I Am Not Spartacus - Spartacus Dressed Up as Whom? (Part 1)
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Celestia felt odd. She should have felt glorious. The day with the children had been one of wonder. Shorn of most of the useless pageantry that wound her round and round, without the 'cunning' artifice of the nobles, simply answering and asking questions, playing games, and running free for one day. Now she was here with Percy with his usually industrious and unexpected ways, and a niggling little concern ate at the enjoyment. Standing in the shadows, half-remembered, but still there.

Ever wonderful, sensuous and orgiastic things he did, did nothing to drive away the perverse feeling that there was something wrong, that something was lacking. Like the ticking of an ancient grandfather clock in an empty mansion, with the chime to herald something unexpected.

She realized that this wasn't the event, she and he were cuddled up together, dozing after . . . and that's when she realized, He has been doing for me, to me. My response has been lackluster and spotty. He goes to sleep on orgasm, so I have been content to make it 'adequate' and leave it at that. No more. I know what stallions like, and a bit about humans. This I must make memorable.

She kissed him, soft, slow, letting her tongue play over his. Even almost exhausted she was stronger, and had to be gentle. Then if I am the stronger let us play that, she thought.

"A little nap," she told him, and glanced to the whisper galleries, "Maybe some snacks before we go again." She thought she heard hooves rushing away.

Is serving there during these sessions an honor, or a sentence? she wondered.

She seriously toned down the grin she felt bubbling up inside. "And I don't mind if you fall asleep after, I'll probably join you." She kissed him again and gathered him against her. She lay, feigning sleep as he dozed. She felt physically tired, but her spirit was soaring, as if all bonds had been released. She touched briefly on his dreams, but knew not how to enter them, that was Lulu's specialty. She did feel him snuggle against her, seeking warmth and security in her body and presence. She rested and planned her next move.
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The meeting had been too long delayed. The girl looked at her counterpart and smiled, proof she wasn't standard issue. The answering smile completed the cycle.

"You have one, I have another," the other girl said, "Neither trusts the other enough to meet save in neutral ground, which would prevent a proper meeting."

"Unless the circle is widened, we will have no middle ground to accomplish our desired goals," the girl told the other.

"Simple enough, you reveal yourself, in my place," the other said.

The girl was shocked. "You never approved of us."

"There is approval, and there is necessity. Reveal yourself, a bit of your history, and the rules of the interaction. Then escort him to your holy-of-holies," the other explained.

The girl nodded. "He is coming. The Old, Foul One. We can sense him stirring, even now."

"Then there is both opportunity, and danger. We will not fail the humans again," the other girl said.

"Nor shall we," the girl said. The other agreed and slipped away into the darkness.

The girl thought, and considered the best way to accomplish the goal she'd set for herself since she fledged. No time like the present.
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Luna 'listened' in on the dreams that her sister and Percy shared. Merging them was difficult, but she felt another hand, or tentacle, guiding hers.

Predictably, the dream was prosaic. Young lovers on a picnic. Eating, chasing around, playing grab flank, and ultimately making love on the picnic blanket under the open sky.

Luna snorted. Ruler of an entire nation, a mage to put all the spellcasters of legend to shame, a figure of awe to ponies and others, she thought, And when allowed to do whatever she wants, she has a romantic rendezvous prosaic to the point of ennui.

Jealous, her helper thought from her spot at the bottom of the cavern lake.

As I said, she could have anything, and she chose this, Luna said.

She cannot 'have anything', the Lady rebuked Luna, Even you demand she be more esoteric and fascinating than all others.

Luna winced at the truth of the statement.

The Lady of the Lake hadn't finished, Only one being in all of Equestria lets her simply play. Even turbulent Discord demanded she play his game, and not her own. You wonder why her attraction to him is so strong. All of you have expectations you thrust upon her like great chains. And she's foolish and weak enough not to strike back and break free.

She is neither foolish nor weak, Luna almost shouted aloud.

Oh, then how did her student know nothing of her heart? How does her sister know so little of her heart? Why does a slave, rescued from you ponies at your unalloyed worst, understand her better than all the chiefs and nobles and queens she deals with every day? Because they are the same. Would she manhandle you to get what she wanted? No. Only her kindred spirit, a slave with a self-destructive, thrill-seeking streak, can let her be who she is, without driving her away, or being afraid.

