You remember when I told you the other day that Ares jumped out of a window? And that he said that he was fine after he settled me down?

Well… I didn’t find out until a little later that he had actually dislocated his shoulder and an ankle, which is kinda sweet when you think about it. I mean, how many mares can say that one of their friends had put themselves through bodily harm to help them?

Don’t get me wrong, what he did was stupidly dangerous, but it was at least sweet.

It also forced us to wait for almost a week for him to get better for our trip to Canterlot, not that the human insisting on finishing my garden helped his healing process any…

Those extra days were a Faust-send for Shiny and I though; it took almost two days to get Shiny out of his stupor and almost four days for me to force myself out of bed and get over my bout of severe depression so we could pack up.

And what did I think about my little trip to the capital of Equestria?

Well, after a lot of thought and more than a bit of crying I decided to approach this is cautious optimism. I mean, my Aunties use magic to raise and lower the sun and the moon for Faust’s sakes! They have to be able to do something for me.

Enough of me being a party pooper, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about me being sad!

So anyway, after Aunty Celestia and I—or mostly Aunty—got everything in order, all we had to do was say goodbye, something that Ares needed to do in excess…

“Aw, come on, Nursey,” Ares said to one of the crying nurses that was latched into him. “Don’t go crying for little old me,” he wiped the tears out of the sniffling mares eyes, in a scene that could have been the ending of any romantic movie.

The nurse just whimpered, nuzzling into his neck and holding on for dear life as her fellow nurses tried to peel her off the human.

“Sister,” I heard Aunty Luna said from behind me. “We are certain that our train will be arriving soon, perhaps we should hurry these teary farewells along.”

Aunty Celestia let out a quiet snort. “I will not ask all of these ponies to just leave when they wish to wish Ares farewell,” she said. “Though I do find it odd that there are so many…”

She wasn’t kidding either, they’re must of been half of the Crystal Empire here specifically for the human, which wouldn’t have been weird if he didn’t know most of them byname. In fact I was almost a little creeped out by it, because I’m pretty sure that Ares had only left the castle a hoof-ful of times, so there wasn’t any reasonable explanation as to how he knew half of the nobility or why they treated him practically like family.

I really didn’t dwell on it too much though, just chalking it up to Ares being Ares and leaving it at that.

After the nurses unlatched their now bawling sister, it was time for the final farewell-er, Doctor Stitch. I couldn’t help but smile at the doctor, who actually looked a little more emotional than she usually was, her lower lips slightly quivering as she looked up the smiling human.

Ares got down on one knee and opened his arms. “Hello there, doc,” he said, ignoring her sniffle.

The doctor cleared her throat and adjusted her glasses, trying to discreetly wipe her eyes. “Well, it seems like you are leaving, Mr. Ares.”

“Seems like it.”

“Indeed.”

I almost laughed when the two lapsed into silence with Ares arms still spread out for a hug.

“...Doc.”

“Yes, Mr. Ares?”

“The ol’ arms are getting kinda tired here,” he emphasized that by wiggling said arms. “Do you wanna hug or not?”

The doctor weakly snorted. “And why would I want a hug from you?”

Sighing, Ares got up, and, before the doctor could do anything, picked her up into a hug. The doctor struggled weakly before finally returning the hug. “I gotta say that I’m gonna miss you, Doc,” I heard Ares mutter, the doctor snorting again.

“Oh, really, Mr. Ares?”

“Yep,” he put her down and patted her on the head. “Next time I get banged up l think I know who to call.”

With that the doctor spun around made her way out of the room rather quickly as Ares turned back toward us, pulling his duffel bag onto his shoulder. “Alright, I think that’s everybody.”

“Great,” I clapped my hooves together and turned toward the large crowd of ponies. “Alright my subjects, if you could go…”

Hey, don’t look at me like that! You try telling about two hundred ponies that they need to leave so you can go somewhere!

Thankfully, my ponies took the hint, quietly filing out as I turned toward Ares, ignoring Aunty Celestia’s disapproving stare. “Do you have everything, Ares?”

The human nodded, walking over to us and giving me a little scratch behind the ears, which made me growl, batting his hands away. I know that my last couple of days weren’t the best but he didn’t need to treat me like I was glass!

“Ya, I got everything, what about you Candy, Shining, Celestia, Luna, Purple, you got your toothbrushes and all of that junk?” He tried to ignore Flash Sentry’s glare. “*Sigh* fine, Flashy, do you got everything?”

Flash’s chest puffed out happily, which made me shake my head, a small smile on my face. “Yep, I have my armor packed and everything!”

Nodding, Ares let me start to lead all of us out of the castle. “Next you’ll want me to ask you how your day was, you pansy…”

“Now be nice, Ares,” I heard Aunty Celestia say as I led us to the crystal district, the main district of my city, which was the only way to get to the train station.

Hummmmm… I just said my city, didn’t I?

...Moving on.

“Why are you even coming with us?” Ares asked Flash. “I mean, don’t you have something to do here? Like guarding the castle?”

I looked back to see Flash hip check him. “I’m the princesses personal guard, Ares, I go where she goes,” he told the human. “Besides, what would you do without me?”

“I’d probably be safer…”

“Be nice, Ares,” I told the human as we made our way to the edge of city and to the green pastures that surrounded it. “This is going to be a long train ride and I don’t want anypony fighting.”

