“Oh, now you’re just being cruel.”
“You heard me the first time, Discord,” Fluttershy stated quietly, pouring her draconequus housemate a soothing cup of chamomile tea. “Princess Celestia is perfectly fine with your staying here for now, but this is your last chance.”
“Didn’t you say that the last four times?” Discord chortled, reclining upside down in his chair. Fluttershy seated herself across from him, stifling a yawn.

She couldn’t sleep, anyway; besides, she felt better if she could keep an eye on Discord.
“Maybe. But that doesn’t mean you can just go around causing random chaos all willy-nilly,” she insisted tiredly, pouring herself a cup of tea and taking a sip of the steaming liquid.
“Oh, you have no sense of fun. It’s even more boring than a jaunt to the public library,” Discord grumbled, righting himself and crossing his arms.
“Just for one day?” the pegasus batted her eyelashes in what she hoped was a ‘cute’ manner. “Just one day of normalcy? For me?”

Discord didn’t even get the chance to respond before a flitter of green flame came bursting through the front door, knocking over the hat-rack and sofa, flying about the room and finally settling on the table with a fwump.

The emerald burst of flame popped out a little scroll, slightly disheveled.
Discord waited a full beat.
“That was totally not me,” he said defensively.

The draconequus snatched it up swiftly, balancing it between his talons.
“What’s it say?” Fluttershy inquired, tilting her head slightly.
“Well, I don’t know,” he deadpanned. “I haven’t opened it yet.”

Unrolling it gleefully, Discord began spiraling up into the air from his tail.
He then stopped midway, freezing in mid-air.

“Well?” Fluttershy asked, waiting. “What does it say?”
“… Maybe we should send it back.”
“Nonsense!” she stamped one hoof against the table. “Will you just read it, already?” Fluttershy resumed attempting to drink her tea, holding it carefully between her hooves.

Discord took in a breath sharply, then ran one paw down his face.
“O~kay. Just remember; you asked for this.”
Clearing his throat cautiously, Discord slowly started to read aloud.

The letter went as follows.

Dearest Rainbow “Let’s Get Smashed Every Tuesday” Dash,
Suck my cunt knuckle.

Very, very slowly, and with trembling hooves, Fluttershy sat down her cup of tea.
Not awaiting a response, Discord continued.

You might not have noticed it previously, because I’m a mastermind at hiding my personal intentions.
Shut the hell up, Spike.
Anyway, I just thought I’d give you a friendly heads up before enacting the final phase in which I stand idly by and watch you suffer your terrible demise.
Shit, don’t write that, Spike. She’ll get suspicious.
Start over.

Dearest Rainbow Crash,
I am going to rape you in the ear with a power drill.

I fucking hate your guts.
I sincerely hope you choke on a box of tampons.

Seriously, Dash. I am just so fucking sick of your shit that I spend several hours out of my personal schedule devising nefarious schemes to kill you with.
Actually, don’t write that either, Spike. Start over.

Dearest Rainbow Dash,
How are you? I hope you are well. Lovely weather we’re having.
Oh, wait. No, it’s not. Because a certain STUPID FUCKING BITCH doesn’t know how to do her job properly! Really, haven’t any of you goddamned backwoods savages ever heard of irrigation? There are more efficient manners of transporting water than motherfucking rainclouds!

What are you, dense?
… No, that’s NOT a trick question, Spike!
Shit, start over!

Dearest Rainbow Dash,
You repulsive shitfaced showoff. I am so sick of your bullshit. What with your… your fucking flying, and shit. All… flapping. Fucking Rainbow Dash, and her… and her stupid wings.
Shut the hell up, Spike. I am not jealous.

As a matter of fact, those wings don’t just make you look STUPID; wings MAKE you stupid. Yeah, I said it!
Pegasi are fucking retards!
All of them!

Fluttershy, to all the world, had appeared to have stopped breathing.

You all think you’re just SO fucking great, what with your flappy bird shit. Well, you know what? Nobody gives a flying fuck, just because your dad humped a dodo, or something. As a matter of fact, I’ve been doing recent studies that indicate even HAVING wings seriously degrades the mental condition!
… Shut up, Spike! I am not being specieist! Pegasi just aren’t as good as unicorns, is all.

… Oh, shit. That does sound bad. Start over, Spike.

Dearest Rainbow Cr-Dash,
I have to admit, the sex has been better with you since I started cheating on Fluttershy.

Discord stopped reading momentarily to look up at her. Fluttershy’s face had lost all color, and she resembled an equine piece of very still, very emotionless chalk.
The draconequus continued.

Don’t tell Fluttershy.
Fuck it, start over.

Dearest Rainbow Dash,
Meet me like usual next Tuesday. I’ll bring the Rotator.

-Note From Spike-
You know what?
I have been literally BEGGING for help all night, and not a single freaking one of you showed up to help.
Not. A single. One.
Seriously, you jackasses DESERVE to have a friend like Twilight.
I hate you all.

Discord steadily rolled the letter back up, calmly gazing over at his female companion.
Fluttershy, however, seemed to be on the verge of having a mental breakdown and/or breaking someone’s neck.
“So…” Discord tapped his talons together cheerfully as he tried to hide a grin. “A jaunt to the public library it is, then?”