Luna frowned. Just to prove you wrong, I'll let her do as she wishes Nightmare Night. Whatever she does, whatever happens.

Unless she endangers herself, the Lady replied, You ponies always go beyond sense with oaths.

Very well, but I will let her do as she wishes, Luna replied.

Fighting tooth and nail with a slave for your sister's love, the Lady replied, Do you not think she has enough for both?

Luna wanted to beat her head against the throne in frustration at this creature's easy flaying of her defenses to lay bare her thoughts and fears.
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Sugar Rain and Honey Bronze stood in the Sun Room, and watched her Highness go from one costume to the next. The two guards watched their beloved ruler dither over each one. It should have been funny, but the pair were past apprehensive, and were verging on terrified.

"Relax," Milestone said as he arrived with Percy, "Help has arrived." The old sergeant withdrew smirking, but the two guards felt some relief.

The sexual escapades between Percy and Her Highness had been something of a terror for both of the guards, but they'd also seen that Percy alone was unafraid of simply giving the Solar Diarch the physical touch that calmed her when nothing else would.

Celestia looked at the newcomer staring at her feverish uncertainty, and smiled.

Both guards relaxed immeasurably as their charge and liege seemed to understand she had a friend with her. She cast a spell, and Percy stood as an alicorn.

Percy glanced at them and seemed to grimace. Both guards felt their incipient lust evaporate on a field of shame.

"You're not pretty princess. You're the slave of Nightmare Moon. And Nightmare's not right in the head," he said, almost chuckling at the picture he was painting.

Celestia looked utterly stunned, as if seeing a thing of transcendent beauty and majesty. As both guards had felt on first laying eyes upon her in the flesh. Percy was grinning as if he had found the last slice of cake, and knew he had time to finish it before anyone else arrived. But as Celestia's expression became more enthralled, even he began to worry.

He very carefully rubbed his horn on hers and then licked an ear.

"Percy, not in front of the guards," she chided, but was grinning.

"They'd seen it before," he replied.

"Yes, but you get the inside of their armor all sweaty," she said.

Both guards blushed so hard they nearly overcame the 'whitening' enchantment.

"How about the inside of the Great White's armor," he asked, and licked her ear again. "Now, what are you going to do to all your poor, little ponies?"

Celestia Solar, all-compassionate and spiritual mother of all ponies, gave a grin that would have frightened Nightmare Moon out of a century's restful sleep.
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Gravel Shade had never felt unwelcome in the guard, but thestrals had always been Princess Luna's troops, and after her fall to Nightmare Moon, there remained a faint aura of failure surrounding them. 'How could you not see it?' was the unasked and unanswered question that surrounded their entire service. That not even her own sister had either, was not a subject that was discussed.

That he'd transferred to Luna's guard the instant the princess had returned was a given. That he'd been seconded to a human and Celestia's pet, seemed more a punishment detail than anything else. The dust mask and goggles for the 'important project' made it seem even more like a punishment detail.

The three of them cleared a path through the debris of a series of abandoned storerooms. And the human seemed to get very testy if anything here, ancient and fragile as it was, received any mishandling.

Gravel Shade followed the pit-fighting circuit. Many ponies did, while being officially horrified. He knew damned well what the Crimson Death could do, even to a trained and armed soldier. The fact Percy was a pampered pet of the alicorns was something too far above Gravel's paygrade to even consider. But if that creature got in his face because he nearly dropped a hand mirror, Gravel Shade was going to be damned careful about touching anything in these dusty storage rooms.

The door they had been 'digging' for was at last revealed, and had all blockage cleared so it could be opened.

"We must be almost against the tower wall," Gravel said as he searched for a light.

The phoenix brightened, casting a ruddy, lurid glow over the nearly empty bay. What it was hovering over made all the digging and the vehement preservation understandable.

"This all was Princess Luna's," he gasped.

Percy patted him on the head, as if a rather stupid foal had gotten a lesson right. He then examined the mechanism that operated the sally port for this bay, and its contents.

Gravel Shade got the distinct impression that he'd been the only one of the three who hadn't known exactly what was going on.

