The orb of over 40,000 souls makes a horrible wail as Mizzy taps it, disturbing the spirits within, and she and the others just sit there, enthralled.

"And you say you got this all from my uncle? Why didn't you tell me you could play poker?" Mizzy asks.

"Never came up." I say simply, looking through Hermaeus Mora's book. As I look, I find all kinds of really cool and easy spells, and the book just never seems to end, no matter how fast I flip through it. Weird, but that's what you get when you play poker with gods, I guess. Still, I find several easy summoning spells, transformation spells, even a weird-but-hilarious spell that swaps the positions of a victim's head and butt, which I am definitely going to try on the next pony I see.

"Well, I think that this is pretty incredible. Nobody has beaten my uncle in centuries, and certainly none as, well, new to it as you." Mizzy says, but I'm not insulted, in fact, I barely care.

"Well, it wasn't easy, if that's any consolation." I say.

"So, what do you intend to do with your loot? A book of infinite magical knowledge, a chest full of the souls of legendary heroes, an eldritch alchemy set, and the rights of ownership to a chaos god's cereal, I can see a lot of fun you can do." Mizzy says, and I suddenly get a brilliant, trollish idea. However, before I can act on them, Mizzy burps up some fire, and a letter appears in the flames, which she reads. Jeez, dragons here are weird. Like, for instance, some, like Mizzy, have boobs, but no nipples. What the hell is the point of that?! And what is up with the wolves here? They're made of wood! In fact, this whole planet would give Charles Darwin an aneurysm! Ugh, and why am I just now noticing this? Anyway, epiphany aside, Mizzy reads the letter, then hands it to me.

"It's for you." She says, and I read the letter aloud:

"Dear Master Malideus,

I, High King Archimedes of the griffon kingdom, request an audience with his esteemed maliciousness, in hopes of striking a deal of peace and prosperity between us. Should you accept, please send word of your arrival, so that refreshments may be in order.

with great respect, High King Archimedes." I read, nodding in approval. Ah, my first "please don't kill us" letter, I feel so fulfilled.

"Wow, Mal, first my uncle, now this? Talk about moving up." Mizzy says, and Whip giggles, jumping for joy.

"Our first real allies! Yay!" Whip cheers, and I feel happy for her.

"Alright, I'll pay them a little visit. But I have to make an impression! Whip, start writing. Mizzy, you can send a letter back, right?" I ask.

"I received one, didn't I? Yeah, I can send one back." Mizzy says.

"Alright, Whip, write this down:

Dear King Archimedes:

I accept your offer of peace, and will arrive tomorrow to discuss peace terms with you. I hope we can reach something that proves beneficial for both of us.

Sincerely, Malideus." I say, and Whip finishes writing the note... in her own blood?

"Whip, why the fuck did you write this with your blood?" I ask, looking at the pale, green liquid composing the words.

"We didn't have ink, sir. Plus, you said you wanted to make an impression, and what better way to say 'bloodthirsty overlord of death and chaos' than with letters written in blood?" Whip says, and I have to say, that's pretty genius.

"Alright, that's smart. Alright, Mizzy, send it." I say, and Mizzy takes the letter, and it vanishes in a burst of green fire, concluding that bit of business.

"Okay, that's done, but what how do we make sure Celestia doesn't mess up our base while you're gone?" Whip asks.

"Well, I took down the smartest guys in the multiverse, so I think I can think of something." I say, looking towards Canterlot.

"I just need leverage to assure that she doesn't come snooping as usual, you see..? Ah! I got it!" I say, looking at my new book, The Oghma Infinium, and flipping through it.

"Ah, here it is... Shadow teleport. As long as I'm in a shaded area, I can go or send anyone anywhere I can envision with sufficient detail." I say, summarizing the page.

"Yeah, that's great and all, but what is leverage going to do to help us?" Mizzy asks.

"Well, in all my experience with convoluted villain plans, They always fail, but they take the heroes days to foil. What I'm going to do is I'm going to kidnap Luna, and force Celestia to get her back." I say.

"Mal, that's the stupidest plan I've ever heard. One, Luna's a goddess. Two, Celestia can teleport." Mizzy says.

