Have you ever had that awkward breakfast where one of your family members had a little ‘fun’ and you got to meet the pony that they were with the night before?

Well, imagine that, except it was Ares bringing a back-alley pony back to the castle, that was what most of us were experiencing as we kept sneaking glances at this ‘Berry Punch’, who had her head on the table with a cup of tar like Aunty Luna had in her hoof.

Not looking up from my breakfast, I leaned toward Ares, muttering, “Where did you find this pony again, Ares?”

Ares leaned over with me. “Like I said, Candy, in a back alley in the middle of the night.”

I looked over to him, scrunching my face at him in irritation, which he found hilarious for some reason. “Do I need to go with you everywhere too?” I asked him. “It’s easy to see that you need two ponies watching you so you don’t corrupt the other with your nonsense.”

The human stuck his tongue out at me. “I love you too, Candy.”

Shiny took a bleary-eyed sip of his coffee. “If you’re going to announce your love to my wife, do it later in the day, Ares. I can’t defend her honor this early in the morning.”

Ares threw the stallion a wink before he started to rub the mystery pony’s back. “Are you alright there, Berry?”

The mare looked up at him before she groaned. “Awwww!” She said, her head hitting the table with a thud.

I heard Aunty Celestia choke back a snort. “It seems that young Ares finds the most colorful of my little ponies,” she said to Aunty Luna, who shrugged.

“We see nothing wrong with the mare,” she said, taking a sip of her tar. “If anything, the way our subject takes her morning beverage shows her merit.”

I heard Twilight cough awkwardly, getting everypony to look at her. “Well, as nice as...this,” she waved her hooves around, “—has been; Berry, do you happen to have a way to get back to Ponyville?”

The mare responded with another groan, Twilight ready to say more when one of Aunty Celestia’s guards walked toward her with a little unicorn filly in tow.

“Your majesty,” he said, the two bowing. “This filly has been looking for her mother and said that she may be in your company.”

The cute little filly looked up at Aunty Celestia, giving her the cutest little smile that I had ever seen. “Hello your Majesties!” She said, her voice cracking slightly.

Aunty Celestia smiled down at her while the rest of us cooed at the fillies adorableness. “Hello, little one,” she said, the filly frowning.

“I’m not little…” she pouted, sitting on her rump and crossing her hoofs, which made Ares hold his heart, nearly falling out of his chair. “I got a train ticket all by myself to come to Canterlot to get my mommy and everything!”

She looked past Aunty to the hung-over pony, waving. “Hi mommy! I knew you’d be here!” She got up and showed us all her cutie mark, which was a pony-shaped black blob with a question mark right next to it. “It’s my special talent to find lost ponies,” she explained to us.

Aunty raised an eyebrow. “You came here all by yourself, little one?”

The filly got that adorable pouty face again. “Well… my other mommy Colgate came with me, but I found mommy first!”

Aunty looked at the guard, who nodded. “The filly speaks the truth, your Majesty.”

“Then why did this Colgate not come with—”

“Berry Pinch,” the filly supplied, Ares holding his chest again but this time falling out of his chair.

“—Berry Pinch?”

The guard looked around nervously while Aunty took a sip of her coffee. “Well?”

“The filly was very persuasive, your highness,” the guard muttered while Berry Pinch nodded with a smile.

“Yep, I said I was going to cry if he didn’t let me go by myself!” She looked over at Ares, a look of worry plastered on her little face.

Ignoring the guard she walked around the table toward the fallen human, sitting on her haunches and poking his side. Looking over at me she asked, “Princess, is your pet okay?” Shiny, Flash, Twilight, and myself chuckled quietly at that as Ares looked up at the filly.

“Hey! I’m not her pet,” he said, sitting up. “I’m more like a bum that doesn’t leave her alone.”

The little unicorn gasped, looking up at him. “Oh, I’m sorry mister!” She squeaked, her ears folded against her head. “I didn’t know you could talk…I’m sorry…”

Ares smiled at her, patting her on the head soothingly. “No hard feelings, kid,” he said, the filly smiling up at him. “Now, how about you get your other mom and you can join us for a little breakfast?” The two turned toward the fillies mother, who was now snoring rather loudly.

“Then we’ll see if we can get your mom awake again, huh?”

An hour later…

“Bye mister Ares, bye Princesses!” Berry Pinch called while her mothers led her into the train, the blue unicorn named Colgate glaring at her wife, who ignored it.

We all waved back at her as the Train Conductor started to make his calls.

“You’re really something, Ares,” I murmured to the human.

“There’s no need to be upset, Candy, just because kids like me more than you and some of them want to sit in my lap while they eat doesn’t mean that you’re not special.”

“Go eat a bucket of horse apples.”

“Be jelly at my power, Candy.”

Twilight cleared her throat, magicking a clipboard and looking down at it. “Well, now that that’s over we really need to get you two to where you need to go,” she said to Ares and I, the two of us sharing a looked of mild dread.

My purple sister-in-law frowned when she saw our looks, huffing. “Come on you guys! If we don’t hurry we’ll be behind schedule!”

Rolling our eyes, Ares and I turned around, the human extending a closed hand at me.

“Have fun at the cooch doctor’s,” he said with a little tease in his voice.

I snorted, thinking about not giving him a hoofbump but deciding against it, bumping the humans fist.

“Have fun with Doctor Mind Free,” I said, giving him my best unnerving smile. “I hear he’s quite the psychologist.”

Turning around and making my way toward Shiny, I ignored Ares as he said, “Wait a second, whataya mean, Candy? Candy?”

My smirk grew as Aunty Celestia threw a sly wink my way as we passed her, both of the princesses also getting ready to leave to do their duties.

That just left Flash Sentry. “Flash,” I called over my shoulder. “Stay with Ares, I’m sure that you don’t want to come with Shining and I.”

Thought I didn’t look back to see it, I’m sure that the stallion saluted me. “Yes, Cad—I mean your majesty!”

