READ AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END@@@@@@@@

Dear Princess Celestia,

The other day, something strange happened. I'm sure you heard about it by now. I am speaking of swag, of course. It only took a day for that word to spread all the way across Equestria! Now, it's the most popular slang, used by all the celebrities. Its meaning is just about anything, honestly. Funnily enough, it was Lee who introduced the word. He was also really afraid of it, saying that this was why all the foals were in danger...? He warned us that it would have a profoundly negative effect on society. While I don't think it was really that bad (Lee and Rarity would disagree), I learned that I should pay more attention to what my friends are saying, no matter how ridiculous it may be. I thought I learned this with the Parasprite Incident, but I guess this shows that there is always something to learn about friendship!

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Full-Moon-Ass,

I learned to watch my f*cking mouth. Like, seriously, what the f*ck. It only took ONE DAMN DAY FOR THAT F*CKING, IDIOTIC, DOUCHE-LADEN, CULTURE, to spread across the whole damn country. What the Hell is up with that?! Luckily, I stopped the shit before it could hit the fan by using a bit of class and a suit n' tie, but really... wait a second... I DIDN'T LEARN SHIT! I basically went through all that shit for nothing, the f*ck do I care if y'all start acting like swaggots? You know what? F*ck ponies, and f*ck friendship lessons. Friendship lessons.... wait, are you even getting this shit? All I know is my L'il Nig burns it, and maaagically sends it to you. Are y'all bullshitting me? Write the f*ck back so I know I'm not wasting my time. If you don't, Ima start writin' random shit. I'm too real for this. F*ck you (luv ya bby girr).

F*ck this,

Lee the Legend.

As Princess Luna finished reading her new acolyte's letter, many thoughts scurried through her head. She was still a bit new to this apprentice-mentor relationship. One of the thoughts was of an appropriate response. Even after all the letters she received from Lee, she still had not written a single thing back to him.

"Reading your latest friendship report, Luna?"

Her sister's sudden appearance in the doorway of her chambers nearly startled her. Luna looks to Celestia with a frown and nods. Celestia frowns and trots closer. "What is wrong, sister?"

Luna shamefully levitates the stack of Lee's letters to her, "I... I haven't written Lee back since he started writing to me... and now he expects a response."

Celestia chuckles at her sister's embarrassment, "Why haven't you responded, sister? A correspondence is required for a proper student-teacher relationship."

"Because... well, I don't know how..." Luna unfolds the letters, "read for yourself."

Celestia's grin slowly fades as she takes upon the task of reading the colorful friendship reports. Once she finished, she resealed the letters, and put them back in their stack.

Luna cocks an eyebrow, "Well...?"

For the first instance in a long time, the nigh-immortal, Alicorn-Princess-of-the-Sun, was truly stumped. "He isn't like... most ponies... perhaps we can learn an appropriate response from the other human!"

At the mention of Lee's lost companion, the princesses quickly grew silent. Their constant search had yielded no humans, and those perpetual results weighed down on the two rulers.

"A week has passed... but we still haven't found him... I did, however, manage to perform a Scan-Spell over Equestria during the night." Celestia noted, "While the readings gave us nothing of Lee's friend, it picked up something... strange."

A curious frown took Luna's expression, "What is it? May I see the readings?"

Celestia's brow knit together while she thought of the peculiar results, "A trace of some unknown magic, scattered sporadically across the kingdom." she exhales deeply, in an attempt to soothe the building tension, "I already sent the readings to Twilight to see if you she could make anything of it... sorry. Hopefully, these anomalies will become clear when we find Lee's friend."

Luna looked towards the window, and on the waking city of Canterlot, "If we ever do find him..."

Celestia shrugged, "Then again, scanning for magical traces is just about the most useless method of tracking. At least it is something."

The bathroom door slams open, releasing a hissing mass of white steam. A freshly-showered human awkwardly combat-rolls into the library's den and executes a Swag Shuffle. "Swag."

Twilight and Spike stopped eating to observe Lee's heroic pose.

Twilight groggily curls her lip, "Thought you hated that word?"

Lee shakes his head in disappointment, "No, dammit. I said that I hate the culture, my speech made that very clear."

"Gonna have to excuse Twilight," Spike explains, "she was up late, studying some papers the Princess sent."

Twilight confirmed the late-night-study-session when she missed her spoon of Mairsy-O's entirely, poking herself in the eye. "OW!"

Twilight groans as she rubs her inflamed eye. "I need to get back to work. I'm not that hungry anyways. Besides, I've only spent seven hours working at it."

Lee grimaces at the implications of the princess's work ethic, "Please tell me you showered."

