It was a long, harrowing journey back to the cave, thanks to Kherrie falling asleep on account of 'being full'. Oh, she's gonna be full of my foot up her ass in a moment... Thankfully, Otsuna knows this forest like the back of her paw, so the journey was not as bad as it could have been. So, we make it back to the cave in good time, about two minutes to midnight. So, we enter, and none of us, especially not Hezafen, are very quiet coming in, and we inadvertently wake Mizzy, who had fallen asleep sending letters, by the look of it.

"Zzz... Uh, wha..? Mal?" Mizzy mumbles, yawning.

"Yes, Mizzy, it's me." I say, putting Kherrie on my bed.

"What in the world?! Who the heck are these chumps?" Mizzy asks.

"Chumps?" Otsuna asks.

"Subject appears rude. Permission to destroy, Malideus?" Hezafen asks, raising his fists.

"No, Hezafen, you can't destroy her. I don't think it's possible." I say, and Mizzy looks steamed.

"Yeah, I still don't know who these guys are. And what did you put on your bed?" Mizzy asks, looking at Kherrie.

"That's Kherrie. Please, don't wake her up, I don't want to know what she gets like when she's cranky." I say.

"As for the others, they're help I picked up. Mizzy, meet Crush," I say, pointing to the Minotaur. "Hezafen," I point to the glass golem. "Otsuna," I gesture to the timber wolf. "... And FlickerFather." I say.

"Eh, It's FlitterFeather." he says.

"It's gay is what it is." I say, shutting him up. "And the adorable ball of evil on the bed is Kherrie, goddess of the Dark Harvest." I say, and Mizzy d'awws as she looks at her.

"Aww, she's adorable. But what the hell, Mal?! My cave isn't infinite!" Mizzy cries, and I sigh.

"Yes, I know. That's why I made a solution for that, involving Ponyville. My meeting went well, by the way, thanks for asking!" I say spitefully.

"What plan, Mal? Ponyville is in ruins." Mizzy says.

"Not for long. Come morning, I'm going to make the devils work to rebuild it. I will call it... Malideopolis!" I say dramatically, striking a pose.

"That's the lamest name ever, Mal. But as long as it gets done, I'm fine." Mizzy says, getting back on her horde.

"Great. Alright, guys, stay here and make yourselves at home. I have another appointment, and I'll be right back." I say, and everyone murmurs in agreement. So, I leave the cave, and head toward the devil-infested ruins of Ponyville to meet Luna, and get the leverage I've desired since I first decided I wanted leverage. By midnight, I reach the town, which is emptier than I thought. So, I walk to the former center of town, where the ruins of a fountain reside. There, I get into character, wanting to make this last encounter count. After all, this was the last resistance I would encounter from Luna, so I might as well let my inner villain have it's greatest hurrah. As I finish getting my mindset into place, I see a figure walk up to me from the horizon, approach the meeting place by the fountain, and step into the moonlight. That figure, as I guessed, was Luna.

"So, you decided to show? That's good... Tardiness will be unacceptable in your new job." I say, grinning.

"Chris, it is not too late. I only came here to tell you the danger of what you are becoming... You have to stop this, Chris, if not for our sake, then for yours!" Luna replies, worry in her voice.

"This again!? We established this, Luna! I am not what you think I am, nor what you want me to be. But, enough of this foolishness. This ends now, Luna. The question is, how do you choose to end this?" I ask, fed up with her trying to be friends with me.

"I will end this how I promised: You may try to take me, but I will not go willingly." Luna says, grimacing as she forms her sword again, ready to strike. "If you want me, you'll have to defeat me again! And this time, I will not hold back!"

"You would defy me after all I did?" I ask, approaching the princess, who backs away, apparently out of fear of what I'll do next. "I beat all the odds, Luna. I won against every single enemy I've faced, and still you fight me?" I ask finally, placing my finger beneath her chin.

"Don't taunt me!" Luna says, pushing my hand away. "You've destroyed all hope I ever had for you, Chris, and I will not surrender this time! I have tried being reasonable, and tried to understand, but I see no other option: If you are to be helped, I must purge you myself." Luna says, holding her blade in front of her. However, my character doesn't take 'no' for an answer. She will submit, one way, or another.

"You can't purge me, Luna. Celestia can't, and neither can you. Just give up, and I can make this much more enjoyable." I say, grabbing her sword and lowering it. She seems to shiver at the action, but does nothing.

"You won't take my power like you took my sister's! I will stop you, Chris, before you make a grave mistake... I have to stop you, one way, or another..." Luna retorts, backing away from me. I, however, just laugh at her attempts to resist me. I feel her will breaking, deteriorating as I speak. No chick can resist Malideus, as I have proven over and over again, and this one's no different.

"Is that what you really think, Luna?" I ask, and she stops.

"Huh?" She mutters, confused.

"I see my influence grow in you, corrupting you. You call yourself pure? Then fight me, wench! Strike me down and prove your resolve! Unless, of course, you can't bear to harm 'Chris'?" I taunt, and Luna shudders once more, but strengthens her resolve.