Smiling, despite the doubts, fears, and many other negative emotions that were starting to well up in me, I looked back at Shiny, and, seeing the same fears starting to present themselves on his face, I stop and grab his hoof, giving it a squeeze.

“Come on, Shiny, let’s get this over and done with.”

As if sensing my doubt, the stallion rallied his courage. “Don’t worry, Cadence, everything will turn out alright.”

I gave his hoof another squeeze, not commenting that he really didn’t sound like he meant that.

But what if it doesn’t turn out alright? I couldn’t help but think to myself. Can I let you live a life with a child-less immortal? Would you want to?

...

Ares walked down the cobbled streets, whistling a little tune as Twilight led him and Flash through the city to what Ares called, ‘the crazy part of town.’

Looking to his left and right, the human saw that every house was a business that had something to do with psychology.

Not able to stop himself, the human said, “Purple, are we there yet?”

Twilight, not turning around as she scanned the buildings’ signs like a hawk, said, “Well, if the directions I got the other day were correct then it should be right—there is is!”

The three stopped to look at the rather odd sign that was outside of an equally odd house, said building leaning dangerously to one side.

Dr. Mind Free’s Psychological Practice

The three frowned at the sign, which was just as tilted as the building.

“Purple,” Ares said, breaking the silence. “Are you sure this is the guy that I’m supposed to be going to?”

Twilight nodded slowly. “...Yes, the princess recommended this psychologist—”

“You mean head doctor?” Ares interrupted, making Twilight rolling her eyes before continuing.

“—Psychologists as one of the best ones in the city.”

“Princess Celestia recommended this stallion, right?” Flash asked. “It wasn’t Princess Luna?”

Twilight was about to reply when an alarm clock suddenly appeared in front of the three, and began to go off, scaring the pants off Ares and Flash. Twilight just gasped, picking up the two with her magic and racing toward the building door.

“We need to hurry!” Twilight yelled. “We’re going to be late for your appointment!”

“You had an alarm?” Ares asked as she carried him to the door. “..That’s weird, Purpl—urk!”

Luckily for Ares, as the human and stallion were tossed through the door, he was able to use Flash as a makeshift shield, the stallion grunting as his body hit the door, knocking it over and leaving the two groaning on the ground.

“Ares, you bucking bucker!” Flash snapped, quickly checking himself for injury and finding none.

The human rolled off his friend and onto the safe, soft carpeted ground. “Did ya think I was gonna take the hit, Flashy-boy?”

“That hurt!”

“Well, was me getting hurt going to solve the problem? If you’re going to be mad be mad a—urk!” Twilight, muttering to herself in panic, tried to hop over Ares and misjudging the distance, landing right onto his stomach, not missing a beat as she picked him up, the wind knocked out of him, and put him on one of the waiting rooms chairs and all but throwing Flash off the broken door and levitating it up. With a simple spell that was also fixed, Twilight taking a calming breath.

“Boy, that was close,” She said, wiping the sweat from her brow. “We were almost-” She stopped when he noticed that the human and Flash were glaring at her.

“Purple,” Ares wheezed out. “If you were a guy I’d punch you in the mouth.”

She cocked her head at him while she helped Flash to his hooves, a confused expression on her face. “Why, Ares?”

The human looked at her disbelievingly before wringing his hands. “What do you mean, Twilight?! You threw the two of us through a door!”

The unicorn blushed, her eyes widening when she realized that was what, in fact, she did. She opened her mouth to apologize when the three heard somepony clearing their throat. The three looked over to see a blue unicorn sitting behind a desk with a magazine held in her hooves, staring at the three with an almost bored expression.

“Do you have an appointment?” The mare asked as the three stared back at her with various levels of embarrassment.

“Yeah,” Ares sat before he got up and, clearing his throat, made his way over to the secretary. “I’m Ares Costelnock; I’m the doctor’s one-thirty.”

The mare raised an eyebrow, looking down at a clipboard before nodding. “Alright, have you been worked on by the doctor before?”

Ares shook his head at the mare, deciding not to comment on being ‘worked’ by a head doctor. “No ma’am, can’t say that I have.”

To Ares increased confusion the mare sighed almost sadly. “Well, Mr. Ares, just a fair warning, Dr. Mind Free’s a bit… energetic and different in his practice.”

“Okay…”

The mare gave him a little smile as she nudged her head at a door. “The doctor will see you then!”

Giving the mare a nod, Ares slowly made his way to the door, looking back at Twilight and Flash.

Twilight, seeing her friends misgivings, smiled. “Don’t worry, Ares, you’ll be fine.”

Flash nodded, walking over and sitting next to her, much to Ares amusement. “Yeah, don’t worry, Ares, if that doctor tried anything I’ll give him the ol’ one-two!”

Everyone in the room rolled their eyes at that, Ares slowly opening the door and poking his head through. “Doctor Mind Free?” he said, stepping through and closing the door, looking around the room.

It was basically like every crazy head-doctor’s office that Ares had ever seen on T.V., complete with one of those big sofa thingy's, and a few motivational posters and other calming things all around it. What it did not have was a pony doctor.

The human turned back through the door. “Hey, um, secretary lady? The doctor isn—”

“BOOO!” A voice shouted behind the human, Ares eyes widening.

Letting his fight-or-flight response take over, Ares spun around, upper-cutting his would-be attacker right in the jaw, finding out too late that it wasn’t some burglar or other criminal scum, but some white pony wearing a fancy coat.

His fist connecting with the poor stallions lower jaw, Ares lifted the surprisingly light pony into the air and up into the ceiling, the ponies eyes rolling into the back of his head as his horn stuck him into the ceiling.

Are fell back onto his ass, looking up at the now unconscious pony with more than a bit of alarm. Huh, he kinda looks like a piñata now, he thought as Flash bucked down the door, a concerned look on his face, with Twilight closely following.

