I didn't see who or what they were, as they kept their distance. But, I did know they were there, and I didn't like it.

"Who's out there? Show yourself!" I cried, but they never did. Oh well. I had other things to worry about. Like, for instance, I had just come down from my autopilot mode, and was now freaking out. I was in an alien world, with no food, no help, and no way out. To make things more bleak, I now had a virtual goddess and her lackeys after me, and she seemed like the kind of person that tattles, so I should include the big cheese herself, Celestia, I think it was, to my list of apocalyptic problems.

"You're going to die! Take off the costume and ask for help!" My inner voice cried.

"What, and walk around naked? I'd rather die with dignity, thank you." I told it.

"Better naked than dead, you half wit!" My inner voice retorted. I was done arguing with my conscious at that point, so I shut it out.

"I just need a way to defend myself from these ponies, and I'm solid. But where am I going to get magic?" I asked myself, and my situation seemed more and more bleak as I thought. But I had to do something, even if it wasn't something I was proud of. I needed a demon. I tried to think of how I could summon something as powerful as that, but nothing came to mind short of sacrificing a goat to Satan, and that included selling my soul, which I needed, to him. I started freaking out and hyperventilating and all that panicking stuff that people do when they get terrified out of their wits, when I suddenly remembered a helpful bit of useful knowledge: Twilight owned a library! If safe demon-summoning rituals were anywhere, they had to be there. So, I gathered myself and attempted to set out for the library, but I didn't make it very far before I was beset by something big: A slender, violet-scaled dragon, with red stripes running along its length, and an air of immeasurable malice about it. I tried to panic, but my autopilot kicked in at that moment, and I readied my staff. I had no idea how a giant stick was going to save me from five tons of scales and reptile flesh, but I figured that if I was going to die, I was going to do so looking like a badass. However, the dragon paid no mind to my display, just smiled smugly, like I was some kind of toy that came to life and rebelled against its master.

"Stay away from me, you overgrown iguana!" I shouted at the dragon, but, or rather, she, by her voice, just laughed.

"Well, You've quite a mouth on you. Guess the rumors of your ill temper were an understatement." The dragon said, lowering herself into a more relaxed pose.

"Rumors? I just got here." I said. Indeed, I figured that there would be rumors of my bad attitude and general brutality, but I never expected them to spread so damn fast. Then, I realized: I went off on Pinkie Pie. Of course something like that was going to get around.

"I suppose..." I sighed.

"So I guess you're going to kill me and return my body for some kind of ransom, then?" I asked.

"I thought about it at first... But then I had a realization: I fancy myself a collector of sorts, mostly of rare things. And then I thought... My hoard could use a protector of sorts. And what better to protect my stash than a wizard who can stand up to and injure a princess of Equestria?" The dragon said thoughtfully, and I gulped internally.

"So? What are you going to do? Hang me up like some kind of ornament?" I asked.

"Of course not! I just thought we could work something out, you and me. I need someone to just be around my cave, make sure no one steals anything, and you need someone to keep you away from the princesses. Plus, it'd be nice to have some company." She replied with a sly smile. I didn't like the way this conversation was going, and I needed a way to defend myself before a princess showed up to destroy me. So, I did the one thing I was renowned for: Bluffing.

"You do realize that if the princesses find out about me being in your lair, they're going to destroy you too, right?" I bluffed. The dragon seemed to comprehend this, but waived the thought off.

"I see your point, but I can keep a secret quite well. What happens in my lair, stays in my lair. Well, most things..." The dragon replied shyly. This clearly wasn't working, and I still had no way to protect myself. For a split second, I thought of taking the dragon on her offer, but I quickly dismissed the thought. After all, It doesn't sound like a lot of a life to be stuck in a cave as some kind of ornament. However, I regained the thought, and devised a cunning plan. If dragons were as smart as I thought they were, this plan would work brilliantly. Unfortunately, I forgot to take their tenacity into account, but that's later. Now, I had this great plan, and I quickly jumped on it:

"Alright, I'll go. It's got to be better than sittin' in this forest for the rest of my life." I said, shrugging.

