'll be back in Tartarus, hopefully to stay."

"I will escape and have my revenge."

"If you escape in my lifetime, it will not be you who gains revenge. I will," I tell him.

"Perhaps we can make a deal," he offers.

"Sir, Discord doesn't trust you. Now normally I'd judge a man by his enemies and assume you were a saint, but Discord knows you are a threat to all that lives, including him. So I will imprison you. My preference is to kill you, but circumstances preclude that as a solution," I tell him, "Be glad I am moved by higher goals than the extermination of dangerous vermin."

He struggles and strains at his bonds. The rope is too strong, the coils too tight, and the knots numerous and skillfully done. I'd spent considerable time preparing for this, in the hope that returning him essentially intact to Tartarus will break the curse.

"I have to go," he says.

"The cleanliness of this train is not my concern, nor is your cleanliness and comfort," I reply.

"You'd make me go, while hanging upside down?" he asks.

"No, you can hold it," I tell him, "We are about an hour from Tartarus. Once Cerberus has you in custody, you are free to do as you wish. I have placed you there, and there you will remain until I need to transport you to your jail. I am not concerned about giving you humane treatment. Not with what you had planned. You have your life, and you are intact, do not convince me to change that. If you are truly desperate, and peeing yourself would cause major health concerns, I can insert a catheter."

"That won't be necessary," he says and stares at me in fear.

He's quiet on the trek around Ponyville towards the gates of Tartarus. I encounter almost no one, quite intentionally. And so I have no panicky crowd following me as I and my wagon deliver the tightly wrapped parcel to his jail.

Delivering the villain back to Tartarus is anticlimactic. Weeks of planning, and having a mind that actually works without panicking means that Cerberus' approach only requires I tell him he's a good dog. I scratch him at that magic place that all dogs have and love to be scratched, and the scent of Tirek, me unwrapping him has Cerberus trotting back to Tartarus with his charge, and I hope my mission complete.

The train trip back is in the freight cars, but that doesn't matter. I am out of it, finally.
------------------------------

Sunlight wakes me, and the smell of breakfast. I look around with hope for the first time in over five years.

"Come on Percy," Pink says cheerfully as she sticks her head in my 'room'. "Percy, what's wrong?" she asks in horror, then wraps my sobbing form in a wing hug, "It's all right, it's all right."
------------------------------

The requested team has assembled. The Great White, Little Blue, Pink, Armor, Fancypants, Fleur, the Mighty Poof, Philomena and Muttonchops. I start as I always do. "I call to order the Seventy-first meeting of 'Let's discuss the Time Loop that keeps Percy and Tirek trapped and at each others' throats' I'll dispense with the old business."

I turn to the Great White: "Yes, it's him I've been killing him for 11 years, six months and five days."

To Little Blue: "No, it's probably Discord and I have not sought his help, and no one has ever suggested otherwise."

To Pink, "I am hanging on. I've read the entire Royal Archive, and gotten through about 60% of the archives in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. Disposing of Tirek is rather routine at this point."

To Armor, "Because it takes her most of the 15 hours I have before the midnight reset to convince her I can actually talk, and the rest of the time is not sufficient to convince her of the existence of the time loop. After 50 wasted attempts, I quit involving her."

To Fancypants, "Because you have shown an ability to quickly accept and give useful advice."

To Fleur, "Ditto, and you get a follow up, only with Celestia, I'd hate to think cheating on her is the way to break out of the loop."

While the others snicker and the Great White makes embarrassed though grateful noises, I turn to the Mighty Poof, "Because the first loop I remember, you sent the palace gardeners and your guards to take down Tirek. Non-magic humans against a manavore, good thinking and that's what we need."

To Philomena, "Of course I can understand you, I spent four months mastering your language, as well as a half-dozen other ancient languages and sub-tongues."

To Muttonchops, "I know that you know, now you know that I know you know. And I'm going to stop it there, because we once went on for 45 minutes and the Princesses put both of us in the hospital."