Great, a human and a bird figured it out before I did, he mentally grumped, It's not like they could actually understand or get a briefing before they came out here.
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"You need to relax," Captain Armor said as we walked along.

Celestia felt intensely nervous about this, but Percy had insisted. They were family, and needed a 'family night' out. Not the ALICORN SISTERS AND RETINUE, but two sisters and their niece with their boyfriends. Celestia had giggled at the idea of Percy being her boyfriend, but it was a better, more comfortable thought than her concubine.

Of course she wore a disguise, and it was apparent that Percy could see right through it. More of Discord's work, or just his natural abilities? Celestia wondered as they strolled.

She focused a moment on the banter. "I heard Shining Armor use the word 'relax'! The world must be coming to an end!" she said and put a foreleg across her eyes in 'despair'. The others laughed, and Percy nearly grinned at her letting herself have fun. She stuck out her tongue at him.

"I am doing this in the service of the Crowns," Captain 'Blueblood' told them.

Celestia watched the others, then Percy rested a hand on her back and she nuzzled him. He's right, we all need to stop being who we must be, and we who we are for a little while, she thought.

" 'Scratchers'?" Cadence asked.

Celestia tried not to giggle. She glared at Armor, then at Percy, but neither took note. Poor little Lulu, to bring her to such a place, she thought and nearly had to stab herself to keep from laughing at the magnificent prank the two were about to play on the younger alicorns.

"Isn't this the military tavern?" Cadence asked.

Armor shrugged. "It is a hangout for guards off-duty," he said, and waved any concern away, "The food is okay, it's the ambiance that's the thing. I think the Princesses will like it. I know Percy will, although he may be taking notes half the night."

One princess will like it, the others will scream blue-murder, Celestia thought as they entered.

Percy looked at Armor and raised an eyebrow, which Armor returned. Celestia looked around, and tried to see what the boys were getting ready to pull. She couldn't see any set up for a joke. She continued to their booth warily, but with an expectation of fun. Once there, she found the wine list. The selection of wines is impressive. And a lot of them are the good ones that are too 'low-class' to be served to a princess, she thought and grinned, Oh! They sell by the glass, as well as by the bottle. Well, I don't have to be up before the sun, so . . . I AM going to enjoy myself.

Percy seemed to be blowing in Luna's ear. But her growing panic made it more likely he was whispering to her. Several of the humans in the tavern were massaging or giving ponies a healthy scratch. She tried to catch Percy's eye, but he seemed to be working on Luna.

Cadence obviously overheard, and shoved Luna and Percy out of the booth. "Yes, go have fun."

Celestia focused on stage, and hid her grin in the menu to keep her fiendish glee from scarring the others forever. Celestia peeked over the top of her menu as Percy hauled Lulu to the stage. She let out a snort of entirely inappropriate laughter as Lulu's stage fright came to for full force. "What's he going to do, balance things on her?" Celestia asked as her petrified sister stared at the crowd.

"Hello everyone," Percy said.

WHA? Celestia tried to scream, but Armor was holding her back, and Cadence had cast a silencing spell over their table so no one could hear the ruckus.

"This is Princess Luna, and I am Percy," he said, only his voice showing any emotion.

"Good ventriloquist act," Cadence said to Celestia, seeming the very soul and fount of innocence. Celestia looked at her with horror.

"Wave to the crowd your Highness, wave, wave," Percy said and waved.

Celestia double facehoofed, and nearly quadruple, as it became clear.

"I think the faked stage fright really sells it," Armor asked Cadence, "Don't you?"

She considered, then nodded. "Indubitably."

Celestia just stared at the pair, then caught the waitress' eye and ordered two bottles of wine. The others could get their own drinks. It's going to be that kind of evening, she thought as she considered her next bottle.

Percy seemed to have run out of material as he looked at the laughing crowd. Celestia stifled the impulse to rush up and do something. He knows what he's doing, and he has them all in his forehoof. Just relax. Nopony will think it's him.

"Okay, you've got me," Percy said, "Her Highness' stage fright is too much for her, so, I'll be doing my own act. Isn't it always the way? I do all the work, she gets all the credit."