"Yeah, but that's why I'm going to construct six... yeah, this isn't going to work. Screw it, I'm just going to do what I should have done when I first got an army and end it right..." I try to complete my speech, when six familiar figures run into my lair, all panting like they ran, and interrupt me.

"Malideus... *pant*... we need... *wheeze*... We need your help!" One says, Twilight Sparkle, the one I... wait, what the fuck are they doing in my lair?!?! Where the fuck were the devils!?!?

"What the fuck?! Twilight?! What are you and your friends doing, walking into my, er, our, lair like you own the place?! How the fuck did you get past the devils!?" I ask, panicking, as no one does a fucking thing to apprehend them.

"Malideus, wait, we just came for your help, no harm! After your last attack on our city, The changelings invaded, and have us in a stranglehold! We need your help, fast! Celestia can't hold them off!" Twilight says, tears in her eyes.

"And why the hell should I help you?" I ask, still not sure why the devils didn't kill them.

"Because, we offer our surrender if you help us, by decree of Celestia herself! Please, Malideus, they have a demon!" Twilight says, grabbing my attention. Demons could be turned, and if I had my own demon...

"Alright, I'll help." I say, and Mizzy and Whip look at me like I'm on drugs.

"WHAAAAAAAAT?!" They cry in unison.

"Mal, they're your sworn enemies! You can't help them, smite them or something and be done with it!" Mizzy says.

"Yeah, sir, and I don't like this turn of events! I smell a twist, and not a good one! I think we shouldn't get involved." Whip says in turn. I actually contemplate this, because I don't like it either, but they offered to surrender, which means I can do whatever I want to their kind.

"Sorry, guys, Celestia DID offer to surrender, and besides, I need to take down their demon, in case it comes for me next. I'm going." I say finally, and Mizzy shrugs.

"Alright, but I'm..." She says, but I cut her off.

"YOU are not doing anything. I never risk my followers for anything they aren't guaranteed to win, and I don't intend to lose either of you today." I say.

"Aww, Mal, that's sweet." Mizzy says, blushing.

"Yes that's nice and all, but can we get going? We're kinda dying out there!" Rainbow Dash says, tugging my arm.

"You don't have the right to touch me, scum! You're lucky I'm helping you at all, and I mean REALLY FUCKING lucky!" I say, pulling my robes away from her.

"Now let's get to the castle, before someone thinks I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart." I say, and so we walk, out of the cave, through the Everfree, and we get through Ponyville when those fetid ponies try to make conversation with me.

"Mal, you know we could get there faster if you just let us carry you." Twilight says, noting my slow walk, which, by the way, is purely intentional.

"I don't want your help! Besides, the later I get there, the more the city gets destroyed." I say.

"Which is what we're trying to avoid, numbskull!" Rainbow Dash exclaims.

"Which is what YOU'RE trying to avoid." I correct.

"Twilight, can't we just knock 'im out and carry 'im ta Canterlot?" Applejack asks.

"You seem to forget that I'm right behind you, hillbilly. if any of you even try to speed me from my perfectly-fine troll-stroll, I'll kill you and go home." I say, and that shuts up Applejack pretty fast.

"Malideus, please, were really scraping the barrel here by asking for your help. Could you just TRY to be a little more reasonable?" Twilight asks.

"No! My wizard feet demand ground to walk upon, and frankly, your kind disgusts me. So, no, I will not be touched, carried, or even looked at for prolonged periods of time by you disgusting aberrations of nature!" I say, hitting Twilight on the head with my staff.

"Ow, fine! Jeez, why are you such a jerk?" Twilight asks.

"Why are you asking for MY help? Can't you six just turn the demon to stone, or teach it friendship or something?" I ask, genuinly angered and confused.

"The elements can't help us with this one! They've brought the legendary Kragda-Maul, the Thing that should not be!" Twilight says as we walk along the tracks.

"Yeah? If he's so 'legendary', then why have I never heard about him?" I ask, doubting their integrity. I'm starting to think this is all a trick.

