The lost human ran up the narrow mountain path north of the arid steppes. Apparently, he just left what was known as The Badlands, and now he was running through Macintosh Hills. The predators from before were chasing him, but this time,he knew what they were.

They were raptors.

They were actual, living, impossible, raptors. He did not let himself get confused for sake of stumbling or losing his way. so he kept pressing up the hill, lobbing rocks at the raptors climbing after him to slow them down.

Unfortunately, the rocks did not help too much. They either missed entirely or struck glancing blows. At least he was near the top now. The end of the ascent spurred on a burst of energy, and he quickly ascended higher. As he placed a hand on the final ledge, he felt the rock shift, and the ledge crumbled beneath his grasp. He had a feeling of weightlessness before he fell, but something caught him before he could splatter on the ground below.

He watched the raptors below hiss in defeat as he was lifted to the top of the hills and released on safe ground. He wiped the sweat off his head, adjusted his glasses, and shook his head. He glanced to his side to see his savior: a gray, winged, four-legged-hero with yellow eyes which didn't quite line up the right way. Its faltering but wide smile betrayed the pain her limp wings were subject to.

"Hey, I'm Ditzy! Are you alright?"

It would take the predators a long time to climb as fast as he could, and he was in the clear, so he seemed to be alright for now. Before he could thank her, a jumping shadow briefly covered the sun. They quickly turned and saw that yet another raptor had sneaked up on them, from a completely different angle than the rest.

He shook his head as the book he carried underneath his jacket chuckled again, "What did I do to deserve this?"

"Lee..." Twilight cautiously asked, "what are you planning on doing with those?"

The items in question were the saddle, bridle and bit combo Lee menacingly brandished in his hands. Twilight's question and growing fear was met with a sadistically crooked grin, "You better run, because I'm about to do some kinky shit!"

Twilight shrieked and ran through her library/home, stumbling over herself to escape the maniacal human and his tools of horror. Lee cackled as he chased her by comically running with his arms held high, as if he were a Scooby Doo monster. This display continued until Twilight remembered that she had magic.

Twilight blinked away and reappeared under her bed upstairs. She smiles to herself, believing she had won. Twilight squirms out, and trots back down the stairs. What she didn't notice, was a certain maniac that had positioned itself on top of a bookshelf, like a leopard in a tree.

"SURPRISE BITCH!" Lee jumped onto Twilight's back, and quickly strapped on the riding equipment, "YEEEHAW!"

The sudden weight had thrown her off-kilter, "Aah!!!" Twilight began to stagger towards a bookcase, and Lee realized the danger he was in.

"Well, sh*t."

Twilight crashed into the bookcase, and the entire structure fell on top of the two in a cacophonous collapse of literature.

"Are you happy now?" Twilight huffed under a pile of books.

"Shut the f*ck up, you know that was funny."

This is the night of Lee's first stay in Ponyville. Lee's antics had overtaken the library's silence in a matter of 2 minutes. What did Spike think of it? He thought it was absolutely hilarious. What did Twilight think? She thought that she would never get any work done again. She might be right.

Sometime after the three cleaned everything up, they heard a knock at the door. Lee brushed himself off and opened the gate. There stood Pinkie Pie wearing a party hat and a clown nose.

"What?"

Pinkie took a deep breath and began to sing, "Thiiiiis is your singing telegram, I hope it reads you--"

"--NO. Just, no."

Pinkie frowned, "But, don't you wanna go to the Super-Spectacular-Welcome-to-Ponyville-Dinner?"

"Dinner?" the three denizens asked simultaneously.

"I thought you did parties and sh*t?"

Pinkie honked her nose, "That's NEXT week, our DJ is out of town, so it's just a dinner for now!"

Lee nodded and squeezed the clown nose, "Alright. Cool. Swag. What up. Wait, are we going now?"

"Of course, silly!"

Lee squinted and leaned in close, "So you're telling me to go to a dinner, before I can get ready? BEFORE you even ask if my schedule is CLEAR? Am I supposed to go in my F*CKING PAJAMAS?!"