"I will! I will strike you down, and purge the evil from you! And if you must die, then so be it!" She cries, and she lunges at me, and stabs with her sword, but I dodge, and grab her arm, causing her to cry out in shock.

"Weak, just weak. I'd let you try again, Luna, but we both know what would happen." I mock, lifting her arm. "You'd lunge, then miss, and then you'll run away, oh, what is it you ponies use? 'Crying like a filly', was it? Well, there's no running this time, princess." I explain, and Luna weakly tries to escape my grip, but I feel her resolve breaking.

"Let me go..." Luna whines, but my grip is solid, and escape is impossible.

"Why, so you can run to your sister? She can't save you, Luna... No one can." I explain. "Now... give yourself to me, and let your power become mine." I say, drawing her closer to me.

"Chris... stop..." Luna mutters weakly, but she has given up. Luna is mine now.

"Shhh... Like I said, Your sister can't save you now. Just let it all go..." I coo, caressing her evilly, but a sudden voice from behind startles me, causing me to release Luna, who backs up dizzily, blushing like crazy.

"Actually, Malideus, I can." the voice says, and I turn to see... Celestia, of course. Damn that bitch to the eighth level of hell!

"Well, there goes my power-boner..." I mutter angrily.

"Sister... did... did you follow me?" Luna wearily asks. Before Celestia can respond, however, I notice something horrifying about her that wasn't there before:

"Did you get TALLER?!" I ask, shocked. Indeed, she now towered over me once more, and seemed fighting fit... and fighting mad.

"Do not act surprised, Malideus. As for you, Luna, we will discuss this when we get home. And Malideus, these past weeks have been nothing but pain, thanks to you taking my power! However, to answer your question, I did 'borrow' some of Chrysalis' power, which she was more than happy to give when I told her it meant getting closer to taking you down." Celestia explains, cracking her knuckles. I'm scared shitless right now, but I'm in character now, and Malideus doesn't even cringe at a challenge, no matter how impossible. If this bitch wants a fight, she's got one.

"You think I care that you were able to get your power back? Your sister is in my thrall, and nothing you can do will ever truly break it!" I declare.

"We'll see about that when I take all YOUR power!" Celestia says. "Then, I'm not going to stop at locking you up. I'm going to humiliate you before everyone in the country, and every other in the world. I'm going to make you wish you never came here, Malideus!" Celestia exclaims, glaring daggers at me as she charges a nasty-looking spell.

"You have to beat me first, Celly!" I say, casting a lightning bolt at her, forcing her to cancel her spell to dodge.

"Is that all you have, Malideus? Witty remarks and simple spells?" Celestia says, and she casts yet another petrify spell at me, which I deflect with my gauntlet, then yawn.

"You're one to talk! What was that, another petrify spell? You're getting predictable, Princess." I remark wittily.

"Grrr... I will not be mocked by you, Malideus! You may have my sister, but Equestria will never fall to you! We have already rebuilt Canterlot, and ensured that you will never set foot in its walls ever again!" She exclaims.

"You sound sure. There's no way you could have rebuilt that trash heap in such short time. Besides, do you really think you can hold me off, when your own sister couldn't?" I ask, charging a nasty spell of my own.

"You think that's any real feat? Luna, no offense, sister, is REALLY naive. I swear, anyone could corrupt her given the time." Celestia retorts, casting another spell at me, which I dodge.

"I thought... I could stop him... sister..." Luna tiredly says, then collapses, to be caught by Celestia.

"Luna! What have you done to her, wizard!?" Celestia asks, fuming as she holds her barely-conscious sister.

"Why do I suddenly have to know everything? Maybe she orgasmed too hard." I say, shrugging.

"Your jokes will not save you this time, Malideus!" Celestia says, putting her sister down and charging a spell.

"When have they ever?" I ask, preparing to deflect it. So, our epic battle begins, with her throwing a giant fireball at me, which I extinguish with a wave of my hand, and me responding with several ice spikes, which her angry aura alone melts before they touch her, and she continues her approach toward me, probably hoping to fry me with her anger alone.

"Damn, bitch, you need to chill. How 'bout a little blizzard?" I remark, casting a blizzard spell at her, which lowers her aura, but she does not give up.

"You think some wind and snow will stop me?" Celestia asks. Damn, she's right, I need a wildcard, just something to distract her.

"No, but I know what will." I say, reaching into my robe.

"Let me guess, your lame "pocket sand" attack?" Celestia asks, rolling her eyes. "And you call ME predictable..." she says, continuing her approach.

"Nope, even better." I say, pulling out the Oghma Infinium.

"What is that?" Celestia asks, more confused than angry now.

"You'll see, Celestia." I say, flipping through the book. "Ah, here we go... Transmogrificus Bestius: Felis!" I chant, charging a ball of sickly green magic in my off hand, which seems to mesmerize Celestia. Then, I cast it, but she deflects it back at me with a ward, and I use my split-second awareness skills to cast my own ward, and deflect it back at her. So, our epic final confrontation has become a game of one-on-one tennis, and I'm quickly becoming bored. So, in the name of some good, old-fashioned evil, I tilt my ward ever-so-slightly, so the ball of magic goes right for Luna, who's still hardly awake. After realizing this, Celestia dives for the bolt, and once in front of it, she dispels it. Darn, I really wanted to turn someone into a cat. That is what the spell did, after all. Still, that dive left her at my mercy, so I point my staff at her, and prepare a simple petrify spell.