Ares snorted. “Flashy knows that I’m just messing with him,” He hummed thoughtfully. “Say, where is this train station of yours anyways?”

“It’s outside the barrier,” Shiny said, his voice stronger than it had been in days, though he still sounded a little bit emotionless.

“Ares, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked with concern, which made me turn around to see Ares rooted to where he stood.

I saw something flash in his eyes for a moment before he cleared his throat. “Oh um, nothing, nothing, I’m alright,” he nervously laughed. “I guess that’s why you made me wear a coat!”

We all looked at each other, which made Ares stiffen, the human walking past me. “Well, come on! We have a train to catch, don’t we?”

“...Are you sure you’re alright?” I asked him, my gaze going to one of his hands, which seemed to be shaking slightly.

Ares nodded, and, with one last shared look of concern, we followed the human until he stopped at the edge of the barrier.

We all stopped behind him. “Don’t worry, Ares,” I said, making my way to his side and putting my hoof through the barrier. “You’ll be fine, the barrier wouldn’t hurt you.”

“Y-Yeah,” he said, looking out at the frozen wasteland. “I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine…”

“Are thou sure that you are well, human friend?” Aunty Luna asked, also making her way to human’s side with Aunty Celestia beside her.

Ares didn’t seem to hear her. “You’ll be fine, you’ll be fine…” He brought a shaky hand up toward the portal and put it through.

Only for him to yelp and fall back on his flank, his eyes wide with what looked uncomfortably close to fear as he tried to crawl away from the barrier, hitting Aunty Celestia’s barrel.

We all gaped, wide-eyed, at Ares, who looked like he was about to have a panic attack, breathing heavily and shaking as he muttered to himself.

...It’s the cold! I thought with some concern as we all circled the human.

I sat down and brought the shaking Ares into a hug, wrapping my wings around him tightly. “It’s okay, Ares, it’s okay,” I said as I nudged my head toward the barrier and Aunty Celestia nodded grimly, picking the two of us up as carefully as she could, thankfully Ares not noticing.

The now hyperventilating human, buried his face into my barrel, whimpering in a very un-Ares-like way. I tried to wrap the human in the tightest, warmest hug I could as Aunty floated us out into the wasteland, moving us as quickly as she could toward the train.

“We need to hurry, Princess,” I heard Twilight say as I continued to coo reassurances into the human ear. “It seems like he’s having a bad panic attack, if we don’t hurry he may go into cardiac arrest!”

My heart skipped beat at that, and I silently cursed myself for not guessing that surviving out in this frozen wasteland probably scarred Ares, but we couldn’t stop now, so all I could do was run my hooves down Ares back soothingly, hoping that he couldn’t feel the cold air whipping around us.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I heard hooves hitting concrete, which was followed by a rush of warm air as Aunty all but threw Ares and I into the train.

“Close the doors, close the windows!” Twilight said. “Cadence, let me see Ares!”

I obliged the purple unicorn, unfurling my wings and trying to let go of Ares, who tightened his death-grip around me to stop me from moving.

Twilight used a hoof to grab Ares chin and she forced the human to meet her gaze. “Ares, you need to calm down!”

Ares looked like he hadn’t even heard her, his eyes glazed over slightly. “The wind screams and the cold cuts like a knife,” he muttered, weakly trying to bury his face back into my chest. “I don’t want to be cold a-anymore.”

“You’re not in the cold, Ares,” Twilight said soothingly, her horn glowing gently. “You’re in the warm train.”

“T-The c-cold, I-I don’t l-like the c-cold.”

I swear that everypony could hear my heart beating as Twilight turned toward a very concerned Celestia.

“Princess, his heart is beating too fast, if he can’t calm him down he might die!”

Moving faster than I had ever seen in my life, Aunty Celestia roughly pushed Twilight and I away with her magic so she was face-to-face with Ares, her purple eyes gazing into his. “Sleep, Ares,” she said, her voice laced with magic as her horn glowed.

The humans eyes fluttered, and he slumped, still shaking, to the ground, Twilight rushing to his side a moment later and wrapping the pale human into a hug, which he subconsciously returned.

Aunty sighed and sat down calmly as Flash and Shining also made their way to Ares side.

“Hopefully he will be fine when he wakes up,” Aunty Celestia said as Aunty Luna picked Ares up and wrapped him in her own hug, pressing his back against her barrel, Twilight still along for the ride because Ares refused to let her go.

“I’m using a spell to slowly lower his heart rate, so his heart should be fine,” she said, grimacing slightly. “I should have known that something like this would have happened.”

I heard Flash gulp nervously, obviously distressed for his friend. Not that I couldn’t blame him, I was just about ready to have a panic attack myself. “W-What the hay just happened?” The stallion shimmered out.

I looked nervously at the human. “It looks like Ares got a bit more messed up than he was letting on…”

Aunty Luna sniffled a little, nuzzling the top of Ares head. “He made us promise not to tell you.”

We all looked at her as she continued to sniffle. “We have been forced to defend him from the same nightmares every night; dreams of cold and emptiness that almost forced us to tell you sister…”

Aunty Celestia let that sink in as my husband made his way over to Ares, a small smile on his face for some odd reason. “Huh, it looks like our knight in shining armor needs a bit of help,” to everyone’s surprise he gently nuzzled the humans face.