Back to the Great White, "Tirek seems to be aware he's in a loop at the stroke of midnight and the loop resets with the last chime of the clocks, and I became aware after I heard him say 'Not again', the next morning I was aware too, but I'm aware from the instant I awaken."

To Little Blue, "Grabbing him by the throat with my teeth and flinging us over the edge of Canterlot."

To Pink, "Occasionally one of you decides that you believe me on the spot and decides to take advantage of the day likely being erased. Celestia has taken me flying, Luna has done all day poetry readings, the custard war would have taken weeks to clean up otherwise, so yes, I've taken time off to have fun. I only count meeting that stay meetings."

To Armor, "Absolutely not, I usually wander off and throw myself off the edge of the city. I think I'd do that even if I wasn't in a timeloop."

Armor grumbles at that, which makes Pink laugh her flank off.

To Fancypants, "On your suggestion, yes I did. I think Discord was furious by the chaos a simple marriage proposal caused."

The Great White started laughing at that point.

To Fleur, "A gentleman never discusses those things."

To the Mighty Poof, "Carrot sticks and peanut butter."

I ignore the outraged cry from the Great White and the snickering from the others.

To Philomena, "Yes we have, and if we give out too many more details, they'll stop us. We have to figure out a way to really punish Discord that the others will allow."

Philomena chirps her agreement.

To Muttonchops, "I tracked him back to a perfect ambush point and drop a concrete vase on his head then dump the body in a large trash can. Or knock him out with a potion and do other things, like return him to Tartarus. Since unless I change someone's behavior, they follow the exact same patterns. I swung into the throne room on a chandelier and announced I was the Dread, Deadly, Dancer the Pink Flamenco, and had captured their princess, kissed Celestia. And the entire court went nuts the exact same way every time."

To the Great White, "A week. And you just sat there stunned every time. There was also the python and cobra, occasionally." The Great White becomes the Great Crimson as she stares at me.

"I won't answer and in multiple meetings, neither will her Highness." I sighed. "Okay, that's old business. I should have you all thinking, any new suggestions?"

"Maybe it's time to wake up Discord?" Armor says.

"Let's try everything else first," I reply.

"Have you ever let him absorb all the magic of the alicorns?" Pink asks.

I remember the green and purple alicorn. 'Puny god,' she'd said after doing things to Tirek even I'd never thought of.

"That's something I'd like to avoid as well, but yes it's been tried individually and collectively." It's always the quiet ones.
------------------------------

Tirek awakens and bangs on the side of the metal container. "Get me out of here!" he commands.

The Mighty Poof removes the glass vial from the padding and lets me toss the vial inside. We slam the lid closed and dog the restraints down.

"Scorpion smoke," the Mighty Poof says, "The Zebrafrica shamans use it to 'explore their innermost selves' in 'a moment that lasts a thousand lifetimes'."

"But what if you're an asshole?" I ask.

The screams of rage and terror, and pounding from inside the container answers my question. "I'll have to restrain myself and only do this to him every couple of years."

The Mighty Poof nods as the screams of anguish and terror drown out the chimes of midnight.
------------------------------

I look at the elements of Harmony, all assembled before me, Pink and Armor in the Carousel Boutique. Contacting Rarity directly let me get her over the idea of a talking human very quickly. Having royalty to support my claim didn't hurt. The rest are a gambit of scarily intrigued: Peep, to insulted: Dashie, to embarrassed: Applejack.

"This is all very interesting," Twilie said, "But it doesn't prove he's intelligent."

Communication, knowledge of advanced mathematics, understanding art, science and literature are not proof of intelligence? Not proof of sentience or even sapience I could accept, but not proving intelligence? Humans grant crows and octopi the benefit of the doubt on intelligence by being able to use tools, plan actions and reason cause and effect.

"What would constitute proof?" I ask, "Having four hooves and a tail? Is that the minimum requirement?"

The others wince at my tone.