Celestia stared in worry. What is he going to do? she thought, He won't hurt Lulu, is he going to sing, or what?

Armor and Cadence had been watching the act and were busily laughing themselves sick. Celestia saw Percy's calculating look, although few would have read it as calculation. This is the act, this is the performance. That's what he meant. In another world, he might have been a thespian. Heck, he is one here. Playing a part every day, like me. This is just a different part, another stage.

Percy began his recitation. The words washed over her, but the gestures, the tone and the fire was all there. That little window she had peered into was here for all to see. He was putting his soul on display.

She saw the mesmerized expressions as the ponies saw and heard. Most were guards, and the families of guards, who'd heard and experienced the themes Percy was expounding. Little nods and nuzzles as they recognized the subtle injustices of the nobles against the ubiquitous guards. The 'joke' of Equestria's defense. But they aren't a joke to themselves. They do their best, and because of that, only the most overwhelming problems trouble the ponies as a whole. Sometimes success is not as welcome as you'd think. It highlights the few failures too well.

The sudden silence shocked Celestia out of her thoughts. She looked around the room and not a soul moved. Even the foals stared in rapture at Percy. A tear coursed down a cheek here and there, but nopony moved. Celestia stomped her hooves in applause and in moments the room, the entire building shook with it. Not for Princess Luna, but the power of the message.

Lulu will get the credit, of course, Celestia thought as she applauded, But we'll all know what happened.

Lulu smiled a bit as Percy raised his hand for quiet. The silence that descended was hungry. The ponies wanted more, wanted to hear and to see. Wanted it more than they could understand.

Like Lulu, Celestia thought, This is affirmation. Seeing that what you know is true displayed on a broader canvas.

She let the words wash over her, and the images and gestures paint a picture of the guards and their humans on patrol in the rougher parts of the kingdom, of the 'wars' against the bandits that plagued all the nations. More important, it gives them an insight into their humans' thoughts. That even though they aren't as intelligent as ponies, they still feel love and loyalty.

She frowned at the thought. If only we felt the same, she lamented.

"Damn straight!" somepony nearby yelled

"You tell'em your Highness!" another guard in the corner shouted as thunderous applause raced through the tavern. They returned to the booth.

Then she saw how terrified Lulu still was. "That was supposed to be relaxing? You nearly gave me a heart attack. Luna's so relaxed, you could use her as a sledge hammer."

Lulu grinned a bit but still seemed withdrawn. She's clearly thinking, thinking deep thoughts she would share with no one, until she is ready.

Celestia just rolled her eyes and looked at the menu. "You two are hopeless."

"Maybe if we sing a duet," Cadence suggested.

Celestia briefly considered bopping her niece with the menu.
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"Your Highness," the old soldier said as he stood there rolling his cap in his hooves, "I just want to, I have to say, I am very, uh."

"You're welcome, and thank you for your service to our country, and my sister," Luna said.

The pony put his hat back on and walked away standing ten-feet tall.

"T'k oo," a little filly said to Percy.

"Oh honey, it was Princess Luna who, well," the older sister in the guards' uniform said as Percy leaned over and hugged the little one. The guard bowed and Percy handed the mare her sister back.

The whole evening had been like that. Ponies coming over to thank her.

Luna glanced at Percy, who showed no acrimony at having his wonderful performance confiscated by the Lunar Crown. Like an iceberg, one thing on the surface, and a vast mystery down below. What are you, to have these talents? There are ponies of fifty-years who can't do one of the things you master so handily. Yet, you are a human. Who trained you? You were captured as an adult. But your talents would take a human's entire lifetime to master. What are you?

Luna glanced at Celestia. Her disguise still baffled the eye, ear and nose, but the six bottles of wine were finally opening up the vast walls of reserve the once sole now Solar Diarch had built up over the decades and centuries. She hugged Cadence and even Armor occasionally. Told a few off-color jokes when there weren't children about. She's free, for tonight at least. Free of the collar that a crown really is, Luna thought and thanked another almost incoherent pony for their service and their appreciation of her act.

It was quite late when they left. Not last call, but not early. Luna recognized the tune that Celestia was humming as she occasionally nuzzled Cadence and Armor, about the 'rape' of a female dragon by a male minotaur.