“Ares, what’s going on?” The private all but yelled, his eyes scanning the room for potential enemies. “I heard so—” He stopped when he saw the pony sticking out from the ceiling.

“Flash,” Ares said calmly, looking over at his friend. “I think I just killed a pony….”

The stallion just blinked at the body. “How and the hay did he get all the way up there?”

“It’s not that high up,” Ares said, almost bashfully. “But I kinda knocked him u—”

The three gasped when the stallions eyes snapped open, looking down at the three as the secretary made her appearance, shaking her head at her boss.

“Sir, are you okay?,” She asked, the stallion rolling his jaw slowly before nodding.

“I think so, Lye Lane, but I could use a little help getting down…”

“Hang on there, doctor-man,” Ares said, grabbing the stallions sides and gently pulling him down. “I got you.”

The stallion looked at the human, seemingly noticing him for the first time. “Oh, hello there,” Mind Free said cheerfully as Ares put him down. “You’re the human that the princesses contacted me about!”

Ares raised an eyebrow as the stallion giddily hopped around the room. “Yeah…” For once, Ares really couldn’t think of anything to say. “So, Doc, are you okay? I did hit you pretty hard…”

The doctor nodded almost happily. “Yep, you really mashed my potatoes!”

Ares looked at the doctor, opening his mouth and slowly closing it, looking at everyone in the room to see if he was somehow being made fun of.

“Twilight,” he finally said. “I think the princesses and I need to have a little chat about-”

Everyone blinked as the doctor teleported behind Ares and wrapped a hoof around his shoulders. “Now!” the doctor said with joker-like grin. “How about we get started, Mr. Ares? You are on the clock after all.”

The human’s eye twitched dangerously. “Doc, I don’t think my body’s ready for this…”

The doctor’s smile only widened. “Too bad!” With a spell Ares was on the sofa, everyone other than the doctor was teleported out of the room, and the door was fixed. With a nod the doctor made his way over to his chair, hopping onto it and clearing his throat.

“Well, tell me, Ares, what seems to be the problem?”

…

Our Lord Star Swirl’s Medical Center

Shiny and I looked up at the sign of this big, white building, our dread beginning to build up. Shiny was the one that tried to break the tension.

“You think they’d change the name of this place by now,” he tried, and failed, to say jokingly.

I just looked over at him, rolling my eyes, before I made my way through the slide-y doors. “Come on, Shining,” I said, looking at the map on the wall. “Quit messing around and help me find the way to get to the baby section of this place.”

Shining tried hard not to smile. “You mean the ‘department of experimental theories on conception’?”

I bit back a snort. “You sound like your sister,” I said teasingly.

Shiny snorted right back. “Well you sound like Ares,” he said, pointing at where we needed to go. “I mean, all you need to do is say hickey with every sentence and wear pants and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference!”

I refused to dignify that with an answer as we walked through the labyrinth of hallways until we reached a pair of big double doors.

Department of Experimental Theories on Conception

“Well,” I said stopping in front of the doors. “I guess I need to go through those doors and start this…”

Shiny gave me a reassuring nuzzle. “Don’t worry, Cadence, everything will be alright.”

I let out a sad sigh, sitting down on my haunches. “I don’t know, Shiny,” I said, my head drooping. “It’s not even the fact that I may be sterile that’s bothering me,” I told him. “It’s the fact that all of these studies and all of this nonsense might just be for nothing.”

Shiny nuzzled me again and I had to fight back tears. “What if I’m sterile, Shiny?” I almost whispered, kind of hoping he wouldn’t answer me.

His answer was another nuzzle. “Then we’ll deal with that if it presents itself,” he simply said before giving me a little smile. “Hey, at least whatever you’re going to go through is nothing compared to what Ares is dealing with right now.”

…

“A-And t-then she t-told me s-she didn’t l-love me!” Doctor Mind Free cried, burying his muzzle into a resigned Ares shoulder, the human calmly patting him on the back while the stallion began to openly weep.

“There, there, Doc,” Ares said. “Just let it all out.”

After a few minutes the stallion eventually settled into shaky breaths, Ares looking down at him with a raised eyebrow. “Feel better?”

Mind Free looked up at the human and smiled, sniffling and wiping his nose with a hoof. “Yeah,” the stallion said after he cleared his throat. “Thanks, Doctor, I needed that!”

Groaning, Ares all but shoved the stallion off him before putting his head in his hands. “I’m your patient you fucking putz!”

…

Oddly happy that Ares was probably having a more difficult time than me, I cleared my throat, straightened by back, and gently knocked on the door.

“Well, will you look at that,” I said, beginning to turn away. “It looks like noponies’—”

Did you know that, even if you’re a unicorn, it’s very unpleasant to be teleported by anypony else? I’ve never saw the practicality of the spell anyway; even after almost a thousand years after its creation, the teleportation spell still had a chance to phase you into a wall if you weren’t careful.

I mean, its almost just for show really, there’s nopony alive, including my Aunty’s, that can use it to travel more than ten miles at a time. So it made sense that all of this was made way harder for a unicorn when they teleported more than just themselves, such made it quite the surprise for me when Shiny and I were teleported into a bright room with three ponies in lab coats standing in front of us.

Still queasy, I did what any self respecting pony would do, I started yelling at them.

“WHAT AND THE HAY AR—urk! COLD, COLD!” In the middle of my anger rant, one of the mysterious ponies, a giddy-looking orange unicorn mare, all but picked me up and threw me into some kind of portable shower thingy, turning it on.

Sweet Faust, it was like I was in an ice cube.

“Good afternoon, Princess!” The mare happily said, shoving a bar of soap into my hooves. “I’m Doctor Scalpel, over there are my associates Dr. Holster and Dr. Hooves—say hello fellas!—we're going to be the ones that are going to study—er, I mean see if we can help you with your ‘problems’; if you have any that is.”

