*READ AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END*******************

"Implying that I give a shit."

Pinkie and the others gaped in horror at his apathy towards the Ponyville youth's danger. Lee saw Twilight's mouth open to begin a long and unnecessary lecture about morals that humans should already know and practice in our everyday lives, and raised his arms in defeat, "DAMN, I was just screwing around. How the Hell do you know that the midget-ponies are gonna get mutilated and probably eaten anyways?"

Twilight pulled a face, "Maimed? Eaten?"

Applejack nudged Lee to get his attention, "Uh, sugar cube? I don't think Pinkie mentioned nun' o' that."

"Aha!" Lee interjected, "She did not exclude it either when she said, 'danger'. Therefore, we can conclude, that there is a possibility of maiming and consumption. Now..." Lee quickly grabbed Fluttershy in a tight headlock (not too tight as to cause the pegasus to erupt in tears, which would have caused Lee to possibly execute an Anal-Falcon-Punch) , "You damn Viet-Congs better f*cking tell me how the Hell Cream Pie knows before I slit this pretty-pony's throat..."

"It's Pinkie Sense, darling." Rarity explained calmly, so as not to set off the volatile human, "Pinkie has various ticks and such, that informs her of an event before it occurs. Such as falling objects, opening doors, and the like. Understand, dear?"

Lee grimaced and nodded in response.

Then a wicked scowl split his face, "Not good enough, b*tch!" With that, Lee swiped his index finger across the confused captive's throat and gently pulled her head to the tabletop, "Shhh.... shhh.... sleep, now."

"Uh... okay?" Amazingly, she seemed to comply by closing her eyes in pseudo-slumber. Lee, Spike and Pinkie seemed to be the only ones that openly laughed at this hilareal display (that's really+hilarious= hilareal, for those that forgot this wondrous word).

Applejack shook her head at his antics while quietly chuckling, "She ain't pullin' yer leg, Lee. It's just somethin' us Ponyville-ponies learned to accept and trust."

Lee vaguely remembered that the pony who had been named after a cereal box was the Element of Honesty, and he was sure that if she lied, she would burst in a conflagration of thunderbolt and lightning. This compelled him to trust her.

"Okay, you have a dumbass version of Tourettes that tells the future, I'll buy that shit. So what exactly is the problem?"

Pinkie took a deep breath, and expelled the mixture of air and tension to say, "I don't know!"

Lee cocked his head at an angle, "What?"

Twilight and pals rose from their seats (with the exception of the dumbstruck Lee) as the Alicorn formulated a plan of action, "Right! We need to find out what exactly is endangering the foals, and put a stop to it as quickly as possible! Me and Pinkie will check the schools, Applejack and Rarity should--"

Lee interrupted by throwing his chair and yelling "F*ck this shit." Then he proceeded to return to Golden Oaks Library. There was only so much nonsense he could take at once.

It had been a day since Pinkie's announcement of danger, and everypony was still in high alert. The residential ponies knew to trust Pinkie's twitches, and were watching for peril at every hour. But then the impossible happened, meaning nothing happened.

Lee stretched, and accidentally rolled himself off of the bed, hitting the wooden floor with a resounding thud.

He rose to his feet while moaning in hunger and pain, "F*cking pony beds... mmm... hungry... wish they had a Waffle House..." Lee glanced at his iPhone 5 in orange and camouflage casing (The battery had been enchanted to recieve power from magic sparks, courtesy of Twilight.) to see the time.

It was an hour past noon. This was strange, because Twilight usually prevented this by pestering him to wake up long before then. Lee decided to investigate.

Lee headed to the ground floor by walking down the wooden steps, all the while complaining about the lack of carpeting on the hard-edged steps. He looked around to see that Twilight and Spike were not here. Then his ear caught the hum of machinery below him. He searched for the source of the sound, until he found the steps leading to the basement betwixt two bookshelves to the right. This was also when he realized that he had never ventured to the lower levels of his new home. Lee quickly fastened the cape that he, once again, stole from a colt, and heroically ran down the steps.

Nothing could prepare him for what he saw at the bottom floor. Machines. Great, flashing, steel beasts of unknown purposes blinked around him. In the center of it all, was a Twilicorn and Spike examining Pinkie, who had been connected to a steel monstrosity while a clunky, wired helmet adorned her head.

"WHAT KINDA KINKY SHIT IS THIS?!" cried the confused human.

