Dear Diary,

Forgive me for my, ah… outburst before; I wasn’t able to face what happened to me last night… I haven’t really had time to process that yet, but right now I have even worse things on my mind… Master has ordered me to tell him about my past… all of it!

When I woke up earlier, I found that myself in Master’s house; Master had been laying with me since I passed out on the road. As soon as I was completely awake, the memories of my betrayal came flooding back to me. How could I even be close to him after what I said… what I did…? I tried to run, to apologize, anything I could think of, but when Master started to approach me, I just broke down…

Thankfully, Applejack was there as well and was able to comfort me long enough to calm down and not run from Master’s presence, though I still half-expected some cruel punishment for betraying him. As if on cue, Master asked me the one thing I could never tell him about… until he demanded I tell him everything… I’ve never told anypony about some of this, not even Starsong… but this was an order from Master… If it somehow meant I could be forgiven, I would do anything…

Thinking back to those days is difficult, but I had no choice. After Polaris caught me and saw what I had done to myself, he flew into a rage and began to beat me… savagely… The only reason the blows stopped coming was because he noticed that I had started touching myself… Looking back, I know that my paradoxical response to the pain is because of my masochism, but at the time I could only answer with confusion and pained moans… Polaris’s anger and revulsion finally boiled over and he demanded I leave the estate and never return; he had been so worked up that he almost lashed out at mom as well… Somehow, the thought of mom being in trouble because of me was even worse that the pain I was still in… After I was sure everypony was asleep, I left the Star Family Estate for the first and final time…

After I left the house, I remember all I could think about was my sister in Los Pegasus. I knew I couldn’t afford to pay to get that far with the few bits I’d collected, but I was a pegasus and, for the first time in my life, I was free of the barrier around the estate. I had read book after book about pegasi and flying and I was so sure that it would be as simple as it sounded in the books. I did everything the books had said; I felt the current catch me like I had dreamed about and I was sure I had done it… Reality hit me hard, along with the concrete roads of Canterlot; my wings, which I had never used before, simply weren’t strong enough to support me.

After the accident, the fact that I was now alone in the world really set in… Without my wings, there was no way I would be able to make it to Starsong, and I had no home to return to… I was ready to give up. I remember lying in an alley, sure that when I closed my eyes next, they would never open again… Sadly, I would wake to find myself in an even worse situati(illegible)

(A large part of this page is blank, save for several large water marks.)

I’m sorry… This memory… South Pole’s betrayal, even after all these years, still hurts. For all the hatred I hold for Polaris, at least he was honest about what he had wanted of me; nothing… I wanted so desperately to believe that I had finally found a place I could be happy all the time. I was close to mom, I could still see her and Starsong. I had a father figure that truly cared about me… But it was all an illusion, an ephemeral fantasia designed by a fillyphile so that I wouldn’t fight it when he…

Somehow, I managed to struggle through the story of my virginity… Once I finally stopped to try to collect myself, Master finally told me to stop, saying we would continue in the morning. After we stopped, thankfully Master left for his own room; I don’t know if I can be so close to him right now… Applejack started to leave as well, but I begged her to stay with me; she looked conflicted about it, but finally decided to stay. With her comforting warmth around me, I was finally able to calm down enough to write this entry.

I don’t know what’ll come of all of this when they know everything; even what I’ve told them so far seems to be too much for them to handle. I want to believe that they will understand, but how could they? Once they know the whole truth, will they shun me? Would they throw me out of their home and want nothing more to do with me…? I don’t think I could blame them if they did… I know it’s stupid to even think this, but Princess Luna… could you please freeze this moment in time? Maybe if the morning never comes, I can be happy with this quiet moment with Applejack forever…

~ Starshadow