I Am Not Spartacus - Nightmare Night (Part 1)
by Dan's Comments
Based in the 'Your Human and You' universe by MadMaxtheBlack
This story is NOT canon with Your Human and You
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

I'm lying atop the Great White, amid the flailing legs, as she lays supine, her wings outstretched. A little like a clown fish amidst an overexcited anemone. Tickling her to near-exhaustion is part of the plan. To say she's feeling frisky after the entire day with all the servants' children is an understatement. It almost brings truth to the horrid jokes about 'Molestia' that I've heard about her 'real' relationship with Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer, Hootie, Cloud Screamer, Maria-Ann Smith, Sun Twirler, Blow Fish, and a host of other special students she's had over the millennium Luna was gone. Even a few about what Princesses did in the night. I do wonder if Elite Badge will ever look at carrots the same way after Gravel, Luna's guard captain, heard that particular speculation.

Since we arrived in her room, she's restrained herself enough to let me take the initiative, and to please her as much as she wants to be pleased. Her only complaint is the standard one about reciprocity. But if I shoot that ends the evening, and she's got more pent up energy than I've ever seen. After the shocks of the last few days, she deserves a nice, long night. And I intend to give her one. It doesn't hurt that the guards are completely freaking out about it again. If Little Blue is going to spread rumors, I might as well add to the pretense.

"No more, no more, no more," she pleads, then remembers, "Thank you, that's enough for Celly!" She's too tired to even use her mane and tail to fend me off, and after slicing me up, she's reluctant to as well.

I quit tickling, and slide off her before she can focus enough to hug me. She can't even lift her head to track me, so she rolls her head to one side to catch a glimpse. She lies there, breathing heavily, her legs hanging slightly limp in the air. Then her tail confirms where I am. While I can't please her the way a stallion can, I can help her get her rocks off. And nearly exhausting her was part of the plan. Since the last time I did this, she nearly broke my arm.

"Percy is that safe?" she asks as I slip my hand and wrist inside her. Her head rolls back and she lets out a guttural noise that nearly has the guards run me through. Fortunately, its Gray Mane and Brownie, and those two have seen a thing or two between me and Celestia. They still nearly hit the roof. I do wonder what the rumor mill will say.

She lays her head down and lets out a whinny, which shocks the two guards more than her 'chestburster' noise. My arm is trapped. As tired as she is, her muscles still have plenty of strength. I can still move my fingers, so I do. Getting her legs to start jerking in an upside down and stilted version of 'the excited pony dance'.

When she relaxes a bit, I pull my arm nearly out, and wriggle it back in. Again the nearly agonized groan, which shows she's enjoying it. I manage a few in and outs before she whinnies and my arm is trapped again. Then I press in. The fleshy wall that stopped me before seems more flexible, and I can worm my fingers, then my wrist through it. The noises she's making now are between a whinny and a mad giggle as I run my fingers over the inside.

"Percy duck!" she shouts with alarm, and I do as her leg jerks.

It would have missed, but if it had connected, I'd be a stain on the wall. Rather than give her a grateful look, I give her my most malevolent grin. She gasps. My fingers were at about 10 o'clock when the opposite leg kicked. I probe at two o'clock, and her other leg jerks.

"No, no, no, no," she stammers and looks at me with pleading eyes.

Sorry. You need this, and I'm going to give it to you. I don't care if it spoils you for stallions for the next ten thousand years. I rub both the ten and two o'clock spots with my outstretched fingers. The Great White's back legs kick almost randomly in response. She clamps down on my arm almost to the point of pain, but my fingers keep rubbing, stroking, pressing, and the occasional soft scrape with my fingernail.

The Great White sounds like she's trying to whinny and scream like a horse, while being strangled. Her legs keep going, she clamps down occasionally, and her tail wraps around me tightly. Not a strangle but a full body hug. She never raises her head as she twitches and sounds, and I continue until the kicks become feeble.

"Thank you, that's enough for Celly!" she whispers, and I slip my arm out once she relaxes enough for me to do so. I step around her as she rolls to her side. I lay down on her barrel and let her mane and wing gather me in close. She looks relaxed, but exhausted, and I'm rather tired myself.

She kisses me on the lips, slow and soft, and grins weakly. "A little nap, and maybe some snacks before we go again," she tells me, "And I don't mind if you fall asleep after, I'll probably joint you."

I nod and settle in against her. She's soon asleep and I follow after.
------------------------------

"If I'd known you were interested, I'd've filled them when I changed," I hear, and a chuckle.