"Well, you put on quite the show, there, Celly, But I'm afraid it's curtains for you. Any last words?" I ask, but Celestia just smiles, grabbing her sister, to my confusion.

"Yes, actually: Goodbye." Celestia says, and she and Luna teleport away, likely back to their castle, foiling my plans again. I'll admit it this time: I'm NOT happy.

"DAMN IT!!!" I shout, stomping the ground. "I HAD THEM! I ALMOST HAD THEM!!!" a while after my rant, I finally give up, and return to Mizzy's cave to wallow in my failure, and hopefully get some sleep. I have an audition to do in the morning, and I need my rest if I was to judge the best to join me. As I am about to scale the cliff separating me and the cave, however, I'm suddenly aware of a presence behind me, and it does NOT feel friendly. I then turn, and I meet the featureless, grinning face of a familiar demon:

"Kragda-mother-fucking-Maul." I say as the sinister demon backs up, laughing.

"I haven't been called THAT in a while. Not since Kherrie, anyway... Speaking of which, a little birdy told me she joined you recently. Granted, I tortured the information out of it, and then killed it afterward, but nonetheless, t'is a momentous occasion, to be sure." Kragda-Maul says, chuckling.

"Yeah, I know." I say, not at all disturbed that he was here. Hey, he wasn't hurting anything... now. "So why are you here? I thought you were off being unnecessarily mysterious." I ask.

"Well, I figured I could stop by, see how my favorite evil overlord-to-be is doing." Kragda-Maul asks.

"Tired. I have a full schedule tomorrow, and have to hand-pick people to join me. Then, I have to get the devils to rebuild the town in my image." I say, yawning. Kragda-Maul seems ponderous for a moment, then shrugs.

"Well, I'm sorry to say that I can't just whip you up a brand new village. I can, however tell you this: I'd keep an eye on Kherrie if I were you. I know firsthand that she's more harm and pranks than help." Kragda-Maul says, and he turns to walk away.

"Wait, what is it with you and Kherrie? Is it that thing she said about killing your brother?" I ask, confused. Kragda-Maul then stops, as if I struck a nerve, and sighs, turning around. And, for once, his usual grin is gone, replaced by a disappointed frown.

"My brother? I couldn't have cared less about that oaf. In fact, the only reason I let her live as long as she has is because she got rid of that idiot. I despise her, though, because she is a failure among old gods. The world may still respect her, but none of us do anymore, ever since that flop with Celestia. She had every opportunity to destroy her, except for one liiiittle detail..." Kragda-Maul inhales, his frown deepening, then continued:

"She's a simpleton, Malideus. Her brain was too young, and was unprepared for godhood, so she abused it! Because of her arrogance, none of us helped her, though we had every opportunity and reason to do so. If you want MY advice, Malideus, you'd be wise to dispose of her, curse or no curse. Nothing good can come from her, or anything she does. But as I said, the choice is yours, and your fate has yet to be written. But just remember who you are allying yourself with, and the consequences you subject yourself to." Kragda-Maul explains, glaring past me, as if at Kherrie, who was still in the cave.

"Wait, if you hate Kherrie so much, why are you letting me keep her around?" I ask, confused.

"Because, though she infuriates us, me the most, the choice is ultimately yours, and it is not my place to force my will on anyone, especially not you. You, believe it or not, are more interesting than you think, and are not bound by the threads of fate here, unlike the rest of these petty mortals I must put up with. That is why I'm helping you: You amuse me, and may just continue to amuse me forever. But again, it is this same reason why you must be careful who you call your friend: you are unique, and many powers will seek to use or destroy you, and some allies will be less helpful than others." Kragda-Maul explains.

"So, wait, if everyone's out for me, then why are you, the old god of chaos and irony, warning me, instead of using me yourself? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of my being here or something?" I ask the demon, who smiles once more, shaking his head.

"Like you said, I exist only to create irony and chaos. If I controlled you, it would defeat the purpose of my very being. Besides, what fun is it to have all the right cards at all the right times? Even my allies will suffer ups and downs for my amusement, and you are no different. Now, I've wasted a lot of time explaining this to you already, and you need your sleep for tomorrow. But remember, Kherrie is not to be relied on, nor is her canine lackey. Remember this, Malideus, because it's the only true advice I'll ever give you. Goodbye, Malideus. I wish you luck, for what it's worth." Kragda-Maul says, then the inky demon vanishes, leaving no trace of his existence behind.

"Ugh, choices, choices..." I mutter, not liking the prospect of disposing of Kherrie. However, if she truly was outcast for her arrogance and failure, then what chance does she have here?

"Maybe she seeks to reclaim the respect of the other old gods by joining you?" My inner voice reasons.