"Really, just like that? No demands, or threats, or running away?" She asked.

"Nope. I need protection, and a dragon always seems like a suitable candidate, especially one as powerful and intimidating as yourself." I half-lied. True, she was big and intimidating, but all dragons are. Besides, the best way to a lady's heart is through flattery, no matter their species. You just have to find the right words to use, which is why I'm so good at it. Females are so easy to manipulate, especially the younger ones.

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." She said, blushing, and batting her eyes at my compliment as her red stripes seemed to brighten. I felt like vomiting, not because the gesture disgusted me; she wasn't the most hideous thing I'd ever seen, after all, but because I felt a horrible dread that this was going to fail horribly. Though she was young, she was still a dragon, and I was still a petty human being. However, I had to keep a straight face as she picked me up and carried me back to her lair. Did I mention that I HATE being manhandled? It's demeaning. But, I really had no other choice. It was either sit around and wait to get eaten or obliterated, or spend some time as a treasure-sitter. The choice, I think, was obvious. I just wish I didn't have to be held like some kind of doll. Anyway, so we arrive at the lair in about a minute, or maybe more. I honestly wasn't paying attention. Anyways, I reach the dragons lair, and I'm pretty dumbstruck. I've never seen a pile of shining gold stuff and gems as big as the one I bore witness to, and likely wouldn't again for a while.

"Well, here's my lair. I know, it's kind of pitiful, but I'm working on it..." The dragon said shyly. So insecure. This was going to be too easy.

"It's not that bad. I haven't seen many hoards big as yours." I said, causing her to blush again. "By the way, you've never told me your name." I said, trying to appeal to my "captor" by seeming to care.

"My name..? Eh, It's kinda stupid..." She replied.

"It can't possibly be the worst name I've heard today. Just tell me." I said. I meant it, too. Pony names are fucking ridiculous. Why do people watch this damn show?!

"Well, if you insist... It's Mizzietta." The dragon replied timidly. Honestly, it was the most normal-sounding name I'd ever heard today, and I told her that.

"That's the most normal name I've heard today. Actually, It's pretty cool. Why do you hate it?" I asked. Then, I learned why I hate talking to girls: They go off like bombs.

"Because it's just crazy! They could have named me something normal, like Mia, or Naia, or even Jewel, but I had to get the crazy name!" Mizzietta went off, leaving me forced to listen to her life story, which I dozed off through half of.

"...And another thing, I am not my mother! She was a horrible beast, and the only one I could trust was my uncle Bolas! Why did he have to be able to travel dimensions while I got stuck in this hellhole with people I don't even like? It's not fair! And then there's my brothers, who are all even worse! I swear, It's like no one understands." Mizzietta ranted. I was tempted to make a snide remark, but I had to remember that I was only human, and she was a giant, fire-breathing dragon. So, I just went with it.

"Yeah, I totally understand." I lied. I didn't really understand anything she said, but I was not going to hear the details of her insanity. All I got was that she hated her name, and her mom, and I caught some giblets of the dreaded "Daddy Issues". But still, the answer satisfied her. In fact, it seemed to shock her.

"You... Understand?" She asked, as if the concept was completely foreign to her. I then remembered hearing her talk about not having many friends because one of her brothers kept driving them off. I will tell you right now, I don't feel bad for anyone, not even my own family most times. But after hearing Mizzy's story, I actually felt my cold, black heart twinge a little when she asked that.

"Yeah, I'm not exactly a spotlight child, either. Hell, I'm surprised I even had friends. Ah, well." I said.

"I see..." she said, eyeing me curiously, which kind of freaked me out a little. Then she got up, and walked over to her hoard.

"Well, you see the cave, and you know your way around it." She said, still eyeing me uncomfortably.

"Why do you need me here, if you can just lay on your hoard? You can't possibly have any problems here." I told her, looking around.