“He was probably messed up for months,” he continued, sitting on his rump. “But he didn’t want to tell anypony because all of the stuff he thought he was putting us through,” Shiny hummed calmly, his smile was growing.

“Well, Ares,” Shiny finally said to the unconscious human. “It looks like we’re the ones that need to help you this time.”

I don’t remember moving from my spot or all but tackling Aunty Luna off Ares or bringing the human into a teary-eyed, tight hug but when I blinked I noticed that all of that had happened.

“You’re going to be okay, Ares,” I told him, luckily not being impaled by Twilight’s horn because Ares still had his death grip on her. “You helped us and-” I sniffled, and tears threatened to spill out of my eyes, so I just nuzzled the top of his head until I felt a wing touch my shoulder.

I looked over my shoulder to see a sad Aunty Celestia and I couldn’t stop the words from spilling out my mouth. “Ifitwasn’tformethenhewouldn’thavehadtogothroughthisandhe wouldbeokayand-”

Aunty’s wing shushed me. “Cadence,” she calmly said. “None of this was your fault, even though this sounds heartless he should have told one of us that something was bothering him, but, since we know that he was scared by his time in the wilderness,” he eyes hardened and her back straightened. “We can help him through this; help him overcome his new fear.”

She leaned in to nuzzle his cheek. “Sleep now, Ares, because you and I are going to have a talk when you wake up,” she looked at him with her sternest expression before taking a step back.

With that we all fell into a nervous and slightly sad, but hopeful silence, until Twilight, who was wiggling in Ares’ grasp, muttered almost excitedly, “Even though I would have preferred for this to be done in a happier setting I’m happy that I finally get do this!”

Her eyes were filled with concern like the rest of us but I could see excitement starting to overcome it. “Just think of the thesis I can write on the properties of extraterrestrial hugs!”

Despite the heavy, almost scarring event that we had all just witnessed, I couldn’t help but let out a snort, which was followed by Aunty Luna’s giggle, and soon we were all laughing our flanks off at an image of Twilight levitating a forest’s worth of paper around her, writing down thorough notes while Ares held her.

...Well, everypony except Twilight and Ares were laughing, the latter having a good reason not to.

“...Why’s everypony laughing?” Twilight asked, a confused look on her face. “This could have serious academic consequences that can be beneficial to all of ponykind!”

Hours later…

Ares woke to the sounds of a train in motion, which was immediately followed by a rather nasty bout of motion sickness. Ares weakly groaned, bringing a hand up to his face to rub his temples.

Oh, what the fuck happened? He thought to himself, keeping his eyes closed. We were talking about going to a train and then I got nothing…

He tried to get up when he noticed three things. Firstly, that he was in some kind of bed. Secondly, that for some reason, Twilight was snuggled adorably into his chest. Thirdly, there was some mysterious pony that was pressing himself/herself against his back with their wings wrapped around him and Twilight.

Alright, let’s see, Ares calmly thought, doing an experimental wiggle. Not big enough to be Luna or Celestia and too small for Flash soooo, He looked over his shoulder to see a certain pink alicorn with a hint of a smile on her face.

Hum, I must have lost it or something, the human thought, more than a little confused as to how events had let him to be in this situation but taking it oddly well. Well, better put everyone to bed!

Bringing a hand to his face, Ares extended his pointer finger and poked Cadence in the side, the pink alicorn giggling sleepily. Ares continued to do this until, trying to get away from the mysterious tickle monster, Cadence rolled over, freeing the human to do as he pleased.

Nodding thoughtfully he scooped Twilight into his arms and carefully got up and hopped over Cadence’s still outstretched wing, landing onto the carpeted floor as quietly as he could, finally taking in his surroundings.

It was dark in the train and he appeared to be in some sort of weird train bed section, comfortable-looking beds bolted to the floor littering the cab.

“Let’s see,” he muttered, hefting Twilight. “Where to put you…” With a quick looked around Ares saw that there were a load of empty beds so he did the responsible thing…

...By putting the sleeping unicorn into a sleeping Flash’s bed, a small smile on his face as he watched the magic happen.

Twilight, sensing that her human cuddle-buddy was gone, reached out to the closest snuggable thing, Flash Sentry, who also wrapped his hooves around her. The two let out a pair of happy sighs, and, with a giggle, Ares put a blanket over top of the two.

“There you go, Flashy,” Ares muttered, nodding at his work. “Alright, time to get Candy to bed.”

After finding out where Shining was sleeping, Ares then made his way back over to here Cadence was, standing over the sleeping alicorn and tapping a finger against chin thoughtfully. “Now, how am I gonna get you out of this bed without waking you?” After a bit more thoughtful humming he shrugged.

“I guess I’m gonna have to just be careful lifting her up,” with that Ares gently reached underneath the alicorn to gently pick her up…

Only for him to be picked up by said alicorn, flipped onto the bed, and brought an almost bone-crushing hug. Cadence let out a sleepy sigh and Ares looked at the wall that he was now positioned at, wide-eyed.

