Princess Luna reclined on a luxurious, ebony couch in her private study, still struck with a conundrum. Before her, in the grips of her magic, was a blank parchment. Lee's threat of sending random letters containing lewd profanity was still fresh in her mind. The only way to sedate him was to write back. The problem was that she had not a clue of how to respond to Lee's messages that had contained normal levels of lewd profanity... and Princess Celestia was as stumped as she was.

"Wait... that's it!" the enlightened Luna finally began to put pen to the paper, "There is only one way to respond to such a letter. I will not disappoint you, my new student!"

"So... how was the rape dungeon?"

Twilight stopped short of entering the Library upon hearing the inquisitive question, "Wait, what?"

Spike hopped off her back and stepped inside, "I think he's talking about the castle."

"Oh. Well, actually, it's not a dungeon!" Twilight proceeded to nerd as she trotted in and placed her saddlebags down, "You see, a dungeon is actually the prison of a—"

"I know, I know, just get the damn joke, ovary-head..." Lee interjected.

Twilight raises an eyebrow, "Ovary-head... don't you mean to say...?"

"YES, DAMN IT!" Lee yells, "THAT'S THE F*CKING JOKE. I swear, you do something stupid like that again... anyways, how was the damn castle?"

Spike tossed a sapphire from his hoard chest tucked under the table into his mouth, and crunched it to pieces. "It was alright. Things got pretty crazy though!"

Twilight began to chuckle to herself, "Yeah, one could say that with all the spookiness, we all had a bit of, Castle-Mane-ia!" the Twilicorn and dragon assistant burst into a fit laughter.

Lee squinted, "Are you really making a f*cking Castlevania reference?"

Twilight and Spike ceased laughing, and simultaneously said, "What?"

"You know," Lee began to reason, "Castlevania? That NES game about that guy, Simon Belmont, goin' around with a whip, trying to kill Dracula or some sh*t like that?"

The purple duo only drew blanks.

Spike raised a claw, "Don't know what you're talking about, but there was this Pony of Shadows thing..."

Lee did a double-take, "P-P-PONY OF SHADOWS?! That's obviously a reference. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow? They sound really close!!!" They only shrugged, to add to his apparent frustration. "YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME?! How the Hell are you making these references without knowing about it? I know I've seen some ponies dressed like the the dudes from The Big Lebowski at the bowling alley, this CAN'T BE A F*CKING COINCIDENCE!"

"What's a Big Lebowski? A book?" Twilight innocently inquired.

"AHH, F*CK IT!" Lee breathed in through his nose and out of his mouth rhythmically, in an attempt to calm himself, "So... what are we doing now?"

"Nothing on the schedule now," Twilight answered, "I guess we're done for the..." she was interrupted by the slip of a cobalt blue letter that made its way under the library's door.

Spike plodded to the letter and unsealed it with a claw.

He read the contents aloud, "'Sup' Lee, Vinyl here. Openin' a new dance club in Ponyville tonight! Thought you might be interested in the Grand Opening Party, seeing that you're cool and all. Bring some friends, if ya want. Admission is free for you and however many guests you bring! Think of it as personal payback for savin' my sound system from that spider-thing! The club is right next to Sugarcube Corner, and it's called, Wubbin' the Right Way. Starts at ten! Wow, that sure is nice of Vinyl. Can we go, Twilight?" Spike pleads to his guardian with soulful eyes.

Twilight groaned, "Spike, it's late, and we just got back from the—" However, she was interrupted again. This time by a tackling Lee.

Twilight hit the floor with a light thud and blew a raspberry. "You're making us go, aren't you?"

"You bet your starry-ass I am."

"And you're gonna make the rest of our friends go too, aren't you?"

"You bet their multicolored-asses I am."

The Nissan Altima carrying the screeching passengers squealed to a halt in front of the new club, Wubbin' the Right Way. The building was completely white, adorned with a giant record with the club's name spelled in neon lights atop it. It was quite large, about three times the size of Sugarcube Corner, so it was able to accommodate quite a few ponies.

There were also quite a few ponies waiting in line at the glass double doors. The swag-culture's mark was still evident, marked by the snapbacks, shutter-shades, and other pieces of affiliated clothing. Luckily, it was not nearly as bad as when it first started. However, the sight still made Lee inwardly cringe.

The six passengers squeezed into the vehicle spilled outside, eager to regain their space. Twilight wore a practical, yellow dress adorned with simple pink scarf, all Spike wore was a checkered tie, Pinkie and AJ had worn nothing (although Applejack fastened a strap to her hat tonight, for serious partying). Rainbow Dash had her shutter shades and snapback, Fluttershy was wearing her Dangerous Mission Outfit for some reason, and Rarity sported a sleek, form-fitting, black dress. Of course, Lee was wearing a T-Shirt and gym shorts.

Lee glanced at Rarity's dress and snorted, "So the whore-culture was already here. Not takin' the blame for that."

Rarity had not really heard him, and looked to him with a questioning smile, "What was that, dear?"

"Nothing, my-little-whore. Anyways, what the f*ck is Shy wearing?"