"Crawling and crawling and crawling around, for the nubble to be found," Celestia sang a bit of the chorus aloud, then giggled.

Thank all the powers that no one but me remembers that song, Luna thought as she walked beside Percy, the two of them leaning against each other. Like the rest of them, he was pleasantly sozzled, but he still maintained an iron control. Also like Celestia. Was the one on stage what he truly is? Is that him stripped of all the misdirection, the smoke and mirrors? And is that what we've become as a people? To look at someone like that, and batter them into what we need? Do we do the same to each other? That can't be right. She glanced at her sister who was now humming another ancient, ribald, and obscure barracks room ballad about a stallion who got drunk and married eleven identical sisters because he thought the drink made him see double.

It's what everypony does to 'THE SOLAR DIARCH', Luna thought, If they do it to the top, and they do it to the bottom, of course they do it to the middle. She needs to be allowed to play. I guess I should ask her to come with Cadence and me to Ponyville. No, don't ask, let her choose, but let her know she's welcome to come.

Luna felt better about herself and the past few days as they walked the palace corridors.

Celestia excused herself and walked with deliberate grandeur towards her chambers. "Infinite bottles of wine on the wall, infinite bottles of wine. Take one down, guzzle it down, infinite bottles of wine on the wall!"

So much for grandeur, Luna thought as she returned to her apartment and a late night nap.
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Luna had been ecstatic when Gravel Shade had brought her news of the cache of her old things that had been uncovered. But this air-chariot is the best, she thought as she looked it over. The upholstery was rotten, the tack was disintegrating, but the rest of it was perfect.

"We could polish it, get all the tarnish off," Cadence offered and smiled weakly.

Luna rolled her eyes. "It is perfect. The tarnish stays. I frankly never liked the shiny," she said as she cleared the cobwebs from the interior. "That was Celestia's idea," she added under her breath.

Percy was greasing the wheels, and checking the undercarriage, but the enchanted, silver alloy would last ten-thousand years. She tried not to laugh at Gravel Shade looking worriedly at Percy.

"I think I know who really found it," Luna whispered to Cadence.

The other alicorn nodded slightly.

"So how's the costume?" Luna asked Cadence.

Cadence put on her minimal costume. Luna read the sign around Cadence's neck. "Who is my number one minion?"

I sometimes wonder if my sister waits outside of doors for her entry cues, Luna thought.

"Is Mistress ready to spread darkness and evil over all the little ponies?" Celestia said.

Cadence was about to protest the absolutely horrible costume when Luna covered her mouth. Let her play, Luna told herself, Everyone else is throwing up all these rules and restriction. Let. Her. Play.

The costume was beyond awful. A bad idea, poorly executed, and worse constructed. Is that supposed to be someone dressing up as Nightmare? Luna burned to ask, but kept silent.

"You're going to Ponyville looking like that?" Cadence asked as she reached over and shut Luna's mouth.

"Oh course?" Celestia said as she took a pose, seemed to stumble then successfully took it. Luna knew how difficult it was to seem that clumsy.

"Am I a pretty princess?" Celestia asked as Cadence and Luna both facehoofed.

"Other than the fact poor Twilight will die of heart failure," Cadence said, with the expression of a foalsitter finding out why the children have suddenly gone quiet, "Nothing I can't think of."

"Good, I must away to the minion-mobile!" Celestia shouted and drunkenly dashed off.

"I think she's going to enjoy this more than you are," Cadence confided.

Luna was glaring at Percy. I know what I promised, but can no one else show a little sense? she wanted to shout.
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Cadence looked over Luna's costume, and approved. She looked over Celestia's costume, and was appalled. She looked over the 'minion-mobile', and decided to accept the rational universe had decamped and left no forwarding address.

"A knighthood for all three of you!" Celestia said with utter and accordant delight. "The Order of the Alicorn, for personal Service to the Crown."

"Can it be posthumous?" Luna said. Calling her delivery leaden would absolutely not carry the gloom and despair needed to describe her tone.

"Good news, Nightmare and Discord have invited you to their wedding," Cadence whispered to Luna.

"That would be an improvement," Luna replied.

