Many things ran through Lee's head as he finished reading Luna's reply. One of those many things, were... "What. The. F*ck." After the initial question of what, came the next logical inquiry in his sequence of thought. A very important, and horrible question that strikes terror in all who hear.

Of course, this is... "WHY?!" Why? Why did Princess Luna write such a perturbing string of letters? Why would she thrust her student in such a unpalatable plight? Why, oh why, would she do that with a plunger? The next route of action was obvious, an expression of despair manifest through vomiting.

After emptying the contents of his stomach into the unsuspecting toilet, he assumed the fetal position in the bathtub, and rocked himself, back and forth, for twenty minutes. Once he finished the silent dirge, he quietly returned to his bed, where nightmares of horny horses awaited. The sad part was, Lee knew that these nightmares would pursue him tonight, but he also knew that there was nothing he could to do to stop it. It was then, that Lee accepted his fate, and plunged himself into the horrific realm of Luna's unintentional tyranny.

Lee awoke that morning in a cold sweat. Luckily for him, the memory of the night terrors that plagued him in his sleep had completely disappeared, and he was very thankful for that.

Lee rolled himself out of bed, and made way for the ground floor. As he descended the stairs, he saw that Spike and Twilight were already eating breakfast. Twilight munched on some nicely seared hash-browns with oats mixed inside the strips. There was even a plate with a side of eggs lying on Lee's spot. These must have been courtesy of Spike.

With an awkward combat roll, Lee found himself in his seat, before the delicious meal. "Thanks, mah L'il Nig."

"Hrrrmm...?...yeah... sure...." Spike grumbled.

Normally, Lee would respond to such lackadaisical comments with a pimp-slap or crude remark, but this was Lee's "L'il Nig", so he let it slide. There was also something else to this. Lee had noticed that there was something foul lying in the muttered response. It was the strong scent of sulk. The awful thing was, the traumatic nightmare also destroyed the memory of whatever dramatic revelation Lee mentally made before reading the strumpet-ish letter. Lee hurriedly locked the creeping thoughts of the defiling message in a metaphorical safe, and focused and ravaging the pan-seared potato strips before him.

His attention moved to the Twilicorn. She now had a small notepad held in her magic's grasp.

Twilight seemed to be murmuring to herself as she flipped through the pad while take a chomp out of her taters. "Well, looks like I'm gonna be busy today."

"Doin' what? Pleasuring your slaves of lust at your rape dungeon?"

She shook her head, "Nope! Studying. Lots, and loooots of reports and essays I need to finish up."

"Studying. Of course." Lee parroted with a dry voice, "I bet you f*cking rub yourself on all those damn books."

The comment caused Twilight to stop what she was doing, "Rub myself? With books? I don't think I understand. Why would I rub myself? If you mean sore from staying in the same place while reading, I'll just get Spike to rub me. He's a great masseuse!"

Twilight's innocent reply caused Lee to drop his fork (Spike did not seem to notice as he was too busy being harassed by dragon angst) in slack-jawed awe. "I... I just can't. It's just... just TOO DAMN EASY!"

The purple princess raised an eyebrow at his outrage. "Oookaaaay? Like I was saying, I'll busy the rest of the day." she directed her cheerful voice to the slumping dragon with a smile, "I won't be needing you today either, Spike, so why not have a day off?"

Spike pushed the remains of his breakfast around with a fork, "Sure, whatever..."

The absentminded response drew a frown from Twilight.

She looked to Lee, "Can I speak with you really quick?"

Lee shrugged, "K." Twilight stole a quick look at Spike before getting up, and leading Lee to the other side of the library, out of the dragon's earshot.

Lee snorted, "What is it, whore?"

The worried frown still sat on her face as she whispered, "It's Spike. He's been like this since morning. I don't know what's wrong with him. I asked him, but he just mutters and says nothing is wrong! I was hoping that maybe a day off would've cheered the little guy up... but, yeah."

Lee pursed his lips, "I know what you mean, I noticed last night before I went to sleep. I actually knew the problem."