"What?! That's impossible! Everyone at least KNOWS about the Thing that should not be! He's what mothers tell their children to make them go to bed and stuff! How do you not know about him?" Pinkie Pie asks.

"Well, did you ever consider I may not be from here?" I ask.

"What, like, from Equestria? Kragda-Maul is a legend everywhere in the world, and goes by that same name by everyone! To not at least hear about him would make you... like..." Twilight trails off.

"An alien!" Pinkie Pie finishes.

"No, Pinkie, he's not an alien, hes just a jerk. That doesn't make him an alien... Does it?" Twilight ponders, and I laugh, deciding that this ruse has played out long enough.

"She's not wrong. I'm not just not from Equestria, I'm not from this universe." I say, and the six gasp in shock, even Pinkie Pie, who knows this already.

"What? That's absurd! I mean, I've heard of some pegusi and earth ponies being able to use unicorn magic, but, interdemensional visitors? That's not possible!" Twilight says, and I just laugh.

"How Naive. Didn't I already explain this to you, Twilight?" I ask, and Twilight is struck with a look of confusion, which strikes me as odd. I can see Pinkie Pie forgetting things in a 73-hour period, but Twilight always struck me as the kind that would have a great memory. Still, I did beat them up pretty bad in the past, I probably knocked it out of their heads at some point.

"Anyway, I am no pony, nor am I anything else from this world. I... am human." I say, and the others gasp again, then begin to murmur among themselves.

"Malideus... What exactly IS a human?" Twilight asks.

"A miserable pile of secrets. But if you want the literal definition, a human is a species of primate of the family Homo Sapiens, which, in turn, are the products of millions of years of evolutionary perfection. In short, I am the perfect example of a human." I say.

"So you're all jerks?" Rainbow Dash asks, and I laugh.

"Yes, yes we are. Some of us, though, have learned of your teachings of love and tolerance, and are trying to convert my world to your way of thinking. These humans are ostracized and ridiculed often, and are currently being weeded out." I say, shocking the six ponies.

"What?! That's horrible! Why would you do such a thing to your own kind, especially when their ideas are right?" Twilight asks.

"Because we don't like those ideas. Well, I don't anyway. That is why I'm here: To rid my world of your corruption, and show you fetid little prey animals that sunshine and sparkles will not make everything better. In fact, as soon as we're done here, I'm going to end you six where you stand." I say, causing the Mane Six to shudder.

"We'll see about that, Malideus! You probably won't even make it past the demon!" Applejack says.

"I think I will." I say. Then, Twilight tries conversation again, which annoys me, but what the hell?

"So, what does a human look like? Can you take off your helmet and show us?" Twilight asks, and I laugh.

"Ha ha ha ha, no." I say, shooting her down.

"Why not?" Twilight asks.

"You're treading in dangerous territory, pest. Back off, or else." I say, and Twilight shuts up. The remainder of the trip is spent in silence as we walk the many miles to the castle. Once we get there, The six seem to despair as the castle and city lie in ruins, while I'm only upset that the changelings beat me to it.

"Eugh, it's like a zerg hive..." I mutter as I step over some black gunk on the ground that connects to a pod of sorts.

"So, do I pop that, or what?" I ask, pointing my staff it the strange pod.

"No!" Cries Twilight as she grabs my staff. "Your magic is too dangerous! If you blow it up, or freeze it, the pony inside could die!" Twilight says, and I yank my staff from her.

"Just let me try, dammit!" I say, but now everyone's stopping me.

"Your magic will kill them! Just let it be, we'll free them later, after you help Celestia!" Twilight says, and I sigh.

"Fine. I'd better get to blow up some changelings, though." I say, and we walk on, into the castle.

"So, where's the demon?" I ask, and I'm rewarded with a horrible roar, as a section of wall flies inward, revealing... well, I don't rightly know what it is. It looks like a human, but eight feet tall, easily, and pitch black. In fact, I could go stereotypical and say it looked like it was made of shadows or whatever, but it honestly didn't, it just looked like a bald, naked Hulk Hogan that got pitch dumped on him. Yeah, he was even dripping the black stuff. Plus, he had four giant, jagged spikes on its back, and red eyes that reminded me of monobear, if both sides were the black side.