“...So that’s what this feels like,” Ares finally said, trying to wiggle out of Cadence’s grasp. “Fucking hell, Candy, how and the hell does Shining deal with having his ribs almost broken every night?”

To his surprise, he got an answer. “For your information, Shiny loves my cuddles!” The now awake alicorn told him.

Ares looked over his shoulder to see a glaring Cadence staring down at him. “Huh, you’re mad…”

He felt her grip on him tighten in an almost angry fashion. “You’re bucking right I’m upset! You almost died from a panic attack!”

Ares hummed thoughtfully. “So that’s why I can’t remember what happened.”

Cadence angrily snorted. “You know, when most ponies are told that they almost died they take it a bit harder.”

The human shrugged. “Eh,” he expected a hoof being hit against his head and he got it, Ares rubbing the back of his head as the two lapsed into silence.

“You know, Shining’s probably not going to like that your-”

“He’s fine with it.”

“Oh…”

“...”

“...”

“So how far are we from Canterlot?”

“We have another day and a half until we get there.”

“Good, good.”

“...”

“...”

“Where is Twilight?”

“Oh, I put her to bed. I was about to put you in with your hubby when you jumped me, you know you—”

“I’m fine where I am, thank you.”

Ares put his arms up defensively. “Fine, fine, no need to be snippy.”

“...”

“...”

Cadence glared angrily down at him. “You should have told us that you were terrified of the cold.”

Even though he wasn’t looking at her, Ares squirmed uncomfortably under her gaze. “I didn’t know that I was going to lose my mind when I saw the tundra and—”

“Luna told us about your nightmares.”

Ares sighed. “...I didn’t think it was important enough at the time.”

He blocked the hoof hitting the back of his head this time. “You almost DIED! That has to mean that your psyche is pretty damaged!” She grumbled angrily to herself. “If you would have told us about the nightmares then we could have gotten you some help. For crying out loud Twilight’s read enough Psychology books to get a Ph.D. If you—”

“Alright, alright, for Christ’s sakes,” Ares interrupted, sounding irritated. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll go to a head doctor or something just quit yelling at me!” He snorted. “There’s other people sleeping and you’re here—” He stopped when he heard a sniffle.

He mentally groaned, patting the pink alicorn’s hooves. “Come on, Candy, don’t start crying.”

“D-Don’t you trust us enough to t-tell us when something’s wrong with you?” Cadence asked, really tugging at the human’s heartstrings and making him feel awful.

“You have all of that other stuff that you had to deal with,” Ares argued weakly. “I didn’t want to put anything else on your plate.”

“Friends tell friends when something’s bothering them,” the alicorn insisted, almost possessively hugging him. “You almost died trying to help me, why would you expect anything less from me?”

This time Ares groaned out loud. “You really know how to make a guy feel bad, you know that?” He told Cadence, who nodded angrily.

“You should feel bad.”

The two fell back into silence, Ares trying to wiggle out of the alicorn’s grasp and Cadence trying to strangle him with her snuggling.

“...”

“...”

“...How did everyone else take my freak-out?”

“Let’s just say that you’re going to get an earful tomorrow.”

Ares closed his eyes and Cadence finally drapped a wing over him. “You know ever since I’ve gotten out of that frozen hellhole I’ve had trouble sleeping alone?”

Cadence looked down at him, surprised but happy that he was talking to her about this. “Oh?”

Ares nodded slowly. “Yep, every time I sleep by myself I have a nightmare, and I usually wake up screaming and cold. Even when I was with that nurse I still have the dreams, but at least they aren’t that bad.”

“Then why do you sleep by yourself every night?”

Since ponies eyes weren’t as acute in the dark as humans Cadence couldn’t see Ares bewildered face as he looked at her. Really? He thought to himself. No one told her that I’ve pretty much slept with her whole kingdom? How doesn’t she know?

Despite everything, Ares grinned. Oh, I need to find some way to abuse this

“Don’t you think that it would be weird to just ask somebody ‘Hey, do you wanna hit the hay with me because if you don’t I’ll have night terrors?’” He couldn’t keep the smirk off his face. “I’d never cuddle ponies for no good reason.”

Cadence almost smiled at that.

Almost.

Instead, she smacked him upside his head again. “No ifs, ands, or buts, Mister, we’ll find somepony to stay with you at night!”

The human had to use all of his willpower not to laugh. “Alright, mom.”

Cadence did one jerky nod, wiggling around the bed to get comfortable. “Well, somepony needs to act like a mother to you since you act like you’re five!”

Ares smiled at that. “Well, goodnight, Candy.”

“Goodnight, Ares.”

“And under our moon no less.”

Cadence and Ares froze, looking up at the edge of the bed to see Luna looking back at them with a smile on her face.

She saw the looks of confusion on the two’s face and waved a hoof. “We mean that thou have restored thine trust in each other and have become closer because of this hardship,” her smile grew at the two. “We think it is noble of you to let other’s aid thee, Ares, there is no greater test of oneself than admitting that thou need the help of another.”

Ares looked at the alicorn, wondering where the hell all of that came from. “...Wow, Luna,” he finally said. “That was actually pretty deep…”

Luna shrugged. “We are very old, human friend, sometimes we cannot help but be philosophical.”