Twilight's ears perked up, "Then I had the disgusting nightmare, and I forgot everything along with the dream in the morning."

Her ears drooped down again, "Wait, what kind of dream makes you—"

"—Ain't talkin' bout it. End of discussion. Anyways, I think I get the idea. You want me to hang out with him on his day off, and try to figure out what's wrong, pull a Doctor Phil, and save the day."

Twilight nodded, "I don't know who Doctor Phil is, but I'm sure you can do it. You have a good way of getting what you want."

"You know it, B*tch-Princess."

Twilight exhaled and smiled, "Thanks, Lee. I'd come along too, but I really do have a lot of work to do for Princess Celestia." The two nod, and walk back to the dinner table. Except that Lee did not walk, he cartwheeled, gracefully, for once.

Lee threw an arm around the dejected Spike, "'Ey bud, let's go hang out and show out."

Spike sighed, "I don't know... I really don't feel like..."

"We're going. End of story..." Lee interjected, "after I shower."

Spike pinched the bridge of his nose and moans, "Fine."

Spike and Lee exited Golden Oaks Library, the latter formulating a plan to remedy his sadness. Lee decided that he would cure the dejection while doing the day's plans. The first order of business had to do with the season's weather.

It was winter's place now, and the crisp weather had taken a frosty edge. The skies were grayed with darker clouds manipulated by the Pegasi, any visible grass was coated with a thin layer of frost, anypony outside was wrapped in the appropriate insulation, and Lee was sorely lacking in that department.

"We're going to Rari-whore's first." Lee explained as he leads Spike in Carousel Boutique's direction, "I gotta get something warm before my dick freezes and falls off."

Spike lifted his head at the mention of her name, and frowned. "Oh. Alright..."

After a couple more minutes of walking, Lee finally popped the question. "Dude, what is up with you today?"

Spike waved it off, "Don't worry about it. I'm fine."

Lee pulled a face, "You look and sound like you're about to blow your head off. Seriously."

Spike shook his head vigorously, "I'm telling you! Nothing is—"

"—Oh, it's you two!" Rarity interrupted as she bumped into Spike.

Lee snapped his fingers and points at her, "Eeyyoo, what up, my ho?"

The Rarity in question had been wearing purple boots, a matching scarf, and a black sweater. Her saddlebag bulged with freshly baked croissants, giving off a delightful steamy scent, instantly watering mouths. "I had been picking up some delectable croissants for breakfast, but I was actually enroute to Golden Oaks. The weather is dreadfully chilly this time of year, and I could not bear to know that you'd have nothing to wear for the season!"

Lee nodded, "Good, that's exactly what I need. Can we go inside? My dick is about to be a frozen swag-sicle."

"Of course! Come along now!"

Rarity wheeled out another series of winter jackets for Lee's fancy. Luckily coats and such fit both pony, and Lee's physique due to their varying sizes.

He looked through the vast array of clothes with muted admiration, which did not escape the seamstress's eye for detail. "Is there anything to your liking, dear?"

Lee slightly nodded, "It's all pretty damn good. Just seein' which one would look better... what do you think?"

The smile on her face widened at the question, "I thought you'd never ask!" Rarity floated a medium-thick orange jacket lined with warm fabric to Lee's side. "This ought to keep you warm enough for the winter. Plus, this particular shade would look lovely on you! Don't you think, Spike?"

The dragon in question was seated on a stool on the other side of the room.

He immediately shook himself out of his stupor, "Huh! What? Oh. Yeah... it'll look great."

Rarity's eyebrows furrowed, and her smile disappeared as she noticed his apparent peculiar state.

She trotted to his side, "Spike, are you feeling alright? You've been looking rotten for a while now." She put a hoof on his forehead, much to his bashfulness from the sudden proximity and contact. "Was it the chilliness? I don't want my Spikey-Wikey to catch a cold!"

Spike began to blush upon hearing the nickname and turned away. "N-no! I'm just...!...fine."