It's one of those completely off the wall statements that demands consciousness to analyze and assess.

I wake and discover the Great White is in her human form, I'm lying on her chest, suckling one of her breasts and my hand is playing with the nipple of the other. She seems to think it's adorable.

I start to reach down between her legs with my free hand. That's when she picks me up and sets me back down on my back.

"Enough of that," she says, a bit irritated, "I'm ready, even unconscious you managed that. I wanted you awake so I could thank you, but do you know what it's like having an orgasm for an alarm clock? I scared Philomena, and the guards."

I should be frightened, I have never seen her this angry, and she's that angry with me. But she's sitting on my thighs, both hands and her 'Everfree Forest' lavishing very pleasant attention on one part she'd be crushing with her fist if she really were that angry.

"You make me seem ungrateful," she adds as her soft hands stroke up and down, and her hair tickles and brushes rather than crushes and twists. Her mane and tail are also touching, tickling, or attempting to, my arms, my chest, and my legs and feet. So the glower is all for show, or real irritation that I act as source and never let her 'play' back.

The reason for the glower becomes apparent as she slips back and bends low.

No, no, no, no! I want to scream as her soft lips and muscular tongue began doing things even her hands couldn't perform. I know I should just blow, and teach her a lesson, but it's a cruel thing to do.

Mercifully, she stops, or changes her attention to massaging my balls, trying to quell the raging inferno, or at least drop it back below the pain threshold. But then she puts it in her mouth again and the battle begins anew. Just when I can't stand it, she stops and begins to quiet the conflagration. I have no idea what her game is, and game it is.

This time she straddles my hips and lowers herself slowly onto me. She isn't even all the way down when I blow.

She's smirking as I swear I'm pouring all my life and energy through that one hole, it's still wonderful. "Now you know how I keep feeling. Knowing you felt like this, and your partner was utterly satiated, leaves me frustrated," she lectured, then she carefully leaned down while her mane raised me up, "Sometimes the fun is seeing the other person happy."

Like Christmas, the kids want to know what they got, the adults want to see the recipient happy, I think, and she smiles as she sees the recognition on my face.

"I think you've been punished enough, go to sleep," she tells me.

I manage a slight nod before unconsciousness claims me.
------------------------------

The Great White flutters, literally flutters among the dresses and gowns drawn or made in miniature arranged in the 'Sun Room' really a rarely used sitting room. It's barely big enough for me, the Great White and her anxiety. The two guards are trying to disappear into the stone work. As the first Nightmare Night she's officially going to attend, she has received all kinds of offers and free samples.

"But they're all wrong," she says. "And I want to go with Lulu. But everypony expects me to be here."

She looks at me, then the whisper galleries. A moment later, I'm an alicorn.

"I think they not understand. You not 'pretty princess', you slave of Nightmare. And Nightmare, not right in head," I tell her. "And to be in two places at once." I hand her the diagram, I really have to learn to draw.

"Oh," she says as she looks, "This is, this is perfect." She looks at me. "How are you going to arrange this?"

"There are ways, and they set stage for making outfit believable," I tell her, "Maybe I make your costume."

She practically has a light bulb appear over her head. "No, but that is it. And it's perfect."

I've never seen a 'god' receive a religious revelation. It's a scary thing to witness.
------------------------------

Little Blue and Pink are out shopping, with me being the pack mule and, the only one of them who really got a good look at Nightmare. Pink was looking after Armor and Little Blue never really saw her. We've visited several joke shops and a costumer for the teeth and 'armor'. Little Blue isn't sure about the popularity of the costume.

"So how did she look, what was her expression?" Little Blue asks.

I'm a bad boy, because I show one of those 'ethereal O' faces, with my tongue extended a bit. It earns me a double wing whap, but entirely worth it.

"Before you started servicing her," Pink insists, then glances over at the severely blushing Little Blue, "Oh don't be worried that I'm the only one who hasn't 'sampled'. He's been teaching me and Armor some fascinating things." The Alicorn of Love giggles, while the Alicorn of Night blushes right on through purple and indigo and settles on red.

"Oh dear," Pinks says, her hoof covering her mouth, "Have I said something to make you angry?"

While Pink 'cutes', and Little Blue is off to find her wits, I move off to check on a few things Pink is going to need for her costume, and do a little surreptitious shopping for the Great White. Spotting Fancy Pants, also in the costume shop, and alone, I approach. He spots me and smiles. I'd earlier drawn a 'thank you note' for him, I present it with a bit of ceremony. The diagram, I won't ennoble my scribble to call it a drawing, shows Celestia surrounded by little ponies, and a big heart over her. Off to the side, a human figure hugs a monocled unicorn.

