A shivering, quivering mass of slime in a forgotten place began to struggle. It had struggled many before, but each attempt held no fruit. Each time, it would submerge back into the murk in failure. This time, however, things were different. Why were things different? Perhaps the ooze had been biding its time and decided to use whatever stored power for one last try. Maybe the slime could have done the task all along.

The sentient ooze rose from the murk, stretching its sinewy bits towards the top before opening its once sealed lips, "Can.. anyone hear thi...?

"I was just wonder.. ...lone in here.

"I've been... ...so long. But I've found.. way to that place.

"I can see it now, but... ..time." A spurt of slime splashed from the murk as the semblance of a leg sloshed forward, stepping towards the dry, ashen ground.

"No one can stop me."

Twilight Sparkle trotted along the bricked paths of Ponyville streets, head held high, smile plastered on her face, and worries tossed to rot in some smelly gulch along with the rest of her writhing, nervous thoughts. How rare it was, for Equestria's new Princess, to have such a carefree attitude, free from the burden of the possibilities of her new, monumental duties. Every now and then, Twilight let the anxiety of her life pass straight through her mind, and fall into the aforementioned gulch, so she could enjoy a nice outing with the friends she's come to love so much in the quaint town.

"You seem to be in an especially good mood." Spike noted from his usual mount on Twilight's back.

Twilight glanced back at the dragon, pleasantly grinning, "And what makes you say that?"

"Well, you're way bouncier than usual. I've fallen off five times already!" Twilight looked down to realize that the Spike's voice was now coming from her side, the young drake having to run alongside her, "And you're doing that weird thing where you're walking and smiling with your eyes closed."

"Walking and smiling with my eyes closed...?" Twilight asked in a faltering tone.

"Yeah! And it's not just you, I've seen, like, four other ponies doing the same thing! Half of them ran into a wall."

"Hm." Twilight wondered, eyes fully open now, "I should probably avoid doing that from now on."

Spike hurried his pace to keep up with Twilight's substantially longer legs, "Speaking of which, how the hay are we breaking into musical numbers at a moment's notice! It's almost like—"

"—Spike," Twilight shook her head, "I've been on this road, and it only ended in baffle-induced-immolation. Just roll with it."

Spike rolled his eyes and jumped back onto Twilight's back, keeping a tighter grip than before, "Fine... let's just hurry up and get to Sugar Cube Corner with everypony else."

"Oh, Spike," Twilight laughed, "you need to learn to let go of the small things and just... relax!"

Spike sighed, "Yup, I'm the one who needs to learn."

Twilight giggled at her assistant's sarcasm, truly nothing could disrupt....

... and then she felt it.

She felt the great, thrumming pulse cut through time and space, causing everything else in the world to seize and go silent as the unnatural wave slithered across existence, branding the invasive feeling of wrongness and impossibility that words cannot exactly describe without looking like rambling nonsense. The feeling was akin to when one feels a medicine or procedure occur. Something similar to a forced change that will go unnoticed in no time.

"Twilight?" Spike's sudden call snapped the Alicorn out of her trance.

Twilight swept her surroundings with wide eyes, turning her head this way and that, as if she was searching for the source of that strange feeling.

But nothing. Nothing other than the happy ponies of Ponyville, going about their day doing pony things.

Spike tapped Twilight's horn, "You alright?"

Her smile quickly returned, any memory of the ominous event quickly forgotten, "Perfectly fine! Just felt like my brain had a... cramp. Whatever that means..."

Spike grimaced, "That's what happens when you stay up all night writing fanf... say, do you hear that?"

One of Twilight's ears flopped towards the growing, rumbling noise, "It kinda sounds like..."

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH

The speeding Nissan Ultima squealed a sharp turn into a busy highway, carrying an adrenaline-pumped driver and a regretful passenger.