About a third of the guards detailed for this wear Celestia's delighted expression, Cadence thought, The other two-thirds wear Luna's decidedly undelighted expression. The fact that they were at parade rest when Percy and Philomena brought the minion-mobile in kept the spontaneous suicides to a minimum.

She couldn't remember seeing Celestia so happy. I doubt it compares with Luna's return, but I never saw that, Cadence thought, Oh, heck with it. Anyone else I'd agree, it's hilarious. Cadence chuckled, as Celestia pinned the medals on. It went to a hoof-pounding guffaw as she realized Celestia had brought the medals with her, so knew about the design and staffing.

Luna's sideward gaze would have curdled cement. "Does it have to be so . . . "

"Yes," Celestia said, as bright and shiny as the vehicle itself, "And I get to pull it!"

One of the more uptight guards fainted. Even the happy ones looked a little nervous.

"Show you that my flanks aren't all sitting around and eating cake!" Celestia said regally.

Everypony took their cue from Percy. No one was going to touch that line with a milepost.

"Well, your chariot is ready, so is Cadence's, and I'll be bringing the guards," Celestia said and bowed, "Mistress, shall we begin the siege of Ponyville?"

Luna opened her mouth, but only managed to nod.

"Hurray! Terror! Pillage! Setting mooses on fire! Chasing ponies with a stick! Hurrah!" Celestia announced.

"Someone is going to pay dearly for this," Luna said to Percy and Armor, with their nice, shiny medals.

Cadence returned to her chariot. Her four guards were there, the 'Four Corners' as Percy called them. The unicorns Light Song and Bright Treasure, and the pegasi pulling the chariot Spring Forest and Lonely Tears. "Are you ready for an adventure?" Cadence asked.

The four mares exchanged glances. "What was all the secrecy about?" Light Song asked.

Cadence decided to do the most evil thing she could think of. "I won't tell you, it'll spoil the surprise."

The guards rolled their eyes and took up their stations. The chariot was soon airborne. And then canted violently sideways, as the 'minion-mobile' came into view in its full glory against the twilight sky.

"What, is that?" Light Song asked, "No, don't tell me. Her Highness is pulling that thing?"

"I won't tell you," Cadence said as the chariot stabilized and fell into formation with the others.

"Thank you, I'm praying I've gone completely mad," Light Song said.

The arrival in the sudden storm cloud stunned the Ponyvillians. As did Luna's announcement that the town was now under the rule of Nightmare Moooooooooon. The timed crash of thunder highlighted it.

Cadence had spotted Pinkie Pie as her own chariot headed in to land. She jumped out and tackled the Element Bearer.

"Where are the ponies?" Nightmare Luna thundered. Causing the shocked residents to grovel even harder.

Cadence dropped Pinkie Pie in front of Luna and kept a hoof on her. "My liege, this chicken has tried to disguise itself as a pony to throw us off," Cadence said, "We should search the homes, and demand our tribute."

"Yes, dispatch my soldiers," Luna thundered, and her only reaction to the arrival of the minion-mobile was a twitching eye. As they spotted it, everyone else in the town square began to suspect they'd been had.

"Soldiers, dragoon these imposters, these creatures disguising themselves as ponies. Search the town, if there are ponies, they may provide tribute, or I shall consume them raw!"

"Yes, your terribleness!" Celestia called, and saluted, knocking herself out.

"Does anyone want an evil minion, cheap?" Luna asked the crowd. The smiling guards and the buffoonery penetrated even to the kids. The whole atmosphere relaxed.

"Princess Celestia?!"

Almost, Cadence thought and turned to face the stunned unicorn mare.

"Ha!" Cadence dashed forward and collected Spike to display to Luna. "A dragon disguised as a, uh, I had it."

"A dragon," Luna said.

"Yes, my liege, but what is it disguised as?" Cadence asked.

"A dragon," Luna said and facehoofed. Some of the crowd managed a chuckle, until her bat cape flew away. Luna looked up at them. "Come back, you're the only ones who make sense around here!"

Number One minion was on her hooves again and charged her student. "Behold!" Celestia said and nudged Twilight closer, "I have captured Star-Swirl the Bearded single hoofedly!"

"Star Swirl's a stallion," Cadence said, "And he's been dead for centuries."