Pinkie gave him a smile, "If you want to! I'm not even wearing clothes!"

Lee shrugged, "K', let's go." Lee looked back into the house, "Get your asses up, we're gonna SMASH some F*CKIN' FOOD!!!"

Lee thought it would be fun to drive Pinkie, Twilight and Spike to the restaurant. Did Lee use his law-breaking speeds and maneuvers? Of course he did. The question is, did the others enjoy it? Pinkie sure did. Spike looked green where he was usually purple, and Twilight vomited into a nearby trash can as soon as the car stopped. So they probably did not have too much fun. Did Lee care? Not a single bit.

Pinkie bounced ahead of the rest, pointing at the restaurant, "This place is great! It's so good, that Mayor Mare is having them do the catering for Nightmare Night!

The restaurant on scene was a fairly busy eatery called, "Stringy Linguine's". It looked like one of those Italian themed places that Lee was so accustomed to. When Lee, Pinkie, Spike and Twilight walked strolled inside, their feet clacking against the red and white checkered floors. The rest of the Elements called out to them from across the restaurant. They were seated in a party-size, circular booth, with just enough room for the others.

A delicious smell wafted across the nostrils of the occupants as an appetizer was carried out by a waitress pony from the counter, even the manager came along to welcome them. The manager was a tall, skinny, beige-colored stallion with a Mario mustache and a close cropped mane. His cutie mark was a plate of romana covered linguine.

"Hi, Linguine, we're back for another dinner party!" Pinkie waved.

"I see." Linguine said with a forced smiled and a very forced Italian accent. "Always happy to see you at my high class eatery." His eyes briefly turned cold, but he turned away and trotted back into the kitchen. Lee ignored his douchiness, but the others didn't seem to notice. They were all focused on the appetizers.

Lee took in the scent and identified it as a type of nacho and cheese combination. He sat down and thought to himself, 'This dinner's startin' to look pretty good right now'.

"Thanks for the food, y'all." thanked Lee, to the surprise of the ponies.

Applejack smiled and shook her head, "Aw, hush, sugar cube, there's no need for that."

Even Fluttershy, who had been too scared of his high volume and anger to approach Lee, said a few words, "Oh, it was all Pinkie's idea! I didn't really do anything other than cower."

Nachos were coming, the ponies were warming up to Lee, and no one had gotten hurt. Lee actually thought he was going to enjoy himself here. Maybe this night is gonna turn out just fine for the misplaced human after all.

The dinner was an disaster. Lee is enraged, Fluttershy is in tears, Rarity is hysterical, Lee had decked the restaurant's manager, and Stringy Linguine's is probably gonna get shut down because of the incredibly disgusting hygiene infractions discovered by Lee's rampage. Then a spirit of pestilence attacked. Perhaps we should back it up a bit.

After the nachos were finished, it was time to move on to the main course of the dinner. Lee ordered their three-cheese alfredo pasta, because, well, who doesn't love alfredo?

The food took quite a bit of time to arrive, but no one wanted to spoil the mood by complaining. Everyone seemed to have ordered some sort of Italian fare that the restaurant was themed after.

Before they dug in, Pinkie clinked her glass with a spoon, unintentionally shattering it. "To our new friend, Lee!"

Everypony (and Spike) raised their glasses, "To Lee!"

Lee grunts in approval, "To me, bitch." Cheers were heard around the table, and then they tucked in.

Twilight happily munched on her lasagna, "Wow, I forgot how great Linguine's... was. Is this pasta still frozen?"

"They have the most awesome sandwiches!" Rainbow Dash said while chewing on her daisy and pesto on Italian bread.

Rarity cringed at her table manners, "Chew with your mouth closed, dear." Rarity looked to Lee next, "How are you enjoying your alfredo, Lee?"

No response came from Lee, only silence. He was staring at his plate of alfredo with a look of sheer contempt. Something was about to go very, very wrong.