"Maybe..." I think aloud, too tired to keep it in my head. Finally, I enter the cave, and see everyone asleep, except Crush and Hezafen, who just wave at me. So, I wave back, move Kherrie off the bed, and fall asleep. And, once again, I have the demon nightmare, with the fight, then the abyss, then the monster. For the life of me, I still don't know what it means.

I awake that morning with a start, for Kherrie has now decided to jump up and down on top of me, demanding breakfast.

"Mal! Mal! Mal! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" Kherrie chants, jumping up and down on my chest. Finally, I grab her, and hold her to my face, indescribable rage boiling within me.

"What!?" I yell at the annoying pixie.

"... Breakfast?" Kherrie asks, activating her puppy eyes. God, I hate puppy eyes; I always fall for them.

"Ehngh... Fine." I say. Well, I won't go into breakfast, because that'd be filler, and no one likes filler. However, I will say that since the bacon incident during breakfast (Which was terrifying, by the way, be glad I'm not explaining it), I just now realized Kherrie's meat obsession. It's as if it's all she eats, all she wants. And what's worse, it seems to make her stronger. That's right, she gets her power from bacon. What the heck is up with that, and why don't I have it?! Ugh, anyway, moving on... after our great big morning, I prepare for the worst, and indeed, the worst comes.

That morning:

I sit in my cave, at a large, wooden desk we stole, almost half asleep in my comfy leather recliner, when I hear a good many footsteps march up the cave, and I see a small party enter Mizzy's cave. They're too varied to belong to the ponies; A changeling (another one?!), a rather large demon with a cauldron on his back, a smaller bat-pony with a sniper rifle across her back (Where the hell did she get that?), a tiny, pink filly with a giant, evil-looking sword, and two anthropomorphic dogs, one male, and one female. Again, way too varied to be enemies, but why not? but I've been wrong before, so I address them:

"Can I help you lot?" I ask grumpily. Then, the leader, a short, corgi-like diamond dog in a nice white suit, reading glasses and a bitchin' white mustache responds:

"Yes, me and these fine fellows have hiked here nonstop for a day and a night, and we seek audience with Malideus, who I'm assuming is you?" The diamond dog asks in a noticeable southern accent.

"Yes, I am Malideus. I assume you are here for the interview, so no need to be formal, just sit anywhere and I'll address you for your interview." I say, and everyone finds a place to sit, despite Mizzy's protests. I'll tell you, I've never actually seen a diamond dog before, though Mizzy told me abut them once, and I'll tell you, they're weird. It's like a regular dog, but upright. I know it doesn't SOUND odd, but I doubt you've ever seen one. Anyway, there's only two diamond dogs, the corgi, and... what looks like a fox. she's small, but she's wearing next to nothing in this cold weather. Feeling the need to know what the hell she is, and why she's wearing such skimpy attire (Literally, skin-tight shorts and a vest.), I call her up first.

"Okay, You there, fox-faced prostitute, you're up." I call nonchalantly. The fox says nothing, and grumbles something as she goes up to me.

"Yes?" is what the fox says.

"Alright, you're up first. First off, what's your name?" I ask.

"Kitsune." she replies simply, and I groan in annoyance.

"Of course it is, what else would it be? Anyway, Have you had any recent employers, or do you have any experience?" I ask.

"No, sir. Just blew in, decided to see what this was all about." Kitsune says, twitching her ears.

"Then why should I consider hiring you?" I ask. "You may be adorable, but it takes more than looks to get into MY army." I say, and Kitsune begins to look nervous for a second, but quickly regains her composure, and responds.

"Yes, well, my breed has great hearing, so I could be a great watchdog, and I have good combat skills." Kitsune says, shifting slightly. I, however, am not convinced. This little thing thinks she can fight? I highly doubt that. However, this provides an interesting opportunity to test the combat skills of TWO new members, as well as give me much amusement. Multitasking for the win!

"Alright, you think you can fight? Let's test that." I say, getting up. In turn, Kitsune gets up, looking nervous.

"To the mat, fox." I say, and everyone backs up as I say that. Clearly, they all know when a beat-down's going to happen. Finally, we get on 'the mat', which is really that bunch of mattresses we used to test my MMA on, and never bothered to put away. Kitsune gets into a stance, and I get onto the mat, causing murmuring in the peanut gallery.

"So, who am I fighting?" Kitsune asks.

"Your opponent... is Crush." I say.

"What? Who's Crush?" Kitsune asks, tilting her head in curiosity.

"You'll see. Crush, get up here!" I shout to the undead minotaur, who groans as he looks up.

"What?! I hate minotaurs!" Kitsune shouts angrily.

"Then you won't have a problem fighting him. Now, Crush will try to kill you, and you have to knock him down, or at least last thirty seconds. Do this, and I'll let you in." I say. Finally, Crush gets onto the mat, cracking his knuckles, and Kitsune growls threateningly.

"What, I have to fight this runt?" Crush asks.

