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READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES AT THE END
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"Lee? What are you doing?"

"Being real."

Twilight Sparkle's question was a very good one. The alicorn had awoken, in her usual hours, and noticed that Lee was not in bed. This was a bit strange, considering Lee tended to sleep past 12 o'clock if Twilight did not wake him.

She thought about this as she descended the stairs to reach the bathroom. When she reached the ground floor, Twilight received the answer to the previous confusion. There were golden bits scattered across the floor, and a certain human rolling through the glinting currency, as if he were a frisky calico-kitten. Spike was standing off to the side, observing the scene, and jotting notes in a notepad.

The vast amount of bits was the reward of the many jobs Lee had completed during Nightmare Night. Since Lee had also saved all of Ponyville from an ancient spider demon with the powers of epic rock, Mayor Mare also slipped some... well, a LOT of extra bits in his reward. All in all, he had acquired 225 bits.

Twilight was still unsatisfied by his answer, "What does that even—"

"SHUT YOUR F*CKING MOUTH, YOU CHICKEN-LOOKIN' MOTHERF*CKER! YOU WILL RAISE YOUR HAND TO SPEAK IN MY TERRITORY!"

Twilight was still not sure of which way to progress when Lee shouts like this, so she kept her mouth shut.

Spike raised his claw as if he were a student in class.

Lee stopped writhing to answer, "What up?"

"What does, being real, mean?" Spike asked with a rising tone, denoting his curiosity.

"It means, to be too f*cking real for all this shit." Lee said with closed eyes.

Spike quickly wrote his words down, "Ohhhh, I get it!"

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes. She was going to have to play along. She sighed, and raised a hoof, "What is Spike--"

"DID I F*CKING STUTTER? I SAID HAND, NOT THAT DEFORMED SHIT-LOG YOU CALL A HOOF!" Lee giggled at his hilareal (you see? That ingenious word is far from forgotten.) antics. "LAWL jk, what do you want, whore?"

"What is Spike supposed to be doing here?"

"I'm taking Swag 101!" Spike happily answered, "Whatever the hay that means... but Lee said it was important!"

Twilight pulled a face, "Swag? I don't believe you are using that word in the right context, Lee."

At this remark, Lee awkwardly rolled to his feet, and saunters to Twilight with a furrowed brow, flared nostrils, and a deep frown. "Lemme tell you what swag is. Swag is this."

This was when Lee performed a strange shuffle that he picked up in his home world. Lee put his feet together and jumped from side to side twice (while keeping the feet together, and the torso in place, so that only the legs are moving). Directly after, he bent down, and swatted the dust off Twilight's hooves. Lee crossed his arms, feeling proud of himself, "SWAG!"

Twilight's raised eyebrow, curled lip, and open mouth spelled bafflement of the highest degree, while Spike was taking notes on the curious yet graceful dance.

Lee shrugged, "Don't get it? It's alright, you're just a dumb bitch is all. Let me put it to you this way. I got so much swag, that," Lee then gestured to his entire body, as if he were revealing some prize, "it's just leaking from my pores, and I have bottles of the goop just lying around. Here, lemme give you some bottled swag." He proceeded to uncork an imaginary bottle, and drizzle the swag upon the perpetually perplexed princess.

Twilight Sparkle responded by ignoring the dripping swag, and trudging towards the bathroom, thoroughly convinced that she will not understand him on an empty stomach. But first, she needed to brush.

The three occupants of Golden Oaks were now gathered around the table for a bit of breakfast. Twilight hungrily munched on her cerealwhile Spike and Lee were enjoying a cheese and mushroom omelet with peridot pieces as a garnish for Spike.

Twilight looked to Lee's bits (which were now tidied up and placed in a bag), "So, Lee, what do you plan on doing with your bits? I would imagine that you're going to place it into a bank account, or properly invest it in a..."

"I'm gonna spend it all. To-DAY."

Twilight nearly spat her Mairsy-O's across the table, "All of it?! How are you going to spend 225 bits in one day?!"

Lee demolished the rest of his omelet before answering, "First off, I don't have any clothes. It's been over three days, and I feel too disgusted to go on. I'm gonna need a whole new f*cking wardrobe. Second, I gotta find some way to get gas for my Altima. I don't know how much that's gonna cost. AFTER all that shit, I'm going to do some more jobs, and THEN I'm gonna get a bank account. See? I got my shit figured out."