Was the passenger's discontent because of the law-breaking speeds and insane maneuvers performed by the driver? The answer to that is no. The passenger had gotten used to his friend's fast driving a long time ago. So, why was the passenger so regretful, and why exactly was the driver brimming with testosterone? The answer could have something to do with the police, the Yakuza, and the Cult of Cthulhu speeding after them, hungry for their blood.

Some background is in order. After all, using vague adjectives and nouns is no way to address the heroes. The driver of this car is a young Lee Newsom, seventeen years of age, a junior in high school. Lee also really, really, hates math.

The passenger is the bespectacled Gurkirt Cheema, but Lee affectionately refers to him as "The Indian", or "Sand Monkey". He's sixteen years old, and is also a junior at the same school. He also really, really, hates math, except he is academically adept at it.

But the only question that was ringing in of their heads was...

"How did things go so HORRIBLY wrong, so fast?!" the Indian's thin arms clutched at his head, trying to make sense of the impossible matter at hand.

Lee's muscular arm swept the steering wheel left and right as he weaved through the racing traffic, all while keeping an eye on the incredibly angry pursuers, "I don't know, probably when you KICKED that cop in the throat!"

Gurkirt threw his hands up in the air, "You think I MEANT to kick that civil pig? You know how my reflexes are when someone grabs me from behind!"

"F*CK YOU and your REFLEXES!"

Gurkirt snorted as the police finally started their sirens. "Well, maybe they wouldn't have been after us, if you didn't, I dunno, go SIXTY MILES over the speed limit... next to a police station."

"Wait," Lee contorted his lips and furrowed his brow, "why didn't I just stop and take the ticket again?"

Gurkirt thought for a second, then snapped his fingers as he recalled. "Don't you remember, we were trying not to get gunned down after we accidentally crashed the Oyabun's daughter's wedding."

Then they both stopped to think about that particular incident.

"How the Hell did we do that?!" Lee exclaimed.

That was when they heard gunshots peppering the air, streaming lead onto the black pavement and asphalt. Isn't that wonderful? Nothing like a good old-fashioned bullet rain from the police and a certain criminal organization to snap you back to reality.

"How did ANY of this happen," Gurkirt checked his watch, "we were going to the damn Taco Bell only two hours ago!"

Lee bellowed out the open window, "I didn't come back from footbal practice for this f*ckery, this is just BULLSHIT!!!" He quickly pulled his head back inside to evade a whistling bolt. "Can you tell me why the Cult of Cthulhu wants us, and why the F*CK they're using crossbows?!"

Gurkirt's eyes widened as he pulled a leather bound book from the back seat. On the cover was a skull crafted from the malformed leather, bearing an expression of pure fear. "Probably because I accidentally took their holy book while we were at the library." He read out the name on the spine, "'The Necronomicon', huh? It doesn't even look real, it looks like that book from the Evil Dead movie."

Lee gave Gurkirt a look of profound, 'are you serious?'.

Gurkirt simply shrugged, "I'll be honest, I can't really explain this one."

Lee shook his head with disgust and raced on, running another red light at an intersection. It seemed to be a combination of Lee's driving skills and dumb luck that had kept them from being caught for the past hour, but that luck was about to run out.

About forty yards down the highway, a roadblock had been set up by the police, sealing off all available exits for our very, very unfortunate, seemingly cursed, intrepid heroes.

Now, here is why Lee could not hit the brakes, and why this situation was so bad: the Yakuza nor the Cult of Cthulhu showed no sign of stopping. The Cult would go through anything for their holy book (which was pretty stupid because they probably have more than one copy), and the Yakuza was driven by a vindictive bride sporting a rocket launcher.

Lee nudged Gurkirt, "Hey, how do you even KNOW that's the Yakuza?"

"It's simple. I don't." Gurkirt snorted, "I mean, now that I think about it, there were a loooot of white guys there and not many Asians. I guess I'm just a dirty racist bastard."

Lee squinted, "So is that just a crazy bitch with a rocket launcher..?"

"I assume so, considering that she's not slowing down."

