“Hey, Rainbow Dash! Are you in there?”

The multi-hued head of Rainbow Dash could be seen for a brief moment as she craned her neck up, groaning as she rubbed her eyes. The grey mail-mare, flapping excitedly just outside her floating home and banging on the door, obviously wouldn’t stop until Dash took care of the situation.

“Hey! Hey, Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Hey! Are you in th-?”
“Of course I’m in here!” the pegasus snapped grumpily as she jerked open her front door, now desperately wishing she’d relocated from Cloudsdale to somewhere quieter. “I live here! It’s three in the morning, Derpy!”
“You’ve got mail!” the grey mare said happily, completely ignorant of the fact that Dash was silently fuming. She dug around in her mailbag for a moment before yanking out a slightly damp-looking scroll of paper, dropping it into her hooves and flying off.

The scroll then let out a tiny puff of green flame before rolling over in her hooves, slightly opened.
“… What.”

And that was all her brain could really come up with at three in the morning.

Staring at it, befuddled, she continued unrolling the letter.

Dearest Fluttershy,
I want you to rut me. Right in the plot, even harder than last week.

“… What.”

Hang on, Spike. Start over.
Yesh, already.
… Yesh. Yes. Yesh yes yes yesh sheesh shesh shyesh sheys yes yushie yush yes.
Ohhhh, god. I am so drunk.
Shut up, Shpike. Just keep writing. With… with your little… hand… claw… things.

Dearest Fluttershy,
Last week was fucking amazing.
I’ve never been into mares (shut the fuck up, Spike) but I am not even kidding right now. Just… now. Right now. Aaaaand… now.
That word sounds funny too, now that I think about it. Nah-ow.
Right, right.

Dearest Fluttershy,
I’ll try to keep this short like the other letters (shut the hell UP, Spike!) but I just wanted to tell you that you left your bondage gear at the library again. Seriously, fucking pick up after yourself. I don’t want to have to hose down the basement again.

Do you have any goddamned idea how humiliating it is to try to hide that shit whenever Rainbow ‘Let’s-Get-Smashed’ comes blasting in through my window like a bad burrito through my bowels?
Wow. That was so… poetic. I’m a poet when I’m drunk.
It’s like… like honey-words are… are honeying over my… my face-hole.
Shut the hell up, Spike.
Where was I…?

Fuck it. Start over.
Dearest Fluttershy,
Stop leaving your shit lying around my library, or the Rotator’s going up YOUR ass next time!
Forcibly!
See how YOU like it!

Besides, you can’t just leave that stuff sitting around; the last time I walked in on Spike, he was tottering about the library with one of your dildos strapped to his forehead! Do you have any idea how freaky it is to walk in on somepony prancing around, going ‘I’m a purdy unicorn’ and not say anything?
Yeah, Spike! I fucking SAW that shit!

… Stop sniveling!

Ugh… I think I’m going to be sick again…
Speaking of getting sick, when’s the last time you got yourself checked?

I mean it, bitch. My teats are burning like fuck. And not just because of the wax, either; ever since you got that goddamned rubber hoof, my crotch won’t stop itching! What, did you buy that fucker second-hoof?
Did… Did Lyra sell you that?
Fluttershy, are you… sneaking around with Lyra?

You’re sneaking around with Lyra!
You fucking whore, I’ll maul you with a strap-on!

Shut up, Spike! I’m being PERFECTLY reasonable!

Wait, shit. That sounds like I could be implicated.
Imp… impy. Imply. Implicated. That sounds funny.

… Start over, Spike.

Dearest Fluttershy,
I forgot what I was yelling at you about.
Not you, Spike. Fluttershy. Fucking pay attention.
Not you, Fluttershy.

Fluff. Flufter. Fluttershhhh. Flushter flush fluff Fluttershy. It.. it shounds… It sounds funny.
Fuck, I’m so drunk. Fluttershy!
My pastry-colored succulent dominatrix! I need you over here. Nopony else satisfies me the way you do, and right now, I really, really need to be satisfied. Stop humping that rabbit of yours, get over here and plow me like Big Mac’s field in springtime.
Now.

Shit, what was I talking about?
Start over, Spike.

Dearest Fluttershy,
Get your hot yellow flank over here.
Right now.
And bring the hose.

-Note From Spike-
Sweet Celestia, Fluttershy. I swear, I had no idea that was yours.
I don’t even care if you’re a sadomasochistic, bestiality-loving dominatrix from Tartarus; please, send somepony over here! Twilight’s going out of her mind, and I really don’t know how much longer I can hold up on this end. Her blood-alcohol level must be through the ROOF at this point.
Get somepony over here and help, already. I would’ve tried sending for help elsewhere, but when I tried contacting any kind of police force, Twilight really threw the book at me.
… Seriously. She literally threw a book at me. It almost broke my nose.

Twilight is a mean drunk.
Also, this vomit on the letter isn’t mine.

“… What.”