It was at this time a revelation came to Lee regarding Spike and Rarity. He took his reaction, and pieced together various incidents regarding the white pony and dragon, to finally reach the conclusion that many had already reached, but he himself had taken no care to notice in the past.

Lee zipped up the jacket, and sauntered to the concerned Rarity, "I'll take this, Alabaster-Bitch. I'll take the jacket, by the way." Before Rarity could deny Lee's bits, he already had rained twenty of the shimmering coins atop her figure in a golden rain. "I ALWAYS MAKE IT RAIN ON THESE HOES!"

Lee quickly grabbed Spike as if he were a football and tumbled out the door with an awkward combat roll.

He shut the door behind him, picks up Spike by his shoulders, and says, "YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT THE F*CK IS MAKING YOU BEHAVE LIKE AN INDIFFERENT DOUCHE... or I can tell White Supremacy about the metaphorical boner you hide from her."

Judging from Spike's erratically shifting eyes and squirming body, Lee received the desired effect: cornering him like a rat. Spike sees that he's been trapped and stopped struggling, "Fine! Fine... I'll tell you what's going on, but promise you won't tell Rarity I have a crush on her."

Even though the implications of the crush made Lee mentally scream, 'HOW THE F*CK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK?!', he decided to roll with it. Lee puts the dragon down and looks placidly into his eyes, "Fine. Now, talk."

Spike answered in the form of a question that threw Lee severely off course, "Lee, am I manly?"

Of course, the Lee we all know and love could only respond in one possible way when derailed, "What."

Spike sighed, "I'm obviously still a baby dragon, but am I stallion-like, or manly?"

Lee blinked several times, "Uh, what are you trying to get at?"

"Remember what happened last night, at Vinyl's club?"

At the mention of the events which occurred at Wubbin' the Right Way, Lee groaned. Now he remembers. The grody stallions, the infuriated baby dragon, and Lee stealing his chance at redemption from being thrown into a punch bowl.

"Ohhhh... crap."

"Yeah..." Spike muttered.

Lee shood his head, "Dude, I'm sorry I didn't let you get back at those dickheads, next time I'll—"

"—huh? What are you talking about?"

Lee briefly paused as his inner gears hit a snag, "You mean you're not all emo because I kicked that Ass-Sucker in the balls before you could...?"

Spike raised an eyebrow, "Nooo...? Well, it does have to do with that. Let's walk a bit."

Spike and Lee sat on a bench before a grassy field where a foals played under their parent's supervision.

Spike watched on wistfully. "Lee, I'm a dragon."

"Naaaawww..."

Spike ignored the comment, "That means I'm really protective of what I have... and what I have is my friends."

Lee kept his silence and nodded, seeing where this was going.

"So, when those stallions started talking about Twilight, Fluttershy and Rarity like that, I got really mad. NOBODY talks to them like... like they're a piece of meat. So, that's why I tried to hurt him, it's like some part of me just took over...!... but you know what I did next?" Spike looked up at Lee as bitterness from the other night shook his green eyes.

Lee gestured with a nod for him to go on. "Nothing. I did bucking nothing. He threw me into a punch bowl for crying out loud!

"That wasn't even the worst part, Lee. They laughed at me. They all laughed at me like I was a scaly joke... I'm just 'Spikey-Wikey', just a 'baby' dragon. Everyone thinks I'm some wimpy baby, and they're right..."

"Dude," Lee tried to reason, "you're not a—"

"—Lee!" Spike suddenly yelled, "I've been raised by mares my entire life! Ever since Twilight hatched me for her exam, she and Princess Celestia treated me like I was family. I live with a mare, cook for mares, clean for mares, been taught by mares, almost all of my friends are mares! And believe me, I've heard ponies talk about it, snickering and joking about me... but, I can't even say anything, because I don't even know what it means to be a stallion, er, man..." Spike gestured towards the colts playing hoofball with their fathers. "Most colts have a dad to teach them what it means... I don't." he sniffed as a small series of hot tears splashed onto the wooden bench. "Don't get me wrong, I love Twilight and everyone, but it's... weird. I don't have a regular family like everypony else, I have to learn these things in different ways. But I don't know how."

