Four Changelings lazily buzzed through a thick, choking bog full of suffocating scents and other unpleasant things. They had long since lost track of the days they have wandered through the swamp, and at this point, they could care less about any orders. Unfortunately, drones were not allowed to resist orders or have much of any real free will of their own. Griping about seemingly pointless and stupid missions looked to be fine, at least.

"What are we even looking for?" groaned a particularly exhausted drone.

The worn leader of the scouting party squinted as he scanned the swamp, "We're searching for powerful, arcane, dark magic. We've already been briefed on this by the Queen."

"Then why haven't we found any trace it yet..." muttered another one, "how do we even know if it's here. Maybe it's not even real..?"

The leader growled, "The Queen said she sensed an incredibly strong dark magic in this swamp, so it must be here. And if the Queen wants it, we shall fetch it."

"Sensed?!" the formerly exhausted Changeling zipped to the party's forefront, "That's the most useless tracking method ever! Some ultimate, evil, warlord alien, or even Tirek, could have just passed some gas that floated all the way from Tartarus and landed here! That magic gas would have been more than enough for our Queen's 'magic sense' to go off!"

"LOOK, I know this is stupid," the leader tried to reason, "but we can't just.... hey, what's that?"

The scouting party fixed their eyes on a mysterious, bipedal figure near a gnarled tree in the distance. It was standing particularly close to the tree in a strange posture, and the sound of running water trickled over the bog's regular droning.

The Changeling leader smirked, baring his razor sharp fangs, "I think we found something, boys."

"So what you're telling me, is that I'm in a land full of talking magical ponies—"

"—and dragons!"

"—and dragons... And that you have Princesses—not a queen or any sensible democracy—who raises the sun and moon every day and night. And that you, and five other ponies, beat up evil douches with the power of friendship."

Twilight smiled, thinking that Lee finally understood the situation at hand considering she had to stop and explain every little detail that Lee did not agree with. "That's correct! I'm so glad you finally—"

"Bullshit." Lee retorted.

Twilight frowned, "What?"

Lee sat on the town square's fountain's edge, and cleared his throat before speaking, "I said, that I call bullshit."

Before Lee arrived, Ponyville had been having a perfectly normal, bright and sunny day. The Pegasi's weather patrol had gone without a single sighting of a stray storm cloud, the produce was producing unblemished delights at fair prices, and no ancient evil had graced the town's citizens.

That peace all went to Hell when Lee's speeding Altima nearly killed five ponies. (he had tried to defend himself by stating that their eyes were not even open) To make matters even more chaotic, Lee would screech vulgarities at anypony that came close, causing most of the pony-population to either give him the evil-eye or tremble in fear.

It was a good thing Twilight and friends happened to be in the area. The Elements of Harmony had significant contact with strange, perilous creatures and odd situations. Twilight herself had worn the skin of the newcomer's species, and traveled to its world some time in the past. This past adventure had assured the civilian ponies that the Elements could handle the volatile creature. The Elements would kindly welcome and explain the situation, soothing the beast's fiery tirade.

But no amount of knowledge, caution, experience, or even magic, could prepare them for Lee Edward Newsom.

Twilight looked to her friends helplessly and back to Lee, "But... why?! Just look around you! Everything I'm telling you is obviously true, it makes no logical sense to deny it!"

Lee laughed loudly at her confusion, and quickly resumed his frown, "Don't you f*cking dare to use logic! YOU have no logic. Why the HELL would you call your ruler A PRINCESS?! A female ruler is a MOTHERHUMPING QUEEN!"

"Well that's obvious!" the rainbow-ed douchebagette called Rainbow Dash huffed, "That's because... um... wait... why do we call her Princess anyway, Twilight?"

"Because... um..." Twilight muttered, deep in thought. "I don't really--"

"Oh ho ho," Lee interrupted, "I ain't done yet. Illogical item number two: what parents would give their children retarded names like Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, and Applejack!" He pointed a finger at the orange earth pony, "YOU'RE NAMED AFTER A F*CKING CEREAL!"

Applejack grunted in annoyance at his accusing finger, "I don't take kindly to folks makin' fun o' the name mah'—"

"SHUT the f*ck up, I AM from the South, and I know we don't sound that stupid!"

Rarity had to restrain the indignant farmer with a hoof, otherwise even more ugliness would break loose.