"Yep. Hop to it now, I have others to interview." I say, and Kitsune growls, then lunges at the minotaur, who dodges, then swings his battle axe across the field, hoping to catch the diamond dog. Kitsune ducks, though, and then crawls under his legs, and starts climbing up his back. Unable to remove her, Crush flops onto his back, and I hear a sharp yelp, and silence.

"Welp, guess that's that..." I say, shrugging, much to the horror of everyone in the room. However, as I turn around, I hear a loud snap, and a clang of armor on stone, as well as Crush roaring. I then look back to see Kitsune, staring in horror as Crush lies there, headless. Yes, Kitsune had removed it somehow, and now he was getting up, and frantically searching for it.

"Dammit! Fucking straps!" Crush yells as everyone stares in horror. I, however, just laugh at the display. Finally, crush finds his head, and reattaches it.

"Take five, Crush. Kitsune, congratulations! You manged to scare the shit out of everyone, and win! You got the job." I say, but Kitsune doesn't respond, just stares in horror at the undead minotaur.

"H-his head..." She mutters.

"Yeah, he's undead." I say, shrugging.

"You could have told me that!" She cries, shuddering.

"Yeah, it must've slipped my mind. Anyway, you're hired, go sit down." I say, and Kitsune obliges, sitting as far away from Crush as she can. Then, I call my next victim... er, applicant.

"Alright, you, bat pony! Get the fuck over here!" I say, and she obliges.

"Hey, man! Love your digs, but, *ahem*, you're not going to make me fight an undead minotaur too, are you?" the grey bat pony asks.

"Not unless you piss me off. Now, Name?" I ask.

"Xenia." The bat pony says. Now, let's get a read on this one: Scantily clad, purple mane with a pink streak, and lust, seduction, and psychosis dripping from her like she just took a shower with it... yeah, she's either an assassin, or a prostitute with a big gun. Then again, is there a difference? Now that I know what she is, I begin my interview, just to hear it from her:

"I see. Any recent employers, or experience?" I ask, tapping on my desk.

"Depends on what kind of employment we're talkin', sweetie." Xenia says, winking at me, and I facepalm.

"God, not another one..." I mutter. Finally, I remove my hand from my face, and continue: "Have you ever killed someone intentionally?" I ask, losing faith in this batch.

"Hell yeah, cutie. I've killed so many people, I'm surprised that the world is still as populated as it is." Xenia says, and I begin to regain my faith.

"Thank Lord Bolas for that." I say. "Now, what are your skills?" I ask.

"Killing, torturing, sex, the works." Xenia says.

"Good. Now, why are you considering this career choice?" I inquire.

"Just heard about you, and decided it'd be fun. Besides, I've always liked them cold and murderous..." Xenia says, but I just nod, not even acknowledging her statement.

"Alright, that clears that up. But one more thing remains: Should I accept you into this line of work, do you see yourself attempting to usurp me in the future?" I ask.

"Nah, I'm not into your job. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing?" Xenia asks, batting (pardon the pun) her odd, cat-like eyes at me, (which are two different colors, by the way: One light pink, one light blue. Talk about freaky...) and I finally have had enough of her playing around.

"Alright, cut the flirtatious shit, we both know you're a lesbian." I say, and Xenia looks surprised.

"How did you..?"

"I can feel your lust for my female minions dripping from you... well, parts of you. Anyway, no need to hide it. You have the right skills needed, and you don't piss me off as much as your kind should, so..."

"Wait, what do you mean 'my kind'? You being racist?" Xenia interrupts, and I just stare at her coldly.

"No, that was entirely sexual." I retort sarcastically. Hey, I did say I was a lot of unpleasant things, and unfortunately, a racist happens to be one of them, to an extent. I have no qualms with blacks or Asians, mind you, just non-human races.

"Now, if you're done making me uncomfortable, I've decided to, by some grace of god, hire you. Now go sit down, before I hit you." I say, and Xenia obeys, purring at me, causing me to shudder.

"Stop that! You're a lesbian, for god's sake!" I yell.

"It's only a preference." She retorts sultrily, and I feel my blood pressure spike.

"Alright, Changeling, you're up." I say grumpily, and the changeling walks up nervously, and quickly sits down, without a word. Good god, she reminds me of Whip.

"Name." I say simply, then facepalm. Changelings don't have names! "Aaargh, forget that part." I say.

"Um... are you okay..?" The changeling asks.

"I'm fine. Skip the name, why are you here?" I ask.

"I deserted, sir. I ran from Chrysalis many years ago, in order to escape being placed into one of her suicide squads. I heard you, eh, beat her, and I want to help you destroy her once and for all." the changeling says. Suddenly, though, Whip interrupts our interview:

"Sir, we have a child in here. Do we get rid of her?" Whip asks. I then look over, and see the pink-furred filly sitting in a corner.

"Eh, ignore her, I'll deal with her later." I say, and I waive her off, and return to the unnamed changeling, who seems awestruck as she stares at Whip.

"Hey, bug, I'm talking here!" I say, snapping my fingers. She then snaps to attention, looking embarrassed.

"Oh... sorry." She says. "It's just... who was that?" the changeling asks, looking back to Whip, who was playing with Kherrie by throwing her up into the air and catching her, much to the old god's enjoyment.