"Well, I washed my face—"

"—Cleanse yourself." Lee points to the misty bathroom, "Now."

"What? I smell fine, and I'm perfectly clean, so why do I have to shower now? I still have a lot—"

"—BITCH! I said, to cleanse yourself, you nasty-ass whore."

Instead of an intelligible response, she blows a raspberry, "Pbbbbt!" and begins to walk back to her study.

Lee cackles to himself, and abruptly voids all emotion. "You think this is a f*cking game?"

He launches himself across the library, and tackles Twilight to the floor. Lee quickly rises to his feet, with a struggling Twilight tucked under an arm. He marches towards the bathroom, paying no heed to the protesting princess. Spike could only watch and laugh.

"Put, me, down! I don't have time to shower, I have to analyze these readings for Princess Celestiaaaaaa!" Twilight commands as she wriggles in his firm hold.

Lee steps onto the tiled floor of the bathroom, and cranks the bath's faucets. "Tough tits, princess."

He raises her over the fast-filling tub, and she voices more futile struggles, "Quuuuuiit iiiiiit! You can't do this to me—" but Lee had already submerged her into the steamy water.

Before Lee left the grumpy Twilicorn, he imparted a nugget of wisdom, "Remember that you have a magical-dildo growing out of your head. Don't forget to use it next time."

Lee slams the door shut, leaving Twilight with one question, "What the hay is a dildo?"

Lee stomps back to the table where Spike sat, who was still giggling from the demeaning display, and drains a glass of orange juice that Spike had poured for him. "So, what the f*ck is the Twili-Bitch freaking out over this time?"

Spike finishes off his toast with a burp before speaking, "Princess Celestia sent the results of some Scan-Spell over. She wanted to see if Twilight could figure out what the anomalal...anomono..." he decides to give up on the fun, but big, noun, "she wanted to see if Twilight could figure out what the weird magic she found was."

"Oh... that's it? Don't y'all get weird magic and sh*t everyday?"

Spike shakes his head, "Well, yeah, but this is supposed to be really weird. And, besides, Princess Celestia was hoping to find your friend in the Scan-Spell. She's been looking ever since you asked her to, but... well... I guess you can tell that they haven't found much."

The search for Lee's friend hit him like a ten-ton weight. The matter had almost been completely forgotten about over the many strange events during his stay. The color drains from Lee's face as he thinks about his missing friend. It has been an entire week. And there is still no sign of him. He thinks to himself, 'Here I am throwing dirty ponies into bathtubs, and he could be lying in a ditch somewhere...'.

"I'm gettin' really worried..."

"Huh?"

Lee sits down as anger replaces the lost color in his face, "Nobody even knows where the f*ck he is."

Spike quickly perceives where this route was headed, "H-h-hey! We could still find him, it's not over—"

"—It's been seven days. Spike." Lee interjects with rising volume, "Seven. F*cking. Days. Maybe we haven't found him because some f*cking monster, like that damn spider, ate whatever was left to find? Has anybody even thought of that? Because that's what it's starting to damn well look like. Ugh..." Lee snorts, "It's all my damn..."

"Lee! You don't know that!" Spike jumps onto the table to punctuate his point, "Equestria is a huuuuuuge place! He could be anywhere, but that doesn't mean somewhere bad! There are lots of good places and good ponies out there! If anything, he could be safe somewhere, having the same conversation with a baby dragon, looking for you!"

Lee raises his eyebrows as Spike's words rings true, "Wow. You're really damn good at this sorta sh*t, you know?"

Spike crosses his arms and nods once, "I've been Twilight's emotional-anchor for a long while, so I better be good."

The lost human groans and stirs as he begins to exit his slumber. Ditzy and Reginald the raptor are awoken by his movements.

The human smacks his lips, and painfully rubs his dry throat, "Need some watuh'..." he croaks in a raspy voice, "freakin' cave dust in my throat." the human starts to hack and cough, removing the dust and moistening his throat with a blanket of mucus, fixing his voice. He stretches, puts on his glasses, and rises to his feet.

Ditzy works out some cracks in her back before standing on all four legs, "I'm getting thirsty too... and hungry."

"Don't worry, the hunger will take long, slow, agonizing weeks to end us." the human fails to reassure, "we need to get something to drink soon, or that will be what kills us!"

Ditzy's ears begin to droop, "Uh huh... well, where are we gonna get water? I really don't wanna go back into the Everfree..."

A quick grunt from Reginald grabs the two's attention. Reginald hops to his hindlegs, and proceeds to make a series of complicated figures with his forearms and claws. The human raises his eyebrow and grimaces, "Is he using sign language?"