He smiles at the rather crude drawing, but accepts it as 'the widow's mite' that it is. He also notes my posture, glances about for a moment, then gestures me forward. I give him a hug and he hugs me back. After a moment we break off.

So there are a few decent ponies in sunny Canterlot. I shudder suddenly, and he shies back. "I apologize for the fright, my little pony," I whisper.

"Your Highness?" he asks and glances around to make certain no one is watching.

"I want to thank you for your gift, it was most refreshing. I think Percy had a present he made for you as well," I say and start checking through the pouch I'm carrying.

"He already gave it to me your Highness. Although I must admit with chagrin that it took his vituperation to inform us of what should have been obvious to anypony with a heart."

"You are not the only ones who did not see," I tell him, "But you are among the few who when they learned, acted, and for that you have my gratitude."

"Ready and eager to serve," he said and caught himself before he bowed, "Pardon the les majesty, Majesty, but . . . how may I be of service?" He put a hoof to his chin. "And if I may be so bold, is he all right?"

"He thinks it's better than, uh, cuddling," I say.

Fancy Pants raises an eyebrow. I raise an eyebrow in the most imperious way. He smiles, content that the human is not being hurt 'carrying' the personage of her Highness.

"Luna will be attending the celebration in Ponyville, with Princess Cadence," I tell him.

That raises an eyebrow, especially the familiar form with the Diarch, and the formal with the lesser princess, but it is how the Great White speaks in private.

"And her Highness will be in Canterlot," Fancy Pants says, putting it together before I have to lay it out, "Officially. Dressed as?"

"Yes, the rumors that I'm going to Ponyville, totally untrue. However," I say and hand over the catalog and brochures with the pages folded and marked, "Since my dear sister has spies everywhere."

He surveys the items, and nearly laughs, a choked, strangled sound. "Delivered to Percy I take it?"

"Yes," I tell him.

He nods. "I shall be as discreet as always. Thank you."

"Thank you," I reply, then shudder again, then I get a big shit-eating grin on my face.

He draws back as I master my expression. "Oh dear, you do enjoy it don't you?" Fancy Pants comments as he nods.

I stare then begin searching through my pouch.

Fancy Pants lays a fore hoof on my arm. "I have them lad, I have them."

I stare at him, then he shows me one of the brochures. I nod and put a finger to my lips to indicate silence.

"I won't say anything if you don't," he assures me.

I nod and wander back to the two, stopping at one stand on the way.

"Where did you wander off to?" Pink asks.

I show her the snaggly teeth appliance I'd picked out.

Pink giggles. "I guarantee, no on will be able to even think about Nightmare Moon without giggling."

Little Blue paws the rug. "One can only hope."

"Oh, you included," Pink assures her.

I give her a hug, so does Pink.
------------------------------

"You need to relax," Armor says as we walk along. The moon is up, and the Night Court is off tonight, the three alicorns, Armor, and I are walking along the night time streets of Canterlot outside the palace proper. Armor leads as he's the only one who knows where we are going. The Great White is in disguise, derby, moustache and boots. She isn't fooling me, and I wonder how the heck is she fooling anyone else.

Once a pony sidled out of an alley, then they got a good look at all the smiling ponies and the grinning human, turned around and ran, straight to a patrol. I don't know what he confessed to, but the sergeant commanding the patrol was impressed. All of us had a little laugh about that.

"I heard Shining Armor use the word 'relax'! The world must be coming to an end!" the Great White says, and all of us chuckle at his expression.

"I am doing this in the service of the Crowns," he says. Even the Mighty Poof can't sound that pompous.

" 'Scratchers'?" Pink asks as we approach, "Isn't that the military tavern?"

Something about the place seems vaguely familiar, I can't get the image of owls with pink eyes out of my head.

"It is a hangout for guards off-duty. The food is okay, it's the ambiance that's the thing. I think the Princesses will like it. I know Percy will, although he may be taking notes half the night."

Now he has the curiosity of the entire group inflamed. I thought the Great White knew everything.

All three alicorns stare at him as we enter. I note the sign near the hostess station, 'Open Mic. Night/Talent Show.' It's all I can do not to grin. Armor catches me looking at the sign and raises an eyebrow.

Okay, you're a lot more than a pretty face, and I'll play along.