Spike finished his eggy-dish off and poked a question, "What are you going to do about clothes? I don't think they make much in your size... or species."

Lee shrugged, "Idk, I'll have to get it custom made and shit. So, that's gonna cost me an arm and a dick."

"How about Rarity?" Twilight suggested, "She is the best seamstress and fashionista around. She should be able to put something together in no time!"

Lee looked surprised, "She can do that shit?"

Spike nodded vigorously, "Yeah! She's the best, most talented, most beau—"

"I think he gets it, Spike," Twilight laughed, "but yes, Lee, if anypony can help, it's Rarity. You wanna head on over to Carousel Boutique later?"

Lee shot up from his seat, "No. We're GOING NOW!" He attempted to flip the table, but failed because it was built into the wooden floor. Lee saves face by running out the door, yelling, "TO THE SWAGMOBILE!"

Spike scurried after him, hurriedly taking notes as he scrambled. Twilight snickered at Lee's tomfoolery. He was kinda hilareal, and she could not deny that.

One high-speed and haphazard drive later, the three arrive at Carousel Boutique.

They walk to the entrance, but before Twilight can rap the door, Lee called, "KNOCK, KNOCK, MOTHERF*CKER!"

A slightly puzzled Rarity opened the door moments later, but smiled when she saw who arrived. "Good morning, Twilight, Spike, and Lee! Oh! And I do believe that this is Lee's first—"

"—What up ho? I need some of that swag-tag sauce, so then all them nigs be all like, 'oh-ho-ho shit lookat dat Swagdaddy-shawty!'" then Lee executed the Swag Shuffle that he had performed before.

".... pardon?"

Twilight sighed, "He needs some clothes made. Just some essentials to hold him over until he gets back home"

Rarity's expression broke into a smile, "Why didn't you say so? Come in, dears!"

Spike and Lee walked through the door, while Lee awkwardly cartwheeled inside and knocked over a mannequin.

Rarity floated measuring tape to Lee's figure and began to take measurements, "From the moment you began to reside in Ponyville, I could not help but think of the possibilities for your unique body type and species! This will truly be a worthy test for this mare!"

Lee let the seamstress do her work, and lifted his arms so that she could measure them, "Swag."

Rarity wrote the numbers on a notepad by her side, "What exactly do you wish for me to create, Lee? Simple t-shirts? Or perhaps something more formal, with a snappy collar? Maybe even a full tuxedo ensemble? Ah, wait! You just need what is absolutely necessary, do you not? Hmm, that is a shame..."

Lee's face began to twitch as he noticed that she failed to mention a certain, very important, article of clothing, "That's all well and good but...... what about the pants?"

Twilight frowned, "I thought you only needed the necessities? You know, so you have enough left over for the other things? Do you really need pants?"

"You do appear to wear your pantaloons whenever I see you." Rarity noted, "Why is that?"

Lee grimaced, "Because I don't have a retractable pony-dick. It just dangles between my legs." Rarity and Twilight instantly blushed, while Spike stifled a laugh.

Rarity started to stammer, "W-w-well pants it is! How about I draft the designs for the shirts and pants to you today, and get started on it tonight?"

"Wow, that fast?" Lee said incredulously, "Don't worry too much about the designs though. Just give 'em a dash of swag."

Rarity stopped upon properly hearing that curious word, "Swag? Pray tell, what do you mean by, 'swag'?"

Before Lee could launch into a cryptically long or short explanation about the definition of swag, Twilight left at this, "We'll leave so you can get to work, and Lee can fully explain when we go out for lunch today."

A wide smile split Lee's face as he threw an arm around Twilight and Rarity, "Hopefully not lunch at Stringy Linguini's! HARTY F*CKING HAR HAR!" The ponies simply stared at him, unsure of what response to choose. "Shut the f*ck up, YOU KNOW THAT WAS FUNNY!"

NOW they laughed. This was good, because if they had not laughed, a fiery wrath unlike any they have ever seen would have descended upon their unfortunate, mortal souls.