My eye twitched a little when the mare gave me a big smile. “Now, could you please take that lava soap and scrub yourself thoroughly? We need to get you squeaky-clean before we can start any of our test!”

Shiny, who looked so confused that he was just looking around the white, medical equipment infested room in bewilderment, so I wasn’t getting any help there.

Well, I cautiously thought to myself, giving the mare a weak smile as she put both of her front hooves out, obviously waiting for me to give her my crown and chest plate. She DOES have a lab coat on…

I think this ‘Dr. Scalpel’ had to bite back a squeal as I hooved over my garments to her and started to scrub my body.

“Oh, this is going to be great!” The mare said, magicking a clipboard over to herself. “I can’t believe I’m going to be one of the first ponies to properly study an alicorn!”

One of the doctors, a big, grey Earth pony with a blue coat on, cleared his throat irritably. “For Faust sakes, Scalpel, give the girl five seconds to think,” he said in one of the gravelliest voices that I have ever heard. “You’ll have all day to poke at her.”

With all of us watching, the stallion reached into a pocket and pulled out a bottle of pills, and, popping off the cap, swallowed a mouthful.

Shiny raised an eyebrow. “You have a doctor’s prescription for those right, Doctor?”

The grey stallion looked down at my husband, raising an eyebrow himself. “Are you a guard, boy?”

“Ex-captain of the guard, yes.”

“Huh,” the stallion said calmly, putting his bottle of pills away in another pocket and patting it thoughtfully. “Then yes, Officer, I have a prescription for these pills.“ The stallion gave Shiny a hint of a smile. “I’m a doctor, boy, would I lie to you?”

…

After the crazy head-doctors little… ‘episode’, Ares was now laying back down in his sofa, his eyes closed and with the doctors secretary in his lap.

The doctor hummed thoughtfully, eyeing a clipboard as he sat in his chair. “Alright, Mr. Ares,” he began. “Now how about you—”

“Doctor Mind Free,” an annoyed secretary said, trying to stay irritated while Ares was stroking her back. “Do I really need to be here?” She bit back a happy sigh as the human started to play with her ears. “This is very inappropriate!”

The doctor looked up from his clipboard, an irritated look on his face. “Yes, Lye Lane, you need to be here,” he said. “What Mr. Ares and I are going to talk about will probably make him, and probably me for that matter, very uncomfortable. From what the Princess told me, Ares here is usually kept calm by holding another.”

“I’m right here, Doc,” Ares deadpanned, wiggling around the sofa to get a little more comfortable. “You don’t need to talk to me like I’m in the other room.”

Lye Lane cracked open an eye to glare at the Doctor while she tried to keep her head from resting on the humans chest. “So I’m just an over-sized teddy bear?” she demanded, internally cursing herself as her tail slowly wrapped itself around the humans leg.

The doctor nodded enthusiastically. “Yep, and if he loses it you’ll give me enough time to get away while he beats you to death with his super-ape strength!”

Ares shook his head as the secretary stiffened in fear. “Doc, I’m still here,” he said, gently petting Lye’s back. “Don’t worry sweetie, I’m not gonna do anything to you; unlike what Mr. Crazy over there says about me, I’m a pretty calm guy and I would never hurt a wo—er, mare.”

He opened an eye to glare at the doctor. “Now, Doc, are you going to start asking me things or are you going to keep scaring people?”

Seeing the human’s and mare’s glares, the stallion cleared his throat nervously. “Alrighty, Ares, I need you to tell me about your time in the Crystal Empire’s tundra.”

Ares stopped petting the secretary for a moment, something that wasn’t lost on the doctor. “Okay, how about we start with something simple; what were the sounds like when you were out there?”

Ares opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling as he carefully collected his thoughts, deciding on whether or not to talk about this at all. I’m not going to talk about this, he finally decided, starting to get up when he remembered something.

You almost died trying to help me, why would you expect anything less from me?

Despite everything, Ares let out a weak chuckle. Here I am bitchin’ about my problems when Candy has it so much worse, he started to pet the mare in his lap again. She’d kill me if I didn’t at least TRY.

With another shaky sigh, Ares closed his eyes again. “A lot of it was loud,” he quietly, the doctor leaning in with interest. “It was always windy, like windy enough that you had to really dig in your heels if you wanted to keep your feet.”

Lye Lane opened an eye to look up at the human, seeing his eyes glazing over slightly as his hand began to shake slightly, the mare looking at her boss with her ears splayed back.

The doctor ignored this, waving a hoof. “Keep going, Ares,” he said gently.

The two heard Ares gulp. “There must have been some funny-shaped mountains, because whenever the wind hit it sounded like s-screaming,” the human shook his head, a hand going to his temples as he opened his eyes to look pleadingly at the doctor.

“Doc, is it alright if we finish for today?”

Nodding slowly and looking up from his clipboard, Mind Free nodded. “Of course, Ares, we can stop now if you want to.”

Muttering his thanks, the human gently picked up Lye Lane and placed the mare on the carpet. Playing with her ears one final time, Ares got up and made his way to the door, stopping when he noticed his still-shaking hand.

Opening and closing his hand. He looked over his shoulder at the doctor and secretary, his eyes unreadable. “Same time next week, Doc?”

The doctor nodded, a dopey grin growing on his face. “Yep! I promise that I won’t try to scare you next time!”

That got the stallion a weak chuckle, Ares opening and walking through the door while the doctor put down his clipboard and began to rub his temples. “Well, that went better than I expected,” he said, rubbing his aching jaw.

“Thankfully I thought to put a protective spell on myself, otherwise Mr. Ares might have taken my head off…”

Lye Lane looked over at her boss, still annoyed. “Did you really need to act like a fool, Doctor?”

The doctor nodded. “Ares wouldn’t have had anything to do with me if I acted like a stiff upper-lipped busybody. So act like the fool I shall.”