The purple unicorn smirks. "If you really were intelligent. You would have talked your way out of captivity."

I ignore Armor and Pink's gasp. The particular subject was a hot button, and they remember the last, dark-colored pony who brought that up. I have respect for Little Blue, I have little for Twilie.

"Why didn't you try to talk to them?" Twilie says, all surety and eager hopefulness. And practically word-for-word the question I'd been asked by Little Blue. Her tone implies it was entirely my fault I was in this mess. She's stunned when Armor and Pink both facehoof.

"Pay up," I tell the pair, "I told you she'd deny my intelligence, she'd say that, and that would be the tone of it." I did not tell them this is the second time we did this and it was her behavior the first time.

"I did," I reply sharply to Twilie, "What makes you think they cared?"

I let that settle for a moment before continuing. "I watched all of you at the Grand Galloping Gala. Not one of you bothered to research the customs or reality of the party, and all of you rushed in and imposed your vision on everyone else, despite their wishes and desires. 'This is going to be MY best night ever and Discord take whoever gets in the way'. That was what my captors did. I was product to sell, slaves for the pits. Anything that differed from that had to be pounded into the right shape. They didn't care about the idea that they might make far more money with a talking human, they didn't care to disturb their bosses with the idea, and when I brought it up, I was severely beaten for 'distracting' them."

"They are doing something most ponies think of as immoral, and they generally do it in an illegal manner, so drawing attention to themselves by selling an intelligent human to other buyers would also not have been in their game plan. And let's ignore the morality of selling another intelligent creature into slavery. Considering how cows and sheep are treated by Equestrians, I think I would have been little better off as an intelligent human."

I leave the ponies to think about that as I sit back and watch them. The slaver seems uncomfortable, the braggart seems bored with the whole thing. She's probably going to suggest I should have fought my way out.

"They wouldn't have got me that easily." She crosses her forelegs and hovers in the air.

"Do you honestly want me to put that assertion to the test in front of all your friends?" I ask and grin, "We did this once before. I could have you on the ground, cursing the day you ever heard of the Wonderbolts and begging that your friends never mention them again in your presence, in about 20 seconds, tops. I can show you, and I can even guarantee that I won't harm you. They were very good teachers, and the War Masters taught me even more."

"Uh, no," Dashie says, all her native arrogance much subdued.

"There has to be another way," Twilie says, desperately trying to reason her way out.

"I've studied your history," I tell them, "You only quit treating each other that way after you utterly destroyed your home continent, and you've done nothing to advance beyond that position. Neither treating your livestock as people, nor undoing the ecological disaster you called down on your homeland. Humans, cattle and sheep were partners here, the ponies arrived and put any nonpony into pens and cages."

The others just look at each other, and stare at Twilie to get them the answer that will nullify what I've put forward and return them to the pinnacle of ethical supremacy. To be honest, she's not up to the task. I treated this as I would any other fight. I broke her strongest pillar and showed her more weaknesses than she'd ever considered. Make someone uncertain about which direction is 'safe' or if safety is even possible, and only the most fanatical charge in.

"This is why I don't do this," I whisper to Pink, "It always ends up this way. It's like beating up on a pack of kittens."
------------------------------

I walk out to the enclosure. The others who'd walked with me have dropped away. Mainly to preserve the aura of what I'm doing and that I'm doing it alone, partially so their giggling won't alert my victim.

Discord's statue is in the courtyard, still with his stunned expression. Philomena precedes me, and leaves a gift of her own on Discord's head. I set the ladder against him and climb.

I pat him on the snout. "Hello Discord. It occurred to someone in one of my numerous meetings to find some way out of your oh so humorous time loop that an act of absolute and utter cruelty that would break Celestia's heart forever would be a way out. At the time, we discarded that idea. But as the weeks became months, became years, became decades, I decided to revisit the idea. The cruelties I could release are so myriad, wild and hideous, I finally settled on the one being who truly deserves and can appreciate the horror."