Cadence gave her aunt an uncomfortable smile, the pink alicorn finding it weird that her aunt had been watching them the whole time. “Well thank you for that, Aunty,” she said. “But I think we all need to get a little bit of shut eye.

“Wait!” The princess of the night said, looking at the human with puppy-dog eyes, her lip quivering. “Could we at least join in your cuddling merriment?”

…

I took a grateful sip of my coffee, trying to ignore the yelling that was coming from the cart over, really looking forward to finally getting off the train and sleeping in my old bed at the castle.

As I promised to Ares he did get a talking to, this punishment begin so severe that all of us—except Flash and Shiny, who both stood by as we yelled at Ares with no small amount of amusement—took our time in telling the human how bucking stupid it was not telling us.

My little yelling spree was the shortest, only lasting about three hours. Luna’s was a little bit longer, at almost four hours of using her Canterlot voice.

Twilight’s was the longest so far, apparently she had somehow made up a three-hundred clip powerpoint while we were all eating breakfast, her yelling at Ares lasting about seven, that’s right , you heard me, seven hours.

Aunty Celestia decided to wait for her yelling the next day, which leads us to right now.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU THOUGHT THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT COULD JUST BE THROWN UNDER THE RUG! IN ALL MY YEARS—”

Shiny whistled, bunking a donut into his coffee. “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the Princess that angry.”

Aunty Luna nodded in agreement, sipping her cup of tar. “Thou art right, sir Shining, we do not recall when our sister last raised her voice in such a manner.”

I shot Aunty Luna a look. “Aunty… How can you drink that?”

My aunt raised an eyebrow at me, taking another sip. “The better question may be how all of you can drink such weak coffee. A thousand years ago that swell wouldn’t even have kept a foal awake.”

“AND ANOTHER THING-”

Flash Sentry put his head on the table and groaned as a server poured him another cup of joe. “Princess, are we almost there yet?”

“Why, Private?” Shiny asked with a little tease in his voice. “We already had somepony look at that shiner of yours,” he looked over at a now red Twilight. “Twilly, you sure do hit hard for your size.”

She looked mildly guilty at that, forcing herself to look at the Private. “Um, look, Mr. Flash, I’m sorry about,”

Flash waved her off, trying to keep a blush off his face. “It is alright, Lady Twilight, I would have hit me if I did something like that.”

The two smiled and looked away at each other bashfully, which was so sweet that I almost cooed.

I was interrupted from poking fun at the two when Aunty Celestia’s yelling suddenly stopped, and then there was this really loud hump, all of us looking at the cab’s door with a little bit of concern.

“...Did the Princess just kill Ares?” Flash Sentry asked. “I mean, it’s just like the movies, shouting then… nothing.”

Twilight threw the stallion a glare. “The Princess would never hurt anypony!”

Aunty Luna looked at the door before taking another sip of her coffee. “Still, we should see what our sister has done to our human friend… after we finish our breakfast.”

We all nodded at that, and, after finishing an assortment of coffee, donuts, pancakes, and some very good hay bacon, we all lined up at the cabs door and opened it cautiously, mentally preparing ourselves for whatever Aunty was doing to the human. When Shiny opened the door we saw something that none of us were expecting.

Aunty had Ares in a teary-eyed death-hug, the human, who was starting to turn an interesting shade of blue, was trying to wiggle out of her embrace. The two were sitting in a corner and I’m pretty sure that Aunty was whispering motherly, protective things to him.

Frankly, I really had to bite back a laugh.

“Help...me…” Ares managed to get out as Aunty nuzzled the top of his head, her eyes closed.

Flash snorted. “You doing alright there, Ares?”

Aunty’s eyes snapped open and she looked at us almost embarrassingly. “Oh, hello there,” she finally said, Twilight clearing her throat.

“Um, Princess, I think you’re killing Ares,” the unicorn told her, Aunty Celestia looking down at a now deeper blue Ares, gasping before she let him go.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ares,” she said as the human hit the ground with a gasp. “I didn’t mean to get carried away!”

A gasping Ares crawled away from the mare. “Oh sweet oxygen,” I heard him rasp. “I wanna fuck you, marry you, and have your babies.”

Shiny went over and poked the curled up human. “Are you alright there, Ares?”

The human looked up at the stallion. “By your wife's ass, Velma, it was awful,” Ares told Shiny, the two ignoring me stiffen. “First there was all of that yelling, then she hit me, then she tackled me muttering crazy things while she tried to strangle me!”

Shiny nodded. “Well, it’s your fault for not telling anypony.”

“I swear to god I’m gonna fuck your mother, Betty.”

Ares stiffened when he felt a wing touch the back of his neck, the human tackling the stallion. “Holy shit, she’s coming back to finish me off, Alicia. Forget about what I said about your mother, save me!”

Shiny rolled his eyes and looked over at me as I refurled my wing, a smile on my face.

Aunty Luna cleared her throat, stopping all of the nonsense in front of her. “Now that you are finished with our human friend, sister, thou should discuss what he should expect when he gets to our castle.”

Aunty Celestia blinked a few times, collecting Ares with a simple levitation spell, before nodding while we all ignored Ares making his protest at being held by her widely known.

For a little while at least, before I finally snapped, “Ares, will you be quiet?!”

The human squirmed harder. “She tried to kill me!”