The secretary rolled her eyes, making her way toward the door. “Well, if you want to look silly at least leave me out of being a teddy bear.”

“Admit it, Lye, you loved it.”

“...Shut it or I won’t get you any painkillers.”

“...Yes, ma’am.”

….

Now, like most mares, I’ve been to the gynecologist. Sure, it’s a little weird the first time you go there—especially if your first doctor is a stallion- but it really isn’t that bad. You go there, get your hooves into those stirrups, and try not to groan as the doctor tries to tell you a very inappropriate joke to try to lighten the mood. After that, you can almost forget that somepony’s looking at your bits.

...Well, it would be nice if the doctors could figure out how to keep their hooves from getting so cold, but…

It’s still not that bad… usually.

When it gets bad is when there’s three ponies pretty much sticking their noses in you and muttering to each other while one of the doctors is being either creepy or weird.

“Do I detect a scent of rose water and lilacs?” I heard Dr. Holster—who was a gynecologist and had been one for the better part of thirty years, or so he claimed—say.

What would have horrified me twenty minutes ago, and it did when the doctors started complemented my on the health of my lips—and not the ones on my face if you were curious—only made me groan, putting my head in my hooves.

I saw Doctor Hooves hit the creepy doctor on the back of the head. “Hol, if you’re going to be a bucking weirdo, then go over there and check up on the blood work!”

Shiny looked up from his magazine to stare calmy at the stallion. “You’d better do what he says doctor, nopony would want you to accidentally have a chair broken over your head, would you?”

I was indifferent to the creepy doctor’s discomfort, the stallion taking the hint and making his way over to some spiny thing that supposedly separated all of the different parts of my blood.

I let out a shaky sigh as the stallion started to fiddle with the machine, looking down at the grumpy doctor gratefully. “Thanks doctor—epp!”

You know what? I take back everything I said about going to a bucking gynecologists! I mean could you at least WARN me before you start sticking things inside me?!

...To be fair, Doctor Scalpel was more of a scientist than a doctor, but still!

“Well, your vaginal orifice seems healthy and whole and your cervix is just like any mare’s,” I didn’t comment that she sounded disappointed at that. “So I don’t think your marehood’s the problem…”

Doctor Hooves snorted. “I told you,” he muttered, Scalpel ignoring him as she continued.

“So it might just be that you have something in you abnormal that resists a normal stallion’s seed.”

Hooves rolled his eyes when he saw the look I gave his fellow doctor. “Lady, you’re an immortal Princess with massive amounts of power that you can call up with a thought; there’s nothing normal about you.”

Shiny looked up from his magazine again, but before he could open his mouth the doctor stopped him with a look. “Boy, you can be the big-dick stallion with anypony else but me, so just keep looking at your—”

“Doctor,” I interrupted, irritated at the stallions attitude and trying to look threatening while my legs were spread so widely that I couldn’t possibly not look silly. “Have you ever been in the dungeons? I heard they’re awful this time of year; especially when somepony is mean to somepony else's stallion.”

The stallion just chuckled, pulling out his pills and taking another mouthful of them. “Alright, alright, I’ll be nice, no need to get snippy, girly.”

I gave the stallion a stern nod as the creep doctor Holster made his way back over to us with a worried look. “Um, Scalpel, is the Centrifuge supposed to be on fire?”

Doctor Scalpel’s eyes widened almost comically as she gasped, spinning around and almost knocking her fellow doctor over to get to the machine, which was indeed on fire.

“HOL, YOU BUCKING IDIOT!” The mare shrilly yelled, unplugging the machine. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BABY?!”

The stallion shook his head insistently. “I didn’t do anything! I was just looking at the thing and it started to catch on fire!”

“THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT IT OUT LIKE A NORMAL PONY?!”

“BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW IF THAT WAS PART OF WHAT THAT CRAZY MACHINE DOES!” The stallion yelled back. “I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU MAKE THAT THING OUT OF? PAPERCLIPS AND GUM?”

“YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH ABOUT MY BABY!”

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU MEANIE!

I watched with a little concern as the machine kind of exploded, Doctor Scalpel throwing her hooves up in frustration. “NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!”

“WHAT I DID?!!”

Doctor Hooves, who had been watching the whole scene with barely restrained amusement, looked up at me while he waved a hoof in a dismissive motion. “Princess, go and take a bathroom break or something while the two dummies work this out.”

He hummed thoughtfully as I rolled off the cold table, wiggling the feeling back into my hooves. “Oh, and we’re probably going to have to take more blood since the machine’s on fire.”

I gave the stallion a slightly relieved look and nodded, making my way over to Shiny, who had risen from his seat and was making his way over to the small fire with a fire extinguisher held in the air with his magic.

“Shining,” I said, nudging my head at the mess. “Could you go and help them while I got to the bathroom and get some coffee?”

Shiny nodded, hefting the fire extinguisher with a determined look. “Could you get me something, Honey?”

“Sure.”

He gave me a smile and a nuzzle. “Thanks…. FOR THE PRINCESSES!” With that the stallion all but charged the fire, a smile tugging at my lips a Shiny accidently sprayed doctor Scalpel, Doctor Hooves falling to the floor in laughter while the mare sputtered.

“Why did Aunty Celestia send me to these crazy ponies?” I muttered to myself, opening and going through the areas main doors.

Shutting the door behind me and making my way to the closest bathroom to do my business, I let the little brave face that I had been keeping up for Shiny slip. I sighed sadly, staring at the floor and sitting on my haunches in the middle of the empty hall.

“Alright, Cadence,” I muttered to myself. “You probably have another three hours of this nonsense, so what do youreally want to drink?” After a bit of looking I found something that would probably be a better pick-me-up than just simple coffee; a Colta-Cola vending machine.

“Should I get a diet or regular?” I muttered after getting Shiny his drink. I couldn’t help but snort to myself; of course it was going to get the normal kind. My day had been pretty rough, and besides, diet colta-cola tastes awful.