Twilight's patience was running thin with this angry human, but she knew that coating magic flames on his tongue would be the opposite of what her friendship lessons taught her.

She rolled her eyes as she tried to find some possible clarity to impart, "If I'm lying, then what do you suppose this aaaaaaalll is?"

Lee stood back up and walked toward Big Mac, squinting and inspecting every inch of his placid face, "I'm unconscious in the hospital, high off my balls on morphine, and this is all a stupid dream. Here, I'll prove it!" Before the ponies could ask what he meant, Lee cocked his leg back and kicked the innocent farmpony in his progeny.

The pain of crushed fritters was too much for Big Mac, and he crumpled to the ground, writhing in agony while mumbling, "Nnnope...!"

Half of the ponies gasped in shock, the other half laughed, and Applejack comforted her big brother as he cradled his possibly obliterated testicles while shooting a murderous glare at the kicking-offender. Lee took a step back from the crime, a dawning realization slowly penetrating his stubborn skull.

Lee frowned profusely and shook his head, "Holy shit, I.... felt that. ALL of that. I'm... Oh man, I'm so sorry about that dude. I.. uh, someone get a pack of ice." He took his eyes to the scared equines, the cartoonish colors of the town, and finally, to the blue skies above, raising his arms at the majesty of it all. "Looks like this land full of magical ponies with gay-ass names is.... real."

Lee brought his arms down and balled his fists as a vein congested and threatened to burst near his temple. He found himself crashed into the world of ponies and sunshine, filled with all sorts of wondrous fantasies and fancy princesses, a premise he had seen far too often in books and movies. The land of man, Taco Bells, tanks and Hitlers was in some other reality now. A reality missing a piece of its existence.

This unavoidable fact forced Lee to accept the truth and ask Twilight the question that similar fictions often led to, "The question is, what the F*CK am I supposed to do now?!"

Twilight winced from his volume, putting a protective hoof to her ear, "Spike already sent a letter to Princess Celestia, she should be here any minute now. Then we can decide what to do from there."

"Waaaaaaiiit!" exclaimed the pink babbler named Pinkie Pie at an unnecessarily high decibel, "I just have one teensy-weensy question for you."

"What?"

"What does 'f*ck', 'shit', 'bitch', aaand 'bullshit' mean?"

Twilight levitated a dictionary out of her saddlebag, and looked up the according words, "Well, I can't find bullshit. But the definition for the rest of these words had nothing to do with Lee's sentences. I don't get the point of using them." Everypony but Twilight and Pinkie face-hoofed at their innocence. Even Spike whistled uncomfortably.

The innocence was so pure it was stupid.

A smile grew on Lee's face, and he knelt closer to the two, untouched souls, "You two don't know what curse words are, do you?"

Twilight frowned and raised an eyebrow, "You mean like a spell?"

"I am gonna have soooo much fun screwin' with y'all."

Then the hairs on Lee's neck stood on end. Before Lee had even seen the chariots, he had known that something powerful was nearby. It was a feeling akin to being near the low hum of a giant generator of electricity, or some great machine full of mechanics and processes that he could not understand. Instead of sound, he felt the air grow heavy and saturated with some underlying energy that he was now aware of, surrounding and coiling around and inside everything. Lee noticed that none of the other ponies seemed to notice the change in presence, but they would have been used to the feeling due to the fact that they have been swimming in it since birth.

The sound of trumpets filled the sky above the ponies and the volatile human. Lee looked to the source of the music to see an ornate, golden chariot pulled by Pegasi guards descending to the ground. The entire scene looked to Lee like something out of an epic or Bible verse: two entities of magnificent power, descending from the heavens in a gilded chariot pulled by Pegasi in gleaming armor, passing over the sun so that the star framed the entire scene, all ready to meet the hero with fanfare and glory.

Lee immediately noticed how much taller the two ponies sitting in the chariot were than the rest. Judging from the presence of wings, horns, and a heavenly descent, Lee assumed that these two ponies must have been Princess Celestia and Luna.

The two Alicorns stepped out of the chariot, wings spread wide and heads high in display. Celestia was bearing nothing but a motherly smile, showing her welcoming nature and eagerness to establish peace with him, while Luna held a calculating frown and creased brow, analyzing Lee like some unknown and possibly dangerous foreigner. As the two approached the human, everyone instantly hushed their whispering to give a deep bow in reverence.