The three partakers of science regarded him with a smile. Twilight lowered a clipboard she held in her magic to address him, "We're just running some tests on Pinkie's Pinkie Sense. This is the first time it's been wrong!" Twilight failed to hide her pleased expression.

Pinkie's giggled at the scientist's verdict, as if she had seen this happen before. "It's not wrong, we just haven't found it yet!"

Spike nodded in agreement, "Besides, remember what happened the last time you were so skeptical about it?"

Twilight blushed in embarrassment, "I still remember, alright. I shouldn't dismiss it so quickly, I guess we still got some more looking to do... but that doesn't mean I shouldn't stop trying to understand this Pinkie Sense! I got some new equipment since that time, and I might be able to find something!"

"Twilight..." Spike began to chastise.

"I know, I know," Twilight assured, "but it's different this time! This time, I accept Pinkie Sense as fact. I only want to understand it. Is that alright Pinkie?"

Pinkie Pie happily nodded, "But, don't we need to look for the super-scary-possibly-foal-eating-danger?"

"I'll look around." Lee volunteered, to the surprise of Twilight, "I'm bored, and I'll get somethin' to eat while I'm out. Leggo, Spike, I need mah Lil' Nigga."

Lee scrambled back up the stairs, tripping several times along the way. Spike looks to Twilight, and she smiled in approval. He gives her a quick hug before going after Lee in his pursuit of food and danger.

Lee and Spike munched on apple fritters as they journeyed to the Ponyville schoolhouse. Lee had figured that the best way to find the, 'danger', would have been to check on the foals themselves. He was aware that his pony compatriots would have gone through this reasoning as well, but he did not care, because he believed that his more sensible mind would have uncovered more. Besides, Lee felt like scaring children today. Thoughts of terrified foals brought a smile to his face as the two reached the schoolhouse.

Before Spike could politely knock on the door, Lee had tackled through it.

He burst into the place of learning, and roared while wiggling his arms, as if he were some noodly bogey-monster. "OOGA BOOGA MOTHERF*CKERS!"

However, no shrieks, no faces twisted in horror, not a single tear of terror came from the schoolfoals. Unfortunately for Lee, the foals, Cheerilee included, had grown used to the humans sudden, thunderous appearances.

Diamond Tiara snorted in the back, "Ugh. Not him again."

Lee decided to let that comment slide, he could not legally rend a filly to pieces... not here.

Everypony else, however, seemed happy to see him.

The rest of the foals say in unison (with the exception of the Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara) , "Hi, Spike and Lee!"

Cheerilee smiled at the deflated Lee and dragon duo, "It's always good to see you two! What can I do for you to today?"

Lee attempted to tip Cheerilee's desk on its side, but strained his back in the process, and nearly collapsed in pain. "Where... where's the danger at, hoes?"

"Excuse me?"

"He's talking about Pinkie's warning." Spike explained.

"Oh! That. Well..." Cheerilee did a quick sweep of the room with her eyes, "no danger, as far as I can tell."

Lee rose and fixed his collar. "K'." then he waved, and turned to walk back out the door

"No need to worry yahself, Lee!" Apple Bloom sayed, "Everythin's been swag."

The mere mention of that word cracked a putrid bolt of fear through Lee's soul, halting him in his tracks.

Lee slowly turned around, his visage bearing a look of supreme apprehension, "The f*ck did you just say...?"

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow, "She just said swag... you know what swag is, don't you?"

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon cackle at his seemingly apparent ignorance, "Who doesn't know swag is?" they hoofbump at their complacent irritation.

Cheerilee chuckled and rolled her eyes, "It's just some harmless new slang that all the colts and fillies are saying. They use it for just about everything."

Spike grunted, "Huh, that's weird. How did they know about that? Uh... you alright, Lee?"

Spike had noticed that Lee was trembling and breaking out in a cold sweat.

He stammered a question to the growingly concerned teacher, "H-h-how long? And h-h-how many have b-been saying... swag?"

"I'm not sure how long it has been," Cheerilee answered, "but it's all over the place! Ponyville, Fillydelphia, Vanhoover, Cloudsdale, Manehatten, even Canterlot...! But why the—" but she was talking to empty space, because Lee had charged out of the class with Spike tucked under an arm.

"No, no, PLEASE NO!" Lee chanted as he sprinted away from the schoolhouse.