"Well, I may not have been entirely truthful with you, Malideus..." Mizzietta said cautiously, as if she was afraid of me. I almost laughed at that, but I had to stifle it and act tough, because I was likely not going to like her explanation.

"What do you mean, wyrm? Explain yourself!" I demanded in my bad-guy voice. Surprisingly enough, she seemed scared of me. Anyway, back to the story.

"I just... I wanted to speak with you. I heard about your powers, and I need someone to help me." Mizzietta said, shuffling nervously. I hate doing things for people, I really do, but I had a really bad feeling that her uncle Bolas wouldn't be as afraid of me as she was, So I reluctantly agreed to do it... Whatever "it" was.

"Alright, but you could have just told me in the forest." I replied.

"No, I couldn't. Listen, This is why I dragged you here to tell you: There's a town nearby, called Ponyville. You should have heard of it, because I heard you've been there before." She said. At that exact moment, my heart fell to the deepest recesses of my stomach, and I froze up faster than a 30-year-old computer trying to run Skyrim.

"No! I'm not going back there! Eh, I mean, I can't, because... I have a perfectly valid reason." I told her. In honesty, it was indeed a valid reason: If I went back there, I was going to die, painfully. However, Mizzietta looked so downtrodden, that i actually felt bad for her, which scared me... a lot.

"Well, I did have this reward I was going to give to whoever did this favor..." Mizzy said sadly, holding up a red-gemmed amulet that looked vaguely like an alicorn.

"What is that?" I asked.

"This? Just the Alicorn Amulet. Picked it up from a raid two weeks ago. I didn't need it, so I figured..." Her lament was interrupted by my thoughts at that moment. She didn't need it, but I did, and badly. So badly, in fact, that my dumb, tired brain decided to make me accept the quest.

"Wait! I meant to say, uh, I won't go back without payment up front! I'm very precise. Give me the amulet, and it's a deal." I said. Mizzy looked at me with a very confused look, and shook her head, smiling smugly.

"Nope. First you have to do the task, then you get paid. That's how this works." She said. I, however, was terrified. She was doing this for one reason: She knew I wasn't as powerful as I let on. What else did she know? As thoughts of what she figured out filled my head, I began to panic badly.

"You dare..." I stammered, but Mizzietta only laughed.

"I guess you've figured it out then, huh? Not as great and mighty as others think, huh?" Mizzietta taunted.

"Yeah, I figured it out when you told me you understood what I was saying. That sounded too understanding for such an evil, powerful wizard. You're a great talker, boy, but you're a terrible liar. I just needed the right proof. And now, I have it. Tell me, "Malideus", are you even a pony under that getup?" Mizzietta asked.

"...Fine, you got me. I'm not a wizard, and I'm not a pony." I then removed my helmet to prove my point, and Mizzietta's smile grew wider. "So why keep me around, then? You know I'm a fraud, why not roast me already?" I demanded, accepting any fate laid before me. I was many things, but a coward was not one of them. However, Mizzy had other plans.

"I'm not going to kill you for two reasons. One, I understand that you really hate ponies. I do, too. Two, I like you. You talk pretty good for a kid. You had me going for a while, and that takes skill. And call me weird, but I think you're pretty cute. However, you are right. Why would I need you if you're not a wizard?" Mizzietta asked rhetorically.

"Well, It's simple: I need you. That artifact I was talking about was real. It's a necklace my uncle gave me, and it's really powerful, and even more important. However, it's also really protected. Only someone smaller than, but just as intimidating as me could ever hope to retrieve it... If you catch my drift." She explained. And after hearing that plan, I couldn't help but feel the utmost respect for this dragon. Yeah, I could have done without the "you're cute" part, but I really liked the plan.

"And if I die?" I asked. Mizzietta laughed.

"I promise, I won't let that happen, cutie." She replied, and I began to feel really, really uncomfortable around her. Like, I could shrug it off before, but I couldn't anymore.