From the moment he saw those rulers land, he knew that despite all looks, these were creatures beyond his current understanding. The very power that radiated from their presence was more than enough for Lee to feel dwarfed and very weak. Beings of such power obviously deserved a deep respect to be shown by all who encounter them.

Of course Lee did not show the same respect. Instead, he dropped his pants to reveal his compression shorts, and gave a middle finger for each of the princesses. "I will not bow down to your pagan godesses, SUCKADICK!"

The crowd's reaction was a universal gasp and a bit of swooning. Celestia's jaw dropped through the floor and touched upon some buried civilization, and Luna cocked her head to the side in a crooked grimace, as if she was somewhat prepared for this.

Lee quickly pulled his pants up and smiled, "Naw I ain't gonna do that. So, what up?"

Luckily, Spike warned the two rulers of Lee's vulgar language in the so there wouldn't be too much of a reaction... although he did not account for the pants dropping.

The princesses shook out of their shock to answer the mischievous being. Celestia retracted her jaw from the rubble extended a hoof, "Greetings, Lee Newsom. Has everything been alright since your arrival in Equestria? My ponies tell me that you're entrance was a bit... shaky."

Lee sighed and kicked at the loose stones in the brickwork, "It's been okay, I guess. I kicked that Big Mac dude in the balls to make sure this wasn't a dream. I feel pretty bad about that." A groan from the injured stallion verified his claims. "Oh yeah, I also lost my friend when I got here. You see a brown dude runnin' around somewhere? He probably flipped his shit too. Hell, he probably kicked someone in the balls too."

Luna raised an eyebrow and tilted her head up, "You kicked a citizen where my moon does not shine to assure reality?"

Lee waved his hands, as if to swat the matter aside, "Yeah, but that's not important. What matters, is where the Hell Gurkirt is!"

Celestia smiled, finally able to find some common ground in the dealing of friendships, "Is that you're friend's name? Gukruut?"

"No, it's Gurkirt."

Celestia frowned, "Gurkit?"

Lee closed his eyes and exhaled loudly, "No, dammit! It's Gurkirt!"

"..... Gertrude?"

Lee grabbed a clump of his hair, "SON OF A B*TCH, That's not even close! Sound it out. Say Grr. Like a fierce growl, meow."

"Grr?" Celestia sounded.

"Now say kirt. Like 'curt' as in curtain."

"Kirt." Celestia says tentatively.

"All-together now!"

"Gurkirt!" Celestia happily shouted.

Lee sighed in relief, "Good, now I don't have to give you an anal-falcon-punch."

Luna squinted at him, "Excuse me, what is an, 'anal-falcon-punch'?"

"You don't wanna know!" Pinkie meeped from behind Fluttershy's mane.

Celestia returned to the question at hand, seeing as how the conversation was already starting to go nowhere fast. "To answer your question, no, we have not seen your friend, Gurkirt." She seemed to relish the correct pronunciation with a wide smile. "But I will send a search party for him. Assuming he is in this world, he would be very hard to miss."

Lee was pleased by this cooperation. He was still on top, he is still a boss. Now he doesn't feel the need to curl up into the fetal position and stew in his churning depression.

That was when Luna brought forth another important question. "Lee the human, are you aware of how you were brought into this world?" she looked to Celestia next, "The only passage between our worlds is the Crystal Mirror in the Crystal Kingdom, is it not?"

"Before I get lost in vague information that'll just piss me off, again," Lee interjected, "can I go ahead and explain?"

Celestia chuckled, "Yes, please do."

The repeating of already known information is redundant for the reader. Therefore Lee went ahead and explained the circumstances without the need to state every last bit again. This is also the first time everyone else heard his unbelievable and incredibly unfortunate happenings in the human world.

Celestia and Luna stared at him, mouth agape. The pure absurdity left the two, and everypony else, momentarily speechless. The entire situation was too unreal for everybody.

Luna managed to find some words on the matter, "This all happened in the span of two hours...?" she shook her head, "By the night..."

Celestia reigned the conversation back from more possible pointlessness, "So you believe that book was the cause of your arrival?"

Lee shrugged, "Well, when I think back, it only makes sense that the screaming, glowing, possibly Satanic book had something to do with it. I mean, what the f*ck else could it be?"

"Do you recall the name of this book?" Celestia asks.