"Yup!" Ditzy happily confirms, "He said, 'If water is our next objective, we should venture into this cavern. My primal instincts detect the presence of liquid somewhere below.'"

The human is rendered silent. "... I'm not even gonna ask how the Hell a raptor, or you, knows sign language. I'm just gonna play along, and hopefully die a quick and painless death."

Ditzy frowns, "Why would you wanna die? We've gotten so far!"

"I was using sarcasm, chica."

She nods in realization, "Ohhhhhhh, that's right. Ponies use that a lot with me, for some reason. I don't really get it though."

It was at this time the human unwittingly unearthed a bit of background about the Pegasus. He mentally connected the various events and mannerisms surrounding Ditzy with a red string, and realized, that she apparently lives up to her name... and that others seem to make use of it.

"Any...anyways, lead the way, Reginald."

Reginald grunts, and heads deeper into the dark cave, keeping to the right wall, occasionally stopping to sniff the air. The human and Ditzy follow suit, all keeping contact with each other so that they would not get lost in the darkness.

As they made their first right turn, they found that the obscurity was resolved in the form of some mysterious glow. There was a shining series of colors that seemed to lead deeper into the cave. Instead of questioning it, the trio decided to accept it as a circumstantial gift.

The trek had been long yet quiet, save for the clacking and scratching of their steps, but this lack of noise is welcomed. It meant nothing was attempting to tear their throats out. Of course, this could also mean that some sneaky devil is stalking them, effectively tearing their throats in silence. However, none of the three wanted to think about this possibility.

Eventually they reach a fork in their paths. Well, it would be a fork, if forks had twenty different prongs, meaning there were twenty possible routes to the life-giving water. Reginald takes a whiff of the cavern's air and proceeds down the leftmost tunnel.

Unfortunately, that tunnel had very unstable footing as well as a steep decline, causing the three to begin to slip and tumble. T

he human could only offer one sentence before the inevitably painful, yet comical, fall, "Caves suck."

They fell in a thrashing tornado of feathers, scales, and descriptive curses.

Every fall has an end, and this one proved no different, although this fall had deposited them into a rather large, rocky chamber. The human helped Ditzy and Reginald to their feet, before receiving a view of their unintended destination. The first thing he noticed was the source of the illuminating glow: gems. Piles upon piles of precious stone of every flavor, in a great hoard, lay in the center of the cavern.

The human grins from ear to ear, staggering closer to the vast vault of gems, "Ho-ho-hooooooly Hell. I can't wait to convert some o' this into worthless paper money!"

He looks back to his compatriots to see that Reginald was trying to get his attention. Reginald grunts twice, and points to the river running through the cavern. Except that it was a river of molten rock.

Reginald forms another series of gestures, which Ditzy quickly translates, "He said, 'Oops. Wrong liquid.'"

"H... how the Hell does that even... screw it." the human's thoughts shift to the mysterious mass of jewels, "Question is, who leaves such an unholy amount of greed in the middle of a cave?"

Reginald shrugs, but then his eyes grow wide. He growls erratically and frantically signs a message, finishing off by pointing behind the human.

The human snorts, "What is it now?" He veers in the raptor's pointed direction to see a bipedal, maroon reptile boasting an orange crest, and a pair of wings. It looked to be a foot and a half taller than the human. It glared down at him contemptuously, and snorted a ring of smoke around his neck.

Ditzy's ears droop and her pupils shrink as she stammers Reginald's translation, "He s-s-says, 'DRAGONS!!!'"

The dragon sneers and lowers its head, opening its jaw, menacing rows of jagged teeth, "Would you look at that? The food came to—"

"—PANCH!" the human interjects with an uppercut to the dragon's lowered chin.

The dragon jerks back from the sudden blow, "What the—"

"KIIICCCK!" then he delivers a whip kick to the exposed stomach, causing even more confusion and pain to the dragon's part.

Let it be known, that this chain of blows stems from a daily series of light slaps the human received when he was very young. Eventually, he developed appropriate reflexes to avoid or counter such sudden strikes. Unfortunately, that means he either punches or kicks people in the gonads when he is surprised, but he has learned to restrain himself.

However, when suddenly faced with a dragon, those restraints were ignored. As for why he is announcing each blow, who knows?

"JAAAB!" a jab to the Adam's Apple!

"'ANUTHA KICCCCCK!" a kick to the ribs!

"PAAAAANCH!" the dragon raises an arm to block the heralded punch, but it turns out that the human was lying so he could kick the dragon in the shins.

"Ouch!" The dragon kneels to clutch his aching legs, leaving his head wide open, effectively sealing his fate.