We get seated in a booth near enough to easily see the stage. There's a human up there juggling three balls. Polite applause greets his actions. While the others are looking over the menu, I nudge Little Blue and whisper in her ear, although it looks like I'm doing something else. "Why don't you go up there, and read some of your poetry?"

She looks at me in panic. "They're not ready."

"This is a tavern, nobody will care," I whisper in her ear. Her other ear flicks so quickly she may be semaphoring for assistance.

Pink obviously read my expression. "Yes," Pink says, and nearly shoves the Lunar Diarch out of the booth, "Go have fun."

Little Blue desperately looks to the Great White, but she's nose first into the menu. Little Blue gives me the most soft, pleading eyes she can. I give her a taste of my own 'puppy dog eyes' at about 1/100th power, and she realizes her best trick is useless.

I nearly have to drag her to and up on the stage. The crowd is a lot of off-duty guards, some with their families, some still in uniform and a few are not happy with my apparent manhandling of the princess. Once I stop moving after getting her turned, Little Blue is frozen, staring at the crowd.

This is too good an opportunity. I carefully lay my hand between her ears, tickling her just enough that they flick every so often.

"Hello everyone. This is Princess Luna, and I am Percy."

Pink and Armor nearly have to tackle the Great White to keep her from screaming.

"Wave to the crowd your Highness, wave, wave." I wave. My expression is my typically expressionless one.

"Are we going to dance? Dance, dance?" I ask and do a little soft shoe.

There's a few chuckles from the crowd as they 'get' the act. I stop and stare at the paralyzed princess. "If you think I'm going to do the whole act by myself you're out of your little pony mind."

The first of the troopers start laughing. The 'joke' soon spreads. Little Blue is in no condition to contradict anything, and the few hecklers are staring to see if her horn glows or her mouth moves. All they'll see is an occasional ear flick.

"Now I know what you're all thinking, I've thought it myself. Ponies can't talk," I tell them. More laughter. "My doctor has repeatedly assured me it's just my imagination. And she's the chief of the psychiatric department of Canterlot General. So, I'm going to . . . " I glance around and my shoulders slump, again my expression remains my standard deadpan. "Okay, you've got me. Her Highness' stage fright is too much for her, so, I'll be doing my own act. Isn't it always the way? I do all the work. She gets all the credit."

The Great White is horrified, Pink and most of the crowd are just killing themselves laughing.

"Since there are a lot of guards here tonight, a couple of poems. For anyone who says poetry is for wimps and weaklings." A complaint that has made Little Blue a trifle self-conscious about her writing poetry. I start my dramatic reading, with one hand firmly on Little Blue's head.

"I went into a public-'ouse to get a pint o' beer,
The publican 'e up an' sez, "We serve no guardsmares here."
The colts be'ind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:

O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, go away";

But it's "Thank you, Trooper Atkins", when the band begins to play,

The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,

O it's "Thank you, Trooper Atkins", when the band begins to play."

"I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but 'adn't none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-'alls,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! they'll shove me in the stalls!

For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, wait outside";

But it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide,

The troopship's on the tide, my boys, the troopship's on the tide,

O it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide."

"Yes, makin' mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an' they're starvation cheap;
An' hustlin' drunken soldiers when they're goin' large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin' in full kit.

Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, 'ow's yer soul?"

But it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll,

The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,

O it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll."

"We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single ones in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints,
Why, single ones in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;

While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind",

But it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind,

There's trouble in the wind, my child, there's trouble in the wind,

O it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind."

"You talk o' better food for us, an' schools, an' fires, an' all:
We'll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow's Uniform is not the guardpony's disgrace.

For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"

But it's "Saviour of 'is country" when the bows begin to shoot;

An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;

An' Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool -- you bet that Tommy sees!"

There is dead silence. Some of the guards have tears running down their cheeks. All the waiters are staring. It's good to play a part, to mold an alien audience with just a few gestures and the power of my voice.

Then the place erupts in stomping applause so loud I worry they'll bring the building down around our ears. Little Blue actually manages to smile, but is otherwise lockjawed.

Our table has that same reaction. Pink, the Great White, even Armor have tears on their cheeks and are stomp-applauding to beat the band.

I wave for silence, and the entire room goes quiet. "Something for the humans of the guard as well."

"Smokin' my pipe on the mountings, sniffin' the mornin' cool,
I walks in my old brown gaiters along o' my old brown mule,
With seventy darlings be'ind me, an' never a beggar forgets
It's only the pick of the Army that handles their dear little pets -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns -- the hu-muns they all love you!