Lee thought back to the moment Gurkirt revealed the accidentally stolen book."Yeah... it was the Necronomicon or something stupid like that. I dont know, I'm pretty sure it's fake. It looked like a cheap movie prop."

Luna put a hoof on her chin, "And that translates to the Book of the Dead?"

Lee took on a smile, happy that some piece of the puzzle could be filled, "That's good, so you know what it is?"

"Not at all."

"Damn it."

"The book is not stirring anything in my memory for me either," Celestia began to explain, pacing around the human as she thought, "however, since the book brought you here, then it is entirely possible that it would be the very tool to bring you back."

Lee suddenly clapped his hands, startling the ponies around him, "Good, now we're using some DAMN GOOD LOGIC! Even though the fact that you're called Princesses when you should be called queens makes no logical sense."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing. So how long do you think it will take to find that stupid book?"

Celestia conversed with Luna for a few seconds before answering.

She had a doubtful look on her face, "We don't know. The Necronomicon you described could be absolutely anywhere."

Lee slowly frowned as a nostril flared, "So you're telling me, that until we find that stupid book, which could be anywhere and could take years, I'm stuck here?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

There was a pause in Lee's mind, body, and soul. A special sort of pause. The sort of pause, the sort of silence, that is used to prepare for whatever happens next. A brief pause in space and time. Lee looked to the sky and unleashed the torrent building behind the pause.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—"

After Lee's explosion of despair, he was quickly taken to Sugarcube Corner with the Elements and the two rulers. Sugarcube Corner: a sweets shop for sugary comfort that would probably give anyone a heart attack after two consecutive visits. However, Lee did not seem to care, as he ate an entire chocolate cake and a tub of ice cream before washing it down with a large milkshake.

Applejack, or Breakfast, as Lee liked to call her, voiced her concern, "Uh, Sugarcube? Are ya sure ya should be eatin' all that?"

"It's my cheat-day, so I don't give a shit."

Celestia cleared her throat to get Lee's attention as he demolished a piece of cookie pizza. Lee looked up from his desolation, his face smudged with chocolate, "Huh?"

Celestia levitated a napkin and wiped his mouth before speaking, "There is still one important item we haven't addressed."

Lee quickly stifled a burp, "And what's that Princess who should be called Queen?"

"Where you will be staying in Ponyville, of course."

Lee wore his deep frown once more and slammed his fist down on the table "Oh shit I haven't even thought about that."

"Oh oh OOOH!" Pinkie pipped as she bounced to Lee's side, "Is Lee gonna stay with me? I'd love to give a place to stay to my new friend because I wanna do everything with my new friends! We'll play together eat together sing together dance together and bathe together and sleep together!" Then she gave Lee a big ol' squeeze.

"For the love of Christ," Lee plead to Celestia with the blankest of expressions, "don't do this to me."

Celestia chuckled at his expressionless horror, "Don't worry you won't be rooming here. The Cake's only available room is used by their new foals."

Pinkie Pie's mane and face deflated, "Awwwww..."

"You will be staying with my former apprentice, Princess Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight spat the tea she was drinking all over Pinkie, "What?!"

"Seriously, what was that for!" Pinkie cried as the tea soaked into her mane.

"This is your newest assignment as Princess," Celestia decreed with a might swoop of her hoof, "you will take in Lee Newsom until we can get him back home!"

"But, what about my Princess duties!" Twilight protested. "I may have finished my friendship reports, but there's still work to be done!"

Lee grimaced at the thought of the seemingly superfluous science, "Friendship reports? Sounds kinda gay."

"Yes, well now you... uh... will be making NEW friendship reports based on the findings from living with a new friend who is different in almost all aspects. I expect that the results will widen your perspectives as Princess." the somewhat rational explanation seemed to be enough for Twilight, and she relented. Celestia ducked away and wiped the sweat off her head forehead, silently congratulating herself for that last second solution.

"I'm not finished yet," Celestia turned to Lee, "as recompense for staying in Princess Twilight's home, you will also be writing reports on friendship, to record what you have learned while in Equestria. Except... you won't be writing to me, you will be writing to my sister, Luna."

Luna put aside her twelfth bowl of double-chocalate-fudge ice-cream, "What?"

"It would be redundant to write the same letters to me, would it not?" Celestia explained, "Besides, it is about time you had your own apprentice, don't you think?" she leaned in close to whisper into her sister's ear, "And it would probably take your mind off this troubling sweets addiction..."