The CPD's repeated orders to stop did not seem to process through the two maniacal groups' minds, nor did the roadblock they would obviously have to stop for at one time or another.

"Lee..." Gurkirt said as the bride primed the destructive machine, "are we going to die?"

Lee looked into the rear-view mirror to see the missile take off.

He gripped Gogurt's shoulder, sighed, and nodded once, "Probably." Then he rolled down the window, slammed the accelerator, and cried, "BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUUUU—!!"

As Lee gave his final cry, something strange happened. Something that would begin the wonders, adventure, and agonizing misery that would now pursue their lives.

How could the fools have known of the extent of pain that would come from the seemingly random order of events? How would they know that these events were not as random as they believed? Finally, how would they know that this is where fate decided they would part ways for months yet to come?

The stolen Necronomicon chuckled. The leather skull on the cover twisted back and forth in unbridled laughter and began to glow red.

Gurkirt and Lee gave the laughing book blanching stares, open mouths, and awe.

They both said, "What now?!"

The skull stopped laughing, turned its glowing eye sockets towards the two, and opened its mouth wide enough to swallow a small dog.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!"

What did the two do in response? They screamed of course.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH—"

Their cry of terror was drowned out by the shrieking skull, and then the world fell away around them like broken pieces of pottery, leaving an inky black nothingness. With a flash of light and the sound of ripping fabric, they disappeared, escaping the missile and leaving a very confused, crazy bitch with an illegal weapon. Then the CPD yanked her out of the car, threw her on the ground, and cuffed her.

"—aaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

The light disappeared, and the world reappeared around the driver of the speeding Altima. The sedan hit the new-found dirt road and sped precariously along the strange town. Freakish, four-legged creatures of painfully vibrant colors dove out of Lee's way as he struggled to reduce the high speeds without flipping the car over. Some of the poor beasts were thrown over the car in the panic, due to the fact that they had been walking along, smiling with closed eyes.

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

The Altima squealed to a halt just in front of a stone fountain, streaming a cloud of white smoke and dispersing the scent of burnt rubber through the town.

Lee took deep and heavy breaths, attempting to reign himself in after the series of incredible events. "Gurkirt... what the f*ck just happened?" but he had received no response from his smaller Brown Buddy...

"... yo, Gurkirt?" because he had disappeared, along with the banshee of a book. Lee looked at the floor of the car and the backseat for his missing friend. He had gone without so much as a curry stain!

Lee gave a shaky sigh and held his head in his hands, trying to process what had just occurred.

"I need to stretch..." he muttered with a groan.

Lee opened the car door and stepped out to have a great big stretch; hopefully, the relieving action would bring some clarity to his mind.

"Are you alright?"

Lee yawned and turned to the speaker, "Yeah, it's just..." Lee's eyelids contracted and an open-mouth frown creased his face.

The purple, four-legged creature squinted, "Do you need to lie down or something...?"

The only word he could utter was, "What?"

That was when a four-legged thing with a rainbow trail soared towards his frozen figure.

It stopped to flap its wings in place above the purple creature, "What IS that thing? It was SOOOO FAST! Well, not faster than me, of course."

Again, the only thing Lee could say was, "What?"

Something walked out from behind the purple-thing; it looked like a bipedal lizard with green frills and eyes just as large as the other creatures.

The reptile gasped, "Twilight, he's one of those hairless apes from when we crossed that mirror!"

The purple-thing named Twilight cocked its head to the side, "I know, Spike, I'm just trying to figure out how he got here, and why he didn't turn into a pony like how I turned into one of his kind... I should tell Princess Celestia about this."

"What?!"

Another four-legged monstrosity jumped out of the bushes in a blur of pink energy. It bounced painfully close to Lee's personal space with a gaping look of wonder. It unhinged its mouth and unleashed a torrent of incoherent words too fast for him to understand. The only thing he could catch was something about new friends and gravy.