His ears had been working exceptionally as he ran past the ponies of Ponyville. He heard it. He heard the telltale cluster of letters that spelled, 'swag'. It was being used by a large ratio of the ponies he had seen, either in interest of the word or casual conversation. This frightened him even further as he saw a group of colts (a mite older than the schoolfoals, but a little younger than the Elements of Harmony) sporting stickered-snapbacks and plain, oversized shirts. The one thought that passed through his mind was, 'this can't be happening.'

"What's wrong, Lee?!?!?!" Spike shouted as he was carried like a football in Lee's mad dash.

Lee reached the town square and plopped Spike down onto a bench. He quickly spotted the magazine vendor and made for the counter. He chucked a couple of bits into the clerk's muzzle and snatched the nearest copy of Equestria Today. On the cover was the Pony of Pop that Lee had learned of in his stay at Ponyville: Sapphire Shores. She was wearing a hodgepodge of 'bling', a pair of snapbacks pointed in opposite directions over her braided mane, skin-tight zebra-print leggings, and a bedazzled blouse that spelled 'The Pony of SWAG". Of course, spelled in large, red letters above her was, 'SWAG, the hippest slang that EVERYBODY knows and uses!'

Lee stifled a sob, and skimmed through an article on the matter. Swag was everywhere, all the foals, and all the biggest stars were saying it.

Lee suddenly screamed, "WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK! IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE F*CKING DAY, AND EVERYONE IS SAYIN' IT?! HOOOOOOOOOOW?!?!??!!?D:?!?!"

He found his answer as he continued reading. Apparently, a certain Pony of Pop was passing through Ponyville, incognito, the other day. She was in the process of recording a single, but just couldn't find the right words to finish it. However, she overheard a group of colts use the fated word, and subsequently explain it. Inspiration struck, and she returned to Manehatten to finish the single in a remarkable span of two hours. She debuted her single, and it aired over all the radio ('Equestria has radios', Lee thought, 'go figure.') stations, meaning EVERYPONY heard it.

The style that emerged with 'swag' seemed to have come from Sapphire Shores following performance. She and the backup dancers had been wearing the 'swaggy' clothing, spreading a new fashion craze along with the word.

However, no matter how much blame and spittle Lee blasted, he knew the core cause of all this. Lee fell to his knees, threw his arms out, and cried out to the sky, "WHAT HAVE I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE?!?!?!?!"

Spike grabbed the magazine and gave it a quick read. His eyes grew wide with realization. When he took Swag 101, Lee had heavily drilled the implications of 'swag' when used like this, and he knew how serious this was.

"Lee... I think we found the 'danger'... but we're too late."

Gasps of nearby ponies filled the air as a cloaked stranger tossed her guise aside, "Are you enjoying my cover in Equestria Today?"

Lee and Spike froze in recognition of the voice. They both slowly turned around and faced the Pony of Swag. She was decked in the exact same outfit on the cover of the magazine.

"Ohmigosh," squeed a nearby fanfilly, "it's Sapphire Shores!!!!" this brought on a roar of applause and cheer as fanponies attempted to greet the popstar. They were quickly repulsed by a pair of burly guard-stallions so that Sapphire Shores could approach the petrified pair.

"Greetings, Mr. Dragon! Once I saw the valiant drake who helped craft Miss Rarity's beautiful ensembles, and the human who has been all the rage recently, I simply HAD to remove my guise and speak to you in person! So, did you two enjoy my SENSATIONAL new single, 'Sapphire Swag'?"

Lee took deep shaky breaths as rage began to choke his lungs, "Oh we f*cking enjoyed it alright..."

Spike facepalmed and Sapphire Shores did a double-take, "Excuuuuse me?"

Lee stepped a little closer and released the dam of sensitivity he bottled up in his psyche, "YOU F*CKED US!"

"Uh... Lee." Unfortunately, Spike's words would have done nothing to stop the tirade he unleashed.

"YOU'VE GONE AND F*CKED US ALL, YOU ATTENTION WHORING MOTHERF*CKER!!!"

"AH' BEG YOUR PARDON?" Sapphire Shores shouted back, "What right, have you, to raise your voice, and to SWEAR, at the Pony of Pop--no--Swag?! I created a fantastic single and established a pop-culture slang that will last for DECADES!"

At this point, all had fallen silent to witness the monumental argument that was taking place.