I rolled my eyes at that, and Aunty gave the human her best puppy dog eyes, which made him flinch. “Ares,” I said. “If you don’t stop all of that nonsense then you wouldn’t be getting any breakfast.”

“...That’s cruel, Candy.”

I gave him a pretty steely gaze, pointing at Aunty Celestia. “Now, say you’re sorry to Aunty Celestia so we can tell you about Canterlot.”

“But she… fine,” he turned toward the still sad-looking Aunty Celestia, rolling his eyes and opening his arms. “Just watch the ribs, please.”

With an almost foalish amount of glee, Aunty Celestia all but tackled the human, her motherly nature showing through hard as she nuzzled Ares cheek.

Five hours later…

“—And after bowing to a Duke in at least a ninety degree angle the Barons-”

Something that many ponies know as common knowledge, my sister-in-law Twilight was a very well-read pony. What most don’t know was that she loved to teach what she knew, but sometimes that isn’t the best thing for her to do.

I don’t even think that she knew Ares was fast asleep with his head on the table while she continued what was a five hour lesson about every little think about our nobles, not that the rest of us were doing any better. Aunty Luna was curled in a ball snoring, as were Shiny and Flash, and even Aunty Celestia’s eyes were drooping every so often.

“And then that’s when it’s proper to kiss a Baronesses hoof and-”

What was the weirdest thing for me was how she got her hooves on a chalkboard.

Alright, I thought to myself, my hoof going up into the air. Enough of this.

Slam!

Everypony almost jumped out of their skins, expect Twilight, who didn’t even notice, all of them rubbing their eyes.

“Are we there yet?” Ares asked, looking around and yawning. “Shit, is Purple still talking?” Stretching his back, the human got up and walked over to Twilight, standing over the unicorn as she went on.

“Now remember, it’s two steps, not three, and-”

“Purple.”

“Because if you don’t then the countess will-”

“Twilight stop—” He sighed, facepalming. “Nope, I’m not going to do this…”

Twilight squeaked when the human spun her around and smooshed her face together.

“Purple,” Ares calmly said. “Are any of the staff going to be afraid of me?”

“No,” Twilight automatically said with a little bit of difficulty due to her lips being mashed together. “The staff have been trained to see—”

“Yes or no, Twilight.”

“...No.”

Ares nodded. “Good, now, do I have to bow to the nobility?”

“Yes, but—”

“Do I need to be supervised whenever I go out?”

“Yes and—”

Ares let her go. “That’s all I needed to know. I can bullshit the rest.”

Twilight frowned at that. “But you just can’t do that! You have to follow the procedure that I’ve planned out for you!”

Ares shook his head. “Just let me work my magic, Purple, five minutes with me and I’ll have your ruling class eating out of the palm of my hand.”

…

Oddly, Ares didn’t react like most did when they looked upon one of the seven equine-made wonders of the world, I.E. with a look of awe. No, when Ares saw Canterlot he frowned and said, “Why is that city on the side of a fucking mountain? I’m not an engineer but that doesn’t seem right…”

Also, it was kind of odd that not one of Canterlot residents batted an eye when they saw a big alien monkey with a big blue mustache walking with us.

“There must not be a lot of fires here, huh?” Ares asked while he played with his new mustache, looking around at the stone buildings.

Aunty Celestia nodded with pride, smiling at all of the ponies that were bowing to us. “You’re right, Ares, there hasn’t been a fire here in over a hundred years.”

Flash looked at the human with a frown, a hoof going to his tail. “Ares,” he said, looking past the battalion of guards that met us when we arrived. “Did you really need to take half of my tail?”

“Though you do look dashing with it, human friend, we are also curious as to why you needed that facial hair,” Aunty Luna said while Ares played with the tip of it.

“I’m just going to tell one of the greatest lies that your nobility had ever experienced, “Ares proudly said while he eyed a guard that was by his side. “Say, Princess, are any of these guards not white clones?”

Aunty Celestia ignored that last bit. “And what lie is that, Ares?”

“Are you a guy or a girl?” Ares asked the guard before looking at my aunt. “Oh, um, you’ll see. When we see them just go with what I do.”

Flash shook his head, looking toward me. “Princess,” he said. “Permission to have a look around the town?”

I smile at him. “Go have fun, Flash,” I told the stallion, nudging my head. “Just make sure that you get back to the castle in an hour or two, it’s going to get dark soon.”

Flash nodded, saluting me before he took off with a flap of his wings as we made our way to another one of the seven equine wonders of the world, Canterlot castle.

Ares hummed, looking up. “Huh, there are a lot of windows… There shouldn’t be that many windows on a castle.”

Aunty Celestia snorted. “There’s just no pleasing you, is there?”

Ares wringed his hands irritably. “Castles are supposed to be death traps for an invading army, with dirty, grey walls and tiny windows,” he waved his hands at the white marble walls. “Not this!”

“He is right, sister,” Aunty Luna said. “We have told thou more than once about this very fact.”

Aunty Celestia was about to say more when we all spied a group of some of the most despicable, greedy ponies in all of Equestria, the Canterlot nobles.

Once again Ares was unimpressed. “Huh, so you guys really do wear clothes,” He turned toward Twilight. “Purple, is the clothes thing normal here or—”

“Aunty!”