"I have this." I held up a box, on it was a large, red button, and in silver letters 'Discord, do not press!!!'

I put the putty on his stone snout and carefully placed the box where it is directly under his eye and held in place by the putty. "There you go, now, you have something to think about over the long months and years. Just like me, and what does the button do? Why, it does absolutely nothing, except make you wonder. Of course, I'm probably lying, so you'll cavalierly press the button, and suffer a horrible fate. Food for thought." I patted him on the ear. "Bye now."

I climbed down and walked away, and felt the most malignant aura being directed at me. Even in the pit, with a pony or other sentient intent on killing me, I never felt the palpable hatred directed at me as I did then.
------------------------------

The dragon slipped among the shelves of the library in the Pony Sister's Castle. Tricking Tirek into 'dragoning' me had been easy. Escaping Canterlot without succumbing to the temptation to eat somepony was the difficult part. The voice reminding me that everyone I ate would simply be restored the next day rang incessantly in my head during my egress. Ignoring it until I could get away from all others was becoming a strain. Days of facing it took their toll and required nearly a week of recuperation. Teleportation would make the strain of walking through, then flying over pony-held lands go away. But Dragons cannot naturally teleport, ironically, neither can alicorns. But unicorns can.

The black crystals built up under the book to hold it aloft. A dozen other such structures held the books for my perusal. Fashioning a spell of alicorn magic to duplicate one of the highest forms of unicorn magic is taking a lot longer than I had anticipated.

I'd become resigned to this existence. And so, I study. Magic, languages, history, music, every book or painting or treatise was devoured and added to my already burgeoning store of knowledge. The gaps in the ponies' archives were glaring. Dragons, the lands across the seas, and reversing permanent transformations. Since permanent transformations were such hated magic, the counterspells were unknown. Along with long-range teleportation, it is critical I develop such a spell. If the voices continue while I am in human form, I am far less capable of carrying them out as a human. There are also many more places I can lock myself into that are escape proof to a human, which would be like a box made of tissue paper to a fully-grown dragon.

I walk to the alcove of the Tree of Harmony and in a capitulation to the raging fury within, I feast on the Plunder Vines there. My odd food-based synesthesia made them palatable.

Unlike the 'service' I performed for Discord, I feel gratitude from the tree for lessening the presence of the vines. I've even swept them from most of the forest with my alicorn magic.

Which I can only access when I'm in the form of a voracious dragon who sees everything that moves as food. Wonderful.

My condition precludes delving into the archive of other cities as the drives become too strong. And I am nearly through all the 'public' and hidden caches of books and scrolls here and in the Canterlot Archives.

I wonder if the dragonlands have a cache of magical knowledge, or they all brute force and innate magic?

I sigh and return to my studies. There is also the need to store all this knowledge. With a better understanding of holography than any pony on the planet, creating a crystal to store the data should be easy, but it's another task to consume the years as they stretch on.
------------------------------

The possibility that reforming Tirek is the key had occurred to my brain trust many cycles ago. So I began, and I doubt that Tirek appreciates my efforts. I couldn't care less. Considering his intent, his acceptance of my 'help' is not necessary. I first must neutralize his threat, then I must reform his thinking. Eventually, I will have to have a major effect on him in a short period of time. One day, fifteen hours, to break him down, and rebuild him.

"So, tell me about your brother, especially that incident when you were ten and he got a pony ride for his eighth birthday, and you hadn't gotten one for yours," I ask the bound Tirek. Neutralizing his powers was easy, he alone doesn't create the 'he's food eat him' visions, so perhaps rehabilitating him is the answer.

Tirek looks at me in horror. As a strictly Freudian analyst, we've been at this a long time. He shows rage, then bursts into inconsolable weeping.

"Wasn't your brother willing to share?" I ask.

And the weeping grows worse.
------------------------------

The white cobra writhes in the grip of the python. She tries to hold her breath against the grip of the python. Until she is penetrated, then she gasps and the he-python grips her tighter.