Lee snorted, and spat on the ground, not too far from Sapphire's basketball hoof-shoes which probably costed a fortune. "THAT, because of THAT shit right there! It's because of the trashy motherf*ckers LIKE YOU THAT give me the right! DON'T spread your garbage to these ponies, they're stillPURE YOU ALCOHOLIC, MONEY-HUNGRY, PROSTITUTE!!!"

Sapphire smirked and turns to the now-booing fans. "I get it now, this poor-creature is jealous of the vast amounts of high-quality swag I possess!"

Lee pulled a face, "Bitch please! I've seen tranny crack-whores with more style than you!"

This had gotten Sapphire's attention.

She turned back with a thoroughly offended expression, "Are you trying to say... that you have more swag than the Pony of SWAG HERSELF?!"

Lee raised his hands defensively, "What?! No! I'm saying that all this swag shit is—"

"Then that TEEEEEEAAAAAARS IT!" she announced, "The only way to settle this disagreement... is a SWAG-OFF!!!!"

The heralding of a swag-challenge brought whoops and cheers from the sizable congregation that had gathered.

"TONIGHT, ON THE TWELTH HOUR OF THE NIGHT!"

"WHAT?!" Lee called over the jubilant crowd, "But that's just f*cking stupid!" Unfortunately, no one heard his cries of sanity and reason.

Before he could protest anymore, a teal glow had enveloped his and Spike's body. The two were quickly and silently carried away from the raucous town square.

The two were levitated into a nearby alley. The scarfed-caster quickly released the spell and collapsed, panting from the effort of carrying the two. The mare took to her hooves and removed the scarf from her head. It was none-other than Rarity.

"Are you insane!" she quietly screamed. "You have just angered and publicly insulted the Pony of... Swag. All of Equestria's fanfillies will be after your head!"

Lee brushed himself off before speaking, "You don't know how bad this sh*t really is." He approached Rarity, and began to lightly shake her by her head, "I've seen things...! Horrible things.... all because of swag... if this isn't stopped, you're all f*cked."

Rarity looked to Spike. He furiously nodded in agreement.

She sighed in exasperation, "Is it really that bad? Aren't you exaggerating—"

"Have you seen the latest issue of Equestria Today?" Spike interjected.

"No, I was on my way to pick it up, actually. I heard there was a hot, new, fashion craze that I simply..." her voice faded to horrified whispers as Spike showed her the cover of the magazine and the fashion choice perpetuated by the Pony of Pop. "... but it's just so tacky!"

"Yeah." Lee nodded, "It gets soooo much worse. If this keeps up, you'll be making animal-print leggings and snapbacks for the rest of your miserable life."

Rarity was silent for a few seconds as she thought.

Her eyes now bore resolve and cold decision, "We need to stop this."

"But, how?" Spike asked.

"The Swag Off." Rarity cringed, "You're going to have to win the Swag Off. Once you display how much more... swag... you have, you can slowly direct the pony population back to proper fashion. And I am going to assist you. It's time to put those measurements we took to use."

Lee checked the time. He had ten hours until the appointed showdown.

"We better get to work."

"Spike... you're joking, right?" Twilight asked Spike as she and her friends trotted to Carousel Boutique.

"Nope!" Spike snapped, "And if I was, why would I take you all to Rarity's at midnight?"

"It's just... that Ah' have a hard time believin' that, 'swag', is the danger all the foals are in." Applejack reasoned.

"I mean... it can't be that bad." Fluttershy agreed.

Rainbow Dash hovered overhead, sporting a backwards snapback and shutter shades, "How can 'swag' be a danger? It's just a word! Besides," she then gestured to her limited apparel, "just LOOK at my swagger, how dangerous can it be to look this awesome?"

The ponies began to murmur and complain about the seemingly pointless trek. All except Pinkie, who had not said a single word.

"Juuuuust wait..." Spike warned as he reaches Carousel Boutique's door.

He didn't even have to knock, Lee and Rarity had already began to open the door. Everypony (and dragon) admired Lee's new ensemble, the fruit of 10 hours of constant labor at the hooves of a tired but incredibly pleased unicorn named Rarity. "It's done, just in time too!"

Lee nodded in approval and smirked. He strutted to his Altima parked nearby, and opened the doors, "Let's roll, bitches."

The town square was a hub of excitement and anticipation. All the ponies had congregated around the stage, ready for the show of season. The excitement peaked when Lee's Altima drifted on-scene. However, none of the spectators could get a look at him, considering he quickly hid behind the stage curtains.