Fluttershy peered at the floppy bunny ears and blushed, "Um... I didn't really know what to wear to these sort of things... so... yeah. Do I really have to go?"

"Yes..... and that's f*cking adorable."

Wubbin the Right Way was a slick club. Light up neon tiles, strangely-shaped couches that make no ergonomic sense, laser light shows, and music blasting well above the legal decibel count. The bouncer at the doors had screened them in without the wait line. Apparently any guest with Lee immediately got in.

Vinyl Scratch waved to the party-going party from the center of the club, where she was manning an enormous, circular turntable with two other disk jockeys. She let the two DJ's take over as she hopped over the tables to meet Lee.

She greeted him with a cocky smile and removed her crimson goggles to show that her eyes held the same look. "Hey! Glad you could make it! So, what do you think of the best club in Ponyville? Well, it's the only club here, but still!"

Lee nodded approvingly, "Swag."

Vinyl sagely nodded back, seeming to understand the instance of the word usage. "Thanks! I had plans for opening one for a loooong time, and it's even better than I thought it would be!"

"I'll say!" Rainbow Dash cheered, "This place is awesome! I'm gonna be coming here pretty often!"

Pinkie Pie agreed, "So am I! This'll be the perfect place for parties!" before springing into a giant, chocolate cake in the center of the dance floor. Rainbow and Applejack whooped, then joined her raid.

"I must say that the decor for this establishment is absolutely posh!" Rarity gushed as she examined the tiles and furniture, "Oooh, I cannot believe I have not caught up with this new style yet!"

Twilight looked to the laser light shows with a respectful and studious eye, "These synchronized lights must be emitted from an arcano-gem-matrix fixed at strategical points within the club's premises! That must have taken a really meticulous eye to correctly judge the gem-refractions to create the projected images!"

Vinyl seemed to absorb the compliments with relish, "Thanks, thanks, and... thanks, I think? Anyways, I gotta get back to my station, have fun, everybody! And thanks for coming, Lee!"

Twilight, Spike and Lee waved to her as she returned to the sound systems.

Lee then took a seat on the blob-like couch and pointed at Twilight and Spike, "I command you, to groove."

"Don't you wanna dance?" Spike asked.

"Nah, I just chill. It's my other friend who grooves... or has a seizure on the dance floor, I can't really tell the difference.

Then Lee's ponies and dragon danced. They danced, pranced, and wore no pants, but ponies do not wear pants in the first place. Lee, on the other hand, chilled. He chilled so much, that a layer of cold air emanated from his very being , causing drinks to be kept cool if kept around him. This caused ponies to mingle with him, but he was apathetic towards their conversational advances, but of course, this only caused them to like him even more. Until his fist told them to go away. Then they came back. Then a chair told them to go away.

Eventually, Spike sat next to Lee for a rest from grooving. "Man, this club is great! I get to hang out with everypony, and we can just have fun without worrying about some century old enemy we gotta clean up after!"

"Yep. I'm not sure I can do another impromptu rock ballad to take down a demon again anyways. Funny thing is, I haven't played guitar in forever. This pony-land must give me the ability to break out in random songs." then Lee noticed something off, "Hey, where's Shy? I haven't seen her groovin'." Spike sprang to attention, and scanned the dancing crowd for the adorable bundle of bashfulness.

He points to a less populated corner of the club, "There! She's with Twilight and they're... talking to a couple of stallions?"

"What." Lee peered in the direction he pointed and saw that this was true. Twilight and Fluttershy were talking a trio of earth pony stallions wearing gaudy gold jewelry and sweaty, collared shirts along with a pair of unnecessary shades. Twilight looked like she was either going to explode from shame or anger. That was when Lee knew something was up. He grabbed Spike as if he were a football and charged through the masses.

Lee stopped within their earshot, to hear what was going on. He did not think it would be a good idea to rage without context.

Lee heard the stallion in the center speak first with a stereotypical New-Yorker accent, "C'mon, sugar-plot, what're you so shy about? We just wanna party with ya!"

Twilight grimaces, "Fluttershy already said no a bazillion times! Will you please stop harassing her already?!"

The smelly, hormonal stallions whispered to each other before they said their next lame pickup line, "Ohh, so you're that kinda tramp. How about we take the both of ya and really make ya 'flutter'!"

Twilight's horn buzzed erratically, "Excuse me?"

The same stallion cackled, "I said, I'll reaally show you a 'twilight'!"

"Wh.... what?"

"I said, I'll reaaaally 'flutter' a 'twilight' until ya 'sparkle'!"

One of his friends put a hoof on his shoulder, "Nail, you're doin' that thing where nothing makes sense, again.

"What did you say to her?!"

Lee glanced at his open arm and realized that Spike had gotten away to come to the mare's aid.

The stallions briefly regarded the tiny, enraged dragon whelp, and laughed, "What the hay is this? Is he the bunny tramp's itty-bitty bodyguard? Bwahahahha!!!"

"Yeah, I'll reaaaaally show her how to bodyguard!"

"Nail, please."

Spike snorted green fire in anger, "That's it, buster!" He rushed the stallion with windmilling fists, only to be stopped by an outstretched hoof. The stallions laughed even harder at his attempt to beat them down.