So when we call round with a few 'uns, o' course you will know what to do -- hoo! hoo!

Jest send in your Chief an' surrender -- it's worse if you fights or you runs:

You can go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don't get away from the 'uns!"
"They sends us along where the roads are, but mostly we goes where they ain't:
We'd climb up the side of a sign-board an' trust to the stick o' the paint:
We've chivied the 'taurs an' the griffons, we've give the diamond dog fits,
For we fancies ourselves at two thousand, we 'uns that march with two bits -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns . . ."
"If a man doesn't work, why, we drills 'im an' teaches 'im 'ow to behave;
If a beggar can't march, why, we kills 'im an' rattles 'im into 'is grave.
You've got to stand up to our business an' spring without snatchin' or fuss.
D'you say that you sweat on the field runs? Then lass, you must lather with us -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns . . . "
"The eagles is screamin' around us, the river's a-moanin' below,
We're clear o' the pine an' the oak-scrub, we're out on the rocks an' the snow,
An' the wind is as thin as a whip-lash what carries away to the plains
The rattle an' stamp o' the lead-mules -- the jinglety-jink o' our chains -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns . . . "
"I've a foot on the Horns o' the Mornin', an' a foot on the edge o' the Pit,
An' a drop into nothin' between them as straight as a beggar can spit:
With the sweat runnin' out o' your shirt-sleeves, an' the sun off the snow in your face,
An' 'arf o' the ponies on drag-ropes to hold the old 'un in their place -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns . . . "
"Smokin' my pipe on the mountings, sniffin' the mornin' cool,
I climbs in my old brown gaiters along o' my old brown mule.
The monkey can say what our road was -- the wild-goat 'e knows where we passed.
Stand easy, you long-eared old darlin's! Out drag-ropes! With shrapnel! Hold fast -- 'Tss! 'Tss!

For you all love the hu-muns -- the hu-muns they all love you!

So when we take tea with a few 'uns, o' course you will know what to do -- hoo! hoo!

Jest send in your Chief an' surrender -- it's worse if you fights or you runs:

You may hide in the caves, they'll be only your graves, but you can't get away from the 'uns!"

"Damn straight!"

"You tell'em your Highness!" The human handlers call and some hug the human guards and are eagerly hugged back. The applause is easily as thunderous as the first.

I bow and lead Little Blue back to the table. She doesn't need me dragging, she walks on her own. She has a little, confused smile on her face as we walk through the cheering throng.

As we slide into the booth, the Great White glares. "That was supposed to be relaxing?" the Great White accuses Armor and me, "You nearly gave me a heart attack. Luna's so relaxed, you could use her as a sledge hammer."

Armor adopts a stoic expression, nearly as stoic as mine. The Great White growls and settles in. Little Blue takes her seat and keeps the shy, little smile.

The rest of the evening has guards, spouses and older children of guards approach the table and thank Little Blue, for saying what she did. She shyly thanks them for their service and sacrifice, and for appreciating her poems. I get a few hugs from kids too young to understand the ventriloquist bit, and thought I'd said the nice things about their daddy, mommy, or older sibling. I hug them back, and return them to their stunned relatives.

Between the fulsome praise by the people, I do note the attention some of the humans lavish on the ponies. A gentle scratching of the ears or the neck. It's nothing I haven't done with the Great White, but it is interesting to see the differing techniques.

Leaving has all of us a little weary. The Great White keeps staring at Armor and me, shaking her head and snorting. Little Blue walks with one shoulder brushing my hip. She's quiet, thoughtful and I leave her to her thoughts.

We return to the palace in silence. Until we reach the first guards. "Thank you Highness," the guard at the main gate who checks us in says.

Little Blue nods and smiles. The quiet 'thank you's continue all the way to the apartment.

Little Blue and the Great White take their leave, and the rest of us enter Pink's apartment. She immediately throws a couple of pillows at us. "You could have warned me!" she tells us.

Armor and I look at each other and direct our utterly innocent look at Pink.

She bops us with pillows again. "Why do I put up with you two?"

Armor and I look at each other and raise an eyebrow.

"No, no, no!" she calls as a storm of pillows attempts to fend off the tickling fingers and hooves. "No!" she shouts.
------------------------------

The air carriage sitting in the old garage looks like a gothic or heavy metal hearse. Pink looks at it with despair, Little Blue seems very pleased.

"We could polish it, get all the tarnish off the silver," Pink offers.