Lee pondered his many words for a while. The two sat in silence and observed the playing families for a couple of minutes. It was nice, just to sit quietly, with a good friend, and think. It was a luxury Lee was absent of since he arrived in Equestria. Most of the time, Lee was caught in the middle of some equine-related mayhem filled with danger and not a second of peace, having to learn lessons through peril. This time, it was different, yet it only made the situation harder.

Lee nodded once to himself and finally asked Spike, "Hey, why is being manly important you?"

Spike broke his stare with the happier denizens of Ponyville and directed it to Lee.

He took a deep inhale and exhale before his discourse. "For them. My mares, my friends. I wanna be a dragon, a stallion, a man, for them. This goes back to the dragon thing. Dragons don't really care for anybody but themselves, so we get a bad reputation, which we deserve. On one hand, I am proud of being a dragon... but I don't want to be the selfish, greedy, jerks they end up being. I know I'm gonna slip up, I know. But, I don't wanna be a dragon for me, I wanna be a dragon for them, my mares, my friends..." Another short silence followed, with a deep contemplation riding within.

Spike decided to break the quiet once more, "You know, I was honestly really happy when you started living here."

Lee raised his eyebrows in curiosity, "And why's that?"

"Because, well, like I said before," Spike explained while twiddling his claws, "I don't really have many really good guy friends. I never really had someone to talk with about guy stuff, like we're doing now. I thought that maybe now, I'd have someone who could tell me what it meant, who I could learn from."

This was a first for our misplaced human. Since his time at Ponyville, he had quickly taken a liking to the baby dragon. He found Spike witty, funny, and mature instead of the mind-grindingly-annoying regular for younger ones. He never actually thought about how the dragon saw him. It was a nice surprise. It made his stay at Ponyville feel a few shades brighter than girly-condemnation.

"Anyways, you still haven't really told me what you think about this. Do... you know what it means to be stallion-like, well I mean, manly?"

Lee lightly chuckled, eliciting a confused frown from Spike, "Buddy, your guess is as good as mine."

"...what?"

Lee shrugged, "Well, I thought I knew. Then you ran your mouth and mixed it all up for me. Honestly, most dudes don't even think about this sh*t. Humans are general douches, and from what I've seen, they aren't much different from these ponies. The whole question of, 'being a man', almost never comes up. Thing is, my entire family sucks ass. So I guess I was in a similar place. I almost always had to teach myself how to act, and I thought that was how you were supposed to do it... but, I don't think so anymore. Maybe we are supposed to learn from someone else. Maybe we are supposed to learn from ourselves. Or maybe it's both. Truth is, being a man could have a hundred different answers, but leads to the same damn thing in the end."

Spike looked to the sky as he drank in Lee's reply.

He shifted his eyes back to Lee, "So... what is it then?"

Lee grimaced, and placed his hands behind his head, "I don't know... but, it looks like you have something. Being a man, or dragon, for your friends, not for yourself... sounds pretty alright to me, buddy. I say we roll with that, and see if we can find anything else on the way." Lee put his arms down and looks down to meet Spike's gaze, "I've known and seen a lot of f*ck-ups in my life. Spike, you're a better man than all of 'em put together."

For the first time that day, Spike smiled, "Thanks, Lee. I really needed this. This isn't really something I could go to Twilight, or even Princess Celestia about."

Lee returned his smile with a deadpan expression, "Good. Now, you ready to quit bein' a pussy and cheer up you lizard-looking-motherf*cker?" Spike instantly frowned, but then Lee broke into a smile and raucous laughter. Spike knew he was joking now, but it still would take time for him to discern the difference. Either way, Spike was glad that he had Lee, no matter how erratic his behavior was.

A frisbee suddenly sailed to the two and hit the wooden hand-rest of the bench.