"LICH!" Celestia screamed, leaped up and over, to hide behind Luna.

Twilight's eyes blinked a few times, but that was all that moved.

"Ha! Paralyzed by my magnificence! My maleficence! My -!"

"Sense of smell?" Celestia offered.

"Why do I put up with you?" Luna asked.

"No one else had references?" Celestia replied.

"Just because you knew Discord and Sombra, does not make you supervillain material."

"Uh, can I get up now?" Pinkie asked.

"Oh, sure sorry Pinkie," Cadence said, then looked at Luna, "I mean, grr, rawr, begone, arrr."

"MONSTERS!" Pinkie shrieked and departed.

Cadence glanced around. "Lonely Tears, when Twilight wakes up, bring her to the party games."

"Ma'am," the guard said and saluted.

Cadence noted that a small group of colts and fillies were still following Luna and Celestia.

"This is a game?" Luna said of the toss the spider game. "Tis cheating most foul!" she announced, setting the operator trembling. "Should be done, thus." Luna transformed into a giant spider and leapt at the web. She landed dead center. "Ha! I am victorious! What is my reward? I seem to be stuck."

Celestia handed Cadence an ax handle, and the two approached the ensnared Diarch.
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"You should tremble at your punishment for treason," Luna told them.

"Yes mistress," Cadence and Luna said. Both touched their new name badges, 'Minoin Number Three' and 'Minoan Number Four'. A colt named Pipsqueak and a filly named Dinky now bore the rank, privileges and name tags of Numbers 1 and 2.

Lonely Tears was arriving with a still nonplused Twilight Sparkle.

"Hi," Twilight said as they approached the apple-bobbing tub.

"Maybe later," Celestia said, throwing Twilight's train of thought off the track and rolling it into the canyon below. Where it exploded.

"Well, howdee, yer Highnesses," Applejack hailed them, "Enjoying Ponyville's Nightmare Night?"

"Ha, a trick to force the starving into humiliating attempts to quench their insatiable hunger!" Luna announced. Cadence took off like a scalded cat. Even Celestia stared at her departure.

Applejack looked at the Diarchs and the still stunned Twilight. "Uh, no, it's bobbing for apples," Applejack said dunked her face in and came up with an apple between her teeth.

Luna turned to her number four minion. "She does it better than you," Luna told her.

Celestia let out a heartbreaking whimper.

"Beside, there is a better way!" Luna announced, and thrust her horn through an apple, "Ha! See what happens when you trifle with the incomparably invincible might of Nightmare Moon!"

"Kinda hard to eat it from there," Applejack replied, "Ain't it?"

Luna tried several futile attempts and contortions to bring the tip of her horn closer to her mouth. To no avail. "Betrayed by my own intelligence," Luna said and bowed her head.

"Mine!" Dinky shouted and grabbed the apple off the tip of Luna's horn.

"Ah, yes, I planned that all along, as ah, a reward for your excellent service!" Luna announced. Even Dinky and Pipsqueak didn't buy it.

"Uh, what's going on?" Twilight asked, "You're doing this for Nightmare Night." She smiled.

"Traitor!" Cadence shouted from the air as she dove on a cloud they'd been ignoring as it followed them. "Wearing Shadowbolt colors, then preparing an ambush!"

Rainbow Dash stood up on the cloud in her Shadowbolt costume. "What?"

"In the name of Love, I mean Nightmare Moon I shall punish you!" Cadence thundered, and managed to get a thunder clap.

ZOT! The beam missed Rainbow, but did evaporate her cloud. ZOT! ZOT!

Twilight obviously was trying to say something about the scene, of her gentle, forbearing foalsitter, hurling salvoes of death beams at, and almost keeping up with one of the finest fliers in Equestria.

Rainbow said it best, "YaAAAAAAH!"

ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!

"She has been practicing," Celestia said, and Luna agreed.

"YAAAAAAAHHHHH!" ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!

Applejack looked at the whole scene, shrugged and continued. "So, yer Highness, y'all want ta give it a try?" Applejack asked.

"Certainly!" Celestia said and plunged her entire head into the tub. They all waited for a bit, but she didn't seem to be moving. Then a small stream of bubbles broke the surface. Then another.

"She fell asleep?" Applejack asked.