I am going to have to understand the fascination of the Great White in being 'overwhelmed and sexually exploited'. I eased up on the tightness of the grip my transformed form had on hers. I already knew of her fascination, having played this role many times. The look of rapture on her face is always similar.

As we twist and roll, one point remains fixed until I finish, then it's back to both of us coiling one on another, winding round and round, scaly skin rubbing on scaly skin. It feels rather good, but the Great White is in Heaven about it.

I've got to figure this one out.
------------------------------

I settle behind one of Little Blue's most powerful telescopes to overlook Ponyville. Tirek had returned home. A six-minute speech, then a ten-minute dialog reduced the tyrant to a desperate wretch only wanting to go home and reconcile with his brother.

I'd then used my studied magic to 'dedragon' myself; I'd placed the box on Discord's nose; I'd generated the crystal that held all the magical knowledge I'd cataloged and created; I'd seen the alicorns off to Ponyville without them knowing about the time loop; I'd shown the Lady a wonderful time among some of the few decent ponies at the evening's party; and finally I'd come here to observe the lights burning late in the Ponyville Library. Unfortunately, I was not able to rid myself of the voice providing various suggestions, the appearance of ponies as the sight and smell of food items I knew I'd never get in Equestria, and the exhaustion of controlling my dragon-instinct every moment of the day and night.

Philomena arrives. She chirps worriedly, a sound I interpret as 'are you feeling all right?' That she looks and smells like the best fried chicken is an irony not lost on me.

"I'm just tired," I admit. I tell her the day's accomplishments, then the stinger, "This is the tenth time. I just don't know what else to do. The others don't have any ideas. I've killed Tirek, I've reimprisoned him, I've talked him into returning home; I've kept the team in meetings all day, I've sent them on their way to enjoy their party, and I've taken days off to play with all of them; I've dragoned, I've not dragoned, and I've dragoned and then dedragoned. I give up. I can't think of anything else I can do. Nothing seems to help."

She chirps nervously. Asking if she can try her technique, of using her flames to 'rebirth' me.

"It is something we've done before to no avail. That is something we haven't tried with this sequence of events," I say, then glance around. "But let's go somewhere a bit more fireproof first."

I leave my spot by the telescope and climb the ladder to the slate roof.
------------------------------
Omake (a different 'villain'):

Percy checked his costume and looked over his companion's. "You do realize that making a mockery of Nightmare Moon isn't likely to insult Princess Luna very much?"

"This allows me to mock ponies, and still serve as a peace offering," the dehorned, one-winged 'alicorn' answered. "I will take to dual opportunity."

He nodded as they walked towards the grand ballroom where the party proper would be taking place. "I wonder what they're doing in Ponyville."

"I care not," she replied, "Not when the miasma of evil grows strong in that direction."

"Damn, and I was hoping this wasn't All-Hallows Eve'," he said as he started trotting in that direction.

" 'All-Hallows Eve'?" she asked as she took up right-flank rear.

"When the barrier between worlds grows thin and unnatural things slip across. And humans dress up in scary costumes to frighten them back over the line until All-Hallows Day restores the boundaries for another year."

"I've never heard such a legend," she said.

"Like I said, I was hoping the ponies had no need to remember it," he said. The 'miasma' was concentrated in Celestia's quarters. This close, even he could feel it. Before he could reach for the door, the knob moved of its own accord, and the door slowly swung open.

"Celestia?" he asked seeing the figure that was the Solar Diarch's double, save for her pink mane and tail.

The doppleganger chuckled. "Hello my little ponies," she said and giggled, "Are you ready to play the rape game?"

Percy and his ally glanced at each other with an expression of 'is she kidding?'

"More than thou, eh?" the creature disguised as a crippled Nightmare Moon asked.

"That is the general idea," Percy replied.

"They really do that stuff in Neighpon?" she asked.

"There's a lot of art about it," Percy said, and nodded. They charged the Celestia figure and slammed the door behind them.
------------------------------

Celestia, Luna and Cadence walked through the corridors. The party here was long over, and only the night guards seemed to be about.