Everyone and everypony was at the Clover Cafe now. The Clover Cafe is an alfresco eatery that serves simple yet refined dishes. Lee would fully explain the word here... and he need only utter that word once, until something that he could have never imagined began. Something that he never meant to cause, something that would plague Equestria for a very long time, perhaps forever.

"Wait, what was that word again?" RD asked Lee.

Lee turned to her, and said in a deadpan voice, "Swag."

"It sounds...! Um..." Fluttershy searched for the correct words (and the least offensive ones) to describe the alien term, "...catchy?"

Applejack tilted her head to the side in curiousity, "An' what the hay does that mean, anyways?" Lee simply pointed to Spike. Spike had been staring dreamily at Rarity for twenty minutes, so it took a small punch from Lee to get his attention.

"Oh, right! The notes..." Spike fumbled for his notepad and read the highlighted findings aloud, "'Swag appears to be a noun, adjective, adverb, verb, preposition, or any part of speech. It appears to be associated with the following: coolness, stylishness, awesomeness, and even the way one walks.'"

It would be important to mention, that it was around this time, a group of young colts, most of which were in Ms. Cheerilee's class, passed within earshot. They had happened to overhear the strange word, 'swag'. They also caught part of the definition for it and decided to stay to listen. That foreign and catchy word had piqued their interest.

Lee nodded to Spike, gesturing that he was on the right track.

Spike continued with his notes, "'I shall list some examples of swag in a sentence. 'Have you seen my swag, bro? You ain't even on my level.', 'Dude, that snapback has got some swag.', 'Why you messin' with my swag, bro?'. This is what I have found so far with 'swag'." Lee clapped his hands in approval.

"Oooooh, " Rarity realized, "I see now. That is quite a versatile word... perhaps, not the most classy of them."

Rainbow rose from her seat in admiration, "Swag... I love it! That's the perfect word for me! Have you ever seen so much swag on a pony? Swag-swag-swag!" She struck a pose with each use of, 'swag'.

The colts had heard enough. If the amazing and incredibly awesome Rainbow Dash approved of the satisfying word, it was worth the breath to speak. They all ran off, excitedly using the new word, eager to show it off to their other friends and foals. What they did not know about swag, was the integral information Lee revealed next.

Applejack grunted, "Sounds kinda dumb to me, I wouldn't wanna catch Apple Bloom sayin' that."

"Good job, Breakfast, you get it." this revelation caused some confusion among the ponies and Spike, "It's a stupid word, only used seriously by the most trashy and retarded douchebags of society. The only way to use it without being a complete jackass, is to make fun of it. Which is what I do. I don't take that word seriously, and y'all better pray that no one f*cking does. By the way, why haven't you said anything, Cream Pie? Aren't ya gonna try to molest me or some sh*t?"

That was another peculiar aspect of the luncheon. Pinkie Pie had not said a single word since Lee mentioned, 'swag'. In fact, the only thing moving, was her continuously flopping ears. She also appeared to be shivering uncontrollably.

"Uh oh. Shivering and flopping ears! This Pinkie Sense only means one thing..." she suddenly squawked and leaped onto the table, "ALL OF PONYVILLE'S FOALS ARE IN TROUBLE!"

They were still lost. The human, Ditzy the pegasus, and Reginald the Raptor (that is his new name) were still hopelessly lost. They were also cold, hungry, tired, and hurt. The season's slow transition to winter only made things worse. They had not eaten in days, Ditzy's wing was still injured, Reginald was reeling from the cold climate, and a close encounter with Timber Wolves had left the human badly bruised. After all, smashing wooden wolves with your body and rocks did not feel too good for anybody. Surprisingly, his glasses were completely intact.

"Ey', Ditz... How long has it been for you...?" the human asked.

"About fifteen years in this world."

"Nn... no, I meant how long have ya been lost?"

Ditzy thought to herself to draw the number out, "I've been lost for... a little over three days. I'm never doing long distance mail again... heh heh. I even lost my mailbag... so stupid."

"We're all dumbasses." the human replied, "I've been wandering for... somewhere around the same time. Hey, I just realized, this is the second time we haven't been really running from something."

Ditzy giggled, "Yeah, we have some bad luck, don't we?"

The human snorted, and glanced at the accursed book he still had concealed under his jacket, "Yeah... Luck."