We all cringed when we heard that arrogant, pompous voice that we all hated, the owner of said voice making his way over to our little group.

I couldn’t keep the frown off my face as I gazed upon my mortal enemy, a pony who had bullied me when I was smaller and who, discreetly, had a rather sizeable bounty on his head if he ever came into my kingdom, the insufferable Princess Blueblood, who, in a normal brown-noser fashion, ignored all of the ‘lesser’ ponies and made his way over to my Aunt.

“Oh, hello, Blueblood,” Aunty Celestia said, giving the colt a weak smile. “It’s...nice to see you again after all of this time.”

Blueblood beamed up at Aunty, ignoring all of our glares, before he turned toward Ares, who was still playing with his fake facial hair.

“...Am I right in assuming that you are the human that we have all heard about, Mr.—”

Where and the hay did Ares get the monocle? I thought as Ares gave the prince a deep bow.

With the fakest Trottingham accent that I have ever heard, the human replied, “Right you are my good stallion. But where are my manners? I am Richard McRicherson, the Archduke of Shamalamadingdong!”

Everyone in our little group made this chuckle/snoring sound when Ares said this, Blueblood, oblivious to what was going on around him, gave the human his best smile, his eyes lighting up at the thought of another noble in his midst.

“Well, I must say that it is an honor meeting you; I am Prince Blueblood,” his chest puffed out when he said that, making he want to hit the stallion so hard that his smirk would fly off his face.

Ares gasped dramatically, falling to one knee. “My apologies, your highness,” again, all of us had to bite back laughter. “I did not know one such as yourself was in my midst, else I would have paid my respects sooner.”

Blueblood’s grin grew, waving the apology away. “You may rise my good, er, stallion,” Ares did so. “You’ll have to forgive me, sir, but I do not believe that I have heard of your kind before.”

Ares nodded, adjusting his monocle. “My people come from the far north, your highness,” the human lied. “I have been sent by her majesty to treat with your princesses for the benefit of our peoples,” He got down to bow to him again. “And I believe that I will also have the honor of treating with you, my lord.”

Rolling her eyes, Aunty Celestia discreetly kicking the human, Ares looking at her from the corner of his eye before getting up. “Though I would love to stay and chat, it seems that your princess has need of me, my lord.”

Blueblood’s smile dimmed a little at that. “Until we meet again then, good sir,” Blueblood tapped a hoof against his temple. “May I inquire as to what you are doing later? I’m sure that I could have a little soirée put together later tonight so you could get acquainted with some of the well-to-do ponies of this fair city.”

Ares sighed dramatically. “I do not know when I will be available, my good stallion, for my schedule is rather filled up, but I will make all attempts to hold you to that,” Ares snapped his fingers, a look of fake realization in his eyes. “Oh, and your highness, I have a servant boy with me.”

Blueblood nodded. “Oh?”

Ares make a disgusted grunt. “Quite, a boy that goes by the name of Ares, a commoner that carries my bags,” Blueblood nodded at this. “He also has the trouble of being a talker, so if you could, ignore him, I don’t—”

“No need to say anymore, sir” Blueblood said, waving a hoof. “I understand completely,” he snapped a hoof and turned around, his posse walking toward him. “Until we meet again my good stallion!” The stallion finally said, the nobility turning a corner, leaving us alone with our guards.

Ares sighed, ripping off the mustache. “Ow,” he said, looking at us. “Wow, I feel dirt now talking to that guy…” he smiled at us, something which I found hilarious, giggling to myself. “So how did I do?”

Aunty Celestia snorted. “You’re ridiculous, Ares. All you needed to do was tell us that you didn’t want to talk to a noble and they wouldn’t have been allowed a hundred feet from you.”

Ares grinned at her, picking up one of the guards and holding him/her like a baby, the guard squirming in his grasp. “But my way was funnier!” He said, playing with the guards belly. “Huh, it looks like you are a mare….”

Aunty Celestia groaned, rubbing her temples with a hoof as Ares put the now red-faced guard down. “Why did I let you talk me into this?”

Aunty Luna sat on her haunches. “We thought your disguise was clever, Ares,” she turned toward Aunty Celestia. “Sister, did thou see what your nephew ignore us, his better?” She snorted angrily. “Are we still forbidden from banishing that stallion?”

Aunty Celestia groaned again when Shiny finally said, “Ares, why did you just stallion-handle that guard? And why did you need that mustache for your… whatever you called it?”

Ares shrugged, eyeing another guard. “Because I wanted to know why they all looked the same and all the great leaders of my people have had mustaches, now,” he started for another guard, the usually stoic guardsponies taking a few nervous steps back. “Are you a boy or a girl?”

Canterlot marketplace, nighttime.

“—And then you’ll have to take a right and you’ll be in the office,” Twilight said as her and Ares made their way through the now dark city, Ares looking up at the stars.

“Purple…you know that you’re taking me to that head doctor tomorrow, right?” The human asked the unicorn, who had the grace to blush before composing herself.

“Yes…but what if the Princess needs me to do something else?” She asked with a stomp of her hoof. “What if you get lost and need to get there by yourself? What if—”

She stopped when they both heard the sound of glass breaking, the sound coming from a back alley.

Ares cocked his head. “Did you hear that, Purple?”

