"That's...that's a town...unfit for life my ass!" I continued my scanning. Who ever marked this planet as unfit was either an idiot or, more likely, an outright liar.

My scan found several towns clustered together. I figured I'd land close and try to make contact. My hand shot to my gun at the thought of being the first human contact. We've had mixed results in the past but I always wanted to be known for discovering a new race.

My devious grin quickly faded as I remembered my predicament. Getting caught with illegal weapons parts will tend to ruin any chance at fame, at least without the possibility of imprisonment. It felt weird seeing my name and face plastered all over wanted posters. I was just lucky my old captain generously donated a light frigate to my cause. It was amazing how easy it was to turn it from a war machine to a mobile home over the months.

I was brought out of my stupor by a loud whirl from my main console, "Oh shit!" I hadn't been paying attention and almost overshot my landing zone. After a bit of course correction I decided to land near a canyon, a ways away from any towns and a place that I could hide in.

After a bit of precarious maneuvering I managed to seat my ship at the mouth of the canyon. I quickly stood from my chair and started off to the airlock. I grabbed a mask and pulled it on, testing the seal with some smoke and purging it once it was sealed tight. The smell of sterilized air filled my nose as I started opened the airlock.

After a few seconds the ramp outside slammed open, "God damn it...I really gotta fix that." The ramp had been acting up since I stole this thing. I gave it a quick stomp before walking off and finding my way out of the canyon.

I started walking in the vague direction the town was in. Several loud rustled sounded next to me before petering out. Putting my paranoia aside, I hurried my pace and pushed through the light forest. Little by little thatch roofs started coming into view. I decided to observe first and climbed a tree.

Once at the top I finally got a good view. The town was full of bright colored horses. No riders, and it looks like they're talking, "Well...I suppose I've seen stranger things." I mused on my luck, at least without hands they probably don't have guns. That significantly reduces my chances of getting shot, stabbed, taken hostage, or otherwise injured...besides gravity...feels a bit heavier than normal, and I suppose there is always the chance I might accidentally shoot myself like a dumb ass.

I started to climb down when I felt my hood catch on a branch. "Stupid thing...why did I wear this...it's not even cold out!" I yanked my hood free and pulled it over my head. When I pulled my head up I was face to face with a pair of blue green eyes, staring me dead in the face. Normally I'd stay calm when meeting a new race...but I was also about ten meters in the air, "What the hay is a Songhai?"

My mind went blank as I remembered what I painted across the solid steel faceplate I was wearing. Sons of Songhai.

"You saw nothing." I mumbled as I climbed my way down, "Nothing." I added a novelty hiss to accentuate my point. The creature gave me an odd look before slowly backing away. I meanwhile Decided to hurry and simply let go of the tree. seven meters later I was off and running back to my ship. Perks of human eugenics: increased bone density, better physicality, and excellent hair.

I chuckled to myself as I rocketed past the trees. Using my momentum and pulling myself along by the trees. It reminded me of back home, you never really get the same freedom of movement on a ship.

I had gotten so wrapped up in getting faster and faster that I completely forgot where I had parked. I flew out of the trees and flew gut first into the side of the canyon. I quickly tumbled down and landed with a heavy thud. I just laid there in the dirt for a little while, contemplating my stupidity. Flying face first into a mountain at thirty KPH is bad enough, but doing it to myself was just shameful.

Eventually I stood up and dusted myself off. I looked up from where I had fallen. To think, two hundred years ago I would have broken both my legs from that. I felt a smirk grow on my face as I limped back to my ship. I hadn't broken anything but it still hurts to fall from high places.

I made it to the ramp again, but something was immediately wrong. The outside door was closed. I never close the outer door.

I quickly started the cycle and stepped into the airlock. Once the interior door popped open I started looking around my ship. Room by room I searched until I heard blaring music start up in my bedroom. I slowly made my way to it, drawing my gun and getting ready for the worst. I could almost hear the cheesy music from every horror movie I've ever seen as I stacked up on the door. I slowly pressed the button, the door flew up and out of the way just as I peeled inside and scanned the room.