"It is perfect as it stands. I frankly never liked the silver," Little Blue says admiringly, then clears away a few more spider webs from the nooks and crannies of the carriage. This thing has been here a long time. The tack for several of her thestral guards is being worked over by them. Mostly they're replacing it with new of the same appearance. They keep staring at me, as if they know, or know something I don't.

"So how is your costume?" Little Blue asks Pink. Little Blue's 'Nightmare Moon' costume is so over the top it's ridiculous. The sweeping-upraised collar, the cloak of bats. The shoes are a who's-who of obscure polearm heads. And YE OLDE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE OF BROKEN EQUESTRIAN makes her especially ludicrous. She isn't wearing it, not around all the spider webs in this place, but it's in the next room to be fitted.

Pink puts in the snaggly teeth, the eyepatch and the sign around her neck that reads 'Numba Too Mignon'.

"Who is my number one minion?" Little Blue asks.

I sometimes wonder if the Great White waits outside of doors for her entry cues.

"Is Mistress ready to spread darkness and evil over all the little ponies?" the Great White says, and manages to shave off at least 75 IQ points from any estimate you make. She bounces up and down happily. Then she sits on her butt and scratches behind her ear with a hind hoof.

Pink and Little Blue stare aghast at her 'costume'. Specifically, she's dressed as Celestia, if a drunken earth pony took eight minutes to throw a Celestia costume together out of whatever was laying around. Her horn is covered by a tacky, paper-mache thing with bits of colored crepe-paper in it to make it look like someone tried to make it look like a rainbow with fluttery streamers, and utterly failed. The gray chin strap 'holding it on', manages to clash with Celestia's natural colors. Her wings are covered with cardboard covers, which are clearly on backwards, the trailing edge feathers are drawn on the leading edge of the covers. The covers are whitewashed, not painted, and the feather pattern drawn on with crayons, while the white wash was still wet. Her mane is practically a buzzcut, and her tail looks like a bottle brush. Most native humans could do a better Celestia costume with what they had in a dresser, on a three-day bender, basing it on a description written in a language they couldn't read.

I cannot think of the effort necessary to intentionally make her look so awful. No cosplayer in the world would be caught dead in such a dreadfully bad Celestia costume. The 'No. 1 Minion' badge makes Pink's look like it belongs in the Louvre to be worshiped in comparison. It looks like someone tried to cut an ellipse out of cardboard with a meat cleaver, while they weren't looking. The letters are not properly filled in, and the markers used often drew outside the lines of the letters. Crumpled tinfoil edges the whole atrocity and the tinfoil has been both antiqued and sprinkled with at least four different colors of glitter. She's wearing one leg warmer, right front, and one lace-up leather boot, right-rear, and her other hooves are bare.

"You're going to Ponyville looking like that?" Pink asks, then she reaches over and shuts Little Blue's mouth.

"Oh course?" Bizzaro-Celestia says, "Am I a pretty princess?" She turns around to show off the costume from all angles. Then bends her head down to try to scratch again, her leg comes up short.

"Other than the fact poor Twilight will die of heart failure," Pink says, "Nothing I can't think of."

"Good, I must away to the minion-mobile!" Bizzaro-Celestia shouts as she spins around, 540 degrees, and staggers off.

"I think she's going to enjoy this more than you are," Pink tells Little Blue. Who stares in stunned amazement at her sister.
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'Nightmare Moon's' air-chariot, a half-dozen outriding pegasus and thestrals, Cadence's chariot and the 'minion-mobile' are on their way to Ponyville. God have mercy on their sanity. Everypony in that town is going to go crazy. The minion-mobile, I have been assured, will cause Shining Armor and I a great deal of serious pain, for the short time Little Blue allows our lives to continue. I am frankly very proud of the job Philomena and I did with the parts Armor brought us. The thing is the tackiest piece of egesta to ever soil the night. The multicolored 'Christmas' lights and multicolored glitter are one thing, the tack that allowed Celestia herself to haul it through the air is another. And the thirty guards that Armor rounded up to actually ride in the thing is the crowning achievement. I'm not sure if these troops are being rewarded or punished, but they were none too happy to discover how many of them were going to be on the air chariot, and even less so who was going to pull it. Considering the arrogant, self-important so-and-so who is nominally in command of the detachment, I think punishment is the correct answer. Once they arrive, Luna's thestrals will take over, so maybe for some it's a reward and others are being punished.