Smiling at the sizzling sound the can made when I opened it, I took a sip, sighing at the flavor. “Ahh, I needed this,” I said, closing my eyes and sitting back down. Just then I had a little crazy idea.

What if I just left?

The thought made me open my eyes in shock, and I tried to shake the horrible, cowardly thought away, but it persisted. I mean, how easy would it be for me to just turn down this hall and walk out of the building?

I even knew a simple spell that I could disguise myself so I wouldn’t be noticed. It would be simple to just walk into the sunset and give up my crown and husband. Then Shiny could go and get married to a normal mare and they would have all of the kids that they wanted…

After a little more thought, this once horrible, cowardly idea started to seem like a pretty good idea.

At least until I remembered something Ares said.

“Most of the people that say that haven’t gone through what you and Shining are going through right now, so I’m just gonna sit here and you can cry on my shoulder or sock me again in the face until you want to do something else.”

Suddenly, I was deeply ashamed of my little ‘plan’. Here I was, with a bunch of people that deeply cared about me, and I was thinking about running away from my troubles like a little filly.

Well, I thought to myself, grimly getting back to my hooves. Enough of this cowardly thinking. It’s time to mare up and go back in there with those doctors and get poked at some more!

Giggling quietly at my awful pep talk, I made my way back toward the baby-making wing, humming a little tune. Even if this wasn’t going to work I was in it until the end, no matter what.

Canterlot Castle, Hours later.

“So how was thy examination today, human friend?” Luna asked Ares as she lead him around the castle, showing the human around while her sister was entertaining foreign dignitaries.

Ares looked down at his hand, opening and closing it before he looked over at the alicorn, giving her a weak smile. “It was a pretty good first day.”

“We heard that you almost beat the doctor to death when he frightened you.”

Ares snorted. “I only hit him once and it was an accident for Christ sakes. It was his fault for jumping out and scaring me.”

The alicorn patted her friend on the back with a wing. “Sir Mind Free was the doctor that we went to when… we returned home. He may seem energetic but we wouldn’t have prefered another.”

The two then went into a bout of silence, the only sounds were Ares footstep along with Luna’s footsteps, the two turning the corner.

“...Luna, does it get any easier?”

The alicorn, looking over at him with an emotionless mask, said, “Eventually, at least it did for us.”

Not wanting to ruin the mood anymore, Ares changed the subject. “So, where are you taking me, Luna? Some weird sex dungeon or something?”

The princess let out a snort, gently hip-checking her friend. “We do not appreciate your jest, young Ares!” She said with a bit of tease in her voice. “We are not taking you to a dungeon of any sorts. You, human, have the honor of seeing our bed chambers!”

Ares rolled his eyes. “—So a sex dungeon, then?”

That got him a playful whack on the back of his head as they came upon a big, golden door with an insignia on it. Luna, with as much flourish as she could muster, opened the door and led Ares into a dark, seemingly empty room.

“Welcome to our bed chambers, Ares!” Luna said, turning away from him so he couldn’t see her mischievous grin. “Oh, and Ares?”

“Yes, Princess?”

The princess of the night walked a little further away from the human, who seemed at ease in the dark, her smile growing as she resisted the urge to rub her hooves together manically. “Thou have seen our sister’s guards, but have thee seen ours?”

The human looked over at her, cocking his head curiously. “So, you don’t just have the white clones?” He asked, Luna not realizing that human’s eyesight in the dark was actually pretty okay.

Luna shook her head as dozens of glowing eyes appeared behind the human. “Nay, we have our own guard, and we would like you to meet a few of their number.”

With that, the lights were switched on, Ares blinking to adjust to the light while he calmly stared at the odd-looking ponies that had surrounded him.

They’re adorable, the human thought as the bat-looking ponies hissed at him, some of them getting into pouncing stances with their bat wings spread to make themselves look more threatening.

Needless to say, it didn’t work.

“Aw, look at you!” The human cooed—to the confusion of Luna and her guard, they were sure that he’d be running for the hills—making his way over to a batpony mare and picking her up into a big hug. “Trying to be scary and shit!”

“My lady, help!” The mare squeaked out as the human nuzzled her cheek with a huge grin on his face.

“Aw, look at your widdle ears! Who’s a cutie? You are, yes you are!” After putting down the thoroughly embarrassed mare, Ares looked over at Luna, raising an eyebrow.

“Really?” He said simply, which made Luna rub a foreleg sheepishly before crossing her hooves together in a pout.

“Do not judge us,” the princess of night said. “We scare all of our friends in this manner,” she frowned as Ares started to play with the batponies around him. “But it appears that you are fearless, human friend.”

By now the batponies were backing away from the human while he made his way toward them, flexing his fingers and grinning madly at them. They were saved when Ares stomach growled loudly, the human looking at it sheepishly.

“Huh, I guess I haven’t eaten yet….” he said, while Luna sighed in relief; now she had a way to save her guards from a tickly demise.

“Well,” the princess said, clasping her hooves together, getting Ares attention. “Then we will need to rectify thy hunger, human friend. Come, we will lead you to the kitchens!”

Giving the guard a meaningful look while mouthing ‘later’ to them, Ares made his way toward the door.

Twilight’s old room.

“Alright, Twilight,” Twilight muttered to herself while she was standing over a complex series that only the most knowledgeable unicorns could hope to guess at. “If you’re right, and you should be right, then this spell should be able to make Ares’ life a little easier!”

With a blush and a look around to see if there were any unfriendly eyes around, the purple unicorn magicked a pair of socks to her person and put them on.

“Think of all of the time I’ll save Ares if he can just magically teleport his clothes on!”

Twilight had the idea the other day while she and the others had waited for Ares go get dressed. After thinking how bothersome the whole process must be to deal with all of the time, her thought was, 'why couldn’t she just make a spell that could put on and take off his clothes automatically so instead of wasting time putting them on, he could just instantly have his clothes on or off!'

