Dear Diary,

You’ve probably noticed that I’ve been warring with myself over my feelings for Big Mac the last few days. I’m so secure in my undying emotions one moment, and just as quickly it all seems like a fever dream. How am I supposed to know if this is love? I’ve never felt this before!

Well… I suppose none of that matters anymore. There’s no way I can see him anymore after what I did today…

After the excitement with the mail yesterday, I went to inform the landlord that I would be moving out. To my surprise and relief, he allowed me to break my lease without penalty, saying he already had a new tenant lined up for my apartment. Considering Stratus is still living across from me, odds are the new tenant is whatever mare he found to replace the poor mare that had replaced me after I left the weather factory. Well, whoever the new mare is, I wish her luck…

The flight back to Ponyville was uneventful, and soon enough I was alone in my new room at Vinyl’s, at long last able to read my sister’s letter in privacy. The content wasn’t all that surprising, just the usual; catching up, that she and Mother miss me, that kind of thing. She said she’d like to find time to come visit me, but I’ve heard that before from her. Every time a break in her schedule is opening, she’s approach by with a contract she simply can’t refuse (it must be nice to be that busy…). Apparently she’s been working with the mare whose room I’m now living in. This should prove useful in the future; I can write to her under the guise of this Octavia pony to avoid drawing Polaris’s suspicions once he realizes I’m not in Cloudsdale anymore. I wrote back to tell her about my move and that I would be using Octavia’s name to hide my presence from then on.

I dreamed last night for the first time in ages, though the details are completely lost to me now. Whatever it was, it must have been intense because I woke in a start clutching a pillow to myself for dear life. I remember Big Mac being involved, but beyond that, it’s lost to Luna’s realm…

Anyway, trying to figure it out was giving me a headache so I decided a little time out in the fresh morning air would do me good (on the ground, of course). Apparently things in Ponyville move at a much more lax pace than Cloudsdale or any of the other cities I’ve been to; there was hardly a stir when I went out into town, and the ponies I did see were all so friendly… I’m not sure what to think of that; it all seems so artificial to me. I guess small towns like Ponyville are different…

My walk inevitably led me down the trail towards Sweet Apple Acres; I can’t seem to stay away from the place, knowing that wonderful stallion is out in the orchard somewhere… It was here that my chance at a peaceful contented life came to a grinding halt…

On my way up the road I happened across a small shack built into a tree. The structure seemed to scream youthful exuberance, and sure enough, from out of the tiny structure three little fillies, one of each race, came out arguing loudly among themselves. Before I could remove myself from the potentially painful circumstance of having to be civil to foals, the three noticed and engaged me. The earth pony, who introduced herself as Applebloom, was in fact Big Mac’s kid sister; this only served to further complicate things… Then they went on to inform me that they were the Cutie Mark Crusaders; apparently their mission was to discover their cutie marks as soon as ponily possible.

My blood began to boil; here before me were some of my deepest, most intense hatreds made manifest. These fillies radiated the innocence and naivety of youth that I never once had in my own life. Add to that the fact that they were excited to the point of desperation to find their cutie marks, such a completely worthless endeavor in its own right, made even further infuriating by the fact that they seemed to believe that having a cutie mark is by far the best thing that can happen to a pony. I was already on edge when the subject shifted to my own cutie mark, and when Applebloom finally pointed out my scars… I just snapped.

The fillies wilted from my spiteful words, and I immediately regretted them (another feeling I’m not accustomed to). I crossed the line and I knew it… I wanted to apologize of course; before I had the chance however, Applejack came to the defense of her little sister, malice clear in her stance. She told me that she’d seen me and Big Mac in the fields the day before yesterday and accused me of trying to corrupt him… She threatened to hurt me if I didn’t leave immediately; given what she knows about me, from her point of view, I’d probably feel the same way…

I did the only thing I could do; I ran. Not just from the confrontation, which obviously wouldn’t have gone well for me (I’ve already seen that Applejack’s strength rivals that of her brother’s), but more importantly, I’d screwed up everything I was building in Ponyville. I turned both of Big Mac’s sisters against me. Applebloom and her friends won’t ever approach me again long enough for me to apologize, and there’s no question Applejack would strike me down on the spot if I ever approached her again. Even worse though, there’s no way Big Mac will want to have anything more to do with me once he hears what I did to his kid sister and how intensely Applejack now hates me…

I don’t know what I should do! I can’t just leave now; I don’t have any place to go to. And I can’t face Big Mac or any other pony in this town now either except for Vinyl, and she’ll be gone to Canterlot soon. Well, there’s Derpy, but she’s not exactly the reliable sort… I don’t even know where I’m running to anymore! What can I do? Please, somepony, anypony, tell me what I should do now…!

~ Starshadow