"It was silly, and crass, and demeaning," Luna said and stuck her nose in the air.

"And fun?" Cadence asked.

Luna managed to keep her hauteur, but the smile crept in. "And fun." Her ears flickered. "Sister, someone sings in your chambers."

Celestia grew worried. "It sounds like I'm singing." She broke into a run, with Luna and Cadence falling in behind, as well as a few guards. All three alicorns charged their horns before Celestia wrenched the door open and they charged through. Immediately, Celestia slammed the door closed and conjured a 'Do Not Disturb' message on the outside of the door. The guards stopped, took up positions and sent for a company of reinforcements.

Celestia looked in horror at her apparent near-double hanging from the ceiling. The creature had her 'ankles' bound to lengths of pipe including a crossing 'X' that kept her legs and feet a set distance apart. A harness kept her just touching the floor with the very tips of her hooves and her mane and tail were bound firmly to the cable suspending her.

"There was a hole in the middle of the ground
The prettiest hole that you ever did see.
Well, the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around and around
And the green grass grew all around.

And in this hole there was a root
The prettiest root that you ever did see
Well the root in the hole
And the hole in the ground
And the green grass grew all around and around
And the green grass grew all around," she creature crooned softly, occasionally whimpering as she slowly rotated.

Percy stared at the charge of the alicorns, then opened the cooler he had beside him. "Popsicles?"

"POPSICLES," the creature squealed, "cHErRy, BubbLUEbErrY, L - L - L -"

"Lemon," Percy said.

The creature hung her head and sobbed, "Lemon."

Celestia leaned close to look at it. She jumped back when it screamed, "soFt, rIpe, FuLl PEACH!" And began sobbing again.

Celestia looked from the creature, to Percy, and back. Percy shrugged. She glanced at Luna and Cadence who were wild-eyed and pressed against the door.

Celestia raised the creature's head with her hoof. It was like looking into her own face, if she'd suddenly faced a terror undreamt of that had also stripped her of any reason to live.

The creature smiled and laughed, or sobbed, Celestia couldn't really tell which. "yOu, anD, hIM?" it asked.

"Yes, he's very gentle and attentive," Celestia said and smiled at the warm memories. "Better even that Maria-Ann."

"MARIA-ANN," the creature hissed and tried to retreat as far as her restraint allowed, "Maria-Ann was a pony! That -!" she shouted over the noise of her hooftips scrabbling for grip on the floor, then she locked eyes with Percy and her struggles ceased, and her hooves dragged across the floor as the restraints pulled her back to the center of the room. "That isn't human." She broke down sobbing again.

Celestia felt a great tide of Schadenfreude. She knew it was unworthy, but so was the thing in front of her. "He'll be here next year too." Now Celestia had the horrified creature's undivided attention. "MaYbE soMe NiCe ColD SteaKS," she offered, mocking the creature's disjointed speech, "Or ORangeS."

The creature's eyes grew wide and again it tried to retreat using just its hoof tips to drag it away.

"Oranges I think, a big bag of oranges, yeP!" Celestia made a special effort to 'pop' the P.

The creature whimpered in terror.

Outside the tolling of a bell told that the day was ending and the next beginning. "We'd better raise the sun and lower the moon," Celestia said, and leaned close to the creature, "And you can go home, would you like that, or I can keep you here. Percy can get so lonely at times."

The creatures shook its head ever so slightly. "No," she whispered.

Celestia smiled and turned her attention to Cadence and Luna who seemed almost as terrified as the creature was. "Well, who's up for breakfast?" She glanced over to Percy, "I know what I want!"

"Sausages?" Percy asked as the creature faded from sight and he leaned against Celestia.

"Just one," Celestia wrapped her wing around him, holding him tight against her, "Just enough to let you sleep. Before you start frightening the guards."

"So, did the rest of you have fun?" Percy asked, before they opened the door.