Empty...nothing...something turned on my radio but that is it. "Hey human...what's up?"

I spazmed as the voice grew closer, "Bwah ah! Fuck!" I plastered my back against the hall wall and watched as a horse walked past me and into my room. "You scared the shit outta me damn it...wait...who the hell are you!?" I quickly followed her into my room.

The mint mare quickly jumped onto my bed and rolled onto her back, "Hands go here." She started poking her stomach with a hoof, "Chop chop human...been waiting a long time for this so get to work." She threw her head back and outstretched her limbs.

"What. The. Hell? How did you even get in here- wait...how did you- the ship...doors..." My head started throbbing from this mania, "What the hell is going on?"

The mare rolled onto her side and gave me an annoyed stare, "I knew humans were real...but I didn't think they'd be this dumb.... I'll say it slowly," She exposed her stomach again, "Hands, go, here." She poked her stomach again, "Been waiting for years and I'm not about to miss my chance at this."

I stood in the doorway, dumbfounded from her sheer audacity. "No...how about no, because no works for me."

"Too bad...also I'm moving in. I'll bring my stuff later but yeah...you're not getting rid of me." The mare quickly started rubbing her back across my sheets and throwing her head about my pillows, "Freaking told Bon Bon they'd come."

I blinked hard at this madness, "Get out...now." I leveled my gun with her gut, "Go on...get."

She just glared at me, "Do it...I dare you...do it."

I was caught off guard by her daring, "...Damn..." I holstered it, "Balls of tungsten...so who the hell are you?"

She smiled victoriously, "Lyra Heartstrings, Local anthropologist and xenological expert." Her eyes darted around a bit, "I also play the lyre...."

I furrowed my brow and walked into my room, "Anthropologist...you study humans?" I asked with a bit of a mocking laugh.

She grimaced, she quickly replaced it with a smirk as I felt something pull my leg out from under me. I slammed headfirst into the wall, "Yes...human sightings, trace evidence, radio signals, abduction encounters-"

"Bitch!" I yelled without any direction, "Ow...wait- ow- abductions? So...I'm not the first human on this planet?"

She laughed at my pain, continuing to smooze my bed, "Well...first I've ever actually seen. By the way do you really have two penises?"

I felt the muscles in my face droop, "No...we don't. Why in the love of god would we have two penises?!"

She rolled onto her side, facing me, "i don't know...it's what I heard."

"From who!?"

"From...somepony...don't worry about it." She spread her limbs again, "Seriously now...hands please." I left something drag my entire body over to the bed.

"Whoa what the shit!?" I looked around, a faint gold aura was surrounding me. A quick glance at the horse saw the same aura on her horn. Horn, something I should have noticed by now, "Okay...so...horn...horse...tree...man I'm damn confused."

"Well rub my damn belly and I'll explain things! Geez...you really are dumb."

"Oh I'm dumb!? Sorry if an alien coming into my ship, saying she's moving in, and- did you just ask me to rub your belly?" I returned to reality as my mind processed her absurd request, "Rub...belly...I- what the hell...seriously...what the flaming hell?"

"Are ya gonna do it?"

I could feel my blood pressure spike. "Ya know what...I don't even care...." I undid my boots and chucked them across the room. I quickly put my foot on her chest and pushed her over on my bed. With her clear I walked over to the foot of my bed and fell face first into the mattress. "Smells like body now...." I just buried my face in the pillow and laid there.

I quickly felt my left hand lift up and land on something warm. Deciding to give up I scratched at the hair covered surface, "There we go...a little more...oh~ lower." I didn't actually move. The mare dragged my hand to her gut and I just curled my fingers over and over again.

"I can honestly say I've been in bed with weirder things...is that sad?"

"Hmm? Oh...a little."