"Hey, Spike, can you throw that over here!" The voices yelling in unison belonged to none-other than the CMC.

Spike grabbed the disc and looked back to Lee, "Wanna play for a bit?"

"You know it, ho."

The two were at the door of Golden Oaks now. It was five o'clock, and the pair was tired from chucking the frisbee around with the CMC. Plus, Lee was about to attack Diamond Tiara when she showed up, so they had to leave before things got gory.

Spike nudged Lee with a claw before opening the door, "Thanks again, Lee, I was acting like a preteen filly! Don't let that happen again."

"I'll slap you if you do."

They open the door, to be met with a cannon blast of streamers and confetti, along with a cheer that said, "CHEER UP SPIKE!!!!!!!"

Apparently, Twilight had informed the rest of her friends about Spike's state. Which included the partying pink one. The next logical step was a feel-good party.

Spike was immediately swept up by all six of his pony-friends hooves in a loving embrace.

Spike gasped for breath, "It's all right, girls! Lee fixed... Lee, what are you about to do?"

The wild human in question was in a crouch, with a psychotic grin cracked across his face, "SOME KINKY SHIT!!!!"

They all cried, "Lee, NOOOO—"

What the f*ck Princess,

Seriously, what the f*ck. What the f*ck was that. Why the Hell would you do that to me. I had damn nightmares from that disgusting letter. You probably wanted that too. That's right Moon-Bitch, I know you can watch wet dreams you pervert. Is that how you get off, you ratchet-ass whore? Don't do that sh*t again, or I WILL COME FOR YOU.

Anyways, I learned something important today. Well, me and Spike did, and I doubt this'll do you any good, but it'd be a good idea to write it down anyways. It's about being a man. My family sucked ass, so I always figured you had to teach yourself. Then Spike got all mopey and shit, because he didn't know how to be a man because he was raised by a bunch of chick-ponies. Seriously though, what the f*ck is with the gender ratio in Ponyville? Anyways, I learned that while everyone's answer to this may have similar stuff, they also have different elements at the same time. It all leads to the same end, anyways, it's gettin' there's that's the hard part. We decided to stick with this: if you're being a man, dragon, or stallion, just for you, you're probably on the wrong track. A man, dragon, stallion, is who he is, because it isn't for himself.

Your Now Forever Traumatized Student

Lee the Legend.

F*ck you (jk).

In the dark alleys of the seedy streets of Manehatten, all sorts of interesting meetings occur. Some of these meetings are regular things, some of them happen once, and never again. Sometimes, these meetings end up with one body never going home. But this rendezvous in particular was of a far more special breed. It would be a meeting that affected the entire country. A meeting between children, one could say.

"You found it?" the Pegasus whispered.

The Earth Pony acolyte giggled excitedly as she unfurled the pages, "Yes, the entire thing, rites and all! I knew our Master would not lie!

"He never lies." the Pegasus droned, "How right he was about that stupid maid job! I'd much rather serve the Master, the Father, the glorious one in all his incomprehensible wonderfulness!!"

The Earth Pony gave her a quick hug, "Yes, sister, I concur! But... there is still much work to be done. He needs to grow stronger... we need to prepare."

The former maid smiled, "Shall we explain this to the rest of our kin?"

Her sister grinned back, "Let's."

They turned to keep walking down the alley, deeper, and farther away from the busy streets. They found an old, wooden door near the end of the alley and opened it.

Before them was a massive congregation of brothers and sisters, all who heard the call.

All ready to serve.

The Pegasus spread her wings and hooves before the masses, "The Children of Perdition are born!"

Author's Notes:

This chapter was nice to write. It was thoughtful, dealt with a question people don't ask enough, and peaceful. Plus, we got some character growth between Spike and Lee.

This chapter's idea was partially inspired by The Descendant's story Every Little Bit. (seriously, check that dude out, he's the best writer here, at least to me. Plus, that story of his is amazing. Linky: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/130213/every-little-bit)

What do y'all think a man is? Or woman, whatevs!