"And if I refuse?" I asked, crossing my arms. Suddenly, as if in response, the dragon presses me against the ground with her claws, and puts her face really close to mine.

"Well, if you refuse, You're still too rare to let go, and I'd hate to see you get killed out there..." Mizzietta began, and I think I lost feeling in my face due to how much blood was rushing to it.

"Point taken. I'll go ahead and head out right now." I said, trying to escape the big horny lizard that now had me pinned to the ground.

"What, now? At this hour of the night? You might need your rest..." Mizzietta asked sultrily, getting slowly closer to me. First off, let me say, I was not, in ANY way, turned on by this. Plus, there were several things wrong with this scenario: One, interspecies intercourse does NOT suit well with me. Two, I was NOT okay with being an eternal sex toy for some giant lizard with mommy issues, and three, the most important reason, it was going to be five tons of scales and reptile flesh on one 135-pound human. I could forsee several ways that could end, and none of them were pleasant. Those things in mind, I try weaseling:

"I don't need rest! Besides, night is the perfect time to sneak in and steal something. Everyone will be sleeping!" I more pleaded than explained. However, Mizzy was having none of it.

"You're not very stealthy." She shot down that answer with extreme prejudice, leading me to believe that she didn't even want her necklace. Still, I had to try.

"I'll get the fucking necklace for you, just let me go!" I finally pleaded. Mizzietta seemed oblivious at first, but then seemed to ponder, tapping a claw on her chin, then she smiled.

"Alright. Get me the necklace, then return here for your reward. However, if you flake... Well, let's just say you won't be feeling those legs of yours for a while, or anything below your waist, for that matter." She said, and then she let me go.

As I climbed down the mountain the cave was in, I started to wonder if this was going to be a regular thing. Then, as I reached the bottom, I put my helmet back on, and headed off. Thankfully, I have infallible recall, so I (barely) made it back to the edge of the forest closest to Ponyville. God, I hate that name. Apparently, on account of a note Mizzy sent me off with (which had WAAAY too many X's and O's on the bottom for my comfort), the necklace was in a clothier in the market district. I figured it would be easy enough, except I had a sinking felling on account of the fact that one of the Mane 6 runs a clothier. Praying to whatever god (or goddess) that would listen that this wasn't the same one, I trudged on toward the town. Thankfully, it was still night, so I had no trouble getting into the town on account of my black robes. However, finding the clothier had to have been the most grueling, time-consuming task it had ever been my misfortune to undertake, but I managed to find it, and with moonlight still at my disposal. Using my clawed gauntlets, I unlocked the door, and slid inside, leaving my metal boots at the door. I slid throughout the shop like a shadow, looking through drawers for the necklace, which supposedly looked like a pair of horns with an oval between the tips. I looked, but could find no such amulet. Suddenly, though, I hear a noise behind me, and I turn, in all my robed, armored glory, towards the source: A small child. Or so I think. As I look at the terrified kid, I notice that she's a pony, too, which gets my blood boiling. However, we both stand in silence for a solid minute, but then the rug rat decides to run upstairs, so I move like a bolt of lightning in front of her, pick the kid up, and hold her mouth shut, keeping her ear close to my face so I can make my demands:

"Listen, kid, and listen good. You're going to stay quiet, or I'm going to slit your throat. I'm here for one thing, and you're going to tell me where it is, now. Comprende`?" I whisper viciously. The kid nodded vigorously, tears streaming down her face, then I set her down.

"Now, runt, I want you to help me find all the necklaces in this house and bring them to me. Now." I told her, and the kid ran upstairs, rummaging through drawers, while I searched the various rooms, until I came across one last one. At that moment, however, The kid comes running up to me with all these necklaces, none of them the one I was looking for. Feeling very disappointed, I hold my hand to my helmeted face, sighing.

"Am I going to die?" The kid asks, terrified out of her wits, and I sigh again.