"That's Whip, my assistant... Why?" I ask accusingly, causing the changeling before me to blush.

"Oh, no reason, no reason at all, I was just curious!" she says, but I don't believe her.

"I'll bet." I say sarcastically, returning to the interview. "Now, skills. What are you good at?" I ask.

"Well... I am a great ranged weapon specialist, and I do alchemy, and I, of course, shapeshift." She says.

"Obviously. Still, alchemy and sniping sound good... Alright, skills done, tell me about yourself." I say, feeling torturous. What? One as shy and malleable as this simply HAS to be bullied somehow! It'd be wrong not to.

"Oh... uh... well... I deserted five years ago, and ran all my life afterward, so I have many valuable survival skills... But, see, I kinda have a, uh... sensitivity problem, so... I don't like to be touched." She says, and I try my hardest to refrain from laughing as an idea enters my head.

"I see. So, you'd not like it if I did... this?" I say, flicking her on the forehead. She then yelps, and falls backwards in her chair, screaming on the way down, to which I laugh like a maniac. However, I failed to acknowledge that Mizzy was right behind me, and she didn't find my antics amusing in the least.

"That wasn't funny!" Mizzy says, hitting the back of my head.

"Ow! Fine, I'll stop!" I say, fuming. Finally, the changeling gets up, tears in her eyes.

"What was that for?" she asks.

"My amusement, mostly. Well, I can't send someone as helpless as you back out there, so I'll give you the job. But you have to stop being such a baby!" I say, and the changeling nods, still teary-eyed. God, she's pitiful... yet so malleable.

"Yes, yes sir." She says, terrified of me.

"Good. As for your new name, you are now Ribbon. Now go sit down, before I change it to Mud." I say, and Ribbon quickly goes off to sit down, all the while staring at Whip. God, she's such a lesbian. Why am I just getting lesbians!?

"Next!" I yell, and the pink filly walks up, and sits in the chair in front of the desk with some difficulty.

"Ugh... Alright, kid, I don't know how you got here, but need I remind you that this is a grown-up job? Go back and play with your dolls, or something." I say, and the filly glares at me, and replies:

"Foolish mortal! I am Gorgoron Soul-slicer! Though my body is currently not very terrifying, I will have you know that I am a demon of renown through many planes and universes!" The filly says in a deep, demonic voice, causing me to reel back in shock.

"The fuck?! What's with your voice?" I ask.

"This is my true voice, mortal! I have entered this world to destroy it, but it has trapped me in this petty girl body, just like last time! It is demeaning! Now, shall we proceed with this 'interview', or will you continue your blithering?" Gorgoron asks.

"Uhhh... This is weird." I say, but I continue. "Alright, Why are you here?" I ask.

"Gorgoron is here for one thing: The destruction of this pitiful world for trapping me in this little body! You are the greatest immediate threat here, and shall help me!" Gorgoron says, and I quickly grow tired of... eh... is it a boy or a girl? I'll call it an it.

"Alright, I'll bite, kid. But I need your parents' signature." I jokingly say, causing Gorgoron to turn red.

"I refuse to be belittled by you, wizard!" Gorgoron says, getting furious.

"You're already little, shrimp. Jokes aside, I don't see how you can be of any use to me." I say.

"Why not?" Gorgoron asks.

"You will be fighting ponies that are far larger than you, and most importantly, you will be fighting alongside me. You will see things no one should see: Soldiers ripped apart, blown to shreds by fireballs, or torn in half by devils and the undead! there will be screams that will haunt you forever, and sights of gore and carnage that will make you want to tear out your own eyeballs and throw them among the bloody entrails of my enemies. And, you will see those you called allies ripped in half and their guts devoured by my more carnivorous minions when they fail or defy me. You are also way too short to be of use to me, and will likely get killed or damaged yourself, forever crippled by the horrors of war." I say, and I see Gorgoron turn sickly pale as I say this.

"Now, you still want to join?" I ask.

"... I just remembered, I, um, I have... an upset stomach. I will, er, may, return in a few thousand years or so to answer that." Gorgoron says before running out the cave mouth. Jeez, what a baby. Oh well, on to the next one.

"Alright, how about someone who won't run away?" I call, and The giant, reptilian Demon, the last one for now, walks up, and sits, though he barely fits in the chair. He's freakin' eight feet tall, for god's sake!

"Name?" I ask disinterestedly.

"Rematozssss." The demon hisses, his voice thick and raspy, like a snake who smokes.

"Badass. Now, what are your skills?" I ask the demon. Ramatozs then reaches in his cauldron, and pulls out a classic round, black bomb with a fuse.

"I indulge in pyrotechnicsssss, and enjoy the finer pointsss of massss dessstruction." Ramatozs says, and I nod happily.

"Well, you got that going for you... so, if I should hire you, what are your plans for the future?" I ask.

"I jussst want to blow thingsss up, and hopefully make a living ssselling my various patented bombsss. I am alssso a bit of an inventor, you ssssee..." the demon says, and I shake his hand, approving of this new addition.