Spike nudges Lee, "Are you okay? You sorta just zoned out."

Lee pointed at his plate, "Are there oats and f*cking flowers in this?"

Applejack raised an eyebrow, "Well, what else didja' expect to be in pasta asides the noodles?"

Lee slammed his fist down on the table, "I expected not to be given RABBIT FOOD. Where's the damn MEAT?!"

A collective gasp rose from the entire restaurant. Some dropped whatever they were holding, others swooned, and the rest ran away.

"Uh, it'd be a bad idea to mention that here, hun'." Applejack whispered to Lee.

Fluttershy cringed in shock and fear, beginning to inch away from Lee, "You... eat cute little animals as food?"

Twilight Sparkle sighed as she remembered an important piece of information, "That's right, I forgot that humans are omnivorous."

Spike snickered, "Remember when I was that weird dog, and you ate that bur—" before being promptly gagged by Twilight's hoof.

Twilight gave her attention back to the angered human.

She tried to break the news as softly as possible, "Sorry about that, Lee. As you can see, Ponyville, and most of Equestria, for that matter, has a manly herbivorous diet. Meaning that meat is sorta hard to get around here... heh heh..."

Lee shakily put his hands on his head, "So what you're telling me... is that I won't ever be able to consume delicious and nutritious meat ever again? And that I'm stuck eating cakes and flowers and sh*t?"

He didn't even give Twilight a chance to answer.

"That... " He jumped from his chair, and released the beast we all know and love, IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!"

"But... why would you ever want to eat cute animal friends!" Fluttershy cried, on the verge of tears.

"Because they're F*CKING delicious! You ever had this gift from God?! Deer, squirrel, rabbit, BEEF, I've had it all! Mmmmm, it's all yummy in MY F*CKING TUMMY!"

Fluttershy's dam of liquid sadness instantly broke, showering Applejack and Rainbow in tears, ruining their dashes at the same time.

Finally, Linguine arrived to see to the chaos Lee had caused.

"Hey!" He shouted in his incredibly forced Italian accent, "Why are you making so much of the ruckus! I'm tired of this pink one always bringing the ruckus everytime she come!"

Twilight raised her hooves, "He's just not used to Equestrian fare!" Twilight quickly answered, "And to be fair, his alfredo does look very overcooked, I'm pretty sure this isn't real cheese, my lasagna tastes half frozen, our food took a little too long to get here, AND the ambience of this place can't seem to decide what it wants... I'm kind of a restaurant buff, sorry." Lee found it nice that she tried to defend him. She might get a fist-bump later.

Linguine snorted, "Oh, believe me I can tell, I heard ze everything! He's one of those meat-eating-monsters!"

Lee gave him a funny look, "Hey..."

"I should have never let you ponies bring this monster to my restaurant!" then Linguine directed his tirade towards Pinkie, "And then there's you. My restaurant used to be a place with the quiet, with the honor, with the class... but every time YOU COME, YOU make my baby more and more like the foal's playground! Can't you see that nobody wants you here?!"

Pinkie deflated under the harsh words and sank low into her seat.

"I SAID, HEY!"

Linguine gave him the attention he asked for, along with an insult, "WHAT?! What is it you stupid, ugly monster!"

Lee did a double take, and balled his fists up, "THE F*CK YOU SAY TO ME?!?!"

"You heard me, mon--"

WHAM!

The force of Lee's tackle sent the two skittering across the restaurant and flying straight Linguine's kitchen door. Lee got up, brushed himself off, and received a disgusting revelation. A rodent was standing on the counter before him, a chef's hat strapped to its head. It innocently squeaked and went back to its duty.

The kitchen was run by rats. The chefs, the dish wipes, the vegetable cutters, they were all rats.

He grabbed a rat that was boiling sauce and ran back into the restaurant.

He presented the rat to the patrons, shouting. "RATS ARE COOKING YOUR FOOD!!! THIS N*GGA'S GOT RATS, COOKING THE FOOD THAT YOU F*CKING EAT!!!"