"Not if you're out of my sight in ten seconds..." I groan, and the kid runs off to her room, locking the door. That done, I gently open the last door... And see something that causes my heart to drop. Sleeping in the bed in that room was none other than the Element of Generosity herself. Silently cursing whichever god (or goddess) that caused this to happen, I slowly crept to the nightstand beside the bed. Carefully, oh so carefully, I opened the nightstand drawer as silently as possible, not making a single squeak as I pulled it out. As soon as it was open, I looked inside, and saw a little jewelry box. I slowly take the box out, taking extreme caution not to disturb its contents, and open it ever so slowly, and carefully, and peer inside. When I did, I almost jumped for joy, but refrained, for what lay inside was the very amulet I was looking for. I then take the amulet out, careful not to disturb the other rings and necklaces it rested upon, then carefully put the box back, shut the drawer, and tried to get out, but then someone gasped loudly behind me, and I froze in place, hoping that would make me invisible. Unfortunately, it did not, and Rarity got out of bed, taking an offensive stance as she addressed me:

"Stop right there, thief! Who are you, and what have you taken from me? Answer now, or I'll-" Her annoying speech was interrupted mid-sentence when I turned around, revealing my helmet and gauntlets to the pony. As soon as she saw the helmet, I swear she almost fainted, stumbling, before grabbing the bed and stammering in terror.

"You...You're that wizard... The one... Twilight..." She didn't finish before fainting.

"That was easy." I said, then I turned, and ran out the door as fast as I could, grabbing my boots and putting them on, then I bolted again. I ran quickly, but I tripped over my robe, and fell into the ground, which caused a ruckus that woke everyone, judging by the lights that went on. Cursing my luck, I continue my sprint, but someone tackles me, and I fall again. Now let me tell you, I'm getting pretty tired of falling, so I turn to punch whoever tackled me, and I see that it's Rarity! She must have recovered and decided to stall me, and now she was clinging to my legs while I struggled to get rid of her.

"Fucking heroes..." I mutter before turning and grabbing her hair in an attempt to pull her off. Thankfully (and predictably), she grabs her hair in an effort to save it, and releases me. As soon as she does, I get up, grab the interloping bitch by the throat, and lift her off her feet. It wasn't hard, since she was surprisingly light, but she started screaming, causing me to grasp my helmet with my spare hand, and then she starts kicking. If it was a normal person, I would have been able to take it like a champ, because feet can only be so hard. But no, these pests had fucking horse legs, complete with hooves, and each kick was like getting hit with a baseball bat at terminal velocity. So, naturally, I throw her aside, and run as fast as I can. I run, but I'm suddenly surrounded by four ponies: Pinkie, Rarity, Twilight, and an orange one with a cowboy hat I'd never seen before, but I'm pretty sure was Applejack. Either way, I was trapped. However, that didn't stop me from acting badder than I really was.

"What is this foolishness? How did you four gather so quickly?!" I asked in my commonly-used evil voice.

"That doesn't matter now! Now we have you, and you're going to face justice like any other criminal!" Princess Twilight said, causing my blood to boil.

"My affairs in this fetid town do not concern you, Princess! Stand aside, or risk destruction!" I said as boldly as I could.

"Oh yeah? You and what army, wizard?" Applejack asks, and I feel like punching someone. However, I restrain myself, and I simply respond:

"I need no army, inbred. I only need this." I say, pulling out the necklace I stole from Rarity, and everyone gasps.

"H-how did you..?" Rarity asks.

"It doesn't matter! He's bluffing. He doesn't know how to use it!" Twilight exclaims.

"Don't I?" I ask, holding the amulet as if about to put it on.

"Oh, gosh, he's gonna do it!" Pinkie exclaimed, terrified.

"He's gotta be pullin' somethin'." Applejack said hastily.

"As I said, worms, my business here is none of your concern. If you value your lives and the lives of those who live in this town, you'll step aside." I demanded. In reality, I didn't want to put the thing on, for fear that I might explode or something, but it was clearly scaring them, so I threatened to do so. And finally, Twilight steps aside.