"Thanks..." I rolled my head to face her, "So you gonna tell me why the hell you think it's okay to stowaway?"

She seemed to be enjoying my hand rubbing her soft stomach, "Huh? Oh, because you're human."

I ran my tongue along the inside of my lips, "Because I'm human...and that seemed like a valid reason why?"

The mare pouted, "Because shut up. Anyways, did you bring me a present?"

"Did I bring you a present?"

"Yes...why do you keep repeating the question?"

I rolled my face back into the pillow, "No...I didn't. Was I supposed to bring a present for someone I had no idea existed?" I felt something perky on my fingertips and quickly yanked my hand back, "The fuck was that!?"

"Nothing...don't worry about it...." I stared her down, she gave a quick smile followed by a slightly embarrassed blush, "And you should...Hearth warming eve is soon!"

I rolled onto my back, "I don't even know what that is...."

She quickly grabbed my hand and brought it back to her chest, "If I'm right, humans have something similar. Chritmas or something right?"

I stared at the lights on the ceiling, "It's Christmas...and I'm Jewish."

"What's Jewish?"

I yelled some glottal groan. "Can you leave now? Seriously I'll even leave the planet if you want-"

"No!" She screamed, clutching my hand with her limbs, "No...I mean...you should hang out. Please?" She hung her head over mine, showing me her toothy grin.

Seeing an opportunity I posed the universal question, "What's in it for me?"

"What do you want? Cash? I got some bits back home. I'll be your friend...I'll-" She swung her tail across my leg, "I'll be your best friend...or more if you-"

"Oh my god...are you serious?" I groaned, "I mean honestly...you...god damn." I looked around my ship, "Is that why you asked about the penis thing!? What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"Hey it was a legitimate question...and I'm just throwing it out there..."

I grimaced and shook my head, "You can't just leave?"

I felt her wrap her hooves around my head and nuzzle my cheek. And uncomfortable scowl sitting heavy on my face, "Nope...you're my human now. Deal with it."

"So...what's to stop me from taking off and leaving the planet with you in tow?"

Her eyes lit up at that, "Really!? You'd take me with you?"

"That wasn't...that wasn't supposed to be a good thing.... God damn it...this is gonna be like that banana incident all over again." I sat upright and swung out of my bed, "Fine...ya know what...what ever...follow me."

She returned me a beaming smile as I lead her through the corridors of my ship, "Wait...I can do it."

I was about to open a door when she pushed me out of the way and pressed the panel with her hoof. I just shook my head and walked inside, "Spare room...but you're technically crew. Banana incident.... Anyways, I'm trying to hide out for a while so keep this quiet."

She trotted into the plain room. It was odd having a horse almost eye level with me, I was about six seven, foot to shoulder she was about five ten. "Wait...so...you're letting me stay? Just like that?"

I rubbed the back of my head, "Happened before...Banana incident.... It's usually fine unless it's not, and given your knowledge of human, which I expect you to explain at some point, who knows...maybe I'll drop you off on a station when I get a chance."

"Sweet...so...what's the catch?" She stepped onto her new bed and curled up, "You don't want sex...you didn't say yes to money...so what do you want?"

"What do I want?  I want you to shut up, but I'm doubtful that that will happen. Uh...how about you tell me about your people."

She smile wide and levitated a chair over. Great...telakenetic horse. "Sit."

I did. She quickly gave me a broad overview of the town I had landed next to, about ponies, about princesses, and about apples, "...Why you landed in Ghastly gorge is beyond me though."

"Ghastly gorge?" I looked out the window and shudders, "I landed in a canyon."

"We're in Ghastly gorge right now."

"It's not a gorge! It's a canyon! There's a difference!"

"Oh yeah smart guy, what's the difference?"

I was caught off guard by her question, "A gorge...is like a canyon...but.... Shut up." She smirked at her petty victory, "It's still a canyon!" Her smile only grew wider, "Screw you horse! Fuck it, I'm going out...."