"You got it, then. Alright, go sit with the others, and I'll give you all your briefing later. Next!" I say, and the corgi-like diamond dog walks up, sporting his mustache, of which I am incredibly jealous.

"Took you long enough." The short diamond dog says. I do mean short, by the way; he only comes up to my chest.

"Sure did, you brought a hell of a crowd." I say jokingly. "Now, May I ask your name?" I ask.

"They call me Colonel Corgi, though it's just a silly nickname: I'm not actually a colonel. I am, however, a successful restaurant owner... or I was." Colonel Corgi says, and I sigh.

"And your here for a reason to do with that?" I ask.

"Yes, quite astute." Colonel Corgi says, twirling his mustache.

"Okay, so why should I hire you?" I ask.

"Because, you and I want the same thing. I want the destruction of the ponies for shutting me down, and you want to destroy them because, eh, well, I don't know, but you get the point." Colonel Corgi says. I agree, he seems like someone I could use, if he was truly so influential, but one thing eluded me:

"Well, what restaurant chain did you own?" I ask.

"CFP: Corgi Fried Pegasus." He says. Well, that explains that.

"You fried pegsi? Isn't that wrong?" I ask.

"Only if you make it wrong. In the end, meat is meat." Colonel Corgi says, accompanied by several "here here"'s by our more psychotic members, most prominently, Kherrie.

"Well, I've always wondered what to do with the bodies I leave in my wake. You've got yourself a deal, Colonel." I say, sealing the deal with a handshake. And so, throughout the whole day, many interesting characters showed up, but I couldn't hire them. They were all either too ambitious, or too weird. Finally, at the end of the day, everyone went to sleep, having found their own beds, but I did not sleep. I now had a few more members to my expanding army, and I felt I was about to obtain more. But first, I needed to land a blow big enough to draw the princesses out one more time, to land one more hit on them. But where to strike? Before I could think of somewhere, I walked out, onto the ledge before the cave mouth, pondering, When Whip walks up to me.

"Hello, sir. Are you feeling okay?" Whip asks.

"Eh? I'm fine." I say, not really paying attention.

"You don't seem okay." Whip notes.

"Want do you want, Whip?" I ask, sure that she wants something. However, she just smiles sadly, and replies:

"Nothing, sir. I just want to know why you've been so boring lately." Whip says, and I snap out of my funk, and turn to her.

"Did you just call me boring?!" I ask, infuriated by this insubordination.

"I did, sir. You haven't hit, invaded, or fought anyone in moths, and it's boring." Whip says, and I want to blow up in her face, but I can't. Maybe she's right? Being stuck has made me boring. God, I'm slowly becoming a politician... I need out, and fast.

"What do you want from me, Whip? I'm doing the best I can here; It's not easy when I have to stay here and manage everything! I have to stay in here, when I could be going out there and destroying shit! But no, I have to stay and make sure the devils are rebuilding the town right, or keeping Mizzy company." I complain, but Whip keeps smiling.

"Then vent, sir! I have the perfect idea: you just go destroy a city, maim a pretty town or two, and we'll manage everything from here while you're gone." Whip says, smiling.

"Hmm. You might be right, Whip. I need to vent. First thing tomorrow, I'm heading out to stomp a town from existence. With any luck, It'll sate me." I say, hoping that none of my current enemies show up to raise my stress level.

"You know, that's a good idea, sir. But, I have one question." Whip says, scooting closer to me.

"What?" I ask, unsure of what she's doing. Whatever it is, I'm getting warning bells.

"Why focus your anger on the ponies? This world was your target, last I checked. So why stress yourself over one small, measly, teeny-tiny enemy?" Whip says.

"I... I don't know. I just want them gone. If I can do that, I'll be happy." I say, not really sure of myself despite my words.

"You know what else will make you happy, sir?" Whip asks.

"What?" I ask.

"Some sleep." Whip says jokingly, and I sigh, knowing she's right.

"I can't sleep." I say.

"Do you need help, sir?" Whip asks, getting closer.

" Maybe, but how can you help me sleep?" I ask disinterestedly. Suddenly, Whip grips my pauldrons, removing them, and she then grabs my shoulders, and starts to rub them expertly. Dear god, I should have known she could give a massage, but not this good. I could feel my common sense slipping away already!... That might not be a good thing.

"You're too tense, sir. That's bad for your big, evil mind, you know. Let me relieve you of all that pent-up anger and boredom, sir..." Whip says softly as she gets my shoulders.

"... It feels nice, Whip, but this alone won't get rid of all of my stress." I say. Weeks of anger can't just vanish with a shoulder rub, otherwise I'd have done it sooner... trust me.

"Then we need to go deeper." Whip says, as she lifts the back of my robe. Suddenly, red lights go off in my head, and I jump, reaching back to grab my robe.

"Hey, don't do that! Put it down!" I demand, but Whip does not obey.

"Relax, sir, I'm not going to remove it, I just need the back lifted so there's no interference." Whip says as she starts massaging my back. God, I hate to admit it, but it was almost better than sex... almost.

"So, sir... how are you feeling?" Whip asks as she rubs and presses my upper back.