He looked up, and spotted something that granted hope. "Hey, I think I see a big ol' cave! Maybe we can sleep somewhere inside without being maimed in our sweet-slumber?" he turned back to Ditzy, "Anything that'll kill us inside?"

"Not if we don't mess with it." Ditzy explained, "Anything inside will be too big to care about us."

"I'll take that as a yes."

The odd trio made way for the gigantic cave entrance, looking for a place to rest inside, under the cover of darkness. They walked about forty feet inside, just to where the sun's illumination ended. Funnily enough, the cave seemed to actually generate warmth. While that made little sense to the human, he did not care. Nothing really made sense here.

The raptor laid its side against a flat rock and closed its eyes. The human nearly collapses as he eases to the ground, and puts his back on the raptor, preparing to sleep as well. Ditzy leaned on Reginald, and pushed closer to the others in an attempt to stay warm. She immediately fell asleep from the fatigue.

Her sleeping appearance reminded the human of the dog he had back home. For nostalgia's sake, he began to scratch her stomach. She responded by kicking her leg erratically, much like his dog. He stifled a laugh, and began to think. Would he ever go home, and see that dog of his again? Would he even find a way out of this odd Hell he's been placed in? At least he knew what the cause of this was.

He glowered at the book beneath his jacket. He knew this was behind it all. Somehow, for some reason, this thing had thrown his life out of orbit. And he knew that it was why he had been getting so much bad luck. At least he managed to pick up some friends in this bizarre world. A pegasus and a... dinosaur. Even the pegasus looked surprised to see the raptor, so that told the human something. It told him that raptors still were not the norm, not even here.

He yawned, removed his glasses and closed his eyes, "I could really use a steak, right about now."

The two royal sisters were having tea in the Study. They attempted this activity everyday, so that they could have some respite from their responsibilities and that they may enjoy each other's conversation. However, the subject of the talk was a bit more strange, this time around.

"Have they all been recaptured?" Celestia inquires of Luna after a sip of Earl Gray.

Luna shakes her head and puts her cup of jasmine down, "All but one, sister. However, it was the docile subject. It should not harm anypony. I still find it hard to believe that they went through with the project despite our orders."

Celestia rolls her eyes, "When ponies want something enough, they do not let anything get in their way."

Luna grimaces, "I also find it hard to believe that it was success. I did not know resurrecting beasts of old was possible, without our help, I mean."

"I'm just glad we stopped those foolish ponies quickly." Celestia reasons, "First, they revive Swamp Raptors, who knew what could have been next? Those creatures are gone for good cause. Besides, we have too many old enemies that don't need the possibility of returning."

Luna then brings up a topic that has bugged her for some time, "What about my student's friend, G..Girr...Gurkirt? I have not found a single trace of him, anywhere. It's as if something is concealing him. What about you, sister? Have you any luck?"

Celestia sighs, "Afraid not. It is as you say. It seems like something keeps him from our view through all of our searches. To make things worse, a very young Ponyville mailmare is missing. Ditzy Doo is her name. I can only hope she makes it back to her little sister in Ponyville."

Silence fills the the Study as the two mull on these words, interrupted occasionally by a sip of their respective teas. Luna breaks this quiet once more,"Sister... I feel," Luna searches her mind for what she properly felt, "I feel... that there is something much deeper afoot."

Celestia chuckles at her sister's suspicions, "Isn't there always?"

Author's Notes:

This chapter was sort of lighthearted. It's a bit of a breather for Lee, considering he saved Ponyville, and maybe even Equestria. Twice. Anyways, most of the heavy content was directed towards the missing trio, and this will be true for the next chapter.

Btw, I lied when I said they would all meet soon. I changed my mind! I got a better idea for it.

This really wasn't a cliffhanger(where Pinkie said the foals are in trouble) if you can tell where this is going. But it wasn't supposed to be a cliffhanger.

Anyways, the next chapters will be like this, lighthearted and such. I am actually thinking about making the next a choose your own adventure.

A) Lee helps the Diamond Dogs
B) Lee gets pissed off by Gilda the Griffon
C)Lee teaches Spike to be a man (will be funny, but will end up getting deep character development between the two. A funny but layered chapter.)