I started off down the halls, only to be pulled back into the room, "Not yet," She rolled over onto her back, "More rubbing...then I'll take you into town myself."

"I wasn't even going to go into town, I was gonna go...do something else." I grabbed onto the door frame to stop her pulling me around.

"Oh come on, you know you want to." She wiggled around on her new bed, "Look at my belly, you know you want to rub it."

I let my head fall, "Yeah...I do want to. But see, you want me to...so...yeah, conflicted."

"Let me ask you this," She pulled my over to the side of the bed, "Do you have anything better to do?"

I gave it a quick thought, "Huh...I could get drunk-"

"We could get drunk, then you could rub my belly!" Lyra rolled onto her front at the prospect.

"What is with you and belly rubs?"

"What is with you and not wanting to rub a belly?"

"...I'll get the booze...." I sauntered out of the room and to the mess room. I quickly found a bottle of jeager, "The taste of regret..." I swung the bottle back, "Tastes like...death."

I slowly got hammered as I walked towards the room. The mare had disappeared. I slowly walked into the room, "But...horse in the ship-" I was cut off by a heavy weight landing on my back and making me stumble forward.

"Yoink!" The bottle was quickly ripped from my grasps, "What is it?"

It felt like she was mounting me, an uncomfortable feeling I was unable to stop as I stumbled forward and slammed into the bed. Lyra got off of me and crawled back onto the bed, "Jeager...intergalactic icebreaker, or it might kill you...can you drink alcohol?"

She made a quick farting sound, "Can I drink, you bet your-" She brought the bottle to her lips. Her eyes shot wide as she suffered through the drink, "That was awful."

I yanked the bottle back and sat with my back against the side of the bed, "Jeager is awful." I slammed the drink back, "But it gets you drunk." I threw my hand back and started running it along a fleshy warmth, "What am I grabbing?"

I could hear the bottle slosh around behind me, "Don't worry about it." Her breath was a bit unstable, "So...are you single?"

I just kept rubbing the soft flesh, "Pass that thing back...I'm way to sober for this right now." I quickly felt the bottle back in my hand. I took an elongated hit and felt horrid liquor coat my mouth, "Ya know...I've fucked a few aliens in my life...never fucked a horse."

"I'm not a horse you ugly jerk!"

"Horse! Anyways...I was gonna say...I don't plan to. Not right now especially...so just...shut up and drink." I passed the drink back and went to scratching her belly. I saw the now empty bottle drop to the floor.

It was accompanied by a weight on the top of my head, "I knew you were real...they called me carzy...I'll show em cazy!" I brought my hand back and started feeling around my crown, "Hey...hi hand...I love you too." I tapped the top of her muzzle and let my hand rest there.

"Freaking aliens...never understand personal space. Space...space!" I screamed like an idiot, "I like space."

I could both hear and feel Lyra chuckling. Her laughs were followed by a pair of legs dangling next to my head, "Human...you're stupid. Why are you stupid?"

"Because I allowed an alien onto my ship for the twentieth time. Oddly enough this is the first time they asked me for sex, not the other way around." I gave a long sigh as I laid my head back against the top of the bed, "Sen'ari were the best...lizard people."

"Eww."

"Quiet you." I grumbled, "What's your excuze- excuz- ex...problem?"

She bopped my hand up and down on her muzzle, "They look like little penises. Hands are cool...dragons have claws...so do griffons...they're kinda the same but.... I've been with a griffon...talons hurt too much."

I brought my free hand up to my forehead and started slamming it across my head, "Creepy...I wonder if I was like this with any of em." I mused on it as I slowly drifted to sleep. My arm was slowly falling asleep from its elevated position, but Lyra refused to give it back. It felt like she was chewing on it, or gnawing to be more accurate.

Well, I did want to meet the locals. Kinda unexpected meeting maybe, but still...pet horse now? That has to count for something cool right? Strange drunk thoughts.