"Better..." I say tiredly. I feel my mind slipping into unconsciousness already, and I don't have the strength to move, so I just sit there, enjoying the wonderful feeling of relaxation, as Whip continues to press further.

"Good. Do you want me to go farther, sir?" Whip asks, moving her hands lower.

"Yeah, okay..." I reply, my brain practically dead. I don't know what I'm thinking, or what she's doing anymore, but it feels nice, so I let her continue. I mean, come on, what's the worst that could happen? I can hold off an army and a goddess, no, THREE godesses, so I think I can keep a single changeling from molesting me.

"Excellent..." Whip whispers loudly, and she pulls off my robe, pressing her hands to my torso, and working across it, pecs, abs and all.

"You have excellent muscles, sir..." Whip says sultrily, resting her head on my shoulder as she continues her massage, which is starting to feel less like a massage. "And such soft, smooth skin, too... I'm envious..." Whip says, going lower, to my abdominal area and lower back.

"I work out... but why are you jealous? You have armor." I say.

"I never wanted armor, it just detracts from feeling. I want to feel everything, sir; The sharp stabbing pain of the whip, or the gentle caress of water running on me... that's why I hate being a changeling. I can change my form all I want into any creature I desire, but that armor will always be there, blocking every small sensation. But that's why I love being your servant: you make me feel. You hit, and you scratch, and you burn... and it makes me so... happy, to think of what you'll do next, what way you'll make me feel next." Whip says, and my tired brain barely registers it as uncomfortable, skipping straight to 'compliment'.

"Oh..." I say, unable to think of a response. God damn, I'm suddenly tired.

"Yes. You wear no armor, though, and feel everything that presses against your soft flesh, every push, rub, and scratch, you feel it... and I want that. Shall I go farther, sir?" Whip asks, and I nod tiredly, unaware of her intentions. Then, Whip starts to rub my upper legs, pressing and rubbing them in that magic way she uses to loosen the muscles, and I yawn, practically unconscious. I haven't felt this relaxed in... well, ever. It was always something back home, be it classes, or my job, or family, and I never got to truly relax, even in my sleep. But now, I felt so loose, so relaxed, I felt like I could sleep forever. As Whip massages, she continues her talk:

"You have such a magnificent structure, sir... so masculine, yet so artful, like a sculpture. If only I could see your face, to complete it... but I won't. I respect your privacy, and will protect it... and everything else you hold dear." Whip says. Then, she moves closer, pressing her chest to my back as she rubs my waist.

"Now... how much more relaxed do you want to be, sir? I can get rid of every ounce of it, just rub it out of you, or absorb it into myself. I'll make you feel like a cloud, all your worries and stress, squeezed out of you like an orange. Do you want that?" Whip asks, but my brain starts to register a threat, and I shift away, slightly uncomfortable with the offer.

"No, what if someone finds out, like Mizzy, or Luna, or someone else who can use it against me..?" I yawn.

"No one has to know, sir. Luna is in elsewhere, not even bothering with you, and Mizzy is asleep. You are completely safe from everything, and everyone. Besides, it's just a massage, there's nothing sexual! It's just simple stress relief, nothing more." Whip reasons, holding my shoulders, and I yawn again, my common sense officially gone with the rest of my mind.

"Yeah... just a massage... I could use it... and the sleep." I say. Then, Whip goes in front of me, and lowers herself on top of my groin, removing my underwear as she does. Now, my red alerts should be blaring, but my mind is out of it, and I'm too tired to care. Besides, it's too late at night, who's gonna know? I might as well enjoy it. Suddenly, Whip begins to shift forward and back, sending waves of... a certain feeling... through me.

"Sir... make me feel all of your stress... every ounce, every heartbeat, let it all out of you... and put it in me." Whip says, her giant, blue eyes half-closed, and staring at mine with an intensity that should scare me, but doesn't. In fact, it kinda turns me on for some reason.

"... This is so fucking weird..." I say, completely out of it.

"Shhh... no words, master, just domination." Whip says, and she falls onto her back, pulling me on top of her. "So, dominate me, master... finish the process..." Whip says between heavy breaths, giving me the most ready look I've ever seen from her. "...Make me your bitch, Malideus." She finally says, and I oblige. And then, in that moment, all my stress, anger, and unease melted away, and I passed out, all my stress gone. Damn, what a massage...

And so, the night went on, but somewhere, out in the distance, the sun goddess plotted her vengeance, her eyes set on the murderous Malideus, and she plotted it well. Come tomorrow, the wizard would face his greatest challenge... and this time, he may not escape her alive... or even at all.

Author's Notes:

Alright, it took a while, and it contains sex, big surprise. But more funny is coming, because an out-and-about Malideus as a happy, funny Malideus! Question is, where should he attack? If you have an idea, let me know!

Alright, again, OC's are not mine, but I'm not gonna list the owners; you know who you are. For those disappointed by the absence of your OC, worry not, there'll be one more introduction chapter after this one, and we'll finally see who gets screen time, and who gets to take the piss. Until next time, you bloody, animal-loving heathens!