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, my, word!" shouted a white, four-legged demon, scanning his clothing with a slight cringe, "That shirt looks so horribly tight and small, don't you need a bigger size, dear?"

That remark was the last straw for Lee Edward Newsom.

"Alright, now, you can shut the f*ck up, it's a compression shirt, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SKINTIGHT."

All the four-legged devils stopped in their tracks, paralyzed by his sudden outburst, giving Lee time to express his emotions. "Now can someone tell me where I am, how I got here, and tell me whatever the F*CK y'all are supposed to be, before I GIVE AN ANAL FALCON PUNCH TO THIS WHITE BIMBO?!"

The Twilight leaned over to the lizard, "Spike, take a letter to Princess Celestia." then she turned to the enraged Lee, "And you better sit tight, because I have a lot of explaining to do."

The babbling pink beast innocently raised a hoof, "What's an anal falcon punch?"

"Shiny!" Princess Cadence suddenly cried out, harshly slicing the peace of the once-pleasant luncheon.

Shining Armor raised his head from his plate of various Crystal Empire delights, startled by his wife's random outburst, "Is something the matter, Cadence?"

Her heavy breaths were now slowing to a more calm rate, the sensation she had just felt slowly leaving, "I... did you feel that just now?"

"What do you mean?" Shining's eyes swept the perimeter of the dining hall, spotting nothing other than a few jumped maids.

"It was like..." the perplexed Princess rubbed her head, "... like something icky just slithered across my horn."

Shining grimaced, "Are you having horn gland problems again? I know that was a problem in high school, but it's nothing to be asham—"

"—NO!" Cadence slammed a hoof over her mouth, "I mean, no. It's not that, Shiny, it's just... ugh, nothing. I just hope that this doesn't foreshadow some horrible evil to assault Equestria, like these things tend to do."

"Hm?" Shining mumbled through a mouthful of crystal corn.

"Nothing." Cadence sighed and plopped her head down on the table, "It's not like this isn't gonna be a problem in the future at all, nooo, not a chance."

"I'll tell you what a problem is," Shining said with a shake of his head, "those incessant roars and blizzard storms north of the kingdom! Our soldiers keep complaining, and what the hay am I supposed to say, stab the snow?"

"I don't see what the problem is," Cadence droned, "it's just noises and snow. Plus, those blizzards don't even get close to the kingdom."

"Yeah, but the soldiers get scared."

"Really now? The soldiers do?"

"Yup."

Cadence rose from her seat and pushed her plate aside, "Well, I'm going to go for a walk. I'm not hungry anymore."

As the Crystal Princess clip-clopped away from the dinner table, a nearby Pegasus maid rushed forward, nearly tripping over her uniform, to collect the used dishes. This maid stood out from the others due to the fact that she was the only employee who had not happened to be a Crystal Empire native, and because of this, she was all to eager to please. After all, she couldn't afford to lose another job for the fourth time this month.

As she carefully lifted the plates with her wings, taking painstaking care not to drop them again, she heard the trickle of a voice caress her ear.

"Can.. anyone hear thi...?"

Author's Notes:

Yeeeaaah this is my first one. I actually got inspired from http://www.fimfiction.net/story/53873/60s-era-spiderman-goes-to-equestria. I told my friend, (who isn't a brony, I might add) about how ridiculous and awesome it was, and then I got the idea to make something hilarious and awesome with a vulgar douche as the main character. He said, "Dude. Do it." and I decided to do it. I understand it might be vulgar, but Lee tends to be very creative with cursing.
Please understand this is my first attempt to contribute something. But please, tear this to shreds if you like. This is meant to be ripped into because this story just won't give a f*ck.

This story is not a 'circle jerk' (that should be obvious) it is going to have an overarching story and coherent plotline.

EDIT: HOLY SHIT THERE'S A LOT OF GRAMMATICAL INCONSISTENCIES. I'm going back and fixing what I can. I feel many people are turned off by the first chapters, so I'm gonna try to redo some stuff before releasing the next chapter.