"That's Kragda-Maul!" Twilight cries. Then, the demon starts talking in a condescending, really deep British accent:

"Yes, I am Kragda-Maul. Malideus, my good man, you have taken far too long to get here: I've been dying to finally meet you in person. Or, should I use your real name?" The demon says, making my blood boil.

"You're Kragda-Maul? I expected someone called 'the Thing that should not be' to be, you know, taller?" I retort, and Kragda-Maul seems surprised.

"My, quite a mouth on you, my evil friend. If you're looking for Celestia, she's in the throne room." The inky demon says, jerking his thumb behind him.

"So, what? Skipping the fight and going straight to the directions?" I ask, and the demon shrugs.

"I only seek to help whenever I can, my anti-heroic friend." The demon says, and I can tell he's speaking in riddles, but I honestly don't care. The sooner I kill Chrysalis and Celestia, the better.

"Alright, thanks for the tip, bro." I say, offering a fist bump, which the demon returns with gusto.

"Anytime." Kragda-Maul says, before vanishing. Then, I suddenly get the feeling that I'll be seeing more of him.

"He let us pass..." Twilight says, sounding like she knew this would happen, further fueling my 'It's a trap!' theory. Nonetheless, we press on, up the stairs. Amazingly, I don't see any changelings, but their signs are everywhere. I smell a trap, or my name's wurfenhiemer the third... and it's not. Still, no demon, I can take them. Finally, we enter the main throne room, and there, surprise, surprise, is Chrysalis, looking all smug.

"Ah, Malideus, so glad you could join us." she says, and I sigh, holding my head.

"Celestia was beaten the whole time, wasn't she?" I ask.

"I'm afraid so. This whole attempt to get you here was just..."

"A trap?" I interrupt, shocking Chrysalis. "Yeah, I said it first, because I'm not dumb. Those probably aren't even the real Mane Six, are they?" I ask, and the Fake Six return to normal changelings.

"Well, way to kill the fun of the situation, Malideus. I thought you wanted to kill ponies, not fun..." Chrysalis pouts.

"I want to kill everything. Now, this can end one of two ways: You let me go, and I kill you quickly, or you resist, and I rape you up the ass before I kill you slowly and painfully, or secret option C, you give me Celestia, I eat her heart, and we both walk away." I offer, and Chrysalis frowns, thinking.

"I really want you out of the way, Malideus, and I went to all this trouble to set up an ambush... So no, I think it will be ME raping YOU to death, boy." Chrysalis says, getting up.

"Grab him!" she commands, and the changelings behind me (who, despite their chitinous shells, have very pillowy breasts, by the way) grapple me, but I don't even budge. Instead, I just electrocute the poor drones, and advance on Chrysalis, who looks terrified.

"You thought I was fucking kidding, bitch? Did you think you could cross Malideus TWICE and get away with it?" I ask, and Chrysalis trips, falling backward into the throne.

"I... I... this was all a mistake! I would never.."

"Save it, whore. As of this moment, you have now become my bitch. Now, you know what you're gonna do, Bitch?" I ask, and Chrysalis shakes her head.

"You, bitch, are now going to suck my awesome wizard dick, because you pissed me off." I say.

"Uh... I don't..." Chrysalis stutters, pushing back in her seat, but I slap her, shutting her up.

"You don't what, bitch?" I ask threateningly. Chrysalis then sighs and gets on her knees, resigning to her fate.

Needless to say, it was the single greatest moment of my entire life, ever. What? I dig fangs.

As soon as she finished, I then pimp-slapped her for deceiving me, knocking the queen unconscious, and walked out of the room, my pride reaching critical mass. Now, I had to find Celestia or Luna, or even the Mane six, because I wanted, no, NEEDED the bitch that tricked me to get caught, and tell her captors just what I did to her. I finally make it to the hospital, and find Luna asleep in a cocoon. So, I use a spell to corrode the cocoon, and I then get a glass of water and splash it on her, waking her up.

"Huh? What? I'm up, I'm... You!" Luna exclaims.