All-in-all this was one of Twilight’s better ideas over the past few months.

It was in its earliest stages though, so the only part of the spell that she had was the clothes-removing part, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t test it.

“Alright,” the mare began, her horn glowing. “Now, I just need to put a little magic and—WOAH!”

As soon as her magic touched the runes they exploded almost violently, a burst of blue energy knocking the mare off her feet with an ‘OOF!’ The good news was that it worked, her socks were gone. The bad news was that the spell just kept going, causing Twilight to cringe.

“Well… it should only work on cotton, so it shouldn’t be that bad,” the mare muttered to herself as she got to shaky hooves. “And I didn’t put that much magic in it at all, so the spell won’t last that long...hopefully.”

Back in Luna’s room

“Come, Ares, if we hurry we may be able to partake in dinner!” I Luna said as she opened her door, Are slowly trugging toward her.

“I’m coming, you pushy mare,” he muttered, looking back at all of the batponies that were still in the room. “Hey, Luna--” he began, looking at the alicorn, not noticing a glowing blue barrier making its way toward him.

One of the batponies eyes widened when he saw it, and he turned around, trying to warn the human. “Sir, watch—”

But it was too late, the human’s clothes flying off while he started to look back at the yeller. Luna, having felt the blast, looked behind her to see Ares looking calmly down at his now naked form, ignoring all of the eyes looking him up and down.

“...The fuck happened there?” He asked, not bothering to cover himself and rolling his eyes when he saw where Luna’s gaze was. “Luna, my eyes are up here,” he said calmly.

“We are not looking for your eyes, human friend,” the alicorn said, not able to break her gaze. “...We must ask, did somepony rip thy sheath off, or are your kind born without one?”

Looking down at ‘Mr. T’ for a moment, Ares hummed. “Nope; no human, at least to my knowledge, has a sheath. Our stuff just wobbles around out in the open.”

“That must be inconvenient…”

The human shrugged, not noticing a batpony, the same one that he had picked up no less, sneaking up behind him. “It’s not that bad; you kinda just learn to live with it,” he smiled teasingly down at the princess. “You know, Luna, I’m surprised that you haven’t jumped me yet.”

This time Luna was able to look up at the human, a glare on her muzzle. Huffing, she said, “How could thou think such a thing, Ares?” She demanded. “We would never rut thee without permission!”

Ares was about to tease the alicorn more when the batpony, whose name happened to be Umbra, reached out with a hoof, grabbing the human and tugging on something that he’d rather not be tug.

“Diddle-iddle-iddle,” the mare muttered with each yank, while a now red-faced Ares hopped back in surprise with a squeak of anger.

“Motherfucker!” Ares snarled, backing away from the surprised batpony, who also started to back away when she saw the righteous anger in the humans eyes.

Looking around the big room, Ares noticed a magazine sitting on a counter. Picking up and rolling the magazine, Ares turned toward the mare, whose pupils shrunk when the now-grinning human started toward her.

“Pull on my junk will ya?” He said, ignoring Luna’s cries. “Well, if you’re going to act like a kid, when I’m going to treat you like a kid,” he slapped the magazine against an open palm. “Now, get over here.”

...

I sighed as I made my way through the castles corridors, so mentally and physically exhausted that I had to fight to keep my wings from dragging across the floor.

“Thank Faust that’s over,” I muttered, looking over my shoulder to look at Shiny. “Shining, if I ask nicely will you go back to the hospital and beat those doctors up?”

Shiny tried and failed to stop his smile. “I’ll get around to it in a day or two,” he said, making me chuckle as we turned the corner to see Flash walking toward us with a big loaf of bread in his mouth.

My mood was instantly lifted when the stallion stiffened when he was us, trying not to choke on the bread as he saluted.

Shiny and I chuckled, Shiny levitating the bread out of the stallions mouth. “At ease soldier,” he said. “There’s no need for you to kill yourself.”

Flash instantly calmed down. “Yes sir, sorry sir; sorry Princess,” he told me, cocking his head at me sympathetically. “So how was your day, Princess?”

I sighed again, sitting on my rump and letting my wings droop in exhaustion. “Exhausting and kinda depressing,” I told him. “Right now all I need is something to pick me up; maybe something that’ll give me a little chuckle and-”

All three of us stiffened when a batpony ran past us screaming, a naked Ares—don’t ask me why, I still don’t know how that happened—in hot pursuit, waving a rolled-up magazine like a broadsword.

“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry!” We heard the mare scream, turning the corner. “Princess! Help me!”

Ares let out a battle cry that would have scared me if I didn’t know him. “Your princess can’t save you, and your resistance only makes me harder!”

I blinked as Shiny was bowled over by Aunty Luna, who was followed by a group of bat ponies, my aunt looking at the human with a mixture of confusion and mild anger. “ARES!” She roared, also turning the corner. “LEAVE OUR GUARD ALONE THIS INSTANT!”

My eye twitched as we were once again left alone in the halls.

“BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!” I heard the human echo off in the distance.

Flash looked around before closing his eyes and sitting on his rump with me, outstretching his hooves. “Boy,” he said. “I really could use a million bits!” Shiny and I gave the stallion a deadpan look as he waited for his bits to fall out of the sky.

The Private opened an eye when Shiny cleared his throat, grinning sheepishly. “What? Can’t a guy hope?”

…

Celestia sighed as she took a sip of her tea, putting down her cup and giving the Minotaur ambassador a smile.

It had been a long day for both sides, but they had finally etched out the trade agreements and peace treaties that would help keep Equus peaceful for another hundred years.

“Well, Brozen Horn, that was a productive day,” the princess said brightly, the big Minotaur chuckling.

“It’s always a pleasure, Princess,” he said as a certain batpony, who was looking for a room to escape from certain human, decided to pick the wrong room. “And I mus—”

The two stiffened as the bat mare all but knocked down the door with Ares right behind her, the human tackling her.