The thought of having her very own student to teach and learn from did intrigue the Princess some time ago, but Luna never figured someone would even wantto learn from her, so she simply dismissed it. And she really did need to find some way to do something other than sneaking in Donut Joe's donuts through her window at night.

"I-I s-suppose," Luna stammered.

"Good," Lee scooted closer Luna, "I'm gonna write some real nasty shit too!"

Then Lee rose from his seat, swaggered over to Twilight, and put an arm around her neck, "Don't worry, you will soon realize how hilareal I am when you hang out with me."

Twilight frowned at the mention of the word. Her vocabulary was among the most extensive, yet she never heard this word in particular,

"'Hilareal'? What does that mean?"

"Real plus hilarious equals hilareal. I'm a f*cking legend."

"WOW! That's awesome!" Pinkie Pie agreed, her mane still sticky with sugar and tea, "I'm using that now!"

Lee pointed an accusing finger at her with a large scowl on his face, "HEY! THAT'S MY WORD, YOU BETTER NOT F*CKING USE IT!"

Everypony in Sugarcube Corner laughed heartily at his hilareal antics.

"HEY, I'M F*CKING SERIOUS ABOUT THAT SHIT!"

Sometime after the Princesses eventually returned to their castle in Canterlot, another strange discovery had been made. It was when Celestia scanned the Equestrian Census taken for last year, searching for two specific names.

"Why are you examining the Census, sister?" Luna asked Celestia.

"If you recall, Twilight and her friends had a human counterpart in Lee's world." Celestia explained. "I was looking for Lee and Gurkirt's counterparts in Equestria, so we could prevent them from meeting. If they did, it could cause something... well, I'm not sure, but I'd rather not deal with paradoxes if I have the option."

"A necessary precaution." Luna agreed.

"But, here is the strange thing, sister. I can't find their names, or anypony that remotely looks like them anywhere." Celestia rolled up the census, "It's almost as if, they only existed in that world..."

Luna was taken aback, "But, that's—"

"—completely impossible."

Deep in a dank, dark, and humid marsh he ran. He ran as fast as his legs could, which was not very fast. He kept a hand on his glasses, hoping that the motions would not shake off the precious spectacles. He swatted the buzzing gnats, and jumped over the massive snakes on the swampy floor. He ducked under looming, mangled branches and sloshed through muddy, bacteria infested waters. Those problems, however, were not of his concern.

He was worried about the Changelings flying after him. If they had a clear shot, they would fire a bolt of green energy, and judging from the effects it had on the life around him, he did not want to get hit. They were also quite sneaky, and could change into whatever living form they chose. Luckily, he was sneakier, and that's what kept him alive in the perilous bog.

Eventually, he had nowhere left to run to.

The swamp's vegetation abruptly ended, and what lay at its end was a vast expanse of steppes and arid lands dotted by a few lonely trees. The only way down to the wasteland was the long, sloping cliff at his feet. As he gazed down the dusty slopes, he heard a buzzing in the air behind him.

He looked back to see that the insect things had caught up, and they knew he had no other escape routes. They snickered as their hunt had finally drawn to an end. Then, to add to his predicament, a series of multiple, long, reptilian growls rose rose from the swamp.

The misplaced boy sized his options and picked the only one that could keep his run going. He removed his glasses, folded them, tucked them safely inside his jacket, jumped, and rolled down the sloping cliff face. The insect-things were too stunned to react in time, and angrily buzzed over the cliff face to find him, but they could not.

He peaked out from the rubble he had hidden under. The bottom of the cliff had rolled into a small dump for broken rocks... and the remains of skeletons... effectively hiding him from the predators. The insectoid flyers buzzed off in the opposite direction, and he breathed a sigh of relief. That was when he heard the familiar, reptilian growl. Whatever beast was up there before had followed him. He took his glasses from his pocket and polished the lens with his jacket before placing them back upon his nose.

He looked to the leather-bound book emblazoned contorted skull under his arm. He grimaced as it began to literally laugh at his situation.

"My life sucks."

Author's Notes:

DOUBLE CLIFFHANGER MOTHERF*CKAS

This chapter took a while and is pretty long, but it was necessary to lay foundation for what will happen in the future. Not as much, ALL CAPS RAGE, but more sarcasm, sardonity, and creativity with the profanity.

Did I just rhyme?