Fluttershy cast her trademark shyness aside at the degrading display, "Stop bullying Spike! He's just a baby dragon!"

Rarity suddenly popped out of the ring of watchers that formed around the debacle, "Is someone hurting my Spikey-Wikey?!?!"

The stallions stop laughing to ponder the name, then guffaw to their lungs capacity. "Ya' hear that? Spikey-Wikey! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! And where did this other one come from, anyways?"

The other crony stallion points at Rarity, "Maybe she wanted some instead! I mean, look at what she's wearing!"

Rarity pulls a face, "Look at what I'm.... ponies don't normally wear anything!"

"Yeah, I'll reaaaaaaally show her what to wear!"

"NAIL. FOR THE.... just stop, please."

However illogical that jibe was, it had been the last straw for Spike. Someone just insulted the equine he loved. And he would not stand for that. In fact, he jumped.

"NO ONE TALKS TO HER LIKE THAT!!!!!" He leaped at the head gross stallion's face in a flurry of slashing claws and gnashing teeth.

"Aaah! Get offa me!" He cocked his foreleg back, and slammed it into Spike's side, throwing the enraged drake off and into a table, where a bowl of punch and a platter of cupcakes upended over him.

This was also the last straw for Lee. Before the protective mares could resort to violence, he stepped between them. He kept a deadpan expression and looked straight into the lead nasty stallion's eyes, "Y'all need to chill out before ya do something else stupid."

The lead abomination of a stallion sneers, "Ugly? This got ugly the second you reared your head!" The music stopped. This was the due to Vinyl Scratch becoming aware of what was happening in her club.

She galloped onto the scene with Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash in tow, "Hey, what's going on over here?!"

Lee looked to her, and back at the seedy stallion. His group had slowly grown from a trio to a dozen more. Lee sighed, popped his neck, and coolly said to Vinyl Scratch, "I'm gonna need you to listen to two things: One, I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. Two, play some epic fighting music for me."

Vinyl Scratch's grin grows wide with glee, "One, you're forgiven. Two, you got it!" she prances back to her music station, and plays a high energy song fit for the occasion.

Lee nodded in approval, "This will do just fine. 'Ey, douche-sucker, what's your name?"

The stallion grunted, "Nail Pounder."

"Tell your wife I'm sorry." then Lee combat rolled behind him and kicked Nail Pounder as hard as his muscular legs allowed into Nail Pounder's 'nail pouch'.

While Nail Pounder writhed in pain on the floor, and his cronies encircled our heroes, Lee said to his friends, "I hope y'all know what to do."

Rainbow turned her hat backwards, "Don't worry, we've done this before..."

Pinkie grinned and whipped her cannon out of her tail, "Good thing I brought my party cannon!"

"Again, I'm really sorry about the property damage done to your brand new club."

Vinyl waved it off with a hoof, "Don't worry 'bout it! Those jerks needed broken bones anyways. If my turntable helped that, it's fine! I'll get my stuff replaced soon. It'll just take a week to raise the money for all the broken lights."

Lee still felt bad for the damage, so he dug in his car's dashboard, then pulled out a large bag of bits, "Here. A hundred bits should help." Before she could refuse, Lee raced off.

Vinyl looked at the bag of bits, and back to the en-flamed Wubbin the Right Way that the Firestallions were still having trouble with. "That guy, really knows how to party."

They were back at Golden Oaks Library now. Of course, Lee dropped the other ponies off before then. Twilight was also yelling and ranting at no one in particular about the innuendo-filled altercation. Lee would have been participating in the ranting as well, but something caught his attention. Spike was sulking.

He was angrily slumped over in his basket-bed. He grumbled, and occasionally hit himself with a frustrated slap or two. This worried Lee, because he knew what was wrong, and it was partly his fault.

Lee then noticed the rolled up letter on his bedstand. Spike had vomited it before they went clubbing, but Lee forgot to read it. He decided now was a good time to give it a look.

Dear Lee Newsom,

I have found your letters quite invigorating and stimulating. I have learned so much from your findings! They have made me feel as if you were addressing a midnight strumpet who f****s the elderly in the night and brings her d*** to f**** in the sh****. And I then I would proceed to ***** a giant plunger with my c**** and slap my a** with a horde of teeming h**** mice infected with ***, **** **** a**** j**** Hoity Toity **** d**** c**** with Sapphire Shores, and a stick of Neighponese dynamite!

Your Full-Moon-*ss Teacher

Princess Luna.

Princess Celestia gaped in disgusted awe after her sister recounted what she sent to her student.

Luna took that as an achievement, and inquired in the Royal Canterlot voice, "HOW MANY POINTS DO I RECEIVE?!?!?!"

Author's Notes:

The last part was freaking hilarious to write.

Anyways, this is the Choose Your Own Adventure Chapter: Lee Teaches Spike to be a Man. This is obviously a two-parter, I wouldn't have been able to fit as much as I wanted in one readable chapter.

And yes, Vinyl will now be a part of Lee's Bro Brigade... holy crap, that'll be a great future chapter.