“Shiny.”
Shining Armor only snorted, rolling over quietly.
“Shining,” Cadence nudged him gently, eyeing the large, glowing emerald scroll floating in through the window. “Shining, wake up.”

“Whuzzat?” Shining Armor blinked blearily, using magic to light a couple of candles. “What, what is it?”
“I-I didn’t even know we could get mail like this…” Princess Cadence started, the scroll dropping limply into her lap.
Shining, recognizing the flicker of green dragon magic, grinned.

“Probably from Twily,” he said, a little bit more awake. She unrolled the poorly rolled scroll, her eyes growing a little wider with each passing moment. “I can’t for the life of me guess why she would be – honey, are you okay?”
Cadence’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak. Her eyes were nearly as wide as saucers by this point, and she struggled to clear her throat and began to read aloud.

Dearest Princess Candy Ass,

Shining Armor snorted into the blankets, desperately struggling not to show just how hard he was laughing. A bit sourly, Cadence cleared her throat again and continued.

Guess who’s fucking wasted?
No, go ahead, guess. I’ll wait.
Tick, tock, tick – yes, Spike, I know there’s no clock in here. I’m being fucking sarcastic.
Actually, just start over.

Dearest Princess Caber Cadence,
You fucking dong- addicted hump- whore. Tell my dumbass brother to stop playing ass jockey for a couple of minutes and actually do his goddamned job every now and then.
Do you realize that all the paperwork from the Crystal Empire actually has to fucking GO somewhere? You know, like important documents – dock. Dock, doc, docks, docksh, shhhhdockcockdockshumentsh.
Shut the fuck up, you know what I meant, Spike.

Y’know all those fucking documents on Crystal Empire citizens immigrating? Yeah, that shit is kind of important. If I find one more fucking ‘present’ from Shiny Ass, I am going to give him a few papercuts IN HIS ANUS. I know you’ve already claimed that area as royal property, but frankly, I don’t give two shits. I didn’t care when Celestia was riding that plot, I didn’t care when Luna was riding his plot, I almost kind of cared when Sombrero was riding his plot but couldn’t be assed to give another two shits about it because we blew that fucker to bits.
But I DO care when you’re too busy fucking like rabbits to do your own goddamned mother – cunting paperwork!
Give me a minute Spike, I’m a little worked up, and I’m on a roll.

Roll. Roll roll roll row row roll your bloat, gentry dowl th’ stre~eam.
Shit, don’t write that, Spike.

… Fuck, I don’t remember what I was angry about.
Have I ever mentioned that Granny Smith’s moonshine is good shit?
Seriously, Candy Ass, you ought to get some of that. I hear she uses these, like, fuckin’ Zappy-fruit-vegetable things. There’s this one –

YEAH, Spike, I fucking know! Shit, now I remember why I was pissed off!
Actually, just start from scratch.
… YES, Spike, start over!

Dearest Princess Candy Cadence,
Remember that one time you were supposed to be foalsitting me and wound up fucking my brother on the sofa instead?
Surprise, bitch. The Twi-hammer takes no naps.

Still, you’re nowhere near the level of sexual deviancy that Princess Cake-Butt is. Speaking of sexual deviancy, did you know that Shining paid a couple of griffons to fuck him in the ass after you left?

Princess Cadence stopped reading for a moment, her throat dry as she looked over at her gawking husband, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head as he spluttered.

Ha, can’t wait to find out his reaction to THAT. Fuck, stop giving me that look, Spike. Just write.
I can just imagine the look ol’ pale-face has, because I just know that you disgusting fuckers do everything together.
Ruling a kingdom together, sleeping together, reading together.
I remember when it used to be ME and MY brother taking baths together!
… Not like that, Spike, shut the fuck up!

… I am NOT jealous of that pink bitch!
Oh, shit, that’s right. I almost forgot.
I swear to god, Spike, if you say ‘to pull the stick out of my ass’ again, I’m going to backhoof you.

These fuckers, right here.
Yes, I KNOW she can’t see! I’m not stupid, Spike!
Stupid. Shoe, shush, stue shtoe shtoop. Stupid.

Uh, right.
These motherfucking wings are itchy, and they are really pissing me off.
How come nopony told me that being a princess came WITH wings? Is this some kind of cruel joke?
I swear, I think Rainbow Dash almost jizzed herself when she saw me walking around with these feathery embarrassments. She keeps going on and on about some ‘preening’ shit.
How many times do I have to tell you that we’re DONE, you dumb fucking cunt?

What? No, I’m talking to myself, Spike. I mean, like-like this imaginary Rainbow Dash, but she’s not here. I mean, like, I KNOW she’s not here, ‘cause she is imaginary, unlike myself. Unless I AM imaginary, and I just don’t know it. I mean, can imaginations imagine that they’re imaginary?
Oh, shit! What if I really am imaginary, and I’m only just now imagining what not being imaginary is like? What if imaginations don’t imagine reality, but they imagine imaginary imagination reality that isn’t really real?

-Note From Spike-
Yeah, she’s at it again.
Going to keep this short, I have to go pull Twilight out of the closet. I’m starting to wonder if Granny Smith might have made a different batch or something, because she’s acting weirder than normal – aaaaand Twilight is now having an existential crisis, and she just threw up. Guess what I get to clean up. Whee.
Heh heh. Twilight’s coming out of the closet. I made a jok- FUCK she threw up on the carpet again!

Princess Cadence was silent for a long moment, before turning to the dumbstruck Shining Armor.
“So, about those griffons…”