Everypony either vomited or left the restaurant screaming. Rarity on the other hand, threw her food aside and began muttering to herself, talking about how vileness had pervaded her insides. What did Lee do? He flipped tables, yelling 'YOLO' repeatedly.

Lee looked back at Linguine's moaning figure, still plastered to the kitchen floor, and flipped him off, "You just got punk'd, B*TCH!"

Lee crab-walked back to his friend-ponies. "I take back that 'thank you'."

Everyone laughed or rolled their eyes, even Fluttershy had stopped crying.

Lee took notice of this, "So you don't care that I bite the heads off of fuzzy little animals? Well, I'm not Ozzy Osbourne, I don't bite their heads off, but you get the point."

"Well, Twilight explained to me that your species diet is omnivorous, like bears!" Fluttershy reasoned, "So if I think about you like an animal, then it's alright...!... is that okay?"

"No, but whatever floats your boat and whatever stops that f*cking crying. I mean... just... damn."

Spike belched, "Excuuuse me. I guess the rats didn't bother me!"

Everyone simply said, "Ewwww..."

Spike shrugged and started to walk to the exit, "Hey, it's all about... uh... guys? Something's up with Linguine."

"SIT DOWN dragon whelp!" grumbled an entirely different and guttural voice from Linguine's body.

The dragon whelp did just that, but everypony rose in alarm.

Linguine's form shakily stood up, his limbs bending in unnatural ways, bone cracking and rearranging, bulging through his greasy coat, and his eyes as hollow as a lifeless scarecrow.

His head creaked towards the ponies and smiled, "What's wrong? You look as if you've seen a monster?"

"Linguine," Twilight asks cautiously, "what's going on?"

The rats began to creep out of the kitchen and surround Linguine, "I'LL tell you what's going on! You all ruined, EVERYTHING!!! MY BUSINESS IS WORTHLESS NOW!!!"

"What the f*ck did you think was gonna happen? What kind of a stupid business uses rats as 90% of the staff?!" Lee retorts.

The rats were starting to crawl onto Linguine in masses, "Do you realize how LONG it took to build all this reputation, all this trust from these stupid ponies?!?!"

That was when all the rats literally poured into his mouth. They raced, clawed, and climbed over one another, fighting to clamber into the ever-expanding and unhinging mouth of the monstrous proprietor.

Lee almost vomited in disgust, as did the rest of his crew. Linguine's body took a series of convulsions as it morphed into something completely different. Linguine's skin began to sprout multiple tiny hairs, tearing through his former flesh and coat as his true form ripped through his old body. Two enormous,yellow, rotten fangs blistered through his mouth, the weight of the teeth causing his head to dip towards the ground.

He was a giant, disgusting, patchy, mangy, rat.

"I waited SO long, SO patiently. AND NOW YOU'VE RUINED IT ALL!"

This was too much for the hero.

"F*CK THIS SH*T." Lee yelled as he ran out the door, leaving the other ponies dumbstruck by his sudden act of cowardice.

Rainbow ground her teeth and flapped into the air, "That coward, even Fluttershy didn't run!"

"Why would I run from a giant rat? It's ten times the cuteness!" Fluttershy cheered, "Although he is a bit smelly... and mangy... and evil."

Applejack, showing no fear, sauntered closer to the smelly beast, "What the hay are you, anyway?!"

Linguine cackled, sending his putrid breath wafting into everypony's face, "I'll go ahead and explain. I'm one of the last Virats!"

"Virats..." Twilight muttered, "Wait! I remember hearing about them!" Twilight charged to the forefront, along Applejack's side, "They were like the Windigoes, except they grew stronger off the sick and bad health of ponies. The latest mention of them was sometime after Equestria was founded, but before Discord's defeat. Our medical fields became so advanced through magic, they were almost never heard from again!"