Pink's the one I worry about. I have a feeling that the Great White is going to go all out playing the incompetent, if not brain-damaged, minion. I think Pink's going to hurt herself laughing. Letting Little Blue play the straight mare will also help. She'll get to be the reasonable authority figure, even when playing an over the top villain.

The Great White was absolutely delighted with our efforts on her carriage, and the guards selected, and gave the three of us a knighthood on the spot. Little Blue suggested it be posthumous. Pink looked like she would be joining us, if her laughter or Little Blue's reaction to her laughter was any indication. If there is any chance of Nightmare Moon returning, she'll show her face once, and it won't be ice that kills everypony, it'll be the hilarity.

I return to find Fancy Pant and his companion, Fleur de Lis waiting outside Pink's apartment with the costume. Fancy Pants wears a wizard's hat over his horn, and a cape of various symbols. Fleur has a big wheel strapped to each ankle. I think she's 'dressed' as a roller skate. I never really understood what Fleur does, although I suspect she lives a life Celestia only wishes she could. She has the same slightly impish sense of humor, but none of the crushing responsibilities of Her Highness. To see her there with an alterations kit is a bit of a shock. I let them into the apartment and Fancy Pants unpacks the costume. The way the pair are grinning, they too are enjoying the prank we're playing on the crustiest of the upper crust of Canterlot. Neither in Ponyville, nor in Canterlot, will anyone ever forget this Nightmare Night.

The pair carefully fit the costume. I move as directed. The costume is a very tall, very thin top hat, an opera cape draped over the shoulders and down the back to the waist, and a short sleeved shirt with Celestia's cutie mark on it. My kilt and sandals are my daily wear. Fancy Pant's adds a touch of his own, a name tag reading 'Percy' and in smaller letters, 'Nope, not Celestia'. That almost gets me laughing, especially the serious mien as he affixes it to the costume. Somepony else is having fun. I'm tempted to check the back of the opera cape for a 'kick me' sign, but that's not his style. Once it's fitted, I shudder and then look at it more intently. Nope, no kick me sign.

"I thank you my little ponies, I appreciate this more than you could know," I tell them. I play with the name tag a bit and grin.

Both bow. "Of course, I do say, it will make this a memorable Nightmare Night," Fancy Pants says, "But you've always stayed away."

"Percy reminded me that I stayed away, because it was an insult to my sister's memory. Now that she can join me in the mockery of what took her from me, it is appropriate to celebrate."

"He speaks with you?" Fleur asks as she stares at me, a lot closer than she'd gotten when I was 'Percy'.

"There are spells that allow me to change him into an alicorn. His statement was more simplistic, but I better captured the intent. And there is a certain transfer that occurs when I borrow him like this. The imp likes taking advantage to make the most scurrilous comments at various times."

Fleur grins. "Like what?"

"Suggestions about Prince Blueblood's mother, power tools and a paying audience."

The two laugh. Few if any would fault Blueblood for arranging an 'accident' for the most horrible harridan in Canterlot. There is even speculation they've worked and she's actually some form of regenerating undead.

The knock at the door surprises all of us.

Fleur opens it. For an instant I'm shocked, and even my two guests are surprised. The figure looks like Nightmare Moon, if you threw her through a cartoon wood chipper. Her horn is sheered off almost at the skull, one wing is a little stub, the other is devoid of feathers. Her mane and tail are similarly, patchily denuded. Her jet black coloring, and green eyes tell me who this really is as she theatrically limps in.

"Good Nightmare Night," the Lady of the Lake says, "I beg your pardon, but I'm here to pick up my date."

I give a slight bow. "Milady, I'm glad you could attend."

"Your missive did say 'When the barrier between worlds grows thin and unnatural things slip across. Dress up in scary costumes to frighten them back over the line until All-Hallows Day restores the boundaries for another year'. I decided this was appropriate," she says.

"Fancy Pants, your Ladyship," Fancy Pants says and bows, "Beg pardon, but I didn't catch your name."

"I am the Lady of the Lake, a very old acquaintance of Princess Luna," she says 'very old' with a bit of mirth. "It is our custom to keep our identities hidden, until the unmasking at dawn. When we cease to be the fear makers and return to our normal lives."

"Of course," Fancy Pants says, "I've never heard of that custom." The four of us head out to the party as a group.

"It predates the arrival of ponies in this land. It was originally a human custom," the Lady says.

"They had, such festivals?" Fancy Pants asks. Fleur cowers against him.

"And cities and towns and weapons of vast power, all buried awaiting the day," she says. Then laughs. "You should see yourselves."

