Something was causing a disturbance in Equestria.

This much was evident to the stalwart princess of the night, as evidenced by the clearly panicked guard fleeing in terror down the yawning hallway.

“Do be careful!” Luna narrowed her eyes and grumbled testily, but the guard was long gone. She’d nearly spilled her cup of hot tea in the commotion. Carefully rearranging her tiara so that it was slightly less askew, Princess Luna peered after the guard in the dark and curiously followed him.

It took her a matter of moments to realize that he wasn’t running toward danger.
He was running away from it.

“TWILIGHT-MOTHER-FUCKING-SPARKLE!”

Luna’s poor cup of tea shattered instantly in her telekinetic grip, splattering across the wall. Even her usually billowing mane had been blasted backwards with so much force that it retained that shape.
She was left standing rather befuddled, holding only the teacup’s broken handle as her elder sister stormed past her in a fiery blaze of rage and irradiating sunlight, tearing down yet another door very loudly as she took off through the castle.

“… What the crap just happened?”
And to be fair, that was a very good question.

With a heavy sigh, Luna motioned for a couple more guards to tend to the wreckage that Celestia had just caused, and began traipsing in the direction her sister had come from in order to discover just what Twilight ‘motherfucking’ Sparkle had done this time.

After about five minutes of searching aimlessly in Celestia’s study, and to no avail, Luna spotted an unrolled scroll in her seat by the fireplace.
She facehoofed, shaking her head slowly.

After she started reading, her head wasn’t the only thing shaking.

Dearest Princess Celestia,
You and your sister both are goddamned inbred retards.

“… Oh, hell no.”

Do you even have any fucking idea how to properly run a country?
Okay, okay. A-okay. Okay, shmo-kay.
… Okie dokie lok- shut the hell up, Spike.

Right, first of all, how come all of our weather is maintained by Pegasi? Do you have any idea how stupid that is?
Those motards are freaking unreliable. I don’t think you even bothered to find out how high that death toll was from the last typhoon they brought to Ponyville.
Yeah.

Fluttershy has a body count.
Just let that shit sink in for a second.
You massive ass hat.

Speaking massive asses, just how much cake have you been eating lately? I didn’t know Equestria needed a second sun; or at the rate you’re going, you could just block it out.

… Shit, don’t write that.
Start over, Spike.

Dearest Princess Celestia,
I hope one of your cheap, stupid Griffonian prostitutes gives you a few STDs.
Yeah, I heard about that, bitch.

What, is my horn not big enough for you now?
No, of course not.
You’ve got to go whoring it up at every other chance you get. You’re probably… a-DICK-ted.
… get-get it?

… Shut the hell up, Spike.

Actually, just start over.
YES, again! Just fucking start over!

Dearest Princess Celestia,
I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
You’re getting kind of fat.

You know what these Cutie Marks are for?
‘Cause I sure fucking don’t.
Yeah, I think I just cracked a big ol’ fucking hole in your government conspiracy and shit!
Pass the peanuts, Spike.

So, it goes like this.
Step One: Ponies get Cutie Marks at indeterminate ages, usually in youth when career opportunities and intellectual insight is almost never guaranteed, thus resulting in a clusterfuck of a social ordeal.
Step Two: …?
Step Three: Profit!

You see how this works?
What? Oh, no. Not you, Spike.
You can shut the fuck up.

Wait, where was I?
SHIT!
Start over, Spike!

Dearest Princess Celestia,
Is your sister, like, a dominatrix or something?
Seriously, that bitch goes around in all black, all the time. I don’t THINK she’s trying to pull off the emo thing, but she looks like she cuts herself.
She cuts herself, doesn’t she?

Fucking hell, she cuts herself.
Princess Luna is an emo dominatrix with split personality disorder.
Seriously, do you have any idea how much work I had to do because of that ‘Nightmare Moon’ bullshit? All because of our nation's only negro-corn that ISN'T named Mary or Sue?
Oh, by the way. GREAT method of dealing with familial issues.

Your sister gets lonely, so you SEND HER FLANK TO THE MOON.
“Bye bye, bitch!”
Is that how you solve all of your problems? With domestic violence?
You sick fuck.
That is HILARIOUS.

Shit, don’t write that, Spike.
Start over.

Dearest Princess Celestia,
Something just occurred to me.
You’ve got wings!
Like… like, WING wings.

I was RIGHT about that retard thing!
Wait, shit, I don’t think I sent that report yet.
Where did I put it, Spike?

Fuckin’ fuckity fuckity fuck! Never mind the report.
When I was all ‘not alcohol-y’, I got my report finished on how Pegasi aren’t as smart as proper unicorns! You’ve got a horn and shit, but you’ve also got wings, and that shit ain’t gonna fly.
See? See what I did there?
… Shut the hell up, Spike.

That explains a whole lot about your leadership skills, actually. I’m a little proud of myself for noticing.
By the way, tell your dominatrix sister that if she wants to get freaky, she’s going to have to wait until Nightmare Night. Just like everypony else.
Kinky bitch.

-Note From Spike-

I’m at my wit’s end.
Absolutely nobody else has responded, and AAAAAAAAAGH Twilight just threw up again.
I thought ponies couldn’t vomit? I went to school, you know!

Yeah! Nobody ever asks about that! I’ve got a bitchin’ college degree from Cloudsdale University!
Does anybody ever ASK about it, even though it’s hanging right in the middle of the fucking library?
No!

I need help, Princess! Twilight’s gone off the deep end, and she won’t stop spouting racial slurs out the window at passersby. Have you HEARD some of the things she says about Pegasi?
Not YET, you haven’t.

Actually, you know what?
Get down here.
Get off your royal plot, and get down here.
Oh, don’t worry. I’m not asking you to take care of this by yourself.

I learned three or four letters ago not to FUCKING DEPEND on somebody.
But I just had a great idea.
Somebody needs to teach this bitch a lesson.

You know what would be great?
You should use your magic to give her some FUCKING WINGS.
Yeah. That’s right. Give her wings.

That would freak her the hell out to no end! Can you imagine?
And you could probably get away with it, too. Just tell her she’s, like, becoming a princess, or some such bull. She’ll eat that shit right up.

… Hang on, Twilight is trying something really nasty with one of the Elements of Harmony again, moaning something about “putting some real craters on Luna’s moon”.

“TWILIGHT-MOTHER-FUCKING-SPARKLE!”

Author's Notes:

I hope you had as much fun reading this story as I did writing it.