“I got you now, dammit!” Ares roared, raising his magazine up to began to beat the mare.

The mare tried to cover her face. “Not my bread and butter!” She cried as Ares started to bring down the magazine of death, but she was saved when a blue blur tackled the human off of her.

“We will save thee, our guard!” The princess of the night said, biting the humans arm. “Have at thee, fiend!”

“Ow! No biting!” Ares yelped, whacking the princess with the magazine like a bad dog as the Minotaur ambassador and Celestia just sat there, one’s mouth hitting the floor and the other with her head in her hooves.

“Faust buck it…” Celestia muttered as the rest of the bat ponies made their way into the room, glaring at the human.

“For the princess!” The night guards roared, charging into the fray.

Later…

Have you ever seen a puppy that knew it did something wrong? It’d give you those big, sad eyes when it peed on your carpet? Well, that was how Ares looked as I glared up at him.

He was making it difficult though, because Ares had somehow gotten his hooves on an old-timey black-and-white prison outfit and cap, how he had gotten it, or how he had gotten all of the other ponies that were sharing the cell matching pairs, I have no idea.

Sweet Faust did they look adorable. Especially Aunty Luna.

“...Okay, I may have overreacted a little,” Ares began, making me snort and cross my hooves.

“Ares,” I said to the human like I would to a foal. “You’re lucky that the ambassador found your little stunt hilarious, or Aunty Celestia would have done a lot worse than throw you in the dungeons.”

“I got thrown in jail,” the human muttered. “People get butt-raped in jail…”

I saw Aunty Luna adjust her cap, crossing her hooves in a pout. “We do not understand why we are also under arrest. We were merely trying to save our guard!”

I rolled my eyes. “Aunty, couldn’t you just teleport if you wanted to? I mean, I’m sure that that the walls have some kind of magic to prevent that but you’re probably strong enough to still be able to teleport.”

It was Aunt’s turn to roll her eyes. “How do thou think we acquired this garb?”

My eye twitched while Ares smiled, patting my head though the barred walls. “I just thought we should play the part, Candy,” he told me. “Oh, and before I forget, could you get me a carton of smokes?”

I frowned. “I didn’t know you smoked, Ares.”

The human shook his head. “Oh, I don’t. There’ not for me, they’re for the prison boss,” he pointed at a pudgy little batpony how was sitting on top of a whole bunch of mattresses. “If I don’t pay him off he’ll shank me. Smokes are currency here in the big house ”

Even though I facehoofed I couldn’t help but crack a smile. No matter how ridiculous, this was still pretty funny.

Ares smiled back at me, putting his head through the bars to lean down at me. “So, Candy, how was your day at the cooch doctors?”

I snorted, looking up at him. “Awful, how was doctor Mind Free?”

The human’s smile lessened for only a moment but I still saw it. “Hard,” he said quietly, earning him a nuzzle to the cheek.

“It’ll be okay,” I whispered, wrapping my hooves around his neck with a bit of difficulty.

“You know,” I said after a minute or two. “You really helped me today.”

Ares broke the hug, squatting down to look up at me, an eyebrow raised. “Oh?”

I nodded and, to both our surprises I think, gave the human a kiss on the cheek. “Yes,” I whispered as the human’s face became increasingly red, which made a part of me start to worry. Maybe I pushed the boundaries just a little too far. Maybe he didn’t think it
was just a peck. “Something you said gave me a bit of courage.”

I blinked as Ares rose to his feet, clearing his throat awkwardly. “Yes, well, you’re welcome,” he said, looking everywhere but me. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got a prison term to carry out!”

Concerned, I tried to apologize. “Ares did I—”

He sighed, raising a hand to cut me off. “No-no, it’s fine, it’s fine. I was just being a baby,” he patted me on the head before turning around and making his way over the all of the bat ponies and Aunty Luna.

I raised a hoof to stop him, tell him I was sorry for… whatever I did, but for some reason, I stopped, now shaken by my actions.

It was just a peck on the cheek, but for some reason, I felt oddly ashamed about it. What’s wrong with you? I thought, quietly turning around and leaving the dungeon. It was just a peck on the cheek! It’s not like you just rutted him! I mean, you’ve probably kissed him like a thousand times! ...Right?

But the feeling didn’t go away, which made me sigh. “Why did I even kiss him anyway?” I muttered, blinking at the light as I surfaced from the dungeon. “I mean, a hug would have been just as well…”

Now, for some reason, that feeling of guilt turned into something that I couldn’t identify, something that I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry about.

Later later…

Celestia made her way to the dungeons, a scowl on her face and keys in her mouth. I think I left them all in there long enough, she thought, making her way to where she had put them. Hopefully they’ll of learned a— The thought died when he saw the third most adorable sight that she had ever seen.

The whole little group was in a giant cuddle pile, Ares and her sister in the middle of all of the bat ponies, the two using some of the night guard as pillows while Luna was holding the sleeping human.

The alicorn couldn’t help but let out a coo. “Where in the name of Faust did they get those cute outfits?” Celestia breathed, opening the door quietly and making her way toward her friend and sister, her earlier frown replaced with a small smile.

“I can’t stay mad when they look like that…” she muttered, navigating the labyrinth of curled up bodies to nuzzle Ares and Luna.

With a quick look around to see if anypony was watching, the princess scooted her sister over to lay between the two, laying her wings on top of them while while she nuzzled the human again, who had started to squirm and whimper.

“Don’t worry, Ares,” she murmured, nuzzling his cheek. “Your nightmares won’t hurt you anymore.”

Little did she know that the dreams that caused Ares to squirm weren’t his usual nightmares. In fact, these dreams were actually quite pleasant. Wrong, but pleasant.

Author's Notes:

I've been a bit busy so the edited part of this chapter will be done later in the week

LBP