They both laugh. "Nightmare Night is for safe scares," Fancy Pants admits, "And you have done expertly."

"I think you'll be even more impressed by the unmasking," I tell them, and enjoy the laughter.

The next few hours are spent mingling. Of course everyone guesses I'm Celestia wearing a Percy disguise. Which was the entire idea. I just hope that the Great White, Little Blue and Pink are having as much fun as I am.

The Lady of the Lake is also enjoying herself, giving little scares to the ponies about 'ancient terrors' and monsters of the uttermost north.

"So who is this Sombra really?" I ask her when we get a few moments alone.

"A great alicorn sorcerer from the north. He was an earth pony who somehow mastered alicorn magic and failed his 'ascension' to full alicorn. I suspect that the sisters were none too happy about that. One day, he and his armies simply went away, and I never heard tell of them again."

"Considering the Crystal Empire is supposed to be Pink's fiefdom, I think I should start reading up on that, incase it and Sombra's kingdom are one and the same."

"Your friend will never stand against him, not with all he stole," she tells me, "The humans weren't as helpless as you might think. They had weapons, real ones, they just never used them on the ponies, until it was too late."

The party washes over us, so the discussion will be put on hold. But it has planted a few seeds in my mind. About the magic the humans once had, alicorn magic, and of course Sombra. I wonder how an earth pony mastered the magic the two alicorn sisters used, and more importantly, could I learn it?

The conversations are inane, the food is pony-bland, the music is the chamber ensemble playing a few pieces. I would kill to slip Octavia something like Mussorsky's Night on Bald Mountain, or John William's Theme from Jaws, or something else with a little spine-chilling power. This all reads as a costume festival more like Carnival or Matri-Gras than Halloween. It's still kind of fun playing 'myself' among the ponies.

Be careful what you wish for, I remind myself as Armor and Muttonchops are discarding their costumes and charging off somewhere. I catch the lady's eye and indicate I'm going to follow them. Armor is Captain of the Royal Guard. Captains don't run on official business if they can help it. They have staff to carry their authority. If they are running, the situation requires their eyes, or their sword.

"Where are we heading?" the lady asks as she catches up, four legs makes her a better sprinter.

"There," I say, "Duck."

Armor passes over us and slams into the opposite wall. I note he is missing his cutie-mark. "I don't think that's what's meant by 'Shining Armor's piercing ring.'" I charge up the stair, passing a number of guards, all unicorns and all 'blank-flanks'.

"Hold," the Lady says and blocks my path with her tattered wing. "I didn't come in unprepared." She exudes a sword, a long heavy, white crystal with a bronze hilt, and from the wing a shield, a roman-style scutum faced with white crystal, note not crystals, one single crystal.

"My daughter would object if I lost you, she has plans," the lady tells me, then hoists me onto her back to charge up the stairs against whatever we're facing.

Fallen guards are scattered around, in the center is a centaur, or a minotaur/centaur creature. "So, Celestia and Luna," he tells us, "I had hoped to meet you later, but I shall take your magic now."

I slip off the Lady's back and we exchange a glance 'is he kidding?' Then we take a green-orange bolt of 'fire' playing over us. I raise the shield to protect us from the direct effect.

Too late I realize what Discord left in me wasn't a timebomb, it was a lockout. He'd changed me, and then set something to temporarily reverse the change. Absorbing the 'cap' Discord had placed in me nauseates the centaur, letting the change near completion before the centaur recovers.

As I recover from the change, I note that the Lady has decided to take on something more familiar, something with more eyes and limbs. The centaur looks at the huge, black spider, and the large, white dragon, neither of whom have a problem not having magic. 'And he was sore afraid'.

We two leap as one, I close my jaws on the out-thrust arm, and sheer through it. Unfortunately, my teeth are so cold I burn the stump so he doesn't bleed out. The lady is far more evil than I, she dove low towards his hindquarters.

The high-pitched, scream of utter agony it makes would evoke pity, if it hadn't threatened two people I care for.

It leaps through a window and it has two pursuers, the ponies take one look at the trio, and decide to run away, only a few of them waste breath screaming.

In the courtyard it landed it, it turns at bay. "You dare?" the monster thunders as its arm, and presumably other parts return.

The web enmeshes him and tangles him with fences and shrubs.

Something else Discord left demands to come out, so I let it. "Tirek, Discord sends regards." What was the line from Calvin and Hobbs? 'It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.'
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Poems altered from:
Rudyard Kipling's
Tommy
Screw-Guns