"Wise choice, pest." I say, acting like I knew she would do that. However, I was actually very, very relieved. At first, I felt that she might call my bluff, but I'm just too good for that... or so I thought.

"NOW!" Twilight shouts, and I'm suddenly hyper-tackled by a cyan blur, and both me and my assailant land in a tree, and I let go of the amulet.

"No!" I cry, pushing the prismatic-maned pony aside, and grabbing the amulet. However, I clearly dive at the right time, because while I was falling, a beam of magic flies over me, turning the tree to stone.

"No! Get him!" Twilight cries, casting another spell, but I dodge that one, too, sidestepping to the right as the bolt wizzes by me. Then, I kick into autopilot again. Pinkie tries to block my way, so I spin past her, causing her to fall over, then I shove Applejack to the side, into Rainbow Dash, who was trying to blindside me, and then move swiftly up to Rarity, who's stunned by the performance I just pulled (and frankly, so am I), and I headbutt her, knocking her down. Finally, I reach Twilight, and put her in a headlock, my metal claws placed dangerously close to her neck. Meanwhile, The sun is rising. Why's that important? We'll get to that later. But now, I'm enjoying a great victory, while Twilight is struggling in my grasp, and her friends don't dare to move, lest I tear their friend's neck open.

"You fiend! Release her!" Rarity demands, and everyone agrees.

"Why, pray tell? So you can lock me up or turn me to stone? I think not." I say grimly. I've had it up to the tip of the horns of my helmet with these five, plus the yellow one that wasn't showing up, and I was going to take this chance to get as far away from these freaks as possible.

"Now, You four had best stand aside, before I pave the road with your friend's blood." I say, and they do exactly as I say.

"Alright, go, just don't hurt her!" Pinkie Pie says, causing me to laugh.

"As you wish." I say, throwing the purple nuisance at them and running while they were disoriented. I ran, ran as fast as I could, and I went into the forest without a second thought, toward the cave where Mizzietta lives. But remember when I said the sun rising was important? Well, I was running, and I turn my head for some reason, but the sun gets in my eyes, blinding me, and I flail blindly into a tree. As if that wasn't bad enough, I ricochet off of the tree, and back into something tall and soft, still cursing and yelling while rubbing my eyes. As soon as my vision clears substantially, I look to what I bumped into... And immediately wished I'd kept walking.

"Hello, Malideus. We meet at last." Said this tall, white mare in a flowing rainbow dress, and she sounded like she really didn't want to see me, even though she was the one following me.

"Eh, do I know you?" I said, still a bit disoriented.

"You should. I am princess Celestia, after all. Now, care to tell me why you've been terrorizing my citizens and injuring a former student of mine?" Celestia said, glaring. I kind of did a nervous laugh in response.

"Not really. See, it's a long story, and I've got someone to see." I said nervously, turning to bolt again. However, Something snagged my robe, stopping me in my tracks. I turn around, and see Celestia has grabbed the back of my robes, and was holding her face.

"Listen to me, Malideus. I don't know where you get off acting like... This, but it ends here. You are coming with me, and facing trial. Now, remove your helmet and come with me, before I just turn you to stone." Celestia demanded, shooting me a death glare. My mind was racing faster than it could process. I was terrified, but my fear was too great to show, so I just stood there, frozen. Then, autopilot kicks in, and does what it always does: Makes things worse.

"As much as I'd love to go with you to face my doom, Celestia, I'm afraid I cannot. Many apologies." I say, and Celestia's glare turns into a more bemused, tired look.

"And why ever not?" She asked. Then, autopilot went straight to worsening my already-bad situation:

"Because you'll need to see a dentist soon about your chipped tooth." I say, and before Celestia could ask why, I break my staff across her face, sending her recoiling away from me, and I bolt away, in the direction of the ruins. If anywhere could hide me, it was there. As soon as I reached the ruins, I hid in a partially intact building, wondering what kind of hell Malideus just got me into.