Luna stared at her sister snoring at the bottom of a tub of water, and facehoofed.
------------------------------

"I brought you candy!" Celestia announced to Luna.

"Very well, place it before me," Luna commanded.

Nothing poured out of the upturned bucket, Celestia even looked through it to see where the candy had gone. Celestia looked absolutely miserable. "There's a hole in the bucket, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, there's a hole in the bucket, dear Nightmare, a hole."

Luna sighed. "Then mend it, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, then mend it, dear Minion, dear Minion, mend it."

Celestia brightened, then became downcast. "With what shall I mend it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? With what shall I mend it, dear Nightmare, with what?"

Luna looked at the giggling children and told her minion in saccharine tones, "With a straw, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, with a straw, dear Minion, dear Minion, with a straw."

"The straw is too long, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, the straw is too long, dear Nightmare, too long."

"Then cut it, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, then cut it, dear Minion, dear Minion, cut it."

"With what shall I cut it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? With what shall I cut it, dear Nightmare, with what?"

"With a knife, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, with a knife, dear Minion, dear Minion, with a knife."

"The knife is too dull, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, the knife is too dull, dear Nightmare, too dull."

"Then it has lots of company," Luna said, "Then sharpen it, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, then sharpen it, dear Minion, dear Minion, sharpen it."

"On what shall I sharpen it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? On what shall I sharpen it, dear Nightmare, on what?"

Luna sighed and pointed. "On a stone, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, on a stone, dear Minion, dear Minion, a stone."

Celestia trotted over. "The stone is too dry, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, the stone is too dry, dear Nightmare, too dry."

"Well wet it, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, well wet it, dear Minion, dear Minion, wet it."

Celestia nodded eagerly. "With what shall I wet it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? With what shall I wet it, dear Nightmare, with what?"

"With water, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, with water, dear Minion, dear Minion, water."

Celestia looked around. "In what shall I fetch it, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare? In what shall I fetch it, dear Nightmare, in what?"

Luna rolled her eyes and bowed her head. "In a bucket, dear Minion, dear Minion, dear Minion, in a bucket, dear Minion, dear Minion, a bucket."

Celestia galloped over and threw herself on the ground, grabbing Luna's foreleg ankles as she sobbed, "There's a hole in my bucket, dear Nightmare, dear Nightmare, there's a hole in my bucket, dear Nightmare, a hole."

Nightmare began wailing in despair right alongside her minion.
------------------------------

"Where is my tribute?" Nightmare Moon called. The kids dutifully set all the candy they'd collected for her at the altar.

"YAHHHHH!" ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!

Luna sighed. "Somepony lasso those two," Luna said.

Most of the parents giggled at the utterly forlorn 'Nightmare Moon'. The kids laughed at the antics.

"You have all been excellent minions!" she told them, "Return to your homes and your native forms. Maybe we'll catch the ponies next year."

A few of the kids cheered. Some scampered up to hug Luna and Celestia. Applejack and Pinkie Pie arrived. Cadence was cocooned in ropes. So was Rainbow, but she had an apple stuck in her mouth.

"I almost had her!" Cadence complained.

Applejack facehoofed.

"I think we'd better go let Twilight in on the whole joke," Luna said, "I think she's had a few too many shocks for the day."

"Agreed," Celestia said, then looked at the pile of candy, "Are you going to eat all of that."

Luna pounced on it. "MINE!"

Celestia stood up straight. "Remember, the Elements are my friends and associates."

Luna frowned and tossed over a jawbreaker.

"That is acceptable," Celestia said and popped it in her mouth. "Alfrahg, wesheesug."

Luna nodded and headed with Celestia to the library. Then dashed back to collect her candy.

Cadence stuck out her tongue at Rainbow, and wriggled her hooftips loose and tippy-hoofed after the other two.

Rainbow looked around, tried to spit the apple out to call for he - to let ponies know she was there. She heard a twig snap. She looked around the darkness desperately, then began to inchworm her way back to town. She slowed as she tired. The loud, sniffing sound got her back up to speed again.

Applejack grinned to Pinkie Pie. "Best Nightmare Night ever," Applejack said. They touched hooves and snapped another twig to speed up their inchworm.