The question on everyone's mind now was, how did a Swag Off begin?

Sapphire Shores answered that when she entered in a flashing chariot pulled by a team of pegasi bedecked in the latest doorags and oversized shirts. There was no announcement, no speaker, no ceremony, it just began.

Sapphire Shores hit the stage (in the same outfit as before), and said to all the cheering fans in an explosion of pyrotechnics, "Let the Swag Off, BEGIN!"

And boy, did it begin.

She danced and sang to her new single, 'Sapphire Swag', with her slew of background Pegasi and Zebras. There were flashes of light, auto-tuned voices, smoke, and lyrics so dreadfully awful that they could not be written in text.

Four long minutes passed, and she finally ended her performance with a rocket bursting in the sky, spelling, 'SWAG'. The fans went absolutely raving mad, cheering louder than what their vocal cords should have allowed. Eventually, that howling took its toll, and they quieted down.

Lee took that as his sign, and began to step out.

Sapphire stopped him before he could go, just to say, "Try and top that... especially in THAT outfit." Lee ignored her, and marched to the center of the stage.

The audience was confused. This was... swag?

Lee was wearing a jet black tuxedo and tie that perfectly fit his body in all places. Nothing over the top. It was just something... classy.

Lee straightened his tie, and took the mic, "Instead of giving a half-assed performance with sh*tty lyrics and no real message, I'm going to talk to you." Lee took a deep breath, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, TAKE A F*CKING LOOK AT YOURSELVES!!!!!" while the audience was shocked by his outburst, they did what he said. They glanced at themselves and their neighbor, scanning the snapbacks, over-sized shirts, shutter-shades, and other impractical articles of clothing brought by the Swag.

"YOU LOOK LIKE TRASHY JACKASSES THAT BELONG ON THE STREETS! I'M F*CKING SERIOUS, YOU ALL LOOK HOMELESS!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WEAR SHUTTER SHADES?! WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU LEAVE THE STICKER ON YOUR HATS?! WHY, THE, ACTUAL, FUCK, WOULD YOU WEAR THOSE SKINTIGHT LEGGINGS, YOU LOOK LIKE WHORES!" the ponies suddenly began to feel very self-conscious as they gave themselves an actual look in the proverbial mirror.

Lee held up his hand to calm the chattering, "Look, I was wrong. The problem isn't the actual clothing. Even 'swag', although it's the dumbest f*cking thing I have heard in a decade, isn't the problem!" Lee pointed to the ponies in the crowd, "IT'S YOU, THAT'S THE F*CKING PROBLEM. You know where that word came from? It came from ME!!! It didn't even take three days and everyone is already using it.

"You wanna know why so many of you f*ckers are using it? Because some famous jizz-witch is using it! What the f*ck, ponies?! You don't even care what the style is. I know, because you are adopting the trashiest, laziest, form of culture possible: the swag culture! You assholes are so keen on being cool, you just do whatever the next f*cker is doing! Have some damn self-respect, have some f*cking INDIVIDUALITY!

"Do you wanna keep wearing that shit? GO THE F*CK AHEAD! But don't wear it because some NOTORIOUS F*CK-BURGER is! I'm so F*CKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT! DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO, NOT WHAT SOME BEDAZZLED WHORE IS TELLING YOU! I'M DONE!" Lee dropped the mic, and strutted off stage, leaving the audience, even Sapphire Shores, dumbstruck by his words.

In the back of the crowd was a certain alicorn of the night. She was very proud of that speech, and she was very happy that she had such a smart apprentice. "Well done, Lee. Well, done. I don't know if there is very much that I can teach you."

Author's Notes:

Well, this ended up being my longest chapter yet. However, it is also the most meaningful. I addressed a problem that I see too much of. I don't hate the swag culture. I hate the reasons for it's prevalence.

The next chapter will have a whole lot more focus on the unnamed human (it's blatantly obvious who he is, btw) and other spooky things.
AFTER THAT, however, is The Choose Your Own Adventure chapter. The choices are
---Lee gets pissed off by Gilda the Griffon
---Lee helps out the Diamond Dogs
---Lee teaches Spike to be a man. (a character development chapter, so it gets deeper, but not as eventful as the other two )

I already have a vote for #3, so comment your votes in the comment section, of course!