"Yep, me." I retort.

"What nerves you must have to return here after all you've done!" Luna says, getting up.

"Yeah, yeah, save the speech, you have a bigger problem to worry about. Everyone's in gross sacks, Celestia's down, and Chrysalis is unconscious in the throne room for no reason. Now get some real clothes on, and get this mess cleaned up." I say.

"And who are you to give orders to me?" Luna asks menacingly.

"Ahem, remember that deal you made, the day I slapped you so hard you passed out? I'm enacting on that now. I own you, 'princess', and my first order is that you free Celestia and the Mane Six, and then let them clean up. After that, meet me in the ruins of Ponyville tomorrow, at midnight, for your... change in management." I say, and Luna nods, tears in her eyes.

"Good girl. See you later, Luna." I say, scratching her chin. Then, I run out of the castle, and begin my long, agonizing trip back to the lair, eager to share my story. Within an hour of walking, I meet up with a familiar, inky demon: Kragda-Maul.

"Hello, Malideus... or should I say Chris? I do hope that dealing with my employer was as fun for you to do as it was for me to watch." Kragda-Maul says.

"You were watching? Gross." I say, continuing.

"I don't mind. I love such vulgar displays of dominance and depravity, and besides, I'm not the one who stuck my..."

"Alright, I get it! So, what, are you gonna follow ME around, now, or what?" I ask.

"Well, I thought of it, but I know you don't like being followed, so I thought better of it. However, I do have two things I wish to offer you, free of charge." the demon says, and I find myself intrigued by the offer.

"Go on..." I say.

"I offer you two things, Malideus: One, a tip on your future. Two, instantaneous teleportation to your lair. Do you accept?" Kragda-Maul asks, and I accept, seeing nothing better to do.

"Alright, give me my fortune and get me home." I say, and Kragda-Maul's ever-present smile seems to grow in intensity.

"Alright, here's the... 'deal', as it were: You are going to be visited by an ancient, vengeful evil, and an old, reformed wildcard. Each will try to claim you, but three choices will be yours: left, right, or middle. You can choose one, or blow it all off, it's your call." Kragda-Maul says, and I get confused.

"Wait, so, like, do I have to make a choice?" I ask.

"No, those are just three options presented to you. I don't know which you'll make, nor do I actually care. All I said was that this is going to happen, and it will; What you do then has yet to be written. Oh, and by the way, the griffon king's hot daughter may or may not try to seduce you. If she does, don't go for it, bitch be mad cray-cray." The smooth-talking demon warns, and before I can thank him for his limitless insight, everything vanishes, and I'm suddenly in front of Mizzy's cave. So, naturally, I go inside, and everyone's looking at me funny.

"Hello, minions." I say, sitting down.

"That was fast..." Mizzy says unbelievingly.

"Yes, sir, how did you get there and back before nightfall?" Whip asks.

"I had help. Turns out, they DID have a demon. Also turns out, he didn't like the changelings, so he helped me out." I say, remembering his fortune about the three roads and the griffon king's cray-cray daughter.

"Well, I'm glad you had fun." Mizzy says, and Whip yawns, then pauses, sniffing the air, and turning to me.

"Mal-er, sir... You smell like the queen." Whip says, and Mizzy interjects:

"Of course he does: He probably got her all over the place, just made a mess of her, I'll bet. I'll bet it felt good, too." Mizzy says, and I have to refrain from laughing.

"No, I mean... Ah, forget it." Whip says, going back to the torture chamber.

Then, wordlessly, I pass into deep, sweet sleep, dreams of conquest in my head. Oh, yes, tomorrow was going to be grand...

Author's Notes:

Remember, suggestions are welcome. Also, Malideus is now accepting applications from aspiring young (or ancient) anarchists with dreams of total governmental collapse! To submit an application, PM me the OC's name, height, gender, likes, dislikes, Bio, and theme song (if applicable), and pictures could help some, too. Then, I'll go over them to see if they are fit to join the glorious army of Malideus! Remember, there are no dumb or overpowered OCs here, just the weak and the in-the-way. Good luck, heathens! Ubie, out.