"Correct, Twilight!" Linguine applauded, "Everything is true. I am one of the last... but I've been waiting. I created this restaurant, to gain the trust and popularity of the ponies here. I would eventually poison every last one of them through the the Nightmare Night Feast. Once I did, I would have grown stronger, and more Virats would spring forth! "

Spike raised an eyebrow, "Why didn't you just poison the water supply?"

"Because..!" the Virat scratched his chin with a dirty claw, "My therapist was right... I do overlook the easy answer."

Rarity gasped dramatically, "You, monster!!!" but then she laughed, "Of course, your plans are ruined now, and we didn't even have to do anything! So, what does it matter?"

Linguine sneered, "You think I wouldn't have a plan B? I'll just convert my body into ten-thousand rats filled with the most vile disease, and scatter them across Equestria! I will die in the process...... but it will be—"

SCREEEEEEECH CRAAAAASSH

Lee's Altima blasted through the building, colliding with Linguine the Virat, and squishing him between the walls. Luckily, he didn't splatter guts or any other bodily material that would have been a pain to clean. He simply dissipated into an unpleasant, green smog.

Lee walked out of his car, turns to his Ponyville friends, tossed two middle fingers, and stated a fact, "LEE NEWSOM, I'M A F*CKING LEGEND!"

Dear Princess Celestia,
Tonight we held a Welcome-to-Ponyville-Dinner for Lee at Stringy Linguine's. I'm not exactly sure about what I learned there. Lee went a bit cuckoo over the Equestrian diet, and then he found out that the place was being run by rats. A Virat to be exact. I'll report the details of that later.

Here is what I've sorta learned. While someone may treat you roughly, and may constantly throw insults your way, that does not mean they don't care about you. Friends care for each other, no matter what. I still have a lot of trouble understanding him, of course. I only hope we can be better friends.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Luna,
I can't believe I'm f*cking doing this sh*t... anyways, I'm supposed to tell you what I learned about friendship or somethin' gay like that. I'll tell you what I learned, to watch what I eat here. I almost ate a flower in my f*cking pasta. Okay, I gotta be serious, Uh... I learned that while these ponies come off as uppity, know-it all, illogical, inbred, sheltered, liberal, and completely lame douchebags, they are actually pretty nice considering they bought me dinner and shit.... even though I almost ate a flower cooked by rats. Yeah, you heard me, THEY HAD RATS COOKING THE F*CKING FOOD. Anyways I'll see your full-moon-ass later.

The Legend,

Lee Newsom

The Earth Pony poured over the ancient tomes laid out before her. It was difficult to find books like these in such a discreet manner. Luckily, this library was known for keeping things on the down low... although the seedy scene left much to be desired.

She muttered to herself as she traced each line of the browned, crackly pages of forbidden literature. She had been searching for days, and she felt that maybe she would never find what she was looking for. But he wouldn't lie to her, she knew that. He would never lie.

Never.

"A-hah!" she silently cheered.

There it was, the page she had been searching for. On the awaited leaf was a macabre picture of a roving band of rotting scum, pillaging and plundering villages in an endless assault of bloodlust. Written above the display in crimson lettering, were the words, "THE ONCOMING HORDE." The following pages were all the necessary rites and practices regarding the picture. She ripped the necessary pages from the priceless book and stuffed it down into the pouch that hung at her saddle.

"I found it, I found it!" she spoke to the voice that so often lulled her to wander, "But, what now, what is the next step?"

Finally, the voice that she loved so much slithered back into her mind, "Ga..... ther the rest.... of the children.

"We ... need more."

"And then, will it be enough?" she excitedly whispered, "Will we rise then?"

"... In due time.

"In time."

Author's Notes:

Well, this chapter was a bit of a doozy to write. I had some trouble with the pestilence spirit name, and I wasn't even going to go in that direction, at first. However, I thought the monster aspect was cool to add.

Please comment and rip into this fic!

*author from the future* Yeah, I'm going back and fixing stuff. A loooot of problems now I look back. Bear with me, please, and keep reading.