The human takes his chance and unleashes the perfect finisher for the situation, a jumping, spinning uppercut, AKA, the... "SHOOOOORYUUUUKEN!!!!!!!!"

The epic, spinning, strike(minus the flames accompanying the fist in popular culture) lifts the dragon off of its feet, and gravity pulls it back to the ground in a painful tumble. The dragon groans and rubs its chin, "Oooohh... owww..owww."

The human raises his arms in victory, "HO-HO!"

"Woooo!" Ditzy cheers from behind.

Then he felt something trickle down his knuckles. He brings his hands back to view, and sees that they are severely bruised, bleeding, and swollen. This is also when he registered the agonizing pain brought by impacts against the dragon's rough scales.

The mounting emotions were released in a tearful cry, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH, SON OF A WHOORE!!!! F*CK, my hands feel like they've been tossed in Dante's 8th Circle of Hell!"

Before the human could craft a dirge relating his agony to Dante's Inferno, something shakes the floor. These were steps. The steps of a foe much greater and much more terrible than the small dragon he defeated. A foe that would require much more than a Shoryuken for a knockout.

The full-grown, green dragon clambers onto its hoard and spies the intruders, as well as the bested drake on the ground. "NOT ONLY DO YOU INTRUDE ON MY LAIR, AND WAKE ME FROM MY SLUMBER WITH YOUR INSUFFERABLE CRIES, BUT I HAVE COME TO FIND MY NEPHEW, GARBLE, BULLIED?!?!"

The human retreats back to his friends, points at the lumbering dragon kindling fires in its nostrils, and cries, "THIS IS JUST STUPID! WHY does this shit happen when things look GOOD?!"

However, the dragon's impending blaze ignores his questions, and the three have no choice but to run back into the tunnel. Although, there was not much to run towards, since the tunnel was ten feet off the ground.

Ditzy trembles and clings to the human's jacket, "Are we gonna die?"

The human looks into her eyes, smiles, lovingly scratches her ears, and confidently says, "Painfully. Very. Painfully."

However, even in the bleakest of situations, fate proved that this was not the three's conclusion.

A flash of familiar green light temporarily blinds all in the cavern. The flash leaves a large, insect-like pony creature behind, flanked by two smaller versions of it. The tall insect was similar to the ones in the marsh, except this creature gave off a completely different aura. It was much larger, to begin with. It had a longer and an even more jagged horn, and a long, greenish-blue mane that reminds him of a shiny beetle-shell. There is even a tiny crown on its head.

"It took far longer than it should have to find you." she croons in a strange, otherworldly voice, "I cannot believe I had to see to it myself."

The human, very well tired of it all, asks, "And you are?"

Ditzy gulps, and stammers as she realizes who appeared, "I r-r-remember her! She's C-C-Chrysalis! The Changeling Queen!"

"Queen Chrysalis." she corrects in that buzzing voice, "But I'm not here to chitchat, just to kidnap!" A flash of green light envelops the three, and the disappear.

The three reappear, entrapped by a gooey, green cocoon, inside a gray-stone chamber, with Queen Chrysalis before them, laughing madly in theatric fashion, as if she were about to burst into a tantalizing aria. Despite the fact that they were captured by some old foe who had no business with the human, he was a bit pleased. Pleased, that they were not roasted by dragon fire.

Ditzy grumbles in a way that suggests she might have been in this position before, and asks the human a question, "I just realized, I don't even know what your name is. What can I call you?"

The human chuckles as he remembers that he never even said who he was. He was too busy running.

"Just call me Gogurt, Gecko, Goku, whatever suits your fancy. My name ain't easy to pronounce."

"I think Gogurt is cool! It sounds yummy!" Ditzy happily states.

"Gogurt" snorts in approval, "Yeah, I am pretty delicious." He peers inside his jacket to see that the accursed book was chuckling again. The smidge of cheeriness he had towards their predicament was quickly wiped away by the damning cackling.

Except this time, Ditzy hears it, "Hey, what's that laughing?"

Gogurt grimaces, and closes his eyes, "It's bad news."

Author's Notes:

I think this is a nice chapter. I managed to structure it pretty well, and I like where I went with the three perspectives. By the way, the smaller red dragon was Garble from Dragon Quest. The larger green one was from the episode, "Owl's Well that Ends Well" Anyways, next chapter is going to be the Choose Your Own Adventure Chapter. This is the last time for voting. Just pick your choice in the comments below.

A) Lee gets pissed off by Gilda the Griffon

B) Lee helps out the Diamond Dogs

C)Lee teaches Spike to be a man