Twilight nodded, her eyes widening when she saw Ares walking toward the alley. “Ares, what are you doing?!”

Ares stopped and turned toward her. “Um, looking to see what made the noise,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What? No!” Twilight shook her head hard. “What if there’s a criminal back there?”

Ares rubbed his temples. “Twilight, does Canterlot have a high crime rate.”

“Of course not! There’s little of any—” She stopped, glaring at him. “That doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t happen!” She argued, Ares rolling his eyes and walking toward the alley.

“Come on, Purple, it might be a pony that’s in trouble or something,” not waiting for her reply he walked into the alley. “Adventure!”

Biting her lip Twilight went after him, her horn glowing slightly, ready in case something really did happen.

The two looked around the dirty, garbage-filled alley, Ares humming. “Huh, it looks like—”

“THE SCRUNCH!”

To her embarrassment, Twilight let out a girly scream, hopping into an amused Ares arms as a shadow loomed over the alley rather threatingly, which grew smaller as the alleys other occupant revealed themselves and made their way toward the two.

“RunAresrunwegottagetawaywegottagetaway!” Twilight shrilly screamed.

“Twilight—”

“It’sgonnagetus!”

“Twilight, its just a pony.”

“Ifwegetaway—” She stopped, looking up at him with confusion in her eyes. “...What?”

The human pointed at the pony, who was standing-on their hind legs no less- a few feet away from them. “Yep, just a pony, and she looks pretty smashed…”

Trying hard and failing hard not to blush she looked at this mystery pony, who was familiar to the unicorn. “...Berry Punch? It that you?”

The now named Berry Punch scrunched her face at the unicorn, drunkenly making her way to the two with a bottle in her hoof. “Is that you, Colgate?” she slurred. “I told you a hundred times, it’s not illegal to sleep in a fountain!”

Ares bit back a laugh, putting Twilight down and making his way toward the adorably drunk pony. “Wow, she smells like a brewery,” he said as the pony poked at him. “Did you say that you know this pony, Purple?”

Twilight nodded, a confused look on her face. “Yes, she lives in Ponyville, the town I’m from,” She took a step toward Berry Punch, who was trying to climb up the humans leg, muttering drunkenly to herself.

“Berry, it’s Twilight, why are you in Canterlot? And why are you in a back alley?” She frowned at the earth pony. “Are you even allowed to be away from Ponyville?”

Berry Punch drunkenly snorted, taking a swig of her drink. “Shut up, Colgate, I need to talk to the monkey for a second,” she hiccuped, motioning the human to lean down. “You wanna know something, monkey?”

Ares, trying desperately to hold back his laughter, nodded. “Sure silly pony, lay some knowledge on me.”

Berry nodded, almost falling over at the attempt. “The scrunch,” she whispered to him.

Ares looked over at Twilight questioningly before looking back down at the mare. “...Scrunch?”

Berry nodded again, somehow leaning forward on her hind legs and rubbing her temples with her hooves, scrunching her face harder than the human had ever seen a pony do. “The scrunch is everything, Monkey, it gets into your head, making you think crazy things, giving it power.”

Twilight scrunched her face at the mare. “Berry Punch—”

“THE SCRUNCH!” The mare screamed, pointing at Twilight, who just realized what she did.

“Humm,” Ares said, starting to scrunch his face and stopping himself. “Holy shit, I almost did it too,” his eyes widened as Berry Punch nodded.

Twilight stomped a hoof down, her face scrunching up in sheer bewilderment. “Now wait just a second—”

Ares pointed at her. “Look, Purple, you’re doing it now!”

“Just let the scrunch in monkey!” Berry screamed, dropping her bottle and pointing up into the air

“The scrunch is taking over my mind!” The human yelled, holding his head in his hands.

“ ALL HAIL THE SCRUNCH!” Berry yelled before slumping over, finally passing out, Ares picking her up and holding her like a baby with a chuckle, confusing Twilight and making a crazy situation even odder.

“...What just happened?” She finally asked, Ares making his way toward her and patting her on the head.

“The scrunch just happened, Purple,” Ares told her. “Come on, we’ll go to a late night store and get some shampoo for her,” he gave Berry Punch a sniff, his nose scrunching up at her garbage-y, alcohol-y smell. “We’ll dump her in a fountain, clean her, and get her a room in the castle,” he nodded to himself, patted the mare on the rump, and made his way out of the alley.

Twilight opened her mouth and closed it. “I’m not even going to question it,” she muttered. “There’s no need for a headache.”

Meanwhile, Berry Punch regained consciousness, the earth pony looking up at the sky with grim determination etched on her face.

“When I close my eyes I see the Lovecraftian horrors that corrupt mortal souls,” the mare whispered. “They invade our minds and whisper of our destruction, waiting for the day when they are set free. When that grim day comes I will be at the ready, to save equine kind in its greatest hour of need, but for now I wait…”

Ares looked down at her. “What did you say, Cutie?”

Berry looked drunkenly at him, scrunching her face again. “My mind is full of scrunch and I love it!”

Author's Notes:

Sorry about the pretty heavy Chapter, but anyone's gonna be messed up after almost dying.

This Chapter bummed me out a little, so I wrote a little something, go and read it, it's silly and it'll make you feel better.

Pinkie promise.